Don't Live in the Problem, Live in the Solution.
Today I want to share some big Yesodos that I learned from Dov. (If anyone has experience with what really works, it's Dov. Once a slave to an all-consuming lust addiction, Dov is now sober for over 11.5 years! See Dov's story here).
It often takes a lot of trying and failing before we are finally able to say in all honesty - as Chazal say, "If Hashem would not help him, there is no way he can beat him (the Yetzer Hara)". And this is the first step of the 12-Steps; admitting "powerlessness". The reason the struggle is so hard for us - and the reason we keep failing at it, is because we are struggling with something much more powerful than us. However, once we admit powerlessness, we basically come to the realization that we can no longer "struggle" with lust at all. We can't "work on this area" or try and "change the way we think". We can only "let go" of it completely and not even give lust the time of day. If lust comes into our head or if something comes into our field of vision, instead of struggling with it, we just tell ourselves: "I can't struggle with lust at all, I am an addict", and we just "let go of it" in our hearts completely.
How do we do that?
Well, if it's far too hard for us to focus on and struggle with "the problem", the only way to succeed is to live instead in the SOLUTION.
What does that mean?
Lust is all "me centered". It's all about me. The "solution" is to start living for others and for Hashem. We need to train our minds that when we feel lust, we just laugh and say "hey, what can you expect from an addict?" and then painlessly switch channels to a channel of "giving" and "gratitude" instead of being "Me focused". For example, if we feel lust for someone, we switch channels to thinking what we can do for that person instead of what we can take from them (after turning away of-course, otherwise we won't be able to let go of the "me mode"). We can daven for them to have everything good in life and a true connection to Hashem.
When we feel lust, we can switch modes in our mind and begin to think of all the blessings we have in life, to feel gratitude to Hashem etc, which brings us to think about what can we do for Hashem. And we can think also about what we can do for others, and how we can make ourselves more useful to others... We need to change our mode of thinking from the "me-centered-getting-mode" that breeds lust, to a mode of "giving and gratitude" outside of ourselves.
And the miracle is, that by changing the way we think and the things we do over time, we find that the problem goes away by itself!! In other words, we can't fix the problem; forget it, it's way too strong. But when we live in the SOLUTION and focus on living "outside" of ourselves, the PROBLEM automatically goes away...
All this "struggling" with the Yetzer Hara and "working on ourselves" - that's for OTHERS, NOT for addicts. We cannot deal with lust at all. That's the secret of the first step. We need to completely bypass it, let go of it, and give it up to Hashem. And it is only when we do this step - which is to recognize that we are addicts; that we are ill; that we cannot deal with lust AT ALL, only at that point we can begin our journey to recovery and learn how to surrender it to Hashem and GIVE IT UP COMPLETELY.
Ironically, it is only to admitting powerlessness that we are able to ultimately find true freedom!!
Our minds tell us that if we stop lusting and if we don't feed our lust, life will be much less fun... But our mind is LYING to us. It is the exact OPPOSITE! It is ONLY when we finally GIVE UP on struggling with lust and LET GO of it, that we will finally be able to find true freedom and happiness.
And one last Yesod from Dov on this topic:
"Letting go of lust" should only be done "one day at a time". It's too hard for addicts to think in such terms as "letting go of lust" for life. We can however, decide that "today, I am completely letting go of my 'right' to lust. Today, I won't give lust the time of day".~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Link of the Day
Rabbi Twerski mailed us an article that came out a few years ago in the Hamodia, where he answers someone's question about internet addiction.
Click here to see the article.
(Once the picture has fully loaded, click on it to enlarge)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Saying of the Day
Posted by "London"
"Decisions aren't forever"
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Testimonial of the DayBy "Joe"
First of all, I want to congratulate you on improving your site with many new options! They are invaluable tools for all Jews!
Second, I am happy to tell you that I have been close to 100 days clean, THANK G-D, the only One who has made this possible through his kindness!!!
Third, I want to mention that the book "The Light of Ephraim" is one of the best books I have ever read on the subject of Shmiras Habris, and I would recommend it to anyone. When I started reading the book, I thought it was saying that there is no Teshuvah for these sins... but I understood incorrectly, it's exactly the opposite! It's truly an amazing book.
Fourth, this is what I had to do to stay clean:
* I came across your site and similar ones, and went through months of learning, along with strong trials, ups and downs, hardships, crying to Hashem, etc.
* I read the stories on your site, which gave me light years of experience to avoid pitfalls.
* After reading all that stuff, along with some terrible "black mussar" books making me feel terrible, I decided to disappear from internet and just stop doing it!
* Daily reading of Chovot HaLevavot
* Nightly reading of "The Light of Ephraim"
* I made use of heavy Nedarim, making restricting fences for myself all over the place
* I prayed to Hashem, always asking for help with this struggle
I guess we have to be on guard all our lives to really win this war. I am still scared to fall again, May Hashem help us!
Best regards my friend, and thank you for leading me in the right direction, sharing with me your tips and for helping so many along the path. Hashem will surely grant you great merits for your efforts.
Song of the Day
My "Guard-Your-Eyes" Song
By Uri in Jerusalem
CLICK HERE to download it.
CLICK HERE to read the lyrics.
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Our "Focus-Outward" Muscles
Yesterday we shared some Yesodos from Dov on "Living in the Solution". (If anyone has experience with what really works, it's Dov. Once a slave to an all-consuming lust addiction, Dov is now sober for over 11 years! See Dov's story here). Today I would like to quote some of Dov's posts that expand on this issue in more depth. From Dov we can truly learn how to live in the SOLUTION instead of "fighting" desperately (an often losing battle) - with the PROBLEM.
Dov writes to Uri who - as we can see from the song above - is bravely struggling with the "monster" within:
To my dear friend who writes so beautifully about what's going on inside him, and about issues such as "love vs. lust", and - of course - struggling with fantasies a lot:
One simple answer for all this that anyone can do is: Don't think so much. Especially about yourself.
What??? But how???
This sounds like a very, very tall order for an addict, or for someone who is kinda young, or for someone who is naturally highly self-aware and jam-packed with feelings pretty much all the time. You (and many of us) have all these qualities. Ouch. We are experts at "focus-inward", and typically only focus outward when it's all about what we are getting - or not getting - from the other person.
Shockingly ;-), the typical prescription for this problem (that is working for me and others I know) is to start getting more and more used to thinking about others, for the rest of our lives. "Others" means anyone not attached to my own "desire / feeling / awareness" thing (some call that "thing" the ego). That list includes Hashem (of course), your family, your friends, co-workers, people you walk by in the street, etc; basically anyone with a will of their own (... not yours). So far so good?
Being apart from others - even in / especially in a room full of people - is our typical state. But for sobriety and sanity to grow, it's got to change. In real life, this means doing things that make us a part of, rather than apart from. But how? By being frummer or becoming better? Not really.
Just check these practical applications out and see if you think they would be good daily exercises for your own "focus-outward" muscles:
- Davening primarily for others in general, rather than for me (except in real emergencies) [Tzadikim do this by focusing strictly on tza'ar haSh'chinah, but we are doing it just for anyone's tza'ar but our own, for now].
- Actually functioning (even in small ways) as part of a group [a minyan can do this if you find a way].
- Accomplishing things that are not for me.
- Not taking that second look at the pretty woman (I just had to not do that myself five minutes ago!) even though it hurts cuz I'm an addict. Looking / lusting about it will just work out my "me-me-me muscle", no?
- Having a nice, long conversation with anyone and making 99% of the topic them, rather than me.
- Doing a mitzvah (or two) for G-d's sake, rather than because people will see, or for olam haba. (B"H, I rarely think about olam haba - it's too selfish in practice, though folks who treat hashkafa as reality will tell you s'char mitzvah is not supposed to be a selfish pursuit at all. So what? It is for me! So, till I'm ready for a different attitude towards s'char, out with it!)
- Keeping a halacha because we don't want to.
- Being good to ourselves because we don't want to (going to a meeting, exercising, taking a shower, learning some Torah, cleaning up the apt, making a friend, etc.) [in s'forim that's called "mis'chased im atzmo - doing kindness with one's self"].
Get the idea?
The main thing for success in this, is not allowing yourself to get bogged down by anyone (that includes you) in wrestling about philosophy (which may be mislabeled as "Torah"), motivations, the existence of altruism, or whatever else seems to really matter. It's all nice, but an addict can't afford it. Our eye must remain on the prize, which is: Going outward rather than inward. Period.
Yes, we need Hashem's constant help to do this the right way and for it to lead closer to actually being useful to Him and His people. But as the Mesillas Yeshorim writes, there are some midos that lend themselves to knocking down a bazillion bad middos all in one fell swoop. For an addict, this is one of the big ones that do that. The particulars are less important than most think. Besides, He can help just fine if you ask for it, and He will. (Uh, oh, that's praying for yourself! Well, for this we can make exceptions ;-)
Try it. Don't think about it. And don't talk about it much, c"v, either. Thinking differently - even really hard - will not generally get us to be any different on the inside. We live in "Olam Ha'asiyah - the World of Deeds". Doing changes us, and it even changes the way we think and are on the inside. That is why Hashem gave us so many mitzvos to do (as the RaMBa"M writes).
After we do this for a while, our lives become wildly interesting and less predictable, too! (It is actually rather boring to think about myself all the time, you know!) We can also get sober and stay sober more easily this way.
Love! ...and that's an order.
Dov
Tomorrow we will Iy"h bring Uri's response, as well as a beautiful elaboration and further clarification on these fundamental YESODOS from Dov.
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Testimonial of the Day
By "BruceWayne"
Last night, I just lay there in the dark thinking, and all of a sudden I became terrified. The fear was from the thought - the mental image of me going back to the way it was before I found GuardYourEyes. Perhaps it was an attack by the Yetzer Hara to entice me to sneak over to my computer (even though I have a filter). If so, I turned it around and instead of listening or even thinking about it, I literally shed tears at the thought and repeated to myself over and over, "I don't want to go back, I don't want to go back....", pretty much till I fell asleep. (Don't know where that came from. I mean, if somebody saw me they'd probably want to put me in an institution or something).
A Big Mazal Tov to "Efshar Letaken" (aka "E.L")
on reaching 90 Days!
He is now on the "Wall of Hashem's Honor"!E.L reached this milestone yesterday on the 20th of Av, which is spelled Ke'Av. The word "Ke'Av" has a double meaning In Lashon Hakodesh. It can mean "pain" and it can also mean "like a father". E.L. has taken the "pain" of his past - the pain of the addiction, and used it as a spring board to developing a true "Father/Son" relationship with his Father in Heaven! (After all, isn't that what "Efshar Litaken" is all about?)
The only place in Tanach where the word "ke'Av" appears, is in Iyov 31:18, in the very chapter that starts with the words: "I have made a treaty with my eyes"... The Pesukim there discuss how a person is a "Chelek Eloka Mi'ma'al" and speak about how we should not follow after our eyes and hearts, not after women and not after promiscuity... And then Pasuk 18 says:
"From my youth (Hashem) has raised me ke'Av - as a father"....
Coincidence?
I think NOT :-)
I want to quote a few excerpts from Efshar Litaken's first inspiring post on our forum over here, where he described his situation and how he found our website:
I'm new here, just a few days old on this site & in my new life. I too thought that I was from the few & numbered Yidden out there that are struggling in this area. (I'm not talking about people that don't care or are totally off, unfortunately there are too many. I mean Yiden that are Erlich in all other fields of Yidishkeit)
I begged & cried to Hashem so many times in the last few years to help me find my way out of it, but it was short lived progress.
I even spoke (hinted) to my Rav that I'm struggling with my eyes & all I got was to Pray "V'Taher Libeini". He is a Holy Yid, but his Gadlus is stuck in the 1800's.
So I Thank Hashem for making me stumble upon this website while checking out the news on Israel on the Jpost.
I Hope & feel that with all the Helpful tips & Amazing Yiden Mevakshei Hashem "B'Emes" (for this is anonymous, so we are doing this Koloi L'Shmo just because we want to be close to you Hashem) that I will finally get over this Klipeh that the world has never seen before.
Like my Rav Says, the Satan know that his end is near, so he is fighting with all his tools & weapons. We just have to "Hold On A Little Bit Longer" & the fight will be Won.
Chazal Say "Tzorois Ramim, Chotzi Nechomo!" It's a lot easier to deal with this knowing that others unfortunately have the same problems & are successfully dealing with it.
Yidden! Hashem looks at this website & is Shtultz Proud with us. He calls out "Mi K'Amcho Yisroel!" look at my chosen nation, they have not Sold Out! there is no other nation like us, Period!
Ashrecha Yisroel
Hashem Is Proud Of Us
We Will Never Give Up~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Here is a special song in honor of Efshar Litaken's milestone!
(Right click and press "Save Target/Link as")
"If you believe you can destroy, believe you can fix!" ... Rebbe Nachman.
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Here is a poem that Efshar Litaken wrote in honor of this day:90 Days, 90 Days,
What can I say, for Hashem I'm full of Praise.
I thank Hashem for the depth of my Heart,
He was there for me from the Start.
My story is just another of the Same,
I just had enough of the Yetser Hora's Game.
Fighting & Falling for so many Years,
My eyes were already, dry from Tears.
Finally one day my prayers Hashem did Hear,
And I finally found GYE to help me, myself to Repair.
From Reb Guard & his Hand Books & all the Others,
Over here at GYE we are all like Sisters & Brothers.
I thank Hashem, for sending me this Way,
And getting me out of the Y"H's Prey.
No! It wasn't easy, I have to Admit,
But I don't miss my old life, not a Bit.
It is very rewarding, as all of you Know,
And those who don't yet, time will Show.
If we keep on fighting & never let Go,
We will give the Y"H blow after Blow.
Eventually he will have to confess,
That with GYE members, he cannot Mess.
He doesn't care much about the Sin,
What he wants is for us to Give Up, so that he can Win.
So the message the Y"H is loud & Clear,
Get lost once & forever, from you we do not Fear.
Yes you might be stronger than us, Flesh & Blood we Are,
But we "Let Go & Let G-D" & He's stronger than you by Far.
The fight is never over; we will fight till the End,
We will get even with you, when Hashem, Moshiach will very soon send.
So for those Yidden that GYE haven't found Yet,
We have to ask Hashem why we haven't Met.
So many Yidden with Shmutz are Addicted,
They need us to help them get Evicted.
They need us to help them find GuardYourEyes,
So that the Y"H they too will Despise.
If we want to greet Moshiach with our heads held High,
Let's put in the extra effort and tell the Y"H GOOD BYE!
So I ask everyone to help in every Way,
For this is the last battle, before Hashem does Say.
My Holy Children The Time Has Come!
With Klal Yisroel Once Again, I Will Be One.
Thank You My Holy Brothers & Sisters
The Fight Goes On
Yes! Efshar Letaken
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Our "Focus-Outward" Muscles
(Part 2)
For the past few days we've been bringing important ideas and posts from Dov on the REAL secret to breaking free of this addiction. It seems that the over-all goal of the 12-Steps - and what makes it so successful to millions of people, is that the steps teach us how to "focus outward" instead of living a self-centered / "ME ME" existence. In yesterday's e-mail, we discussed various strategies and exercises that we can do to strengthen our "outward-focus" muscles. Before we continue with this idea today, I just want to repeat one paragraph from yesterday's e-mail again, because it is such a big Yesod:
As the Mesillas Yeshorim writes, there are some midos that lend themselves to knocking down a bazillion bad middos all in one fell swoop. For an addict, "outward focus" is one of the big ones that do that. Try it. Don't think about it. And don't talk about it much, c"v, either. Thinking differently - even really hard - will not generally get us to be any different on the inside. We live in "Olam Ha'asiyah - the World of Deeds". Doing changes us, and it even changes the way we think and are on the inside. That is why Hashem gave us so many mitzvos to do (as the RaMBa"M writes).~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Uri Responds to Dov on the forum:
Wow, thank you so much Dov. I'm honored to have you post on my thread. The advice you give is gold. I've tried this before, "growing outward", but it proved too difficult at the time. I was feeling very depressed and had no strength for others. Now I'm gonna try to make it my top priority again iy'h. Yasher Koyach.
-uri~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dov Responds to Uri:
Dear Uri - About going outward:
We obviously can't do it alone, and we often can't do it very comfortably either. So we need extra help from Hashem with this. We also can't succeed at this if we are doing it with "an expectation" of getting something in return.
You write that you have tried it before and mentioned the challenges you had then. Thanks. Here's a big yesod (for me) in recovery that may help you with this too:
We start doing things for others simply - and mainly - because we have faith that we need to, in order to stay sober. We do it because we believe it is the only way to get us to be unselfish - and hence, "mentally OK" people. In a sort of paradoxical way, it's selfish! And that's great! Because it makes it much more palatable to us (at least subconsciously) in the beginning weeks, months or years (whatever!). It really works that way. Weird? Nu, so what's so bad about a little more weirdness? (That's also a big yesod for me, BTW...)
So "am I doing the favor for my mother in order to help her out / to be "nice" / or because it's Kibud Av vo'Eim?" Not necessarily, in the beginning. I may be doing it because it is the only way for me to recover and to stay sober. But that's Ok. I can think of no better "mitoch shelo lishma bah lishma" than this, actually.
Again though, no matter how you slice it, we always need Hashem's help to do it right.
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And here's another amazing post from Dov (to someone else) on this topic:
We generally do things for our own sake. When Chazal tell us that Hashem wants us to serve Him Lishma (for His sake), it means that Hashem wants us to start getting used to moving toward doing things for the sake of others first, and then move on toward doing for Him.
He gives us parents to learn what it means to be dependent on someone else and to be responsible; he gives us friends to learn what it means to be connected and faithful; a spouse to learn what it means to be devoted and in love; children to learn what it means to give up stuff and help someone grow into life, while our own lives fade into the background. And He asks us to make for ourselves a Rav (Aseh Lecha Rav) whom we will obey without question and learn self-nullification.
Maybe then we'll be ready to finally be more dependent, responsible, connected, faithful, devoted, in love, obedient, humble and sacrificing to Him, Yisborach.
This never "occurs", it's a process called "the life of a yid". Yep, His system is genius, nothing short of it.
But how the heck is an addict, or a person who is compulsively looking at "whatever", supposed to be part of this process? Getting free from addiction is the only way for an addict to participate in this genius plan, and - miracle of miracles - it is actually simple, because the recovery itself forms and guides the whole journey!~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
One last post from Dov on this important idea of "focusing outward":
The way to do it is certainly: slowly and in very little steps. You will still feel selfish along the way, because we compare our behavior with our goal. Nu, that's a mistake, but we do need to keep the goal in mind all along the way somehow, so what do we expect? We are not geniuses and get confused sometimes. The main thing for progress is to hang onto faith that these little tiny (still mostly selfish) steps will, in fact, lead us straight to that goal.
As they always say in the 12-Step groups: "Easy, does it".
Love,
Dov
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Song of the Day
Uri - the new "GuardYourEyes Musician" - strikes again!
A Story
By Uri in Jerusalem
CLICK HERE to download it
(right click and press "Save Target/Link as")
CLICK HERE to read the beautiful and inspiring lyrics!
A Few Odds & Ends:1) I got a few e-mails asking why today's Chizuk e-mail was late. It's nice to know some people really care! :-) I apologize for the delay, but just before I sent today's e-mail my internet provider's servers fell for about four hours. But here's a bonus: Between Mincha and Ma'ariv I "happened" to see a Gemara that I added to the Chizuk e-mail (below). It's a great lesson, so maybe that's why Hashem didn't want me to send the e-mail earlier... who knows?
2) A new Sexual Addiction Center has opened in Israel, as well as a new website in Hebrew that deals with all addictions, particularly SA and SLAA. It is called hugme.co.il. The center and website are run by R' Shraga Shlachter, the author of the book "The First Day of the Rest of My Life" (download translations from the excellent Hebrew book over here). If you know anyone in Israel that struggles in these areas and speaks only Hebrew, please refer them to the new website and/or to R' Shraga (a personal friend and a wonderful addiction therapist).3) I would like to call everyone's attention to the post called "MI LASHEM EILAY!!!" by "Mevakesh" over here.
4) I changed the title of the daily e-mails to reflect our new website. Instead of the subject containing "The GuardUrEyes Chizuk List" from GuardUrEyes.com, it now contains "The GuardYourEyes Chizuk List" from GuardYourEyes.org. I am pointing this out because if you created a "rule" in your e-mail program that automatically sends the daily chizuk e-mails into a specific folder based on the subject text or the "sender", you will probably have to reset that rule. (If you haven't made such a rule yet, it may be helpful to do so now. I once saw instructions on how to do this on a Daily Halacha e-mail website Halachos.com, at the bottom of the page).
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~The Powerlessness of an Addict
Someone posted on the forum an excerpt from an article at livescience.com which he says reminds him a lot of the idea that an addict is "powerless" over lust. Here's the excerpt:
If you think you're generally good at resisting temptation, you're probably wrong, scientists now say.
"People are not good at anticipating the power of their urges, and those who are the most confident about their self-control are the most likely to give into temptation," said Loran Nordgren, senior lecturer of management and organizations at the Kellogg School of Management, Northwestern University, in Illinois.
The result: Many of us unwittingly expose ourselves to tempting situations, leading to a greater likelihood of indulging in addictive behaviors.
The bottom line, Nordgren says: Avoid situations where such weaknesses thrive, and remember you're not that invincible.
Dov responds - and describes his own perception of powerlessness:
Yes, but I'd like to add that in the case of addicts - at least in my case, I can sit for a hour learning Sha'arei RMCH"L, Gemorah or Bnei Yisoschar (after asking my Best Eternal Friend to help me learn right, so I can get better and do His Will), daven a happy and tearful Mincha, and still end up acting out worse than I ever did before, ruining my wonderful life - all within an hour or less - if I choose to take a longer look (than Hashem arranged for me to see) at an inappropriate image/person I pass by. This doesn't have to happen - but it can. As the Ramban says in parshas Kedoshim; the change that overtakes a person from lust is shockingly powerful. (And he may not even be talking about addicts... Ouch).
I also totally reject the idea that the very change in my priorities and perspective that happens as a result of looking, proves that I wasn't really sincere in the first place. I believe that many addicts do sincerely desire to stop, but simply do not know how.
I also reject the idea that my insincerity is proven by the very fact that I took that extra look. Some may disagree, but addicts are really very perplexing, so I can't blame any of them for it.
As an addict, I have no defense whatsoever for even the very first "drink". I wish no reward at all for any victory over lust, as I give the entire credit to Hashem. Woe to me when I start to take credit for "beating the Yetzer Hara". I speak only for myself here, friends. But I have discovered that I actually - really - need Hashem's help for it.
And I do not need "encouragement" to stay sober any more than I need encouragement to breathe or to eat. (Nu, I'll still take some chizuk once in a while!).
I ask for His help each day for staying sober that day only, and he gives it to me - so far. I can't work for sobriety tomorrow any more than I can eat or go to the restroom for tomorrow.
So yes, we Yidden are generally advised to avoid nisyonos - as the article above explains, but for me with lust, it's even more than that. I avoid it because I'm an addict, and I know that the change that lust brings over me takes away all my free-will. It's very much like getting stone drunk; you really never know what you'll end up doing. The change I undergo from lust makes me miserable, useless and pathetic, and I do not want to go back there, cuz I'll die there. In spite of all this, I still would end up going back there if I relied on my own will-power, even with my very best thinking!
So thank G-d for sobriety today! He must love us so much!
Now I think I'll sit down and learn...
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Why does Dov keep emphasizing our "powerlessness"?I think that there are two main reasons why the 12-Steps are built on the foundation of the first step: "Powerlessness".
1) Once we know that we are powerless over lust, we finally acknowledge that we can no longer afford to struggle with lust at all - if we are to remain sober and sane. Once we take that "first drink", we are already on a slippery downward slide. We have no choice but to completely let go of it.
2) I just saw a story in the Gemara (Taanis 24a) that made me laugh. The Gemara says that there was a drought and Rav Nachman davened for rain and the rain still didn't come. When Rav Nachman saw that his prayers were not answered he began to bemoan and cry "take Nachman and throw him down off a high wall onto the ground!" (in other words, if Hashem doesn't answer me, I'm obviously not worthy - so remove me from my high status as a Tzadik/Amorah). And the Gemara says that Rav Nachman had "chalishus hada'as" - which means he felt a great disappointment, and right then the rain came! That really struck home a point, because it shows just how much Hashem loves us, yet he waits for our hearts to be truly humbled and broken before Him. Once we know we can't do it; once we acknowledge that we have no credit on our own and we truly feel that we don't deserve anything, THAT IS WHEN Hashem sends the salvation!
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Quote of the Day
By Dov
"To heck with me. What can I do for you?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Song of the Day
My Teffilah
By Uri in Jerusalem
CLICK HERE to download it
(right click and press "Save Target/Link as")
CLICK HERE to read the inspiring words!David Hamelech could never have written many of the beautiful Teffilos in Tehillim if he hadn't been running from so many enemies and struggling with so much suffering throughout his life. As the Zohar says; through the darkness comes the most beautiful light...
Each and every one of us writes our own personal Tehillim as a result of our struggles with the forces of evil and darkness in our journey through this world.Hashem is waiting for YOUR song.
I have been mired in the garbage of my addiction for about 20 years. I have tried to stop tens (maybe hundreds) of times without success. Things started to finally change when I found this site. I do not know what tomorrow will bring, but I do know that today I am experiencing real recovery. I had basically given up on the notion of ever experiencing this. My biggest hope was that I would be lucky enough to die during a clean period and that my cleanliness would be accepted as some level of Teshuva. Now I am beginning to see how I can make very slow progress internally which will eventually lead me towards my goals in life. This does not mean that I will ever be finished recovering, just that I no longer view my addiction as the enemy. If anything, it is a catalyst which helps me focus on improving myself at a very basic level. I can even say today that I needed - and still need - my addiction in order to make changes in my life that should be made anyway.
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Testimonial of the Day
By "Hoping"
The Powerlessness of an Addict(Part 2)
Someone posted on the forum the following:
Rav Pam writes in Atara Lamelach that today we cannot do teshuva by focusing on how bad sin is. That would only hurt us and drag us down more. Rather we should focus on our maiylos and how special we are as the descendants of the Avos and as the bearers of Yiddishkeit, and strive to improve ourselves.Dov replies:
Dear yidden who are on many different paths,Yes, we are special. Sha'arei Kedusha basically opens with this fact and posits that the lack of recognition of how wonderful it is to be a yid and carry such a high, ancient, and beautiful neshoma, is at the root of falling into sin. Yes, it's true.
And yes, thinking of ourselves as "sinners" carries great risks. We carry so much baggage regarding that label. It may mean to us that "it's all over" and become depressed; we may give up and do worse things; we may lose emunah in Hashem's Power, Love for us, and in His Wisdom; and as a result, our chances of growing/fulfilling our potential may become quite poor, etc, etc.
But it seems to me that some people, especially frum yidden, tend to throw the baby out with the bathwater on this one. Here is what I mean:
I am sick. I have a progressive, fatal disease. It is also chronic. It does not have to kill me, as I am in remission because of my medication (the 12-Steps). But I need to take it correctly for it to work. We know of many people who have this disease and successfully live full lives nonetheless. My life has been full since getting my treatment, and as my wife told me just yesterday, life is getting better every year. It'll probably stay that way as long as I don't take the credit, 'cuz taking the credit would mean that I have stopped taking the meds.
You know what I'm talking about. It's sexaholism, lustaholism, call it what you like. Surviving it isn't a "challenge" for me, it's not about being on a "higher madreiga", and it isn't very pretty, really. But it's the truth.
Did Hashem love me fifteen years ago? You'll say "YES!". Was I "special"? You'd say "YES!". And I agree. And by the way, while I was special, I was also teaching a shiur and then leaving right afterwards to the red-light district to act out. While I was "special" I was also hooked on a seven year long telephone relationship with someone I wasn't married to, and while Hashem loved me, I made many secret rendezvous to see people who definitely didn't love me at all, but looked like they did - to me. I was just plain nuts...
And if you asked me to stop, as my neshoma did, I'd have told you (as I told my neshama) "You know, I will tomorrow, I HAVE TO quit!!". It was the same torture that many of you on this site know only too well. I would ask myself, "what am I doing??" I figured that I just really sucked at serving Hashem and was a first-rate "sinner". In actuality, I was truly serving myself in the temple of lust, carefully using the instructions the p**n industry had taught me. To me, this is not just a cute moshol, it's the truth.
Why am I reviewing this?
Because I believe that as long as a person is truly struggling with his Yetzer Hara, he is really lucky! There are s'forim, shmuessin, nigunnim, etc., all there to help him fly right. The overwhelming majority of Yidden in the world fall into this category I believe. They need to employ every aspect of Toras ha'Teshuvah to be saved from lusting and acting out on their lust, to learn how to live lives with progressively less shmutz and to be the holy yidden they are meant to be.
However, once a line is crossed enough times and the "struggle" becomes an addiction, I believe he is actually ill. And there is little evidence that he will get cured. (Some may disagree here, and I respect that 100%). I believe it is then time for what is now revealed to have been a saucy and ecstatic "Teshuva game", to end. That is, unless he enjoys being road-kill.
I do not mean that he ought to then give in to the desire at all. I mean that he needs to bite the bullet and get the help he really needs - in my case it was actually working (not studying) the 12 steps, SA meetings and a sponsor. In any case, it means living life differently, before his disease changes it drastically for him.
If you are with me so far, then you understand why romanticizing the struggle of a guy who is truly an addict by referring to it as an epic struggle with his Yetzer Hara, can perpetuate the pathetic slugfest indefinitely. Promising a shining light at the end of the tunnel for someone who really believes that Lust is his best friend, may actually be cruel. Why? Because he simply will not believe you deep inside (where it counts). Would you in his shoes?
Once the point was reached when I believed I truly had no ability to control myself (though I had no idea why - or how to regain control), then all that the "Yetzer Hara/Teshuva approach" really left me with was guilt.
In most cases, encouragement to fight for K'vod Shomayim and for the beautiful life a yid deserves to have, is indeed the greatest divine service and love for a yid. And reminders of Hashem's love are indispensable in this struggle against the Yetzer Hara. But there are cases, like mine, where a yid sees that he has an illness and admits that "hey, normal people do not do anything like this stuff!". They finally admit that it has taken control of their lives and that it has been getting only worse, never better (Step 1). These people need to be allowed to say that they are truly mentally, physically and spiritually ill.
I do not mean this in any way as an insult to yidden who are addicts. Often at first, a person will interpret their failure at using standard Torah concepts of Teshuva as proof positive that they are inferior, as I did. But that is a total lie. A yid who is an addict is not inferior at all. In fact, addiction often comes with a powerful sensitivity that is valuable, a striving for perfection that needs to be learned how to live with.
I am a loser - when it comes to lust. In my opinion, we simply do not have the power to "win" - and won't - until we are allowed to admit we are ill and learn how to live with that fact. If they are told that (as per the Ramba"m in shmoneh perakim) "don't worry, everyone who does aveiros is in the same boat and needs to learn how to do Teshuvah. Welcome to the club!," I believe these people may not get the medication they need and will end up taking their families down with them. This probably happens frequently. You read about it on "Yeshiva-thingie.org" or whatever it's called...
Furthermore, if after a short period clean these yidden are convinced that they are ready to live as others do and resume the struggle [i.e. to let lust in a "little" - and fight it] because they are better; (after all, as the Ramba"m says, I've been in the same situation as before and not sinned, so that means I did teshuvah sheleimah and I'll never go back", right?), these guys fall hard - and keep falling hard - until they realize they are really sick, not bad.
For decades I thought I was fine in the head, and it was only my body that was screwed up! No, my head was - and is - screwed up (but getting better, thank G-d!).
Just one more thing: The goal of the path I am referring to (the Steps) is definitely 100% only about closeness to Hashem and learning to live with a clear recognition that Hashem is with us always. And it leads to freedom from the aveiros, with Hashem's help. It leads to discovery of our gifts; and the fact that they came to us through aveiros makes them even more precious. It was the last place we thought we'd have thought to look for Hashem!! But He was there.
Love,
Dov
PS. Anyone who read this whole megillah must be a tzaddik, of some sort.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Dear Yidden! If you read Dov's post above, it is clear that the approach for "addicts" can not be the same as the standard approach for regular Yidden. We are ill and need to take the medicine. And the medicine that has been proven to work for millions of people around the world is the 12-Steps. Dov talks about "biting the bullet and getting the help we need". But GuardYourEyes has made "biting the bullet" a lot easier for frum addicts than it ever has been before! Instead of joining live 12-Step groups, mixing with other genders and other religions, being worried about anonymity issues, etc.. you can now join 12-Step groups with other frum yidden from the comfort of your home, with full anonymity - BY PHONE! Please see this page for information on how to join Duvid Chaim or Boruch's 12-Step phone conference groups.
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Let me share with you a letter that Duvid Chaim just sent out to his group. From this letter you can get a taste of what the groups are like. (And BTW, it's never to late to join!)
Dear Chevra,
Do you know the feeling of what it's like when you're on a long road trip and you pass the halfway mark? And you know that what might have begun as a strenuous journey, you now see as a journey with the destination on the horizon. Well that's how I feel right now!
After going through 6 weeks and carefully reading up to page 57 in the Big Book, I am truly inspired by your growth and commitment to finding recovery from the addiction. I am also very flattered to hear the comments from the Group for what you've "learned" from me. But the truth is that I believe that I have learned more from you.
I have come to appreciate how each and every one of you is like a diamond - each with it's own unique beauty and multi-faceted. I am blessed in every call to get to know you in some new way.
Now that we are in Chapter 5 - "How It Works" - we are changing gears. While in previous chapters, we focused on the lust addiction and how we are completely powerless over it, now we are going to be spending less time talking about the lust and much more time talking about the underlying causes of our addictions. Up to now, we have been focusing on - and dwelling on - Step One, you will see that now we are going to relatively quickly be learning about and practicing the remaining 11 Steps.
So please remember to practice the "A-B-Ds" of the Program - Admit - Believe - Decide. (Steps 1, 2 & 3). Yet, as we discussed today, the Action Steps begin NOW with Step 4; "Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves."
Please download the following Worksheet. This Worksheet will be the 12 Step Program TOOL that you will use to peel away the layers of lust and see what fuels the lust - your Restlessness, Irritability and Discontent (R-I-D). This Powerful Tool will allow you to have your first real taste of the freedom that awaits you in recovery. To really enjoy this taste of freedom, just like anything else that you taste, you have to dig into it and really savor it.
And the choice is yours now!! Do you want this taste of freedom to taste like a fast food - microwavable product - something that you grab at a Burger Barn and chow down in your van on your way to your next appointment? (When you're done, all that's left is greasy heartburn). OR do you want this taste of freedom to taste like your wife's chicken soup - a delicacy that has been slow cooked, well seasoned and delicious on the holiest day of the week?
The choice is yours - what you get out of it, will depend entirely on what you put into it!!
About the work-sheet, please note that you should hit "print preview" or print out the sheet to work on it. There are some columns and headings that can only be seen this way. We will discuss in today's call (Thursday) more about how to fill out this Sheet.
Please keep your entries on this Sheet in your computer so you can email it back to me upon its completion. At that point, we will schedule a private 2 hour call to discuss it.
I promise you that you will be a different person when you are done. Like the Book says on page 63, you will be reborn.
If you have any questions, please feel free to bring these up in the Call or email me back.
Once again, thank you for letting me join you in this Journey.
Warmest regards,
Duvid Chaim
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Song of the Day
The Fall
By Uri in Jerusalem
CLICK HERE to download it
(right click and press "Save Target/Link as")
CLICK HERE to read the inspiring words!~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Testimonial of the Day
By "Kanesher"B'Erev Yalin Bechi, vla'Baboker rina!
I posted last night on this forum for the first time about my struggles. I went to sleep feeling silly for posting. But this morning I woke up and there you all are. So many sincere and heartfelt responses!
You know, the underlying essence of the internet is that it's the human voice. People used to perhaps be promiscuous in the depths of their hearts, but they could never act on it because of social norms. Well, the internet has broken down those norms and lets everyone speak freely and anonymously.
And that is the horror - in my "room of rooms" when there no moreh shamayim k'moreh bney adam - well, the human voice isn't so very pleasant to hear, is it?
And I recently saw another website that seemed geared to the frum community and I was horrified; the prustkite seemed to be totally without shame ...and I asked myself - is that all we are? Is everyone a faker - just like myself - and not even ashamed of it?
But here on GYE is another voice. The voice of all of you. Here, free from posturing and kavod - how genuine you all are! Here, where no can see, where none will gain shidduch points or honor...
Thank you, for making me believe in an ideal again.
The Powerlessness of an Addict
(Part 3)
In yesterday's e-mail (#555 on this page) we quoted Dov who described how the approach for "addicts" can not be the same as the standard approach for regular Yidden. Addicts are ill and need to take the medicine. And the medicine that has been proven to work for millions of people around the world is the 12-Steps.
In response to Dov's post, "Battleworn" presented a few good questions to Dov. He asks as follows:
1) There are many different definitions for the word addict. Some people feel that anyone who acts against their better judgement is an addict. But you probably mean someone who is really far gone. If you feel that an addict needs a certain approach - and that the standard approach may actually be damaging for him - and you feel that it's important to inform people of this, then perhaps you should clarify who exactly is an addict, in your opinion?
2) When you - Dov - were in the midst of the addiction, I doubt you found anyone who was able to give you the kind of Torah approach that GYE does. For example, while I don't know if I am considered an addict by your definition; I assume that so many other Tzadikim on the forum such as "Mevakesh", Ykv_Schwartz, "Me", Bardichev, Jack, MD, Nurah and many others, are considered addicts (and if not, then almost no one on the forum is). And they seem to have all done very well with the help of this wonderful website and forum, without considering themselves "losers against lust", as you described yesterday.
(For those who don't have time to read Dov's whole reply below, you might want to skip down to my summary below)
Dov replies:
I agree with you that the 12-Steps are not for everyone. I am really uncomfortable with the notion that the 12 steps are for anyone who acts against their better judgement. I believe that the last thing the 12 steps is, is just another "self-help program" or "support group". In my experience, it seems to be more like an ego-busting program, if anything; and a "getting-myself-out-of-Hashem's-way" program, too.
The way I see it, there are two categories of people. There are those who are sick and tired of giving in to lust, but they still believe that they just need the right chizuk to break free; and then there are those who have really given up all hope of "beating" it. I just wonder why a person who is only "sick and tired" would feel the need to seriously start putting his life and care completely into the hands of Hashem (after all, steps 2 & 3 only work if they are real), or accepting that their character defects are really the only reason they are ever upset at anybody (otherwise, what is step #4 really for?), etc..
So you ask "who exactly is an addict?" I do not really know, but my heart tells me that anyone who has struggled with lust for years and feels they have lost, and nevertheless wants to get free of it (without suicide), can use the 12 steps. Does it mean they'll succeed? I don't know. But many do.
Can they use what people refer to as "Torah", and make it? Well, I am again skeptical. And for the same exact reason that I think some folks who do use the 12 steps don't make it: They are not really ready to be completely honest with themselves. They entertain ideals, and mistake those ideals for what they believe. For example:
- They really still believe they need lust/alcohol/cocaine/gambling...
- Or, they don't really allow themselves to believe in G-d deep down.
- Or, they aren't desperate enough in their own failure to care for themselves enough to give G-d a chance to care for them.
Is it dangerous for such people to try yiddishkeit approaches? No, but just as "spouting program concepts" (pontificating) will do them no good at a 12-Step meeting, talking Torah ideals they do not really have the capacity to accept, is just a game. Torah should not be a game. And neither - lehavdil - should recovery concepts. That makes the ideas "weaker" for the person, and much harder to use. They think about most of the 12-Steps, "well, I know that already!" but they haven't even done the first few steps yet, i.e. they don't even know that they are sick (step 1) or that their faith in Hashem has simply - and actually - not been one that works at all, yet (steps 2 & 3).
You asked if my recovery would have been different if I had had access to the GYE Torah concepts of recovery... Funny thing is, I actually did think that I had access to these concepts back then. In other words, I knew all these concepts in my mind, but here's the thing; it is not the Torah (nor - lehavdil - the 12 Step program) that changes an addict, but rather how the addict understands and uses it. I don't believe a human has the ability to get these ideas truly into someone else's head. An addict is just plain deaf, until he/she is ready to hear. All we can do is keep yacking away until someone who is ready to "hear" really listens! That's just my opinion.
You pointed out "all those Tzadikim on the forum who have done very well with the help of this wonderful website and forum, without considering themselves "losers against lust"...
I believe their success is purely because they were ready to hear. The question I have for you is: How do you define the "GYE Torah concepts"? Something an early addict in recovery has heard before and learned to mentally connect with tons and tons of guilt? (like "Hashem wants better from you", or "it's all sheker vechozov - the Yetzer Hara has nothing for you"). Even though these ideas are all 100% true, the addict may tell the guy: "hey, you're saying the same thing that my 12th grade rebbi told me! Why bother?"
In the 12-Step groups, they generally focus on telling their own story to the addicts who come to them. When the prospects see that this guy really understands, they open up. Only then, does the 12-stepper share his solution. This kind of sharing is hard to do with Torah concepts, no? We end up sometimes putting the cart before the horse, giving advice and "telling", rather than sharing. But Torah is the truth, period. And ultimate Truth just doesn't lend itself to "sharing", does it?
I believe it is possible to achieve sharing with Torah ideas too, but doing it that way would look very different from the way it is usually taught. And the truth is, it should probably stay the way it is now, because Torah is a responsibility, not only a tool. In the 12-Steps however, they try to offer these concepts primarily as tools, and that is rather new, I think.
I don't think we really disagree at all. I (and we all?) just have some problems that need attention, that's all.
Love,
Dov
Let me see if I can summarize some of the points (I hope I understood correctly) from Dov's reply:
1) The 12-Steps are for those who have struggled with lust for years and feel that they have lost, yet they are nevertheless desperate to get free of it (without suicide).
2) Such a person is truly ready for the brutal honesty and "ego-busting" that the 12-Steps are composed of. And only such a person is truly ready to put his life and care completely in Hashem's hands and finally get out of Hashem's way (to help him), and also to make a fearless moral inventory of his character defects.
3) The Torah concepts discussed on GYE can only really work when a person is truly ready to hear. Until then, an addict is just plain deaf. Because it is not the Torah knowledge (nor - lehavdil - the 12 Step program) that changes the addict, but rather how the addict understands and uses them.
4) One of the things about the 12-Step groups that make the program work so well for addicts is the sharing of personal experience by those who live with the program. This is harder to achieve in a Torah venue, since Torah is "absolute truth" - not experience, and also because the Torah is mainly a "responsibility" and not just a "tool".
I just want to point out, that perhaps if we would learn to use the Torah and Mitzvos as the Zohar calls them "613 eitzos", and as the Ba'al Hasulam explains - that the Mitzvos are all eitzos on how to put the ego aside and do "for" Hashem (he calls this "Hashpa'ah") so that we can be like Hashem ("ma hu rachum, af ata rachum"), then we would be able to achieve true d'veikus through Torah and Mitzvos, and hence true freedom from the addiction as well!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Quote of the Day
By Dov (who else? :-)Someone posted that they didn't believe they could make it to 90 days clean. Dov responds:
I know I can't do 90 days!!! I'm not kidding. Nevertheless, it has been 11.5 years of knowing that so far, and still sober. I am not strong, and charts do nothing for me either, but a chevra does, and so do the 12-steps. Life is getting better every year on His schedule, not mine and not yours.
None of us can carry the weight of his own sobriety on his own shoulders. None of us. So, there!
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Link of the dayClick here
for a poem written by "Bardichev" for Uri, who was being greatly tested yesterday. We'll hear more about Uri's victory in the coming e-mail, be"h.
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Testimonial of the Day
"Will" posts on the forum for the first time:Well, it's about time! I've been perusing these forums for a while, and really benefiting from them as well- but I kept pushing off registration... Now that I've taken the jump, I'm kicking myself for not doing it sooner! Just reading through the posts and logs here have very much inspired me - especially Bardichev's posts, Hoping's posts, Efshar Letaken's posts, Momo's posts, TrYiNg's posts, and of course the Heiligeh Guard's posts. The chizuk and empathy that is exchanged in this community is extraordinary, and I am very excited to become a part of it.
The Shmiras Einayim issue was rampant in my life, and it led to acting out as well. It was only when I read the 'Guard Your Eyes Attitude' handbook that I realized I was fighting the Yetzer Hara with the wrong weaponry, and since changing up my game plan the struggle has become much easier.... but it's still very hard.
And so, with marriage inevitable, I've decided to follow a piece of advice that I saw on this forum not long ago ...in my own words: "If you're not gonna commit to putting ALL your Kochos into getting over this lust addiction, you ain't got NO business getting married". Too true. (See the last chizuk e-mail on this page, #550 ).
So Be"h I WILL get over this lust addiction. I WILL keep my neshama safe. I WILL make my Creator happy. And I WILL be the husband that any Jewish lady deserves.
And with that... I'm Will. Pleased to meet you. :-)~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Efshar Lesaken warmly welcomes "Will" and writes:
Now is a perfect time for anyone to join the GYE forum, so that we can go into Elul happy and knowing that this year we will be doing real tshuva that we know we will stand by. Unlike every year, that we keep on promising Hashem that we will better our ways, only to fall right back to square one.
No wonder we always got pressured when Elul came around, we didn't want to face Elul because we knew that we put in all this effort and........ Yeah! But this year, I go into Elul with a smile on my face, totally relaxed and happy that Hashem gives me the opportunity to do Teshuva & I finally have real hope that it will last.So I say to you, Reb Will, and everyone else out there that has not joined yet:
Now Is The Time!
This year we will go to Rosh Hashana & Yom Kipur knowing that:
"Yes We Can!"
Uri's VictoryWe've all been enjoying a member called "Uri" on the forum lately. His struggle is so real, his wisdom is beyond his years, and his songs have touched a lot of our hearts! Uri is a 20 year old Ba'al Teshuva suffering from this addiction, and having a very difficult time letting go of some of his past "friends". This past Thursday night, one of these "friends" called him up and said that her parents were out of the country and she asked if Uri would "come over"... Uri posted an SOS on the forum asking for help, and asked why it seemed sometimes that Yiddishkeit was a "sexually frustrating religion"... He was almost certain that he wouldn't be able to resist this "opportunity". Uri got tons of responses and Chizuk on the forum, but then he disappeared for a few hours (from posting) and everyone feared the worst. But lo and behold, he returned later and posted that he had been at the park, playing some guitar. He had left his cell-phone at home to make sure his "friend" couldn't reach him there. Later, he sent me a recording of his little trip. Download the recording here.
What power of the spirit, what a holy soul! When any of us feel tested, let us remember this recording and Uri's amazing victory!Uri, Uri, Shir Da'Beiri!
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I would like to bring Dov's response, after Uri posted the SOS:
Reb Uri -
I know what you mean when you say yiddishkeit is sexually frustrating. Let's just look at some facts on the ground though:
I don't know about you, but:
When I'm serving Lust, no amount of sex is enough.
When I'm serving lust, no one is pretty enough - once anyone prettier walks by!
When I'm serving Lust, there is no real room for anyone else, only for my needs.
When I'm serving Lust, I make poor choices that reduce my options in life to either "stupid", "bad", or "whatever".
When I'm serving Lust, I become more needy, rather than more independent.
When I'm serving Lust, I am ALWAYS HUNGRY. And I mean always.
So Lusting, not lack of sex, makes me frustrated.
Have you ever found satisfaction in acting out? I thought I did. But after a while, I discovered that it just imitates satisfaction by quieting the very pain of the neediness, in and of itself!
"Ahh, what a relief!... Not." That was actually quite a rip-off.
That has been my experience, monsieur. How about you?
Yiddishkeit obviously says "whoaa!", which is frustrating, especially to anyone who really feels entitled to X, to Y, and/or to Z. But in saying "wait!", it gives us a chance at using the framework that even my Roman Catholic sponsor in SA marvels at: A program for creating and maintaining sexual satisfaction in marriage. Look around you (or better yet, don't - ha,ha - sorry): would there be such $ucce$$ in the "sex-sells" industry if most folks were satisfied?
We yidden inherited a plan to help couples (if they want to use it for that) grow progressively and unexpectedly closer, by taking an inescapable monthly bodily process and turning it into an exercise that's cyclical, like everything else in life. It works if you work it. And our program to help not-yet-couple-people is: "The less you feed it, the less you need it". Don't feed it dumb dumb, the desire will just grow!
So, we all know we have desires, we are human, no? None of us are perfect, not even saints, they say... But we also all know what religion is really sexually frustrating. It's the religion of Lust, not yiddishkeit.
To another person hungry for the peace of Hashem's Love,
Dov~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
12-Step topic of the Day
In Chizuk e-mail #555 we brought a letter from Duvid Chaim discussing how his phone group is currently holding by the 4th step. Here is a summary of the subsequent call - by "Moti" ("Momo" is on vacation). There's a lot we can all learn from this summary, even if we are not part of this unique phone group. (To join the group tomorrow, see info on this page).
Opening Of The Call
� The power of the fellowship of program was discussed; 2 participants had gotten tremendous value from a private call they had yesterday.
� Until now, the focus was Steps 1, 2, 3 the A-B-Ds" of the Program - Admit - Believe - Decide. We now moved on to Step 4 (Chapter 5 of the "Big Book") which begins the hard practical work part of the program; taking on the underlying causes of the addiction. A parable is used of a "red onion", where the lust is merely the outer layer of the onion. From step 4 and on we learn to address the underlying layers that fuel the lust, which are mainly R.I.D (Restlessness, Irritability and Discontent).
Step 4 - What Is It
� Personal Housecleaning - "To make a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves".
� A parable was given of doing a business inventory. It is common sense in business to take inventory, and if we have bad goods on the shelf then we remove them. In same vein, we need to search for own flaws (inner layers of the onion). Honesty is the key.
� The main source of our flaws is resentment.
Resentment - What Is It
� Duvid Chaim explained this very clearly and succinctly. Resentment comes when we are not treated as we expect to be treated.
� Our level of resentment is in direct correlation to our level of expectation from the other person. This is why our resentment is greatest with those who we are closest to, and who we love (wife, children etc.). You do not resent strangers because you have low expectations of them.
� Resentment is a major cause of spiritual disconnection. When we try to be in control and play Hashem (trying to be the controller in the control tower) and others don't do what we expect of them, then we experience resentment. Like we've discussed before in the group: "We need to fire ourselves from being our own bosses and make HaShem our boss".
Homework
� Duvid Chaim distributed a "Review Of Resentments" worksheet for us to fill out, in which we itemize who we are resentful at, the cause, and its affect on us.
� When doing this moral inventory, the key is to stop using logic (which is the highly developed mode of thinking in the Yeshiva world) and instead get in touch with our feelings. Dealing with these feelings properly helps to evaporate the lust.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Tips of the Day
Dealing with inappropriate thoughts
"Nura" writes:
What I do when one something inappropriate pops into my mind uninvited is say "rachmana nigar bei b'soton - may the Merciful One battle the Yetzer Hara". This very powerful segula was given by the Yetzer Hara himself to one of the sages of the Gemorah. It always works, guaranteed!
"Will" writes:
My father once told me that if an inappropriate thought comes to mind during tefillah, a person should press his big toe against the ground... it really works!
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Testimonial of the Day
"Ezra" posted a few weeks ago on the forum:I am in my 30's, have 5 kids have been married about ten years. I have had this "struggle" for about 13 years. I got involved in online porn when I was in college. I started with small things that eventually led to watching things I never imagined I would look at. I couldn't stop and didn't want to. I thought marriage would help, but it didn't. I never really gave it a great effort to stop until now. I also learn daily and feel that I have a great marriage. My wife actually caught me twice, but being that I have developed a real provenience at hiding, I was able to talk my way out of it and make sure it doesn't happen again. The real kicker was last year. I was bored and stupid at work and went to inappropriate sites and ALMOST got busted. I decided then and there that I had enough. If I had gotten fired for that, my career would have been totally messed up and who knows what would have happened to my marriage. I was also having difficulty doing my work, which I attribute to difficulties associated with this problem.
So there you have it. I was looking for help, found the GYE website, signed up, put on the k-9 filter and have been "clean" ever since (38 days today). Not saying I don't have the desire, but I haven't gone back there again.Ezra posted again this past Friday:
I humbly write this next post as I am enjoying my accomplishment of hitting day 60 yesterday. I went to the mikvah earlier today (erev shabbos) and truly feel pure and holy.
My sense of appreciation to the GYE staff and those that have supported me cannot be expressed enough. Over the last couple of days I have been reading the stories section of both men and their wives. The story of the man that got busted talking to minors blew me away. Who knows where my own internet problem could have taken me? I never got involved outside of the web and certainly not with minors, but I never imagined I would do some of the stuff online that I did. (I write this with tears in my eyes). I have been tearing up a lot today thinking about this issue.
You GYE people truly saved me. I have a beautiful marriage and children and Hashem gives me so much, I could have lost it all (no one thinks they will ever get caught). That scares the heck out of me, and truly motivates me to remain strong. Thank g-d I never hit bottom that way, but I think you have all provided me the ability to "hit bottom while still on top". I am at day 60!! And feeling great. I did the math, that is over 80 hours of my life that I would have wasted (in many ways- hamevin yavin). THANK YOU!! THANK YOU!!!
For those like myself who continue to struggle. Here are the three things I can point to that have kept me strong:
1. Thinking about the above i.e. all that I can lose - marriage, parnasah, my children, oy vey - is it worth it?!!!
2. Thinking about how I feel afterwards.
3. The filters I have installed (even though I know how to get around them - they are still an additional step).
4. Having my name on the chart and knowing that I would have to start on day one again. I encourage everyone to sign up for the chart, it is really helpful. It has stopped me multiple times; I didn't want to have to publicly admit failure and to start over myself.
Thanks again everyone, I am truly crying tears of joy and appreciation today. I feel great and overwhelmed with joy.
THANK YOU!
"Kedusha" Lecha YishaleishuWe would like to wish a big Mazal Tov to a great warrior on our forum who goes by the name "Kedusha" upon reaching 90 days clean and getting on to the "Wall of Hashem's Honor". He wrote on the forum yesterday:
With endless gratitude to the Ribono Shel Olam and to the GYE Chevra, I have reached the 90-day milestone, with 4 days to spare before Rosh Chodesh Elul. I look forward, b'Ezras Hashem, to building upon this accomplishment, one day at a time.
Kedusha joined us right before Shavu'os, and he mentioned in his first post that a Sefer Torah had fallen in his community recently. Every Jew is like a Sefer Torah, with a Neshama carved from under the Kisei Hakavod. When we fall into these things and fill our eyes, hearts and minds with garbage, it is worse than taking a holy sefer Torah and throwing it on to the floor R"L! We are all KEDUSHA - holy. Let us learn from KEDUSHA, pick ourselves up and dust ourselves off - as he did, so that Hashem can hold us once again on his lap and give us a reverent kiss.
"Kedusha" is not one to just pick himself up alone. Once he found our network, he wanted to help spread the word to others who may have fallen into these things and given up hope. He printed out a flyer (download it here) and hung it up in various Shuls. Here is a post from Kedusha about this:With regard to the flyers that I put up yesterday, I davened in one of the Shuls this morning (the one that has numerous Minyanim every day). Before davening, the flyer was still up, but by the time davening was over, it had been taken down. I think it's likely that the Rav removed the sign (or even if someone else did, I assume they would have consulted with the Rav). I wrote an anonymous letter to the Rav, which I plan to mail today. Below is the letter (slightly edited, to remove any identifying information):
Dear Rav ******, Shlita,
I put up the enclosed flyer on [the Shul] bulletin board on Tuesday afternoon. By Wednesday morning, it had been removed.
As the Rav is surely aware, addiction to the Internet, especially (but not limited to) Internet pornography, is a very serious problem in the Frum world today. It affects not only the modern orthodox, but people who are considered to be Bnei Torah as well. It is unknown how many Bnei Torah are leading double lives and crying out for help, with nowhere to turn. Imagine the pain of a Frum, Heimishe father, attending his child's Siddur party. It should be a moment of great Nachas. Instead, the father is ridden with guilt because of where he was on the Internet the previous night.
For some people, the answer is to have no Internet in the home (however, as the Internet becomes more and more essential, it is becoming increasingly difficult to suggest this as a long-term solution for Klal Yisrael). For those who need it, however, there must be another solution. My solution, in part, has been to install an Internet filter to which only my wife knows the password (furthermore, in case the password is lost, it will be sent to my wife's e-mail account, to which I have no access). In addition, I realize that this is an addiction and has to be treated as such. As with any addiction, I have no control over yesterday or tomorrow, but I can work on being clean today, with the Ribbono Shel Olam's help. I have been clean in the past, once for as long as 18 months, but I always fell eventually. But now, for the first time, I have somewhere to turn for help.
The website www.guardureyes.com (which is in the process of being upgraded to www.guardyoureyes.org) has countless resources for battling this addiction. It is a life preserver for those who are drowning in a sea of Tumah. If the Rav is the one who took down the sign, I beg him to reconsider. Countless people pass through [your Shul], especially during the week. If only one Neshama is saved, it would have been worthwhile for the sign to be posted. I, therefore, humbly request that the Rav consider posting the enclosed sign, or at least refrain from removing it the next time it gets posted.
In the merit of helping those who are trying to sanctify themselves, may the Ribbono Shel Olam grant our Kehila and Klal Yisrael Bracha v'Hatzlacha, and protect us from all harm.
Respectfully,
*******
Who among the readers of this e-mail will take Kedusha's example and raise the banner of Teshuva & hope for his brothers? It is right before Elul now. Imagine the merit you can have if you save even one Yiddishe Neshama! There are Sifrei Torah lying in the dust! Help pick them up and return them to Hashem's lap! Print out the flyer and hang it up around your neighborhood, or leave copies in the local shtiblach. Or copy Kedusha's letter above, and leave copies of it around your neighborhood Shuls.
The Chovos Halevavos (Shar Ahavas Hashem, Perek 6) says:
"And you should know, my brother, that the merit of the believer, even should he reach the utmost completion in fixing his soul for blessed G-d, and even should he be close to the angels in their good traits and praiseworthy actions, and in the efforts they expend in their service of their creator, and in their pure love for Him, still do not reach the merits of someone who guides people onto the good path and steers the wicked to divine service. For his merits are doubled in relation to their merits, for all days and all times".~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Anecdote of the Day
Sent to us by an anonymous writerI would like to recount a story that happened to me a year ago on Rosh Chodesh Elul. I was in a very low mood with bad thoughts in my head. I was on my way to Israel for the Chaggim. I had to take a stopover. The first plane I was on got delayed for a few hours and I missed my connecting flight. The airline put me up in the Hilton hotel for the night. In the room was a clear lucid wide-screen TV. I started looking through the options on the TV and found what I wanted. Until then I had not seen real movies like that, but only pictures and bad sites. I was literally one click away from these pleasures. I thought to myself "here I've got a opportunity laid on a silver platter, without no one in the world knowing". About to press the button, I felt that I had reached the hardest nisayon in my life. Suddenly I took hold of myself and decided I was not going to give in. I showered, and while doing so I was mechazek myself. After the shower, I was lying on the amazingly comfortable bed and suddenly the desires came back with tenfold force. A powerful battle was going on, "yes, no, yes, no". Suddenly a voice inside me says, "I am sorry yetzer hara, but this time I won". It was the yetzer hatav speaking. The next morning I got up and had to hurry, as I was put on a early morning flight. I felt like I was in the seventh heaven. Suddenly I felt above all the physical desires surrounding me. I had to daven shacharis by the gate. It was the first day of Elul, and although I did not have a shofar with me, I had had my own wake up call. The euphoria lasted through Sukkos time.
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Torah Thought of the Day
By Pintale YidWhen Moshe first saw the Sneh (burning bush), he didn't understand why the bush was not being consumed. When Hashem saw that he was coming closer to look, he told him to take off his shoes because he was standing on holy ground.
My Tanya Rebbi explained this as having to do with a person struggling with his Tayvos. The Yetzer Hara keeps burning, but the bush is not destroyed. When a person is struggling, they might think that their Neshamos are being destroyed. But if they take a closer look, the bush is untainted - it isn't even blackened by smoke. Your Neshama is as clean as it was before the fire started, it is all an allusion that the Y"H has concocted for you, so that you should give up and be his best friend for life.
Take off your shoes - dump the Y"H, because your struggle is nothing less than holy ground. The holiest of the holy. Use your past falls to propel yourself to greater heights. Know that while you were struggling, every time you said "no", the Shechina soared on high and was receiving tremendous bounty from the OHR AIN SOF.
Now when you dust yourself off and start the climb again, be assured that you will shlep many others out of the mud with you.~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Link of the Day
From Aish.com
X-RatedThis story/article was written by Aaron, a long time member of our network. In the article, he describes his story and mentions our site. This article will be read by tens of thousands of people hopefully! (Add your comments at the bottom and let everyone know how our network has helped you!)
Aaron's original story appeared on our website over here. (Scroll down to the part called "Update 1" - from when he hit 90 days, which is particularly inspiring)
(In the Aish article, direct references to "Torah" that appeared in the original story were left out, since Aish wanted the article to "talk to" even the non-affiliated).
Yakov's Journey
Part 1When Yakov reached a half a year clean recently, he posted about his journey to recovery and Teshuvah. I would like to share it with everyone because it's very inspiring and there is so much we can all learn from it.
Today we will address the first part of Yakov's post, where he discusses the initial stage of his recovery. Tomorrow we will see how he took his recovery to the next level through a detailed process of "Teshuvah".
Yakov wrote:
Each person is unique. And each person finds precisely what works for them. We do not all share the exact same struggle. Each person has different needs in avodas Hashem. Each person deals with recovery in a slightly different fashion. But what makes us a wonderful family is that we recognize the unique facets of each individual. We try to encourage and inspire, as it fits with the receiver. My inspiration for growth came from this site and all its holy people.
What we have built on this site and forum is a very unique social network. The amount of emotions and concern for one another on a daily basis is unmatched. This is our success. As I wrote in my ode, "when there is achdus, there is no yetzer hara". People can come here at all times of the day for chizuk. People can post their feelings without having to wait their turn. There is always a listening ear. There is always a concerned spirit. There is always comfort.
The real Teshuvah process only began for me about 5 weeks / 2 months into sobriety. I did not use the ideas of teshuvah to make me sober (and I don't believe that they should be). It was only after I felt that I had maintained my sobriety for a period of time and I felt an honest feeling to grow, that I felt ready to address the steps of teshuvah as presented by the Rabeinu Yona and the Rishonim. The word charata did not enter my dictionary until this point started. I only knew words like sobriety, protection, Hashem, etc.. I focused on 12 steps, Tehillim, constant prayer (and I mean constant), and making small changes to my daily routine that made a big difference. And I was the first pioneer on the forum to take on the 12 steps by myself (I had no clue that it was intended for groups, honestly).
Also, I used the partner/accountability system set up on GYE to help me learn about myself by getting in touch with another struggler like me. I corresponded with him for two and half months. We spoke about a lot of things and clarified issues. (I recently put our correspondences in a Word doc, and it came to 28 pages).
Here are a few good quotes regarding basic tenets of the 12 steps that I wrote to my partner back in Feb:
"When it comes to self control, we need to work on two contradictory things. First we need to believe that we are in control of our actions. We make a strong decision that we will not do this anymore and stop it. This comes after we realize we can control ourselves... The other thing, is to realize that in fact we completely lack control and only Hashem can help us. We realize that only Hashem can give us the control that we need. To do this, means to constantly daven to Hashem to protect us from our own self-control. We need to internalize Hashem's control over the world and us..."
[Feb 20]"The difference this time, is that I focus not only on abstinence but on building a constant relationship with Hashem. The 12 steps helped me with that. I constantly daven to Hashem, no matter what situation I am in. I could be walking in the street, shopping, walking around my home, etc. I continue to talk to Him. I say things like 'please help me not have any urges, and if I do, give me the strength to surrender it to you". "Help me come close to you". "Please guide me to make the right decisions".
[Feb 21]
"...I began for the first time expressing the basic tenets of the 12-steps, which is that we are POWERLESS to lust. I did not realize it at the time, but that is what it was. I always said Tehillim, but I never davened in my own words for help as if I could not do it without Hashem. When I discovered this and began to use it, it was so powerful."
[Feb 22]
"What happens when the Yetzer Hara strikes? Firstly, remember, you really are POWERLESS to lust."
[Feb 22]
"So I continue to keep my head high as I rely on Hashem that as long as I continue to try to beseech him and do my best at maintaining and building a long-lasting relationship with him, He will protect me from all enemies, from both within and without".
[Feb 27]
Anyway, for the first time in my life I was able to wake up in the morning and say Modeh Ani with kavanah. I thanked Hashem for real for giving me life back. I thanked him for giving me another day to live and become a greater person. For the first time in my life, I began to really appreciate life, with all its hardships and setbacks. All the knowledge that I had amassed over the many long years of struggling came rushing down to me with clear understanding. I was finally able to internalize all my knowledge and bring it to my heart, as the baalei mussar tell us.
I spent the first two months of sobriety in intense davening to Hashem to help me. I set aside time each day for tehillim (and continue to do so) as I connected myself. [As an aside, if I am not mistaken, this has been the approach of the early AA's as well. They would encourage recovering addicts that after making a definitive decision to remove themselves from alcohol, the needed to spend time each day involved in religious work to connect themselves to G-d]. I NEVER EVER wanted to go back to that dark world again. I had fallen in the past and I knew it could happen again. I begged Hashem day and night for eternal protection. I did everything in my means to help myself. I understood in a very real way that help from Hashem will only come if I put in all my efforts. And all my efforts were exerted. The Rabeinu Yona tells us that a person who really wants, tries. He explains that that is what bechira is all about. It is about putting in all your efforts as you express your true desire. If you want but do not do, then you do not really want. You only want to want.
I needed to rebuild my life from the start. I began implementing small changes that made a huge difference to my day. I understood that without proper kavanah in Shemah, modeh ani and krias shema al ha'Mitah, I would never gain the proper perspective on life that I needed. I understood that without proper perspective on love and intimacy, I would never survive. I took what I always knew to be true and began internalizing it. I began writing loving letters to my wife, as I expressed my emotions in a very open way. I became more careful with inyanei kedusha. This included sleeping in the right direction and stopping to invite the yetzer hara into my life. I became extremely more cautious in other areas as well, but I won't elaborate.
One great zechus that Hashem gave me, was that precisely during my beginning days of sobriety, my wife and I had to remain abstinent due to uncontrollable circumstances. My wife was sick for an extended period of time. While it was initially frustrating, I began to realize how much my perspectives on life and family had not been internalized, and how selfish I had become. Also, during this time, my wife was unable to handle most of the daily chores. I had to help out much more, as well as offer proper comfort to her. This meant learning to become sympathetic and expressing love and concern. I began to understand that Love was not about romance but about caring. It was about building an eternal bond of oneness with another, which leads to a natural sense of concern and care. It is about giving and not getting. And the more I gave, the greater I felt. I transformed myself from selfishness to selflessness. I was finally able to express my love to my wife for real. Of course I always knew this. But for the first time, I began living it.
In short; in the past, this long period of separation would often lead to addiction and depression. This time it lead me to sobriety and rejuvenation.~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Testimonial of the Day
Yakov posted this comment on Aish.com's recent article about porn addiction, which mentions our network.
Saved by Rav Noach zt"l and guardyoureyes.org
This article brings great joy to me, and I will tell you why. My first exposure to porn came at age 10. My addictive behavior picked up speed at age 12. When I was 16, I had a spiritual awakening and made a conscious decision to stop. However, despite all my efforts, my addiction grew and grew as it threatened my job, my family and ate away my spirituality. At the beginning of Feb '09, I was introduced to the guardyoureyes.org website. I still could not get courage to pick myself up and beat my addiction. However, a few days later, Rav Noach Weinberg zt"l (Rosh Yeshiva of Aish) passed away. I attended his funeral and something magical happened that day, as I listened to all the eulogies. All of a sudden I felt a sense of strength. I felt a sense of meaning. I felt a sense of believing in myself that I could do what G-d wants me to do. For the first time in a long time, I felt that I could rid myself of this addiction if I only wanted to and asked Hashem for help. That day marks my first day of sobriety. From that day forward, I remained clean of this destructive behavior as I learned to rebuild my life using the tools on the guardyoureyes.org website. The story in this article and the real person in it, were one of the major contributors to my success. I thank G-d for bringing me to the right place for recovery and for helping me recover. Thank you Rav Noach zt"l. With tears, your new talmid, Yaakov
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Saying of the Day
By "7Up"
Elul is a 'get out of jail' monopoly card. And with GYE behind you, the possibilities are endless!
Yakov's Journey
Part 2I would like to take this opportunity to wish Yakov a big Mazal Tov on the birth of his son last night! May he be zoche to raise him Le'Torah Le'Chupah u'lemasim Tovim, and may Hashem save his son from the difficult tests of our generation. And while on the subject, let me ALSO wish a big Mazal Tov to "Efshar Lisaken" on the birth of his son last night as well. Efshar reached 90 days just last week (see Chizuk e-mail 553 on this page).
Looks like it's a big day for GYE!
Today is Yom-Kippur Katan, erev Rosh Chodesh Elul. Many people fast on this day, and special teffilos of repentance and Vidui are recited. What better time could there be to bring the second part of Yakov's post (yesterday we brought the first part), where he describes how he took his recovery to a whole new level through a detailed process of Teshuvah.
Yakov wrote:
For me, the after-shock of recovery was far too massive to just sit back idly. My thirst for real Teshuvah was a moral responsibility that I felt. I needed to connect to my spirit in a very real way. I needed to do something. I was desperate to maintain sobriety. I let my soul lead the way. My neshama knew exactly what it needed. My hurting soul needed comfort and relief in a time of destruction. My soul was was so happy to finally be allowed into my life and to finally shine. When I felt pain about my past, I also felt joy. I understood that I was removing the outer layers that cover the spirit. I was getting in touch with myself for the first time in a long while. I was finally able to cry the way I cried when I was a youth, beginning my battle 15 years ago. This was a sign that I was not 'cut-off'.
My need for proper teshuvah was from my inner spirit telling me to do the ratzon Hashem. My need for teshuvah was not a 'method' to remove myself from sin. B"H, I was beyond that. The day I decided 'No More', it melted away like ice in the hot sun. That part was easy. When you truly want it, it is easy. AND I WANTED OUT. NO MORE.
But I still needed to do teshuvah. I needed kapara for the past and tahara for the future. This has nothing to do methodology of recovery [which we discussed yesterday]. Hashem sent his special messengers down to this earth to guide us, like Rabbeinu Yona. I needed to understand the effects of my past and ask for proper forgiveness. I knew that this does not come to those who just want it. It comes after hard work of internalizing the truth of the world. One must learn to understand. I have done this many times in the past, but I knew this time would be different.
For the first time in my life, I began to understand what Charata (regret) really meant. I understood how charata has much more to do with internalizing than knowing. Charata is a feeling of astonishment and shock. The new person known as a baal teshuva cannot believe what the old person did. This comes only through a creating a new person; a person that has internalized how terrible his acts were. A person that internalizes how great Hashem is. With this, he becomes shocked and stands in disbelief as he realizes how he has rebelled, destroyed himself, acted worse than the animals, etc. But this is an avodah.
I learned to understand aziva hachet (leaving sin), and I did everything in my capability to not allow lustful triggers to enter my day, following the guidelines of halacha, as opposed to idealistic thinking. (See the "Quote of the Day" below, which discusses this same idea!)
I understood and felt "yagon" (sadness / pain at having been lost) as my neshama unleashed itself, and it cried days on end. (You can read more about yagon on this post from April).
And I began internalizing daaga (worry) from the yetzer hara, as I strengthened my fences. I became more careful where I walked and with whom I spoke. I davened for protection with greater conviction, as even the most remote possibility for sin was scary to me. I was encouraged to increase my awareness of Hashem with each passing day. I should never settle for yesterday's accomplishments.
And as I feared retribution, I davened for salvation. I took each minor mishap in my life as another brick of atonement. I laughed as I was pained, realizing it is all a kaparah.
And the growth goes on as we move to hachna'a (humilty) and then to sheviras hataavos (breaking the desires), and onwards.
And I also knew that last year, when I went six months clean and then fell, one of my biggest mistakes was not doing any vidui until Yom Kippur. I am so ashamed of myself for this. (I had been scared to say vidui only to be proven a hypocrite later on).
I needed to get close to Hashem (again). I felt so distant from Him. It was me that had created that barrier, and I would have to work to remove it. I knew that I had gotten myself into these things, and I needed to get myself out of it. I had made many wrong decisions in my life, and it was in my hand - NOW - to change. I needed to stop relying on others for chizuk alone, and I realized the matter is in my hands to fix. I needed to stop thinking that 'Eventually I will stop, the problem will just go away on its own.' As I removed myself from sin, I begged Hashem day and night to let me back. He allowed me to come to his throne of glory for a period of time (approx. 5 weeks) as I expressed all my inner emotions directly to Him. Those were the most precious days of my life.~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Quote of the Day
Someone posted this comment on Aish.com's recent article about porn addiction which mentions our network.I also struggled with this, coming from a secular background where it would have been abnormal not to get involved with such things, but now I'm living in a world of Torah and truth. At first, even while being otherwise Torah-observant, I would find excuses that would allow me to look at seductive photos, and that would unfortunately lead me to more overtly sexual images. I've been free from this for quite some time, and (more importantly) have navigated away from tempting pages and situations very often without fail. This is all the more interesting since my work very often involves dealing within different worlds of the internet. The solution for me was quite simple - study the halacha. Torah study does many profound things for psychology and self-control, and on the practical level, it functions as a very powerful, simple reminder for how to live. The halacha for this is quite simple - there is nothing totally prohibited about looking at nudity; for example, a medical student is allowed under many circumstances to examine a nude picture of the opposite sex. However, it is totally, 100% prohibited to "go after your eyes and heart"; in other words, *anything* which turns you on in a negative way - that will possibly lead you to a destructive path (e.g. masturbation, etc.), is prohibited from looking at. The reason the medical student can do what they do is that their mind is focused on something non-sexual. If their mind starts to slip, they wouldn't be permitted to look at it either. Now - when I find myself getting turned on from any image (whether intended to be sexual or not), I remember the halacha of "not to go after your eyes and heart" and I click away from it, thank G-d. Not because I just think it's "bad" (which, in the slippery-slope case of seductive pictures might not be enough of a deterrent), but because I have a specific understanding of the halacha, and I try to keep it, just like kashrut and Shabbat.
$90 for 90 Days"Kedusha", who reached 90 days this week (see Chizuk e-mail #558 on this page), came up with an ingenious plan to help others reach 90 days too - while helping GYE at the same time! He writes as follows:
I would like to suggest the following idea, and I hope others will follow suit. I would like to, b'li neder, help out one member of the GYE Chevra (who has been unable to achieve 90 days within the past 12 months), and GYE in general, by pledging to donate $90 to GYE if the selected member makes it to 90 days. This is a unique opportunity to give a GYE member a special incentive to make it to 90 days, while helping out GYE at the same time.
Those who are interested in taking up the challenge should send an e-mail with the following information:
1) How many days you've been clean (at least 3, but no more than 30),
2) A brief summary of your recent status (successes and failures),
3) Whether you have an Internet filter without access to the password,
4) Your pledge to post honest reports of your status at least twice weekly on "Wall of Honor" section of the forum.
5) Your game plan for making it to 90 days without falling (you need one - otherwise, GYE stands to lose out on the $90!).
Hopefully we will get more than one offer to take up this challenge. I will choose one of them and let "Kedusha" know who he is sponsoring (anonymous nickname only of-course). And I hope we will also get others like Kedusha, who want to sponsor a member (or more than one). Please send us an e-mail if you are willing to sponsor someone's 90-Day Journey by pledging $90 for 90 days.
In the merit of motivating another person, you will surely see siyata di'shmaya in your own struggle as well. And what more beautiful way can there be to enter Elul than to encourage another Jew to purify himself - at the same time as helping GYE continue to inspire hundreds of others!Le'taher eschem mikol chatoseichem... Lifnei Hashem Ti'Taharu!
Start your 90 day journey TODAY; Rosh Chodesh Elul.
Sign up for the 90-Day chart over here.
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The Battle-Cry
By Uri (headed back to Yeshiva for Elul Z'man)
In this week's Parsha it is written:
To my beautiful most holy warriors:
This is it.
We are nearing the end.
The last stretch.
We have all spent the last bit preparing and purifying ourselves for this moment.
We have been strengthening our connection with our loving Father in Heaven.
The world hangs in balance as we speak, my friends.
The yetzer hara and the satan have been slowly taking hold of much of the world we live in.
They have been poisoning minds and taking down people, left and right.
Hashem has therefore decided that a new group must be formed.
This group is trained by the holiest men and consists of some of the world's holiest and most fiery souls.
This unit I speak of is elite unlike any we have seen in the longest of time.
It's a group fueled and inspired by love and courage.
This unit of the most elite warriors is of course: GYE.
Until now, we have been growing with each other, fighting powerful, relentless and persistent battles. Now that the summer's over, it is time to go out there and fight our King's war.
Some of us will be heading back to the Batei Midrashim, our mini Beis Hamikdash.
And though we might think that our voices will only be heard nearby, there is a microphone by our shtenders. And this microphone plays our sweet music all over Hashem's beautiful world.
The trees in the Amazon forest will dance with love and admiration for Hashem and his warriors.
The birds above the mountains of Switzerland will be doing flips in the air when they hear the sweet sounds of Torah that are shaking and reverberating throughout the world.
And in Eretz Yisrael, the beautiful magic of the country will soar to levels words can't describe.
We are Hashem's most elite unit!!
We are Hashem's pride and joy!!
Our Yeshiva buildings are fortresses of kedusha!!
Our arguments in learning put a smile on our Father's face!!
Our tefillos go straight up to the highest places!!
If only we knew, my friends.
If only we really knew...
For those of us who are finishing vacation and heading back to the business world, things can be much tougher.
You cannot always be in the fortress.
But Hashem is walking alongside you through your office.
He is sitting next to you on the subway and bus.
He is constantly giving you the warmest of hugs.
He is sending you out for the simplest of reasons: The kedusha and love of G-d you all have attained here is tangible. It is obvious. It is clear. And it is contagious.
Fight His battle!! We have faith in you. And more importantly, so does He.
He would not send you out unless He knew you would succeed.
And the same goes for those heading to university or college.
And for those who teach, and for those who spend the day at home with the kids.
Hashem brought us here. He collected us all, from the four corners of the earth to bring us together to be His special battalion.
And it is that way for a reason.
Our battle is affecting every part of the world!
My dear friends,
Do you know who we are?
Do you know who we are??!!
DO YOU KNOW WHO WE ARE???!!!!!!!!!!!
WE ARE
G - Y - E
And we are ready for action!
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Attitude Tip of the Day
By "Kanesher"
Focusing on the Here & NowI read the translation of "The first day of the of the rest of my life" and it is absolutely beautiful. The ideas of how the Yetzer Hara is fueled by frustration, lack, and by trying to reach the stars in a single leap... spoke to me deeply.
I also read "The Big Book" over shabbos - it's fascinating. And the underlying yesod, which is letting of the grandiose plans and focusing on the here and the now in the form of "What does Hashem Want?" is beautiful and freeing. It removes the pressure and the tenseness, and it opens us up to true and natural avodah - which lets us finally achieve our goals. The "lack" is gone - or better yet - "filled".
Here's a great quote from "Zen and the Art Of Motorcycle Maintenance" which I can't resist posting:
"... Phaedrus wrote a letter about a pilgrimage to the Holy Mountain... in the company of a holy man and his adherents. But he never reached the mountain. After the third day he gave up, exhausted, and the pilgrimage went on without him. He said he had the physical strength but physical strength wasn't enough. He had the intellectual motivation but that wasn't enough either. He didn't think he had been arrogant but thought he was undertaking the pilgrimage to broaden his experience, to gain understanding for himself. He was trying to use the mountain for his own purposes and the pilgrimage too. He regarded himself as the fixed entity not the pilgrimage of the mountain, and thus wasn't really ready for it. He speculated that the other pilgrims, the ones who reached the mountain , probably sensed the holiness of the mountain so intensely that each footstep was an act of devotion, an act of submission to this holiness. The holiness of the mountain infused into their own spirits enabled them to endure far more than anything he, with his greater physical strength, could take.
To the untrained eye ego-climbing and selfless climbing may appear identical. Both kinds of climbers place one foot in front of the other. Both breath in and out at the same rate. Both stop when tired. Both go forward when rested. But what a difference! The ego-climber is like an instrument that's out of adjustment. He puts his foot down an instant too soon or too late. He's likely to miss a beautiful passage of sunlight through the trees. He goes on when the sloppiness of his step shows he's tired. He rests at odd times. He looks up the trail trying to see what's ahead even when he knows what's ahead because he just looked a second before. He goes too fast or too slow for the conditions and when he talks his talk is forever about somewhere else, something else. He's here but he's not here. He rejects the here, is unhappy with it, wants to be farther up the trail but when he gets there will be just as unhappy because then it will be here. What he's looking for, what he wants, is all around him, but he doesn't want that because it is all around him. Every step is an effort, both physically and spiritual, because he imagines his goal to be external and distant".
And another great quote to this affect, from Reinhold Messner who climbed Mt. Everest solo without bottle oxygen:
"... So when I start to climb-especially when I'm on a big wall, whatever difficulties - I am so concentrated that there is nothing else existing; there's only a few meters of wall where I am hanging and climbing; and in this concentration, everything seems quite logical. There is no danger anymore. The danger is gone... But the concentration is absolute..."~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Quote of the Day
Someone posted this comment on Aish.com's recent article about porn addiction which mentions our network.
I am so thankful to Aish.com for this article. I have been in recovery for about a year and it has changed my life. My story was very similar to the writer's, but while I was in active addiction I thought I was all alone. I struggled for years trying to stop myself; crying every Yom Kippur and swearing "never again!", but I kept going back. The harder I tried the worse it got. I fell deeper and deeper into guilt and shame. I was a frum family man on the outside but a real addict in my "other life". For the addict, it is a physical, emotional, and spiritual disease, and all three must be healed in order to recover. Now that I am in recovery, I have a deeper and more profound relationship with HaShem and with everyone around me. There is hope.
I am a member of Sexaholics Anonymous and when I walked into my first meeting I was shocked to see it full of other frum people like me. It literally has saved my life. B"H I was "only" addicted to pornography, but others in the room were much worse off, and many started where I was and progressed to far worse places (adultery, prostitutes, drugs, ect). This is such a huge topic and can literally save thousands of frum people's lives and marriages. I would be happy to speak with anyone who is struggling. I remember years before I found help I would e-mail rabbis I found online for help because I was too ashamed to speak with someone face to face. I'm sure you have and definitely will receive many emails of people looking for help. If I can be of any help, please let me know: yankysa@gmail.com. What a way to enter Elul. Thank you again.~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Some Pep Talk from Mr. B to a Bochur on the Forum
(If you see capital letters on the forum you can be sure it's Mr.B)
LISTEN SLOW AND HARD MY FRIEND,
THE YETZER HARA IS A TRICKSTER.
HE DOES NOT "NEED" YOU TO TRANSGRESS ANY SINS,
HE WINS THE WAR BY SIMPLY ENGAGING YOU IN THE "SHAKLA VITARYA".
I FEEL BAD SOUNDING LIKE AN OLDER GUY SAYING, "BEEN THERE DONE THAT"
(I HATED WHEN MY RABBEIM TOLD IT TO ME)
BUT DON'T WAIT TO BE MY AGE TO GIVE IT UP
IF YOU THINK IT IS HARD NOW...
WAIT... TZADIKKLE... OY..THE SHTICK HE'LL PLAY.. OY THE NISYONOS..
THE YETZER HARA IS SO CREATIVE!
BTW TZADDIK, YOU WILL NEVER OUTSMART HIM.
DO NOT TRY, RATHER PLAY A DIFFERENT GAME.
YOU CAN NOT WIN THE YETZER HARA, YOU NEED TO AVOID HIM.
YES IT IS HARD. YES, EVERYONE IS DOING IT. YES, YOU WILL HAVE NEFILLOS.
BUT REMEMBER, THESE ARE EXCUSES NOT REASONS.
I WILL NOT JUDGE YOU. I HAVE NO IDEA WHY YOU NEED THE WEB, AND IT COULD EVEN BE CURIOSITY AND BOREDOM - THAT IS NORMAL.
BUT MY GOOD FRIEND, I AM AN UPSTANDING FIGURE IN MY KEHILLA
A GABBAI, A MAGGID SHIUR, A BAAL PARNASSA,
AND I HAVE A WONDERFUL FAMILY.
TZADDIK, I ALMOST LOST IT ALL TO YOUTUBE.
PLEASE! YOU ARE SO CLOSE TO THE BEST YEARS AND OPPORTUNITIES OF YOUR LIFE,
YOU WILL ONLY GAIN BY STAYING CLEAN!
Update on the "$90 - 90 Day" Motivational Strategy
By "Kedusha"
(See Chizuk e-mail #561 on this page for the terms)
We already have pledges to sponsor 9 people's 90-day journeys, but we don't have enough offers from sponsees. If you are ready to take on the 90 day challenge and earn $90 for GYE, send us an e-mail today - Rosh Chodesh Elul!
As "Kedusha" wrote yesterday on the forum:
What an opportunity, quite possibly a one-time opportunity, to have a special incentive to make it to 90 days! Who among you is motivated to help themselves have the most meaningful Elul in years, followed by Yamim Noraim of sincere Teshuva (preceded by true Azivas Hacheit), followed by a Sukkos/Shemini Atzeres/Simchas Torah of pure spiritual Simcha, after which you will be more than halfway to 90 days? And who knows how many suffering Yidden will be helped if GYE has the wherewithal to reach out to them with the funds to advertise? Here's your chance to help yourselves and help others!~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Parsha Thought of the Day
By "Cleareyes613"
(Cleareyes pledged to sponsor FIVE guys for $90/90 Days!)
I was reading this week's parsha and the following vort came to me:
Shoftim - Perek 18 Pasuk 9: "When you come to the land that Hashem your G-d, gives you, you shall not learn to act according to the abominations of those nations". Says Rashi - the pasuk does not say "you shall not act", but rather "you shall not learn to act..." Meaning, understand how destructive their acts are and instruct your children to stay away from such and such an act, for this is a ritual of the nations.
Rashi is clearly learning that when we and our children are in clear and present danger from 'abominations', we must be active and educate. We can't turn a blind eye, but must learn of the dangers and warn regarding them! This Rashi is clear proof of the need to warn our generation of the dangers of the internet, and not like those who say better not to talk about it.
The next pasuk continues: "There shall not be found among you one who causes his son or daughter to pass through fire.."
Can there be anything more dangerous than placing our children in a room alone with an unfiltered internet!! Surely they will get burned!!!
(Continuing the pasuk) "me'onain..." What is a me'onain? Rashi brings down the Sages who say 'these are illusionists'.
Rabosai, is there a greater illusion in our days that the abomination we call p*rn!!!! What we so desire and feel we can't live without in one moment, (and which can ultimately lead us to destroy ourselves, our jobs and even our families), after the act is finished, POOF - like a cloud of smoke the desire is gone! Hey, you have just been tricked by the greatest illusionist of our time; p*rn!
Ok, so we need to educate ourselves on the dangers of this great abomination and warn others. But the illusion is so great, how can we not be drawn towards it?
The answer is given to us in Pasuk 13: "You shall be wholehearted with Hashem, your G-d." Rashi explains: 'Walk with Him with wholeheartedness. Look ahead to Him and do not delve into the future. But rather whatever comes upon you accept with wholeheartedness, and then you will be with Him and of his portion.'
Explanation:
'Walk with Him' - this can not be done alone. You need to give yourself and the battle over to Him.
'Wholeheartedness' - the Torah does not say 'be holy', but Tamim, "be complete", telling us of the need to create a strong foundation to build on.
'Look ahead to Him' - don't try running away from the abomination, but rather run towards Hashem!
'And do not delve into the future' - don't tell yourself "its not possible for me to give this up forever". For the future is in the hands of Hashem.
'but rather whatever comes upon' - we need to live in the present.
'Accept with Wholeheartedness' - and take one day (or even an hour) at a time.
'And then you will be with Him and of His portion'.
Good Shabbos and good Chodesh to everyone! May we be zoche to be with Him and of His portion (i.e: part of the Holy GYE army)
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Q & A of the Day
"Eden" wrote a poem & asks a question:Once I indulge in my vice, I transform.
I become cold & unresponsive
Completely dependent on continued escapism.
It becomes as necessary as food.
I think of nothing but escaping.
People, my goals, my ideals, G-d, they all fade away.
My stimulation, my escapism,
I make it my g-d, as I submit to my lust completely.
I become an ardent worshiper of the stimulus.
Once I indulge in my vice.
My brother recommends specifically the support and raw honesty of the face to face meetings and urges me to look up local SLAA meetings or SA meetings, as that was what lead him to sobriety for his addictions (alcohol and drugs). I am nervous though, is this really the best place to go for a lust and escapist addiction?
Dov Replies on the forum:
Dear Eden, Thanks for your deep and heartfelt posts. My experience was that I needed the face-to-face meetings for the reason your brother seems to be implying: There is a unhealthy "cushion" that "virtuality" - even by phone - provided me with.
Many addicts tell the same story. They seem to get a jump-start from getting caught (some do not need it at all, though.) I believe that by inviting (in their cases unintentionally!!) an objective, other, real person into my little world, brings the real me face-to-face with the fake me much more effectively than I ever could on my own. And the two of them need to be forced into the same room in some way, you know.
I don't know how old you are, but this idea reminds me of the two captain Kirks (or the two Dr Whos) from different time dimensions - if they ever met face to face, the universe would rip apart! Anyway, getting caught, or inviting other - safe - people into our world, usually rips that wacky universe apart. And that's good. It seems to be necessary for many of us. Those who really do need it can get it the easy way (joining groups), or the hard way (getting caught)...
Anyhoo, the SA White Book sounds pretty much up your alley (though I now gain more from the big book of AA, myself), and know nothing about SLAA or any other group out there. I'm straight SA, I guess.
Love and happy Chodesh to you and yours, reb Eden!
Dov
P.S. Incidentally, getting caught helped me, but it wasn't until about a year later that I got the help I really needed when I started going to meetings out of my own desperation and surrender. It wasn't pretty, but it worked and is working so far with Hashem's help. (Editor: 11.5 years!)~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Link of the Day
By Mr. B (Bardichev)
"GROW TO LIVE AND LIVE TO GROW"~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Quotable of the Day
ELUL RECALL NOTICE
Posted by "7Up"Regardless of make or year, all units known as "human beings" are being recalled by the Manufacturer. This is due to a malfunction in the original prototype units code named "Adam" and "Eve" resulting in the reproduction of the same defect in all subsequent units. This defect is technically termed, "Serious Internal Non-morality," but more commonly known as "SIN."
Some of the symptoms of the SIN defect:
[a] Loss of direction
[b] Lack of peace and joy
[c] Depression
[d] Foul vocal emissions
[e] Selfishness
[f] Ingratitude
[g] Fearfulness
[h] Rebellion
[i] Jealousy
The Manufacturer is providing factory authorized repair service free of charge to correct the SIN defect.
The Repair Technician, Hashem, has most generously offered to bear the entire burden of the staggering cost of these repairs. To repeat, there is no fee required.
The number to call in for repair in all areas is: PRAYER.
Once connected, please upload the burden of SIN through the REPENTANCE procedure. Next, download ATONEMENT from the Repair Technician, Hashem, into the heart component of the human unit. No matter how big or small the SIN defect is, Hashem will replace it with:
[a] Love
[b] Joy
[c] Peace
[d] Kindness
[e] Goodness
[f] Faithfulness
[g] Gentleness
[h] Patience
[I] Self-control
Please see the operating manual, TORAH, for further details on the use of these fixes. As an added upgrade, the Manufacturer has made available to all repaired units a facility enabling direct monitoring and assistance from the resident Maintenance Technician, Hashem. Repaired units need only make Him welcome and He will take up residence on the premises.
WARNING: Continuing to operate a human being unit without corrections voids the Manufacturer's warranty, exposes the unit to dangers and problems too numerous to list, and will ultimately result in the human unit being incinerated.Thank you for your immediate attention.
Please assist by notifying others of this important recall notice.
Have an uplifting Chodesh Elul!
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Testimonial of the Day
By "Chasdei Avos"Mazal Tov on one year clean!
Chasdei wrote today on the forum:
I would like to thank Hashem, Guard and all the old-timers on the site for helping me reach, bezras Hashem Yisbarach, my 1 year anniversary. It's not a coincidence that I'm zoche to this on Rosh Chodesh Elul. Hashem should give each and every one of us the siayata dishmaya we all need in this uphill battle, and send us moshiach very very soon. THANK YOU ALL AGAIN!When Chasdei first found our network he wrote:
WOW, do I have chills right now. I just read this forum from start to finish and to say it is giving me chizuk is a huge understatement. I am flying high emotionally. This is the best preparation for the Yomim Noraim, a time when all of us are trying extra hard to succeed. I am no prophet, but I can say with certainty that Hakadosh Baruch Hu is looking down at everyone on this site and kvelling with unbelievable simcha and nachas. All we ever try to do is the ratzon Hashem, and right now, right here, on this website, you guys are smashing the Samech-Mem (Satan) to pieces and spreading the glory of Hashem's kingdom in the world, which is precisely the point of Rosh Hashana. Thank you, and let this be the reason you are all written in the book of Bracha, simcha, Parnassa, and all good things.6 Months later he wrote:
I am indebted to everyone here for all eternity, because bli ayin hora - with ezras Hashem always, I have been clean, almost as a whistle, since Rosh Chodesh Elul. Hashem should continue to give us all the strength we need.
Around Elul time I lost my job, and although I was not unhappy because I really didn't enjoy it that much, I got down and frustrated a lot. However, I spent a few hours each day writing on and reading this website. Since then, I feel like I have broken free (hopefully) from the menuval. I now see that I must kiss Hashem and hug Him a trillion times for giving me the opportunity to be unemployed so that I could spend time on this website. I davened for many years that I should overcome this particular Y"H, and now (as Hashem always does, we just don't always see it), Hashem answered my tefillos by taking away my job, so I could focus on this addiction (which I never realized was an addiction), and now I see the Yad Hashem.
In Today's Issue
- Shiur of the Day: "Elul - The New Environment"
- Parable of the Day: "How does one attain JOY?"
- Therapy Tip of the Day: CBT: Cognitive Behavioral Therapy
- Weekend of Self Discovery: "Seasons of Transformation"
- Story of the day: "My Addiction Turned into a Blessing"
- Q & A of the Day: "How does admitting powerlessness work?"
- Testimonial of the Day: "A Change in the Undercurrent"
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Shiur of the Day
"Elul - The New Environment"A powerful shiur by R' Bentzion Twersky
(Originally posted by Kutan)
Aaron writes about the Shiur:
On this page of the website (for example) there are tons of great tips to help us learn how to guard our eyes. These tips can - and do - work. But they still can take a lot out of us. There's a constant struggle, sometimes we win and sometimes we lose (even if you don't act out) and it's very draining. Instead, in this amazing shiur from R' Bentzion Twersky, he discusses how the long term answer is to address the root cause, which is; to change our character so that this is not something we want. And if we don't want it, we won't see it (he gives a mashal for this - listen to the shiur!).
We can address the root cause by focusing on what we want instead (hopefully Torah and a connection to Hashem), and as we work on that we will slowly become that. It's a lofty goal, but in the long run it will put us in a different place entirely and all these strategies will become unnecessary. And lofty goals are achieved step by step, one day at a time. So start today!
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Parable of the Day
The Big Question: "How does one attain JOY?"
By:
(Bardichev)Let me bring a Mashal from the Dubno Maggid:
Yankel the pauper was ecstatic.
The wealthiest man in town, Zelig, had invited him to his daughter's wedding.
Yankel was dreaming of all the sumptuous foods he will eat.
In his foolishness, he decided to fast for 3 days in order to "build up an appetite".
The day of the wedding arrived, but Yankel could not move - he was about to faint. His wife said, "you must eat now!" and she prepared him a "meal" of moldy bread and rotten vegetables, some onions and oil. Uchh.
Yankel comes to the wedding smelling from bad breath, his food coming up from his stomach.
The waiters serve the finest entrée.
Yankel says,
"uchh, it taste like mold".
"The soup tastes rotten".
"The steak tastes like old moldy onions".
The people around him finally say,
"YOU TASTE AND SMELL MOLDY AND ROTTEN!"
"THE FOOD HERE IS DELICIOUS!"
MY DEAREST FRIENDS,
TORAH & MITZVOS BRING A JEW TO THE GREATEST JOY POSSIBLE. SO WHY DON'T WE FEEL IT? Hmmm... Maybe we are filling up on Yankel the beggar's meal.
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Therapy Tip of the DayCBT: Cognitive Behavioral Therapy
By "Net"
I've been seeing a very good therapist and learning more about myself. It seems that my problem is not necessarily about an addiction to porn itself, but rather, it's many things on the side that bring it out.
Certain situations that I put myself into really seem to trigger my problem. For example, if I had a day full of negative thoughts and thought distortions and then I'll find myself sitting by a computer in a library or some place private with a lot of work to do, I'll get overwhelmed by the work and I'll feel really tempted by the fact that the porn and the "escape" is so accessible... Eventually, whether after an hour or even just a couple of minutes, I'll slip up. It's almost inevitable, being that I'm in a bad mood, in a private place, with a computer in front of me and wanting an escape.
So there are a few things that I need to fix. I need to stop the negative thought cycle with CBT, so that it doesn't escalate. My therapist suggested keeping a thought diary so that I can pick up all the negative, subconscious thoughts and learn to combat them with CBT.
I also need to make sure not to put myself into vulnerable situations; like keeping away from the library computers at all costs, making sure I have no access to the internet when I'm by myself, etc...
And lastly, I need to find something else that is a way for me to "escape" and take my mind off negative thoughts, but that doesn't impact me in a negative way like p*rn or mast*n does (such as exercise).
My therapist helped me set up a chart for my "thought diary" so I can start to combat the distorted thoughts. I feel that if I fix these things, it will fix the problem from the root. It doesn't work for me to just say, "Ok, I'm gonna be clean, and that's it". There are reasons behind the way I act.
Here are the columns of my "Thought Diary Chart":
-Trigger-
-Thoughts-
-Feelings and emotions-
-Behavior -
-Alternative thoughts-
-Feelings and emotions -
-What could I do differently this time or next time?-Yechidah Responds to Net on the forum:
I've read a lot on CBT in books written by David Burns. Look also for books by Martin Seligman and Aaron Beck. His 2 books "Feeling Good" and "When Panic attacks" are tremendous.
It pays for everyone to remember the thought 'distortions' and do those writing exercises.
There is also a book called EMETT written by Miriam Adahan that discusses this as well. A lot of her books are based on CBT.
CBT helps a lot. There's no hocus-pocus magic there. It's a lot of basic common sense and logic. And if you keep at it, a lot of the extremes of negative emotions are stabilized to a great degree, and the mind and heart become much clearer.~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Seasons of Transformation
A Weekend of Self-Discovery
This Coming Friday - Sunday
Duvid Chaim, who moderates one of our free 12-Step phone conferences, wrote as follows:Rarely will you see me suggest any other Program besides the GYE Programs, but I have personal experience with the "Call of the Shofar" Organization - having attended one of their amazing life changing weekends.
Run by an Orthodox organization, those who live in the NY area and struggle with this addiction (which is often caused by underlying issues such as R.I.D: Restless Irritable and Discontent) would benefit immensely by attending this weekend.
Download a flyer with information about the weekend over here
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Story of the day
"My Addiction Turned into a Blessing"
A comment by DMK on Aish.com's recent article about porn addiction which mentions our network.I got addicted in 7th grade, then, B"H, found God (or maybe God found me) by 11th grade. Living at home the whole time, I've never had therapy or a wife to work it out with, but I too labored under the delusion that once I got married, my problems would be solved and the addiction would go away. Also, like others commented here, I would swear every Yom Kippur to give it up and never could, till, with God's help, I have been clean 4 years now by taking it one day at a time, praying incessantly, studying a lot of Torah and eschewing, as best as a college student can, anything that might lead my thoughts back. It gets easier, but it never goes away. I know I'll never be fully healed. But I read this article on Aish and I think how horrible my life would be now if I had stayed on that path. And I look at the absolutely blessed, successful existence that I have now, where I am a blessing to my family and to my friends, and, I pray, to God as well, and I am using what I have been blessed with to accomplish many wonderful things I never would have even thought possible from a kid like me a few years ago. All I can say is Baruch HaShem, may all addictions turn out to be the blessing that mine has.
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Q & A of the Day
How does admitting powerlessness work?
Dave comments on Chizuk e-mail #551; Dov's Yesodos:
I am new on this website. I have now close to 9 months of sobriety and I am very grateful to Hashem for this. It has given me an unbelievable sense of living guilt-free and normal. Until I started the road of recovery, I always felt like a fake, as if I were living a double-life. The SA program has brought me so much happiness and serenity. Dov's Yesod is something I always felt was peculiar. Why is it that when I try to fight the urge (in the past), I ultimately end up falling on my face? But when I just say "Hey! I am powerless" then it ends up "OK"? My sponsor tells me the same thing all the time so I know it works, but I really don't understand the mechanics of it. Can someone explain this to me? Thanks.
"Someone" tries to reply:I may not be the best person to answer this question, but I'll give it a shot anyway. When you fight the urge, what do you do? You secretly (subconsciously) tell yourself, "I am strong enough, I can do it, I do not need HaShem"... and fall. Because that is arrogance and something HaShem has a deep disregard for, I think. Why else does it say in the Torah "Let US make Man"? The Supreme Being, the essence of everything, is talking to the angels about creating Man. So if He was humble, how MUCH MORE so do we HAVE to be humble?
When you ask HaShem for help (or say that you are powerless), you are admitting that you are not that iron-willed superman. You are HUMBLY asking for help. You are truly relying on HaShem to help you, bringing you much closer to Him. And ultimately, that is what he gave us the struggles for in the first place, I think.
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Testimonial of the Day
"A Change in the Undercurrent"
By "Eye.nonymous"
I tend to be more logical than emotional, Litvish rather than Chasidish. I'm usually very skeptical about these messages I see often on the forum such as, "WOW, I've been clean now for a whole week and I feel like a different person! I've got so much kavannah in davening, and so much simcha all the time!"
So, I must report that I have now reached 16 clean days. I've been clean before for 16 clean days, but never while I was consciously trying to get rid of lust. And I think someone posted here, "One fall during recovery is worth more than a clean day while you're not trying to recover."
I can't say I'm jumping for joy all day long, and I can't say I feel like I'm on the moon when I'm davening. But I am starting to sense this subtle undercurrent of simcha, which I have never felt before. And I think it is a simcha that can spill into all aspects of life. I feel a bit different towards my children, towards my wife, and even towards davening. No doubt, it is due to my efforts in trying to break free of lust.
Throughout these weeks I have been telling myself over and over again, "Watch out now! Be careful not to lust! Don't lust!"
I was surprised that, even with my wife, the same message popped into my head, "don't lust!" I realize now much more than ever before, I was thinking of marital relations as the kosher outlet for lust. But now, I sense that it is really supposed to be something entirely different.
In Today's Issue
- A Letter to the Rabbanim: Build up your merits for Rosh Hashana!
- Q & A of the Day: "Do we have free choice or not?"
- Attitude Tip of the Day: "Jumping Back on the Horse"
- Testimonial of the Day: "I Had to Smile"
- Jewish Spiritual Tip of the Day: "Using Vows"
- 90-Day Game Plan: Three Warriors Describe Their Plan
- Torah Thought of the Day: "Choose - Today!"
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A Letter to the Rabbanim
Be a catalyst in saving tens or even hundreds of Yidden. We strongly encourage everyone to check out this example letter that "Kedusha" wrote, and to follow his example by sending out similar (anonymous) letters to the Rabbanim of your communities. Imagine the merits you'll have this coming Rosh Hashana!
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Q & A of the Day
Do we have free choice or not?"Snibril" asks on the forum:
Chazal say that "everything is in the hands of heaven besides for the fear of Heaven". How does this fit in with the idea that we should just give over the fight to Hashem? Doesn't "free-choice" mean that Hashem gives the fight over to us?
Battleworn replies:
Hi Snibril! You asked a question that really requires a whole discussion, but for now let me try to answer in short.
1) Our free choice is only in our "ratzon - desire". We have free-will to get pulled after the desires of our body and make that our ratzon; or we can get pulled after our soul and our wisdom and make that our ratzon. "Hishtadlus" (practical efforts) are part of this - because if we truly want something we will act towards it. We need to put our ratzon into action to make it real. But whether we succeed or not is only in the Hands of Hashem.
2) We often have free-choice to stay out of a situation, but once we get ourselves into the situation already, we may not have free-choice any more.
3) It goes without saying that every person's free-choice is only within certain limits, depending on his level. For example, if someone never learned a word of Torah in his life and has always been wasting his time on nothingness, he obviously doesn't have free-choice to not be mevatel Torah at all. Of course, with time he can get there, but right now there's nothing to talk about. The same applies to a lust addict. In fact, the Ohr Hachaim Hakodosh says explicitly that once someone got used to sinning in this area, he can't stop al pi derech hateva (i.e. by using natural means), rather only by using the power of Hashem (see this amazing peice from the Ohr Hachayim over here). When we have the wisdom to realize that the lust is killing us and we run to Hashem to save us, then He makes a miracle for us and saves us from the addiction.~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Attitude Tip of the Day
Jumping Back on the Horse
By "Will"As soon as you get a bit too cocky and think "Hey, I'm doing it!", Hashem gives you a fatherly pat on the back with a serious nisayon and says, "Chill". That's what happened to me today... I was doing great with the few errands I had to run, in a semi crowded Israeli mall, keeping my head down and looking away immediately upon inappropriateness... I was thinking, "Yetzer Hara, bow down to your king." Then, for reasons I cannot elaborate on, I was forced to go to the airport and surprise an arriving friend. Surprising at the airport means waiting at the arrival hall and watching every single person that comes out of customs. I was doing well for a while... keeping my eyes in check. But after 45 minutes of this... my eyes became a bit "loose". I looked twice at a few women. Very upsetting. I basically ate treif a few times while I was casually waiting at the airport! But sometimes, says R' Tzadok, Hashem gives a person a nisayon that he cannot handle just to see how he recovers. Does he get depressed when he falls, staying on the ground and thinking "this is impossible"? Or does he jump right back onto the horse? Baruch Hashem, He has given me the strength to continue with this struggle right where I left off.
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Testimonial of the Day
I Had to Smile!
By "lamed vavnik" on the Forum
I am feeling pretty low right now. I'm going through a hard time in my life financially, and I'm in the middle of switching jobs from one that I liked to one I don't know anything about. My future is totally unknown and I'm scared. But I just want to post that this is the first time that I haven't tried to escape by acting out.
I needed to get my mind off of my troubles, so I opened up my old chizuk e-mails that I haven't read yet. And I'm posting here on the forum. I also checked my progress on the chart and I just had to smile: 20 days! I don't know if I've ever done that in my life; for sure not with this good of an attitude.
I hope that list of virtues for shmiras habris that was sent out in the daily shmiras ainayim e-mails (see #204 - 207 on this page) are true, because I sure need some extra help to secure a job and a house now. But in spite of all these worries, I definitely feel a sense of accomplishment in that I am aware that this is a time of weakness for me and I must be extra careful from the yetzer hara and not let him sneak in!~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Jewish Spiritual Tip of the Day
Using Vows
Making Nedarim (vows) can be a very powerful tool in this struggle, and Chazal indeed encourage Nedarim for these type of tests. However, vows must be made very carefully and only for short periods of time (at first) to assure that they can be kept under all circumstances. See this page and this page of our site for advice on how to make vows safely and effectively to help in this struggle.
A Bochur, who had been clean for many months, recently wrote:
I had a fall recently, and afterwards I gave some thought to my general direction. I realized that although I feel that I've pretty much broken the HABIT, I need a stronger commitment to keep myself strong when I get that rare POWERFUL urge that seems irresistible. So right then, I made a neder (which I knew I could keep) not to allow ANY lust for 2 weeks. That means visiting any site with any lustful intent, or even allowing any lustful thoughts to remain in my mind at any time. (I vowed that if I allow any lustful thoughts to linger, I will do 30 push ups). It really seems to be helping! On only a couple of occasions unwelcome thoughts have come to me, but because I made a neder, they cannot stay, and just like on a fast day I have no problem fasting and my stomach doesn't growl like it would on a regular morning because it "knows" it can't eat, my mind lets go of the thoughts immediately because it "knows" it can't "eat". Soon the two weeks are up and I will renew the vow for another 2 weeks, and I figure I'll keep doing that to keep totally clean. The summer is a VERY difficult time, and overall I think it was a success, with only 2 bumps in the road. I was able to prevent myself from falling back into a rut, even when it seemed like that was where I was headed. November will be a year since I started this journey, and I'll be sure to keep you up to date on how I'm doing. What you always say is so true: "The less you feed it, the less you need it"."Cleareyes613" wrote on the forum:
Today, I tried out a small neder (first time). I was alone in a house (b"H someone took the laptop so I didn't have internet) but there were plenty of non-Jewish magazines. The length of my neder was just for the afternoon; that I would do 25 push-ups before opening any non-Jewish material. After the fact, I think it helped keep the pestering voices out of my head pretty well!~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
90-Day Game Plan
We currently have 14 sponsors for Kedusha's motivational strategy: "$90 for 90 Days", but we only have 7 sponsees so far who have undertaken the journey. Sign up today for the 90-Day journey and get a super-kedusha-boost to catapult you into the Yamim Norayim! (See Chizuk e-mail #561 on this page for the terms of the "$90/90 Day" Plan).
One of the terms is to have some sort of "Game-Plan" for reaching 90 days. After all, it is important to realize that it is not through our own strength that we can succeed, but only through Hashem's strength. You may ask, "well, if it's up to Hashem, why doesn't He just let us succeed?" The answer is, that He is waiting for us to do OUR part. Although we need Hashem to beat the Yetzer Hara for us, there are many things that we CAN do as well. And as soon as we truly do OUR part, Hashem does HIS - and vanquishes the Yetzer Hara for us!
I would like to share with you the "Game-Plan" of some of the warriors who undertook the 90-Day journey. We can all learn from them!
"Struggle" wrote:
My game plan to make it to 90 days without falling is having a support group to turn to if I feel like I am in trouble. I am in touch with three people via the phone if I need, and I also have this forum... I will stay in touch with this site and the people on it. And I will also not watch TV.
"Eden" wrote:
I plan to read from the GYE handbooks, receive the Chizuk emails, keep busy in college, learn Torah, avoid ALL of my addictions - which include TV, comics, etc... and get support from my brother (who knows about my addiction and has dealt with his own).
"Postal" wrote:
I plan on doing at least 30 min of hisbodedus (introspection) every day, at least one good deed done for others that I normally wouldn't have done, using the computer strictly for Torah/GYE, Tikkun HaKlali every day, Back-to-Basics phone conferences with Boruch, speaking every other day with my partner, at least 30 minutes of White-Book / Back-to-Basics text / GYE texts, etc, and bringing the Yetzer Hara to the Beis Medrash (i.e. learning during free time).~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Torah Thought of the Day
"Choose - Today!"
By Eye.NonymousI saw this amazing vort on last week's parsha. It's from sefer Kol Eliyahu, selected chidushim from the Vilna Gaon. (I will paraphrase. It does lose something in the translation, but I think it is worth a shot):
"Re'eh Anochi nosayn lifneichem hayom bracha u'klalah"
"See I am placing before you today, a blessing and a curse"
It says "I am placing" instead of "I have placed" - which would mean that a person can only choose a good path at the beginning, but once he has chosen a bad path he is stuck with it. Therefore, it says, "I am placing": A person has the chance at any time to choose a good path.
A person might think nevertheless, "what good will it do me to choose good? I have accumulated so many aveiras in my life". Therefore, it says "Today". Whoever does Teshuva should view himself as a baby born TODAY.
A person might yet say, "what can I do if the yetzer hara shall force me to sin?" Therefore the verse says, "Anochi" - I, God Himself, will help; you need not fear the yetzer hara.
A person might say, "What if I'm the only one who chooses good? What is it worth?" Therefore the verse says "Re'eh - See (first person singular)." Choose good for yourself regardless of what the rest of the world is doing.
In Today's Issue
- Survey: Help us make this Chizuk List Better!
- Attitude Tip of the Day (Part 1): "Who's the Dirty One Here?"
- Attitude Tip of the Day (Part 2): "I Don't Want It"
- Saying of the Day: "Let it Shine"
- A Letter to the Rabbanim: Build up your merits for Rosh Hashana!
- Testimonials of the Day: From Aish.com
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Survey
Help us make this Chizuk List Better!Due to the nature of the issues discussed in the daily Chizuk e-mails, it is understandable that we don't get much feedback. However, it is important for us to hear from our readers once in a while. In the early days of the Chizuk e-mails (see here and here for examples) the daily e-mails used to be much shorter; just a thought or tip each day. As our forum grew and the amount of amazing Chizuk shared there each day grew along with it, I was able to make the daily e-mails much longer and more informative. About two months ago, we started dividing the Chizuk e-mails into sections, such as "Tip of the Day", "Torah Thought of the Day", "Testimonial of the Day", etc... based on the many categories & sub-categories of our new website (see "Categories" on the side-bar for the structure. Scroll down).
Just a few days ago, we started listing the different parts of the daily e-mail on top, so people can see what's in that day's e-mail in just one glance... But with all these evolutions and changes over time, we got very little feedback from our readers - if any. So I think the time has come to ask our dear readers for their thoughts. PLEASE let us know your honest opinions & advice:
- Do you like the new set up?
- Do you read the daily e-mails every day, or just once in a while?
- Do you think the daily e-mails should be shorter?
- Do you think you would read them more often if they were shorter?
- Do you want to hear more about specific topics, like "12-Step Tips", "Torah Thoughts", "Stories", "Testimonials", etc...
- Which topics (categories) talk to you the most?
- Are the daily Chizuk e-mails helping you in your struggle?
- Do you have any suggestions for us, like maybe we should divide the chizuk e-mail into multiple lists where people could choose what categories they wanted to get each day, etc... And maybe we should send out every day a paragraph or two from the GYE handbook and Attitude Handbook to help everyone go through them over time... In Short: Whatever ideas you think might make this service more useful for everyone, in your opinion.
- Is there a certain time of the day that you feel would be best to receive the Chizuk e-mails, such as first thing in the morning or when you get to work, or at night when you have more time on your hands and need Chizuk? (Please specify U.S or Israel time).
- Which foods do you like best: Choulant, Sushi, ice-cream or Woodford? (private joke for the forum family :-)
- Is this survey too long?
Please send your answers in to eyes.guard@gmail.com.
Thank you!~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Attitude Tip of the Day (Part 1)
"Who's the Dirty One Here?"
By Dov
"Nurah B'Amram" calls "FIRE" on the forum! (His nickname and his calling "Fire" is based on a story in the Gemara Kidushin 81a, see Tool #9 of the GYE handbook).
Nura writes:
I'm coming off a very loooooong project at work, about to wrap it up. I'm burned out and depleted, both physically and emotionally - easy prey for that BIG FAT FAT BEAST commonly known as the Yetzer Hara. Last time I fell, it was under similar circumstances - and I seek no encore performance!
Recently I passed through the city of Sedom and Amorah on the Hudson. I try to minimize my visits to that lovely island, but when I do pass through there I make it a point of taking the FDR drive instead of the West side highway because I believe there is less "view" there and less billboards etc. (all those unfortunate enough to travel there can relate).
The advertisers on these "un-holy" billboards don't spend millions of dollars for nothing - they know exactly what they are doing. I make it a practice of keeping my eyes strictly on the road and cars ahead.... Nevertheless, there were two huge-multi-story billboards at which I sorta glanced at from my peripheral vision... Perhaps because I've been in a good state with Guarding-My-Eyes for the past few months through the kindness of Hashem, I believe that I may be in heightened state of sensitivity, and I can't get these images to stop replaying in my mind!
So I'm going to YELL: "NOORA BEI AMRAM - FIRE IN THE HOUSE OF AMRAM!!"
I pray the Ribono shel Olam should douse this fire... NOW!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Dov (sober in SA for 11.5 years) responds to the cry:
Dear R' NBA (Noorah B'Amram),
Here's a water-bucket for you, Be"H: Yesterday, walking through the very unholy-appearing NYC (from the Megabus dropoff three squirmy blocks to Penn station) and then to my parents' home in Queens, I had the peripheral vision experience you described at least 10 times. It's one thing driving around at home where I'm used to the:
- very brief eye-closing,
- diverting my mind to reality,
- the surrendering of curiosity to Hashem, and
- the choice of safer routes to avoid "trouble".
It's an entirely different experience having the sewage poured on me as I go through that town! Now, I do believe Hashem has the "brawn" and the "brains" to save me from that too if push comes to shove, but I wasn't used to that feeling (anymore).
So, here is my share to you, NB'A:
I became aware that I was starting to feel "dirty" at some point, after getting "splashed" by a few "lust-puddles". I started to feel quite the victim. Not good. But what was worse was that I started to feel dirty. Dirt attracts only more dirt, of course. I realized that no matter how "dirty" I was, it'll do me no good at all to "live in the problem".
Then the thought occurred to me, that Chazal talk about "Im paga BOCH menuval zeh - if this pervert accosts you....". And with Hashem's loving help (He is wild about me, you know), it dawned on me that Chazal are calling the Yetzer Hara the "menuval", not me. I'm the "boch" who they are referring to, of course. But on a deep level, I realized that while feeling "dirty" I was actually identifying/confusing myself with the menuval!
As soon as I became aware of that, I chuckled again at how goofy an addict can be (very, very goofy, in fact!) and I asked Hashem for help, being that I am an easily tricked man. Then we (Him and me) went on to my parent's home (my earliest acting out incubator!!) and had a great time with them, clean as a whistle.
He really is the best Friend one could ever ask for, no?
And I don't care how low any Yid goes; as soon as he doesn't want to be so, he is not really dirty at all!
So if I ever feel farschmutzed (dirty) again, I guess Hashem will help me just "close my eyes" to my own craziness and help me have simple faith that I am actually a holy man with a blazing, ancient light inside, and a burning flame in his heart, walking through this "big city filled with people who don't know their right from their left"!
Sorry about waxing poetic. Hope you get the practical suggestion.
Just an addict sharing, really.
Love,
Dov~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Battleworn responds to Nura's Cry:Now that you screamed "FIRE", I would humbly suggest that you start screaming at the menuval, "SHUT UP YOU LIAR!" and tell him that he's making a big deal out of nothing. All you saw is a piece of raw meat that some weird people worship. There's nothing there at all (except a lot of pain). And most important to remember is that everything will be absolutely FINE if you just walk away.
The menuval makes it in to a whole emergency and tells us that we're going to explode, etc., when all we really have to do is turn our backs on the whole thing and let go of it. And of course when we do that, we've accomplished the greatest accomplishment in the whole world!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Attitude Tip of the Day (Part 2)
I Don't WANT It
By "Will"
Shabbos was amazing. Baruch Hashem, not many struggles with lust except for a few inappropriately dressed - so called - "tznius" women. When I would spot them in the distance, my head went down and I kept thinking, "Their mode of dress is disgusting. I will not contaminate my holy Neshama, my gift from Hashem".
I've been thinking a lot about what Rav Miller discusses in Day 4 of "Windows Of The Soul"; that we are a holy nation, and keeping our eyes in check should be done to keep ourselves holy - like we are meant to be. This has made Shmiras Einayim a lot easier for me to deal with, because I no longer view it as "combating lust"... Rather, I see it as keeping myself holy because that is what Hashem created me for. Like many people have said on the forum, its not about wanting lust and running away from it; it's about never wanting lust because it repulses us. A person should not be thinking to himself, "I really want to fantasize about this woman, but I won't because it's against my morals", rather he should be thinking "That is absolutely disgusting to me".
I like this approach a lot, especially since it means that I won't be running away my entire life... I won't be walking with my head down everywhere I go until I'm 90 and my libido has sputtered out. Hashem will have transformed me into a different person, a person who despises lust because it goes against the very grain of my essence - holiness.
Like "Kutan" so beautifully said (on the forum): I need to "despise lust, without any price... even for free... even if they'd pay me...." And I beg Hashem that he leads me to that holy state.~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Saying of the Day
Posted by "Yechidah" from a book by Tzvi Freeman; "365 meditations of the Lubavitcher Rebbe" (#235):
"Our souls cannot be broken that they should need repair, nor deficient that they should need anything added. Our souls only need to be uncovered and allowed to shine".
(Ties in perfect with what Dov & "Will" wrote above)
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A Letter to the Rabbanim
Be a catalyst in saving tens or even hundreds of Yidden. We strongly encourage everyone to check out this example letter that "Kedusha" wrote, and to follow his example by sending out similar (anonymous) letters to the Rabbanim of your communities. Imagine the merits you'll have this coming Rosh Hashana!
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Testimonials of the Day
Some comments on Aish.com's recent article about porn addiction (which mentions our network).Thank you Aish HaTorah:
Aish is to be commended for having the bravery to publicly raise this topic which is taboo in many circles. I have struggled with these issues for many years and can identify with the feelings expressed here. The article made me aware of the existence of the guardyoureyes.org website, where I found help, support, advice and stories of both struggle and recovery. For the first time, I do not feel alone in this problem. I have been able to admit to myself that I have an addiction, similar to someone suffering addiction to alcohol or drugs. I also feel an increased sense of confidence that this problem can be overcome. I hope that through this article Aish will have helped me and others like me to turn a corner in our lives. I ask Hashem that this Chodesh Ellul we should be able to fulfill our lifelong dream of Teshuvah. Thank you Aish.
GardYourEyes helps me also:
I am still battling with this problem but "GuardYourEyes", as they are called, are a great source of support and wisdom. I go back and forth but hopefully this stupid struggle will end soon. I have known it was no good for years, and it has harmed my relationship and my soul.
Thank you:
Dear Aish... Thank you again for your courage to bring this out to the open. I have been battling this "cancer of thought" for years and feel so ashamed. I had no clue where to even start to look for help. I just looked at GuardYourEyes.org - and it is nothing but from Hashem - at a perfect time. May Hashem keep giving you (and the rest of us who battle with this) continued strength to overcome this challenge.
In Today's Issue
- Special Announcement: Elya is Back!
- Anecdote of the Day: "30 Seconds"
- Testimonial of the Day: "I can always change course"
- Shiur of the Day: Rav Orlovsky on Elul
- Saying of the Day: "The Tradeoff"
- Daily excerpt from the GYE Handbook: Excerpt #1
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We would like to thank all those who answered yesterday's survey. We also appreciate those who did not reply; it helped answer question #2 for us, which was: "Do you read the daily e-mails every day, or just once in a while?" :-)
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Special Announcement:
After a two week hiatus, Elya's Thursday evening phone group is back!
"The Jewish Healing Group", Elya's (anonymous) phone conference, is an introductory 12 step discussion group patterned after SLAA (Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous). When you join this group you will be introduced to the problem, the solution and begin to heal by listening to others share their experiences, strength and hope. Sharing is encouraged but not required. Questions are welcome. Members who attend regularly now, have months of sobriety under their belts. They describe in meetings how their lives have changed dramatically at home, at work and in social situations, even in their relationship with Hashem. They have begun to explore the root causes of this disease and are learning how to live a life of spiritual connection instead of fantasy.For more details on the call and the phone number to call in, see this page.
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Anecdote of the Day
"30 Seconds"
By "Will"
I'm in the middle of learning a sweet daf of Gemara... My chavrusa and I are throwing out questions, finding answers, formulating different mehalchim. There is no room for the Yetzer Hara in mind. Or so I think... We get stuck on a piece, brainstorming for a few minutes...
"I got it!" shouts my chavrusa. I look at him. He smiles and begins to build his case with his signature hand motions.
Just then, the Yetzer Hara hits... it was a surprise attack - completely out of nowhere. He had gotten past my defenses and was staring me in the eye... alone, at first.
"Hey Will", says the Y"H, a troubling grin on his face.
"Get out of here", I shoot back.
He smiles... "I'm going, I'm going... but, uh... I just thought I should tell you that, uhh... your neder (vow) expired yesterday... y'know, the one you had against intentionally looking at 'exciting things' and acting out. Well, it's over... which means that technically, you can do whatever you want now... and it wont cost you a thing. Anyway, I'll, uhh... I'll leave now." He began walking towards the end of my mind, disappearing behind a recess.
My face goes white. I was doing so well that I had forgotten to renew the neder before it expired.
"Oh no." I think... "This Yetzer Hara is too powerful for me to battle without a tangible ally (my neder)."
I frantically look around for Menachem, the guy I make my nedarim with. He's nowhere in the Beis Medrash. I look for the Yetzer Hara... he's nowhere to be found... he has left me alone. He just planted the idea and left.
"Ok, no biggie", I think to myself. "He's gone for now... I can make it through the rest of this daf, and then I'll call Menachem to schedule an emergency neder session."
I calm down a bit... and look back at my chavrusa. He's still going at it, clarifying his mehalech and pointing excitedly all over the daf and its neighbor. I try to put my mind back into it entirely. I'm just finding the place, when suddenly.... BOOM.
The Yetzer Hara comes racing out into my conscious, fully dressed in his battle gear. But this time he's not alone... an entire army flanks his right and left... an army of memories. Every image that I ever tried to forget, every fantasy I ever had... they were there, and advancing. "Oh no... I fell for it!", I yell... "THE RETREATING ATTAAAACK!!!" I run for cover, falling back into battle stance... looking desperately for backup... but no... all of my defenses are too distant to utilize.
The Yetzer Hara and his army were getting closer and closer... their spears forming an impenetrable wall, threatening every area of my exposed neshama. They were not letting up. I look at the massive army and its general... there is no hope. Caught off guard with no defenses, it was "shooting fish in a teacup" - and I was the fish.
"I'm done for", I think... "his army is too powerful."
I slowly put down my weapons. "It was a good streak... but nothing lasts...", I think sadly.
The Yetzer Hara is smiling... victory is his, yet again. I begin scheming for my acting out, the Yetzer Hara being very helpful...
And just then it hit me. "That's it! Nothing lasts... nothing lasts... NOTHING LASTS!!! All of these memories that are threatening my neshama... all of these 'pleasures' that are promising me happiness... they DON'T LAST! Why in the world should I even think about giving in to such fake fulfillment?"
And that's when I heard the air sirens... a formation of thousands of planes coming out of nowhere. I squinted towards them... they were friendly! They were allies! They were sent by Hashem himself!
I watched as the air strike flew in low, letting loose a barrage of missiles, assaulting the Yetzer Hara's army. Memory by memory, each one was blown up... any temptation that I had as a result of them were obliterated along with them. I scrambled for my weapons and began running towards the Yetzer Hara. "GET OUT OF HERE!!", I screamed. The Yetzer Hara looked at me, dumbstruck, and ran helter skelter in the opposite direction.
"Phew... that was close!"
I looked back at the planes just in time to see them get back in formation and disappear into the horizons of my mind.
I looked up. "Thank You Hashem... Thank You!"
"And THAT'S exactly what Rashi was hinting to over here, and now it all makes sense!! Gevaldig!" finished my chavrusa.
"Uh, WOW! Good thinking!" I quickly said.
We both looked back into our Gemaras... I sneak a peak at my watch.
That was the longest 30 seconds of my life.~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Testimonial of the Day
"I Can Always Change Course"
By "ILoveHashem"I was listening to a song by Avraham Fried recently, and every time I think about it, it really gives me chizuk: "Haneshoma yoiredes lesoich haguf. Yerida zu letzoirech aliya, ad shekol zeh hu kedai - The soul comes down into the body, going down for the purpose of going up, until it was all worth it"... And I suddenly thought to myself, "Hey, my pure neshoma was brought to this lowly world for a purpose; to keep going up and shteig. Even though I've fallen this low, I can always pick myself up again and change my course of life to a life of total kedusha, to the point that my neshoma was worth coming down.
This site has really helped me, including the daily emails. For two weeks I have not looked at p*rn, although it is taking me time to really learn to guard my eyes and thoughts properly.
I was thinking, that if you convert GYE to Hebrew letters, it spells out 'gei' which means valley. GYE is a really a lifesaver to those in the valley of spiritual death; a real help to begin again the aliya in kedusha. Chazak Ve'ematz!~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Shiur of the Day
Rav Orlovsky on Elul
Entertaining & Life Changing!
Some points from the Shiur:
"Just because you're in a state of Tuma doesn't mean you are Tamei"
"Everybody falls down, that's part of life."
"Do Teshuva slowly, one step at a time."
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Saying of the Day
"The Tradeoff"
"Kedusha" shmoozing with the Yetzer Hara."Hmmm... you want me to look at pornography, Yetzer Hara? Why? Did you say it will give me pleasure? Well, that's an interesting tradeoff, Yetzer Hara; pleasure for a few minutes and then I'll feel horrible afterwards for days! Can I perhaps sell you a bridge in Brooklyn, Yetzer Hara?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~For those who find it hard to find the time to read through the GuardYourEyes Handbooks, we will try and bring an excerpt each day from one of the handbooks; either from the GYE Handbook - with 18 tools to breaking free of Lust addiction (in progressive order), or from the Attitude Handbook - with 30 principles on the correct perspective and attitude on this struggle. In this way, everyone will have a chance to go through both handbooks over time!
Daily excerpt from the GYE Handbook
(Right-click the link and press "Save Link/Target As" to download the e-Book)
Excerpt #1
The PrefaceAlthough we were raised religious, we found ourselves acting in ways that went against what we had been taught. Sometimes we came to believe that we never really had Emunah in the first place, or that we were simply "weak-willed" people with a "stronger than usual" Yetzer Hara.
After a while, we may even have come to think that we were anyway too far gone, and that Hashem surely despised us by now, or had abandoned us.
Then we found the GuardYourEyes Network - an entire community of Jews just like us.
We discovered that we weren't alone and that it wasn't our fault. We learned that these behaviors are highly addictive, and what had started out many years ago as innocent curiosity or typical "teenage" problems, had led us into a full blown addiction, which is really a type of disease.
We discovered that Hashem had not abandoned us after all, but rather had a beautiful plan for us. And as we joined the GYE community, we began to see that plan unfold.
We learned that we really COULD change. All that was needed to begin our journey was acceptance that we had a problem.
The soul of every Jew cries inside of them, but we had accustomed ourselves to blocking out that cry. With proper guidance though, we began to discover that the Emunah we thought we never had, was really there all along.
The word "kofer" comes from the word "covered over" (as in the word "kapores").The faith of even the biggest Jewish kofer is only "covered over". Every Jew believes deep down. It is an instinct that we inherited in our very genes, going all the way back to Avraham Avinu. And like birds that can fly thousands of miles back home without ever having learned how, all Jews find their way home if they just follow their hearts.
Every Jewish life is a song in Hashem's honor. After 120, we will stand before Hashem and cry as the most beautiful song of "our lifetime" is played back before us. We will finally understand how much Hashem truly loved us all along, and that all the suffering and distance that we felt during our lives were really all part of a magnificent harmony.A revolution is happening today in the GuardYourEyes community.
Hashem has waited all this time for us to read these lines and feel the stirrings of hope awaken inside us. Today we will begin to feel the harmony of that beautiful song Hashem is playing with our lives, using the strings of our hearts as the notes...
Welcome Home!
In Today's Issue
- Please Note: Elya is Back Tonight!
- Link of the Day: Poem - "Goodbye to Addiction"
- Saying of the Day: "Courage"
- Filter Tip of the Day: surfscope.com
- Torah Thought of the Day: From Sefer Hachassidim
- Attitude Tip of the Day: "Happiness"
- Testimonial of the Day: "Yetzer Hara; you goin down!"
- Daily excerpts from the GYE Handbook: Excerpt #2
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Please Note
After a two week break, Elya's Thursday evening phone group is back again starting TONIGHT - with a whole new perspective!
Elya posted on the forum:
I recently attended an Emotional Sobriety Intensive. It was 10 days of intensive therapy, group therapy, body work, breathing and relaxation, to learn how to become not only sober but emotionally sober. If you've ever read the AA big book you'll discover that although some people don't drink again, they remain "dry drunks." They have not perfected their middos and are still irritable and discontent, despite not drinking.
In today's phone call, I will be sharing some experiences from my 10 day Emotional Sobriety Intensive.For more details on the call and the phone number to call in, see this page.
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Link of the Day
A Poem
"Goodbye to Addiction"
by Elya
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Saying of the Day
"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying, "I will try again tomorrow".
- Tomim
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Filter Tip of the Day
By M.BI own a SurfScope router (www.surfscope.com) and I have not been able to defeat it. It records the computer screen, stores the captures on the router, and replays it over and over later on the screensavers. The screensaver feature is convenient, because who has time to manually look through hundreds of captures every day? It uses encryption, and if you try to tamper with anything, it cuts your internet connection. The website also has a video that describes how it works. The router resides in a locked cabinet that uses a weird lock that locksmiths have not been able to pick. The settings can not be changed without the key. (One's wife or an accountability friend holds the key).
Note: It is not a filter, so you can get to any website you want as long as you don't mind your wife and kids seeing the captures on their screensavers with daddy's name on it.~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Torah Thought of the Day
"Sefer Hachassidim" (173)
Should a sin come to a person, he should think to himself that if they would decree upon him to convert he would willingly let himself be killed for Kiddush Hashem, so if he would let himself be killed - which is such a difficult test to withstand, how much more so should he not let himself sin in this far easier test!
And if one should have fantasies in middle of prayer, he should press his big toes into the ground strongly, and lean his whole weight upon them without holding on to the wall, and this will remove from him all types of fantasies...
... And should a sin present itself to a person, he should pray for Hashem to save him from it with all his heart; for on temporary suffering a person prays, so on eternal suffering which has no end and no measurement, how much more so should a person pray much!
And if one succeeds to overcome his urge and not sin, let him not give himself credit and say, "what a Tzadik I am, that I withstood this test", rather let him praise Hashem that he didn't sin, for all hearts are in Hashem's hands, as it says in Mishlei (21:1) "rivers of water, the heart of the king is in Hashem's hand, to wherever He desires he turns it", and it says in Bereishis (20:1), "and I have also withheld you from sinning to Me".
... And the Yetzer Hara is similar to an "itch". If one continuously scratches the itch, it will bring up scars, but if he holds back from scratching it will go away.To see the full piece in Lashon Kodesh, click here.
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Attitude Tip of the Day
Happiness is something we choose
"The Wise Old Man"
Download the PowerPoint Presentation
(Right-click the link above and press "Save Link/Target As" to download)
(Thanks to "7Up" for sending it to us!)
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Testimonial of the Day
Yetzer Hara; you goin down!
"Will" writes:
The more I read through the posts here on the GYE forum, the smaller I feel. Everybody here has an incredible drive for truth, and an unbelievable WILL (no pun intended). I came here a few days ago thinking I knew a bit about a few things, and now I shamefully hang my head realizing that I know nothing about anything. Everybody here has given me tremendous chizuk, whether they realize it or not... and it is that chizuk that forces me to stare my biggest problem in the eye. Baruch Hashem, not acting out is an easier battle for me now... and it was perhaps the victory of that skirmish (breaking the cycle) that made me think I was almost done... but I have conveniently neglected the root of it all: Shmiras Einayim. It is extremely hard for me to keep my eyes to myself. Unbelievably hard. But with Elul here, I cannot ask Hashem for forgiveness of my past if I have not done my part. For the next 90 days, I will give Shmiras Einayim my every effort. And I don't care how hard it is.
So here I am, trembling as I think about the challenge of the coming months... But I do know one thing... Yetzer Hara? You goin down!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~For those who find it hard to find the time to read through the GuardYourEyes Handbooks, we will try and bring an excerpt each day from one of the handbooks; either from the GYE Handbook - with 18 tools to breaking free of Lust addiction (in progressive order), or from the Attitude Handbook - with 30 principles on the correct perspective and attitude on this struggle. In this way, everyone will have a chance to go through both handbooks over time!
Daily excerpt from the GYE Handbook
(Right-click the link and press "Save Link/Target As" to download the e-Book)
Excerpt #2
From the IntroductionWelcome to the GuardYourEyes community, a vibrant network and fellowship of religious Jews of all affiliations, struggling to purify themselves and break free of inappropriate behaviors stemming from Lust addiction. Our network is comprised of a website: www.guardureyes.com, a dynamic blog-site at www.guardyoureyes.org that offers new material, tips, stories and articles every day, RSS feeds (coming soon), and a pulsating forum where members post logs of their journeys to recovery, ask questions and exchange tons of Chizuk with the rest of the community. Besides all that, the GYE network provides weekly phone conferences, as well as hotlines - both in the U.S and Israel, and two daily Chizuk e-mails, (1) "Learning to break free of Lust Addiction" and (2) "General Chizuk on Guarding the Eyes". We also help people find accountability partners and sponsors, and we have a 90-Day Chart where our warriors can sign up to chart their successes and keep a log of their journey to recovery.
For the first time, a religious Jew has where to turn to for help in this area, as well as an entire network of tools, tips and group support to help break free of the insidious grasp of this addiction. All our work is free of charge (although donations are our life-line) and we zealously protect the complete anonymity of all our members. On our forum, the charts, the hotlines and the weekly phone conferences, only nicknames and non-revealing e-mail addresses are used. For starters, you may want to make yourself an anonymous e-mail address (something like newstart@gmail.com), as you enter our community.
Through the collective experience of the entire GYE community, and with the guidance of R' Avraham J. Twerski, a world renowned expert on addictions (founder of www.GatewayRehab.org), author of over 50 books and a true Gadol in Klal Yisrael, we present a set of guidelines below, that can help anyone - no matter how far they have fallen - to find their way out of the vicious cycle of Lust addiction.
Our sages have called Shmiras Habris "Yesod", meaning "Foundation". The foundation of a building is "underground" and no one sees it, yet it holds up the entire building! Shmiras Habris is the hidden part of a Jew, it's the real you. If the foundation of a Jew is weak, his whole spiritual structure is in danger of collapse.
We may have tried to do Teshuvah many times in the past, but the standard model of Teshuva (Azivas Hachet, Charata and Kabbala al Haba) doesn't work for us very well anymore. Addiction is a type of disease, and our Sages understood the nature of addiction as Rebbe Asi said: "The Yetzer Harah in the beginning is compared to a strand of a spider web, and in the end like a rope that is used to tie cattle". Even more so, in this area where our Sages have said: "The more it is fed, the hungrier it gets". Our Sages also recognized that once a person repeats a particular sin a number of times "it becomes to him as if it is permitted". Therefore, the standard Teshuvah techniques are not usually sufficient in our case anymore. It is no longer a "Yetzer Hara" issue as much as it has become a disease. The nature of the addiction is analogous to someone standing on the railroad tracks while he watches the train bearing down on him, and yet he can't move himself out of the way. And as Rabbi Twerski puts it in his book "Addictive Thinking": We place our hands on the stove, get burned, and yet we feel compelled to do it again.
Therefore on GYE, instead of the standard Teshuvah model, we begin to change our entire attitude. We learn the tools and techniques of how to sidestep the Lust instead of trying to fight it head on. And we learn how to give our disease over to Hashem and live with His help, instead of trying to use our own strengths to fight something that is so much stronger than us.
With the proper guidance, we start to see genuine changes in ourselves that we never believed were possible. At GYE we are finally joining together, for ourselves and for all future generations, to strengthen the Yesod - the very foundation of our people.
In Today's Issue
- Parsha thought: Aishes Yifas To'ar
- Attitude Tip of the Day: "You really got a 100!"
- Saying of the Day: You know what Hashem needs?
- Daily excerpts from the GYE Handbook: Excerpt #3
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Torah thought of the Day
Parshas Ki Seitzei
Aishes Yifas To'ar: Working 'Kineged' the Yetzer Hara
The Parsha of "Aishes Yefas To'ar - a woman of beautiful form" is interesting. Often the Torah uses the words "Yefas Mareh - beautiful looking" when describing a woman's beauty, but here only "form" is mentioned. The next few words say: "Ve'chashakta Bah - and you lust for her". A man's lust is usually triggered by a women's "form". It seems that the Torah is introducing to us a Parsha about lust: "What do we do about it - and what results from it?"
Rashi brings Chazal: "The Torah was only speaking 'kineged' the Yetzer Hara". The word 'Kineged' can be understood in two ways. Either "because of" or "against". Interestingly, in this Parsha it seems that both ways are profoundly true!
In the Parsha of Yefas To'ar, Hashem is letting us know that He understands the nature of lust, and that a person cannot always be expected to control themselves. As Rashi says, "if Hashem wouldn't have allowed it, he would marry her even though it was prohibited". And as we saw in last week's Parsha, the people who went to war were Tzadikim who were not afraid of any sin. Even so, we see how powerful lust can be; to the point that Hashem knows that he would sin if it wasn't permitted. This is the simple understanding of the word "kineged" - meaning "because of". In other words, the Heter (permission) of Yefas To'ar was given "because of" the powerful nature of lust.
However, the other meaning of the word "Kineged" means "against". In this case, Chazal can be understood as saying the following: "Why did the Torah write the Parsha of Yefas To'ar? To teach us how to work AGAINST the Yetzer Hara".
Hashem knows that lust can be super-powerful. We can't always just say "no" to the Yetzer Hara and walk away from an over-powering feeling of lust. So what hope is there for us in such a situation? Comes this Parsha - in Hashem's infinite wisdom, and tells us what to do in such a case. If we can't just walk away, here's what we CAN do instead: "Vahaveisah el toch beisecha" - Take her into your home, but... WAIT. Don't give in to the lust right away. "Vigilcha es roisha" - Let's shave off her long flowing hair, cut off her pretty nails, we'll dress her up in clothes of mourning, etc... Hair, nails and clothing all represent the "chitzonius" i.e. the "outer trappings" that don't let us see the real person underneath... Ok, now we can start to see her for who she really is; a bald, weepy eyed woman, dressed in shmatehs.And we can do the same thing if we saw someone and feel overpowered with lust. If we feel unable to just let go of it, we can take the image inside our mind - but instead of relishing it, we should imagine that we shaved off her hair and nails, and dressed her in rags! Then, there is finally hope that we'll let go of the lust.
And if we still don't want to let go of it and insist on arousing the lust in spite of the fact that it has already cooled down, then the end will be bitter. As Rashi writes, he will come to hate her; i.e. he will end up hating the lust. He will have a Ben Sorer U'moreh from it... meaning - perhaps, that the end result (alluded to in the idea of "his son") of purposefully arousing lust, can be a complete rebellion against Hashem.
What we can learn from all this, is how to work kineged the Yetzer Hara when we feel overpowered with lust. Instead of trying to fight it, we can say to the Yetzer Hara: "you know, you're right. This really looks good. But let me look into it just a little closer... What is this women that I desire really made out of? As our Sages have said: "a barrel filled with excrement, her mouth is filled with blood"... Let me have a look at some of the pictures in the Last Resort Tip #11 on this page before I give in to this overpowering feeling of lust...
And like "Pintale Yid" once posted on the forum:
I was walking home several weeks ago from a Shabbos simcha, when as a result of having to pick up my head to look at the color of the street light, I saw something that that I didn't want to see and it threw me for a loop. I saw that I was losing the battle so "in my mind", I invited myself to follow the "frum" lady home. When she took off her high heels, as a result of those treifa heels, I saw the most ugly bruises on the heels of her feet and I imagined that her feet stunk worse then the dorm rooms in yeshiva. I also try to imagine her as if she was a walking skeleton.
I think this is the deeper meaning of that Gemorah where if you are at the mercy of something you saw, then take it in and modify it to where you are totally disgusted by it. The Gemorah uses more "base" turnoffs, and each person can imagine the levels that work for you. Isha Chavis Melei'ah Tzoah...~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Attitude Tip of the Day
You think you failed? You really got a 100!One of the great warriors on our forum had a very difficult week where he was taken on vacation by his family to places he would never think of going himself. In spite of putting up a valiant struggle, he had some slips and falls and became burnt out, disillusioned and apathetic. He seemed almost angry at Hashem, Kaviyachol, for not helping him more, and he wanted to leave the forum and take a break. However in the end, due to everyone's love and support, he made a complete reversal and is now optimistic about continuing his journey and inspiring others along with him!
Today he posted on the forum:
To avoid possible misunderstandings: I'm not angry at anyone here. No-one wronged me. GYE is only good - and probably the most positive thing in my life right now. I'm very appreciative to GYE and all of its members for all their words of encouragement that they have volunteered, and I am indebted to you all. Knowing that I'm not alone in this battle, but that I'm fighting alongside others - tzadilkim - is very meaningful and supporting. My comment about leaving GYE was not said in regard to anyone not meeting my expectations (in any way).
In an email to R' Guard, I presented where my feelings stemmed from:
"In test taking, I'd rather hand the test back in blank and get a "zero" than work hard, prepare, study, and get hyped up, only to have gotten a 55%. What does that say? I've tried hard and still didn't pass! I fought hard and long and relied on Hashem to help pull me through. Still, I failed. If I fail, I prefer to know that it's because I didn't try. Trying, trying, trying, but still failing, can break a persons spirit."
R' Guard's response to me on that point (aside from providing select segments from the Attitude Handbook for me to look at; principles 23-25, etc.):
"The question you pose here, about getting a zero on the test rather than a 55%, touch on the most important Yesodos in this struggle. You see, in spiritual matters, it is completely different than in physical. On this world, getting a zero without trying is indeed a lot better than a 55% with trying. But in spiritual matters, the trying itself is the 100% my friend!! Even if it "looks" like you came out with a 55%, Hashem sees the heart, he sees your effort. If you tried and cried (and I know you did), you are at 100%!!
That's the beauty of this struggle... "
Due to certain events (which I shared with R' Guard in my email) things were extraordinarily tough for me the past few days, and boruch Hashem, the many people who have been in contact with me most recently have helped me get back up on my feet. With the help of Hashem, I now stand at 3.5 days - and it's only forward from here!~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Saying of the Day
Who said Hashem always needs you to win? Maybe he brought you to fall only to see what you'll do NEXT?
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For those who find it hard to find the time to read through the GuardYourEyes Handbooks, we will try and bring an excerpt each day. In this way, everyone will have a chance to go through the handbooks over time. Currently, we are bringing daily excerpts from the GYE Handbook which presents 18 tools to breaking free of Lust addiction, in progressive order.
Daily excerpt from the GYE Handbook
(Right-click the link and press "Save Link/Target As" to download the e-Book)
Excerpt #3
From the IntroductionThe purpose of this handbook (part 1)
When a newcomer first comes to our websites and forum, they can easily be overwhelmed and feel lost. They will see many tips and advice, ranging from the most simple and basic ideas, and on through more drastic steps, such as therapy, 12-Step groups and even medication. It is often hard for the newcomer to pinpoint exactly how "addicted" they really are, and what kind of steps are the most appropriate for them to try at the stage of addiction they may be at. For example, obviously a beginner is not going to jump straight into psycho-therapy or join a live 12-Step group, in the same way we don't try to treat the common flu with chemotherapy.
And that is the goal of this handbook. We have attempted to put together a guide of the practical tools that we, in the GuardYourEyes community, have found useful. And we have attempted to present them in a progressive order that goes more-or-less from the most basic and fundamental tools, and on through the more intense and life-changing recommendations.
The ideas and tools we present here, as well as the order they are presented in, are nothing more than suggestions. We are only sharing what many in the GYE community have found works for them. You may try subtracting, adding, or jumping steps, as you see fit. We would be happy to hear if you feel that something has worked better or differently for you. (We may even add it in the next version of this handbook). Please send your comments to us here, and download the latest version of the handbook here.
It is our hope that with this step-by-step tool guide, every person who struggles with lust addiction, no matter how mild or severe their addiction may be, will find guidelines that can help them fully recover. All we need to do, is to start from the beginning and begin to check off the steps/tools that we have - or have not yet - tried. Should we find that we could not successfully break free even after applying the initial advice of this handbook, we will be able to find increasingly powerful and more addiction-oriented solutions, ensuring that we will eventually achieve a complete recovery be"H.
In Today's Issue
Mazal Tov to 'Hoping'! A Yalkut Shimoni about "Hoping"
Great Posts by 'Hoping': Profile of a Hopeful Warrior
Attitude Tip of the Day: "Keep Hoping, you WILL get there!"
Daily excerpts from the GYE Handbook: Excerpt #4
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A Big Mazel Tov to our dear member "Hoping" who reached 90 days and joined
the "Wall of Hashem's Honor" this past Friday!
Hashem caused me to see a Yalkut Shimoni this Shabbos that is very appropriate for the occasion of Hoping's big day. Click here to see the piece in Lashon Kodesh. I will bring a few translated excerpts here in his honor, since we all need to be inspired by the spirit of "hope" that he effuses on our forum:
The Pasuk in Tehillim says: "Kavo Kivisi La'Hashem va'yet elai - Hoping did I hope to Hashem, and He turned to me". Says the Medrash: "In the World to Come, all the Tzadikim will dance in a circle and point to Hashem and say "this is Hashem that I hoped to, let's rejoice and be happy in his salvation". Continues the Medrash... "The Jewish people have nothing but "hope", and it is in the merit of their "hope" that they will achieve the ultimate salvation. Should a person ask, "so much time has passed and we still have not been saved", says the Pasuk: "Kavei el Hashem, Chazak ve'ametz libecha vikavei el Hashem - Hope to Hashem, strengthen and fortify your heart and hope to Hashem". If you hoped and were not saved, hope and hope again! And should you ask, "until when should we hope?" Says the Pasuk, "Yachel Yisrael el Hashem me'ta ve'ad olam - Yisrael hopes to Hashem from now and forever". Says Dovid (Kavo Kivisi La'Hashem va'yet elai): "From (through) my hoping, Hashem turned to me and heard my supplications".
What a perfect nickname "Hoping" chose for himself. We must never lose hope, no matter how hopeless it may look. And indeed, in the merit of our hoping to G-d, we become worthy of His true salvation!~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A Few Great Posts From "Hoping" on the ForumHoping's First Post:
I have just discovered this site two days ago, and I think this is the first time in years that I really think that I can do Teshuva for my sins. I have been masturbating for 20 years and I have tried to stop countless times. Aside from my terrible addiction, I have been quite successful in other areas of my life. I am what some people consider a solid Kollel yungerman, and I have a wonderful marriage. However, every step of my life has been tainted with my feeling that I am disgusting and that if anyone knew the real me, they would run the other way. I have tried to stop in the past but I have always fallen down, often to a worse point than where I was initially. I would love some Chizuk from people who have dealt with similar situations and I think that I would benefit from some advice on "hitting the bottom while still on top" (admin: see today's handbook excerpt below). I am ready to fight, but I cannot be successful without the support of this forum. Please help!
On his 8th Day Hoping wrote:
I realize that the difference between all of the fighting that I have done until now and my current battle is that I have always focused on my success in terms of my ability to stay clean forever. This has not allowed me to appreciate small successes. Every time that I felt the Yetzer Hara strengthening, I felt that the point of the fight was gone. After all, eventually I would succumb anyhow. After that, I would inevitably get depressed and feel that I wasted my time and effort (and gave up a bunch of potentially pleasurable opportunities along the way). In my short time on GuardYourEyes however, I have come to appreciate every moment as an accomplishment. This is true in terms of Zechuyos (merits) and also in terms of steps towards recovery. Also, by reading about the progression of this disease in the Handbooks (admin: see today's handbook excerpt below), I realize that every time that I turn away, I have avoided getting myself deeper into trouble. This is true at any time, whether I am counting days or not. I truly 'hope' that this journey is one that I will be on forever, but right now I am taking it one day at a time and I am thankful to Hashem that He has led me to be part of this wonderful forum.
On his 15th Day Hoping wrote:
I am happily starting week three and I just realized that BE"H 90 days will hit in the middle of Elul. I know it's a bit early for me to think about it - and I am trying to go one day at a time, but I could not help but feel some anticipation to do some real Teshuva this year. I could never really do Teshuva on any aveiros (even those unrelated to lust) when I felt that I was not truly willing to return to Hashem (i.e. leave my addiction). I see in the process of recovery - an overall Hiskarvus to Hashem that goes way beyond the scope of Lust or any other individual problem.
Hoping also wrote:
The purpose of this site is not the goal itself, it is the journey that is important; the ups, the downs, the falls, the slips, and the days you feel like you are going nowhere. It is all part of this wonderful journey. I have found that the most inspiring and successful stories on this site came from people who kept on going up and down but still kept traveling on the journey and didn't give up. Of course, it is extremely important to read the GYE books, but my point is that in a way, a fall while on the journey is worth more than a clean day while you aren't trying. So Please, Please continue with us, and allow us to travel in the way of Hashem together.~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
These words of Hoping: "A fall while on the journey is worth more than a clean day while you aren't trying" - have become one of the most famous sayings on our forum!~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Attitude Tip of the Day
Keep Hoping, you WILL get there!
By Hoping & Dov
'Hoping' asked recently on the forum:
I have to keep remembering that Hashem is in charge and that I need Him to remove my Yetzer Hara for Lust. It should be easy for me to realize how I am helpless without Him, yet I still spend much of my day acting like I am in control. In addition, I find it difficult to daven at times, although when I do daven, it is with a much closer relationship with Hashem than before. But how can I feel that there is any honesty in my surrendering myself to Hashem when I cannot even get myself to daven to Him like I should? I wonder if anyone shares this issue, and whether anyone has any Eitzos:~~~~~~
Dov (sober in SA for 11.5 years) responds to Hoping:
Dear Hoping,
First of all, we are sober today and that's enough reason to dance - no matter how bad everything else is going, period.
Also, it is absolutely fantastic that you are sharing this rather than just brooding over it - yow! (What were you doing a year or two ago?) I wish I shared more than I do - living would be even easier than it is!
Second of all, with all very due respect to the 'hoping-meister' (sorry), I'll remind you that while you (and I) have been spending the past 20, 30, whatever, years - y-e-a-r-s being focused on how well everybody else (including Hashem) is doing taking care of our needs - so much so that when we feel they are not doing a terrific enough job of it, we self-medicated by using lust and fantasy, etc. to fill in the gaps... So why do we expect real improvement on a deep level after a relatively short time? No guilt here, no blame here, at all. Only room for love here. But may Hashem help us both look at things with more realism and acceptance... Real improvement does take real time - and it is worth every minute. After all, we are in this for the "long haul"...
So... I'll review some quotes from your post above:
You wrote, "it should be easy" - well maybe it's not so easy after all... and that's OK.
"How can I feel that there is any honesty in my surrendering when" - let's take it easy here, shall we, brother in recovery? You obviously have some honesty!
"I cannot even get myself to daven to Him like I should?" - how do you/we know how Hashem wants you/us to daven to Him today? Maybe He "desires" the quiet pain of a davening that "seems it isn't what it should be"... Our success in Gadlus (great frame of mind and spirit) is empowered by our struggle in katnus (when we don't feel anything).
Besides, when you wrote "get myself to..." it reminds me of the times where I felt I should have the power to decree my moods and abilities. Those days are over. I need to remember (see R' Tzvi-Meyer) that much of our abilities and moods are from Hashem. Interestingly, the source of self-blaming for stinky moods and for lack of success in growing, actually stems from haughtiness (that's a big 12-Step "program-principle" that I was struck with early-on, BH! The great sefer "chovas hatalmidim" - in English now, FYI - deals with this quite a bit, from a chassidish/chinuch perspective).
Thirdly, many folks in recovery - particularly frummies like us - report that they feel as though they are going through a "dry period" in davening and avodah in early recovery. For me it lasted nearly three years. Am I trying to scare you away? No, but it took me a long time to learn to have patience with myself, humility enough to accept my limitations, and maturity enough to start taking the more responsible small steps, rather than beating myself over the head with only the big steps!
So - read Battleworn's "The Torah Approach" and other material, and you'll see that when we talk about "recovery", we really mean big, deep and real changes in how we live with emunah and stuff like that. If we had any insincerity and superficiality at all in our davening and avodah before recovery, I believe we can (and should) expect a rather severe, visceral, automatic aversion to insincerity, in recovery. Particularly if it is in the core recovery tools: which are davening and avodah. Everyone has some dishonesty, but as recovering addicts we just can't tolerate it very well. And B"H for that!
There are specific eitzos to improve davening. But that's not the point, really. For me, the main thing is to stay in sobriety no matter what, and to pour our hearts out to Hashem in whatever way we can, as often as we can. The real improvement in the davening and avodah happens on its own, in my experience. So keep Hoping! Just don't make the mistake of dropping tefillos, if you can, nor of despairing, chas veshalom.
"Hoping" this was helpful, and remember - "easy does it".
Love,
Dov~~~~~~
In response to Hoping's inquiry and Dov's reply, I posted on the forum:
DOV'ev sifsei yisheinim! (Shir Hashirim 7:10). What Dov wrote above should be more than enough, but I believe you'll also find some good advice on this page where Dov answers "London" about "feeling cold in Yiddishkeit" while in recovery... (scroll to bottom for Dov's reply, where he elaborates more along the lines of what he wrote here).
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Hoping responds on the forum:
Wow! Thank you Dov for your response. It really helps. This is not the first time you had to remind me to "take it easy", and it probably won't be the last. I guess I just have to figure out how to break my avodas Hashem into small steps like I have been doing with other things, and not push the pace of improvement. I guess I have to practice what I have preached to others, that the direction that I am headed is the most important thing, and the speed of travel is not really under my control.
And Guard - I think that this is the third time that I have read the page you linked to, and each time a different part of it speaks to me. Thank you!~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
For those who find it hard to find the time to read through the GuardYourEyes Handbooks, we will try and bring an excerpt each day. In this way, everyone will have a chance to go through the handbooks over time. Currently, we are bringing daily excerpts from the GYE Handbook which presents 18 tools to breaking free of Lust addiction, in progressive order.
Daily excerpt from the GYE Handbook
(Right-click the link and press "Save Link/Target As" to download the e-Book)
Excerpt #4
From the IntroductionThe purpose of this handbook
(part 2)
We must be aware of the importance of utilizing the increasingly earnest solutions presented below, in the event that we are not able to break free with the initial tools we try. The addiction is a disease, and if it is not dealt with properly, it only gets worse. Addiction leads us down a path of pain and self-destruction, until we stand to lose everything important to us, in this world and the next.
It is our fervent hope that those who still stand in the beginning stages of the addiction take heed and learn from the experience of those who have already fallen to "rock-bottom". (Read this story and this story on our website for examples). One of our goals at GuardYourEyes is to help people "Hit Bottom while still On Top" (please see Chizuk e-mail #441 on this page for a deeper understanding of this profound ambition). By helping people understand the "nature" of this addiction and where it ultimately leads to, we hope that they will take the necessary steps to break free of the disease while they are "Still on Top" and their lives remain intact.
The key to beginning to really heal is simply "Acceptance". We must accept that we are addicted to lust before we can start to heal. Otherwise, we will read through this handbook and say to ourselves: "they're not talking about me".
To understand better the nature of lust addiction, please see this page. And to test yourself and see if you are addicted to lust, see this page.
The disease does not get better on its own. And marriage does not solve the problem of lust addiction either. It only complicates the issue and introduces the potential of destroying two people's lives, instead of one. We have to be ready to do whatever it takes to break free. Rabbi Twerski always says that this addiction is like a spiritual cancer. And to cure ourselves from this "cancer", continues Rabbi Twerski, "nothing should stand in our way".
Our e-mail server was down today, and it just came back up now. It's already late in Israel, so here's just a quick chizuk thought for the day:
There are two types of "fascinations" that we human beings are capable of experiencing.
Type 1) Allowing ones self to indulge in the fascination of human beauty and form by following the natural instincts and wiring of the brain to become enthralled by the lust in human flesh. This type of fascination is fed and intensified through pornography, lusting in the street, reading today's magazines and watching x-rated movies and TV shows.
Type 2) To be spellbound by the beauty in nature, fascinated by the splendor and wisdom in G-d's handiwork, amazed at - and thankful for - one's own body, captivated by the magnificence and spirituality in our holy Torah and the depth of wisdom therein, awestruck by G-d's greatness and enthralled by the blessings that we experience everyday of family, health, sustenance and good fortune.
Know though, that these two types of "fascinations" cannot co-exist. The human mind is only capable of maintaining one of these two types. The second type of fascination is obviously far more spiritual, enjoyable and fulfilling, but it is also much more "subtle" and therefore cannot be experienced by a mind that is under the influence of the fascinations of type 1.
So make your choice today.
Choose LIFE.
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Serious & Funny
The Zohar compares the Yetzer Hara to a dog that says "Hav Hav" - meaning, "Give, Give!". The shofar of Elul can inspire even the "dog" inside of us to change its "bark" of "give me" into a yearning for Hashem.Click here to watch a humorous clip to this effect :-)
In Today's Issue
- Testimonial of the Day: By "Habib613"
- Important Announcement: Help GYE with your stuff!
- Three New Songs: From Uri in Jerusalem
- Personal Victories: "We Are Capable of Walking Away"
- Attitude Tip of the Day: "The King Wants you to Escape!"
- Saying of the Day: Inspired by "Hoping" and Dov
- Quote of the Day: By "Shmilu"
- Daily excerpts from the GYE Handbook: Excerpt #5
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Testimonial of the Day
By "Habib613"Last Rosh Hashana, I davened that Hashem should let me die. Literally. I was saying "zochreinu lechaim" and crying "no, please don't, because I can't live with this anymore". I wanted to serve Hashem, but it just used to be just too painful to wake up every morning. More than anything else, I don't want to be in that place again.
R' Guard - I seriously envy the olam haba you are getting for starting GYE. It's one of the best things that has ever happened to me, and I think a lot of people feel the same. Thank you.~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Important Announcement
Do you wish you could help GuardYourEyes financially but simply can't afford to make a monetary contribution?Introducing: The "I Got Stuff" Campaign
Courtesy of JbidsNow.com
If you have an old laptop, cell phone, Bluetooth, watch, MP3 player, audio CDs, printers, unwanted jewelry, leather gloves, a digital camera, office phones, and just about any other small item you might find on eBay, you may donate these items for sale for the benefit of Guard Your Eyes!Click here for more information
Every little bit counts!
Thank you and Tizke Lemitzvos!
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Three new moving songs by GYE's musical artist
Uri from Jerusalem!
My Shame
The Warrior
The Name Song
To download a Zip file of Uri's entire GYE Album (eight MP3 songs - along with their lyrics) Click Here. Note: Wait for the page to load and then click the link at the bottom called "Uri's Songs.Zip".~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Today I want to bring some inspiring posts from "Nezach" - an older Bochur who joined our forum about 6 weeks ago. His struggle and sincerity are surely shaking the heavens. Who can read these posts and not be inspired?Personal Victories
We Are Capable of Walking Away
By "Nezach"
Hello Everyone. I have been away on holiday and now I'm back!! And I have missed writing but have managed to read some of the recent Chizuk emails which I am grateful for.
My initial goal had been to reach 30 days, and now that I have managed the full month, the aim is to push for 40 days - which is achievable, b'ezrat Hashem.
Guys, it has been such a crazy past week I do not even know where to start (apart from having a great vacation, LOL). Please read the following as an initial post following some of the tests which have come my way over the past few days:
It was no coincidence that the apartment I was staying in was located in close proximity to certain types of clubs; there were people trying to hand out leaflets to invite me in! Although B"H my immediate response was to refuse (there was no desire even, as it is so morally low and we strive for dignity and truth), this has me thinking of the similarities to similar content on the internet. This was an objective approach to our situation, and once again strengthened my resolve and determination to be clean forever more. Boruch Hashem, the friends who were with me have strength and discipline in shemirat einayim and this was great chizuk for me as well.
Whilst this occurred several times, it did not end there. One morning I entered an area alone (without my friends), and I was presented with a point blank opportunity to sin! But without even having a thought or hesitation, I believe Hashem saved me as the word "No" almost surprised me. I said "bye" and walked straight out.
Again, there was no 'desire for lust', but my point here is not about my strengths etc. - but rather to point out that we are all capable of 'walking away' from a dangerous situation even without a fight!!
The challenges that I had to fight afterwards on these occasions, was not to have inappropriate thoughts or fantasies about 'what could have happened'. Hashem protected and saved me, and I am eternally grateful.
I am pleased that I have experienced personal growth and resolve, as even on the occasions when I would look at a women for a few seconds, my thoughts would return to Hashem, to Teshuvah and to my determination to break free and be clean.~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Attitude Tip of the Day
The King Wants you to Escape!
By "Nezach"
I just had a moment of weakness; a few minutes of teiva (desire for lust) that I have not properly had in quite a while.
Boruch Hashem I was successful, despite lowering my guard for a few minutes. The alarm bells were ringing and many thoughts and memories overwhelmed me with the feeling of not wanting to let down myself, those who care and love me, and also our dear members and supporters on the GYE forum.
I then re-discovered the 'Windows of the Soul' handbook; This is my favorite and is an awesome and beautiful resource to receive guidance and Divine assistance.
The next thing that was re-read was from the Attitude handbook: #22. "Catching ourselves as we begin to slip". Although I read this after my decision to turn away from any feelings and desire for lust, b'Ezrat Hashem I can relate to that which Yosef HaTzadik prayed for:
The Satan said to Yoseph: "Don't you see that you already messed everything up? Don't you realize what a goner you are? Your brothers hate you and sold you to Mitzrayim, nobody cares about you any more. You're lost and cut off from this world and the next. And now you've failed so badly. Face the facts, it's over!"
But Yoseph Hatzadik said "no! I don't care about anything - not even about being a Tzadik. The only thing that concerns me is: What do I need to do at this very moment? What does my Father in Heaven want from me right now?"
Elul is our opportunity to rejuvenate and change who we are. Rabbeinu Yonah mentions in Shaarei Teshuva that Elul should not be dark and frightening, but rather uplifting, joyful and exciting, as we renew our relationship with HKB"H.
A parable for Teshuvah is brought down about a group of prisoners who dug an escape route from the King's prison cell. When the prison guard discovered this, he found a lone prisoner who had not escaped and the guard slapped him round the face and abused him for his laziness or stupidity in not escaping.
Although we have sinned and are "imprisoned" in our iniquity (and maybe even sentenced to grave punishment c"v), Hashem knows that we have an escape route - Teshuva.
Elul is our chance to 'get out of jail free' although we need to make enormous efforts and resist against anything that is not in our nature as the children of Hashem.
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Saying of the DayInspired by "Hoping" - who got the idea from "Dov"
The difference between most people and a "lust-addict" is that for the addict, it's not the lust that's the problem, rather the lust is just a symptom.
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Quote of the Day
By Shmilu
"I'm slowly but surely replacing my addiction to lust with my addiction to this forum. Yup, I believe I'm officially a GYE addict".
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For those who find it hard to find the time to read through the GuardYourEyes Handbooks, we will try and bring an excerpt each day. In this way, everyone will have a chance to go through the handbooks over time. Currently, we are bringing daily excerpts from the GYE Handbook which presents 18 tools to breaking free of Lust addiction, in progressive order.
Daily excerpt from the GYE Handbook
(Right-click the link and press "Save Link/Target As" to download the e-Book)
Excerpt #5
Some Important Notes
Please help us spread the word about this handbook!
There are probably thousands of other religious Jews around the world who unfortunately struggle in these areas, suffering pain and shame in silence - sometimes for years! See Tool #12 of the handbook for a detailed example of how to prepare an e-mail which can be sent out to all the Jewish contacts in your address book, without anyone suspecting that you may struggle in this area yourself. The e-mail should simply contain links to the two GuardYourEyes Handbooks: the GuardYourEyes Handbook and the Attitude Handbook.
The Chovos Halevavos (Shar Ahavas Hashem, Perek 6) says:
"And you should know, my brother, that the merit of the believer, even should he reach the utmost completion in fixing his soul for blessed G-d, and even should he be close to the angels in their good traits and praiseworthy actions, and in the efforts they expend in their service of their creator, and in their pure love for Him, still do not reach the merits of someone who guides people onto the good path and steers the wicked to divine service. For his merits are doubled in relation to their merits, for all days and all times".
Imagine the merits you will accumulate if others are helped through you!
Aside from being useful for any individual who struggles with lust addiction, this handbook can also be helpful to Rabbis, Mechanchim, Mashgichim, therapists and community leaders by providing clear-cut tools and guidelines for helping others who struggle with this addiction. This issue has unfortunately reached epidemic proportions in the religious community today, mainly due to the privacy and accessibility of the internet. Help us spread the word to community leaders and to anyone who may be able to help others in this area.
In Today's Issue
- Mazal Tov to "7Up"! Let the Party Begin!
- Daily excerpts from the GYE Handbook: 6: Attitude & Perspective, Part 1
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A big Mazal Tov to "7Up" on reaching 90 days and joining the Wall of Hashem's Honor!
For those who are unfamiliar with the "family life" of our lively forum, "7Up" is not just a "another" member; she is a phenomenon in and of herself! In her short time with us, she was promoted to "Global Moderator"; has become known as the GYE Rebbitzin; and many of the younger members (like Uri and his "sisters"; Trying, Habib613 and Letakein) call her simply "Mom". She helped transform our forum into a lively, homely and fun place, besides offering priceless wisdom, wit and chizuk to inspire us all (not to mention cake, 7Up, and her favorite food - ice-cream!)...
Today's e-mail is in 7Up's honor, and we will bring some inspiring posts from her that we can all learn from.
Recently, she became so involved in the forum that it was holding her back in other areas of her life (what can you expect? as they say in AA: "once an addict, always an addict" :-). Her Rebbe suggested that she take a break from the forum for a few weeks, but we're sure she'll return soon. About a week ago, she wrote as follows:
To my dearest GYE family,
I had a meeting with my Rebbe yesterday; a wonderful and wise mechanech who was my teacher back in sem and with whom I've kept very close contact.
After hearing everything I had to share with him, he has advised me to take a break from the forum for a little while. This must be part of my cheshbon hanefesh.
I have no words to explain my emotions right now. The last 9 weeks, since joining GuardYourEyes have been probably amongst the most growth oriented in my life. I have gained friends who are really worthy of the name; honest neshamos searching and fighting second by second in order to get closer to their Father in Heaven. It has been an honor to be connected to everyone here on any level at all.
Girls, keep holding each other up. Two new "sisters" have joined, and the fun is just beginning. Through laughter you will beat the "menuval"; he is too busy looking for your tears.
IY"H I wont be gone for too long (as I think I will lose my mind).
May Elul be a time of introspection and growth, and may Hashem embrace your honest teshuva yet today.
With respect, gratitude, and love
7up
Meanwhile, 7Up's spirit remains with us and we have "inside information" that she continues to read the forum and the daily e-mails from behind the scenes (yes, we know you're reading this 7Up)...A few weeks ago, we created a special avatar for her on the forum:
In honor of her 90th day, we changed it now to this:
(symbolizing the GYE Rebbetzin)
(A special thanks to Mr. B for helping us find these great pictures!)
Please feel free to wish 7Up Mazal Tov on her thread over here.
Her thread was the fastest growing thread on the entire forum!
739 posts in just about 70 days!
739 is the Gematria of "Tishlot" meaning: "you shall be in control"(Coincidence? I think NOT)
Uri wrote a song in honor of 7Up's big day!
Click here to download the song and read the lyrics.
"Me3" suggested we pronounce today as:
"International 7Up Day"
"Letakein" thinks that we should change the GYE Logo to this:
(the guy on the tightrope is holding a bottle of 7up and some "Nok-out" Israeli ice-cream, in case you can't tell)
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Ok, so where did she get the strange name "7Up" from? Well, when she first joined us she called herself "7Yipol" in reference to the Pasuk "Seven times the tzadik falls (yipol) and gets up (ve'kum)". But after a short time with us, everyone insisted that she change her name to "7Up" (ve'Kum). And "get up" she did - taking us all with her!
As the Zohar says, the brightest light comes out of the darkest night, so I would like to bring her very first e-mail below. It was two days after Shavu'os on June 2, exactly 3 months ago from today. She wrote as follows:
Hi. I am desperate. The Yetzer Hara has been working overtime to destroy me! Please, please help me. I can't keep fighting any more. The only thing in my life of any real importance is a close relationship with my Tatte in Shamayim. The more I fall, the further I get from him. I'm dying of loneliness and have no where to turn. Married 24 years with 8 kids doesn't help, only makes the guilt worse.
I have been alone in gehenim for close to 30 years! I have often davened for Hashem to save me and take me from this world. All I want is the z'chus to 'sit on Hashem's lap', but because of my addiction, even this will be denied me when my time comes. I know for a fact that I will have a harsh olam ha'emes, which doesn't bother me. My pain stems from the shame I will rightfully suffer in front of all I admire, and most of all, the knowledge that Hashem is disappointed in me.
We established contact with her and sent her material to read. She proved to be a very quick learner (and reader!), and within a few short days she had read through most of our website, the two handbooks, and a host of other links that we sent her.
A few days after her initial contact (after countless e-mails back and forth), she wrote back as follows:
It's nothing short of a miracle. Two days after you wrote to me and listened to the pain in my heart, I took upon myself 90 hours clean; the theme of 90, but in a way I thought I could succeed without over reaching. Well, 90 hours has turned into day 6! I am aiming for a week, and after that hopefully for 10 days; baby steps to help me reach my goal.
I raced through all the reading material you sent me, as a drowning person grabbing 100 pieces of driftwood instead of just focusing on the one closest and most appropriate for his current needs. Now I hope to start re-reading and absorbing the messages one by one. I think you have sent me enough reading for at least 100 days to come ;-) I have no way to thank you.
After about 2 weeks of communication, we finally convinced her to join the "Women's Forum" (no, it wasn't easy). But after just one day on the forum, she posted:
Dear holy neshamos,
I have been on this forum for one short day, and the chizuk and love I've experienced is nothing short of amazing. I'd like to share a few thoughts which are running through my head at this crazy hour of 2am.
All I keep repeating is "Mi K'amcha Yisrael"! For the first time in 30 years, I find myself actually thanking Hakadosh Baruch Hu for this addiction! In a mere 2 weeks (Guard was stuck with me till I joined you all) I have grown more through what I previously perceived as a curse, than all the clear brachos combined.
I see so clearly the difference between goyim and frum Yidden. Goyim are also fighting this terrible epidemic called lust, also filling the SA and SLAA groups in unprecidented numbers. But they are trying to beat it for very different reasons than we. True, we all (them and us) want it to stop taking over our lives, marriages, money and self respect. We all want to stop hiding in 'dark corners' and living double lives.
But I think that's where the similarity ends. They want it to stop ruining their olam hazeh (this world). We want it to stop ruining our olam ha'emes (World of Truth). To us, nothing is more important than our connection to Hashem.
I have no words to thank you all for the chizuk.
May we all be zoche to see Hashem's chesed clearly, because everything He does is for the good, we just don't always sense it.~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Below are another few inspiring "random" posts from 7Up:I've been an addict for close to 30 years! I've been working and battling this for at least 20 - alone. The difference is that NOW, I will succeed. Hashem has been helping me all along, but NOW, I have all you guys too. AND THAT WILL MAKE ALL THE DIFFERENCE. The seeds have been sown a long time, but GYE will be the water after 30 years of drought.
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Hashem is so good to me! I could not do this on my own will or power! I tried so many times and failed. Today Hashem is holding my hand and I feel His love like never before! I don't know about you, but to me, feeling His hand holding and love makes this whole nisayon worth it. Really.
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Talking to my Tatte in Shamayim is something I do every second of my day. We 'shmooze' while I'm cooking, crossing the street or even yelling at the kids! I thank Him when I make the bus, and when I miss it too. In short, Hashem is my best friend, Father and Teacher. Not only does He know everything anyway, but He knows me much better than I will ever know myself.
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NOTHING is more important to me than Ratzon Hashem. Daily, I daven with all my heart that I should be a source of a kiddush Hashem and for the chance to grow closer. I would do ANYTHING to reach this goal. Even giving up all physical pleasure on every level forever, would be a small sacrifice towards that goal.
Well, it's not for nothing she earned the title "GYE Rebbetzin"!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~For those who find it hard to find the time to read through the GuardYourEyes Handbooks, we will try and bring an excerpt each day. In this way, everyone will have a chance to go through the handbooks over time. Currently, we are bringing daily excerpts from the GYE Handbook which presents 18 tools to breaking free of Lust addiction, in progressive order.
Daily excerpt from the GYE Handbook
(Right-click the link and press "Save Link/Target As" to download the e-Book)
Excerpt #6
Tool #1: Attitude & Perspective
Part 1
Having the proper perspective and attitude on this struggle can make all the difference. Often people write in to us saying that had they only known the proper perspective and attitude guidelines that we discuss on our website when they were younger, they would have never fallen into the addiction in the first place!
We created a PDF booklet called "The GuardYourEyes Attitude", which is a collection of what we in the GYE community feel are some of the most important "Attitude" principles in this struggle.
The "Attitude" handbook can be a cornerstone tool in our struggle. (It may be helpful to make a day-by-day program to read one of the principles of the Attitude Handbook each day, and try to internalize the message).
Not only can the proper perspective help us in the struggle, but often, various misconceptions that we had about the struggle contribute to the underlying reasons that we act out in the first place. For example, one Bochur who was making a push for purity contacted us after a few days and wrote:
The initial enthusiasm has kind of worn off and my Yetzer Hara keeps telling me that it's not so bad, so why not? I can't keep up the spiritual enthusiasm for very long, and I don't see how I can possibly hold out much longer.
We sent him some of the sections from the "Attitude Handbook" and the next day he wrote back:
Thanks so much! It helped tremendously and seems to have done the trick! It makes me see this whole process in a completely different light. Instead on focusing on how depressing the struggle can be, I should be happy that I am "zoche" to have been given the opportunity for such great spiritual growth. Also, as you mentioned there, it is likely that this is part of my main mission in this world. And not everyone is so lucky to know what his personal Avoda is! And the fact that every little bit counts even if we end up falling, and also that we shouldn't focus on staying clean forever but rather only "one day at a time". I must say, that for the first time in years I feel there's real hope and I am actually looking forward to change!
This is just one example of how a simple change in attitudes can make all the difference.
Therefore, it is vital that the proper perspective accompany us on our journey to recovery, from day one and throughout all the practical steps we take (as outlined in this handbook below). With the proper attitude, we can succeed in learning to control the addiction in a much shorter time frame, with far less steps, and in a much easier and more pleasant manner than otherwise.
In Today's Issue
- "What did I learn that I didn't know before?" Boruch shares experience
- Saying of the Day: Shorthand for Steps 1, 2 & 3
- Practical Tip of the Day: Talk with someone real!
- Quote of the Day: Strength in Powerlessness
- Daily excerpts from the GYE Handbook: 7: Attitude & Perspective, Part 2
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~ What did I find on GYE and in the 12-Steps that I couldn't get from Mussar? ~
By "Boruch" - moderator of the "Back to basics" 12-Step phone conference
(and a Talmid Chacham too!)
"How can I make this Ellul different from every other Ellul?"
(Part 1)I was addicted to sexual thoughts, fantasy, pornography and masturbation. Every year, Ellul after Ellul, I would launch a full scale attack on my addiction, But sooner or later year after year, I fell and failed.
There were times I stopped in Ellul and did not even make it through Ellul. I would stop again for Rosh Hashana and sometimes not make it through aseres yemei teshuva to Yom Kippur. I would stop on Yom Kippur and not make it through Sukkos. Sometimes I did not even start getting stopped until Rosh Hashana came around. Sometimes I held out from sometime in Ellul for a month or even a little more. But one way or another, come Rosh Chodesh Cheshvan, I was back again to my addiction as if Ellul had never come.
I had tried mussar seforim; Shaarei Teshuva, Chovos Halevovos, Maalos Hamiddos, Orchos Tzaddikim, Sefer Charedim, Mesilas Yeshorim, Yesod Veshoresh Ho'avoda, Nefesh HaChaim, Cheshbon Hanefesh and Sifrei Maharal. I learned these seforim with absolute desperation and determination and tried to implement them and follow their instructions, but I always failed to get anything that would last beyond Rosh Chodesh Cheshvan. I listened to Rav Avigdor Miller's tapes and learned his seforim. I had a Rebbe who gave excellent mussar and I almost never missed any of his Shiurim. I cried out to Hashem every Rosh Hashana and Yom Kippur and I was absolutely determined to make that year the last of my addiction, but all to no apparent avail.
Then on January 20th of this year I posted my Teshuva here on GYE. Bechasdei Hashem, I have been sexually sober, one day at a time, since then. What did I find in GYE that I did not find in all the mussar seforim?
Even more puzzling, 10 days after I joined GYE, I joined a face to face meeting of Sexaholics Anonymous (SA). It was there that I discovered not just how to avoid pornography and masturbation, but how to recover from fantasy and lust to the extent that on a daily basis they no longer interest me at all.
And through SA's 12-Step program I was introduced to Overeaters Anonymous (OA) and was able to lose 40 lb in 4 months. I was also introduced to Debtors Anonymous (DA) and today, for the first time in over 20 years of marriage, my wife and I have stopped borrowing money. We have a monthly spending plan that is in the Black for already three months, and we have stopped incurring overdraft fees after having racked up over a thousand dollars in overdraft fees in the year before we began our recovery.
What did I find through SA, OA and DA that I did not find in all the mussar seforim?
Looking back, I now realize that what I had found through GYE, SA, OA and DA was everything I had learned in the mussar seforim! But somehow, I had been unable to get it to work against my addiction. So why did it take GYE, SA, OA and DA for me to discover it?
The question of "Torah vs Steps" has been much discussed on this forum. At certain points I have added my own two cents to those discussions. I now believe though, from my own experience and from my experience working with other Frum Jews, that there is no "Torah vs Steps" at all.
Rav Avigdor Miller Zt"l was once asked whether it was OK to read Dale Carnegie's "How to win friends and influence people". He asked in return whether it was OK to read a Driver's manual.
Alcoholics Anonymous is not about morality: it is about recovery. It is about what works to keep the alcoholic sober.
If so, how does religion get involved? The answer appears frequently in AA literature. AA says that selfishness and self-centered behavior is what condemns the addict to relapse. Most people are neither 100% selfish nor 100% idealistic. Most people are somewhere in between. An addict, however, who indulges in outright selfishness, even if only some of the time, will, sooner or later, as much as most of the time he knows that he absolutely cannot afford to relapse, in a moment of emotional pain and crisis, he will be unable to distinguish true from false and he will go right back to his drug and relapse totally. That is the problem of addiction.
What is AA's solution? The addict must avoid selfishness at all costs and instead of looking to satisfy his own self-will he must constantly seek G-d's will. That way, crisis or no crisis, he will never get confused and "drink" again. One thing the addict knows -once he has accepted AA's prescription - is that G-d does not want addicts to go back to their drug. If an addict wants to recover he must constantly seek G-d's will. Of-course "constantly seeking G-d's will" is very religious, that's what the Mesilas Yeshorim in Perek 18 calls Chasidus. And that's where AA is religious.
How about selfishness for the non-alcoholic? Just like drinking for the non-alcoholic is no concern of AA, so too with selfishness. Most non-alcoholics will take a few drinks and then stop and nothing terrible will happen. So too with selfishness. Most people are disciplined and trained to some extent. Even in their more selfish moments, non-alcoholics will generally behave within reason, and even if in selfish moments they behave badly, they will not spin out of control in a self-destructive cycle. As long as these non-addicts can use their more idealistic moments to improve, they can become very religious and very good people.
Not so the addict. The experience of millions of addicts who have adopted the AA program is that living with selfishness - even part of the time, is a recipe for certain relapse and assured disaster. The experience of millions of addicts is that recovery can only be achieved by shifting to G-d's will instead of self-will.
That has nothing to do with religion. It is simply a fact of addiction and recovery. And that's a fact that I never knew when I learned the musar seforim. Yes, I knew all about Chasidus of the Mesilas Yeshorim. But I always thought that before I worry about Chasidus in perek 18 of Mesilas Yeshorim I first have to get Zehirus in perek 2 of Mesilas Yeshorim and avoid the outright aveiros I am doing in my addiction. Meanwhile, I was still operating on selfishness and I was doomed to relapse repeatedly. And all the while I was thinking, "First things first; first keep Shulchan Oruch, then get to midas Chasidus". I never realized that was all very true and fine for the non-addict, but for the addict it was a sentence to a lifetime of addiction.
Until - bechasdei Hashem - I found the AA program which taught me that if I wanted to avoid relapse, for practical purposes, I have to replace self-will with G-d's will. In teaching me that key fact, the AA/SA program is exactly like a Driver's manual or a Carnegie book. It is information about addiction, not opinion on religion.
So this Ellul I know that in order to keep from addiction I have to especially focus on what the musar seforim say about Chasidus. If I am not being mamlich Hashem (making Hashem king) to the utmost of my ability today, I am in danger of relapse. That's a preparation to Rosh Hashana and a kabolas ol malchus shomayim that I never knew would not only save me from my addiction - but give me the potential to become the oved Hashem (divine servant) that I always wanted to be.
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Saying of the Day
By "Dov"
Steps 1, 2 and 3 (of the 12 Steps) in short:
"I can't, He can, so I'll do whatever it takes to get out of the way and let Him!"
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Practical Tip of the Day
Uri posted on the forum to some of his fellow strugglers:You guys should exchange phone numbers. I have several guys from the forum that I talk to by phone, and it makes a humongous difference in my struggle just to have someone I can call anytime when I'm buggin out.
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Quote of the Day
By "On the Road"Although we are not responsible for our addiction, we are responsible for the cure. But how can this be? Its not fair! We need to take it to the one who gave us the problem and begin with turning our fight over to Him. He wants us to be responsible for the cure, but the cure is not battling addiction and beating our heads against a wall. It's simply recognizing that He created us powerless and wants us to realize that we are powerless. And in that we find our strength.
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For those who find it hard to find the time to read through the GuardYourEyes Handbooks, we will try and bring an excerpt each day. In this way, everyone will have a chance to go through the handbooks over time. Currently, we are bringing daily excerpts from the GYE Handbook which presents 18 tools to breaking free of Lust addiction, in progressive order.
Daily excerpt from the GYE Handbook
(Right-click the link and press "Save Link/Target As" to download the e-Book)
Excerpt #7
Tool #1: Attitude & Perspective
Part 2
Aside from the many important principles presented in the "Attitude Handbook", here are some other great steps we can take to continue learning and refining our perspective on this struggle every day:
- We can Sign up and receive the daily Chizuk e-mails. THIS IS VERY IMPORTANT.
- We can read through the archives of previous Chizuk e-mails sent out.
- We can read through the incredible Chizuk that is posted on the forum every day!
- We can read through the "Mind Tips" and the "Attitude" section of our old website, as well as on the new blog-site.
- We can read through the tips of fellow strugglers on our website.
- We can listen to this wonderful shiur from R' Yisrael Reisman Shlit"a, which provides some excellent perspective on this struggle.
- We can Download here a PDF file translated by GYE from a Hebrew book called "The First Day of the Rest of My Life", written by a religious addict with the purpose of helping people break free from Lust addiction.
If we read some of the above every day, even a little bit, we will quickly be swept up by the spirit of the GuardYourEyes community and will rapidly internalize many of the Yesodos that will help us maintain the proper attitude and perspective on this struggle throughout our journey.
In Today's Issue
- Skipping Straight to Chassidus: Boruch shares experience (Part 2)
- Saying of the Day: "My worst days when trying..."
- Practical Tip of the Day: Daven for them!
- Quote of the Day: My Shooting Instructor
- Daily excerpts from the GYE Handbook: 8: Guard Your Eyes, Part 1
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~ Skipping Straight to Chassidus ~
By "Boruch" - moderator of the "Back to basics" 12-Step phone conference
(and a Talmid Chacham too!)
"How can I make this Ellul different from every other Ellul?"
(Part 2)In yesterday's Chizuk e-mail (#573 above) we brought an insightful post from "Boruch" describing how every year he would make a push for purity in Elul, only to quickly fall backwards again. Boruch spelled out for us how this year's Elul is different for him, ever since the 12-Steps have taught him how to be Mamlich Hashem (make Hashem King) in his heart.
"ClearEyes" answered Boruch (on yesterday's post) as follows:
Boruch - great post. You have tremendous insight with this addiction. Please share with us some more!!!
I had the same Elul experiences as long as I can remember. Sometimes I would start earlier, sometimes later. Fall before Rosh Hashanna, after Rosh Hashanna, before Yom Kipper. I don't know if I ever made it to Sukkos. But this Elul is already different. Why? Because I have GYE. My Elul is already different. But the real answer to your question is another question. "How can I make this Tishrei different than every other Tishrei?" (Isn't that the point of Elul?) We need to stick with the cure. I guarantee anyone who stays with GYE through Tishrei past Yom Kippur will experience the Elul they always wanted - and more importantly - have the year and become the person they always wanted!!
Hatzlacha to all. Let's all do this together and elevate this experience to an even higher level. - Kisei Hakovod, here we come!!!!!!Boruch replies:
Cleareyes, Thank you for your kind words of chizzuk. The truth is that there is more. The single yesod of the whole AA/SA program is replacing self-will with G-d's will. But the question becomes, "how do we make that happen?"
One possibility would be, for example, working the sefer Mesilas Yeshorim from the hakdama (introduction), through perakim 1-18. But there is a serious problem with that:
The Mesilas Yeshorim writes that while everyone can get to Nekiyus (cleanliness from sin), Perishus - (separation from this world) is not for everyone, and never mind Chasidus (a high level of divine awareness and piety). And he was writing for the Yidden of his generation who were far more pious than the Yidden in ours.
And even more problematically, he was writing for non-addicts. Perishus (separation) on anything - can be an almost insurmountable challenge for any addict. An addict in active addiction is often in "instant-gratification mode" on all enjoyments, even those to which he is not fully addicted. So if Perishus is difficult for the non-addict, it is not too hard to imagine how difficult it would be for an addict. For all but a select few, it is probably close to impossible for the addict to use Mesilas Yeshorim to get to Chasidus. But herein lies the problem. And addict needs Chassidus to stay sober (Chasidus is the idea of replacing self-will with G-d's will).
So what we addicts would really need, is a crash course on the Chasidus of the Mesilas Yeshorim for addicts. This may sound slightly similar to the goal of the Chasidus of the Baal Shem Tov, which was to have a basic form of Chasidus that works even for the most simple Jew. The problem is, we need a Chasidus that is both a practical program of action for the body and also a program of changing our way of thinking for the soul, in which the main idea would be to internalize the simple and essential "All for the Boss". And this program has to be something that even an addict could implement.
When I first came onto GYE back in January of this year, I was working with Rabbenu Yona Shaarei Teshuva and various maamorei Chazal. At that point I was flying totally blind on both what to stop (I thought I needed to stop the pornography and masturbation but had no concept that the real addiction was "the lust") and how to stop (I thought it was all about determination and willpower). I did not even have the first understanding of addiction itself. All I knew was that I had used everything at my disposal that I knew of, and that I was desperately praying that I should succeed in remaining clean for life.
Today I have come to believe that Hashem saw how clueless I was and He saw that somewhere within me there was a "pintele Yid" trying to return to his Father in Heaven. I have come to believe that in his great mercy and kindness, He chose me, not because I deserve it but because He had mercy on me, to allow me to put the 36 years of my addiction to good use by sharing my story with others.
I have come to believe that is also why He directed me in a miraculous way (with multiple "coincidences") to a very specific SA group that was at a very specific period of their growth, which enabled me to share a system of adopting a very simple, practical and basic level of Chasidus - so simple and basic that even a non-Jewish drunk could get started within just 4 weeks. No previous religious background, knowledge or idealism is required, no prior Emunah (faith) is required, in fact nothing at all is required except for a determination to go to any length to get sober.
And even greater than the kindness that Hashem has done for my eating and financial problems, and even more critical to my recovery, is this ability Hashem gave me to share with fellow addicts a foolproof system for addiction-free living that takes nothing more than a readiness to do whatever it takes. That's what I got from the 12 Steps of SA.
The system Boruch found is called "Back to Basics; 12-Steps in 4 weeks", and today Boruch moderates an anonymous phone conference group here on GYE twice a week, for a group of religious guys just like you! See this page for info on how to join. (You can still catch this Sunday's call!)
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Saying of the Day
By "Momo"
"After my latest binge, I realized that my worst days when trying are nowhere as bad as my 'normal' days when not trying"
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Practical Tip of the Day
"It works for me - and I need to be free!"
By "Dov"I believe in very few "rules" and directives. If whatever I'm already doing isn't working (and I had >15 years of that craziness), I try something else. If that works, I keep it in my pocket for the next time and share it with others.
Here's one example of what works for me. If I have a strong temptation to take an intentional look at someone, or if they come back into my mind later on, I daven for them. For me, it works every time, especially when it really hurts inside. It usually takes one or two doses of prayer and their image completely loses its power over me.
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Quote of the Day
My Shooting Instructor
By "Kanesher"Direct anger and frustration at the addiction and use that energy for recovery.
My shooting instructor once told me, "there are people in this world who need to be shot. When that time comes, you want to be able to help them".
We owe him. Now it's your bullet. For every smashed dream, for every moment of guilt, disgust, fear... we owe him a blood debt, one that we won't forget. Every time we say no, every time we help someone else say no - it's payback time.~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
For those who find it hard to find the time to read through the GuardYourEyes Handbooks, we will try and bring an excerpt each day. In this way, everyone will have a chance to go through the handbooks over time. Currently, we are bringing daily excerpts from the GYE Handbook, which presents 18 tools to breaking free of Lust addiction in progressive order.
Daily excerpt from the GYE Handbook
(Right-click the link and press "Save Link/Target As" to download the e-Book)
Excerpt #8
Tool #2: Guard Your Eyes
Part 1
It is not for nothing that our network is called "GuardYourEyes". Aside from having the proper attitude in this struggle - as discussed above, the most obvious practical step to conquering lust addiction is learning to guard our eyes. This is the cornerstone of breaking free, and it's obvious why: We can't lust for that which we don't see. When we guard our eyes, it's like we are avoiding the wrestling rink where the mighty Yetzer Hara is waiting to beat us up. If we simply don't enter the rink, he can't touch us!
And conversely, it is impossible to even begin to heal from lust addiction if we continue to be bombarded with triggers at every turn. As Lust Addicts, our minds have become accustomed to lusting. We can not gaze at stimulating imagery and expect not to be triggered. We cannot have it all within hands reach and expect to be strong enough to stay away. We have grown addicted to the chemical rush in our mind that the Lust brings on, much in the same way that an alcoholic craves his bottle. Therefore, if we are to break the addictive cycle, we must first keep lust at a distance to be able to begin our journey to recovery.
And one of the first things that this entails is installing a strong internet filter.
Internet Filters
The GuardUrEyes.com website has an entire section with filter options, ranging from "server" or "client" based, free or commercial, Jewish or non-Jewish. There is something there to meet anyone's needs. On our website, we can also learn about how the different types of filters work and what the terms mean, such as "server based", "client based", "white-list", "blacklist" etc...
If you're looking for a free relatively solid and simple-to-use filter, we recommend K9. However, it is imperative that someone else's e-mail address be used in the installation, so the password cannot be easily requested. For a step by step guide on how to do this correctly and efficiently see here (Important: read also the comments at the bottom of the page). If we must have completely open internet access for our work, we can still download accountability software where e-mails are sent to a partner who will see all the questionable pages that we may have browsed.
If our internet filter does not block all questionable sites, we must carefully consider our motivation for every site we visit. We must begin to recognize the sly voice of our addiction. If it's a news site, we need to consider why we want to read certain articles. If it's because the site or article discusses inappropriate topics (fashion, celebrities, or "news items" relating to immoral behavior), or even if it might discuss them and the Yetzer Hara (read: addiction) wants us to find out for sure, then we must learn to hold back and not click the links. In general, it is important to limit the amount of sites we visit to a small list and question anytime we feel the need to visit a site that is not on the list.
In Today's Issue
- From Uri's Diary - Part 1: "Tapping in to the REAL US"
- From Uri's Diary - Part 2: "Hashem or Bust"
- Response to Uri: From "7Up"
- Response to Uri: From "Battleworn"
- Saying of the Day: By "ClearEyes"
- Quote of the Day: By "Hoping"
- Daily excerpts from the GYE Handbook: 9: Guard Your Eyes, Part 2
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Today I want to bring some awesome posts from the diary of Uri in Jerusalem. There is so much we can learn about Teshuvah in Elul from this young boy.
Uri Uri, Shir Dabeiri! - Awake Awake, Sing a Song!"Tapping in to the REAL US"
On Motzai Shabbos Uri posted on the forum:
I dragged myself to shul Friday night, after not having been or shul or having davened in around 4 days.
I went to a shul that I'm rarely at, in the hope of no one bothering me.
I sat in the corner and listened to sounds of Yedid Nefesh and I closed my eyes and tried somehow to connect to the beautiful song even though I was not in that place.
After a minute though, I started getting lost in the moving tune and in the words of longing for Hashem.
Tears started welling up when I felt an arm on my shoulder.
I looked up to see the Gabai standing over me. He's a family friend.
I knew what he wanted right away.
"No. I'm sorry, but I'd rather not daven this week".
He gave me a pleading look. I knew from times past that it's hard to find a chazzan in a shul such as this. It's mostly older Americans who are of the Young Israel type.
I finally nodded my consent. He smiled and walked off.
"What's going on here? G-d, do you fancy yourself a comedian? Out of all the possible weeks, why this one?! I haven't davened in almost a week. I am just 2 days after a crazy marathon of sin, and I am not feeling in the least inspired".
But I do take Kabbalos Shabbos pretty seriously. It used to be my favorite time of the whole week. And I believe that anyone who leads the Tzibbur has to really be sincere and in touch with Hashem and the moment.
So I dug deep down, looking for that part of me which I know is there somewhere, but is at times (especially now) really hard to find and connect to.
I took the tallis that the Gabai handed me and got up to the bimah.
I looked down at the siddur. Such beautiful words.
I opened my mouth "Lechu Neranena Lashem..."
I was off.
It was the most beautiful davening I have had in a long long time.
I have never seen a congregation get so into it.
Here we were, all joined together in the song of the Shabbos - that I thought I might never feel again.
I thought the shul would lift into the air and fly directly to shamayim as we sang the holy song of "Lecha Dodi".
By the time we got to Shema, I could swear I felt the walls shaking.
People were mamash yelling "SHEMA YISRAEL!"
It was gevaldig, my friends.
After davening, people were coming over to me left and right.
One guy told me that now he felt he could have a real shabbos.
I think they were exaggerating a bit, but I got the message.
Ok, so I've been down. I've been really down.
But there is a part of me that is connected to Hashem and will always be connected no matter what.
And if I can only learn to tap into that part, life will be a very different experience.
I never realized that I can bring up that part even when I'm not "feeling it".
That's one of the lessons I learned from this Friday night.~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Hashem or BUST!
Uri posted on Sunday Morning:
I had a very long and difficult night.
I had a very long and difficult week.
I've been in a very bad emotional state and I'm not really sure how to get out of it.
Anything you guys want to suggest, I will have already tried. Thank you, though.
Last night I fell.
I had really really wanted to go for the 90 days this time.
I was inspired by Mom's (7Up) attainment of 90 days last week, and I had hoped to use that inspiration to do so myself as well.
I barely made it to 3 days.
But I took a shower, put on a fresh pair of clothes, grabbed my tefillin (first I had to look for them, I haven't seen them in a couple of days) and I headed out to the Kosel.
As I stood there wrapping my tefillin on my arm, I felt like such an idiot.
"Who the heck do I think I am?! I was just in a world of tumah and znus and wasted my life for enjoyment! What am I doing here?"
As that thought crossed my mind, I had a picture of Hashem pushing me away.
"Get out of here", He was saying, "I don't need you to daven to Me".
I was feeling pretty stupid when I remembered something that happened to me last week.
I came home from yeshiva exhausted and depressed.
My little 5 year old sister ran over, shrieking for a hug.
"Not right now. I'm so tired. I'll play with you later".
But to my surprise, she again reached for a hug.
I said, "not right now, my arms are full, and I'm really tired and not feeling well."
I was speaking gently but firmly.
But she kept persisting. "Uri, pick me up. Hold me". She was begging.
I was so moved that I put down my bags and reached down to pick her up and hugged her with all the love that I possessed. I couldn't stop kissing her.
This memory flashed through my mind as I stood there in my tefillin in front of the Wall, as the sun was beginning to rise.
And I said to Hashem, "Listen. I don't know if you want me to talk to you or not. You're probably sick of me by now, and You are trying to get me to go away. But no matter how hard you push, I will keep reaching for You. You can't get rid of me, not You, not the Yetzer Hara, not the Satan, no one. I will not stop reaching for you to hold me."
And with that, I davened Shacharis.
I davened for all of us at GYE and I thought of a few specific strugglers that I know are having quite a painful and difficult time. And I cried.
And I thought of myself.
"Hashem, I just want to be good".
"I just want to learn without going crazy inside".
"I want to be able to daven without feeling this deep guilt".
"I want to be a holy home among klal yisrael".
"I want to have a pure marriage".
"I don't want this anymore".
And I cried.~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Later Uri contacted "Mom" (7Up, the GYE Rebbetzin) and poured out his heart and pain, feeling that Hashem had abandoned him by letting him fall. She replied:
Dear Uri, I'm crying as I write this. I read your thread and tears of pain and pride are trickling down my cheek right now. If only you knew how special you are!
To be honest, I'm not sure why you feel Hashem has abandoned you again. Didn't you just have a Kabbalas Shabbos in shamayim itself? Didn't you get to daven at the Kosel? Didn't you get to open your heart to the only one who can really hear its pain? Just because he didn't answer immediately doesn't mean He didn't listen. Only a child demands and expects immediate gratification. And Uri, you are no longer a child. You need to learn acceptance and patience; both for yourself and for others. But MOSTLY, for yourself....
Hasn't Hashem sent you His most precious messengers to hold your hand through these great tests? Are GYE members anything less than human angels? My dear Uri, what are you expecting exactly; that the kisei hakavod itself come down and plonk itself in your living room? OPEN YOUR EYES; Hashem's hugs are there. He loves you; We love you. Now all we need is for YOU to love YOU!!!!!!!!~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Battleworn" wrote a beautiful heartfelt response to Uri on the forum:
Holy Uri, you outdid yourself this time. What you said to Hashem by the Kosel is by far the greatest and most powerful form of Teshuva and Teffila! The Gemarah says that the king Menasheh was such a terrible rashah that he really couldn't do Teshuva anymore according to the normal rules. But when he did teshuva ANYWAY, Hashem "dug a tunnel" for him to return through. In other words, this kind of attitude - that "I don't care about anything; I want Hashem or BUST", has the power to create a new reality that didn't exist before.
In fact, R' Tzadok (Tzdkas Hatzadik 46) says that this is the avodah of our generation (the last one before Moshiach). He says that this is the deeper meaning of what Chazal say, that in the last generation "Chutzpa Yasgi - Brazenness will increase"- that even when Hashem pushes us away, we still insist on coming close. That is THE way to bring Moshiach, and it's thoroughly amazing to see it happening in such a perfect way!!!
Dearest Uri, all those guys that are learning their heads off in Yeshiva getting ready for Rosh Hashonah, they're great - Hashem loves them - they're doing wonderful things, and kol hakovod to them. But it's people like YOU that Moshiach has been waiting for. PEOPLE WHO FIND HASHEM IN THE DARKEST OF THE DARK; PEOPLE WHO AFTER BEING ROBBED OF ALL THEIR KEDUSHA AND THROWN IN TO THE VERY DEPTHS OF TUMAH UNTIL THEY CAN'T EVEN GET THEMSELVES TO PUT ON TEFILIN, THEY JUST WON'T GIVE UP! THEY JUST WON'T BUDGE! AND THEY SAY: "No matter how hard you push, I will keep reaching for You. You can't get rid of me, not You, not the Yetzer Hara, not the Satan, no one. I will not stop reaching for you to hold me."
Uri, I'm so full of awe and emotion, that I can't even think straight anymore....~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Saying of the Day
By "ClearEyes""One really tough Sunday afternoon is worth more than 10 regular days for your growth and in separating yourself from this addiction."
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Quote of the Day
By "Hoping""I started here just a few months ago, after 20 years of addiction. I too thought this was just another "strategy" in the long list of strategies that I have tried. Obviously, they all failed. But you will see, GYE is not only about strategy. We can all get real recovery here. YOU CAN GET BETTER!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~For those who find it hard to find the time to read through the GuardYourEyes Handbooks, we will try and bring an excerpt each day. In this way, everyone will have a chance to go through the handbooks over time. Currently, we are bringing daily excerpts from the GYE Handbook, which presents 18 tools to breaking free of Lust addiction in progressive order.
Daily excerpt from the GYE Handbook
(Right-click the link and press "Save Link/Target As" to download the e-Book)
Excerpt #9
Tool #2: Guard Your Eyes
Part 2
In healing from this addiction, we need to learn to be very honest with ourselves. If we find that we can't control our surfing habits, we need to admit it and make stronger fences (see the next tool - #3), such as getting a better filter or setting the current filter's settings to a higher protection level.
We highly suggest getting solid internet filters that block any questionable sites. The best type of filters are Jewish server-based filters like Jnet, Koshernet, Yeshivanet and Internet Rimon (in Israel). And of course, the best level of protection is "White-list", which means that all sites are blocked except for specific sites that we can ask the company to open for us (or sites that the company has already checked and white-listed). If the "white-list" option is impossible for us for Parnassa related reasons, the filter should at least be set to the highest protection setting that we can afford to use, even if that means less entertainment.
It is important to realize though, that the goal of the filter is only to keep it "out of sight and out of mind". It is not going to remove the possibility of accessing indecent material altogether. If a person is determined enough, they will often be able to find ways to bypass filters, and even if not, they will always be able to find many other venues to access inappropriate material. Ultimately, the change must come from within, with a sincere desire to stop lusting. (See the "Attitude Handbook" for more on how to achieve this sincerity).
The filter acts mainly as a "heker" (a reminder), similar in a sense to what our Sages tell us about Palti ben Layish (to whom Shaul Hamelech gave over David's wife). Palti was alone every evening with Michal (who Chazal tell us was one of the most beautiful women) and yet he never stumbled because of a sword that he placed between the two of them, saying that whoever bypasses this sword should be run through by it. The filter is like our sword, it is our "heker". But it will not stop us completely unless we want it to. However, since it can take a long time until we learn to genuinely give up our lust to Hashem, we must have a strong filter at all times. For if we don't get it out of reach, we won't be able to stop the vicious cycle of addiction and begin the healing process.
Another great way to make sure we guard our eyes online is to place the computer in a highly visible area of the house such as the living room, and to also make sure never to use the internet when alone in the house.
In any event, it is best for us - if possible - to avoid all non-Jewish news and entertainment sites (and the like). See our Kosher Isle for lists of Kosher news and entertainment sites that can provide us with more than our daily dosage of news and distractions.
In Today's Issue
- Mazal Tov to Jack: One Year Clean!
- A New e-Book on Shmiras Habris: "Hands-Off"
- Poem of the Day: "I Fell"
- Quote of the Day: Rav Avigdor Miller zt"l
- Daily Dose of Dov: "I'm Just Hashem's Kid"
- Daily excerpts from the GYE Handbook: 10: Guard Your Eyes, Part 3
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A Big Mazal Tov to Jack on One Year Clean!Jack wrote me an e-mail:
Dear guardureyes, yesterday was my one-year anniversary on GYE. What is a birthday for if not for reflecting on the past year? Have we grown? Are we the same as we were last year? Well, for 38 years straight, I was the same every year, YEAR IN AND YEAR OUT. On Yom Kippur, the bracha says, 'umavir ashmosainu bichol shana v'shana'- which means G-d wipes out our sins every year. Well, until I found GYE, I was asking every year for Him to wipe out my sins. This year, for the first time in my life, I DO NOT HAVE TO ASK HIM TO WIPE OUT THIS SIN, BECAUSE I DIDN'T GO TO THAT PLACE EVEN ONCE. Of course, I still need help on my OTHER sins, which are many. But, at least, on this one particular sin, He can rest this year :-) So, thank you, thank you, and thank you again for doing this tremendous, tremendous tova for the Jewish world. May Hashem grant you and your family and friends and all who are dependent on you, much bracha and continued hatzlacha with your holy, holy work.To see Jack's inspiring log from his first 90 days click here
If Jack can do it, we ALL can!
Jack suffers from so many things, low self esteem, anxiety, abusive childhood, fear and constant pain (from a burst appendix in his youth which never fully healed), and he was heavily addicted for 38 years! Jack is mechayev (obligates) us all.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~"Hands-Off"
A PDF e-Book on Shmiras Habris
Someone recently sent us an e-Book on Shmiras Habris with tips on staying clean, which he called "Hands-Off". Click here to download the PDF (right-click and choose "Save Target/link As"). Here is what he wrote to us:
Shalom Aleichem, A friend of mine just sent me the link to your site. What a great implementation of a wonderful idea! B"H, I have been "clean" for over 3 years and in fact, a friend asked me how I have managed this and I proceeded to write him a pamphlet on attitudes, safeguards, kavanos, etc. Another friend has asked for it as well, so I refined it now (as the first was written quickly on torn notebook paper). I believe that what I wrote was very helpful; at least it was for my friend. Please feel free to share it with others.~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Poem of the Day
A moving poem by "TrYiNg"