651. |
Tuesday ~ 21 Kislev, 5770 ~ December 8, 2009 |
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
In Today's Issue
-
Battle
Communication:
Loneliness
-
Battle
Communication 2:
Loneliness - and - Davening
-
Daily Dose of Dov: Davening - and - Being Happy
that we're Sober!
-
Testimonial of the Day: Being Happy that we're Sober!
-
Link of the Day: Sunday Morning Agudah Convention -
Streaming Video
-
Q & A of the Day:
Double Life
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Battle Communication
On "Loneliness"
"SilentBattle" writes on the forum:
Most of my friends are married and/or
living in a different state/country. This is a major
part of my problem. Honestly, the reason I got
involved in the aveiros I did was because I
needed to feel like I was connecting to something; I
wanted to feel less alone.
And that's part of the reason that GYE helps me - I
feel like I'm part of something, a
group of friends... I get support - and can give
it as well. Thank you!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
More on "Loneliness"
- and on -
"Davening"
"Ovadia" writes on the forum:
Dear everyone, thank you all for your care and
concern - and most of all - your love. Yesterday was
Sunday, which is my hardest day, as I am usually
alone in the office. Well, by the time I had
finished with the Chizuk email and reading through
all your replies in my thread, I could not even
THINK of looking at anything inappropriate.
This morning, I listened to a Shiur about Chanuka
from Rabbi Akiva Tatz. (The shiur can be found
here).
Here's a quote from the Shiur:
"Darkness brings a natural fear. Not the fear of
being attacked, but the fear of being alone. One who
is spiritually developed does not fear being alone.
On the contrary, he feels a tremendous thrill in
being alone. The Greeks extinguished that. Western
culture is afraid to be alone. The Jewish
idea of meditation is not to switch off and relax,
but to switch on the real mind and connect.
We are supposed to do this at least three times a
day."
Which made me think: Why do I/we find davening so
hard? It is because we are so uncomfortable being
alone.
And this is also one of the major triggers for the
addiction. We need to try to feel Hashem more, and
stop fearing loneliness.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Daily Dose of Dov
More on "Davening"
- and on -
"Being Happy that we're Sober!"
In Ovadia's post above, he mentioned the
difficulties of an addict in recovery with regards
to davening. This reminded me of a post from the
past, where Moshe described a conversation that goes
on in his head before davening each morning:
Yetzer Hara: You're such a shaigetz, you need
to go to shul and daven the entire thing. If you
don't go to shul, your worthless, and even if you do
go, you have to be zoche for your teffilos to reach
Hashem. Shaigetz.
Me: Right, I am a shaigetz, I give up, I
hate myself.
... I put teffilin on at home, and 4 minutes later I
get into my car and drive to office, feeling
guiltier and guiltier every second...
Yetzer Hara: I told you you're a goy,
you're going to have a lousy day today, I promise
you. How could you have a good day after skipping
davening?
Me: your right, I'm a shiagetz, I give up,
I'm such a loser.
Dov Responds:
Moshe - Though I don't know you, and as I'm not
trying to convince you of anything, this "share" is
probably safe:
What you describe here was a regular for
me too, for many years, until about two and a half
years sober when things started to radically
improve.
Anyway, at times like those, I need to remember
things like this: The Gemara is Berachos says:
"If you want to accept completely that
Hashem is your king, wash your hands, go to the
bathroom, say k'riyas sh'ma and daven sh'moneh esrei." I know that halacha developed to
include brachos, p'sukei d'zimrah, birchos
k'riyas sh'ma, kedusha, borchu, aleinu, etc,
etc, all for our own good, but: There
is something very, very big to be said for a Yid who
does just those 4 simple steps. Very big.
When even that doesn't work for me for some
reason, I would remember that I was sober. If
that isn't great news enough for me to be happy
about, regardless of what I am doing wrong (or not
doing right), I'd paraphrase the powerful
Lecevitcher story that Guard once posted:
(The Lechevitcher Rebbe, a student of R'Shlomo of
Karlin, once went as far as to say that even if a
person just killed someone and the knife is still
dripping with blood, but he feels can't stand up and
pray Mincha with all his strength and with all his
heart, then he has not yet tasted from the waters of
Chassidus!)
"If the fact that an addict is sober today is not
good enough for him, he has not yet tasted from the
waters of recovery."
This, I believe, is the spirit of "Dayeinu"
at the seder: "Even if He would have taken us to
har sinai and not given us the Torah; etc,
etc... It would have been enough for us." Enough
for what? Enough for us to feel like we got a
good deal, i.e. to feel OK about things - even
without x, y, and z.
For more from Dov on the difficulties of Davening
when starting out in recovery, see
this page
for a whole discussion on the issue. [Scroll to the
bottom to see Dov's beautiful reply].
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Testimonial of the Day
More on "Being Happy that we're Sober!"
Dov's post above reminds me of a great post from "RATM"
today:
In all honesty, I feel like you guys have given me a
new life here...
I was once so sick and tired of seeing myself in the
mirror... "that hypocrite, loser, no-life"...
But now I can continue living without feeling like a
constant loser...
Where once I would look back on even the best of
days and say: "Yeah, I was successful at work or
I did that mitzvah or accomplished these things, but
I still messed up my life today by doing ****..."
Now I look back on the worst of days and say:
"Yeah, I may have blown that deal or forgot to daven
"veten tal ummatar" at Mincha or accomplished
jack-black today, but I still feel like a winner
because today I did not let my addiction beat
me...."
So there may be hard days, but no more bad
days, only good ones.... A complete reversal
of fortunes...
Thank you... |
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Link of the Day
Sunday Morning Agudah Convention
Yesterday we brought some excerpts from an article
here on YeshivaWorld.com.
Aguda has graciously granted permission to circulate
the link below. There are 5 presentations. The first
2 speakers, Malcolm Hoenlein and Tzvi Richter,
discussed the dangerous situation facing us
worldwide. The final 3 speakers discussed serious
issues we are facing in our community - Rabbi
Abraham Twerski, Rabbi Yisroel Reisman and Rabbi
Rosenshine.
To watch the entire session in streaming video, copy and paste
this address into your browser's address bar:
http://216.53.64.1/plenary_session_sunday_500k.asx
At about 1:09 is the beginning of the "Addiction
Session"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
See
this thread on our forum where we mentioned how
our network was discussed at the Agudah Convention. |
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q & A of the Day
Double Life
A newcomer to
the forum asks:
Does this website/forum breed even more
confusion by just giving you another double
life?
"RATM" responds:
It seems to me that our addiction is what caused us
to maintain a second life, not GYE... GYE is there
to address our addiction so, yes, GYE is part
of that second life, but the way I see it, you can
either have this whole other second life that does
not have GYE a part of it, or one that does... I'd
rather one that does... Eventually, as some of the
masters here will tell you, treatment of the
addiction will close that second life for you so you
just have one life...
If you do not address your addiction and just
pretend that it was never there, it won't go away by
itself... That I know because I tried the
"ignore-it" method and it led me to bad, bad
places....
Uri Responds:
I am not one of the pros here, but I can respond
from personal experience:
When I found GYE, it opened a new parsha in
my life. It began a period of sincerity, trust,
sharing and honesty with myself and others. Outside
of GYE, I was still pretty much the same. But the
longer I was on GYE and the more I opened up, this
sincerity transferred to my "real life" too.
All the best
-Uri |
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|
652. |
Wednesday ~ 22 Kislev, 5770 ~ December 9, 2009 |
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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
In Today's Issue
-
12-Step Attitude: "I can live in the
real world without lusting!?"
-
12-Step Attitude (Part 2): "I Want Life!"
-
Q & A of the Day: What's the Secret Power Behind the
Fourth Step?
-
Quote of the Day: Self-Sufficiency vs.
G-d-Sufficiency
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
12-Step Attitude
"I can live in the real world without
lusting!?"
"Tomim" describes the transformation that he and
others are undergoing on
Duvid Chaim's Phone Conference
For my first few weeks here at GYE, I didn't really
leave my house at all (since my work allows for
that). The only woman I came in contact with was my
mother. Going to the mailbox was risky, as I might
get a glance of the female joggers that would be
jogging by my house. If I'd go to the bank or to a
store, I'd have to give myself a pep-talk beforehand
so that I should be able to remain focused during
the time I was there. If I'd be hit by sudden lust,
I would use one of many methods (such as jogging,
doing jumping jacks, taking cold showers, etc.) to
get an endorphin rush, which I hoped would
compensate for the drug-like effect that acting-out
would have had on me.
Only later did I realize that all the measures I was
taking were only making things harder for me. The
more I fought, the harder things were. It's
true that I was able to achieve some clean streaks
that I thought were pretty impressive, but
ultimately - it all ended the same way. No matter
how hard I fought, it could never keep me away from
the neediness that was driving me to fall.
When our minds are set on fighting-off lust, and
this is certainly so for an addict (as addicts have
got very tricky minds), it's easy to slip into the
cracks with dozens of excuses. In my case, I found
myself slipping and telling myself: "Well, according
to the
rules here on GYE, there's no reason this should
be considered masturbation!". I continued with such
"slips" until, ultimately, they turned into falls. I
kept trying to learn from my falls, but honestly:
There was no way out! I'd fall again and again.
Later it became clear to me that I wasn't dealing
with the real issues. SA's 12-Steps makes
everything black and white. "Where is it coming
from?" we ask ourselves. We identify with the
root of lust and accept that it's always been
our outlet, our coping method and our drug of
choice, so that we can self-medicate and numb
ourselves from feeling - from living!
We realize that we, as addicts, have manipulated all
those around us so that we can "use" them to our
best interest in facilitating this cause - "our"
cause. We've been taking, using, and abusing all
along. We begin to ask ourselves, "What's our
motive? Are we giving, or are we taking?".
I started seeing things different when I realized
that I don't have to fight. During our very
first days on the call, Duvid Chaim told us that we
weren't going to fight anymore and that we wouldn't
even need to! Duvid Chaim insisted that we
can be normal again! Shocked by what I heard, I felt
I needed to call him up personally for a more
detailed discussion in which Duvid Chaim spelled out
for me how the program takes us to a healthy place
where I'll no longer need a filter on my computer,
where I'll be able to walk the streets, go to the
bank, the supermarket, and even look or talk to the
woman behind the counter without lusting her. Wow!
That was news for me! "I can live in the real world
without lusting!?".
Since I've subscribed to the program, my world has
become much brighter and much more colorful! True -
the program has asked us to see things way past
our addiction (where we're talking about a Higher
Power, ego, and other stuff). And we're even
beginning to take certain steps (we're working on
step 4 right now) that are hard and painful! "But
what's the alternative?" we ask. It's either go
through pain, or have to deal with the sickness
itself! Yes it's true that no-one wants to go
through chemotherapy! But it's our only option in
making it out of this alive! Living with the
addiction (even fighting it) is no way of living!
We choose life at any cost! For us, fighting the
addiction doesn't work. We've got to be better and
less selfish people overall! It's our only hope for
living!
The attitudes and guidance of SA and the 12-Steps
has greatly helped me in getting free from the
addiction, and I'm certain that you can get the same
results. I'd recommend everyone join Duvid Chaim's
Anonymous 12-Step Phone Conference. Everybody knows
that Duvid Chaim is non-judgmental, a great source
of guidance and knowledge, and an overall great guy
who really cares!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I Want Life!
Steve wrote this beautiful letter after one of Duvid
Chaim's calls:
Today's call was so eye-opening for me! If I may
paraphrase the amazing revelation that Duvid Chaim
shared:
Always being "on guard" against lust by consciously
avoiding it, either via willpower, or by putting in
place "S.M.O.G" (Some Mechanisms Of
Guard) like filters, etc. is NOT real
Recovery. True Recovery is the "Living in
Tranquility without R.I.D (Restlessness, Irritability,
Discontent)", so that the underlying and real
causes of the "lust need" are removed from my life.
THIS IS IT FOR ME. I've only been fooling myself all
along. If being "on guard" can not ultimately save
me, then I really am powerless against this
addiction. I know that I am at Step 1 now. And I
thank G-d and "y'all" for sparing me from hitting
bottom before I got there!
The ending of this call was so
cathartic for me. The emotion in Duvid Chaim's
voice echoed the wounds and unfulfilled dreams
hidden in my heart. I so want to get into recovery,
it hurts. I WANT that LIFE he described so
beautifully;
-
A life
without the shame, anger and self hate and pain
that stares back at me from the mirror.
-
A life
of shalom bayis where my children and my
wife feel totally comfortable around me, and
they don't see any spectre of "something"
separating us from an easy comfort with each
other.
-
A life
where I can feel connected to my Father in
Heaven every day, maybe even every moment.
-
A life
of dedication to others, to help make
their lives better.
Simply put, I WANT A LIFE.
Please, my dear fellow members of this holy
fellowship, let's all accept it once and for all
that being "on guard" is not the real solution. It
never was, and it never will be. Let's all move
forward together. LET'S ALL GET A LIFE!!
Your teary-eyed friend,
Steve. |
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q & A
of the Day
What's the Secret Power Behind the 4th Step?
"On the Road" asks on
the forum:
I'm at about a month of no mast.
and no p**n. I started reading the
SA White Book
yesterday, and have begun writing down my fourth
step ("We made a searching and fearless moral
inventory of ourselves"). If someone can clarify for
me please, what is the point of this inventory?
Since many people on
Duvid Chaim's 12-Step Phone Conference are
currently working on their "Fourth Step", I would
like to bring here some great links for those who
want to really try and get a better understanding of
what this step is all about, and how it holds the
"Keys to the Dungeon", as Duvid Chaim once said.
Although we can read the literature on the 4th step
in the
Big Book and in the
12 & 12, there's nothing like hearing what it
did for people who we can relate to, like
Duvid-Chaim, Miri and Dov, who are from within our
own community.
-
In Chizuk e-mail #503 on
this page (scroll down), Miri talks about
how the 4th step changed her. When Duvid Chaim
read that chizuk e-mail, he was very impressed
and he sent me an article that he wrote called
"The Keys to the Dungeon". (This was before
Duvid Chaim started the conference calls)
-
I subsequently brought Duvid Chaim's article in
Chizuk e-mail #504 the next day (it's on the
same page as above). I encourage everyone
working on their 4th step to read those two
chizuk e-mails again.
-
In Chizuk e-mail #555 on this
page (scroll
down to the bottom of the e-mail), Dovid Chaim
again talks about Step #4.
-
And in #557 on that same page, "Moti" summarizes
Duvid Chaim's description of the 4th step.
(Again, scroll down in the e-mail to find it).
-
See also Duvid Chaim's Conference thread
on our forum
over here, where Duvid Chaim posts
inspirational articles about the various steps
that his phone group is covering, and where
members discuss the calls. (See
this post by "Tomim" from yesterday, where
he summarizes the call beautifully and brings
more clarity to the ideas behind the 4th step).
Our dear member Dov is sober in SA
for over 10 years. He posts a lot on
our forum, and everyone benefits from
his profound wisdom and experience. To see some
great stuff that Dov has written about the 4th Step
over the past months, please see:
-
Chizuk e-mail #487 on this
page.
-
The "Daily Dose of Dov" in Chizuk e-mail
#610 on
this page
-
The "Daily Dose of Dov" in Chizuk e-mail
#612 (same page)
-
The "Daily Dose of Dov" in Chizuk e-mail
#619 (same page)
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Quote of the Day
Self-Sufficiency vs. G-d-Sufficiency
By Duvid Chaim
It doesn't matter if our problems include trouble
with personal relationships, feelings of
uselessness, depression, fear, etc. - we all need a "simple
reliance upon the Spirit of the Universe."
I know that when I become "self-reliant", I
am literally carving G-d out of my life. No
wonder I feel so isolated!!
We're told that it all boils down to Self-Sufficiency
versus G-d-Sufficiency. All you need to do is
look back and ask yourself, "which has worked
best in my life?"
Can we finally take that necessary steps to
cross the Bridge of Reason to reach
the Shore of Faith? |
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|
653. |
Thursday ~ 23 Kislev, 5770 ~ December 10, 2009 |
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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
In Today's Issue
-
Chanukah: A Revolution Within
-
Tip of the Day: Filtering Ipods
-
Quote of the Day: Talking to My Zadei
-
Parsha Thought: Er & Onan
-
Daily Dose of Dov: Not a Dummy
-
Testimonial 1: Finding Out I'm Not Alone
-
Testimonial 2: Other Outlets
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Chanukah
A Revolution Within
By Benyamin
Bresinger
Director of www.ProjectPride.org
"Don't
stop before the miracle!" This statement can apply to so many
different circumstances in our lives. We tell this
to many people who are struggling with the disease
of addiction. And it is one of the most powerful
lessons from the Chanukah story.
When confronted with adversity, the Hasmoneans did
not give up. Where did they get the strength and
resolve to insist on not giving up in their search
for the pure jar of olive oil? How can we tap into
that very same place -- so we can discover our
purity within?
The Hasmoneans defied all limitations by winning the
war and by rekindling the Menorah. Their commitment
to persevere and their willingness to sacrifice
their lives revealed their true essence. It is the
highest part of the soul, and once revealed, this
spirit enables us to cause a revolution within.
Once a person finds this spiritual core, all things
are possible. We are exposing the inner recesses of
our soul that is absolutely one with G-d. At this
level, what seems to be an obstacle too great to
deal with, is exposed as an illusion; a test that is
there only to awaken this powerfully-connected part
of our soul.
The addict who says "It's too much; I just don't see
how things will ever be different!" -- is right! As
long as he stays the same, he will have the same
results. Chanukah teaches us that by being
willing to surrender ourselves we can tap into
that very same place that our ancestors did. Once
that's done, we become different. We see things
differently; we see ourselves differently. We have a
new pair of glasses; so much so, that one day at a
time, one surrender at a time, we live on a higher
plane. This is a place where we can walk with
certainty and know that G-d is doing for us what we
can't do for ourselves.
Once the Menorah was lit, it not only stayed lit in
a miraculous way, it also shined the brightest. This
reminds me of a quote from the Big Book of A.A:
"See to it that your relationship with Him is
right, and great events will come to pass for you
and countless others." By the Hasmoneans
insisting on only using an unadulterated jar of oil,
they were teaching us a valuable lesson: Don't
settle for anything less than the holiest.
And, for sure, don't stop before the miracle! |
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Tip of
the Day
Filtering IPods
"Rashkebehag" posts on
the forum:
I had a scare this week and feel it should be known for
others to watch out. I bought a used Ipod and when
it arrived, it came with youtube and access to
internet with no filter. I thought I was in for it,
so I quickly asked someone more savvy than me what
to do about it. He blocked the Youtube and removed
the "Safari", which is the open internet. He then
put on
Bsecure instead, which is internet with a
filter. Plus, he put on a password which only he
knows, so that I can't unblock whatever he blocked
for me. I can breath easier now.
For more on filters
for handheld devices, see
this thread
on our forum (scroll down through the replies).
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Quote of the Day
Talking to My Zadie
By "Struggla"
My journey to recovery is a beautiful journey. I
have realized that we need to find the good in
everything. Even in a situation where I have the
urge to fall or slip, I stop myself and say: "I
know what's happening here, and I'm not gonna
fall for it. Hashem loves me and this is just
a test that I have to pass."
Emunah - that's my new word! Everything happens
for a reason, we just gotta have faith in Hashem.
I heard this Rabbi say that when you are talking
to Hashem, picture that you are talking to your
Zadie. Hashem is like Zadie, he listens to you, he
gives you everything you want, he spoils you, even
gives you candies and chocolates. Your grandparents
are the safest people, and their home is the safest
home. You can tell them anything and they will
listen to you and give you everything you ever need
or want - and MORE! |
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Parsha Thought
Er & Onan
"LampLighter" wrote on the forum:
This week's parsha is talking to US! It deals with
Yehuda's sons, who were killed for wasting seed, and
this is the source brought down in Shulchan-Aruch
for this aveira! We should always try to see
the Torah as being given to us "hayom" -
TODAY, afresh. This absolutely applies to our holy
group! As we go through the pesukim this
Shabbos, let's redouble our efforts to commit to not
wasting seed, taking it to heart.
"Eye-nonymous" also wrote:
While I was working on 'shnayim mikra vechad
targum' this week, it was a great relief to read
about Er and Onan. There it says that
they were "Evil in Hashem's eyes", but instead of
feeling guilty of the same action myself, for the
first time I could feel happy that I have real
hope to break free of this addiction. |
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Daily Dose of Dov
Dov is sober in SA for over 10 years
Not A Dummy
Am I a tzaddik for not shooting myself in the
head by looking at a magazine rack on the street, or
for not clicking on a dirty pop-up ad? Or am I just
not a dummy? I choose the latter. Halevai
Hashem should call me up after 120 and announce:
"Here comes Dov... and he's no dummy!" |
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Two
Inspiring Testimonials
Finding Out I'm Not Alone
"BeatYetzer" sent us an e-mail yesterday:
I've been meaning to write in for a while now and
say thank you. I have been "clean" since a few days
before Rosh Chodesh Elul (close to 4 months). My
story is, I'm sure, not unique. I have tried over
time to control myself, sometimes succeeding for one
or two months, but never with the level of
dedication and commitment that I have now.
What's interesting is, when I first became aware of
your site (through
the Aish article), I skimmed your handbook and
signed up for both daily chizuk emails. They go to a
hidden filter in my In-Box. At first I would read
them maybe every other day, maybe less, sometimes
more often. Today, I read them even less, but it's
amazing that the mere knowledge that there are
people out there struggling with the same things I
am, has made the struggle easier to handle. I
couldn't imagine that anyone else was really doing
the things I was doing. Just knowing that I'm not
alone has made all the difference. And while it
definitely helps to know that people have succeeded,
I really believe it isn't that knowledge that
is helping so much, as is the simple knowledge that
people are dealing with the same things I am. (I do
go back and read the unread chizuk e-mails in my
in-box when I feel a weakness coming on.)
For close to four months, I haven't been on any
improper sites, and I can count on one hand how
often I have even had an erection not for the Mitzva
(with nothing further happening, and it ending
quickly).
Honestly, the ONLY thing that really gives me the
strength to stop and continue to control myself, is
that when I don't, it ruins my life. I stay up too
late, waste time, lie to my wife, generally feel
like dirt etc. I'm not stopping because it's
assur. I've tried that motivation in the past
and it hasn't worked for me. I know that even
indulging occasionally would cause me to spiral
immediately. Being honest with myself about that
seems to be helping.
So as I said, I've been meaning to give hakoras
hatov to you for a while now. Thank you for
making me feel like a mentsch again.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Other Outlets
"Sci1977" writes on the forum:
It seems weird that almost three weeks clean have
passed. I spent the last day or so forcing myself
find other outlets for the time I spent.
The best distraction has actually been working. I
have been working like a mad man. I used to sit at
my desk and figure out what I was going to next for
"my desire". Now I work and I'm accomplishing much
more.
I also have discovered other outlets, like actually
trying to talk to my wife and play with the kids.
The stress of the day does not get to me anymore. I
think I have taken a step in not letting stress be a
trigger. I wake up every morning now and I tell
myself it's going to be a good day. G-d granted me
another day to be here, to be with my wife and kids.
It's a weird feeling knowing that just changing my
attitude towards life really works. Simple but true.
No slips or falls, and none needed or wanted.
Thank you for continued support and I thank G-d
everyday for this website and the people on it. |
|
|
654. |
Friday ~ 24 Kislev, 5770 ~ December 11, 2009
Erev Shabbos Parshas Vayeshev ~ Erev Chanukah |
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
In Today's Issue
-
Chanukah: Inner Change - Adding
a Little Light Each Day
-
Battle
Communication:
It's An Allergy
-
Link of the Day: Shiur on Chanukah
-
Testimonial 1: The Hidden Kindness of a Stranger
-
Testimonial 2: We're all in this Together
|
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Chanukah
Our addiction often has its roots in an
inner discontent. Many people escape to the
addiction when they feel unfulfilled, aimless or
unproductive in their career. Others use it to make
themselves feel better when experiencing problems or
boredom in their marriage...
Inner Change - Adding a Little Light Each Day
By Rabbi Moss
www.nefesh.com.au
Question of the Week:
My life has come to a standstill. I'm bored at work,
and my relationship is going nowhere. I think I need
a change of scenery. Should I move away, or do you
think a career change will be enough?
Answer:
There's only one problem with changing scenery.
Wherever you go, you'll still be there. Even if
everything around you changes - your address, your
job, your partner, your car - as long as you are the
same old you, you will be living the same old life.
The human soul has a deep need for growth.
Stagnation is poison to the soul. What was good
enough yesterday is insufficient for today, and the
me of the past will not satisfy us in the future. We
need to be constantly adding new insights, facing
new challenges and charting new territory. To
achieve this, we need not go anywhere. We need just
to look inside ourselves and change our inner
scenery.
You don't need a career move. You need a soul move.
Embark on some new challenges in your spiritual
life. Go and buy an inspiring and meaningful book
and read a little every day. Feed your mind with new
ideas. Challenge yourself to work on a character
weakness, like being more patient with your kids or
with your parents, or thinking before you speak.
Take on a new mitzvah, like putting on Tefillin in
the morning or saying a blessing before and after
eating.
The changes need not be big and dramatic, but they
must be consistent. We learn this lesson from the
Chanukah candles.
On the first night of Chanukah we light one candle,
on the second two, and we continue to add one new
candle each night, until the eighth and final night
when we light eight candles. This means that what
was enough yesterday is not enough today. If on the
fourth night of Chanukah I light four candles, I
have fulfilled the mitzvah perfectly. But if I light
the same four candles on the fifth night, I am
lacking, I have fallen behind. Every new day
requires another new candle.
If you aren't growing spiritually, if you haven't
added more light, you are stagnating and falling.
Not even a new Lexus can fill that void. But if you
just add one candle, a single spiritual challenge
and one solitary step further in your soul journey,
then you have changed from within, and the whole
world changes with you.
Good Shabbos and Happy Chanukah,
Rabbi Moss
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The need to change our "inner scenery" reminds me of
something Rabbi Twerski said at the recent Agudah
convention (Quoted in Chizuk e-mail #650):
An addict doesn't think logically. Which is why
addicts cannot be reasoned with - or even treated -
by any mental health professional. Only a specialist
in addiction can undertake the task of guiding an
addict to reform.
And that process does not end with the end of
the addict's indulgence of his addiction. That is,
rather, on the beginning. We have a term for an
alcoholic who has stopped drinking: a 'dry drunk.
Only a "major personality overhaul" can have
truly long-term good effects. That reflects what the
Rambam says about a baal teshuva, that the person
who truly repents has changed essentially; that he
is, in the Rambam's words, "no longer the same
person."
Dr. Twerski endorsed the idea of "12 step programs,"
saying "they work" and denying that they need to
have a Christian component. Each of the steps they
entail, he said, "is in Chazal."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
See also the "Daily Dose of Dov" in Chizuk e-mail
#628 on
this page
where Dov discusses the inner change that we need to
undergo, and how we need to let go of the "familiar
setting" of our inner attitudes & reactions if we
expect to recover from the hold of the addiction. |
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Battle
Communication
It's An Allergy
"KolelGuy" wrote on
the forum:
I've been doing really well since my last fall,
which just "happened" to be the day before I joined
the GYE crew. The main issue for me has always been
that I would forget my weakness and get too
confident. But since I'm here, I keep myself aware
of my goal and what will get me there, and it's been
a whole different experience. Here, I got a whole
new perspective on the benefits of knowledge about
the nature of this thing, and how the best
way to win is not to allow the fight to start in
the 1st place. Up until now, my only weapons
have been my seforim. But recently I've begun
to notice that this isn't really a sefer
issue.
Agav, this forum is the greatest thing since
penicillin!
Steve, who is on
Duvid Chaim's daily phone conference for the
past few months, responds to "KollelGuy":
You got it!! That is what being
addicted is all about. It's like an allergy to
peanuts; some people are allergic, some are not.
It's how Hashem made us, and it's part of His
individual plan for each of us. The allergy never
goes away. You can wait another 20 years between
bites of peanut butter, but then - WAMMO - you can't
breathe, and you hit yourself and say, "I shoulda
known better..."
So how do we best avoid the fight from the
beginning?
The BIG emergency first-aid plan, which we got
from the 12 steps discussions, is to realize that
the Yetzer Hara hides in the dark and then
SUDDENLY jumps out at you, makes you feel like
you've gotta act and make your choice right away,
and not give you time to think, just react, which
usually means a fall. And he knows EXACTLY what the
best ways are to get your attention. He even got
Rebbe Meir to drop everything and swim after him,
cuz he knew exactly what kind of IMAGE would knock
down even the greatest Tzaddik's barriers
(see footnote below).
DON'T LET HIM FOOL YOU! You've got time. Stop, look
away, don't confront him yet, just count to ten or
more, take some deep breaths, the urge will lessen.
Then walk away & do something else, think about
something else.
YOU KNOW what'll happen if you even GO NEAR that
peanut. You're allergic, you won't be able to stop 'cuz
it's not in your control. If you think you are in
control, you're fooling yourself. Just look at your
track record: "Yeah, I can quit any time I want!
I've quit 100 times already...!"
And if you fall, C"V, just say, "Sorry Tatty,
I'm trying, but I need more time...". Dust
yourself off, climb back on the horse and keep on
riding. We're all only human, "trying to do the best
we can".
Just don't get down on yourself if you fell.
Don't call yourself names. Focus on turning the
experience it into something positive -
figure out what was the trigger that tripped you up,
and what response you would have wanted to
have instead. Then play back the scenario in your
mind, and this time have it go the way you would
have wanted it to. This is called
"visualization" (like when we learned to drive, we
imagined like in a movie how we would handle
spinning on ice, so when the time comes we would be
programmed to act that way).
*********************
Footnote:
This is a reference to a series of stories recorded
in Gemara Kiddushin (80a-81a) where Hashem
demonstrated the power of the Yetzer Hara to some of
of the Tanoim who had felt powerful over it and
belittled it's influence: The Gemara relates that
the Satan presented himself to R' Akivah as a
seductive woman in a treetop. He became so inflamed
by her that he was unable to resist, and he started
to climb the tree so he could sin with her. Halfway
up the tree, the woman turned into the Satan and
said: "If it wouldn't be that it had been said in
the Heavens to respect R' Akivah and his teachings,
I'd take your life!". A similar story is recorded
with R' Meir swimming across a river to sin with a
woman, and upon reaching the halfway point, the
woman turned into the Satan, rebuking him with those
same words. |
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Link of the Day
Shiur on Chanukah by Rabbi Dr. Akiva Tatz
Chanukah - Hidden Light
Bardichev Writes:
THIS IS A MASSIVELY IMPORTANT SHIUR!! LISTEN TO IT!!
ALL I CAN SAY IS WOW!! |
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Two
Inspiring Testimonials
The Hidden Kindness of a Stranger
Yosef Writes:
My name is Yosef. I posted on this forum only one
time in the past, more than 6 months ago. At that
time, I also reached out to someone here on the
forum, but not believing that he would ever answer
my PM (private messages), I never checked my
messages - until today... until a second before I
was planning to act out big time with this
computer. Somehow, with practically no will
left to do anything besides log in to some shmutz,
my frozen fingers typed in this site. Immediately I
was reading a series of three PMs that this guy send
me back in June and July, practically begging me to
contact him. Instead of falling into lust, I fell
into tears... and after a few minutes of deep
sobbing, the poison inside me seemed to be gone. I
was filled with new strength and the Yetzer had lost
his grip. Please know that these kind of things
don't usually happen to me; the hidden kindness of a
"stranger" just waiting to come out at the right
time. Hashem - How great are your Works!
A few days Later Yosef Posts:
I want to thank all of you for reaching out to me
with love in my time of pain. I cannot describe how
empowered I am feeling by your responses to my post.
I feel connected to you all. The way that this
community has responded to me inspired me to look
into
the Twelve and Twelve (something I have
not done for a while). As I opened the book, "it"
turned to page 27. There staring me in the face were
the following words:
"Many a man like you has begun to solve the problem
(of Faith) by the method of substitution. You can,
if you wish, make A.A. (substitute GYE) itself your
"Higher Power". Here's a very large group of people
who have solved their Alcohol (substitute lust)
problem. In this respect, they (the GYE Community)
are certainly a 'Power greater than you', who have
not even come close to a solution. Surely you can
have faith in them. Even this minimum of faith will
be enough. You will find many members who have
crossed the threshold just this way. All of them
will tell you that, once across, their faith
broadened and deepened. Then relieved of the (lust)
obsession...they began to (truly) Believe in a
Higher Power and speak of G-D."
AIN OYD MILVADO! I love you all.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
We're All in this Together
"Silentbattle" writes on the forum:
One thing I love about this site is that it deals
with different levels of addiction, different types
(levels) of aveiros - but everyone helps each
grow! Yeah, it could be easy for every person in
their own way to look at others and breathe a sigh
of relief. And I'm pretty sure that ANYONE here
could find some way that they're "not as bad" as
other people. But we don't, and I think that's
incredible. Instead, we use each other's stories to
help promote even more growth.
Dov
(sober in SA for over 10 years) responds to "Silentbattle":
Nice point! Thank you for pointing that out. It is a
beautiful place here! What you wrote is actually a
basic yesod of AA.
You can find the idea in Igerres haRMB"N, sort of,
(where he talks about seeing each person as better
than us in some way). Also, in the B'nei Yisoscher's
sefer on kavonoh in mitzvos called
"Derech Pikudecha", he describes an inyan
and goes out of his way to suggest it as a tool for
how to judge ourselves as lower, in certain
respects, than another yid who we know is still
being mezaneh, even though we are clean
of z'nus.
Obviously, we are not to feel any bit above anyone
else. The trick is to do it. |
|
|
655. |
Sunday ~ 26 Kislev, 5770 ~ December 13, 2009
2cd Day of Chanukah |
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
In Today's Issue
-
Chanukah: A Chanukah Tikkun
(Rabbi Twerski)
-
Q & A of the Day: What Should We Tell Kids?
(Rabbi Twerski)
-
Story of the Day: The Addiction Was all About "Me"
-
Sayings of the Day: From "Tomim"
|
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Chanukah
A Chanukah Tikkun
Rabbi Twerski sent us today:
Now that it is Chanuka, there is a
tikkun, that after lighting the Chanuka candles
(or oil), one should look at the lights and
meditate, "hanerot hallalu kodesh heim -
these lights are holy." The sefarim say that they
represent the original light of creation.
Concentrating on the kedusha of the Chanuka
lights helps prevent misuse of one's eyes. Some
people mediate on the Chanuka lights for the full
half hour that is the minimum time the candles
should burn. |
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q & A of the Day
What Should We Tell Kids?
We sent Rabbi Twerski the following question:
Dear Rabbi Twerski,
There was a lively discussion on our forum
over here recently about whether or not we
should tell children how babies are born, and at
what age, and how much to reveal, etc...
If the Rav has time to read some of the points of
view that were expressed on the forum (my own
included), the Rav will see that there are many good
points brought up in each direction, and we would
greatly appreciate some guidance from the Rav on
this issue if possible.
Some people feel it is best to hide it for as long
as possible (sometimes until the wedding). This
saves the children from thinking about things they
don't need to, and from the risks of masturbation,
addiction, starting up with the opposite gender,
etc... Others hold that this approach is too
dangerous because children will find out on
their own in
a worse way, and not get the Hadracha that parents
could give. Also, they may end up not trusting their
parents since they weren't told - or they were lied
to about this issue all the years.
The answer to this question may depend on how
sheltered the
children are, and what are the chances of them
finding out on their own.
But even if we should tell
them, should we try to get away with as few details
as possible? And at what age? etc...
This week's parsha with Er and Onan, Yehudah and
Tamar, Yosef and Eshes Potifar, is just one example
of why this issue is so pressing. Any child who
learns this parsha will have many questions... How
do we respond if asked? Or should we pre-empt and
explain?
We would be honored if the Rav could share his
thoughts with us on this sensitive issue.
Thank you for your guidance and Happy Chanukah!
Rabbi Twerski responds:
Just several months ago, Sara Diament
M.A, wrote a booklet "Talking to Your Children About
Intimacy: A Guide for Orthodox Jewish Parents." It
is worth reading.
Twerski
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Talking to Your Children About
Intimacy"
can be purchased on Amazon
here.
See also here and here for
more about the book.
For an excerpt from the book,
click here.
Incidentally, while we are on the subject, Rabbi
Twerski once suggested to me (as a parent) to read
the book called "Building
Self-Esteem in Children" by Patricia
H. Berne. This is a wonderful book to help us ensure
that we give our children what is perhaps the most
important ingredient of all in a healthy upbringing:
Self-Esteem. When children have a healthy
self-esteem, they are also much less prone to
addictions later on in life. |
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Story of the Day
The Addiction Was all About "Me"
"Tomim" describes the start of his journey:
About 9 months ago, in the throws of
the addiction, I woke up one morning feeling that I
no longer recognized myself. I don't know what it
was, but a terrible sensation tore through me and
hit me at the very core. "What happened to me?" I
thought. "Where did the old me go? And who is
this guy who's taken over? He scares me!".
All my relationships were broken. It wasn't that
people didn't try to lovingly reach out to me. It
was me, throwing away my family and friends! I
didn't let anyone in! I barricaded myself into my
own life, my own mind, caring nothing about anything
that had no relation to me. I was so preoccupied in
seeking out my own gratification that it didn't
occur to me that there were other people. The vibes
I gave off shouted out loud: "Get out of my way!
This is all about ME!". And that's exactly what
people did. They gave me my own space!
Though I had always prided myself being very
studious, my interest in learning Torah was rapidly
deteriorating. I'd get up sometime late in the
afternoon, switch on my computer and start my day.
Within minutes, I'd have dozens of porn sites open
in front of me,
in front of which I'd sit for the remaining part of
the day. Since I had effectively chased everyone
away, my room became my own personal space where I
could act out for hours undisturbed.
Acting out for hours at a time, I left no time in my
day for G-d. Davening didn't happen! For an entire
year, I didn't ever daven a full davening, let alone
an entire Shmone Esrei. I'd grab my tefillin
minutes before sunset, quickly throw them on, and
mumble bits and pieces of the Shema. My tefillin
would be off before you could even say "Boo!", and
so that I could quickly get into the next porn
video, I wouldn't even wrap my tefillin up. I'd
throw them on the side, where they'd wait until the
next day. Sometimes I was so caught up in what I was
doing, that I'd look up at the time and realize that
it was already night and I hadn't even put on the
tefillin. Sadly so, nothing meant anything to me
anymore! To me, the Shulchan Aruch was nothing but a
book! There was nothing left but the addiction! And
it had robbed me of my life!
It's not that this all happened suddenly. I mean, I
did see the digression. But it didn't occur to me
that it would be this way. I've always looked at it
as something very external to the real me, and that
with work, I'd be able to make it go away. I never
had a problem representing utmost frumkeit
when I was in public. But here I was, having gone
through scores of Mussar and Chassidus seforim, and
even self-help books, and I remain the same! I'd
made vows, kept a journal, wrote a 5 year life plan
as well as a mission statement, but nothing had ever
helped.
In despair, I took out a pen and wrote a letter to
my Rebbe and mentor (in the World of Truth), the
Lubavitcher Rebbe:
"In tremendous pain I write to you about my present state. I don't
recall a time in my life where I have ever sunk to
such great depths. In my present state I am
completely absorbed in bad things - and in a
constant way, growing and continuing by the day. The
days of old are no longer!
I write to you in concern to matters pertaining to my learning, to
my davening, in keeping Shulchan Aruch ( - simply
keeping halacha), in regard to my personal
character, and in matters of which I relate to my
fellow man.
Even if I do manage to pull myself out of this terrible state and
to focus my energies in good things, I feel as if
nothing is able to effect me in an internal way, and
everything remains superficial.
Not too distant from the time of shidduchim - a new stage in my
life, I am completely distraught and in search of
guidance.".
Putting some action behind my words, I pulled out a
deck of index cards and began jotting some notes for
myself. You see, a few days earlier I had watched a
movie (and I don't condone movies here) which had
really struck home. In this very realistic movie
portraying an inside peek at the life of a sex
addict, I watched how his addiction was destroying
his marriage. There he was, acting out, unable to
stop himself even at the verge of divorce.
Somewhere in the movie, his father, feeling that
there was a lot of tension in his son's marriage,
attempts to help him. His father hands him a book
with 90 pages - an exercise a day, and tells him
that if he applies himself to the what is written in
the book, he will see a most rewarding marriage. For
the remaining part of the movie I watched the
progressive change take place. On the first day, he
brought his wife a bouquet of flowers (which she
immediately tossed in the trash), followed a card, a
cooked meal, and a clean house. Eventually, and
after many tests, the man reaches the last and final
pages of the book where he is asked to remove
anything from his house which blocks him in his
relationship with his wife. He decides to take the
computer (which his wife despises) out of his house,
and smash it into bits. His wife, seeing his
commitment to her over the last 90 days and finally
with this, can't hold herself back from loving him
again.
For me, this wasn't just a movie. It was a strong
lesson in the only way I'd understand. When I
finished writing my letter to the Rebbe, I decided
that I'd have to take the same kind of steps, doing
selfless actions for those around me. That movie
really made an impression on me!
This is when I pulled out these index cards and
began listing out all sorts of selfless actions or
approaches that I could adopt. In the cards that I'd
incorporate into my life (one or two cards a day) I
wrote the following:
-
Don't be sarcastic.
-
Compliment the cook.
-
Surprise the family with a supper, and pickup
food from a local restaurant.
-
In the event that you may need to do so, put
your reputation on the side and do the right
thing.
-
Compliment someone you normally wouldn't.
-
Write a card and make someone feel loved.
-
If asked to do something (big or small) for
somebody, do it, and don't make excuses.
-
Be empathetic to someone. Show them that you
care.
-
Avoid arguments.
-
Visit a Hospital.
-
Take the positive approach when discussing a
difficult subject with another.
-
Make yourself of service, offering your skills.
-
Expect nothing in return for what you've done
for someone.
-
If an opportunity arises and you are asked to do
something, do it right away.
-
Make a person feel good when he thanks you, and
respond with "you're welcome!".
-
Understand that accepting is very important to
the one giving, so make it a point to accept a
compliment or a kind gesture. It will make them
feel good!
-
Accept a "hard word" directed towards you, with
love!
-
Admit when you are wrong.
-
Remind yourself of the gratitude you owe towards
others.
-
Greet everyone with a smile and some nice words.
-
Before going to sleep, say "good night" to those
who are still up.
-
Be honest.
-
Call a sibling on the phone and make the
conversation all about them.
-
Express interest in other peoples work and
investment, and allow them to take pride.
-
While shopping, have someone else in mind, and
purchase for them something you think they might
like.
-
Cook supper.
-
Give tzedaka at the first opportunity, not
counting out bills before you give.
-
Offer help if you see a situation which might
require it.
-
Don't be abrasive.
-
Cheer someone up.
-
Don't interject while people are speaking. Wait
till they are entirely finished with what they
have to say before saying your piece.
-
Don't mix into other people's quarrels.
-
Clean up - even if it isn't your mess.
-
Phone up a relative and make it their
conversation.
-
Apologize if applicable.
-
Buy a baby toy for one of your nieces or
nephews.
-
Randomly buy someone a gift out of appreciation.
-
Call someone you haven't spoken to in a while.
-
Call a friend and ask about his well-being. Make
it his conversation.
-
Remember to always say "please".
-
Remember to always say "thank you".
-
Add another 15 cards to the deck.
Each morning, just after getting out
of bed, I'd shuffle the deck and select a card. That
card, together with yesterday's card, would be my
mission for the day! Since then, I started to see a
change in myself. My world suddenly wasn't so dark
anymore! Slowly but surely, people began relating to
me in a whole different way. This was my first step
on the road towards improvement!
It was shortly after, that I was led with Hashem's
guidance to GYE!
I encourage you to apply this into your own life. I
guarantee that if you apply this - one or two cards
at a time, together with the guidance of the 12-Step
program, you will see a very very powerful recovery!
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Sayings of the Day
Posted by "Tomim"
THE
EASIEST WAY TO STAY SOBER:
a) Breathe in.
b) Breathe out.
c) Don't lust in between!
"The monkey may be off my back, but the circus is
still in my head"
"Self-will is banging on the tray of my
highchair" |
|
|
656. |
Monday ~ 27 Kislev, 5770 ~ December 14, 2009
3rd Day of Chanukah |
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
In Today's Issue
-
Chanukah: Beware of
Mixed-Gender Parties!
-
Chanukah: The King is Visiting
the Jail
-
Q & A of the Day: What do I do if she's rarely
interested?
-
Quote of the Day: Chocolate's Better
-
THE GYE MACCABEES: Inspiring Posts from the Warriors
of GYE
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Chanukah
Beware of Mixed-Gender Chanukah Parties!
Read through
this thread on our forum for some chizuk.
-
Try to get out of going, if possible.
-
If not, make a plan in advance.
-
Schedule how long you have to be
there, and stick to it.
-
Set an alarm to remind you when to leave.
-
Prepare an excuse to leave in advance.
-
Give yourself a pep-talk before going.
-
Look at yourself in the mirror and tell your
eyes, "today, we won't stray!"
-
Bring a sefer or a book to read instead
of "mingling".
-
Avoid socializing with the opposite gender as
much as possible
-
Sit facing away from the opposite gender.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The King is Visiting the Jail
"Misgaber" sent us an e-mail:
I just heard a tape from Rabbi Yosef Chaim Greenwald
saying that the Divrei Chaim of Sanz said
that on Chanukah a person can do Teshuvah
even on aveiros that the Zohar says that one
cannot do Teshuvah on, because when the King
comes to visit the jail, everyone can ask for
anything.
(Lighting below 10 Tefachim where the
Sh'chinah never goes, symbolizes how the King
comes to visit even the darkest and lowest places on
Chanukah...) |
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q & A of the Day
"What do I do if she's rarely interested?"
Elya K. is a moderator on
the hotline and
phone conference. He and his wife have helped
many marriages through the hotline.
Someone sent Elya the following question:
I have a question regarding marital intimacy and
perhaps you can offer some advice. I feel that my
wife and I are on two different wavelengths and that
is causing some hotzaas zera at nights. I am in the
mood to be intimate almost every night while my wife
is not a nidah, and she is interested much less (0 -
1 times a week). Because of this, we are together
only (0 - 1 times a week). I have not expressed this
to my wife, as I am embarrassed and don't want her
to do something she doesn't want to. Do you think
this is an issue that I should be more open with her
about? At this point I have not said anything and
just try to quell my desires.
Elya Responds:
Men and women have different templates about sex. A
woman links sex with her feeling during the day. If
she has a romantic good feeling during the day with
her husband, she will be more in the mood. Women do
not just jump in bed and have sex. They do in the
movies, on TV and in p**n, but not in real life!!
Part our disease is that we sexualize women,
INCLUDING OUR WIVES. I did this for over 20 years to
my own wife. Once she found about my addiction and
some of the details, she told me that I had been
manipulating her into sex for over 20 years. I was
not consciously trying to do this, but it was part
of my sex and love addiction. Women are not sex
objects. Sex is a spiritual bond between two
people. Sex is a mutual understanding that this is
ONE way to show their love for one another. Yet to a
woman, you are physically entering her body and she
has to feel safe enough to let you do that. If she
senses that you are full of LUST and just want to
have sex for your own physical desires, SHE AIN'T
INTERESTED.
Now, for the remedy to fix all of this: The SLAA
book says,
"The crucial change in attitude came when we
admitted we were powerless over our addiction and we
withdrew from our habit. For some it meant no sex
with themselves, for others it meant no sex with
their spouse for a while to recover from Lust. We
discovered that we could stop, that not feeding the
hunger didn't kill us, that SEX WAS INDEED OPTIONAL.
There was hope for freedom and we began to feel
alive. We turned away from our obsession with sex
and self, and turned to G-d and others."
So here's what I want you to do, if you're open to
my suggestions. The next time your wife is a nidah,
I want you to buy her flowers DURING THE WEEK, not
for Shabbos. (If you don't usually do it for Shabbos,
you can buy them for her for Shabbos). The point
here is to train yourself that you need to show
compassion, love, intimacy and romance in OTHER WAYS
besides sex. She will be surprised, and then you can
begin to talk to her about all this. You don't have
to go into details. Just say that you realize that
you seem to want to have sex more often than she
does, and you would like to discuss it with her.
Find out why she is not interested and tell her you
would like to make amends IF she senses that you
constantly want sex. Tell her you were embarrassed
to talk to her about it because you don't want to
hurt her or make her do things she doesn't want to
do. THIS IS GOING TO BE SO POWERFUL IN IMPROVING
YOUR MARRIAGE.
Work together on other ways to feel close. Don't
wait for her to tell you to take out the garbage or
wash the dishes or help with the kids. You take
charge. (They say that romance for a man is a
candle-light dinner, while romance for a woman is
when her husband does the dishes :-). Your job from
now on is to do nice things for your wife, whether
she reciprocates or not. No matter when it is during
the month, Nida or not. Got me? I promise you, she
will reciprocate.
I guarantee, when you do this, things will start to
change. It may take a few months or a year, but your
intimacy will be richer, both in bed and out.
But you have to talk to her. Part of our problem is
isolation. Your wife can be your biggest fan and
help in all these matters. Tell her you get
frustrated sometimes when she's not a nidah, and you
really need to talk about this. It's not easy.
Nothing we change in ourselves is easy, and that's
why we have to talk about it with others to heal.
Stay in touch and let me know what happens. If you
run into a roadblock
call or
write me, and we'll solve it together.
Have a meaningful, spiritually intimate week for
Chanukah. You can do it.
Elya
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
For some related FAQ pages on our site (about the
women's lack of interest) see
here and
here.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Quote
of the Day
Chocolate's Better
From "Rashkebehag" on the forum:
Lust is an illusion. A friend of mine
told me that during all his years single he thought
that sex must be Heaven. Now that he's married, he
sees it's no different than any other need. "A
good piece of chocolate is better", he says. |
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
THE GYE MACCABEES
Here are some beautiful and inspiring posts from the
MACCABEES of GYE
who are facing off against the YEVANIM of LUST i.e.
the rest of the world!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"RATM" (Rage at the Machine)
writes:
There's a thin line between entertainment and war...
The little kiss between the 15 year old's on the
innocent "Disney movies" today, is not so
innocent... It's a very important part of lust's
attack on us... It's where we are taught - from the
youngest age - that this stuff is beautiful and Ok
and should be virtued... "It's innocent puppy
love"...
Well, you know what? I RAGE against that! Because
this is "step one" on our way to this addiction.
We can't let the Greeks win... Not then, Not this
time, Not Ever... We are stronger than them...
Thank you GYE, for standing by me in this war
against lust...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"HelpmeGYE" writes:
I have to say that the Chizuk emails have become my
lifeline. I come in to my office after the
pritzus in the street, and as I open my computer
I have that familiar tingling feeling, but the
Chizuk email keeps me in focus. Even more
importantly, I am in correspondence with two other
members of the GYE family and I/we keep strong
for each other's sake. I daven that I should be able
to keep this up, and not lose my enthusiasm. The Y'H
has a lot of tricks.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Becomeholy" writes:
Last night was a tough night. I basically ended up
spending all night reading GYE. Often I would be
doing other not-so-good things instead. As they say,
spend the time on "healing" instead of the
addiction.
What I realized is, that life is a challenge. I need
to "play the game" and move up in "levels." Every
single thing in life is tailor-made to challenge me
to get to the next level. It's not about "ME". If
I'm out to "receive" instead of to "give", I'm
missing the point. I need to shift my thinking and
realize that every single pleasure I get is a gift,
an extra. It's not a right, or even an expectation.
By realizing that God is in control, and focusing on
what God wants from me EVERY moment, I
will be able to connect to God and achieve true
happiness. By being giving to others and
expecting NOTHING in return, I can achieve even
greater happiness, since anything I do
receive from them will be an extra, a plus;
something special. Once I achieve this paradigm
shift, I will be a different person - nothing
will faze me.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Ano-Nymous" writes:
I was walking around a few minutes ago on a large
street. I got myself something to eat, and I did a
little shopping. As is always the case, there were
many women walking around. My instinct, of course,
told me to give the "initial peek" (which is really
just used to determine if "staring" is warranted,
right? :-). Surprisingly, I just didn't do it.
Whereas in the past, when the same thing happened,
I'd give myself a pat on the back and my ego would
go up a notch, this time I just felt a tremendous
feeling of joy and connection to God, and an endless
amount of gratitude to Him for simply taking the
battle away. I'm no Tzaddik, but I sure feel a lot
closer to God now than I ever have in the past. And
the pleasure and serenity I gained from that feeling
of "connectedness" was 1000x greater than what I
have ever felt from patting myself on the back and
telling myself what a Tzaddik I am (not to mention
how much more effective it is, in helping me avoid
it all for the long term). I can only hope it will
continue this way...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Silentbattle"
writes:
Sometimes I think it would be nice to get the gift
of freedom from the Yetzer Hara... But would
it really? We aren't just given challenges in life.
Life is ALL about challenges. Without
them, there'd be no purpose in our being
here. So yes, facing nisyonos isn't fun, and
we certainly don't ask for extra tests, but
remember that the falling and getting up that you're
doing is exactly what you've been put here for.
And by working on it, you're already
winning - by accomplishing what you're supposed to!
Ha - it's like back
in camp, on the sides of the color-war songs they'd
write, "Smile - you're on the winning team!"
But we ARE on the
winning team because, without a doubt, signing into
GYE is signing up to Hashem's team. |
|
|
657. |
Tuesday ~ 28 Kislev, 5770 ~ December 15, 2009
4th Day of Chanukah |
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
In Today's Issue
-
Announcement: New Phone Group
Starting
-
Practical Tip of the Day: Get Enough Sleep
-
Saying of the Day: The Times I Fail...
-
Story of the Day: "This time, I surrender!"
-
12-Step Attitude: Feeling Hashem's Hugs
-
Daily Dose of Dov: Hashem is With Us
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Announcement
New Phone Group Starting
An anonymous support group, where people can get their
stories and feelings out, in a structured manner.
To join, either post on
this thread or contact
yiddle2@gmail.com
"Yiddle" writes:
I sometimes call in to a non-Jewish SA phone group.
They don't have a sponsor run the call, rather they
just have people like me and you, in recovery.
There's literature and they read questions and go
around to people on the call and answer the
questions. Everyone has like two minutes maximum to
answer each question. I think this would be a great
idea for us to do. We could make our own
support group where we would just talk about our
struggles and answer questions, and where everyone
would get a chance to speak. (If you want you can
just listen, but the call is based on people
speaking up).
This is not a 12 step program like
Duvid Chaim's call. This will not be your road
to recovery. But this can put you on the road
if you are not there, and also guide you along if
you are already there.
Right now, we have
about 6 people interested so far, and we're shooting
for some time this coming Sunday for our first call.
We could use some more people on the call, so
please sign-up to join. Hopefully this will work for
everyone, just let me know now which times are best
for you!
Remember, the best way to break this addiction is to
GET OUT OF ISOLATION. |
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Practical Tip of the Day
Get Enough Sleep
As addicts, we are much more prone to falling when
we're tired - especially at work. Feeling
unproductive and "aimless" can easily lead to acting
out.
Steve offers some practical advice for those who
suffer from
sleep
deprivation:
A Rebbe of mine once told me that
"your day starts the night before". And he
explained that this is a big trick of the Yetzer
Hara to make us stay up late at night and not
get enough sleep. He even tricks us into becoming
"temporary Tzaddikim" by giving us an
inspiration to LEARN late, cuz he knows we're gonna
miss davening in the morning AND forget the learning
anyway, since we were tired when we studied it.
My prescription? Try this for 3 days:
Don't eat after 8 pm, but water is OK. Absolutely no
video stimulation for the 2 hours before bed. Turn
off the phone. Set up some quiet instrumental
background music, or get one of those cheep sound
machines that makes pastoral or rain sounds for
noise. At
the same time,
curl up IN BED with a nice "Visions of Greatness"
book, or something with SHORT inspirational stories
(and read the happy ones, not the Holocaust ones).
Limit yourself to 20 minutes of reading AFTER you
take one of the following sleep aids: Sip a nice cup
of Wisskotsky's Sweet Lullaby Tea (it's decaf). Or,
if you're the type, (and nobody yell at me, this is
only for temporary use), take some over the counter
melatonin or Sleep MD (all natural sleep aids). Of
course check with your doctor first, and also to
know how much to take. Do NOT take too much, even if
the box says it's not habit forming. BUT GO TO BED
THE FIRST NIGHT WITH 10-12 HOURS available before
you have to get up. At least 9 hours. Cancel
a chavrusa if you have to - this is an
investment in your future.
Do this for 3 nights in a row. No
excuses. See what happens. You need to reset your
internal clock. And you need a safe and healthy way
to get you to sleep long enough to experience REM
sleep and proper dreaming.
If you're still exhausted,
even after being asleep for 8 hours for three days
in a row, then please consider getting a sleep-study
to test for sleep apnea. Many people have
this without even realizing it. |
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Saying of the Day
By "Struggling in UK"
"The
times I fail are when I ignore the fact that I have
chosen a different path for my life." |
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Story of the Day
"This time, I surrender!"
A 21 year old Bochur ("ano-nymous") posted the following on
the forum:
Before I joined GYE last year, I was being
constantly attacked by lust. I was a heavy "user".
It was an everyday pastime, and sometimes many times
a day. I never considered it abnormal because I had
great excuses, such as "My friends are doing it" and
"it's healthy for you," but somehow it just didn't
feel right. After coming to GYE, I got 7 months
clean, but every day was a battle. Then it got
easier, and I started to relax my guard and started
slipping gradually again. So gradually, in fact,
that I hardly noticed. But after falling twice in
one day, I finally decided that enough is enough.
Even if I "only" need a drink once in a while, I
cannot live life like that, and I knew that it would
inevitably get worse if I let it keep going.
This time, I wanted to switch from the fighting
method to the "surrender and connect to God"
method, because I didn't want to live a life of
"only" watching porn here or there. It is
unacceptable for a civilized human being (which I
consider myself to be), even if you leave aside the
religious issues, and it will wreak havoc on a
marriage (lots of proof to that here on the
website). And if I am doing something - which I DO
NOT want to do - even occasionally, it means I am
not in control of myself at all. This is not the way
a human being is supposed to live.
So I rejoined
the forum again, and I'm going to attempt to
work God into my life and let Him help me out (you
just have to LET him in!). I joined
Duvid Chaim's calls and I'm surprised that he
doesn't have more people on the calls (there were 14
the first time I called in). The calls are GREAT,
and they leave me feeling so inspired.
I believe that the reason more people don't call in is
because they think "only addicts call in, and I
am certainly NOT an addict." But according to
Rabbi Twerski's definition of an addict, if on a
regular basis you find yourself doing things which
you KNOW you should not do and do NOT want to
do, you ARE an addict. Anyone who fits this
definition (which probably includes almost everyone
visiting this website) will most likely benefit from
applying the 12 Steps in their daily lives.
I wish I would have joined Duvid Chaim's group
sooner. I love the style of the call, as well as his
brutal honesty (which is not presented in a brutal
manner at all!). I plan to call in as often as I can
now.
Thanks so much Duvid Chaim!
P.S. I've set up my cell phone in such a way that I can
send and receive calls for free, so the phone
conference call, which is an hour each day, is
totally free for me! Check out
this post where I describe in more detail
how you can also set up your phone to make and
receive free calls! (I also use this method to call
my
accountability partner for free). |
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
12-
Step Attitude
Feeling Hashem's Hugs
"Steve", a Talmid of
Duvid Chaim's phone group, writes:
I saw a friend this morning who wasn't smiling. I
asked him if his children had clothes. He said yes.
I asked him if he had food on his table today. He
said yes. I asked him if his roof leaks when it
rains. He smiled and said no.
Count your blessings. Don't take the things you
always have for granted. Start with counting your
toes.
You are hugged by Hashem all the time. The trick is
to feel it at least one a day. The hug
doesn't have to be a volcanic miracle. It can be as
quiet as a new understanding/awareness of Hashem's
role in your life, or even of the BEAUTY of His
creation.
I just saw a National Geographic article about
pollen. Unbelievable close-up color photographs of
the beauty and complexity and PURE GENIUS of how
these many diversified shaped and colored particles
look & function. Realizing that Hashem orchestrates
the release, travel, and deposit of these things to
continue to create flowers & plants was a pure "Awe
& Wonder Moment" for me.
Click the image to see in full size
So too, Hashem is in control of MY life, even if I
think from my microscopic view of the universe that
I am just being blown by the wind for no rhyme or
reason.
HKB"H sends a gazillion messages our way each day.
We just gotta LOOK and ASK Him for help, in anything
and everything. Just "Let Go and Let G-d". TRUST
him.
This DOES work.
Have an "awesome" day,
Steve |
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Daily Dose of Dov
Dov is sober in SA for over 10 years
Hashem is With Us
Chuck C. (Author of the
White Book of SA) once said: "What you are
looking for, you're looking with; and what you found, came here with you."
We've all got Hashem
with us, period.
When Hashem told the Avos not to fear, "for I
am with you,"
He was not informing them of anything. They always knew
he was with them. Rather, Hashem was speaking it out
to them to make the relationship work for
them. Just like a nisayon: Hashem "tests" us
just to bring out the greatness that is already within us. Hashem was letting them actually
hearHis love and attachment to them, even though it was already
there, to make it the kind of awareness that works.
Plenty of us have faith in G-d. But that is not
enough for addicts. We need a faith that works. And that usually seems to take time, work, pain, and
patience. (Unless you've got nevu'ah... but
it seems that getting nevu'ah requires those
things, too. Darn). |
|
|
658. |
Wednesday ~ 29 Kislev, 5770 ~ December 16, 2009
5th Day of Chanukah |
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Story of the Day
"Tatty, when are you coming home?"
Steve posted his story on
the forum for the first time:
So here I am, 52 years old, finally
beginning my journey into my New Way of Living,
thanx to Reb Guard, Duvid Chaim & the fearless crew
on
his calls, and the GYE family.
I got here about a year and a half ago, in July
2008, while searching for chizuk for shmiras
eiynayim. I signed up for the emails, but then I
wasted over a year letting them collect in an inbox
folder hoping to get to read them one day.
The forum looked too intricate for me to
navigate, so I didn't even try.
B"H for "falls" at the right time, cuz picking
myself up from one led me to finally read one email.
And THAT ONE, ladies and gents, is where I saw the
advertisement for
Duvid Chaim's new 12-Step Program Group Call,
and thank G-D I followed the links to find out more.
Again, Hashem was stretching out His hand to me, but
THIS time, I TOOK IT!! I joined his group
when it started in October.
I NEVER would have suspected I was a sexaholic, I
just thought I was a guy with a very big Yetzer
Hara that just got out of hand with the ease of
internet access. But when I read the description
that an addict is ONE WHO KNOWS HE SHOULD STOP, BUT
CAN NOT, or described as someone who loses time from
work and family because of this uncontrollable
drive; someone whose life is heading to ruination,
it hit me. Those words described me 'to a T'.
I was seeing myself and my uncontrollable life
mirrored in the words of so many others, I couldn't
believe it! I WAS NOT ALONE.
All the years of acting out; the guilt and the
shame; the hours glued to bad sites while family
time and parnassa slipped away; the lying to my
children who'd call me at work and ask "Tatty,
when are you coming home?" And I'd close my eyes
to the screen to say "I have to work late", then
open them up again after the call to keep watching
for hours more... And the self hate, the loathing,
the name calling and cursing of myself that I did
when I'd drive home at 3 am, the promises to Hashem,
and then breaking them the very next morning. Days,
months, YEARS lost, and I thought I could climb out
of it on my own one day.
GuardYourEyes, along with Duvid Chaim and the brave
members of our crew, have shown me the real way out
of this decrepit existence, toward a life of freedom
from this "lust addiction", and hopefully from my
other shortcomings as well.
On the calls, I found people whom I could talk to
through the blessed veil of anonymity, to discover
who I really am and find how I could heal. And on
the forum I found the rest of you, both
inspirational and needy, and I've been blessed that
I could help a little here and there. What I love
best, is that the time I would have spent on my
computer pushing Hashem out of the world, I
am now using to pull Him back in; into my
life and into the life of others.
Thanx to Duvid Chaim, I am on the road to recovery.
It was hard to accept that "I'm a pickle, and
will never be a cucumber again." (i.e. that an
addict has permanently altered his way of thinking
and will never be the same). He showed me logically
the truth behind it. But I never really understood
the depth of my emotional loss at that recognition
until I read Letakein's amazing poem,
The Falling Leaves. She wrote that to help
herself heal, but by sharing it, she MADE me
heal. I wasn't afraid to take the next step, to "Let
Go and Let G-d", to trust His re-creating me into
something new, even though I still do not know where
it's heading.
So, my friends (and it means so much to me to be
able to call y'all that), THIS is the place on earth
for real Milchemes Hashem.
Starting this Chanukah, may we all be blessed
together to move far away from the Great Darkness
that has owned us until now, and come into the GREAT
LIGHT of Hashem's Love. Kein Yehi Ratzon. |
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The GYE Lighthouse
"RATM" (Rage At The Machine) wrote today on
the forum:
So CNN did an important news piece yesterday... I
think it was part of their business report... very
important business news... The story was about an
entrepreneur that was expanding his business in the
face of the economic difficulties we all face... It
was some important business news that I am sure many
good young boys and girls whose parents are careful
that they don't watch shmutz (and therefore
they can only watch CNN) viewed with great
interest... And what was the business? A whorehouse
in Nevada that was now offering new services never
offered before... The CNN anchor spoke seriously
about the career minded people that can no longer
afford the time or money of relationships, inferring
that here was a suitable replacement...
Chevra,
this is the war we are facing! The active push to
legitimize Sex and Lust Addiction... The world-wide
effort to remove it from the shadows and the
bathroom, and place it on our dining room tablecloth
- and for our children too!
... And it's only getting worse...
If it weren't for the efforts of GuardYourEyes, we
would have nothing at all to counter this and our
children would be born dead... Stillborn souls....
But because I do believe in GYE, we
will change the tide... one person at a
time...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Rabbosai, here is a SHOCKING e-mail
that I recently received from a Rebbe in a vibrant
Jewish community:
I am a Rebbe in a small Yeshivah
where I deal with regular frum middle-school age
boys who have not had much success in the regular
school systems for various reasons. It was recently
brought to my attention that many of these boys,
ages 11-14 are addicted to pornography and hotzoas
zera livatala. They view this as if it were normal
and not even something to work on. After speaking
with my Rav, I have been working privately, and
recently in a more public setting, with them in this
matter. I have a honest and non-judgmental
relationship with them which helps them stay honest
with me, knowing that I am there for them. I have
instituted rewards and almost daily "check-ups" to
help them fight these urges for the first time.
Already I have seen a lot of success... more than I
expected, actually. Many of them do not even know
that this is assur, and they couldn't believe me
when I said looking and thinking about these things
is not allowed from the Torah. Hopefully, I will
slowly and persistently work with them on this
topic. I have even read some of the stories from
your website to them, to show them where this can
lead, in the hopes of sparking their input.
All the kids who were involved could
not imagine stopping for even a few weeks at a time,
so I guess they are addicted. I offered a two week,
and then a 4 week, incentive to any boy who took up
the challenge to be free from both porn and hotzoas
zera. Two boys are already on their 3rd week. One
boy did ask me how he would be able to sustain this
when he feels very bored and doesn't have enough to
do to fill his free time, and pornography is an easy
time consumer. Another boy said he used it as a way
to fall asleep at night. And yet another boy said
his father caught him and did nothing about it!
An additional problem is most of
these boys have iPod touches or other devices with
Wifi, so that having blockers on their computer
wouldn't really solve their problem. Others are very
savvy and can break - in their own words - "any
block" on a computer.
Some boys did become interested when
I told them that there was a hot-line on this site
for people who needed chizuk... Is this something
practical and accessible for this age group? They
did say that having someone to talk to when they
were feeling weak would help a lot, and I encouraged
them to call me, but maybe another venue would help.
One amazing thing that I did see, was
that after our discussions, they were discussing the
matter with each other in an open way about their
nisyonos and giving each other their own brand of
advice. Either way, I think a small revolution was
created in this class to overcome a topic which I
know I never heard about in Yeshivah.
Would you suggest anything else that
I can practically implement and help all the boys in
the Yeshivah understand and, if need be, change this
dangerous habit?
(We sent
this Rebbe our handbooks along with other useful
advice and tips on dealing with this issue). But
Rabbosai, if Klal Yisrael doesn't awaken
to the dangers that we face today,
we will be raising an entire generation of addicts -
Rachmana Letzlan!
Think about how the marriages and Yiddishkeit
of such children will be affected one day!
Every Mashgiach and Rebbe in today's
generation needs to be equipped with the tools and
knowledge of how to deal with these issues.
GuardYourEyes has set for itself a goal to make this
a main-stream issue in today's religious world, and
to provide information to all Mechanchim on
how to deal with these issues. The handbooks
we have today are just a start. They will IY"H be
expanded and split into different versions, one of
which will be designed specifically with
Mechanchim in mind.
Besides for helping those who struggle, GYE plans on
having an entire division (one day) dedicated just
to "PREVENTION". But... we can't do this ALONE.
We are Rabbim neged me'Atim. A few
Maccabees, standing off against an entire WORLD.
Mi LaHashem Alai!
Click the image above to view a clip from AISH.com
about the power of each individual light
Rabbosai, with your help we can change the
world, one person at a time. If each of you does his
part to heal themselves; and if each of you
helps spread the word about our work amongst your
e-mail contacts, or by writing anonymous letters to
Rabbanim, askanim, mashgichim;
and/or if each person donates what they can (see the
bottom of this e-mail for donation options)...
Together we can light up the NIGHT, one candle
at a time!
A little light banishes a LOT of darkness! |
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Daily Dose of Dov
Dov is sober in SA for over 10 years
Eyeball Upgrade
"Eye.nonymous" writes:
When I first joined this forum I was thinking, "I
don't have such a big problem. I just have a lot of
trouble controlling my eyes on the street. But po**
and mast** I just slip up on once in while, and it's
really not my fault because I'm trying so hard to
overcome it."
I've discovered,
first of all, that the po** and mast** was actually
more frequent than I realized, and that there were
some major underlying issues fueling these two
behaviors. I feel like I'm in a much healthier place
now. I have uncovered frustration, worries, tension,
depressing thoughts, and I'm doing fairly well at
warding them off. I'm trying to focus on positive
thinking and on LIVING more and more.
But, regarding that
first problem which, at first, was the only one I
really admitted was a problem--controlling my
eyes on the street, I feel like I haven't made any
progress. My eyes seem just as hefker now as
they were before.
What am I missing?
We Replied:
As
the GYE handbook states, guarding our eyes
usually takes a lot longer for us to master
than stopping our "bottom line" behaviors... Please
read tool #2 of the handbook again. Also,
here's a page with lots of great tips and
attitude ideas that can help us with guarding the
eyes out there (read from the top of the page till
the bottom).
Dov Replies:
Reb Eye,
Here are some things you may wish to consider:
1) At least you are a
"somewhat more humble, honest, and mature person" -
in other words: "a more useful person", now.
So you are still lusting out there sometimes. Did
you really expect perfection?
...or...
2) You may be
mistaken. Our "progress" is not readily apparent to
us because
we are looking at it from inside of ourselves.
We judge its seriousness/badness exactly by how
frustrated/upset we are with it right now.
So, today, you may have a much higher standard, say,
in how much pleasure you take from it, how much
fantasy you attach to it, or how much guilt and
self-loathing you spend on it (the guilt and
self-loathing being perhaps even more
damaging than the fantasy...). Progress in these
areas is progress, too.
So if you have progressed,
it is likely that you feel worse about doing even
less than you did before, because of your
current improved state of sanity.
Make any sense to you? (I posted more about this
idea
over here last week)
...or...
3) I'd ask you if you
are working
the 12-Steps in order, with help from other
recovering people. If yes, great! Look back at
either steps 1 or 2. (In my case, I made no apparent
progress before I worked the steps).
...or...
4) Maybe you are
ready to start working on "controlling" your eyes in
a new sort of way now. Here's something that
works for me: Have a prayer to say for each and
every one of the women you tend to stare at. (At
least don't stare at them while saying
the tefilla...). Then say it again if you
still feel selfish. Try to feel genuine concern
about their lives, self-respect, health, connection
with Hashem (it's really huge for everyone to
have a relationship with Hashem, rather than be
fooled by chazerai and living death, no? And
not just Yidden, right?). Aren't you a nice
guy?
("Of course I am!").
Don't you wish good for everyone?
("er, sure..."). So? Daven for her!!! And hey: I doubt using her image to lust
is called caring.
(".....ummm....").
Also, you can try to
give your eyeballs to the Ribono Shel Olam
(as a sacrifice) while you are driving/walking to
work/yeshiva. I used to say the parsha of the
Tomid (bal peh, of course) while
driving into work, instead of taking that "second
look" at the first image of a woman that I noticed
in an adjacent car (or walking/jogging by) every
morning. I treated the ta'ayvo - that I
excruciatingly painfully gave up - as a
korban to Hashem. I made it more real to me by
saying the parsha, as Chazal tell us
to do in lieu of giving the korban.
(Note from admin: The words "zeh ha'Ishe asher Takrivu
LaHashem" can be translated to mean "this is the
woman that you should sacrifice to Hashem :-)
BTW - it was very important for it not to
be the parsha of an olah
or a chatos - it
isn't kaporo I am interested in here at all. Guilt/Teshuva and kaporo are all strictly
Hashem's business, as they have proven to be far too
poisonous for me to worry about. My natural approach
to them was infected with my old ways of "sick
thinking" that got me screwed up in the first place.
Chas vesholom for me to go back there, no
matter how "frum" it may seem.
So it's a Korban Tomid. Just a gift for
Hashem, cuz He's my Best Friend, My G-d, and I serve Him - rather than myself
or Lust - as often as possible. A nice thing to do,
no?
Besides, I found that "setting the table" well by
giving up the very first "second look" made the
entire trip to work safer for me! It was a really
nice eyeball upgrade, though temporary - after all,
it required daily rebooting and frequent refreshing
for a few months, till it becomes much more natural.
I'm rambling again,
but "Nu". Hope it helps somehow. It's not advice nor
preaching, just sharing one addict's personal
experience with another. |
|
|
659. |
Thursday ~ 30 Kislev, 5770 ~ December 17, 2009
6th Day of Chanukah |
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
In Today's Issue
-
Practical Tip the Day: Visualization
-
Q & A of the Day: "Why have we been burdened with
these onerous tasks?"
-
Battle
Communication:
The Teffilah from the Other Me
-
The GYE Lighthouse (part 2): Klal Yisrael's Best & Brightest
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Practicle Tip of the Day
Visualization
"silentbattle" writes some advice
on
the forum:
When things are calm, picture
yourself being faced with a challenge and in your
mind picture yourself, instead of acting out, doing
something specific instead, like getting up and
going to a different room, going for a jog, calling
a friend, e-mailing someone, etc... Picture this
scenario again and again, so that when the time
comes, that will almost be your natural reaction to
the situation.
"becomeholy" reinforces this idea:
Excellent advice! Basically what you're doing is
re-training your subconscious to do something
other than act out when you're challenged. Since
this is an addiction, you're NOT in control when it
happens. "Practicing" a different course of action
helps re-train yourself to act differently when your
subconscious is in charge and not you. |
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q &
A of the Day
"Why have we been
burdened with these onerous tasks?"
A Non-Jew, who has been getting the Chizuk e-mails
for almost two years, wrote me an e-mail today:
Dear Guard,
Recently, I have been
thinking to myself that God wants us to fulfill our
full potential. However, how can we do that if we've
been weakened, bloodied and scarred by the
consequences of masturbation, lust and pornography?
I'm not angry with
God or feeling sorry for myself, but the truth is,
that the time, energy, health and opportunities that
so many of us have lost because of this - can never
be fully replaced, if at all.
Though it is true
that I am no longer addicted to those horrors and
I'm not in a hell on earth anymore, I know that the
effects of those lost years are following me, and
will be with me till the day I die. Sure, I
discovered the truth through an ordeal of suffering,
and I learnt a lot about human nature and life, but
the cost, even today, seems too heavy a price to
have paid.
I know that we very
well could be the generation before
Messiach, but why have we been burdened with
these onerous tasks?
I hope I haven't
angered and annoyed you by my questions Reb G, but
your insight and wisdom have put me at peace so many
times before. Thanks for your time and help.
We replied:
One day we will all understand why we needed to be
hammered out of the walls of a deep underground
cave, gathered piece by piece, filtered through
water, cleansed through fire, melted in a huge
smelting pot, and poured into a mold... all so that
ultimately we will be beautiful statues of pure
gold, standing tall in the Palace of the King,
where he will take great pride in us - and we will
bask in His glory and love, as He recalls the long
and difficult journey that it took to get us there!
:-)
On a related note, Dov wrote today on the forum:
I heard an
alcoholic once say that he believed
that "it took every
single drink I ever had ...
to
get me to the point in recovery that I am at right
now."It's
a painful - but beautiful - experience to shed guilt
and let go of our evils.
And that's what life's all about. The
pain and suffering that we endured, is all part of
the beautiful journey. Without it, we'd never get
where we need to.
|
Battle
Communication
The Teffilah from the Other Me
"Letakein" writes
on
the forum:
I just listened to the new Boruch Levine CD and one
of the songs has the coolest message...
The song is about a shnorer who decides to become a
fake Rebbe so that people will donate to him in
return for his giving them a bracha. The plan works
out fabulous. He rakes in the money as a real
crook... One day, a mother comes in and cries to him
that her daughter is dying, and she begs him to pray
for her. He realizes that this woman is depending on
him and he goes into a locked room and begins crying
to Hashem. He says: "Hashem, I know I'm a crook and
I don't have the merit to save this girl, but this
mother is depending on me through her simple faith
in Tzadikim. I know that only You, Hashem, can do
this. So please listen to my tears and heal this
innocent girl."
The girl is miraculously healed, and the song ends with
the words:
A lesson we can learn from this, the lesson rings so
true,
the essence of a prayer's weighed by
what's inside of you.
The tears we shed are always there - a
little or a lot,
though at times we may pretend to be
someone who we're not.
How amazing are those
last 2 lines! I've thought like that so many times!
I'd act out and then cry my eyes out during
Mincha. And I would think to myself, "you're
such a hypocrite! Now you cry to Hashem after you
just did THAT?". But this story clearly shows us
the power of a sincere Tefilla at anytime,
from anyone! |
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The GYE Lighthouse
(Part 2)
Klal
Yisrael's Best & Brightest
"shmiratainayim" wrote on
the forum two days ago:
Ok, so I accept this addiction as a fact, but it's
so hard to fight it. I'm single, in the parsha
of Shidduchim, and gifted with the
capabilities to create an uprising in the Jewish
world (in chinuch, kiruv krovim or
kiruv rechokim). But I'm wasting my potential at
the computer screen. When away from the computer, I
learn from early morning to late nights, with
hislahavus, amailus, etc. I can take a
Maharal and compile/summarize it into such an
understandable manner that even non-religious Yidden
see it as sensible, understandable and pertinent. I
can address large audiences and present a powerful
and heartfelt message that leaves them truly touched
- and with a smile on their face. I have a lot of
potential, but I waste it all by not giving up on
this one vise!!!! If only for the sake of the people
I can help later on in life, please help me break
this addiction. Please!
"Kollel Guy" Responds:
I have a scary thing to tell you. Being that you are
an addict, there is absolutely nothing that
anyone can tell you that will "convince" you
not to go back to it. It might make an impression on
you, you might not do it now, you might not
do it tomorrow either, but when it's 'addiction' vs.
'divrei hisorerus', 'addiction' wins - by
hook or by crook. Addiction is a disease, and it
must be dealt with using a different set of
tools than you're used to thinking of.
I tried for years to kick my p**n habit by 'getting
my act together' in numerous ways. And while
everything else in my life fell into place through
'getting serious' and 'shaping up', this just
wouldn't budge. And I'd go through streak after
streak, fall after fall, each time thinking that a
different 'nekudah' was really what was
causing the problem. And then I'd try to work on
that nekudah, thinking that had I only worked
on it sooner - I would have been done with this long
ago. And I'd be confident that now that I was going
to develop that new 'mindset' or start that new 'hanhagah',
I would no longer have the problem.
Needless to say, I'd be back to the same question of
"where did I go wrong this time?" a week, or
a month, or 3 months later.
And this continued until I found this site and
learned what an addiction is, and it's nature, and
how it controls a person's thinking, and how a
different set of tools are necessary to beat it.
Until we don't recognize that distinction, we are
like people trying to blow up a tire with a hole in
it. No matter how hard you try, unless you patch up
that hole first, you won't get very far.
I seriously hope you read
the handbook and "Hit bottom while you're
still on top".
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"baLetaher" wrote on the forum
yesterday:
Hello
to everyone,
This is my first
foray into the world of GYE, and I'm really hoping
that it will become a real force in my life, as I've
been battling the other forces for too long.
I'm happily married
to a beautiful and loving woman, and together we are
raising a bunch of wonderful children, yet there is
a side of me that no one knows about, a side of me
that has been eating away at me for almost as long
as I can remember. That side of me is the Mr. Hyde
to my Dr. Jekkyl, the crazed sicko who gets set
loose at night and does horrifically shameful
things. Being a true Ohaiv Ha-shem, who
really loves the Aibishter and his Torah and
Mitzvos, this creates an enormous amount of conflict
in my life, leading me to feelings of isolation -
despite being surrounded by people who love me; and
despair - despite leading a relatively successful
life.
To compound those
feelings, I am involved in Avodas Hakodesh,
so while people are looking to me for inspiration,
I'm sometimes involved in things that if they had
the slightest clue of, they would pillory me in the
town square. This makes me feel even more like a
fake and a fraud, despite the fact that all I really
want to do in my life is bring people closer to
Avinu Shebashamayim. Many times, I have thought
about quitting my job, recognizing that I'll never
really be able to inspire others if there's no gas
in my fuel tank, but I'm reminded of the
fish's response to Rabbi Akiva, "If in the water,
the place of our life, we need to fear, how much
more so on dry land, the place of our death!" So
I guess I will try to stay close to the water.
Besides all the teaching I do, I personally learn
for hours every day, sometimes immediately followed
by a most inglorious session of shmutz!. I
just keep trying to slog through the muck.
Today is day 1 of my
journey. I hope you can give me the chizzuk I
need to make it out of my living hell.
Besides for our usual welcoming post
with links to the handbooks, we responded as
follows:
Dear baLetaher,
Your story is the
same as so many others on this site. It brings tears
to my eyes to see how our
best and brightest
are finding themselves wallowing in
the mud. Someone just sent me the following
yesterday:
I heard a medrash
quoted by Rav Kessin. It relays a conversation
between Moshiach ben Yosef and Hashem.. Moshiach ben
Yosef has become aware of the possibility that many
of the Jewish people will not make it through to the
times of Moshiach. This upsets him greatly and he
declares his readiness to do whatever it takes so
that they should survive. Hashem responds and says
that in order to save them, he
will have to descend to the depths of impurity in
order to save every last soul,
as many of them will be entrenched in evil. He
agrees to this, and as he is sent down into the
spiritual abyss, Moshiach
ben Yosef screams in horror at the depths of the
depravity he encounters,
but nevertheless does accomplish his goal.
Who knows if your
soul - and other holy souls like yours -
don't perhaps contain a spark of Moshiach Ben
Yosef that had to enter the depths of depravity,
so that WHEN YOU FINALLY BREAK FREE of this though
your own personal journey of Messiras Nefesh,
you will be able - through the wisdom you gained
thereby - to pull hundreds of OTHER Yidden
out as well, along with you!
So let's begin this
journey to the light, for the honor of Hashem,
TODAY, on Chanukah - in a time when the king
descends limata me'asara and when one can do
Teshuvah from even the lowest sins! (see the
Divrei Chaim - quoted in Chizuk e-mail #656)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
About a year ago, a prestigious
Mechanech wrote us once for help:
Dear GUE,
Sorry For anonymity
but it would be a Chillul Hashem to show my
real face. I am a prestigious mechanech and
respected marriage counselor. I helped a lot of
Bachurim and couples in their own sexual
problems. But as chazal say "ain chovish matir
atzmoh", I can't be in command of myself at all,
I need access to the net for my profession, and
being a computer guru, I have outsmarted the filters
& locks.
If you would know who
the writer is you would weep for weeks. I can't
tolerate it any longer. It seems to me that he only
way is by including outside help. However SA
meetings are out of question due to my caliber, and
letting my wife in does also not come in
consideration. Do you think I can be helped without
blowing my secret?
We answered him and got him involved
in our network and forum.
About
4
months later
he writes:
R'
Guard, you can not visualize the effect that GYE has
had on my life.
Since I joined the
forum my life has simply CHANGED for the better
Like a turtle slowly
(actually rapidly) emerging from his shell.
Starting to live a
lively life, a life of control and reason.
To understand myself,
and the others around me.
I opened my eyes,
grasped my deterring situation, and made a swift
U-turn.
WOW!! One hundred
twenty five days.
125 days ago I joined
the forum
125 days ago I was
reborn
Right, I consider
myself an infant of 4 months old.
I watch my soul
growing daily, as a kid would regularly appraise his
height.
My Davening has not
been with such devotion for a very long time.
The learning has
become superior, since the tranquility of my
conscious.
I observe my social
life advancing, like a professional PR entering a
club.
My kith and kin have
never been closer to me, then the last few months.
My friends encircle
me, as bees would surround their comb
And the list goes on and on...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Mi LaHashem Alai!
Click the image above to view a clip from AISH.com
about the power of each individual light
Rabbosai, our very best and brightest are being
pulled into she'ol tachtis! But with your
help we can change the world, one person at a
time. If each of you does his part to heal
themselves; and if each of you helps spread the
word about our work amongst your e-mail contacts, or
by writing anonymous letters to Rabbanim,
askanim, mashgichim; and/or if each
person donates what they can (see the bottom of this
e-mail for donation options)... Together we
can light up the NIGHT, one candle at a time!
A little light banishes a LOT of darkness! |
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
It's the few of us MACCABEES up against the rest of
the world. Help us fight the great tests of today's
generation, which are seeping in to the very best of
our homes. Help us light up the night, one candle at
a time.
Through your donation, many more Yidden will be able
to be helped.
Please
ask us
how to donate through PayPal.
To donate anonymously, please see
this page for details.
For larger amounts, we have a FULLY ANONYMOUS tax
deductible donating option.
Ask us How!
If you can't afford a donation, help GYE with your
old STUFF!
Click here for more information. |
|
|
660. |
Friday ~ 1 Teves, 5770 ~ December 18, 2009
7th Day of Chanukah ~ Erev "Zos Chanukah"
Erev Shabbos Parshas Miketz |
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Chanukah
"Zos Chanukah"
& King Menashe
Many Sefarim bring down that the final judgement
that began on Rosh Hashana can still be reversed
until Zos Chanukah. One of the Karliner
Rebbes once said that "the shmattes can shelp
their Teshuvah until Zos Chanukah". We're all
shmattes, and we can all grab
ahold of this last opportunity for the Teshuvah that
we began on Rosh Hashana.
In this light, I would like to bring a powerful post about
Teshuvah from
our forum by "MosheW", based on a lecture he
once head from Rabbi Wachsman of Monsey:
There is an amazing (yet little known) medrash about King Menasha that I would like to share with the chevra:
At about the midpoint of Menasha's reign, the
Babylonians (or Assyrians, depending on the source)
kidnapped him and brought him back to Babylon (as
stated in Divrei
HaYamim /
Chronicles). They placed him in a giant pot at
started cooking him alive. Suddenly, as things were
heating up, Menasha started calling out to all the
pagan deities he worshiped, pleading with them to
save him. As thing were getting hotter and hotter to
the point where he could no longer take it, he
suddenly remembered that his father once told him
that "even if a sharp sword is resting on your neck,
don't give up, the Ribono Shel Olamcan still
have mercy". Left with no choice, he called out to
Hashem and brazenly said,"if You help me -
good, and if not, You are no better than all the
other pagan deities that I worship". The medrash continues
that when the Angels heard this, they went
ballistic. "How dare he talk to God that way!"
they said. Quickly, they sealed all the doors and
windows leading to Hashem's heavenly chamber, in an
effort to block his prayers. In response, our loving
Father in Heaven dug a small tunnel under His Kisei HaKavod (Holy
Throne), allowing Menasha's prayers to come before
Him. The Angels were perplexed as to why Hashem
would allow and accept such a brazen attempt of
repentance. Hashem explained that "if I close the
door of repentance before Menasha then I have to
close the door of repentance before every single
sinner in the future". Suddenly Menasha found
himself back in Jerusalem on his throne.
Let us analyze this
story, if we may. Who was Menasha? Chaza"l tell
us that Menasha was a mass murderer. He built idols
that were so enormous and heavy that it took one
thousand people to move them, and many people were
crushed by their weight in the process. He
sacrificed his own children to the Baal.
He placed multiple brazen images in the holy of
holies so that regardless of which direction the
divine presence turned, it would be forced to see
the images and get angry. Chaza"l further
relate that Menasha had relations with his sister
just for spite (not for pleasure). Basically, we are
talking about someone who was the worst of the
worst, who sinned just for spite, all the while
forcing others to sin as well. Menasha was so
successful in eradicating Torah from the Jewish
people, that his own grandson Yoshiyahu (Josiah) did
not see an actual Sefer Torah for
the first 20 years of his life.
Looking at Menasha
and the way he lived, one would think that perhaps
he had a difficult childhood, or maybe he came from
a broken home, maybe his father was abusive; bad
friends, etc. Who was Menasha's father? His father
was Chezkiah (Hezekiah). The Gemara states
that Chezkiah was among the greatest kings from the
house of King David, second only to King David
himself. He was so great and lofty that Hashem
wanted to make Chezkiah the Moshiach.
After his passing, they placed aSefer Torah on
his bier proclaiming: "this one fulfilled everything
that is written in this one". Basically, Menasha was
the worst of the worst, and at the same time, he was
the son of the best of the best. Yet Hashem lovingly
accepted his brazen repentance, so much so, that he
built a special tunnel for it to come directly
before Him.
Why did Hashem do
this? The commentaries explain that at that moment
of Teshuvah, Menasha was sincere and truly wanted to
return to God (even though he was slowly becoming
soup). As a matter of fact, he did indeed spend his
remaining years trying to reverse all the atrocities
he committed.
Sit back and think for a moment. We are not Menasha,
nor have we committed anything close
to what he did. Therefore, how much more so will our
loving Father in Heaven accept us and ourTeshuvah?
As you are reading this posting, He is sitting on
his Kisei
HaKavod looking
into that tunnel and waiting for us to come home. As
bad or dark as it may seem to be, even if we have
fallen so deep "into the soup" that we can't crawl
out, ALWAYS remember Menasha, what he did, and how
Hashem took him back.
Good Shabbos and ah
freilichen Chanukah!
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Saying of the Day
NEVER SAY NEVER
The Rambam in Mishne Torah, Hilchos Teshuva 3:14
writes:
"WE
CAN NEVER SAY TO OURSELVES THAT WE ARE SO DEEPLY
ENTRENCHED IN SIN THAT NOTHING CAN HELP US. WITH
COURAGE AND CONVICTION WE CAN MOVE FORWARD IN
REPENTACE, KNOWNING THAT HASHEM WILL HELP." |
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The GYE Lighthouse
(Part 3)
If the sections called "The GYE
Lighthouse" (parts 1 and 2) in the Chizuk
e-mails of the past two days haven't been enough to
convince anyone of the terrible darkness of our
generation and of the vital importance to Klal
Yisrael of the work that we are doing at GYE,
maybe this
4 minute audio clip
from Rabbi Twerski can help convince them :-).
This
clip is from a talk that Rabbi Twerski gave just two
days ago (I
cut out the part that is the most relevant to us).
In the clip, he discusses how internet addiction has
become the most destructive addiction in our
community today, and how easy it is to get addicted
(less than a second!!). He also discusses how we are
losing our BEST & BRIGHTEST to it. (He ties it in
with Chanukah, so make sure to listen to the clip
before Chanukah is over :-)
The rest of the shiur is about Tikkun Hamidos,
which is the underlying Yesod of the 12-Steps. To
hear the entire shiur, download it here (it's
only 14.30 minutes).
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Kollel guy" responds to the audio clip (on the
forum):
"If I hadn't personally experienced what he's
describing, I would definitely think he's
exaggerating."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"MGSBMS" wrote on
the forum yesterday, after reading the "GYE
lighthouse" section in the Chizuk e-mail:
Hi every one! I haven't updated this
forum for a while, I have a few things to shake out
so I'll get right to it. Before I joined this site,
I was slipping and falling on a daily basis for
about a year. Not "live" acting out, but I was
getting there. Then, besiyata d'shmaya, I
found this site a few days after Pesach and I had a
clean streak for four months. After a fall at the
end of August, I had another clean streak from
beginning of Elul till I fell again this week
without rhyme or reason (another 4 month streak).
While I was on these clean streaks, I hardly had to
fight. Just reading the daily e-mails and counting
the days was a great motivator!
I opened today's email after being depressed for two days
after my fall, and I was shocked to see that it was
written just for me. Without going into details
(because I feel it could cause a chilul Hashem),
I was able to identify with this quote fully:
"To
compound those feelings, I am involved in Avodas
Hakodesh, so while people are looking to me for
inspiration, I'm sometimes involved in things that
if they had the slightest clue of, they would
pillory me in the town square. This makes me feel
even more like a fake and a fraud, despite the fact
that all I really want to do in my life is bring
people closer to Avinu Shebashamayim. Many times, I
have thought about quitting my job, recognizing that
I'll never really be able to inspire others if
there's no gas in my fuel tank, but I'm reminded of
the fish's response to Rabbi Akiva, "If in the
water, the place of our life, we need to fear, how
much more so on dry land, the place of our death!"
So I guess I will try to stay close to the water.
Besides all the teaching I do, I personally learn
for hours every day, sometimes immediately followed
by a most inglorious session of shmutz!. I just keep
trying to slog through the muck"
I related to that so much, that it felt as if
someone was reading my mind! And I must add that it
gave me a tremendous amount of chizuk to know
that I'm not alone in this kind of conflict. But
this is all more reason for the Marbitzei Torah
on this forum to blaze the path and show the way of
milchemes hayetzer - and not let it take over
our lives!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
To the Talmid Chacham who recently
joined us (quoted above in blue), "RATM" (Rage at
the Machine) wrote yesterday:
Welcome to our community. I am not as big a
Talmid Chacham as you, but I also felt the
"contradicting life"... It hurt... But the thing is,
an addiction is a disease... Just like a Talmid
Chacham and an Am ha'Aretz can both get
rabies or allergies or prostate cancer, they can
both get this addiction... And the truth is,
contracting this disease was hardly our fault - if
at all... We were born into a world that didn't give
us much of a chance in this war... We were born into
an age where the efforts to turn everyone into
"mindless drones" that worship sex and lust is too
great... But as the Titanic is sinking, this little
paddle boat of GYE is filling up... And we're not
just gonna paddle to the shore, but we're gonna fill
that hole that's sinking the ship... So we need you,
especially since you are a Talmid Chacham...
Thank you for joining the revolution! |
|
|
661. |
Sunday ~ 3 Teves, 5770 ~ December 20, 2009 |
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
In Today's Issue
-
The GYE Lighthouse (part 4): Clip from Rabbi Twerski - and more.
-
Daily Dose of Dov: "What does being a nut have to
do with Yiddishkeit?"
-
Breaking News: The First Live GYE Meeting /
Kumzitz
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The GYE Lighthouse
(Part 4)
An Audio Clip from Rabbi Twerski - A MUST HEAR!!
If the sections called "The GYE
Lighthouse" (parts 1 through 3) in the Chizuk
e-mails of the past few days haven't been enough to
convince anyone of the terrible darkness of our
generation and of the vital importance to Klal
Yisrael of the work that we are doing at GYE,
maybe this
4 minute audio clip
from Rabbi Twerski can help :-).
This
clip is from a talk that Rabbi Twerski gave just a
few days ago.
In the clip, he discusses how the world is changing
faster than we can keep up with, and how internet
addiction has become the most destructive addiction
in our community today. He also discusses how
easy it is to get addicted (less than a
second!!), and how we are losing our BEST &
BRIGHTEST to this "horrible addiction".
The rest of the talk is about Tikkun Hamidos,
which is the underlying Yesod of the
12-Steps. To hear the entire speech, download it
on this page (it's only 14.30 minutes).
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Click the image above to view a clip from AISH.com
about the power of each individual light
Rabbosai, our very best and brightest are being
pulled into she'ol tachtis! But with your
help we can change the world, one person at a
time. If each of you does his part to heal
themselves; and if each of you helps spread the
word about our work amongst your e-mail contacts, or
by writing
anonymous letters to Rabbanim, askanim,
mashgichim; and/or if each person donates
what they can (see the bottom of this e-mail for
donation options)... Together we can change
the tide.
The lesson we need to take from Chanukah for
the whole year, is that "a little light banishes a
LOT of darkness"! |
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Daily Dose of Dov
Dov is sober in SA for over 10 years. See his story
here.
"What does being a nut have to do with
yiddishkeit?"
There was some discussion on
the forum about where the idea of "addiction" is
possibly mentioned in Chazal and/or various
s'farim. Dov responds:
You may be completely different than
I, but maybe not, so I'll share:
Facing the facts about myself
is basically the only thing that has been of
value to me in getting free - one day at a time. And
to do that, I need to be explicit and totally open
with other (safe) people.
By contrast, understanding how my problem and
its solution fits into my understanding of Torah,
was of no
use use at all in
changing my behavior.
If it mattered enough to stop me, then I would not
have habitually and frequently done so many things
that I knew were wrong in
the first place! After all, I knew in my heart
that it was wrong from
day 1.
For example, I read Yesod Yosef (the one that
the Kitzur Shulchan Aruch refers to, not the
one written by the Rebbe of the Kav Hayashar),
and
knowing the issur and its damage and gravity
helped me know exactly how
guilty, confused, and afraid of punishment to be.
That was all. Those things got me good and
desperate.... to act out some more, in
order to feel better.
Actually, maybe it stopped me twice. And some people
out there will say that "the whole thing was worth
it even
just to stop you from doing it those two times!,".
To them I say: Very nice, but tell that to
the devastated wife and wrecked family that
developed over years of sick behavior and a hidden
double life. Those scars may never heal, for
generations. It's no consolation for them that your
Olam Haba is a bit better because "at
least Tatty or Mommy were spared from acting out a
few times...". They (and we) need recovery,
today. Period.
"Kanesher" responds:
I think that Dov is trying to tell us
that our focus is wrong. Our "whole question" should
be elsewhere; IY"H after a year of recovery, we can
discuss the halachic and haskafchik ins and outs.
But now, our focus needs to be on the nature of our
addiction, not the fire and brimstone. Seriously,
FORGET ABOUT the rest. Just recover.
Is that what you mean, Dov?
Dov responds:
You're
right on, as far as I am concerned.
A frum yid, a
lamdan, starts doing something that is really,
really stupid. He does it once. He does it again. He
regrets it each time and feels terrible about it.
Slowly he makes this stupid mistake fifty times and
it starts to get expanded into something even more stupid.
When he thinks it over, he realizes that he is, in
fact, acting like a total idiot. He therefore hides
his behavior and only does
it in the utmost secrecy and privacy. He continues
acting like a jackass for ten years and finds out
that he'd better not let his wife get wind of it,
for it'd mess their marriage up a great deal. He is
violating trust and undermining his own self-respect
by acting in this immature and idiotic way, but he
finds that as much as he tries, he cannot succeed at
stopping. He figures he must just be a moron. After
all, he is doing
the same really dumb
stuff habitually. And he can't stop!
You'd agree that he's
got some kind of major mental problem. Seriously,
no?
Would you say that
this fellow has a problem that is dealt with in
s'forim? Mishlei spends a lot of time
telling us not to be jerks. Have you checked it out?
It also talks a lot about alcoholism, womanizing,
gambling, raging and lusting. It doesn't matter if
it's in a sefer.
After all, don't you feel that doing all - or
any - of these things is, in fact, just plain
stupid?
Yet we do them,
anyway. Even though these things are stupid, and
we are smart.
Or are
we?
If you find that you
keep doing this stuff even though it's stupid, then
what does being a "nut" have to do with
yiddishkeit at all? That is what I'd like
to know.
There are plenty of s'forim that
discuss these issues, and there are even some that
outline a program like the 12-Steps.
But to me, the more relevant question may be, why is
there no group movement of people in
Yiddishkeit to deal with these issues?
We respond to Dov:
Good question, Dov. Well, maybe the time has come...
Maybe people like you, me, and the rest of the good
folks at GYE will help answer this need one day.
Perhaps...
Rabbosai, we CAN
make a world-wide revolution. But to do that, we
need YOU.
If we fix ourselves,
we have fixed the world.
With G-d's help, one
person at a time, we will change the tide.
Someone told me a
nice vort yesterday. Why does it say in Al
Hanissim: "You (Hashem) revenged THEIR
revenge"? Shouldn't it say "you revenged
YOUR revenge"? After all, they were doing it
for Hashem's sake! Answers the Chidah, that
the Chashmona'yim felt that a life without
Torah and Mitzvos was not worth living at all. It
was not just for "Hashem". They felt that
their OWN lives were at stake!
And that is why all
you good folks at GYE, who understand and have
experienced the pain and scars of the
nisyonos of our generation, are the most
qualified to fight this war of Hashem. We are
standing off against an entire world full of
lust-glorification, but we are fighting for our
very own LIVES. And when Hashem sees that it is
a matter of life-and-death for us, he will step in
and give over the POWERFUL into the hands of the
WEAK.
As Dov once said: "I don't
care what 'lav'
suicide is. I don't want it for other reasons!"
When Hashem sees that
we want to stop - and help other Yidden stop
as well - because we recognize that continuing these
behaviors is suicide, then Hashem will step
in and make miracles for us! |
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Breaking News!
The First Live GYE Meeting / Kumzitz!
A member who calls himself "ImTrying"
on our forum, arranged for a live Kumzitz on
Chanukah for some of the other "brave" members of
our forum in Israel. We hope that this will be
the beginning of BIGGER things one day, be"h.
Connecting with others in the same boat as us, and
getting "out of isolation" are cornerstones of
recovery.
"Imtrying" hopes to arrange such a gathering at
least once a month, and we hope that it will grow
and grow. Perhaps the idea will spread to the U.S
too!
To find out info on the next live gathering,
contact
Imtrying or post on
this thread.
Since anonymity is vital to such gatherings, no one
will be allowed to join unless they have been
posting on the forum for a while and are recognized
by everyone to be sincere.
If anyone wants to pioneer such a group in the U.S,
in a place with a large Jewish community such as
Lakewood, Boro-Park, Monsey, Baltimore, etc...
please post the idea on the forum and see if you get
any bites!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Eye.nonymous" wrote us an e-mail after the
Kumzitz:
The kumzits was really inspiring. Also,
thanks for calling in. It really meant a lot to us.
As we sat around the
table singing together, about 7 of us, I got this
vision. You know how all these big Yeshivos today
started off about 20 years ago with a handful of
guys in a cheap one-room apartment?
I thought of this
little chevra, and that there would be more of them,
and more of them, and bigger and bigger,
worldwide! ... Groups of people joining together
in this fight against Tumah.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Imtrying" posted on the forum:
I would like to take this opportunity
to publicly thank all those who came to the
Kumzitz. It was really nice and couldn't of been
done without all of you. We hope in the future we'll
get even more members!
Special thanks to my Holy Brothers; Momo, sturggle,
Uri, Levite, eye.nonymous, and ilovehashem, who
joined us.
I would like to also thank our Holy Guard for
calling in and sharing such beautiful insights with
us, and for the GYE Rebbetzin (7Up) for calling in
as well. I think it meant so much to all of
us to really get to talk to - and hear from - those
who guide us here on GYE daily.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Momo" posted on the forum:
First,
a huge thank you to Imtrying for organizing it,
hosting it, and providing the food (along with the
extra special surprise cake!).
Next, a big thanks to
everyone who came. It was so nice to finally meet
Imtrying, Struggle, Eye.nonymous, Levite, and of course
URI!!!
Lastly, a big thanks
to Guard and 7Up who "attended" the party by phone.
For me, that was the highlight of the evening.
What did we do there?
We ate, drank, talked, took turns reading a chizuk
email together, and sang along with Uri and his
guitar!
Yasher kochachem, and I hope
we do it again every month.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"KollelGuy" posted:
One of the hardest things I will ever
have to accept, is that I chickened out of
going at the last minute, due to nothing other than
fear of showing my face.
I really wish I could rewind the clock and make
my way over there.
So when is the next Kumzitz? |
|
|
662. |
Monday ~ 4 Teves, 5770 ~ December 21, 2009 |
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
In Today's Issue
-
Q & A of the Day: "How do I get out of this rut?"
-
Daily Dose of Dov: "He found a way to get your
attention!"
-
Battle
Communication 1:
Appreciating our Ears
-
Battle Communication 2: The Opposite of Taivah is
Bitachon
-
Battle
Communication 3:
We Can Only Change Ourselves
-
Battle Communication 4: The Yetzer Hara is a Big
Liar
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q & A of the Day
"The joy of the challenge is gone.
How do I get out of
this rut?"
"B'ahava" asks on
the forum:
I am struggling with depression and I can't pinpoint
what's causing these feelings.
From an objective perspective, my life is just fine.
In fact, better than ever. I'm 70 days clean!
That was unimaginable for me for the past 8 years. I
feel like I've figured out how to beat my biggest
test. It's a big deal. I should feel proud.
But I'm not
fulfilled. I just don't get it.
Maybe it's davka because I feel that this
struggle is behind me. In the first 40 days, my
tefilah was different. My thoughts were
different. My life was dedicated to beating this
yetzer harah. It was my only priority.
I guess I liked
the challenge. I liked that I was finally seeing
success. I liked that I could see Hashem's hand
guide me through the struggle, by sending me this
website, and by sending me the right friends and
Rabbe'im.
But the joy of all
that is gone now. Somehow,
it no longer feels
like an accomplishment. It feels like an
expectation. It's turned into a 'been there,
done that' sort of feeling.
Learning can be so
good. But I haven't been to morning seder or
shacharit for 3 weeks. I know it would be great
if I'd go, but I just feel stuck in this rut.
Can any of you
identify with my feelings? How do you deal with it?
Love always,
B'ahava
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
We Responded:
Dear B'ahava, what you are feeling is very common.
For many years, we used the addiction helped us
"escape" from our real feelings. We stopped
"feeling" life, and for every "bump" in the road, we
had a solution. We would "medicate" ourselves with
our "drug" whenever things weren't going smooth, or
whenever we felt an inner discontent.
As we remove
the "drug", we start to feel again.
Now for many, the
beginning isn't so hard. Like you described, there
is a feeling of "triumph" over the addiction and a
new found happiness and purpose in life. But as time
goes on and we get used to being clean, we start to
really FEEL again. And this is not always a pleasant
experience.
That is where the
12-Steps come in. They help addicts learn how to
deal with real life once they start to really "feel"
once again. You may want to join
Duvid Chaim's anonymous phone conference .
May Hashem be with you!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Daily Dose of Dov
Dov is sober in SA for over 10 years. See his story
here.
He Found A Way to Get Your Attention!
Dov Responds to B'ahava's question above:
Dear B'ahava,
It's nice to be a
baby again, isn't it? I mean, we are all
babies here, just beginning on the path of sanity.
And to finally be more sane means that in some
respect I am finally beginning real avodas
Hashem (as a shoteh is patur because
his avoda is meaningless. A fruitcake can not do
a miztva ;-).
"Pischu li sha'arei
tzedek -
Hashem! Please! Open the gates for me! Even if I'm a
big Tzaddik already (Guard told us
we are), and a
ba'al teshuva already (he told us that, too) - I am
still a
baby just starting out and standing just
outside your
door, Tatty! I'm not even inside the front gate yet!
Let me in to
get started at being your real servant today!"
Zeh Hashar La'Hashem - this,
i.e. knowing we haven't even started, is the gate to
Hashem.
... and Dovid
Hamelech said that many times in many different ways
over his relatively short and relatively bitter
life, even knowing that he had ruach hakodesh,
etc., etc. He was always starting.
Don't just think it
- that doesn't work. Feel it for a minute.
Repeat the pesukim
of Hallel, if you think it'd help (I do). Look for
the same idea in other parts of davening, like
mizmor shir chanukas habayis l'dovid, etc.
Why? Dovid hamelech
answers: Zeh hasha'ar
laShem! This
is the attitude for success - Tzadikim yavo'u vo
- even great tzadikim (like us
;-) use it
over and over!! Humility is very useful.
As Golda Meir (oy vei)
said, "Don't be humble, you're not that great".
We have little to be "humble" about, because we have
even less to
be proud about.
Don't be fooled. I
cannot accept that Hashem brought you through this
problem just to get you out of it so you could just
move on from here as though nothing happened. He
could have protected you from getting into the
problem in the first place then, no?
Listen closely, my
sweet Yid: To quote Rav Noach Weinberg,"He
found a way to get your attention", probably
because he was missing you a whole lot. Just look at
the beautiful posts coming out of you here on this
forum! This IS your
trip, not just an accident He "saved" you from.
Hatzlocha!! |
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Battle
Communication
Appreciating Our Ears
"Lamed Vavnik" posted:
I went out with the family yesterday on a trip, and
my shmiras eynayim was greatly tested. I kept
my cool though-out, and I practiced closing my eyes
on the bus and appreciating my ears. It was actually
fun! I heard many more things with my eyes closed,
and it gave them a break from the nisyoinos.
Thank you Hashem for giving me eye-lids and for
giving me ears.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The
Opposite of Taivah is Bitachon
Another great post by
"Lamed Vavnik":
The Vilna Goan writes (in Even Sh'laymo)
that bitachon (Trust in Hashem) is the
opposite of taivah for physical pleasure.
Taivos are based on a drive to fill a physical
need that we feel we must have ... or we'll
die. We must have it NOW. We feel that we must
provide ourselves with it. WE feel that we
have to take care of ourselves because if we don't,
who will? Take it, steal it, etc... or you won't get
it. To battle taivah we need to trust in
Hashem. Trust teaches us the opposite.
Hashem provides. Hashem takes care of us. Hashem
gives us what we need. Let go and let G-d care for
you.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
We Can Only Change Ourselves
"BecomeHoly" posted
on the forum:
Do you tell Laticia walking down the street in her tank and
short shorts to "realize" what she's doing to you?
YOU CAN ONLY CHANGE YOURSELF! TRYING TO CHANGE
OTHERS ALWAYS BACKFIRES. We can only change others
by example. Perhaps they will make the changes to be
like us once they're ready. But meanwhile, we can
only work on ourselves. The Yetzer Hara wants us to
blame it on the environment.... "It's not my
fault... it's hers..." WRONG! I am responsible for
me. I can only change me. I can only
be a shining example to others.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The
Yetzer Hara is a Big Liar
"NOYA" (a 21 Year Old Bochur) rants on the forum:
Okay, I miss the lust. I want to act out. But what
will happen then? Once I do it, I'll feel
miserable about myself. I'll feel "out of it" for
days. I'll feel dejected and I won't be able to
concentrate on my davening and learning until I go
to the mikvah, and that's a long walk in the cold.
And even after that, I'll still feel out of
it for a while.
And how much pleasure
is it anyway? It's maybe a few minutes of fun and
games before you feel like a loser and an idiot.
Compare that to how I feel when I'm doing well;
learning with hasmada, davening well, etc...
Now THAT feels good for a long time!
And it's a much better feeling than lust (albeit
more subtle)... The Yetzer Hara augments the
true pleasure before it happens, telling you it
feels much better than it actually does. He's lying!
And come on man, there's something you gotta do for
G-d. Just like you can't eat Cheeseburgers and drive
on Shabbos, because those things destroy you
spiritually. That's just the way it is. If you want
to be able to function spiritually, you absolutely
cannot look at this trash and spill seed. If you do,
there will be a serious ''p'gam" in your
spiritual blueprint and you won't be a tenth of the
lamdan or chosid that you really could
become.
Okay, I don't want
the lust anymore. Thanks for listening! |
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Help us Help Others!
MosheW posted on the forum:
The other day I was listening to a Torah CD from a
very famous Admor in Israel (it was from a weekly chumash shiurthat over a hundred people attend each week). He
was talking about simchas ha'chaim and learning Torah. Out of the blue, he said that over the
past weeks he has been dealing with two people; one
a magid shiur and the other a mechaber of seforim,
and both have fallen victim to a Yetzer Hara called
"internet". He then when on to explain how they got
hooked. I guess people are starting to approached
Rabbonim about this issue more and more.
Rabbosai, Help us fight the great tests of today's
generation, which are seeping in to the very best of
our homes. Through your donation, many more
Yidden will be able to be helped.
Please
ask us
how to donate through PayPal.
To donate anonymously, please see
this page for details.
For larger amounts, we have a FULLY ANONYMOUS tax
deductible donating option.
Ask us How!
If you can't afford a donation, help GYE with your
old STUFF!
Click here for more information. |
|
|
663. |
Tuesday ~ 5 Teves, 5770 ~ December 22, 2009 |
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Announcement
Professional Clinical Therapy with:
Zeva
Citronenbaum LCSWR CSAT
Zeva's group begins new cycle in January.
Strictly confidential
Only $200 for 10 weeks.
Please fill out the applications on
this page.
Looking forward to an exciting new group.
For more info contact:
Mrs. Zeva Citronenbaum
Confidential Hotline: 845-222-0580
e-mail: acoachservice@yahoo.com
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Attitude Tip of the Day
"Need = Connection"
A number of great warriors have experienced falls in
recent days after long clean-streaks. "Holy Yid"
writes:
Tonight, less than one hour ago, I fell after 139 days clean.
I am very sad but trying not to beat myself up over
it. I grew a lot over the last 4 and half months,
and one thing that I feel now is that I won't go to
bed hating myself, only very sad.
I am proud that I can
admit to you all that I fell.
I will look at where
I should have been more cautious and make better
fences. I cut many corners over the last 4 months.
From now on -
1. Better filters
2. I thought I no
longer had to keep other rules I have about where
and when to use web. Now I see that I must be more
strict with myself.
3. I also did not
have any structure today. I have to be aware of how
dangerous such situations are.
Tonight I learned
where I am holding and I am working to accept it.
From now on, I will have be more cautious and
think much more like a recovering addict.
I really need to
review the handbooks.
The bottom line is,
that I am humbled by the force inside of me.
I love you all.
A response to Holy-Yid:
Dear very holy-Yid,
Like you expressed so
eloquently, one of the most meaningful things that
we can take out of a fall (particularly after
a long clean streak) besides for
brushing up on our defenses and strengthening our
barriers, is simply the humility that we get when we
realize that in
spite of
how well we were doing, we were able to fall -
just like that.
This humility renews our connection with Hashem. The
more we feel how much we NEED Hashem's constant
mercy and help each day, the more connected and
dependant we are on Him. And this kesher is so precious to Hashem, that sometimes He brings a
Tzadik to fall for that reason alone.
Similarly, we quoted Dov yesterday:
I cannot accept that Hashem brought
you through this problem just to get you out of it
so you could just move on from here as though
nothing happened. He could have protected you from
getting into the problem in the first place,
no? To quote Rav Noach Weinberg,"He found a
way to get your attention", probably because
he was missing you a whole lot. This IS your
trip, not just an accident He "saved" you from.
And that is perhaps why Hashem sometimes brings us to fall,
even when we are doing so well. Hashem gave us this
disease because He wanted our attention. And
maybe we start to get too complacent and
self-confident after a while, and we begin to lose
this precious kesher with Hashem... So He
starts missing us again and wants to get our
attention back - and BAM! - we fall and cry
out to Him for help once again. After doing so well,
we are shocked back into the reality of how
dependant we really are
on Him every moment. And this realization causes us
to need Him more, which causes us to
connect to Him on a deeper level.
And that is HUGE. |
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Story
of the Day
"I Have Changed My
Ways"
"Sci1977" tells his story for the first time:
After much soul searching and deep honesty,
I finally feel ready to share this story as I have a
little bit of sobriety under my belt (no pun
intended ;-)...
I was trying to write
out my story now for about a week, but I had a lot
of trouble doing so. I found myself repulsed by how
I had let myself get this way. Since I started
writing, all that keeps pouring into my mind is,
"How sick have I been?" and "what did I do to
my wife?" I question whether my wife can ever
forgive me, or if I can even forgive myself
fully. I hope that getting it all out will help in
healing me.
The beginning of my story is one of much shame. When
I was little, between the ages of 7 and 10, I was
molested almost every day by a close family member.
This caused me to never learn what true love meant.
I could only relate to "lust". When I was around 17,
I started to look at p**n and did that very
frequently. As I got older, it was something I would
do as a stress reliever.
I got married and had my first child, and all of a
sudden I felt stress related issues hit me like a
ton of bricks. I started looking more and more at
p**n. After being married for about a year, it
escalated from porn to prostitution. I acted out and
went to inappropriate places. I got hooked and I
couldn't get out. I battled with the fact that I was
cheating on my wife, however I couldn't stop.
About year ago, I struggled hard to kick the habit.
It didn't work. I then acted out even more;
more porn, more prostitution, etc...
It seems that Hashem had seen my efforts to stop
though, and He stepped in. Not long ago, my wife
found out and confronted me about it. That was my
real wake-up call. She was terribly angry and almost
left me right then and there. But when we started
talking again she said, "we will get through this
together and I will help you find help".
I ended my acting out and I have been clean now for
33 days since finding this website together with my
wife.
It is very hard to admit all that I have done, but
when you release everything about yourself to
others, it becomes clearer in your own mind. The
more you tell and the more honest you are with
yourself and with G-d, the more it helps.
I admit that I used to lust for women to make me
feel better. What I did not realize in all of this,
is that my sex life had never been about deeper
feelings like true love. Nothing was an "emotion",
as my emotion had been damaged by the molestation I
endured as a boy. I never thought about the other
person for real. She was just an "object" for a
physical act.
From now on, my actions must be more
then that. They need to actions of love, not just
lust. I need to have compassion, and most of all, my
heart needs to be in what I do.
I have changed my ways with the help of this
website. I have worked on the 12-steps and I am
reading
the Handbook very slowly and carefully. I pray
and talk to G-d a lot. I work on myself by learning
to LIVE, and by just realizing what is around me; my
wonderful family and all that surrounds me in life -
like taking an extra second just to look up at the
sky. I am also learning to feel G-d's embrace at all
times, especially when things go well, like when I
make a good business deal.
Today I am living with the knowledge that I am
clean, and without the constant feeling that I am
destroying my mind and soul. I was given a "wake-up
call" by G-d and I need to use it in the right
fashion.
I am thinking
positive and living every second. I'm working hard
on letting G-d take control over everything, and
when I make a decision I ask myself, "is this
something that G-d would approve of?" My heart -
and all of me - feels so much better.
I look back now and feel very degraded that I once
had to do all those things to feel good. I should
have just stayed at home and not looked elsewhere,
but I can't do anything about the past. I can only
move forward and pray that with G-d's help,
everything will turn out OK with me and my marriage.
I am living life to
its utmost now. I put my life in G-d's hands and try
to focus on that which is good and decent about me.
With G-d's help, I
WILL WIN THE BATTLES AND THE WAR!! |
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
12-Step Attitude
The Power of Live
Groups
"Elya K" (moderator of the
hotline and
phone group) posted:
About 70 years ago, a doctor and a drunk went to the
famous Carl Jung and asked him what it would take to
get rid of the guilt and shame, the stigma and the
hopelessness from drinking too much alcohol, raging
and then feeling bad about it later.
Carl Jung answered:
"let people get together in a group and tell
their stories and when they are finished telling
their stories, do not criticize or give advice -
just accept that person for who they are."
We are all in this
together. The proven way to get better and heal is
to literally speak the shame and guilt out of your
mouth and out of your body, similar to what
we do on Yom Kippur at Viduy time. It is difficult
to admit your faults and falls in public, AND THAT
IS EXACTLY WHY WE MUST DO IT. We co-dependent,
addictive, compulsive, lonely souls must learn to
fill up the gaping holes in our souls with honesty
instead of with acting out in our disease (dis-ease).
What we hold in our
bodies and our minds grows more powerful, like
le'havdil a cancer, chas v'sholom, and
the more power we give it and let it grow the more
it affects us negatively.. Rigorous honesty is
the key.
The power of the
'group concept' cannot be overstated. Isolation and
loneliness are our worst enemies and our addiction's
most treasured friend. The addiction reminds us
constantly that our isolation will shield us from
having to be honest with ourselves and others. And
this is the power it has over us, until we kill the
obsession by talking about it.... about our
feelings... about our loneliness.... and yes, about
the details of our acting out. Not in vague
generalities like, "I did that m-word-thing"
but actually saying it and getting it out. Not
necessarily just on
the forum, but also in person. |
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Help us Help Others!
"On the Road" posted on
the forum:
There was a recent scandal which has rocked
the frum community involving the issues we are
working on here on GYE. I though to myself that the
Rav involved could have been me, and it
scared the heck out of me.
G-d knows I am trying very hard to
get out of this. I recently got a job (that is not
very bekavodik, but it will help me put food on the
table and keep me away from the computer for a few
hours a day. I think that just being out and doing
work outside of a computer terminal is going to be
helpful for me. Thanks GYE family!
Rabbosai, Help us fight the great tests of today's
generation, which are seeping in to the very best of
our homes. Through your donation, many more
Yidden will be able to be helped.
Please
ask us
how to donate through PayPal.
To donate anonymously, please see
this page for details.
For larger amounts, we have a FULLY ANONYMOUS tax
deductible donating option.
Ask us How!
If you can't afford a donation, help GYE with your
old STUFF!
Click here for more information. |
|
|
664. |
Wednesday ~ 6 Teves, 5770 ~ December 23, 2009 |
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
In Today's Issue
-
Correspondence with Rabbi Twerski
-
Article of the Day: The Cancer of the Internet
- By Rabbi Twerski
-
Daily Dose of Dov 1: The Big Book
-
Daily Dose of Dov 2: "I've had enough for a
life-time!"
-
Testimonial of the Day: A Community Just Like Me
-
Announcement: Zeva Starting New Group
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Correspondence with Rabbi Twerski
We wrote an e-mail to Rabbi Twerski
yesterday:
Dear Rabbi Twerski,
Here's a PDF file called "The
GYE Lighthouse" (right-click and press "Save
Target/Link As"). It has a link to a short audio
clip from a speech that the Rav recently gave (on
Chanukah). It also documents a few of the many cries
for help that we are getting from the best
and brightest of
our community... There's even a letter inside from a
Rebbe of children ages 11-14 (!) who claims
that many of these kids are addicted to this stuff
and don't even know it's wrong!
I wanted to ask that when the Rav speaks
about this issue in public gatherings and forums, if
the Rav could please mention our work at
GuardYourEyes.org?
There is nothing out there like what
we have going on today at GYE. We have currently 4
different 12-Step phone conferences (all anonymous),
we have over 1,100 members on our two different
daily Chizuk e-mail lists, we have two websites,
hundreds of tips and stories, a thriving forum with
hundreds of members, tons of FAQ and Q&A pages, and
lots of great guidance and correspondence from the
Rav... We also have handbooks set up, with step by
step information and guidance on how to beat this
addiction in all it's many different stages.
We are B"H getting in testimonials every
single day of people whose lives have been changed
around completely through our network.
Thanks so much for everything!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Rabbi Twerski Responded:
I recommend GYE at every opportunity I get. I can't
put it in Hamodia because they are not permitted to
acknowledge that internet even exists.
I'm sending you here (below) an article that was in
Hamodia. I don't know if you want to use it.
Twerski
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Article of the Day
The Cancer of Internet
By Rabbi Twerski
Not a week goes by that I don't get several calls
about new casualties to the internet. Some people
call in desperation about themselves, feeling
trapped into a habit from which they have
unsuccessfully tried to extricate themselves.
Others, equally desperate, call about a family
member. There is no immunity. People would be
shocked to know the caliber of the people who have
fallen prey to this problem.
While restricting access to the internet would
appear to be a logical solution, it is simply not
realistic. The use of internet, even just for
business needs, is widespread. Filters can be
effective to prevent accidental exposure to improper
scenes, and can be helpful for people who sincerely
want to stop. But the Satan has become overpowering
and is claiming victims, destroying spiritual lives,
marriages and families.
A man recently told me that he is traveling to a
city 600 miles distant by car. Why? Because he is in
contact with his infant grandchildren and is afraid
of exposure to a carrier of the swine flu virus at
the airport or on a plane. The awareness of the
gravity of the problem and the possible consequences
warrant his driving ten hours! This man has no false
illusions about immunity. Even if we are secure
about ourselves, we should be seriously concerned
about our children. The technology is advancing
every day. There is no safe place to hide out.
What can we do? One phrase comes to mind, that of
Avraham Avinu to Avimelech, "There is just no fear
of G-d in this place" (Bereishis 20:11). Whatever
else one may do, if there is no yiras shamayim,
everything is possible, even the most immoral
behavior.
But don't we have strong yiras shamayim? B"H,
we have wonderful yeshivos and seminaries. We have
glatt kosher meat, chalav yisrael,
pas Yisrael and kemach
yashan. But listen to the Talmud. When Raban
Yohanan ben Zakai was in his last days, his
talmidim asked for his beracha. He said,
"May your fear of Hashem be as great as your fear of
people." His talmidim were shocked. "Is that
what you think of us?" Raban Yohanan said, "Halevai
you would achieve that! When a person does an
aveira he is concerned that no person should see
him. It does not bother him that Hashem sees him" (Berachos
25b).
Just think of it! The talmidim of Raban
Yohanan ben Zakai! People whose greatness in Torah
and kedusha is beyond what we can imagine,
yet he felt that they might be lacking in yiras
shamayim. How can we say about ourselves that we
have adequate yiras shamayim? Remember what
Chovas Halevavos says, "You may be asleep,
but the yetzer hara is awake." Awake and
unrelenting.
What can we do to increase yiras shamayim?
Rashi provides the answer." To observe those mitzvos
that we tend to trample on" (Devarim 7:12). B"H, we
do not trample on kashrus,on Shabbos, or on
chametz on Pesach, but unfortunately, we may
trample on middos: kaas, lashon hara, kinah,
sinah, ga'ava, shekker. We should keep before us
the words of Rebbe Chaim Vital, that we should take
even greater precaution with middos than we
do with aveiros! Middos is the key to
yiras shamayim. Middos gives the
person a sense of kedusha and dignity that he
would not allow himself to soiled with the tumah
of the internet.
Let us be honest with ourselves. Do we sometimes
lose our temper? The Talmud says that this is
equivalent to avodah zara. Do we sometimes
listen to or speak lashon hara, which is
equivalent to the three cardinal sins of avodah
zara, shefichas damim and ariyos? Do we
sometimes deviate from the truth? No amount of
chumros can be considered yiras shamayim
if we are not meticulously careful about middos.
It is easy to buy kosher food. It is not easy
to become master of our middos. It may be the
most difficult challenge of our lives. But think of
the person who will drive ten hours for fear that he
may be exposed to the swine flu virus and how
disastrous this can be to his grandchildren. If our
homes do not become fortresses of true yiras
shamayim, our children are at risk of being
infected by the virus of the internet. Remember the
words of Avraham Avinu "There is just no fear of G-d
in this place." Without true yiras shamayim
nothing else will work. |
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Daily
Dose of Dov
Dov is sober in SA for over 10 years. His story can
be found
here.
The Big Book
Holy Jews,
Please consider getting hold of a copy of
"Alcoholics Anonymous" and reading it, especially
chapters 2 and 3. Just substitute the word "Lust" in
place of "alcohol". You can
download it here for free, but I like holding a
good old-fashioned book in
my hands.... (what a weirdo!)
If you actually read
what it has to say and like it, then
I'd suggest looking at the last two pages of "Step
Two" in the other main AA text called "The 12
Steps and 12 Traditions" (download
that here). It talks there about religious folks
like us who nevertheless are in this crazy mess.
Hatzlocha Rabba!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"I've Had Enough for a Lifetime"
Dov writes:
I have not knowingly lusted today and b"H have not
acted out in a while, but when I share in meetings I
still say
things like "when I act out, I... blah, blah,
blah... but b"H I don't need to do that today",
because I believe that the day I start saying stuff
like, "way back when I used to act
out, I would...blah, blah, blah", I'll start to think I am now cured and can now control lust
and "use it like a gentleman", as AA puts it quite
humorously (regarding drinking).
No thanks! As Rav Noach Weinberg, zt"l liked to say,
"Fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me!"
I've had enough for a lifetime. |
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Testimonial of the Day
A Community Just Like Me
"KollelGuy" posted on the forum:
I came on this site looking for help, half expecting
either "yeshivishe raid" which won't have the
slightest effect on my life, or mystical
hallucinations about how you need to balance all the
energetic forces within you - using love for nature.
Instead, what I found was a whole community of frum
Jews JUST LIKE ME, who share the same difficulties
and frustrations as I do, and who also seek to free
themselves of the self-destructive habit they find
themselves caught in, and who all help and support
each other in truth, and with wisdom - usually from
experience.
It's an amazing thing, and I'm just beginning to
realize how it's changing my life in more than just
one way. |
|
|
665. |
Thursday ~ 7 Teves, 5770 ~ December 24, 2009 |
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
In Today's Issue
-
Daily Dose of Dov: Reconnecting to Reality
-
Sayings of the Day: Some Great 12-Step Slogans
-
Quote of the Day: By "RATM"
-
Personal Victory of the Day:
"I don't have to"
-
Q&A of the Day: Do the 12-Steps Have Christian
ideas?
-
Link of the Day: Setting Limits
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Daily
Dose of Dov
Dov is sober in SA for over 10 years. His story can
be found
here.
Reconnecting to Reality
Dov wrote to someone who felt that they were about to fall
after having had to sit next to a triggering woman
on a flight and having also seen triggering videos
on the plane against their will...
Just last week I was on the way home
on a bus and had a similar experience. It was a good
thing I called a few folks including an addict who I
used to sponsor, my wife (who thinks she sponsors me
sometimes), and just a friend out of the blue - all
just to reconnect with reality. Cuz my body's
reality is that the women of the world would all
'attack me' if only nobody was watching. (What a
nuuuuutttt!!!!!!!!!) And there will always be
a cadre of 'hotties' out there for more of my
home-grown BS to grow a farm on. That kind of BS, we
have all had enough of, hopefully....
But, that's my pickle. My body goes right there.
I mean pek'le.....whatever.
Hang in there, brother. |
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Sayings of the Day
Some Great 12-Step Slogans
Posted by "Eye.nonymous" on the forum from
this website:
I
can't, He can, I think I'll let Him (Steps 1,2,3).
Sobriety is a journey, not a destination.
Live in the NOW.
If God seems far
away, who moved?
Nothing is so bad,
that a little lusting won't make it worse.
We are only as sick
as our secrets.
Be part of the
solution, not the problem.
I can't handle it
God; you take over. |
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Quote
of the Day
After almost 4 months clean, "RATM" posted to
someone on the forum:
As an addict, I fear my mind still wants to act-out
with anything that's not buried in the ground... I
can't hang around my head much, you see, because it
is diseased... I need to be outside my head as much
as possible, and to try to get into God's "head" so
to speak... And trust me, there's a lot of good life
out there to be had... |
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Personal Victory of the Day
"I don't have to"
"SilentBattle" posted on the forum:
I got on the bus today, and it was like a sudden
epiphany of freedom - I realized that "hey, I don't have to look around and see which girls are pretty!"
I hope it lasts...
I think the interesting thing was that it actually
came to me as a kind of, "huh... y'know, I really
don't have to do this." Kinda like realizing that
there was this chore that I has scheduled every day,
that I suddenly realized was optional all
along.
"You mean I don't have
to take out the garbage?" Cool, I can deal with
that... |
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q & A
of the Day
Do the 12-Steps have Christian Ideas?
At the Agudah Convention in New York, 2009,
Rabbi Twerski endorsed the idea of 12 step
programs, saying "they work" and denying that they
need to have a Christian component. Each of the
steps they entail, he said, "is in Chazal." Rabbi
Twerski also put out a book called
"Self Improvement? I'm Jewish" which shows how
the 12-Steps can all be found in Chazal. For more
from Rabbi Twerski on the 12-Steps vs. Chazal, see
this page of correspondence that we had with him
on this issue.
There's also a great article called "Addiction
& Recovery Through Jewish Eyes" by Carol
Glass, which compares the 12-Step program to the
Teshuvah Templates of the Rambam and
Rabbeinu Yona, finding remarkable similarities.
(Right-Click the link and press "Save Target/Link
As" to save the PDF article to your computer).
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Link
of the Day
Setting Limits
This
website/blog is intended to be a resource for those who wish to manage
their internet browsing (surfing) behavior. On
this page,
there are a few interesting ideas on how to limit
our time on the computer. This can be helpful in
battling internet addiction, where the "bad stuff"
often happens because we simply can't break away
from the computer when we know we should. |
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Battle Communications
"BeHoly" rants on the forum:
I read "Garden
of Emunah" over Shabbos... it really makes
everything so simple. We need to plain-and-simply
connect to God. Fulfilling my selfish desires is
against Emuna, because it means I feel that "I
need to do this now or else I'll be
_______". So instead of "let go & let god", I am
doing the opposite every time I give in.
I need to refocus. Everything I do needs be with
God's help. I need to focus on the fact that God
is providing. Right now, God will help me finish
this post. EVERYTHING. If I'm constantly thinking
about God, I won't have time for other things...
I'm in the process of
setting up a
Gvoice# so I will have an anonymous telephone
number to use with a sponsor / partner soon.
I read something
today which I believe can be applied to us (from
sefer Chofetz Chaim):
"The quality of shmiras haloshon should
be attained gradually. The first step is to accustom
oneself to avoid groups involved in idle
conversation and to train oneself not to inquire
about the latest gossip. One should train himself,
little by little, until he reaches the point where
he does not even want to be informed of any gossip.
With the passage of time, Hashem will help him so
that shmiras haloshon will become a part of his very
nature. He will find it incredible that others can transgress
the sin of speaking loshon hora, which to him has
become something repulsive, like anything else which
the Torah prohibits."
It's like imagining someone would eat cockroaches. I
gag just thinking about it. (Not about the person.
But about the action). And I also wonder why in the
world people would subject themselves to that.
They're obviously not well.... which means I can
treat them like sick people.... I want to be
repulsed by the sin... |
|
|
666. |
The number 6 represents "Yesod". Imagine the power
of Triple 6! :-)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Friday ~ 8 Teves, 5770 ~ December 25, 2009
Erev Shabbos Parshas Vayigash |
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
In Today's Issue
-
Parsha Thought 1: "And he cried on his shoulders
more"
-
Parsha Thought 2: BE HAPPY, DO TESHUVAH
-
Tip of the Day: Dealing with Bad Thoughts &
Fantasies
-
Sayings of the Day: Great Slogans from AA
-
Testimonial of the Day:
G-d is Behind it All
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Parsha
Thought 1
"And he cried on his shoulders more"
B'ahava had a fall after being clean for 74 days. He
was terribly pained - and for the first time in
his life, he found himself crying over it...
Today (a few days later), he posted this beautiful
vort on the Parsha:
I heard something nice from the
Ktav Sofer that explains some of my behavior
after my fall this week.
When Yaakov goes down
to Egypt and finally sees Yosef, it says "va'yevch
al tzavarav od," that Yosef cried on Yaakov's
neck. Rashi explains that the word 'od' means
that he cried more than the regular amount.
The Ktav Sofer
explains that Yosef cried double, for 2 reasons. The
first being the obvious and natural cry of joy, for
reuniting with his father after all those years. The
second though, was a cry of sadness, for all the
years that he missed the guidance of his father.
But why was he crying
over the missed years now? That part his life
was done with! If anything, he should have cried
davka when Yaakov was NOT there!
The Ktav Sofer
answers that only when Yosef saw Yaakov again could
he really understand what he missed out on
all those years. You see, all the years of
separation made Yosef forget about how much he would
have gained from his father. He had become numb,
unable to understand the greatness of Yaakov. Only
now, when Yosef once again realized what was lacking
in his life, could he cry.
Similarly, the Jewish
people will shed tears of sadness with the coming of
Moshiach. "Im lo a'aleh et Yerushalayim al rosh
simchati" - The "rosh simcha" of the
coming of the Moshiach is when we will fully
understand how terrible the galus has been,
and how much we were lacking by not
having Yerushalayim.
This hit home for me
because I cried over a sin for the first time in my
life after my fall this week. I've always felt
terrible about my falls, and it always bothered me
why I couldn't cry.
Based on this Ktav
Sofer, I see that over the past 8 years the
Yetzer Harah had me in his clutches, and he
made me numb to the feeling of kedusha
and tahara. I had forgotten what it meant to
live a life of purity.
Thank God, I was zocheh to 74
days of cleanliness. And
the feelings came back. |
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Parsha
Thought 2
"BE HAPPY, DO TESHUVAH"
By "Bardichev"
(in his indelible style and CAPS-LOCK)
IN THIS WEEK'S PARSHA - VAYIGASH, AFTER YOSEF REVEALED HIMSELF
TO HIS BROTHERS, THEY WERE SO ASHAMED OF THEMSELVES
THAT THEY TRIED TO HIDE FROM HIM.
YOSEF HATZADIK PULLED THEM CLOSE AND TELLS HIS BROTHERS:
"VA'ATTA AL TIE'ATZVU
- AND NOW, DON'T BE SAD".
SAYS THE HELIGER RADOMSKER REBBE ZT"L
IN HIS CLASSIC SEFER TIFERS SHLOMO (IF YOU
DON'T OWN ONE, BUY IT):
VA'ATTA
IS A LASHON OF TESHUVA
VI'ATTA,
WHEN YOU DO TESHUVAH, DO IT BESIMCHA!!!!
AL TEI-ATZVU,
DON'T GET DEPRESSED!!!
WHEN WE DO TESHUVAH,
WE ARE TURNING OUR BACK ON OUR OLD WAYS.
THE YETZER HARA
FREAKS OUT.
WHAT'S THE LAST AMMO
IN HIS ARSENAL??
THAT'S RIGHT, THE
"D" BOMB.
"DEPRESSION".
HE HITS YOU BETWEEN
THE EYES AND SAYS:
"UCHHH!! YOU
VERMIN! YOU SINNED! HASHEM WILL NEVER, EVER ACCEPT
YOUR TESHUVAH!!"
HE CAN TURN YOUR VERY
OWN TESHUVAH JOURNEY INTO A DIVING BOARD RIGHT BACK
INTO THE SEWER.
SO INSTEAD, WHEN WE
DO TESHUVAH, WE SING, WE DANCE, WE SMILE, WE DRINK
L'CHAIM!
YES, WE ARE HAPPY.
BUT WHAT OF THE OLD
STUFF; THE BAGGAGE, THE SEWAGE, THE TAINTED MIND,
ETC??
GOOD QUESTION, BUT
HERE IS THE SECRET:
VI'ATTA!!!
THE "V" BOMB!!!
VI'ATTA
= NOW.
WHAT WAS, WAS.
FROM HERE AND ON!!
KEEP ON TRUCKIN!!!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
For the same idea, listen to
this great 5 minute clip
from a shiur by Rabbi Shafier (www.theshmuz.com). To
hear the whole shiur, click
here. |
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Tip of
the Day
Dealing with Bad Thoughts & Fantasies
"YishuvHadas" came onto the forum asking how to deal with
sexual fantasies... We sent him
this link, which contains many great
ideas on dealing with inappropriate thoughts. He
responded:
Thank you for that link. There were many useful ideas and
techniques there. Ideas for how to positively react
and deal with the thoughts, and practical techniques
for managing them. I like the idea of "welcoming
them" rather than fighting the losing battle of
actively trying to reject them.
I saw an interesting
Maharsha yesterday that I think is also very useful
on this topic. On daf 10b of Makkos, there is the
famous statement: "B'derech sh'adam rotze lelech,
molichim osso - the way that a person wants to
go, he will be lead". It is usually understood that
Hashem will lead the person in the way that that the
person wants to go - for better or for worse. The
Maharsha points out that "malochim" is plural
and literally means "they" will lead him. Who are
"they"? Also, it bothered me that Hashem would lead
the person in possibly a bad direction. Why would
Hashem do that? The Maharsha suggests that the
"they" are actually malachim (angels). For
every thought, word and action taken, a person
creates a malach. For good thoughts, etc. a
good malach is created. For bad thoughts,
etc. a bad malach is created. Therefore, the
person, by creating these malachim (angels)
is actually causing himself to be directed.
The
GYE Handbook and
Attitude Handbook talk about the neuron pathways
that our behavior creates. These pathways may be the
malachim that our behavior creates. The GYE
community, by joining and working together, is
certainly assisting everyone to create numerous good
malachim to counter the bad malachim
that we have created in the past, which is something
that most people could not do on their own.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"KollelGuy" writes some practical tips on dealing
with fantasies:
I heard from the pele yoetz that anybody who
desires that a bad thought should never enter his
mind, "Eino ela taavoh" (this in itself is
nothing but desire). Why? Either because he wants to
be on such a high level that he doesn't have to deal
with these things at all, or because he knows he
will have to remove it, and that is not enjoyable
and can be frustrating.
Some practical advice I can offer, is to make times
during the day, say between 2pm - 4pm, and during
that time every day - to be strong and not allow
yourself any leeway to slip and
intentionally daydream about these things. And if
they pop in, then GENTLY let the thoughts out of
your head.
Gradually, you can move the hours up along with your
success, until you got the whole day in there :-) |
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Sayings of the Day
Some 12-Step Slogans
Posted by "Eye.nonymous" on the forum from
this website
Read them slowly, they contain great truths!
Willingness is the
key.
No pain, no gain.
Just for today.
Decisions aren't
forever.
Before you say I
can't, say I'll try.
Don't quit before
the miracle happens.
We're all here
because we're not all there.
Practice an
attitude of gratitude.
The road to
sobriety is a simple journey for confused people
with a complicated disease.
Have a good day,
unless of course you have made other plans. |
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Testimonial of the Day
G-d is Behind it All
"Sci1977" posted in his log on the forum:
Day 35. I am very pleased to report that my wife and
I are making progress, and our marriage is getting
stronger. I am feeling good and strong, no slips or
falls and needed or wanted. I've worked hard over
the past 35 days to have a strong will and great
attitude. Now, acting this way is starting to become
a real inner change.
I was looking at the blank Google homepage yesterday
and it hit me that the same page that would have
lead me to all the bad places - leads me to GYE! But
then I realized that G-d is the one
that helps me to GYE everyday. I can say that I have
strong-will or say that my attitude is great - and
it is, but the real
reason I come here is G-d. I left this all to G-d,
and I am truly blessed that I am lead here everyday.
He must have done something to my wife as well,
because she is beside me more and more each day. She
read my story (Chizuk e-mail #663) and
my entire thread, and afterwards, I was not sure
how she would react, but she was fine and told me
that she was proud of me. That felt amazing.
I WILL WIN THE
BATTLES AND THE WARS - WITH G-D'S HELP!! |
|
|
667. |
Sunday ~ 10 Teves, 5770 ~ December 27, 2009 |
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Daily
Dose of Dov
Dov is sober in SA for over 10 years. See his story
here.
Dov's Story - and the Deep Lessons He Learned
This is a long piece by Dov, but well worth
reading. If it's easier, print it out and read at
your leisure.
(See the bottom for a short summary of the main
Yesodos that I understood from Dov's words)
The issue of "addiction" vs. "Yetzer Hara, Aveiros
and Teshuvah" has been discussed many times
before on GYE, with me as a participant, too.
I love these
issues, as they touch on the core of recovery for me
and what it has done for my life, my wife's life,
and the lives of my children.
I am absolutely
convinced that if I had not surrendered to the
facts about myself, I'd have continued down the
exact same useless and deadly path I was on, for yet
another 20 years or so, until I'd have died from it.
And on the way, the lives of my wife and children
would have been irrevocably damaged. That would mean
another few generations of severe pain and chilul
Hashem, too.
I became frum
over the years of my adolescence, as do many. My
parents are not what you'd call "really frum", but are traditional.
Nonetheless, I chose to learn in a post high school
yeshiva in Eretz Yisroel and continued after that in
an unpaid kollel arrangement for about 3 more years
after getting married, then went to school and am
now working in a profession, learning (Torah) quite
a bit on the side b"H, and helping raise a family.
That is what you'd
have seen, had you seen me as a neighbor, in shul,
yeshiva, etc. My wife knew me pretty much as that
guy, too.
The truth was, that I
was busy trying to get in as much lusting and acting
out as I could - to remain comfortable, while
doing all those "real life" things. Not that I was
really seeing it
that way. My attitude
was that I was preoccupied with trying
to stop!! Ha.
My inner
preoccupation was not about tosfos, RMB"N,
loving my wife and kids better, kiruv and
doing for klal yisroel, or making a nachas
ruach for my very Best Friend (Hashem, of
course), at all. My struggle was in finally
beating this damn yetzer hora that was
torturing me. I was reading mussar seforim to
try and overcome it, and I would cry in the shower
after acting out almost every time. And my acting
out drove me extra crazy,
knowing in my heart that I'd never honestly be
able to expect the non-frum yidden I was trying to
be mekarev to give up their cheeseburgers,
girls, and other "freedoms", as long as I was still
using my favorite diversion, pleasure pill and
stimulant, lust. I just
couldn't seem to stop, and I knew that it made me a hypocrite.
I was inescapably a hypocrite.
I read the Yesod
Yosef that the kitzur suggests to use to
stop from doing lust activities, searched many
library stacks for articles in frum psychology
journals on the yetzer hora and such,
memorized much of messilas yeshorim, fasted
occasionally, and cried in davening, especially in
Eretz Yisroel while davening at kivrei tzadikim.
I was into d'veikus (not just the album...)
and expected to be close to Hashem, yet I felt
confused and frustrated that I was continually
"falling," as folks like to say it here.
I spoke to Rav Mendel
Weinbach, The Steipeler, and other great people, my
Rebbis in yeshiva, a few Rabonim in my town, went to
a few shrinks under the pretense of "having marriage
problems" (I had to hide behind the marriage issue
to get my wife to be OK with me going to a shrink).
Needless to say, by the time I was done trying to
secretly do teshuva, I had a whole double
life. I was a "normalish" frum guy on the outside,
but a tortured yid on the inside.
To make matters
worse, I viewed the lust problems I had - and the
"teshuva" from them - as "the struggle of my
life"; "My secret mission." At times, it placed me
in a category above others, for I was "working on
big things". I - as I see many do here on GYE -
romanticized the struggle with the Yetzer Hara, as
though it were some epic battle of good vs. evil
that I alone could wage for the honor of Hashem.
Some people go as far as to view whether they
succeed or fail as something that will bring
Moshiach - or delay his arrival, c"v.
If my attitude upsets
you at this point, please at least give me a chance
to explain. I understand that it does not sound like
what most of us are told in yeshiva and
s'forim:
I never got better
until I saw that the extent and quality of my acting
out was indeed, ill. The frum approach that I
was familiar with was not working, and I could see
that. The reason it wasn't working was not because I
wasn't trying hard enough, but rather because there
was something wrong with my approach.
After all, Hashem's Torah is perfect!
And something was wrong
with me. Not being absolutely sure what it was, I
went to a shrink and laid out my entire acting out
history, mind games, inner tortured life, etc. to
the very last detail, and she suggested I go to a
12-step fellowship called SA.
I came to SA the next
week and discovered that I was in a room filled with
other people who were stuck in a pattern of using
sex and lust in a way that was destroying their
lives - and in spite of it destroying
their lives, but many of them finally got out of it
and stayed out of it. In other words, they
were sexually perverted, but found a way to live
differently.
A) I
discovered that as long as I looked at myself as
separate from the acting out, meaning: "I am a
regular, healthy guy on the whole, but sadly have
this terrible habit" - I'd never get
better.
[Dov is saying that it is not just
a habit, it is a reflection of who we have
become; i.e. we are 'ill']
B) By the same
token, I discovered that as long as I remained
absolutely disgusted with
myself - which I was (and
I was sure there was a whole litany of secrets I'd
quietly take to the grave with me) - I'd also
never get better.
[We are not 'bad' people who need to become 'good', but
simply 'ill' people who need to get 'better']
C) I
discovered that whether or not the process qualified
as "Teshuva", is something that I need to
leave up to Hashem, for a change. Thinking into
these types of things has always been just another
way for me to feel a sense of control over my "madreiga".
Now, Hashem gifts me with what you may call "madreigos",
if He wishes to. I am getting better on His
schedule, not mine. My business is doing His will
for me today to the best of my ability, period.
I have no interest in
being a big Tzaddik one day. Neither do I think
about never acting out again! Thinking about
"getting free of it, or never doing it again" was
always poison for me. I live one day at a time.
"Asher anochi
metzav'cho hayom" - only hayom.
I believe that "now" is all that He wants from me.
Really.
I don't ask Hashem -
tempting as it is - for sobriety this week, or year,
etc. I ask Him for today only.
You see, the lusting
and acting out struggle was so intertwined in my
development as a frum yid, that I believe it twisted
my idea of Hashem, punishments, right and wrong,
Teshuva, you name it. For if those things were
not all
screwed up, I ask you: How could I have ended up so
messed up?
"Shlach al Hashem
y'hovecha" and I send this entire pekk'el of
"frumkeit/teshuvah/yetzer hora winning and
losing" stuff onto Hashem. For I see that that was
the pekk'el that was weighing me down all along.
The Dubno Magid has a
beautiful moshol about packages. He teaches
that avodas Hashem - if done right - is a relatively
light package. After all: I'm doing what makes my
Tatty so happy! What could be more natural and
simple? Not easy but simple.
This was the opposite
of my way back then. I dare not go back.
So, in acting out,
either I am sick or a rasha -
you choose. I pick sick. I did and I got better.
Was it my Yetzer
Hara all along? Maybe. My beef is just that all
the thinking and cheshb'ning of the "aveiro
approach"
got me
sicker and kept me
sicker.
Am I running away
from the truth?
My answer is: No.
But, what difference
does it make anyway?
Am I serving Hashem now?
Yes.
Was I then? Not
really.
I believe that I was
really serving lust. I depended on it (kind of like
bitachon), it took up my entire mind so often
(like ahavas Hashem is supposed to), I did it
in private (like my relationship with Hashem is
supposed to be), and I protected my access to it by keeping it
safe and secret - because even though I hated myself so
much for
it, I desperately feared losing it. Just try to force any
addict to quit and see how long it takes him to feel
absolutely desperate - after the bravado of "sure I
can go without it" is over and done with...
I see little
difference between being preoccupied with fighting lust,
and lusting.
For me, they inexorably lead to the same thing.
My job in recovery
(after working my steps) is to focus on Hashem and
being useful to Him. Anything else is a distraction,
including lust/acting out. That's all. And I
can't get distracted by lust, of all things, because
if I do I won't be able to control it. So I can't
struggle with lust any more than I can use it.
Recovery, in my
experience so far, is about a different focus that
the one I used to espouse. And that is why the "Yetzer
Hara model" is useless to
me and many other frum addicts who are sober today.
If saying such things
is an aveiro, (to paraphrase Reb Chayim of
Brisk) "I'd like to see the gehinom for it."
A disclaimer:
There may be plenty of folks who are really not preoccupied
with lust (or the struggle with it - same thing),
who's lives are not being
controlled by it, and who just act out occasionally
and see no progression of their problem nor any
powerlessness.
For these people, the
normal Teshuva derech may be wonderful! The
only question I'd ask them is why it has gone on for
so long - if it has. I also wonder what poison the
secrecy is putting into their relationships -
especially the most important and far-reaching of
all human relationships: their marriage. Funny, how
that one relationship
is sexual, and sexuality vs. lust is just where
their problem lies... For after all, lust is not
sexuality at
all.
We need to be honest
with ourselves, above all, for "v'yad kol odom bo,"
as it we say in Unesaneh Tokef - there is no
way to run from the truth about ourselves, in the
end.
Hatzlocha with
everything. If I offended at all, you have my
sincere apologies. I love you without any question.
Hashem will take care of you as He takes care of all
of us.
- Dov
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Some lessons we can take out of this phenomenal piece from
Dov:
We need to face the facts about ourselves
before we can begin to heal. For a real addict, lust
is no longer an "epic struggle" with the Yetzer
Hara. It is a disease. We need to accept
that we are not 'bad' people who need to become
'good', but we are 'ill' and need to
get 'better'. And our illness does not allow us to
deal with lust at all, because we
can't control it. Therefore, lust must not be
treated as a "romantic struggle", but simply as a
"distraction"; as it distracts us from being useful
to Hashem. Our focus needs to be only on doing
Hashem's will for us today, and
not on "beating lust" (even for Hashem's Honor).
Because if an addict focuses on beating
it, he'll often just be pulled back into it. We need
to leave the entire "Yetzer Hara struggle"
and "Teshuvah issue" to Hashem. It's His
business, not ours. We need to focus only on
doing His will for us today, to the best of
our ability. |
|
|
668. |
Monday ~ 11 Teves, 5770 ~ December 28, 2009 |
|
In Today's Issue
-
Daily Dose of Dov - and Rabbi Twerski's Response:
Wrestling with the Mud
-
Attitude Tip of the Day:
Fell Shmell
-
Quote of the Day:
"I don't want to be a slave"
-
Links of the Day:
The Top Ten - and another great clip from Aish
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Daily
Dose of Dov - & Rabbi Twerski's Response
Dov is sober in SA for over 10 years. See his story
here.
Wrestling With the Mud
An excerpt
from yesterday's Chizuk e-mail (#667) called
"Dov's Story - and the Deep Lessons he learned"...
Dov wrote:
I see little difference between being preoccupied
with fighting lust, and lusting. For
me, they inexorably lead to the same thing.
My job in recovery
(after working my steps) is to focus on Hashem and
being useful to Him. Anything else is a distraction,
including lust/acting out. That's all. And
I can't get distracted by lust, of all things,
because if I do, I won't be able to control it. So I
can't struggle with lust any more than I can use it.
Recovery, in my
experience so far, is about a different focus that
the one I used to espouse.
Whether or not the process qualifies as "Teshuva"
is something that I need to leave up to Hashem, for
a change. I am getting better on His schedule,
not mine. My
business is doing His will for me today to the best
of my ability, period.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I forwarded yesterday's Chizuk e-mail
to Rabbi Twerski and wrote as follows:
Dear
Rabbi Twerski,
I would greatly
appreciate if the Rav could read through this piece
by "Dov"... Today Dov is sober in SA for over 10
years and he posts very wise advice on our forum
almost every day. However, his approach may sound a
little "strange" to some, as it "seems" to go
against some of the standard things we are taught in
mainstream Yiddishkeit (perhaps). That is why I'd be
most curious to hear the Rav's take on the issue.
Rabbi Twerski Replied:
I think that Dov's
statement that one needs to focus primarily on being
with Hashem and doing what Hashem wants, and to stop
preoccupation with the yetzer hara is valid. The
rebbe of Kotzk said, "An aveira is like mud.
Whichever way you handle the mud, you get dirty."
Twerski
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
In response, "Yechida" posted on the forum a similar
quote from the Tanya (volume 1, Perek 28):
"In response to a bad thought, do not reply at all,
no argument or answer whatsoever, for
he who wrestles with a Menuval
is bound to become soiled himself (misnavel gam
ken)."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
In response to Dov's e-mail yesterday, someone
wrote:
I think it's an interesting approach. If one can do
it, I think it is certainly ideal, but I don't think
I have what it takes to do this. It's just not
realistic for me to transform my thought process to
that approach. Maybe if I work on it little by
little I will eventually get there, but that is
probably a lifetime's work, and frankly, I don't
have that much time. I need freedom from lust NOW.
Response:
Personally, I think this approach is a lot easier
and quicker than "struggling with the
Yetzer Hara" all the time. We simply need to
learn to ignore the struggle and say: "this
struggle might be good for others, but I can't deal
with it at all, because I am lust-addict. Instead, I
leave the whole "struggle issue" to Hashem. It's
His business. For me, lust is a distraction,
that's all. It distracts me from my "outward" focus
and from doing Hashem's will for me today, to the
best of my ability."
The 12-Step approach that Dov is sharing with us,
makes freedom from the addiction a lot easier than
those who are always having epic-"struggles" with
their lust (and ultimately falling). |
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Attitude Tip of the Day
"Fell Shmell"
"Imtrying25" wrote on the forum to
someone who had experienced a fall after a long
clean streak and was very discouraged:
You fell? So what. Like "Bardichev"
always says, "fell shmell". We are not
perfect and we are not supposed to be
perfect. We are meant to fall. If not, why would we
be here? So I don't really give a hoot
that you fell. Yes, when I first heard about it, I
was down. Not because you fell, but because I knew
how YOU must be feeling - and that got to me. But
don't feel bad, friend. You're human like the rest
of us. You've got strong willpower and
determination. A fall can't undermine that. Keep
leading the way for us, brother. You're still in the
driver's seat. This is not about being clean and
falling. It's about showing the world that we will
fight what they all stand for. We will
fight till the bitter end. With the falls and with
the cleans, we won't give
in! |
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Quote
of the Day
I Don't Want to Be a Slave
"Rage" wrote on the forum to a woman
who struggled with these behaviors:
This may be something of "heresy" to say on GYE, but
mast** for a woman is not that bad. ... But
that's not the point... I strive to
eradicate p**n and mast** altogether not
because of how bad it is, but because I had become a
slave to lust - and lust has destroyed everything
that I am....
I have come to learn that I am an addict, and if I
continue down this road where I worship lust and let
lust control every part of who I am, I will
certainly be destroyed... I will lose everything,
and most importantly, I will lose myself...
I make this stand because I refuse to let that
happen... And the fact that G-d may look down and
smile, really, for me, that's a nice fringe
benefit...
I know that to free myself from the chains of this
addiction, I must utterly and completely not allow
lust a place anywhere in my life... I do it so
that I can live.
Alcohol isn't "bad" (unless you're Muslim), but an
alcoholic has become a slave to alcohol... It has
consumed him... So he must get rid of it... Same
here... The only difference is that society has
recognized the evils of over indulgence in alcohol,
whereas with lust, we live - unfortunately - in a
society that encourages each and everyone of us to
become an addict...
So we are here... a small band of fighters against
the army of destroyers... here to reverse this and
save this world, one Jew at a time, one small step
at a time... |
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Links
of the Day
The Top 10
Articles of Aish.com from the Past Decade!
The article called "X-Rated"
from Aish.com, written by a member of GYE who got
sober through our site (his story first appeared
here), made it onto the TOP TEN articles of Aish
from the past DECADE! (That's out of THOUSANDS of
articles!!)
P.S. Many people who joined our site and began their
successful journey to sobriety, later told me that
they found us through this article :-)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
While we're on the subject of
Aish.com, here's a great video clip that can help us
keep our focus on sobriety each day (click the pic
below).
|
|
|
669. |
Tuesday ~ 12 Teves, 5770 ~ December 29, 2009 |
|
In Today's Issue
-
Daily Dose of Dov:
A 'Paradigm Shift' in Thinking
-
Anecdote of the Day:
What are you needed for?
-
The Second GYE Kumzitz:
A Smashing Success!
-
Quote of the Day: A Beautiful Teffliah
-
Links of the Day:
The Top Ten - and another great clip from Aish
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Daily
Dose of Dov
Dov is sober in SA for over 10 years. See his story
here.
A 'Paradigm Shift' in Thinking
In a discussion on dating and
"whether those with attractive wives have it any
easier with their addiction" (see
this thread), Dov posted a beautiful reply that
can really open our eyes to what recovery is
supposed to be all about. Dov writes:
I feel that this entire discussion is
nice in theory, but the missing "context" is very
loud in its absence.
Please bear with me on this...
A Rebbe of mine, who
was a great gadol b'yisrael (and my
mesader kiddushin) told us in a shmuz
that being in Yeshiva is all about self-development,
improving your learning ability and your knowledge,
your quality of kiyum hamitzvos, learning how
to be a real y'rei Shomayim, and doing
Teshuva.
In other words, it's
basically a self-centered endeavor. Right? He didn't say
it's bad, mind you, just that it is self-centered,
because it has to
be.
Even working on your anivus is
basically a self-centered activity (all Novardok
jokes aside)... but what else are we to do? The job
needs to get done somehow!
"im ein ani li mi li"!
Now it seems to me
that for a normal person, the "system" should work
just fine. But just about every addict that I have
met is a "self-absorbed" person, and that is the
root of their problem. Therefore, I think that the
Yeshivishe system - which I would not replace
for anything - has an inherent problem for
addicts. It stokes the flames of self-absorption
and self-centeredness tremendously, by telling us
that these are wonderful things. Not being selfish,
but being basically totally self-centered and
self-absorbed.
So while the points
being raised in this thread make for interesting
moral, mental, and Torah hashkofa exercises,
the elephant in the room is: When will you turn from
being all wrapped up in what you need
and want, and open yourself up to making your main
focus in all your avodah to become the man
that your future wife will need and want?
All the great gems
that the folks here have dropped for us will likely
remain useless tools, as long as they are all about
"finally" satisfying ourselves. Your context
is far more
important than your facts or knowledge. And context
is real hard to measure. Only Hashem, and you - in
your own heart - can tell. It's what the Shulchan
Aruch is referring to when it says "kol ma'asecha
yihi'yu l'Shem Shomayim". And that mainly means not l'shem
us. Simple.
And it's what addicts call the Third Step.
("We made a decision
to turn our will and our lives over to the care of
God as we understood Him").
Once we get that right, what concerns us will
change to matters that really have
a solution.
Hatzlocha!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Anecdote of the Day
What are you needed for?
Dov's post (above) reminds me of a
story I read this past Shabbos...
A
wealthy and learned Chasid came to the Bal Hatanya
complaining that his business was going bad and he
was losing all of his money fast. He told the Rebbe
that if Hashem wills him to be poor, he accepts it
with love, but he can't bear the pain of all the
people he owes money to. Many poor people, orphans
and widows had entrusted him with their money, and
he can't even pay them back! The Rebbe was leaning
on his arms listening, and finally said "you seem to
be worried about what you need,
but you haven't perhaps considered what you are needed
for?"
The Chassid fell into a dead faint. When they
revived him, he left the Rebbe's office and went
straight to the Beis Medrash where he sat for days
on end, completely ignoring this world and any past
worries of his... Finally the Rebbe called him and
told him that Hashem wants us to serve him through
this world, not by ignoring this world, and the
Rebbe blessed him and sent him home. From that point
on, he saw much success and recovered all his
fortune...
What I found
beautiful about this story is that although it is
true that this Yid had very valid reasons to
be worried and feel tremendous pain - and we would
even go as far as to assume that it was his "Yetzer
Tov" who was making him worry (after all, he was
feeling the pain of others, to whom he owed money) -
still, the Rebbe's reply to him was not to focus on
what HE NEEDED, even for the good (i.e. yetzer hara,
struggle, reward, nachas ruach, etc...) and
instead focus on what he is needed for,
i.e. being useful to HASHEM. And when a Jew succeeds
to make this paradigm shift in his thinking, he ends
up seeing success anyway
It's a subtle but
MAJOR distinction. This is that "nekudah" that
is spoken about in Chassidic Sefarim... the
difference between Chametz and Matza,
between Lishma and Shelo lishma. (But
as Dov will surely tell you, the only things that
matters to him is that it's the
ultimate difference between sobriety and insanity,
life and death ).
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The
Connecting of 7 Beautiful Neshamos
The Second GYE Kumzitz: A Smashing Success!
To download an MP3 file of the singing at the first
GYE Kumzitz (on Chanukah), click on
this link and press "Download".
To find out
when the next Kumzitz will be in Israel, be in touch
with "Imtrying" at
imtrying25@gmail.com
"Imtrying", who hosted the Kumzitz last night (which
was a goodbye party to "Uri" who is leaving to
America), wrote:
So the second GYE kumzitz has come to an end. Thank
you to all those that attended. Eye.nonymous, Momo,
Uri, Loi-misyaoish, sturggle, and the chashuveh
R' Battleworn. Seven guys altogether. We really
appreciated Battleworn coming. We learned so much
from him and we hope this is only the beginning of
many good things to come. It was really beautiful.
It was hard to say goodbye to Uri, but that's the
way of life. All good things come to an end. We will
miss you Uri.
We would also like to
take this opportunity to thank our esteemed
moderator "Kedusha" for calling in and sharing some
very special thoughts with us. Thank you.
"Momo" wrote:
My take about last night:
Absolutely beautiful!
Thank you Imtrying
for hosting again a very special evening.
I found it was even
better than the first one. It was less
awkward since most of us had already met each other.
Nice to see everyone,
and to meet "Loi Tisyaaish" for the first
time.
It was also very
special for "Kedusha" to call in (thanks!)
I think the highlight
was having Battleworn come. He added a sense of
kedusha and leadership to the gathering. His
divrei Torah were out of this world!
Guys, if you are in
Israel and didn't come, you missed out big time. It
was such a special evening; I can't stop thinking
about it. The Torah, the singing (can't wait to hear
the MP3!), the shmoozing. This wasn't about a bunch
of lust addicts getting together, this was the
connecting of seven beautiful neshamot with
one common goal; giving each other chizuk
just from the fact that we are going through this
together and keep on trucking! Of course the fact
that this gives us the opportunity to turn virtual
relationships into real relationships is priceless.
I feel so lucky to
have the z'chus to be invited and have attended
this, and I hope we do it again soon. I already
suggested that at the latest, we do it again when
Eye reaches 90 days (a month from now), if not
sooner.
Again, to the super
7, thank you all for an absolutely beautiful and
spiritual evening.
"Battleworn" wrote:
My dear brothers and sisters!
Last night I had the tremendous privilege of meeting
six of the Gedolei Hador. Not the conventional kind
of Gedolim, but rather the ones who are considered
the Gedolim by the "Olam Ha'emes" view. It gave me
such a tremendous chizuk and infused me with so much
hope.
I think these meetings are a tremendous step forward
for us and all of klal Yisrael. I hope they
only get better and bigger. Imtrying and everyone,
Thank you SO SO MUCH for doing this!!!
I hope to post soon a powerful thought on a posuk in
Shir Hashirim, on
the new board.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
For the reason why we created a special
board for R' Battleworn, please see
this post. |
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Quote
of the Day
A Beautiful Teffilah
"Levite" posted:
Yesterday was a hard day for me. I actually told
Hashem, "Hashem, I am powerless over this struggle,
if you want me to fall - I will, for I have no
strength that is my own. Hashem what do you want?
Perhaps you want me to fall so that I recognize that
I have no power, but please accept my words as
if I would have fallen, cuz I sooooo know
that I am useless without You!" |
|
|
670. |
Wednesday ~ 13 Teves, 5770 ~ December 30, 2009 |
|
In Today's Issue
-
Attitude Tip of the Day:
There is Only the Melody
-
Parable of the Day:
Ants on a Log
-
Q&A of the Day:
An Anonymous Halachic
Question
-
Testimonial of the Day: By "TheMan"
-
Sayings of the Day:
Great Slogans from AA
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Attitude Tip of the Day
There is Only The Melody
By "Kanesher"
Yesterday we brought a
beautiful post from Dov under the title: A
'Paradigm Shift' in Thinking. In a beautiful
post, "Kanesher" explains how he understands this
"Paradigm Shift" that we addicts often need to
under-go in order to recover.
"Kanesher" writes:
The question is always the "self".
"I"
fight for Hashem.
"I"
do for you. "I" had a bad day. The
reference point of my existence - is me. I
feel my self-identity very deeply. And the paradox
is, that when I hold onto to the self, I do not
truly have it.
You see, it could be that we truly did - and do -
for others, and even for Hashem. But our
reference point is always our own self.
We over-focus on what the 'self' should be doing;
what Hashem wants of it; what our wives / husbands /
children / Rebbeim, and even GOD(!) want it to be.
And when we feel that we are not fulfilling those
perceived requirements to others, the VOID IN THE
SELF IS HUGE! The 'self' begs to be medicated! FILL
THE SELF! Because we focus on the self so much, and
deem it empty.
We need to realize that the self just is.
That is what is meant by "living for God". Not what
"I" should be doing. What does the
"I" have to do with it?
R' Aharon Kotler once said - I would jump in Hell
itself to understand this Rashba. He didn't
care for the self, the self wasn't suppose to learn
the Rashba, the Rashba was to be
learned!
We need to learn not do for others because we
should be doing for others. But to purely do
for others - empty of pretense, of desire, of hope,
of SELF... And that is the deepest
expression of the true self.
This is so essential in any healthy relationship. We
should not be in a relationship with anyone
"BECAUSE" or "SHOULD" or "HAVE TO"
or "HASHEM WANTS IT SO" or "MY SPOUSE
WANTS IT SO" but simply because the world is
meant to be a certain way. Nothing to do with ME. I
am part of the world. I am in harmony with
the world.
Here's a metaphor:
The good violinist plays the notes that the
conductor wants. But the Master violinist? HE IS
TOTALLY UNAWARE OF THE VIOLIN, OF THE SELF, OF THE
NOTES THAT SHOULD BE PLAYED OR WHAT HE IS DOING.
To him there is ONLY THE MELODY! ONLY THE ORCHESTRA!
ONLY THE MUSIC!
And this is the deepest self. The fullest and truest
self. And we only taste it when we totally let go of
everything and hear only the beating of our own
hearts and existence, and the song of the tzelem
Elokim within us that truly has no individuality
but is merely part of the melody of Kavod
Shamayim which must fill the world. And there is
no US. Only the Music!
And if we fall, well, the melody must go on. What
does my fall have to do with anything? Guilt? Pain?
That's again the "Self"... I
If we fell- well, the melody is Teshuva, and then
onward!
NO pretense. NO desire. NO goals. Just Music! |
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Parable of the Day
Ants on a Log
Duvid Chaim often used the analogy of
"Ants on a log" to represent Surrender and
Tranquility (in his
12-Step phone group).
It doesn't matter if the log is floating on calm or
turbulent waters, the ants just walk around
nonchalantly - and they definitely don't try to
control the log!
We have to realize that we are but ants on the "log"
of life. No matter what happens to the log, we
aren't in control. So let go and let G-d -
and feel the serenity and tranquility! |
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q & A
of the Day
An Anonymous Halachic Question
I was continually molested as a
child, and to cut a long story short, I have been
seeing a renowned therapist for the past year who
has helped me tremendously. My therapist said I need
to use a therapy called "masturbatory
reconditioning". He said that this technique has
proven to be very affective for cases like mine. I
just wanted to check if this therapy is halachicaly
allowed in a situation where this is an integral
part of my recovery?
Hi, I am not a Rav, but you may be able to ask your
question on-line anonymously. I set up a page now,
especially for you, where people can ask intimate
halachic questions on-line. See here:
ASK THE RABBI
Personally, I feel that this is a strange approach.
I am sure that many other therapists could find you
a different approach. Would it be possible
for you to look into finding a different therapist,
or for your therapist to look into alternate
treatments? (Perhaps look into EMDR treatment).
See below what someone recently sent me in regard to
the halachic severity of wasting seed:
I was recently discussing with my wife about
infertility problems and how sad it is for some
people that we know etc. She mentioned a certain
fact to me that gave me a shiver right up my spine.
I want to tell you about it in case this is
something that may help some people overcome the
problem of masturbation.
She told me that when frum couple have to begin
infertility treatment, before even entertaining the
possibility that the husband may be the problem and
doing anything about it, they first have to
ascertain that the wife is not the problem. This can
take months and months - maybe longer. Why do they
do that? Wouldn't checking out the husband at the
same time make the chances of having a child
improve? The answer is... Yes, it will. But since
this will require the husband to produce a sample of
his sperm, it cannot be done until we know for a
fact that his wife is not the source of them being
childless. So severe is it to waste seed, that even
though they may have long been able to hold and
cradle a child of their own... and wake up to the
sound of a crying baby.... - it cannot override the
issue of wasting seed. Even that is
considered wasting it! |
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Testimonial of the Day
"TheMan" posted:
I was completely addicted to p**n. Nobody knew. My
wife and I went to our local Rav regarding how to
deal with issues that every couple deals with. In
front of them both, I admitted to looking at p**n.
The Rav told my wife how lucky she was and how
impressed he was that I came clean like that. My
wife was upset but we spoke about it. Now my wife
and I have a really amazing relationship, and since
then (9 months) I have never gone back to those
websites. Lately I have been having feelings to go
back, but thanks to this site I am able to withstand
the temptations. |
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Sayings of the Day
Some
Great AA Slogans
You are not alone.
Wherever you go, there you are.
Use the 24-hour plan.
Stay sober for yourself.
Remember your last fall
Remember that the addiction is incurable,
progressive, and fatal.
When all else fails, follow directions.
Count your blessings.
Share your happiness.
Share your pain.
Let go of old ideas.
Try to replace guilt with gratitude.
Change is a process, not an event.
Take the cotton out of your ears and put it in your
mouth.
Call your sponsor before, not after, you take the
first drink.
Sick and tired of being sick and tired.
It's the first drink that gets you drunk.
The price for serenity and sanity is self-sacrifice.
Take what you can use and leave the rest. |
|
|
671. |
Thursday ~ 14 Teves, 5770 ~ December 31, 2009
As I was sending today's chizuk e-mail I noticed
that we have exactly 999 members on this Chizuk
list, as the year '09 comes to a close...
|
|
In Today's Issue
-
Daily Dose of Dov:
Reality Check
-
Anecdote of the Day:
Life is About Choices
-
Q&A Link of the Day:
How can I do Teshuvah for the worst sins
imaginable?
-
Quote of the Day: Eyelids
-
Sayings of the Day:
More Great Slogans from AA
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Daily
Dose of Dov
Dov is sober in SA for over 10 years. See his story
here.
Reality Check
"Bardichev"
wrote on the forum:
So yes, I am past 90 days - but
believe it or not, I also need a little Chizuk!
1) It's not fun any more.
2) There is no WAR.
3) The "C" bomb: Complacency
4) I want shmutz, but I really don't want it,
but I really do, yet I really don't.
While I await chizuk, I will get up front in
my cab, fire up the old engine and KEEP ON TRUCKIN!!!
Dov Responds:
Just a reality check first. My wife just called me
to let me know that an old friend of mine just lost
his wife from a sudden illness, R"l. All I can say
is boruch Dayan ha'emess while my heart drips
tears. Hashem must know exactly what He is doing.
Gevalt, Gevalt. How is a person supposed to go on
bichlal? I have no idea, no idea. May Hashem
give him superhuman strength, show him love from
people that goes way beyond normal, and shine into
his heart that is breaking open and somehow give him
the ability to stay sane and be His eved.
Please Hashem, help this man remember his children
and all the other riches he has in this life and
have some kind of a nechoma.. I don't know
what else to say, and I keep stopping to cry..
Please. May the folks on GYE, Hashem's sensitive
bunch with beautiful hearts, daven for this man.
I'm going to go home be"H as soon as I'm done with
GYE and say Hi to my wife and try to tell her how I
feel about her being my partner here and in the
hereafter. Better yet, I'll spend less time
that I want to on GYE and go home to her a bit
early. Actions speak louder than words...
(I actually wrote the below earlier but couldn't
finish it until after unburdening my heart and so I
put the reality check first because something told
me it was min haShomayim, maybe to help you
somehow, or just to share it and help me
somehow... what's the difference?)
As far as it not being fun anymore, it goes both
ways for an addict. The schmutz is no longer
fun, as the AA's say, "being a drunk ruins your
drinking" (i.e. the results of indulging ruin the
indulging too!). Yeah, it won't be fun any more. I
commiserate. And as far as recovery not being
fun is concerned, yeh, recovery gets real boring
until I get a fire lit under my tush by complacency,
and then the struggle begins - and suddenly it's fun
again! (not). It's amazing what a challenge it is to
actually find a real big chunk of wood in
shark-infested waters after a shipwreck! And looking
for it is just riveting (and
exciting)! No? Hmm... well, maybe not so "fun",
technically....
As far as "I want, blah, blah...", it's OK (not
good, just OK) to want it. We, of all Hashem's
people, need to go easy on ourselves when we do. And
our response needs to be a little smile and a
"well.....there I go again! heh, heh.." and call
someone (or post) about it as soon as possible. It
means nothing. Absolutely nothing. If we struggle or
incriminate ourselves "for stooping so low!" then we
are dead. We need to view it just as a blip, bump,
or bleep. Probably more like a bleep.... and then
get straight back to what we were doing before we
got distracted.
I love you, bardy (but not a scratch of a scratch as
much as Hashem does!)
- Dov |
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Anecdote of the Day
Life Is About Choices
Posted by "TheOne"
I think this is an amazing story. It gives me a lot
of chizuk in my daily struggle:
Michael is the kind of guy you love to hate. He is
always in a good mood and always has something
positive to say.
When someone would ask him how he was doing, would
reply, "If I were any better, I would be twins!"
He was a natural motivator.
If an employee was having a bad day, Michael was
there telling the employee how to look on the
positive side of the situation.
Seeing this style really made me curious, so one day
I went up to Michael and asked him, "I don't get it!
You can't be a positive person all the time. How do
you do it?"
Michael replied, "Each morning I wake up and say to
myself, you have two choices today.
-
You can choose to be in a good mood or ... you
can choose to be in a bad mood. I choose to be
in a good mood.
-
Each time something bad happens, I can choose to
be a victim or ... I can choose to learn from
it. I choose to learn from it.
-
Every time someone comes to me complaining, I
can choose to accept their complaining or... I
can point out the positive side of life. Choose
the positive side of life.
"Yeah, right, it's not that easy," I
protested. "Yes, it is," Michael said.
"Life is all about choices. When you cut away all
the junk, every situation is a choice. You choose
how you react to situations. You choose how people
affect your mood. You choose to be in a good mood or
bad mood.
The bottom line: It's your choice how you live your
life."
I reflected on what Michael said. Soon thereafter, I
left the Tower Industry to start my own business. We
lost touch, but I often thought about him when I
made a choice about life instead of reacting to it.
Several years later, I heard that Michael was
involved in a serious accident, falling some 60 feet
from a communications tower.
After 18 hours of surgery and weeks of intensive
care, Michael was released from the hospital with
rods placed in his back.
I saw Michael about six months after the accident.
When I asked him how he was, he replied. "If I were
any better, I'd be twins. Wanna see my scars?"
I declined to see his wounds, but I did ask him what
had gone through his mind as the accident took
place.
"The first thing that went through my mind was the
well-being of my soon to be born daughter," Michael
replied. "Then, as I lay on the ground, I remembered
that I had two choices: I could choose to live or
... I could choose to die. I chose to live."
"Weren't you scared? Did you lose consciousness?" I
asked.
Michael continued, "...the paramedics were great.
They kept telling me I was going to be fine. But
when they wheeled me into the ER and I saw the
expressions on the faces of the doctors and nurses,
I got really scared.
In their eyes, I read "he's a dead man." I knew I
needed to take action."
"What did you do?" I asked.
"Well, there was a big burly nurse shouting
questions at me," said Michael.
"She asked if I was allergic to anything. "Yes, I
replied." The doctors and nurses stopped working as
they waited for my reply. I took a deep breath and
yelled, "Gravity."
Over their laughter, I told them, "I am choosing to
live. Operate on me as if I am alive, not dead."
"Michael lived, thanks to the skill of his doctors,
but also because of his amazing attitude.
My real struggle is about choosing. I'm now 11
days clean. I keep telling myself: it's all about
choosing. You can give in and let the Yetzer Hara
win one more time, or you can give the biggest
nachas ruach to Hashem... For me, it's all about
making the right choice. |
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Quote
of the Day
Eyelids
"Eye.nonymous" posted:
I love my eyelids, they're awesome. They're
always there for me. In the middle of the street if
I have trouble, I just pull down the shades for a
second and *poof* no more problem!
Thank you Hashem! |
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Sayings of the Day
More
Great AA Slogans
Once
is too much, a thousand times is never enough.
"Anger" is but one letter away from "danger".
Easy does it, but DO it.
"Fear" is the darkroom where my negatives are
developed. |
|
|
672. |
Friday ~ 15 Teves, 5770 ~ January 1, 2010
Erev Shabbos, Parshas Vayechi -
Chazak Chazak Ve'nischazek!
In Honor of the new year - and my son's Bar Mitzva
this Shabbos, we've broken the 1000 member barrier
on this e-mail list. We are at 1005 members today!
Mazal Tov to one and all!
Help us grow bigger and advertise more. Send
your donations to GYE using the links at the bottom
of the e-mail! |
|
In Today's Issue
-
Torah Thought of the Day:
Bar Mitzva
vs. Ba'al Aveira
-
Daily Dose of Dov:
Honesty in Gehinom over
dishonesty in Gan Eden
-
Testimonial of the Day:
Making Great Progress
-
Parable of the Day: Which wall is your ladder leaning
against?
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Torah
Thought of the Day
Bar Mitzva
vs. Ba'al Aveiro
I'm making Bar Mitzva for my Bechor this
Shabbos, Parshas Vayechi - Chazak.
Mazal Tov to everyone. I will hold you all in my
heart this Shabbos by the Kiddush!!
If you want to post a Mazal Tov, feel free to use
this thread on the forum :-)
Click here to read a D'var Torah on the Parsha
from "Bardichev" in honor of the Bar Mitzva. (Thank
you bardichev!)
Noorah B'Amram Posted a nice vort for the Bar Mitzva
that we can all use to be Mischazek:
Why is it that we call it a "Bar" Mitzvah -
literally a "son of a mitzvah", as opposed to a
sinner who we call a "Ba'al" Aveira? Why
don't we call a sinner a "Bar" Aveira too?
Answered the holy Chofetz Chaim:
"Baal" in lashon hakodesh can also
mean a husband. A husband can get rid of his wife by
granting her a divorce.
So too, we can get rid of an aveira by
divorcing it, through Teshuvah.
On the other hand, a son can never ever be divorced
from his father.
The same goes for a Mitzvah. When we do a Mitzva, we
strengthen the relationship we have to our Father in
Heaven. And we are always a "bar mitzvah", we can
never get rid of the closeness that we created when
we did a Mitzvah.
Warmest and Heartiest Mazal Tov!!!!
May the Bar Mitzvah Bachur grow up to be a true "Bar
Mitzvah" and become a great mezakeh es harabim
like his father!!! Amen
Fiery burning love from,
Noorah, the smallest in the house of Amram. |
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Daily
Dose of Dov
Dov is sober in SA for over 10 years. See his story
here.
"I choose honesty in Gehinom over dishonesty in Gan
Eden"
Dov writes to someone on the forum:
You asked about SA's
use of the term "Lust". You are bringing up
chazals to understand the term, rather than
using examples from your own personal experience -
with your own problem. I'm all for
chazal, but if we are trying to uncover what is
really going on within us, it would seem that
being honest with ourselves is far more important
than what a sefer says.
If folks say this
borders on apikorsus, then my response to
them is that I'll gladly choose honesty in Gehinom
over dishonesty in Gan eden, any day. Why? Because
the only thing that saved me from my personal
gehinom in addiction - and it was
gehinom (I
need no chazal
or sefer to tell me that)
- was honesty.
And in my case, I needed also a chevra
(group) and a sponsor to help me do that. I found
that in SA.
Besides, chazal
tell us that this world is an olam hafuch
(upside-down) - those who are high here, are low
there. To me, that includes us when our frumkeit
that is external - only in our
brains, like Eisav's big head. Trust me, when we
inject some shameless personal honesty into the mix,
Torah becomes incredibly more powerful as a
force in our lives. V'anavim yirshu aretz.
The one's who seem low on the outside, are really high.
Kapeesh?
On the other hand,
being frummer did me no good, it was doomed
to forever be a half-measure (and as they say in AA,
"Half measures availed us nothing") because - after
all - I was
the one defining and enacting the "frumkeit".
(Torah is like water, it takes the shape of the
vessel it's in. So if the vessel is crooked,
well...)
Do you get what I
mean?
What do chazal
mean when they tell us: "Derech Eretz Kodmah
L'Torah"? To me, this is exactly what
they are talking about.
Don't look to the
Torah to save you when you are insane. How
can you expect to succeed while you'll be
the one applying and measuring it? The basis of all
frumkeit is personal
responsibility. Darf men zeyn a mentch,
ershtence (we need to be a mentch first).
The yidden at Har Sinai had to
be healed before they
could accept the Torah, right? Yidden need to have
some basic mental health - specifically self-honesty
- to use Torah successfully as instructions for
living. Otherwise it's known,
but not applied. Hey, kind of like in our case,
right? The typical GYE-Jew: a frum yid who
just can't "get frum" in this area... drives us
nuts, doesn't it?
In fact, a true
shoteh is totally patur from the mitzvos.
We in addiction are not true shotim, only we
are full of "ruach shtus". We are not
p'turim, but we seem doomed to fail at it.
This insanity is clearly discussed in all 12 step
literature.
If you want to talk
about it more, I'll gladly share my insanity with
you (that sounds funny, doesn't it?).
So, I ask you (as
chazal put it): how can a prisoner extract
himself from prison? Chazal inform us that he can't.
And who is more of a chavush (prisoner) than
an addict? No one, to me.
Isn't the
self-application of Torah exactly what all of
us do for years and years until we make enough of a
mess of things that we finally reach out for help,
as you are?
Well, keep reaching
for help. It's here.
Now, maybe we can
talk about lust a bit.. ;-) |
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Testimonial of the Day
Making Great Progress
One of the members of our forum sent us an update on
his progress:
I've been seeing the
therapist (that you suggested) for a while; B"H
we have a good repertoire and have been dealing a
lot with core issues. We've spoke about acting out
and the like; he's been on top of it and we've been
using both hypnosis and practical methods. B"H I am
down to mast* only like once a week - sometimes even
less. And we've managed to totally disconnected it
from lust.
And remember how I used to kvetch about my
eshes chayil (that maybe if she was only
prettier I would have less of an issue)? Yeah, well
that's pretty much gone. She's beautiful. Now I
finally see my addiction for what it really is - a
"stress coping mechanism" (or just an all-around
coping mechanism). That I owe directly to my
therapist and his analysis of what the heck I
wanted. My learning, my marriage, my "giving
capability" and my ability to cope with life are all
much much much better. I feel very hopeful.
The other day my wife's computer fuzzed out and I
had to erase everything. Including the filter. But
my neighbor has unfiltered internet over Wifi! My
wife was asleep in the next room. I gritted my teeth
- and excuse my French - said to H* with you, not
today! And I woke her up. She wandered out, sleepy -
whaah? - and I downloaded K9 and made her put in a
password and sent her to bed. And I smiled. When I
do act out these days, it is must less "lustful",
but p**n means death. Period. End of story.
Thanks for everything!,
P.S. I hope to join
Duvid Chaim's calls on his next time through the
12-Steps, hopefully starting in a few weeks! |
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Parable of the Day
Which Wall is Your Ladder Leaning Against?
By "7Up"
To a Ba'al Teshuva who was just starting to keep
Shabbos and felt overwhelmed by the work ahead of
him, especially upon learning the severity of the
sin of mast**, "7Up" wrote:
Hashem cares very little as to where we are now in
our religiosity. What He notices is WHERE WE ARE
HEADING.
Picture a room bare of anything other than four
walls, a ladder, and no ceiling.
Each wall faces a different direction, and the
view on top of each is very different than the other
3.
Which wall will you place that ladder against as
you begin your climb out?
What view do you eventually wish to gaze upon
once you've reached the top of that wall?
Times square at midnight?
The Mets stadium?
Wall street?
... Heaven?
True you may not reach the top for a while,
but against which wall are you placing your
ladder NOW?
DO NOT try and conquer everything in one day.
You will not manage to keep Shabbos and not
masturbate and not, and not, and not, etc.
overnight.
And if you try too, you will fail.
Growth is a ladder, not an escalator or even a
flight of steps.
Escalators require no effort at all on our part.
Steps can be skipped and you can climb them two
at a time.
A ladder needs climbing rung by rung. One at a
time.
Religious growth must be on a ladder.
And the view on top of that wall will take your
breath away with its absolute beauty.
As long as your ladder is leaning on the right
wall... |
|
|
673. |
Sunday ~ 17 Teves, 5770 ~ January 3, 2010 |
|
In Today's Issue
-
Torah Thought of the Day:
Shovavim
-
Daily Dose of Dov:
My 7th Mitzva T'midi
-
Testimonial of the Day:
A Non-Jew Shares his Progress
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Torah
Thought of the Day
Shovavim
Today begins the six week period known as Shovavim.
Shovavim is
an acronym for the six weekly Torah
portions Shemot, Vaera, Bo, Beshelah, Yitro and
Mishpatim.
The word Shovavim alludes to the Pasuk in Yirmiya
(3:14), "Shuvu Banim Shovavim" - "return oh wayward
children"... The Arizal taught that these weeks are
especially auspicious for doing Teshuvah in the area
of Shmiras Habris.
The six weekly Parshiyos of Shovavim deal with the
slavery of the Jewish people in Mitzrayim and their
subsequent redemption, all the way through the
giving of the Torah on Har Sinai. The struggle for
moral purity often follows the same theme, where a
person often feels trapped and enslaved to their
animalistic desires. Through Teshuvah and divine
intervention, one can succeed to break free of the
bondage to these destructive behaviors and become a
servant of G-d.
The weeks where we read about the Jewish people's
journey from slavery to divine servitude, are
especially auspicious for own personal journeys
from slavery - to becoming men of G-d.
(See here for more information on Shovavim). |
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Daily
Dose of Dov
Dov is sober in SA for over 10 years. See his story
here.
My 7th Mitzva
T'midi
I have come to see that there really is something
broken with me and that I need Hashem's help to be
saved from it. I am an addict. That is the 1st step,
as I do it.
And I do it every day and all the time, whenever I
remember. It's no big deal, it's just the truth
about me. Just like doing the six mitzvos
t'midios for any Jew. That's life. This is my 7th
mitzvah t'midi, that's all. This is
not a cute vort, a metaphor, or a moshol.
It's the plain truth, or else I'm fooling myself and
soon I'll be dead.
And talking about it whenever possible,
helps keep it alive in my mind. It's the difference
between Chochma and Da'as - Da'as
is a continual awareness that makes the knowledge
real, natural, and usable in life. But enough
shmuz...
The only reason I need for why I acted out on
my lust addiction and "became" an addict, is: I am
an addict.
And the only reason I am aware of that I'd ever act
out again now, is that I did not take care of myself
by adequately working the 12 Steps in my life. And
that, of course, includes the 1st step (admission)
that I mentioned above.
Of course, if you embark on the journey of 12 Step
recovery, you'll understand what I'm talking about a
lot better, so perhaps it's best to wait to go into
details until then...
When I share how - and what - I do when I act out, I
tell people "what I do when I act out" (not what I
"used to do", or "did"), even though boruch
Hashem I have not acted out in years, because I
have no evidence that I can't do it again. I learned
this from my sponsor.
Like many addicts, I have plenty of ga'avah telling
me I won't do it again, but no evidence, at all. So
I don't test it any more. That's why I'm here,
rather than still "searching for the answer" as so
many are, or dead - or worse.
I thank G-d that as of today, I have not fallen prey
to the stupidity of checking whether I can use lust
like a normal person can (and they obviously can)
without ruining my life.
My wife and children would thank Hashem, too, if
they understood. |
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Testimonial of the Day
A Non-Jew Shares His Progress
Click here
to see his original story from about two years ago.
We can all learn a lot from these posts below.
Hello Guard,
First of all, let me wish you a very happy new year.
May be it a great one for everybody on GYE.
You have helped me so much in the past two years,
and I am very grateful for all the support and
guidance that you have given, and continue to give
me. I know that I will always have an immense amount
of progress to make, but looking back to where I was
a few years ago, my life has been totally
transformed. You have played a large and
indispensable part in all of this. Thanks be to God
for guiding me to you.
I thought long and hard about whether I should
e-mail you since I don't want to keep on taking your
time. However, I feel that I should be honest and
open with you, since I regard you as my mentor as
well my friend in this struggle.
Yesterday night, I fell again. Whilst almost asleep
in bed, I somehow managed to masturbate without
realizing the severity of what I was doing until it
was too late.
To be frank though, I think that overconfidence led
to this episode. I thought that I was stronger than
I was about 6 months to a year ago, so some of my
previous precautions and fences no longer applied.
There is nothing I wouldn't do to conquer this
disease, but I'm constantly torn between wanting to
live a 'normal' life and being ultra-careful, but
failing to maintain that degree of moral tension for
long. This is especially more difficult since I am a
non-Jew and really do enjoy things like films, books
etc etc.
Anyway, thanks for your time and help.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A few days later he sent me an e-mail:
Hey Guard,
Sorry to bother you again, but I wanted to let you
know what I've done in response to my recent spate
of falls. Looking over the past couple of years, I
have realized that although I've made a huge amount
of progress, I have an even greater amount of work
to do both now and in the future.
Also, whilst reading your handbooks, I realized that
I'm just a "dry drunk" when it comes to SA. All I've
effectively been doing is trying to avoid
pornography and masturbation, rather than making a
real and serious effort to overhaul my entire being.
I've been running away from God and postponing
something that I perceived as painful and
burdensome.
I started by deleting all the links and bookmarks I
could that led to websites with pictures of models,
attractive young girls etc. Yesterday I also wiped
all the games (including all saved data) from my
computers. This was something I've wanted to do for
the past two years, but never had the strength to
fulfill. I was like Isildur from the Lord of the
Rings who could not give up and destroy the ring. I
must have wasted about 15-20 hours a week playing
games. From now on, I will use this time to read,
exercise, play the piano, learn languages and help
my mum with the housework.
Finally, that dangerous book I've been reading that
has caused me to fall multiple times will be given
to a charity shop. I can't bring myself to burn a
beautiful leather bound book with a gold and green
covering that is considered a classic, so I guess
this is the next best thing.
I've also made a whole list of new year's
resolutions that I intend to review every day.
Studying the GYE handbooks is also included as one
of my goals, and by the end of March, I hope to have
reached 90 days clean and to have internalized the
GYE philosophy.
Thank you for all your time and help and I hope your
son's Bar Mitzvah was great fun! May God bless you,
your family and all the members of GYE.
Take care and best wishes!
P.S. I really want to e-mail you with a happy story
in three months time. |
|
|
674. |
Monday ~ 18 Teves, 5770 ~ January 4, 2010 |
|
In Today's Issue
-
Thank You Duvid Chaim:
Another great voyage comes to
an end!
-
Q & A of the Day:
Doesn't being "ill" absolve
me of responsibility?
-
Testimonial of the Day:
What Makes us Great
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Thank you Duvid Chaim!
Duvid Chaim's Anonymous 12-Step
phone group
finishes another 3 month voyage through the Big-Big.
Duvid Chaim wrote me today:
Well, we finished up another round of
the Lunch & Learn Program.
I was so impressed with this bunch. Very insightful,
very committed. And full of hope and "willingness".
Looking FORWARD to the new Group in February,
Duvid Chaim
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
One of the guys from the group wrote me today:
I just had to thank you personally for everything
you've done for all of us and the world by creating
and managing GYE so well. Especially for hosting the
platform of the 12 Step calls, and specially Duvid
Chaim's group. I don't know how you found him or how
he found you, but this shidduch is a blessing
to the world. We just finished the last day of the
official Call. It's definitely bittersweet. Hard to
enjoy the accomplishment when faced with the loss of
the "automatic" daily contact and chizuk.
Thank you, thank you, thank you. May HKB"H shower
you and your mishpacha with a life of
blessing and parnassa, ad bli dei.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
And to Duvid Chaim he wrote:
Dear Duvid Chaim,
You have no idea how much you have done for me by
choosing to become a sponsor for GYE - and for
becoming mine as well. I will be indebted to you for
the rest of my life. That does not entitle you to
any privileges, BTW, especially loans, but it DOES
mean that I consider you a very close friend, and I
look forward to the day when I can give you a great
big bear hug in person. I am going to miss my daily
connection to you SOOOOOOOOOOO much! But like you
said, my recovery can't be dependent on anyone else
- just on Hashem and me. So I know we've gotta cut
the apron strings. I'm just glad that you are so
good at what you do. I think I can speak for
everyone who has finished today to say that not one
of us ever felt you were in this for yourself. Your
genuine sincerity is obvious to us all.
Thank you for the chizuk, and for the wise
suggestions to underline and take notes on the
calls. I originally thought that was for helping
others later, but now I see it's for myself mostly,
cuz it will help me re-live the calls better when
re-reading the book, which I intend to begin this
week. I also will try to keep a separate journal to
record my impressions and thoughts, bli neder, as I
read.
I still have a lot to learn from you, my friend, so
you're not getting rid of me that easy.
I'll look forward to your email announcing the next
time our chevra can speak together as a
group, and of course to hear when you are starting
in Feb. IY"H. |
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q & A
of the Day
Doesn't being "ill" absolve me from responsibility?
Why do the 12-Step groups call the addiction an
"allergy" or "disease". Won't that absolve people of
responsibility for their acting out?
The idea of this being an "illness"
has nothing to do with absolving ourselves from
responsibility at all. And to prove this, let me
bring a few quotes from a 12-Step book I have (from
the First Step).
-
We realized we were acting
insane. It's not sane to repeat self-destructive
behaviors.
-
We recognized how insidious the
addiction is, how it continues to tell us lies,
getting us to continue to act out again and
again.
-
We recognized that will power
alone, is not effective in dealing with the
complex problem of sex addiction.
-
We cannot think our way out, we
need to act
our way into a new pattern of
thinking.
-
Powerless does not mean helpless.
-
Powerless is never an
excuse to continue.
-
We are responsible for
our recovery.
-
Determination is
completely up to us.
Let me explain
what the 12-Steps mean by it being a disease: If a
cucumber falls into brine and you take it out right
away, you can just wash it off and it will be a
cucumber again. But if it sits in the brine for a
little longer - it will become a pickle, and nothing
you can ever do will make it a cucumber again. It's
the same with this addiction. Someone who fell once
or twice out of curiosity can be washed off and get
out of it. But once a person has sunk his mind into
this stuff for years, and he has trained himself to
use lust as an escape mechanism from life whenever feeling R.I.D (Restlessness,
Irritability, Discontent) and he has trained his
mind to be triggered by everything he sees, this
person develops an "allergy" to lust that never
really goes away. What that simply means is, that
for the rest of his life, he knows that he can not
take even the first sip of lust, because if he does,
he can easily lose control. His acting out all these
years burned neuron pathways into his brain by
"conditioning" himself to be aroused by everything
he saw.
And this is a proven condition as well. A big
psychiatrist (who doesn't even know much about the
12-Steps) once explained to me that an addict
develops a medical condition known as "hyper-sexuality"
by conditioning himself over time to react to
triggers and get aroused. He explained to me that
this condition can be tested by special sensors
which show how an addict's dopamine levels spike
high on the chart from the slightest triggers.
What the psychiatrist calls "hyper-sexuality" is
what the 12-Steppers call an "allergy".
Knowing that one has this condition doesn't absolve
him of anything. (After all, he is the
one who sat in the brine all these years and became
a pickle!) It's just called "getting honest about
the facts about ourselves". And the reason why that
is so important for an addict, is because once he
knows that he has this condition (and that he is
allergic to lust like someone who is allergic to
peanuts), he changes his entire attitude in the
following three ways:
1) He stops trying to "test" lust and see if he can
maybe "lust a little", like most people can... He
knows that he simply needs to stay away from lust
completely and not let it in at all - because once
he allows himself to "struggle" with it, he'll fall.
2) Also, he stops wallowing in guilt and realizes
for a change that he is not someone "bad" who needs
to become "good", but rather he is simply "ill" and
needs to get "better". When attacked by lust he
simply says to himself, "well I'm an addict after
all, there I go again!", and he surrenders the
lust to G-d - knowing that he can't afford to even
battle with it at all.
3) Instead of "fighting it" and losing, like he
always did for years, he changes his focus to simply
doing G-d's will for him today, to the best of his
ability. Instead of viewing it as a valiant
"struggle" of good over evil, he begins to look at
lust as simply a distraction from doing G-d's
will, and he asks G-d humbly to remove it from him
so he can continue to live for G-d and not for
himself.
This is a beautiful
and proven approach that has worked for millions of
people around the world to find freedom from their
addictions, be it alcohol, drugs, lust, or others. |
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Testimonial of the Day
What Makes us Great
By RATM (Rage At The Machine)
What is it that I, Silentbattle,
Tomim, Trying and Momo have in common? What makes
them so important to me? Why do I love them?
We are so very different in so many ways... What
makes GYE-ers great is not that we all share common
backgrounds, common hashkafa, common sense of
humor, common taste in food or music, or common
likes or dislikes... In fact, that is what
distinguishes us from all the other forums on this
Great and (un)Holy internet... We're not here
because we all like the Pittsburgh Steelers, are all
members of the Church of Latter-day saints, all want
to learn Chinese, like funny pictures of cats, or
interested in finding bass notes for punk rock
covers...
What makes GYE great is that we are all so different
AND YET we are all battling together... What gives
me strength is that I stand on the front lines and
look at the people standing next to me - from all
walks of life... All of you here decided: enough
is enough! We will not surrender to this
disease.... And because we are so different, we can
present so many new ideas to each other; ideas that
- having spent so much time around people that think
like we do - we were never able to see
before...
So thank you all for being different... Please do
not change anything about you... Don't think like I
think, don't hate who I hate and don't love who I
love... Just be you.
And thank you for joining me in this revolution...
We will overcome!
Viva La Revolucion! |
|
|
675. |
Tuesday ~ 19 Teves, 5770 ~ January 5, 2010 |
|
In Today's Issue
-
12-Step Group Ends Cycle:
Duvid Chaim Sums up the Lessons Learned
-
Q & A of the Day:
I'm not a real addict, am I?
-
Link of the Day:
The Second GYE Kumzitz
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Duvid Chaim's Anonymous 12-Step
phone group
finishes
another 3 month voyage through the 12-Steps.
Please read what Duvid Chaim wrote to his group
today, as his 3 month voyage came to a close. What
he writes here can shed a lot of light on the great
lessons that we can learn from the Big-Book - and
especially by joining Duvid Chaim on his new
conference group that will be starting the cycle
again, G-d willing, in February.
Chevra,
Maybe you heard it in my voice today at the end of
our last Call (for now). And if we would have been
on a Skype video conference call, you would have
seen it. What am I talking about? - The tears that
fell from my eyes...
And while there may have been others shedding a tear
as our Journey comes to an end - in fact it was not
an end BUT
A NEW BEGINNING for us.
A New Beginning that includes:
*
Building the Awareness of our Perceptions & Motives...
*
Finally, taking the opportunity to Talk, to Trust, to
Feel...
*
Creating a New Attitude...
*
Building a New Relationship with G-d...
*
Discovering the Obstacle in our Path...
*
Making good choices through the "Glasses" you wear as
you look at life...
*
Making Amends, and forging authentic Relationships...
*
Striving not only for Emes - but
also to be Emes...
* Living in Honesty, Humility and
Fearlessness...
So welcome to your NEW LIFE, one that energizes you
as you wake up every morning (no matter how many
hours you slept). One that takes your breath away
and keeps you coming back for more. Welcome to a
life that may not always be rosy - but it's your
life and you know the Author and you proudly
proclaim "Heneini" as
He calls out your name and Directs you to Front and
Center Stage.
No longer are you resentful, fearful or jealous of
the other actors on the stage. You come to
appreciate that they too have their part to play.
And how lucky you are that this
is your time on stage. And that the
Author knows not only what's best for you, but also
best for His Universe. And you're more than ready
to do your part - finding yourself eager and excited
about being of service, being able to help others
and feeling others' pain and struggle.
And why can you feel their pain? Because you've
been there and you've done that. And no longer does
your sometimes ugly and tormented past haunt you.
Instead, you can now honor your past - you can give
it meaning and purpose. And you finally realize that
it is precisely BECAUSE of your past that you have
so much to offer the Universe.
Now, you can know true love, because you can feel
love.
And nobody, and no-one can take it away from you.
This Journey has been your Journey. You have
acquired it. And you finally see that you are
priceless!
Just look inside yourself right now. Peel away the
layers - like an onion.
Peel away the lust...
Peel away the R.I.D (Restlessness, Irritability,
Discontent)...
Peel away the EGO..
And welcome to You, the new You, the one that is connected to THE ONE!!!
Mazel Tov, my Crew. My Graduates. My new found
friends.
Until we meet again, I am - as always - LOOKING FORWARD,
Duvid Chaim |
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q & A
of the Day
I'm Not a Real Addict, Am I?
Gabe writes for the first time on the forum:
Hi everyone,
This is my introductory post to the
forum and beginning of my 90 day journey to sobriety
and freedom from this terrible aveirah which
has controlled me for far too long.
I first stumbled upon this site just two days ago. I
was reading
this article on vosizneias.com about how a
husband's porn addiction was tormenting his wife,
and I happened to notice that someone mentioned
this website in one of the comments at the bottom of
the story. I Googled it and have to say that I was
amazed by the amount of content and tools available.
I was further amazed by this fabulous community,
which is full of caring ovdei Hashem who
support one another and are committed to overcoming
their y"h and becoming better people and Jews. It
really is an inspiration.
I have downloaded both of the handbooks and have
already almost completed my first reading of the
handbook. I have also signed up for the daily chizuk
emails and just requested a license for the filter
from the
filter gabbai.
I feel that some of the handbook is probably not for
me because I'm not a real "lust addict", am I?
Thank you all for reading this post and G-d bless.
May we all benefit to succeed in our endeavors.
Yours,
Gabe.
Steve, a graduate of
Duvid Chaim's 12-Step phone conference (see
above) replies to Gabe:
Hi Gabe,
I'm gonna start out
with the strong stuff, my friend, cuz you just gotta
understand this yesod:
How do we define an
addiction? An addiction is when you KNOW it's the
wrong behavior; you see clearly how it's hurting
you, and how it is - or will - ruin your
life, but regardless, YOU STILL CAN'T STOP. Look at
your words above. They remind me of the smoker who
says, "I can quit smoking anytime I want - I've
quit 5 times already...!"
You must understand
that you ARE an addict; a LUST addict.
And we can not truly
"control" this addiction. That's the definition of
an addiction - it's out of our control. Once we
start an act on lust, once we give in once, we can
not pull out until we fall steeply. Do you not
agree? Think of the addiction as an allergy. You
have developed a sensitivity that is beyond your
control. Like someone who is allergic to peanut
butter, if you take that one small drop of peanut
butter on your tongue, your throat will close up and
you'll stop breathing. It doesn't matter how many
years you've waited in-between exposures. One small
taste and you're in mortal peril. What we are
allergic to is poison for us, and like a heroin
addiction, we crave it even though we know it's
gonna kill us, cuz we think we can can control it
and stop 'one day'.
BUT THAT DOESN'T MEAN
THERE IS NO HOPE! We are not doomed. WE CAN
BECOME FREE FROM THE DESIRE TO LUST. That's right.
You can get to a place where you will no longer have
the desire to lust ever again. Like the Yetzer Hara
to eat a trief steak, which you do not have
because it is below your "bechira point" in
life, you can do the same for your Yetzer Hara for
Lust. You can move on from it.
On this site you will
find more than just chizuk to stay clean, my friend.
You will find the challenge to explore WHY you got
this way, why we all get this way, what our real
driving motivations and fears are that lead us to
WANT to LUST.
Feel inside yourself.
Do you have a craving, a deep desire to lust, and to
be lusted after? Did we not watch the P**n clips
because we were projecting ourselves into the movie?
Why? Be honest. Were we not seeking some sense of
power or control? Or were we looking to numb
ourselves from facing some uncomfortable realities
in our lives? And even if you'll say you do it out
of boredom, isolation or curiosity, I ask you to
look inside yourself. Why are you "bored?" What's
missing? Why are you in "isolation?" Who's
missing? What are you "curious" about? Is not
SOMETHING else in life more intriguing?
When you can answer
those questions HONESTLY, then and only then
can you get at the root of the reason for WHY you
lust. Only then can you make positive steps to MOVE
FORWARD toward getting those things that you are
missing in a MEANINGFUL AND SPIRITUAL WAY. And when
you are on THAT road, my dear friend, you'll never
have to fear your peanut butter again, because you
will be living a life of such profound meaning, one
in which you will find all the excitement,
adventure, and fulfillment you could have ever
wanted.
All the excuses, the
thinking, "OK, IT'S JUST A BATHING SUIT PICTURE,
IT'S SAFER." which ends up dragging us further down
into worse images, etc. And even without the
internet, the provocatively dressed women you just
pass on the street are potential triggers as well.
You can - and should - do all you can
to avoid triggers. But that is not the
final ticket to freedom from lust. We need a system
to avoid what the triggers do to us.
And the secret to
THAT, my friend, can be found in an anonymous
12-Step Program,
several of which you can find through this site.
I'm sure they are all excellent, but I have just
finished one with
Duvid Chaim, and I can recommend him very
highly. He is amazing, and SO good at what he does.
He's starting another one in February, so look into
them and see if you can join. YOU WILL NOT REGRET
IT.
Meanwhile, keep up
the good work!! Daven for help, and call out here
for chizuk any time.
Hatzlacha rabbah!!!
Steve. |
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Link
of the Day
The Second GYE Kumzitz
The
recording from the second GYE kumzitz is
ready for your downloading pleasure over
here.
See Chizuk e-mail
#669 (on
this page) for more details about this amazing
Kumzitz.
To find out when the
next Kumzitz will be in Israel, contact
imtrying25@gmail.com |
|
|
676. |
Wednesday ~ 20 Teves, 5770 ~ January 6, 2010 |
|
In Today's Issue
-
Attitude Tip of the Day:
The Powerlessness of an Addict
-
12-Step Attitude:
"I'm Only Something If I am
Nothing"
-
Testimonial of the Day:
"Thank you everybody on GYE
for changing my life"
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Attitude Tip of the Day
The Powerlessness of an Addict
A nice post from "Bardichev" on
the forum:
Powerlessness is what the balei mussar call
destroying the "Anochi"; the "self".
The Chassidishe seforim call it "being
batul u'mevutal to the ohr ayn sof"
But being powerless does not make you one iota
less responsible for your actions.
Being powerless does not mean helpless.
My zayda says in Kedushas Levy that we need
to realize that we are nothing at all, but..
still... Hakadosh Boruch Hu only has nachas ruach
from little me and little you!
Powerlessness is a paradigm shift in how a person
looks at himself.
It's simply the recognition that "I can't do it
alone".
If a person wants to do it alone because of his EGO,
that person is toast!!
Why?
Because today Mr. Anochi wants to be the "shayner
yid", the "shoimer aynayim", but tomorrow
Mr. Anochi has new more powerful desires,
like the need for shmutz! |
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
12-Step Attitude
"I'm Only Something If I am Nothing"
Yosef shares some beautiful posts on the forum:
Hi. I am new to this forum. I
recently slipped (33 days ago) after a clean streak
of about 400 and something days. It was through this
forum that I managed not slip again. I found it
helpful to find people from the forum to speak to on
the phone. There are many very selfless people to be
found here.
What made me slip after close to a year and 5
months? More than anything, it was that I was
feeling strong and confident in my sobriety (which
was really much more fragile than I knew). It
happened when I ventured out of my "comfortable"
Daled Amos. I didn't realize how unprepared I
was to be away from my wife and my regular everyday
routine. Man - I got clobbered, and the paper tiger
was torn to shreds. You wouldn't believe, or maybe
you will, how fast the obsession came back - and it
was much much worse than I ever remembered it to be.
I went to an SA meeting (where I was staying) and an
old timer shared that he has been sober for 21 years
and yet he knows that his disease has worsened
during this time. I wondered, how could this
happen? How does he even know this, if
he's been clean all this time? But since my slip, I
think I can understand it now, at least a little bit
on my level.
Something that that old timer said (he looks well
into his 70's!) just resonated for me with real
truth. He said that he still fantasizes, at times,
about how quickly his sobriety would plummet (and
even turn suicidal) if he had "a hotel room and a
lot of time to use it". Something in me started
to believe him. So,
I started asking other guys with long-term sobriety
about this idea that the disease worsens, even after
so many years of being clean. They all agreed that
it did.
You and I, together with lust addicts everywhere,
should merit to learn from those who have so much
more experience than we do in coping with this
tricky illness.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Whether you want to think of sex
addiction as Dov calls it, a "progressive" illness,
or as Guard calls it, an illness that renders us
increasingly "sensitive" albeit vulnerable to sexual
stimuli, the phenomena exists and
needs to be dealt with. If I can't accept, as Dov
says, that this is a progressive and (potentially)
fatal disease, then what am I to think when saying:
"G-d, grant me the serenity to accept what I cannot
change..."
When I fell 36 days ago, it wasn't only that smaller
amounts of the same stuff made me crazy, it was also
that I thought nothing of venturing into far riskier
territory - in fact, I felt compelled to.
Afterward, I thought, "oh, this is just me
again... my unique craziness" - until I shared
my experience with other addicts who are clearly
greater than I am in wisdom. Sharing at a
face-to-face SA group and over the phone with people
was tremendously
comforting and
healing for me. It wasn't scary to have my
experience validated and corroborated. On the
contrary, it was normalizing
and reassuring. I need to
know the reality of my illness, because that is my
greatest protection against this happening again. My
greatest weapon against a "nuclear meltdown" at age
70, is ACCEPTANCE and SURRENDER to the reality of my
illness NOW - as opposed to denying it. My
illness just gets fat on nutrients like denial,
rationalization, dishonestly, self-will, anger, and
all my other defects.
The fall was B"H good for me, in a sense. I have
had, as Guard and Dov both mentioned, a
re-connection with Hashem. But what I think is
helping me even more right now is a new appreciation
for why people who have been sober much longer than
myself are more frightened than I am to act out.
I doubt that even people with a lot of sobriety
would have taken the risk that I did, because
they've already been through this learning
experience and they understand the stakes a lot
better than I do. I guess Hashem knew that my
"bottom" (as in "hitting bottom") needed to be
lowered a bit for me to take this more seriously.
Halavei I should redo the sixth step where we
ask ourselves if we are "entirely ready
for Hashem to remove these defects of character". I
certainly was not entirely ready, and I'm still not
entirely ready - but I am more ready than before. I
have the chance now for a more solid sobriety, not
just in days, but in quality. I know a little better
now hopefully, what powerlessness really means. I
have no weapons of my own to fight this. I can only
merit to be mekabel the light of Chochmah
and Sechel through restriction and
contraction of my "intelligence, will, strength and
power". The negation of these illusions are what
gives us the Ultimate power, i.e. the power of
Hashem. I'm only something when I realize that
I'm nothing.
Isn't that the good old Jewish way? Becharvi
Ubekashti, says Onkelos and Rashi,
don't mean with my sword and bow, they mean with
Tefilla! And the same idea is expressed in Telhillim:
"For I trust not in my bow, nor shall my sword
save me, but rather in those who praise the Lord all
day long". |
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Testimonial of the Day
"Thank you everybody here on GYE for changing my
life"
By Jeff
Till the age of 18 I was masturbating and viewing
porn 5-6 times a day. I had no idea what I was even
doing to myself, I never thought it was that bad. By
18 I came to realize the severity of my actions and
I got on the roller coaster of Teshuva and
depression.
I got married at 20 and I thought my troubles were
over. For the first 6 months of marriage I had no
falls. Then we got high speed Internet and slowly
but surely I slipped right back into the web. My
marriage overall is good, but there were many issues
that were directly related to my struggle (although
my wife has no idea) and whenever I fell, my
shalom bayis fell right with it.
Before I found GYE I was actually moving in the
right direction, armed with "The
Garden of Emunah" and a fierce determination. I
was managing 3 week stretches of being clean, but I
was still lacking something and every fall always
triggered huge depressions. It felt like the longer
I was clean, the worse the depression. Then Hashem
sent me GYE and my life hasn't been the same since.
I started reading the daily chizuk e-mails about 9
weeks ago and I've been reading and applying the
handbooks, and the struggle is not the same anymore.
I think, for me, the best information was in how to
view myself as an "addict" and how to stop the
depression after a fall. I am now B"H 6 weeks clean
from porn and masturbation, and while I still have
some tough struggles, my defenses are stronger then
ever. Thank you everybody here on GYE for changing
my life. |
|
|
677. |
Thursday ~ 21 Teves, 5770 ~ January 7, 2010 |
|
In Today's Issue
-
12-Step Attitude:
"Pride told me that I was
somehow different"
-
Q&A of the day:"Can I not be Shomer Negia
for the purpose of marriage?"
-
Parable of the Day:
The Red Button
-
Attitude Tip of the Day: The Yetzer Hara's Most
Successful Tactic
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
12-Step Attitude
"Pride told me that I was somehow different"
Yesterday we brought some great posts from Yosef.
Here's another beautiful post on the forum from him:
While I can't say that I'm grateful for my recent fall (after a
long clean streak), I am grateful that I have come
to see that I
really wasn't getting the program. Someone with 25 years clean told me that "MY" program was not
working for me. (Le'mashal - doctors do not
self-diagnose and treat themselves. They go to
another doctor, no matter how "smart" they are).
What was "my"
program?
Well I was basically doing
online SA meetings with an SA phone sponsor. He
told me to read the Dr's opinion in the
AA Big Book over and over and to study the
critically important concepts of: Tolerance, and
Toxicity (pgs. 30 & 32 in the
SA White Book). He told me that because I did
not fully understand these and other concepts such
as trigger mechanisms (p. 33 SA) that I wasn't truly
sober even during my 1 year and 5 months. I think he
is right.
I was abstinent but I had not make a real deep commitment to
stop fantasizing, putting
a filter on my computer, not dipping into
memories or guarding my eyes. I continued to feed
the addiction and glossed over the day-to-day work
on making a "progressive victory over lust",
as they say in SA. My friend told me that I was
fooling myself if I thought that I didn't need
face-to-face meetings, and that the relinquishment
of pride that would be required for me to attend
would be my greatest gain. You see, Pride told me
that I was somehow different than the rest of you
guys, that I could cut the corners and get away with
stuff. Like an alcoholic that stores a few bottles
away for that rainy day. My brain neurons are loaded
with bottles in the form of memories and fantasies,
and as we know, there are no shortage of "hits" that
we can take from the external world around us.
So now, lets see what I'm really made of. Will I finally
realize how sick I really am and be willing to go
much deeper into my brain and be more honest with
myself about the junk that I'm thinking about? It
says on p. 32 of the SA white book:
"In sobriety, once we have withdrawn from lust and then let it
back in, the toxic effect is felt immediately and
strongly. We can tolerate less of it than ever, and
it produces a greater disturbance. Our sexaholism
doesn't stand still; it progressively worsens."
Will I go to face-to-face meetings? You see I'm still not there
yet. I'm still "bargaining with disaster". Am I
really willing to go to any lengths to have a true
Spirtual Awakening (not just intellectually). What
will it take for me to join with those who really
"believe in themselves and the Power that pulls
chronic Alcoholics (lustaholics) back from the gates
of death"? (Big Book, The Doctor's Opinion, p. 25.)
Thank you for letting
me share,
Yosef (a gratefully
recovering sex-addict) |
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q & A
of the Day
"Can I not be Shomer Negiyah for the purpose
of marriage?"
Click here
Great links, articles and quotes! |
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Parable of the Day
The Red Button
Posted by "Kollel Guy"
R' Shimshon Pincus gives a beautiful mashal on the
subject of trials that we feel are too strong for
us.
One time a doctor was given the task of
managing an entire wing of a hospital. He was to
asses each situation, and see to it that each
patient gets proper attention.
The instructions
given to him were as follows: "Usually there will be
enough time for you to be able to juggle all the
patients yourself. Occasionally though, we have more
than expected. You will have to make that judgment
though... In the event that there are too many for
you to handle - push this red button, and we will
send you more doctors to assist you".
So he starts his job
and all is going very well, until one day the
patient number starts increasing. He starts working
harder, and more quickly, until he is literally
running through the corridors of the hospital just
trying to get to the next patient in time. This
keeps up for a while, but as time went on, the work
ultimately got too much for him, and he wasn't
making it to the patients quickly enough.
Eventually, a few of
them didn't make it, and the families sued the
hospital, who naturally then went and brought him to
court.
In court, the judge
asked him to explain his negligence, to which he
replied frustrated "In the beginning, when there
were a normal amount of patients - I did get to
everyone in time! It was only after the number flew
so high, that it was literally impossible for one
doctor - no matter how quick, efficient or
responsible he might be - to take care of all of
them, that I started losing them! How can you call
me negligent? I was doing my absolute best!! You
should have seen how fast I was running from room to
room! I didn't even give myself time to breath! I
never exerted so much effort in my entire life!!"
The judge then asked
him the obvious question "If you saw it was too
difficult for you, why didn't you push the red
button?"
Sometimes when the
tests become too hard for us to handle, it doesn't
help to just "try harder". Instead, we need to push
the red button and bring in help from a power
greater than ourselves. We need to call out
and say, "Tatty, please help me! Save me from
lust, I can't deal with it! Help me focus on doing
your will, not mine. Help me be useful to you
today!" |
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Attitude Tip of the Day
The Yetzer Hara's Most Successful Tactic
"Me3" posts on
the forum:
With me, the YH's most successful
tactic is
when he makes me feel tired of fighting...
Not interested in battling...
Just want to give in.
He says:
"Enough already...
Block out all those thoughts of chizuk...
They are old, I heard them already...
They don't motivate me anymore....
Who cares, it's just not worth it anymore....
Just a few minutes, then I'll be fine...."
There's only one way to beat him.
You have to look him in the eye
And say:
"I know what you're trying to do.
It aint going to work.
You can disguise yourself in any shape...
any form...
any emotion...
any lack of emotion...
But I'm there...
And I know it's you,
AND I'M NOT FALLING FOR IT!!!!!"
But this has to come from within us,
we need to fight from within... |
|
|
678. |
Friday ~ 22 Teves, 5770 ~ January 8, 2010
Erev Shabbos Parshas Shemos |
|
In Today's Issue
-
Daily Dose of Dov:
"Light doesn't leak out of a
broken K'li"
-
Parsha Thought Shemos:
Will you investigate Hashem's Messages?
-
Parable of the Day:
The Bumps on the Side of the
Road
-
Attitude Tip of the Day: Our Past Falls Can Bring us
to True Emunah
-
Q & A of the Day: "How do I get to "Love (vs."Lust")
in my marriage?
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Daily
Dose of Dov
Dov is sober in SA for over 10 years
"Light doesn't leak out of a broken k'li"
I am a broken k'li. I used to be molei
busha uch'limah (filled with shame and
embarrassment) while acting out.
In recovery, I have come to see that I am a k'li
sh'vurah (a broken vessel).
That's when all my busha and ch'lima
leaked out.
Now I'm empty.
Only Hashem can fill me with his Light now.
And light does not leak out of a broken k'li.
And as long as I remember that I'm cracked, it'll
stay empty of the busha and leave room for
His Light.
B"H shelo asani oved!!!
Love you and wish you a great Shabbos!
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Parsha
Thought: Shemos
Will you Investigate Hashem's Messages?
Posted by "G38"
I noted an interesting point while learning the
sedra.
Hashem showed Moshe
Rabeinu the bush burning, nothing more, and Moshe
could have easily shrugged his shoulders and
continued. Only after Moshe went off his path to
investigate, did Hashem speak to him.
Hashem sends us
hidden messages sometimes, and only if we bother to
investigate more can we take advantage of those
revelations.
All of us who by some
way or another stumbled upon GYE and investigated
further, are bound to see clear guidance from
heaven. May it just be easy.
Good Shabbos! |
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Parable of the Day
The Bumps on the Side of the Road
Posted by "Yiddle"
We sometimes need "bumps" in life to
wake us up. As
Duvid Chaim once shared, imagine if they didn't
have those bumps on the shoulder of the highway! You
could swerve off and never not realize it. I was
once driving, fell asleep at the wheel and woke up
because of the bumps on the shoulder of the
highway!! The bumps are there to wake us up.
Would you look back at the bumps on the highway and
say: "My gosh, what a waste of money by the
city!"? |
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Attitude Tip of the Day
Our Past Falls Can Bring Us to True Emunah
"Me" posts on
the forum to Jeff (who we quoted in e-mail #676)
Hi Jeff, you mentioned that before you found GYE you
were "moving in the right
direction - armed with
The Garden of Emunah", but that
it wasn't enough on its own to
prevent you from getting depressed after a fall...
Did you see in this holy sefer (that has sold over 1
million copies), where Rav Shalom Arush says:
"When you are faced with a struggle of
the Yetzer or whatever.... before you fall, you must
know that you are obligated to do anything
and everything possible
NOT to fall (as the Torah commands us)... This is
before the fact.But, after you have fallen, then you
must attribute it to "min
hashamayim", they wanted me to fall... it was for my own good. This will
help to remove the yetzer's, "you're no good, look
what you did ..... etc, which will eventually lead
to anxiety, sadness, and the depression which will
once again lead to the next fall."
How can it be, you will ask yourself,:
that I fell, I did an aveira,, and it was planned in
shamayim?! Answer: Through Hashem's love for us, he
sees what we cannot. It could be that this fall will
actually help us in the future, and will strenghten
us. A "nefeila l'tzurich Aliya". Or,
sometimes a person thinks they are very righteous,
and so as a chessed he is thrown down. This
will give him some of the anievus that he
needs.
For someone to berate himself, and say,
"how could I have fallen? Look at me, how could I
have done such a thing?" Well, we MUST say this
BEFORE we fall, i.e. (How can I DO such a
thing?.....) But, if nonetheless, we fell, then, it
is GAIVA to say to myself, "how can I have
fallen?". Do we hold ourselves to be such great
Tzadikim that we can't/won't fall? EVERYONE,
including Gedolim fall.
------------------------------------------
Jeff responds:
Thanks "Me", I did notice
this, but until I started with GYE and saw that
real people were struggling with what I was and
they were fighting off the depression, it was all
very theoretical - and I even found myself arguing
this point (of Rav Arush). GYE is what gave me the
strength to take the lesson and apply it to
my life. My current 6 weeks clean is only thanks to
my last fall after I found GYE, and for the first
time picked myself up immediately and started again
without depression.
------------------------------------------
"Me" Responds:
Unfortunately, what you wrote and experienced (that it was all
"theoretical") is perhaps the global
chisaron that many of us "frum Yidden" have
today. Often, everything that we practice and are
still learning, Torah, middos, hanhagos
tovos, etc. seem to stay at the "theoretical"
level. This is why Rav Shalom wrote this sefer.
When you read the sefer, you see clearly that even
the Emunah P'shuta is far, far away from us.
We have not been living this way, even though we
learned about it in Yeshiva...
We here at GYE, MUST put the "theoretical" into "action". There
is no other way for us to succeed. AND, if we are
successful in doing this, then we can see that our
falls were all for our good in the end. For
hopefully they will have brought us to true
Emunah, B'poel - L'maaseh! |
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q & A
of the Day
How do I get to "Love" (vs. "Lust") in my marriage?
"YishuvHadaas" asks on
the forum
I've seen various mentions on GYE about the difference
between lust and love. One person mentioned that
lust is Hashem's tool for encouraging marriage, but
after marriage, lust should be relegated to the side
and be replaced by true love.
After 2 1/2 decades of marriage - I don't think I
have ever gotten beyond lust. I would be very
interested in hearing any practical advice for how
to start moving in this direction. Sometimes I see
someone with a very unattractive wife (maybe she's
very heavy) and I sense that they have a good
marriage. I marvel at how they can have a good
sexual relationship - because I don't think I could
do that if my wife became very unattractive. This
type of situation reveals to me how far I remain on
the "lust" side of the equation - and I very much
want to move to the "love" side of the equation. Is
that possible?? Doesn't there always have to be - at
least to some extent - the lust factor??
------------------------------------------
We replied:
On this
page (at the bottom) you'll find a few great
links from "Dov" to answer this question... I
particularly suggest reading the piece called
"currency of marriage".
------------------------------------------
After reading some of the links, "YishuvHadaas"
responds:
Thanks for the reply and links. I see that often it
boils down to the "me centered" world of
selfishness. Lust is pure selfishness; doing or
fantasizing about doing for the self. Our society
promotes the self.
I will try to do for my wife without doing it just
because it is my obligation (which unfortunately I
think has been my motivation over these years). When
obligated, or when I feel obligated, or when I feel
if I don't do I'll be "punished" by her reaction,
then I do. It's hard to break away from the "self"
after all these years.
B"H - we have had a good marriage, well - certainly
not bad, (maybe just "very functional"?) It for sure
could be much better - and I could cry from thinking
about all the years of "just going through the
motions." HaShem wants - and has designed the
universe - for our relationships with our wives to
be intensely beautiful. Being on GYE has brought
this concept anew before me - and has caused me to
again believe that it can be accomplished. Life is
too short to have an "automatic pilot" marriage.
After almost 25 years - I was sort of resigned to
living and dying - and leaving it at that. How often
have I mentioned to others that our wives are a
reflection of how we treat them? How often have I
rationalized not following my own advice?
I will, bli neder, try to take the leap away from my
"self" towards my wife.
Thanks for letting me write this out - it need it
:-) |
|
|
679. |
Sunday ~ 24 Teves, 5770 ~ January 10, 2010 |
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
24 Teves:
Rav Dessler's Yartziet
Rav Dessler is one of the the most quoted Gedolim on
our forum. So many things that he writes pertain to
our struggle with the Yetzer Hara.
Here are a few posts from
the forum:
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The Michtav M'Eliahu (R. Dessler zt"l) writes that the mind is
like a vast empty field. This field will not remain
empty. If you do not fill it with good positive
thoughts or busy yourself with something, whether it
be learning, working, etc, the yetzer harah will
surely fill all of this empty space.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Rav Dessler writes in his Michtav Eliyahu that when people
create goals for themselves, it is of utmost
importance that they create two opposite goals. One
goal is for aiming to reach further top. The other
goal is for a RED LINE, not to reach below it. In
other words, one needs a "range"; not to fall below
a certain rung and to try reaching a certain height.
This will ensure, Rav Dessler explains, that just
because a person didn't reach the height he set out
for, it is a lot less likely that he will give up.
Why? Because he DID accomplish another goal of his,
namely by not falling beyond the lower goal of a red
line!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
R Dessler ZT"L explains that whereas we know that
one is always influenced by his surroundings,
however, if he succeeds in going against the tide,
then the environment has the opposite effect
on him.
Esav resisted the influence of Yitzchak and Rivka
and became the epitome of evil. Ovadia resisted the
influence of Achav and Ezevel and thereby elevated
himself tremendously.
This made me think that even though being exposed to
certain Yetzer Haras is dangerous - and we don't
want them, however, if we are confronted by them and
resist, we can reach much higher Madreigos!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Yakov_Shwartz writes:
Rav Dessler writes (pt 5, page 23): "The greatest
revelation of G-d is in the most private places.
Through privacy and secrecy comes revelation. When a
tzadik is tested, and especially in private areas of
his life and eventually succeeds, he is bringing
down kavod shamyim to the world."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Mevakesh" wrote:
Chaza"l say that when one says Krias Shema he should
gaze at his Tzitzis. Seeing his Tzitzis (which were
blue from Techeiles in the time of Chazal) will make
him think of the sky, which is blue, and thinking
of the blue sky will lead to thoughts of Hashem who
made the sky, which will lead to thoughts of serving
Hashem, etc...
Somebody once told Rav Dessler Zt"l that he doesn't
understand the above Chaza"l. Which person, he
asked, when he sees his Tzitzis will have this whole
domino effect in his mind to lead him to think of
Hashem?! That is so far fetched!
Rav Dessler responded: Chaza"l say that one should
not walk behind a woman, as walking behind her will
lead him to think about her, and thus to think about
other women and thus to think of sinning, and
eventually lead him to sin. Asked Rav Dessler, "Can
you identify with that thought process?" When the
man responded in the affirmative, Rav Dessler
explained: A persons thoughts go in the direction
that the person is heading, in the direction that
his heart leads him! If you are a person heading in
the direction of sin, everything you see, hear or
say can easily lead to thoughts of sin! If you are a
person heading in the direction of Hashem, then
everything you see, hear or say can easily lead to
thoughts of Hashem!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Shomer" once posted
on the forum:
Just wanted to share something I saw in the Michtav M'Eliyahu
from Rabbi Dessler z"l.
Chazal tell us that "im
puga buch menuval ze, mashcheyhu l'bais medresh" (If
you encounter this 'mevuval', drag him to the bais
medresh). Rabbi Dessler is medayak in the
lashon of this statement and asks ... why does
it say if you encounter this 'menuval'. It
should say if you encounter the yetzer hara, drag
him to the bais medresh?
Rabbi Dessler goes on
to explain that in order to fight the yetzer hara,
you must first realize that he is a 'menuval'.
Rabbi Dessler elaborates that the yetzer is "oseh
meseh nivlus" (performs actions of nivlus). The
yetzer promises a person that he will bring them
satisfaction and contentment, but leaves them only
with sorrow and despair. There is no bigger Nivlus than
that.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Steve" writes to a
newcomer:
I can tell from your
story that you have an amazing inner strength, just
waiting to be proven to yourself. Hashem has
answered your tefillos and brought you to this site,
the one place on earth that is filled with friends
that are going to help you achieve FREEDOM from the
urge to lust. Do you have a teivah to turn on
a light switch on Shabbos? No? That's because it is
beneath your "bechira point" as Rav Dessler
would say. Would you believe me if I told you that
you can get to a place where the urge to Lust and
Act Out would fall back beneath your bechira
point just like those other aveiros that
don't even touch you? It's TRUE!! THAT'S the FREEDOM
you will hopefully find through GYE and the
12-Steps.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Eye.nonymous"
writes:
Rav Dessler says:
We don't give to someone because we love them; we
love them because we give to them. (In fact
the word "Ahava" comes from the root "Hav" which
means to give!)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Ovadia" writes:
The Navi Zecharia
prophesied that when Moshiach comes there will be a
great Hesped (according to some, this will be for
the death of Mashiach Ben Yosef, while others say
that this will be for the demise of the Satan/Yetzer
Hora who will be killed by HaShem). The Pasuk tells
us that at this Hesped the men and women will be
seated separately. Rashi stresses that this is in
the atmosphere of a Hesped, where one is certainly
not lightheaded, and at a time when the Y"H will
have been eradicated, and yet it will
still be necessary for a separation between
men and women, for fear that people will "fall". Rav
Dessler ZT"L says that from here we see that once a
person has been exposed to a particular Y"H, he is
forever more prone to be triggered by that Y"H even
if he has worked on himself and done complete
Teshuva, and the ONLY thing that can help is a
Mechitza (or a filter).
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Kedusha" writes:
I saw this quote from
Rav Dessler in a
great article by Dr. Benzion Sorotzkin about the
Psychological factors in sexual acting out: "Hashem
gave the Yetzer Horah the power to create illusions
that resist the lessons of experience."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Trying" writes:
In the Michtav
Me'eliyahu, Rav Dessler says that the true
separation of the shechinah from the Jewish
people is not demonstrated by the ruin of the
Beis Hamikdosh. The destruction was only a
symptom and sign of the fact that the Jewish
people had already severed the connection to
Hakodosh Baruch Hu in their hearts.
He writes that
recognition of Hashem in a person's heart is the
definition of Hashem dwelling amongst Klal yisroel.
It says "V'shachanti besocham - and I shall
dwell in their midst". "besocham" means
"within them" - within each and every individual
Yid.
There can be a
severance of connection, a galus of the
Shechinah, from each individual Jew, and also a
galus of the shechinah from the entire
Jewish people... c"v. When this state spreads
throughout the nation, then there is a churban.
This is the churban
that we should be crying for.
He goes on to say; If
someone feels pain due to his lack of attachment to
Hashem, and the pain is so profound that it brings
him to tears, then he has already achieved a
re-attachment between himself and HaKadosh Baruch
Hu.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
This e-mail is Le'Ilui Nishmas Miriam Breindel Bas
Menachem, whose Yartzeit is also 24 Teves. |
|
|
680. |
Monday ~ 25 Teves, 5770 ~ January 11, 2010 |
|
In Today's Issue
-
Announcement:
Separating the Men's & Women's
Forums
-
Daily Dose of Dov: A Hug From Hashem
-
Poem of the Day:
Lessons of Failure
-
Link of the Day: Download this Book on Breaking P**n
Addiction
-
Q & A of the Day: "Do things really change
after 90 Days?"
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Announcement
Separating the Men's & Women's Forums
Until today, the men and women on our
forums were able to post on each other's forums and
exchange Chizuk. This was always done in the
most modest way, and no one ever posted anything
"triggering" to the other gender. Unfortunately
however, something happened recently that caused us
to reconsider this approach. After consulting with
experts, it was decided to completely separate the
men's and women's forums.
If there any any men or women reading this who were
reluctant to join our forum until today because of
the mixing of genders, PLEASE JOIN US NOW. (Click
here
to sign up). We especially need more "women"
to join the women's forum, as it is still relatively
small.
After announcing the change on the "Announcement
Board", some of the women who had been
exchanging chizuk with the men for many
months wrote "Goodbye" to the men that they
had been getting so much chizuk from (and
sharing chizuk with).
"Letakein" Wrote:
I just wanted to say thank you to all the holy
warriors on GYE
for everything you did for me
for inspiring me
for encouraging me
for making me smile
and laugh
for showing me what
life is really about
for showing me that I
am special
for helping me
uncover the real me
for answering my
calls for help
for caring
for letting me be a
part of the "revolution"
for every smiley and
post that made me feel that I could do it.
You guys are the best
family in the world.
Keep improving and being the best you can be.
I'll be davening for you all.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"TrYing" Wrote:
There is no way I can ever thank all of you who have all single-handedly
changed my life.
This isn't just about Lust addiction.
I've learned to how to climb mountains.
Even straight brick walls.
I learned how to fall gracefully and land in
standing position.
I've learned how to continue "Trucking" despite the
odds.
I learned that Hashem is always here no matter what
we do.
I learned that inside, people aren't all that bad
(even men :-).
They're actually good and kind and oh so pure.
All of you.
I don't care what the world says, but you've shown
me what true avodas Hashem is.
I've learned about real caring and about the
greatness of the human spirit.
Oh yes, and I also learned that no matter how
serious a situation is, a little laughter won't
hurt.
These lessons will
remain with me forever.
Through every journey and bump in the road.
Through every mountain I'll have to climb.
When things are tough
I will remember each "Gevaaaaldig".
Each KUTGW (Keep Up the Good Work).
Each ACE (Another Chizuk E-mail).
KOT (Keep on Trucking).
GTG (Go TrYing Go!)....
And one very important "You are someone special".
They will keep me
going,
and ALL OF YOU will be part of my successes...
You will never be forgotten.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Kollel Guy" Responds:
When I saw these two posts I started to cry.
This is the first time I'm realizing just how
special GYE really is.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Habib613" Wrote:
I'm really going to miss giving and getting chizuk from all of
you.
Thank you all (from the bottom of my
heart) for EVERYTHING.
You all gave me a new lease on life...
Just a couple of reminders:
-
Don't go near triggers with a ten foot pole
-
Don't get depressed
-
Don't be bored
-
Give, give, give!
-
Call for help at the first sign of trouble
-
Be HAPPY :-)
Hatzlacha to all of you.
You will all be in my tefillos.
And thank you R' Guard for always doing what is right.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Steve" writes to the women:
You women are the HANDPICKED ELITE of the NEW GYE WOMEN's
FORUM. YOU are like saplings from the original tree.
You have been transplanted now into a separate soil,
but you have absorbed all you need to be the
foundation and trunk of a new, fully grown giant
redwood of support and strength for Jewish Women
worldwide!! Like Sarah Schenirer, YOU will
branch out and create something unique and feminine,
that will speak to the hearts and minds of all women
who join you.
Hashem has done
this not to punish anyone, but to save many others.
And you have no idea that you have such potential.
BUT YOUR TATTY OBVIOUSLY DOES!
May you be zoche
to see the fruits of your labors blossom quickly, to
have more and more chizuk to strengthen yourselves
and others! |
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Daily
Dose of Dov
Dov is sober in SA for over 10 years
A Hug From Hashem
After I first got sober, I had
nothing to do all night long (when I'd have been out
messing my life up acting out, of course) and just
couldn't get adjusted to actually sleeping at night.
We had a little TV "just for the olympics" at first,
that my sister bought us. To make a long story
short, I watched it for hours each night and
switched addictions, basically.... but at least I
was sober!
Slowly it drove me crazy. I knew that it was a
matter of time before I lost my sobriety over it....
One day, my wife calls me at work
to tell me that the TV had caught fire just
sitting there plugged in, and melted upon itself. It
was dead.
We have not had a TV since...
Shomer p'so'im Hashem, no?
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Poem
of the Day
Lessons of Failure
Posted by "Yechidah"
Failure does not mean I'm a failure;
It does mean I have
not yet succeeded.
Failure does not mean
I have accomplished nothing;
It does mean I have
learned something.
Failure does not mean
I have disgraced;
It does mean I have
dared to try.
Failure does not mean
I don't have it;
It does mean I have
something to do in a different way.
Failure does not mean
I am inferior;
It does mean I am not
perfect.
Failure does not mean
I have wasted my life;
It does mean that I
have an excuse to start over.
Failure does not mean
that I should give up;
It does mean that I
should try harder.
Failure does not mean
that I will never make it;
It does mean that I
need more practice.
Failure does not mean
that you have abandoned me;
It does mean that you
must have a better idea. |
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Link
of the Day
Download this Book on Breaking P**n Addiction
Someone posted on
the forum:
I've just started reading
this book from the webmaster of no-porn.com, and
it's brilliant!!
Here is the download link. |
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q & A
of the Day
Do things really change after 90 days?
"HumanBeing" asks on
the forum
Where is the source of this 90
day "neural pathway change" thing? It seems that
even after 90 Days, so many people still have falls.
"Ano-nymous" Replies:
There is certainly no magic pill, but I can tell you from
experience that even though I have had falls after
90 days (I had a 7 month streak), the battle I have
now is completely different. When I go to the
bathroom, I do what I need to do and that's it. I
don't have a desire to do anything else. Same with
the shower. Once in a rare while, I'll get a sudden
craving while on the computer, and that's where my
falls have come from. However, I can testify that
putting a large amount of time between me and the
addiction has had a tremendous freeing effect
on me. I'm still not perfect, but no one is. It's
all about progress. And when I look back over the
last year and some, I see a tremendous amount of
that. |
|
|
681. |
Tuesday ~ 26 Teves, 5770 ~ January 12, 2010 |
|
In Today's Issue
-
Practical Tip of the Day:
Movies
-
12-Step Attitude: Everyone is Doing their Best
-
Link of the Day:
EFT - Emotional Freedom Techniques
-
Daily Dose of Dov: Discovering the Truth About
Ourselves
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Practical Tip of the Day
MOVIES
Movies are a no-no for any Jew serious about guarding his eyes,
and a thousand times more so for a lust
addict. Even the most "innocent" movies today are
filled with triggers.
Click here for
an article on movies by the famous Arutz 7 blogger,
Tzvi Fishman.
If after reading this article, you still insist that you can't
give up movies, click here for
a prayer to recite before watching a movie :-)
"LeivTahor" posted today on the forum:
Baruch Hashem I got rid of my television in my apartment this
year, but once in a while I still go to movies. I
know it's not good, but last night I was going
through the sefer The
Path of Life: The Shabbos Drashos of Rabbi Avigdor
Miller and
truly felt like I had the wind knocked out of me
upon reading the following:
Now there is a gemara in Perek Chaylek,
how does one lose his portion in the World to Come?
By reading seforim chitzyonim from the
outside (books written by apikorsim). Not
only are people not paying attention to the fact
that it refers to reading material today, but they
must also be told that television and movies are a
thousand times worse. I do not care who you are, I
do not care who comes against me, if you have a TV
in your home you do not have a portion in the World
to Come! Watching TV is far worse than eating pork.
Going to a movie theater is far worse than going to
the Salumuria (an Italian restaurant which serves
all kinds of chazerai.).
When we pass by a movie, we say the bracha, "Blessed
are You, Hashem... Who separates us from those who
go astray." |
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
12-Step Attitude
Everyone is Doing Their Best
"Letakein" wrote:
I just wanna say that working the 12 steps on
Duvid Chaim's phone group was totally life
changing. I seriously look at people differently
now.
One thing that Duvid
Chaim said that really made a difference to me is
that "everyone is doing their best".
All parents want to
be good parents.
All parents want
their children to feel loved.
All teachers want to
be good teachers.
And all bosses want
to be good bosses.
Sometimes they do
wrong or hurtful things.
But it's not because
they want to be mean and hurtful.
They just don't know
how to do it differently.
They are doing what
they think will yield the best results.
So for example,
my boss yelled at me
and I was resentful.
So I thought to
myself, "she is doing what she thinks is best for
the company. She does not know how to approach this
problem properly (which would be in a calm and
respectful manner). She is doing her best. She
doesn't want me to be resentful. She just
wants me to improve my work for the good of the
company.
You see? I separated her goal from the way she approached me by
thinking "she is doing her best" and asking her
"what can I do to make you happier?"
When she gave me concrete ways to work differently, she was
happy.
She totally did not want me to feel bad.
She just wanted my desk to be neater.
So Duvid Chaim was
right.
The program is right.
Think "everyone is
doing their best" and you will be happier!
(Of course this doesn't apply to people who
are mentally ill and don't have control of what they
do or don't have the capacity to make decisions
properly. In that case, we simply pity them and do
not take what they say personally because they did
not mean to hurt us either). |
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Link
of the Day
EFT - Emotional Freedom Techniques
Someone sent me an e-mail:
Shalom Aleichem - this is truly a remarkable site. I
recently stumbled upon it and I'm extremely
grateful. For five years I have been using EFT
"Emotional Freedom Techniques" [a mix between NLP
and self-acupuncture], that B"H has greatly improved
my physical and emotional health. When I read GYE
and applied EFT to 'LUST', the results were amazing:
the intensity of the nisayon greatly reduced;
some relief! Due to the success of EFT - and the EFT
originator aging, he is turning off his webiste on
Jan 15. I suggest that you check it out and at least
download the EFT manual.
See here.
Hatzlacha Raba! |
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Daily
Dose of Dov
Dov is sober in SA for over 10 years. See his story
here.
Discovering the Truth About Ourselves
Dov, who is over 10 years sober in SA, has been
sharing with us his experience in 12-Step recovery
for the past year or so.
There has been some recent discussion on
the forum about the proper "approach" to recovery,
and some people have tried to introduce alternatives
to the 12-Step approach, such as more "rational"
approaches based on strengthening our will-power and
free-choice, or more "Torah'dik" approaches
based on various Yesodos.
Dov saw this and posted the difference
between "teaching" an approach - and simply
"sharing" one's experience. Dov writes:
My
experience bears out that sharing our insides, our
hearts with each other, is precious. In fact, it is
likely the only thing that matters. That can't be
done though, when we have something to "prove", no
matter how pure our intentions are. The heart just
doesn't seem to open.
Discussing 'shittas of recovery' is very important
to many people, but I have not met anyone doing well in
recovery who has had
the time or
need to actually make that a major occupation of
theirs.
When I say the words, "my experience", I don't mean anything like, "Hey, I'm telling you, it's the truth/the
right thing to do/what you need to do - after all, I
experienced it myself!" Quite the opposite, I mean
to admit that I know nothing but what worked for me.
So I can't tell you
anything - I can only share with you. If you want
what I have, I can share with you how I got it.
That's all "sponsoring" is, as far as I am aware.
There is no "teaching", per-se. This idea is
repeated in AA literature many, many times.
The only reason I see fit to share my
experience here on GYE, is that I have seen that it
works for others who were interested, too. So if
guys post that they have a problem with something I had a problem with, I share what I did
to get better.
I love sharing Torah too, because I believe
it's the truth for everyone. But recovery is totally
different. The 12 steps are just suggested actions to take and
motivations that recovering people can use to get better. And that's why I share my recovery with anyone who
wants it. People in similar trouble as mine, have been helped by this.
I do not tell them what to do.
I have heard so many addicts share that they have
come to see that judgementalism of themselves and
others has been a great part of their problem. I
have met very few guys with many years of sobriety
who are sure about a lot of stuff. Especially
about something outside of their own experience.
That attitude tends to get folks like us in trouble.
I have to post about my past and recent struggles,
be they with lust or other stupidity (character
defects) on a regular basis. Because I am not a
teacher, Rebbe, nor an authority. I share my faults
and foolishness along with the free gifts of Hashem
and my successes, and it all helps others stay
sober.
I'm not a shrink, just another lust drunk who was
helped to find a way to start getting better, and
discovered (as have many others I know personally)
that this recovery opens his life of yiddishkeit to
become what he (and his spouse) always dreamed it
could be, and better.
A few months ago I spent a wonderful Shabbos with
over 150 chassidish and yeshivishe yidden, rabonnim
and otherwise. All 12-step lust recovery men with
their wives. And often the wives, with their
recovery, too. They do this twice per year.
Attendance has tripled since few years ago when I
first went with my wife and it will continue to grow
be"H. The recovery was incredible there. We didn't
tell each other what to do there. We didn't lecture
about what we think everybody else needs to do. We
just shared our pain in addiction, joy in recovery,
what we have been shown through each, and listened
to each other. We also had a great time.
Even AA and SA groups themselves have no
central authority or leaders - we vote and agree on
a text that shares our experience, we listen to
speakers share theirs.
A Torah lecture is about the Truth, not
about personal experience. And we heard Torah
lectures before we were in recovery, too. But what
we never had was the truth
about ourselves. Once we started to get that, we could begin learning how to
live with the Torah.
It seems to me that most other folks don't
absolutely need that process. I do not pity them at all. To each his own, and
how can I ever measure the significance or
beauty of anyone else's avodah?
I don't know if there are any non-addicts
who understand addicts. "Addicts helping addicts" is
how I've heard old-timers in AA describe AA. And that means something very
similar to the Torah concept of the Halacha being
decided according to the basroi (later
generations). Isn't the main idea of it, that
application of Halacha must be done through the
people of that generation because they
experience that generation? In my rather
unlearned opinion, this is similar to the success of
AA. Addicts seem to understand each other - at least
my sponsor understands me. I see it and hear it from
the guys at meetings.
If someone is an addict, they must discover the true
nature of their own problem themselves. They can't
be told. It does nothing for them in the end, for
they don't yet understand in their hearts that they
have no other choice but to stop - even though they
feel equally sure that they can't stop.
If they still need to experiment, we have no choice
but to wish them the best. All the speeches in the
world not to
drink, will not get them to really stop anyway, if
they are addicts.
Any addict that I know has agreed with this
attitude, completely. We have found that at the end
of the day, we don't actually help addicts by reminding them about "what's right". In fact, in the
case of so many who I know personally, the finger
shaking only added more pain that needed to be
covered up the only way an addict knows in his heart
- which is to act out some more. Eventually they
come to see that they must be ready to pay the
piper, and their own bris with Hashem quietly
and devastatingly calls out to them from their own
insides: "Ani Yosef. Ha'od Avi chai?"
How is finger-shaking going to produce
that?
It seems that I and every other addict I
know needed to be absolutely forced to
admit that the tools that they had come to rely on,
don't really work after all. And I have only seen it
come to us through trial and error.
I thank the Ribono shel Olam that I and
many of my fellows in recovery do not need to go
through any more experimentation today, in His great
Chesed. |
|
|
682. |
Wednesday ~ 27 Teves, 5770 ~ January 13, 2010 |
|
In Today's Issue
-
Testimonials of the Day:
Both Sides of the Religious Spectrum
-
12-Step Attitude: Outwardly Religious vs. Inwardly
Spiritual
-
Attitude Tip of the Day:
No More Binging
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Testimonials of the Day
We received two e-mails today - only 15 minutes
apart, from both sides of the "religious spectrum".
E-Mail 1:
Rebbe of Thousands
Dear Yesod Oylam,
I am a Rov, Posek, Magid Shiur and Mechaber Sfarim.
I have thousands of talmidim. I have been
unsuccessfully battling this problem for at least 40
years. I read thoroughly the
GYE handbook and would like to make the author
my Rebbe. "K'mayim korim al nefesh ayefoh",
this masterpiece of Gadlus and Katnus has
re-instilled a hope within me that maybe I can
really be what my talmidim think I am.
I pour out my heart to the Aibishter that one day
I'll be able to help you rather than enlisting your
help. I wish there were words to convey the
magnitude of my bracha to you, for your hatzlacha is
the hatzlocha of Klal Yisrael.
Bahava Raba Vahavat Olam,
avodashashemyisborach
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
E-mail 2:
Not Yet Religious
Hello Guard,
I have been receiving your daily Chizuk emails for
about 8 months now, I enjoy and look forward to
reading them everyday. I am involved for the last
year in SA groups. I am Jewish but not observant
right now, I grew up very secular. That being said,
I find the 12 steps with Torah commentary that you
provide tremendously inspiring and helpful in my
recovery. I tell all the frum Jews in my meetings
about this site, I think it is absolutely amazing
and contains the true spirit of recovery. I only
wish sometimes my SA meetings had more of the spirit
of this group.
I agree with many of the comments on the forums and
emails that your organization is doing very holy
work. Keep up the inspiration and emunah! And with
much much gratitude and appreciation for what you
do.
Humbly,
P.P |
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
12-Step Attitude
Outwardly Religious vs. Inwardly Spiritual
"Steve" wrote on
the forum:
On
Duvid Chaim's phone group we defined the
difference between being "outwardly religious" and
being real spiritual people.
A "religious" person is one who believes there is a hell.
A spiritual person
has BEEN to hell.
And that's step 1: Hitting bottom. And as a result of having
been "in hell", the person's connection with Hashem
is REAL and it's growing.
But even THAT'S not
gonna save us.
What's gonna save us
and get us to freedom is:
#1: To ACCEPT THAT
OUR ADDICTION IS AN ALLERGY, meaning that I can't
even touch Lust or I will not be able to stop myself
from falling. So I need to make that fence very
strong. (And here we talk a lot about advice and
emergency measures).
But even THAT is not
enough to save us!! We need:
#2: To REALIZE and
INTERNALIZE the CAUSES THAT MAKE US WANT TO LUST.
Those reasons are personal and specific to each of
us, but they have the SAME EFFECT on each of us.
They bring us to DEPRESSION and ANGER and wanting to
be somewhat SELF-DESTRUCTIVE because inside we HATE
OURSELVES. And when we fall and act out, it is
either because we WANT to be self-destructive, or
because we are ANGRY at Hashem and want to do
something to get back at Him, or because WE ARE IN
SO MUCH PAIN THAT WE WANT TO ESCAPE IT, we want to
NUMB OURSELVES to avoid facing it for a while. And
the DRUG OF CHOICE that we (lust-addicts) use to
numb ourselves and escape from Life, is Lusting and
Acting Out.
And lastly:
#3: TO ACT UPON THAT
REALIZATION (in #2 above) and actually ERADICATE and
uproot from the CORE, those forces that that creates
the Depression. We need to learn how to
overcome our resentments of life and our fears of
being hurt - or of future failure.
Now, did you hear any
"religious" Talk in those steps? NO!! Because just
being religious is not a direct part of it.
However, where G-d
does come in, is where we ask Him to
guide us and help us, and to give us of HIS strength
to overcome those forces. We can't do it on our own.
(At least I know I couldn't!!)
And in doing that, we become more
spiritually focused, because Hashem becomes a more
prominent part of our daily life
and struggles. Not through being more outwardly
religious, but by being more inwardly SPIRITUAL.
For us Torah Yidden, that means D'veykus Ba'Hashem.
And that is a POSITIVE FORCE that gives us
tremendous Chizuk & renews our strength to
stand up to our Yetzer Hara each day, and not
get depressed if we slip or fall.
The 12-Step Program
WORKS, and many of us in Duvid Chaim's call (and in
12-Step SA groups around the world) have gotten to
the point where the Yetzer Hara for lust can
be pushed aside like a pesky fly on your shoulder,
and you'll never nail-bite over it again.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Duvid Chaim will be starting a new cycle of the
12-Step anonymous phone group in Feburary, IY"H.
Be in touch with duvidchaim@gmail.com
to find out exact details. |
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Attitude Tip of the Day
No More Binging
Posted by a special warrior on our forum
I just wanted to mention that even though I had a
fall yesterday after 70 days clean (due to some
depression), I feel only mild urges to go back into
the whole destructive cycle. I used to "binge"
whenever I fell, but this time is much better.
So I can really see how the 90-Day idea helps. My 70
days of not acting out have completely changed my
desires...
Also, I'm a different person from when I first
joined GYE last year. I used to be very selfish,
introverted, lonely, selfish, depressed, ruled by my
addiction, selfish, etc...
Now I'm way more extroverted, friendly and
content...
I'm still selfish... and I still get lonely and
depressed... but man oh man is my life way better
now than it was a year ago... |
|
|
683. |
Thursday ~ 28 Teves, 5770 ~ January 14, 2010 |
|
In Today's Issue
-
Announcements:
GYE is growing!
-
Story of the Day: Battleworn's Story
-
Torah Thought of the Day:
Stronger than Life Itself
-
Quote of the Day: No One is Immune
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
ANNOUNCEMENTS
GYE IS GROWING.
Please Help Us Continue!
1) We hired someone to do data-entry on
www.guardyoureyes.org. From now on, there will
be hopefully new articles, stories, tips and
Torah thoughts every day on the website. Make sure
to subscribe to our
RSS feeds to get all the latest articles
straight to your feeders!
2) As we announced earlier in the week, upon the advice of
Rabbanim/experts we finally took the jump and split
the men and women's forums. The men can no longer
view the women's forum, but the women can view the
men's forum - but not post there (like a one way
glass Mechitza :-). Although the split was difficult
at first, most of the members have agreed that this
is best for everyone in the long-term, and we are
already seeing how the women are producing more
beautiful posts then ever before between themselves.
(I wonder if this has to do with the fact that
statistically, in non-coed classrooms, girls produce
better - when they aren't trying to get any
attention from the guys ;-)
3) We started a new board for "Spouses of Addicts" (not
visible to regular members). If your spouse knows
about your addiction and is struggling to come to
terms with it, they now have a forum where they can
share their experiences and exchange chizuk with
each other. Have your spouse sign up to the forum,
and once we approve them, they should let us know
who they are so we can give them access to the
"Spouses Forum".
4) We also started a new forum for "Married Men" (also not
visible to regular members), where guys can discuss
issues that they may be uncomfortable discussing in
the open forum among singles (such as Niddah cycles,
relations, their wive's struggle with being married
to an addict, and other similar issues).
5) We are also working hard to launch separate-gender
chat-rooms, which will hopefully be linked to
the forums. These chat-rooms will be great to
help for addicts to "get out of isolation" and
connect with other strugglers. And when someone
feels weak, he'll be able to chat in real time
with other friends in recovery.
All in all, GYE is growing and adding new options all the time.
We hope you will find the new features beneficial to
your recovery.
Please help us to continue expanding our work. Ask us
by e-mail how you can donate to GYE.Corp.
Thank you and Tizke Lemitzvos! |
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Story
of the Day
Battleworn's Story
I was an addict from a VERY young age (to young for me to
remember how old I was) for about 20 years. During
that time, I was under constant stress from the
addiction and - for most of the years - it totally
dominated my life. I would get triggered from
something I saw - or from nothing, and the feeling
was overwhelming. It completely took over every
fiber of my body and I was liable to risk my life to
get my fix.
I was forever trying
desperately to stop, but I didn't seem to be getting
anywhere. I often thought about suicide, but I
didn't think it would help me since it would just be
another huge sin that I would have to face the
consequences for.
I'm a very strong
believer in Truth, so I was always desperately
searching for the truth. I knew in my heart that
obviously something was wrong here, and I was
searching to find what it is. When I learned that
Chazal say that anyone who is alive can't complain
because it's enough that he's alive, I asked, "What
is a life of sin worth?" And I asked it again and
again.
When at 18 years old,
I started to get some proper perspective, things
started to get a little bit more bearable. A few
years later, I began to understand that:
Life is not about how good I am, how bad I am, how successful I
am, what people think of me, what has happened to me
in the past etc........ Rather it's about DOING
what Hashem wants me to do each second.
That it's not sin I
need to fight but rather lust.
That it's not 'me and
the lust' with Hashem somewhere out there getting
angry at me; but rather it's 'Hashem with me' with
the lust trying to get in between.
And I began to
understand many other truths.
At that point, my
addiction began to disappear. The more my life got
clear direction and the more I developed a very
personal relationship with Hashem, the more the
addiction cycle disappeared.
There were ups and
downs. I went clean for a few months or years, and
then I fell. But when I fell, I didn't fall back in
to the cycle like before (it was a gradual change).
I did, however, get back up as a bigger and better
person than I was before.
There's no question
in the world that R' Tzadok's "Tzidkas Hatzadik" and
R' Tzvi Meir's shiurim, changed me by changing my
perspective on Hashem, on myself and on the Yetzer
Hara.
Nothing that I see
nowadays can fire me up or take me out of control.
But that doesn't mean that the battle is over.
Almost five years
ago, after a good few years of being totally removed
from this stuff, Hashem turned my life upside down.
I'll just write a few of the things that happened. A
close relative of mine, that I was extremely close
to, went from being a happy successful "top-notch"
bachur, to a lifeless mess. The way it happened was
extremely painful and I took it VERY hard. At the
same time, four of my kids were suddenly in crisis
(emotional or spiritual or medical) with their
problems ranging from major to critical.
Then I was blessed
with a set of twins. One of them passed away at
about one month, and the other one is very
handicapped (At four and a half, he can hardly see,
he can hardly eat, he can't talk or walk or stand or
crawl.) A few months later, my wife informed me
(after I was away for a few days) that life is
better without me. [Our marriage is absolutely
beautiful now B"H, since I learned not to rely on my
wife for anything - including receiving my love or
doing her part in raising the children.]
My days were taken up
with caring for my baby all day, leaving me no time
to learn and almost no time to daven. I definitely
didn't have the mind or heart for davening or
learning. I had to spend weeks at a time in Tel-Aviv
(where they give out free porn mags outside of
stores). All this happened after having the best six
months in my life. I felt so beaten, it can't be
described. I don't have to tell you what I would
have done if I had still been addicted when this all
happened. What actually did happen, was that my
shmiras einayim was blown away, and I acted out a
few times in a few years.
When I found that I
wasn't safe with a computer, I searched for help and
found this holy network. I began to share my story
and share the truths that saved me and I saw that it
was very helpful to people. It was also very helpful
to me. Others were doing the same, and things keep
getting better and better.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
To see more of Battleworn's story, see
this page of our website where we bring his story in 7 installments.
Today, Battleworn posts chizuk on our forum in a special board
we created called "Battleworn's
Corner" which inspires many people.
He can also be reached on our hotline in Israel, throughout
the week. (See the bottom of
this page). |
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Torah
Thought of the Day
Stronger than Life Itself
R' Kook writes:
When your will rises
to that supernal level of holiness, it is cleared of
all bad traits and all bad actions that exist in the
world - even of the most inconsequential matters
that most people ignore.
One might desire
illicit relations more than life itself, because
sexual relations are embedded in one's drive to give
life to all generations. But through sexual
holiness, you can rise to the level and archetype of
the righteous man of all generations.
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Quote
of the Day
No One is Immune
"LeivTahor" posted on the forum in response to
yesterday's testimonial:
I found yesterday's testimonial to be both jarring and
comforting at the same time. I am referring to the
letter by a certain Rav, Posek, and Mechaber of
seforim who writes how he's happy to have found this
site, given his "over forty years of struggling in
these areas". It's comforting to read that because
sometimes I think I've had these problems due to my
non-religious background, growing up non-frum in a
goyishe environment, and to this day never having
learned for more than a few months in a Yeshiva
setting at one time. This Rav's letter assures me
that no
one is
immune to temptations here, from a talmid chacham/Rebbe
with thousands of talmidim to an am-ha'aretz
poshuter Yid non-FFB like myself.
If this Rav is reading this, let me give him a hearty welcome
to GYE. May it help you change, do Teshuva, and be
an even greater Rebbe and influence upon your many
talmidim! |
|
|
684. |
Friday ~ 29 Teves, 5770 ~ January 15, 2010 |
|
In Today's Issue
-
Parsha Thought- Va'Era:
Kotzer Ruach
-
Q & A of the Day: I'm Not Attracted to My Wife
-
Daily Dose of Dov:
Getting Open to Hashem's Help
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Parsha
Thought: Va'Era
Kotzer Ruach
The parshios of the six weeks of Shovavim deal with
the enslavement of the Jewish people in Mitzrayim
and their subsequent redemption and salvation. Many
Sefarim talk about how a man's struggle with his
Yetzer hara is symbolized by the enslavement in
Mitzrayim and Hashem's ultimate help in redeeming
him. The Pesukim in this week's parsha describe the
hard work and bitterness of the oppression in
Mitzrayim, and in next week's parsha we see how the
yidden didn't listen to Moshe "mi'kotzer Ruach ume'avodah kasha - due to oppressiveness of spirit and hard work".
Those who are enslaved by the Yetzer Hara know well
what these words mean. The Yetzer Hara causes one's
entire life to become "Kotzer Ruach" and
his obsession doesn't let him experience the "Nachas
Ruach" that life has to offer.
Rabbi Naftali Fish, a frum addiction therapist that
I personally know, just wrote a book called "Nachat
Ruach: Torah Therapy and tools for psycho-spiritual
growth and healing" which will be published
very soon, be"h. This therapist uses meditative
techniques with his patients to help them break free
of this addiction. His theme is "Nachas Ruach" and
one of the techniques he teaches his patients is
that when they feel weak, vulnerable or overwhelmed
with the struggle, they should take four slow deep
breaths, imagining that they are breathing in "Nachas
Ruach" with each breath, and breathing out "Kotzer
Ruach" with each breath. His approach tries to teach the patient how
to flow with life and
not fight against it. After all, Hashem doesn't want
us to have to fight our whole lives, instead he
wants us to learn how to flow with the beauty and
happiness that life has to offer, instead of trying
to seek pleasure and happiness in temporary and
illusionary ways which only lead to Kotzer
Ruach and Avodah
Kasha.
Here's an example of one meditation technique
that you may be able to do on your own. Try
it three times a week, for a few weeks. It should
take about 20 minutes each time.
Sit in a comfortable chair. Close your
eyes. Completely relax. To help you relax and enter
a meditative state, breath in slowly, hold for a few
seconds, and then breath out. Repeat this 10 times.
Afterwards, imagine you are diving into a deep pond.
See yourself in your mind swimming downwards, deeper
and deeper. (This will help you access your
subconscious mind). Then, picture yourself in a
field, holding a balloon. The balloon contains all
of your sexual tension and pain in it. Picture this
well. Then, release the balloon in your mind, with
all the tension and pain inside it. Watch the
balloon slowly climb away, higher and higher, count
the feet it rises in your mind, until the balloon is
finally out of site. When you are done with the
balloon, imagine again that you are at the bottom of
the deep pond. Start swimming back up, slowly coming
closer and closer to the surface. Then, break out of
the water. Open your eyes, get up from your chair
and walk away feeling free!
Click here for
more self-therapy ideas and options.
The contact information of the therapist
mentioned above is:
Dr/Rabbi Naftali Fish - Jerusalem, Native English
Speaker
Torah Based Psychotherapy, combined with meditation
and hypnosis techniques
"Healing the Inner Wounded Child"
Also specializes in Shalom Bayis issues, helping the
wives of addicts come to terms with their husband's
addiction.
Office: 02-5376514
Home: 02-6722663
Cell: 052 2639325
e-mail: nachatruach@walla.com |
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q & A
of the Day
I'm Not Attracted to My Wife
Married 20+ years. Was never
attracted to my wife from literally day one. I
married her because she was easy to talk to,
intelligent and kind-hearted. I was also a BT, and
frankly felt pressured to get married. I'm still
shocked that it was all over and done in eight
dates. Especially since I never felt sure.
Hard to make this long story short, but the lack of
attraction has never gone away. I find it hard to
work on my addiction when I am not attracted to her.
Sometimes I feel that the only way to get into bed
is to first watch some shmutz. Do you have any
advice?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dear Jew,
This kind of question has come up many times in the
past on our forum, and people who suffer from lust
addiction are often struggling in this area. Our
addiction warps the way we perceive the intimacy we
have with our wives, and we often tell ourselves
that if only she was more beautiful, we wouldn't
have to "act-out".
See this
page for
the fallacy of this attitude.
Also, please read through this page, "Do
I Like My Wife?" -
and the links at the bottom, especially the link
called "Currency of Marriage" from Dov.
Also, you can also learn some important things about
the issue of "relations" with your wife from the
following 5 links:
"The girls I see in the
street are so much s-xier than my wife. How to feel
real love for my own wife?"
"My husband blames me
for his porn habit. He blames me for being
overweight and unattractive."
"Is it halachically
permitted to look at porn if your going to have
relations that night anyway?"
"What if one's wife
doesn't give herself over enough, won't a man search
for it elsewhere?"
"My wife doesn't enjoy
martial relations, what do i do?"
This may be a lot of reading, but I guarantee
that if you read through all these links you will
have a very different perspective on your wife - and
on your intimate life with her.
There's also a thread on our forum here that
deals with this issue, so you can see what so many
other guys have to say about this...
I also suggest buying the book called "The
Garden of Peace" By Rav Shalom
Arush. It has transformed many marriages.
Good luck, and may G-d be with you!
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Daily
Dose of Dov
Dov is sober in SA for over 10 years.
Getting Open to Hashem's Help
"EsaEinai" posted on the forum:
Shalom,
I just want to say thank you to everyone who has put
this site together and all its contributing
members!!!! For most of my life I have been dealing
with these issues alone (over 20 years). Even though
the greater portion of my life I did not know that I
was Jewish or understand Torah, and within the
society of a young man outside the tents of Torah
many things are generally acceptable; I still knew
it was wrong.
I have been arguing with this y'h' and trying to
outsmart him for at least 10 years. I am so
exhausted and melancholy that I find writing this
and expressing myself to be a challenge.
Today is the 7th day clean for me, and for the most
part I have completely avoided speaking to my friend
the y'h'.
During 10 plus years of battle on a near daily basis
(3650 days) I have tried hundreds of strategies, if
not thousands.I am of the opinion that all of them
are worthless, for the most part! You can't outsmart
the Yetzer Hara, you can't even talk to him
or you lose. You have to turn the battle over to
Hashem and be completely dependent and attached to
Him at every single moment.
Dov Responds to EsaEinai:
Ditto, EsaEinai - The trick is,
learning how to do that after having
lived for many years "controlling" our pleasure
feelings with schmutz, fantasy, and masturbation
basically on demand, and having a relationship with
Hashem that is so twisted that we usually come to
think that all He really cares about is my struggle
with the Yetzer Hara.
After having been sober for a while, it dawned on me
that I was not really living while
in addiction - just faking it real well.
I was taught that if I really want to be successful
at turning the struggle over to Hashem, as you
beautifully recommend, I also had to do my best to
turn the rest of my life over to Him,
too. Sounds like a tall order, but SA (12 steps in a
chevra) kept that rather simple.
BTW, my experience tells me that the reason it
doesn't work at
all as
long as I focus on personal change in this area
alone, is not because
Hashem is mean or punishes me, rather, it is because
as long as I held fast onto the idea that "I was
A-OK - except for this embarrassing problem" - I was
never really open for Hashem's help at all. Having
temporary tidal waves of sincere teshuva is
just plain silly. It never got me anywhere - I was
back to the races the next day, week, month.... and
all the advice for how to "make a kinyan in
it" from well-meaning 'normal' folks, just made me
feel more guilty when I failed at them. In other
words, they were worse than useless to me.
I had to
come to see that my priorities in life were screwed
up (for example, the ridiculous belief in my heart
that sof davar, the only proof
that my wife (or any woman) really accepts and loves
me, is the offering of sex) [by living steps 1&2].
Soon I found that I could actually start learning
how to trust Hashem to really
help me
with my life (my real life,
like learning and davening, school, the job,
marriage, family, childrearing and other
relationships, the lottery - just
slipped that one in, sorry) [by living steps 2&3].
I started slowly
learning how to honestly devote myself to caring
about what Hashem wants (ie, what is good)
more than about what I want
[steps 2,3 and all the rest].
And life has slowly, shockingly, become great.
All these gifts just from being an addict. Not a bad
deal. |
|
|
685. |
Sunday ~ 2 Shvat, 5770 ~ January 17, 2010 |
|
In Today's Issue
-
Testimonial of the Day:
By "Pesach"
-
Announcement: PayPal is Back.
(Make Good Use of It :-)
-
Torah Thought: A True Desire is Never Lost
-
Daily Dose of Dov:
The "purpose" is Hashem's Business.
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Testimonial of the Day
By "Pesach"
It means so much to me to be part of the GYE community; I think
I am bringing much joy and inspiration to my daily
SA meeting because of how good I feel inside to
be sharing my journey of recovery with such holy and
special Jews. Even as I write this, I thank Hashem
for such a wonderful gift.
My journey in recovery so far has not been easy, I have had
many slips and much frustration, resentment
and fear, but even the worst moments in my recovery
are better than my best days before. I am starting
to learn the lesson Rabbi Nachman wrote: "If I make
Hell my bed, You are there". One of my greatest
fears is abandonment, I've felt abandoned and alone
a lot in both my addiction and recovery, this fear
has convinced me of many ludicrous beliefs, such
as: that since I slip in my program it means I do
not want recovery, that my sponsors and group
will run out of patience with me, that Hashem
abandoned me to my addiction and he abandons me when
I slip. What I realize now is this fear is only in
my head, and these beliefs are not true.
The GYE community has inspired me by demonstrating endless
patience and tolerance with those who are struggling
in their addiction and recovery. Never have I read
an unnecessary harsh word, self-righteousness or
judgmental comment, all I have seen is brotherhood,
love, support, gentleness, respect, Emunah and
inspiration. I know that even if God forbid I make
Hell my bed again, both the GYE community and Hashem
will be there to lend me a hand. What a blessing. |
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Announcement
PayPal is Up Again on Our Site!
GYE had a PayPal account for over a year, but it was
closed in September by PayPal because they demanded
proof that we are a non-profit organization. We then
began the process of becoming legally recognized,
and thank G-d, the process is well under way. We are
now a legal corp by the name of GYE Corp. We also
opened a bank account under that name. We are
sending in the paper work now to obtain a 501c(3)
status (tax-exempt), and that cold take another few
months. However, we were finally able to re-open our
PayPal account under the business name GYE corp. On
the right side of our website
http://guardyoureyes.org/ there are now once
again PayPal donation options. We encourage everyone
to make good use of them! :-)
Note:
Donations that are made now to GYE corp.
will be tax-deductible retroactively once we
receive tax-exempt status. |
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Torah
Thought
A True Desire is Never Lost
Sometimes a person who suffers from addiction will
learn that his/her parent/s suffered from it too.
Often the parent/s tried to break free of it but
were unsuccessful, and the struggle is then passed
down to the next generation. And some of us may
struggle our entire lives with the "monster within"
and may never truly succeed in finding a complete
freedom. But does that mean that our parents were
failures, or that we are failures?
Taken from Arutz Sheva Blog
over here.
What is the source of our desire to succeed and to
achieve?
Rav Zadok HaCohen of Lublin offers a surprising answer:
our internal desire to accomplish comes as an
inheritance.
There are times when we want something so badly, but
despite all our efforts and good intentions, it just
doesn't happen. It may appear that this unachieved
desire is lost; but Rav Zadok teaches that the
opposite is true. Though it may not even come to
fruition in the person's life, this desire hidden in
one's heart is passed on, and will take hold in
future generations.
We can see an example from King David. He desired so
deeply to build a house for Hashem, but was
forbidden to do so. However, his son King Shlomo was
able to build the Temple.
From where did King Shlomo get the inspiration? The
desire of David, hidden in his heart, never came to
fruition in his life, but was passed on to his son,
who was able to actualize the desire of his father.
And even though Shlomo was the one who actualized
the latent desire, the Temple is not called by his
name, but is rather called, "The House that David
Built."
The desires hidden in our hearts are part of the
inheritance that is passed down from parent to child
and from generation to generation. This organic
relationship connects us with our ancestors long
gone, and we pick up the pieces and finish projects
left undone.
And those latent desires in our hearts are passed along
to our children. Though we will not always be able
to complete all our aspirations, there is comfort in
knowing that the desire will be passed on to the
future generations, and will someday find
completion. |
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Daily
Dose of Dov
Dov is sober in SA for over 10 years.
The "process" is our business;
The "purpose" is Hashem's
business.
As I have posted many times before, I was
absolutely shocked to discover that my real problem
was not Jewish/religious
at all, but simply human. The main issue for me in those years of active addiction was
always and only:
"I am a poor oved Hashem". When my problem
finally got bad enough that my life was burning
down, I realized that I was losing my sanity, my
realness with my wife and everybody else, and that I
was a complete fake, even to the Creator. Which of
those things are exclusively Jewish? None. It was no
longer "a Hamodia teshuva topic" ;-)
It wasn't
"madreigos" that I was losing, it was the basis
of my entire humanity. It just looked like
my yiddishkeit to
me, because the ba'alei mussar who I loved had
taught me that every part of my existence was by
definition yiddishkeit. They didn't tell me that I
had to be a human first.
It seems to me that
if I am compulsively calling 800/900 #s, looking at
porn, masturbating, looking in windows, or
fantasizing about women I see or know, I am not even sane yet.
He's a shtick beheimo, and he knows it. And
it's hell on earth. Yes, I have had many
convincingly sane moments during
those years, but the proof is in the pudding, and
how I lived my life. It only got worse overall,
never better. (B"H, now it only gets
better overall!)
So, was my original
goal in recovery "success in avodas Hashem"?
No, no, no. If it had been,
I know I'd still be out there, crying about it in
sh'ma and feeling like if I cry so much, I must be
a tzaddik of some weird kind! (I like to say that I
was such a tzaddik nistar in my addiction, that even Hashem didn't
know that I was a tzaddik!
Ha.)
Inasmuch that I came to recognize the
truth about myself when I came to recovery: that
I am a selfish, needy, manipulative, fearful, and
lying man, my tachlis was only to stop dying
spiritually, mentally, and physically. That WAS my
only tachlis then... it's kind of hard to pay
attention to anything else at that point... "When
you can't breath, nothing else matters", you know.
Hashem's tachlis? What do I know of
His tachlis for me? To smear grease on the
tzaddik's wagon axle or to save Jewish lives, or to
be mechadesh Torah b'rabim? It's not my
business - it's His! I just want to stay alive. And
so far, imperfectly, it's working out quite nicely.
It just doesn't work at all for me or
anyone I know to think about outcomes of any
kind while recovering. It's just more 'controlling'
and less 'surrendering', so it just makes us stay
crazy. Then folks like me would probably just blame
it all on SA, AA, our wives, or whatever.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Kollel Guy" responds to Dov's Post:
Dov's words are so true...
But so g---dam hard to accept!!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dov Responds to "Kollel Guy":
Don't worry. I never accepted them, either. They
were forced down my throat!
That's why I honestly say that all my gratitude for finally
getting into recovery goes to two "places': (1) My
addiction (for finally getting bad enough to make me have to choose between life and death), and
(2) l'havdil, Hashem (for helping me choose
life). Sorry about the order, folks.... |
|
|
686. |
Monday ~ 3 Shvat, 5770 ~ January 18, 2010 |
|
In Today's Issue
-
Announcement: The Launch of the HEBREW FORUM -
and more!
-
MAZAL TOV: To "MosheW" on Reaching 90 Days!
-
12-Step Attitude:
Honoring the "Me" of the Future
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Announcing the launch of the
GYE Hebrew Forum
For all those who are more comfortable
typing/speaking in Hebrew, please join our Hebrew
forum, moderated by Reb Shraga Shlachter, an expert
in sexual addictions and the author of the book "The
First Day of the Rest of My Life" in Hebrew. (Click
here to order the book.
Click here to download English translations of
the book that we did in the past).
If you know any Israeli's who struggle with lust
addiction, please let them know about our new forum!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
And while we're on the topic of NEW forums, let me
remind everyone that we recently opened up two new
boards on our
English forum as well:
1) We started a new board for "Spouses of Addicts" (not
visible to regular members). If your spouse knows
about your addiction and is struggling to come to
terms with it, they now have a forum where they can
share their experiences and exchange chizuk with one
another. Suggest to your spouse to sign up to the
forum
here, and once we approve them, they should
let us know who they are so we can give them access
to the "Spouses Forum".
2) We also started a new forum for "Married Men" (also not
visible to regular members), where guys can discuss
issues that they may be uncomfortable discussing in
the open forum among singles (such as Niddah cycles,
marital relations, and issues that come up with
their wives, etc.) |
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A Big Mazal Tov
To "MosheW"
(from
Accountability Group #5)
for
reaching 90 Days clean and joining the warriors
on the
"Wall
of Honor".
MosheW wrote today:
Personal Count: 90 DAYS!!!!! My dear friends, the road has many
forks, choices, choices, and more choices... Without
a good "GPS" i.e.
G-d,
Program (12 steps),
Support (a good chevra,
posting on the forum, etc.) it will be almost
impossible to make it.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
When MosheW first joined us he wrote:
Being new to the forum I would like to introduce myself. I am
FFB and went to the best yeshivos,
happily married with multiple children and a strong
connection with some of the biggest gedolim.
My issues began when "a friend" gave me a stack of
magazines. Sadly, with the internet things only got
worse. The cycle was always the same, I could go a
few clean months, fall for a couple of days, and
always get right back up for another few months.
However over the past few months, I couldn't seem to
pull free. That was up until 2 weeks ago when I
joined the GYE community.
There were days when
I would be alone in the office spending 3-4 hours
going from one website to another. After which, I
would spend the same amount of time feeling
depressed, dirty and alone, beating myself up over
the events of the last several hours. In the end, I
always promised Hashem that
I will never do it again, knowing in my heart full
well that I will never keep my promise.
I would like to nominate the Y/H as "Employee of the Month"
because since I have committed to controlling myself (on and
off the internet), he has been working overtime to
get me wherever he can. B"H with
divine intervention, I have been doing a good job
staying away from the evil websites or
the "seemingly kosher" websites such as YouTube...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Another time MosheW Posted:
Everyone on this forum has reached the lofty level of Baal
Teshuvah. Many Giants of the last generation have already said that to
be a Baal Teshuvah one
merely has to say, "Ribono Shel Olam I
want to be good". No longer are the steps of
admittance, regret, etc. needed. I once heard in the
name of Rav Nosson Wachtfogel, the famed Lakewood mashgiach who
after affirming that such was the case was asked,
"but Rebbe, what about the Shelah
Hakodesh who
insists that the other steps are necessary?". To
which the Mashgiach replied,
"I just gave you away of crawling out of the mud you
want to crawl back in??". No longer do we have the
strength of the previous generations, just tell
Hashem with sincerity that you want to be good and
He will do the rest. The Medrash relates that Hashem asks of us "open for me a needle hole and I
will open it to the size of a banquet hall". There
is a famous question, "why a needle hole, why not
another hole, for instance when one sticks his
finger in the sand?" The answer given is that a
needle goes "trough and through", it's may be small,
but it's with a true sincerity.
B"H I
am happy to report that I waking up lately with an
even greater simchas
hachaim than
the day before. Each step is battle, not just a
fight. I wish you (and everyone on the forum) the
strength to win. The gemora says
that the bigger a person, the bigger his Y/H.
Being that we have fallen for our addiction, just
think how big and lofty our nishamos must
be! The Ribono
Shel Olam is
not only proud of this website, it was worth the
thousand of years in gulos just
to reap the benefits of the giants it will produce.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
At his halfway mark (45 days), MosheW wrote:
There were times that I was blind, dizzy and almost
"frenzy-like" with the urge and passion to give in.
Up until I joined this chabura, I always gave in, my brain would just power off, not even sleep
mode. But things are different now. Just keep on
fighting, chevra! The more you fight the easier it
gets, and with each win, more and more simcha
and kedusha will enter into your heart. Just be on the lookout for new
tricks of the Yetzer hara, he doesn't give up EZ.
At the risk of getting busted, I have discussed the website
with many community askonim.
I even hung up a poster in the Klaus where I daven.
(Hang up this flyer in your Shul or advertise it in
your community newspapers or magazines:
Black & White / Color. And here's a high
resolution ad that can be sponsored in your local Frum
news-and-advertising outlets!)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
After
Phillip Rosenthal mentioned our work at the
Agudah Convention, MosheW Sent him an e-mail:
Dear Philip:
Thank you for stepping up to the plate. Sadly, many
in the frum orthodox world are in denial. They yell
and scream, labeling the internet as fehh, shmutz
and fech, hoping that it will just go away.
At the end of the day, we all know that the internet
is here to stay. From bill paying to shopping and
everything in-between, eventually it's all going to
be via the internet, so instead of fighting it,
embrace it and work with it. If these Rabbanim were
really honest with themselves, they would raise
enough money to approach Bill Gates and say, "here
give us a kosher solution" (the filter of all
filters, not from K9 or Jnet, but our own dedicated
internet). Everyone talks about the danger for kids,
yet few want to admit or discuss the danger for
adults, and that it is a growing problem.
I commend you and
the Aguda for standing up and shouting for people to
wake up. May Hashem always
protect you!!!
For the naysayers
among us who fear Chillul
Hashem, uncomfortable with the subject, or the
ability to raise the money, I say, what could be
greater in the eyes of the Ribono
Shel Olam than
a team-effort to help us all live lives of greater kedusha?
The last generation marched into the ovens for His sake, the
least we could do is arouse ourselves with
additional kedusha!!!!! As for the money, just look at all the magnificent
buildings that Mosdos Hatorah
are erecting daily (granted, they are all needed),
not to mention the ostentatious houses going up in
many Jewish neighborhoods across the country. In
addition, there are many other examples of foolish
public spending, all involving tremendous Chillul Hashem.
Once again thank you. |
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
12-Step Attitude
Honoring the "Me" of the Future.
By "Steve"
I joined
Duvid Chaim's 12-Step Phone group (which is
starting a new cycle in February, IY"H) because
he GUARANTEED me freedom from lust (remember - not
"CONTROL of the addiction", but FREEDOM) if I run
the course & do it right. I trusted him, especially
because he knew me so well in himself, and he had
done it, and he told me that others had too. FROM
THAT DAY FORWARD, even BEFORE I started on the call,
I did NOT act out anymore, no "falls" physically
anymore, and no watching P**n.
And I also went
through the ups and downs of depression/withdrawal,
but I withheld myself from falling. HOW DID I DO
THAT?
Because I GAVE HONOR
to the ME of the future. I now felt that there
was a way out, and I could project myself there,
even though I didn't know how to get there yet. It's
sort of living on maintenance even though I didn't
start the diet yet. Once the calls started, it
became more solidified, but I began by living on a
level of cleanliness I hadn't "earned" yet.
I am nobody special.
If I could do it, believe me, ANYBODY can.
YOU MUST BELIEVE IN
YOURSELF, that you can - and will - beat this
thing and get to the next mountain. If you can feel
that as a reality for yourself; that it can really
be you; then even NOW you can HONOR your future
self. PICTURE in your mind what life will be like
then, to be pure and proud of your purity, to be
close with Hashem, to have friends and not be alone
anymore. Focus on the goal. THE GOAL!
How does a child
learn to walk? They see others doing it, they want
it for themselves, they imagine they CAN do it, and
they get up and try. In
their head, they are already walking - there is no
'I can't do this'. THAT'S what I mean by
HONORING the future before you get there!! Do they
FALL? OF COURSE THEY FALL! But do they whine about
it? NO!!! They get right up and take a few more
steps, and actually get a little farther till the
next fall. Do they get depressed? NO!!! They are
laughing and screeching, CUZ ALL THEY SEE IS THEIR
ACCOMPLISHMENTS!!
We need to stop
looking at the falls. FORGET THE FALLS, don't
concentrate on the "current clean days". LOOK AT
YOUR ACCOMPLISHMENTS!! ADD
ALL YOUR CLEANS DAYS TOGETHER.
SEE HOW FAR YOU'VE COME.
And know that where
you are going is close, VERY close.
Just BELIEVE in
yourself.
Plan, if you can, to
get into, and stay the course through a 12-step
program. I personally believe it is the BEST WAY to
success. Especially Duvid Chaim's Call, cuz he's
like a shepherd leading us to deveikus Hashem.
Make that commitment, and you could do what I did.
And remember, you are
fighting this battle for Hashem. So if you ask for
His help, He will be there for you. Sometimes as a
loud cannon blast, sometimes as a whisper or a
barely noticed butterfly, but He will always be
there - if you look for Him.
Kavei El Hashem. Chazak V'Yameitz Leebecha,
V'Kavei El Hashem! |
|
|
687. |
Tuesday ~ 4 Shvat, 5770 ~ January 19, 2010 |
|
In Today's Issue
-
Practical Tip of the Day:
$100/Infraction
-
Attitude Tip of the Day: Serving Hashem with "Sur
Mera"
-
Poem of the Day: Comparisons
-
Testimonial of the Day: By "HabaLetaher"
-
12-Step Attitude:
I don't need more G-d, I need less
"Me"
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Practical Tip of the Day
$100/Infraction
By "Alex"
Just a thought... If someone is not addicted yet and has
merely just begun to dabble in inappropriate sites,
there might be a clean and simple solution. Pledge a
$100 to tzedaka for each conscious, purposeful and
clear infraction that involves looking at an
inappropriate image on the web or mobile youtube
application (just to eliminate ambiguity) during
this Jewish calendar year. If someone is a Yarei
Shomayim and would know that he will have to pay,
that might literally do the job. I made that
kabalah a while ago, and so far it's working
great. I haven't looked at an inappropriate website
once. Again, this will only help if someone is not
yet heavily addicted. Also, one should make sure to
specifically specify a medium that he can handle. In
other words, I limited my kabalah to the web, as
opposed to looking at impropriety on the
street. That would be a separate kabalah once the
first kabalah has worked for a year or so. |
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Attitude Tip of the Day
Serving Hashem with "Sur Mera"
By "7Up"
Two warriors on our forum ("Rage" & "5770") both
posted SOS calls for Chizuk in recent days because
they were traveling and found themselves alone in a
hotel room with a TV and open internet access. "7Up"
(The GYE Rebbetzin) responded:
Your comment about the TV and internet reminded me of a shiur
I once heard from Rav Ezriel Tauber:
He too was traveling, and was delayed
overnight after a long hard day. The airline put him
up in a fancy hotel with a huge TV screen and
internet access. Being Rabbi Tauber, these posed no
real challenge for him though, and he took out his
sefer, sat on the couch and proceeded to learn. But
as much as he tried to concentrate, within minutes
he was fast asleep! After a significant period of
time, he woke up and started to cry. "Tatty, my
grandparents were workers. They rose at dawn, put in
a whole day of hard physical labor and returned home
totally spent. But what did they do a soon as they
got home? They went to the shul and spent the next
few hours learning, regardless of their exhaustion.
Their learning came at tremendous personal
sacrifice. And me? I spent my day traveling and
speaking, not backbreaking labor, yet I can't even
give You the pleasure of a few hours learning??"
But then he stopped
and put it back in perspective. "Previous
generations served You with "asei tov". I will
serve via "sur me'rah". Here I am Tatty, faced with
a huge TV screen and full internet access. I am all
alone, so no one will ever know if I turned them on.
No one but You and I. And this is my gift to both
You, and myself. My karbon of self sacrifice will be
not touching those 'on' buttons."
Every second that we withstand the test
and don't give in to our personal teivos, is no less
precious to HKB"H than the karbonos our grandparents
brought in the Beis Hamikdash. 'Sur me'rah' is the
challenge of our dor. |
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Poem of the Day
COMPARISONS
Posted
by "Yechidah"
If you've never trod the valley,
You
can never see the heights,
If you've
never walked in darkness,
You'll never see the light,
If you do
not climb the hill ahead,
You
can't look round the bend,
If you're
never really lonely,
You'll never need a friend,
If you've
never failed, and failed again,
You'll never try your best,
If you've
never suffered sleeplessness,
You'll never know true rest,
If you've
never stumbled through the clouds,
You'll never see the blue,
If you've
never suffered grief or pain,
Real joy won't come to you,
For the
one calls forth the other,
As
onward we must go,
Don't ask
me how I found this out,
Let
me just say "I know".
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Testimonial of the Day
"HabaLetaher" posted on the forum last month:
I'm happily married to a beautiful and loving woman,
and together we are raising a bunch of wonderful
children, yet there is a side of me that no one
knows about, a side of me that has been eating away
at me for almost as long as I can remember. That
side of me is the Mr. Hyde to my Dr. Jekkyl, the
crazed sicko who gets set loose at night and does
horrific shameful things. Being a true ohaiv Ha-shem,
who really loves the aibishter and his torah and
mitzvos this creates an enormous amount of conflict
in my life, leading me to feelings of isolation
despite being surrounded by people who love me, and
despair despite leading a relatively successful
life.
To compound those feelings, I am involved in avodas
hakodesh, so while people are looking to me for
inspiration, I'm sometimes involved in things that
if they had the slightest clue of, they would
pillory me in the town square. This makes me feel
even more like a fake and a fraud despite the fact
that all I really want to do in my life is bring
people closer to Avinu Shebashamayim. Many times, I
have thought about quitting, recognizing that I'll
never really be able to inspire others if there's no
gas in my fuel tank, but I'm reminded of the fish's
response to Rabbi Akiva, "If in the water, the place
of our life, we need to fear, how much more so on
dry land, the place of our death!" So I guess I will
try to stay close to the water, (besides all the
teaching I do, I personally learn for hours every
day, sometimes immediately followed by a most
inglorious session of shmutz!), and just keep trying
to slog through the muck.
I hope you can give me the chizzuk I need to make it out of my
living hell.
Now, more than 30 Days later (and still clean) "HabaLetaher"
writes:
Thanks again to everyone; my life has improved
immeasurably since I joined this program. From the
outside people wouldn't see any difference in me,
but I feel the difference.
The constant battles are raging in my head much
less, the feelings of guilt and fakery are mostly
gone, I feel so much cleaner fresher etc... |
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
12-Step Attitude
"I don't need more G-d - I need less me!"
Duvid Chaim shares:
I'm writing from the Central Bus Station here on my
trip to Israel.
As "all y'all" know I often recommend that we think
of ourselves as "an ant on a log floating down the
river" (who can't control the log in anyway).
Well here in this bus station I feel like "an ant in
an ant hill."
There is such a buzz here - people going this way
and that way - running into and out of the many
shops and cafes here - rushing to buy their tickets
and blast out of here to get to their destinations.
And yet what is going on at their destinations?
There are people running to get right back to here!
What if we could all just stand still and stay
where we are? What if we could just pause and
rather than chase after things and the stuff of
life, we could let life come to us?! If we could
only PAUSE and stop reaching out with our grubbie
little hands to take, take, take. TO TAKE CONTROL!
When are going to surrender to win? Rather than all
our fighting often to lose?
Is everyone and everything to blame for our anger,
jealousy and disappointments in life? Do we have any
part in our life's DRAMA?
And what are we hiding from? Or more importantly,
Who are we hiding from??
Remember, "I don't need more of G-d in my life - I
need less of me!"
Please enjoy the aish.com daily
blast I "coincidentally" got today.
L'hitraot and Looking FORWARD,
Duvid Chaim
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Aish.com Daily Blast
By Rabbi Avraham J. Twerski
God called unto man [Adam] and said to him, "Where
are you?" (Genesis 3:9).
We read in Genesis that after Adam sinned, he tried
to hide in the Garden of Eden. Was Adam so foolish
to think that he could hide from God? Certainly not!
He was hiding from himself, because it was himself
that he could no longer confront. God's question to
him was very pertinent: "I am here. I am always
here, but where are you?"
Adam's answer to God describes man's most common
defense: "I was afraid because I was exposed, and I
therefore tried to hide" (Genesis 3:10). Since
people cannot possibly conceal themselves from God,
they try to hide from themselves. This effort
results in a multitude of problems, some of which I
described in Let Us Make Man (CIS, 1987).
We hear a great deal about people's search for God,
and much has been written about ways that we can
"find" God. The above verse throws a different light
on the subject. It is not necessary for people to
find God, because He was never lost, but has been
there all the time, everywhere.
We
are the ones who may be lost.
When an infant closes it yes, it thinks that because
it cannot see others, they cannot see it either.
Adults may indulge in the same infantile notion - if
they hide from themselves, they think they are
hiding from God as well. If we find ourselves by
getting to know who we are, we will have little
difficulty in finding God, and in letting Him find
us. |
|
|
688. |
Wednesday ~ 5 Shvat, 5770 ~ January 20, 2010 |
|
In Today's Issue
-
12-Step Attitude: Adding A Jewish Dimension
-
Attitude Tip of the Day: The Paradox
-
Link of the Day: Pritzus on Legitimate
Websites
-
Therapy Tip of the Day: The Hierarchy of Needs
-
Daily Dose of Dov 1:
"There I go again!"
-
Daily Dose of Dov 2: The Beautiful Woman I Just
Saw
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
12-Step Attitude
Adding A Jewish Dimension to the 12-Steps
There have been many elaborate discussions on our forum about
how the 12-Steps fit in with the Torah's approach,
and if there are any conflicts or not.
The Addiction therapist Dr/Rabbi Naftali Fish (see contact info
at bottom), has developed a Torah-Based 12-Step
technique called "The Nachat Ruach model" that seems
to incorporate the best of both worlds. (Dr/R' Fish
is in close contact with
Rabbi Twerski as well).
Let's read what Dr/R' Fish writes on his newly launched website
www.nachatruach.com:
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Torah Perspectives on the 12 Steps
In recent years the twelve step program has
become widely accepted and utilized both in Israel
and in the Jewish world as the most effective way to
understand the addictive experience and recovery.
The Nachat Ruach model integrates the 12
step approach when treating a wide range of
addictions including:
o
substance abuse
o
eating disorders
o
gambling
o
internet addiction
Beyond the standard 12 step orientation,
the Nachat Ruach model has added six additional
Torah based concepts that supplement the classical
program.
These include:
1. "Beloved is Man who was created
in the Divine Image." (Pirkei Avot 3:18)
The concept that each person is created in
the Divine image is the foundation of a Torah-based
psychological theory of man's nature, and this
should in turn be the basis for developing positive
self-esteem for everyone. This is even more
important for addicts. R/Dr Twerski stresses that
"low self esteem is a major source of addictions."
From this understanding, it is clear that an
important goal in the treatment of addictions is to
improve self esteem. Concept One addresses
this practical issue of recovery. Already in the
first chapter of the Torah, it is taught that man is
created in the Divine Image. "God created mankind in
His own image, in the image of God He created him,
male and female He created them." (Genesis 1:27)
The psychological implication at the core
of the Nachat Ruach treatment model is that each
individual has intrinsic value and unique potential,
as one created in the Divine image, regardless of
his current achievements or problems. This basic
truth is seen to be particularly important in
contemporary society where most people have
"absorbed" the belief that self esteem and self
worth are highly associated with one's actual
achievements. Also, there is a tendency to define
oneself in relation to limitations that he or she
might have, as seen professionally when clients are
labeled according to their diagnostic category. In
contrast to over-identifying with one's problems,
the Torah believes that: "The soul in its essence
always remains healthy and pure."
The Torah obviously doesn't deny one's
"issues" but sees them as external to one's deepest
inner self. Thus, a main goal of the NR treatment is
to help the client know this intellectually and
internalize this truth unconsciously, and from this
place rebuild a healthy self esteem. For example,
the Twelve-Step program correctly requires an addict
to continue to say, "I am Joe Smith and I am an
addict, clean for the past ten years." This is
necessary so the addict won't "fall back" into
denial, which is the first step to relapse. The
Nachat Ruach approach clearly recognizes this
requirement of the program. However, it encourages
the recovering addict to say as well, "I am Moshe
Cohen and I am an addict, clean for the past eight
years. I am also a Jew created in the Divine image.
When a Jewish addict says this, he is recognizing
that he has intrinsic value, positive potentials and
the possibility to grow.
Practically, the Nachat Ruach formulation
means that while an addict should never forget that
he has a "chronic disease", he doesn't have to and
should not define himself only in terms of that
disease, but he should also recognize and affirm
that his unique Divine spark, which is his essential
self, is always clean.
2. "Taste and see that G-d is good.
Happy is the Man who trusts in him." (Psalms 34:9)
3. "Rabban Gamliel used to say...
Find yourself a Rav...." (Pirkei Avot 1:16)
4. "And the study of Torah is
equivalent to them all." (Gemara, Masechet Shabbat
127)
5. "You shall be Holy, for Holy am
I, Hashem your G-d." (Leviticus 19:2)
6. Do not return to Egypt...
(relapse prevention) (Deuteronomy 17:16)
We have seen the Nachat Rauch approach to
be very effective with hundreds of clients over the
past 20 years. Many had previously been in
conventional programs that didn't integrate a Jewish
dimension. Most reached Nachat Ruach searching for a
way to incorporate Torah spirituality in their
recovery and stressed that this gave them more
motivation and tools to stay clean.
The Nachat Ruach approach is the first to
utilize Torah spirituality in a professional
setting.
In recent years a unique approach to deal
with Internet addictions has been developed.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The therapist Dr/Rabbi Naftali Fish is a native
English speaker based in Jerusalem. He uses a Torah
Based Psychotherapy approach, combined with
meditation and hypnosis techniques. He developed the
"Nachas Ruach" approach and focuses on "Healing the
Inner Wounded Child". Dr. Fish has recently
completed a book entitled "Nachat Ruach: Torah
Therapy and Tools for Psycho-Spiritual growth"
(scheduled to be published by Targum / Feldheim
Press in the summer of 2010). Dr. Fish also
specializes in Shalom Bayis issues, helping the
wives of addicts come to terms with their husband's
addiction.
Office: 02-5376514
Home: 02-6722663
Cell: 052 2639325
Website:
www.nachatruach.com
e-mail:
nachatruach@walla.com |
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Attitude Tip of the Day
The Paradox
By "Yechidah"
Most men pursue pleasure with such breathless haste that they
hurry past it.
We fear that by
giving up what we lust for, we are giving up great
pleasures in life.
False.
By running after
those lusts, we hurry past real pleasures
(not only spiritual, even physical healthy
real pleasures), and that is a lost
opportunity.
It's a paradox.
But as we create
borders and gates against lust, we have the time and
peace of mind to create a beautiful rose garden
within those borders.
There is very intense
and real pleasure within those healthy borders.
So I ask Hashem this:
I will make those
gates and borders and red lights and stop signs ,and
even huge walls and boundaries.
But please let me see
and feel the beauty and love and pleasure and
happiness - within those walls that
You asked me to put up.
I think He wants
us to ask this of Him.
And when we do, He is
more than happy to give it to us. |
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Therapy Tip of the Day
The Hierarchy of Needs
From
an interesting
article
by Rabbi Horowitz.
I would suggest that you carefully study the theory
of Abraham Maslow on "The
Hierarchy of Needs." He suggests that there are
five sequential 'needs' aligned like a pyramid. Once
the more primitive needs are met (safety, security,
belonging), a person can begin to work on achieving
success (self-actualizing). As with all theories,
you need not agree with it in its entirety (I
don't), but there are profound lessons to be learned
from his thoughts. |
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Daily
Dose of Dov
Dov is sober in SA for over 10 years
"There I go Again!"
Dov writes how he reacts when feeling the triggers
coming back, and he might be tempted to think that
he hasn't made any real progress after all these
years:
When this happens to me, I say to myself,
"well, what do you expect from an addict?"
Sometimes I chuckle, "well, there I go again,
still chasing!". And my pride goes back
where it came. And it feels a lot better.
As long as I don't act out, lusting after a higher
madreiga or "accomplishment" in life - even
spiritual - is something I lost my license for when
I first began trying to turn my life over to Hashem.
It's purely His business, now, not mine.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The Beautiful Woman I Just Saw
Dov discusses how he reacts when seeing someone who
triggers an overwhelming desire:
I take a breath and say, "G-d. Whatever it is
that I am really looking for in that woman, please
let me find it in You instead (soon?)." And
trust Him.
Sometimes I'd daven for the woman's needs and future
(after turning away), and awaken that goodness in me
that really wants the best for everyone I know -
even for those folks that I may want desperately to
use. Then, when the same lust would occasionally
return 2 minutes later, I'd daven for them (and all
their needs, futures, children, health and
satisfaction out of life, and to be saved from all
the bitter suffering that many people have, etc) all
over again. At times, I have done this 4 or 5 times,
when needed. An SA old-timer named Jesse (nicknamed
the "Bozemann Hammer") used to say, "I can
pray longer than I can lust", or something
like that...
Sometimes it was enough for me to say, "well,
that's not my chelek. It's just not my chelek in
this life at all..." And knew that
acceptance of that fact was just a pain I'd always
have to bear, for there will always be a gorgeous
woman out there who I'll come in contact with. There
is no shortage of beauty in Hashem's world... so
what better time to accept my limitations than
right now? It hurts, period.
Sometimes I'd fail at all these or forget them all.
Then I gotta make a phone call and admit it to an SA
guy, who will hopefully commiserate and just say
"thanks for sharing". (It seems to be useless and
counterproductive to be reminded, "well, you'd
better not do anything with her, it's evil" or
whatever. My body revolts from finger-shaking.) |
|
|
689. |
Thursday ~ 6 Shvat, 5770 ~ January 21, 2010 |
|
In Today's Issue
-
12-Step Attitude: Enjoy the Little Things!
-
Personal Victories: Battle Tactics
-
Practical Tip of the Day:
Run With It!
-
Link of the Day: P.U.S.H the Rock
-
Testimonial of the Day: By "Ovadia"
-
Daily Dose of Dov: Torah Tavlin for Addicts?
(Part 1/3)
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
12-Step Attitude
Enjoy the Little Things!
"Letakein" posted on the forum:
I went on a class trip recently and acted like a second grader!
It was awesome! Ahhh, the innocence of childhood.
Duvid Chaim says that so much of our
"restlessness" is because we forget about enjoying
the little things in life and just get caught up in
the adult world. Everybody, go jump into the
colorful balls! |
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Personal Victories
Battle-Tactics
"Ano-Nymous" Writes:
I'm not counting the days now, but I know that I've
passed two weeks clean. I am being very careful with
my thoughts, not just my actions. I'm determined to
remain clean during shovavim, and from
there I'll work towards 90 days again. When I feel
tempted and weak, I realize that it's just my
addiction (or my animal side) talking, and I use the
advice from the
"10 Keys" book (from no-porn.com) and
just say to my addiction,"I NEVER watch porn or
masturbate NOW". It is very simple, yet very
powerful. I am also in consistent contact with many
people from this forum so I don't feel like I'm
alone. You guys are all awesome. |
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Practical Tip of the Day
Run With It!
"HabaLetaher" Posts:
I hate the "so busy -
yet not doing anything" feeling that leaves me
feeling dazed
and confused. Sometimes a good run
does it for me, a good sweat.. Then I come home,
shower up... and BAM I got endorphins flowing and
things just get snappier and more in focus...
"Rage" (RATM) Responds:
Haba, your suggestion
actually works for me too... I've noticed that I
often have falls early in the morning, so I decided
that I will allow myself to think about falling but
first I need to get on the elliptical
and do it for 4 miles while listening to Imus...
Amazingly, I have absolutely no desire whatsoever to
fall once I'm done... and I feel better throughout
the day too... |
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Link of the Day
P.U.S.H the Rock
A Deep Parable Posted by "7Up" |
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Testimonial of the Day
"Ovadia" writes:
The ironic thing about GYE is that to be part of it, I need
internet access. It is clear to me that I need GYE
as oxygen for my soul, on a regular basis, and for
the support I get from everyone when I need it. I
feel like my computer has been transformed from an
Avizraya De'Arayus into an instrument of Kedusha. I
just want to thank HaShem and ask for continued
Siyatta Dishmaya (it's hard to find the words). |
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Daily Dose of Dov
Dov is sober in SA for over 10 years. See his story
here.
Torah Tavlin
For Addicts?
(Part 1/3)
"Avodashashemyisbarach" writes:
I have just started a clean streak for the first time on GYE
last week while my wife was overseas. Today she
returned home, and today was my most difficult so
far -even though my wife looks like a million
dollars. The Gemara teaches that the yetzer should
be brought to the beis hamedrash not to the chupa.
Sorry guys, but the only solution is Torah.
"Dov" responds:
Well, I for one agree with this fellow, that true love
beats the heck out of looks without true
love. The prettiest thing I can ever see in my wife
is that she truly loves me (not necessarily approves, but loves me) totally and unconditionally.
Mutual love also seems to naturally grow out of living together
with my wife while I am free of the bonds of lust.
But by the same
token, while the answer to living free of the
tyranny of lust must be in the
Torah, saying that "Torah is the answer" is ikkar
chosair min hasefer (misses the point), just as
saying that "seeing the beauty in my wife is the
answer to a better marriage" misses the point. The
beauty can be there - and so can her love and
devotion - but as long as lust is in me, I
cannot see it. I could neither see, nor use
the answer that is in the Torah, either.
Thank G-d I am sober
today!!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"The
answer is surely in the Torah, but I can't see it
nor use it as long as lust is in ME". |
|
|
690. |
Friday ~ 7 Shvat, 5770 ~ January 22, 2010 |
|
In Today's Issue
-
Link of the Day: Lots of Exciting News @ GYE.org!
-
Parsha Thought 1: Yetziyas Mitzrayim at the
Darkest Time
-
Parsha Thought 2: Holding on to Inspiration
-
Attitude Tip of the Day: We Need His Daily Help to
Get Out of Mitzrayim
-
Personal Victories: Drifting to the Moon at Full Speed
-
Daily Dose of Dov: Torah Tavlin for Addicts?
(Part 2/3)
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Parsha
Thoughts
Yetziyas Mitzrayim at the Darkest Time
In this week's parsha, we leave behind the servitude of
Mitzrayim (the Yetzer Hara) and follow
Hashem out into the desert, trusting in Him
completely to provide for all our needs. This is
analogous to "breaking free" of our addictions and
depending on G-d to care for all our needs.
"Bardichev" posted on the forum:
The final plague that finally brought
the redemption was MAKKOS BICHOROS
When did the
Geulah come??
BACHATZOS HA-LAILAH
Chatzos
represents the deepest darkest part of the night.
The point where the
night is darkest, scariest and loneliest.
At that point, when we we expect it
the least, the night is lit up like day and
the redemption occurs!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Holding On To Inspiration
Another thought from "Bardichev" on the forum:
This is the week we are LIBERATED!!
Yay, Wow!! Terrific!!
But how do we hold on to this
inspiration? The feelings of freedom, the ecstatic
joy??!!
These feelings are so powerful so
profound.
Imagine how the Yidden felt (and we
must feel) undergoing the paradigm shift from
slavery to ultimate freedom!!
But.. But.. How do we
hold on to those feelings??
How can we keep the
moments of inspiration in our lives, such as Simchas
torah, a wedding, a kumzitz, a baby's birth, or even
the feelings of awe we feel when seeing the Grand
canyon?
FEELINGS ARE
FLEETING.
We need to take our
inspirational moments and put them into ACTION
That's how we hold on
to them.
Says the Ramban,
that's why we have so many mitzvos that are "zecher
liyitzias mitzrayim".
Inspiration is a
gift.
Holding on and
running with it is work.
But if we don't, what
did we gain from being inspired?
Oyoyoy - Shabbos
Koidesh!
Love bards
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Attitude Tip of the Day
We Need His Daily Help to Get Out of Mitzrayim
"EsaAinai" Posts:
This morning I woke up feeling at the
mercy of my impulses and the Yetzer Hara, who
was telling me that it's only a matter of time
before I fall; it's as inevitable as the sun rising
and setting. So I prayed for assistance to make it
through the day. Shortly afterward, I was given a
mental distraction that I couldn't push aside, and
it got me through the day.
I am feeling true humility right now. I have this 20
year habit that I feel powerless to, for which there
is no cure or quick fix. I am humbled by the
realization that I have to constantly ask for help
from Hashem, and like the last slip; if it were not
for a small miracle, I would have fallen all the
way. Today is no different, a small miracle in the
form of a distraction.
It reminds me of the the time we were
in the desert and Hashem provided us with manna.
Each day we received just what we needed and if we
tried to save extra it became maggot infested.
Likewise, if I try to gather today extra and think
that tomorrow I will not have to ask for Hashem's
help; then I may find my mind maggot infested (with
the Yetzer Hara) so to speak.
"Me" Responds:
Bulls eye! You see, addicts are all
in our own personal mitzrayim. We are all
slaves to Pharoh. BUT... how did we get out of
mitzrayim? Did we fight our way out?
NO, did we think of varied tactics and plans on how
to escape? NO.
So what happened to we slaves in
Mitzrayim?
It was HASHEM who took
us out!
And WE? We just "tell the story"
about it! That is our job.
HASHEM does it all, and we
just... tell the story!
This is
"letting go, and letting G-d". |
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Personal Victories
Drifting to the Moon at Full Speed!
"Eye.Nymous" Writes:
Today is 84.
I am really wondering... at one point
I felt like a totally different person. Now, I feel
like the same old guy.
But, I do feel like I am less irritable, more
patient, more flexible, more available to my kids.
In small ways.
THEN, I thought of a great mashal. I don't know if
it's true, but it's really beautiful.
A spaceship takes all it's fuel to break through the
atmosphere. Afterwards, it basically glides the rest
of the way to the moon (at the same speed). So,
at first the changes feel really radical -
you're breaking through a barrier of the old habits.
Afterwards, you're only DRIFTING, BUT YOU'RE
GOING AT THE SAME SPEED!
Have a good Shabbos everyone.
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Daily Dose of Dov
Dov is sober in SA for over 10 years. See his story
here.
Torah Tavlin
For Addicts?
(Part 2/3)
Yetziyas Mitzrayim
Came Before Matan Torah
"Kanesher" writes:
Those who know me on this forum know that I know a bit about
learning - and trust me - it doesn't help; not even
one little bit, for an addict. Addicts need
addiction tools, not Torah.
"Habaletaher" writes:
I gotta be honest with you, I have tried the "Torah tavlin"
thing, and sometimes it's not enough... Maybe it is
just because I'm an addict, or maybe because I'm so
farshmutzed... but either way, I can learn for 3
hours straight and then fall 20 mins later...
"Kollel Guy" writes:
You know, I really can say I have had the same experience.
Interestingly, some of the worst tekufos in my
learning had little or no falls/slips, whereas some
of my best tekufos in learning were full of uchy
things. I just don't know what to say.
"Dov" Responds:
With Hashem's help, I do know
what to say. I hope...
Chazal tell us that
"derech eretz kodmo laTorah". Though this
statement means many things at a historical
perspective (referring to the years before matan
Torah) as well as at a personal level (middos
of a person), as is explained in s'forim, it has
special meaning for me, an addict.
On a simple and
personal level, it draws a true and useful
separation between serving Hashem by knowing His
Will (Torah), and being a healthy human being -
also presumably His Will. "Choviv odom
sh'nivre'u b'Tzelem" is for the human being as
he was intended to be, not just for the Jew. That is
called "M'daber". A Jew is a higher
madreigo than M'daber and is who the
Tanna is talking about in the next piece
when he tells us "chavivin Yisrael sh'nikre'u
bonim laMokom!"
Let me back up a bit.
Many have been shocked about and damaged by the
horrible behavior of some frum yidden. If Torah is
matzil umeigin and machzir lemutav,
then why doesn't their learning/teaching Torah and
davening to Hashem keep them kosher? The answer of
"well, there are always bad apples" was always fine
for me - until I saw my own horrible
behavior in addiction. Soon that answer just didn't
'cut it' any more... I was vexed: "why isn't it
working?"
The s'forim (Nefesh
Hachayim and others) tell us that before learning
Torah we need to remember yir'as Shomayim, Ahavas
Yisroel, the mitzvoh of Talmud Torah, and that
we intend to bring what we learn into action,
and to do t'shuva for our aveiros as
best we can.
Many have answered
the embarrassing and upsetting problem by figuring
that in one way or another, those people just didn't
have these hakdomos to their learning. In
other words, that they did not have Fear of Heaven
and love for their fellow Jew, did not intend to
actually do what
they were learning, and carried their aveiros
with them into the beis hamidrash. Nu. Sounds
possible... but it is a tall order, no? How many
people do all that before
learning? So why aren't we all so
screwed up? ...maybe we are?
But I digress.
It seems to me that
the issue of "what's missing?" is much more basic
and is underscored most clearly by the frum addict!
It seems to me that
the hakdomos to learning Torah for any yid
have a common denominator: reality
check. Hashem is the
Master, so we ought to
(OK, "must") do His Will. We (all) have strayed
from His Will and we need to admit that fact to
ourselves.
Who are we individuals? We are each another piece of this
corporation called K'nesses Yisroel, whether we like
it or not (see ch. 32 of Tanya if you are so
inclined), so all we do is in
that context. Fear of Heaven should be a milsa
zutresa: for crying out loud, HE'S RIGHT HERE!!
One would think it is just natural for a yid to be
aware of that, and more acutely so when preparing to
face His Will (learning Torah).
How can we not at
least try to
do a little t'shuvah and then say "we
want to keep this stuff, so here we go!"
before learning?
OK so far?
What does it say
about us that/if we don't?
Something is missing
in our accurate perception of reality.
It's a bit like
psychosis on a very small scale. For Jews, this is a
lack in our basic soundness of mind. In other words:
Our sanity.
For whatever it's
worth, I think that on a personal level, Derech
Eretz is basically sanity, or "soundness of
mind". What the RMB"M might refer to as basic "cholo'ei
hanefesh", and deals with in his Shmoneh
P'rakim.
An addict is
basically nuts. How can we risk so much, ignore so
much, live so duplicitously, cause so much pain -
and tolerate so much pain - for so long? And
we act as though everything is just "peachy" in
shul, at home, in the b's-medrish, etc. our
priorities and thinking obviously need some major
adjustments, to say the least.
We need some manner
of recovery.
And the second step
aptly reads: "... to restore us to Sanity."
For that, in my opinion, is our real problem.
Our problem is not in our "Torah" per-se, but rather in how we approach our
"Torah". Our problem is the Derech Eretz -
the sanity - that sets the table for Torah to
actually work in us.
So consider quitting
banging your head against the Torah and look into yourself for
the answer, instead. The most basic problem with
myself and the addicts who I know best isn't a
specifically Jewish nor a Torah problem, at all. We
are a bit cracked. And the Torah doesn't even begin,
for a shoteh.
We need His help, and
we need it now.
I hope this made
sense to someone...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Our problem is not in our "Torah"
per-se, but rather in how we approach our
"Torah"....
So consider quitting banging your
head against the Torah and look into yourself for
the answer, instead. |
|
|
691. |
Sunday ~ 9 Shvat, 5770 ~ January 24, 2010 |
|
In Today's Issue
-
Announcements: Three important things to know!
-
Link of the Day: A MUST HEAR Shiur by Rabbi
Akiva Tatz
-
Attitude Tip of the Day: We aren't carrying our
"clean days" on our backs.
-
12-Step Attitude: Give it to Him, and He'll take care
of everything
-
Testimonial: "If you can believe you can
destroy, believe you can fix"
-
Daily Dose of Dov: Torah Tavlin for Addicts?
(Part 3/3)
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Three Important Announcements!
1)
GuardYourEyes received today its first Haskama in
writing from a major Gadol in America, Rabbi Aharon
Feldman - a member of the Moetzes Gedolai HaTorah.
Click here to read the Haskama. (Click
here for higher resolution).
Please help
support our work so we can grow and reach thousands
of other Yidden! See the Paypal options on the right
hand side of
our website, or
ask us about anonymous or tax-deductible
options. Tizke Lemitzvos!
2)
I want to remind everyone that our website
www.guardyoureyes.org is being updated daily
with new articles in the many different categories
on the website. To get the new posts straight to
your Feeders each day without having to even access
the website, sign up to our RSS feeds on
this page. And BTW, at the bottom of that page
you can choose from a variety of free Feeders to
download!
3)
For those who find it difficult to join the various
anonymous phone conferences that GYE offers (such as
Duvid Chaim's 12-Step group, which is starting a
new cycle in February, Iy"h) because they can't
afford the long-distance calls, or because they are
afraid their spouse may see the out-of-State
phone-calls on the bill, someone discovered a FREE
system for phone calls that can solve all these
concerns!
Click here for more information. |
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Link of the Day
A
Powerful Shiur related to our issues.
(Right-click and press "Save Target/Link As" to
download)
A MUST HEAR!
By
Rabbi Dr. Akiva Tatz |
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Attitude Tip of the Day
We aren't carrying our "clean days" on our backs!
To someone who had a fall after 40 days clean and
was having a hard time getting back up, "Rage" (RATM)
posted the following:
On GYE we hear a lot that your clean streak is not gone, and
that it's always there for you in your past - and
those clean days are yours forever...That's
true, but the exact opposite of that
is also true...
You see, I know I've
felt it and I've seen others here say it as well: "I've
been clean for "x" amount of days, I'm bound to
fall".. Like recently someone posted, "I've
been clean for 60 days, it's time to fall"... It
seems to me that our addict brains are playing awful
tricks on us... We convince ourselves that every day
clean is placed on our shoulder for us to carry
around with us all day... and the more days clean,
the bigger the load for us to carry... This is a
lie... There are no 60 days clean... Those days
are in the past and GONE forever, just as they are
always THERE forever, in the past... You're
not carrying them... The only thing you need to
carry is this minute, this hour, this day...
Day 61 is no different than day 1. It's all about
being sober right now...
Let's not fall for this trick again... I am not clean "x"
amount of days, instead I'm hoping to be sober
right now, in this moment.
Viva la Revolucion! |
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
12-Step
Attitude
Give it to Him, and He'll take care of everything.
"TrYing" Posted:
I've
been going through some difficult times lately...
Duvid Chaim called me all the way from Eretz
Yisroel (he's visiting there), and he helped me get
back on track. (Do people ever get more giving than
this?)
He
reminded me to ask Hashem for everything I need, and
that G-d has a plan; All the time.
Today, when I felt like there was a lock on every
door I tried, when I felt the weight of the whole
world on my shoulders, I suddenly realized that I
can't do anything anymore. I asked G-d what was His
plan? I'm trying to follow it. I'm trying my best.
All I was doing is trying to take care of His
children, and it wasn't working. I met failure at
every turn. I told Him that now it was up to Him.
Well,
within a little while, everything fell into place.
It was as if there was no problem at all. Something
I was working at for hours was suddenly just solved
in a few moments.
Hashem is a kol yochol, and we - mere little
ants - think we can control everything... Just
let Go... and Let God! |
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Testimonial of Pain
"If you believe you can destroy, believe you can
fix"
A member of our network talks about the destructive
trail left in the wake of his addiction:
I have almost completely destroyed my marriage due
to p#rn/living in a fantasy land, treating my wife
with anger, resentment, hatred, putting her down,
yelling, criticizing, etc... And of course, I RAN
OFF AND HID IN MY WORLD OF P#RN. Dreaming of the
other woman, sizing up every woman I saw.
Everywhere - street, magazines, shul, posters, TV,
internet. Lucky me, some where to hide! I gave my
wife nowhere to hide, I just made her insecure, even
through she has her own problems, frailties and
failings. I did not help her, I broke her. AND I
BLAMED HER for problems in the home, for her own
problems, for her lack of friends, problems with our
child, etc... |
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Daily Dose of Dov
Dov is sober in SA for over 10 years. See his story
here.
"Enlightened
Self-Interest" Comes Before Lisheim Shamayim
Torah Tavlin
For Addicts?
(Part 3/3)
The missing ingredient for us frum guys to recover is not the
"l'shem Shomayim" part. We know that idea already
(though we are so upset at how we fail to put it
into action, still doing crazy aveiros on a
regular basis, etc.).
The one definite
missing ingredient for me (and per AA, for many
other addicts) was the "l'shem Atzmi"!
Enlightened self-interest,
as AA puts it.
I always thought that the struggle of lust was between my doing
what Hashem wants me to do, or not doing it.
I never got better
that way.
I see now that I was
completely wrong.
When Hashem brought
"kol mageifosai el libecha",
I got the missing ingredient. I began to actually do
what is best for me,
for a change. And since then, I've been getting
closer to Him than ever!
In recovery, the
struggle of lust is actually being good to myself
vs. punishing myself. It's a
self-centered affair, really.
As Dovid Hamelech said,
"Ainai tamid el hashem, ki hu yotzi mereshes raglai
-
my eyes are always to Hashem, for He will extract my
feet from the trap".
I attach myself to Hashem because he
saves me.... enlightened self-interest is not such a
bad thing, it seems. (Especially if you are
shayach to malchus, like Dovid Hamelech,
who recognized that he has nothing of his own
anyway).
Once I have a "me", I
can give that "me" to Hashem.... not before. And I
give Him most of the credit for getting me there,
and keeping me there.
I hope this is a bit
clearer. Do you see how it's the same thing I was
always saying? My
very first post on GYE was about this, too.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Once
I have a "me", I can give that "me" to Hashem... not
before. |
|
|
692. |
Monday ~ 10 Shvat, 5770 ~ January 25, 2010 |
|
In Today's Issue
-
In Honor of Rav Noach's 1st Yartzeit:
We can all change the world!
-
Testimonial of the Day: Saved by Rav Noach & GYE
-
Link of the Day: The Five Levels of Pleasure
-
Quotes of the Day: Members Quote Rav Noach
-
Daily Dose of Dov: As Rav Noach used to say...
-
Sayings of the Day: From Rav Noach
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Today's E-mail is in Honor of Rav Noach Weinburg's First
Yartzeit, which begins tonight, 11 Shvat.
Rav Noach is the ultimate example of how
each and every of us has the capacity to change the
world. We at GYE must learn from him!
In the video clip on
this page, Rav Noach's eyes fill with tears and
his voice breaks as he says:
"Almighty, I know that You care about this much more
than me, I know that You want me to succeed. I know
that if You help me, we can change the whole world.
I know You want to help me. I know I just
have to want it enough. Please help me to
want it, to feel this pain the way You
feel it, so that You can help me do it."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
To people who used to question Rav Noach's ambitious
desire to save Klal Yisrael from assimilation, he
would always answer in the same way. "The reason why
you think we cannot save Klal Yisrael is because you
think we can only save several hundred Jews. In
truth, you can't even lift a finger without the
Almighty giving you the power to do so. So we
might as well ask our Father for the ultimate!"
Rav Noach would often
tell a story to illustrate this point: At any large
construction site, gigantic cranes are lifting
several tons of building materials. At the location
where the materials are placed, one worker is
positioned to guide the load, to ensure that it
lands in the correct spot. From afar, the fool looks
at this worker, and says, "He is stronger than
Samson!" But the wise man steps back and sees that
in reality it is the crane doing the work; the
worker is just helping it land in its proper place.
Rav Noach would then cite the prophet's promise that in the End
of Days, the Jewish people will do teshuva. The
Almighty is bringing back His children; the wise man
puts out his hands and leads them home. As the
Mishnah says: "Whoever takes on communal
responsibilities, God gives us credit as if we
accomplished it on our own" (Ethics of the Fathers
2:2).
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
See also #3 on
this page, where Rav Noach discusses the idea
that nothing can be accomplished without God's help.
But we need to take responsibility in order
to get God's help.
While this concept applies to GYE's over-all
success, it also applies to each and every
one of us with regard to our own addiction. Hashem
is the only one who can help us - and he truly WANTS
to, but we first need to take full responsibility
and do all we can to recover. Then, when we daven
for divine assistance, we will see miracles! |
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Testimonial of the Day
Saved by Rav Noach zt"l and
guardyoureyes.org
Yakov_Shwartz posted this comment on Aish.com's article about
porn addiction, which mentions our network.
My first exposure to porn came at age 10. My addictive behavior
picked up speed at age 12. When I was 16, I had a
spiritual awakening and made a conscious decision to
stop. However, despite all my efforts, my addiction
grew and grew as it threatened my job, my family and
ate away my spirituality. At the beginning of Feb
'09, I was introduced to the guardyoureyes.org
website. But I still could not get courage to pick
myself up and beat my addiction. However, a few days
later, Rav Noach Weinberg zt"l (Rosh Yeshiva of Aish)
passed away. I attended his funeral and something
magical happened that day, as I listened to all the
eulogies. All of a sudden I felt a sense of
strength. I felt a sense of meaning. I felt a sense
of believing in myself that I could do what G-d
wants me to do. For the first time in a long time, I
felt that I could rid myself of this addiction if I
only wanted to and asked Hashem for help. That day
marks my first day of sobriety. From that day
forward, I remained clean of this destructive
behavior as I learned to rebuild my life using the
tools on the guardyoureyes.org website. The story in
this article and the real person in it, were one
of the major contributors to my success. I thank G-d
for bringing me to the right place for recovery and
for helping me recover. Thank you Rav Noach zt"l.
With tears, your new talmid, Yaakov.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Mazal Tov Yaakov,
on one full year sober!
Yaakov, who is a Talmid Chacham and has
posted such beautiful Torah on our forum (click
here to see all of Yaakov's posts), also
programmed for us the automated
90-day chart, the
Wall of Honor and the
profile page, and he continues to update and
provide support for it all the time!
Thank you, Yaakov, for all you do for us at GYE! |
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Link of the Day
The Five Levels of Pleasure
Rav Noach Weinburg Defines Pleasure vs.
Happiness
I would like to share with everyone an inspiring
Shiur by Rav Noach Weinburg called "The
Five Levels of Pleasure" where he beautifully
defines what pleasure is really all about, and he
helps us decide on our own what type of pleasures we
really want out of our lives. (Download the Shiur
in MP3 format by right-clicking on the link and
choosing "Save Target/Link As"). |
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Quotes of the Day
Members Quote Rav Noach
"Noorah" wrote on
the forum:
Rav Noach was a tremendous inspiration to me while he was
alive, (I met him only once or twice, but heard a
lot of his tapes). Rav Noach was the epitome of
never giving up. I believe that Aish was the
eighth or ninth yeshiva that he tried to start. May
we all learn from him never to give up, and may his
memory and teachings continue to inspire us!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Bestrong88" wrote on the forum:
I once heard in a shiur from Rav Noach Weinberg Zecher Tzadik
Levracha, that when Chazal would hear something they
enjoyed, like a chidush or something that changed
them, they would repeat it 40 times. So once you hit
40 days clean, which hopefully you will soon, you'll
be a completely different person. |
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Daily Dose of Dov
Dov is sober in SA for over 10 years. See his story
here.
As Rav Noach used to say:
"Hashem is trying to get your attention!"
Dov writes to someone who had a fall after a long
clean streak and was discouraged:
I cannot accept that Hashem brought you through this problem
just to get you out of it so you could just move on
from here as though nothing happened. He could have
protected you from getting into the problem in
the first place, no?
Rav Noach zt"l used to say:
"A guy came to Aish
and heard me talk about how you can learn about G-d
in a Yeshiva. He told me that he already knows about
G-d, so he doesn't need to come here for that. I
asked him about it and he told me about a miraculous
landing he once had, falling off his bike and down a
cliff - and walked away without a scratch! So he
knew there must be
a G-d!
I asked him, "if
there is a
G-d, then why did he let you fall off the bike in
the first place?... Do you think maybe He
was trying to get your attention?
Maybe he wants you to come to a Yeshiva to really
get to know Him, no?"
I love it (and loved
Rav Noach). And Hashem loves you.
You may blame this whole problem on yourself. I'd bet you do
(as I always did). But the facts may be that it really is not totally your
fault. You may be just a little nuts (like many of
us). Or you may be stuck in a pattern now and just
can't get out on your own (like many of us).
You can blame yourself for the whole thing and give up, (which
apparently hasn't been working very well for any of
us till now,
or we wouldn't be here) or you can consider that maybe Hashem is trying to get
your attention. Maybe He wants us to need Him
so much and to use Him so much, that we
finally grow up and turn to Him the way He knows we
can. That is one of the things you may find help
with on this site. Keep reading. |
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Sayings
of the Day
From Rav Noach Weinburg Zatza"l
Taken from
this page of the Aish website.
Saving the World...
-
The Talmud says that every person must say, "The
world was created just for me." That means each
of us is responsible for the entire world.
-
We all want greatness. No one says, "I wish to
be mediocre." Everyone harbors the secret desire
to save the world.
-
"I can't" is idolatry. If the Almighty helps us,
we can change the world. And if He doesn't help,
we can't do anything.
Pleasure & Joy...
-
God is our father in Heaven. Like a father, all
He wants is for us to get the maximum pleasure
in life.
·
The opposite of pain is no pain
(i.e. comfort). Equating comfort with pleasure is
the definition of decadence.
-
Happiness is choosing to take pleasure in
what you have.
-
The natural state of every human being is joy.
We learn how to make ourselves
miserable.
Choice...
-
The essence of free will is to choose to be a
soul, not a body. The battle is to do what your
soul wants, not what your body feels like doing.
-
When people say, "You'll grow up," what they
really mean is, "You'll give up like I did."
Every Little Bit...
-
Judaism isn't all or nothing. Every mitzvah is a
gold mine.
-
Every effort is a success, even if you don't see
the results.
Living...
-
If you don't know what you are willing to die
for, you haven't really begun to live.
-
If being good is worth dying for, then it is
worth living for. And if it is worth dying and
living for, then it is certainly worth enjoying.
|
|
|
693. |
Tuesday ~ 11 Shvat, 5770 ~ January 26, 2010 |
|
In Today's Issue
-
Announcement: Updated Haskama from Rav Feldman
-
12-Step Attitude: Tips & Ideas from Duvid Chaim -
Getting Back on Track
-
Attitude Tip of the Day: Acknowledge your Emotions
-
Battle Communication: Shlomo Hamelech Had it All
-
Daily Dose of Dov: G-d Help, Not "Self-Help"
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Announcement
In Chizuk e-mail #692 we posted a link to a Haskama
from Rav Aharon Feldman on our work. Originally, the
Rosh Yeshiva did not want his Haskama to include our
website, lest it appear as if he was endorsing the
use of the internet. Instead, he only endorsed our
handbooks and materials (such as the Chizuk
e-mails). However yesterday, he agreed to change the
wording of the Haskama to include the website as
well, in a way that would still make it clear
that he does not endorsing the use of the internet
for anything other than Parnassa.
The
new Haskama can be viewed on-line
over here. |
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
12-Step Attitude
GETTING BACK ON TRACK
Duvid Chaim writes some ideas to help those who contact him
after a slip:
(Some of the concepts below will only be understood
by those who are working the 12-Steps and/or were on
Duvid Chaim's calls. Duvid Chaim will be
starting a new cycle of his Big-Book Study group
hopefully in February.)
Dear Struggler,
First of all, you
must congratulate yourself.
Think about it.
You actually
experienced a slip, but by posting about it on the
forum or by emailing or calling me to admit this, it
means that you are getting out of isolation,
learning to trust and getting in touch with your
feelings. These are the first signs that you are
truly making progress in recovery!
And NOW you are more
AWARE, and you know that the acting-out experience
just isn't as "rewarding" as before.
You now know deep
down that this is not the place you want to be. And
you know that Recovery is where it's at!
So don't be so hard
on yourself.
You can now come back
into the light!
To get back in track:
1) Always first have
a good long conversation with HaKadosh Boruch Hu.
He just wants to hear from you again. Maybe your
"signal strength" got a little low. How many "bars"
were you holding before the slip?
2) Re-read some of
your favorite excerpts from the
Big Book and the notes you took.
3) Go back to your
4th Step Worksheet and review it - see the notes
from our discussion. What "Glasses" were you
wearing before your slip, and what glasses are you
wearing now?
4) Then go to a new
line in the Worksheets and do a "mini-inventory",
identifying the "Resentments" and "Fears" that led
up to the slip.
5) Send me the
mini-inventory for a brief discussion.
6) Talk to another
member of our Chevra or make an effort to
build the relationships with those around you.
7) Be of Service to
others, or do a random act of Chesed.
8) Get back on the
Group Call. It's a wonderful way to review the
Program materials and to be of service to the
newcomers.
9) And most important
of all, LOVE YOURSELF and realize what a success you
are. And that you are NOT going to let anyone or
anything pull you backwards.
10) Going Forward,
stay aware of your perception and motives.
Remind yourself that
you ARE in Recovery and that it's about PROGRESS,
NOT PERFECTION!!
Looking FORWARD (and
now, so should you!)
Duvid Chaim
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
PS - I start my day
with the following prayers and recite them through
the day, as I need:
Big
Book Prayers
Beginning of Day Prayer (BB 86-87)
Oh God, direct my
thinking, so that it may be divorced from Self-Pity
and from dishonest and self-seeking motives. Let me
make every decision and begin every action in You
and continue it only through Your Inspiration.
Throughout this day, show me the next step to take
and to trust in Your Care of me and my problems.
Free me from all self-will and self-sufficiency.
Help me to neither seek nor pray for selfish ends.
3rd Step Prayer:
"God, I offer myself
to You - to build with me and to do with me as You
will. Relieve me of the bondage of self, that I may
better do Your will. Take away my difficulties, that
victory over them may bear witness to those I would
help, of Your Power, Your Love, and Your Way of
life. May I do Your will always!". (BB p 63)
7th Step Prayer:
"My Creator, I am now
willing that you should have all of me, good and
bad. I pray that you now remove from me every single
defect of character which stands in the way of my
usefulness to you and my fellows. Grant me strength,
as I go out from here, to do your bidding. Amen.".
(BB pg 76)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Rabbi Pliskin writes the following about SETBACKS:
Setbacks are Part of the Process
When you try to make spiritual progress in life, expect
setbacks. They are part of the process.
Many people are
happy, even excited, to make spiritual undertakings
when they see steady progress. Even if progress is
slow, they are patient. But when they are faced with
setbacks, they easily give up. When you realize that
setbacks are an integral part of making progress,
you realize that this is just another step that you
have to make. It's like climbing a mountain path.
The path doesn't always go straight up. At times it
goes around the right and at times it goes around
the left but the focus is on eventually getting to
the destination. And therefore, even if part of the
path seems to be descending, it is a descent for the
sake of ascent. This, too, is getting you closer to
where you want to end up.
(from Rabbi Zelig
Pliskin's book: Harmony with Others, p.109, artscroll.com) |
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Attitude Tip of the Day
Acknowledge Your Emotions
Eye.Nonymous posted on the forum:
Last night I was feeling really upset about
something. Months ago, I probably would have acted
out. More recently, I would have told myself,
"don't act out, don't act out."
But lately, I've had a lot of success with catching
these bad moods before they start and warding them
off.
And I've also had some success with trying to
reflect on positive thoughts.
But I felt stuck already.
Instead, a new realization came to mind: YES, I'M
REALLY UPSET!!! But that's OK. I'm a human being and
this happens sometimes.
I just admitted it to myself. I don't have to run
to my addiction. I can just admit to being
human.
Duvid Chaim mentioned at the recent Kumzitz in
Israel (that he came to while visiting) that lots of
people suffer from, "don't speak, don't trust,
don't feel." It's a coping mechanism that a
person develops over time. I don't know if this is
what he means, but it makes sense: The remedy here
was to simply ACKNOWLEDGE MY EMOTIONS - AS IS. |
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Battle Communication
Shlomo Hamelech Had it All
"Penitent" wrote on
the forum:
I have committed myself to being better in
regards to P**n and self pleasure. So far I'm 40
days clean. It has to become a mindset.
All those things that we saw in the movies and clips
are fake. The connection that I feel with my
wife and with Hashem is so much better.
Shlomo Hamelech said, "Ani Koheles -- everything
is Havel". The key is that Shlomo Hamelech tried
it all - and had it all. Take it from him.
We all know the same to be true.
Cut the computer time and use it only when you have
to. Make yourself busy and don't let the Y"H get any
time to spend with you.
Stay strong. |
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Daily Dose of Dov
Dov is sober in SA for over 10 years. See his story
here.
G-d Help, Not "Self-Help"
They say how funny it is that 12 steps is
referred to as "self-improvement" or "self-help" in
the bookstores. It's really the opposite
of self-help - which is how we got screwed up in the
first place, of course. It's about G-d-help,
meaning: learning how to accept the unadorned truth
about ourselves, accept His help in place of our
ineptness, start to take directions, and really get
better for a change. |
|
|
694. |
Wednesday ~ 12 Shvat, 5770 ~ January 27, 2010 |
|
In Today's Issue
-
Practical Tip of the Day:
Try Again in 5 Minutes (or don't).
-
Chizuk/Testimonial of the Day:
Facing the Monsters
-
Attitude Tip of the Day: The Battle Will Leave you
Stronger
-
Daily Dose of Dov: "Self-develop got me nowhere"
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Practical Tip of the Day
Try Again in 5
Minutes
(or don't)
By "Rage" (RATM)
We just installed a new spam-filter at work. It works like
this: whenever we get an email from anyone in the
world, our filter refuses it and sends it back to
the server saying: "I'm busy now, can you try again
in 5 minutes?"... The real legit e-mail servers
simply try again in five minutes and the email gets
through... The spam emails don't bother again in 5
minutes, they just move on to another target... This
already blocks 95% of the spam...
And I thought, hey! You know what? My addiction is sometimes
like that too... I feel a urge to act out but I tell
the addiction, "I'm busy now, come back in 5 minutes
and I will let you in"... I then e-mail a GYE friend
or I post something on the forum, or read through
some of the forum threads or the handbooks, and
guess what? The addiction does not bother to
return... Whenever I feel the urge to fall I say,
"ok I will fall, just a little later, not right now"
and then I get busy with something else... It
doesn't catch 100% of the addiction spam, but it
sure gets a whole lot! |
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Chizuk/Testimonial
of the Day
Facing the Monsters
"7Up" writes some chizuk to "theOne" on the forum:
Our fears and feelings often run - and
ruin - our lives. The more we run from them, the faster they chase
us; sending us on a never-ending journey of
"escape", which can lead us to the darkest caves and
holes in the world.
Until one day - if we are lucky - we realize that
the places we have resorted to hiding in, are so
much darker and scarier than the things we were
running from!
If you are here at
GYE, it means you have decided to face those
monsters now. And while the process may be painful
at times, remember, you are not alone. Not only are
we all here for you, ready to hold your hand
whenever needed, but most important of all, your
Tatty in shamayim is waiting to help you; to hold
you and help ease the way.
All you have to do is ask Him.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"theOne" responds:
Until now, "acting out" was a solution; a bad one -
and not even really helpful, but it gave me that
NUMB feeling. It actually let me forget everything
for 5 seconds. Then life got miserable again, and
even worse.
And that's why I'm
here on GYE.
And that's why I owe
Guard and Mom (7up) and everybody else, my life.
GYE was my last step.
I'm not just saying
that I was almost dead. I really mean it...
Ever since I've become a GYE-er, I've changed so much. The
amount of support I get... and chizuk and love and
knowledge. Even my friends tell me that they see I
am trying to change for the good
:-)
I never really had
the chance to thank you to everybody, especially Reb
Guard and Mom for EVERYTHING. You
are saving WORLDS daily!
THANK YOU! |
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Attitude Tip of the Day
The Battle Will Leave you Stronger
By "Briut"
The losers aren't the ones stuck in the dirt, but the ones who
gave up the battle along the way. Fighting with
(what seems to you to be) your last ounce of
courage, is the proof of how much you're able to
accomplish.
Most of us with a few
years and battles under our belt (forgive the pun),
can say that the true perspective & lessons of a
battle come only after it's behind us. When
you grab hold of some success, take time to enjoy
it, to show gratitude for it, to use it to fuel the
next round. Eventually you'll see that the battle
itself can provide the fuel and the victory. Just
hang on!
I know that breast
cancer patients can get visits from 5-year survivors
through the American Cancer Society. One of the
visitor's messages: "Breast cancer was the best
thing that ever happened to me." What a ridiculous
statement! Cancer as a GOOD thing? Mastectomy etc.
as a BLESSING? Seems ridiculous, no? But the
survivors talk about how, NOW THAT THEY'RE ON THE
OTHER SIDE, they see the blessings they wouldn't
have believed while in the battle. They've learned
compassion. True intimacy. Appreciation for life. An
deep inner happiness for the five-year cure. When
all is said and done, these patients can say that
they wouldn't trade their cancer battles for
anything.
And these aren't frum
women expressing "frum emunah and bitachon"
-- these are "regular Americans" who know that
battles can leave you stronger and happier than
ever.
And so, my dear
friend, if you're feeling like the battle is
amazingly hard, I advise you to focus on the
"afterwards" when you will feel strength and
happiness beyond imagination. That's not just a pep
talk, it is HKB'H's PROMISE to you as a Yid.
And look, He already
brought you to this community, didn't He? |
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Daily Dose of Dov
Dov is sober in SA for over 10 years. See his story
here.
"Self-development got me nowhere"
It seems to me that the greatest useful change
within myself from recovery so far, is the
(imperfect) acceptance that "things will be OK in
the end, no matter what."
Sounds overly positive/optomistic? Maybe. But
accepting that G-d is in
charge is the only satisfactory nechama to my
body/heart in response to it's searing pain when
lust "strikes" and I cannot give in to it. If I use
lust, my life is clearly over, so I do not have the
freedom to use it. But it still hurts terribly and
at times I feel I must use
it! I then tell my body/heart that "don't
worry, it's gonna be OK, He'll take care of me and
make it OK." Before accepting step 2 ("We
came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves
could restore us to sanity"), I was out in
the cold with no answer to this pain. So I almost
always acted out. I had to. How can a
person suffer so?
Before sobriety, even though I was frum,
learned, said the davening, was aware that He is
the Adon Olam, and knew the 13 articles of
faith basically as well as I do now - it was just no
answer for me then, at all. Nu. Apparently I had to
be shown that I am truly powerless and come to the
inescapable conclusion that I was a dead-man walking
- but did not want to die, thank-G-d. I was sure -
no, really positive,
that there was no way out for me. It seemed clear to
me that religion, G-d, and anything else that I had
tried till that point, could not save me. I did not
join SA with a plan to get better - I just gave up
on my lifestyle and had no
idea what
to do - and no tangible hope of ever getting better.
That really hurts
if you are already a married man with kids and "a
life", with no idea how to adjust to losing all
that... I just did not want to die this way. Only then was
I ready to start reaching out for Whoever was really
in Power, and got better.
Is this a
tangent? Sorry if it is, but I think it's important
to share, because it explains my motivation for
recovery. Until I finally lost - even as I was
actively destroying my life, and ruining the lives
of my wife and kids, with escalating and disgusting
acting out - my paramount interest was:
"self-development". Hey, it was my sworn
duty (per Gr"a, R' Elimelech, mussar seder in
yeshiva, and pretty much everything else in the
Torah seems to
imply that), though I was not doing a very good
job! And it seemed to me that this all-consuming
porn and acting-out problem I had was certainly,
ultimately, just another area of self-improvement
and Hashem's Will for me to "work on". I had a job
to do....
In the end, as I
hope you see by now, nothing could be further from
the truth - in
terms of my approach to it.
We are not interested in philosophy here, just the
business-end of recovery, I hope, so this shouldn't
bother anyone.
Hey - my acting
out had
little to do with what's right/wrong or
with philosophy, right? So recovery had to be
basically along the same lines, as my life does
today. In my case, as long as I was fighting this
problem in order to become a better person
- or even to do what I saw as Hashem's Will - I was
a loser and a dead-man. Apparently, it couldn't
be because of faith, "the Torah told me so", or to
get a reward (even self-fulfillment). It just had to
be to save my life. Totally selfish, "enlightened
self-interest".
Perhaps that was
how we accepted the Torah. We saw He was really,
really, Everything, and said to ourselves: Hey - we
will do whatever you
say!! No questions asked. We want to be with You!!
Make any sense? That was and is my journey.
And I owe it all to lust and schmutz, apparently the
agent chosen by Hashem (with some help from me) to
get me close to Him. |
|
|
695. |
Thursday ~ 13 Shvat, 5770 ~ January 28, 2010 |
|
In Today's Issue
-
Happy Announcement & Appeal:
New Groundbreaking Letters of Support
-
Mazal Tov to Eye.Nonymous on 90-Days!
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Happy Announcement - And Appeal
Click here
for a ground-breaking letter of support for our work that just
arrived TODAY by mail from
Dr. Rabbi Avraham J. Twerski, a Gadol in Klal
Yisrael, author of over
50 books, director of the
Gateway Rehab Center, and a world renowned
expert in addictions.
In spite of his policy not to give endorsements in recent
years, he broke tradition for what he calls "the
life-saving" work of GuardYourEyes.
Click here
for a
wonderful Haskama we received just last week from
The Rosh Yeshiva Rav Feldman, a member of the
Moetzes Gedolei Hatorah!
Please help us continue our work!
I am doing this mainly by myself. I can't do it
alone anymore. The demand is too great, the requests
coming in are too many. I am simply unable to answer
most e-mails that come in these days. I am
overwhelmed. I need a staff. We need to open a
center - to print out materials, to manage the
anonymous phone conferences, the hotlines, the daily
Chizuk e-mails (to over 1,200 members), to run the
forums, to expand the websites, to answer the
e-mails, to network with therapists and Rabbanim, to
advertise, to put out books, and so much more!
Please help me help Klal Yisrael. I am turning to
you personally.
Can you help us get connections with wealthy donors?
I desperately need to hire staff to help me with
web-development, Public Relations (i.e. advertising,
netorking with Rabbanim and professionals, etc..),
publishing, and telephone networking.
Perhaps you know a family member or wealthy "friend"
who would understand and appreciate what we are
doing and be willing to offer some consistent
monthly support (so we can hire staff)? I can send
you a presentation to show them, or you can send me
an e-mail with their telephone number and I will
personally call them and tell them about our work.
You can have the zechus of thousands of Neshamos!
There is nothing else in Klal Yisrael today like we
are doing. And the need is mind-boggling.
In the words of Rabbi Twerski in this
4 minute audio clip:
The kind of Shmutz that's out there is
unprecedented; I don't know that ever in history has
there been a period of moral darkness as bad as it
is today... I spent 40 years of psychiatric practice
primarily dealing with addictions. And most of the
time it was addictions to alcohol, addiction to
drugs. More recently, internet addiction has become
extremely serious. We have to be aware that
addictions are there and we do not have any immunity
to them. You have no idea as to what category of
people have fallen victim to internet pornography.
We would not think that these type of people would
be capable of it. But ... the Yetzer Hara is working
at full speed and full strength.... It's one of the
most powerful addictions. Day - after day - after
day - I get letters and calls from people who say,
"what can I do to save myself?" because they have
fallen into the pornography addiction and it has
taken them all the way down. Their learning is no
learning, their davening is no davening. It has
ruined more marriages than anything, ruined
families. It's been terribly destructive. I
saw one sefer that says that before the time of
Moshiach the Satan will have absolute control, and I
believe that we are now ready for Moshiach because
it seems that the Satan has got absolute control in
subjugating some of our finest people to this
horrible addiction.
And in the words of Rabbi Yosef Veiner in this
video Shiur from (starting from 22:15):
"Everybody here knows me quite well, I've been
around this neighborhood for many years. They know
that I'm not a 'Kanoi' and I don't exaggerate, - and
they should know that about Reb Mattisyahu (Salomon)
also, and about all the other Chashuvah Rabbanim who
speak about this issue. But I will tell you - and
there are those who will get annoyed at this and
perhaps combative and claim I'm not aware of the
real problems going on in Klal Yisrael - I'm
quite aware of what's going on in Klal Yisrael;
and I will still say, that this is the SINGLE,
BIGGEST problem facing us today - bar none. And the
reason is, because if you see someone being Mechalel
Shabbos in the street, you know what you're dealing
with. You can take him or her in, and try to be
mekarev them. If you see a problem out in the open,
you can deal with it. HERE WE HAVE A SILENT KILLER.
No one will know, no one has to know, you can do
whatever you want in the privacy of your home and
your office, and no one's the wiser. EXCEPT Hakadosh
Baruch Hu AND your wife and your kids after they see
the results, or your children, after YOU see the
results of what's happening to THEM. I cannot
overstate what a problem this is, and it boggles the
mind, because I spent an entire Shabbos Shuvah
Drasha last Shabbos Shuvah on this in Monsey; I
spent an entire Shabbos Shuvah drasha in Flatbush
six years ago, many of you probably remember it. You
would think that if credible people who are speaking
to an Olam that wants to do the right thing, you
would think this issue would be somewhat under
control. IT'S COMPLETELY OUT OF CONTROL. There's not
a week that goes by that I don't have honest
teenagers coming crying to me, Bochrium walking into
my study with tears on their cheeks, wondering if
they're ever gonna learn a blat gemara again. I have
parents bringing their children to me "I don't know
what happened to him, could you talk to him?"
Please use the PayPal options on the right side of
our website
www.guardyoureyes.org
to donate whatever you can. Monthly donation options
are available too. Please try and donate at least
$18 X 12.
Tizke Lemitzvos! |
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A Big Mazal Tov to Eye.nonymous for reaching 90 days clean and
joining the holy warriors on the
Wall of Honor!
Follow Eye.noymous's example and sign up
for your own personal journey to 90 days
over here!
Yesterday there was a Kumzitz in
Israel with a few other guys from
the forum at Eye.nonymous's home, in honor of
his milestone. Mazal Tov & Le'chayim!
"Eye.nonymous" wrote today on the forum a
very beautiful and inspiring post that brought tears
to my eyes. I MUST share it with all of you.
Today is day 90.
I appreciate everyone who attended the kumzitz last
night. ImTrying25, Sturggle, Battleworn, and Dov M.
from DC's group. It was a really intense evening and
I feel honored for hosting it. Also, I thank MOMO
and Loi-Misyeish for calling in, that was very much
appreciated. And, it was an especially great honor
to have a call-in from Guard.
I said a few words about the last 90 days, and I
thought it would be nice to write them here, too. It
was something like this:
90 days isn't really so much time, but on the other
hand it feels like a long time. One of the major
benefits from staying clean for 90 days is that it
really uncovers the lies of the Yeitzer Hara.
"I'm angry - I need to act out!"
"I'm frustrated - I need to act out!"
"I feel that URGE - I need to act out!"
"I just fought with my wife - I need to act out!"
90 days is long enough for all these things to have
happened (at least once). And-I DIDN'T ACT OUT! I
didn't explode. I'm still doing fine. The Yeiter
Hara REALLY is just telling a bunch of lies.
I would also say that it has taken me 7 months
(since joining GYE) to reach 90 days! And without
each of the previous falls (during the 7 months), I
would never have been able to stay clean for this
long now. There's more to it than just counting
days. After each fall I really analyzed - "WHY DID
I FALL?" and tried to correct that mistake. I might
have made another mistake the next time I fell, but
hopefully not the same mistake twice.
I found that I wasn't being driven to act out
because of such a huge desire to act out. Rather, it
was usually a stretch of depressing thoughts before
hand, that caused it. I learned to ward them off
when they started to come. And, I've been working on
pulling out positive thoughts as "preventative
medicine".
One incident that was especially frightening was one
day that I was just sitting in the Beis Medrash in
front of a Gemara. I felt the URGE. I wasn't having
a difficult time or anything, and I wasn't feeling
depressed about anything. I sent out a distress call
as soon as I could get to my computer. The basic
advice I got was "change your situation." I
couldn't, but I did put on some music and relax. I
changed my mood. Then I realized that the underlying
problem was something much more subtle; an
undercurrent of "tension". I was driving myself a
bit too much. I needed to relax. Not to be lazy, but
to be more easy going and flexible about things.
I was surprised that after conquering the more
obvious causes for acting out, I was starting to
notice more subtle triggers - and baruch Hashem,
eliminate them.
It was at that point that I stopped feeling so much
like a dry drunk, and I felt that I had really
changed. I felt that I hit on something that would
really carry me a long way.
I would say that another problem with this addiction
is that we expect that life is SUPPOSED to be always
happy and easy. So when it's not, we run to our
addiction for comfort.
Another realization I had
(particularly from some Chassidic seforim) is that
VAY'HI EREV, VAY'HI BOKER... And it was evening, and
it was morning. HASHEM CREATED THE WORLD so that
there's DARKNESS and then there's LIGHT. Over and
over and over again. DARKNESS and difficulties in
life, is a normal part of living. It's nothing to be
surprised or disappointed about. The BEST way to
deal with the difficulties in reality is just to
face them. They're a normal part of reality. AND
sometimes, the best we can do is just wait it out.
Morning will eventually come, even if we don't DO
anything.
Another point I would like to add is that while I
was merely posting chizuk to others, I felt that GYE
was artificial help. Messages from invisible people.
But when I sent out my distress call and got
immediate chizzuk, I started to feel, "Wow, people
are really out there who care about me! We're
struggling together!"
I thank ImTrying25
for initiating the GYE kumzitz. Meeting some other
GYE members face-to-face really helped me finally
feel: THIS IS REAL!!! It helped me feel a far
greater responsibility in this struggle, and it has
given me a lot of chizzuk.
I would also like to
thank Battleworn for introducing me to the
incredible Sefer of Rav Tzadok of Lublin, "Tzidkus
HaTzakik".
I would also like to
thank 7UP and Bardichev, among several others, who
promptly answered me during times of distress.
I would like to thank
GUARD for all his amazing work. I have been
struggling with this problem since my Bar mitzvah
(or even before). I have come so much further in the
past 7 months with the GYE community than I have
come in the previous 22 years!
When my wife left the
house before the Kumzitz last night, she wrote a
couple of notes for me to read:
Dear Eye.nonymous
(yes,
that's what she wrote)!
I'm so proud of you, and your hard introspection,
your soul-searching, and your growth. May you go
M'chayil L'chayil.
Mazel Tov! I appreciate your
constant efforts. Congrats on your milestone.
I'll
just end from a word from Guard. He reminded me when
he called in that With Hashem we can do it!
Without Him, we can't!
Thank you everyone
for your support.
With a heart
overflowing with gratitude,
--Eye.nonymous
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Yakov_Shwartz, who just reached his 1-Year Milestone with us
this week (see Chizuk e-mail #692) writes to
Eye.nonymous:
Mazel Tov Eye!
I just read your post and it is
beautiful; Pure Emes. The things you write
are yesodos in recovery. I hope you
continue to share them in the future with fellow
struggling addicts. Your story is really inspiring.
The first point you made is so
crucial. I remember myself when I finally realized
it and admitted it. It was my passageway for
recovery. Two nights ago, a friend of mine who
is struggling with this addiction wrote to me:
"I need help understanding and
feeling that nothing will happen if the Yetzer Hara
is trying. I don't have to relieve the urge... I
really need to work on dealing with knowing that I
will be tempted, my blood will be boiling, and that nothing will
happen if I don't give in to that."
I was so happy when he wrote this,
because he is beginning to understand this necessary
step. I hope he learns to internalize it just like
you did.
May you be zoche to continue growing
in inyanei kedusha and avodas Hashem
in general, and continue being an inspiration for
all of GYE and all of klal yisroel.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
This important "truth" that
Eye.nonymous and Yakov found so helpful in their
recovery, is a Yesod that we just brought in
yesterday's Chizuk e-mail in the "Daily Dose of
Dov". Dov wrote:
It seems to me that the greatest useful
change within myself from recovery so far, is the
(imperfect) acceptance that "things will be OK in
the end, no matter what."
Sounds overly positive/optimistic? Maybe. But
accepting that G-d is in
charge is the only satisfactory nechama to my
body/heart in response to it's searing pain when
lust "strikes" and I cannot give in to it. If I use
lust, my life is clearly over, so I do not have the
freedom to use it. But it still hurts terribly and
at times I feel I must use
it! I then tell my body/heart that "don't
worry, it's gonna be OK, He'll take care of me and
make it OK." Before accepting step 2 ("We
came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves
could restore us to sanity"), I was out in the
cold with no answer to this pain. So I almost always
acted out. I had to. How can a person
suffer so? |
|
|
696. |
Friday ~ 14 Shvat, 5770 ~ January 29, 2010 |
|
In Today's Issue
-
Parshas Bishalach:
Yetziyas Mitzrayim & Kriyas Yam-suf
Relate to Us!
-
Tu Bishvat:
Renewal & Hope
-
Happy Announcement & Appeal:
New Groundbreaking Letters of Support
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
What does Yetziyas Mitzrayim and Kriyas Yam Suf
have to do with us?
Every human being needs to ultimately undergo a
Yetziyas Mitzrayim and Kriyas Yam Suf of sorts,
sooner or later. Mitzrayim symbolizes "Self-Will",
which we are all slaves to from birth, and "leaving
Mitzrayim" symbolizes giving over our will to Hashem.
Pharaoh symbolizes our "self-will". And he won't let
us go and serve Hashem until he has "hit bottom" big
time. That is why Yetziyas Mitzrayim is mentioned no
less than 50 times in the Torah. This is what it's
all about, folks.
With addicts, the process of Yetziyas Miztrayim is
much clearer to see. If used correctly, the
addiction can expedite our personal and spiritual
growth to the highest levels, if we learn to view
the process for what it really is.
At first, we refuse to give up our "self-will" on
our own - and we let ourselves become enslaved to
Pharaoh more and more. After making enough bad
choices, often our "free-will" is taken away from us
"vayachbed Hashem es Libo" and we no longer
have the choice to simply give up the "Jewish
People" to serve Hashem, no matter how smitten we
feel. Hashem "hardens our (read: the addiction's)
heart", for the purpose of showing His true
strength. As Hashem said to Pharaoh, "For this
alone I have kept you, to show you my strength..."
Until finally, when Hashem sends "Kol Magefosai
el Libecha" - and we understand that we
literally stand before life and death (step 1 of the
12-Steps), are we finally willing to "Give Up" our
will to Hashem and let the "Jewish people" go serve
their G-d (steps 2-3).
All those times that we tried to stop and couldn't -
in spite of receiving Makka after
Makka; all the "hardening of our hearts" that Hashem
did to us - served one purpose only. We now know
clearly that we can NOT do it on our own. The
"hardening of our hearts" (i.e. the baffling power
of the addiction - and the first nine Makkos we
got), show us clearly that we are powerless to
"release" the Jewish people (read: our self will) on
our own. Only when that 10th and final
Makka hits us and we see that major parts of us -
our lives, our families and all that is precious to
us, is being flushed down the toilet of our
addiction - and we finally feel that we stand before
life and death, are we finally able to admit defeat
and let HASHEM take the Jewish people out.
At that point we are willing to admit that we can't
on our own, and that only Hashem can. And so
we give over our will to Hashem and let Him take
over. (Step 3)
Or so we think.
As we leave Mitzrayim (our self-will) behind, we
enter the barren desert and try to let Hashem run
things, for a change. But our addiction (self-will)
suddenly can't deal with the new reality. How can we
follow G-d into the wilderness? We have lived our
entire lives on "self-will"! And so we find
ourselves standing before the Yam Suf. Our addiction
/ self-will is chasing us from behind and we
know clearly that if it catches up to us again, we
are doomed to eternal servitude - and death. But in
front of us stands the sea. If we enter there,
we will surely drown!
And so we cry out to G-d from the depths of our
hearts. "Father, I can't go back there any
more, but I can't move forward either!"
Answers Hashem, "It is for this moment I have
waited, my dear son. Why do you cry to me? Let go
and let G-d. Trust in me completely and just
MOVE FORWARD.
"Daber el Benai Yisrael Vi'sa'u!"
And so we enter the water until our necks, with
complete faith and trust - against all our
instincts, and the miracle of Kriyas Yam Suf
occurs!
We see that we do not drown, after
all. We are walking on "dry land" amidst the sea. We
really can leave Mitzrayim! We really
can give up our self-will completely!
As long as we know 100 percent that it is
Hashem who is in charge, and it is
Hashem who is holding us, we discover the
miracle of walking on dry land amidst the sea!
And with this realization, we finally witness our
"self-will" (addiction) drown forever in the waters
that we thought would drown us.
And our hearts fill with true joy and we sing the
Shira - "Az
Yashir"
in future tense, because each and
every Jew will undergo this process, somehow or
another. Each and every Jew will one day sing this
praise to Hashem, where he finally recognizes and
understands how all the suffering he underwent until
now, was only to bring him to complete dependence
and trust in Hashem.
"Hashem ish Milchama Hashem Shemo!"
And with this newly found "G-d strength", we are
able to follow Hashem into the wilderness where He
is a pillar of fire and warmth in the nights
(symbolizing all the hard bumps of life), and He is
a Sukka of Ananei Hakavod by day...
(symbolizing the good times, when we truly feel G-d's
loving embrace)...
And we return to our "youthful" trust in Hashem,
"Zacharti Lach Chesed Ne'urayich... Lech Tech
Acharai Bamidbar..."
And our loving Father protects us in the desert from
all harm and "turns the rock into a pool of
water, the stone to springs of water" - and
feeds us Manna from the sky, one day at a time.
And now we are ready to receive Torah. |
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Tu Bishvat
By "7Up"
In general in Israel, Tu Bishvat day
dawns cold, wet and dreary. Sometimes there is snow.
One thing is definite: spring is nowhere in sight.
Except for the almond tree. Every year, the almond
tree is in bloom, with its delicate and fragile
looking blossoms standing out in stark contrast to
the harsh winter conditions. Sometimes the flowers
are powdered with snow, often the strong winter
winds have the trees battling to remain standing.
Yet somehow, those softest of blossoms manage to
withstand everything, and continue clinging to the
branches which are their lifeline.
I think that in so many ways, this under-appreciated
chag has some of the deepest lessons to teach us.
The purpose of Tu B'Shvat is to celebrate renewal
and hope. Sure there are still about 2 hard months
ahead of us before the warmth of spring takes over.
But Hashem is telling us something so important.
Yes, all looks dark. The trees are bare, the grass
seems dead and renewal seems impossible in this
stark landscape. But
focus on that almond tree. Its our symbol that
despite what we see - darkness and despair - things
are happening which we can not yet see. The seeds
are long sown, and under the ground, far from our
vision, they are starting to awaken and grow so that
when the time is right, they will suddenly pop out
from the ground and the world will be awash in a
kaleidoscope of color!
Our problems - individual as well as national - have
led us to the darkest part of galus, and total
winter surrounds us. But the seeds of geulah are
long sown, and in realms beyond our understanding,
things are sprouting and growing. And when we least
expect it, mashiach will arrive, heralding a new
spring and new beginning.
We must all be those almond blossoms, holding on
despite the raging winds and bitter cold. Because
geulah is around the corner and we will be the very
first to greet it! |
|
|
697. |
Sunday ~ 16 Shvat, 5770 ~ January 31, 2010 |
|
In Today's Issue
-
The GYE Lighthouse:
Facing the Truth
-
Attitude Tip of the Day:
Will We Ever Find What We Seek?
-
Story of the Day:
Yosef Joins Live SA Meetings for the First Time
-
Daily Dose of Dov:
"Lose yourself in life, find yourself in G-d"
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"The GYE Lighthouse" (Updated)
DOWNLOAD IT HERE
(Right Click and Choose "Save Target/Link As")
I just finished compiling a PDF file called "The GYE
Lighthouse" (please disregard previous versions you
may have seen).
It's a POWERFUL presentation showing the severity of
the problem of internet addiction in our community
today.
-
Haskamos on our work from Gedolim who talk about
the magnitude of the problem in their
endorsements.
-
Recordings from Shiurim of Gedolim & Rabbanim
who openly claim that this is by far the most
destructive issue facing Klal Yisrael today.
-
Frightening testimonials from Talmidei Chachamim,
our very best and brightest - who have contacted
us for help.
-
A shocking letter from a Rebbe showing the
extent of the problem in children as young as 11
years old!
-
Some quotes showing the "culture of denial" that
is prevalent in our community.
-
Suggestions that perhaps this "culture of
denial" is slowly beginning to change, thanks to
our work at GYE.
Please send this file to your mailing
lists. Print it out and show it to Askanim, Rabbanim
and people who may be able to help GYE with
financial support. Please help us help Klal Yisrael.
No one else is doing this today - and the need is
mind boggling!
(For more great "Presentation Material" that
can be shown to Rabbanim / Askanim / potential
donors, please see
this post on our forum). |
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Attitude Tip of the Day
Will We Ever Find What We Seek?
What do we seek in lust? It is our
subconscious that is craving true love and true
security. There's a deep need inside of us that we
desperately attempt to fill with lust. But the lust
never fills it, and can NEVER fill it.
The fulfillment of the most amazing fantasy we could
ever imagine, is with flesh - rotting flesh. And it
leaves us feeling empty and disillusioned.
So are we destined to run after this deep
subconscious need our whole lives and never find
what we are TRULY looking for? Isn't that cruel of
G-d? After all, he created us with this deep inner
longing to love and be loved
deeply, to feel comfortable and secure, completely
en-wrapped and connected to someone who we
love deeply and who loves us deeply in return... We
crave this at the very core of our essence. Why? Why
must we suffer so? So
many people run their whole lives desperately trying
to fill this need with things that "look like" they
hold the answer to this need, at least somewhat...
But they never find it... What is the meaning of it
all? Why are the things that look so good to
us really so bad for us? Why is the world so
cruel?
The answer, my friend, is right in the room with you
now. There is no need to run after anything, anything at
all. He is right there and He loves you infinitely.
And He is just waiting for you to give yourself
completely over to Him.
Davka by
giving up the things that "look so good" but aren't,
do we learn how to give up our "self-will" and
connect to G-d in the deepest way.
Yes, we CAN love
and be loved,
in a way that is far deeper than we could have ever
imagined. We truly can find
pleasure, comfort and security that we only dreamed
could exist in this dark world. For He is the source
of all good, all pleasure, all security, all beauty,
all love. The subconcious need that we had all our
lives is really a "G-d hole" inside of us... All
that we seek can truly be found in Him.
When we give ourselves over to Him 100%, we can
finally start to feel it. Everything we ever thought
we needed and craved, is there in Him.
May Hashem help us lose ourselves in His loving
embrace for all eternity.
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Story of the Day
Yosef Joins Live SA Meetings For the First Time
Posted on
the forum
today:
Halavei, I should be young. I'll give
you a hint to how old I am. I was alive when Nikita
Krushef was banging his shoe on the table (I think
it was at the UN). If I were a young guy and
starting recovery, I would have many more years of
good living ahead of me. Instead I have made life
very hard for myself and my family. Yes I do have a
wife and a bunch of kids, but you can imagine what
kind of husband and father I have been. When I was
forced to confess everything to my wife almost 2
years ago, I thought she would leave me. Instead she
said "why didn't you tell me before, I could have
helped you". I have just joined live SA groups for
the first time. This may sound "brave", but I really
am not. I'm just out of options. You see everybody's
disease progresses in its own ways and at its own
speed. Mine really fooled me big time, because for
many years it was "content" with masturbation and a
little voyeurism - nothing that was too risky
(except that it was rotting me from the inside). But
then, out of nowhere about 12 years ago, my illness
took off like a rocket and I have ventured deep into
far riskier and sicker means of getting my "high"
than masturbating in front of a computer. But it all
came about because the disease blinded me into
thinking that I could somehow beat this thing
my way. My only chance, and B"H, I really
believe this now, is to surrender myself to meetings
and being amongst other guys like me. My SA meetings
are the Holiest time of the day for me. I hope it
doesn't take you guys as many years as it took me to
give in. I had to be clobbered over the head by
someone who saw right through me and how I was
conning myself. Now he is my Rebbe.
As I was saying, I have started face-to-face SA meetings (5 meetings in
the last 5 days). And I had no idea what I was
missing. The feeling of togetherness amongst other
addicts is very powerful - it's hard to describe why
it is helping so much more than the
online SA meetings did (since we use all the
same materials) but I feel as though a huge weight
has been removed from me. I have been traveling to
different groups and making this a part of my day -
it's just as important or more for me than going to
shul. I'm slowly getting a better sense of who I
actually am, when I'm there with others. My life and
my addiction always kept me apart from people even
when I was with them. I've been hearing very
inspirational shares by others and have been trying
to speak in details about aspects of my disease that
I have always kept to myself. This has been
liberating. I have been impressed with every meeting
that I have attended so far. There is really so much
out there for us. I had to surrender a lot of pride,
shame and fear to show my face at these meetings,
but as someone said, he would rather be caught
coming out of a recovery meeting than out of a house
of prostitution. I feel a part of the larger SA
recovery movement now. I feel that I take the
program and my new SA friends with me now into my
day. And I finally am feeling closer to Hashem.
Like many guys on this forum, for a long time I couldn't bring myself
to join live groups - and I didn't know how others
could go either! Why was I so fearful and ashamed,
and yet they were able to? Someone explained to me
that it was because I wasn't really sober (in my
thinking yet). My need for "dignity" was my disease
talking - as if my masturbating while peeking into
windows was really dignified. Or trying to make
out with someone who could be my grand-daughter was
dignified. I must admit that walking into an SA room
for the first time didn't exactly feel like I was
the guest of honor at a Yeshiva's Annual Dinner -
but those kind of honors are not going to help me
stay sober. I need to be in touch with who I
really am; how far I've gone and the danger of
even riskier compulsive sexual behavior that this
disease will lead me to if I don't go to meetings.
And once I sat down and looked around, I realized
that I was exactly where I need to be. I then felt
"held" and very safe in these groups which were very
well officiated. I have been feeling more free to be
myself lately.
To all of you here. I suggest getting together at meetings. If its
embarrassing, then so be it. It will be the best
thing to lose that embarrassment. It will be a
relief to see that admitting to each other that we
are sex addicts only strengthens us and makes us
feel more whole. There are so many goyim who have
been doing this (the groups) for so many years.
Hashem protects them and nothing bad happens. The
worst thing that could happen (that we lose some
pride) becomes the best thing that could
happen: a whole new way of life opens up for us.
There is really nothing that the non-addict world
can do to us if we stick together. Togetherness and
helping each other is where Hashem is. We've
got no choice but to trust this and take the first
step to believing it.
In this week's Parasha, Hashem said to Moshe: Mah
titzak alei? Why do you cry out to me? The
question is, why not? What's wrong with
Davening to Hashem to split the Yam Suf? The Ohr
HaChaim explains that there are times when people
have to do more than pray - they have to
demonstrate their worthiness to be saved. Therefore
Hashem commanded Moshe to stop praying. Instead, He
wanted to see the people show their readiness to put
their lives in "danger". Go ahead and jump into the
water (do you really think that I'm not right there
to catch you?). Walking into SA meetings still feels
a little like this for me, but I know that that I
have to find a meeting to go to, otherwise I will
end up dead or in jail. I just think about how it
would feel to be publicly exposed for what I am, as
compared to admitting it too a room of guys like all
of you guys here!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Daily Dose of Dov
"Lose yourself in Life, Find Yourself In
G-d"
Dov (sober in SA for over 10 years)
responds to Yosef's post:
Dear Yosef,
You remind me of what I heard from a beautiful drunk
named Chuck C. who died with over 30 years of
sobriety: "We wanted so
much to
be a part of -
but we were forever apart from!"
He saw our tendency toward inner isolation (that is
often unknown to even our closest people)
as a great curse of addiction. You are breaking out
of it the hard way, by opening up precisely in this area
- and it is the only way I have ever known to access
normalcy.
Chuck also talked a lot about giving up the
ego/pride, as you are slowly doing, by not giving so
much credence to our little worries and convoluted
thinking and figuring.... He called the process
"getting lost in living,
and waking up in G-d." Beautiful, beautiful
words to me. You seem to understand this, too.
Hatzlocha, chaver. |
|
|
698. |
Monday ~ 17 Shvat, 5770 ~ February 1, 2010 |
|
In Today's Issue
-
Announcement:
New Clinical Therapy Group with Zeva Beginning
-
Personal Victory:
A Goodbye Letter to My Past
-
Daily Dose of Dov:
"All I really needed was a broken heart"
- Don't MISS!
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Announcement
Professional Clinical Therapy with:
Zeva
Citronenbaum LCSWR CSAT
Zeva's group is
beginning a new cycle next week!
Strictly confidential
Only $200 for 10 weeks.
Please fill out the applications on this
page.
For more info contact:
Mrs. Zeva Citronenbaum
Confidential Hotline: 845-222-0580
e-mail: acoachservice@yahoo.com
Zeva Writes:
Hi everyone,
I wanted to share a thought with you. The Pasuk
says: "Self-reproach in the heart of a person is
better then one hundred lashes"; The humbleness from
reproach is more evident in an understanding man,
then a hundred lashes in a fool.
Despite the many techniques to treat people in
distress, it is recognized that the success of an
individual depends not on any one specific
technique, but rather on a person's own resolve to
change. Only when this is achieved can a technique
be useful in Recovery Treatment.
Rabbi Dessler suggests that before improvement can
be implemented, emends for past must be made ("Michtav
MeEliyahu Vo. 5 p 241).
Rav Dessler also states, that when striving to reach
a worthwhile goal, a person will willingly work hard
to achieve it, regardless of the obstacles he faces.
So this is the last round-up for our group. I
believe we can start next Tuesday IY"H.
We will also have a co-leader who will act as a
group member as well. His name is Mr. Lichtenstein.
He is an expert in dealing with intimacy issues on
the women's side. It should be interesting.
So if anyone still wants to join, this is your last
chance.
Thanks,
Zeva Citronenbaum
See this
page for more details on Zeva's Group |
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Personal Victory
A Goodbye Letter to My Past
By "sci1977" who is clean for 75 days and whose
beautiful story appeared in Chizuk e-mail #663 on
this page.
Dear
Past,
It has been time to
write this for a while, and we have been on a break
here for some time. Here I am, still alive without
you. I thought you and I were joined at the hip and
never going to split, but this is my goodbye to you.
I don't resent you, for you are not where the fault
lies. Yes, you are tempting and sometimes extremely
desirable, but that is not what I need. I need
sanity and order. I do not need you to live. I
thought you were my water and sustenance, which
would drive me through every problem I had. But all
you were was a crutch to help me get to the next
moment of desire. In my mind you were a toy, and now
that I grew up I do not need toys. I have found
something better to spend my time on: LIFE.
Goodbye to the hotel
rooms, the text messages, the emails, the websites
and most of all, to the evening ladies. You, my
past, are like a bad girlfriend that you start out
liking how she makes you feel, but after a while you
truly understand that she is causing you to go
insane. I was sick to use you the way I did, but I
didn't know that at the time. I now understand that
I don't need you. I don't need the small high I
would get. Life is a better high then anything I
used to do in watching or participating with someone
that only wants to take my money. I have a heart and
feelings. You have given me no comfort or support.
Most of all, I have pride on how I should act. Being
with you doesn't give me a great feeling. All it
does is give me a way to escape reality. But life
is reality, for good and for bad.
I do not need the
hours of looking at porn nor those sick encounters,
to function. I don't miss the lies to myself and to
everyone around me. I don't miss the thought in the
back in my head, "what if my wife finds out?" And I especially
don't miss the times where I would bounce from one
form of the addiction to another, suddenly
discovering that my entire day was gone. I don't
miss it at all.
I need to feel loved
and welcomed for who I am. I have found that
without you. All that surrounds me, is exactly
what I need; True love of a spouse; Honest loyalty
from my kids; Gratitude from my friends. What did
you ever give me other then a quick high and less
money? NOTHING!!
I need to teach my
kids to be honorable people. They should never be
people that sneak around on a computer or in hotel
rooms. My marriage is much more important. I
need good and decent people; structured with G-d -
and with love and feelings. Am I scarred by you?
Yes. But will I come out stronger without
you, YES!!!!!!!! I am putting you on a dark shelf in
the closet of my brain, where the stupid and dumb
stuff I have done, resides. I will never forget you
and how you made me feel. I was an empty shell that
had no feelings nor true heart.
It's time to say
goodbye to you, you who seemed like a family member
of my youth. You made me think that sex was
something I could have whenever I wanted it. Sex is
not something to just get and move on with the day.
It's a special time with someone you feel love for,
it's not just for "getting" pleasure. It is a place
of true security, and it is meant to be an
ingredient to one's life. It's not what makes
our life.
You ask "where I will
go without you", well I am going to better
places. I am going to go out to dinner with my wife,
or to see my kids more and work more. I am going to
live life to the fullest. I am not going to get
caught up with you anymore. I don't need you to
survive. I now have natural highs. "Living" is truly
the best way to move forward. I can't even thank you
for anything.
You are my past, all I want now is my future
with family, G-d and friends. The only thing
I want to say is "goodbye and good riddance".
Goodbye, lust,
goodbye.
Sci1977
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Daily
Dose of Dov
Dov is sober in SA for over 10 years. See his story
here.
"All I really needed to recover was a broken heart"
Chazal ask why "the earlier
generations of yidden would remove their shoes to begin a
fast and were immediately answered with rain, while we fast
and scream all day and still suffer with droughts?"
They do not answer
that the earlier generations learned more or did
more mitzvos. They just suggest that the ingredient
yidden had in the old days was Mesiras Nefesh. MN is
translated literally as: "giving the self". The word
"nefesh" is typically understood as referring to our
self-ness, or personal desire (as in:
"im
yeish es nafshechem =
if
you desire/want").
I
believe that Mesiras nefesh is the sacrifice of ego.
It's my "leiv" (as in "levavchem" - all our personal desire)
- the "me" that we hold onto so tightly that it
can't breathe. It seems that for an addict it needs
to break to
ever get better. For an addict, the "me" is
intertwined with the addiction, and lust has become
the very air he or she breathes. No? Well then why
can't the poor fellow just go without it? hmmm... It
fills our ego and even takes G-d's rightful place as
our prime motivator. Chazal refer to that state as
having: "El zar" - a foreign god (in the heart of
man - Gemara).
OK so far?
"Zivchei Elokim ruach nishbara
-
Leiv nishbar v'nidkeh Elokim lo sivzeh" (Teh.
51)
Gm' Sanhedrin 43b:
RYb"L said "in the old days people would bring
different korbanos and have different s'char for
each one; but one who "da'ato shfeilo olov" (holds
himself/his concerns to be very low) is considered
as if he brought all the
korbanos! As it says: "the sacrifices Hashem
prefers (zivchei Elokim) are a broken
spirit/will (ruach nishbara). Not only that, but
Hashem attends to such a person's prayers, as it
says (in the rest of the posuk): "a broken and
beaten down heart will not be despised by Elokim"."
(btw, see the beginning of
that piece where RYb"L talks about the person
who "sacrifices his Y"H and admits his
wrongdoing"... apropos here).
As far as my recovery is concerned, it seems to me
that all I
really needed was a truly broken heart. Not sad, but
broken. By which I mean, to give up on my will: My will
to be able to keep using lust and yet remain in
control. My will
to get better the
way I wanted to -
by "doing teshuvah". My will
to finally be a "winner" against this problem. I
couldn't have any of
those dreams. That's how I experienced "hitting
bottom": Bankruptcy.
So to
me, the broken heart is simply finally giving up and
growing up - and staying that
way. Living with the steps means nothing more or
less than being aware of my true place and my
dependence on Hashem because of
who I am - not in spite of
it. And thankfully, Hashem never makes my heart
unbroken ever again. He helps me keep it broken,
lest I die in my addiction/insanity. And He helps it
be broken with joy!
Just to end this megillah with a vort
from R' Simcha-Bunim of P'shischa about this broken
heart:
In the second Halleluka we say each
day:
"Harofey
l'nishberei leiv
-
He
is the One who heals the broken-hearted".
He asks: Why heal them? A broken heart is so
precious! R' Simcha-Bunim answers with the end of
the pasuk:
"um'chabeish
l'atzvosom
-
and
(or by) tending to their sadness"
and explains that Atzvus - sadness, has nothing to
do with shivron leiv at all, but we are only human
and sometimes confuse our own broken-heartedness
with tragedy and feel sorry for ourselves. Sadness
poisons a broken heart because feeling sorry for
ourselves returns us to even deeper isolation and
self-centeredness than before! That's when Hashem,
the best doctor, steps in and removes the sadness,
leaving the
sweet, broken heart -
"um'chabesh
l'atzvosom"!
He saves us from ourselves! |
|
|
699. |
Tuesday ~ 18 Shvat, 5770 ~ February 2, 2010 |
|
In Today's Issue
-
Battle Communication: I Will Revenge My Eyes
-
Testimonials of the Day:
The GYE Forum - Sign Up Today!
-
Attitude Tip of the Day:
Not one Inch
-
Daily Dose of Dov:
All We Have is NOW
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Battle
Communication
I Will Revenge My Eyes
Ahron posted on
the forum:
I've had it with falling. I'm serious now. I will
not let anything get in my way. Not my yetzer hara,
depression or anything else. I have potential for
greatness! Hashem has blessed me with more than I
could ever desire. He has absolute love for me. I
will not be controlled by my depression. I am here
to change myself, my community and the world at
large, simply one day at a time, one smile at a
time.
I am put in this world for the ultimate pleasure and
I'm not going to let some petty, deceiving, sly,
mamzer, shaigetz, snake of a yetzer hara take
any of it away from me.
GET OUT!!! GET OUT OF ME!!!! I'M IN
CONTROL!!!
Any time I find myself getting weak, I want
to realize the tremendous signs I'm getting at that
moment to stop. I want to stop living in the past
and start living in the present. There is so much
pleasure in my life. I'm not alone. No one ever is.
I am always loved by my Creator, no matter how far I
fall, and I'll always get back up no matter how bad
the trip. I am a Jew, descendant of the holiest
people on earth. My blood is the blood descending
from a people who gave millions of their lives to
promote the name of G-d in the world!!
"Bardichev" responds to Ahron on
the forum:
HEILIGEH AHARON!!
I AM CRYING TEARS FOR YOU!!
I AM SO TOUCHED BY YOUR SINCERE QUEST TO RID
YOURSELF OF THE
FILTHY YETZER HARA!!
AHARON, I HAVE SEEN MANY MIRACLES IN GYE.
TODAY AS I WAS READING YOUR THREAD ON MY BLACKBERRY,
THE SONG ON MY JEWISH RADIO WAS...
"ZACHREINI NA"
THE LAST TEFILLAH OF SHIMSHON HAGIBBOR...
"ZACHRAINI NAH UPUKDAINI NAH"
"HASHEM REMEMBER ME AND LISTEN TO MY TEFILLAH
PLEASE"
"ACH HAPAAMM HAZEH"
"JUST THIS ONE TIME"!!!!
"VE-INAKMAH"
"AND I WILL REVENGE"
"ACHAS MISHTAEI EINAI"
"ONE OF MY TWO EYES"
"MI'PLISHTIM"
"FROM THE PLISHTIM"
AHRON, I CRANKED THE MUSIC FULL BLAST IN MY TRUCK!!
AND WITH TEARS IN MY EYES,
I DAVENED FOR YOU, FOR ME, FOR ALL OF THE CHEVRA HERE:
HASHEM!
"ACH HAPAAM HAZEH"
"JUST ONE MORE TIME"
PLEASE HASHEM,
I NEED TO REVENGE MY EYES.
THE PLISHTIM POKED OUT THE EYES
OF BOCHURIM, YUNGERLITE, BOYS, GIRLS
REBBES, TEACHERS, MORAHS, MASHGICHIM
EVERYONE!
WE ARE WALKING IN SEDOM AND AMORRA
THIS GENERATION IS "NUKED" BY FILTH!
THE STINKIN IPODS, THE FILTHY INTERNET
THE RADIO, THE PAPERS, THE LACK OF TZNIUS!!!!!
UCHHHHHH
HASHEM, MY EYES ARE POKED OUT!!!!
"VI-INAKMMAH!!!!"
"I WILL REVENGE!"
I WILL FIGHT
I WILL PULL DOWN THE PILLARS OF
THE INTERNET
I WILL FLUSH MY I-POD DOWN THE TOILET
HASHEM, GIVE ME A FIGHTING CHANCE!
AHRON, TAKE YOUR KINNAS
HASHEM
AND "HIT
HIM BETWEEN THE EYES"
GEVALDIGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG
POST HERE ALL DAY.
PM US!
WE ARE HERE FOR U!!
Bardichev |
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Testimonials of the Day
The GYE Forum
Are
you guys on the forum yet? Sign up
here
today!
"Sci1977" (whose letter appeared in yesterday's
e-mail) posted recently on
the forum:
I was scared when I first joined the forum, but I
realized about three posts in, "why be nervous? Just
write how you feel". It's the best thing I have ever
done in my life, period.
So what made me join, you might ask. I read the
first few paragraphs of
the handbook and boy, I knew I was in the right
place. I signed up about 30 minutes later and
haven't looked back. I know that without the GYE
forum, I would not be in the same place I am now.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Shmiratainayim" posted recently:
The forum gives me a place to turn to, It's almost
like turning to your parents for help and guidance.
There are fellow posters here that I don't want to
disappoint with a fall, and there are others whom I
turn to for chizuk. And like every structured
family, I can always come for a good chat to lift me
out of depression. GYE serves the role that my own
parents should be doing, if they only how to be good
parents.
GYE is my family, and one day I will B"H have a real
one, but until then I have you guys..... |
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Attitude Tip of the Day
Not one Inch
"Rage" (RATM) writes to someone on
the forum:
I think we may have lost focus a little... we've been taking it
a little easy on lust... maybe allowing it a little
wiggle room here or there.. It's time we look this
addiction in the eye and proudly proclaim: Not one
inch!... There is no room here for negotiations...
If we allow lust even a speck of space to lollygag
in our minds, it will snowball into the flesh eating
monster we know so well... Not one inch! We cannot
afford to appease this addiction or let our guard
down... We need to be vigilant... to be on the
offensive... No lustful thoughts... Not even the
slightest one...
P**n serves only to objectify humans and remove the human
element from love... It serves no useful purpose...
It's simply an easy thrill that's easy to sell...
And the world eats that trash up, they eat it up,
drink it up... It's part of the machine that tries
to make a buck by convincing us that p**n and mast**
is normal and natural and part of life, the way
going to the bathroom is normal... It is not
normal... It only works to destroy us and remove our
humanity and make us drones... It has no value
whatsoever...
Thank G-d we found GYE, the beacon of light in this dark and
horrible world... The revolutionary underground
where we know that the war is not over, G-d did not
lose and we will fight back...
We will fight back! |
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Daily Dose of Dov
Dov is sober in SA for over 10 years. See his story
here.
All We Have is NOW
To me there is no difference between day 3 and day 5,003. None
whatsoever. Both are a miracle, and both have a
50/50 chance to reach, at best. And those are not
just words.
Whatever progress I have made, I prefer to forget! The past is
no insurance at all for me. What really matters is
the truth about me: how I am right now!
Perhaps it's finally
time to quit counting the days and focus on making
the days count...
I pray for you that you never give
up your baby-like dependence upon Hashem to stay
sober even one single
day, till you die after 120. That feeling of
confidence that "I'll probably stay clean now, it
seems that I've got it down" is precisely what
I thought between the sickest acting-out binges
during all those years when I was so incredibly busy
"doing teshuva". I was always so sure I'd
never go "back out there".
Thinking about
tomorrow is just as poisonous to me, whether I say
it comes from Hashem this time, or whether I say it
comes from my own power. It's poisonous because:
it's a lie. No
one is
sober yesterday or tomorrow. We are only going to be
sober today. |
|
|
700. |
Wednesday ~ 19 Shvat, 5770 ~ February 3, 2010 |
|
In Today's Issue
-
Battle Communication: Why Wasn't I Who I Could Have Been?
-
Testimonial of the Day:
"It was all Kedai"
-
Quote of the Day:
The Cool Cat
-
Daily Dose of Dov:
Powerless Yet Sober
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Battle
Communication
Why Wasn't I Who I Could Have Been?
"theOne" wrote on the forum:
I saw the following idea in a Sefer once, and it helps me to
keep strong so I thought I might post it...
The Jewish concept of
Gehinnom is that after the soul leaves the
body and ascends to the spiritual worlds, it
encounters a fearsome being: The person it COULD
HAVE been.
This person looks a
lot like him, but is kinder, more generous, less
lazy, and more truthful.
Burning regrets over
unrealized potential are the real fires of
Gehinnom!
The good news is,
that as long as I'm still breathing it's not too
late to become the person I could have been
("as long as the candle is still lit, one can still
fix").
This is the method of
Teshuvah endorsed by the Rambam. He says to
visualize your ideal self, and then formulate
specific steps for how to get from here to
there.
I know that we're now
in recovery and we should concentrate less on
Teshuvah and more on how to get our life under
control, and how to fill our lives with positive
things. But
I have a picture in mind: A goal.
When I fall, I tell
myself: Yes, I fell... but instead of concentrating
on that fall, I think about that picture; what I
actually want to be.
After 120, Hashem
won't ask me why I wasn't Avraham Avinu or Sarah
Imeiynu, but He will ask me why I wasn't "theOne".
"TheOne" has the ability to get rid of the lust, to keep strong
- and to fill life with happiness. And if I don't do
everything I can to become "thatOne", only then
will I have failed.
By reading the
GYE handbooks, the threads on
this forum, joining
Duvid Chaim's calls and taking the necessary
steps... I am doing my job.
With Hashem's help I
will win the war!!! |
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Testimonial of the Day
"It was all Kedai"
"Kedusha", who arranged for us the
Haskama from Rav Feldman
over here, posted on the forum today:
Last night, I had the privilege of speaking
in person with the Rosh Yeshiva, Rav Feldman Shlita,
for half an hour about GYE matters. In discussing
the forum, I used one of the forum members, a
dear friend, as an example of someone for whom the
forum has been his lifeline. Furthermore, in a
letter that I sent to the Rosh Yeshiva this morning,
I sent a copy of this person's testimonial. Later, I
told this person about all this and he responded:
Kedusha, I am blown away! I am so overcome
with emotion! Wow! Maybe this means it was all Kedai;
all the Yeridos and Aliyos.
To which I responded:
If I can speak for myself: It was all
Kedai, my dear friend.
All the pain. All the tears. Having to shake my
Rav's hand with a blush on my face, thinking "if
only he knew". Having to face my wife and children
in the morning, with a painful secret weighing down
on me. Attending my child's Siddur play while ridden
with guilt. All of this was clearly meant to be, so
that I can get closer to Hashem in the process of
recovery, and help others in this position as well,
b'Ezras Hashem. And, my newly developed relationship
with the Rosh Yeshiva - that's a wonderful fringe
benefit, which I'm very grateful for. Not to mention
my precious friends from the forum. |
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Quote
of the Day
The Cool Cat
"Bardichev" posts to the Yetzer Hara:
HEY, YETZER HARA, I LIKE YOUR STYLE!
YOU'RE A COOL CAT.
BUT YOU KNOW WHAT?
I DON'T BUY JUNK FROM
A CHEAP SALESMAN IN A POLYESTER SUIT
TOO MANY RINGS...
MUCH TOO MUCH CHEAP
COLOGNE...
YOUR HAIR HAS TOO
MUCH HAIR-SPRAY...
AND THOSE SHOES?
COMMON, PLASTIC LIZARD SKIN SHOES!
HAHAHA, IT'S A Toupée
- A WIG!!
HA, YOUR MAKE-UP IS
PEELING!
OH... HEEE HAW,
THAT'S A PURIM MOUSTACHE!
AND FAKE RAY-BANS!
HAHAHA!
HELLO, WOULD
YOU BUY ANYTHING FROM THIS GUY? |
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Daily Dose of Dov
Dov is sober in SA for over 10 years. See his story
here.
Powerless Yet Sober
Dov discusses his powerlessness:
When I looked at life in a general sense and saw that I tried
umpteen things to stay clean and really wanted to
stay clean, cried an NCSY kumzitzes, in davening,
later in yeshiva over my Gemarah, and still later in
kollel - behind the steering wheel at 2AM after
acting out again... I finally came to the conclusion that in any single given
situation I may have the ability to say "no" - and I
did plenty of times. But I came to see
that it meant nothing, really. Because I saw that no
matter what I try, I had no ability to really
stop. I was going to "use" again. And the next time
I did - well, I had no control over what the stakes
would be. Maybe I'd play into the hands of a state
police agent (as a friend of mine did) and end up on
a state registry for sex-offenders, maybe not. When
I would give
in, I'd give in - no matter what the cost.
Nu. Is that
bechirah? Kind of, I guess, but really a very
lame kind of bechirah, to me. Kind of like
choosing between how we
are going to die... but all along really running
like hell from it as though we can really dodge that
fate if we try hard enough. It ain't gonna work in
the end - it's gonna get me. We all do that, I
guess...
I have met many who
are sober for a long time, and now I see my own time
sober as quite the miracle. But who knows what life
tests are around the corner for me? I may get too
scared or angry or prideful tomorrow, and as a
result feel I need to act out. I hope not. All I can
do is not think about it so much and trust Hashem a
little that He knows what He is doing and that He
has a really, really good plan for me, right now.
Today. All I need to do is get the h*ll out
of His way.
Why is that so hard
for all of us?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
But Dov, if you were/are so powerless, how do you
indeed remain sober for so many years already?
I admitted to myself that I really didn't want to act out again
and I take the steps to go around it whenever it
comes up again. As soon as I remember that pain of
not doing/having it - like a brick wall - coming at
me, I say "Tatty help," or "G-d help me," rather
calmly. I leave the anxious "screaming out
in tortured pain" to the unfortunate folks who think
they just have to be "fervently
religious" enough to merit His help. I just trust Him to help me even though I'm
a loser, period.
And He helps me get
over the pain of not checking
out that entertainment site, that ad in the paper,
that news story about so-and-so's latest
escapades...
And He also helps me avoid that powerful self-pity-engendering
resentment, that hand-wringing over fear... I can't
have those luxuries.
Anyway, I need help from G-d mainly to get over that tremendous
pain of withholding lust opportunities - of not
taking "little risks" for lust. That's how I never
get started again, and how I am sober today, I
guess.
Once I get over that pain, I need help to avoid trying to "kill
it" - I have found that I can't smash lust "to
smithereens" - it'd be way too much power for me to
have, if I did! I believe I'd soon be the master
over lust and consider myself "healed" and no longer
an addict. Just more BS, to me. And BS is deadly for
me.
All I can do is keep my little eyes on the little here-and-now.
The next time this kind of stupid idea pops into my head again
seems like it's actually in my best interest, I'll
just have to calmly ask Him to help me drop it
again, and again ask Him for help to keep it
dropped... till the next time - and that's OK.
It's none of my business how fast He wants me to "get better".
I don't care, really. I just want to be sober today.
And it has worked so far, b"H.
Also, I have found a
chevra to share these things with (SA and GYE guys,
in and out of the meetings) and have learned how to
use the written work of the 4th step to clean my
system out as needed. Through that, I have accepted
myself as an imperfect person who needs a lot of
work, and I am OK with that. I can look into the
mirror at my eyes without shame and disgust. |
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