"I found out my husband watches porn. What can I do?"
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Q. I have just found out that my husband has been watching porn on the Internet to make up for, in his words, "the boredom" he feels in our marriage. I feel betrayed and shattered. I am outraged and hurt. I think I hate him. I found out about this site from blogs on Arutz 7. I don't know where to turn for help. I don't know what to do? We have five children. He is a family physician. I teach English in grade school. I feel like that our sex life is boring too. If other women have been through this - is there hope? What should I do?

 

A. Dear Jewish Women of Valor everywhere who have found themselves dealing this terrible problem,

You must not accept this. You must be strong and refuse to accept that this is who your husband is, otherwise he will never be able to change. You are his biggest hope and his strongest incentive. He will only change if he is up against your strong will. To make sure your husband gets help, you must insist that that he go for for therapy or maybe that he confide in his Rabbi and ask for his advice (Zeva Citronenbaum is a religious counselor in Monsey has been known to help religious couples in this predicament).

 

If your husband refuses to be helped or insists he has no problem, you should possibly even threaten divorce - until he agrees to go for help. You were given this job by G-d to stand strong and not back down, for this is the only way his soul will be able to purify itself. To help you understand how this addiction will ultimately ruin your marriage and your husband, and to help you appreciate the value of "not backing down", we have brought several relevant stories here.

Very often women have a low self esteem, and are afraid to insist that their husband change. Especially when these women have been treated for years in a degrading manner by their husbands, which is all to common with porn addicts who have learned to view women as objects and only in a self-fulfilling way. If this is the case, you must fight your feelings of low self-esteem, for both you and your husband's sake.

 

Another important step is to insist that he get rid of the computer or at least install a fool-proof filter (see Tip #1, Part A). Tell him strongly - "it's either me or the computer!" With the porn only a click away, it will be too hard for him to even start to change. This is a serious addiction and it must be treated as such. It will take hard work on both of your parts, but the reward is infinite and your marriage will be renewed. 

Also, your husband MUST know that it IS possible to change! But often, a person is not able to make a serious change unless he truly feels he can't go on like this anymore ("hitting bottom"). Sometimes a person needs to be given to feel that his life is about to crumble. Bring him close with your right hand, but push him away with your left hand. It's a delicate balance to know how much to accept and show patience, and how much to insist on him changing. The therapist that your husband will see, will be able to guide you on this balance. 

 

To prove to your husband that it is possible to change, have him read the Recovery Stories on our site.

To start on the road to recovery, please encourage your husband to check out the Tips Page. These are tips that have worked for so many people, and he will surely find there many tips to help him progress on the road to recovery!

 

Consistently insist that he work on himself, every day a bit more. And you must not to back down until he is fully healed. If he senses you are backing down from your demands or are beginning to accept him for who he is, he may very well not grow further, ultimately leading to a gradual decline back to where he started.

 

This terrible addiction also causes the couple to feel boredom in their sex life. The wife doesn't feel any more excitement because there is no more intimacy and truth in his love. And the husband finds his sex life boring because of the heightened stimulation that the porn offers him every day. As soon as he is working on himself seriously and quitting the porn, his wife will be his only outlet and his only love once again, and you will both find renewed passion again in your sex life.

 

My heart goes out to you. May G-d be with you.