Q. Please can you give me some advice - i'll get straigh to the point. I have been married 5 yrs, we have children. We don't have the best of marriages, and the trouble is my wife generally does not enjoy marital relations. it obviously does not help that we argue quite alot, but when we do get on, my wife is not sexually inclined at all, and in our 5 yrs, she has never had an orgasm or even come near to it - it could be that she cannot 'let herself go' because she does not feel entirely happy in the marriage, but the problem is that when we dont have marital relations, particularly if the evening has built up towards the 'actual act' and she falls asleep, or is not in the mood, i am left up in the air - and it has on occasions resulted in me committing motzi zera l'vatala. This happened 4 times last year - which though is terrible, for me is an astonishing achievement (and it's because of your website and chizuk e-mails).
What option do I have on such nights? Though my wife goes to mikvah every month, we never have relations on mikvah night itself, and it may sometimes take a week or so before we actually have relations, and even then the whole thing is not a pleasureable experience for her, and as a result I feel a total anti climax in that shes just doing me a favour, and the whole thing is very artificial and not pleasureable at all. This can be a really big deal for me, especially as I want to avoid spilling seed in vain, which as you can imagine is a big temptation, though BH I have accomplished a lot in recent months. I even on occasion sometimes wonder how to have relations with someone else, which BH I have never done, BH, as that is a total disaster scenario.
I am desperate. What do I do and how? Are there cases out there where wives dont enjoy it at all, feel no pleaseure - what is the answer...
I dont want to get divorced if I can avoid it.
Thank you so much for any guidance you can give.
A. Hi. I feel your pain, and your concern is real. The way you tell this over, it sounds like your wife needs help. However, there are always two sides to every story. You really both should go for marriage counseling. It could very well be that your sex life could be 100 times better if your wife felt you were emotionally there for her and if you knew how to show true appreciation and caring in your marriage. Many men don't know these things. It's not our fault, we simply weren't programmed to understand the needs of females. But just like any good thing in life, it has to be learned, unfortunately, often the hard way.
Also, some men don't even know HOW to pleasure their wives. In getting pleasure, a woman is not like a man. A woman can only get an orgasm when she is emotionally happy and feeling loved and cared for, plus, of-course, there are the sensual places that a man needs to know, such as "how to touch", "when to touch", and "where"... This can all be learned.
There's actually a frum marriage counselor / therapist in Jerusalem who helps frum men (even Chassidic) to learn all the secrets of how to please one's wife. Frum people are never taught these things, but it is an essential part of marriage. This counselor has seen many times through experience that if a man pleases his wife properly, the wife is much happier and respectful of her husband, and this often solves many Shalom Bayis issues. He also teaches the men how to show caring and appreciation for their wives, something that frum people, again, are often not taught adequately. See here for more on this phenomenon.
Don't get me wrong, I am not judging or taking sides here, I'm just saying that often there are two sides to a problem and that there MAY be some things you need to learn.
Also, please read this page of our FAQ carefully, until the end. Maybe it can help somewhat, or give you some ideas. You are not alone.
I am very happy to hear about your amazing progress, in spite of these serious issues. It shows you have real strengths!