Guard Your Eyes

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Q. On a religious forum for intimate matters, someone admitted that he was infatuated with his friend's wife and was afraid he might do the wrong thing. Here are some replies he got on the forum.

A. Anyone that tells you that they have a perfect marriage is lying. Everyone is human and at some point in their marriage has looked at another person's husband or wife and thought that they would have made the ideal spouse. The difference however between a good solid marriage and one that crumbles and breaks is how they deal with these feelings. You have to believe that this is Hashem's test for you. Hashem tests people to see how they will overcome a situation...and he tests some people with a stronger and tougher test then others...depending on what He feels they could handle. He obviously has presented you with a very difficult test and it's up to you to either pass or fail. This will not be your last test in life. You sound like you really want to do the right thing. Good for you-that is a HUGE step in the right direction! Like I mentioned before-whenever you feel like you want to act upon something-just picture the faces of your children crying when they find out Daddy had broken mommy's heart by acting upon a selfish need. They will NEVER forgive you for breaking up your home. And for what? A few hours of physical pleasure? If you cheat, it will be on them too, not just your wife. Just look at all of the people out there that are divorced because one of the spouses have cheated. Where are they now? Happily ever after with the person they cheated with? NO! They are usually the lonely loser low-lifes of the community that are branded with "cheater" on their foreheads. Their kids are messed up and hate the parent that screwed up their lives...etc. Need I say more? I normally would never take this much time to write such a long post but I see someone that actually has some hope-because you really sound like you want to do the right thing. Plus I am thinking of your children tucked away somewhere in their beds and if I can make a difference at all then this time spent is all worth it. I can write on forever but it is really your test and is ultimately up to you to prove to yourself and to Hashem that you are strong and will overcome this obstacle in life. I wish you luck-don't beat yourself up over this-you are not a bad person, you are only human with normal feelings. Do yourself a favor and go talk to someone great. They will help you figure out what is really going on here. Don't let your family down!

I do wish it was as easy as I make it sound. I know it isn't. That's why its a test and a struggle every day to overcome a feeling that you know is wrong. We all want something that we cannot have. That is why our yetzer hara's can have such a huge impact on our lives. Our goal is to try and suppress and overcome those feelings and actions that will cause our lives to be damaged or disrupted. Just focus on the end goal of trying to overcome your feelings for her. Keep the focus of your love and desires on your wife. Iy'h you'll get the strength and koach to be overcome this burden on your psyche.



A woman answers


Everyone seems to be handling you very delicately and trying to give you advice without hurting your feelings, but I think what you really need is a dose of tough love from a woman whose been down this road and lived to regret it, so here goes:

This obsession is NOT harmless or amusing. It is total BS that. All you want is to be more open and closer with "your girl." Your wife is supposed to be "your girl." This other woman, your wife's friend, is someone else's girl - not yours.

You need to face the fact that you are obsessed with this woman to the point of it being truly pathetic. You've made it clear that there are 2 frum families involved here, 2 sets of children, and the very real possibility of a scandal that will destroy your marriage, "your girl's" marriage, your children's lives, not to mention the embarrassment you will bring upon yourself and your family. People WILL find out if you act on this obsession, even if it's really just a "friendship" that you've deluded yourself into thinking you want. Find some other, MALE friends or family members to share interests with.

In your condition, I don't think it'll help to remind yourself what a wonderful person your wife probably is. You're too obsessed to care about that right now. What you need to know is that if you pursue a relationship with this other woman, it will 100% end disastrously for both of you and your families and you will most certainly live to regret it. No man or woman is so perfect or wonderful unless they're someone else's husband or wife. Everyone has flaws, a temper, an annoying habit, bad breath, gas, all that stuff that makes someone you don't really know look so perfect and appealing.

Play out this fantasy to the max - what's the best you can hope for - she'll fall in love with you and you'll abandon your spouses and live happily ever after? Get over it, loser, and don't ruin the lives of everyone around you.

This isn't some movie. This is your life. Think long and hard before you do something irreversible that'll destroy it forever.