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Notes and Explanations on the 12 Steps

A Summary of a few chapters from the book "Sex and Love Addiction (SLAA) Anonymous"

(See here for more on the first 3 steps - "Let Go & Let G-d")


Step 1. Surrender


Understanding that…

- you have Hit Bottom.

- will power alone, is not effective in dealing with the complex problem of sex addiction

- powerless does not mean helpless.

- powerless is never an excuse to continue

- we are responsible for our recovery

- we cannot think our way out, we need to act our way into a new pattern of thinking.

- isolated incidents of control are not important, it’s the over all pattern. Staying stopped is the issue.

- Determination is completely up to you.

- You cannot bargain with the addiction. Half measures avail to nothing.

- Realizing we were acting insane. It’s not sane to repeat self-destructive behaviors.

- Recognizing how insidious the addiction is, how it continues to tell us lies, getting us to continue to act out again and again.

- Directing anger and frustration at the addiction, use energy from that for recovery.

- Acting out will never be the same, once you know you CAN recover.

- Learning to start to think “Is what I am about to do worth resuming that way of life?”


"Isn't admitting powerlessness and having Hashem fight for us contrary to the concept of Free Will?"  Read More...


Step 2. The Higher Power


Quit playing G-d. Seek help from a power greater than one’s own will and determination.


Step 3. Turning will over to G-d.


- Let go and let G-d

- Giving over our recovery to the care of G-d, and not trying to recover alone.

- Turning over all that we do and are, to the support and guidance of G-d.

- A conscious decision to fill mind with spiritual thoughts and not obsessive sexual thoughts.

- Changing behaviors and thought patterns

- Each time you choose not to follow old addictive pattern, you are turning over your life to the care of G-d.

- One day at a time. No need to make a decision for the rest of your life.


Making this a way of life, not just in recovery. Learning to think in all situations “What is the most meaningful and effective spiritual course I can choose now?”


Even when a new behavior seems insignificant, acting AS IF we truly believe in the importance of what we are doing. This leads to real changes in thinking and behavior. When a test comes, we acknowledge our feelings, but choose not to pursue them.


Acting AS IF you believe you will be cared for while recovering. As you move forward, this faith grows.


Any new skill requires practice. Recovery is no different.


Focusing on the here and now, not replaying old thought patterns or planning next binge.


Someone can be particularly attractive, but we do not HAVE to think of them in sexual terms.


Not to fight addictive thought patterns, but not to dwell or embellish them. To concentrate on recovery instead.


Recovery takes effort and can be painful. But it is not a test of endurance. It teaches us how to flow with life, not fight against it.


Remembering the time and energy spent maintaining addiction. Use same energy instead for recovery.



“May your will be done, not mine”.
“Give me knowledge the strength to carry out your will”.




Step 4. Getting to know yourself


- Self-honesty.

- Accepting who you are, is a prerequisite to changing.

- No longer can you fool yourself with words.

- A careful examination and inventory of thought and behavior process

- Not allowing fear to control or prevent us from doing what we need to do.


Inventory process diminishes the fear, because we learn to allow ourselves to experience the feelings we have, but then move on.


Inventory helps identify assets and attributes that can help in recovery.



For the other 8 steps and a beginners kit, download this PDF file.