Guard Your Eyes

A website for Jews struggling to maintain their moral purity in today's world
  GUE Home New Website Forum Email List Stories Tips Hotline 12 Steps Filters Links FAQ Help Us Kosher Isle Contact  

Cheapened and abused

Q. My husband blames me for his porn habit. He blames me for being overweight and unattractive. He says I don't excite him and that he has to watch porn in order to have sex with me. How can I live with this hurt? What can I do?

A. Sexual desire was created by G-d with two different aspects to it. There is the "lust" that the man feels, which is often related to the woman's body, and then there is the sensual excitement and emotional closeness felt at the time of intercourse. The "lust" aspect was created by G-d to cause the man to desire the woman and take her for himself, in other words - it is there to lead to marriage. However, once the couple is married, the "lust" aspect of "sex" has done it's job and should no longer be a dominant aspect of the sexual relationship between the couple. He has his woman, they have dedicated themselves to each other, and their sexual relationship should become one of sensuality and emotional closeness. If a man keeps the "lust" aspect of sex alive, he will be pulled constantly in all directions by the women on the street and on the internet, and as his wife has children and her body changes and/or as she gets older, he will loose interest in her and he will never be able to lead a normal marriage life. Sex after marriage should develop into an emotional closeness between the two of you. However, your husband is "fueling" his "lust switch" all the time with porn. Not only is he "not letting go of it" as he should, but he is fueling it every day - making it by far the most dominant aspect of his sexuality. Your husband has a serious addiction which doesn't let him see the truth. He is using your being overweight as an excuse to continue, because he believes the addiction would be too hard for him to change. He must go for therapy or ultimately be threatened with divorce. You will never be able to have a normal marriage like this. He must be weaned of this destructive habit or you will ultimately find it impossible to take the abuse and lack of emotional contact with him. 

Please see here for more advice and for more stories of women that were / are suffering from exactly what you are going through!

May G-d be with you.