Guard Your Eyes

Q. I've noticed that your entire site only caters to men. No mention is ever made of women having a problem. Yet, at least in my case, I definitely do. Perhaps, being a woman, it's such an av'lah that I'm too fargone for hope. Or maybe there's another website especially for women with this problem. I doubt it. I feel like I'm a one and only who has lost her olam haba (world to come) forever. The stain can never be erased. I'm SICK. ... (Plonit)

The site is geared mostly to men only because this problem is more common with men. However, most of the tips, stories and advice on the site and in the daily e-mails apply to women just the same as men. I would highly suggest joining an SLAA group in your area. See here for more on this.

No matter how low a person has fallen and no matter how severe the sins he or she has done, the doors of true T'shuvah are never closed and G-d's hands are always outstretched and waiting for us to return to him. See here for more on Teshuvah.

Before a person starts out on their journey to recovery, the goal seems huge and out-of reach. But once a person realizes that it's an addiction - it's not them, there is so much they can do to begin to battle it. Please see our therapy page and our tips page. I would say that 90% of our site, at least, can be applied to women as well.

Don't give up hope. So many people have broken this powerful addiction. See the stories section and the recovery stories in particular, to see the paths that people have paved in their struggle. If G-d has given you this great journey to undertake, he must trust you with it. This alone should give you joy. You must have a high spiritual soul.

Thank you for your kind words of encouragement. They make me want to cry. Here you are being nice to me when I really deserve fire & brimstone.

Even if I do teshuva my aveiros can never be erased completely. The eraser marks will still be there. The images are implanted in my memory and will never go away. I'm sick over it. I feel sorry for my children. They deserve a much better mother than me. Their neshamos are so innocent and tahor. Even goyishe mothers are better than me.

I live in this silent world of guilt, or, perhaps, more accurately, of numbness. No one would ever dream that that frum lady with all the chumros could stoop so low. It's just like they say about Olam Haba that everything is going to appear just the opposite there than what it appears here.

I stopped looking at forbidden pictures a while ago. But they are still in my memory. I still remember when I was about 10 years old (about 35 years ago!) and found some pictures that were even worse (if that's possible) than what is on the internet. The shame I felt when I first saw them burned through my face. And yet, those memories still linger.

I was given a pure neshama at birth and will be returning a war torn, weary, battered shmata when I go back.

Your website is like a rope being thrown to a drowning person. But it will take a lot of convincing for me to believe that there's hope. I want the memories erased. I want all my past mistakes erased. Erased without a trace. Like a brand new piece of paper. I don't think that's possible.

Plonit

See here for some Chizuk...

Just the fact that you had the will power to stop looking at forbidden things shows you have greatness inside you. How many people are willing to work on themselves and admit their past mistakes in today's world? This is very precious in G-d's eyes.

Chassidus teaches us that a Jew has to look at the past and future as out of their hands, and to see what you did in the past as what G-d wanted to happen. Strange as it may seem, your sins of the past were G-d's will. Only the present is in our hands. In the present, it is in our hands to decide if we want to change, and do Teshuvah on the past. That means that the situation you are in at this present time, is exactly the situation G-d wants you to deal with. Look at it as if you were born at this moment, with all the images and memories already engraved in your head. G-d wants you to deal with this situation, and davka this situation. And this is also a chance for greatness, to be able to serve G-d with joy even though the brain was already influenced by the past.

We all are in this together. We all have a damaged past to deal with, and that is why we, the members of this e-mail group, are great spiritual soldiers. If we had pure minds and had never sinned, we wouldn't have the opportunity for growth and for Teshuvah that we have today. We wouldn't have the opportunity to pave new paths of recovery and give G-d true joy. That is what we are here for.

Your children are lucky to have such a mother. You are paving a spiritual path that will effect their neshomos and give them the strength to overcome as well, if they G-d forbid ever fall (even if they don't know what you went through). Also, that which we do not succeed in fixing, is often passed on to our children to continue working on. However, if you succeed in doing a true Teshuvah on this, your children will be saved, G-d willing, from these great Nisyonos of our generation.

May G-d be with you!

Thank you for your very inspiring words.

I would appreciate if you could elaborate on what you wrote "your sins of the past were G'd's will". What is the source? Something seems wrong. Let me sin again today and tomorrow I'll say that what I did yesterday was G'ds will.

This past haftora was very interesting. Rachav HaZona became the wife of Calev and the mother of 10 Kohanim! At first it gave me a lot of hope. But then I thought.... hey... she was a goy when she was known as Rachav Hazona. Once she converted though, I'm sure she never reverted back to her old ways. But then again, whatever she did must have still been in her memory.

Plonit

As far as Rachav Hazoneh, what you wrote is correct. The mere fact that she had "her past" still in her memory and was able to acheive such heights, this is proof that davka such a person can reach the greatest heights by uplifting their past to a level that even Tzaddikim can not reach.

You also wrote:
I would appreciate if you could elaborate on what you wrote "your sins of the past were G'd's will". What is the source? Something seems wrong. Let me sin again today and tomorrow I'll say that what I did yesterday was G'ds will.

This is a very good question and it is one of the deepest mysteries of the universe. I didn't feel adequate to answer it alone and presented it to a friend of mine who is well versed in the secrets of Jewish philosophy. Here is the reply I got (I hope you understand the terminology, if not, feel free to ask).