Guard Your Eyes

This Question was posted on our Forum.

Q. I just graduated Bais Yaakov of Borough Park, and I have been raised very well by my wonderful parents. My parents almost immediately started setting me up on shidduch dates after I graduated, and seem to have my whole life planned out for me. Since September I have been at this vocational school for computer programming in NY to teach me a trade, so that I can work while my husband to be can learn. I have been boarding at a nice family in NJ so that I can have a easier commute.

I don't know what is happening to me, but during the summer I went to Israel to be with my extended family, to tour and see the beautiful land, and it also was kind of a vacation for me, my first time on my own. Something happened there that changed me. I was sitting on Ben Yehudah Street when.... (Webmaster interrupts: Here the author describes how she fell into a serious sex addiction in a relatively short period of time. The addiction continued as well after she returned from Israel, as she writes "now that I am back in the U.S. I feel like I have the Satan living inside of me". We removed the details because we are afraid they may be a "trigger" for some people who come to this site and read this.... At the end the author writes...) It's this insatiable urge that I cannot control. I want to be a good girl, but it's like I lose all my control!

What do I do?

A. Dear Yiddishe Neshama,

I am the webmaster of www.guardureyes.com and I run the forum as well. I apologize, but I had to remove your post from the forum because it was a little too extreme and I am afraid that the people who read it, who are themselves people who are/were addicted to sexual behaviors, may be triggered by the story. Instead, I will attempt to answer you by e-mail.

For starters, I want to commend you for seeking help. Your life is still in front of you and if you don't take care of this FAST, you will lose everything.

Your story is unfortunate. However, as Yidden, we have to believe that whatever happened to us in the past was meant to happen. The present however, is fully in our hands to deal with, as the Pasuk says "Ubachartah Bachayim". This seems like a strange contradiction, but it is one of the foundations of Emunah. (See here for more explanation on this). The ramifications of this Yesod is, that you have to put what happened until today behind you, and know that it is as if you were born today - having already this addiction to rectify. The fact that you have such a big issue to deal with means Hashem trusts you with something of this magnitude. He knows that your Neshama needs to go through this Tikkun and that is why he brought you to fall into what is basically a "sex addiction". And he wouldn't have given you this test if he didn't trust you with it and if he didn't give you the strengths to get out of it as well. And that is what will make you a Tzadeikis and bring you close to him. He wants you to earn a true connection with him, and not just be content with living a life of superficial emunah. By the time you are finished dealing with this, you will be on a whole new spiritual plane than you were before you fell into this in the first place. And it could be that Hashem wanted you on that HIGHER plane, before he gets you married to your true zivug, who is possibly someone on a much higher spiritual level than you once were.

At this stage, it is your full responsibility to do everything in your power to change your downward spiral before it is too late, and to deal with the challenge that was thrown at you from above. Know that you are not dealing with "super big" Ta'avos, but rather with an "addiction" and a psychological issue. It is not just a spiritual disease, but one of the mind as well. Once you understand this, it is much easier to find the help you need, through the many tried and proven methods that you will learn, through our website and through therapy.

I noticed another post of yours on the forum where you claim that a person can't run away from these Ta'avos and instead must learn to face them straight on. You have a good point - for other areas, but in the area of Arayos, the Torah says "Lo Sikrivu Ligalos Erva" - do not come "close". No where else does the Torah use this lashon, not even with avodah Zara. And chaza"l were clear about this in many places, that "ain apotropus le'arayos" - there is no way to guarantee that one won't fall in these areas. The Gemarah tells many stories of the biggest Tanayim who thought that these desires were already far below them, and how the Satan came to them in the form of a beautiful woman, and that they would have been lost - if not for the Zechus of their Torah. With this Ta'avah, it CAN'T be fought head-on. If you try to fight it head on, you will lose. It is too strong. Instead, we need to use Guerrilla warfare. What do I mean by that? I want you to please read what Rabbi Yitzchak Twerski once explained to me. Go to this page and scroll down to the bottom where it says "Dr / Rabbi Yitzchak Twersky from Jerusalem sums up his approach in helping people deal with these difficult issues".

It is precisely this attitude that (although not your fault) led you to fall as far as you have. You keep thinking: What's the use of me trying to avoid certain places or certain boys or whatever? If I can't fight it head-on, then I'm not ready to. And when I'm ready, I'll fight it head on. Admit it. That is your feeling. But my dear Yiddishe Neshama, it doesn't work like this in these areas. You will never be ready. The greatest Tzadikim couldn't fight this Ta'avah head on. See the story of R' Amram Chasid over here. You must get help. You must cry out to those who are close to you, who really want to help you, cry out "there's a fire!!" (as in the story of R' Amram Chasid). You need to open up about your problem to someone close to you, who you can trust. It's the secrecy and hiding that makes this so difficult to overcome. Once you have opened up and are seeking help - which you have started to do today - it will become much easier for you to deal with. I promise.

Read also this story of a Bais Yakov girl. Although she didn't fall as far as you did, it is at the age you are in that these things tend to happen. They do happen. At this immature and unsettled stage in life, a girl is very vulnerable. You are human. But you have to get out of it NOW or your life is doomed. You will lose everything that you want for yourself deep down. All chances for a home of Torah and Kedusha will be lost. I can try to give you steps and guidance to help you break through this, with Hashem's help. But you have to make a strong decision right now, that this whole "fling with the devil" is OVER.

The next step, like we said before, is to know you CAN'T fight it head on. Instead we have to look for what triggers you, what people, what situations, and start avoiding them.

It's also very important to understand the psychological causes that may be causing you to be more vulnerable to these things than other girls. There are certain known subconscious feelings that cause people to act out sexually. All women want attention, love and someone to care for them. When a man starts up with a girl and shows an interest in her, she thinks that he cares about her. But men are just looking for your body. They just want the sex. They pretend they care for you and love you, but it's all false. And the minute it's over, you KNOW it's false too. But some people have a psychological "need" for attention and caring that is so intense, that they don't CARE that it's false even though they know the truth. They need every second of it they can get. So why do some people have this desperate need more than others? That is what therapy helps you discover. Perhaps they didn't receive proper love and attention as a child at home, or perhaps they have issues of low self-esteem or were even abused as a child. These things are common and they lead people to have a tendency to become addicted to various temporary pleasures which "sooth" their "inner wounded child" and "medicate" the void they feel inside their subconscious minds. But it is hard to probe your own subconscious. It is vital that you see a therapist to work out the issues. Without working out these kind of issues, it will be very difficult to stop.

I highly suggest you get in touch with Zeva Citronenbaum. She is in the Tri-State area, a religious woman who helps people in exactly your situation. Here's her contact information:

Zeva Citronenbaum
845-222-0580
Confidential Hotline
zcitr@aol.com

Please call her TODAY.
PLEASE. I am begging you.

Save your life before it is too late.

See here for more therapist options.

See also here, for another woman who wrote us in the past with problems.

And here, for yet another woman's story.

And see here about talking to parents about these things.

Please also browse through the tips on our site. Many of them (but not all) apply to you too.

Please feel free to write me privately at eyes.guard@gmail.com to ask any questions.

And never stop davening. That is also the key. At the end of the day, only Hashem can really help a person.
He got you in this and he can get you out. Keep asking him for help, and trust in him that he WILL help you.
Haba Litaher Mesayin Lo, and you have started today!

"Me" answers on the forum

Dear Bas Yisroel:

Know that it is through Hashems immense love for you, that HE brought you to this place. You have questions, (from your post it is obvious that you have been thinking about your lot in life).... and Hashem has led you to THIS place.

Please believe that Hashem wants the very best for you, and please know that the very very best that life has to offer, IS available for you. You only need one thing, and that is the desire to go for it.

You are here, and to help clarify things better so that you will know where you are:
You are amongst a group of yidden who are looking for Hashem. Looking to return L'Avinu Sh'Beshmayim. People who are truly "Mevakesh Hashem", (searching for our dear heavenly father so that he will have compassion for us, and bring us back to him).

Please use your emmuna, and believe that most of us here at this site, are much older than you. We have been fighting with the yetzer for many many years. Most of the things, i.e. his words of seduction that he has/is telling you.....we have already heard them ourselves, wispered into our ears and our weak hearts by the very same menuval, the yetzer harah, he who has but one wish and desire.....to destroy all of us. Who is this "all of us"? Hashems children, his sons and daughters that he loves so much.

Bas Yisroel,
We have many years of trials, and experiences and we all together come here to tell you that his words are all lies! We know by experience.You do not need to try and see for yourself. We have already listened to his words, and we have failed. Now, you have the great benefit to use our failures, our experiences, our learning, and return back to your father in heaven. He is waiting for you, and here you have received from the administrator of this forum,much advice and direction. You merely need the will and desire.
Forget about the past and begin now to create your new future. One of holiness, purity, and closeness to the creator.

Take but one step forward, and Hashem will take 2 steps forward to meet you...

"Basyisroel2012" answers on the forum

Dear Bas Yisroel..

As a fellow Bas Yisrael (although one much older than you, I am sure) allow me to give some input on your sorrowful tale. I hope everyone will forgive me, but I grew up in an extremely modern household so do not have the clearly extensive knowledge of Talmud that the rest of you do. All I have is my open heart, which will gladly give you my tale incase I can be of some help to poor Debbie Steiner, who is clearly a lost Neshama.

Although I have been married for many years, I was at one time in the same situation. I was addicted to undesirable men and undesirable activities, and did many things I am not proud of. I was tricked many times into being with more than one man at a time, and doing things that no Jewish, frum girl should be doing with a man (please understand that I did not realise the severity at the time of Zera Levatalya, and that doing certain things with one's mouth is Assur).. these are things I have made sure not to do with my own dear husband, and he does not embarrass or humiliate me by asking for them. So too, Debbie, I am sure that you will find and meet the right man for you.

In truth, my own dear husband still does not know the extent of my activities. I fear the shock of discovering them may kill him. I spoke to many trusted Halachic authorities before getting married, and the response which I opted to go with was not to tell my dear Chosson of my past. I am embarrassed to admit, but on the wedding night I faked my own virginity because I was so embarassed of my past. I hope you, Debbie, will have the strength to admit to your dear chosson of your untoward behaviour, as I feel this will be the way to lead down a desirable path and away from the slippery slopes of addiction.
I would advise you to contact the woman listed above. I only wish I had known about her when I was having my severe problems because now I feel trapped in my lies. I would also advise you to stay away from men who seek to do you wrong and use you and trick you. Try and proceed down the Shidduch path when you feel ready, and your dear chosson will surely take care of your needs.