Q. Hi, I am writing to you because of some of the questions I have and the desperate need for clarification. I am married b”h but not happily married. I do not respect my husband for he’s the type that will squander time, wake up late and watch movies on the internet and lie to me often. I really wanted to marry a ben torah that will sit and learn. I thought he would do so – but does not. I am okay with the fact that some men are not cut out to learn. He recently gave up tutoring bachurim and an autistic boy and is working full time in Manhattan in an office using Quickbooks. I began not trusting him when he used to sit for two hours in the bathroom with a laptop. I found non-jewish films. I understood what he was doing…but he said he was playing games in there. At another point, he used to come home late at night. I knew something was up his sleeve, I then found out that he was going into my office at work every night (he made a copy of my key) and he signed up to porn sights and was emailing women about wanting to have sex with them… At that point I was pregnant with my second child and was completely horrified & shattered. I then contacted my Rav to speak with him. My husband said he would try not to go there again… At that point I agreed to bring the internet into the house with the K9 Web Protection being that he was going to many people’s houses to use the internet and was doing whatever he wanted there. Even with the K9 Web Protection, he managed to look at non kosher sights. In any case, I’m not Hashem, and I don’t have to be his Mashgiach. But, one thing I make sure is that there is the K9 Web Protection and the rest I have no control over… A few weeks ago, my husband broke his laptop and the K9 Web Protection was removed. He had the K9 Web Protection reinstalled and everything fixed by a computer technician but he did not connect his computer to the internet but “only” watched movies with it. He was trying to prove to me that he’s getting better and does not even need to use the internet… When I opened his computer, I connected it to the internet and saw that the K9 Web Protection was installed but did not filter anything. I called my husband on the phone to ask him for the Technicians number so that I can have it fixed. He did not want to give it to me. I asked him to call the technician himself, with me on the line, to fix it.. He did not want. He came home and yanked the laptop out of my hand, and said he was going to throw the laptop in the garbage…of course I would not believe him. He then agreed to have the K9 Web Protection uninstalled and that I’ll get it installed with the proper restrictions with my technician. He’s mad why I don’t trust him. I just caught him with another lie. He had a USB which gave him instant access wherever he was. He told me a few weeks ago that he cancelled it and was not using it any longer. I called the Sprint Company and saw that he made another payment for it so it’ll be active for the next 12 months. So now I really know that he was watching “movies” in the bathroom. He was on Porn sights and emailing to have sex. I confronted him about this and he said that it’s partially my fault because I don’t give him enough and he doesn’t have anyone that truly loves him or looks after him. He agreed to give away his laptop and USB to his brother. Now, my computer is in the house. I informed my husband of the 12 step program and that he wasn’t interested in it being that he works full time now, he “learns” at night between Minchah and Maariv and gave away his own laptop and USB to his brother who is now in Boro Park. The other night I went shopping in the mall, and was under the assumption my husband was learning between Minchah and Maariv. He actually went home and was looking through photo galleries of half naked women etc. I detected this when I pulled up the browsing history. Right now I’m on birth control because I don’t know what direction my life is taking me. I utterly heartbroken and wish someone can help out my husband and myself. I can’t stop crying… Should I confront my husband again? ( I just spoke to him about this 2 and half weeks ago when he gave away his laptop – what he did now is not that bad but it still shatters me.) Should I overlook this? Please give me your advice.
Regards,
Shattered womanA. Dear "Shattered woman",
Your husband has a disease. He is very ill and no amount of "catching him" and no amount of his promises will help. He has an addiction, and an addict will slowly self-destruct himself. He cannot stop himself on his own. You are his only hope. Without your being insistent that he get help, he will not get help. Addicts live in denial. They are petrified to lose their "drug". You must be strong. You must not take this any longer. An addict will try to put the blame on you, but this is his addiction talking. Don't listen to this. No filters will be strong enough for an addict. Please download our two handbooks and give them to your husband to read. They can change his life. I will put links to the handbooks at the bottom of this e-mail.
We can help your husband, but only if he WANTS to be helped. If you threaten to leave him, he may finally wake up and WANT to get help. Please see the attached flyer. Show this to your husband and have him contact us, and/or have him contact the therapists on this page. He may have to join an SA or SLAA 12-Step group to finally recover, but again, he must WANT to recover or it won't work. He must sense that his life is falling apart before he is ready to be helped.
Please read many similar stories to yours over here:
http://www.guardureyes.com/GUE/Stories/womStory.asp
and
http://www.guardureyes.com/GUE/FAQ/FAQFW1.asp
and
http://www.guardureyes.com/GUE/FAQ/FAQFW3.asp
and
http://www.guardureyes.com/GUE/FAQ/FAQFW2.asp And read this story of a non-Jewish couple, written by the wife.
You may even have to "leave" the house for a few days to show him you are dead serious and get him to wake up. Don't listen to any claims that now he is "healed", and that he won't do it again, etc.. He WILL do it again. An addiction is too powerful. He can only begin to heal if he gets real help through the 12-Step groups, our website, and an addiction therapist. (Make sure he sees specifically anaddiction therapist, not just ANY therapist).
May Hashem give you the strength to get through it all, and may Hashem give him the strength to change. Tell him that through this all, he will come out a much stronger man, and will have a much better relationship with Hashem, with you, and with HIMSELF.
P.S. Read Dov's story over here. Have your husband read it too. And there are so many other great recovery stories on our site that he can read and see that it CAN be done.
Links to the handbooks: Right click on the links below and select "Save Link/Target As" to download the handbooks to your computer.
This Handbook details 18 suggested tools and techniques, in progressive order, beginning with the most basic and fundamental approaches to dealing with this addiction, and continuing down through increasingly earnest and powerful methods. For the first time, we can gauge our level of addiction and find the appropriate tools for our particular situation. And no matter what level our addiction may have advanced to, we will be able to find the right tools to break free in this handbook!
The Attitude Handbook details 30 basic principles to help us maintain the proper attitude and perspective on this struggle. Here are some examples: Understanding what we are up against, what it is that Hashem wants from us, how we can use this struggle for tremendous growth, how we can deal with bad thoughts, discovering how to redirect the power of our souls, understanding that every little bit counts, learning how to bounce back up after a fall, and so on and so forth...