Tuesday  ~  21 Kislev, 5770  ~  December 8, 2009

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In Today's Issue

• Battle Communication: Loneliness
• Battle Communication 2: Loneliness - and - Davening
• Daily Dose of Dov: Davening - and - Being Happy that we're Sober!
• Testimonial of the Day: Being Happy that we're Sober!
• Link of the Day: Sunday Morning Agudah Convention - Streaming Video
• Q & A of the Day: Double Life

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Battle Communication

On "Loneliness"

"SilentBattle" writes on the forum:

Most of my friends are married and/or living in a different state/country. This is a major part of my problem. Honestly, the reason I got involved in the aveiros I did was because I needed to feel like I was connecting to something; I wanted to feel less alone.

And that's part of the reason that GYE helps me - I feel like I'm part of something, a group of friends... I get support - and can give it as well. Thank you!

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More on "Loneliness"
- and on -
"Davening"

"Ovadia" writes on the forum:

Dear everyone, thank you all for your care and concern - and most of all - your love. Yesterday was Sunday, which is my hardest day, as I am usually alone in the office. Well, by the time I had finished with the Chizuk email and reading through all your replies in my thread, I could not even THINK of looking at anything inappropriate.

This morning, I listened to a Shiur about Chanuka from Rabbi Akiva Tatz. (The shiur can be found here).

Here's a quote from the Shiur:

"Darkness brings a natural fear. Not the fear of being attacked, but the fear of being alone. One who is spiritually developed does not fear being alone. On the contrary, he feels a tremendous thrill in being alone. The Greeks extinguished that. Western culture is afraid to be alone. The Jewish idea of meditation is not to switch off and relax, but to switch on the real mind and connect. We are supposed to do this at least three times a day."

Which made me think: Why do I/we find davening so hard? It is because we are so uncomfortable being alone.

And this is also one of the major triggers for the addiction. We need to try to feel Hashem more, and stop fearing loneliness.

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Daily Dose of Dov

More on "Davening"
- and on -
"Being Happy that we're Sober!"

In Ovadia's post above, he mentioned the difficulties of an addict in recovery with regards to davening. This reminded me of a post from the past, where Moshe described a conversation that goes on in his head before davening each morning:

Yetzer Hara: You're such a shaigetz, you need to go to shul and daven the entire thing. If you don't go to shul, your worthless, and even if you do go, you have to be zoche for your teffilos to reach Hashem. Shaigetz.

Me: Right, I am a shaigetz, I give up, I hate myself.

... I put teffilin on at home, and 4 minutes later I get into my car and drive to office, feeling guiltier and guiltier every second...

Yetzer Hara: I told you you're a goy, you're going to have a lousy day today, I promise you.  How could you have a good day after skipping davening?

Me: your right, I'm a shiagetz, I give up, I'm such a loser.

Dov Responds:

Moshe - Though I don't know you, and as I'm not trying to convince you of anything, this "share" is probably safe:

What you describe here was a regular for me too, for many years, until about two and a half years sober when things started to radically improve.

Anyway, at times like those, I need to remember things like this: The Gemara is Berachos says: "If you want to accept completely that Hashem is your king, wash your hands, go to the bathroom, say k'riyas sh'ma and daven sh'moneh esrei." I know that halacha developed to include brachos, p'sukei d'zimrah, birchos k'riyas sh'ma, kedusha, borchu, aleinu, etc, etc, all for our own good, but: There is something very, very big to be said for a Yid who does just those 4 simple steps. Very big.

When even that doesn't work for me for some reason, I would remember that I was sober. If that isn't great news enough for me to be happy about, regardless of what I am doing wrong (or not doing right), I'd paraphrase the powerful Lecevitcher story that Guard once posted:

(The Lechevitcher Rebbe, a student of R'Shlomo of Karlin, once went as far as to say that even if a person just killed someone and the knife is still dripping with blood, but he feels can't stand up and pray Mincha with all his strength and with all his heart, then he has not yet tasted from the waters of Chassidus!)

"If the fact that an addict is sober today is not good enough for him, he has not yet tasted from the waters of recovery."

This, I believe, is the spirit of "Dayeinu" at the seder: "Even if He would have taken us to har sinai and not given us the Torah; etc, etc... It would have been enough for us." Enough for what? Enough for us to feel like we got a good deal, i.e. to feel OK about things - even without x, y, and z.
 
For more from Dov on the difficulties of Davening when starting out in recovery, see this page for a whole discussion on the issue. [Scroll to the bottom to see Dov's beautiful reply].

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Testimonial of the Day

More on "Being Happy that we're Sober!"

Dov's post above reminds me of a great post from "RATM" today:

In all honesty, I feel like you guys have given me a new life here...

I was once so sick and tired of seeing myself in the mirror... "that hypocrite, loser, no-life"... But now I can continue living without feeling like a constant loser...

Where once I would look back on even the best of days and say: "Yeah, I was successful at work or I did that mitzvah or accomplished these things, but I still messed up my life today by doing ****..."

Now I look back on the worst of days and say: "Yeah, I may have blown that deal or forgot to daven "veten tal ummatar" at Mincha or accomplished jack-black today, but I still feel like a winner because today I did not let my addiction beat me...."

So there may be hard days, but no more bad days, only good ones.... A complete reversal of fortunes...

Thank you...

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Link of the Day

Sunday Morning Agudah Convention



Yesterday we brought some excerpts from an article here on YeshivaWorld.com.

Aguda has graciously granted permission to circulate the link below. There are 5 presentations. The first 2 speakers, Malcolm Hoenlein and Tzvi Richter, discussed  the dangerous situation facing us worldwide. The final 3 speakers discussed serious issues we are facing in our community - Rabbi Abraham Twerski, Rabbi Yisroel Reisman and Rabbi Rosenshine.

To watch the entire session in streaming video, copy and paste this address into your browser's address bar:

http://216.53.64.1/plenary_session_sunday_500k.asx

At about 1:09 is the beginning of the "Addiction Session"

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See this thread on our forum where we mentioned how our network was discussed at the Agudah Convention.

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Q & A of the Day

Double Life

A newcomer to the forum asks:

Does this website/forum breed even more confusion by just giving you another double life?

"RATM" responds:

It seems to me that our addiction is what caused us to maintain a second life, not GYE... GYE is there to address our addiction so, yes, GYE is part of that second life, but the way I see it, you can either have this whole other second life that does not have GYE a part of it, or one that does... I'd rather one that does... Eventually, as some of the masters here will tell you, treatment of the addiction will close that second life for you so you just have one life...

If you do not address your addiction and just pretend that it was never there, it won't go away by itself... That I know because I tried the "ignore-it" method and it led me to bad, bad places....

Uri Responds:

I am not one of the pros here, but I can respond from personal experience:

When I found GYE, it opened a new parsha in my life. It began a period of sincerity, trust, sharing and honesty with myself and others. Outside of GYE, I was still pretty much the same. But the longer I was on GYE and the more I opened up, this sincerity transferred to my "real life" too.

All the best
-Uri

Wednesday  ~  22 Kislev, 5770  ~  December 9, 2009

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In Today's Issue

• 12-Step Attitude: "I can live in the real world without lusting!?"
• 12-Step Attitude (Part 2): "I Want Life!"
• Q & A of the Day: What's the Secret Power Behind the Fourth Step?
• Quote of the Day: Self-Sufficiency vs. G-d-Sufficiency

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12-Step Attitude

"I can live in the real world without lusting!?"

"Tomim" describes the transformation that he and others are undergoing on Duvid Chaim's Phone Conference

For my first few weeks here at GYE, I didn't really leave my house at all (since my work allows for that). The only woman I came in contact with was my mother. Going to the mailbox was risky, as I might get a glance of the female joggers that would be jogging by my house. If I'd go to the bank or to a store, I'd have to give myself a pep-talk beforehand so that I should be able to remain focused during the time I was there. If I'd be hit by sudden lust, I would use one of many methods (such as jogging, doing jumping jacks, taking cold showers, etc.) to get an endorphin rush, which I hoped would compensate for the drug-like effect that acting-out would have had on me.

Only later did I realize that all the measures I was taking were only making things harder for me. The more I fought, the harder things were. It's true that I was able to achieve some clean streaks that I thought were pretty impressive, but ultimately - it all ended the same way. No matter how hard I fought, it could never keep me away from the neediness that was driving me to fall.

When our minds are set on fighting-off lust, and this is certainly so for an addict (as addicts have got very tricky minds), it's easy to slip into the cracks with dozens of excuses. In my case, I found myself slipping and telling myself: "Well, according to the rules here on GYE, there's no reason this should be considered masturbation!". I continued with such "slips" until, ultimately, they turned into falls. I kept trying to learn from my falls, but honestly: There was no way out! I'd fall again and again.
 
Later it became clear to me that I wasn't dealing with the real issues. SA's 12-Steps makes everything black and white. "Where is it coming from?" we ask ourselves. We identify with the root of lust and accept that it's always been our outlet, our coping method and our drug of choice, so that we can self-medicate and numb ourselves from feeling - from living! We realize that we, as addicts, have manipulated all those around us so that we can "use" them to our best interest in facilitating this cause - "our" cause. We've been taking, using, and abusing all along. We begin to ask ourselves, "What's our motive? Are we giving, or are we taking?".
 
I started seeing things different when I realized that I don't have to fight. During our very first days on the call, Duvid Chaim told us that we weren't going to fight anymore and that we wouldn't even need to! Duvid Chaim insisted that we can be normal again! Shocked by what I heard, I felt I needed to call him up personally for a more detailed discussion in which Duvid Chaim spelled out for me how the program takes us to a healthy place where I'll no longer need a filter on my computer, where I'll be able to walk the streets, go to the bank, the supermarket, and even look or talk to the woman behind the counter without lusting her. Wow! That was news for me! "I can live in the real world without lusting!?".

Since I've subscribed to the program, my world has become much brighter and much more colorful! True - the program has asked us to see things way past our addiction (where we're talking about a Higher Power, ego, and other stuff). And we're even beginning to take certain steps (we're working on step 4 right now) that are hard and painful! "But what's the alternative?" we ask. It's either go through pain, or have to deal with the sickness itself! Yes it's true that no-one wants to go through chemotherapy! But it's our only option in making it out of this alive! Living with the addiction (even fighting it) is no way of living! We choose life at any cost! For us, fighting the addiction doesn't work. We've got to be better and less selfish people overall! It's our only hope for living!

The attitudes and guidance of SA and the 12-Steps has greatly helped me in getting free from the addiction, and I'm certain that you can get the same results. I'd recommend everyone join Duvid Chaim's Anonymous 12-Step Phone Conference. Everybody knows that Duvid Chaim is non-judgmental, a great source of guidance and knowledge, and an overall great guy who really cares!

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I Want Life!

Steve wrote this beautiful letter after one of Duvid Chaim's calls:

Today's call was so eye-opening for me! If I may paraphrase the amazing revelation that Duvid Chaim shared:

Always being "on guard" against lust by consciously avoiding it, either via willpower, or by putting in place "S.M.O.G" (Some Mechanisms Of Guard) like filters, etc. is NOT real Recovery. True Recovery is the "Living in Tranquility without R.I.D (Restlessness, Irritability, Discontent)", so that the underlying and real causes of the "lust need" are removed from my life.

THIS IS IT FOR ME. I've only been fooling myself all along. If being "on guard" can not ultimately save me, then I really am powerless against this addiction. I know that I am at Step 1 now. And I thank G-d and "y'all" for sparing me from hitting bottom before I got there!

The ending of this call was so cathartic for me. The emotion in Duvid Chaim's voice echoed the wounds and unfulfilled dreams hidden in my heart. I so want to get into recovery, it hurts. I WANT that LIFE he described so beautifully;

• A life without the shame, anger and self hate and pain that stares back at me from the mirror.

• A life of shalom bayis where my children and my wife feel totally comfortable around me, and they don't see any spectre of "something" separating us from an easy comfort with each other.

• A life where I can feel connected to my Father in Heaven every day, maybe even every moment.

• A life of dedication to others, to help make their lives better.
   

Simply put, I WANT A LIFE.

Please, my dear fellow members of this holy fellowship, let's all accept it once and for all that being "on guard" is not the real solution. It never was, and it never will be. Let's all move forward together. LET'S ALL GET A LIFE!!

Your teary-eyed friend,

Steve.

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Q & A of the Day

What's the Secret Power Behind the 4th Step?

"On the Road" asks on the forum:

I'm at about a month of no mast. and no p**n. I started reading the SA White Book yesterday, and have begun writing down my fourth step ("We made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves"). If someone can clarify for me please, what is the point of this inventory?

Since many people on Duvid Chaim's 12-Step Phone Conference are currently working on their "Fourth Step", I would like to bring here some great links for those who want to really try and get a better understanding of what this step is all about, and how it holds the "Keys to the Dungeon", as Duvid Chaim once said. Although we can read the literature on the 4th step in the Big Book and in the 12 & 12, there's nothing like hearing what it did for people who we can relate to, like Duvid-Chaim, Miri and Dov, who are from within our own community.

• In Chizuk e-mail #503 on this page (scroll down), Miri talks about how the 4th step changed her. When Duvid Chaim read that chizuk e-mail, he was very impressed and he sent me an article that he wrote called "The Keys to the Dungeon". (This was before Duvid Chaim started the conference calls)
• I subsequently brought Duvid Chaim's article in Chizuk e-mail #504 the next day (it's on the same page as above). I encourage everyone working on their 4th step to read those two chizuk e-mails again.
• In Chizuk e-mail #555 on this page (scroll down to the bottom of the e-mail), Dovid Chaim again talks about Step #4.
• And in #557 on that same page, "Moti" summarizes Duvid Chaim's description of the 4th step. (Again, scroll down in the e-mail to find it).
• See also Duvid Chaim's Conference thread on our forum over here, where Duvid Chaim posts inspirational articles about the various steps that his phone group is covering, and where members discuss the calls. (See this post by "Tomim" from yesterday, where he summarizes the call beautifully and brings more clarity to the ideas behind the 4th step).
   

Our dear member Dov is sober in SA for over 10 years. He posts a lot on our forum, and everyone benefits from his profound wisdom and experience. To see some great stuff that Dov has written about the 4th Step over the past months, please see:

• Chizuk e-mail #487 on this page.
• The "Daily Dose of Dov" in Chizuk e-mail #610 on this page
   
• The "Daily Dose of Dov" in Chizuk e-mail #612 (same page)
• The "Daily Dose of Dov" in Chizuk e-mail #619 (same page)

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Quote of the Day

Self-Sufficiency vs. G-d-Sufficiency

By Duvid Chaim

It doesn't matter if our problems include trouble with personal relationships, feelings of uselessness, depression, fear, etc. - we all need a "simple reliance upon the Spirit of the Universe."

I know that when I become "self-reliant", I am literally carving G-d out of my life. No wonder I feel so isolated!!
 
We're told that it all boils down to Self-Sufficiency versus G-d-Sufficiency. All you need to do is look back and ask yourself, "which has worked best in my life?"
 
Can we finally take that necessary steps to cross the Bridge of Reason to reach the Shore of Faith?

Thursday  ~  23 Kislev, 5770  ~  December 10, 2009

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In Today's Issue

• Chanukah: A Revolution Within
• Tip of the Day: Filtering Ipods
• Quote of the Day: Talking to My Zadei
• Parsha Thought: Er & Onan
• Daily Dose of Dov: Not a Dummy
• Testimonial 1: Finding Out I'm Not Alone
• Testimonial 2: Other Outlets

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Chanukah

A Revolution Within

By Benyamin Bresinger
Director of www.ProjectPride.org

"Don't stop before the miracle!" This statement can apply to so many different circumstances in our lives. We tell this to many people who are struggling with the disease of addiction. And it is one of the most powerful lessons from the Chanukah story.

When confronted with adversity, the Hasmoneans did not give up. Where did they get the strength and resolve to insist on not giving up in their search for the pure jar of olive oil? How can we tap into that very same place -- so we can discover our purity within?

The Hasmoneans defied all limitations by winning the war and by rekindling the Menorah. Their commitment to persevere and their willingness to sacrifice their lives revealed their true essence. It is the highest part of the soul, and once revealed, this spirit enables us to cause a revolution within.

Once a person finds this spiritual core, all things are possible. We are exposing the inner recesses of our soul that is absolutely one with G-d. At this level, what seems to be an obstacle too great to deal with, is exposed as an illusion; a test that is there only to awaken this powerfully-connected part of our soul.

The addict who says "It's too much; I just don't see how things will ever be different!" -- is right! As long as he stays the same, he will have the same results. Chanukah teaches us that by being willing to surrender ourselves we can tap into that very same place that our ancestors did. Once that's done, we become different. We see things differently; we see ourselves differently. We have a new pair of glasses; so much so, that one day at a time, one surrender at a time, we live on a higher plane. This is a place where we can walk with certainty and know that G-d is doing for us what we can't do for ourselves.

Once the Menorah was lit, it not only stayed lit in a miraculous way, it also shined the brightest. This reminds me of a quote from the Big Book of A.A: "See to it that your relationship with Him is right, and great events will come to pass for you and countless others." By the Hasmoneans insisting on only using an unadulterated jar of oil, they were teaching us a valuable lesson: Don't settle for anything less than the holiest.

And, for sure, don't stop before the miracle!

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Tip of the Day

Filtering IPods

"Rashkebehag" posts on the forum:

I had a scare this week and feel it should be known for others to watch out. I bought a used Ipod and when it arrived, it came with youtube and access to internet with no filter. I thought I was in for it, so I quickly asked someone more savvy than me what to do about it. He blocked the Youtube and removed the "Safari", which is the open internet. He then put on Bsecure instead, which is internet with a filter. Plus, he put on a password which only he knows, so that I can't unblock whatever he blocked for me. I can breath easier now.

For more on filters for handheld devices, see this thread on our forum (scroll down through the replies).
 

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Quote of the Day

Talking to My Zadie

By "Struggla"

My journey to recovery is a beautiful journey. I have realized that we need to find the good in everything. Even in a situation where I have the urge to fall or slip, I stop myself and say: "I know what's happening here, and I'm not gonna fall for it. Hashem loves me and this is just a test that I have to pass."

Emunah - that's my new word! Everything happens for a reason, we just gotta have faith in Hashem.

I heard this Rabbi say that when you are talking to Hashem, picture that you are talking to your Zadie. Hashem is like Zadie, he listens to you, he gives you everything you want, he spoils you, even gives you candies and chocolates. Your grandparents are the safest people, and their home is the safest home. You can tell them anything and they will listen to you and give you everything you ever need or want - and MORE!

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Parsha Thought

Er & Onan

"LampLighter" wrote on the forum:

This week's parsha is talking to US! It deals with Yehuda's sons, who were killed for wasting seed, and this is the source brought down in Shulchan-Aruch for this aveira! We should always try to see the Torah as being given to us "hayom" - TODAY, afresh. This absolutely applies to our holy group! As we go through the pesukim this Shabbos, let's redouble our efforts to commit to not wasting seed, taking it to heart.

"Eye-nonymous" also wrote:

While I was working on 'shnayim mikra vechad targum' this week, it was a great relief to read about Er and Onan. There it says that they were "Evil in Hashem's eyes", but instead of feeling guilty of the same action myself, for the first time I could feel happy that I have real hope to break free of this addiction.

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Daily Dose of Dov
Dov is sober in SA for over 10 years

Not A Dummy

Am I a tzaddik for not shooting myself in the head by looking at a magazine rack on the street, or for not clicking on a dirty pop-up ad? Or am I just not a dummy? I choose the latter. Halevai Hashem should call me up after 120 and announce: "Here comes Dov... and he's no dummy!"

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Two Inspiring Testimonials

Finding Out I'm Not Alone

"BeatYetzer" sent us an e-mail yesterday:

I've been meaning to write in for a while now and say thank you. I have been "clean" since a few days before Rosh Chodesh Elul (close to 4 months). My story is, I'm sure, not unique. I have tried over time to control myself, sometimes succeeding for one or two months, but never with the level of dedication and commitment that I have now. 

What's interesting is, when I first became aware of your site (through the Aish article), I skimmed your handbook and signed up for both daily chizuk emails. They go to a hidden filter in my In-Box. At first I would read them maybe every other day, maybe less, sometimes more often. Today, I read them even less, but it's amazing that the mere knowledge that there are people out there struggling with the same things I am, has made the struggle easier to handle. I couldn't imagine that anyone else was really doing the things I was doing. Just knowing that I'm not alone has made all the difference. And while it definitely helps to know that people have succeeded, I really believe it isn't that knowledge that is helping so much, as is the simple knowledge that people are dealing with the same things I am. (I do go back and read the unread chizuk e-mails in my in-box when I feel a weakness coming on.)

For close to four months, I haven't been on any improper sites, and I can count on one hand how often I have even had an erection not for the Mitzva (with nothing further happening, and it ending quickly).

Honestly, the ONLY thing that really gives me the strength to stop and continue to control myself, is that when I don't, it ruins my life. I stay up too late, waste time, lie to my wife, generally feel like dirt etc. I'm not stopping because it's assur. I've tried that motivation in the past and it hasn't worked for me. I know that even indulging occasionally would cause me to spiral immediately. Being honest with myself about that seems to be helping.

So as I said, I've been meaning to give hakoras hatov to you for a while now. Thank you for making me feel like a mentsch again.

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Other Outlets

"Sci1977" writes on the forum:

It seems weird that almost three weeks clean have passed. I spent the last day or so forcing myself find other outlets for the time I spent.

The best distraction has actually been working. I have been working like a mad man. I used to sit at my desk and figure out what I was going to next for "my desire".  Now I work and I'm accomplishing much more.

I also have discovered other outlets, like actually trying to talk to my wife and play with the kids.

The stress of the day does not get to me anymore. I think I have taken a step in not letting stress be a trigger. I wake up every morning now and I tell myself it's going to be a good day. G-d granted me another day to be here, to be with my wife and kids. It's a weird feeling knowing that just changing my attitude towards life really works. Simple but true. No slips or falls, and none needed or wanted.  

Thank you for continued support and I thank G-d everyday for this website and the people on it.

Friday  ~  24 Kislev, 5770  ~  December 11, 2009
Erev Shabbos Parshas Vayeshev ~ Erev Chanukah

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In Today's Issue

• Chanukah: Inner Change - Adding a Little Light Each Day
• Battle Communication: It's An Allergy
• Link of the Day: Shiur on Chanukah
• Testimonial 1: The Hidden Kindness of a Stranger
• Testimonial 2: We're all in this Together

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Chanukah

Our addiction often has its roots in an inner discontent. Many people escape to the addiction when they feel unfulfilled, aimless or unproductive in their career. Others use it to make themselves feel better when experiencing problems or boredom in their marriage...

Inner Change - Adding a Little Light Each Day

By Rabbi Moss
www.nefesh.com.au

Question of the Week:
 
My life has come to a standstill. I'm bored at work, and my relationship is going nowhere. I think I need a change of scenery. Should I move away, or do you think a career change will be enough?
 
Answer:
 
There's only one problem with changing scenery. Wherever you go, you'll still be there. Even if everything around you changes - your address, your job, your partner, your car - as long as you are the same old you, you will be living the same old life.
 
The human soul has a deep need for growth. Stagnation is poison to the soul. What was good enough yesterday is insufficient for today, and the me of the past will not satisfy us in the future. We need to be constantly adding new insights, facing new challenges and charting new territory. To achieve this, we need not go anywhere. We need just to look inside ourselves and change our inner scenery.
 
You don't need a career move. You need a soul move. Embark on some new challenges in your spiritual life. Go and buy an inspiring and meaningful book and read a little every day. Feed your mind with new ideas. Challenge yourself to work on a character weakness, like being more patient with your kids or with your parents, or thinking before you speak. Take on a new mitzvah, like putting on Tefillin in the morning or saying a blessing before and after eating.
 
The changes need not be big and dramatic, but they must be consistent. We learn this lesson from the Chanukah candles.
 
On the first night of Chanukah we light one candle, on the second two, and we continue to add one new candle each night, until the eighth and final night when we light eight candles. This means that what was enough yesterday is not enough today. If on the fourth night of Chanukah I light four candles, I have fulfilled the mitzvah perfectly. But if I light the same four candles on the fifth night, I am lacking, I have fallen behind. Every new day requires another new candle.
 
If you aren't growing spiritually, if you haven't added more light, you are stagnating and falling. Not even a new Lexus can fill that void. But if you just add one candle, a single spiritual challenge and one solitary step further in your soul journey, then you have changed from within, and the whole world changes with you.
 
Good Shabbos and Happy Chanukah,
Rabbi Moss

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The need to change our "inner scenery" reminds me of something Rabbi Twerski said at the recent Agudah convention (Quoted in Chizuk e-mail #650):

An addict doesn't think logically. Which is why addicts cannot be reasoned with - or even treated - by any mental health professional. Only a specialist in addiction can undertake the task of guiding an addict to reform.

And that process does not end with the end of the addict's indulgence of his addiction. That is, rather, on the beginning. We have a term for an alcoholic who has stopped drinking: a 'dry drunk.

Only a "major personality overhaul" can have truly long-term good effects. That reflects what the Rambam says about a baal teshuva, that the person who truly repents has changed essentially; that he is, in the Rambam's words, "no longer the same person."

Dr. Twerski endorsed the idea of "12 step programs," saying "they work" and denying that they need to have a Christian component. Each of the steps they entail, he said, "is in Chazal."

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See also the "Daily Dose of Dov" in Chizuk e-mail #628 on this page where Dov discusses the inner change that we need to undergo, and how we need to let go of the "familiar setting" of our inner attitudes & reactions if we expect to recover from the hold of the addiction.

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Battle Communication

It's An Allergy

"KolelGuy" wrote on the forum:

I've been doing really well since my last fall, which just "happened" to be the day before I joined the GYE crew. The main issue for me has always been that I would forget my weakness and get too confident. But since I'm here, I keep myself aware of my goal and what will get me there, and it's been a whole different experience. Here, I got a whole new perspective on the benefits of knowledge about the nature of this thing, and how the best way to win is not to allow the fight to start in the 1st place. Up until now, my only weapons have been my seforim. But recently I've begun to notice that this isn't really a sefer issue.

Agav, this forum is the greatest thing since penicillin!

Steve, who is on Duvid Chaim's daily phone conference for the past few months, responds to "KollelGuy":

You got it!! That is what being addicted is all about. It's like an allergy to peanuts; some people are allergic, some are not. It's how Hashem made us, and it's part of His individual plan for each of us. The allergy never goes away. You can wait another 20 years between bites of peanut butter, but then - WAMMO - you can't breathe, and you hit yourself and say, "I shoulda known better..."

So how do we best avoid the fight from the beginning?

The BIG emergency first-aid plan, which we got from the 12 steps discussions, is to realize that the Yetzer Hara hides in the dark and then SUDDENLY jumps out at you, makes you feel like you've gotta act and make your choice right away, and not give you time to think, just react, which usually means a fall. And he knows EXACTLY what the best ways are to get your attention. He even got Rebbe Meir to drop everything and swim after him, cuz he knew exactly what kind of IMAGE would knock down even the greatest Tzaddik's barriers (see footnote below).

DON'T LET HIM FOOL YOU! You've got time. Stop, look away, don't confront him yet, just count to ten or more, take some deep breaths, the urge will lessen. Then walk away & do something else, think about something else.

YOU KNOW what'll happen if you even GO NEAR that peanut. You're allergic, you won't be able to stop 'cuz it's not in your control. If you think you are in control, you're fooling yourself. Just look at your track record: "Yeah, I can quit any time I want! I've quit 100 times already...!"

And if you fall, C"V, just say, "Sorry Tatty, I'm trying, but I need more time...". Dust yourself off, climb back on the horse and keep on riding. We're all only human, "trying to do the best we can". 

Just don't get down on yourself if you fell. Don't call yourself names. Focus on turning the experience it into something positive - figure out what was the trigger that tripped you up, and what response you would have wanted to have instead. Then play back the scenario in your mind, and this time have it go the way you would have wanted it to. This is called "visualization" (like when we learned to drive, we imagined like in a movie how we would handle spinning on ice, so when the time comes we would be programmed to act that way).

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Footnote:

This is a reference to a series of stories recorded in Gemara Kiddushin (80a-81a) where Hashem demonstrated the power of the Yetzer Hara to some of of the Tanoim who had felt powerful over it and belittled it's influence: The Gemara relates that the Satan presented himself to R' Akivah as a seductive woman in a treetop. He became so inflamed by her that he was unable to resist, and he started to climb the tree so he could sin with her. Halfway up the tree, the woman turned into the Satan and said: "If it wouldn't be that it had been said in the Heavens to respect R' Akivah and his teachings, I'd take your life!". A similar story is recorded with R' Meir swimming across a river to sin with a woman, and upon reaching the halfway point, the woman turned into the Satan, rebuking him with those same words.

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Link of the Day

Shiur on Chanukah by Rabbi Dr. Akiva Tatz

Chanukah - Hidden Light

Bardichev Writes:

THIS IS A MASSIVELY IMPORTANT SHIUR!! LISTEN TO IT!!

ALL I CAN SAY IS WOW!!

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Two Inspiring Testimonials

The Hidden Kindness of a Stranger

Yosef Writes:

My name is Yosef. I posted on this forum only one time in the past, more than 6 months ago. At that time, I also reached out to someone here on the forum, but not believing that he would ever answer my PM (private messages), I never checked my messages - until today... until a second before I was planning to act out big time with this computer. Somehow, with practically no will left to do anything besides log in to some shmutz, my frozen fingers typed in this site. Immediately I was reading a series of three PMs that this guy send me back in June and July, practically begging me to contact him. Instead of falling into lust, I fell into tears... and after a few minutes of deep sobbing, the poison inside me seemed to be gone. I was filled with new strength and the Yetzer had lost his grip. Please know that these kind of things don't usually happen to me; the hidden kindness of a "stranger" just waiting to come out at the right time. Hashem - How great are your Works!

A few days Later Yosef Posts:

I want to thank all of you for reaching out to me with love in my time of pain. I cannot describe how empowered I am feeling by your responses to my post. I feel connected to you all. The way that this community has responded to me inspired me to look into the Twelve and Twelve (something I have not done for a while). As I opened the book, "it" turned to page 27. There staring me in the face were the following words:

"Many a man like you has begun to solve the problem (of Faith) by the method of substitution. You can, if you wish, make A.A. (substitute GYE) itself your "Higher Power". Here's a very large group of people who have solved their Alcohol (substitute lust) problem. In this respect, they (the GYE Community) are certainly a 'Power greater than you', who have not even come close to a solution. Surely you can have faith in them. Even this minimum of faith will be enough. You will find many members who have crossed the threshold just this way. All of them will tell you that, once across, their faith broadened and deepened. Then relieved of the (lust) obsession...they began to (truly) Believe in a Higher Power and speak of G-D."

AIN OYD MILVADO! I love you all.

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We're All in this Together

"Silentbattle" writes on the forum:

One thing I love about this site is that it deals with different levels of addiction, different types (levels) of aveiros - but everyone helps each grow! Yeah, it could be easy for every person in their own way to look at others and breathe a sigh of relief. And I'm pretty sure that ANYONE here could find some way that they're "not as bad" as other people. But we don't, and I think that's incredible. Instead, we use each other's stories to help promote even more growth.

Dov (sober in SA for over 10 years) responds to "Silentbattle":

Nice point! Thank you for pointing that out. It is a beautiful place here! What you wrote is actually a basic yesod of AA.

You can find the idea in Igerres haRMB"N, sort of, (where he talks about seeing each person as better than us in some way). Also, in the B'nei Yisoscher's sefer on kavonoh in mitzvos called "Derech Pikudecha", he describes an inyan and goes out of his way to suggest it as a tool for how to judge ourselves as lower, in certain respects, than another yid who we know is still being mezaneh, even though we are clean of z'nus.

Obviously, we are not to feel any bit above anyone else. The trick is to do it.

Sunday  ~  26 Kislev, 5770  ~  December 13, 2009
2cd Day of Chanukah

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In Today's Issue

• Chanukah: A Chanukah Tikkun (Rabbi Twerski)
• Q & A of the Day: What Should We Tell Kids? (Rabbi Twerski)
• Story of the Day: The Addiction Was all About "Me"
• Sayings of the Day: From "Tomim"

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Chanukah

A Chanukah Tikkun

Rabbi Twerski sent us today:

Now that it is Chanuka, there is a tikkun, that after lighting the Chanuka candles (or oil), one should look at the lights and meditate, "hanerot hallalu kodesh heim - these lights are holy." The sefarim say that they represent the original light of creation. Concentrating on the kedusha of the Chanuka lights helps prevent misuse of one's eyes. Some people mediate on the Chanuka lights for the full half hour that is the minimum time the candles should burn.

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Q & A of the Day

What Should We Tell Kids?

We sent Rabbi Twerski the following question:

Dear Rabbi Twerski,

There was a lively discussion on our forum over here recently about whether or not we should tell children how babies are born, and at what age, and how much to reveal, etc... 

If the Rav has time to read some of the points of view that were expressed on the forum (my own included), the Rav will see that there are many good points brought up in each direction, and we would greatly appreciate some guidance from the Rav on this issue if possible.

Some people feel it is best to hide it for as long as possible (sometimes until the wedding). This saves the children from thinking about things they don't need to, and from the risks of masturbation, addiction, starting up with the opposite gender, etc... Others hold that this approach is too dangerous because children will find out on their own in a worse way, and not get the Hadracha that parents could give. Also, they may end up not trusting their parents since they weren't told - or they were lied to about this issue all the years. 

The answer to this question may depend on how sheltered the children are, and what are the chances of them finding out on their own.

But even if we should tell them, should we try to get away with as few details as possible? And at what age? etc...

This week's parsha with Er and Onan, Yehudah and Tamar, Yosef and Eshes Potifar, is just one example of why this issue is so pressing. Any child who learns this parsha will have many questions... How do we respond if asked? Or should we pre-empt and explain?

We would be honored if the Rav could share his thoughts with us on this sensitive issue.

Thank you for your guidance and Happy Chanukah!

Rabbi Twerski responds:

Just several months ago, Sara Diament M.A, wrote a booklet "Talking to Your Children About Intimacy: A Guide for Orthodox Jewish Parents." It is worth reading.

Twerski

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"Talking to Your Children About Intimacy" can be purchased on Amazon here.

See also here and here for more about the book.
For an excerpt from the book, click here.

Incidentally, while we are on the subject, Rabbi Twerski once suggested to me (as a parent) to read the book called "Building Self-Esteem in Children" by Patricia H. Berne. This is a wonderful book to help us ensure that we give our children what is perhaps the most important ingredient of all in a healthy upbringing: Self-Esteem. When children have a healthy self-esteem, they are also much less prone to addictions later on in life.

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Story of the Day

The Addiction Was all About "Me"

"Tomim" describes the start of his journey:

About 9 months ago, in the throws of the addiction, I woke up one morning feeling that I no longer recognized myself. I don't know what it was, but a terrible sensation tore through me and hit me at the very core. "What happened to me?" I thought. "Where did the old me go? And who is this guy who's taken over? He scares me!".

All my relationships were broken. It wasn't that people didn't try to lovingly reach out to me. It was me, throwing away my family and friends! I didn't let anyone in! I barricaded myself into my own life, my own mind, caring nothing about anything that had no relation to me. I was so preoccupied in seeking out my own gratification that it didn't occur to me that there were other people. The vibes I gave off shouted out loud: "Get out of my way! This is all about ME!". And that's exactly what people did. They gave me my own space!

Though I had always prided myself being very studious, my interest in learning Torah was rapidly deteriorating. I'd get up sometime late in the afternoon, switch on my computer and start my day. Within minutes, I'd have dozens of porn sites open in front of me, in front of which I'd sit for the remaining part of the day. Since I had effectively chased everyone away, my room became my own personal space where I could act out for hours undisturbed.

Acting out for hours at a time, I left no time in my day for G-d. Davening didn't happen! For an entire year, I didn't ever daven a full davening, let alone an entire Shmone Esrei. I'd grab my tefillin minutes before sunset, quickly throw them on, and mumble bits and pieces of the Shema. My tefillin would be off before you could even say "Boo!", and so that I could quickly get into the next porn video, I wouldn't even wrap my tefillin up. I'd throw them on the side, where they'd wait until the next day. Sometimes I was so caught up in what I was doing, that I'd look up at the time and realize that it was already night and I hadn't even put on the tefillin. Sadly so, nothing meant anything to me anymore! To me, the Shulchan Aruch was nothing but a book! There was nothing left but the addiction! And it had robbed me of my life!

It's not that this all happened suddenly. I mean, I did see the digression. But it didn't occur to me that it would be this way. I've always looked at it as something very external to the real me, and that with work, I'd be able to make it go away. I never had a problem representing utmost frumkeit when I was in public. But here I was, having gone through scores of Mussar and Chassidus seforim, and even self-help books, and I remain the same! I'd made vows, kept a journal, wrote a 5 year life plan as well as a mission statement, but nothing had ever helped.

In despair, I took out a pen and wrote a letter to my Rebbe and mentor (in the World of Truth), the Lubavitcher Rebbe:

"In tremendous pain I write to you about my present state. I don't recall a time in my life where I have ever sunk to such great depths. In my present state I am completely absorbed in bad things - and in a constant way, growing and continuing by the day. The days of old are no longer!

I write to you in concern to matters pertaining to my learning, to my davening, in keeping Shulchan Aruch ( - simply keeping halacha), in regard to my personal character, and in matters of which I relate to my fellow man.

Even if I do manage to pull myself out of this terrible state and to focus my energies in good things, I feel as if nothing is able to effect me in an internal way, and everything remains superficial.

Not too distant from the time of shidduchim - a new stage in my life, I am completely distraught and in search of guidance.".

Putting some action behind my words, I pulled out a deck of index cards and began jotting some notes for myself. You see, a few days earlier I had watched a movie (and I don't condone movies here) which had really struck home. In this very realistic movie portraying an inside peek at the life of a sex addict, I watched how his addiction was destroying his marriage. There he was, acting out, unable to stop himself even at the verge of divorce.

Somewhere in the movie, his father, feeling that there was a lot of tension in his son's marriage, attempts to help him. His father hands him a book with 90 pages - an exercise a day, and tells him that if he applies himself to the what is written in the book, he will see a most rewarding marriage. For the remaining part of the movie I watched the progressive change take place. On the first day, he brought his wife a bouquet of flowers (which she immediately tossed in the trash), followed a card, a cooked meal, and a clean house. Eventually, and after many tests, the man reaches the last and final pages of the book where he is asked to remove anything from his house which blocks him in his relationship with his wife. He decides to take the computer (which his wife despises) out of his house, and smash it into bits. His wife, seeing his commitment to her over the last 90 days and finally with this, can't hold herself back from loving him again.

For me, this wasn't just a movie. It was a strong lesson in the only way I'd understand. When I finished writing my letter to the Rebbe, I decided that I'd have to take the same kind of steps, doing selfless actions for those around me. That movie really made an impression on me!

This is when I pulled out these index cards and began listing out all sorts of selfless actions or approaches that I could adopt. In the cards that I'd incorporate into my life (one or two cards a day) I wrote the following:

• Don't be sarcastic.
• Compliment the cook.
• Surprise the family with a supper, and pickup food from a local restaurant.
• In the event that you may need to do so, put your reputation on the side and do the right thing. 
• Compliment someone you normally wouldn't.
• Write a card and make someone feel loved.
• If asked to do something (big or small) for somebody, do it, and don't make excuses.
• Be empathetic to someone. Show them that you care.
• Avoid arguments.
• Visit a Hospital.
• Take the positive approach when discussing a difficult subject with another.
• Make yourself of service, offering your skills.
• Expect nothing in return for what you've done for someone.
• If an opportunity arises and you are asked to do something, do it right away.
• Make a person feel good when he thanks you, and respond with "you're welcome!".
• Understand that accepting is very important to the one giving, so make it a point to accept a compliment or a kind gesture. It will make them feel good!
• Accept a "hard word" directed towards you, with love!
• Admit when you are wrong.
• Remind yourself of the gratitude you owe towards others.
• Greet everyone with a smile and some nice words.
• Before going to sleep, say "good night" to those who are still up.
• Be honest.
• Call a sibling on the phone and make the conversation all about them.
• Express interest in other peoples work and investment, and allow them to take pride.
• While shopping, have someone else in mind, and purchase for them something you think they might like.
• Cook supper.
• Give tzedaka at the first opportunity, not counting out bills before you give.
• Offer help if you see a situation which might require it.
• Don't be abrasive.
• Cheer someone up.
• Don't interject while people are speaking. Wait till they are entirely finished with what they have to say before saying your piece.
• Don't mix into other people's quarrels.
• Clean up - even if it isn't your mess.
• Phone up a relative and make it their conversation.
• Apologize if applicable.
• Buy a baby toy for one of your nieces or nephews.
• Randomly buy someone a gift out of appreciation.
• Call someone you haven't spoken to in a while.
• Call a friend and ask about his well-being. Make it his conversation.
• Remember to always say "please".
• Remember to always say "thank you".
• Add another 15 cards to the deck.
   

Each morning, just after getting out of bed, I'd shuffle the deck and select a card. That card, together with yesterday's card, would be my mission for the day! Since then, I started to see a change in myself. My world suddenly wasn't so dark anymore! Slowly but surely, people began relating to me in a whole different way. This was my first step on the road towards improvement!

It was shortly after, that I was led with Hashem's guidance to GYE! 

I encourage you to apply this into your own life. I guarantee that if you apply this - one or two cards at a time, together with the guidance of the 12-Step program, you will see a very very powerful recovery!
 

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Sayings of the Day

Posted by "Tomim"

THE EASIEST WAY TO STAY SOBER:
a) Breathe in.
b) Breathe out.
c) Don't lust in between!


"The monkey may be off my back, but the circus is still in my head"


"Self-will is banging on the tray of my highchair"

Monday  ~  27 Kislev, 5770  ~  December 14, 2009
3rd Day of Chanukah

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In Today's Issue

• Chanukah: Beware of Mixed-Gender Parties!
• Chanukah: The King is Visiting the Jail
• Q & A of the Day: What do I do if she's rarely interested?
• Quote of the Day: Chocolate's Better
• THE GYE MACCABEES: Inspiring Posts from the Warriors of GYE

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Chanukah

Beware of Mixed-Gender Chanukah Parties!

Read through this thread on our forum for some chizuk.

• Try to get out of going, if possible.
• If not, make a plan in advance.
• Schedule how long you have to be there, and stick to it.
• Set an alarm to remind you when to leave.
• Prepare an excuse to leave in advance.
• Give yourself a pep-talk before going.
• Look at yourself in the mirror and tell your eyes, "today, we won't stray!"
• Bring a sefer or a book to read instead of "mingling".
• Avoid socializing with the opposite gender as much as possible
• Sit facing away from the opposite gender.
   

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The King is Visiting the Jail

"Misgaber" sent us an e-mail:

I just heard a tape from Rabbi Yosef Chaim Greenwald saying that the Divrei Chaim of Sanz said that on Chanukah a person can do Teshuvah even on aveiros that the Zohar says that one cannot do Teshuvah on, because when the King comes to visit the jail, everyone can ask for anything.

(Lighting below 10 Tefachim where the Sh'chinah never goes, symbolizes how the King comes to visit even the darkest and lowest places on Chanukah...)

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Q & A of the Day

"What do I do if she's rarely interested?"

Elya K. is a moderator on the hotline and phone conference. He and his wife have helped many marriages through the hotline.

Someone sent Elya the following question:

I have a question regarding marital intimacy and perhaps you can offer some advice. I feel that my wife and I are on two different wavelengths and that is causing some hotzaas zera at nights. I am in the mood to be intimate almost every night while my wife is not a nidah, and she is interested much less (0 - 1 times a week). Because of this, we are together only (0 - 1 times a week). I have not expressed this to my wife, as I am embarrassed and don't want her to do something she doesn't want to. Do you think this is an issue that I should be more open with her about? At this point I have not said anything and just try to quell my desires. 

Elya Responds:

Men and women have different templates about sex. A woman links sex with her feeling during the day. If she has a romantic good feeling during the day with her husband, she will be more in the mood.  Women do not just jump in bed and have sex. They do in the movies, on TV and in p**n, but not in real life!!
 
Part our disease is that we sexualize women, INCLUDING OUR WIVES. I did this for over 20 years to my own wife. Once she found about my addiction and some of the details, she told me that I had been manipulating her into sex for over 20 years. I was not consciously trying to do this, but it was part of my sex and love addiction. Women are not sex objects. Sex is a spiritual bond between two people.  Sex is a mutual understanding that this is ONE way to show their love for one another. Yet to a woman, you are physically entering her body and she has to feel safe enough to let you do that. If she senses that you are full of LUST and just want to have sex for your own physical desires, SHE AIN'T INTERESTED.
 
Now, for the remedy to fix all of this: The SLAA book says,

"The crucial change in attitude came when we admitted we were powerless over our addiction and we withdrew from our habit. For some it meant no sex with themselves, for others it meant no sex with their spouse for a while to recover from Lust. We discovered that we could stop, that not feeding the hunger didn't kill us, that SEX WAS INDEED OPTIONAL. There was hope for freedom and we began to feel alive.  We turned away from our obsession with sex and self, and turned to G-d and others."
 
So here's what I want you to do, if you're open to my suggestions.  The next time your wife is a nidah, I want you to buy her flowers DURING THE WEEK, not for Shabbos. (If you don't usually do it for Shabbos, you can buy them for her for Shabbos).  The point here is to train yourself that you need to show compassion, love, intimacy and romance in OTHER WAYS besides sex. She will be surprised, and then you can begin to talk to her about all this. You don't have to go into details. Just say that you realize that you seem to want to have sex more often than she does, and you would like to discuss it with her. Find out why she is not interested and tell her you would like to make amends IF she senses that you constantly want sex.  Tell her you were embarrassed to talk to her about it because you don't want to hurt her or make her do things she doesn't want to do. THIS IS GOING TO BE SO POWERFUL IN IMPROVING YOUR MARRIAGE.
 
Work together on other ways to feel close. Don't wait for her to tell you to take out the garbage or wash the dishes or help with the kids. You take charge. (They say that romance for a man is a candle-light dinner, while romance for a woman is when her husband does the dishes :-). Your job from now on is to do nice things for your wife, whether she reciprocates or not. No matter when it is during the month, Nida or not. Got me? I promise you, she will reciprocate.
 
I guarantee, when you do this, things will start to change. It may take a few months or a year, but your intimacy will be richer, both in bed and out.

But you have to talk to her. Part of our problem is isolation. Your wife can be your biggest fan and help in all these matters. Tell her you get frustrated sometimes when she's not a nidah, and you really need to talk about this. It's not easy. Nothing we change in ourselves is easy, and that's why we have to talk about it with others to heal.
 
Stay in touch and let me know what happens. If you run into a roadblock call or write me, and we'll solve it together.

Have a meaningful, spiritually intimate week for Chanukah. You can do it.
 
Elya

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For some related FAQ pages on our site (about the women's lack of interest) see here and here.

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Quote of the Day

Chocolate's Better

From "Rashkebehag" on the forum:

Lust is an illusion. A friend of mine told me that during all his years single he thought that sex must be Heaven. Now that he's married, he sees it's no different than any other need. "A good piece of chocolate is better", he says.

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THE GYE MACCABEES


 

Here are some beautiful and inspiring posts from the MACCABEES of GYE
who are facing off against the YEVANIM of LUST i.e. the rest of the world!

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"RATM" (Rage at the Machine) writes:

There's a thin line between entertainment and war... The little kiss between the 15 year old's on the innocent "Disney movies" today, is not so innocent... It's a very important part of lust's attack on us... It's where we are taught - from the youngest age - that this stuff is beautiful and Ok and should be virtued... "It's innocent puppy love"...

Well, you know what? I RAGE against that! Because this is "step one" on our way to this addiction. We can't let the Greeks win... Not then, Not this time, Not Ever... We are stronger than them...

Thank you GYE, for standing by me in this war against lust...

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"HelpmeGYE" writes:

I have to say that the Chizuk emails have become my lifeline. I come in to my office after the pritzus in the street, and as I open my computer I have that familiar tingling feeling, but the Chizuk email keeps me in focus. Even more importantly, I am in correspondence with two other members of the GYE family and I/we keep strong for each other's sake. I daven that I should be able to keep this up, and not lose my enthusiasm. The Y'H has a lot of tricks.

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"Becomeholy" writes:

Last night was a tough night. I basically ended up spending all night reading GYE. Often I would be doing other not-so-good things instead. As they say, spend the time on "healing" instead of the addiction.

What I realized is, that life is a challenge. I need to "play the game" and move up in "levels." Every single thing in life is tailor-made to challenge me to get to the next level. It's not about "ME". If I'm out to "receive" instead of to "give", I'm missing the point. I need to shift my thinking and realize that every single pleasure I get is a gift, an extra. It's not a right, or even an expectation.

By realizing that God is in control, and focusing on what God wants from me EVERY moment, I will be able to connect to God and achieve true happiness. By being giving to others and expecting NOTHING in return, I can achieve even greater happiness, since anything I do receive from them will be an extra, a plus; something special. Once I achieve this paradigm shift, I will be a different person - nothing will faze me.

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"Ano-Nymous" writes:

I was walking around a few minutes ago on a large street. I got myself something to eat, and I did a little shopping. As is always the case, there were many women walking around. My instinct, of course, told me to give the "initial peek" (which is really just used to determine if "staring" is warranted, right? :-). Surprisingly, I just didn't do it.

Whereas in the past, when the same thing happened, I'd give myself a pat on the back and my ego would go up a notch, this time I just felt a tremendous feeling of joy and connection to God, and an endless amount of gratitude to Him for simply taking the battle away. I'm no Tzaddik, but I sure feel a lot closer to God now than I ever have in the past. And the pleasure and serenity I gained from that feeling of "connectedness" was 1000x greater than what I have ever felt from patting myself on the back and telling myself what a Tzaddik I am (not to mention how much more effective it is, in helping me avoid it all for the long term). I can only hope it will continue this way...

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"Silentbattle" writes:

Sometimes I think it would be nice to get the gift of freedom from the Yetzer Hara... But would it really? We aren't just given challenges in life. Life is ALL about challenges. Without them, there'd be no purpose in our being here. So yes, facing nisyonos isn't fun, and we certainly don't ask for extra tests, but remember that the falling and getting up that you're doing is exactly what you've been put here for. And by working on it, you're already winning - by accomplishing what you're supposed to!

Ha - it's like back in camp, on the sides of the color-war songs they'd write, "Smile - you're on the winning team!"

But we ARE on the winning team because, without a doubt, signing into GYE is signing up to Hashem's team.

Tuesday  ~  28 Kislev, 5770  ~  December 15, 2009
4th Day of Chanukah

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In Today's Issue

• Announcement: New Phone Group Starting
• Practical Tip of the Day: Get Enough Sleep
• Saying of the Day: The Times I Fail...
• Story of the Day: "This time, I surrender!"
• 12-Step Attitude: Feeling Hashem's Hugs
• Daily Dose of Dov: Hashem is With Us

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Announcement

New Phone Group Starting

An anonymous support group, where people can get their stories and feelings out, in a structured manner.

To join, either post on this thread or contact yiddle2@gmail.com

"Yiddle" writes:

I sometimes call in to a non-Jewish SA phone group. They don't have a sponsor run the call, rather they just have people like me and you, in recovery. There's literature and they read questions and go around to people on the call and answer the questions. Everyone has like two minutes maximum to answer each question. I think this would be a great idea for us to do. We could make our own support group where we would just talk about our struggles and answer questions, and where everyone would get a chance to speak. (If you want you can just listen, but the call is based on people speaking up).

This is not a 12 step program like Duvid Chaim's call. This will not be your road to recovery. But this can put you on the road if you are not there, and also guide you along if you are already there. 

Right now, we have about 6 people interested so far, and we're shooting for some time this coming Sunday for our first call. We could use some more people on the call, so please sign-up to join. Hopefully this will work for everyone, just let me know now which times are best for you!

Remember, the best way to break this addiction is to GET OUT OF ISOLATION.

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Practical Tip of the Day

Get Enough Sleep

As addicts, we are much more prone to falling when we're tired - especially at work. Feeling unproductive and "aimless" can easily lead to acting out.

Steve offers some practical advice for those who suffer from sleep deprivation:

A Rebbe of mine once told me that "your day starts the night before". And he explained that this is a big trick of the Yetzer Hara to make us stay up late at night and not get enough sleep. He even tricks us into becoming "temporary Tzaddikim" by giving us an inspiration to LEARN late, cuz he knows we're gonna miss davening in the morning AND forget the learning anyway, since we were tired when we studied it.

My prescription? Try this for 3 days: Don't eat after 8 pm, but water is OK. Absolutely no video stimulation for the 2 hours before bed. Turn off the phone. Set up some quiet instrumental background music, or get one of those cheep sound machines that makes pastoral or rain sounds for noise. At the same time, curl up IN BED with a nice "Visions of Greatness" book, or something with SHORT inspirational stories (and read the happy ones, not the Holocaust ones). Limit yourself to 20 minutes of reading AFTER you take one of the following sleep aids: Sip a nice cup of Wisskotsky's Sweet Lullaby Tea (it's decaf). Or, if you're the type, (and nobody yell at me, this is only for temporary use), take some over the counter melatonin or Sleep MD (all natural sleep aids). Of course check with your doctor first, and also to know how much to take. Do NOT take too much, even if the box says it's not habit forming. BUT GO TO BED THE FIRST NIGHT WITH 10-12 HOURS available before you have to get up. At least 9 hours. Cancel a chavrusa if you have to - this is an investment in your future.

Do this for 3 nights in a row. No excuses. See what happens. You need to reset your internal clock. And you need a safe and healthy way to get you to sleep long enough to experience REM sleep and proper dreaming.

If you're still exhausted, even after being asleep for 8 hours for three days in a row, then please consider getting a sleep-study to test for sleep apnea. Many people have this without even realizing it.

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Saying of the Day
By "Struggling in UK"

 "The times I fail are when I ignore the fact that I have chosen a different path for my life."

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Story of the Day

"This time, I surrender!"

A 21 year old Bochur ("ano-nymous") posted the following on the forum:

Before I joined GYE last year, I was being constantly attacked by lust. I was a heavy "user". It was an everyday pastime, and sometimes many times a day. I never considered it abnormal because I had great excuses, such as "My friends are doing it" and "it's healthy for you," but somehow it just didn't feel right. After coming to GYE, I got 7 months clean, but every day was a battle. Then it got easier, and I started to relax my guard and started slipping gradually again. So gradually, in fact, that I hardly noticed. But after falling twice in one day, I finally decided that enough is enough. Even if I "only" need a drink once in a while, I cannot live life like that, and I knew that it would inevitably get worse if I let it keep going.

This time, I wanted to switch from the fighting method to the "surrender and connect to God" method, because I didn't want to live a life of "only" watching porn here or there. It is unacceptable for a civilized human being (which I consider myself to be), even if you leave aside the religious issues, and it will wreak havoc on a marriage (lots of proof to that here on the website). And if I am doing something - which I DO NOT want to do - even occasionally, it means I am not in control of myself at all. This is not the way a human being is supposed to live.

So I rejoined the forum again, and I'm going to attempt to work God into my life and let Him help me out (you just have to LET him in!). I joined Duvid Chaim's calls and I'm surprised that he doesn't have more people on the calls (there were 14 the first time I called in). The calls are GREAT, and they leave me feeling so inspired.

I believe that the reason more people don't call in is because they think "only addicts call in, and I am certainly NOT an addict." But according to Rabbi Twerski's definition of an addict, if on a regular basis you find yourself doing things which you KNOW you should not do and do NOT want to do, you ARE an addict. Anyone who fits this definition (which probably includes almost everyone visiting this website) will most likely benefit from applying the 12 Steps in their daily lives.

I wish I would have joined Duvid Chaim's group sooner. I love the style of the call, as well as his brutal honesty (which is not presented in a brutal manner at all!). I plan to call in as often as I can now.

Thanks so much Duvid Chaim!

P.S. I've set up my cell phone in such a way that I can send and receive calls for free, so the phone conference call, which is an hour each day, is totally free for me! Check out this post where I describe in more detail how you can also set up your phone to make and receive free calls! (I also use this method to call my accountability partner for free).

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12- Step Attitude

Feeling Hashem's Hugs

"Steve", a Talmid of Duvid Chaim's phone group, writes:

I saw a friend this morning who wasn't smiling. I asked him if his children had clothes. He said yes. I asked him if he had food on his table today. He said yes. I asked him if his roof leaks when it rains. He smiled and said no.

Count your blessings. Don't take the things you always have for granted. Start with counting your toes.

You are hugged by Hashem all the time. The trick is to feel it at least one a day. The hug doesn't have to be a volcanic miracle. It can be as quiet as a new understanding/awareness of Hashem's role in your life, or even of the BEAUTY of His creation.

I just saw a National Geographic article about pollen. Unbelievable close-up color photographs of the beauty and complexity and PURE GENIUS of how these many diversified shaped and colored particles look & function. Realizing that Hashem orchestrates the release, travel, and deposit of these things to continue to create flowers & plants was a pure "Awe & Wonder Moment" for me.

Click the image to see in full size

So too, Hashem is in control of MY life, even if I think from my microscopic view of the universe that I am just being blown by the wind for no rhyme or reason.

HKB"H sends a gazillion messages our way each day. We just gotta LOOK and ASK Him for help, in anything and everything. Just "Let Go and Let G-d". TRUST him.

This DOES work.

Have an "awesome" day,

Steve

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Daily Dose of Dov
Dov is sober in SA for over 10 years

Hashem is With Us

Chuck C. (Author of the White Book of SA) once said: "What you are looking for, you're looking with; and what you found, came here with you."

We've all got Hashem with us, period.

When Hashem told the Avos not to fear, "for I am with you," He was not informing them of anything. They always knew he was with them. Rather, Hashem was speaking it out to them to make the relationship work for them. Just like a nisayon: Hashem "tests" us just to bring out the greatness that is already within us. Hashem was letting them actually hearHis love and attachment to them, even though it was already there, to make it the kind of awareness that works.

Plenty of us have faith in G-d. But that is not enough for addicts. We need a faith that works. And that usually seems to take time, work, pain, and patience. (Unless you've got nevu'ah... but it seems that getting nevu'ah requires those things, too. Darn).

Wednesday  ~  29 Kislev, 5770  ~  December 16, 2009
5th Day of Chanukah

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In Today's Issue

• Story of the Day: "Tatty, when are you coming home?"
• The GYE Lighthouse: We're Up Against the Whole World!
• Daily Dose of Dov: Eyeball Upgrade

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Story of the Day

"Tatty, when are you coming home?"

Steve posted his story on the forum for the first time:

So here I am, 52 years old, finally beginning my journey into my New Way of Living, thanx to Reb Guard, Duvid Chaim & the fearless crew on his calls, and the GYE family.

I got here about a year and a half ago, in July 2008, while searching for chizuk for shmiras eiynayim. I signed up for the emails, but then I wasted over a year letting them collect in an inbox folder hoping to get to read them one day. The forum looked too intricate for me to navigate, so I didn't even try.

B"H for "falls" at the right time, cuz picking myself up from one led me to finally read one email. And THAT ONE, ladies and gents, is where I saw the advertisement for Duvid Chaim's new 12-Step Program Group Call, and thank G-D I followed the links to find out more. Again, Hashem was stretching out His hand to me, but THIS time, I TOOK IT!! I joined his group when it started in October.

I NEVER would have suspected I was a sexaholic, I just thought I was a guy with a very big Yetzer Hara that just got out of hand with the ease of internet access. But when I read the description that an addict is ONE WHO KNOWS HE SHOULD STOP, BUT CAN NOT, or described as someone who loses time from work and family because of this uncontrollable drive; someone whose life is heading to ruination, it hit me. Those words described me 'to a T'. I was seeing myself and my uncontrollable life mirrored in the words of so many others, I couldn't believe it! I WAS NOT ALONE. 

All the years of acting out; the guilt and the shame; the hours glued to bad sites while family time and parnassa slipped away; the lying to my children who'd call me at work and ask "Tatty, when are you coming home?" And I'd close my eyes to the screen to say "I have to work late", then open them up again after the call to keep watching for hours more... And the self hate, the loathing, the name calling and cursing of myself that I did when I'd drive home at 3 am, the promises to Hashem, and then breaking them the very next morning. Days, months, YEARS lost, and I thought I could climb out of it on my own one day. 

GuardYourEyes, along with Duvid Chaim and the brave members of our crew, have shown me the real way out of this decrepit existence, toward a life of freedom from this "lust addiction", and hopefully from my other shortcomings as well.

On the calls, I found people whom I could talk to through the blessed veil of anonymity, to discover who I really am and find how I could heal. And on the forum I found the rest of you, both inspirational and needy, and I've been blessed that I could help a little here and there. What I love best, is that the time I would have spent on my computer pushing Hashem out of the world, I am now using to pull Him back in; into my life and into the life of others.

Thanx to Duvid Chaim, I am on the road to recovery. It was hard to accept that "I'm a pickle, and will never be a cucumber again." (i.e. that an addict has permanently altered his way of thinking and will never be the same). He showed me logically the truth behind it. But I never really understood the depth of my emotional loss at that recognition until I read Letakein's amazing poem, The Falling Leaves. She wrote that to help herself heal, but by sharing it, she MADE me heal. I wasn't afraid to take the next step, to "Let Go and Let G-d", to trust His re-creating me into something new, even though I still do not know where it's heading.

So, my friends (and it means so much to me to be able to call y'all that), THIS is the place on earth for real Milchemes Hashem.

Starting this Chanukah, may we all be blessed together to move far away from the Great Darkness that has owned us until now, and come into the GREAT LIGHT of Hashem's Love. Kein Yehi Ratzon.

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The GYE Lighthouse

"RATM" (Rage At The Machine) wrote today on the forum:

So CNN did an important news piece yesterday... I think it was part of their business report... very important business news... The story was about an entrepreneur that was expanding his business in the face of the economic difficulties we all face... It was some important business news that I am sure many good young boys and girls whose parents are careful that they don't watch shmutz (and therefore they can only watch CNN) viewed with great interest... And what was the business? A whorehouse in Nevada that was now offering new services never offered before... The CNN anchor spoke seriously about the career minded people that can no longer afford the time or money of relationships, inferring that here was a suitable replacement...

Chevra, this is the war we are facing! The active push to legitimize Sex and Lust Addiction... The world-wide effort to remove it from the shadows and the bathroom, and place it on our dining room tablecloth - and for our children too!

... And it's only getting worse...

If it weren't for the efforts of GuardYourEyes, we would have nothing at all to counter this and our children would be born dead... Stillborn souls....

But because I do believe in GYE, we will change the tide... one person at a time...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Rabbosai, here is a SHOCKING e-mail that I recently received from a Rebbe in a vibrant Jewish community:

I am a Rebbe in a small Yeshivah where I deal with regular frum middle-school age boys who have not had much success in the regular school systems for various reasons. It was recently brought to my attention that many of these boys, ages 11-14 are addicted to pornography and hotzoas zera livatala. They view this as if it were normal and not even something to work on. After speaking with my Rav, I have been working privately, and recently in a more public setting, with them in this matter. I have a honest and non-judgmental  relationship with them which helps them stay honest with me, knowing that I am there for them. I have instituted rewards and almost daily "check-ups" to help them fight these urges for the first time. Already I have seen a lot of success... more than I expected, actually. Many of them do not even know that this is assur, and they couldn't believe me when I said looking and thinking about these things is not allowed from the Torah. Hopefully, I will slowly and persistently work with them on this topic. I have even read some of the stories from your website to them, to show them where this can lead, in the hopes of sparking their input.

All the kids who were involved could not imagine stopping for even a few weeks at a time, so I guess they are addicted. I offered a two week, and then a 4 week, incentive to any boy who took up the challenge to be free from both porn and hotzoas zera. Two boys are already on their 3rd week. One boy did ask me how he would be able to sustain this when he feels very bored and doesn't have enough to do to fill his free time, and pornography is an easy time consumer. Another boy said he used it as a way to fall asleep at night. And yet another boy said his father caught him and did nothing about it! 

An additional problem is most of these boys have iPod touches or other devices with Wifi, so that having blockers on their computer wouldn't really solve their problem. Others are very savvy and can break - in their own words - "any block" on a computer.

Some boys did become interested when I told them that there was a hot-line on this site for people who needed chizuk... Is this something practical and accessible for this age group? They did say that having someone to talk to when they were feeling weak would help a lot, and I encouraged them to call me, but maybe another venue would help.

One amazing thing that I did see, was that after our discussions, they were discussing the matter with each other in an open way about their nisyonos and giving each other their own brand of advice. Either way, I think a small revolution was created in this class to overcome a topic which I know I never heard about in Yeshivah. 

Would you suggest anything else that I can practically implement and help all the boys in the Yeshivah understand and, if need be, change this dangerous habit?

(We sent this Rebbe our handbooks along with other useful advice and tips on dealing with this issue). But Rabbosai, if Klal Yisrael doesn't awaken to the dangers that we face today, we will be raising an entire generation of addicts - Rachmana Letzlan! Think about how the marriages and Yiddishkeit of such children will be affected one day!

Every Mashgiach and Rebbe in today's generation needs to be equipped with the tools and knowledge of how to deal with these issues. GuardYourEyes has set for itself a goal to make this a main-stream issue in today's religious world, and to provide information to all Mechanchim on how to deal with these issues. The handbooks we have today are just a start. They will IY"H be expanded and split into different versions, one of which will be designed specifically with Mechanchim in mind.

Besides for helping those who struggle, GYE plans on having an entire division (one day) dedicated just to "PREVENTION". But... we can't do this ALONE. We are Rabbim neged me'Atim. A few Maccabees, standing off against an entire WORLD.

Mi LaHashem Alai!

Click the image above to view a clip from AISH.com
about the power of each individual light

Rabbosai, with your help we can change the world, one person at a time. If each of you does his part to heal themselves; and if each of you helps spread the word about our work amongst your e-mail contacts, or by writing anonymous letters to Rabbanim, askanim, mashgichim; and/or if each person donates what they can (see the bottom of this e-mail for donation options)... Together we can light up the NIGHT, one candle at a time!

A little light banishes a LOT of darkness!

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Daily Dose of Dov
Dov is sober in SA for over 10 years

Eyeball Upgrade

"Eye.nonymous" writes:

When I first joined this forum I was thinking, "I don't have such a big problem. I just have a lot of trouble controlling my eyes on the street.  But po** and mast** I just slip up on once in while, and it's really not my fault because I'm trying so hard to overcome it."

I've discovered, first of all, that the po** and mast** was actually more frequent than I realized, and that there were some major underlying issues fueling these two behaviors. I feel like I'm in a much healthier place now. I have uncovered frustration, worries, tension, depressing thoughts, and I'm doing fairly well at warding them off. I'm trying to focus on positive thinking and on LIVING more and more.

But, regarding that first problem which, at first, was the only one I really admitted was a problem--controlling my eyes on the street, I feel like I haven't made any progress. My eyes seem just as hefker now as they were before.

What am I missing?

We Replied:

As the GYE handbook states, guarding our eyes usually takes a lot longer for us to master than stopping our "bottom line" behaviors... Please read tool #2 of the handbook again. Also, here's a page with lots of great tips and attitude ideas that can help us with guarding the eyes out there (read from the top of the page till the bottom).

Dov Replies:

Reb Eye, Here are some things you may wish to consider:

1) At least you are a "somewhat more humble, honest, and mature person" - in other words: "a more useful person", now. So you are still lusting out there sometimes. Did you really expect perfection?    

...or...

2) You may be mistaken. Our "progress" is not readily apparent to us because we are looking at it from inside of ourselves. We judge its seriousness/badness exactly by how frustrated/upset we are with it right now.

So, today, you may have a much higher standard, say, in how much pleasure you take from it, how much fantasy you attach to it, or how much guilt and self-loathing you spend on it (the guilt and self-loathing being perhaps even more damaging than the fantasy...). Progress in these areas is progress, too.

So if you have progressed, it is likely that you feel worse about doing even less than you did before, because of your current improved state of sanity.

Make any sense to you? (I posted more about this idea over here last week)

...or...

3) I'd ask you if you are working the 12-Steps in order, with help from other recovering people. If yes, great! Look back at either steps 1 or 2. (In my case, I made no apparent progress before I worked the steps).

...or...

4) Maybe you are ready to start working on "controlling" your eyes in a new sort of way now. Here's something that works for me: Have a prayer to say for each and every one of the women you tend to stare at. (At least don't stare at them while saying the tefilla...). Then say it again if you still feel selfish. Try to feel genuine concern about their lives, self-respect, health, connection with Hashem (it's really huge for everyone to have a relationship with Hashem, rather than be fooled by chazerai and living death, no? And not just Yidden, right?). Aren't you a nice guy? ("Of course I am!"). Don't you wish good for everyone? ("er, sure..."). So? Daven for her!!! And hey: I doubt using her image to lust is called caring. (".....ummm...."). 

Also, you can try to give your eyeballs to the Ribono Shel Olam (as a sacrifice) while you are driving/walking to work/yeshiva. I used to say the parsha of the Tomid (bal peh, of course) while driving into work, instead of taking that "second look" at the first image of a woman that I noticed in an adjacent car (or walking/jogging by) every morning. I treated the ta'ayvo - that I excruciatingly painfully gave up - as a korban to Hashem. I made it more real to me by saying the parsha, as Chazal tell us to do in lieu of giving the korban. (Note from admin: The words "zeh ha'Ishe asher Takrivu LaHashem" can be translated to mean "this is the woman that you should sacrifice to Hashem :-)

BTW - it was very important for it not to be the parsha of an olah or a chatos - it isn't kaporo I am interested in here at all. Guilt/Teshuva and kaporo are all strictly Hashem's business, as they have proven to be far too poisonous for me to worry about. My natural approach to them was infected with my old ways of "sick thinking" that got me screwed up in the first place. Chas vesholom for me to go back there, no matter how "frum" it may seem.

So it's a Korban Tomid. Just a gift for Hashem, cuz He's my Best Friend, My G-d, and I serve Him - rather than myself or Lust - as often as possible. A nice thing to do, no?

Besides, I found that "setting the table" well by giving up the very first "second look" made the entire trip to work safer for me! It was a really nice eyeball upgrade, though temporary - after all, it required daily rebooting and frequent refreshing for a few months, till it becomes much more natural.

I'm rambling again, but "Nu". Hope it helps somehow. It's not advice nor preaching, just sharing one addict's personal experience with another.

Thursday  ~  30 Kislev, 5770  ~  December 17, 2009
6th Day of Chanukah

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

In Today's Issue

• Practical Tip the Day: Visualization
• Q & A of the Day: "Why have we been burdened with these onerous tasks?"
• Battle Communication: The Teffilah from the Other Me
• The GYE Lighthouse (part 2): Klal Yisrael's Best & Brightest

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Practicle Tip of the Day

Visualization

"silentbattle" writes some advice on the forum:

When things are calm, picture yourself being faced with a challenge and in your mind picture yourself, instead of acting out, doing something specific instead, like getting up and going to a different room, going for a jog, calling a friend, e-mailing someone, etc... Picture this scenario again and again, so that when the time comes, that will almost be your natural reaction to the situation.

"becomeholy" reinforces this idea:

Excellent advice! Basically what you're doing is re-training your subconscious to do something other than act out when you're challenged. Since this is an addiction, you're NOT in control when it happens. "Practicing" a different course of action helps re-train yourself to act differently when your subconscious is in charge and not you.

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Q & A of the Day

"Why have we been burdened with these onerous tasks?"

A Non-Jew, who has been getting the Chizuk e-mails for almost two years, wrote me an e-mail today:

Dear Guard,

Recently, I have been thinking to myself that God wants us to fulfill our full potential. However, how can we do that if we've been weakened, bloodied and scarred by the consequences of masturbation, lust and pornography?

I'm not angry with God or feeling sorry for myself, but the truth is, that the time, energy, health and opportunities that so many of us have lost because of this - can never be fully replaced, if at all.

Though it is true that I am no longer addicted to those horrors and I'm not in a hell on earth anymore, I know that the effects of those lost years are following me, and will be with me till the day I die. Sure, I discovered the truth through an ordeal of suffering, and I learnt a lot about human nature and life, but the cost, even today, seems too heavy a price to have paid. 

I know that we very well could be the generation before Messiach, but why have we been burdened with these onerous tasks? 

I hope I haven't angered and annoyed you by my questions Reb G, but your insight and wisdom have put me at peace so many times before. Thanks for your time and help.

We replied:

One day we will all understand why we needed to be hammered out of the walls of a deep underground cave, gathered piece by piece, filtered through water, cleansed through fire, melted in a huge smelting pot, and poured into a mold... all so that ultimately we will be beautiful statues of pure gold, standing tall in the Palace of the King, where he will take great pride in us - and we will bask in His glory and love, as He recalls the long and difficult journey that it took to get us there! :-)

On a related note, Dov wrote today on the forum:

I heard an alcoholic once say that he believed that "it took every single drink I ever  had ... to get me to the point in recovery that I am at right now."It's a painful - but beautiful - experience to shed guilt and let go of our evils.

And that's what life's all about. The pain and suffering that we endured, is all part of the beautiful journey. Without it, we'd never get where we need to.
 

Battle Communication

The Teffilah from the Other Me

"Letakein" writes on the forum:

I just listened to the new Boruch Levine CD and one of the songs has the coolest message...

The song is about a shnorer who decides to become a fake Rebbe so that people will donate to him in return for his giving them a bracha. The plan works out fabulous. He rakes in the money as a real crook... One day, a mother comes in and cries to him that her daughter is dying, and she begs him to pray for her. He realizes that this woman is depending on him and he goes into a locked room and begins crying to Hashem. He says: "Hashem, I know I'm a crook and I don't have the merit to save this girl, but this mother is depending on me through her simple faith in Tzadikim. I know that only You, Hashem, can do this. So please listen to my tears and heal this innocent girl."

The girl is miraculously healed, and the song ends with the words:

A lesson we can learn from this, the lesson rings so true,
the essence of a prayer's weighed by what's inside of you.
The tears we shed are always there - a little or a lot,
though at times we may pretend to be someone who we're not.

How amazing are those last 2 lines! I've thought like that so many times! I'd act out and then cry my eyes out during Mincha. And I would think to myself, "you're such a hypocrite! Now you cry to Hashem after you just did THAT?". But this story clearly shows us the power of a sincere Tefilla at anytime, from anyone!

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The GYE Lighthouse
(Part 2)

Klal Yisrael's Best & Brightest

"shmiratainayim" wrote on the forum two days ago:

Ok, so I accept this addiction as a fact, but it's so hard to fight it. I'm single, in the parsha of Shidduchim, and gifted with the capabilities to create an uprising in the Jewish world (in chinuch, kiruv krovim or kiruv rechokim). But I'm wasting my potential at the computer screen. When away from the computer, I learn from early morning to late nights, with hislahavus, amailus, etc. I can take a Maharal and compile/summarize it into such an understandable manner that even non-religious Yidden see it as sensible, understandable and pertinent. I can address large audiences and present a powerful and heartfelt message that leaves them truly touched - and with a smile on their face. I have a lot of potential, but I waste it all by not giving up on this one vise!!!! If only for the sake of the people I can help later on in life, please help me break this addiction. Please!

"Kollel Guy" Responds:

I have a scary thing to tell you. Being that you are an addict, there is absolutely nothing that anyone can tell you that will "convince" you not to go back to it. It might make an impression on you, you might not do it now, you might not do it tomorrow either, but when it's 'addiction' vs. 'divrei hisorerus', 'addiction' wins - by hook or by crook. Addiction is a disease, and it must be dealt with using a different set of tools than you're used to thinking of.

I tried for years to kick my p**n habit by 'getting my act together' in numerous ways. And while everything else in my life fell into place through 'getting serious' and 'shaping up', this just wouldn't budge. And I'd go through streak after streak, fall after fall, each time thinking that a different 'nekudah' was really what was causing the problem. And then I'd try to work on that nekudah, thinking that had I only worked on it sooner - I would have been done with this long ago. And I'd be confident that now that I was going to develop that new 'mindset' or start that new 'hanhagah', I would no longer have the problem.

Needless to say, I'd be back to the same question of "where did I go wrong this time?" a week, or a month, or 3 months later.

And this continued until I found this site and learned what an addiction is, and it's nature, and how it controls a person's thinking, and how a different set of tools are necessary to beat it.

Until we don't recognize that distinction, we are like people trying to blow up a tire with a hole in it. No matter how hard you try, unless you patch up that hole first, you won't get very far.

I seriously hope you read the handbook and "Hit bottom while you're still on top".

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"baLetaher" wrote on the forum yesterday:

Hello to everyone,

This is my first foray into the world of GYE, and I'm really hoping that it will become a real force in my life, as I've been battling the other forces for too long.

I'm happily married to a beautiful and loving woman, and together we are raising a bunch of wonderful children, yet there is a side of me that no one knows about, a side of me that has been eating away at me for almost as long as I can remember. That side of me is the Mr. Hyde to my Dr. Jekkyl, the crazed sicko who gets set loose at night and does horrifically shameful things. Being a true Ohaiv Ha-shem, who really loves the Aibishter and his Torah and Mitzvos, this creates an enormous amount of conflict in my life, leading me to feelings of isolation - despite being surrounded by people who love me; and despair - despite leading a relatively successful life. 

To compound those feelings, I am involved in Avodas Hakodesh, so while people are looking to me for inspiration, I'm sometimes involved in things that if they had the slightest clue of, they would pillory me in the town square. This makes me feel even more like a fake and a fraud, despite the fact that all I really want to do in my life is bring people closer to Avinu Shebashamayim. Many times, I have thought about quitting my job, recognizing that I'll never really be able to inspire others if there's no gas in my fuel tank, but I'm reminded of the fish's response to Rabbi Akiva, "If in the water, the place of our life, we need to fear, how much more so on dry land, the place of our death!" So I guess I will try to stay close to the water. Besides all the teaching I do, I personally learn for hours every day, sometimes immediately followed by a most inglorious session of shmutz!. I just keep trying to slog through the muck.

Today is day 1 of my journey. I hope you can give me the chizzuk I need to make it out of my living hell.

Besides for our usual welcoming post with links to the handbooks, we responded as follows:

Dear baLetaher,

Your story is the same as so many others on this site. It brings tears to my eyes to see how our best and brightest are finding themselves wallowing in the mud. Someone just sent me the following yesterday:

I heard a medrash quoted by Rav Kessin. It relays a conversation between Moshiach ben Yosef and Hashem.. Moshiach ben Yosef has become aware of the possibility that many of the Jewish people will not make it through to the times of Moshiach. This upsets him greatly and he declares his readiness to do whatever it takes so that they should survive. Hashem responds and says that in order to save them, he will have to descend to the depths of impurity in order to save every last soul, as many of them will be entrenched in evil. He agrees to this, and as he is sent down into the spiritual abyss, Moshiach ben Yosef screams in horror at the depths of the depravity he encounters, but nevertheless does accomplish his goal.

Who knows if your soul - and other holy souls like yours - don't perhaps contain a spark of Moshiach Ben Yosef that had to enter the depths of depravity, so that WHEN YOU FINALLY BREAK FREE of this though your own personal journey of Messiras Nefesh, you will be able - through the wisdom you gained thereby - to pull hundreds of OTHER Yidden out as well, along with you!

So let's begin this journey to the light, for the honor of Hashem, TODAY, on Chanukah - in a time when the king descends limata me'asara and when one can do Teshuvah from even the lowest sins! (see the Divrei Chaim - quoted in Chizuk e-mail #656)

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About a year ago, a prestigious Mechanech wrote us once for help:

Dear GUE,

Sorry For anonymity but it would be a Chillul Hashem to show my real face. I am a prestigious mechanech and respected marriage counselor. I helped a lot of Bachurim and couples in their own sexual problems. But as chazal say "ain chovish matir atzmoh", I can't be in command of myself at all, I need access to the net for my profession, and being a computer guru, I have outsmarted the filters & locks.

If you would know who the writer is you would weep for weeks. I can't tolerate it any longer. It seems to me that he only way is by including outside help. However SA meetings are out of question due to my caliber, and letting my wife in does also not come in consideration. Do you think I can be helped without blowing my secret?
 

We answered him and got him involved in our network and forum.
About 4 months later he writes:

R' Guard, you can not visualize the effect that GYE has had on my life.
Since I joined the forum my life has simply CHANGED for the better
Like a turtle slowly (actually rapidly) emerging from his shell.
Starting to live a lively life, a life of control and reason.
To understand myself, and the others around me.
I opened my eyes, grasped my deterring situation, and made a swift U-turn.
WOW!! One hundred twenty five days.
125 days ago I joined the forum
125 days ago I was reborn
Right, I consider myself an infant of 4 months old.
I watch my soul growing daily, as a kid would regularly appraise his height.
My Davening has not been with such devotion for a very long time.
The learning has become superior, since the tranquility of my conscious.
I observe my social life advancing, like a professional PR entering a club.
My kith and kin have never been closer to me, then the last few months.
My friends encircle me, as bees would surround their comb
And the list goes on and on...

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Mi LaHashem Alai!

Click the image above to view a clip from AISH.com
about the power of each individual light

Rabbosai, our very best and brightest are being pulled into she'ol tachtis! But with your help we can change the world, one person at a time. If each of you does his part to heal themselves; and if each of you helps spread the word about our work amongst your e-mail contacts, or by writing anonymous letters to Rabbanim, askanim, mashgichim; and/or if each person donates what they can (see the bottom of this e-mail for donation options)... Together we can light up the NIGHT, one candle at a time!

A little light banishes a LOT of darkness!

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It's the few of us MACCABEES up against the rest of the world. Help us fight the great tests of today's generation, which are seeping in to the very best of our homes. Help us light up the night, one candle at a time.

Through your donation, many more Yidden will be able to be helped.

Please ask us how to donate through PayPal.

To donate anonymously, please see this page for details.

For larger amounts, we have a FULLY ANONYMOUS tax deductible donating option. Ask us How!

If you can't afford a donation, help GYE with your old STUFF! Click here for more information.

Friday  ~  1 Teves, 5770  ~  December 18, 2009
7th Day of Chanukah ~ Erev "Zos Chanukah"
Erev Shabbos Parshas Miketz

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In Today's Issue

• Chanukah: "Zos Chanukah" and King Menashe
• Saying of the Day: Never Say Never
• The GYE Lighthouse (part 3): Clip from Rabbi Twerski - and MORE!

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Chanukah

"Zos Chanukah" & King Menashe

Many Sefarim bring down that the final judgement that began on Rosh Hashana can still be reversed until Zos Chanukah. One of the Karliner Rebbes once said that "the shmattes can shelp their Teshuvah until Zos Chanukah". We're all shmattes, and we can all grab ahold of this last opportunity for the Teshuvah that we began on Rosh Hashana.

In this light, I would like to bring a powerful post about Teshuvah from our forum by "MosheW", based on a lecture he once head from Rabbi Wachsman of Monsey:

There is an amazing (yet little known) medrash about King Menasha that I would like to share with the chevra:

At about the midpoint of Menasha's reign, the Babylonians (or Assyrians, depending on the source) kidnapped him and brought him back to Babylon (as stated in Divrei HaYamim / Chronicles). They placed him in a giant pot at started cooking him alive. Suddenly, as things were heating up, Menasha started calling out to all the pagan deities he worshiped, pleading with them to save him. As thing were getting hotter and hotter to the point where he could no longer take it, he suddenly remembered that his father once told him that "even if a sharp sword is resting on your neck, don't give up, the Ribono Shel Olamcan still have mercy". Left with no choice, he called out to Hashem and brazenly said,"if You help me - good, and if not, You are no better than all the other pagan deities that I worship". The medrash continues that when the Angels heard this, they went ballistic. "How dare he talk to God that way!" they said. Quickly, they sealed all the doors and windows leading to Hashem's heavenly chamber, in an effort to block his prayers. In response, our loving Father in Heaven dug a small tunnel under His Kisei HaKavod (Holy Throne), allowing Menasha's prayers to come before Him. The Angels were perplexed as to why Hashem would allow and accept such a brazen attempt of repentance. Hashem explained that "if I close the door of repentance before Menasha then I have to close the door of repentance before every single sinner in the future". Suddenly Menasha found himself back in Jerusalem on his throne. 

Let us analyze this story, if we may. Who was Menasha? Chaza"l tell us that Menasha was a mass murderer. He built idols that were so enormous and heavy that it took one thousand people to move them, and many people were crushed by their weight in the process. He sacrificed his own children to the Baal. He placed multiple brazen images in the holy of holies so that regardless of which direction the divine presence turned, it would be forced to see the images and get angry. Chaza"l further relate that Menasha had relations with his sister just for spite (not for pleasure). Basically, we are talking about someone who was the worst of the worst, who sinned just for spite, all the while forcing others to sin as well. Menasha was so successful in eradicating Torah from the Jewish people, that his own grandson Yoshiyahu (Josiah) did not see an actual Sefer Torah for the first 20 years of his life.

Looking at Menasha and the way he lived, one would think that perhaps he had a difficult childhood, or maybe he came from a broken home, maybe his father was abusive;  bad friends, etc. Who was Menasha's father? His father was Chezkiah (Hezekiah). The Gemara states that Chezkiah was among the greatest kings from the house of King David, second only to King David himself. He was so great and lofty that Hashem wanted to make Chezkiah the Moshiach. After his passing, they placed aSefer Torah on his bier proclaiming: "this one fulfilled everything that is written in this one". Basically, Menasha was the worst of the worst, and at the same time, he was the son of the best of the best. Yet Hashem lovingly accepted his brazen repentance, so much so, that he built a special tunnel for it to come directly before Him.  

Why did Hashem do this? The commentaries explain that at that moment of Teshuvah, Menasha was sincere and truly wanted to return to God (even though he was slowly becoming soup). As a matter of fact, he did indeed spend his remaining years trying to reverse all the atrocities he committed.

Sit back and think for a moment. We are not Menasha, nor have we committed anything close to what he did. Therefore, how much more so will our loving Father in Heaven accept us and ourTeshuvah?

As you are reading this posting, He is sitting on his Kisei HaKavod looking into that tunnel and waiting for us to come home. As bad or dark as it may seem to be, even if we have fallen so deep "into the soup" that we can't crawl out, ALWAYS remember Menasha, what he did, and how Hashem took him back.  

Good Shabbos and ah freilichen Chanukah!
 

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Saying of the Day

NEVER SAY NEVER

The Rambam in Mishne Torah, Hilchos Teshuva 3:14 writes:
 

"WE CAN NEVER SAY TO OURSELVES THAT WE ARE SO DEEPLY ENTRENCHED IN SIN THAT NOTHING CAN HELP US. WITH COURAGE AND CONVICTION WE CAN MOVE FORWARD IN REPENTACE, KNOWNING THAT HASHEM WILL HELP."

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The GYE Lighthouse
(Part 3)

If the sections called "The GYE Lighthouse" (parts 1 and 2) in the Chizuk e-mails of the past two days haven't been enough to convince anyone of the terrible darkness of our generation and of the vital importance to Klal Yisrael of the work that we are doing at GYE, maybe this 4 minute audio clip from Rabbi Twerski can help convince them :-).

This clip is from a talk that Rabbi Twerski gave just two days ago (I cut out the part that is the most relevant to us). In the clip, he discusses how internet addiction has become the most destructive addiction in our community today, and how easy it is to get addicted (less than a second!!). He also discusses how we are losing our BEST & BRIGHTEST to it. (He ties it in with Chanukah, so make sure to listen to the clip before Chanukah is over :-)

The rest of the shiur is about Tikkun Hamidos, which is the underlying Yesod of the 12-Steps. To hear the entire shiur, download it here (it's only 14.30 minutes).

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"Kollel guy" responds to the audio clip (on the forum):

"If I hadn't personally experienced what he's describing, I would definitely think he's exaggerating."

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"MGSBMS" wrote on the forum yesterday, after reading the "GYE lighthouse" section in the Chizuk e-mail:

Hi every one! I haven't updated this forum for a while, I have a few things to shake out so I'll get right to it. Before I joined this site, I was slipping and falling on a daily basis for about a year. Not "live" acting out, but I was getting there. Then, besiyata d'shmaya, I found this site a few days after Pesach and I had a clean streak for four months. After a fall at the end of August, I had another clean streak from beginning of Elul till I fell again this week without rhyme or reason (another 4 month streak). While I was on these clean streaks, I hardly had to fight. Just reading the daily e-mails and counting the days was a great motivator!

I opened today's email after being depressed for two days after my fall, and I was shocked to see that it was written just for me. Without going into details (because I feel it could cause a chilul Hashem), I was able to identify with this quote fully:

"To compound those feelings, I am involved in Avodas Hakodesh, so while people are looking to me for inspiration, I'm sometimes involved in things that if they had the slightest clue of, they would pillory me in the town square. This makes me feel even more like a fake and a fraud, despite the fact that all I really want to do in my life is bring people closer to Avinu Shebashamayim. Many times, I have thought about quitting my job, recognizing that I'll never really be able to inspire others if there's no gas in my fuel tank, but I'm reminded of the fish's response to Rabbi Akiva, "If in the water, the place of our life, we need to fear, how much more so on dry land, the place of our death!" So I guess I will try to stay close to the water. Besides all the teaching I do, I personally learn for hours every day, sometimes immediately followed by a most inglorious session of shmutz!. I just keep trying to slog through the muck"

I related to that so much, that it felt as if someone was reading my mind! And I must add that it gave me a tremendous amount of chizuk to know that I'm not alone in this kind of conflict. But this is all more reason for the Marbitzei Torah on this forum to blaze the path and show the way of milchemes hayetzer - and not let it take over our lives!
 

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To the Talmid Chacham who recently joined us (quoted above in blue), "RATM" (Rage at the Machine) wrote yesterday:

Welcome to our community. I am not as big a Talmid Chacham as you, but I also felt the "contradicting life"... It hurt... But the thing is, an addiction is a disease... Just like a Talmid Chacham and an Am ha'Aretz can both get rabies or allergies or prostate cancer, they can both get this addiction... And the truth is, contracting this disease was hardly our fault - if at all... We were born into a world that didn't give us much of a chance in this war... We were born into an age where the efforts to turn everyone into "mindless drones" that worship sex and lust is too great... But as the Titanic is sinking, this little paddle boat of GYE is filling up... And we're not just gonna paddle to the shore, but we're gonna fill that hole that's sinking the ship... So we need you, especially since you are a Talmid Chacham... Thank you for joining the revolution!

Sunday  ~  3 Teves, 5770  ~  December 20, 2009

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In Today's Issue

• The GYE Lighthouse (part 4): Clip from Rabbi Twerski - and more.
• Daily Dose of Dov: "What does being a nut have to do with Yiddishkeit?"
• Breaking News: The First Live GYE Meeting / Kumzitz

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The GYE Lighthouse
(Part 4)

An Audio Clip from Rabbi Twerski - A MUST HEAR!!


 

If the sections called "The GYE Lighthouse" (parts 1 through 3) in the Chizuk e-mails of the past few days haven't been enough to convince anyone of the terrible darkness of our generation and of the vital importance to Klal Yisrael of the work that we are doing at GYE, maybe this 4 minute audio clip from Rabbi Twerski can help :-).

This clip is from a talk that Rabbi Twerski gave just a few days ago. In the clip, he discusses how the world is changing faster than we can keep up with, and how internet addiction has become the most destructive addiction in our community today. He also discusses how easy it is to get addicted (less than a second!!), and how we are losing our BEST & BRIGHTEST to this "horrible addiction".

The rest of the talk is about Tikkun Hamidos, which is the underlying Yesod of the 12-Steps. To hear the entire speech, download it on this page (it's only 14.30 minutes).

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Click the image above to view a clip from AISH.com
about the power of each individual light

Rabbosai, our very best and brightest are being pulled into she'ol tachtis! But with your help we can change the world, one person at a time. If each of you does his part to heal themselves; and if each of you helps spread the word about our work amongst your e-mail contacts, or by writing anonymous letters to Rabbanim, askanim, mashgichim; and/or if each person donates what they can (see the bottom of this e-mail for donation options)... Together we can change the tide.

The lesson we need to take from Chanukah for the whole year, is that "a little light banishes a LOT of darkness"!

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Daily Dose of Dov
Dov is sober in SA for over 10 years. See his story here.

"What does being a nut have to do with yiddishkeit?"

There was some discussion on the forum about where the idea of "addiction" is possibly mentioned in Chazal and/or various s'farim. Dov responds:

You may be completely different than I, but maybe not, so I'll share:

Facing the facts about myself is basically the only thing that has been of value to me in getting free - one day at a time. And to do that, I need to be explicit and totally open with other (safe) people.

By contrast, understanding how my problem and its solution fits into my understanding of Torah, was of no use use at all in changing my behavior.

If it mattered enough to stop me, then I would not have habitually and frequently done so many things that I knew were wrong in the first place! After all, I knew in my heart that it was wrong from day 1.

For example, I read Yesod Yosef (the one that the Kitzur Shulchan Aruch refers to, not the one written by the Rebbe of the Kav Hayashar), and knowing the issur and its damage and gravity helped me know exactly how guilty, confused, and afraid of punishment to be. That was all. Those things got me good and desperate.... to act out some more, in order to feel better.

Actually, maybe it stopped me twice. And some people out there will say that "the whole thing was worth it even just to stop you from doing it those two times!,". To them I say: Very nice, but tell that to the devastated wife and wrecked family that developed over years of sick behavior and a hidden double life. Those scars may never heal, for generations. It's no consolation for them that your Olam Haba is a bit better because "at least Tatty or Mommy were spared from acting out a few times...". They (and we) need recovery, today. Period.

"Kanesher" responds:

I think that Dov is trying to tell us that our focus is wrong. Our "whole question" should be elsewhere; IY"H after a year of recovery, we can discuss the halachic and haskafchik ins and outs. But now, our focus needs to be on the nature of our addiction, not the fire and brimstone. Seriously, FORGET ABOUT the rest. Just recover.

Is that what you mean, Dov?

Dov responds:

You're right on, as far as I am concerned.

A frum yid, a lamdan, starts doing something that is really, really stupid. He does it once. He does it again. He regrets it each time and feels terrible about it. Slowly he makes this stupid mistake fifty times and it starts to get expanded into something even more stupid. When he thinks it over, he realizes that he is, in fact, acting like a total idiot. He therefore hides his behavior and only does it in the utmost secrecy and privacy. He continues acting like a jackass for ten years and finds out that he'd better not let his wife get wind of it, for it'd mess their marriage up a great deal. He is violating trust and undermining his own self-respect by acting in this immature and idiotic way, but he finds that as much as he tries, he cannot succeed at stopping. He figures he must just be a moron. After all, he is doing the same really dumb stuff habitually. And he can't stop!

You'd agree that he's got some kind of major mental problem. Seriously, no?

Would you say that this fellow has a problem that is dealt with in s'forim? Mishlei spends a lot of time telling us not to be jerks. Have you checked it out? It also talks a lot about alcoholism, womanizing, gambling, raging and lusting. It doesn't matter if it's in a sefer. After all, don't you feel that doing all - or any - of these things is, in fact, just plain stupid?

Yet we do them, anyway. Even though these things are stupid, and we are smart. 

Or are we?

If you find that you keep doing this stuff even though it's stupid, then what does being a "nut" have to do with yiddishkeit at all? That is what I'd like to know.

There are plenty of s'forim that discuss these issues, and there are even some that outline a program like the 12-Steps. But to me, the more relevant question may be, why is there no group movement of people in Yiddishkeit to deal with these issues?

We respond to Dov:

Good question, Dov. Well, maybe the time has come... Maybe people like you, me, and the rest of the good folks at GYE will help answer this need one day. Perhaps...

Rabbosai, we CAN make a world-wide revolution. But to do that, we need YOU.

If we fix ourselves, we have fixed the world.

With G-d's help, one person at a time, we will change the tide.

Someone told me a nice vort yesterday. Why does it say in Al Hanissim: "You (Hashem) revenged THEIR revenge"? Shouldn't it say "you revenged YOUR revenge"? After all, they were doing it for Hashem's sake! Answers the Chidah, that the Chashmona'yim felt that a life without Torah and Mitzvos was not worth living at all. It was not just for "Hashem". They felt that their OWN lives were at stake!

And that is why all you good folks at GYE, who understand and have experienced the pain and scars of the nisyonos of our generation, are the most qualified to fight this war of Hashem. We are standing off against an entire world full of lust-glorification, but we are fighting for our very own LIVES. And when Hashem sees that it is a matter of life-and-death for us, he will step in and give over the POWERFUL into the hands of the WEAK.

As Dov once said: "I don't care what 'lav' suicide is. I don't want it for other reasons!"

When Hashem sees that we want to stop - and help other Yidden stop as well - because we recognize that continuing these behaviors is suicide, then Hashem will step in and make miracles for us!

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Breaking News!

The First Live GYE Meeting / Kumzitz!

A member who calls himself "ImTrying" on our forum, arranged for a live Kumzitz on Chanukah for some of the other "brave" members of our forum in Israel. We hope that this will be the beginning of BIGGER things one day, be"h.

Connecting with others in the same boat as us, and getting "out of isolation" are cornerstones of recovery.

"Imtrying" hopes to arrange such a gathering at least once a month, and we hope that it will grow and grow. Perhaps the idea will spread to the U.S too!

To find out info on the next live gathering, contact Imtrying or post on this thread.

Since anonymity is vital to such gatherings, no one will be allowed to join unless they have been posting on the forum for a while and are recognized by everyone to be sincere.

If anyone wants to pioneer such a group in the U.S, in a place with a large Jewish community such as Lakewood, Boro-Park, Monsey, Baltimore, etc... please post the idea on the forum and see if you get any bites!

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"Eye.nonymous" wrote us an e-mail after the Kumzitz:

The kumzits was really inspiring. Also, thanks for calling in. It really meant a lot to us.

As we sat around the table singing together, about 7 of us, I got this vision. You know how all these big Yeshivos today started off about 20 years ago with a handful of guys in a cheap one-room apartment?

I thought of this little chevra, and that there would be more of them, and more of them, and bigger and bigger, worldwide! ... Groups of people joining together in this fight against Tumah.

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"Imtrying" posted on the forum:

I would like to take this opportunity to publicly thank all those who came to the Kumzitz. It was really nice and couldn't of been done without all of you. We hope in the future we'll get even more members!

Special thanks to my Holy Brothers; Momo, sturggle, Uri, Levite, eye.nonymous, and ilovehashem, who joined us.

I would like to also thank our Holy Guard for calling in and sharing such beautiful insights with us, and for the GYE Rebbetzin (7Up) for calling in as well. I think it meant so much to all of us to really get to talk to - and hear from - those who guide us here on GYE daily.
 

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"Momo" posted on the forum:

First, a huge thank you to Imtrying for organizing it, hosting it, and providing the food (along with the extra special surprise cake!).

Next, a big thanks to everyone who came. It was so nice to finally meet Imtrying, Struggle, Eye.nonymous, Levite, and of course URI!!!

Lastly, a big thanks to Guard and 7Up who "attended" the party by phone. For me, that was the highlight of the evening. 

What did we do there? We ate, drank, talked, took turns reading a chizuk email together, and sang along with Uri and his guitar!

Yasher kochachem, and I hope we do it again every month.
 

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"KollelGuy" posted:

One of the hardest things I will ever have to accept, is that I chickened out of going at the last minute, due to nothing other than fear of showing my face. 

I really wish I could rewind the clock and make my way over there.

So when is the next Kumzitz?

Monday  ~  4 Teves, 5770  ~  December 21, 2009

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In Today's Issue

• Q & A of the Day: "How do I get out of this rut?"
• Daily Dose of Dov: "He found a way to get your attention!"
• Battle Communication 1: Appreciating our Ears
• Battle Communication 2: The Opposite of Taivah is Bitachon
• Battle Communication 3: We Can Only Change Ourselves
• Battle Communication 4: The Yetzer Hara is a Big Liar

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Q & A of the Day

"The joy of the challenge is gone.
How do I get out of this rut?"

"B'ahava" asks on the forum: 

I am struggling with depression and I can't pinpoint what's causing these feelings.

From an objective perspective, my life is just fine. In fact, better than ever. I'm 70 days clean! That was unimaginable for me for the past 8 years. I feel like I've figured out how to beat my biggest test. It's a big deal. I should feel proud.

But I'm not fulfilled. I just don't get it.

Maybe it's davka because I feel that this struggle is behind me. In the first 40 days, my tefilah was different. My thoughts were different. My life was dedicated to beating this yetzer harah. It was my only priority.

I guess I liked the challenge. I liked that I was finally seeing success. I liked that I could see Hashem's hand guide me through the struggle, by sending me this website, and by sending me the right friends and Rabbe'im.

But the joy of all that is gone now. Somehow, it no longer feels like an accomplishment. It feels like an expectation. It's turned into a 'been there, done that' sort of feeling.

Learning can be so good. But I haven't been to morning seder or shacharit for 3 weeks. I know it would be great if I'd go, but I just feel stuck in this rut.

Can any of you identify with my feelings? How do you deal with it?

Love always,
B'ahava

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We Responded:

Dear B'ahava, what you are feeling is very common. For many years, we used the addiction helped us "escape" from our real feelings. We stopped "feeling" life, and for every "bump" in the road, we had a solution. We would "medicate" ourselves with our "drug" whenever things weren't going smooth, or whenever we felt an inner discontent. 

As we remove the "drug", we start to feel again. 

Now for many, the beginning isn't so hard. Like you described, there is a feeling of "triumph" over the addiction and a new found happiness and purpose in life. But as time goes on and we get used to being clean, we start to really FEEL again. And this is not always a pleasant experience.

That is where the 12-Steps come in. They help addicts learn how to deal with real life once they start to really "feel" once again. You may want to join Duvid Chaim's anonymous phone conference .

May Hashem be with you!

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Daily Dose of Dov
Dov is sober in SA for over 10 years. See his story here.

He Found A Way to Get Your Attention!

Dov Responds to B'ahava's question above:

Dear B'ahava,

It's nice to be a baby again, isn't it? I mean, we are all babies here, just beginning on the path of sanity. And to finally be more sane means that in some respect I am finally beginning real avodas Hashem (as a shoteh is patur because his avoda is meaningless. A fruitcake can not do a miztva ;-).

"Pischu li sha'arei tzedek - Hashem! Please! Open the gates for me! Even if I'm a big Tzaddik already (Guard told us we are), and a ba'al teshuva already (he told us that, too) - I am still  a baby just starting out and standing just outside your door, Tatty! I'm not even inside the front gate yet!

Let me in to get started at being your real servant today!"

Zeh Hashar La'Hashem - this, i.e. knowing we haven't even started, is the gate to Hashem.

... and Dovid Hamelech said that many times in many different ways over his relatively short and relatively bitter life, even knowing that he had ruach hakodesh, etc., etc. He was always starting.

Don't just think it - that doesn't work. Feel it for a minute.

Repeat the pesukim of Hallel, if you think it'd help (I do). Look for the same idea in other parts of davening, like mizmor shir chanukas habayis l'dovid, etc. 

Why? Dovid hamelech answers: Zeh hasha'ar laShem! This is the attitude for success - Tzadikim yavo'u vo - even great tzadikim (like us ;-) use it over and over!! Humility is very useful.

As Golda Meir (oy vei) said, "Don't be humble, you're not that great". We have little to be "humble" about, because we have even less to be proud about. 

Don't be fooled. I cannot accept that Hashem brought you through this problem just to get you out of it so you could just move on from here as though nothing happened. He could have protected you from getting into the problem in the first place then, no?

Listen closely, my sweet Yid: To quote Rav Noach Weinberg,"He found a way to get your attention", probably because he was missing you a whole lot. Just look at the beautiful posts coming out of you here on this forum! This IS your trip, not just an accident He "saved" you from.

Hatzlocha!!

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Battle Communication

Appreciating Our Ears

"Lamed Vavnik" posted:

I went out with the family yesterday on a trip, and my shmiras eynayim was greatly tested. I kept my cool though-out, and I practiced closing my eyes on the bus and appreciating my ears. It was actually fun! I heard many more things with my eyes closed, and it gave them a break from the nisyoinos. Thank you Hashem for giving me eye-lids and for giving me ears.
     

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The Opposite of Taivah is Bitachon

Another great post by "Lamed Vavnik":

The Vilna Goan writes (in Even Sh'laymo) that bitachon (Trust in Hashem) is the opposite of taivah for physical pleasure. Taivos are based on a drive to fill a physical need that we feel we must have ... or we'll die. We must have it NOW. We feel that we must provide ourselves with it. WE feel that we have to take care of ourselves because if we don't, who will? Take it, steal it, etc... or you won't get it. To battle taivah we need to trust in Hashem. Trust teaches us the opposite. Hashem provides. Hashem takes care of us. Hashem gives us what we need. Let go and let G-d care for you.

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We Can Only Change Ourselves

"BecomeHoly" posted on the forum:

Do you tell Laticia walking down the street in her tank and short shorts to "realize" what she's doing to you? YOU CAN ONLY CHANGE YOURSELF! TRYING TO CHANGE OTHERS ALWAYS BACKFIRES. We can only change others by example. Perhaps they will make the changes to be like us once they're ready. But meanwhile, we can only work on ourselves. The Yetzer Hara wants us to blame it on the environment.... "It's not my fault... it's hers..." WRONG! I am responsible for me. I can only change me. I can only be a shining example to others.

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The Yetzer Hara is a Big Liar

"NOYA" (a 21 Year Old Bochur) rants on the forum:

Okay, I miss the lust. I want to act out. But what will happen then? Once I do it, I'll feel miserable about myself. I'll feel "out of it" for days. I'll feel dejected and I won't be able to concentrate on my davening and learning until I go to the mikvah, and that's a long walk in the cold. And even after that, I'll still feel out of it for a while. 

And how much pleasure is it anyway? It's maybe a few minutes of fun and games before you feel like a loser and an idiot. Compare that to how I feel when I'm doing well; learning with hasmada, davening well, etc... Now THAT feels good for a long time!

And it's a much better feeling than lust (albeit more subtle)... The Yetzer Hara augments the true pleasure before it happens, telling you it feels much better than it actually does. He's lying!

And come on man, there's something you gotta do for G-d. Just like you can't eat Cheeseburgers and drive on Shabbos, because those things destroy you spiritually. That's just the way it is. If you want to be able to function spiritually, you absolutely cannot look at this trash and spill seed. If you do, there will be a serious ''p'gam" in your spiritual blueprint and you won't be a tenth of the lamdan or chosid that you really could become. 

Okay, I don't want the lust anymore. Thanks for listening!

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Help us Help Others!

MosheW posted on the forum:

The other day I was listening to a Torah CD from a very famous Admor in Israel (it was from a weekly chumash shiurthat over a hundred people attend each week). He was talking about simchas ha'chaim and learning Torah. Out of the blue, he said that over the past weeks he has been dealing with two people; one a magid shiur and the other a mechaber of seforim, and both have fallen victim to a Yetzer Hara called "internet". He then when on to explain how they got hooked. I guess people are starting to approached Rabbonim about this issue more and more.

Rabbosai, Help us fight the great tests of today's generation, which are seeping in to the very best of our homes. Through your donation, many more Yidden will be able to be helped.

Please ask us how to donate through PayPal.

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If you can't afford a donation, help GYE with your old STUFF! Click here for more information.

Tuesday  ~  5 Teves, 5770  ~  December 22, 2009

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In Today's Issue

• Announcement: Zeva Starting New Group
• Attitude Tip of the Day: "Need = Connection"
• Story of the Day: "I've Changed my Ways"
• 12-Step Attitude: The Power of Live Groups

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Announcement

Professional Clinical Therapy with:
 Zeva Citronenbaum LCSWR CSAT



Zeva's group begins new cycle in January.

Strictly confidential

Only $200 for 10 weeks.

Please fill out the applications on this page.

Looking forward to an exciting new group. 

For more info contact:
Mrs. Zeva Citronenbaum
Confidential Hotline: 845-222-0580
e-mail: acoachservice@yahoo.com

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Attitude Tip of the Day

"Need = Connection"

A number of great warriors have experienced falls in recent days after long clean-streaks. "Holy Yid" writes:

Tonight, less than one hour ago, I fell after 139 days clean. I am very sad but trying not to beat myself up over it. I grew a lot over the last 4 and half months, and one thing that I feel now is that I won't go to bed hating myself, only very sad.

I am proud that I can admit to you all that I fell.

I will look at where I should have been more cautious and make better fences. I cut many corners over the last 4 months.

From now on -

1. Better filters

2. I thought I no longer had to keep other rules I have about where and when to use web. Now I see that I must be more strict with myself.

3. I also did not have any structure today. I have to be aware of how dangerous such situations are.

Tonight I learned where I am holding and I am working to accept it. From now on, I will have be more cautious and think much more like a recovering addict.

I really need to review the handbooks.

The bottom line is, that I am humbled by the force inside of me.

I love you all.

A response to Holy-Yid:

Dear very holy-Yid,

Like you expressed so eloquently, one of the most meaningful things that we can take out of a fall (particularly after a long clean streak) besides for brushing up on our defenses and strengthening our barriers, is simply the humility that we get when we realize that in spite of how well we were doing, we were able to fall - just like that.

This humility renews our connection with Hashem. The more we feel how much we NEED Hashem's constant mercy and help each day, the more connected and dependant we are on Him. And this kesher is so precious to Hashem, that sometimes He brings a Tzadik to fall for that reason alone.

Similarly, we quoted Dov yesterday:

I cannot accept that Hashem brought you through this problem just to get you out of it so you could just move on from here as though nothing happened. He could have protected you from getting into the problem in the first place, no? To quote Rav Noach Weinberg,"He found a way to get your attention", probably because he was missing you a whole lot. This IS your trip, not just an accident He "saved" you from.

And that is perhaps why Hashem sometimes brings us to fall, even when we are doing so well. Hashem gave us this disease because He wanted our attention. And maybe we start to get too complacent and self-confident after a while, and we begin to lose this precious kesher with Hashem... So He starts missing us again and wants to get our attention back - and BAM! - we fall and cry out to Him for help once again. After doing so well, we are shocked back into the reality of how dependant we really are on Him every moment. And this realization causes us to need Him more, which causes us to connect to Him on a deeper level.

And that is HUGE.

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Story of the Day

"I Have Changed My Ways"

"Sci1977" tells his story for the first time:

After much soul searching and deep honesty, I finally feel ready to share this story as I have a little bit of sobriety under my belt (no pun intended ;-)...

I was trying to write out my story now for about a week, but I had a lot of trouble doing so. I found myself repulsed by how I had let myself get this way. Since I started writing, all that keeps pouring into my mind is, "How sick have I been?" and "what did I do to my wife?" I question whether my wife can ever forgive me, or if I can even forgive myself fully. I hope that getting it all out will help in healing me.

The beginning of my story is one of much shame. When I was little, between the ages of 7 and 10, I was molested almost every day by a close family member. This caused me to never learn what true love meant. I could only relate to "lust". When I was around 17, I started to look at p**n and did that very frequently. As I got older, it was something I would do as a stress reliever.

I got married and had my first child, and all of a sudden I felt stress related issues hit me like a ton of bricks. I started looking more and more at p**n. After being married for about a year, it escalated from porn to prostitution. I acted out and went to inappropriate places. I got hooked and I couldn't get out. I battled with the fact that I was cheating on my wife, however I couldn't stop.

About year ago, I struggled hard to kick the habit. It didn't work. I then acted out even more; more porn, more prostitution, etc...

It seems that Hashem had seen my efforts to stop though, and He stepped in. Not long ago, my wife found out and confronted me about it. That was my real wake-up call. She was terribly angry and almost left me right then and there. But when we started talking again she said, "we will get through this together and I will help you find help".

I ended my acting out and I have been clean now for 33 days since finding this website together with my wife.

It is very hard to admit all that I have done, but when you release everything about yourself to others, it becomes clearer in your own mind. The more you tell and the more honest you are with yourself and with G-d, the more it helps. 

I admit that I used to lust for women to make me feel better. What I did not realize in all of this, is that my sex life had never been about deeper feelings like true love. Nothing was an "emotion", as my emotion had been damaged by the molestation I endured as a boy. I never thought about the other person for real. She was just an "object" for a physical act.

From now on, my actions must be more then that. They need to actions of love, not just lust. I need to have compassion, and most of all, my heart needs to be in what I do. 

I have changed my ways with the help of this website. I have worked on the 12-steps and I am reading the Handbook very slowly and carefully. I pray and talk to G-d a lot. I work on myself by learning to LIVE, and by just realizing what is around me; my wonderful family and all that surrounds me in life - like taking an extra second just to look up at the sky. I am also learning to feel G-d's embrace at all times, especially when things go well, like when I make a good business deal.

Today I am living with the knowledge that I am clean, and without the constant feeling that I am destroying my mind and soul. I was given a "wake-up call" by G-d and I need to use it in the right fashion.

I am thinking positive and living every second. I'm working hard on letting G-d take control over everything, and when I make a decision I ask myself, "is this something that G-d would approve of?" My heart - and all of me - feels so much better. 

I look back now and feel very degraded that I once had to do all those things to feel good. I should have just stayed at home and not looked elsewhere, but I can't do anything about the past. I can only move forward and pray that with G-d's help, everything will turn out OK with me and my marriage.

I am living life to its utmost now. I put my life in G-d's hands and try to focus on that which is good and decent about me.

With G-d's help, I WILL WIN THE BATTLES AND THE WAR!!

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12-Step Attitude

The Power of Live Groups

"Elya K" (moderator of the hotline and phone group) posted:

About 70 years ago, a doctor and a drunk went to the famous Carl Jung and asked him what it would take to get rid of the guilt and shame, the stigma and the hopelessness from drinking too much alcohol, raging and then feeling bad about it later.

Carl Jung answered: "let people get together in a group and tell their stories and when they are finished telling their stories, do not criticize or give advice - just accept that person for who they are."

We are all in this together. The proven way to get better and heal is to literally speak the shame and guilt out of your mouth and out of your body, similar to what we do on Yom Kippur at Viduy time. It is difficult to admit your faults and falls in public, AND THAT IS EXACTLY WHY WE MUST DO IT. We co-dependent, addictive, compulsive, lonely souls must learn to fill up the gaping holes in our souls with honesty instead of with acting out in our disease (dis-ease).

What we hold in our bodies and our minds grows more powerful, like le'havdil a cancer, chas v'sholom, and the more power we give it and let it grow the more it affects us negatively.. Rigorous honesty is the key.

The power of the 'group concept' cannot be overstated. Isolation and loneliness are our worst enemies and our addiction's most treasured friend. The addiction reminds us constantly that our isolation will shield us from having to be honest with ourselves and others. And this is the power it has over us, until we kill the obsession by talking about it.... about our feelings... about our loneliness.... and yes, about the details of our acting out. Not in vague generalities like, "I did that m-word-thing"  but actually saying it and getting it out. Not necessarily just on the forum, but also in person.

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Help us Help Others!

"On the Road" posted on the forum:

There was a recent scandal which has rocked the frum community involving the issues we are working on here on GYE. I though to myself that the Rav involved could have been me, and it scared the heck out of me. G-d knows I am trying very hard to get out of this. I recently got a job (that is not very bekavodik, but it will help me put food on the table and keep me away from the computer for a few hours a day. I think that just being out and doing work outside of a computer terminal is going to be helpful for me. Thanks GYE family!

Rabbosai, Help us fight the great tests of today's generation, which are seeping in to the very best of our homes. Through your donation, many more Yidden will be able to be helped.

Please ask us how to donate through PayPal.

To donate anonymously, please see this page for details.

For larger amounts, we have a FULLY ANONYMOUS tax deductible donating option. Ask us How!

If you can't afford a donation, help GYE with your old STUFF! Click here for more information.

Wednesday  ~  6 Teves, 5770  ~  December 23, 2009

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In Today's Issue

• Correspondence with Rabbi Twerski
• Article of the Day: The Cancer of the Internet - By Rabbi Twerski
• Daily Dose of Dov 1: The Big Book
• Daily Dose of Dov 2: "I've had enough for a life-time!"
• Testimonial of the Day: A Community Just Like Me
• Announcement: Zeva Starting New Group

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Correspondence with Rabbi Twerski

We wrote an e-mail to Rabbi Twerski yesterday:

Dear Rabbi Twerski,

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Daily Dose of Dov
Dov is sober in SA for over 10 years. His story can be found here.

The Big Book

Holy Jews,

Please consider getting hold of a copy of "Alcoholics Anonymous" and reading it, especially chapters 2 and 3. Just substitute the word "Lust" in place of "alcohol". You can download it here for free, but I like holding a good old-fashioned book in my hands.... (what a weirdo!)

If you actually read what it has to say and like it, then I'd suggest looking at the last two pages of "Step Two" in the other main AA text called "The 12 Steps and 12 Traditions" (download that here). It talks there about religious folks like us who nevertheless are in this crazy mess.

Hatzlocha Rabba!

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"I've Had Enough for a Lifetime"

Dov writes:

I have not knowingly lusted today and b"H have not acted out in a while, but when I share in meetings I still say things like "when I act out, I... blah, blah, blah... but b"H I don't need to do that today", because I believe that the day I start saying stuff like, "way back when I used to act out, I would...blah, blah, blah", I'll start to think I am now cured and can now control lust and "use it like a gentleman", as AA puts it quite humorously (regarding drinking).

No thanks! As Rav Noach Weinberg, zt"l liked to say, "Fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me!" I've had enough for a lifetime.

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Testimonial of the Day

A Community Just Like Me

"KollelGuy" posted on the forum:

I came on this site looking for help, half expecting either "yeshivishe raid" which won't have the slightest effect on my life, or mystical hallucinations about how you need to balance all the energetic forces within you - using love for nature.

Instead, what I found was a whole community of frum Jews JUST LIKE ME, who share the same difficulties and frustrations as I do, and who also seek to free themselves of the self-destructive habit they find themselves caught in, and who all help and support each other in truth, and with wisdom - usually from experience.

It's an amazing thing, and I'm just beginning to realize how it's changing my life in more than just one way.

Thursday  ~  7 Teves, 5770  ~  December 24, 2009

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In Today's Issue

• Daily Dose of Dov: Reconnecting to Reality
• Sayings of the Day: Some Great 12-Step Slogans
• Quote of the Day: By "RATM"
• Personal Victory of the Day: "I don't have to"
• Q&A of the Day: Do the 12-Steps Have Christian ideas?
• Link of the Day: Setting Limits

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Daily Dose of Dov
Dov is sober in SA for over 10 years. His story can be found here.

Reconnecting to Reality

Dov wrote to someone who felt that they were about to fall after having had to sit next to a triggering woman on a flight and having also seen triggering videos on the plane against their will...

Just last week I was on the way home on a bus and had a similar experience. It was a good thing I called a few folks including an addict who I used to sponsor, my wife (who thinks she sponsors me sometimes), and just a friend out of the blue - all just to reconnect with reality. Cuz my body's reality is that the women of the world would all 'attack me' if only nobody was watching. (What a nuuuuutttt!!!!!!!!!) And there will always be a cadre of 'hotties' out there for more of my home-grown BS to grow a farm on. That kind of BS, we have all had enough of, hopefully....

But, that's my pickle. My body goes right there. I mean pek'le.....whatever.

Hang in there, brother.

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Sayings of the Day

Some Great 12-Step Slogans

Posted by "Eye.nonymous" on the forum from this website:

I can't, He can, I think I'll let Him (Steps 1,2,3).

Sobriety is a journey, not a destination.

Live in the NOW.

If God seems far away, who moved?

Nothing is so bad, that a little lusting won't make it worse.

We are only as sick as our secrets.

Be part of the solution, not the problem.

I can't handle it God; you take over.

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Quote of the Day

After almost 4 months clean, "RATM" posted to someone on the forum:

As an addict, I fear my mind still wants to act-out with anything that's not buried in the ground... I can't hang around my head much, you see, because it is diseased... I need to be outside my head as much as possible, and to try to get into God's "head" so to speak... And trust me, there's a lot of good life out there to be had...

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Personal Victory of the Day

"I don't have to"

"SilentBattle" posted on the forum:

I got on the bus today, and it was like a sudden epiphany of freedom - I realized that "hey, I don't have to look around and see which girls are pretty!"

I hope it lasts...

I think the interesting thing was that it actually came to me as a kind of, "huh... y'know, I really don't have to do this." Kinda like realizing that there was this chore that I has scheduled every day, that I suddenly realized was optional all along.

"You mean I don't have to take out the garbage?" Cool, I can deal with that...

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Q & A of the Day

Do the 12-Steps have Christian Ideas?

At the Agudah Convention in New York, 2009, Rabbi Twerski endorsed the idea of 12 step programs, saying "they work" and denying that they need to have a Christian component. Each of the steps they entail, he said, "is in Chazal." Rabbi Twerski also put out a book called "Self Improvement? I'm Jewish" which shows how the 12-Steps can all be found in Chazal. For more from Rabbi Twerski on the 12-Steps vs. Chazal, see this page of correspondence that we had with him on this issue.

There's also a great article called "Addiction & Recovery Through Jewish Eyes" by Carol Glass, which compares the 12-Step program to the Teshuvah Templates of the Rambam and Rabbeinu Yona, finding remarkable similarities. (Right-Click the link and press "Save Target/Link As" to save the PDF article to your computer).

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Link of the Day

Setting Limits

This website/blog is intended to be a resource for those who wish to manage their internet browsing (surfing) behavior. On this page, there are a few interesting ideas on how to limit our time on the computer. This can be helpful in battling internet addiction, where the "bad stuff" often happens because we simply can't break away from the computer when we know we should.

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Battle Communications

"BeHoly" rants on the forum:

I read "Garden of Emunah" over Shabbos... it really makes everything so simple. We need to plain-and-simply connect to God. Fulfilling my selfish desires is against Emuna, because it means I feel that "I need to do this now or else I'll be _______". So instead of "let go & let god", I am doing the opposite every time I give in.

I need to refocus. Everything I do needs be with God's help. I need to focus on the fact that God is providing. Right now, God will help me finish this post. EVERYTHING. If I'm constantly thinking about God, I won't have time for other things... 

I'm in the process of setting up a Gvoice# so I will have an anonymous telephone number to use with a sponsor / partner soon. 

I read something today which I believe can be applied to us (from sefer Chofetz Chaim):

"The quality of shmiras haloshon should be attained gradually. The first step is to accustom oneself to avoid groups involved in idle conversation and to train oneself not to inquire about the latest gossip. One should train himself, little by little, until he reaches the point where he does not even want to be informed of any gossip. With the passage of time, Hashem will help him so that shmiras haloshon will become a part of his very nature. He will find it incredible that others can transgress the sin of speaking loshon hora, which to him has become something repulsive, like anything else which the Torah prohibits."

It's like imagining someone would eat cockroaches. I gag just thinking about it. (Not about the person. But about the action). And I also wonder why in the world people would subject themselves to that. They're obviously not well.... which means I can treat them like sick people.... I want to be repulsed by the sin...

The number 6 represents "Yesod". Imagine the power of Triple 6! :-)

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Friday  ~  8 Teves, 5770  ~  December 25, 2009
Erev Shabbos Parshas Vayigash

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In Today's Issue

• Parsha Thought 1: "And he cried on his shoulders more"
• Parsha Thought 2: BE HAPPY, DO TESHUVAH
• Tip of the Day: Dealing with Bad Thoughts & Fantasies
• Sayings of the Day: Great Slogans from AA
• Testimonial of the Day: G-d is Behind it All

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Parsha Thought 1

"And he cried on his shoulders more"

B'ahava had a fall after being clean for 74 days. He was terribly pained - and for the first time in his life, he found himself crying over it... Today (a few days later), he posted this beautiful vort on the Parsha:

I heard something nice from the Ktav Sofer that explains some of my behavior after my fall this week.

When Yaakov goes down to Egypt and finally sees Yosef, it says "va'yevch al tzavarav od," that Yosef cried on Yaakov's neck. Rashi explains that the word 'od' means that he cried more than the regular amount.

The Ktav Sofer explains that Yosef cried double, for 2 reasons. The first being the obvious and natural cry of joy, for reuniting with his father after all those years. The second though, was a cry of sadness, for all the years that he missed the guidance of his father.

But why was he crying over the missed years now? That part his life was done with! If anything, he should have cried davka when Yaakov was NOT there!

The Ktav Sofer answers that only when Yosef saw Yaakov again could he really understand what he missed out on all those years. You see, all the years of separation made Yosef forget about how much he would have gained from his father. He had become numb, unable to understand the greatness of Yaakov. Only now, when Yosef once again realized what was lacking in his life, could he cry.

Similarly, the Jewish people will shed tears of sadness with the coming of Moshiach. "Im lo a'aleh et Yerushalayim al rosh simchati" - The "rosh simcha" of the coming of the Moshiach is when we will fully understand how terrible the galus has been, and how much we were lacking by not having Yerushalayim.

This hit home for me because I cried over a sin for the first time in my life after my fall this week. I've always felt terrible about my falls, and it always bothered me why I couldn't cry.

Based on this Ktav Sofer, I see that over the past 8 years the Yetzer Harah had me in his clutches, and he made me numb to the feeling of kedusha and tahara. I had forgotten what it meant to live a life of purity.

Thank God, I was zocheh to 74 days of cleanliness. And the feelings came back.

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Parsha Thought 2

"BE HAPPY, DO TESHUVAH"

By "Bardichev"
(in his indelible style and CAPS-LOCK)

IN THIS WEEK'S PARSHA - VAYIGASH, AFTER YOSEF REVEALED HIMSELF TO HIS BROTHERS, THEY WERE SO ASHAMED OF THEMSELVES THAT THEY TRIED TO HIDE FROM HIM.

YOSEF HATZADIK PULLED THEM CLOSE AND TELLS HIS BROTHERS:

"VA'ATTA AL TIE'ATZVU - AND NOW, DON'T BE SAD".

SAYS THE HELIGER RADOMSKER REBBE ZT"L IN HIS CLASSIC SEFER TIFERS SHLOMO (IF YOU DON'T OWN ONE, BUY IT):

VA'ATTA IS A LASHON OF TESHUVA

VI'ATTA, WHEN YOU DO TESHUVAH, DO IT BESIMCHA!!!!

AL TEI-ATZVU, DON'T GET DEPRESSED!!!

WHEN WE DO TESHUVAH, WE ARE TURNING OUR BACK ON OUR OLD WAYS.

THE YETZER HARA FREAKS OUT.

WHAT'S THE LAST AMMO IN HIS ARSENAL??

THAT'S RIGHT, THE "D" BOMB.

"DEPRESSION".

HE HITS YOU BETWEEN THE EYES AND SAYS:

"UCHHH!! YOU VERMIN! YOU SINNED! HASHEM WILL NEVER, EVER ACCEPT YOUR TESHUVAH!!"

HE CAN TURN YOUR VERY OWN TESHUVAH JOURNEY INTO A DIVING BOARD RIGHT BACK INTO THE SEWER.

SO INSTEAD, WHEN WE DO TESHUVAH, WE SING, WE DANCE, WE SMILE, WE DRINK L'CHAIM!

YES, WE ARE HAPPY.

BUT WHAT OF THE OLD STUFF; THE BAGGAGE, THE SEWAGE, THE TAINTED MIND, ETC??

GOOD QUESTION, BUT HERE IS THE SECRET:

VI'ATTA!!!

THE "V" BOMB!!!

VI'ATTA = NOW.

WHAT WAS, WAS.

FROM HERE AND ON!!

KEEP ON TRUCKIN!!!

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For the same idea, listen to this great 5 minute clip from a shiur by Rabbi Shafier (www.theshmuz.com). To hear the whole shiur, click here.

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Tip of the Day

Dealing with Bad Thoughts & Fantasies

"YishuvHadas" came onto the forum asking how to deal with sexual fantasies... We sent him this link, which contains many great ideas on dealing with inappropriate thoughts. He responded:

Thank you for that link. There were many useful ideas and techniques there. Ideas for how to positively react and deal with the thoughts, and practical techniques for managing them. I like the idea of "welcoming them" rather than fighting the losing battle of actively trying to reject them.

I saw an interesting Maharsha yesterday that I think is also very useful on this topic. On daf 10b of Makkos, there is the famous statement: "B'derech sh'adam rotze lelech, molichim osso - the way that a person wants to go, he will be lead". It is usually understood that Hashem will lead the person in the way that that the person wants to go - for better or for worse. The Maharsha points out that "malochim" is plural and literally means "they" will lead him. Who are "they"? Also, it bothered me that Hashem would lead the person in possibly a bad direction. Why would Hashem do that? The Maharsha suggests that the "they" are actually malachim (angels). For every thought, word and action taken, a person creates a malach. For good thoughts, etc. a good malach is created. For bad thoughts, etc. a bad malach is created. Therefore, the person, by creating these malachim (angels) is actually causing himself to be directed. 

The GYE Handbook and Attitude Handbook talk about the neuron pathways that our behavior creates. These pathways may be the malachim that our behavior creates. The GYE community, by joining and working together, is certainly assisting everyone to create numerous good malachim to counter the bad malachim that we have created in the past, which is something that most people could not do on their own.

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"KollelGuy" writes some practical tips on dealing with fantasies:

I heard from the pele yoetz that anybody who desires that a bad thought should never enter his mind, "Eino ela taavoh" (this in itself is nothing but desire). Why? Either because he wants to be on such a high level that he doesn't have to deal with these things at all, or because he knows he will have to remove it, and that is not enjoyable and can be frustrating.

Some practical advice I can offer, is to make times during the day, say between 2pm - 4pm, and during that time every day - to be strong and not allow yourself any leeway to slip and intentionally daydream about these things. And if they pop in, then GENTLY let the thoughts out of your head.

Gradually, you can move the hours up along with your success, until you got the whole day in there :-)

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Sayings of the Day

Some 12-Step Slogans

Posted by "Eye.nonymous" on the forum from this website

Read them slowly, they contain great truths!

Willingness is the key.

No pain, no gain.

Just for today.

Decisions aren't forever.

Before you say I can't, say I'll try.

Don't quit before the miracle happens.

We're all here because we're not all there.

Practice an attitude of gratitude.

The road to sobriety is a simple journey for confused people with a complicated disease.

Have a good day, unless of course you have made other plans.

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Testimonial of the Day

G-d is Behind it All

"Sci1977" posted in his log on the forum:

Day 35. I am very pleased to report that my wife and I are making progress, and our marriage is getting stronger. I am feeling good and strong, no slips or falls and needed or wanted. I've worked hard over the past 35 days to have a strong will and great attitude. Now, acting this way is starting to become a real inner change.

I was looking at the blank Google homepage yesterday and it hit me that the same page that would have lead me to all the bad places - leads me to GYE! But then I realized that G-d is the one that helps me to GYE everyday. I can say that I have strong-will or say that my attitude is great - and it is, but the real reason I come here is G-d. I left this all to G-d, and I am truly blessed that I am lead here everyday.

He must have done something to my wife as well, because she is beside me more and more each day. She read my story (Chizuk e-mail #663) and my entire thread, and afterwards, I was not sure how she would react, but she was fine and told me that she was proud of me. That felt amazing.

I WILL WIN THE BATTLES AND THE WARS - WITH G-D'S HELP!!

Sunday  ~  10 Teves, 5770  ~  December 27, 2009

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Daily Dose of Dov
Dov is sober in SA for over 10 years. See his story here.

Dov's Story - and the Deep Lessons He Learned

This is a long piece by Dov, but well worth reading. If it's easier, print it out and read at your leisure.
(See the bottom for a short summary of the main Yesodos that I understood from Dov's words)

The issue of "addiction" vs. "Yetzer Hara, Aveiros and Teshuvah" has been discussed many times before on GYE, with me as a participant, too.

I love these issues, as they touch on the core of recovery for me and what it has done for my life, my wife's life, and the lives of my children.

I am absolutely convinced that if I had not surrendered to the facts about myself, I'd have continued down the exact same useless and deadly path I was on, for yet another 20 years or so, until I'd have died from it. And on the way, the lives of my wife and children would have been irrevocably damaged. That would mean another few generations of severe pain and chilul Hashem, too.

I became frum over the years of my adolescence, as do many. My parents are not what you'd call "really frum", but are traditional. Nonetheless, I chose to learn in a post high school yeshiva in Eretz Yisroel and continued after that in an unpaid kollel arrangement for about 3 more years after getting married, then went to school and am now working in a profession, learning (Torah) quite a bit on the side b"H, and helping raise a family. 

That is what you'd have seen, had you seen me as a neighbor, in shul, yeshiva, etc. My wife knew me pretty much as that guy, too.

The truth was, that I was busy trying to get in as much lusting and acting out as I could - to remain comfortable, while doing all those "real life" things. Not that I was really seeing it that way. My attitude was that I was preoccupied with trying to stop!! Ha.

My inner preoccupation was not about tosfos, RMB"N, loving my wife and kids better, kiruv and doing for klal yisroel, or making a nachas ruach for my very Best Friend (Hashem, of course), at all. My struggle was in finally beating this damn yetzer hora that was torturing me. I was reading mussar seforim to try and overcome it, and I would cry in the shower after acting out almost every time. And my acting out drove me extra crazy, knowing in my heart that I'd never honestly be able to expect the non-frum yidden I was trying to be mekarev to give up their cheeseburgers, girls, and other "freedoms", as long as I was still using my favorite diversion, pleasure pill and stimulant, lust. I just couldn't seem to stop, and I knew that it made me a hypocrite. I was inescapably a hypocrite.

I read the Yesod Yosef that the kitzur suggests to use to stop from doing lust activities, searched many library stacks for articles in frum psychology journals on the yetzer hora and such, memorized much of messilas yeshorim, fasted occasionally, and cried in davening, especially in Eretz Yisroel while davening at kivrei tzadikim. I was into d'veikus (not just the album...) and expected to be close to Hashem, yet I felt confused and frustrated that I was continually "falling," as folks like to say it here.

I spoke to Rav Mendel Weinbach, The Steipeler, and other great people, my Rebbis in yeshiva, a few Rabonim in my town, went to a few shrinks under the pretense of "having marriage problems" (I had to hide behind the marriage issue to get my wife to be OK with me going to a shrink). Needless to say, by the time I was done trying to secretly do teshuva, I had a whole double life. I was a "normalish" frum guy on the outside, but a tortured yid on the inside.

To make matters worse, I viewed the lust problems I had - and the "teshuva" from them - as "the struggle of my life"; "My secret mission." At times, it placed me in a category above others, for I was "working on big things". I - as I see many do here on GYE - romanticized the struggle with the Yetzer Hara, as though it were some epic battle of good vs. evil that I alone could wage for the honor of Hashem. Some people go as far as to view whether they succeed or fail as something that will bring Moshiach - or delay his arrival, c"v. 

If my attitude upsets you at this point, please at least give me a chance to explain. I understand that it does not sound like what most of us are told in yeshiva and s'forim:

I never got better until I saw that the extent and quality of my acting out was indeed, ill. The frum approach that I was familiar with was not working, and I could see that. The reason it wasn't working was not because I wasn't trying hard enough, but rather because there was something wrong with my approach. After all, Hashem's Torah is perfect!

And something was wrong with me. Not being absolutely sure what it was, I went to a shrink and laid out my entire acting out history, mind games, inner tortured life, etc. to the very last detail, and she suggested I go to a 12-step fellowship called SA.

I came to SA the next week and discovered that I was in a room filled with other people who were stuck in a pattern of using sex and lust in a way that was destroying their lives - and in spite of it destroying their lives, but many of them finally got out of it and stayed out of it. In other words, they were sexually perverted, but found a way to live differently.

A) I discovered that as long as I looked at myself as separate from the acting out, meaning: "I am a regular, healthy guy on the whole, but sadly have this terrible habit" - I'd never get better. [Dov is saying that it is not just a habit, it is a reflection of who we have become; i.e. we are 'ill']

B) By the same token, I discovered that as long as I remained absolutely disgusted with myself - which I was (and I was sure there was a whole litany of secrets I'd quietly take to the grave with me) - I'd also never get better. [We are not 'bad' people who need to become 'good', but