Thursday  ~ 20 Shvat, 5770  ~  February 4, 2010

In Today's Issue

• Two Announcements: Dr. Naftali Fish / Rav Feldman's Letter
• 12 Step Attitude: Letting Go of Pride
• Poem of the Day: Goodbye to Addiction
• Daily Dose of Dov: "The problem is not with life, it's with US."

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 Two Announcements

Announcement 1

We will be having a free conference call with Rabbi Dr. Naftali Fish of Yerushalayim (see www.nachatruach.com website) on Elya's phone group this Sunday, February 7, at 12 noon Central Time, 1 p.m. Eastern Time in the US. (That's 8 p.m. in Israel). 

Everyone is invited. This is a unique opportunity!

Rabbi Fish will speak about his Nachat Ruach program - the link between the 12 steps and Torah. He will show how the two are complimentary and will give us actual meditation techniques and strategies that we can use to incorporate his ideas into our recovery process. He will show us how we should not just say "I'm an addict" (although it may be true), but also a precious child of Hashem - and believe it, so we can grow spiritually.

Torah based meditation and hypnosis can help heal the "inner wounded child" and have a positive influence on the unconscious mind, which is often the root of addictions.

Find out how the 12 steps work within a Torah Framework - from the creator of this revolutionary system.

The phone number for the free conference call is 1-712-429-0690. The PIN is 225356 (as indicated on Elya's Group's Page here).

He will take questions at the end. (Elya K will moderate).

Thank you Elya - for arranging this, and thank you R/Dr. Fish, for agreeing!

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Announcement 2

We tried to have Rav Feldman's letter printed in the Mishpacha magazine, to boost awareness of the dangers of the internet and to spread the word about our work for those who may have fallen in. However, the Rabbinical advisory board of Mishpacha magazine contacted Rav Feldman and explained that there was a concern that people who did not struggle with these issues would check out our websites and forum just out of curiosity, and they may see things there that could bring them to "hirurim". The Rosh Yeshiva agreed with this concern and has instead signed a second letter that is more neutral. The new letter does not mention the word "pornography", nor does it mention our website. It just mentions "the materials and handbooks of the 'Guard Your Eyes' program" for men who have fallen into an addiction of viewing "inappropriate material". At the bottom of the letter, we posted an e-mail address where people can write in to "find out more about our program". This new letter makes it a lot easier to publish in the mainstream religious newspapers and magazines, and it also makes it much easier for ALL OF YOU WHO ARE READING THIS to print it out and hang it up (when no one sees) in your local shuls, shtiblach and Batei Medrashim. The letter can be downloaded here (right-click and press "Save Target/Link As"). PLEASE help us save hundreds of Yiddishe Neshamos! Print out a bunch of copies and spread it around your community!

Someone wrote me today:

With the help of God, in middle of the night I hung up 3 copies of the letter from Rav Feldman outside one of the main Batei medreshim of Beth Medrash Gavoha in Lakewood NJ (with thousands of talmidim). I do not know how long it will be left hanging, but we can only try. I also sent out letters to Rav Mattisyahu Salomon, two Rabbis, and a Rosh Yeshiva for guys at risk. (I know that he is very vocal about the web).

And another guy recently wrote:

I did it guys. I went to the post office and mailed large envelopes to the Rabbanim in my town, with no return address. They each contained a personal anonymous letter from me, R' Aharon Feldman's letter, Rabbi Twerski's letter, and the GYE flyer. I said a silent tefillah while I waited in line. Feels really good. It will be surreal if I actually see the fliers up in any of the shuls next week!

(For an example letter to send to your Rabbanim, see here.)

Rabosai, do you realize the tremendous zechusim you could be getting? Diamonds are rolling in the dust; who will bend down to pick them up? Hundreds of holy Yiddishe Neshamos, marriages and families can possibly be saved only because you took a few moments to print out this letter and spread it around!

Note: In areas where internet usage is basically universal - such as in the more modern Orthodox venues, the Rosh Yeshiva Rav Feldman agrees that the letter that does mention our website should be publicized. Click here to download the original version, and click here to download a version that avoids use of the word "Pornography").

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 Poem of the Day

Goodbye to Addiction

by Elya

You protected me from conflict
And soothed my shattered self, 
You were my friend when I was lonely, 
And when boredom came to rest. 

You were my friend when lovers refused me, 
You always pleased me, 
At first I blamed you on pure curiosity, 
then you got the better of me. 
I couldn't get enough of you, 
Now I'm getting rid of you!

Goodbye addiction, you meant so much to me, 
when I escaped into my fantasy world to escape
my fears and insecurities. 
Being anonymous made me feel powerful, sly and invisible, 
But deep inside, you ended up making me feel miserable. 

I latched on to you to pass the time, 
When I started new projects or just out of town, 
I longed to connect to my fantasies and dreams, 
And you always obliged by creating the scenes. 

Even in success you enveloped my life, 
How could I be successful, it just didn't feel right.
With you at my side, I could feel powerful and in charge, 
an excuse to procrastinate, to escape my wounded scars. 

Now, as I think of all the time I've wasted, 
All the real hopes and dreams that could and should have been, 
I realize now that in a way you are a blessing in disguise, 
Because in my desire to get rid of you, 
I've come to appreciate my true self, 
And know that Hashem is really in charge, 
And all I have to do is give HIM the power to destroy you.

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Daily Dose of Dov
Dov is sober in SA for over 10 years. See his story here.

"The Problem is not with life, it's with US"

They say that our addiction is just a symptom of our problem, not the problem itself - it just happens to be the "problem" that gets us into treatment for our real problem, which is that life itself is unbearable to us. In recovery we discover that the problem was not with "life", but with us. And thank Goodness for that! It's the greatest gift of the program, as far as I am concerned. At least "us" is something we can have some control over, unlike the outcomes of "life". AA writes about this illusion of control thing. Lack of real faith and humility, coupled with character defects such as fear, pride, dejection (which is actually pride - we grandiosely expect things to go our way or that we should be nearly perfect tzaddikim), and/or other character defects that separate us from G-d and people were our destruction. Our insides make normal life unbearable. Some of us intuit that at an early age (hence the guys who describe compulsive masturbation and schmutz-interest at age 6 or so) while others perceive their desperate need for an escape from life at a later age. Some just commit suicide. Thankfully that's rare (though the wife of one friend of mine has told me she wishes her post-arrest husband had committed/would commit suicide).

Friday  ~ 21 Shvat, 5770  ~  February 5, 2010
Erev Shabbos Parshas Yisro - Kabbalas HaTorah

In Today's Issue

• Parsha Talk- Yisro: It's A Package Deal
• 12 Step Attitude: The First Guy I Couldn't Con
• Testimonial of the Day: "I'll always be a GYE member"
• Daily Dose of Dov: Small Pearls From Dov

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Testimonial of the Day

"I'll always be a GYE member"

"Kollel Guy" posts a goodbye:

Hey everybody,

In case you're wondering where I was, I recently decided that the computer is lately the main and central obstacle in my life right now. I have decided to cut the computer out of my life completely (my wife is typing this for me). I haven't touched the computer for a few days already, and today was my second day in Kollel, learning normal sedarim (I hadn't been going to Kollel for months).

When I get my printer working again, maybe I will get my wife to print out the white-book of SA and the big book of AA, so I can read it without the computer. I still have a phone sponsor, so I am out of isolation, and I'll have my wife open up GYE here and there for me to see what's been going on recently.

I'll really miss you guys. You got me to places which I never thought I would get to. Both with your advice and suggestions - when trying to help me and others, as well as with your questions and calls for help, which helped remind me that I am normal and struggling with a very common problem, and not just a mess which "me the loser" ended up with.

The truth is, I am not leaving GYE. I can never do that, even if I never post again. I'll always be a GYE member, and I'll always take pride in that. 

Hatzlacha Rabba with your own goals, and Hatzlacha with your avodas hakodesh of helping other Yidden with their goals. 

Kol Tuv,

Kollel Guy

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 Daily Dose of Dov
Dov is sober in SA for over 10 years. See his story here.

Small Pearls From Dov

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Hashem Healed the Yidden Before Kabalas Hatorah

I just want to bring something that Dov once mentioned. Chazal tell us that before Matan Torah, the Yidden were all miraculously healed by Hashem. Says Dov, this teaches us that before we can be Zoche to true Matan Torah, we need to be healed first! To quote Dov in response to "why the Torah learning of an addict doesn't seem to save him":

• The answer is surely in the Torah, but I can't see it nor use it as long as lust is in ME".

• Our problem is not in our "Torah" per-se, but rather in how we approach our "Torah".

• So consider quitting banging your head against the Torah and look into yourself for the answer, first.
   

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Na'aseh Ve'Nishma

Let's declare a moratorium on "thinking" now, and just Do.

Do for Hashem, simply and humbly! Yippee.

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Hashem Loves Us

Hashem loves each one of us so much more than we can ever love Him, so much so, that we practically hate Him compared to how much He loves us. Oy vei. 

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Hated it & Loved It

I started recovery with a clear feeling that I cannot afford to cross certain boundaries again - that I had to grow up. It was painful and I hated it but loved it, and can't explain better. It felt different, and that was what told me I might be on the right track. "Any track but the old one" was my motto, and still is. 

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I'll Daven For You

Dov tells someone on the forum:

Having no z'chus of any kind, still full of myself, and totally useless/powerless over lust, I will daven for you. Every bit of teshuvah and simcha in avodas Hashem that I have ever come in contact with, whether I came to it "b'ratzon" or "b'oness", "b'shogeg" or "b'meizid", was and is, all a free gift from Hashem. So I am sure He's got enough in store to help you out with, too.  

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Dov's Teffilah Against "Keri"

Before I go to sleep, I make sure to smile, take a deep breath, and say to my Best Friend something like this:

"Elo-h-ai, You helped me before through so many nights that I didn't deserve to get through. Please do it again tonight and help me wake up with at least a little bit of joy and honestly serve You at least a little bit - no matter what happens tonight. I love You so much! Thank You, Hashem".

Then I go to sleep.

It's nice, actually. Try it!

Sunday  ~ 23 Shvat, 5770  ~  February 7, 2010

In Today's Issue

• Announcement: Big things are happening - but we need YOUR advice!
• Torah Thoughts: The Diametric Opposite
• 12-Step Attitude / Testimonial: Forever Vulnerable
• Testimonials of the Day: From Two Warriors
• Daily Dose of Dov: Dealing with Fantasies
• Announcement: Don't Miss TODAY'S Call with Dr. Naftali Fish!

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Testimonials of the Day

"Giboir" writes:

I was away from home and spent three nights alone in a hotel room. B'H, with the help of this website I managed to stay totally clean. I'm aiming for the full 90 days and more!

Sol R. Writes:

I get tremendous chizuk from the daily emails. I have chosen to eliminate internet access completely from my life, including at work. It's better than any filter. Nonetheless, I read the daily e-mails. I had someone else download the handbook and the GYE attitude. They are great works. Thanks.

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Daily Dose of Dov
Dov is sober in SA for over 10 years. See his story here.

 Dealing with Fantasies

There is an old chassidishe story about a bal teshuvah who asked his Rebbe about dealing with inappropriate thoughts (particularly regarding distractions during davening). He told him to go to such-and-such a yid's house that night. The chosid traveled there immediately, got there kind of late at night, knocked on the door, and was ignored. He looked around the house and saw a yid in there! He knocked again and banged a few times....nothing. 

Nu. So he sat there and fell asleep for the night. In the morning, the door opens wide and a smiling yid welcomes him into his home, sits him down and gives him something to drink.

The guest asks, "what's up with last night"?! and he is told something like this:

"I am the ba'al habos here. It's my home, nobody else's. I decide who I let in and who I don't. Just because you or anybody knocks on the door, does not mean I need to open the door or even check who it is. I don't have to, right?" 

Can you hear this? It's not a mussar lesson to me, nor philosophy. It's just a fact.

One caveat: I, an addict, use this method every day now. But before recovery it was completely impossible for me to even relate to it. It was basically just another silly (but attractive) sounding idea for me to feel guilty about failing at. In recovery, I learned what I can tolerate and what I cannot tolerate; that I am a precious person who doesn't deserve to suffer with lust thoughts. It took me a long time to accept that I just deserved better. They are just torture, nothing more. 

So now I let go of them and Hashem helps dispose of them. I openly and calmly talk to Him about them as humbly as I can; I call any guy who understands my illness and tell him about it in a clear but safe way; and I share about it at recovery meetings. 

One day at a time, with Hashem's assistance, I'm as free as I want to be.

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Don't Miss Today's Call with Dr. Fish!

We will be having a free conference call with Rabbi Dr. Naftali Fish of Yerushalayim (see www.nachatruach.com website) on Elya's phone group TODAY, February 7, at 12 noon Central Time, 1 p.m. Eastern Time in the US. (That's 8 p.m. in Israel). 

Everyone is invited. This is a unique opportunity!

Rabbi Fish will speak about his Nachat Ruach program - the link between the 12 steps and Torah. He will show how the two are complimentary and will give us actual meditation techniques and strategies that we can use to incorporate his ideas into our recovery process. He will show us how we should not just say "I'm an addict" (although it may be true), but also a precious child of Hashem - and believe it, so we can grow spiritually.

Torah based meditation and hypnosis can help heal the "inner wounded child" and have a positive influence on the unconscious mind, which is often the root of addictions.

Find out how the 12 steps work within a Torah Framework - from the creator of this revolutionary system.

The phone number for the free conference call is 1-712-429-0690. The PIN is 225356 (as indicated on Elya's Group's Page here).

He will take questions at the end. (Elya K will moderate).

Thank you Elya - for arranging this, and thank you R/Dr. Fish, for agreeing!

Monday  ~ 24 Shvat, 5770  ~  February 8, 2010

In Today's Issue

• Therapy Tips: The Call with Dr. Naftali Fish
• Personal Victory: "The last fall was not really part of me"
• Practical Tip of the Day: A Filter for I-Phones
• Daily Dose of Dov 1: "It's time I stopped playing House"
• Daily Dose of Dov 2: Taking the Actions of Love

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Therapy Tips

The Call With Therapist Rabbi/Dr. Fish

We had about 16 guys on conference call with Rabbi Dr. Naftali Fish of Yerushalayim (see www.nachatruach.com website) on Elya's phone group this past Sunday (see our Israeli Therapist Page for more about him). It was a good crowd and a lot of good questions were discussed. There was a meditation at the end.

For those who couldn't make it, a recording of the call can be downloaded at

this link

(There are some minor interruptions in the recording, but I think basically everything was recorded).

Here is a short recap of the call, as written up by Elya who moderated the call:

The "Nachat Ruach program" is an adjunct to the 12 steps programs developed by Dr. Naftali Fish.

Nachat Ruach, which means Serenity, is a result of the self esteem we develop as children by the age of 5 or 6.  By this age, the model of how we function has been "programmed" within us. 

The majority of addicts have a wounded inner child (this is backed up by solid APA research). The inner child was emotionally abused or experienced some trauma, even slight trauma, which has caused shame and a sense of failure. This exhibits itself in a feeling of not being loved, and it feels like a "hole" in the person's soul. Addiction attempts to fill this hole. 

We, as Yidden, have a divine soul.  Our essence is always healthy.  The way out of addiction is to tap into this divine soul, which is our inner child - pure and uninjured. 

Addiction and the 12 steps teaches us HOW to get out of our addiction... The TORAH teaches us WHY we should get out of our addiction and cling to this Divine Soul. The 12-Steps speak of a higher power. The Torah teaches us about the higher purpose that this higher power has for us.

Dr. Fish explained his process as complementing the 12 steps, and involving meditation and hypnosis. During this relaxed state, clients meditate on words from Tehillim such as, "Tamu U're'u Ki Tov Hashem - Taste and see that G-d is good" and "Serve Hashem with Simcha", which is achieved through Dveykus (attachment) to Hashem. Our mission is to channel our passions to love Hashem.  

Thank you Elya - for arranging this call, and thank you R/Dr. Fish, for agreeing!

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Practical Tip of the Day

A Filter For I-Phones

If you have an I-Phone and you need a filter, please see this page for information (sent to us by "aryehtahor").

"aryehtahor" writes:

In the final analysis, you can't "filter" your lust away. Filters are there as a line of defense, but they are no substitute for sincere Teshuva and battling the Y"H. When I started trying to make this go away, I put up filters and said "OK, that's all I have to do" and it didn't help at all because I just broke through everything. Now, I know I can get shmutz if I try hard enough, but thanks to GYE, I feel distanced enough from lust that I don't feel compelled to do it (long may it last!).

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Daily Dose of Dov
Dov is sober in SA for over 10 years. See his story here.

 Two Great Posts from Dov on Marriage

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"It's time I stopped playing House"

Dov's brutal honesty with himself:

I had an amazing realization B"H this morning during my quiet time, and I want to share it with you.

I am a husband and a father, but in some ways do not always act like either. I often come home late from work and miss dinner, sometimes miss bedtime with the kids, and also often "forget" to call my wife to communicate. I slip and put my marriage too far behind my recovery, or even behind time with my friends or entertainments, hobbies. 

While I'm much better in these things than before, it's still an issue, especially if you ask my little lady.

It's becoming very frustrating for me, so I gave it some quiet time to think about it, and here is what I got:

Am I committed to being a real husband and a real father, or, am I committed to putting in just enough effort to be perceived as one by others? If I ignore my brain and just look at the facts on the ground - my behavior as a father and husband (not a moral 'report card', mind you, just the facts) I see that I am in a rut. I occasionally keep enough of the identifying behaviors going to maintain the category (or ID) of "father" and "husband", but I put no 'meat on the bones', as it were. I have not really grown up yet. In some respects I am still a bochur deeply committed to playing house. And then feeling sorry for myself when the grown-up perks ;-) don't come my way....

Nu. It's time I grew up a bit.

While this may be no shock to anyone, for some reason it is hitting me hard, and I feel a new motivation today to grow up and really live the life I have chosen for myself. To accept it. To take hold of it. 

It will not all happen in a day, and guilt will probably kill the whole d-mn thing, and I'll need help. But that what (F)friends are for! (big F for Hashem, our very best Friend :-)

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Taking the Actions of Love

Whenever I get grumpy and sad about my disappointments in "shalom bayis", I whine, feel sorry for myself, whine some more, eat some cheese with my whine, and then get sick of it and finally slap myself out of the trance only to discover that love is all I can really give! I can't do any more for my wife than love her.

And the program taught me that the truest definition of love is not a feeling, but an action. Loving my wife means telling her that I love her and will do anything I can for her, put her needs first for me above those of anyone else's (including GYE!), listening to her, being where I say I will be for her and the kids when I say I'll be there, letting go of my complaints about her, and supporting her.

It doesn't mean becoming the gadol hador, always being "right", being more of the handsome, strong and silent type, being romantic, nor does it mean "helping" her to finally fulfill all my fantasies and needs so that I'll finally be happier with her... nope.(Ouch that hurt me.)

This "growing up" did not come easily to me. Maybe whoever is reading this harbors some of these grandiose expectations......"naw, not me!" I say: think again. (What do you have to lose? More disappointments?)

Though my gut told me those things were exactly what we needed me to do in order to make things work out in the end, in the end it was complete hogwash. 

The only stuff that matters is the only stuff I can really do: Take the Actions of Love. I do not have, and will never have, power over how my wife reacts to me. All I can do is love her. All those years of hiding, lying (for shalom bayis, of course! ) and manipulating her, were garbage.

And it is working out 1000 times better this way (don't tell anyone!). Throwing the outcomes to Hashem (or at least just not hanging onto them!!!) is the only way for me.

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Tuesday  ~ 25 Shvat, 5770  ~  February 9, 2010

In Today's Issue

• Article Quote of the Day: How to Deal with Destructive Emotions
• Q & A of the Day: "Might not our Nisyonos be a result of our bad choices?"
• Quote of the Day: "I want to be a different person!"
• Battle Communication: Knocking Down Walls
• Daily Dose of Dov: Free Time on My Hands

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Article Quote of the Day

How to Deal with Destructive Emotions

From an article on Matzav.com over here

In the Kabbalistic literature, our faculties of cognition are commonly referred to as "parents," while our faculties of emotions are described as "children (4)." The significance of this metaphor is vital: The relationship between the mind and the heart, it suggests, must reflect a healthy relationship between parents and children.

When your child begins to holler, you must acknowledge his or her predicament, and examine the cause for their outburst. Yet you cannot run to call the ambulance based on the screams of a child alone without examining it on your own first. A clear distinction must be made between de-legitimizing your child's tears, which is cruel, to allowing these tears to dictate your home and life.

A similar relationship must exist between the mind and the heart. Emotions, instincts, moods and feelings are children. They are cute, spontaneous, vibrant, immature and wild. Sometimes they are on to something very real and serious, other times they exaggerate or distort reality. We ought not to de-legitimize, suppress or deny them. We must be keenly aware of their existence within us. Just like children, we must attempt to educate and refine them. Yet we ought not to worship them and allow them the exclusive right to define our life. As voluble as emotions are, the moral sense of right and wrong must be given precedence over "I do not feel up to it."

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As Dov wrote on the forum today:

My sponsor used to say to me, "feelings are just: feelings. Not reality at all. Just feelings, not the way things are." (Oh, how I hated when he said that! :-)

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Q & A of the Day

"Might not our Nisyonos be a result of our bad choices?"

"Rashkebehag" asked on the forum:

How can a person know what his job really is? If the garbage collector had gotten a better education, he might have become the King's minister, but he was lazy and ended up being just a garbage collector. How can he walk with his head held high? Might not one's position in life (and one's nisyonos) be a result of the bad choices he made??

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"Imtrying" replies:

It is said over from many Tzadikim including the GR"A, that the way a person can know what is his mission in life, is by seeing what he struggles with the most. (Need more be said??)

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Dov replies:

All I can believe (and remain sane at the same time), is that the place I find myself right now is exactly the job Hashem has for me. The very best job, in fact. 

Then as time goes on, I need to trust that He'll schlep me off to wherever He prefers me to be. K'heref ayin a king can raise me from a garbage man to his personal toothbrusher! Then to be his dentist, and then his viceroy! Who knows? 

Kal v'chomer with HKB"H.

Hayad Hashem tikztor? 

Just do what's in from of you and stop thinking so d*** much. (I'm talking to myself).

In response to someone who asked him whether he talks to himself a lot :-) Dov replied:

Well, first Reb Tzvi-Meyer spoke this Yesod to me, then I "heard" it, and ever since, I have been speaking it to myself and others in order to remember it! :-)

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Quote of the Day

By "SilentBattle"

I want to be a different person; the real me!

I don't want to keep swerving to avoid obstacles, I want to be on a different highway!

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Battle Communication

Knocking Down the Walls

"EsaEinai" writes:

I touched on this before, but I need to say it again to reinforce it to myself. In the past I have made it 30 days or more. But I can't say that I felt as good about it as I feel now at just 20 days clean. Why? Because it felt like a struggle that was holding me down, and I didn't really feel like I was myself - it felt like I was trying to be someone else. But this is starting to change now. I know that I have big challenges ahead, and I know there will be days that seem harder than others. But I am loosing that fear and the fear of falling because I am starting to be myself. I feel good now, not because I made it to 20 days, because it's not really about the days, it's about knocking down these walls I have built for myself and being the true me and being real with Hashem. And accepting His help is part of that. I think I am seeing it this way because by trusting Hashem for his help when I am weak, I am no longer beating myself up about my flaws, which allows me to be "me" and build myself up with - not just my strengths; but far greater - with the Strength of Hakadosh Baruch Hu! Am I just crazy?

Dov replies:

Yeah, yeah, you are crazy...but how does it feel so far? Not so bad, huh? If this is "crazy", I'll take it!

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Daily Dose of Dov
Dov is sober in SA for over 10 years. See his story here.

Free Time on My Hands

Lest I get my hands into trouble, I need to be busy.

The more sober I get, the more I can tolerate "free time". Earlier on, I couldn't really tolerate it very well, so I made less free time for myself. I took time in the woods and read up on what I saw there, made calls to other program guys, journaled my feelings, found a chavrusa, started becoming part of a shul for a change, found a great book to read while in the bathroom (there are awesome classic novels out there and all kinds of safe things to read in bed and at potty time!) and of course in my case, I got active in SA with meetings. Soon I was not acting out at all, lusting a whole lot less, and before I knew it, real life crept up on me and bit me in the behind, as it where. I was shocked to find that I HAD A LIFE! I never would have dreamed of anything such as a "real life" without the ubiquitous lust/porn/fantasy/chasing thing filling the background. 

But here I am.

I'd rather die than go back to the old blind and numb life I had, and I mean it.

Wednesday  ~ 26 Shvat, 5770  ~  February 10, 2010

In Today's Issue

• Article Quote of the Day: A Little Light Can Banish a Lot of Darkness
• Announcement: GuardYourEyes is mentioned in this week's Mishpacha!
• Practical Tip of the Day > Filters: Keylogger Software
• Quote of the Day: No Koach?
• Attitude Tip of the Day: But it's So Accessible!
• Daily Dose of Dov: Snowed Under?

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Article Quote of the Day

A Little Light Can Banish a Lot of Darkness

From a great an article on Vosizneias.com by Rabbi/Dr. Abraham Twerski.

One day I attended a meeting of recovering alcoholics. The speaker was a young woman of thirty-five. She had started drinking at twelve and drugging at fifteen. This led to delinquent, decadent behavior. In spite of suffering the consequences of living on the street, she was a slave to her drug addiction.

At twenty-six she found her way into Alcoholics Anonymous and, and at the present was nine years clean and sober. I had heard similar stories countless times, and this one did little for me. But I have never been to a meeting that I didn't take away something of help. What I took away from this meeting has served me well, because toward the end of her talk, the woman said, "I must tell you something else before I finish.

"I am a football fan, a rabid Jets fan. I'll never miss watching a Jets game. One weekend I had to be away, so I asked a friend to record the game on her VCR. When I returned, she handed me the tape and said, 'By the way, the Jets won.'

"I started watching the tape, and it was just horrible! The Jets were being mauled. At half-time they were behind by twenty points. Under other circumstances, I would have been a nervous wreck. I would have been pacing the floor and hitting the refrigerator. But I was perfectly calm, because I knew they were going to win.

"Ever since I turned my life over to God, I no longer get uptight when things don't go my way. I may be twenty points behind at half-time, but I know it's going to turn out o.k. in the end." This woman may not have qualified as a tzaddik, and I envied her emunah.

Click here for the rest of this great article!

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Announcement

The GuardYourEyes Network is "mentioned" in this week's Mishpacha Magazine, 26 Shvat 5770, in an article about Dr. Phillip Rosenthal.

Make sure to buy a copy!

The Mishpacha has been very reluctant to mention our work in the past, ostensibly - lest it bring those who do not suffer from this problem to visit our websites out of curiosity and perhaps read things there that might cause them "hirhurim".

Perhaps this "mention" is a sign of the first cracks appearing in the "culture of denial" that exists in our communities in regard to these issues. (See the file called 'The GYE Lighthouse' for more on the "Culture of Denial")

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 Practical Tip of the day > Internet Filters

KeyLogger Software

A quote from the Mishpacha Article (on Dr. Phillip Rosenthal):

Install a keylogger (like eBlaster). This invisible program lurks unseen on your computer, sending reports of every keystroke, including passwords, to an e-mail of your choice for your review. "Your kids can't defeat it - they don't know it's there," says Rosenthal.

We asked Dr. Phillip Rosenthal:

"Can eBlaster be used by someone if he wants to protect himself, or is it only for parents to use to monitor their kids?"

Dr. Rosenthal replied:

Yes, eBlaster is great for self-protection too, because it sends the reports to any two (at least) email addresses that you want. Also, if you have someone else input the password on the install, then there is ABSOLUTELY no way to disable it.

Then Phillip shared with us a tip - special for GYE readers! :-)

BTW, eBlaster costs $100 but tell your people that they call them at 888-598-2788 and give the code 1926, and they will receive a $20 discount.

Important Notes:

1) A Keylogger program should be installed on TOP of a good filter like K9. See this page for more info on K9, and on how to install it safely and reliably.

2) Contact our filter Gabai at filter.gye@gmail.com to have him hold the password for you, both for eBlaster AND for K9. If you ever need changes or adjustments on your filter/Keylogger, he can do it remotely for you using special remote-accessing software. Yes it is finally possible to feel really FREE!

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Quote of the Day

By "BeHoly"

 No Koach? You don't need Koach; Hashem's got the Koach. You only need Hashem.

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Attitude Tip of the Day

But It's So Accessible!!

Sometimes it just seems so hard to resist. After all, it's so easy to access the pleasures. They just seem to be everywhere! And we ask ourselves, "how can Hashem expect us to hold back when it's so easy to get it all?"

There are two things we can tell ourselves when these kind of thoughts strike.

1) When we pass some delicious looking pork chops or cold-cuts in the super-market isles, it's also very accessible to us. No one sees, we can pay for it and just gobble it up in no time. So why do we not feel such a strong pull? The answer is, because in our minds, it's just not "Shayach" to us at all! We have been raised to know that non-Kosher food is completely out of our pleasure experience spectrum, so we don't even think twice about it!...

We need to use that same frame-of-mind when the urge for illicit sexual pleasures strikes us as well, whether it means turning away from looking/following that pretty girl, or holding back from looking at Shmutz on the computer. We have to tell ourselves that it is completely not Shayach to our P.E.S (pleasure experience spectrum) - in the same way that pork is not Shayach!

2) If we would be standing on the edge of a roof, would we think to ourselves, "hey, the ability to jump off is so "accessible" to me, it's so easy - how can I hold back"? Of-course not! We'd back away from the edge and be careful, 'cuz no one wants to harm themselves!

Well, we need to develop this same frame-of-mind for the shmutz as well. As tempting and "accessible" as it may seem to be, will we jump off the roof??

As "Penitent" wrote on the forum recently:

I used to get thoughts while I was driving, "what would it be like to swerve my car into a truck?" Rav Avigdor Miller himself said, "Did you ever get the urge to kill yourself? That's the Yetzer Hara entering your mind". Same thing over here. I just felt myself slipping 10 minutes ago, had to stop, came onto the GYE forum, started writing (which is tiring and time consuming) and B'H , I feel better already. When the urge hits, just don't sit idle and move on!

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Daily Dose of Dov
Dov is sober in SA for over 10 years. See his story here.

SNOWED UNDER

Someone wrote to Dov:

Today I had a rather rough day... I attended a Sheva Brochos where Men and women sat separately, but there was no mechitza and it was a small room so we weren't very far from each other.  It was Yeshivish and all were dressed properly... but as you know, that doesn't stop an addict's mind...

Dov Responds:

Dear chaver! No need to explain at all. Why, just today I woke up feeling horrible. Just plain horrible. Achy from snow-shoveling, late, sleepy, feeling unsatisfied with everything and grateful for nothing... you know. Rare for me for some time now, but - there I was. The only things that pulled me out of it was (believe it or not) Shacharis... even though it was kinda horrible, too. Weak, weak, weak. And at home alone yet.... but still Shacharis! And a call from a sexaholic friend in Texas. We talked a while and that lifted me from the postmortem fog into being entirely willing to live real life. No angels or horns, just calm, OK, "real life" as me.

Mazel tov to the chosson and kallah. Yeah, the presence of women is definitely a frequent challenge, but hey - they're here!

Well, it gets easier after the habit of scanning a room for the most attractive female in it, is broken a bit; and davening for the women in the room helps alter my relationship with them "nearer" to reality; and being willing to make a call once in a while during a break in the sheva brochos/wedding/class/shopping activity to another person who understands - and just share the facts... getting the 'light on' makes the mold wither. All these help.

But the real answer is having a relationship with Hashem and letting it fill me so that there is no room for anything else - everything else is filtered through those glasses. It may not be truly achievable, but we definitely grow in that direction. And I do not have to be a tzaddik.... As the Pasuk says "Habotea'ch Ba'Hashem, Chesed Yisovivenu - He who trusts in Hashem, kindness will surround him"... And Chazal say, "afilu rosho u'boteyach baHaShem, chesed yisovevenhu- even if he is a Rasha but he trusts in Hashem, kindness will surround him".

Thursday  ~ 27 Shvat, 5770  ~  February 11, 2010

In Today's Issue

• Attitude Tip of the Day: Dis-abled or Abled?
• Practical Tip of the Day: Google "Buzz"
• Testimonial/Tip of the Day: Patrolling the Perimeters of My Thinking
• Personal Victory of the Day: Pre-Empting the Yetzer Hara
• Link of the Day: The Countdown to Moshiach
• Daily Dose of Dov: Torah Thoughts on "Letting Go of Self-Will"

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Attitude Tip of the Day

Dis-abled OR Abled?

Yes it's true. A lust addict has a disability. His mind has been warped to objectify people. He suffers from neediness and vulnerability, and is sometimes prone to depression. He is also limited the range of his activities if he wants to stay sober. He can't just "lust a little" and stay safe like everyone else. He has difficulties at family Simchos and outings, even when just taking his kids to the Zoo. He can't browse the internet without filters. He can't use YouTube or FaceBook, it's just too dangerous. And he can't watch today's movies, no matter how much his friends are all talking about them. Some people might call this "disabled"... But let's stop and think for a second.

Does this addict still have eyes?

Well this guy doesn't.

Click the link and watch the clip from Aish.com. We can all learn from Patrick the power to "see" the good in everything (as he says "I don't have disabilities, I have abilities"). And we can all learn from him the power to reach our full potential with whatever tools we WERE given, instead of focusing on what we CAN'T do.

And if we learn to use what we DO have to the best of our ability, we might be surprised one day to look back and see that what we thought we were "disabled" with, has turned out to be our greatest blessing.

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Practical Tip of the Day

Google "Buzz"

The Satan keeps getting his hands into new places!

Until yesterday, Google's Gmail was the safest free e-mail service for addicts, since there were no ads like in Yahoo or Hotmail. However, Google introduced a new social network feature yesterday, which they call "Buzz". This feature is similar to Facebook, which we all know is very dangerous for addicts.

If you have a Gmail account, you'll find a "Buzz" link right under where it says "Inbox". We highly suggest everyone turn off their "Buzz" feature. It is simple to do. Just scroll to the bottom of the page (when logged in) and press "turn off Buzz" at the very bottom. (See this screen shot). 

See also here for other information as well, on how to disable Buzz.

And see this thread on the forum, which talks more about this issue and what to do about it.

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Testimonial/Tip of the Day

"Help me patrol the perimeters of my thinking"

D.S. writes:

Since discovering this site--a lifesaver if you want to be saved--I read the daily e-mails and the inspirational stories and I am often moved. Recently, I davened for help to "patrol the perimeters of my thinking". Since that moment, this phrase has stuck in my mind, where it should be. I feel this simple formula helping incredibly: several times it has kicked in pretty much automatically, just the word "patrol"--(as an imperative! in the grammatical sense)--on the street, it has completely stopped whatever was unwanted in its tracks, and almost instantly dissolved it. It's a formula I've long been praying for.

(Other ideas, such as making the thought a korban etc, work too, but this is instant and complete... so far.)

Your work is a real kiddush Hashem. Yasher koach.

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Personal Victory of the Day

Pre-Empting the Yetzer Hara

"Eye.nonymous" posted on day 102 clean:

I just had an internet slip. I was looking up something totally safe - on a site which was supposed to be perfectly safe, and I came across some really weird indecent drawings. It was so weird that I had trouble overcoming the curiosity. BUT, I did leave the page fairly quickly--without scrolling for more drawings. The thought entered my mind, "Hey, imagine what you'll find if you do a full web search," which I quickly rejected.

I wanted to post, because the accountability for these things helped me to overcome it in the past.

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We responded:

Dear Eye.nonymous,

This is so precious... It is small things like this that distinguish the successes from the failures. This may sound small, but we all know that turning away after getting a "taste", especially when caught off guard, takes some real messiras nefesh. Eye, you are shaking the upper worlds!

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The next day he wrote:

So my slip yesterday on the internet was on a site that I previously thought was harmless, and I use it all the time for actual work purposes (not even pseudo-work).

I didn't think to do anything about it at first, because this was such a weird slip.  But I can feel the yeitzer tugging at me to slip again. I realize it's negligent not to take action.

So my wife and I just modified the K9 settings--and now it's ENTIRELY BLOCKED.  If I ever need this site I'm going to have to bug my wife to sit here with me while I use it.

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We responded:

WOW. This is the attitude of success in this battle. Whenever we find a loop-hole or feel the Yetzer hara bringing us a new idea, we need to pre-empt him and put up new safe-guards!! Kol Hakavod!

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Link of the Day

The Countdown to Moshiach

The night is always the darkest before the light. Those who struggle with these issues are Hashem's front-line soldiers in today's generation, fighting against all odds. If Moshiach would come today, would you be ready?

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Daily Dose of Dov
Dov is sober in SA for over 10 years. See his story here.

Dov discusses some Torah thoughts on:

"Letting Go of SELF WILL"

The pivotal recovery point for me in the outside/giving-centeredness called for in AA (as opposed to self-centeredness), is that I slowly get used to living in accordance with the Will of my Higher Power rather that my will. To me, Orthodoxy and Halacha are great tools for this  - sounds like "asei retzono kirtzonecha - make His will like your will"... 

It's basically all about the surrender of our greatest enemy in addiction: self-directed will - in the will especially - and less to do with the type of behavior itself. In some respect, we confuse ourselves with G-d, exemplified by the manipulation of others and our environment, self-pleasuring, and our typically hidden (but gargantuan) pride and fear. By the same token, the relevant/most important factor in my hiring of a sponsor is that he is not me. My sponsor taught me this based on the "12&12" (mainly spelled out in it's chapter on the 3rd and 4th steps) and I see the attitude in "AA" as well, over and over in the member stories (in the back of the Big Book).

A few Torah thoughts on this:

1) Why does Hashem give us lo sa-asei's? Shouldn't asei's be good enough? It's about the Solution, right? Not the Problem, for sure! To make matters worse, the first and only mitzvoh given to Adam and his wife was - a lo sa'asei! What the heck?!

It seems to me that negation of our will (the idea of a lo sa'asei, to me) is the ikkar of what Hashem wants, and all He really 'needed' from us to get the job done... It plants the seed for all good - His good. He would have made it all peachy for us humans (or whatever we really looked like back then) and we would have grown into whatever G-d-connected beings we "should" have become, it seems. And Shabbos is still mainly about shmirah (not doing, rather than doing)....hmmm...just an idea. Go with it wherever you like...

2) I firmly believe that the program ends where religion begins. Unfortunately, our recovery might end there, as well. That's why I stay in the program and try not to confuse the two. One makes me a man, the other makes me a Jew. Both a man and a Jew are servants of Hashem, whether they realize it or not. He has the right plan for me, in every respect. This idea does not make any sense to some people, and even upsets them, but nu, what can I do? I may not understand it, either! :)

3) "Hachno'oh". That is the Torah-word for exactly what the program talks about. I believe my program is about hachno'oh for hachno'oh's sake - while the Torah puts it somewhere and directs it. But no matter how you slice it, the ikkar (by far) for an addict is the hachno'oh. If he's got that, the odds are in his favor, for a change. And whenever it appears in davening (sfard elokai n'tzor, for example), I latch onto it as the ikkar of that entire piece, cuz I feel that it is what I need most. (Kind of like how refa'einu takes on 'new meaning' for someone who's got a disease, r"l).

Friday  ~ 28 Shvat, 5770  ~  February 12, 2010
Erev Shabbos Parshas Mishpatim

In Today's Issue

• Parsha Talk- Mishpatim: Do you really want to be free?
• Quotes of the Day: Two Great Posts By "Bardichev"
• Personal Victory of the Day: A GEVALDIG Hug
• Link of the Day: For Men Only
• Daily Dose of Dov: When do we finally get 'healed' and let go of Self-Will?"
• Practical Tip of the Day: Google "Buzz" (Part 2)

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Parsha Talk: Mishpatim

Do you really want to be Free?

"PowerOfNow", a new member on our forum, wrote:

I was reading on Aish.com an article about the parsha Mishpatim, and some words moved me.

"God instructs every Jew that if he has a Jewish slave working for him, then after six years he is to be set free. On the surface, it seems like when the seventh year arrives the slave would eagerly, happily, and enthusiastically run from his master's house into his new found freedom. But this just isn't how a slave feels. The reason for this is that the longer a person is under the "rule" of someone or something else, the less belief he has that he can actually make it on his own..... And although the enslavement is hard, frustrating, and painful, we don't leave because we doubt our ability to make it in un-chartered waters." 

I could really relate to that.

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Quotes of the Day:

Two Great Posts from "Bardichev"

Triggers

 If you see something and feel triggered,

Realize it's a TRIGGER TO A LOADED GUN.

The gun is cocked -

And guess who is staring into the barrel?

YOU!!!

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Snow Bank

A HUGE LESSON I LEARNED WHEN MY TRUCK GOT STUCK IN A SNOW BANK / MUD SITUATION.

IF YOU TRY IT ON YOUR OWN, YOU MAY JUST GET STUCK DEEPER AND DEEPER.

SO I CALLED A TOW TRUCK.

LESSON:

IF YOU FEEL 'STUCK'

DON'T TRY TO WHITE-KNUCKLE IT ALONE.

IT WILL GET YOU NOWHERE.

CALL A FRIEND / TOW TRUCK!

GEVALDIGGG!

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Personal Victory of the Day

A GEVALDIG HUG

A member of our forum recently wrote me the following story of an amazing HUG from Hashem!

A couple weeks ago I flew in from California to NY for a wedding. It was difficult for me because I didn't really know anyone, and I had a really empty feeling in my stomach; you know, that feeling that I am "missing something" that leads to bad things. So I called a friend from the forum by phone. I was standing outside the wedding hall, pacing up and down the street, talking to him on the phone about all sorts of things. He started talking to me about "Bardichev" (from the forum) and told me that he had spoken with him on the phone, and that he was really a serious guy with good ideas and whatnot. I realized that I had been standing still while he talked to me about Bardichev. Then I glanced at the license plate of the car that I had been standing right next to while we discussed Bardichev. It read: GVALDIG. I almost fainted... (GEVALDIG is Bardichev's Trade Mark comment!). I took a picture of the plate with my cell phone, finished my conversation, and went back into the hall. Once I was back in the hall, I looked at the picture on my phone (which I've attached to this email; I'm not making this stuff up) and I noticed that the State on the plate was not NY or NJ, as you might expect (considering that I was in Flatbush). It was... CALIFORNIA... where I had just flown in from that morning (3000 miles away)!

A personal GEVALDIG HUG from Hashem!

Crazy story, no?

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Link of the Day

For Men Only

Keys to a Happy Home

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 Daily Dose of Dov
Dov is sober in SA for over 10 years. See his story here.

When do we finally get 'healed' and let go of Self-Will?

In my case, I can't really do the jumping for joy till I am basically dead, I guess, but as a friend once told me, "any addict who is sober should get up and dance every day at least once!" So, I often do - but just for the privilege, not with any expectations for my future (as if to imply that "whew! I've made it!") as far as lust or sanity is concerned. But yes, as far as life in general is concerned, I definitely expect to hang onto the acceptance that everything will be 'OK' in the end, no matter what, 'cuz Hashem's in charge. 

In a practical sense, I buy the line from AA-ers that we (most likely) can/will never let go of our own will completely; that we will always be walking up these stairs.

It seems to me that during certain times I did/do really let go of my will completely, but there were times like that before sobriety too, like during a really good davening, in the middle of a nice niggun on a yomtov, or right after acting out (really - you may know what I mean)... and I soon took my will right back. So maybe the 'surrender' back then was not actually surrender at all, but just getting in touch with what's inside me: a real live desire to be totally attached and basically botul (nullified) to Hashem. In other words, it was a 'feeling' of surrender, without the surrender itself, at all. Presumably we all possess that. But it was like Shabbos vs the week - it just can't last. (As the Pasuk says "Va'yinafash - and Chazal explain it to mean on Motzai Shabbos - "Vai ovdoh nefesh - Woe that I have lost my [extra] soul!").

So for me it seems to be like the 3rd step says: "We made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of...", decided perhaps,but the doing is just starting. It never really ends, and that's OK. In fact, it beats the living daylights out of the way I lived before imperfectly being machniyah (subjugated) to the Ribono shel Olam!

If it is hard for me to accept imperfection, my choice remains: I could always just go back to the way it was before! Heck No, this imperfection is like "perfection" compared to the way life was before!! And that realization took a couple of years to dawn on me.

The real faith has been (and will hopefully continue to be) a slow development, in my case, borne out of many little pieces of what feels like mesiras nefesh at the time ("this is gonna kill me, it's crazy, I'm gonna die if I don't follow that lady over to the next isle in the supermarket a few more times!", or "it's not that I really think the road belongs to me really, it's just that that guy who sped by me is a jerk... a real jerk!", and "What?! You mean I can't get the internet without a filter?! I've been sober for 785 freaking years!"). The acceptance is there to continue to be open to letting go of self-will, but my e.g.o. (edging G-d out) is still there... Hopefully it's slowly leaking out of me, b"H.

'nuff said.

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Practical Tip of the Day
 

Google "Buzz"

(Part 2)

Yesterday we discussed the dangers of the new Google feature "Buzz" and showed how to turn it off. Unfortunately though, turning it off only turns it off for you. Your profile is still viewable to others.

Someone sent us the following e-mail:

Please let everyone know that they should edit their Google profiles so that it doesn't display their followers. Especially the ones using their different email accounts. I just checked it out and realized that all my friends were able to see that I follow Guard, 7Up and others that I emailed from that Gmail account. We can all lose our anonymity in a second. Please post this as soon as possible. People may not realize and it can be too late. Thanks.

Buzz basically uses the Facebook concept, that if you can see one person's profile  - you can see the profile of all his friends. Once you see their profiles, you can see the profiles of their friends, etc..

Many people have their real names in their profiles. All it takes is to connect to one GYE profile, and this can be potentially revealing of another GYE member (who hasn't yet protected his identity on Buzz).

Since Google has introduced Buzz and automatically set you up to "follow" people on your chat list, in ensuring your privacy as well the privacy of others, you are asked to please "un-follow" anyone who's account is associated with their real name. 

If you've already turned it off, temporarily turn Buzz back on, click on your name to go to your profile page, and on the profile page, click the option to hide those following you. Then, manually, un-follow all accounts you're presently following.

If you need more help in doing this, please contact tomim2b@gmail.com who has offered to help people with this.

If your real name is associated with your Buzz account and you need help changing that too, please contact the email address above for assistance.

Sunday  ~ 30 Shvat, 5770  ~  February 14, 2010
Rosh Chodesh Adar

In Today's Issue

• Two Announcements: Duvid Chaim's Group / New Flyer for Women
• Battle Communication: Some good quotes from "Briut"
• Q & A of the Day: Watching a Movie for Shalom Bayit?
• Daily Dose of Dov: "Live to Give"

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Two Announcements

(1) Duvid Chaim's Group Restarting!

Duvid Chaim's phone conference will IY"H be starting a new cycle of the "Big-Book" study group on Wednesday, Feb 24! See this page for more info on the group. This is a unique opportunity to learn the secrets of the 12-Steps anonymously - in your own home or office, with an experienced SA sponsor!

(2) A Great New Flyer Geared To Women

There will be a gathering on Wenesday in Jerusalem for religious women who use the internet for business or personal reasons. One of the speakers there will be Rabbi Berkowitz who leads the Jerusalem Kollel and is a well known Halachic authority and Kiruv force in the English speaking community in Israel. I asked him if we can put flyers about our work at the event. He agreed, so I designed a special flyer geared towards religious women who have internet at home. It contains some sharp warnings about "if your husband or teenager lock themselves into their room/office". When I sent it to Rabbi Berkowitz and asked him if he approved the strong wording of the flyer, he responded: "Very powerful! I definitely approve".

Download the flyer here

Print out the flyer and make photocopies. Give them to your wife to put out or hang up - at women's gatherings, shiurim and local events in your city. You could be saving many families, marriages and lives!

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Battle Communication

La-Briut!

A new warrior joined us on the forum this past month. He calls himself "Briut" and he's very inspiring. He is quickly becoming a powerful force for good on our site. I would like to bring a few posts of his, in honor of his (approx) 30 days clean with us:

In response to Friday's link about "The Garden of Peace" by Rav Shalom Arush, "Briut" wrote:

This book has changed my life. It changed my marriage and changed my attitude toward others. All for the better.

I think this stuff is crazy and magical. I want to take it to the next level. I'd like to find a chabura for going through some of these lessons and sharing the results. (Some folks from this forum would be nice.) If not a group chabura, then maybe a 1:1 chavrusa. Anyone interested in trying this with me? Whether PMs on this site or e-mails on the side? RSVP. (If you want to join 'briut', send me an e-mail at eyes.guard@gmail.com)

'Briut' writes:

I read something on this Forum that hit me hard. Someone said to another newbie something like, "wouldn't you like to spend the rest of your life LIVING as a mentsch, rather than as a pretender who's walking around with a dirty little secret?"

I'm afraid there's only one answer to that question. (The only question is how to get there?)

Two tips from Briut in this struggle:

1) Pull in kedusha, don't push out sin.

The goal to "banish sin" might be a set-up: better to fill its place with enough good that sin has no more home. Fighting 'evil' alone just exhausts me while energizing sin into some 500 pound gorilla. Better to simply turn to good. (Besides, say "I won't think about elephants" for 20 days, and what will you think about?!)

2) Imperfection is just perfect.

This insight dissolves my fears: I'm not obligated to have a perfect plan, or to do it all, or perfectly, or forever, or sweat. Perfectionism and self-flagellation are not Jewish values. He only wants us growing in the right direction "One day at a time."

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Q & A of the Day

Watching a Movie For Shalom Bayit?

Question:

I can't believe I keep falling for the Y"H's tricks. A couple of days ago my wife insisted we see a movie. No nudity, but of course it had an attractive actress. Of course I couldn't get her out of my head. And that was a slippery slope downwards for me.

Yes, my wife knows about my struggles, but she really, really wanted to watch a movie with me. Also, I'm pretty sure she doesn't know that dressed women can trigger me. I really don't want to disappoint her by telling her that even dressed women who are attractive are atrigger for me.

Until I have more will power to watch a movie and not take it further the next day, I guess I should just explain to her that I can't watch any more movies, right? I don't know. What about our shalom bayit - if she really, really wants to watch a movie and says "there's no nudity in it, so it's OK"?

We Replied:

It's tough being an addict, but hey, if we're allergic to peanuts, we just gotta avoid those peanuts.

If your wife wants to watch a movie, have her go through it slowly first (by moving the play-bar slowly over each minute or so) and checking if there are any women in it that have tight clothing or skirts above the knees - and to make sure that there are no "love" scenes. In most cases, she will not be able to confirm this, and you'll be able to get out of it by claiming that these things are triggers for you. I believe she'll respect you for your integrity. After all, even a non-addict has to "guard his eyes" according to Halacha, and looking at attractive women for an hour straight is not exactly shmiras ainayim, is it? This is plain and simple Halacha, which applies even when the women are fully dressed. I'm sure she can respect Halacha, no?

Also, have her read this cute article by Tzvi Fishman (Arutz Sheva Blogger).

~ See the "Daily Dose of Dov" below for Dov's reply to this question ~

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 Daily Dose of Dov
Dov is sober in SA for over 10 years. See his story here.

"Live To Give"

Dov Responds to the question above about watching a movie:

Funny! A close friend of mine in the program called me last night and asked about the very same thing - his wife wanted to watch a movie with him, too! 

The last thing you want to do (though it's better than nothing!) is to just point out to her how clueless she is. It is better for both of us if I take a minute to remind my wife how much I love her and how I see being honest with her as the best way to stay extra-close. (She appreciates closeness).

I let her know that I just have limitations. Not because I am better than other folks, or because I am frummer or trying to live at a higher standard than others. Rather, it is because I am sick. I am oversensitive - actually allergic - to frivolous lust-peddling. (Not to be being intimate with her though, cuz that's real.)

Loving her, loving yourself, even loving Hashem - anyone can sympathize with that!

We try to explain Dov's last line:

What I think Dov means to say, is that she can surely sympathize with a guy who loves Hashem and loves her (and loves himself enough to not want to put up walls between himself and her/Hashem)... So if you say it over in the RIGHT WAY, she hopefully won't take it in the wrong way.

Dov responds:

Actually, I just meant: "live to give" as often as possible, especially with your wife. It's not "how you say it to her that I care about first, (though it certainly is good practice to say things in a loving way) ... but sometimes we don't need to say anything at all. It's what motivates me that matters the most in the relationship - the good will eventually overtake it all, if I do my part. Importantly, that does not mean to look back on whether I did a good job at it, or to assess my progress. Let's face it: I am selfish and probably hopelessly in love with 'me'. But I don't care! Every time I remember that what I am doing - usually something self-centered - is not working (as evidenced by my unhappiness), I turn my thoughts to how can I take the actions of love right then. 

To heck with assessing myself - that has nothing to do with anything, especially in the first year or two of recovery. I can be the most selfish and self-absorbed person - and remain that way..  even die that way... it may even be on my tombstone... but I do not care at all. It's actually none of my business. The only thing that I care about is what I am doing right now. I am totally powerless over the past and over the actual outcomes of the future. How can I love my wife, my children, my Jewish people, and my G-d right now? That is what matters, as far as I am concerned. I need to snub my nose at pretty much everything else, sometimes.

"Thinking" (especially about myself) is usually poison, and stupid. Not always, but usually. Especially in early recovery. At least for me, and many other addicts I know.

Monday  ~ 1 Adar, 5770  ~  February 15, 2010
Rosh Chodesh Adar

In Today's Issue

• Announcements: Duvid Chaim's Group / Two Great Speeches
• Quote of the Day: The Allergy
• Q & A of the Day: "How do I prevent myself from becoming an addict?"
• Daily Dose of Dov: Wishful Thinking

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Announcements

Duvid Chaim's Group Restarting!

Do you feel like you've tried your hardest to stop the addiction?  Have you been mostly successful fighting off the urge and have even had periods of sobriety - only to somehow slip and fall?  Maybe you're not sure that you even have an addiction - but you'd like to find out.

Well, then it's time to try a new approach.  Not just any new approach.  But an approach that's been successful since 1939.

Are you concerned about privacy and anonymity, but you know that you would benefit by working a 12 Step Program?

GuardYourEyes is proud to offer an In-depth B'Iyun 12 Step Big Book Study Lunch & Learn.

Led by Duvid Chaim, an experienced religious 12 Step Program Sponsor, for those who are unable or unwilling to make it to face to face meetings.

The Big Book Study Lunch & Learn (BBSL&L) uses the traditional and proven format used by millions of 12 Step sponsors and sponsees who have, with G-d's help, found recovery and freedom from their addiction.

The BBSL&L is starting a new cycle IY"H on Wednesday February 24, and will meet in a free conference call - 4 days a week, Monday through Thursday at 12 Noon (Eastern Standard Time). 

The BBSL&L is a TEXT STUDY Chabura; based on the AA Big Book. 

We will cover 2 to 3 pages from the Big Book each day and WORK THE STEPS.

This program is a proven method of success! 

The cycle takes between 3-4 months. This is a Program for men who are willing to make a serious commitment to finally find the freedom from their addiction; as literally promised by the Program.

To be added to Duvid Chaim's contact list for updates on the group, or if you have any questions, please contact Duvid Chaim here.

Please be prepared with a 12 Step Big Book (you can buy one at any major bookstore or ordering one from Amazon.com over here), (or you can download a copy from here).

You'll find more details about the BBL&LSG at this link. See also this page for frequently asked questions about Duvid Chaim's group.

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Two Great Speeches.

On September 8, 2009 (20 Elul, 5769), the Baltimore community had a Kinus Hisorarus (communal gathering) for men on the topic of Tznius.  The Rosh Yeshiva, Rav Aharon Feldman, Shlita, was the first speaker, and set the tone for the entire evening. Although the Rosh Yeshiva did not directly address pornography or the Internet, it's not difficult to apply much of what he said to the challenges we face.  

Especially on point is what the Rosh Yeshiva says near the end, about how breaches in Tznius (men being attracted to other women, and women trying to attract other men) have a profound effect on our Shalom Bayis.

The Rosh Yeshiva's speech is just under 20 minutes, and can be downloaded here.  

Rav Dovid Heber was the final speaker at the Kinus Hisorarus. His topic was the challenges of technology and immodesty, both in and out of the workplace.

  
Rav Heber's 35-minute speech includes sharply criticizing Facebook (and other social networking services) early on (3:00-4:50), as well as mentioning both GYE (10:05-10:11) and Internet pornography addiction (20:50-20:59).  Rav Heber has strong words about how many of us live double lives, and how contradictions in how we live and what we expect from our children can, c"v, have very negative effects on how they turn out (20:17-29:41). 

Rav Heber's speech is around 35 minutes, and can be downloaded here.  

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Quote of the Day

The Allergy

By "Sci1977":

I have been really thinking about the idea of how being an addict is like being allergic (I have very bad allergies.)  I totally agree with that concept more and more.  If I am - let's say - allergic to peanuts, I don't eat them out of knowing what is going to happen if I do eat them. This addiction is the same. I know that if I was to start to slip or fall, it would be the same. It is a wonderful way to describe it.

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Q & A of the Day

"How do I prevent myself from becoming an addict?"

I see myself as a not-yet addict but extremely prone to become one (I have all the causative factors that everyone writes about). And I have already began a downward trend, "acting out" twice recently for the first time in my life. How does one prevent a potential addict from becoming one?

Answer:

Dear Yid. One of the slogans of GYE is "Helping people hit bottom while still on top". Please see Chizuk e-mail #441 on this page for more on this vital concept (scroll down).

To get a feel for the horrors that this addiction can lead to, see this page for some stories from the point of view of the "wives of addicts".

And please read also the horror stories here and here.

Don't let yourself start sliding down the bottomless pit of addiction. It only gets worse, never better, and it can easily destroy your life in this world and the next - if not nipped in the bud NOW. Hit bottom while still on top!

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Daily Dose of Dov
Dov is sober in SA for over 10 years. See his story here.

Wishful Thinking

Someone who kept having repeated falls wrote on the forum:

Another fall... no time to feel sorry for myself.. I just got to try harder.. maybe one day I'll get it.

Dov replies:

Hi. I have read through a good bit of your recent posts and see that you are really struggling valiantly. The themes that keep coming up are that you talk to Hashem, love Him, want so much to depend on him, and expect Him to actually help you stay clean. It is clear that you are bothered by the things that you sometimes choose to do.

The quote above sounds quite sad. I have said the same thing to myself and to others many times in the past as well, and I do believe that you think you are truly sincere. You are honest, admitting whenever you "fall". Of course, it is relatively easy to be honest in a 'virtual' venue like this - hurts the pride a bit, yes, but still rather easy. No one sees you. 

You seem to feel that although you may be a failing, perhaps poor eved Hashem, you are at least still definitely an eved Hashem and assume that you will one day get better! I relate completely to those feelings.

 
Nevertheless, I have no sympathy for you, even though I love you. Chazal teach me not to have sympathy, it's not my idea... Please allow me to explain why I feel this way about you, and why I hope that sharing this with you may actually be helpful:

I am an addict. I am totally unable to stay clean. I use shmutz and lust, as you do, and have "special interests", as you do. Lust can easily take over my attention and my mind because to me it is a drug - it intoxicates me. With it, I can easily escape for a while into a fantasy world and feel powerful and free. I wake up shell-shocked, dirty and weak, of course, but what other tools for coping with the bothers of life do I possess? Not many, by nature, even though I was (and still am) a frum yid who learned Torah, davened, cared about, learned and even taught mussar, etc. A bit of a fake, no?

Nevertheless, I am sober today for over twelve years. You can look up my story on this site somewhere (see here). How is this possible? Am I showing off? 

Well, the answer is in many of your posts too: it's all due to a relationship with Hashem that recovery is helping me achieve and maintain day by day, even though I'm very imperfect. And at the same time, recovery helps me get a clear view of me. After all, it's hard to get and maintain a useful relationship with a big liar or with a person you can't really see. I was both. I need other people to help me with these things. I need Hashem to help me with them because the work was impossible. 

But I don't get the help just because I want it or ask for it. It requires me to do something. This is "olam ha'asiyah - the world of deeds". Period.

You do not seem to be lacking in emunah. But so far, every time someone posted a suggestion to you - a concrete suggestion - you responded with sweet answers like "Yes, I am putting my hope and trust in Hashem that He will help me with this." Very nice. But is that faith? Is faith about doing nothing but "trying harder", as you mention above? Is that "trusting"? Is trust something you have - or is it something you do?

I think you are describing neither trust, nor hope. I call what you are doing, "wishing". Nothing more than wishing real hard.

Faith - bitachon - is what Hashem wants us to use to gain the courage to do what is necessary to live as Yiddishe mentchen.

Promises and hopes mean nothing to your wife and kids. They want you to be better. I do not mean to insult you at all c"v. I am just sharing with you what was shared with me. And Hashem helped me.

He's powerful. He loves you. And He can do far better for you than help you "hope", if you just start taking the actions necessary to actually stop and get better. My wish for you is progress in the direction you started by joining GYE; to drop the shame, and to take whatever actions needed for you to get better. It all depends on what you want. Do you want to keep looking like you want to get better, or: do you want to actually start getting better?

If you continue wishing and hoping without progressing in taking real action, I would suggest that it just proves that you do not really want to get better.

And I may be the very last person to look down on you for being scared to death of actually quitting and staying quit. Hey - I'm an addict. I haven't forgotten what it's like to be tied to lust. And I also remember mastering the art of acting like I'm moving to recovery while actually running fast in the opposite direction. 

And that is why I love you. 

Wishing you all the chizuk in the world, 

- Dov

Tuesday  ~ 2 Adar, 5770  ~  February 16, 2010

In Today's Issue

• Attitude Tip of the Day: This is MY Movie
• Testimonial of the Day: You Saved My Life
• Battle Communication: Moving Targets Are Harder to Hit
• Link of the Day: Powerful Talk on "Family Security" By Rav Yosef Viener
• Daily Dose of Dov: The "Program"
• Pic of the Day: Keep on Truckin'
• Announcement: Duvid Chaim's Group Starting

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Attitude Tip of the Day

This is MY Movie

By "Silent Battle"

We have this idea in our head - a kind of script, really - that in various situations, our response is supposed to be to act out. It might be "when I'm under stress," or "when I'm lonely," or "when I'm triggered." But somehow, we've accepted that it's sorta-kinda OK to act out. Like it's understandable. 

And then we need to fight against that assumption. 

Instead, perhaps we should go through our minds in our free time; find all those messed-up scripts; and scrap them in favor of new, good ones. This is MY movie, and I think I'm going to call in the best script-writer available - yeah, that would be Hashem. I like his endings the best.

"Noorah" Responds:

Thanks for sharing this! Very well said!

This sounds a bit like the first of Covey's Seven Habits. He writes:

We can choose to be reactive to our environment. For example, if the weather is good, we will be happy. If the weather is bad, we will be unhappy. If people treat us well, we will feel well; if they don't, we will feel bad and become defensive. We also can choose to be proactive and not let our situation determine how we will feel. Reactive behavior can be a self-fulfilling prophecy. By accepting that there is nothing we can do about our situation, we in fact become passive and do nothing.

The first habit of highly effective people is proactivity. Proactive people are driven by values that are independent of the weather or how people treat them. Gandhi said, "They cannot take away our self respect if we do not give it to them." Our response to what happened to us affects us more than what actually happened. We can choose to use difficult situations to build our character and develop the ability to better handle such situations in the future.

Proactive people use their resourcefulness and initiative to find solutions rather than just reporting problems and waiting for other people to solve them.

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Testimonial of the Day

You Saved My Life

Josh posted on the forum:

Wow, unbelievable.... I had to wait to day 88 to gather enough courage to write here.

I have been looking all my life for something like this website and it wasn't till my work mate forwarded me a link to this site... And as soon as I saw this site I started, and B"H haven't fallen and IY"H won't fall ever again.

I would like to thank my work mate who I guess is also finishing his 90 days now, for if not for him who introduced me to this site who knows how much longer I would have continued?

And if you need any help, just know that you saved my life - and that alone should give you enough strength to continue for many more years....

Thank you administration of GYE for all the E-mails and reminders....

The daily emails and reminders, even thought I didn't always have time to read them... Just being in the Inbox reminded me to behave myself and keep away from the bad.

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Battle Communication

Moving Targets Are Harder to Hit

Rage (RATM) posted on the forum:

So here I am on my third week of my climb back up... How can I make this one better?... How do I make these clean days get me more return for my buck than the last days did?... I think about something I first learned from Dov and read about later in the SA literature... SA defines recovery as a progressive victory over lust.. I think that is the key, right there.... To try and make each day less lustful than the last day... While ultimately, our goal every day should be getting as close to the zero factor on lust. Each day we need to take an affirmative step that will get us there.... "What can I do today to be less lustful than yesterday?" is the question... And I believe that thinking along those lines can help us defeat the oh-so-dangerous sense of complacency that comes along with each progressive day...

But it's not gonna happen every day... I may lust more today than yesterday, but if you can somehow chart the lustfulness, the slope should be on the decline... This is what I need to internalize, and this is what I need to work on... My progressive victory... Moving targets are harder to hit... I can't afford to stand still... (Sorry Walt Clyde Frasier, in this war, the best offense is a good offense).

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Link of the Day

"Family Security" Talk by Rav Yosef Viener

We had the honor today of discussing our work at GuardYourEyes with Rav Yosef Viener, a well know Rav from the Agudas Yisrael of Flatbush. Rabbi Yosef Viener has inspired and enlightened thousands of listeners worldwide with his shiurim and lectures on Halachah and Hashkafah. (Click here for some of his Shiurim).

In the summer of 2009, Rav Veiner gave a talk called "Family Security" on the dangers of today's technology, with practical advice on how to protect ourselves and our children. After the talk, a man came over to Rav Veiner and told him that he would give any amount of money that Rav Veiner asked for, to make copies of that talk and distribute it. On the spot, he wrote out a $5,000 check and Rav Veiner proceeded to make 4,000 copies of the talk on CDs, which he distributed at later events that he attended. It's a very powerful talk, and well worth listening to!

To listen to the "Family Security" talk (MP3 Audio), click here.

(To download it, right click and press "Save Target/Link As")

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Daily Dose of Dov
Dov is sober in SA for over 10 years. See his story here.

The "Program"

To someone who claimed he had studied the 12-Steps and found them "insightful":

The steps are not like Torah, which (sadly) can just be a book, and just read without being believed in at all, nor incorporating it. The steps are not information - they are a program. Hence the term, "Program". You don't read them and think about them. You put them into action. Only.

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Pic of the Day

Keep on Truckin'

Sent in by "bardichev"

Wednesday  ~ 3 Adar, 5770  ~  February 17, 2010

In Today's Issue

• Announcement: Free Phone Calls!
• Personal Victory of the Day: Mazal Tov to 'Sci1977' on 90 days!
• Article Quote of the Day: Learning from Martin Gross A"H
• Daily Dose of Dov: Living as G-d's Boychik

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Announcement: Free Phone Calls!

Since Duvid Chaim's conference call will be starting a new cycle IY"H in a week from today (Feb 24), I would like to point out to everyone that we have found a way to get free phone calls! See this page for more info.

You'll find more details about Duvid Chaim's group at this link.

See also this page for frequently asked questions about Duvid Chaim's group.

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Personal Victory of the Day

Mazal Tov to 'Sci1977' on his 90^th day clean!

Today he is at the top of our 90 day chart here, and tomorrow he will be on our Wall of Honor chart here!

'Sci1977' wrote today on the forum:

Day 90 of being clean and sober. Thank you G-d, thank you G-d, thank you G-d. 

How do you even come close to understanding this momentous - yet still so small of an accomplishment - at the same time?  My gratitude is immense, and I will forever remember these 90 days probably more then any other 90 days of my life. Because it is where I found "living". I feel like a four year old that just got to open up his biggest birthday present. The only difference is, that instead of getting a toy or a video game, I received something better: life. Life was in a huge box with a big bow. My attitude has always been to stay positive. I have laughed, I have cried, I have been forthcoming with my deepest and most honest feelings.

A few things that I want to make sure I mention, because if I don't - as a human - I will kick myself: Be true to yourself and honest to yourself in your recovery process. Think of everyday as day 1. Yes, I have counted, but I feel like the count really doesn't matter. It's how you live that counts. Live the change you want to make.

Don't forget your past. Remembering who I was, is certainly a great reminder to continue on this journey. I was an angry little man (a small admission that really needs to be said on this day). I am still far from where I need to be, but I am not where I was.  One day at a time, with courage and determination. On a long trip, you can find yourself.  

I look at where I need to go, and I know I am so far away. G-d, give me the power to be "powerless" the rest of my life. This voyage is for the rest of my life. I will continue to lean on pillars of the strength of G-d and my wife. I look to them for guidance in good and bad. If you look at the addiction like an allergy, it helps.

The one word I would use to describe the last 90 days is, "work".  You have to work on yourself to get somewhere.  That's right, work on yourself.  Introspection of oneself is the best and most positive thing you can do. You can find out what makes you 'tick' as a person. It's introspection that made me understand you can't get far internally without thinking with a calm, cool, and collected head.

A positive attitude is a must. Without it, I know I would not have made it this long. I have tried to figure out how to write an outline of what worked for me. But instead of formally writing it, I am going to make bullet points.

• Tell your story
• Thank G-d for everything and understand that He is everything
• Be positive about your life, but more importantly, about yourself.
• Say goodbye to your past, but don't forget the past.
• Say hello to living, and live the change you are trying to make
• Love yourself
• Love your family, especially your spouse. 
• Be honest and work on yourself.
• Rely on friends or family when things get tough.
• Find outlets of relaxation (for me its sports).
   

Lastly, I want to thank all those who have responded or wrote something to me on my threads on the forum. Thank you, for you have all given me something, both as individuals and as a team.  

Oy vey, G-d get me through this without so many tears.  My wonderful beautiful wife. You and you alone were the one to put me on this path. Words can do this no justice. I hope you feel I have worked hard and really understand that I am not here without you. This could have been our end, and instead we turned it into a positive. Honestly not easy, but we have. I know that our road is still bumpy. You are everything to me. With every ounce of my being, I thank you.

I am eternally grateful to be where I am, on a good and moral journey. Thank you G-d, thank you my excellent wife, and thank you GYE.

No slips or falls, non needed or wanted.

I WILL WIN THE BATTLES AND THE WAR- WITH G-D'S HELP!!

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Article Quote of the Day

Learning from Martin Gross A"H

Teshuvah & Ahavas Yisrael are the two highest ideals of the GYE Network. And Martin Gross showed us all that these two ideals are possible even in the abyss of  pain and death.

To quote Nochum Kurinsky who was present at the execution (YW NEWS):

The curtain opened and there was Martin in the next room. He was only four or five feet from us, but he was strapped down and covered up until his neck. The only visible part of him was his arm, in which was an IV that would deliver the sam hamoves, the poison, and his face. In the room with him were a police officer and someone who stood with a paper and notebook presumably recording every detail of what transpired. The room also had a large clock behind Martin as well as video cameras and microphones hanging from the ceiling. Otherwise there were freshly painted walls, a sparkling clean floor, and a one way glass leading to a third room behind Martin.

Martin did not look at the crowd nor at the police officer next to him,  he just stared up at the ceiling. There was silence in the room, the tension was so thick you could cut it with a knife. I for one was almost convulsing. The clock read 6:02.

The officer asked "Mr. Grossman do you have any final words?" to which Martin replied "Yes".

Martin began "I completely regret everything that I did on that night, both that which I remember and that which I do not". He then said, "I would like to say a prayer," the officer said okay.

At that point Martin says "Shema Yisroel adon- elokenu adon- echod" in a loud voice and then said something that I will never forget so long as I live.
"Ahavat Yisroel".

At that point I began to weep so loud that the guy behind me asked me if I would like to leave. There are no words to describe the way Martin died. Martin committed a terrible crime, one that will haunt a family as long as they live. But with those two words he showed that, "ein dovor ha'omed bifnei harotzon," nothing stands in the way of a man's will. Martin died proclaiming his affection for Yisroel his brothers and sisters throughout the world, more for G-d and his Torah as well. Martin died a repentant man, but more than that. Martin died a man that accomplished something that we as Jews have been trying to do for nearly 2,000 years. He brought us together with true Jewish unity - Ahavas Yisroel.

Who knew a child born to an abusive father and sick mother, a boy who could not make it through school, a young man who shopped for drugs in his mother's closet, a man who killed someone -  and not just a person, but a young Park Ranger who was just doing her job, while he was high on a cocktail of drugs,  could have such an incredible impact.

Martin died as a true bal Teshuvah Al Kidush Hashem, sanctifying G-ds name in public, the highest level a Jew can reach on this earth.

We can all learn from Martin that Teshuvah is possible under all circumstances, and that the adverse situations that we sometimes find ourselves in, can be used as a springboard to unite Yidden together with true Ahavas Yisrael (as 50,000 yidden did, by sending e-mails and other such attempts to save him). Our addiction and suffering serve also to unite us, as we can see happening on the GYE forum every day. And we must always remember Martin and know that Teshuvah is possible against all odds and under all circumstances.

May his soul rest in peace.

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 Daily Dose of Dov
Dov is sober in SA for over 10 years. See his story here.

Living as G-d's Boychik

To someone who was discussing how "Hashem must be so happy when we struggle with the Yetzer Hara", Dov writes the following:

(Disclaimer: Dov's words are intended for people who have tried struggling with the Yetzer Hara for years and keep losing, not for people who are only slightly addicted and may be able to beat the addiction with 'will-power")

A funny thing seems to happen to all the folks I meet in recovery after they are sober for a while: They take on this mindset that they are not in this world to overcome lust. They begin to see their sobriety only as a gateway to real living. See the start of step 4 or 6 in AA's "12&12" for more on this, if you like. (These chapters discuss how our instincts, which are necessary for our existence, often far exceed their proper functions - and how we sometimes use our natural instincts for self-destruction). In fact, freedom from lust is the very last thing I feel is my tachlis in this world. There is this giant thing called "life" waiting for me out there. My wife, kids, the people I come in contact with, the Torah to learn... knowing G-d. These things beat any "struggle" hands-down.

Is my tachlis in this world really to beat lust? And I don't even really beat it anyway - Hashem does.... Is this a goal for a yid? Don't you think you'd want better for your kids? (After all, we're all Hashem's children). A father of a boy with emotional problems wants his son to eventually see his struggle with depression as 'road-kill' - at least in some respect.... not to stay in it - seeing it as 'the great purpose of his life'! Gevalt! What about living? Is this not poshut? Am I missing something here? OK maybe I am, as some mussar purists might tell me (with a Messilas Yeshorim squarely to the head); but as an addict, this is a totally unacceptable way of life, as far as I am aware. I have not seen the 'tortured strugglers' get better. Frumer - maybe, but rarely sober for very long. I don't personally know of any, as a matter of fact. Nu. Perhaps I need to get out more often! ;-)

Yes, yes, in the beginning of recovery - yes - the struggle to 'stop struggling' and give up completely on my ability to use lust successfully needs to be the prime focus of everything; i.e. the opposite extreme of how I was living before. But over time, it needs to reverse itself to simply living as G-d's boychik (or girlchik); and living with gusto! That's why the rest of the 12 steps (after the first) don't mention my problem at all. The 'problem' was just a symptom of being screwed up, after all! 

Furthermore, to me, this kind of talk is just more 'romanticism', which is ultimately about me, me, me. Romance with challenges, struggles and madreigos. I know the pull to it is tremendous. It is very attractive, the idea of getting "healed". But I - an addict - need to learn to live as an addict. It is probably fine for normal yidden to make 'the struggle' the entire point of life, and possibly even a great madreiga - difficult as I find it to accept. Yet, I have been there, as have many others, and for me as an addict, it's just useless. 

Just a share, for free, chaver. 

Marbim beSimcha!  

- Dov

Thursday  ~ 4 Adar, 5770  ~  February 18, 2010

In Today's Issue

• Personal Victory of the Day: I'm Proud of You
• Attitude Tip of the Day: Every Day is 'Day 1'
• Practical Tip of the Day: Wait 15 minutes
• Testimonial of the Day: Since Before My Bar-Mitzva
• Daily Dose of Dov: "What's with YOU?"
• Announcement: Free Phone Calls

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Personal Victory of the Day

I'm Proud of You

Yesterday we wished Mazal Tov to 'Sci1977' on his 90^th day clean, which got him onto our Wall of Honor chart here. Today 'Sci1977' wrote on the forum:

This morning, I re-read the last page or so of my thread and realized how emotional recovery is. I have closed the door to my office today so I could cry in peace. I want to point out that every single response has made me cry. I sent my wife what I wrote (which appeared in yesterday's e-mail) and I got a response from my wife by e-mail. She wrote:

I'm very proud of you, obviously. I know you didn't feel that you had options, but you did have options, and one was to keep walking forward away from us and the children, and you didn't. You did very much the opposite. I will tell you that you have amazed me. I never thought that we would make it. Whatever you thought was dark, I felt it was completely black. I wanted to put up a wall that you couldn't break down, no matter what. Instead of that, you showed me that you loved me, and little by little I saw that you loved yourself too. 

I feel like your best friend, and I do want to be that person. Spiritually, you showed me that you can be something for me to be proud of, and I am. 

What my wife wrote made me cry more then anyone. My heart is filled with much love.  Thank you all once again.

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Attitude Tip of the Day

Every Day is 'Day 1'

'Sci1977' shares an attitude tip:

I want to share today something that I feel is very important to make sure I get out - and off my chest. The 90 days is for sure a must to get where you want to go. However, the first day is more important then the rest of those 90. I look back now and see that at day 1, I knew nothing about myself. I knew I had a problem, but not much else. Day 1 is when you are actually more brave then any other time. It shows you're ready to give in and try. I know that everyday farther away from the dirty past is a good one, but it would not have happened without day 1. In a way, I try to see everyday as day 1. For that is the day I found my life and the many wonderful things that go with it. I found myself more connected to wife, family and friends.  Most important though, is I found myself connected to myself. I also rekindled my love for G-d. This journey continues, and I know now that there is time for family, G-d, friends and relaxation. The road is still bumpy. But life, REAL LIFE, is so precious.

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Practical Tip of the Day

Wait 15 Minutes

"Holy Yid" writes to someone on the forum who wrote he wants to stop these behaviors because he doesn't want to be a sinner:

You should want to stop to be able to have a life, NOT to stop 'sinning'.

If you don't stop now, you will end up spending your whole day online looking at P***. You will have no life. You will not learn Torah. You will ignore your wife and kids. You will not get a position, nor be able to hold down a job.

So how do you stop?

Well that's what this site is for. I was crazy till I found this site. Then I learned to stop trying to "stop" and start living instead!

Let me explain.

Step 1: Admit you have a problem that you can't control. Post that here on the forum, post it often, and don't forget it. 

Step 2: Don't resist the urges, cuz that just makes them stronger. Instead, gently put your mind some place else.

If that does not work, tell yourself "I will wait 15 minutes and then I will allow myself to do whatever I want". During that time, do something you enjoy. That might help you. If it does not, you will at least have the merit of those 15 minutes. Keep building your merit, and ultimately you will succeed!

And one last BIG SECRET: Post here on the forum often and tell us about your struggles and victories!

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Testimonial of the Day

Since Before My Bar Mitzvah

By "Yosef Hatzadik"

I am a Brooklyn yungerman who has been looking at re'ios assuros even before I knew that I shouldn't be looking at them. I was doing the ma'aseh before I knew that it is an aveira, r"l. I am married now with a few children, Boruch Hashem, and have been struggling with the yetzer horah since then.

B'rov rachamov vechasodov, I was zoche to be directed to this great and holy site by a Rav who knows about my struggles (I am forever indebted to him for this referral!).

My Rav insists that every single person davening in his shul or coming to his shiurim must sign up to CovenantEyes.com at his expense, and he gets the accountability reports. (That's how he found out about my problem and referred me to this site).

I told the Rav recently that I have a big t'viyah (complaint) against him for not telling me about this site earlier!

With much siyata dishmaya and the chizuk I received from this site, I was zoche to have a higher level of shmiras einayim for the last month that I haven't had since before I was a Bar Mitzvah!

This eida kedosha is a truly holy gathering of people who are Hashem's REAL friends in this lowly world. [Bemokom shebalei teshuva omdim ein tzadikim gemurim yecholim la'amod!] We may not be like the tzadikim of previous generations, but in this dark, dirty, dingy, disgusting, and degrading society we were put into, {in his infinite wisdom... we believe we are lucky to be in this generation, otherwise we wouldn't be here! HE doesn't make mistakes!} we can accomplish even more than the tzadikim of old did! WE CAN BRING THE GEULA! After all, a small 4 watt nightlight bulb will make all the difference between whether you bump into the walls or not - if you put it in a room which is otherwise in total darkness; whereas a million candlepower searchlight does little good when used in bright daylight, as CHAZA"L say: Shraga betihara mai ahanye. (As in the days of old when so many Tzadikim filled the world).

Yasher Ko'ach to all the good Jews who set up this site, to all those that post on this site, to all those that help fund this site, and to all those dear friends of Hakodosh Boruch Hu who value true kosher SIGHT!!!

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Daily Dose of Dov
Dov is sober in SA for over 10 years. See his story here.

"What's with YOU?"

("How I wish someone had asked me this 20 years ago!")

Someone wrote on the forum:

Undertaking a genuine Teshuva starts by understanding the mekoros and ikarim of the issurim of these issues. This is not only MY opinion, but many rishonim and baalei hamusar hold like this. You can get rid of an issur and a bad habit by shaping your mind to understand and be aware at all times, of the harm caused by our deeds.

Dov Responds:

You are talking about what the sforim and ba'alei mussar say about teshuva. That means you know this already. So then why is the struggle so hard if you know it already? After all, Hashem doesn't want this for you. So don't do it. You are a precious child of His - and His personal project. Right? Each of us is.So why do it?

I'm not talking about what's right - I'm asking you about what's with you. (Not what's with the Torah). You is what matters, because we already know that the Torah doesn't hold of looking at porn or masturbating. Get me?

Let's not play games, neither of us.

Teshuvah is b'ikar about what you have done. What does Teshuva have to do with not doing it any more? I know, I know... it's supposed to affect the future... So let it! What's your question?

How about not doing it any more for two months. Then talk about Teshuva.

Not so simple?

I'm not talking about "addiction" here - just about you.

What is the difference in the exact "nature of the prohibition" as far as stopping and staying stopped is concerned, if you agree that it is not what your very best Friend ever (Hashem) wants for you?

I wish I had someone ask me this very question 20 years ago. Oh, how I wish it.

Hatzlocha sweet yid!

Friday  ~ 5 Adar, 5770  ~  February 19, 2010
Erev Shabbos Parshas Terumah

In Today's Issue

• Parsha Talk - Terumah: "And I Shall Dwell In Them"
• Battle Communication: Take the Ball & Run With it!
• Attitude Tip of the Day: There is No 'Long Haul'
• Daily Dose of Dov: Teshuvah Through Experience

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Parsha Talk: Terumah

"And they shall make for me a Tabernacle, and I shall dwell in them"

The Pasuk doesn't say "I will dwell in it". Rather, it says "I will dwell in them". Every Jew can make his heart like a Tabernacle for the divine presence to dwell inside of him.

Ahron (whose story appears here on our site, and here on Aish.com) wrote to me yesterday:

For me, at least right now, recovery is a two step approach:

Step one is a list I wrote up of the consequences of acting out, which remind me that it will kill me.

And step two is to add Kedusha to my life, so that I live right.

As R' Viener said in the shiur that you sent out recently called "Family Security", Tznius leads to Kedusha, and Kedusha allows the Shechina in. And when the Shechina is there, lust is not. They do not - and cannot - coexist. 

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Battle Communication

Take the Ball & Run with it!

Jack, whose 90-Day time-line appears here on our site, writes to a newcomer:

My (user)name is Jack, please read my recovery story. I was addicted for 38+ years until I found this site. Do the 90 days, even one minute at a time, if you have to. Join a phone group - you will find one here that suits you. Don't attempt this by yourself. Would you attempt to climb mount Everest all by yourself? Remember that falling is part of the process. You have started on the road to recovery! Yasher koach. The first step is to admit there is a problem - many people are in denial and don't admit they're addicts. You know the guy who says he can quit anytime? yeah, sure. Well I am clean for almost a year and a half, with only a few slips spaced out over about 6 months each. But basically I'm doing fine. But - once an addict always an addict, and it never totally goes away. But we can control it - IF WE WANT TO. Take the ball and run with it!

Oh, and one more thing: Get a sponsor who you can call (almost) anytime when you are weak. I can't emphasize enough how a sponsor helped me through the toughest times, mainly the first 90 days. I spoke to my sponsor every week, and I wrote to Guard ten times a day. He put all his mesiras nefesh into me, just like he does for everybody else on this forum.

Hatzlacha Raba,

Jack

Comment from the webmaster: Due to time constraints, Guard is no longer available to answer 10 e-mails a day. Please keep your e-mail correspondence to five e-mails or less :-) ... Even better, get yourself a partner to keep you strong. See this page for more info on how to get a partner for e-mailing / chatting on-line / phone calls.

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Attitude Tip of the Day

There is No 'Long Haul'

By "Rage" (RATM)

I was having a conversation with someone from the forum and here is how it went: I said, "I believe in you", then he said, "I believe in me in short spurts, but not for the long haul"... It then occurred to me that we are in total agreement... Because there is no long haul... in fact "tomorrow" is a word we use to describe fiction; something that is not real and is not there... Tomorrow is no more real than July 27, 2306 is real... All we have is today and now, and that is all we can work at... And if day 1 is a miracle from Hashem, then so is day 56... And if day 135 is hard, it is no harder than day 2... The only thing we can work on is the only thing we have in our hands: Today... NOW... And if you believe you can work on yourself NOW and stay clean this second and this minute, then you believe in yourself.

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 Daily Dose of Dov
Dov is sober in SA for over 10 years. See his story here.

Does Teshuvah stem from knowledge of the Issur, or from knowledge gained through Experience?

Yesterday we brought a piece from Dov where he tells the guy how "knowing the intricacies of the issurim" is not what we need to recover. Instead, we need to ask ourselves what is OUR problem is (not what the Torah says the problem is).

After some replies on the forum, Dov again clarifies that it is not the "knowledge" of why it's wrong that can stop a real addict, nor is it blind-faith in the truth of the Torah that can stop us. What stopped him, was plain and simply the "knowledge" that he gained through his suffering.

Dov writes:

If we could actually say that knowing this (the intricacies of the issurim) would necessarily make an iota of difference in getting someone to stop for good, I'd promptly shut up. But I do not believe it is so in many cases. 

Of the following two choices, which is more like "knowledge" and which is more like "blind faith"?

1 - What the p'sukim, shulchan aruch, gemorah or zohar tell me I must not do, (based on my acceptance of Torah misinai, emunas chachomim, [and ruach hakodesh in some cases])...

or,

2 - the experiences - each of which I had: of being so wrapped up in my porn and masturbation (or my heiligeh struggle not to use/do it) that I lived a life where even my ruchnius is all about me; watching my wife cry her heart out when she sees that I have a much closer relationship with my "thing"than I have with her (sorry folks); and getting my face mashed into the shame of my servitude to these embarrassing and pathetic behaviors that I do over and over, without recovery. 

I don't need any faith to suffer. I just need to not recover. 

Furthermore, when the Torah tells us that teshuvah (per RMB"N) is within our reach, it doesn't say it's in a book, at all. It says all we need la'asos is what is in our mouths and in our hearts. Our own experience - if we really see it as it is - unvarnished - will lead us to Teshuva.

Sunday  ~ 7 Adar, 5770  ~  February 21, 2010

In Today's Issue

• Torah Thought of the Day: Amalek = 240 = Safek
• Battle Communication: 2 Weeks Free from the Computer
• Practical Tip of the day: Delete your "Buzz"
• Attitude Tip of the Day: Misinterpreting the Urge
• Daily Dose of Dov: Purpose vs. Side Affect
• Help us Save Lives: A Powerful Quote from Rav Yosef Viener