Q. To those that have created this site, I want to ask why is the site directed to men and not women? I am a 20 year old recently married women. For the first yearsof my marriage I was bored, depressed and missed my family I lived on the computer and became obsessed with porn talking with men and developing an attraction for women. Recently I decided I wanted to save my marriage and try stop my addiction I have been 3 months without any porn or talking to any men/women from the internet. But every day it gets harder I am still bored, lonely and depressed and the computer and its thrills beckon me. The temptations are getting stronger by the day I am trying so hard but it's getting harder ad harder to stay strong. I heard of ur site and decided to see if it could help me but I was dissapointed to find that it's mainly directed to men. what about all these women who are suffering to and want to save themselves??? Please I beg of you I don't want to fall again please help me!
A. Dear Jewish soul,
You have come a long way. Three months is very good progress. But your struggle is real and I feel your pain. I understand so well your fear of falling backwards.
However, like you write--and I fully agree--it is too hard for someone with your struggles to be left alone and bored, with all the temptations and their old addiction staring right at them within hands reach. You must make fences for yourself. You are not an angel. Even though you want to save your marriage, you can easily lose yourself in a moment of weakness. Therefore, if you are truly afraid of falling again, you should try to get the computer out of the house. And if you must have it, please do yourself the biggest favor and sign up with a kosher server like www.thejnet.com and/or install a foolproof filter (give the password to someone you trust not to give it to you). And if for some reason you MUST have fully open access to the internet, at least get "Accountability Software" so that someone you respect will see every site you go to and you would therefore be ashamed to go there (see here and here).
You are not the first to ask why the site is geared to men (see the last question in our FAQ page for women). Like it says there, the site is geared mostly to men only because this problem is simply more common with men. However, most of the tips, stories and advice on the site and in the daily e-mails applies to women just the same as men. I would say that at least 90% of the site is geared to women with this problem just as much as for men.
I would highly suggest joining our chizuk hotline for group-support. A frum LADY therapist (Zeva Citronenbaum) who has been trained in exactly these types of addictions, will be on the line teaching therapy tips. The group meets once a week. It really doesn't matter that you are a women. Actually, it might even help the men on the call to see that a women, the object of their lust, is not a "sexual object" but rather a person just like them - and suffers from the same problems. And you will get the same feeling speaking to the men. Your life and values are at stake. Take a jump. Don't be afraid to join.
Don't sit in the house alone, bored and depressed. That is a bad combination. As even the goyim know, the expression goes "idle hands are the tools of the satan".
Find a hobby or job or chesed project to keep you busy.
Exercise.
Spend more time with friends and family.
Read books that interest you.
Read through the stories on our site. They apply to you as well. And read one or two tips every day from our tips pages.
For more on sexual purity for women click here.
Feel free to keep us updated on your progress or ask questions...
May G-d be with you.
Q. Part 2.
thanks for ur email and ur support I really like ur site and I wish more people would know about it. I would love to join the support hotline but I can't. You see my husband has no idea what I am going through, I know u think how could he not he prob suspects but I grew up in an abusive home and I learnt how to hide my feelings and emotions really well these skills came in very good use when I was hiding from my husband every day what I was doing now I am still strugling and I wish I could join the hotline but it would mean paying for it with my credit card which my husband controls so he would see right away where the payment is going to and ask me why. Also I'm assuming the hotline is normal american hours which here in israel would mean the middle of the night so it wouldn't work out anyway.
Another problem with joining the site and being the only women there so far is the fact I am talking to men and I know when they are sending me messages they are just supporting my decision to try and heal myself but when I reply thanking them for there support I feel like I am falling backwards once again I am talking to anonymous men over the internet and although I know its not about sex I am talking about just the opposite it still feels wrong and I am scared tat this could harm me I really want to get to the day when I can build a family in the torah way where these struggles are a thing of the past.
any suggestions???
thanks once againA. Part 2.
Yes, the hotline is U.S hours...
But anyway, could it be that it might be right for you to tell your husband what you are going through? He would hopefully understand and appreciate that you are working hard on yourself and that maybe you shouldn't have the computer at home - or at least install some good filters. You can also maybe show him your correspondence with me and the answers I gave you...
Maybe you have someone, like a Rebbetzin who you really respect, and could ask advice about how to tell it to your husband, and maybe tell it to him in her presence, together with this Rebbetzin (or a Rav you both respect). I think once your husband would know, he could work with you together. It will be much easier if he understands and can encourage you. Also, if he knew, you wouldn't be afraid to consider the option of therapy, if neccecary. See our therapy page for 3 good therapists here in Israel that are trained in this sort of thing. You might even go with your husband to a few sessions together. The fact you grew up in an abusive home explains a lot where this addiction comes from. I encourage you to read the article called "Psychological Factors in Sexual Acting Out" in this link . It is important to understanding why therapy may be able to help you.
Also, as someone with Yiras Shamayim, you might be able to use vows to stay away from things that lead you to fall. However, one must be careful when making vows to make only vows they are SURE they can control. For advice on how to use vows for these things, see this page. Normally making vows is frowned upon by our sages as with someone playing with fire, but when it comes to girding oneself from sexual temptation, we find that making vows is praised by the Torah and by Chaz"al. As the Pasuk says "Nishbati Va'akayeima, lishmor Mishpatei Tzidkecha" - "I have vowed and will uphold it, to guard your righteous laws". And also it says "Nishba Lehora Velo Yamir - Oseh eileh lo Yimot Le'olam" - "He who swears to prevent bad and does not nullify... he will never falter". And Chaza"l also say that Bo'az swore to guard himself from transgressing when Ruth came to him in the silo at night, as it says "Chai Hashem, Shichvi ad haboker" - "In the name of G-d, lay here until morning".
You are obviously seeking to be free and "Haba Litaher Mesayin Lo". I am sure you will merit to build a true Jewish home on the derech of the Torah, like you truly want.
I also saw your post on the forum. For now, I can be your sponsor. Keep me updated on your progress and feel free to write when feeling weak. May Hashem be with you!