Q. My wife isn't what I see on the street-those girls look so much cooler. They walk the walk and dress the dress and hold themselves the way that turns you on. I want it so bad, help!! i'm being honest and it hurts so much-it makes me cry. these are my thoughts with tears in my eyes...the thought that i could look any good looking girl in the face and say i love her. it hurts when this is what my heart pulls me to and i can't look my wife in the face because it hurts me to much. Where is my love? will i ever love my wife properly? will i ever appreciate her for what she is or will it always be more about what she looks like and the image that she exudes? it gets me down....and scared. Will i ever be able to look her in the eyes and say i love you-? everything in life is is about women, why such a power in the world? Will my wife ever satisfy my craving?
A. Dear Jew, As long as your wife is not "enough" for you, it is the poison of "lust" speaking - not your intellect. And that poison is NEVER satisfied. I can tell you hundreds of stories of people who had this poison in their blood and they let it control them. And they were never ever happy until they hit bottom really hard and finally surrendered their lust to Hashem.
Hashem Davka gave you a woman that you don't feel "lust" for, to show you that "lust" is FALSE. Treasure your relationship with her and you will conquer LUST. Let her be your "measuring" scale. As long as you feel distant from her because of this, it is a sign that you have to work harder on giving up lust. On the other hand, the more you can appreciate her, the more it means you are making progress. This is a GIFT from Hashem. Be THANKFUL that he didn't give you a woman who would continue to FEED your addiction and lust.
It takes a lot of maturity to accept what I am telling you, because it is hard. But you will see one day how true it is what I am saying. I only pray you see it soon, and not have to learn the hard way.
Please read as well what we brought from the SA pamphlet about LUST, in Chizuk e-mail 362 and 363 (on this page).
I also want to tell you another few things...
1) The passions we feel for other women are all fake. It's a game Hashem plays with us. Rash lakish was once a robber and sinner who did every davar assur. And he said in the gemara that the desire to "look" at women is more powerful and more pleasurable even than the Ma'aseh itself. He KNEW what he was talking about. Why? Because when we look, the Yetzer hara uses "Dimyon" - imagination, to blow it up. But the desires we feel are FAKE. The minute we would HAVE what we THINK we want, we can't believe that for this we sold our souls.
2) And this is the biggest chesed that hashem does for us. He asks from us what we FEEL is messiras nefesh, but it really is all hot-air. And he gives us so much schar for saying "no" to absolutely NOTHING, and in return for turning away he offers us the greatest closeness to him. It feels like a mountain, but when we fall, we feel that we were "felled" by a "string".
3) People like you, who feel such intense love and attraction to other women, these are the people who have the greatest potential for incredible love and closeness to hashem. As the ba'al shem tov said many times, the love and lust we feel is "fallen love" from the upper worlds. It is your soul's yearning for the SOURCE of all beauty and desire and pleasure; namely HASHEM. If you feel this so intensely, it means you have great potential in you, if you can only learn to direct this love to its source! So every time you feel these feelings that you write about, try and direct them to the source. Ask yourself, why does my mind of flesh and blood "mess" up the signals? Scream out to Hashem that you want to love him, you want to see the truth!