Guard Your Eyes

A website for Jews struggling to maintain their moral purity in today's world
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Q. What is permitted with one's wife? Are all positions allowed? Is licking allowed all over? What about "anal" and "oral" sex?

A. The Ramba"m writes that one may do whatever he wants with his wife. There is also a Mitzvah to please one's wife, and the things that you are asking about can help with that as well, so in a sense, some of these things might even be considered a Mitzvah in certain circumstances.

HOWEVER, there are many, many levels of purity a Jew should ultimately strive for.

If you are struggling with an addiction to pornography and masturbation, I wouldn't try to jump two rungs on the ladder at once or you may end up falling. At this stage, do whatever you want with your wife besides for "finishing" in oral or anal sex, which is Zera Livatala (semen in vain). But even this doesn't rule out foreplay that involves anal or oral sex. It's only the "finishing" that is a real halachic problem (see halachic note below).

For someone who has mastered the addiction and pornography and masturbation are far behind, he may want to work on even higher levels of sexual purity and fulfill all of the holy advice of our sages in regard to sexual intercourse with one's wife. You can see for a lot of questions, answers and advice in this area, i.e. the proper and holy way of having intercourse with one's wife. (Here are two good articles: Article 1, Article 2).

Also, if one's wife needs these types of stimulations to enjoy herself, perhaps one should not be too much of a Tzaddik on her Cheshban. In this regard, one may have to ask advice of a proper Halachic authority to determine what to do if he is seeking higher levels of purity and she desires behaviors that are frowned upon by our Sages.

Also remember this important rule: "the more you feed it, the more you need it". Too much sex with one's wife and too much lusting - even in a Kosher way - can make it harder to break free of the addictions in the long run.

See also here to learn more about the general attitude one should have with one's wife.

Halachic note: The Tur (Even Ha'ezer Siman 25, and the Aruch Hashulchan quotes it in Si'if 11, Siman 25) allows even finishing during anal sex, as long as one is not ragil b'kach (i.e. one does not frequently practice this). However, the Bais Yosef writes on the Tur, that if the Tur would have known what the Zohar writes about the seriousness of Hotzo'as Zera Livatala, he would not have allowed actually finishing.


On the forum of someone posted the following question:


By the Jewish Law it states that a man can do whatever he wants with his wife (sexually) and even kiss her at any limb of her body. So in that case is the man allowed to give oral sex to his wife in order to satisfy her? I have heard some people say that a women is allowed to give man oral sex but a man is not allowed to give a women oral sex, is this true? And what if by giving a woman oral sex is the only way to satisfy her,  what do you do then?


Someone on that forum replied:

Brother, I could do a doctorate on this question. I wrestled with the issue myself, as I suppose many of us have. Before I became a baal tshuva, oral sex was a standard on the menu, and I wasn’t eager to give it up, so I asked lots of questions and luckily found some hip rabbis who gave me the answers. There’s a response on this site in the question and answer section that discusses oral sex (Goblet of the King) and some of the essays of Rabbi Leon Levi emphasize the Kabbalistic sides on the no-no. Basically, Jewish Law permits a man to kiss his wife anywhere except there. When you think about it – who would want to? It’s a place of urine and blood and bacteria. But of course the yetzer davka gets a guy (and his wife) all charged up over precisely over oral sex because it makes the man into a beast. After fouling up his mouth with the impurity of that place, all of a guy’s prayers are dripping with filth and his words of Torah when they rise up to heaven have a raunchy stink that make everyone hold their noses. To put it bluntly, it’s a spiritual knockout. So what if your wife likes it? Is it worth sacrificing all of your special Jewish holiness? Brushing your teeth won’t help get rid of the spiritual impurity. So find other ways to please your wife. If that’s the only thing that does it for her, maybe you can help raise her to a higher spiritual plane. In a sense, having you go down on her is degrading you. Is that what turns her on? Encourage her to learn more, to go to some Torah classes for women, set an example for her. True there are some women who need a long session of foreplay before they can reach their orgasm, and not every husband can hold himself back indefinately without spilling semen in vain. Here are some suggestions that I have picked up along the way: some women have trouble relaxing when the kids are at home, even late at night when they’re sleeping, so take your wife to a hotel on her immersion night and see how it turns her on. And try whispering sweet things in her ear during foreplay, how much you love her, and how wonderful a person she is, and how you are so aroused by her, and the like. Try a little soft background music, or “meditation” discs of running water and waves. You can also try massages to relax her – a good old fashion foot massage breaks down lots of barriers. She is sure to like a slow, gentle, loving massage of her clitoris. This is mentioned in the Talmud as a recommended practice (Shabbat 150 so there’s no need to be shy. Try using an oil _based lotion since creams are forbidden on Shabbat. There are all kinds of oils in heath stores. Experiment and have some fun. This is a pure, joyful way to help her reach her climax without oral sex. If you become so charged by all this foreplay that you can’t hold back, then it is best to have relations, so you don’t spill semen in vain. Afterward, rest a bit, make yourself an energy-packed fruit juice cocktail, or a few sips of beer, and have relations again (with all the foreplay she needs) so that she will reach her climax before yours. If oral sex on you is what turns her on, while there are some rabbis who condone this, there is the danger of premature ejaculation and spilling semen in vain, which does great spiritual harm (the Kabbalists are especially stringent about this) so all the momentary pleasure really isn’t worth it. Instead, try old fashion kissing – it can be the greatest turn on there is when it comes through a deep spiritual union. A husband and wife who work on deepening their love for each other don’t need all of the unnatural circus acts that have come to replace true intimacy. Love love love, love is all you need.