701. |
Thursday ~ 20 Shvat, 5770 ~ February 4, 2010 |
|
In Today's Issue
-
Two Announcements: Dr.
Naftali Fish / Rav Feldman's Letter
-
12 Step Attitude:
Letting Go of Pride
-
Poem of the Day:
Goodbye to Addiction
-
Daily Dose of Dov:
"The problem is not with life, it's with US."
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Two Announcements
Announcement 1
We will be having a free conference call with Rabbi
Dr. Naftali Fish of Yerushalayim (see
www.nachatruach.com website)
on
Elya's phone group this Sunday, February 7, at
12 noon Central Time, 1 p.m. Eastern Time in the US.
(That's 8 p.m. in Israel).
Everyone is invited. This is a unique opportunity!
Rabbi Fish will speak about his
Nachat Ruach program - the link between the 12
steps and Torah. He will show
how the two are complimentary and will give us
actual meditation techniques and strategies that we
can use to incorporate his ideas into our recovery
process. He will show us how we should not just say
"I'm an addict" (although it may be true), but
also a precious child of Hashem - and believe it, so we can grow spiritually.
Torah based meditation and hypnosis can help heal
the "inner wounded child" and have a positive
influence on the unconscious mind, which is often
the root of addictions.
Find out how the
12 steps work within a Torah Framework - from
the creator of this revolutionary system.
The phone number for the free conference call is
1-712-429-0690. The PIN is 225356 (as indicated on
Elya's Group's Page
here).
He will take questions at the end. (Elya K will
moderate).
Thank you Elya - for arranging this, and thank you
R/Dr. Fish, for agreeing!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Announcement 2
We tried to have
Rav Feldman's letter printed in the Mishpacha
magazine, to boost awareness of the dangers of
the internet and to spread the word about our work
for those who may have fallen in. However, the
Rabbinical advisory board of Mishpacha magazine
contacted Rav Feldman and explained that there was a
concern that people who did not struggle with these
issues would check out our websites and forum just
out of curiosity, and they may see things there that
could bring them to "hirurim". The Rosh Yeshiva
agreed with this concern and has instead signed a
second letter that is more neutral. The new
letter does not mention the word "pornography", nor
does it mention our website. It just mentions "the
materials and handbooks of the 'Guard Your Eyes'
program" for men who have fallen into an addiction
of viewing "inappropriate material". At the bottom
of the letter, we posted an e-mail address where
people can write in to "find out more about our
program". This new letter makes it a lot easier to
publish in the mainstream religious newspapers and
magazines, and it also makes it much easier for
ALL OF YOU WHO ARE READING THIS to print it out
and hang it up (when no one sees) in your local
shuls, shtiblach and Batei Medrashim.
The letter can be
downloaded here (right-click and press "Save
Target/Link As"). PLEASE help us save hundreds
of Yiddishe Neshamos! Print out a bunch of copies
and spread it around your community!
Someone wrote me today:
With the help of God, in middle of the night I hung up 3 copies
of the letter from Rav Feldman outside one of the
main Batei medreshim of Beth Medrash Gavoha in
Lakewood NJ (with thousands of talmidim). I do not
know how long it will be left hanging, but we can
only try. I also sent out letters to Rav Mattisyahu
Salomon, two Rabbis, and a Rosh Yeshiva for guys at
risk. (I know that he is very vocal about the web).
And another guy recently wrote:
I did it guys. I went to the post office and mailed
large envelopes to the Rabbanim in my town, with no
return address. They each contained a personal
anonymous letter from me,
R' Aharon Feldman's letter,
Rabbi Twerski's letter, and
the GYE flyer. I said a silent tefillah while I
waited in line. Feels really good. It will be
surreal if I actually see the fliers up in any of
the shuls next week!
(For an example letter to send to your Rabbanim,
see here.)
Rabosai, do you realize the tremendous zechusim you
could be getting? Diamonds are rolling in the dust;
who will bend down to pick them up? Hundreds of holy
Yiddishe Neshamos, marriages and families can
possibly be saved only because you took a few
moments to print out this letter and spread it
around!
Note:
In areas where internet usage is basically universal
- such as in the more modern Orthodox venues, the
Rosh Yeshiva Rav Feldman agrees that the letter that
does mention our website should be
publicized.
Click here to download the original version, and
click here to download a version that avoids use
of the word "Pornography").
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
12-Step Attitude
Letting Go of Pride
By Yosef
B"H, today is day number 76. But as Dov says, I need
to always ask myself, "how can I make the days
count, and not just count the days?"
Well, the way that I hope to make today
count is to go easier on myself and not punish
myself with thoughts about all the things that I
usually harass myself with. For example, this week I
was suddenly triggered, and within seconds the
predator within me wanted to act out. At the time, I
imagine it goes like this in my unconscious mind:
"You stupid idiot, what's wrong with you?! How dare
you lust after that girl. You must still be that low
person that you have always been. You are a
hypocrite for attending SA meetings - how could this
be happening again?!"
Dov suggested using 12-step principles (taking a 4th
step inventory) to help me understand what was
beneath the harsh way that I was treating myself
after these type of incidents. Because if I would
continue to berate myself after every such incident,
I would probably not be able to stay sober and I
certainly could never be happy. The inventory
revealed that Pride, more than anything else, was
the culprit. "How could this be happening to me,
again?" was the thought that revealed my
over-inflated pride at work. In other words, "I am
better" or "should be better" than this behavior and
deserve to be punished for it.
My thinking that I "should" be better than this
behavior is a very subtle but dangerous emotional
trap for me. It is actually a very clever trick from
the Yetzer Hara, who would like me to think that
punishing myself for lusting makes me more of a frum
guy. The reason that this type of thinking is deadly
for me is because it is a denial of who I am: an
addict. That means that no matter what "I think", my
body is still sick, and when it sees something and
gets triggered, it just wants to do its thing.
That's just the way it is. I need to accept this
before I can "fight" my way out of it. It needs to
become "Ok" for me to be who I am in order to
sympathize with myself. So, for me, if this C"V
happens again, a better approach would be to think
"Ok, there's that silly illness of mine rearing his
head again. Thank you G-d for reminding me that I
cannot go through this alone. At that point, I would
need to make some calls and get the support that I
need to stay sober for another day. My pride, that
tells me that I'm not as good as the "regular" guy
who is not addicted, needs to be
surrendered to the truth, which is: I'm not a
regular guy. If I can accept that, then I have a
chance at a good life.
I heard a Magid Shiur say a similar thing
last night at an SA meeting. He said that he used to
beat himself constantly for being a sex addict.. But
now he feels that it is almost a good thing, because
it keeps him working on himself to become a better
person - something, he said, he was not doing until
he found the program and started to come to
meetings. Reb Pinchas Koritzer was know to say the
following words more than 100 times per day, if
necessary (and I have started to use it myself):
Ribono Shel Oylam, [please] "Nachaini b'derech ha'emes -
Please lead/guide me along (your) path of Truth". |
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Poem
of the Day
Goodbye to Addiction
by Elya
You protected me from
conflict
And soothed my
shattered self,
You were my friend
when I was lonely,
And when boredom came
to rest.
You were my friend
when lovers refused me,
You always pleased
me,
At first I blamed you
on pure curiosity,
then you got the
better of me.
I couldn't get enough
of you,
Now I'm getting rid
of you!
Goodbye addiction,
you meant so much to me,
when I escaped into
my fantasy world to escape
my fears and
insecurities.
Being anonymous made
me feel powerful, sly and invisible,
But deep inside, you
ended up making me feel miserable.
I latched on to you
to pass the time,
When I started new
projects or just out of town,
I longed to connect
to my fantasies and dreams,
And you always
obliged by creating the scenes.
Even in success you
enveloped my life,
How could I be
successful, it just didn't feel right.
With you at my side,
I could feel powerful and in charge,
an excuse to
procrastinate, to escape my wounded scars.
Now, as I think of
all the time I've wasted,
All the real hopes
and dreams that could and should have been,
I realize now that in
a way you are a blessing in disguise,
Because in my desire
to get rid of you,
I've come to
appreciate my true self,
And know that Hashem
is really in charge,
And all I have to do
is give HIM the power to destroy you. |
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Daily Dose of Dov
Dov is sober in SA for over 10 years. See his story
here.
"The Problem is not with life, it's with US"
They say that our addiction is just a symptom of our
problem, not the
problem itself - it just happens to be the "problem"
that gets us into treatment for our real problem,
which is that life itself is unbearable to us. In
recovery we discover that the problem was not with
"life", but with us. And thank Goodness for that! It's the greatest gift
of the program, as far as I am concerned. At least
"us" is something we can have some control over,
unlike the outcomes of "life". AA writes about
this illusion of control thing. Lack of real faith
and humility, coupled with character defects such as
fear, pride, dejection (which is actually pride
- we grandiosely expect things
to go our way or that we should be nearly perfect
tzaddikim), and/or other character defects that
separate us from G-d and people were our
destruction. Our insides make normal life
unbearable. Some of us intuit that at an early age
(hence the guys who describe compulsive masturbation
and schmutz-interest at age 6 or so) while others
perceive their desperate need for an escape from
life at a later age. Some just commit suicide.
Thankfully that's rare (though the wife of one
friend of mine has told me she wishes her
post-arrest husband had committed/would commit
suicide).
|
|
|
702. |
Friday ~ 21 Shvat, 5770 ~ February 5, 2010
Erev Shabbos Parshas Yisro - Kabbalas HaTorah |
|
In Today's Issue
-
Parsha Talk- Yisro:
It's A Package Deal
-
12 Step Attitude:
The First Guy I Couldn't Con
-
Testimonial of the Day:
"I'll always be a GYE member"
-
Daily Dose of Dov:
Small Pearls From Dov
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Parsha Talk: Yisro
IT'S A PACKAGE DEAL
By "bardichev"
In this week's Parsha we have the Aseres Hadibros:
the Corner Stone of Yiddishkeit.
There is so much to be said.
I would like to focus
on the last commandment : "LO SACHMOD
-
You
(what's with the whole 'thou' thing?)
should not be envious of all that is your friends".... of you friend's wife, his house, his donkey, etc...
Ok, so what's so
wrong with a little envy and jealousy?
What's the big deal?
And also, why does the
Hashem command us not to be jealous of certain
specifics, and then He sums it all up and says: "V'chol asher Li'raei'echa
-
and all that is your
friend's"?
The answer is:
Jealousy is a lack of Emunah - and Emunah is the
basis of the whole Torah.
Our spouses, our houses, our cars, kids and even vacations, are
all pre-destined from Hashem.
Oh, but we are still
jealous...
Ok, well look at the
rest of the baggage your friend carries.
You want her, her
house, her jewels, her lavish wedding?
Well then take her
parents,
her crazy
brother, her
phobias, etc.. too!
V'chol
asher Li'raei'echa...
It's a package deal!
Oy yoy yoy Shabbod Koidesh!!!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
For a beautiful answer on the question as to
how Hashem can expect us not to desire what
we see (after all, isn't this out of our control?),
see Chizuk e-mail #417 on
this page
called "The Daughter of the King (Part 2)" or see day #17
in the translations of Reb Shraga Shlachter's book
called "The First Day of the Rest of My Life" which
can be
downloaded here). |
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
12-Step Attitude
The First Guy I Couldn't Con
Yosef Shares:
One of the SA guys here on GYE, schlepped
me out of the sewer and sent me to the first person
I've ever known that I couldn't con. I had the merit
to talk on the phone with Harvey, one of the
founding fathers of SA (he's an old guy today).
Talking to Harvey was seeing myself for the first
time. He forced me to realize the truth about my
condition and how my own thinking about how
to get out of it was bound to destroy me. He saw
through my soft spoken arrogance, denial, and
self-will. I could not see it myself because the
poison had already reached too deep into my way of
thinking. He exposed years of my self-delusional
thinking for what it is. He needed to beat me down
mercilessly, turning all my "lumdish"
thinking back against me. And after he knocked me
out and I couldn't do anything except lie there
praying to be spared, He lifted me up with more love
and encouragement than I ever felt in my life. I
have now attended seven
SA meetings - I cannot describe his joy.
His joy (for me) is teaching me how I
can feel joy for me. It's the human element
for which there is just no substitute.
My heart goes out to a guy who shared
tonight in the SA group. He just lost a great job
because they caught him having phone-sex at work;
his wife left him; he is losing his house; he is
still be investigated for something else
(unspecified). He has also just started meetings and
feels so grateful to have meetings to come to. He is
also grateful for his new job as a security guard
(even though it is far less than what he used to
have). He was so thankful for the little heater
they gave him, that kept him warm in his booth all
night long. He is about as alone in the world as a
person can be. He has hit bottom. Most of the guys
in tonight's group have hit bottom. We all felt his
pain, his loneliness - and our own. Something
special, magical and indescribable was shared
between all of us tonight. I don't think I'll see
these guys again because I am moving soon, but I
hope I never forget the experience.
I just want to say to Dov who posts here on
the forum a lot (comment: see "Daily Dose of
Dov" below), you should know that your posts
belong in an intensive care unit. They are
intravenous lines for those that use them! |
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Testimonial of the Day
"I'll always be a GYE member"
"Kollel Guy" posts a goodbye:
Hey everybody,
In case you're
wondering where I was, I recently decided that the
computer is lately the main and central obstacle in
my life right now. I have decided to cut the
computer out of my life completely (my wife is
typing this for me). I haven't touched the computer
for a few days already, and today was my second day
in Kollel, learning normal sedarim (I hadn't
been going to Kollel for months).
When I get my printer working again, maybe I will get my wife
to print out the
white-book of SA and the
big book of AA, so I can read it without the
computer. I still have a phone sponsor, so I am out
of isolation, and I'll have my wife open up GYE here
and there for me to see what's been going on
recently.
I'll really miss you
guys. You got me to places which I never thought I
would get to. Both with your advice and suggestions
- when trying to help me and others, as well as with
your questions and calls for help, which helped
remind me that I am normal and struggling with a
very common problem, and not just a mess which "me
the loser" ended up with.
The truth is, I am
not leaving GYE. I can never do that, even if I
never post again. I'll always be a GYE member, and
I'll always take pride in that.
Hatzlacha Rabba with your own goals, and Hatzlacha with your
avodas hakodesh of helping other Yidden with
their goals.
Kol Tuv,
Kollel Guy |
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Daily
Dose of Dov
Dov is sober in SA for over 10 years. See his story
here.
Small Pearls From Dov
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Hashem Healed the Yidden Before Kabalas Hatorah
I just want to bring something that Dov once
mentioned. Chazal tell us that before Matan Torah,
the Yidden were all miraculously healed by Hashem.
Says Dov, this teaches us that before we can be
Zoche to true Matan Torah, we need to be healed
first! To quote Dov in response to "why the Torah
learning of an addict doesn't seem to save him":
-
The answer is surely in the Torah, but I can't
see it nor use it as long as lust is in
ME".
-
Our problem is not in our "Torah" per-se, but rather in
how we approach our "Torah".
-
So consider quitting banging your head against the Torah
and look into yourself for the answer, first.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Na'aseh Ve'Nishma
Let's declare a moratorium on "thinking" now, and just Do.
Do for Hashem, simply and humbly! Yippee.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Hashem Loves Us
Hashem loves each one of us so much more than we can ever love
Him, so much so, that we practically hate
Him compared to how much He loves us. Oy
vei.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Hated it & Loved It
I started recovery with a clear feeling that I cannot afford to
cross certain boundaries again - that I had to grow
up. It was painful and I hated it but loved it, and
can't explain better. It felt different,
and that was what told me I might be on the right
track. "Any track but the old one" was my motto, and
still is.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I'll
Daven For You
Dov tells someone on the forum:
Having no z'chus of any kind, still full
of myself, and totally useless/powerless over lust,
I will daven for you. Every bit of teshuvah and
simcha in avodas Hashem that I have ever come in
contact with, whether I came to it "b'ratzon" or "b'oness",
"b'shogeg" or "b'meizid", was and is, all a
free gift from Hashem. So I am sure He's got enough
in store to help you out with, too.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dov's Teffilah Against "Keri"
Before I go to sleep, I make sure to smile, take a deep breath,
and say to my Best Friend something like this:
"Elo-h-ai, You helped me before through so many nights that I
didn't deserve to get through. Please do it again
tonight and help me wake up with at least a little bit of joy and honestly serve You at least a little bit
- no matter what happens
tonight. I love You so much! Thank You, Hashem".
Then I go to sleep.
It's nice, actually.
Try it! |
|
|
703. |
Sunday ~ 23 Shvat, 5770 ~ February 7, 2010 |
|
In Today's Issue
-
Announcement:
Big things are happening - but we need YOUR
advice!
-
Torah Thoughts:
The Diametric Opposite
-
12-Step Attitude / Testimonial:
Forever Vulnerable
-
Testimonials of the Day:
From Two Warriors
-
Daily Dose of Dov:
Dealing with Fantasies
-
Announcement:
Don't Miss TODAY'S Call with Dr. Naftali Fish!
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Announcement
Big things are happening on GYE B"H
- but we need YOUR advice!
Big things are happening lately. More and more Rabbanim,
therapists and organizations are hearing about our
work, especially in light of the warm endorsements
that we received from
Rabbi Feldman and
Rabbi Twerski. The possibility of raising a few
hundred thousand dollars to expand our life-saving
work is no longer a distant dream. Be"h it's just a
matter of time and some well-placed connections...
(If anyone can offer a good possible connection,
please help us out here!)
And the reason we believe that we can raise these amounts is
simple: This is perhaps the biggest Nisayon of our
generation, and more than anything else, it is
destroying the very fabric of our community; lives,
marriages and families. On the other hand, no one
else is doing what we are doing today on GYE. We
are already helping hundreds - if not thousands - of
Yidden through our daily chizuk e-mails, phone
conferences, forums, handbooks and of-course, the
two websites. But many thousands more can still
be reached, and our network can still be made so
much more useful - with many new life-saving
features!
One of the prerequisites to raising these kind of amounts, is
to put down on paper what exactly we feel we could
do at GYE - if
only we had enough funds.
In other words, we need a business plan: clear cut
strategies, costs and goals, both short-term and
long term.
I would like to hear everyone's ideas on how you
think we could reach more Yidden and help
more Yidden around
the world.
We have already written up a list of many ideas
over here that we could hopefully do - if we had
the funds. But we want to hear YOUR ideas too!
Is there anything you have always wished would exist on GYE?
Some examples:
-
Monitored (anonymous) chat-rooms,
-
24 hour (anonymous) hot-lines to call in when
feeling weak or needing direction,
-
A website in Hebrew,
-
A Gemach for people who can't afford therapy,
-
"The best of GYE" weekly pamphlets, handed out
in shuls around the U.S
-
Published books, offering clear, step by step
guidance
-
Indexes of all the daily e-mails and articles on
our web-sites where people could easily find
answers to commonly asked questions by just
typing in key-words
-
A Prevention department (with books and
seminars) to guide Rabbanim and Mechanchim on
the tools of prevention and treatment.
etc. etc.
We are in the process of drawing up a business
plan/proposal - and we need your help. Either
post your ideas on the thread
here on our forum, or
send us an e-mail with your ideas on how to make
GYE better and more useful, and how to reach many
more Yidden. (And if anyone has experience in
drawing up business plans/proposals, please let us
know if you can help us out).
Thank you & Tizke Lemitzvos! |
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Torah Thoughts
The Diametric Opposite
By "7Up" (GYE Rebbetzin)
The Zohar on Parshas Balak talks about Matan Torah and says
that before Hashem gave the Torah to Am Yisrael, He
first offered it to all the goyim of the world. And
he also gave them Bilaam, a Navi as great as Moshe
Rabbeinu, so they couldn't say they didn't have a
fair chance.
In order for a person
to really understand the worth of something,
introduce them to the opposite concept first,
so they can personally appreciate the difference.
Want to sell a perfect diamond? First show the buyer
the difference between glass, inferior diamonds, and
then finally your perfect stone. Want to introduce
someone to the intricacies of fine wine? Start with
$1 wine "special" and end with a vintage Bordeaux.
I think the same idea
is very connected to our generation, which is Iy"H
the final one before the geulah, and the hardest
accordingly:
The holiest period in
history is about to be revealed to the whole world.
In order for us - and
the whole world - to fully appreciate it when
it is finally revealed, we must first examine its
diametric opposite:
Absolute Kedusha vs. Absolute Tuma.
We are currently
steeped in the Tumah, and if anyone knows just how
repulsive it is, it's those of us on GYE.
AND THIS IS
EXACTLY WHAT HASHEM WANTS!
Imagine this:
Moshiach comes
tomorrow. The Goyim approach HKB"H with their
complaints. "Hashem; The world is buried in
absolute filth and Tuma. How were we, mere humans,
supposed to have fought it? You created us with a
natural desire for sexual pleasure. The pull was so
strong, that no-one could have resisted the urges,
and no one was even trying."
AND IN WALKS GYE:
Hashem's final answer to the Goyim! |
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
12-Step
Attitude / Testimonial
Forever Vulnerable
Mazal Tov to Eye.Nonymous on reaching 100 days clean!
Eye.Nonymous wrote on the forum recently:
I was thinking that this AA attitude that an addict
is "allergic" to their addiction and is forever
vulnerable, seems to be very much in line with
Chazal, as they say:
"The Yetzer Hara is misgaber on a person every day,
and without Hashem's help, we can't withstand it."
I don't mean "vulnerable" like "paranoid
vulnerable". I mean "vulnerable" in a sobering sort
of way. Like, if you know that you'll get
electrocuted by touching the socket with wet hands,
you're afraid to do it - AND you won't do
it. You're not paranoid about electric sockets all
day long.
I've uncovered a lot of triggers for what
they are - electric sockets. I'm done playing games
like, "If I only do this, it won't be a problem" or
"If I stop at this point, I'll be okay". STARTING
ANYTHING even distantly related to lust, is a
trigger.
On another point, I see a great benefit in this
"vulnerable" feeling. I am turning to Hashem
informally, and much more often than I used to. I
feel my Emunah is growing in a very real way,
though slowly. I have never felt before so tangibly
that Hashem is actually a part of my life. And, if
this is the result of vulnerability, I'd gladly keep
it.
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Testimonials of the Day
"Giboir" writes:
I was away from home and spent three nights alone in
a hotel room. B'H, with the help of this website I
managed to stay totally clean. I'm aiming for the
full 90 days and more!
Sol R. Writes:
I get tremendous chizuk from the daily emails. I
have chosen to eliminate internet access completely
from my life, including at work. It's better than
any filter. Nonetheless, I read the daily e-mails. I
had someone else download
the handbook and the
GYE attitude. They are great works. Thanks. |
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Daily Dose of Dov
Dov is sober in SA for over 10 years. See his story
here.
Dealing
with Fantasies
There is an old chassidishe story about a bal teshuvah who
asked his Rebbe about dealing with inappropriate
thoughts (particularly regarding distractions during
davening). He told him to go to such-and-such a
yid's house that night. The chosid traveled there
immediately, got there kind of late at night,
knocked on the door, and was ignored. He looked
around the house and saw a yid in there! He knocked
again and banged a few times....nothing.
Nu. So he sat there and fell asleep for the night. In the
morning, the door opens wide and a smiling yid
welcomes him into his home, sits him down and gives
him something to drink.
The guest asks,
"what's up with last night"?! and he is told
something like this:
"I am the ba'al habos
here. It's my home, nobody else's. I decide who I
let in and who I don't. Just because you or anybody
knocks on the door, does not mean I need to open the
door or even check who it is. I don't have
to, right?"
Can you hear this?
It's not a mussar lesson to me, nor philosophy. It's
just a fact.
One caveat: I, an addict, use this method every day now. But
before recovery it was completely impossible for me
to even relate to it. It was basically just another
silly (but attractive) sounding idea for me to feel
guilty about failing at. In recovery, I learned what
I can tolerate and what I cannot tolerate; that I am
a precious person who doesn't deserve to suffer with
lust thoughts. It took me a long time to accept that
I just deserved better. They are just
torture, nothing more.
So now I let go of
them and Hashem helps dispose of them. I openly and
calmly talk to Him about them as humbly as
I can; I call any guy who understands my illness and
tell him about it in a clear but safe way; and I
share about it at recovery meetings.
One day at a time,
with Hashem's assistance, I'm as free as I want to
be. |
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Don't Miss Today's
Call with Dr. Fish!
We will be having a free conference call with Rabbi
Dr. Naftali Fish of Yerushalayim (see
www.nachatruach.com website)
on
Elya's phone group TODAY, February 7, at 12 noon
Central Time, 1 p.m. Eastern Time in the US. (That's
8 p.m. in Israel).
Everyone is invited. This is a unique opportunity!
Rabbi Fish will speak about his
Nachat Ruach program - the link between the 12
steps and Torah. He will show
how the two are complimentary and will give us
actual meditation techniques and strategies that we
can use to incorporate his ideas into our recovery
process. He will show us how we should not just say
"I'm an addict" (although it may be true), but
also a precious child of Hashem - and believe it, so we can grow spiritually.
Torah based meditation and hypnosis can help heal
the "inner wounded child" and have a positive
influence on the unconscious mind, which is often
the root of addictions.
Find out how the
12 steps work within a Torah Framework - from
the creator of this revolutionary system.
The phone number for the free conference call is
1-712-429-0690. The PIN is 225356 (as indicated on
Elya's Group's Page
here).
He will take questions at the end. (Elya K will
moderate).
Thank you Elya - for arranging this, and thank you
R/Dr. Fish, for agreeing! |
|
|
704. |
Monday ~ 24 Shvat, 5770 ~ February 8, 2010 |
|
In Today's Issue
-
Therapy Tips:
The Call with Dr. Naftali Fish
-
Personal Victory:
"The last fall was not really part of me"
-
Practical Tip of the Day:
A Filter for I-Phones
-
Daily Dose of Dov 1:
"It's time I stopped playing House"
-
Daily Dose of Dov 2:
Taking the Actions of Love
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Therapy Tips
The Call With Therapist Rabbi/Dr. Fish
We had about 16 guys on conference
call with Rabbi Dr. Naftali Fish of Yerushalayim
(see
www.nachatruach.com website)
on
Elya's phone group this past Sunday (see
our
Israeli Therapist Page for more about him). It
was a good crowd and a lot of good questions were
discussed. There was a meditation at the end.
For those who couldn't make it, a recording of the
call can be downloaded at
this link
(There are some minor interruptions in the
recording, but I think basically everything was
recorded).
Here is a short recap of the call, as written up by
Elya who moderated the call:
The "Nachat
Ruach program" is an adjunct to the 12
steps programs developed by Dr. Naftali Fish.
Nachat Ruach, which means Serenity, is a result of
the self esteem we develop as children by the age of
5 or 6. By this age, the model of how we
function has been "programmed" within us.
The majority of addicts have a wounded inner child
(this is backed up by solid APA research). The inner
child was emotionally abused or experienced some
trauma, even slight trauma, which has caused shame
and a sense of failure. This exhibits itself in a
feeling of not being loved, and it feels like a
"hole" in the person's soul. Addiction
attempts to fill this hole.
We, as Yidden, have a divine soul. Our essence is
always healthy. The way out of addiction is to tap
into this divine soul, which is our inner child -
pure and uninjured.
Addiction and the 12 steps teaches us HOW to get out
of our addiction... The TORAH teaches us WHY we
should get out of our addiction and cling to this
Divine Soul. The 12-Steps speak of a higher power.
The Torah teaches us about the higher purpose
that this higher power has for us.
Dr. Fish explained his process as complementing the
12 steps, and involving meditation and
hypnosis. During this relaxed state, clients
meditate on words from Tehillim such as, "Tamu U're'u Ki Tov Hashem
-
Taste and see that G-d is good" and "Serve Hashem with Simcha",
which is achieved through Dveykus (attachment) to
Hashem. Our mission is to channel our passions to
love Hashem.
Thank you Elya - for arranging this call, and thank you
R/Dr. Fish, for agreeing! |
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Personal Victory
"The
last fall was not really part of me"
By "Ovadia"
Today is about a month since my last fall, but over
two months since I began counting.
I think that I can honestly say now, four weeks after the last
fall, that even my fall was an exception to the
rule, and was not really part of me, like it
would have been before I started my
journey.
I feel that the fall
itself was part of the journey, and was ultimately
constructive and not destructive. The main lesson
from it was... yes, how to handle a fall. In
fact, I discovered an interesting paradox. It seems
that once I got the fear of falling out of my
system, only then was I able to relax and become the
new me. Like a child who is learning to ride a
bicycle. As long as he keeps on looking down,
concentrating on "not falling", he will continue to
fall. Only by focusing on his journey, will he learn
to keep his balance. |
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Practical Tip of the Day
A Filter For I-Phones
If you have an I-Phone and you need a filter, please see
this page for information (sent to us
by "aryehtahor").
"aryehtahor" writes:
In the final analysis, you can't "filter" your lust away.
Filters are there as a line of defense, but they are
no substitute for sincere Teshuva and battling the
Y"H. When I started trying to make this go away, I
put up filters and said "OK, that's all I have to
do" and it didn't help at all because I just broke
through everything. Now, I know I can get shmutz if
I try hard enough, but thanks to GYE, I feel
distanced enough from lust that I don't feel
compelled to do it (long may it last!). |
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Daily Dose of Dov
Dov is sober in SA for over 10 years. See his story
here.
Two
Great Posts from Dov on Marriage
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"It's time I stopped playing House"
Dov's brutal honesty with himself:
I had an amazing realization B"H this morning during my quiet
time, and I want to share it with you.
I am a husband and a
father, but in some ways do not always act like
either. I often come home late from work and miss
dinner, sometimes miss bedtime with the kids, and
also often "forget" to call my wife to communicate.
I slip and put my marriage too far behind my
recovery, or even behind time with my friends or
entertainments, hobbies.
While I'm much better in these things than before, it's still
an issue, especially if you ask my little lady.
It's becoming very
frustrating for me, so I gave it some quiet time to
think about it, and here is what I got:
Am I committed to
being a real husband and a real father, or,
am I committed to putting in just enough effort to
be perceived
as one by others? If I ignore my brain and
just look at the facts on the ground - my behavior as
a father and husband (not a moral 'report card',
mind you, just the
facts) I
see that I am in a rut. I occasionally keep enough
of the identifying behaviors going to maintain the
category (or ID) of "father" and "husband", but I
put no 'meat on the bones', as it were. I have not
really grown up yet. In some respects I am still a
bochur deeply committed to playing house.
And then feeling sorry for myself when the grown-up
perks ;-) don't
come my way....
Nu. It's time I grew up a bit.
While this may be no
shock to anyone, for some reason it is hitting me
hard, and I feel a new motivation today to grow up
and really live the
life I have chosen for myself. To accept it. To take
hold of it.
It will not all happen in a day, and guilt will probably kill
the whole d-mn thing, and I'll need help. But that
what (F)friends are for! (big F for Hashem, our very best Friend :-)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Taking the Actions of Love
Whenever I get grumpy and sad about my disappointments in
"shalom bayis", I whine, feel sorry for myself,
whine some more, eat some cheese with my whine, and
then get sick of it and finally slap myself out of
the trance only to discover that love is
all I can really give!
I can't do any more for my wife than love her.
And the program
taught me that the truest definition of love is not
a feeling, but an action.
Loving my wife means telling her that I love her and
will do anything I can for her, put her needs first
for me above those of anyone else's (including
GYE!), listening to her, being where I say I will be
for her and the kids when I say I'll
be there, letting go of my complaints about her, and
supporting her.
It doesn't mean
becoming the gadol hador, always being "right",
being more of the handsome, strong and silent type,
being romantic, nor does it mean "helping" her to
finally fulfill all my fantasies
and needs so that I'll finally
be happier with her... nope.(Ouch that hurt me.)
This "growing up" did not come easily to me. Maybe whoever is
reading this harbors some of these grandiose
expectations......"naw, not me!" I say: think
again. (What do you have to lose? More
disappointments?)
Though my gut told me
those things were exactly what
we needed me to do in order to make things work out
in the end, in the end it was complete hogwash.
The only stuff that matters is
the only stuff I can really do: Take the Actions
of Love. I do not have, and will never have,
power over how
my wife reacts to me. All I can
do is love her. All those years of hiding, lying
(for shalom bayis, of course! )
and manipulating her, were garbage.
And it is working out
1000 times better this way (don't tell anyone!).
Throwing the outcomes to Hashem (or at least just
not hanging onto them!!!) is the only way for me. |
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Battle
Communication
Call To Arms
By "Rage" (RATM)
We need all hands on deck... We're fighting
back and the revolution is growing. Instead of
watching men fall, one by one to the wayside, the
opposite is happening... Men are joining the ranks
of GYE and reversing the tide. They're telling the
lust machine that we will not conform. We
will not obey. We will regain our sanity. But we
need everyone, because the movement to push
everyone towards lust is GARGANTUAN. |
|
|
705. |
Tuesday ~ 25 Shvat, 5770 ~ February 9, 2010 |
|
In Today's Issue
-
Article Quote of the Day:
How to Deal with Destructive Emotions
-
Q & A of the Day:
"Might not our Nisyonos be a result of our bad
choices?"
-
Quote of the Day:
"I want to be a different person!"
-
Battle Communication: Knocking Down Walls
-
Daily Dose of Dov:
Free Time on My Hands
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Article Quote of the Day
From an article on Matzav.com
over here
In the Kabbalistic literature, our
faculties of cognition are commonly referred to as
"parents," while our faculties of emotions are
described as "children (4)." The significance of
this metaphor is vital: The relationship between the
mind and the heart, it suggests, must reflect a
healthy relationship between parents and children.
When your child begins to holler, you must
acknowledge his or her predicament, and examine the
cause for their outburst. Yet you cannot run to call
the ambulance based on the screams of a child alone
without examining it on your own first. A clear
distinction must be made between de-legitimizing
your child's tears, which is cruel, to allowing
these tears to dictate your home and life.
A similar relationship must exist between
the mind and the heart. Emotions, instincts, moods
and feelings are children. They are cute,
spontaneous, vibrant, immature and wild. Sometimes
they are on to something very real and serious,
other times they exaggerate or distort reality. We
ought not to de-legitimize, suppress or deny them.
We must be keenly aware of their existence within
us. Just like children, we must attempt to educate
and refine them. Yet we ought not to worship them
and allow them the exclusive right to define our
life. As voluble as emotions are, the moral sense of
right and wrong must be given precedence over "I do
not feel up to it."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
As Dov wrote on the forum today:
My sponsor used to say to me, "feelings are just:
feelings. Not reality at all. Just feelings, not the
way things are." (Oh, how I hated when he said
that! :-) |
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q & A
of the Day
"Might not our Nisyonos be a result of our bad
choices?"
"Rashkebehag" asked on the forum:
How can a person know what his job really is? If the
garbage collector had gotten a better education, he
might have become the King's minister, but he was
lazy and ended up being just a garbage collector.
How can he walk with his head held high? Might not
one's position in life (and one's nisyonos) be a
result of the bad choices he made??
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Imtrying" replies:
It is said over from many Tzadikim including the GR"A, that the
way a person can know what is his mission in life,
is by seeing what he struggles with the most. (Need
more be said??)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dov replies:
All I can believe (and remain sane at the same time), is that
the place I find myself right now is exactly the job Hashem has for me. The very best job, in fact.
Then as time goes on,
I need to trust that He'll schlep me off to wherever
He prefers me to be. K'heref ayin a king can
raise me from a garbage man to his personal
toothbrusher! Then to be his dentist, and then his
viceroy! Who knows?
Kal v'chomer with
HKB"H.
Hayad Hashem tikztor?
Just do what's in
from of you and stop thinking so d*** much. (I'm
talking to myself).
In response to someone who asked him whether he talks to
himself a lot :-) Dov replied:
Well, first Reb Tzvi-Meyer spoke this Yesod to me, then I
"heard" it, and ever since, I have been speaking it
to myself and others in order to remember it! :-)
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Quote
of the Day
By "SilentBattle"
I want to be a different person; the real me!
I
don't want to keep swerving to avoid obstacles, I
want to be on a different highway! |
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Battle
Communication
Knocking Down the Walls
"EsaEinai" writes:
I touched on this before, but I need to say it again
to reinforce it to myself. In the past I have made
it 30 days or more. But I can't say that I felt as
good about it as I feel now at just 20 days clean.
Why? Because it felt like a struggle that was
holding me down, and I didn't really feel like I was
myself - it felt like I was trying to
be someone else. But this is starting to change now.
I know that I have big challenges ahead, and I know
there will be days that seem harder than others. But
I am loosing that fear and the fear of falling
because I am starting to be myself. I feel
good now, not because I made it to 20 days, because
it's not really about the days, it's about knocking
down these walls I have built for myself and being
the true me and being real with Hashem. And
accepting His help is part of that. I think I am
seeing it this way because by trusting Hashem for
his help when I am weak, I am no longer beating
myself up about my flaws, which allows me to be "me"
and build myself up with - not just my strengths;
but far greater - with the Strength of Hakadosh
Baruch Hu! Am I just crazy?
Dov replies:
Yeah, yeah, you are crazy...but how does it feel so far? Not so
bad, huh? If this is "crazy", I'll take it! |
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Daily Dose of Dov
Dov is sober in SA for over 10 years. See his story
here.
Free Time on My Hands
Lest I get my hands into trouble, I need to be busy.
The more sober I get, the more I can tolerate "free time".
Earlier on, I couldn't really tolerate it very well,
so I made less free time for myself. I took time in
the woods and read up on what I saw there, made
calls to other program guys, journaled my feelings,
found a chavrusa, started becoming part of a shul
for a change, found a great book to read while in
the bathroom (there are awesome classic novels out
there and all kinds of safe things to read in bed
and at potty time!) and of course in my case, I got
active in SA with meetings. Soon I was not acting
out at all, lusting a whole lot less, and before I
knew it, real life crept up on me and bit me in the
behind, as it where. I was shocked to find that I
HAD A LIFE! I never would have dreamed of anything such as a "real life"
without the ubiquitous lust/porn/fantasy/chasing
thing filling the background.
But here I am.
I'd rather die than
go back to the old blind and numb life I had, and I
mean it. |
|
|
706. |
Wednesday ~ 26 Shvat, 5770 ~ February 10, 2010 |
|
In Today's Issue
-
Article Quote of the Day:
A Little Light Can Banish a Lot of Darkness
-
Announcement:
GuardYourEyes is mentioned in this week's
Mishpacha!
-
Practical Tip of the Day > Filters:
Keylogger Software
-
Quote of the Day:
No Koach?
-
Attitude Tip of the Day:
But it's So Accessible!
-
Daily Dose of Dov:
Snowed Under?
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Article Quote of the Day
From a great
an article on Vosizneias.com by Rabbi/Dr.
Abraham Twerski.
One day I attended a meeting of recovering
alcoholics. The speaker was a young woman of
thirty-five. She had started drinking at twelve and
drugging at fifteen. This led to delinquent,
decadent behavior. In spite of suffering the
consequences of living on the street, she was a
slave to her drug addiction.
At twenty-six she found her way into Alcoholics
Anonymous and, and at the present was nine years
clean and sober. I had heard similar stories
countless times, and this one did little for me. But
I have never been to a meeting that I didn't take
away something of help. What I took away from this
meeting has served me well, because toward the end
of her talk, the woman said, "I must tell you
something else before I finish.
"I am a football fan, a rabid Jets fan. I'll never
miss watching a Jets game. One weekend I had to be
away, so I asked a friend to record the game on her
VCR. When I returned, she handed me the tape and
said, 'By the way, the Jets won.'
"I started watching the tape, and it was just
horrible! The Jets were being mauled. At half-time
they were behind by twenty points. Under other
circumstances, I would have been a nervous wreck. I
would have been pacing the floor and hitting the
refrigerator. But I was perfectly calm, because I
knew they were going to win.
"Ever since I turned my life over to God, I no
longer get uptight when things don't go my way. I
may be twenty points behind at half-time, but I know
it's going to turn out o.k. in the end." This woman
may not have qualified as a tzaddik, and I envied
her emunah.
Click here for the rest of this great article! |
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Announcement
The GuardYourEyes Network is "mentioned" in this
week's Mishpacha Magazine, 26 Shvat 5770, in an
article about Dr. Phillip Rosenthal.
Make sure to buy a copy!
The Mishpacha has been very reluctant to mention our
work in the past, ostensibly - lest it bring those
who do not suffer from this problem to visit our
websites out of curiosity and perhaps read things
there that might cause them "hirhurim".
Perhaps this "mention" is a sign of the first cracks
appearing in the "culture of denial" that exists in
our communities in regard to these issues. (See the
file called 'The
GYE Lighthouse' for more on the "Culture of
Denial")
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Practical
Tip of the day > Internet Filters
KeyLogger Software
A quote from the Mishpacha Article (on Dr. Phillip
Rosenthal):
Install a keylogger (like
eBlaster). This invisible program lurks
unseen on your computer, sending reports of every
keystroke, including passwords, to an e-mail of your
choice for your review. "Your kids can't defeat it -
they don't know it's there," says Rosenthal.
We asked Dr. Phillip Rosenthal:
"Can eBlaster be used by someone if he wants to
protect himself, or is it only for parents to
use to monitor their kids?"
Dr. Rosenthal replied:
Yes, eBlaster is great for self-protection too,
because it sends the reports to any two (at least)
email addresses that you want. Also, if you have
someone else input the password on the install, then
there is ABSOLUTELY no way to disable it.
Then Phillip shared with us a tip - special for GYE
readers! :-)
BTW, eBlaster costs $100 but tell your people that
they call them at 888-598-2788 and give the code
1926, and they will receive a $20 discount.
Important Notes:
1)
A Keylogger program should be installed on TOP
of a good filter like K9. See
this page for more info on K9, and on how to
install it safely and reliably.
2)
Contact our filter Gabai at
filter.gye@gmail.com to have him hold the
password for you, both for eBlaster AND for
K9. If you ever need changes or adjustments on your
filter/Keylogger, he can do it remotely for
you using special remote-accessing software. Yes
it is finally possible to feel really FREE! |
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Quote
of the Day
By "BeHoly"
No
Koach? You don't need Koach; Hashem's got the Koach.
You only need Hashem. |
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Attitude Tip of the Day
But It's So Accessible!!
Sometimes it just seems so hard to resist. After all, it's so
easy to access the pleasures. They just seem to be
everywhere! And we ask ourselves, "how can Hashem expect
us to hold back when it's so easy to get it all?"
There are two things we can tell ourselves when these kind of
thoughts strike.
1)
When we pass some delicious looking pork chops or
cold-cuts in the super-market isles, it's also very
accessible to us. No one sees, we can pay for it and
just gobble it up in no time. So why do we not feel
such a strong pull? The answer is, because in our
minds, it's just not "Shayach" to us at all!
We have been raised to know that non-Kosher food is
completely out of our pleasure experience spectrum,
so we don't even think twice about it!...
We need to use that same frame-of-mind when the urge for
illicit sexual pleasures strikes us as well, whether
it means turning away from looking/following that
pretty girl, or holding back from looking at Shmutz
on the computer. We have to tell ourselves that it
is completely not Shayach to our P.E.S
(pleasure experience spectrum) - in the same way
that pork is not Shayach!
2)
If we would be standing on the edge of a roof, would
we think to ourselves, "hey, the ability to jump off
is so "accessible" to me, it's so easy - how can I
hold back"? Of-course not! We'd back away from the
edge and be careful, 'cuz no one wants to harm
themselves!
Well, we need to develop this same frame-of-mind for the shmutz
as well. As tempting and "accessible" as it may seem
to be, will we jump off the roof??
As "Penitent" wrote on the forum recently:
I used to get thoughts while I was driving, "what would it be
like to swerve my car into a truck?" Rav Avigdor
Miller himself said, "Did you ever get the urge to
kill yourself? That's the Yetzer Hara entering your
mind". Same thing over here. I just felt myself
slipping 10 minutes ago, had to stop, came onto the
GYE forum, started writing (which is tiring and time
consuming) and B'H , I feel better already. When the
urge hits, just don't sit idle and move on! |
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Daily Dose of Dov
Dov is sober in SA for over 10 years. See his story
here.
SNOWED UNDER
Someone wrote to Dov:
Today I had a rather rough day... I attended a Sheva
Brochos where Men and women sat separately, but
there was no mechitza and it was a small room so we
weren't very far from each other. It was Yeshivish
and all were dressed properly... but as you know,
that doesn't stop an addict's mind...
Dov Responds:
Dear chaver! No need to explain at all. Why, just
today I woke up feeling horrible.
Just plain horrible. Achy from snow-shoveling, late,
sleepy, feeling unsatisfied with everything and
grateful for nothing... you know. Rare for me for
some time now, but - there I was. The only things
that pulled me out of it was (believe it or not)
Shacharis... even though it was kinda horrible, too.
Weak, weak, weak. And at home alone yet.... but
still Shacharis! And a call from a sexaholic
friend in Texas. We talked a while and that lifted
me from the postmortem fog into being entirely
willing to live real life. No angels or
horns, just calm, OK, "real life" as me.
Mazel tov to the chosson and kallah. Yeah, the
presence of women is definitely a frequent
challenge, but hey - they're here!
Well, it gets easier after the habit of
scanning a room for the most attractive female in
it, is broken a bit; and davening for the women in
the room helps alter my relationship with them
"nearer" to reality; and being willing to make a
call once in a while during a break in the sheva
brochos/wedding/class/shopping activity to another
person who understands - and just share the facts...
getting the 'light on' makes the mold wither. All
these help.
But the real answer is having a relationship
with Hashem and letting it fill me so that there is
no room for anything else - everything else is
filtered through those glasses. It may not be truly
achievable, but we definitely grow in that
direction. And I do not have to be a tzaddik.... As
the Pasuk says "Habotea'ch Ba'Hashem, Chesed Yisovivenu
-
He who trusts in Hashem, kindness will surround him"... And Chazal say, "afilu
rosho u'boteyach baHaShem, chesed yisovevenhu-
even if he is a Rasha but he trusts in Hashem,
kindness will surround him". |
|
|
707. |
Thursday ~ 27 Shvat, 5770 ~ February 11, 2010 |
|
In Today's Issue
-
Attitude Tip of the Day:
Dis-abled or Abled?
-
Practical Tip of the Day:
Google "Buzz"
-
Testimonial/Tip of the Day:
Patrolling the Perimeters of My Thinking
-
Personal Victory of the Day:
Pre-Empting the Yetzer Hara
-
Link of the Day:
The Countdown to Moshiach
-
Daily Dose of Dov:
Torah Thoughts on "Letting Go of Self-Will"
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Attitude Tip of the Day
Dis-abled OR Abled?
Yes it's true. A lust addict has a disability. His
mind has been warped to objectify people. He suffers
from neediness and vulnerability, and is sometimes
prone to depression. He is also limited the range of
his activities if he wants to stay
sober. He can't just "lust a little" and stay safe
like everyone else. He has difficulties at family
Simchos and outings, even when just taking his kids
to the Zoo. He can't browse the internet without
filters. He can't use YouTube or FaceBook, it's just
too dangerous. And he can't watch today's movies, no
matter how much his friends are all talking about
them. Some people might call this "disabled"... But
let's stop and think for a second.
Does this addict still have eyes?
Well
this guy doesn't.
Click the link and watch the clip from Aish.com. We
can all learn from Patrick the power to "see" the
good in everything (as he says "I don't have
disabilities, I have abilities"). And we can all
learn from him the power to reach our full potential
with whatever tools we WERE given,
instead of focusing on what we CAN'T
do.
And if we learn to use what we DO have
to the best of our ability, we might be surprised
one day to look back and see that what we thought we
were "disabled" with, has turned out to be our
greatest blessing. |
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Practical Tip of the Day
Google "Buzz"
The Satan keeps getting his hands into new places!
Until yesterday, Google's Gmail was the safest free e-mail
service for addicts, since there were no ads like in
Yahoo or Hotmail. However, Google introduced a new
social network feature yesterday, which they call
"Buzz". This feature is similar to Facebook, which
we all know is very dangerous for addicts.
If you have a Gmail account, you'll find a "Buzz" link right
under where it says "Inbox". We highly suggest
everyone turn off their "Buzz" feature. It is simple
to do. Just scroll to the bottom of the page (when
logged in) and press "turn off Buzz" at the very
bottom. (See
this screen shot).
See also
here for other information as well, on how to
disable Buzz.
And see
this thread on the forum, which talks more about
this issue and what to do about it. |
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Testimonial/Tip of the Day
"Help me patrol the perimeters of my thinking"
D.S. writes:
Since discovering this site--a lifesaver if you want
to be saved--I read the daily e-mails and the
inspirational stories and I am often moved.
Recently, I davened for help to "patrol the
perimeters of my thinking". Since that moment, this
phrase has stuck in my mind, where it should be. I
feel this simple formula helping incredibly: several
times it has kicked in pretty much automatically,
just the word "patrol"--(as an imperative! in the
grammatical sense)--on the street, it has completely
stopped whatever was unwanted in its tracks, and
almost instantly dissolved it. It's a formula I've
long been praying for.
(Other ideas, such as making the thought a korban
etc, work too, but this is instant and complete...
so far.)
Your work is a real kiddush Hashem. Yasher koach. |
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Personal Victory of the Day
Pre-Empting the Yetzer Hara
"Eye.nonymous" posted on day 102 clean:
I just had an internet slip. I was looking up
something totally safe - on a site which was
supposed to be perfectly safe, and I came across
some really weird indecent drawings. It was so weird
that I had trouble overcoming the curiosity. BUT, I
did leave the page fairly quickly--without scrolling
for more drawings. The thought entered my mind,
"Hey, imagine what you'll find if you do a full web
search," which I quickly rejected.
I wanted to post, because the accountability for
these things helped me to overcome it in the past.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
We responded:
Dear Eye.nonymous,
This is so precious... It is small things like this
that distinguish the successes from the failures.
This may sound small, but we all know that turning
away after getting a "taste", especially when caught
off guard, takes some real messiras nefesh.
Eye, you are shaking the upper worlds!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The next day he wrote:
So my slip yesterday on the internet was on a site that I
previously thought was harmless, and I use it all
the time for
actual work purposes (not even pseudo-work).
I didn't think to do
anything about it at first, because this was such a
weird slip. But I can feel the yeitzer tugging at
me to slip again. I realize it's negligent not to
take action.
So my wife and I just
modified the K9 settings--and now it's ENTIRELY
BLOCKED. If I ever need this site I'm going to have
to bug my wife to sit here with me while I use it.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
We responded:
WOW. This is the attitude of success in this battle. Whenever
we find a loop-hole or feel the Yetzer hara bringing
us a new idea, we need to
pre-empt him and put up new safe-guards!! Kol
Hakavod! |
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Link of the Day
The Countdown to Moshiach
The night is always the darkest before the light.
Those who struggle with these issues are Hashem's
front-line soldiers in today's generation, fighting
against all odds. If Moshiach would come today,
would you be ready? |
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Daily Dose of Dov
Dov is sober in SA for over 10 years. See his story
here.
Dov discusses some Torah thoughts on:
"Letting Go of SELF WILL"
The pivotal recovery point for me in the
outside/giving-centeredness called for in AA (as
opposed to self-centeredness), is that I slowly get
used to living in accordance with the Will of my
Higher Power rather that my will.
To me, Orthodoxy and Halacha are great tools for
this - sounds like "asei retzono kirtzonecha
- make His will like your will"...
It's basically all about the surrender of our
greatest enemy in addiction: self-directed will - in
the will especially -
and less to do with the type of behavior itself. In
some respect, we confuse ourselves with G-d,
exemplified by the manipulation of others and our
environment, self-pleasuring, and our typically
hidden (but gargantuan) pride and fear. By the same
token, the relevant/most
important factor in my hiring of a
sponsor is that he is not
me. My sponsor taught me this based on the "12&12"
(mainly spelled out in it's chapter on the 3rd and
4th steps) and I see the attitude in "AA" as
well, over and over in the member stories (in the
back of the
Big Book).
A few Torah thoughts on this:
1)
Why does Hashem give us
lo sa-asei's? Shouldn't asei's be good enough? It's
about the Solution, right? Not the Problem, for
sure! To make matters worse, the first and only
mitzvoh given to Adam and his wife was - a
lo sa'asei! What the heck?!
It seems to me that negation of our will
(the idea of a lo sa'asei, to me) is the
ikkar of what Hashem wants, and all He
really 'needed' from us to get the job done... It plants the
seed for all good - His good. He would have made it
all peachy for us humans (or whatever we really
looked like back then) and we would have grown into
whatever G-d-connected beings we "should" have
become, it seems. And Shabbos is still mainly about
shmirah (not doing, rather than
doing)....hmmm...just an idea. Go with it wherever
you like...
2)
I firmly believe that the program ends where
religion begins. Unfortunately, our recovery might
end there, as well. That's why I stay in the program
and try not to confuse the two. One makes me a man,
the other makes me a Jew. Both a man and a Jew are
servants of Hashem, whether they realize it or not.
He has the right plan for me, in every respect. This
idea does not make any sense to some people, and
even upsets them, but nu, what can I do? I may not
understand it, either! :)
3)
"Hachno'oh".
That is the Torah-word for exactly what the program
talks about. I believe my program is about hachno'oh
for hachno'oh's sake - while the Torah puts it
somewhere and directs it.
But no matter how you slice it, the ikkar (by far)
for an addict is the hachno'oh. If he's got that, the
odds are in his favor, for a change. And whenever it
appears in davening (sfard elokai n'tzor, for
example), I latch onto it as the ikkar of that
entire piece, cuz I feel that it is
what I need
most. (Kind of like how refa'einu takes on 'new
meaning' for someone who's got a disease, r"l). |
|
|
708. |
Friday ~ 28 Shvat, 5770 ~ February 12, 2010
Erev Shabbos Parshas Mishpatim |
|
In Today's Issue
-
Parsha Talk- Mishpatim:
Do you really want to be free?
-
Quotes of the Day:
Two Great Posts By "Bardichev"
-
Personal Victory of the Day:
A GEVALDIG Hug
-
Link of the Day:
For Men Only
-
Daily Dose of Dov:
When do we finally get 'healed' and let
go of Self-Will?"
-
Practical Tip of the Day:
Google "Buzz" (Part 2)
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Parsha
Talk: Mishpatim
Do you really want to be Free?
"PowerOfNow", a new member on our forum, wrote:
I was reading on Aish.com an article about the parsha Mishpatim,
and some words moved me.
"God instructs every Jew that if he has a Jewish slave working
for him, then after six years he is to be set free.
On the surface, it seems like when the seventh year
arrives the slave would eagerly, happily, and
enthusiastically run from his master's house into
his new found freedom. But this just isn't how a
slave feels. The reason for this is that the
longer a person is under the "rule" of someone or
something else, the less belief he has that he can
actually make it on his own..... And although the
enslavement is hard, frustrating, and painful, we
don't leave because we doubt our ability to make it
in un-chartered waters."
I could really relate to that. |
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Quotes
of the Day:
Two Great Posts from "Bardichev"
Triggers
If you see something and feel triggered,
Realize it's a TRIGGER TO A LOADED GUN.
The gun is cocked -
And guess who is
staring into the barrel?
YOU!!!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Snow Bank
A HUGE LESSON I LEARNED WHEN MY TRUCK GOT STUCK IN A SNOW BANK
/ MUD SITUATION.
IF YOU TRY IT ON YOUR OWN, YOU MAY JUST GET STUCK DEEPER
AND DEEPER.
SO I CALLED A TOW TRUCK.
LESSON:
IF YOU FEEL 'STUCK'
DON'T TRY TO WHITE-KNUCKLE IT ALONE.
IT WILL GET YOU NOWHERE.
CALL A FRIEND / TOW TRUCK!
GEVALDIGGG! |
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Personal Victory of the Day
A GEVALDIG HUG
A member of our forum recently wrote me the following story of
an amazing HUG from Hashem!
A couple weeks ago I flew in from California to NY for a
wedding. It was difficult for me because I didn't
really know anyone, and I had a really empty feeling
in my stomach; you know, that feeling that I am
"missing something" that leads to bad things. So I
called a friend from the forum by phone. I was
standing outside the wedding hall, pacing up and
down the street, talking to him on the phone about
all sorts of things. He started talking to me about
"Bardichev" (from the forum) and told me that he had
spoken with him on the phone, and that he was really
a serious guy with good ideas and whatnot. I
realized that I had been standing still while he
talked to me about Bardichev. Then I glanced at the
license plate of the car that I had been standing
right next to while we discussed Bardichev. It read:
GVALDIG. I almost fainted... (GEVALDIG is
Bardichev's Trade Mark comment!). I took
a picture of the plate with my cell phone,
finished my conversation, and went back into the
hall. Once I was back in the hall, I looked at the
picture on my phone (which I've attached to this
email; I'm not making this stuff up) and I noticed
that the State on the plate was not NY or NJ, as you
might expect (considering that I was in Flatbush).
It was... CALIFORNIA... where I had just flown in
from that morning (3000 miles away)!
A personal GEVALDIG HUG from Hashem!
Crazy story, no? |
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Link of the Day
For Men Only
Keys to a Happy Home |
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Daily
Dose of Dov
Dov is sober in SA for over 10 years. See his story
here.
When do we finally get 'healed' and let go of
Self-Will?
In my case, I can't really do the jumping for joy
till I am basically dead, I guess, but as a friend
once told me, "any addict who is sober should get up
and dance every day at least once!" So, I often do -
but just for the privilege,
not with any expectations for my future
(as if to imply that "whew! I've made
it!") as far as lust or sanity is concerned. But
yes, as far as life in general is concerned, I
definitely expect to hang onto the acceptance that
everything will be 'OK' in the end, no matter what,
'cuz Hashem's in
charge.
In a practical sense, I buy the line from AA-ers
that we (most likely) can/will never let go of our
own will completely;
that we will always be walking up these stairs.
It seems to me that during certain times I did/do really
let go of my will completely, but there were times
like that before sobriety
too, like during a really good davening, in the
middle of a nice niggun on a yomtov, or right
after acting out (really - you may know what I
mean)... and I soon took my will right back.
So maybe the 'surrender' back then was not actually
surrender at all, but just getting in touch with
what's inside me: a real live desire to be
totally attached and basically botul (nullified) to
Hashem. In other words, it was a 'feeling' of
surrender, without the surrender itself, at all.
Presumably we all possess that. But it was
like Shabbos vs the week - it just can't last.
(As the Pasuk says "Va'yinafash - and Chazal explain
it to mean on Motzai Shabbos - "Vai ovdoh nefesh -
Woe that I have lost my [extra] soul!").
So for me it seems to be like the 3rd step says: "We
made a decision to turn our will and our
lives over to the care of...", decided perhaps,but
the doing is just starting. It never really ends,
and that's OK. In fact, it beats the living
daylights out of the way I lived before imperfectly
being machniyah (subjugated) to the Ribono shel Olam!
If it is hard for me to accept imperfection, my
choice remains: I could always just go back to the
way it was before! Heck No, this imperfection
is like "perfection"
compared to the way life was before!! And that
realization took a couple of years to
dawn on me.
The real faith has been (and will hopefully continue to be) a
slow development, in my case, borne out of many
little pieces of what feels like mesiras nefesh
at the time ("this is gonna kill me,
it's crazy, I'm gonna die if
I don't follow that lady over to the next isle
in the supermarket a few more times!", or "it's not
that I really think the road belongs to me really, it's
just that that guy who sped by me is a jerk... a
real jerk!", and "What?! You mean I can't
get the internet without a filter?! I've been sober for 785 freaking years!"). The acceptance is
there to continue to be open to letting go of
self-will, but my e.g.o. (edging G-d out) is still there... Hopefully it's slowly leaking out of me,
b"H.
'nuff said. |
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Practical Tip of the Day
Google "Buzz"
(Part 2)
Yesterday we discussed the dangers of the new Google
feature "Buzz" and showed how to turn it off.
Unfortunately though, turning it off only turns it
off for you. Your profile is still viewable
to others.
Someone sent us the following e-mail:
Please let everyone know that they should edit their
Google profiles so that it doesn't display their
followers. Especially the ones using their different
email accounts. I just checked it out and realized
that all my friends were able to see that I follow
Guard, 7Up and others that I emailed from that Gmail
account. We can all lose our anonymity in a second.
Please post this as soon as possible. People may not
realize and it can be too late.
Thanks.
Buzz basically uses the Facebook concept, that if you can see
one person's profile - you can see the profile of
all his friends. Once you see their profiles, you
can see the profiles of their friends, etc..
Many people have
their real names in their profiles. All it takes is
to connect to one GYE profile, and this can be
potentially revealing of another GYE member (who
hasn't yet protected his identity on Buzz).
Since Google has introduced Buzz and automatically
set you up to "follow" people on your chat list, in
ensuring your privacy as well the privacy of others,
you are asked to please "un-follow" anyone
who's account is associated with their real name.
If you've already turned it off, temporarily turn
Buzz back on, click on your name to go to your
profile page, and on the profile page, click the
option to hide those following you. Then, manually,
un-follow all accounts you're presently following.
If you need more help in doing this, please contact tomim2b@gmail.com who
has offered to help people with this.
If your real name is associated with your Buzz account and you
need help changing that too, please contact the
email address above for assistance. |
|
|
709. |
Sunday ~ 30 Shvat, 5770 ~ February 14, 2010
Rosh Chodesh Adar |
|
In Today's Issue
-
Two Announcements:
Duvid Chaim's Group / New Flyer for Women
-
Battle Communication: Some good quotes from "Briut"
-
Q & A of the Day:
Watching a Movie for Shalom Bayit?
-
Daily Dose of Dov:
"Live to Give"
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Two Announcements
(1) Duvid Chaim's Group Restarting!
Duvid Chaim's phone conference will IY"H be starting
a new cycle of the "Big-Book" study group on
Wednesday, Feb 24! See
this page for more info on the group. This is a
unique opportunity to learn the secrets of the
12-Steps anonymously - in your own home or office,
with an experienced SA sponsor!
(2) A Great New
Flyer Geared To Women
There will be a gathering on Wenesday in Jerusalem
for religious women who use the internet for
business or personal reasons. One of the speakers
there will be Rabbi Berkowitz who leads the
Jerusalem Kollel and is a well known Halachic
authority and Kiruv force in the English speaking
community in Israel. I asked him if we can put
flyers about our work at the event. He agreed, so I
designed a special flyer geared towards religious
women who have internet at home. It contains some
sharp warnings about "if your husband or teenager
lock themselves into their room/office". When I sent
it to Rabbi Berkowitz and asked him if he approved
the strong wording of the flyer, he responded:
"Very powerful! I definitely approve".
Download the flyer here
Print out the flyer and make photocopies. Give
them to your wife to put out or hang up - at
women's gatherings, shiurim and local events in your
city. You could be saving many families,
marriages and lives! |
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Battle
Communication
La-Briut!
A new warrior joined us on the forum this past month. He
calls himself "Briut" and he's very inspiring. He is
quickly becoming a powerful force for good on our
site. I would like to bring a few posts of his, in
honor of his (approx) 30 days clean with us:
In response to Friday's link about "The Garden of Peace" by
Rav Shalom Arush, "Briut" wrote:
This book has changed my life. It changed my marriage and
changed my attitude toward others. All for the
better.
I think this stuff is crazy and magical. I want to
take it to the next level. I'd like to find a
chabura for going through some of these lessons
and sharing the results. (Some folks from
this forum would be nice.) If not a group
chabura, then maybe a 1:1 chavrusa. Anyone
interested in trying this with me? Whether PMs on
this site or e-mails on the side? RSVP. (If you
want to join 'briut', send me an e-mail at
eyes.guard@gmail.com)
'Briut' writes:
I read something on this Forum that hit me hard. Someone said
to another newbie something like, "wouldn't you like
to spend the rest of your life LIVING as a mentsch,
rather than as a pretender who's walking around with
a dirty little secret?"
I'm afraid there's only one answer to that question. (The only
question is how to get there?)
Two tips from Briut in this struggle:
1) Pull in kedusha, don't push out sin.
The goal to "banish sin" might be a set-up: better
to fill its place with enough good that sin has no
more home. Fighting 'evil' alone just exhausts me
while energizing sin into some 500 pound gorilla.
Better to simply turn to good. (Besides, say "I
won't think about elephants" for 20 days, and what
will you think about?!)
2) Imperfection is just perfect.
This insight dissolves my fears: I'm not obligated
to have a perfect plan, or to do it all, or
perfectly, or forever, or sweat. Perfectionism and
self-flagellation are not Jewish values. He only
wants us growing in the right direction "One day at
a time." |
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q &
A of the Day
Watching a Movie For Shalom Bayit?
Question:
I can't believe I keep falling for the Y"H's tricks.
A couple of days ago
my wife insisted we see a movie. No nudity, but of
course it had an attractive actress. Of
course I couldn't get her out of my head. And
that was a slippery
slope downwards for me.
Yes, my wife knows
about my struggles, but she really, really wanted to
watch a movie with me.
Also, I'm pretty sure
she doesn't know that dressed women can trigger me.
I really don't want to disappoint her by telling her
that even dressed women who are attractive are
atrigger for me.
Until I have more
will power to watch a movie and not take it further
the next day, I guess I should just explain to her
that I can't watch any more movies, right? I don't
know. What about our shalom bayit - if she really,
really wants to watch a movie and says "there's no
nudity in it, so it's OK"?
We Replied:
It's tough being an addict, but hey, if we're allergic to
peanuts, we just gotta avoid those peanuts.
If your wife wants to
watch a movie, have her go through it slowly first
(by moving the play-bar slowly over each minute or
so) and checking if there are any women in it that
have tight clothing or skirts above the knees - and
to make sure that there are no "love" scenes. In
most cases, she will not be able to confirm this,
and you'll be able to get out of it by claiming that
these things are triggers for you. I believe she'll
respect you for your integrity. After all, even a
non-addict has to "guard his eyes" according to
Halacha, and looking at attractive women for an hour
straight is not exactly shmiras ainayim, is
it? This is plain and simple Halacha, which applies
even when the women are fully dressed. I'm sure she
can respect Halacha, no?
Also, have her read
this cute article by Tzvi Fishman (Arutz Sheva
Blogger).
~ See the "Daily Dose of Dov" below for Dov's reply to this
question ~ |
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Daily
Dose of Dov
Dov is sober in SA for over 10 years. See his story
here.
"Live To Give"
Dov Responds to the question above about watching a
movie:
Funny! A close friend of mine in the program called me last
night and asked about the very same thing - his wife
wanted to watch a movie with him, too!
The last thing you
want to do (though it's better than nothing!) is to
just point out to her how clueless she is. It is
better for both of us if I take a minute to remind
my wife how much I love her and how I see
being honest with her as the best way to stay
extra-close. (She appreciates closeness).
I let her know that I
just have limitations. Not because I am better than
other folks, or because I am frummer or trying to
live at a higher standard than others. Rather, it is
because I am sick. I am oversensitive - actually
allergic - to frivolous lust-peddling. (Not to be
being intimate with her though, cuz that's real.)
Loving her, loving
yourself, even loving Hashem - anyone can sympathize
with that!
We try to explain Dov's last line:
What I think Dov means to say, is that she can surely
sympathize with a guy who loves Hashem and loves her
(and loves himself enough to not want to put up
walls between himself and her/Hashem)...
So if you say it over in the RIGHT WAY, she
hopefully won't take it in the wrong way.
Dov responds:
Actually, I just meant: "live to give" as often as possible,
especially with your wife. It's not "how
you say it to her that I care about first, (though
it certainly is good practice to say things in a
loving way) ... but sometimes we don't need to say anything
at all. It's what motivates me that
matters the most in the relationship - the good will eventually
overtake it all, if I do my part. Importantly, that
does not mean
to look back on whether I did a good job at it, or
to assess my progress. Let's face it: I am selfish and probably hopelessly in love with 'me'. But I don't
care! Every time I remember that what I am doing -
usually something self-centered - is not working (as
evidenced by my unhappiness), I turn my thoughts to
how can I take the actions of love right then.
To heck with
assessing myself - that has nothing to do with
anything, especially in the first year or two of
recovery. I can be the most selfish and
self-absorbed person - and remain that
way.. even die that
way... it may even be on my tombstone... but I do
not care at
all. It's actually none of my business. The only
thing that I care about is what I am doing right
now. I am totally powerless over the past and
over the actual outcomes of the future. How can I
love my wife, my children, my Jewish people, and my
G-d right now? That is what matters, as far
as I am concerned. I need to snub my nose at pretty
much everything else, sometimes.
"Thinking"
(especially about myself) is usually poison, and
stupid. Not always, but usually. Especially in early
recovery. At least for me, and many other addicts I
know. |
|
|
710. |
Monday ~ 1 Adar, 5770 ~ February 15, 2010
Rosh Chodesh Adar |
|
In Today's Issue
-
Announcements:
Duvid Chaim's Group / Two Great Speeches
-
Quote of the Day:
The Allergy
-
Q & A of the Day:
"How do I prevent myself from becoming an
addict?"
-
Daily Dose of Dov:
Wishful Thinking
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Announcements
Duvid Chaim's Group Restarting!
Do you feel like you've tried your hardest to stop
the addiction? Have you been mostly successful
fighting off the urge and have even had periods of
sobriety - only to somehow slip and fall? Maybe
you're not sure that you even have an addiction -
but you'd like to find out.
Well, then it's time to try a new approach. Not
just any new approach. But an approach
that's been successful since 1939.
Are you concerned about privacy
and anonymity, but
you know that you would benefit by working
a 12 Step Program?
GuardYourEyes is proud to offer an In-depth B'Iyun 12
Step Big Book Study Lunch & Learn.
Led by Duvid Chaim, an experienced religious 12 Step
Program Sponsor, for those who are unable or
unwilling to make it to face to face meetings.
The Big Book Study Lunch & Learn (BBSL&L) uses the
traditional and proven format used by millions of 12
Step sponsors and sponsees who have, with G-d's
help, found recovery and freedom from their
addiction.
The BBSL&L is starting a new cycle IY"H on Wednesday
February 24, and will meet in a free conference call
- 4 days a week, Monday through Thursday at 12 Noon
(Eastern Standard Time).
The BBSL&L is a TEXT
STUDY Chabura; based on
the AA Big Book.
We will cover 2 to 3 pages from the Big Book each
day and WORK THE STEPS.
This program is a proven method of success!
The cycle takes between 3-4 months. This
is a Program for men who are willing to make a
serious commitment to finally find the freedom from
their addiction; as literally promised by the
Program.
To be added to Duvid Chaim's contact list for
updates on the group, or if you have any questions,
please contact
Duvid Chaim here.
Please be prepared with a 12 Step Big Book (you can
buy one at any major bookstore or ordering one from
Amazon.com
over here), (or
you can download a copy
from here).
You'll find more details about the BBL&LSG at
this link.
See also
this page for frequently asked questions
about Duvid Chaim's group.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Two Great Speeches.
On September 8, 2009 (20 Elul, 5769), the Baltimore community
had a Kinus Hisorarus (communal gathering) for men
on the topic of Tznius. The
Rosh Yeshiva, Rav Aharon Feldman, Shlita,
was the first speaker, and set the tone for the
entire evening. Although the Rosh Yeshiva did not
directly address pornography or the Internet, it's
not difficult to apply much of what he said to the
challenges we face.
Especially on point
is what the Rosh Yeshiva says near the end, about
how breaches in Tznius (men being attracted to other
women, and women trying to attract other men) have a
profound effect on our Shalom Bayis.
The Rosh Yeshiva's
speech is just under 20 minutes, and can be
downloaded here.
Rav Dovid Heber was
the final speaker at the Kinus Hisorarus. His topic
was the challenges of technology and immodesty, both
in and out of the workplace.
Rav Heber's 35-minute
speech includes sharply criticizing Facebook (and
other social networking services) early on
(3:00-4:50), as well as mentioning both GYE
(10:05-10:11) and Internet pornography addiction
(20:50-20:59). Rav Heber has strong words about how
many of us live double lives, and how contradictions
in how we live and what we expect from our children
can, c"v, have very negative effects on how they
turn out (20:17-29:41).
Rav Heber's speech is
around 35 minutes, and can be downloaded here.
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Quote of the Day
The Allergy
By "Sci1977":
I have been really thinking about the idea of how being an
addict is like being allergic (I have very bad
allergies.) I totally agree with that concept more
and more. If I am - let's say - allergic to
peanuts, I don't eat them out of knowing what is
going to happen if I do eat them. This addiction is
the same. I know that if I was to start to slip or
fall, it would be the same. It is a wonderful way to
describe it. |
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q &
A of the Day
"How do I prevent myself from becoming an addict?"
I see myself as a not-yet addict but extremely prone to become
one (I have all the causative factors that everyone
writes about). And I have already began a downward
trend, "acting out" twice recently for the first
time in my life. How does one prevent a potential
addict from becoming one?
Answer:
Dear Yid. One of the slogans of GYE is "Helping people hit
bottom while still on top". Please see Chizuk
e-mail #441 on this
page for
more on this vital concept (scroll down).
To get a feel for the
horrors that this addiction can lead to, see this
page for some stories from the point of
view of the "wives of addicts".
And please read also the horror stories
here and here.
Don't let yourself start sliding down the bottomless pit of
addiction. It only gets worse, never better, and it
can easily destroy your life in this world and the
next - if not nipped in the bud NOW. Hit bottom
while still on top! |
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Daily Dose of Dov
Dov is sober in SA for over 10 years. See his story
here.
Wishful Thinking
Someone who kept having repeated falls wrote on the forum:
Another fall... no time to feel sorry for myself.. I just got to
try harder.. maybe one day I'll get it.
Dov replies:
Hi. I have read through a good bit of your recent posts and see
that you are really struggling valiantly. The themes
that keep coming up are that you talk to Hashem,
love Him, want so much to depend on him, and expect
Him to actually help you stay clean. It is clear
that you are bothered by the things that you
sometimes choose to do.
The quote above sounds quite sad. I have said the same thing to
myself and to others many times in the past as well,
and I do believe
that you think you are truly sincere. You are honest,
admitting whenever you "fall". Of course, it is
relatively easy to be honest in a 'virtual' venue
like this - hurts the pride a bit, yes, but still
rather easy. No one sees you.
You seem to feel that
although you may be a failing, perhaps poor eved
Hashem, you are at least still definitely
an eved Hashem and assume that you will one
day get better! I relate completely to those
feelings.
Nevertheless, I have
no sympathy for you, even though I love you. Chazal teach
me not to have sympathy, it's not my idea...
Please allow me to explain why I feel this way about
you, and why I hope that sharing this with you may
actually be helpful:
I am an addict. I am
totally unable to stay clean. I use shmutz
and lust, as you do, and have "special interests",
as you do. Lust can easily take over my attention
and my mind because to me it is a drug - it
intoxicates me. With it, I can easily escape for a
while into a fantasy world and feel powerful and
free. I wake up shell-shocked, dirty and weak, of
course, but what other tools for coping with the
bothers of life do I possess? Not many, by nature,
even though I was (and still am) a frum yid who
learned Torah, davened, cared about, learned and
even taught mussar,
etc. A bit of a fake, no?
Nevertheless, I am
sober today for over twelve years. You can look up
my story on this site somewhere (see
here). How is this possible? Am I showing off?
Well, the answer is
in many of your posts too: it's all due to a
relationship with Hashem that recovery is helping me
achieve and maintain day by day, even though I'm
very imperfect. And at the same time, recovery helps
me get a clear view of me.
After all, it's hard to get and maintain a useful
relationship with a big liar or with a person you
can't really see. I was both. I need other people to
help me with these things. I need Hashem to
help me with them because the work was impossible.
But I don't get the
help just because I want it or ask for it. It
requires me to do something. This is "olam
ha'asiyah - the world of deeds". Period.
You do not seem to be
lacking in emunah. But so far, every time
someone posted a suggestion to you - a concrete
suggestion - you responded with sweet answers like
"Yes, I am putting my hope and trust in Hashem that
He will help me with this." Very nice. But is that
faith? Is faith about doing nothing but "trying
harder", as you mention above? Is that "trusting"?
Is trust something you have -
or is it something you do?
I think you are
describing neither trust, nor hope. I call what you
are doing, "wishing". Nothing more than wishing
real hard.
Faith - bitachon
- is what Hashem wants us to use to
gain the courage to
do what
is necessary to live as Yiddishe mentchen.
Promises and hopes
mean nothing to your wife and kids. They want you to be better.
I do not mean to insult you at all c"v. I am just
sharing with you what was shared with me. And Hashem
helped me.
He's powerful. He
loves you. And He can do far better for you than
help you "hope", if you just start taking
the actions necessary
to actually stop and get better. My wish for you is
progress in the direction you started by
joining GYE; to drop the shame, and to take whatever
actions needed for you to get better. It all depends
on what you want. Do you want to keep looking like
you want to get better, or: do you want to actually
start getting better?
If you continue
wishing and hoping without progressing in taking
real action, I would suggest that it just proves
that you do not really want to get better.
And I may be the very last person
to look down on you for being scared to death of
actually quitting and staying quit. Hey - I'm an
addict. I haven't forgotten what it's like to be
tied to lust. And I also remember mastering the art
of acting like I'm moving to recovery while actually running
fast in the opposite direction.
And that
is why I love you.
Wishing you all the
chizuk in the world,
- Dov |
|
|
711. |
Tuesday ~ 2 Adar, 5770 ~ February 16, 2010 |
|
In Today's Issue
-
Attitude Tip of the Day:
This is MY Movie
-
Testimonial of the Day:
You Saved My Life
-
Battle Communication: Moving Targets Are Harder to Hit
-
Link of the Day:
Powerful Talk on "Family Security" By Rav Yosef
Viener
-
Daily Dose of Dov:
The "Program"
-
Pic of the Day:
Keep on Truckin'
-
Announcement:
Duvid Chaim's Group Starting
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Attitude Tip of the Day
This is MY Movie
By "Silent Battle"
We have this idea in our head - a kind of script, really - that
in various situations, our response is supposed to
be to act out. It might be "when I'm under stress,"
or "when I'm lonely," or "when I'm triggered." But
somehow, we've accepted that it's sorta-kinda OK to
act out. Like it's understandable.
And then we need to
fight against that assumption.
Instead, perhaps we
should go through our minds in our free time; find
all those messed-up scripts; and scrap them in favor
of new, good ones. This is MY movie, and I think I'm
going to call in the best script-writer available -
yeah, that would be Hashem. I like his endings the
best.
"Noorah" Responds:
Thanks for sharing this! Very well said!
This sounds a bit like the first of Covey's Seven
Habits. He writes:
We can choose to be reactive to our environment. For
example, if the weather is good, we will be happy.
If the weather is bad, we will be unhappy. If people
treat us well, we will feel well; if they don't, we
will feel bad and become defensive. We also can
choose to be proactive and not let our situation
determine how we will feel. Reactive behavior can be
a self-fulfilling prophecy. By accepting that there
is nothing we can do about our situation, we in fact
become passive and do nothing.
The first habit of highly effective people is
proactivity. Proactive people are driven by values
that are independent of the weather or how people
treat them. Gandhi said, "They cannot take away our
self respect if we do not give it to them." Our
response to what happened to us affects us more than
what actually happened. We can choose to use
difficult situations to build our character and
develop the ability to better handle such situations
in the future.
Proactive people use their resourcefulness and
initiative to find solutions rather than just
reporting problems and waiting for other people to
solve them. |
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Testimonial of the Day
You Saved My Life
Josh posted on
the forum:
Wow, unbelievable.... I had to wait to day 88 to gather enough
courage to write here.
I have been looking
all my life for something like this website and it
wasn't till my work mate forwarded me a link to this
site... And as soon as I saw this site I started,
and B"H haven't fallen and IY"H won't fall ever
again.
I would like to thank
my work mate who I guess is also finishing his 90
days now, for if not for him who introduced me to
this site who knows how much longer I would have
continued?
And if you need any
help, just know that you saved my life - and that
alone should give you enough strength to continue
for many more years....
Thank you
administration of GYE for all the E-mails and
reminders....
The daily emails and
reminders, even thought I didn't always have time to
read them... Just being in the Inbox reminded me to
behave myself and keep away from the bad. |
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Battle
Communication
Moving Targets Are Harder to Hit
Rage (RATM) posted on
the forum:
So here I am on my third week of my climb back up...
How can I make this one better?... How do I make
these clean days get me more return for my buck than
the last days did?... I think about something I
first learned from Dov and read about later in the
SA literature... SA defines recovery as a
progressive victory over lust.. I think that is the
key, right there.... To try and make each day less
lustful than the last day... While ultimately, our
goal every day should be getting as close to the
zero factor on lust. Each day we need to take an
affirmative step that will get us there.... "What
can I do today to be less lustful than yesterday?"
is the question... And I believe that thinking along
those lines can help us defeat the oh-so-dangerous
sense of complacency that comes along with each
progressive day...
But it's not gonna happen every day... I may lust
more today than yesterday, but if you can somehow
chart the lustfulness, the slope should be on the
decline... This is what I need to internalize, and
this is what I need to work on... My progressive
victory... Moving targets are harder to hit... I
can't afford to stand still... (Sorry Walt Clyde
Frasier, in this war, the best offense is a good
offense). |
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Link of the Day
"Family Security" Talk by Rav Yosef Viener
We had the honor today of discussing our work at GuardYourEyes
with Rav Yosef Viener, a well know Rav from the
Agudas Yisrael of Flatbush.
Rabbi
Yosef Viener has inspired and
enlightened thousands of listeners worldwide with
his shiurim and lectures on Halachah and Hashkafah.
(Click
here for some of his Shiurim).
In the summer of 2009, Rav Veiner gave a talk called "Family
Security" on the dangers of today's technology, with
practical advice on how to protect ourselves and our
children. After the talk, a man came over to Rav
Veiner and told him that he would give any amount of
money that Rav Veiner asked for, to make copies of
that talk and distribute it. On the spot, he wrote
out a $5,000 check and Rav Veiner proceeded to make
4,000 copies of the talk on CDs, which he
distributed at later events that he attended. It's a
very powerful talk, and well worth listening to!
To
listen to the "Family Security" talk (MP3 Audio),
click here.
(To download it, right click and press "Save Target/Link As") |
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Daily Dose of Dov
Dov is sober in SA for over 10 years. See his story
here.
The "Program"
To someone who claimed he had studied the 12-Steps and found
them "insightful":
The steps are not like Torah, which
(sadly) can just be a book, and just read without
being believed in at all, nor incorporating it. The
steps are not information - they are a program.
Hence the term, "Program". You don't read them and
think about them. You put them into action. Only. |
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Pic of
the Day
Keep on Truckin'
Sent in by "bardichev"
|
|
|
712. |
Wednesday ~ 3 Adar, 5770 ~ February 17, 2010 |
|
In Today's Issue
-
Announcement:
Free Phone Calls!
-
Personal Victory of the Day:
Mazal Tov to 'Sci1977' on 90 days!
-
Article Quote of the Day:
Learning from Martin Gross A"H
-
Daily Dose of Dov:
Living as G-d's Boychik
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Announcement: Free Phone Calls!
Since
Duvid Chaim's conference call will be starting a
new cycle IY"H in a week from today (Feb 24), I
would like to point out to everyone that we have
found a way to get free phone calls! See
this page for more info.
You'll find more details about Duvid Chaim's group
at
this link.
See also
this page for frequently asked questions
about Duvid Chaim's group. |
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Personal Victory of the Day
Mazal Tov to 'Sci1977' on his 90th day clean!
Today he is at the top of our 90 day chart
here, and tomorrow he will be on our Wall of Honor chart
here!
'Sci1977' wrote today on the forum:
Day 90 of being clean and sober. Thank you G-d, thank you
G-d, thank you G-d.
How do you even come close to understanding this momentous -
yet still so small of an accomplishment - at the
same time? My gratitude is immense, and I will
forever remember these 90 days probably more then
any other 90 days of my life. Because it is where I
found "living". I feel like a four year old that
just got to open up his biggest birthday
present. The only difference is, that instead of
getting a toy or a video game, I received something
better: life. Life was in a huge box with a big
bow. My attitude has always been to stay positive. I
have laughed, I have cried, I have been forthcoming
with my deepest and most honest feelings.
A few things that I
want to make sure I mention, because if I don't - as
a human - I will kick myself: Be true to yourself
and honest to yourself in your recovery process.
Think of everyday as day 1. Yes, I have counted, but
I feel like the count really doesn't matter. It's
how you live that counts. Live the change you
want to make.
Don't forget your past. Remembering who I was, is certainly a
great reminder to continue on this journey. I was an
angry little man (a small admission that really
needs to be said on this day). I am still far from
where I need to be, but I am not where I was. One
day at a time, with courage and determination. On a
long trip, you can find yourself.
I look at where I
need to go, and I know I am so far away. G-d, give
me the power to be "powerless" the rest of my
life. This voyage is for the rest of my life. I will
continue to lean on pillars of the strength of G-d
and my wife. I look to them for guidance in good and
bad. If you look at the addiction like an allergy,
it helps.
The one word I would
use to describe the last 90 days is, "work".
You have to work on yourself to get somewhere.
That's right, work on yourself. Introspection of
oneself is the best and most positive thing you can
do. You can find out what makes you 'tick' as a
person. It's introspection that made me understand
you can't get far internally without thinking with a
calm, cool, and collected head.
A positive attitude
is a must. Without it, I know I would not have made
it this long. I have tried to figure out how to
write an outline of what worked for me. But instead
of formally writing it, I am going to make bullet
points.
-
Tell your story
-
Thank G-d for everything and understand that He
is everything
-
Be positive about your life, but more
importantly, about yourself.
-
Say goodbye to your past, but don't forget the
past.
-
Say hello to living, and live the change you are
trying to make
-
Love yourself
-
Love your family, especially your spouse.
-
Be honest and work on yourself.
-
Rely on friends or family when things get tough.
-
Find outlets of relaxation (for me its sports).
Lastly, I want to thank all those who have responded or wrote
something to me on my threads on the forum. Thank
you, for you have all given me something, both as
individuals and as a team.
Oy vey, G-d get me
through this without so many tears. My wonderful
beautiful wife. You and you alone were the one to
put me on this path. Words can do this no justice. I
hope you feel I have worked hard and really
understand that I am not here without you. This
could have been our end, and instead we turned it
into a positive. Honestly not easy, but we have. I
know that our road is still bumpy. You are
everything to me. With every ounce of my being, I
thank you.
I am eternally
grateful to be where I am, on a good and moral
journey. Thank you G-d, thank you my excellent wife,
and thank you GYE.
No slips or falls, non needed or wanted.
I WILL WIN THE
BATTLES AND THE WAR- WITH G-D'S HELP!! |
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Article Quote of the Day
Learning from Martin Gross A"H
Teshuvah & Ahavas Yisrael are the two highest ideals
of the GYE Network. And Martin Gross showed us all
that these two ideals are possible even in the abyss
of pain and death.
To quote Nochum
Kurinsky who was present at the execution (YW
NEWS):
The curtain opened and there was Martin in the next
room. He was only four or five feet from us, but he
was strapped down and covered up until his neck. The
only visible part of him was his arm, in which was
an IV that would deliver the sam hamoves, the
poison, and his face. In the room with him were a
police officer and someone who stood with a paper
and notebook presumably recording every detail of
what transpired. The room also had a large clock
behind Martin as well as video cameras and
microphones hanging from the ceiling. Otherwise
there were freshly painted walls, a sparkling clean
floor, and a one way glass leading to a third room
behind Martin.
Martin did not look at the crowd nor at the police
officer next to him, he just stared up at the
ceiling. There was silence in the room, the tension
was so thick you could cut it with a knife. I for
one was almost convulsing. The clock read 6:02.
The officer asked "Mr. Grossman do you have any final
words?" to which Martin replied "Yes".
Martin began "I completely regret everything that I did
on that night, both that which I remember and that
which I do not". He then said, "I would like to say
a prayer," the officer said okay.
At that point Martin says "Shema Yisroel
adon- elokenu adon- echod" in a loud voice and then
said something that I will never forget so long as I
live.
"Ahavat
Yisroel".
At that point I began to weep so loud that the guy
behind me asked me if I would like to leave. There
are no words to describe the way Martin died. Martin
committed a terrible crime, one that will haunt a
family as long as they live. But with those two
words he showed that, "ein dovor ha'omed bifnei
harotzon," nothing stands in the way of a man's
will. Martin died proclaiming his affection for
Yisroel his brothers and sisters throughout the
world, more for G-d and his Torah as well. Martin
died a repentant man, but more than that. Martin
died a man that accomplished something that we as
Jews have been trying to do for nearly 2,000 years.
He brought us together with true Jewish unity -
Ahavas Yisroel.
Who knew a child born to an abusive father and sick
mother, a boy who could not make it through school,
a young man who shopped for drugs in his mother's
closet, a man who killed someone - and not just a
person, but a young Park Ranger who was just doing
her job, while he was high on a cocktail of drugs,
could have such an incredible impact.
Martin died as a true bal Teshuvah Al Kidush Hashem,
sanctifying G-ds name in public, the highest level a
Jew can reach on this earth.
We can all learn from Martin that Teshuvah is
possible under all circumstances, and that the
adverse situations that we sometimes find ourselves
in, can be used as a springboard to unite Yidden
together with true Ahavas Yisrael (as 50,000 yidden
did, by sending e-mails and other such attempts to
save him). Our addiction and suffering serve also to
unite us, as we can see happening on the
GYE forum every day. And we must always remember
Martin and know that Teshuvah is possible against
all odds and under all circumstances.
May his soul rest in peace. |
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Daily
Dose of Dov
Dov is sober in SA for over 10 years. See his story
here.
Living as G-d's Boychik
To someone who was discussing how "Hashem must be
so happy when we struggle with the Yetzer Hara",
Dov writes the following:
(Disclaimer: Dov's words are intended for people who
have tried struggling with the Yetzer Hara for years
and keep losing, not for people who are only
slightly addicted and may be able to beat the
addiction with 'will-power")
A funny thing seems to happen to all the folks I meet in
recovery after they are sober for a while: They take
on this mindset that they are not in this
world to overcome lust. They begin to see their
sobriety only as a gateway to real living.
See the start of step 4 or 6 in AA's "12&12"
for more on this, if you like.
(These chapters discuss how our
instincts, which are necessary for our
existence, often far exceed their proper functions -
and how we sometimes use our natural instincts for
self-destruction).
In fact, freedom from lust is the very last thing
I feel is my tachlis in this world. There is
this giant thing called "life" waiting for me out
there. My wife, kids, the people I come in contact
with, the Torah to learn... knowing G-d. These
things beat any "struggle" hands-down.
Is my tachlis
in this world really to beat lust? And I don't even
really beat it anyway - Hashem does.... Is this a
goal for a yid? Don't you think you'd want better
for your kids?
(After all, we're all Hashem's children). A father of a boy with emotional problems wants his son to eventually see
his struggle with depression as 'road-kill' - at
least in some respect.... not to
stay in it - seeing it as 'the great purpose of his
life'! Gevalt! What about living? Is this not poshut? Am I missing something here? OK
maybe I am, as some mussar purists might tell me
(with a Messilas Yeshorim squarely to the head); but
as an addict, this is a totally unacceptable way of
life, as far as I am aware. I have not seen the
'tortured strugglers' get better. Frumer - maybe, but rarely sober for
very long. I don't personally know of any, as a
matter of fact. Nu. Perhaps I need to get out more
often! ;-)
Yes, yes, in the beginning of
recovery - yes - the struggle to 'stop struggling'
and give up completely on my ability to use lust
successfully needs to be the prime focus of
everything; i.e. the opposite extreme of how
I was living before. But over time, it needs to
reverse itself to simply living as G-d's boychik
(or girlchik); and living with
gusto! That's why the rest of the 12 steps
(after the first) don't mention my problem at all. The 'problem' was just a
symptom of being screwed up, after all!
Furthermore, to me,
this kind of talk is just more 'romanticism', which
is ultimately about me, me, me. Romance with
challenges, struggles and madreigos. I know
the pull to it is tremendous. It is very attractive,
the idea of getting "healed". But I - an addict -
need to learn to live as
an addict. It is probably fine for normal yidden to
make 'the struggle' the entire point of life, and
possibly even a great madreiga - difficult as
I find it to accept. Yet, I have been there, as have
many others, and for me as an addict, it's just
useless.
Just a share, for
free, chaver.
Marbim beSimcha!
- Dov |
|
|
713. |
Thursday ~ 4 Adar, 5770 ~ February 18, 2010 |
|
In Today's Issue
-
Personal Victory of the Day:
I'm Proud of You
-
Attitude Tip of the Day:
Every Day is 'Day 1'
-
Practical Tip of the Day:
Wait 15 minutes
-
Testimonial of the Day:
Since Before My Bar-Mitzva
-
Daily Dose of Dov:
"What's with YOU?"
-
Announcement:
Free Phone Calls
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Personal Victory of the Day
I'm Proud of You
Yesterday we wished Mazal Tov to 'Sci1977' on his 90th
day clean, which got him onto our Wall of Honor
chart
here. Today 'Sci1977' wrote on the forum:
This morning, I re-read
the last page or so of my thread and realized
how emotional recovery is. I have closed the door to
my office today so I could cry in peace. I want to
point out that every single response has made me
cry. I sent my wife what I wrote (which appeared in
yesterday's e-mail) and I got a response from my
wife by e-mail. She wrote:
I'm very proud of you, obviously. I know
you didn't feel that you had options, but you did
have options, and one was to keep walking forward
away from us and the children, and you didn't. You
did very much the opposite. I will tell you that you
have amazed me. I never thought that we would make
it. Whatever you thought was dark, I felt it was
completely black. I wanted to put up a wall that you
couldn't break down, no matter what. Instead of
that, you showed me that you loved me, and little by
little I saw that you loved yourself too.
I feel like your best friend, and I do
want to be that person. Spiritually, you showed me
that you can be something for me to be proud of, and
I am.
What my wife wrote
made me cry more then anyone. My heart is filled
with much love. Thank you all once again.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Attitude Tip of the Day
Every Day is 'Day 1'
'Sci1977'
shares an attitude tip:
I want to share today something that I feel is very important
to make sure I get out - and off my chest. The 90
days is for sure a must to get where you want
to go. However, the first day is more
important then the rest of those 90. I look back now
and see that at day 1, I knew nothing about myself.
I knew I had a problem, but not much else. Day 1 is
when you are actually more brave then any
other time. It shows you're ready to give in and
try. I know that everyday farther away from the
dirty past is a good one, but it would not have
happened without day 1. In a way, I try to see
everyday as day 1. For that is the day I found my
life and the many wonderful things that go with it.
I found myself more connected to wife, family and
friends. Most important though, is I found myself
connected to myself. I also rekindled my love for
G-d. This journey continues, and I know now that
there is time for family, G-d, friends and
relaxation. The road is still bumpy. But life, REAL
LIFE, is so precious. |
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Practical Tip of the Day
Wait 15 Minutes
"Holy Yid" writes to someone on the forum who wrote
he wants to stop these behaviors because he doesn't
want to be a sinner:
You should want to stop to be able to have a life, NOT
to stop 'sinning'.
If you don't stop now, you will end up spending your whole day
online looking at P***. You will have no life. You
will not learn Torah. You will ignore your wife and
kids. You will not get a position, nor be able to
hold down a job.
So how do you stop?
Well that's what this
site is for. I was crazy till I found this site.
Then I learned to stop trying to "stop" and start
living instead!
Let me explain.
Step 1: Admit you have a problem that you can't control. Post
that here on the forum, post it often, and
don't forget it.
Step 2: Don't resist
the urges, cuz that just makes them stronger.
Instead, gently put your mind some place else.
If that does not
work, tell yourself "I will wait 15 minutes and then
I will allow myself to do whatever I want". During
that time, do something you enjoy. That might help
you. If it does not, you will at least have the
merit of those 15 minutes. Keep building your merit,
and ultimately you will succeed!
And one last BIG
SECRET: Post here on the forum often and tell us
about your struggles and victories! |
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Testimonial of the Day
Since Before My Bar Mitzvah
By "Yosef Hatzadik"
I am a
Brooklyn yungerman who has been looking at re'ios assuros
even before I knew that I shouldn't be looking at
them. I was doing the ma'aseh before I knew
that it is an aveira, r"l. I am married now with a
few children, Boruch Hashem, and have been
struggling with the yetzer horah since then.
B'rov rachamov
vechasodov, I was zoche to be directed to this
great and holy site by a Rav who knows about my
struggles (I am forever indebted to him for this
referral!).
My Rav insists that every single person davening in his shul or
coming to his shiurim must sign up to
CovenantEyes.com at his expense, and he gets the
accountability reports. (That's how he found out
about my problem and referred me to this site).
I told the Rav
recently that I have a big t'viyah
(complaint) against him for not telling me about
this site earlier!
With much siyata dishmaya and the chizuk I received
from this site, I was zoche to have a higher level
of shmiras einayim for the last month that I haven't
had since before I was a Bar Mitzvah!
This eida kedosha is a truly holy gathering of people
who are Hashem's REAL friends in this lowly world. [Bemokom
shebalei teshuva omdim ein tzadikim gemurim yecholim
la'amod!] We may not be like the tzadikim of
previous generations, but in this dark, dirty,
dingy, disgusting, and degrading society we were put
into, {in his infinite wisdom... we believe we are
lucky to be in this generation, otherwise we
wouldn't be here! HE doesn't make mistakes!} we can
accomplish even more than the tzadikim of old did!
WE CAN BRING THE GEULA! After all, a small 4 watt
nightlight bulb will make all the difference between
whether you bump into the walls or not - if you put
it in a room which is otherwise in total darkness;
whereas a million candlepower searchlight does
little good when used in bright daylight, as CHAZA"L
say: Shraga
betihara mai ahanye.
(As in the days of old when so many Tzadikim filled
the world).
Yasher Ko'ach to all
the good Jews who set up this site, to all those
that post on this site, to all those that help fund
this site, and to all those dear friends of Hakodosh
Boruch Hu who value true kosher SIGHT!!! |
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Daily Dose of Dov
Dov is sober in SA for over 10 years. See his story
here.
"What's with YOU?"
("How I wish someone had asked me this 20 years
ago!")
Someone wrote on the forum:
Undertaking a genuine Teshuva starts by
understanding the mekoros and ikarim of the issurim
of these issues. This is not only MY opinion, but
many rishonim and baalei hamusar hold like this. You
can get rid of an issur and a bad habit by shaping
your mind to understand and be aware at all times,
of the harm caused by our deeds.
Dov Responds:
You are talking about what the sforim and ba'alei
mussar say about teshuva. That means you know this
already. So then why is the struggle so hard if you
know it already? After all, Hashem doesn't want this
for you. So don't do it. You are a precious
child of His - and His personal project. Right? Each
of us is.So why do it?
I'm not talking about what's right - I'm
asking you about what's with you. (Not what's with the Torah). You is what
matters, because we already know that the Torah
doesn't hold of looking at porn or masturbating. Get
me?
Let's not play games,
neither of us.
Teshuvah is b'ikar
about what you have done. What does Teshuva
have to do with not doing it any more? I know, I
know... it's supposed to affect the
future... So let it! What's your question?
How about not doing
it any more for two months. Then talk
about Teshuva.
Not so simple?
I'm not talking about
"addiction" here - just about you.
What is the
difference in the exact "nature of the prohibition"
as far as stopping and staying stopped is
concerned, if you agree that it is not what your
very best Friend ever (Hashem) wants for you?
I wish I
had someone ask me this very question 20 years ago. Oh,
how I wish it.
Hatzlocha sweet yid! |
|
|
714. |
Friday ~ 5 Adar, 5770 ~ February 19, 2010
Erev Shabbos Parshas Terumah |
|
In Today's Issue
-
Parsha Talk - Terumah:
"And I Shall Dwell In Them"
-
Battle Communication:
Take the Ball & Run With it!
-
Attitude Tip of the Day:
There is No 'Long Haul'
-
Daily Dose of Dov:
Teshuvah Through Experience
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Parsha Talk: Terumah
"And they shall make for me a Tabernacle, and I
shall dwell in them"
The Pasuk doesn't say "I will dwell in it".
Rather, it says "I will dwell in them".
Every Jew can make his heart like a Tabernacle for
the divine presence to dwell inside of him.
Ahron (whose story appears
here on our site, and
here on Aish.com) wrote to me yesterday:
For me, at least right now, recovery is a two step
approach:
Step one
is a list I wrote up of the consequences of acting
out, which remind me that it will kill me.
And step two is to add Kedusha to my life, so
that I live right.
As R' Viener said in the shiur that you sent out
recently called "Family
Security", Tznius leads to Kedusha, and
Kedusha allows the Shechina in. And when the
Shechina is there, lust is not. They do not - and
cannot - coexist. |
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Battle
Communication
Take the Ball & Run with it!
Jack, whose 90-Day time-line appears
here on our site, writes to a newcomer:
My (user)name is Jack, please read my recovery story. I was
addicted for 38+ years until I found this site. Do
the 90 days, even one minute at a time, if you
have to. Join
a phone group - you will find one here that
suits you. Don't attempt this by yourself. Would you
attempt to climb mount Everest all by yourself?
Remember that falling is part of the process. You
have started on the road to recovery! Yasher koach.
The first step is to admit there is a problem - many
people are in denial and don't admit they're
addicts. You know the guy who says he can quit
anytime? yeah, sure. Well I am clean for almost a
year and a half, with only a few slips spaced out
over about 6 months each. But basically I'm doing
fine. But - once an addict always an addict, and it
never totally goes away. But we can control it - IF
WE WANT TO. Take the ball and run with it!
Oh, and one more thing: Get a sponsor who you can call (almost)
anytime when you are weak. I can't emphasize enough
how a sponsor helped me through the toughest times,
mainly the first 90 days. I spoke to my sponsor
every week, and I wrote to Guard ten times a day. He
put all his mesiras nefesh into me, just like
he does for everybody else on this forum.
Hatzlacha Raba,
Jack
Comment from the webmaster: Due to time constraints, Guard is no
longer available to answer 10 e-mails a day. Please
keep your e-mail correspondence to five e-mails or
less :-) ... Even better, get yourself a partner
to keep you strong. See
this page for more info on how to get a
partner for e-mailing / chatting on-line / phone
calls. |
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Attitude Tip of the Day
There is No 'Long Haul'
By "Rage" (RATM)
I was having a conversation with someone from the forum and
here is how it went: I said, "I believe in you",
then he said, "I believe in me in short spurts, but
not for the long haul"... It then occurred to me
that we are in total agreement... Because there is
no long haul... in fact "tomorrow" is a word we use
to describe fiction; something that is not real and
is not there... Tomorrow is no more real than July
27, 2306 is real... All we have is today and now,
and that is all we can work at... And if day 1 is a
miracle from Hashem, then so is day 56... And if day
135 is hard, it is no harder than day 2... The only
thing we can work on is the only thing we have in
our hands: Today... NOW... And if you believe you
can work on yourself NOW and stay clean this second
and this minute, then you believe in yourself. |
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Daily
Dose of Dov
Dov is sober in SA for over 10 years. See his story
here.
Does
Teshuvah stem from knowledge of the Issur, or from
knowledge gained through Experience?
Yesterday we brought a piece from Dov where he tells the guy
how "knowing the intricacies of the issurim" is not
what we need to recover. Instead, we need to ask
ourselves what is OUR problem is (not what
the Torah says the problem is).
After some replies on the forum, Dov again clarifies that it
is not the "knowledge" of why it's wrong that can
stop a real addict, nor is it blind-faith in the
truth of the Torah that can stop us. What stopped
him, was plain and simply the "knowledge" that he
gained through his suffering.
Dov writes:
If we could actually say that knowing this (the intricacies of
the issurim) would necessarily make an iota of
difference in getting someone to stop for good, I'd
promptly shut up. But I do not believe it is so in
many cases.
Of the following two
choices, which is more like "knowledge" and which is
more like "blind faith"?
1 - What the
p'sukim, shulchan aruch, gemorah or zohar
tell me I must not do, (based
on my acceptance of Torah misinai, emunas chachomim,
[and ruach hakodesh in some cases])...
or,
2 - the
experiences - each of which I had: of being so wrapped
up in
my porn and masturbation (or my heiligeh struggle
not to use/do it) that I lived a life where even my ruchnius is
all about me;
watching my wife cry her heart out when she sees
that I have a much closer relationship with my "thing"than
I have with her (sorry
folks); and getting my face mashed into the shame of
my servitude to these embarrassing and pathetic
behaviors that I do over and over, without recovery.
I don't need any
faith to suffer. I just need to not
recover.
Furthermore, when the
Torah tells us that teshuvah (per RMB"N) is within
our reach, it doesn't say it's in a book, at all. It
says all we need la'asos is what is in our
mouths and in our hearts. Our own experience
- if we really see it as it is - unvarnished - will
lead us to Teshuva. |
|
|
715. |
Sunday ~ 7 Adar, 5770 ~ February 21, 2010 |
|
In Today's Issue
-
Torah Thought of the Day:
Amalek = 240 = Safek
-
Battle Communication: 2 Weeks Free from the Computer
-
Practical Tip of the day:
Delete your "Buzz"
-
Attitude Tip of the Day:
Misinterpreting the Urge
-
Daily Dose of Dov:
Purpose vs. Side Affect
-
Help us Save Lives:
A Powerful Quote from Rav Yosef Viener
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Torah
Thought of the Day
Amalek = 240 = Safek
Posted by "Efshar Lesaken"
I just want to share a thought that I heard from Reb Yitzchak
Moishe Erlinger from Yeshivas Me'Oir Einaim in
Yerushalaim (a Very Holy Yid) at the shiur that he
gave yesterday at Irgun Shurei Torah in Boro Park.
He was talking about
how to achieve real Simcha in the month of Adar. And
one of the points he made was that "Ein Simche K'Hatoras Hasfeikus -
There's no greater Simcha then resolving one's
doubts!"
Often we get stuck in
Doubts: "Can I make it? Will I fall again? Will I
have to deal with this for the rest of my life?"
Etc.. and the list is endless.
Amalek is
B'Gematria Safek! All the Satan wants is to put
us into doubt & then he has us beat.
When we make up our
minds to do something good, Amalek shows up with the
Question Marks. "Me?!? Nah! I can do this? I
tried so many times before, why should it be
different this time? And anyway, is it
that bad? ... Hashem Loves me? Why would He?"
And we drop it right there & then & Amalek won.
He added a known
saying that "A bad decision is better then no
decision at all!" We might end up "eating" this
decision we made, but it's still worth it.
We have to make
decisions & not let any doubts get in the way, no
matter what!
Yes, I am
going to do whatever it takes to deal with my
addiction! No "Ifs", "Ands" or "Buts"!
And when we get rid
of doubts & make solid decisions, then yes! We
Will Be Happy!
And when we are
Happy, we don't get caught up in Sin.
I bless you all with
Happiness for the rest of your lives.
E.L. |
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Battle
Communication
2 Weeks Free from the Computer
Elya K. (moderator of
the phone conference) writes Chizuk to someone
struggling:
Not isolating yourself and becoming a part of a group is the
main way to get sober and recover from this
addiction. Ideally, that means a live SA or SLAA
group in your city. We also have
phone groups that meet 3 nights a week for members
of the forum. You - and none
of us - can do this
alone.
You can make it easier on yourself by staying off the computer for
2 weeks. Just don't turn it on. I did it for a
month. And I work on the computer. But I had to reprogram my brain, and the only way was to be
free of it. My wife answered my e-mails and we made
it. Get a filter, get a sponsor, figure out what
it is that is
driving you to avoid fear, anger, loneliness, boredom (by medicating
yourself with the addiction).
Never give up. There
is hope and a bright future ahead in recovery and
sobriety.
Keep coming back, one
day at a time. |
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Practical Tip of the the Day
Delete your "Buzz"
Posted by "Holy Yid"
Good news for those who have Gmail accounts and do not want to
be exposed to the dangers of "Google Buzz" (similar
to Facebook): You can now delete your Buzz
completely. Here's how:
1) Go to your Gmail settings (top right of page).
2) Click the "Buzz" tab (all the way on the right)
3) Press "Disable Google Buzz"
4) Select "Yes, delete my profile and posts" |
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Attitude Tip of the Day
Misinterpreting the Urge
By Eye.Nonymous (Clean almost 4 months)
I remember reading once something in the Sefer "B'Nei Machshava
Tova":
People think that we can't feel our soul. But in reality we CAN
feel it, but we've been conditioned to
misinterpret it. For example: Sometimes you feel
uneasy. You try to eat something or take a nap to
alleviate the discomfort. But afterwards, the snack
or the nap didn't help! Because your soul is
yearning! It wants something spiritual!
So I thinking that
maybe lust is really the same thing. We've been
totally conditioned that when we get this powerful
urge, "I need to act out!" But, perhaps this is
just our yearning for Hashem--misinterpreted. We
need really D'veikus!
When I think I'm lusting I'm experiencing a very powerful
desire, but in truth, IT'S NOT A DESIRE FOR LUST!!!
I only think it is because I'm so used to
thinking of it in this way. It's REALLY a desire
for a huge "hisbodidus session" or something like
that... It's REALLY a desire to connect to Hashem.
I find that thought
very liberating... |
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Daily Dose of Dov
Dov is sober in SA for over 10 years. See his story
here.
Purpose vs. Side Effect
The pivotal motivation
for much of the stuff we all do, is to feel
connected to something even greater than us - to
others and to Goodness. Not to "be loved", but to Love. The Hope that we all have, is that "maybe, just maybe, there is something worthwhile in me and
out there".
The love and attention that we get
is really just a really nice side-effect. Almost everything has side-effects, right? They are planted there to help people
do them more often. Like chesed. Hashem wanted it to
feel good, but that's not it's purpose. It's purpose
was to give us a chance to realize that we are actually
capable of giving, like G-d. And that connection is
the best it gets.
"Coincidentally", another thing
that we naturally crave for the experience of
connection past
ourselves that
it offers, is also accompanied by a pleasant
side-effect (sexual relations), and chazal spell out
for us that it was added to
it in order to encourage folks to keep doing it.
When it's power was weakened by chazal (like the
desire for avodah zara was), people (and chickens)
stopped procreating... right? Again: just a
side-effect.
A major part of our disease is our innocent
but stupid tendency to completely confuse pleasant
side-effects with the main objective itself - which
is really where the true pleasure lies.
To be continued / elaborated on
tomorrow IY"H... |
|
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Help us Save Lives!
Rabbi Yosef Veiner of Agudas Yisrael, in the talk
called
"Family Security" here says:
"Not a week goes by that I don't have to deal with a
Shalom Bayis Problem or a problem in Chinuch Habanim
or Banos, or a very fine Bochur who will call me up
- or at least what is left of a very fine
bochur - calls me up crying, begging for help. In
the last week and a half I had three of them...
There is nobody that can claim that either they're
not affected, or a family member, or a neighbor, or
the chaver sitting next to them in shul, or the
chavrusah sitting across from them in yeshiva. If
you discounted it until now, you're gonna have to
take my word for it when I say that there is no
single problem facing the yechidim in klal Yisrael
and communities at large, there is no bigger
problem than this. Nothing even comes close...There's
a Chov Kadosh to do something now before there's no
semblance of Kedusha left in Klal Yisrael. And I
don't say that lightly.... Keep in mind, the people
who come to me are so frum and so upset about what's
going on, that they're willing to talk to their Rav.
That means that there are thousands of people - I
hope not in my community - who would never even
speak to their Rav. "It's none of my Rabbi's
business, I don't talk to my Rabbi unless there's a
Levaya going on"... |
|
|
716. |
Monday ~ 8 Adar, 5770 ~ February 22, 2010 |
|
In Today's Issue
-
Announcement:
Duvid Chaim's Group Starting in Two Days!
-
Attitude Tip of the Day:
What I Learned from My Last Fall
-
Quote of the Day:
By "Noorah"
-
Shiur/Link of the Day:
Tetzaveh - Not Giving Up After A Fall
-
Daily Dose of Dov:
Don't Go For the Pretty Box
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Announcement
Duvid Chaim's Group Starting in Two Days!
Duvid Chaim writes:
Our Cruise
Ship to Freedom is
embarking on another Journey this coming Wednesday,
February 24th at 12 Noon East Coast time, 9am West
Coast time and 7pm Israel time.
Accordingly, you may want to begin the
preparations to come on Board in a few days:
-
Baggage - Other trips usually suggest packing light. But we suggest
you pack "heavy." Heavy, as in preparing your
thoughts and your goals so you get the most out
of this Journey. While I know we are going to
have a lot of fun during this trip, "we are
deadly serious" when it comes to the steps we
need to take to find freedom (as the Program
says). So don't worry. There are no weight
limits. There are no excess baggage fees. In
fact, the more baggage you bring on board, the
better. We'll show you how to lighten your load
as we go.
-
Notebooks - Bring a Journal with lots of blank pages. You'll want to
capture many of the awesome moments we'll have
together. You'll see lots of new sights both on
the horizon, and more importantly as you look
inward.
-
The Big Book - Be sure to have your copy of
the Big Book. Everyday, we'll have a
different volunteer read a selection from the
Big Book. Don't be shy or bashful. Who knows
what kind of treats the Cap'n has for hard
working shipmates!
-
Leave behind all cell-phones, beepers and pagers. These will only distract
you during our Cruise. You can "run the world"
during the remaining 23 hours of the day. Give
yourself a treat. Take a break from the demands
of the world during your hour on the Ship.
When you come on Board, Wednesday, after a basic
introduction and "fire drill," we'll begin our
reading of the Big Book on Roman Numeral page xiii
(13) - "Foreword to First Edition."
While I can't guarantee you smooth sailing during
the next 12 or so weeks we're together, I can
promise you that together
- we can weather any storm!
Looking FORWARD,
Duvid Chaim
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
To be added to Duvid Chaim's contact list for
updates on the group, or if you have any questions,
please contact
Duvid Chaim here.
Please be prepared with a 12 Step Big Book (you can
buy one at any major bookstore or ordering one from
Amazon.com
over here), (or
you can download a copy
from here).
You'll find more details about Duvid
Chaim's group at
this link.
See also
this page for frequently asked questions
about Duvid Chaim's group. |
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Attitude Tip of the Day
What I Learned From My Last Fall
This was posted by "Noorah" 8 months ago. Today he is clean
almost a full year:
Dearest Brothers in Arms,
Permit me to share what I learned from my last fall. I was
clean for months and months at the time. This was
prior to having found the GYE network and I was not
counting days, nor did I have a sobriety date. Why
should I be counting days? A choshver yid
such as myself is not an addict! I though that I was
permanently cured and that my previous falls were a
thing of the past, a bad dream.
How wrong I was!!!
At the time, I had just completed a major project at work and
was on a tremendous HIGH from it, both from a
spiritual aspect and a professional aspect.
My davenings were with a feeling of real connection with
Hashem, all my tefilos were with a minyan, I was
keeping my sedorim,
etc.. Then all of a sudden WHAM BAM,
the baal
duver was
back with such an awesome ferociousness, I didn't
know what hit me. (Each subsequent fall gets worse
in intensity and duration). All of a sudden, an ice
coldness in my yiddishkiet
overtook me, like I just completely and utterly shut
down spiritually (akin to a computer virus that
completely shuts down the whole system).
Of course, I had to go through the motions for the sake of my
wife and children, it was sheer torture. Imagine
having to conduct a purim
seudah or pesach
seder or
even a shabbos
seudah in
such a situation, when the wife and kids are looking
to me to set the ruach/spirit of the
day
and I'm just coming off a spectacular month long visit to the
Yetzer Hara's finest p**n sites. I wanted
to run, but had nowhere to hide.
Right before Pesach of this year, the Almight-y in his infinite kindness and love,
let me "stumble" on this holy website and the chizuk emails,
and things started to get a little better, the ice
in my heart began thawing a bit.
One of the greatest insights that I had, or shall we say,
lessons that I learned from this last fall was as
follows:
1) There is no greater danger then complacency, i.e. the thought
that battle is won. The menuvel has all the time in this world
(pun intended!) just waiting for me, the great tzadik, to
think that I licked him. Then out of nowhere it's WHAM
BAM and
I'm down for the count.
While this may be elementary to many on this forum, to me this
lesson came with a great price tag.
2) There is nothing in the world that incites the Yetzer Hara more
than arrogance, and underestimating his power. As
soon as I think that "I" beat him, or that "I'm" a
big tzadik, he
will just tear me to pieces.
This secret is from the gemorah
in kiddushin
where R' Akiva and R' Meir, the holy tanaim would
mock those who sinned, with the thinking (according to Rash"i )
that the Yetzer Hara is easy to overcome.
Consequently, the Yetzer Hara appeared to them and
tempted them with such a strong lust that Reb Akiva
began to climb up the tree to satisfy his lust. When
R' Akiva was halfway up the tree, the Satan said to
him "were it not that in Heaven they proclaim
"beware of R' Akiva and his Torah" I would have
utterly destroyed you".
I too, underestimated the menuvel in the biggest way. I was asleep to the menuvel and
he was busy rubbing his hands in glee waiting for
me.
I don't even remember the precise thing that made me fall
anymore, and I'm not even sure how important it is
right now to recovery.
The lesson that I take from this last fall is, I hope and daven
never to forget, that until my last breath, the
great menuvel will
lie in ambush waiting for me to forget that he is
... lying in ambush!!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Quote
of the Day
By "Noorah"
Complacency + Depression + Stress = Disaster
Remaining vigilant +
upbeat + reaching-out to friends = Battle won! |
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Shiur/Link
of the Day - Tetzaveh
Not Giving Up After A Fall
Sent in by "Yosef Hatzadik"
"Rabbi Schachter can be quite humorous and inspiring
simultaneously" |
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Daily Dose of Dov
Dov is sober in SA for over 10 years. See his story
here.
Don't Go For the Pretty Box
Yesterday, Dov discussed the idea that our lust is really a
misplaced need to "love" and "give" to others and to
connect to something larger than us, and that the
pleasure is just a side-effect that we take out of
context in our addiction. Someone asks Dov:
"Are you saying that the true nature of
addiction to this stuff is just the need to give to
others which is just being misplaced? It sounds too
simple. If so, let's all join "Tomchei Shabbos" and
be free of this!"
Dov Responds:
First off, it's not me who says this. It was first brought to
my attention in the chapter on the 4th step in "12
Steps & 12 Traditions". And, lehavdil, the
Gemara in Avodah Zara spells out the reason
that the creator added desire into sexuality. And
lehavdil again, having to learn how to train a dog,
taught me
operant conditioning (which is natural):
All
bodies naturally learn to do the stuff they are "supposed"
to do because the behaviors are associated with
pleasure. It's not about right or wrong, it's just
the inescapable reality.
Of course, it's not the only way
to learn what to do, but perhaps it's the easiest.
Rav Noach Weinberg zt"l built his whole "5
Levels of Pleasure" thing on this, and also said
that we liberally use rituals (like saying
thank-you, b'rachos, etc.) in yiddishkeit to
encourage learning healthy behavior. And Rav Noach
warns us to remember that the ritual is not the
purpose, but only a path to become people who live with natural gratitude, humility, etc.,
otherwise our davening and mitzvos eventually become
empty. Our young people sometimes see right through
the charade and get sick to their stomachs, of
course... And then we wonder why they are "going off
the derech"... "what derech?"
They'd respond: "the derech to what?"... (but I
digress)
Messilas Yeshorim
says this in his hakdomah, when he writes that while
we were created
for pleasure, we are tricked to accept petty and
temporary pleasures rather than going for the Big
One.
Now, all that "higher
pleasure" stuff was just "the phooey mubo-jumbo,
goody-goody stuff that grease-balls were made of" to
me, until I got sacked by lust addiction and ended
up in the toilet.
From down here, b"H,
the view is a bit different, even being out of the
toilet....
It ain't so bad,
actually, especially going with you, and the rest of
the sweet GYE-maniacs.
So, yeah, that's it.
Sometimes it just takes a really big ego-breaker
like addiction and recovery to really admit that we
really are that stupid
to go for the pretty box, instead of after what's
inside. Ha! :-) |
|
|
717. |
Tuesday ~ 9 Adar, 5770 ~ February 23, 2010 |
|
In Today's Issue
-
Announcement:
Duvid Chaim's Group Starting TOMORROW!
-
Mazal Tov to 'SilentBattle' on 90 Days:
Some Great Posts
-
Attitude Tip of the Day:
The Test is Not Always What We Think
-
Spiritual Tip of the Day:
Keep Your Heart Occupied
-
Battle Communication: Which way will you get better faster?
-
Torah Thought of the Day:
When He Removes His Help, We Fall
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Announcement
Duvid Chaim's Group Starting Tomorrow!
You'll find more details about Duvid Chaim's group
at
this link.
See also
this page for frequently asked questions
about Duvid Chaim's group.
Please be prepared with a 12 Step Big Book (you can
buy one at any major bookstore or ordering one from
Amazon.com
over here), (or
you can download a copy
from here).
To be added to Duvid Chaim's contact list for
updates on the group, or if you have any questions,
please contact
Duvid Chaim here. |
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Mazal Tov to "SilentBattle" for reaching 90 Days
and
getting on to the "Wall
of Honor"!
SilentBattle is an older Bochur who has been very
inspiring to us all over the past three months or
so. He spends tons of time each day posting
inspiration to help keep others strong. May Hashem
bless him to go from strength to strength and
continue inspiring us for a long time to come!
Here is SilentBattle's first post:
Hi. I call myself "SilentBattle"
because these are battles that we all fight
silently, on some level or another. There is no
public honor. The plaques on the wall that declare
our victories are in Heaven.
For me in particular,
I feel like my social network overall is rather
limited, let alone people who actually know about
this struggle. Often I feel like I'm fighting
alone... I need to remember that Hashem is with me,
like a silent partner. Also, now that I have this
forum I am not really alone anymore!
My current battle is on a lower level than a lot of other
people here. I've been involved in unhealthy,
non-halachically correct relationships. I have set
myself certain goals to help avoid this, and with
Hashem's help, I've been succeeding.
My first step was to
sign up for the daily chizuk emails, so that every
day, I get two emails from GYE. It's a reminder in
my inbox of what my goals are.
I've also started
going to a therapist that specializes in addiction.
Although my acting out was on a lower level than
most of you here, there's no reason that I shouldn't
try for the full-fledged WOH commitment. Because
that's definitely a good thing, if I can do it. So
we'll see how it goes.
I plan on checking
out the two handbooks over the next few days, either
printing them out, or putting a copy on my private
computer.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Some time into his journey, someone asks 'SilentBattle' to
what he attributes his current success:
Well let's see... I read the chizuk emails and use the forum (posting
here forces me to consider what I'm feeling, what's
going on, etc.). I go to therapy, stay in touch with my Rebbe about my
progress (I've also filled out a release form
allowing my therapist to talk to my Rebbe - after
all, he's my spiritual adviser, I want him to know
where I'm at), and I have a friend that I've opened
up to. And, of course, I daven for help.
I've also started
reading the handbooks, but haven't finished them
yet. (I know, I should... working on it).
For now, all this
seems to be helping. Boruch Hashem!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Two posts from SilentBattle on his journey to 90 days:
B"H, Hashem is still helping me be strong, I'm
moving forward, going back and saying final
goodbyes, even to people that I haven't spoken to in
a while, so I know that it's over and done with.
Deleting emails by the hundreds (sometimes, by the
thousands), as I clear out this part of my life.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
More and more, I'm starting to realize what an honor it is to
be part of this brigade of holy warriors!
Yesterday I was faced with a difficult nisayon - I got an email
saying that I'd received a message from another user
on a site I'd signed up for a while back. I went to
the site, and for a few seconds, considered
replying... and then spent a lot longer than that
figuring out how to delete my profile. Thank you
Hashem, thank you GYE!
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Attitude Tip of the Day
The Test is Not Always What We Think
"SilentBattle" encourages someone who had a fall at day 89 and
thought he had lost everything:
Have you destroyed what you worked for in the last 89 days?
Well, the chofetz chaim says about lashon hora that
if someone restrains himself from speaking, even for
a minute, he gets access to a spiritual light that
even the angels cannot fathom. That's even if he
can't control himself, and after that moment, says
the lashon hora!
It would seem to me
that in our battles, the same would apply - I don't
see why not. So even an instant of restraint, of
waiting, of beating the yetzer hora, is a huge
victory, worthy of celebration. 89 days? No one
and nothing can take that away from you.
You fought a long
battle, and that's tiring - and now, after having
spent so much time and effort, you probably feel
drained. But maybe that's your test. Up in heaven,
your test wasn't the last 90 days. Maybe Hashem said
that you're stronger than that - He knew that you,
Reb Yid, can do 90 days. But what if you're pushed
down and you fall? That's the test.
Will you have enough strength to get up again? |
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Spiritual Tip of the Day
Keep Your Heart Occupied
By "SilentBattle"
R' Leib (Lawrence) Kelemen mentions how at one point, he was
forced to plan a trip to Eilat with one of his sons
to take care of something there. (He notes that for
those unfamiliar with the standards of dress in
Eilat, "people there don't walk around wearing
winter coats.")
So, he went to his
rebbe, R' Volbe, to ask for advice on helping them
with shemiras Einayim. R' Volbe responded that "it's
a gemara." He elaborated that the gemara in Shabbos
classifies an injury to the eye as something we can
be mechalel shabbos for, because the eyes are
connected to the heart. Therefore, R' Volbe advised,
Talk with your son in learning. If your heart is
occupied fully, your eyes won't notice.
And I think it's true
- to whatever extent we're deep in thought, we don't
notice things in the physical world around us.
I think that's good
advice for all of us. Thinking in learning while
walking in the streets is something we can all do,
on our own level. (Review, contemplation, etc.) |
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Battle Communication
Which way will you get better faster?
SilentBattle writes to someone who wanted to stop
doing these "Aveiros":
This is a sickness. Yes, it's a sickness that involves an
aveirah, but right now, you're limited in what you
can do about that, until you treat the sickness. So
your goal (as far as your avodas hashem goes) HAS to
be to focus on dealing with the addiction (see the
handbooks for that). And your growth in terms of
avodas hashem MUST be measured in terms of how well
you're dealing with the addiction, not how often
you've done the actual aveirah. And the reasoning is
simple - which way will get you better faster and
more effectively, to get you away from this aveirah
for good? |
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Torah Thought of the Day
When He Removes His Help, We Fall
By "SilentBattle"
R' Yeruchum explains a Rashi in parshas Shelach (by
the Meraglim). Rashi brings down that Hashem said,
"I will give them room to make a mistake ." R'
Yeruchum explains that Hashem didn't MAKE them do an
aveirah - He just took away the help that he always
provides, and once that help was gone, it was
inevitable that they would fall. *(see bottom for an
explanation of why Hashem took away his support).
The Gemara says, "A
person's Yetzer attacks him every day, and wants to
kill him... and if not for hashem's help, we
wouldn't stand a chance." R' Yeruchum explains that
in general, Hashem is constantly helping us out, and
without that constant support, we wouldn't be able
to succeed. No matter how great we are - remember,
the meraglim were among the greatest, holiest
people, and yehoshua bin nun was listed 5th -
implying that everyone above him was even greater
than he was! And yet, without Hashem's help, they
fell. Yehoshua and Kalev were both saved by an extra
dose of Hashem's help, each in their own way (that's
another whole discussion).
R' Yeruchum goes
further to point out that when a person wants to
purify himself (or herself), Hashem "helps" (misa'ayin
lo) - but when a person wants to make himself
impure, "poschin lo", Hashem just opens the way.
Exactly the same point.
He then brings down
that R' Yisroel Salanter used to say that he
wouldn't trust himself to be in a room with an
uncounted box of money unless there were people
constantly going in and out. R' Yeruchum said that
with his own self-knowledge, he wouldn't trust
himself even with money that HAD been previously
counted!
He emphasizes that
when we go through a day without doing an aveirah,
instead of congratulating ourselves, we should
realize that it's a wonderful favor and chesed from
Hashem, and if we think it's all because of us,
we're mistaken.
Why did Hashem remove
His help from the Meraglim? Well according to many,
if not most commentaries, when Klal Yisroel decided
to send the meraglim, they were making a choice that
was a mistake of doing too much hishtadlus
(obviously, on their own level, which we can barely
understand). Since they wanted to do things on their
own, midah k'neged midah, Hashem allowed them
to be on their own.
May we never be
alone, and may we always realize that.
PS - the obvious question on all of this is, why did Hashem
make us this way, that we need his help constantly?
This is even more puzzling in light of the fact that
the whole world was created for the purpose of us
having be'chira, free will, and being 'self made'.
This bothered me for a long time until I saw an
explanation from R' Itzele Peterburger (a.k.a. R'
Yitzchok Blazer) - the idea that our constant
dependence on Him is to enable us to constantly be
involved in asking for help and it keeps our kesher
with Him strong. And he explains that we can use
this idea in all areas of the physical world to help
us strengthen our connection with Him. Whenever we
ask Hashem to help us in areas of our physical life
- health, wealth, happiness, for my car to work
well, etc. |
|
|
718. |
Wednesday ~ 10 Adar, 5770 ~ February 24, 2010 |
|
In Today's Issue
-
Announcement:
Duvid Chaim's Group LAUNCHED!
-
Testimonial of the Day:
"I hope this is the kind of clean that lasts"
-
Battle Communication: Some Benefits of Being Clean
-
Link of the Day:
Holy Puzzle
-
Daily Dose of Dov:
Running 'Away' or Running 'To'?
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Announcement
Duvid Chaim's Group LAUNCHED!
Duvid Chaim'sGroup launched a new cycle today. I
hear that almost 40 people called in; a record for
sure! It's still not too late to join the call
tomorrow.
You'll find more details about Duvid Chaim's group at
this link.
See also
this page for frequently asked questions about
Duvid Chaim's group.
(To be added to Duvid Chaim's contact list for
updates on the group, or if you have any questions,
please contact
Duvid Chaim here).
Duvid Chaim wrote me an e-mail today before launching the
calls:
You should know that one of my Primary Goals on the
Calls is to train the Chevre to be "Aware of their
Perceptions and Motives." My experience has shown
that a significant character flaw in addicts is
their tendency to live life like a robot - on auto
pilot - always re-acting to what ever comes their
way - never giving a moments thought to what they're
doing - that leads to acting out like a blind man
walking into a wall.
If I only accomplish one thing in the twelve week
cycle with them; to get them to be more aware of
their perceptions and motives, then Dayainu.
Steve wrote recently:
I have to face the fact that I am a lust addict, which means
that as much as I may be "clean", I'm still not over
the lust and I must avoid that "first drink" at all
costs. But you see, not being OVER lust does NOT mean that one day I am bound to be OIVER with
lust. I am determined never to fall again. B"H for
GYE and Duvid Chaim's Program, where I got - and
continue to get, the tools I need to turn away from
the Yetzer Hara's offers of lust hits.
Duvid Chaim's Phone conference is the answer to almost
everyone's prayers for THE SOLUTION. Be there or Be
Square. DO IT. It'll be the best investment you
could ever do.
And if the time
doesn't work out for you, Duvid Chaim is putting
together some alumni to work with fellow call-mates
in the off hours. But try at least to start and get
in on the first few days with the whole group. When
sharing on the call (which is not mandatory), you
can go by your forum alias or a different alias name
- it's all anonymous, but still very personable. You
get out of isolation, hear the voices and stories of
fellow addicts, discuss struggles, and are
beautifully guided by Duvid Chaim, who is a master
Sponsor. (And his Texas accent alone is reason
enough to join!!)
Today Steve wrote:
The first call was a lot of set up as AT LEAST 37 PEOPLE were
signing in! That's so GEVALDIG, and a real testimony
to DC's effectiveness and what the program promises.
We read today from the
Big Book's "Forward" introduction page, and
tomorrow we start on the first page of "the Doctor's
Opinion" chapter from the introduction. So it is
still very easy for you to join in tomorrow, without
feeling you missed anything irretrievable.
So I hope to see you
and everybody else there. Have an EASY and
MEANINGFUL TAANIS.
We are now entering
into our national days of redemption and freedom. This
is so appropriate that we begin also our own,
personal season of redemption and freedom. |
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Testimonial of the Day
"I hope that this is the type of clean that lasts"
By "NewMe"
This site is absolutely amazing. Thank you so much whoever you
are for starting the site. There are tons of great
organizations out there all doing good things, but
you are simply changing lives. Without you (and all
the people giving encouragement on the forum), so
many of us would still be deep, deep down, maybe
rising up a little once in a while, but overall
stuck very firmly where we wish we weren't.
Anyway B"H, I'm 63 days clean, from p**n or
masturbation. I didn't post a thread on the forum
right away because I was scared it would last a week
- maybe two - if I was lucky, just like many, many
other times I decided once and for all THAT'S IT,
and there I was a couple days later right back
again. But what can I say, B"H I'm already clean
probably at least double as long as I ever was
before. And the truth is, even those times that I
was clean for a month, I wasn't as clean as I am
now, because then it was fueled my learning and lack
of Internet, and it was only a matter of time until
a clean like that ends.
But now I really am clean; I could but I don't, and
sometimes I really want to but I still don't. I hope
that this is the type of clean that lasts.
BTW, just reading everyone else's posts is very
helpful to me, the stories and situations that are
so similar to my own makes me feel that I am part of
a group working together. |
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Battle
Communication
Benefits of Being Clean
Jack is clean for close to a year and a half - after being
addicted for more than 38 years and acting out
almost every day. (See his 90 day time-line
here). Jack wrote on the forum:
To my fellow yidden, I would like to share with you some of the
benefits/rewards that come with being clean in the
hope to give you chizuk. This comes from MYSELF, and
not 2cd hand evidence:
1 - When you daven,
you don't feel like a hypocrite. Davening is SO much
more meaningful. (I was baal shachris last Shabbos,
and the longer I go clean, the better I daven. I had
SOOO much kavana).
2 - When you shake
the rabbi's hand in shul on shabbos or during the
week, you don't feel like a hypocrite.
3 - Learning improves
1000 percent! because your mind is clear.
4 - If you're
married, when you're finally with your wife it is
TRULY special.
5 - You learn
discipline - we all need sexual discipline (such as
when the wife is a nida or sick).
6 - And last but
DEFINITELY not least, you are doing the will of G-d,
our Creator and Master. |
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Link of the Day
A great article
related to Taanis Esther & Purim by
Benyamin Bresinger
of Project Pride (who has worked with addicts for
twenty years):
Holy Puzzle
The Darkness Before the Light:
"All
that happened to me was needed to get me to where I
am today..." |
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Daily Dose of Dov
Dov is sober in SA for over 10 years. See his story
here.
Running 'Away' or Running 'To'?
"The childlike dependence on Hashem is my greatest
treasure"
"Rashkebehag" wrote on the forum:
I want this thing behind me. Just today I innocently downloaded
updates that were offered for my iPod and there it
was - the youTube and safari with all its shmutz.
Boy did I feel tempted to go on it. I ran in a panic
to my expert and he put on for me the necessary
restrictions and I was able to breathe easier (while
in my heart I had this crazy feeling of regret that: why
couldn't I explore it a little, just a little, before he did that). So I am still an addict and so proud
that I was able to stop in time, with Hashem's
guidance, of course. But
all the years of addictions, oy, they really hurt.
Dov Replies:
The 12 steps I know of are all about learning how to run. Not away
from the addiction, but to run to Hashem
instead of the addiction. To keep my focus on
running to Hashem and use every circumstance in life
for an opportunity to be with Him - to recognize
that He is with me. My desperate need for Him is of
course trashed every time I act as though I can
control and use lust. It's similarly trashed
whenever I act like I can withstand lust by my own
power - or tzidkus, if you will. It seems to
be some peoples' job, but not mine. And, b"H, I have
been sober for 13 years now. The childlike
dependence on Hashem is my greatest treasure - why
would I want to ruin it with "madreigos"?! ("Lo
sa'aleh b'ma'alos al mizb'chi asher lo sigaleh
ervascha olov" applies to me if it applies to anyone !!)
I guess some people
are destined to be more like Noach who had to walk with Hashem's
help every step - others are like Avraham, who
walked before Him
seemingly on his own power.
As of today, I choose Noach, at least in this
issue... sue me. (just kidding please don't sue me!)
The steps (over time) taught me how to do this. |
|
|
719. |
Thursday ~ 11 Adar, 5770 ~ February 25, 2010
Ta'anis Esther |
|
In Today's Issue
-
Torah Thought of the Day:
Why We Dress Up
-
Attitude Tip of the Day:
Vi'Nahafoch Hu
-
Daily Dose of Dov:
Dov Tells More of His Story
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Torah Thought of the Day
Why We Dress Up
From an article on Vosizneias
over here.
The
Apter Rav - the Ohaiv Yisroel writes that one of the
reasons why we dress up in masquerade on Purim is to
show that the miracle of Purim came from something
that actually would have initially caused us much
grief. This, says the Apter Rebbe, stresses that the
greatest joy lies in the knowledge that the opposite
result might very well have happened. It is a Minhag
that brings us ever closer to the true Dveikus
Bashem and Simcha that lies at the heart of what
Purim is all about.
Let
us, with this in mind, remember the words of the
Nesivus Shalom regarding drinking on Purim. He
writes that the word "wine" is absent in the
formulation of the Shulchan Aruch. "Chayav adam
libsumei bePuraya ad delo yada."
The
reason is clear. We must become inebriated with the
concept of Purim and not with wine. The concept of
Purim is that Hashem is very close and that we can
achieve remarkable D'vaikus B'Hashem at this time.
No matter how distant we are - even if we are "Arur
Haman" in terms of our general distance from Hashem-
we can become, at this particular time of Purim, as
close as Boruch Mordechai. |
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Attitude Tip of the Day
Vi'Nahafoch Hu
The tragedy of addiction and powerlessness can turn into the
biggest blessing, if we use it the way it was
intended by G-d; i.e. as a springboard for
inner-change and spiritual growth.
From an article on Aish.com
here.
"You cannot see My face, for man cannot see My face and live...
you will see My back, but My face shall not be seen"
(Exodus 33:20). Of course God has no body. It was
not His physical appearance that was being
discussed. Moses wanted to "see" -- to comprehend --
God's ways and His interaction with His creations.
What he was told is that with our finite
intelligence we can't understand events as they
unfold; it is only retroactively that "You will see
My back" and grasp God's infinite wisdom.
Kierkegaard expressed the same idea when he said,
"The greatest tragedy of life is that it must be
lived forward and can only be understood backwards." |
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Daily Dose of Dov
Dov is sober in SA for over 10 years. See his story
here.
Dov Tells More of His Story
"Ve'Anochi Aster Astir Panai"
- Turns into -
"LeYehudim Haysah Orah ve'Simcha"
It seems to me that nobody can really tell anyone else that
they are an addict, because it probably will not be
accepted to the depth that it needs to be to make
any difference at all for the addict. This has been
my own experience and what I have seen meeting many
people in and out of recovery.
The conclusion that
worked for me was the one I had to reach in my own
heart.
Many hundreds of silent nights with masturbation, screaming
nights visiting schmutz sites and
establishments, phone use for lust, and other
disappointments washed over me. I even got caught
and didn't stop. I was repeatedly shocked at my
failure, after such sincere regret and Teshuvah.
A great Rav told me
that the answer was more spirituality, though he had
no clue that my very spirituality was twisted and
only contributed to my very problem! See, my
yiddishkeit had developed during the very
same years that my habitual use of lust and schmutz
developed into my preferred, safest, and only really
reliable coping mechanism and "medication" for the
pains and fears of normal life. It seemed to work
for many years, though it sucked the reality out of
me, slowly replacing true devotion to other people
and Hashem with self-absorption. And the yeshiva
experience itself - being so self-absorbed in
ruchniyus self-development for our future lives...
only land-locked me further. There came a time that
there were no answers left.
Another Rav told me I
needed to explain to my wife that she wasn't
enough fun for me. Let's not even get me started on
that one, though I bought it hook-lin-and-sinker at
the time.... (Nu, osah
r'tzon ba'aloh, right?)
Two shrinks told me
that I needed to learn how to get more healthy
pleasures out of life.... more self-centeredness.
Another told me it was no big deal.... and he was
frum. Yet another told me that 12 steps was silly,
cuz "you want to get better,
not learn how to live with
this problem." He put me on meds and did therapy for
10 months while I got progressively worse, to his
amazement. They all helped me and hurt me a bit, in
different respects.
Rabbi Twerski told me
(over the phone) in 1992-ish that I'd probably not
get better unless I did intensive therapy, went to
rehab, or joined a 12-step recovery fellowship. I
told him "thanks", and knew that there was no way in
gehinnom that I'd be able to hide those things
from my wife, and I'd better really try harder!
Eventually I couldn't even hide my addiction from my
wife and even that didn't stop me (though it worked
for a few months - If GYE would've been around then,
I'd have made it onto the 90-day chart for sure! ;-)
It took me five more years to finally rush myself
into whatever help I needed, come what may. I saw
that I couldn't stop.
And I came to SA and
have been sober since, because Hashem obviously
loves me and has the power to help me. But most
importantly, I
let Him. And I needed a lot of help to learn how
to do that, and got it.
So, no. I don't
believe anyone can determine for another that they
are an addict. In my case the experts were right,
but it did no good. As the gemara explains out of
the posuk in mishlei, "taychas g'orah b'leiv meivin -
meyhakos k'sil meyah".
It's gotta come from in my own heart if it'll do any
good - a k'sil like
me just won't really believe it, until I become a meivin
in my own heart.
Besides all that, I
find it hard to believe that most of us are smart
enough to know if someone is an addict or not.
Usually it's trial and error. The only, really sad
question we need to ask ourselves is now much
evidence do we want? I personally know folks who
have been arrested for (blatant) sexual misconduct
and still came away from it basically blaming the cops for entrapment,
rather than admitting that they have a serious
problem.
Along the same vein,
I know talmidei chachomim who have been oiver on
gilui arayos, schmutz, masturbation, you name it,
habitually many times and went for years hiding it
(and some still are). And they say they were not hiding
it because they want to be able to keep doing it,
but because they honestly believe that: "eventually
I'll beat this, I know it! Hashem's just got to help
me out here! So why rock the boat in the meantime
and ruin a great marriage and screw up my children
with divorce? I'm trying. I'll do something about
it!".
Gevalt. A great
marriage? Screw up the children? "I'll beat this"?
Who suffers in the mean time while these and many
other hundreds of yidden like them are "trying
something"? I wonder who has the right to encourage
them to stick with the old-fashioned way and learn
mussar harder, while the family crashes and burns?
What does it do to a 14 year old yeshiva boy to see
his father who taught him how to leig t'fillin last
year, carted away by police for soliciting a minor
for sex in a chatroom (like more than one father I
know), or get divorced because of a destroyed
marriage after years of secret porn (and what it
leads to) driving the parents apart (like other
fathers I know)? What wife deserves this?
OK my rant is over,
and it's too long to read, anyhow. I love you (even
if you fell asleep already!) and am just sharing one
little guys experience and opinion. |
|
|
720. |
Friday ~ 12 Adar, 5770 ~ February 26, 2010
Erev Shabbos Parshas Titzaveh, Erev (Erev) Purim |
|
In Today's Issue
-
The Lesson of Pruim:
Hishtadlus- Is it Us or Him?
-
Attitude Tip of the Day:
Seeking the Light in the Darkness
-
Daily Dose of LAUGHTER:
"Depressed
Person's Chill Spot"
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The
Lesson of Purim
Hishtadlus: Is it Us or is it Him?
By "Battleworn"
R' Tzadok Hacohen of Lublin explains (in the beginning of "Machshivos
charutz") the deepest secrets of the battle with our
evil inclination. He explains that there are two
paths in fighting the Yetzer Hara, and that they are
both legitimate only when used together, i.e.
although some people have more of a connection to
one way and some to the other, neither one is enough
by itself.
One way, is the way
of Yoseph Hatzadik, whose concentration was on
constantly building himself up to be an "Adam
Hashalem". He therefore concentrated very much on
building up his self-control.
The other way is the
way of Malchus Yehudah, where the concentration is
totally on living with Hashem and relying on Him to
save us from the Yetzer.
(Chazal say that the way of Yoseph is more dangerous because if
you c'v fall, you can loose everything. R' Shimshon
Pinkus Zt"l used to talk about this a lot. He kept
on saying that what's going to bring the geulah is
the "Yehudah way" and he brought many proofs to
this.)
R' Tzadok explains
that the holy sons of Yaakov Avinu had a very small
imperfection. While Yoseph excelled in his way and
everyone else excelled in Yehuda's way, each side
felt that the other way is a contradiction to his
way: How can I fully rely on Hashem, if I am working
on my self-control?
The shevatim felt that such a focus on
self-improvement and self-control is a complete
contradiction to their way of bitachon in Hashem!
This - he says - was
the root cause of "Michiras Yoseph".
It was also the reason that Klal Yisroel did not fully accept
the Torah willingly by Har-Sinai. They had
experienced "Yetzias Mitzrayim", which was the
greatest manifestation of the Yehudah way. The Jews
in Egypt had fallen extremely low and they were so
desperately dependent on Hashem, that Hashem broke
all the laws of nature for them. At the time of
Kabbalas HaTorah, the last thing they wanted was to
build themselves up to be a Mamleches Kohanim (a
Kingdom of Priests), because that would seem to make
them less dependent on Hashem and then they wouldn't
be eligible for such Divine intervention.
R' Tzadok goes on to
explain that when the Meraglim gave their report
about how great and fearful the giants of Eretz
Yisroel were, the Jews said: How in the world can we
be expected to fight forces that are so much greater
than us? "Let us return to Egypt" - let us go back
to being totally powerless and desperate, and have
Hashem fight our battles!
So the obvious
question is: Didn't they have a mighty good point?
The answer is -
says R' Tzadok- that if you understand Hashem
himself is the heart of Klal Yisrael, then the
question doesn't start. Yes of-course we need Hashem,
BUT HE'S RIGHT THERE INSIDE OF US! Yes we need to
take responsibility, yes we need to build up our
self-control, yes we need to turn ourselves in to
holier and holier people, yes we need to fight our
own battles, but all this is done only through the
power of Hashem.
By the great miracle
of Purim, Klal Yisroel were finally able to grasp
this, and that is why we willingly accepted the
Torah completely. This was because we saw that we
don't need "Yetzias Mitzrayim" style miracles - we
don't need Hashem to break the laws of nature.
(In-fact it was all only meant to be a one time
occurrence.) We don't need Hashem to "take over". We
don't need it because Hashem is with us always, within nature.
We don't need to be powerless and passive, we just
need to tap in to our inner core. When
we realize that everything we do is only with the
power that Hashem is constantly giving us, then
there is no limit to our power. |
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Attitude Tip of the Day
Seeking the Light in the Darkness
By Shlomo
I heard some tremendous Chizuk from Rabbi Efriam
Wachsman in a shiur titled "Megilas Esther:
Discovering the Depths of Our Neshomos":
(Note: In general, Rabbi Wachsman's shiurim often give chizuk
to those who struggle with the Yetzer Harrah.To hear
his Shiurim, call the Yeshiva at 845-426-3488. There
is an extension for the tape and CD library.)
The Rizhiner explains that in one way, Purim is
greater than Yom Kipur (Yom Ki- Purim. A day
that is only "like" Purim, but not as great).
Yom Kippur atones for the Shavim (Those who return -
i.e. repent), while Purim atones for the Shavim
and the Aino Shavim (those who return and
those who do not return).
What does it mean that Purim atones for the Aino
Shavim, those who do not return?
The Rizhiner explains that Purim is a holy day for
those who repent but yet continue to fall. They are
labeled "Aino Shavim" because they continually have
to face their struggle. Purim is all about seeing
the light in an atmosphere of total darkness. It is
about seeking out Hashem even if we feel we are in
total darkness and may be feeling ashamed or low.
Hashem says "Anochi Hastir Astir Panai ("I will
utterly hide my face from you"), yet in that same
pasuk is the remez (hint) to Esther , our salvation.
Hashem rejoices when we reach out to him, and when
we rejoice in our effort to seek Hashem out.
GYE is about seeking out the light in the dark world
around us. It is about confronting struggles that
have plagued us for years. We may have continued to
fall many times, yet we - as a family - are seeking
out the light to overcome our addictions. We are
finding Hashem in the darkness. That is the true
holy essence of Purim, and that is why Purim is the
happiest day of the year.
May we all tap into the holy day of Purim. May we
all find Hashem in the darkness. May we all have
extra Siatah Dishmayah to overcome our illness and
may we all rejoice in re-discovering ourselves.
A Freylicha Purim! |
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Daily Dose of Laughter
Ki
Be'Simcha Taitzai'u!
For with Simcha you shall go out (of your
struggles)!
Print out jokes from close to 50 pages of our "Depressed
Person's Chill Spot" to read over at your Purim Se'udah and get everybody
ROLLING!
Messages heard on people's answering machines
1. Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is his
refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I'll
stick your message to myself with one of these
magnets.
2. A is for
academics, B is for beer. One of those reasons is
why we're not here. So, leave a message.
3. Hi. This is John:
If you are the phone company, I already sent the
money. If you are my parents, please send money. If
you are my financial aid institution, you didn't
lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe
me money. If you are a female, don't worry, I have
plenty of money.
4. Hi. Now you say
something.
5. Hi, I'm not home
right now, but my answering machine is, so you can
talk to it instead. Wait for the beep.
6. Hello. I am
David's answering machine. What are you?
7. Hi, this is
George. I'm sorry I can't answer the phone right
now. Leave a message and then wait by your phone
until I call you back.
8. Hello, you are
talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving
messages. My owners do not need siding, windows or a
hot tub, and their carpets are clean. They give to
charity through their office and do not need their
picture taken. If you're still with me, leave your
name and number and they will get back to you.
9. This is not an
answering machine - this is a telepathic thought
recording device. After the tone, think about your
name, your number and your reason for calling, and
I'll think about returning your call.
10. Hi. I'm probably
home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave
me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you.
11. If you are a
burglar, then we're probably at home cleaning our
weapons right now and can't come to the phone.
Otherwise, we probably aren't home and it's safe to
leave a message.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A truck driver was driving along on the freeway and noticed a
sign that read: Low Bridge Ahead. Before he knows
it, the bridge is right in front of him and his
truck gets wedged under it. Cars are backed up for
miles. Finally a police car comes up. The cop gets
out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts
his hands on his hips and says, 'Got stuck, huh?'
The truck driver says, 'No, I was delivering this
bridge and I ran out of gas.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Some Good Quotes
"I'm in no condition to drive...wait! I shouldn't listen to
myself, I'm drunk!" - Homer J. Simpson
"You have to stay in
shape. My grandmother, she started walking five
miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we
don't know where the heck she is."
"The pen is mightier
than the sword, and considerably easier to write
with."
"If your wife wants
to learn to drive, don't stand in her way."
"A computer once beat
me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick
boxing."
"I am not a
vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian
because I hate plants." - A. Whitney Brown
"Never take life
seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway".
"Last night I lay in
bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought
to myself, where the heck is the ceiling?" |
|
|
721. |
Monday ~ 15 Adar, 5770 ~ March 1, 2010
Shushan Purim |
|
In Today's Issue
-
Marriage Talk:
Marital Love is Built Outside the Bedroom
-
Testimonial of the Day:
Like Hashem's Hospital
-
Practical Tip of the Day:
Treat Movies Like Lust
-
Daily Dose of Dov:
Scream for Help
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Marriage Talk
Marital Love is Built Outside of the Bedroom
To someone who claims his wife is rarely interested
or in the "mood", Elya (who moderates
this phone conference) writes:
I was recently diagnosed with prostate cancer. As I face the
thought of maybe not ever being with my wife again
(at least for a year), I look back at the 20 years
before I knew
I was an addict and think about all of the times I
manipulated my wife into being with me, when she
really didn't want to. Today, after 10 years
knowing of my
addiction and doing something about it, we have a
very open, trusting and mutual relationship. I
don't get upset when she says no, like I used
to - and then would
act out. And the greatest miracle of all, she asks
me more than I ask her now!
See, one of the
greatest lessons we addicts need to learn is that
sex is optional.
We addicts think, live and breathe sex.
We "sexualize" guilt, anger, loneliness, and pain.
I can tell you that when you can stop resenting your
wife when she refuses
and work on being
intimate with her without sex, you'll
have a much more fulfilling life in general - and
sex life as well! Find out what puts your wife in
the mood (it could be washing the dishes - believe
it or not) or just doing little things around the
house or with the kids, BEFORE she
tells you to.
A woman wants to know
you love her outside the bedroom and then she'll
love you in the bedroom.
Yes it takes work,
just like everything we do in recovery, but it don't
take much to take out the garbage and wash the
dishes without being asked, or to give her flowers
when she knows you're not expecting ANYTHING.
Quite simple, yet extremely effective. |
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Testimonial of the Day
Like Hashem's Hospital
By G.L
I was addicted for twelve years, always looking out and
wondering who can help me. On Sunday, December 31,
2009 (approx 60 days ago), while waiting my wife to
come out of a store, I was reading the news on VIN
when I came across an article called
The Roving Eye. As I was reading the comments,
someone suggested to go to the guardyoureyes website
to get help. Right there and then, I went to your
web site. When I started to see all this great
information I became glued for hours. I must say
since then I did not fall B'H. I now feel greater
then ever. You are far more then a organization, to
me you are like a Hashem's hospital. Thank you!
What worked for me to shred this evil addiction?
1) The
Attitude Handbook is Great.
2) Knowing that I always have a place to go that specializes in
this matter.
3) Seeing other people's struggles, which made it clear to me
that it's a distraction from real life for anyone.
4) Of course,
the GYE handbook and all your other great tools.
5) And seeing how you really mean Hashem and your love to this
great online hospital, makes it all a great place
that helped me.
6) The analysis that you give, that this addiction is often a
runaway from problems of our youth.
7) Controlling it before it gets to a no-return situation.
8) Having restrictions, i.e. not being in the office alone or
not reading certain news sites, etc. |
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Practical Tip of the Day
Treat Movies Like Lust
"Steve", who is clean for a few months already (see his
inspiring thread
here), recently wrote:
When the big chill came these past weeks, I paid to join a
movie download site so we could get old Hollywood
"kosher" movies (that you can't find anymore) so we
could distract the kids who were cooped up and
asking for them.
I kept a copy of the
program on my work comp, and when it went back to
the office, I started downloading & watching action
flicks I missed all these years, instead of working.
See? - Instead of watching P, I was becoming an
addict again to this stuff, and work and life was
suffering once again.
On Friday I got a
phone call from a client whose work is now two
months late, and they started telling me how I've
ruined my reputation and now have a name as someone
who does great work but takes forever to deliver.
It's like hitting rock bottom for me.
B"H I decided to be
brave and honest with myself (an influence from the
great guys on this forum), and on Motzoi Shabbos I
went into my office and deleted all the movies I had
downloaded and uninstalled the movie program. I am
determined to rebuild my reputation, and I'm
starting by treating Movies and videos the same way
I treated lust - no second looks. And starting
today, I'm gonna stay away from anything on-line
that distracts me from learning, working and family
time, bli neder.
May Hashem give me
the strength and ability to put this all into
practice.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Note: Besides for movies being addictive in their own right, a
huge waste of time and an escape from "real
life" (like the addiction was), they are also
packed with triggers for lust addicts, and that
goes even for old-time movies and children's movies
today. Anyone who struggles with lust would be wise
to avoid movies like fire! (See
this funny article by Arutz Sheva Blogger, Tzvi
Fishman). |
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Daily Dose of Dov
Dov is sober in SA for over 10 years. See his story
here.
Scream For Help
Someone wrote on the forum:
I'm trying to defeat this giant, and I have faith that I will...
I'm done. I just can't live two different
lives anymore. I'm a Jew and I'm so very lucky to
have a beautiful wife who adores me.. I better quit
while I'm ahead... I'm sorry and embarrassed of my
actions. I'm not saying that the Yetzer Hara is
going to quit whispering in my ear, but I'm going to
"Change the Channel" in my mind when he does... I'm
confident that HaShem is doing things in my life
right now... I feel like I'm going to be Ok for the
first time in a long time... I can't look at filth
and look into the face of my beautiful faithful wife
that HaShem has given to me any longer..
Please forgive me HaShem..
Dov Responds:
I love "Change the channel"! Thanks - I hope to use it
the next time you-know-what....
Now please get your fur-lined, regulation, chassidishe boxing-shtreimel
on now, OK?
I have heard remonstrations (look it up, it's really a word)
just like this from many folks, many times.
Your sincerity is not
in question. All I come to say is that I do not know
personally of anyone who was able to"defeat this
giant", as you called it, on their own.
If you would be alone
c"v in a dark alley and accosted by a few big thugs
with knives, would your reaction be, "hmmm, I trust
that Hashem will give me the strength to beat this
crowd (like Bruce Lee in the movies), and I'll be
OK"? I think most of us would assess the situation
rather quickly, realize we have no chance, and start
screaming for help. Perhaps you believe it's best to
at least 'go down swinging'.
Well, in this problem,
there is no
'going down swinging'. It gets ugly in a hurry, and
gets uglier still, and remains ugly, spoiling it for
those around us, r"l.
So, scream for help.
Consider giving up the fight with this giant if you
believe that it's really too big for you. SA helped
me do just that, and helped me learn how to actually
depend on Hashem rather than just talking or acting as
though I put it in Hashem's hands, while really depending
on myself.
Anyone can say they
depend on Hashem. But for me, the only way to
eventually truly come to do it,
was (and still is) through admitting utter personal
defeat. It seems I am just too screwed up to help
Him take care of me, and I need to get the heck out
of His way basically.
Nu. It's really a wonderful derech avodah, and life is
better for my wife, who likes me a lot, too.
You may now remove
the bumper-shtreimel safety device and get to work
in whatever way you see fit. The road is rarely
smooth, but Hashem will be with You as long as you
don't give up asking for help! |
|
|
722. |
Tuesday ~ 16 Adar, 5770 ~ March 2, 2010 |
|
In Today's Issue
-
Torah Thought of the Day: "Yeshno
Am Echad" - Being of Service to Others
-
Practical Tip of the Day:
The Filter Evolution
-
Attitude Tip of the Day:
Misinterpretation (Part 1)
-
Daily Dose of Dov:
Misinterpretation (Part 2)
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Torah
Thought of the Day
"Yeshno Am Echad"
Finding ways to be of service to others is one of the
greatest secrets of long-term sobriety
By "Steve" (a Talmid of
Duvid Chaim)
I heard b'shem the Chassam Sofer that when Haman slandered the
Jews to Achashveirosh and said "Yeishno Am Echad..."
(There is this one nation...) he was saying "YeShanu"
(they are sleeping), meaning the One Nation is now
sleeping in their achdus, they are spread out all
over the globe and have no unity, and now is the
time that we can get the upper hand on them.
Esther's answer to Mordechai was to "gather the Jews
together" and rebuild the achdus, as they all prayed
for each other's lives.
We are weakest and
most vulnerable when our connection to each other,
to the Torah and to Hashem is broken, but when we
rebuild that union, we get Hashem back on our side
and through Him become invincible, for He guards us
saves us from our enemies.
Achdus, true unity,
is not just a warm fuzzy feeling to be hidden away
in one's heart. What builds our people's connection
to Hashem and the Torah we received through Moshe,
is the achdus we build through being "nosei b'ol im
chaveiro", putting our own shoulders to the work, to
help carry the burden of our friend.
With all the Tzedakah
given out Purim Day, we had a tremendous outpouring
of Achdus. Now that we are all out of money, we can
still move on to get involved in the lives of
struggling families, children, parents, the lonely
and the sick. Visit, get involved in tzedakah
organizations that pack & deliver food to the needy,
be a Big Brother or a Big Sister, offer to tutor a
child from a poor family - ease the burden any way
one can, there are so many ways that have very
little to do with money and have everything to do
with time. (And of course, true chesed begins at
home, with our wife and kids!)
We addicts suffer
from isolation and poor self image. We can get
ourselves out of isolation and really
understand our self-worth by finding ways to be of
service to our fellow Yidden. And even though, at
first, we might be doing this for our own needs
(i.e. therapeutically), eventually, it will awaken
our hearts to be doing it more for their
needs and less for my own - Mitoch SheLo L'shma, Ba
L'shma.
By finding new ways
to see ourselves in a positive light, we can combat
the negative self-images that feed off of our R.I.D.
(Restlessness, Irritability and Discontent) and lead
us down the path of acting-out and other self
destructive behaviors. When I become valuable to
other people, I have more value to myself, and I
rebuild the shattered relationship not only between
myself and Hashem, but between Hashem and the rest
of our people. And I can learn Torah with more
excitement and earnest desire, because I feel closer
to Hashem and feel his desire for me. |
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Practical Tip of the Day
THE FILTER EVOLUTION
By "Eye.nonymous" (clean for 123 days!)
When I first heard
about getting a filter, I was very resistant. It
was about a month or two until my wife and I sat
down together, looked through the information and
installed K9.
One catalyst was my involvement in
this forum. Posting messages like, "Woops, just
slipped on the computer again. BTW, I don't have a
filter." The fault--the stupidity even--became
obvious.
I just thought I was
too "curious" and too "multi-faceted" to do without
free internet surfing.
I eventually gave in.
At first it hurt--OH,
I CAN'T SEE THIS SITE! I felt so limited. After a
while, I started to appreciate that it was for my
own benefit. After a while, I REALLY didn't want to
see things accidentally that I shouldn't see.
I got used to it.
Then, I started to
notice that I'm just wasting lots of time on the
computer. It's an ESCAPE and an ADDICTION, at least
equal (if not worse) to this lust addiction.
Stopping to waste
time was part of the same recovery process.
I don't have a
white-list filter. (But, I've got K9 set up that it
practically does the same thing now - see
this page for info). At first, I never would
have been able to accept such a thing. But now, I
see that I REALLY only need a handful of sites. If
I stray from those, I know--I'M WASTING TIME
AGAIN!!! What about my wife? What about my
children? Maybe I could actually be on time for
afternoon seder!
I used to use the
computer much longer than I expected and afterwards,
I'd leave begrudgingly, "Oh no... I still need to do
this, and this, and that..."
Now, I go on to the
computer in the first place thinking "I REALLY don't
want to use this thing much. Let's just take care
of business and get off as fast as I can." I have
people waiting for me who are more important.
If I didn't have
work, I used to turn it on and pretend to be
working.
Now, If I don't have real work to do, I can go a day or two
without turning it on. |
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Attitude Tip of the Day
Misinterpretation
(Part 1)
Sometimes when we're out there in the
big world surrounded by all the temptations wherever
we seem to look, we cry out in our hearts "Dear G-d,
where are you? I can't see you, I can't feel you!
All I see is a beauty of a different kind, wherever
I look!"...
But then the answer comes to our hearts from G-d, "my son, does there
exist any beauty besides me? I am in the beauty you
see as well!".
For G-d is indeed everywhere, and He - and only He - is the
source of all beauty. The beauty that we see and
crave here on this world is only a mere shadow of a
manifestation of G-d's beauty.
We need to train our minds to realize that there
are no two types of beauty. There is only one source
of beauty in the world. What we see in women is also
the beauty of G-d. But, G-d has decreed that in
order to merit perceiving His true beauty, we must
first learn to turn our eyes away from the physical
beauty - that is only his creation, and instead turn
our hearts to Him - i.e. to the SOURCE. In His great
wisdom, G-d determined that only one who is ready to
give up the physical manifestations of G-d's beauty
should be worthy of experiencing the true beauty of
G-d, in a much more sublime way. |
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Daily Dose of Dov
Dov is sober in SA for over 10 years. See his story
here.
Misinterpretation
(Part 2)
Dov Responds to the above post:
My sponsor once told me (when feeling
lust/temptation to lust) to try saying: "Hashem,
whatever it is that I am really looking
for in that image, let me find it in You!", and meaning
it, and trusting Him
to eventually do it. It really took the edge off and
connected me to Hashem instead of to the the lust
object. I use this occasionally. Clearly, going
after the lust doesn't even come close to
satisfying me, the big hole inside remains - or
grows, when lust is used. So it's clearly something else I
was killing myself for. Mamesh b'nafsho yovi "lachmo"!
It sounds along the lines of what Guard posted
above. It's a free tool. Go ahead, take it!
Incidentally, a while later, he told me he didn't
really like that approach cuz it was too selfish for
him and he prefers to just give it up to Hashem and
ask Him to help him be concerned with His Will,
rather than with any of his desires, be they
spiritual or otherwise. Nu. For everything it's
time. Harbei drochim
laMokom!! |
|
|
723. |
Wednesday ~ 17 Adar, 5770 ~ March 3, 2010 |
|
In Today's Issue
-
Battle Communication:
The Answer to My Prayers
-
Practical Tip of the Day:
One Computer Only
-
Daily Dose of Dov:
Misinterpretation (Part 3)
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Battle
Communication
The Answer to My Prayers
"Steve" posted recently on the forum:
We all know the old joke about the guy on the roof that drowned
in a flood, and complained in heaven that G-d didn't
personally save him when he prayed, and G-d answered
- "What do you want from Me? I sent you 2 boats and
a helicopter...!"
I prayed and prayed
for help, for a solution, for guidance to get out of
drowning in lust. I didn't even know it was called a
Lust Addiction. I never would have imagined that I
fit the definition of a Sexaholic. My life was out
of control and I couldn't help myself, I didn't know
where to turn. All I had left was tefillah, which
was its own train wreck. But I must have had at
least ONE good tefillah or at least sincere remorse,
cuz Hashem answered me. He answered me by sending me
to GYE, and ESPECIALLY to
Duvid Chaim's Group Call. Its NOT a coincidence
that happened to come my way. IT'S THE ANSWER TO MY
PRAYERS. It's what I have been waiting for all these
years.
But how do I treat
this answer? I must grab it like a lifeline. I
should be paying attention, focusing on the mussar
and chizuk messages and reading along, internalizing
my feelings and asking questions, responding to
points, sharing my thoughts and "Awe & Wonder"
moments, and bask in the peace that there are others
like me who understand and go through the same
internal battles I do; just knowing I'm not alone in
this, that I'm NORMAL.
My Yezer Hara knows
he'll be finished if I succeed with this program, so
he's gonna work OVERTIME to save his skin, and throw
roadblocks at me every chance he gets. First it's
the appointments that keep wanting to schedule
themselves davka at noon, the Call Hour. Then
he'll entice me to look at my emails to g-chat on
the side, to get distracted during the call so I
only listen with half an ear. "I could always catch
up on the reading later" I say to myself. But then
the precious moments of inspiration are lost, I miss
a critical comment or revelation by a shipmate or by
the Captain, a personal interlude of camaraderie
between the guys, and the Yezer Hara jumps out and
says "oh, too bad, what's the point if you cant
catch everything? Just give this up..."
But this is what I
asked for, what I prayed for! I will NOT give up!! I
will NOT lose my faith in the promise of recovery
just cuz I'm not there yet! It took me YEARS to get
to this point, I certainly can't expect myself to
change overnight! I must be patient, and give myself
the time it takes to grow and change through Duvid
Chaim's careful guidance, and through the 12 Steps.
It took me 52 years
to get to this point. The program is at most 13
weeks long, 4 days a week, for one hour a day.
THAT'S 52 HOURS!! One hour per year of my life! Now
if someone told me he could guarantee me a solution
to a major problem in my life for one hour a year,
OF COURSE I would jump in and stick to it. And those
52 hours vs. my entire future, well, it's a great
investment.
So I'm gonna be as
careful as I can not to miss, to be there on time or
call in as soon as possible each day, and once I'm
on, I'm gonna treat it like time in the Beis Medrash
and turn off the cell phone and emails. How could I
treat this Gift from HKB"H with a laze-faire
casualness?
Plus, we have an
amazing crew, I am in awe just listening to them,
sharing and beginning to open up to each other.
These are guys I can trust with my feelings and
questions, with my soul. And I have so much to learn
from all of them. I look forward to each hour with
them so much!
If you haven't joined the new cycle of
Duvid Chaim's phone conference call yet, it's
still not too late to join now!
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Practical Tip of the Day
One Computer Only
By "Tzamanafshi"
Here is one Eitza that has worked for me (In addition to
K-9 on my computer without knowing the
password). I made a Neder that I would not touch any
computer besides my own. Meaning, even if I want to
check my e-mail- or a web sight quickly- I will not
touch anyone else's computer. Even if this means
great inconvenience or lugging around my own laptop
everywhere. I found that having all computer's assur
no matter what, this psychologically closes the
opportunity, as opposed to being plagued by huge
Nisyonos every time I chanced upon a computer that
didn't have a filter on it (starting by checking
something up and then going from there...). Even at
a library - I would ask the librarian to look the
book up - (by acting as if I'm computer illiterate).
The addiction is so insidious though. One time,
my Yetzer Hara
managed to get around this by convincing me that the
Neder only covered touching the computer - wherein I
found myself fingering at keyboard/mouse through a
towel!!! For the Short term - I changed the wording
of the Neder to even looking at the screen of
another computer!!
Note: To make
Nedarim safely and effectively, please see the
advice on
this page and on
this page of our website. |
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Daily Dose of Dov
Dov is sober in SA for over 10 years. See his story
here.
Misinterpretation
(Part 3)
Yesterday (in "Misinterpretation" - parts 1 & 2) we brought
the idea that what we seek in lust in really a
misinterpretation of our desire for G-d. I'd like to
continue with this idea today by bringing a
beautiful post from Dov in response to someone who
posted the following question on the forum:
Ok, I fell because I looked at photos. Why did I do that?
Because I get a "high" looking at beauty. I
appreciate G-d's beauty in the world. Unfortunately,
that leads to waste.... I feel that "staring" is a
part of me. It's not like not eating kosher. There's
something natural about a guy staring at a pretty
woman. How can G-d expect us to not do behavior that
is natural for us guys?
Dov Responds:
First of all, whaddayamean it's not natural for a guy to want
treif? If he's used to treif, he wants more
treif - we all have favorite foods, favorite
restaurants, etc. So do the treif guys.
Second, who said that
G-d expects us not to
appreciate gorgeous women?! But what is pretty,
really? Yeah, it implies sexual activity for the
"guy", but isn't the beauty in any woman an
apportionment of G-d's own beauty? If not, then
where does it come from? Have you ever cried
listening to Motzart, seeing a child laugh, or
feeling true love for your wife, or even a friend?
Where do these things come from if not from G-d
Himself? The beauty is real. I believe it's G-d's.
So why go for the girl if
we can go straight for the G-d?
She is but a spark, a shadow of His seductive
and incredible beauty. This is clear in the s'forim.
One who has a relationship with Hashem eventually
lusts for closeness and attachment to Him with a
constant preoccupation. The RMB"M says this clearly
in the beginning of Hilchos Yesodei Hatorah. In the
mitzvah of Ahava, He says that the lust for Hashem
(one of the six constants!) is like the lust for a
woman that can fill the mind of a man all
day long!
It boils down to what
you/I really want:
I can keep running
after (the joke) of an image of a woman I know, a
woman herself, a porn image, a fantasy - what will I get?
Think a few scenarios through to the very end: the
woman I may want has her own will
and life, necessarily, including parents, brothers
and sisters, body odor...sorry...and won't always
put me first
(except as long as it takes to get me interested and
devoted to her, perhaps)... As much as that's the
fantasy we all crave... the pretty (paid) image on
the screen or paper will only grow into more
powerful and advanced lusts within me clamoring for
enactment - till I cross that next boundary that
leads to - what? What end? Will I leave my wife? And
if I respond in my heart "hell yes, I will", then
where will that get me? To whom? To that
true, me-adoring love of my life that will finally
satisfy the lust I have forever? Really?
I have thought this
through in years past, always to the bitter end. Do
I really want to get old with
this shiksa? I will, of course, one day.... so will
she. Will we take care of each other as all old
people are destined to do? Is that my joy? And if I
just want to use her for the day or night, what does
that say about my future? What next? Only more
desire for someone even prettier, of course. Don't I
know this in my very heart? I need nor want
anyone to give me a shmuz about it. I am through
with mussar about this - I am a recovering sex
pervert. I look to sex and lust to answer my every
need and it's stupid!
My lusting, the
lusting of a man with a shred of conscience,
inexorably leads me to shocking disappointment. It
always wears off. And every woman comes with her
blemishes. The ones without any blemishes on their
outsides must have them somewhere,
like in bitter selfishness, self-absorption, anger,
or demands.... Those thing - when you live with them
- become incredibly ugly. They have a horrible
stench. And that's what I smell when I think it
through. Two real people always means
two contending wills - and that's forever.
So what is in it for me? |
|
|
724. |
Thursday ~ 18 Adar, 5770 ~ March 4, 2010 |
|
In Today's Issue
-
12-Step Attitude:
Walking Into the Inferno Called
"Life"
-
"The Yetzer Hara is Pulling out the Stops"
-
Take-Mode or Give-Mode?
-
Attitude Tip of the Day:
What Does "Accepting I'm An Addict" Mean?
-
Practical Tip of the Day:
Lessons from a Fall
-
Daily Dose of Dov:
Dov
Talks About Purim
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
12-Step Attitude
Walking Into the Inferno Called "Life"
By Duvid Chaim, moderator of
the 12-Step phone conference
(which just began a new cycle).
Some people want to know if one cycle through the
12-Steps is enough to be fully healed. This question
actually reveals an underlying character defect that
all addicts have. We're all looking for that "magic
bullet" that will give us the quick
fix. "I want to be healed now so I
can still enjoy the lusting -but
be in control of it!"
Therein lies one facet of our problem: by definition
(Step 1), we are powerless over
our addiction and our lives have become
unmanageable. And therefore, Chevra, we will never
be in control of
our disease. Just like someone with allergies can
never "conquer" the allergy, neither will we be able
to conquer our addiction.
But before you decide to give up on the 12-Step
program, take comfort in knowing that the goal of
our Program is not to heal you from lusting -
instead (and here is where it gets so worthwhile)
the goal of the Program is to give you the tools to walk into the "inferno" called Life. As
we discussed on the call, the analogy is like a
person who walks off the street into a burning
building and expects not to get burned. Instead, we
call in well trained and well equipped firemen, who
rescue the building and the occupants because
they've got the special clothing and the tools to
handle the heat.
By working the Steps, you also will have the tools
you need to deal with the stuff of life that leads
us into anger, jealousy, resentment, excitability
and more, all of which are the underlying reasons
that we run to escape into our addiction.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"The Yetzer Hara is Pulling Out the Stops"
"Steve", a Talmid of Duvid Chaim, writes:
Just finished day 80, and the Big 90 is only 10 days away!!
The Yetzer Hara is
pulling out the stops now, but I'm gonna stand tall.
"Just Say No to Drugs-of-choice"!! I gotta remember
it's like an allergy, I can't touch a drop of lust.
CNN, outa here - I don't need to see the picture
icons that I'm never gonna click on. I don't need
your ads. Good Bye to humor sites and funny videos.
My LIFE is waiting for me. Goodbye distractions and
GOOD RIDDANCE!!
Facing life is scary
at first, but you know what? IT'S LIFE!! And I'd
rather have THAT than the alternative, any day.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Take-Mode or Give-Mode?
"Eye.Nonymous" (also on Duvid Chaim's calls) writes:
Here's one thing that came to mind recently, inspired by DC's
call (but it's my own musings):
When I'm outside, why is it so hard to guard my eyes?
I think it's because I go on "TAKER" mode as soon as I step
outside. "I'm gonna take, I'm gonna look at whoever
there is to look at."
I'm trying to be more aware of this. As Duvid Chaim says, being
a "GIVER" is supposedly the remedy. But, I'm not
sure yet exactly how to carry this out practically.
One thing I can do, is at least try not to be a
TAKER.
But, what can I GIVE? One thought that I've started to work on
is, that by not looking, I am GIVING these ladies
respect, dignity and privacy. Sure they're outside,
but that's not a free ticket for everyone to stare
at them. (Sort of like if you see a guy on a
wheel-chair. We understand that it's a breach of his
dignity to treat him like a spectacle.)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
If you haven't joined the new cycle of
Duvid Chaim's phone conference call yet, it's
still not too late to join now! |
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Attitude Tip of the Day
What Does "Accepting I'm an Addict" Mean?
By "Rage" (RATM)
One of the main principles we learn on GYE is that after a
certain point, it's not just a struggle with the
Yetzer Hara anymore - it's an addiction. But many of
us can easily say "oh, I am an addict" soon after
landing here... Maybe we like saying
that, because in some ways we feel absolved from
responsibility by just saying "oh, I can't help
myself, I am an addict"... And it's true that we may
be in the grip of something much stronger than we
are. But accepting that we are addicts means more
than that... It means accepting the things that
addicts must do...
A guy can say "I accept that I have a cholesterol problem", but
if he's still eating double cheese burgers with
bacon, he hasn't really accepted that he has a
cholesterol problem, has he? Accepting we have an
addiction means accepting the rules that
addicts live by... And the one most important rule
is, that we cannot allow for any lust... If we give
lust the slightest foot in the door, it's all
over... The key is to avoid lust at all costs...
Yes, this is easier said than done, but how many of
us call ourselves addicts but continue to dabble
here and there with lust and then wonder why we
can't seem to make any progress? The tiniest speck
of lust in us will explode like the big bang into
worlds and worlds of negative behavior and acting
out...
We must accept the terms by which a lustaholic must live by...
Accept that we are not allowed some of the things
that the rest of this world enjoys... We must get
ready to live a new life; one that is different than
what we have been doing up till now, and one that is
different from many other members of society. |
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Practical Tip of the Day
Lessons from a Fall
By "Haba Letaher"
Here is what caused my recent fall after 77 amazing days clean:
Sometimes when I work, I listen to non-Jewish music (I know,
that is just one more hypocrisy in my life, I
prepare Torah classes while listening to non-Jewish
music. Welcome to my private little island of
hypocrisy...) Chazal were so right about Kol Isha...
Sometimes when a song by a lady would pop up on my
online streaming music station, I would Google her
to check out what she looked like, and from there, I
fell like a stone. Chazal are so right. They
mamesh understood us. YES, Kol b'isha is an erva
(especially when backed up by racy photos you can
easily Google).
I will try to stop
listening to Kol Isha, and I will also add another
layer of protection with
Covenant Eyes - which will have someone
monitoring what I look at.
You guys helped me
get farther than I've ever gotten in a good five
years, and I'm sure you will help me rise up
again... Things were going so well, my
marriage was going awesome, I was sooo appreciative
of my wife, and things were sailing smoothly. I must
get right back up! |
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Daily
Dose of Dov
Dov is sober in SA for over 10 years. See his story
here.
Dov Talks About Purim
Purim was a neis nistar, Hashem was hidden all through
the story - all through
it. We dress up in disguises or funny costumes, and
are hidden too.
Well, Hashem saved me from my own hidden life; my own disguise
that I wore all the time - oh, it was incredibly
draining! And
stupid.
Life was and is so
much better without lust - the very thing I was
convinced beyond a shadow of a doubt that I couldn't
live without! Life is real, it's geshmak, it's
useful, it's real, it's consumingly interesting and
full of surprises, and... did I say that "it's
real"?
Gevalt! What a fool I
was! Nu, but that's an addict. A real fool.
And I am still
a "fool". It's just that this here
fool is a fool for
Hashem! Share my mistakes with others?
Lead with my weakness?
Give up to win?
Good for free?
Trust in an invisible G-d? What am I nuts!?!
So it seems....
Lets all have a
l'chayim and say this foolish thing together: "To
heck with me - what can I do for You/you?"
Kinda silly, huh? |
|
|
725. |
Friday ~ 19 Adar, 5770 ~ March 5, 2010 |
|
In Today's Issue
-
Parsha Talk 1 - Practical Tip of the Day:
See you Tomorrow!
-
Parsha Talk 2 - Attitude Tip of the Day:
The Test Was Getting Back Up
-
Testimonial of the Day: Living with this Avodah
-
Daily Dose of Dov:
How Do You Define an "Addict"?
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Parsha
Talk (1): Ki-Sisa ~ Practical Tip of the Day
See you Tomorrow!
By: "bardichev"
This weeks Parsha teaches us about the classic fall:
The chet ha-egel - the Golden Calf.
Many lessons can be
learned and applied to our struggle.
Here is one: (Bards-b-q
style of course :-)
We find when the Jews
approached Aharon Hakohen to help the with their
idol, he announced: "Chag
LaHashem Machar - Tomorrow will be a holiday!"
Aharon Hakohen!!??
What's going on??
Was he helping them
worship??
Ella Mai??
Aharon Hakohen is teaching all of Klal Yisrael a
great and effective tool how to deal with the Yetzer
Hara.
Machar!
Tomorrow! Manyana!! Not now! Shpeter!
Sometimes when we are
so fired up,
all logical answers fall on deaf ears.
We can take a lesson
from Aharon Hakohen.
Yes, you can at least
push off the Yetzer Hara till tomorrow!! |
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Parsha
Talk (2): Ki Sisa ~ Attitude Tip of the Day
Chet Ha'egel: The Test Was Getting Back Up!
By "Yosef Hatzadik" on
the forum
The gemara says that
K'lal Yisroel were not re'uyin
le'oso ma'aseh, they were not really on such a
low level as to commit a terrible aveiro as
idolatry, elo
lehoros teshuvah lerabim, to teach everyone that
even for such an aveira, they CAN still do teshuvah.
Perhaps this may be
understood as follows: They didn't really have
bechira whether to do the aveiro or not. The actual
aveiro was not the test that Hashem was testing them
with. Rather, Hashem wanted to see what they will do
after they were nichshal. Will they
just become depressed and dwell in their sorrow, or
will they move on and move up?
Lehoros teshuva
lerabim, every one of us can think about this
point AFTER we slipped. (This is not an excuse to
set out on the wrong path, chas ve'sholom.) We can
think that maybe, in this case, I didn't really have
a bechira in deciding not to guard my eyes. I
strayed. I saw. I started slipping. I stumbled. I
sank. Now what?? I am worthless. I am a hopeless
addict. I am a lost case.... I lost my connection to
Hashem. I may as well do another aveiro? ABSOLUTELY
NOT!!!!!! Hashem didn't close his eyes. He didn't
stop recording. He sees me in my low moments and he
sees me as I get up again. Maybe, just maybe, He is
the one who pushed me down because he wanted to see
me get up. He enjoys seeing me get up from the
depths even more than He enjoys it when I coast
along at a high altitude without any bumps. So HE
PUSHED ME DOWN. Now what? Now I will give him what
he wants. I will show him how I get back up!
The above may be
alluded to in the gemoro, bemokom
she'ba'alei teshuva omdim ein tzadikim gemurim
yecholim la'amod. Tzadikim don't give Hashem
this specific nachas of getting back up from the
depths.
There are times that
Hashem takes away our Ruchniyes'dige levels and
lowers our gashmius to the depths.... only to see
what we will do then! |
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Testimonial of the Day
Living With This Avodah
By "DesperateJew"
B"H, I have made strides toward changing my life for the
better. I joined
the 90 day chart, but I don't live for it, I
live with it. I enjoy updating the
chart but I don't think about what day it is every
moment of the day.
I also had
the password Gabai change the passwords to
several email accounts that I was using to
communicate with 'friends' whom I realized were
actually just fueling my addiction. Great people,
but not great for my life. I felt tremendously
empowered when I tried to sign in to those accounts
the following day and I was locked out. I actually
threw my hands up in triumph.
For me, it has been
great to realize that this ordeal will help my
entire relationship with Hashem. I am working on not
hoping to be 'done' with this avodah, rather
living with this avodah. After all, it is not an
avodah of 'sur meirah' as I have looked at it until
now, but it is primarily one of 'asei tov' - living
more for others and for Hashem. And I have seen the
past two weeks improve in several ways, as a result
of my developing relationship with the Aibishter. |
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Daily
Dose of Dov
Dov is sober in SA for over 10 years. See his story
here.
How Do You Define an "Addict"?
The label "addict" does not have to mean "one who has done really bad stuff" - or at least "stuff worse than I have".
It doesn't mean one has to actually voyeur, expose
himself, or be oiver (transgress on) gilui
arayos (ie. with another person - masturbation
doesn't seem to 'count' for some reason ??) in order to really be
"an addict".
As a matter of fact,
I know of plenty folks who have been
oiver on gilui arayos and are most likely not addicts.
I doubt that the yidden in the midbar who were oiver
with the shiksas at sheettim where addicts. I doubt
that most men
and women who have affairs are addicts - per some
surveys, almost 30% of Americans have,
and the idea that all of them are addicts is just
plain silly, in my opinion. Of course, it may
comfort us to point a finger and say "Oh, he's that horrible?
He must be an addict."... but since when is being
an addict an insult? Is
it, do you think?
You may feel that, as
yidden, we are held to a higher standard and maybe
we qualify as "out of control" with less bad
behavior than non-Jews. Perhaps masturbation is
horrible enough... Rabbi Akiva may even tell us so
(though he might feel the exact same shock about 150 other things
we do nowadays). But I digress.
My point is, that I
do not believe that "badness" is what defines how
sick we are. I believe that it has very little to
do with whether we are "addicts". Not being an
expert on addiction, of course, all I can suggest is
for you to read the First Step of the
Big Book of AA. The realizations that brought us
here, were:
1- that our
formerly trusted and depended upon behavior (using
lust, alcohol, gambling, heroin, whatever) actually
makes our lives unmanageable -
it screws up our lives and the lives of those around
us, and...
2- that we
came to the conclusion that we cannot successfully stop.
We do not have to prove that
we cannot stop (how do you prove something that
hasn't happened yet?), rather, to me, it is just as
Rav Noach zt"l would define beginner's Emunah/Belief
in Hashem: "I have enough evidence to honestly
accept that there really is a G-d." Then begins
the lifelong mitzva of Yidias haBorei,
yisborach Sh'mo.
In the same way,
every recovering addict I know, has come to believe
that he or she is an addict by weight of the evidence that
they are
not able to get better by their own power -
after all, it was your/my very best thinking
and efforts that got us exactly in this
deep trouble, right? Wasn't it? If not, I suggest
you just "try harder" and then we'll talk again.
So to sum up, the definition of
"addict" is exactly these 2 things, per my own
experience. The behavior may have been "mild" like
schmutzy magazines or internet, masturbation, or
more. It's
not the behavior that matters - it's what it does to
your life that is the issue, to me. The
pivotal point here boils down to pure (enlightened)
self-interest, not
morality nor even
Hashem's Will. This is plain to me, though others
twist themselves into a religiomoralistic pretzel
over it.
"Can I take it any more?" If I perceive that I can, and perhaps
will be able to just stop tomorrow, then I
will keep using my drug. Period. And that's what I
call an addict. Like me.
So, what it all comes
down to is either humility....or
humiliation.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
To sum up Dov's words: Once we have determined that
(1) our former "friend" is making our lives
unmanageable and that (2) we cannot stop on our own,
we have the humility to admit we're addicts, and
only then will we really reach out for the help we
need to stop. |
|
|
726. |
Sunday ~ 21 Adar, 5770 ~ March 7, 2010 |
|
In Today's Issue
-
Testimonial of the Day:
Proudest Moment of Recovery
-
Attitude Tip of the Day:
Chasing Illusions
-
A Mention in JPost Today:
Haredim declare war on the Internet
-
Link of the Day: A Shiur on Tikkun Habris by Rabbi
Eitan Feiner
-
Personal Victory of the Day:
Because You Don't Want Me To
-
Daily Dose of Dov 1:
You've Surely Gained a Lot
-
Daily Dose of Dov 2:
Which Hard Work do you Choose?
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Testimonial of the Day
PROUDEST MOMENT OF RECOVERY
By "Letakein"
(a woman who is clean on our network for over half a
year)
I was doing library
with a class of 5th graders.
One of the girls
starts telling me about the books that her mother
reads; "love books", and the title of the current
novel that her mother's reading.
"But she doesn't let me read them".
And then she looks at
me with her big brown eyes wide and asks, "Morah, do
you read love books?"
And I looked her in
the eye and said the proudest "No" I ever said in my
life.
I am so happy and
thankful to be able to answer such a question with a
true, honest "No".
No one noticed, and she just continued her day. It was quiet in
the library.
But when she left, I
cried.
I cried from relief
and from pride and from gratitude that I'm where I
am today.
It feels so good to
be clean. The days of darkness are behind me.
Sometimes they creep up and poke their head out, but
to have that girl ask me that, and to be able to
give that answer - was a moment I don't think I'm
ever going to forget. |
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Attitude Tip of the Day
Chasing Illusions
"Trying123" writes chizuk to someone on the forum:
When we feel Tension/stress/anxiety/whatever you wana call it,
the mind automatically searches for comfort...
We automatically
reach for our good (read: bad) old comforter...
Thing is, it never
delivers on it's promises... It may or may not sooth
us for a few minutes, but then it turns you into a
wreck...
The minute of relief
that pornography promises is so fleeting, empty, and
meaningless.
Will it really make
you happier? Will it really deliver the effect it
promises?
However, the need may
be so overwhelming that rationalizing with it won't
work... That's where we come in... We are here for
you... We are rooting for you... We want you to be
truly happy. The real thing...
Search for real
answers...
What will really make you happy?
What will have a true meaningful long lasting soothing effect?
Etc. Etc.
Grab on to those...
They do exist, its a matter of finding them...
The real answers are sometimes more difficult to attain...
But the end result makes it so worth it...
We were put here on
this world for our own good. Hashem wants us to be
happy. His test is to see whether we will muster the
strength to go after the real thing,
the things that truly bring happiness, instead of
chasing illusions... |
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
We Got A Mention in Jpost Today!
By JONATHAN ROSENBLUM
"After the evening minyan on a recent trip to the United
States, a 40-something man beseeched me to write
about a Web site called GuardYourEyes, which
provides tools for those who have become pornography
addicts through the Internet. He did not explicitly
tell me he was one such addict, but the fervor with
which he prayed suggested his personal torment." |
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Link
of the Day
A Shiur on Tikun Habris By Rabbi Eitan Feiner
"7up" writes:
I 'happened' to listen to
this shiur today and its all about tikun
habris, yesodos haolam, Yosef hatzaddik etc.
Rabbi Eitan Feiner is an amazing speaker and
wonderful person too. So is his wife. Role models
for life:-) |
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Personal Victory of the Day
Because You Don't Want Me To
By "ShemirasEinayim"
Does anyone know what it feels like to sit in-front of a 72''
widescreen at 4am without a soul in sight, and with
10 bookshelves lined with DVDs of every sort, and to
tell the ribono shel olam:
"Tatte, the only
reason I did not turn it on is because you don't
want me to."
Ashreinu mah tov
chelkainu Uma Naim Goraleinu |
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Daily
Doses of Dov
Dov is sober in SA for over 10 years. See his story
here.
You've Surely Gained a Lot
Dov writes to someone who has been having ups and downs on our
forum for already a year, and wants to give up:
Many, many folks I know had to go through a long period of time
where they had ups and downs and struggled, lost and
won. Nu. We are each an olam malei (a
complete world) and it feels like everything,
inside. It's hard to see how lucky we are even when
we are not sober.
Having a deeper awareness of:
-
Hashem's presence with you,
-
of your own frailty,
-
of your own gifts and value, and
-
of the beauty in other people...
... surely in your time here you have gotten some of all those.
Ashrecha. Don't give
up on yourself ever, and the best is yet to be seen.
For what it's worth that's a promise, from one addict to
another :-)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Which Hard Work Do You Choose?
Someone writes on the forum:
The reason I would like to avoid the 'addict' label is because
if I am an addict, it involves 10 times more work
and a lifelong commitment. I do realize that this
requires tremendous work and a lifelong commitment,
but I am still in the early stages of self denial
etc.... hey its day 6!
Dov responds:
I hear you loud and clear - and remember the same feelings. But
let me tell you that you are making a bit of a funny
mistake, chaver. Not facing it and doing the
lifelong work is only a guarantee of lifelong work
of a different kind: i.e. hiding, lying, and
managing two lives while struggling for all the
normal stuff (family, job, yiddishkeit, money,
friends) that we all expect life owes us...
Once you find out that you are hooked, there are only two
choices: it's either a program of recovery or
a program
of garbage for
us. We are on a path of lifelong hard work, either
way!
No wonder the
drinkers drink so much. They want to drown
themselves rather than face the fact that there
ain't no easy way out.
Really, once we go to
meetings, or whatever we become a part of, and begin
recovery, we all find out that life isn't that
bad... in fact, it's nice... wait, it's interesting
and sometimes exciting... hold on there - it's
awesome!
Well... everything takes time.
Just don't rush.
You'll miss half the fun! :-) |
|
|
727. |
Monday ~ 22 Adar, 5770 ~ March 8, 2010 |
|
In Today's Issue
-
Battle Communication:
The Contradiction
-
Attitude Tip of the Day:
Win by Not Fighting
-
Link of the Day: Another Great Shiur
-
Practical Tip of the Day:
Ouch!
-
Daily Dose of Dov:
Letting Go of Our Garbage
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Battle
Communication
The Contradiction
"Eye.nonymous" posts chizuk and advice to someone who fell and
was feeling down:
The Yetzer Hara plays awful tricks on us. He tells us: YOU
CAN'T STOP, YOU'RE UNDER MY CONTROL, YOU'RE ALL
MINE!
Then, right after we
act out, he turns around and gets us to believe:
IT'S ALL MY FAULT! IT'S ALL MY FAULT! IT'S ALL MY
FAULT!
See the
contradiction? We'd never let a maggid shiur or a
chavrusa get away with a blatant stirah like
that, but we believe everything the Yetzer Hara
says! We let it totally destroy our
self-confidence.
For me, I learned a
big chiddush from the handbooks--if we don't act
out, WE DON'T SUFFER ANY HARMFUL PHYSICAL
SYMPTOMS. We won't blow up.
Part of the solution
was knowing this. And I thought FOR SURE, without a
release of pressure at least once a month that I'd
blow up! This, I now see, is totally false.
On the other hand, we
are struggling with a powerful addiction, so we
should be proud of any signs of progress, and not be
angry with ourselves because we're not perfect yet.
And, the second
statement of the Yetzer Hara (that it's all our
fault) is also false. Did you try to stop yourself?
Usually we do, but yet we stumble. We're not fully
equipped yet to stay clean. So, if we tried, though
we failed, it could be this battle WAS beyond our
capabilities. As far as G-d is concerned, perhaps
WE'RE NOT AT FAULT! Just stick with GYE and read
through the handbooks again. Something will click
this time that maybe didn't click last time.
I have found it very
helpful to analyze each fall--why did I fall? What
was I thinking before hand? What was going on in my
life? Discover what triggered the fall.
And, absolute honesty
is essential. At first it was painful for me to post
on the forum "I slipped," or "I fell," again and
again. But, the brutal honesty is what eventually
led to my recovery (in-progress). And brutal honesty
includes other things as well, like-"I REALLY DO
NEED A FILTER!" Or, "I REALLY SHOULDN'T BE
SEARCHING FOR SUCH-AND-SUCH!" |
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Attitude Tip of the Day
Win by Not Fighting
By "Steve"
An addiction, by definition, is something that controls us. We
can not ever dream of controlling it. We are fooling
ourselves if we think we can win a battle against
it.
If a big bully comes
toward me, a guy I know is too big for me, too
strong, I'll NEVER overpower this guy, I have two
choices aside from fighting a losing battle. I could
lower my fists and let him cream me. Or I could
lower my fists AND TURN AND WALK AWAY. Surrender
doesn't mean I have to get beat up. Surrender means
I can CHOOSE NOT TO FIGHT! I can walk away from the
confrontation. "No, sorry, not today."
That's how you really
WIN. By NOT fighting.
A Mouse-click away is
a picture that once you see it, you'll want more and
more until you can't help but fall. DON'T FORGET
YOUR ADDICTION / DISEASE (allergy to lust) and think
you could handle that click and pull away from the
battle before it's too late. YOU CAN'T.
JUST SAY NO to
Drugs-of-Choice and walk away from engaging the
enemy. And then he'll LOSE. |
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Link
of the Day
Another Great Shiur
"HappyGrowth" writes:
This shiur highlights
2 very important points:
1) When it comes to
serving Hashem, it is NEVER all or nothing.
We must never feel
hypocritical or "off the derech" if we need to grow
slowly. I
personally used to think "I can't break free from
one avaira, this means I'm evil and Hashem hates me,
therefore I may as well do even worse aveiros".
2) Hashem loves
each of us more then we love ourselves, and He
understands our limitations and does not demand the
impossible.
I am not, G-d forbid,
saying that we don't have to strive for perfection.
I am just saying that
to achieve real solid growth, one has to be
reasonable with oneself. |
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Practical Tip of the Day
Ouch!
By ZalmanDovid
I have started implementing a practical tip that is helping me.
I actually got this tip from
the handbook (a pretty useful little booklet). I
have begun pinching myself. I know it sounds pretty
dumb and ridiculous, but frankly I don't really
care, as long as it works. So whenever I walk down
the street and my eyes go looking at a woman or any
other thing I shouldn't be ogling at, I give myself
a good pinch till it hurts. And let me tell you, it
hurts to get pinched, especially when you are doing
it to yourself. I recognize that I am more conscious
of where I am looking. Before I didn't even realize.
Try pinching
yourself. It may work for you like it's working for
me. It may sound loony but it works. Also, nobody
really sees you doing it. To onlookers, it just
looks like your scratching yourself :-) |
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Daily
Doses of Dov
Dov is sober in SA for over 10 years. See his story
here.
Letting Go of Our Garbage
Eye.nonymous wrote on the forum:
I had a
disappointing set-back yesterday, even though
it wasn't really a fall. But I really got down about
it. I managed to pick myself up this morning though.
I said to myself, "what happened yesterday is behind
you, and there's nothing you can do about it.
'Today' is all you have; try to make the most of
it."
Dov responds:
Thanks for dumping that here rather
than carrying "yesterday" around with you today, Reb
Eye.
It's funny, but it seems that actually witnessing
others letting go of garbage they might otherwise
cling to, makes it easier for me to give up my own crapola.
And for giving up my own,
I'd like to share that there is a lady at my work
who was on leave for about 2 months and today I
noticed that she's back. I find her attractive, and
she works down the open hallway from me all day
long. Her image is all fine and good - for her...
but of no use to me whatsoever. She's really none of
my business. But in the past, I tended to clear out
a little "cubicle" for her in my brain.... I need to
let her go completely.
Nu. Completely? OK, I'll accept letting go of the
obsession for today and not worry about
"completely", or "forever".
All I really need to concern myself with is that she
and a bazillion other pretty folks are in my little
world for me to
help them in some way, rather than to use them.
How? It may never become clear to me, but hani
kavshi d'Rachmono (the hidden ways of Hashem)
are also none
of my business.
That's all poshut.
So, with Hashem's help I will daven for her by name
today, for her well-being, healthy and successful
relationships with husband and children, lack of
pain/suffering in this life, and then I'll ask
Hashem to help me let go of any obsession I may have
about her or her image.
Chances are that it'll be gone by then, anyhow.
Happy and cheerful that you are not down any more,
Dov
Note from webmaster:
I wonder if Hashem had as much Nachas Ruach from the
Ketores in the Beis Hamikdash as he does from guys
like Eye.nonymous and Dov being maktir their
"garbage" on the mizbeach of their hearts... (As the
Gemara in Sanhedrin brings from Rav Yehoshua Ben
Levi, "whoever sacrifices his Yetzer, it is
considered as if he brought all of the sacrifices!"
... And see
here too!) |
|
|
728. |
Tuesday ~ 23 Adar, 5770 ~ March 9, 2010 |
|
In Today's Issue
-
12-Step Attitude:
Chronically Avoiding Life
-
Attitude Tip of the Day:
Recovery is not just about NOT acting out
-
Link of the Day:
Understanding Depression in the Jewish Community
-
Daily Dose of Dov:
Madreigos & Hashkafa in Recovery
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
12-Step Attitude
With Duvid Chaim, moderator of the
Big-Book Phone Conference
Chronically Avoiding Life
Dear Duvid Chaim,
Here's what I understand so far about this great
voyage that we're on. Please let me know if I'm
getting it right.
1. We are not working on the Lust Addiction (we are
powerless over the addiction), rather we are working
on:
-
Understanding where the Pain and R.I.D.
(Restlessness, Irritability & Discontent) that
drive us to lust are coming from.
-
Learning how to get rid of that pain and R.I.D.
2. This new way of living will help not only
overcome my addiction to Lust but will also help me
overcome other compulsive behaviors, like chronic
procrastination, massive time wasting through movies
etc. that I also use to cover my fears, pain and
R.I.D.
3. The 12 Step Program is for all people and will
enhance the Yiddishkeit (i.e. Dveikus B'hashem) of
anyone that works the steps. I am "lucky" to be
addicted to Lust etc. and feel like my life is
completely unmanageable, because I felt so helpless
and came here.
Question:
My Lust addiction (and I am addicted, since I
cannot stop) is not what scares
me, rather
it's the chronic avoidance I have for facing my
life, for which I use procrastination, movies,
computer games and mast. (It used to be a twice a
week, since I joined GYE it's now down to once every
2 weeks, and with this program IY"H it will never
happen again).
Can this program work for me even if it's not the
Lust Addiction per-se that makes me feel my life is
unmanageable and I'm not my own master?
Duvid Chaim replies:
Dear Shipmate,
I am truly impressed with your understanding of the
Program and the Call as you've seen it so far. You
are demonstrating a real grasp of the issues and
have good insight into where we're headed.
I love your question and feel your desire and urge
for answers. Please re-read your Point #2. In it
you'll see the answer to your question.
You can substitute the words/issues you use like
"chronic avoidance", "procrastination", "movies",
"computer games" and "mast" instead of the word
"lust."
These are all just different "pain relievers" that
you use to medicate your pain. As you know, this
Program has its origins as an AA recovery program
for people that medicate their pain with alcohol.
Since 1939, this Program has proven to be effective
for people who medicate with food, drugs, nicotine,
work, co-dependency, and more - including lust.
So I believe that if you stick with the Program and
really work the Steps, you will see what many in
recovery see - and that is freedom from the
underlying pain (RID), a significant reduction in
the dominance of one's EGO and a level of Serenity
that you may have never experienced in your life.
You will learn a lot more about the 12 Step Promises
through our reading. So stay on Board and join us
on our Journey to Freedom.
Looking FORWARD
Duvid Chaim |
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Attitude Tip of the Day
Recovery isn't just about NOT acting-out
By "Eye.Nonymous" (clean for 130 days)
This past Shabbos afternoon I went out for a nice
walk with my wife and children, even though my wife
offered to take them by herself and let me rest.
Also, I joked around
with my kids to put them to bed instead of just
ordering them to go to sleep. I actually have a
good sense of humor, but it's just too easy to
forget to use it with your own kids.
Recovery isn't just
about not acting out. It's about letting yourself
enjoy life. When you get pleasure from the small
things in life, when you don't sweat the small
stuff, then you don't need to act out. |
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Link of the Day
Understanding Depression in the Jewish Community
Depression is a breeding ground for lust addiction.
In this article, Rabbi Twerski takes a look at the
phenomenon of depression in the Jewish community and
offers some practical advice. |
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Daily Doses of Dov
Dov is sober in SA for over 10 years. See his story
here.
Madreigos
& Hashkafa in Recovery
Some addicts have the attitude that by beating their
lust they will achieve a high Madreiga. Dov writes:
Some folks should just get a bumper sticker that
says:
"Whoever dies with the most Madreigos wins!"
We are winners if we
are with Hashem - period.
That's the attitude that I have seen works best for
addicts. All the rest (paraphrasing Rebbi Akiva) is
commentary.
Serving Hashem by
doing His Will
(or anyone else's) rather than my will
is the ikkar for
me (as described in the 12 steps), and madreigos
are tofel.
And they always will be,
I believe.
To me, discussions
based on "what's right" are nice, but are of very
limited - if any - value. Ah, to be young again! To
be able to sit back, picking and choosing the best
derech for me to be yotzei all the
shitos... "does it fit well with a Rav Dessler,
a RMB"M, a gemorah in Succah?" Nu. I never had such
luxuries. I wonder who does. There was a time when I
was far too busy just staying out of hell. Early
recovery was the very worst time
for me to think about madreigos and worry about
hashkofa. And guess what? It seems to be the time
when folks are the most consumed with it!! (I was,
for about 10 years, as I got worse and worse...)
The Chofetz Chayim used to say, "Besides being not
doing aveiros, Hashem also doesn't
want one to be a fool". Acting out with lust happens
to be my own personal "foolishness", cuz it ruins my
life. For others, it's drinking... If they worry
about "the source" of the lav for drinking alcohol,
gambling, heroin, etc, too much, they flush their
lives down the toilet, and often die. Plain and
poshut, right? So, please tell me: What lav,
exactly, is "flushing"? Hah, hah....
So, my most basic
hashkofa was this: Hashem doesn't want me to flush
five lives down the toilet. And the devil isn't in
the details, cuz I don't have to deserve to
be with Him - I just have to start to give my life
and my will into His care and continue doing just
that. Of course, as a frum yid that means halacha,
but it's a work in progress. That's a madreigo?
Don't believe it! It's just enlightened self-interest!
Good enough for me!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
To sum up the points Dov is making here:
The only Hashkafa a recovering addict needs to have
is: Don't flush your life - and the life of your
family - down the toilet. It's not a madreiga we aim
for, it's simply enlightened self-interest.
We don't need to deserve to be with Hashem,
we just need to progress along the path of giving
our life and will over into His care. (And Halacha
is one of the ways we do that.) |
|
|
729. |
Wednesday ~ 24 Adar, 5770 ~ March 10, 2010 |
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
12-Step Attitude
Who Needs G-d?
How AA's Twelve Steps Can Help You
From an article at Chabad.org
over here.
A well-known saying asserts that in foxholes there
are no atheists.
When we're in a position of pain, danger or need,
something within us awakens and reignites a deep
connection to our Source. And somehow, with this
connection, we find strength we never knew we had
and the ability to move forward.
A paradigm for this is the Twelve Step Program from
Alcoholics Anonymous. This program is one of the
most successful self-help models in existence, so
successful, in fact, that it has been modified and
adapted by other groups including Narcotics
Anonymous, Al Anon for families of alcoholics, CODA
for co-dependency, Self-Esteem Anonymous and more.
At the core of the program is the belief in a Higher
Being who has the ability to help us overcome our
"unmanageable lives."
In the words of the Steps:
Step 1:
I admit that my life has become unmanageable and I
have become powerless.
Step 2:
I acknowledge the belief that a Power greater than I
can restore sanity to my life.
Step 3:
I turn my life over to this greater Power, however I
want to define Him, and ask for His help.
In a nutshell, these three steps are saying: "I
can't. G-d,
You can. Please help!"
What is it about the Twelve Steps that makes this
program so versatile and successful?
And, why does the acknowledgement of a Higher
Being--rather than, for example, looking inward and
just encouraging one's own efforts--bring healing
and solace when we feel overcome with addictions,
suffering, stress or despair?
I think the emphasis on a Higher Being is a
necessary balm for any broken heart in these three
fundamental ways:
1) Recognizing
Our Limitations
We live in a world of unprecedented human
achievement. We've conquered so many frontiers and
overcome limitations on so many levels including
technology, medicine, and communication. We've
become accustomed to controlling our realities.
Yet, ironically, we also take comfort in becoming
aware of our own smallness. Despite our human
achievements, despite the cosmic significance of our
technological advances, despite the intricate
complexities of the machines that we create, or the
crushing power of the weapons we manufacture, when
all is said and done, when we consider the vastness
of our universe, we don't ultimately want to be in
charge. We find it strangely comforting to believe
in a Power that is much greater than ourselves who
takes ultimate responsibility for our world.
We aren't accustomed to accepting limits, yet when
we encounter circumstances over which we have no
control, we are forced to face our limitations.
Recognizing a Higher Power means acknowledging that
we need the help of Someone outside of ourselves to
overcome our struggle, whether in the arena of
health, self-limiting beliefs, addictions or
negative self-talk.
And that recognition is the comforting first step to
our recovery.
2) We're
Not Alone
Wherever we may find ourselves on this planet (and
beyond), at all times of day or night, today's
technology allows us to instant message, email,
voice mail, and video conference with one another.
And yet, more and more of us feel disconnected and
intensely lonely. We're "in touch" and always just a
click away from a whole cyber-community, but we
don't feel "connected" on a more meaningful level.
This aloneness becomes all the more acute when we
are fighting a formidable battle over an acutely
painful situation.
Recognition of a Higher Being means that we are
never inherently alone.
The Ultimate Being of compassion and wisdom has a
real connection with you and is saying: I
am near you. I understand your struggles even when
you feel so alone. I am with you even before your
predicament, providing you with the fortitude to
continue. I will help you tackle unchartered
territory. I understand you better than you
understand yourself.
G-d understands and is with us through our fears,
uncertainties, failures and successes and makes us
feel that much less frightened and isolated in
taking steps towards our future.
While, to some, belief in G-d means presenting a
wish list of what we want or need, it is foremost
the experience of being in the company of G-d. At
all times. In all struggles.
3) You
Matter
And finally, being in G-d's presence brings the
recognition that despite my smallness, as G-d's
creation, I
matter.
Have you ever strolled through a crowded shopping
mall, or down a crowded pedestrian walkway, neck to
neck with tens of others, sensing that your presence
there doesn't matter at all? No one would really
notice or care if you weren't exactly where you are,
doing what you're doing. Your presence doesn't
matter. Not to anyone.
And yet, belief in a Higher Power means you do matter
and that your every action is significant.
There is reason for challenge. It is not a random
happening, but a planned struggle necessary for our
souls. There is a point and a purpose to our
successes and our
failures. On some level, the chaos of our world is
not chaos, but makes perfect sense.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Whether we are dealing with an addiction to some
negative substance, or whether we are struggling
with a crisis or challenge, at some point in our
lives, we all cry out from the depths of our souls.
Unfortunately, life is too full of moments when we
acutely feel, G-d,
I just can't.
At those moments, we need to be able to find within
ourselves the comforting words: G-d,
You can. Please help! |
|
|
730. |
Thursday ~ 25 Adar, 5770 ~ March 11, 2010 |
|
In Today's Issue
-
Attitude Tip of the Day:
You already are a good person
-
Q & A of the Day:
Can I work the 12-Steps alone?
-
Daily Dose of Dov:
Keep your eye on the Ikkar
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Attitude Tip of the Day
You already are a good person
Someone wrote on the forum:
I hope I can stop the addiction and become a good
Jew!
Dov Responds:
First of all, you already are a "good Jew". Perfect
- no... but good - surely. Hashem certainly loves us
even though you and I have weaknesses and may make
terrible mistakes at times. As long as a child is
honestly - though very imperfectly - trying to
get better, any understanding
father is proud of this child. And he understands
everything. He is obviously so proud of us. And he
loves you even while you are screwing up, obviously,
cuz He put it in your heart to want better for
yourself, and He even helped you get here to
find understanding and help! A good start, to be
sure. You are quite fortunate... luckier than many. |
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q &
A of the Day
Can I work the 12-Steps alone?
Dov writes:
There are many who say "I tried/did/worked the 12
steps", and they mean they read a book, answered the
questions, did some writing assignments and followed
the program to the end....
But they did it all
alone.
Just a little plug
for "the program" as I know it:
Working the steps in
the context of daily life was and is absolutely
essential for me. Real tools for real daily living
(without our mishi'gas) is what we need here, not
just 'medicine'.
"guump! I swallowed it - it's done!" is a recipe for
more disappointment. And we all have had enough of
that! It must take time and be real, and it's worth
the trouble. We are
worth the trouble.
To actually do this
- for me and others I know who are doing it -
requires a real live chevra, or at least: a real
live friend who is also doing it. I couldn't work
the steps alone (I tried for two years) and I can't
seem to successfully use them
alone today, either.
Just my experience.
Besides, it's really an amazing adventure! Why hog
it all to ourselves? |
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Daily Doses of Dov
Dov is sober in SA for over 10 years. See his story
here.
Keep Your Eye on the Ikkar
Someone wrote on the forum:
I don't feel clean and I feel like I need to go to
the Mikvah but I don't know how to go by asking
without people becoming suspicious. I feel really
bad because a few times I have watched porn right
before learning.
Dov Responds:
I'm for going to the mikvah, in general, as long as
you are comfortable with it... but irrespective of
that, please
consider this:
In the "bad old days", going to the mikvah seemed to
help me feel
better after
acting out. But then, I'd use my drug (porn and
masturbation, etc.) again in a couple of days! I was
truly shocked. And things just kept getting worse
over the years. It was clearly not the
solution for me.... so, do you want to get better,
or just feel better?
A good question, in general, as feeling better is
related to the solution and the goal, but is surely
neither the solution - nor is it the goal, really.
Furthermore, in my
own case, I went to the mikvah and did lots of other
stuff along those lines (cold showers, not looking
out of my 4 amos, hiding in a yeshiva, saying tons
of tehillim, learning seforim about zera levatoloh
[written 150 years ago for 1850's-yidden! ]).
Sometimes they gave me a feeling that "what's past
is past - it's over!
I am now starting fresh!". OK. Now, living in the
present is an absolutely essential part of my
recovery. Nevertheless, it comes with some real risk for
an addict who is not yet in serious recovery.
In fact, it can be a devastating handicap at
that stage.
It was for me.
Thinking in those
terms then, made me able to delude myself that there
really was no pattern. I was able to remain in
denial of the fact that there was really something in
me that
had to change. Gimmicks allow us to seem as though
we are changing while remaining
exactly the same inside. "See, I am better!"...
not quite. That derech distracted me from the ikkar
while I worked really hard on the peripheral. And I
see this pattern over an over. All manner of
mesiras nefesh-like behaviors abound, while the
very thing that got us so screwed up in the first
place -i.e. our own very best thinking -
remains at the steering wheel!
Our motivations have
not truly changed.
Do you get me so far?
Until we face that
there is something very screwy with our
thinking, we don't seem to start getting
better. And this is what the
1st and 2nd steps of AA's 12 principles of
recovery are about. Accepting the facts about
myself was the essential seed for recovery -
whether one is an addict or not.
Mind you, I am not
at all implying
that you are an addict. But if you
are convinced that you use schmutz compulsively,
that for you it is like a drug, and if you come to
see that you cannot seem to really stop,
then I suggest you consider that the problem is no
longer the women on the street, your father's
computer, nor even what you did yesterday! These are
all tofel (secondary)... just triggers - not
the problem, at all. Rather, the problem is in you yourself,
period. You are not bad, and it's not your fault -
it's just the way it is.
Nu. I've got it too, buddy... and life is fantastic
(in recovery)!!! Besides, now is as good a time as
any to get free of it - and you can.
For that, I need a lot of Hashem's actual
assistance, and help from people (like other addicts
in recovery) to learn how
to get it.
So... keep using the
mikvah if you want to, or don't, but whatever you do
peripherally, keep your eye on the ikkar and
don't get tricked by behaviors that imitate real
change. Consider opening up to safe people, staying
open and honest, getting the help you need, and
doing the work. Always talk to Hashem as you would
to your very best
freind, cuz He is and always will be.
He needs nothing and
has only our
best interest at heart forever. After all, He's G-d!
Get started today. |
|
|
731. |
Friday ~ 26 Adar, 5770 ~ March 12, 2010
Parshas Vayakhel - Pikudei / Hachodesh / Chazak |
|
In Today's Issue
-
Parsha Talk 1:
Rebuilding Our Own Mishkan
-
Parsha Talk 2:
The Givers
-
Daily Dose of Dov:
Letting Go of Ourselves vs. Giving Up
on Ourselves
-
Spiritual Tip of the Day:
More About the Mikvah
-
Testimonials of the Day:
Two old-timers write
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Parsha Talk 1
Rebuilding Our Own Mishkan
By "bardichev"
We are standing now at the cusp of Chodesh Nissan
and we are reading this Shabbos about the SHIVAS
YIMAY HAMILUIM - and we are actually in the days of
the Miluim.
The Medrash Tanchumah
tells us the Moshe Rabbainu built the Mishkan
twice every, and
another opinion holds he built it three times a day.
What is the significance of this?
Says the Nesivos
Shalom in his inimitable way:
Building the mishkan
signifies a Jew's quest for perfecting himself in
Avodas Hashem. Moshe
Rabbainu was teaching us, that if you build and
build and then ... BOOM!! It collapses.
Nu nu, build it again and again.
Don't give up!!!
The Nesivos continues
to say that the importance of twice a day is to
symbolize that we
need to BUILD Hashem's presence in all situations.
Day symbolizes the good times, and evening
symbolizes the dark and hard times.
And according to the other opinion, building it 3
times symbolizes that the mishkan was built 21 times
a week, which corresponds to the name of Hashem:
"EH-KYEH" aleh heh yuh heh.
This name, as we
discussed in Parshas Shemos, is the name of Teshuvah:
"I will be"!!
EVEN IF YOU DESTROYED
YOUR MISHKAN!! GEVALD. REBUILD IT RIGHT AWAY!!
DON'T WAIT TILL
TOMORROW!!!
Chazak chazak vinischazaik!!!!
Good Shabbos,
bardichev |
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Parsha Talk 2
The Givers
By "Yosef Hatzadik"
"Vayovo'u ho'anoshim al hanoshim, kol n'div leiv
-
And the men came with the women, all those whose
hearts wished to donate"
Rashi says:
"im
hanoshim, usmichim lahem
-
(they came) with the women, and close to them".
I've been wondering
for many years about this posuk, what about tznius
issues? Was there no mechitzah?
Boruch Hashem, today
I was zoche to a p'shat! The Yetzer Horah can only
find his place in a person who is a mekabel,
a 'taker'. Someone who is a nosein,
a 'giver', won't do any aveiros. The essence of an
aveiro is [usually] trying to have the benefits of
this world without its corresponding
responsibilities. Taking from Hashem without giving
Him anything. Someone who is COMPLETELY a 'giver'
commits no aveiros. This point is discussed
extensively on this holy site.
The pasuk is telling
us that those who were COMPLETE 'givers' were able
to come together with the women without any
problems. Vayovo'u
ho'anoshim al hanoshim,
but only kol
n'div leiv.
We live in a world where we can't possibly cut
ourselves off from women completely. The only way
for us to really be able to handle the challenges
properly, is by changing our life's motivations from
being "takers" to "givers" - one step at a time. |
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Daily Doses of Dov
Dov is sober in SA for over 10 years. See his story
here.
Letting Go of Ourselves vs. Giving Up
on Ourselves
Yesterday we brought a post from Dov who suggested
that going to the Mikva could possibly be even
detrimental in the early stages of recovery if
it makes us lose sight of the ikkar, which is
not just making ourselves "feel better" -
(which was our motivation in acting out as well,
BTW) but actually "getting better" - by
accepting the truth about ourselves, changing our
motivations, and taking the "actions" of real
recovery...
However, the next day Dov posted:
This morning I was thinking about the mikvah thing,
and admitted that if going to the mikkie would help
someone feel cleaner and less guilty, and recognize
that they are not disgusting but still Hashem's
beloved sweet yingeleh, and thereby motivate them
with hope to
actually do the
work to actually get better,
it could be a great thing.
Giving up on
ourselves is the greatest poison of all, and leads
only downward. When they speak about "Hitting
bottom" or finally "giving up"
in the 12-Steps, they
can't mean
giving up on ourselves.
For those very things are precisely what
saved my life! Rather, they mean utterly giving up
on doing
it our way.
And letting go of ourselves - cuz we failed
miserably at the task of caring for ourselves - and
letting a more qualified Driver into the seat, for
real. Usually the first "trial by fire" for that is
finally/actually getting the
help we really need, come what may. |
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Spiritual Tip of the Day
More About the Mikva
Going to a Mikva every day is a very strong
protection against sexual sin and desire. If this is
too difficult for you, make sure to go at least when
you fall. Imagine this. If the waters of the Mikva
can make a non-Jew (who wants to convert) into a
Jew, imagine what they can do to someone who is
already a Jew and who just wants to repent!
When immersing in the Mikva waters, imagine yourself
in your mothers womb, and when you come up imagine
it is like you are being born anew!
Many Tzadikim have written that going to the Mikva
regularly, especially after an emission, is a
segulah to remaining pure in these areas. However,
always remember the words of Dov from yesterday's
e-mail: make sure not to lose sight of the Ikkar.
Levite writes:
1. Reb Nachman writes in the hakdamah to his Tikkun
Haklali, that the first thing
one should do after this p'gam, if he can, is go to
mikveh.
2. Reb Nosson writes,
"im yesh mikveh yesh tikvah - as long as one
goes to mikvah there is hope". |
|
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Testimonials of the Day
It's always nice to hear from old-timers how GYE
helped them and that they are still in recovery. I
got two e-mails today:
"Shomer Bris" wrote me an e-mail today:
Hope all is well. Haven't stopped by the site in a
while. Just wanted to tell you a little while back
that I had completed 'chai'-18 months, but at this
point it's already nineteen, Baruch Hashem. Great to
see that so many people on the site are still so
dedicated.
Thanks!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"LoMisya'esh" wrote me an e-mail today:
I've been off-line for the last few months to help
me heal, and
I'm telling you that it did me a world of good. I
even gave my cell phones (which had internet access)
to someone to keep for me, and now I plan to take
them back from him and sell them off... Now that I'm
online just for a day or two, I have major nisyonos
to peek at the p**n sites again, but Hashem will
help me overcome, and writing this letter will help
too!
I was on GYE for nearly half a year, and in
retrospect, what did I gain from it? From GYE, the
two paths of life became clear, as the pasuk says:
re'ei nosati lochem ess hachayim v'ess hamoves -
see that I have placed before you life and death".
Before GYE, I was slowly making my path of life a
path of death without realizing it, but now b"h with
GYE, the two paths of life have become clear.
I have been in phone contact with two wonderful
people from the forum who have helped - and are
still helping me through. But I'm still on my own,
taking baby steps in this dark and dangerous world
and trying to build myself, slowly.
Keep on going mighty general, and with Hashem's help
you'll conquer all the hearts of lost Jews.
With heartfelt hakoras hatov! |
|
|
732. |
Sunday ~ 28 Adar, 5770 ~ March 14, 2010 |
|
In Today's Issue
-
Personal Victory of the Day:
"EWWW! How Could I?"
-
Daily Dose of Dov:
Moshe Rabbeinu - The Only Yid that Finally Gave
Up
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Personal Victory of the Day
"EWWW! How Could I?"
By "TheOne"
Today I was sitting in the bus and I saw a man
reading a newspaper.
Now, I used to have
huge problems with newspapers.
I used to read them
everyday, all of them (5-6)...
The free ones... those are the most terrible ones!!
The Pritzus, the
rubbish, all the unhealthy stuff they put in there.
Oh, and the pics... the worst!!
I couldn't resist. It
was like drugs for me.
I JUST HAD TO KNOW
WHAT'S GOING ON, ALL THE GOSSIP, ALL THE STARS...
Be'kitzer, all the
emptiness...
Then I decided that this was really bad for me and I
tried to stop.
I dunno if you guys
get me, but I was taken over by the magazines.
There wasn't a day without them...
It wasn't easy at
all!
Especially as my Mom
kept reading them and telling me about stuff, and
stars, and looks...
And it made WANT to
read it even more...
And sometimes I was
too weak and glanced at them, and in them...
But those were B"H
little accidents...
With time, it got
easier.
Now I can PROUDLY say
that I haven't read or looked, or even held a
newspaper/magazine in about two months.
I still sometimes
really want to look into them and read them, but
it's getting better...
Today when I sat in
the bus, I looked at that man and at the newspaper,
and for the first
time, I didn't want to read it.
I didn't want to look
what was in it. I didn't care!
I was disgusted...
And it hit me.
Our addiction is
similar in a way.
WE FEEL WE CAN'T LIVE
WITHOUT IT!!!!
WE CAN'T!!!
But we fight it...
We have little
accidents...
Also big ones...
But I think, and it
gives me a nechama, that with time, it's
gonna get easier.
It may never be gone,
but easier...
It's gonna be
disgusting to me (if it's not yet).
And I just can't wait for the day that I'll be able
to say:
"porn??? ewwww, how
could I?" |
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Daily Doses of Dov
Dov is sober in SA for over 10 years. See his story
here.
Moshe Rabbeinu: The Only Yid that Finally Gave Up
The Medrash Tanchuma (Pekudei - 11) relates how the
yidden tried to put the Mishkan together after
making all it's parts. They were not doing it
through their own understanding (the mistake of
Nadav and Avihu) rather, they were doing what
Hashem had commanded them to do.
Nevertheless, it kept falling down.
As would be expected,
they did not try only once, but many times. They
even went to Betzalel. He couldn't do it either, and
it kept falling! "Ba'alei hashkofa" among them
likely said - let's keep trying! It has to
work, because Hashem commanded us
to do it. He would not have given us a command that
we couldn't succeed
at, right?!
Nevertheless, they eventually saw it was just not
going....
They finally brought
it all to Moshe Rabeinu. And He tried
to put it up himself... and it still just fell each
time.
Here comes the
recovery concept:
Tanchuma reports that
Moshe rabeinu then cried out: "Master of the World, I
do not know how to stand this Mishkan up!"
Hashem replied: "Just
use your hands to go through the motions of standing
the Mishkan up. I will
make it stand. It will now look as though you are
being successful, and I will even give you credit
for it as if you had
accomplished the task!"
Ad Kahn.
I ask you: What
happened here? Why did Hashem make it so, that
they'd fail utterly at what they knew He wanted them
to do? Then the only one who succeeded at it was
Moshe Rabeinu. But why let him succeed?
And if you'll say that it was all a grand
manipulation to get Moshe
Rabeinu to
be the one to actually make the Mishkan, then why
make him initially
fail too?
It seems to me that
the simple answer is that standing up a Mishkan is
not something any human being can do - period. It's
inherently impossible.
The only way is for
Hashem to do it. But He wants to do it through us.
It turned out that
among all those great tzadikim, the only yid who
finally gave up and said, "I can't do this, at all.
Hashem - You want
this to be done, so You'll
have to do
it. I don't even expect to have a part in it,
because I now know that I can't do it at all!"
Only Moshe Rabeinu -
the onov
mikol odom. Only he "made
it" through to the other side of the wall of the
human ego - that michitzas
barzel mafsekes -
and gave up completely. But
he didn't just give up and walk away! He
knew that a Mishkan must be built! He also knew that
he is (and we are)
Hashem's agents on earth! But for the first time
here, he gave it all to Hashem. As in 'Tofsu
umanus avosam' by
the yam suf - he cried out to Hashem and gave his
avodah all up to Him. "I am Yours. Our Mishkan is
Yours! Make it work so that Your Will may be done!"
And look what happened! He not only succeeded, but
was even promoted to "Mishkan-Builder" - a job he
had failed miserably at before. His credentials were
not very good. But he did not need good
credentials - Hashem was going to be the One to do
it, all the way through to the end! Moshe was only
asked to go
through the motions.
It would work - but only as long as he would retain the
admission - hoda'ah - that Moshe was
not building it, Hashem
was.
And Moshe Rabeinu would get s'char as though he built
it, as well.
This post is long
enough already, but I'll spell out what's dearest to
me here and leave the rest to you if you choose to
think it through some more.
I am a lust addict. I
am powerless over lust. I proved that to myself
again and again, fooling myself for many years that
I was "fighting the good fight and had to
succeed with Hashem on my side!". I was puzzled,
disillusioned; almost lost Hashem; my neshama and my
life. Back in the midbar, I would
have been that one really 'frum' and 'spiritual guy'
who would have never, ever given
up, while the Mishkan was falling all around me and on me,
busting up the k'rashim - and me! They would have
had to drag me away, I guess. In this life, I had to
be forced to
surrender on beating lust my
way.
And now I say I am
powerless over lust - cuz I
am -
and give the battle to Him. "Hashem Ish
milchamah" - not us. And for Him there is really
no battle, of course. He apparently just wants me to
let go of my battle
and go to Him instead. So I try to run from any
battles with lust (it's deadly fire for me!), and I
try to give the struggles that I somehow end up
entangled in, to Him, as quickly as possible. But
the point is, that it's not
me winning
- it's Him. Always.
And that's also why I
find no need to hate or despise lust. It's silly for
me to make a stinking big deal about lust. If I 'get
personal' with
lust, I will surely take
it on myself. I can't afford to. I'm not that
stupid... any more. He's not my enemy
any more, really. I just forward lust's whispers...
to Hashem. He knows what to do with it. After all -
He made it!
All I need to do today, is get the help I need to
give it up. And the help I need is from my friends
in recovery. I can't do this life by myself.
Hope this helps
someone. |
|
|
733. |
Monday ~ 29 Adar, 5770 ~ March 15, 2010 |
|
In Today's Issue
-
Mazal Tov upon Reaching 90 Days:
To "Steve" & to "OneLife"
-
12-Step Attitude:
From 'DovInIsrael'
-
Daily Dose of Dov:
You Can't Learn Torah with Dirty Hands
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A Big Mazal Tov to Two Great Warriors:
"Steve"
and
"OneLife"
upon reaching 90 days clean and joining Hashem's
warriors on
The Wall of Honor
Steve wrote today on
his inspiring thread (where you can read his
story too):
B"H YISBORACH!! I just passed 90 days!!
THANK YOU TO ALL MY FRIENDS HERE AT GYE WHO HAVE
HELPED ME GET TO THIS POINT!!
For years I had given up hope of ever getting
FREEDOM from this Yetzer Hara, and B"H, thanx to
y'all, I have seen how to get there, and have even
begun to taste it.
I love this place.
G-D bless Guard and his entire family with Health,
wealth, and a home where the Shechina loves to come
to!!!
May it be Hashem's will that we can all dance
b'simcha VERY SOON together in the Beis Hamikdosh,
B'mhaira B'Yomeinu, AMEN!!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Steve is over 50 years old and one of Duvid Chaim's
foremost Talmidim on the
12-Step phone conference. He is a perfect
example of how it is NEVER TOO LATE to change.
Over the past few days, Duvid Chaim had to leave
town and he gave the phone conference over to Steve
and 'DovInIsrael' to lead. See what Duvid Chaim
writes about these two great guys to his chevra:
I could lead Call after Call, telling you all how
the Program offers you Freedom. But unless you see
and feel it yourself, how will you believe me?
That is - until I coincidentally had
to leave town and turn over the helm to two veterans
of prior Group Calls.
THANK YOU DOV AND STEVE for
showing the Chevra in just a few sessions what
usually takes many Calls for novices to
appreciate. And that is, that you both are shining
examples of what the Program can do for struggling
addicts.
The calls and the emails I got from the Chevra prove
to me that "they
want what you've got!
Just by being authentic and who you are, you
demonstrated that in a relatively short amount of
time it is possible to gain significant "distance"
from who you were before the Program - to a place of
serenity, Emunah and D'veikus Hashem.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
And Mazal Tov to "OneLife" - who posted today:
Thank G-d, today is 90 days clean.
I have never thought
I'll reach there one day... but here I am, and this
is a fact :-)
I'd like to share a
few tools if I can, for those who are trying to cope
with this issue at the beginning levels. Nothing
really new, besides the fact that keeping myself
strict on these things helped me reach 90 days:
1. A strict filter. I
think that this is the first key to recovery.
There's no other choice. I have two filters at my
home, which I switched to a very high protection
level - and the password is in my wife's hands. And
at my work, I put in a filter that I defined to
block all search engines including Google, Yahoo,
Altavista, etc. (all of them). The search engine is
the source of many of the falls, when we use them to
try to find just one site that the filter will not
block. We all know that we sometimes click on sites
that appear on the Google results on results page
number 358...;-)
2. The second thing I
learned, is that the less you are exposed to the
filth, the less strength the next test will have.
You will feel that the filth you see on the street
doesn't hit you or trigger you as strongly as it
used to. During the 90 days journey, I felt a peak
of urges on days 15-30. Once you pass that, you've
passed 50% of your journey. The beginning is
difficult, because the garbage images jump to your
head and you need to get rid of them. In my opinion,
this is the hardest part of completing 90 days. But
this is your chance to do a big hishtadlus!
3. Admit that you are
addict, and for addict there isn't a choice for a
"little garbage" or just a look or two. All that
will lead you to is the abyss. "A little"
means a fall is gonna happen in the near future. The
decision to recover needs to be as close to "total"
as possible.
4. And the last thing
is you guys here on
the forum! Without you, I wouldn't have
discovered myself here. Your bomb chizzukim, your
warm words, jokes, encouragement and everything you
gave me, were like a tool box for the rest of my
journey. To all of you, a big big thanks!
Now I've just started
the real battle. The day 91... to 120 years!
I love you my
brothers very much!!
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
12 Step Attitude
From 'DovInIsrael'
Like Steve (above), "DovInIsrael" has been through
the 12-Steps with
Duvid Chaim's phone conference more than twice
already, and he is thinking to start a 12-Step group
in Israel. I would like to bring a few great quotes
from him on the forum:
To someone who claimed that he was going to try and
over-power the Yetzer Hara, 'DovInIsrael' writes:
It probably won't work.
The Y"H is just waiting for you to pick a fight with
him.
Instead, try this:
When he comes knocking at your door, invite him in
and show him to the waiting room.
Tell him you are in
the middle of something and will be with him as soon
as you can!
And then lock him in
- and RUN!!
Start screaming for
help and don't look back!!
(And don't bother
feeling sorry for him either - I can assure you, he
will be OK and be able to find his way out)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
To someone who writes that the addiction is too
strong and he doesn't believe he'll ever be able to
reach 90 days clean, 'DovInIsrael' writes:
I understand how you feel about the addiction - I
felt the same way...
But what I found was
that what I could not do in 90 days, I
could do in ONE day - just ninety times :-)
(And it is a lot
easier after going through the 12-steps)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Lonelyid writes:
Help, I feel my entire life crumbling apart. The
consequences of my addiction to my life leave me
feeling paralyzed. I lost all the good
G-d gave me because
of my stubborn behavior, and now I feel lonely and
depressed. What do I do now?
'DovInIsrael' replies:
Did you know that a seed only begins to grow once it
starts to decay?
That is how the world
was built - something from nothing.
Imagine if you were
an acorn:
You are in the
ground, and starting to decay...
You are neither a
tree nor an acorn any more.
Now is the time to
decide whether you want to fulfill your role - and
become a big Oak tree or not.
All growth starts
from a sense of decay.
Decide to GROW!!!
And you will! |
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Daily Doses of Dov
Dov is sober in SA for over 10 years. See his story
here.
You Can't Learn Torah with "Dirty Hands"
'AryehTahor' asks on the forum:
Since my last fall and my general life situation at
the moment, I have decided I would like to start
working the steps. Can the steps be effective if you
basically print them out and study them a little
each day and think about them? Or do you need to be
involved with a program, and go to meetings and have
a group of people etc.? I ask because I can't
practically be involved in an SA program at the
moment and am wondering if I will get anything out
of what I said above, or if it will be basically a
waste of time and I should try to learn Mussar
instead?
Dov Replies:
For the record, haven't you been learning
mussar already? If not, what pray tell (that's fancy
talk for "the hell") have you been doing all these
years?
And no, the steps are
not said to work unless you "work" them. It requires
action, not reading and thinking. Even writing,
which is absolutely
indispensable for most folks, is not enough. Action
is needed.
The concept of "kol
ha'omer: 'ein li ella Torah' ("I only want to learn -
not keep the mitzvos"), afilu Torah ein lo!
(even Torah he doesn't have)" applies to the steps
even more so.
Just for fun, here's
a little vort:
A question:
Why is it that if we
smear mud or wipe a shoe on our backs or faces we
can still learn Torah, but if we touch a shoe with
our hand we cannot? What's with the hands?!
An answer:
Hands symbolize
action - asiyah - what the malachim are missing.
That's why we have
the Torah, not them. "Hands being dirty" symbolizes
that they are not muchshar for asiyah - i.e. there
is an inherent lack in our ability to implement Hashem's
Will.
And one who is not in
a state to put the Torah into action is pasul for
learning because it is as though they are saying
"I'll just learn it". And apparently, that's not
what Torah was made for. Our hands have to be OK,
even though our asiyah will not be perfect. They
need to be ready for Hashem to work through
them.
Hatzlocha! |
|
|
734. |
Tuesday ~ 1 Nissan, 5770 ~ March 16, 2010
Rosh Chodesh Nissan |
|
In Today's Issue
-
Torah Thought of the Day:
The Month of Renewal
-
Anecdote of the Day:
The Obstacle in our Path
-
Link of the Day:
RecoveryNation.com
-
12-Step Attitude:
How will this be different?
-
Attitude Tip of the Day:
I just don't care enough
-
Daily Dose of Dov:
Hopeless for Me Too
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Torah Thought of the Day
The Month of Renewal
By "theOne"
Rosh Chodesh is a time of Hischadshus, Renewal. Its
also a Limud for us not to give in, because always
when the moon is in its smallest position, it's a
sign that it starts to grow again. Rosh Chodesh
Nissan even more. It's Rosh Chadashim - the foremost
time of "renewal". It's a beginning of a new year,
the beginning of the spring, Chodesh Ho'oviv. Nisson
is also the month of Geulah. I've also learnt that
this chodesh has a tremendous Koach to add Kedusha
to our lives.
In the past few years I knew most of this all, more
or less. So what's gonna be special about this year?
My Tefilah, my Kavanah. I'm going to daven to Hashem
for my own renewal. For a "spring" in my soul. For a
real Geulah in myself. Geulah from all the shmutz,
all the Taivos, all the bad desires. I'm gonna daven
for Kedusha. I'm going to daven that no matter what,
I should have the Koichos to keep going, even when
the moon is so small, that I can barely see it. And
for sure I'm going to daven for u!!!!
Hashem listens to all of us, "Lichol Asher
Yikre'uhu Be'emes"!!! Just ask be'emes!! That's
all we gotta do.
I wish us all a true
Hischadshus, a Geulah in ourselves, and Geulah to Am
Yisroel, Bimheyro biyomeynu, Omein!
GOOD CHODESH! |
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Anecdote of the Day
The Obstacle in Our Path
In ancient times, a King had a boulder placed on a
Roadway. Then he hid himself and watched to see if
anyone would remove the huge rock. Some of the
King's' wealthiest merchants and courtiers came by
and simply walked around it. Many loudly blamed the
King for not keeping the roads clear, but none did
anything about getting the stone out of the way.
Then a peasant came along carrying a load of
Vegetables. Upon approaching the boulder, the
peasant laid down his burden and tried to move the
stone to the side of the road. After much pushing
and straining, he finally succeeded. After the
peasant picked up his load of vegetables, he noticed
a purse lying in the road where the boulder had
been. The purse contained many gold coins and a note
from the King indicating that the gold was for the
person who removed the boulder from the roadway. The
peasant learned what many of us never understand!
Every obstacle presents an opportunity to improve
our condition. |
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Link of the Day
RecoveryNation.com
By "TrYing"
I'm following a program on RecoveryNation.com. It
has workshops that you do every day, and it comes IN
CONJUNCTION with a 12 step group or any other
recovery program. I think it can help anyone trying
to get better. For example, after my last fall, this
program suggested that in order to renew my
commitment I should make a list of WHY I want to
renew it and stay clean this time. Another exercise
was to hold a picture of myself when I was young...
and to look into my eyes and try to reconnect to
that innocence and purity. It shook me up and had me
crying... I think it's an amazing thing for anyone
to do. |
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
12-Step Attitude
How will this be different?
A question posed to Duvid Chaim, moderator of
the 12-Step phone group
Only recently, for a period of about a month, did I
start falling by being drawn to reading wrong
things. My computer at home now has a report that
goes weekly to wife and a friend, my comp at work is
turned outwards publicly but could still be
dangerous (even though I know they can monitor), and
this Blackberry is a time-bomb.
My Question: With a short fall like I had, which
scared me enough to join your program when I heard
about it, how will this be different in the long run
to prevent anything like this in the future? The
mishna says "don't trust yourself until the day you
die?" As good as this program is, I imagine it is
not foolproof. Please comment. Thank you.
Duvid Chaim replies:
Regarding your question, I want you to notice that you
are surrounding yourself and your choices around
FEAR. Am I right? Just take a look at what you
wrote.
It's OK, most of us are motivated by Fear to get
into the Program.
But to
STAY in the Program and in Recovery, we have to
be motivated by something entirely
different. Something that fills our lives with Joy
and Tranquility. Something that makes us wake up
every morning, excited to be alive and to see what
"awaits us." Something that is so attractive that
everything else seems artificial.
And that 'something' that we find in Recovery is
D'vaikus Hashem. That connection to not only a
Higher Power but also a Higher Purpose - that
awareness that I am special, that I am unique and
that I have value. There is a reason that I am
alive. And I am eager to serve G-d, the Universe,
and my fellow man.
Anything less is counterfeit and unattractive.
Through Recovery, we don't have to be in Fear of the
internet, the Blackberry or the Streets. I'm not in
pain. I don't need a pain killer.
And while my life in Recovery isn't all roses, it is
definitely all Purpose and Meaning.
And this is something you will want to keep coming
back for - for the rest of your life. |
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Attitude Tip of the Day
I just don't care enough
'Moshe843' wrote on the forum for the first time:
I respect anyone with the strength and courage to
overcome their evil inclination but sadly, I really
don't think I care enough. But it bothers me that I
don't care... I'm so bogged down by years of
disillusionment and cynicism.... I feel like I've
just become to jaded to care about anything related
to my native religion....
Besides for the normal welcoming letter, we replied
to him as follows:
Beating this addiction really has nothing to do with
religion. We have a few non-Jews and non-religious
people on this forum too. An addiction is a disease,
which manifests itself in many levels, physical,
emotional and spiritual. When a person realizes that
it is slowly destroying their lives, they come here
and learn how to recover... If we want to have a
healthy and meaningful life, we can't be ruled by
our basest instincts. This addiction will prevent of
us from ever being a good husband and father, from
holding down a steady job or from just being a
healthy and happy human being. And it is a
progressive disease, which only gets worse.
On GYE you will learn how to "hit bottom while still
on top". Don't wait for the addiction to destroy
your life. To understand better what "hitting bottom
while still on top" means, see
this page
on our website, which I just set up today especially
for you.
'DovInIsrael' welcomes 'Moshe843':
Your openness and honesty is incredible!
You are at a point
which took me a long time to get too.
I know how you feel -
I felt the same way.
I remember the
cynical feelings, too.
Can I ask you a
question?
Where do we find
boundaries?
Answer: In things
which are important...
... and in places of
Kedusha.
The internet allows
us to break free of all boundaries -
we feel like
superman... with our internet vision we can look
from one end of the planet to the next, we
can see through walls, doors and even clothing.
It is exciting - the
porn industry invests millions of dollars a year to
figure out how to make it interesting and exciting
for you (and me, and everyone else)...
They want to capture
your attention.
They want to steal
your focus.
The constant
click-and-flick only further wears down our ability
to focus.
Try to imagine - how
would you describe someone without a focus...
Their mind wanders,
they procrastinate, they cannot devote attention to
their job, family, spouse, etc.
A life without
borders... without focus... is
a life which lacks importance... lacks
Kedusha...
And the porn industry
knows this - it draws you in... and gives you a
false sense of importance... a false sense of
excitement.... it's a system where the pleasures
fade away to pain.
I am not here to tell
you what to do - you can decide for yourself.
However if you want
someone to listen too - there are some great people
here on the forum, or any of the 12-step calls. Some
great people - who have been there, done that, and
gotten over it.
And I can tell you
this: After breaking through the false illusions of
the internet trap, life is much better now than it
was ever before. |
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Daily Doses of Dov
Dov is sober in SA for over 10 years. See his story
here.
Hopeless for Me Too.
To someone who was discussing the power of our
desires and how hard it was to hold back from
acting-out, Dov replies:
Yes. There is an
attraction (to the opposite sex). It's natural. It's
overwhelming. Nu? So what? Are you saying that in
the long run it's hopeless? Good! If so, you may
qualify as an addict, like me. Cuz it's hopeless for
me, too. Completely hopeless. Left with my own
resources alone, I will eventually act out using
lust. And it will eventually ruin my life and kill
me. Nu. Mazel Tov. No chiddush there either, for me.
I am an addict. I have a chronic progressive and
fatal disease, like any other. But there is
treatment that offers a daily reprieve, by
finally/really getting a G-d.
For an addict, the 12-step folks I hang out would
honestly suggest, "Go right ahead and enjoy
yourself. If you are looking for a minute of
enjoyment who can stop you? And if we did stop you,
then what would it avail you in the end - or
tomorrow? When you decide
that you have
had enough stupidity and that you want more out
of life, come back and we'll share our solution with
you so that you can start really living
rather than running."
I wouldn't say that, though, cuz I'm
a really nice guy :-) |
|
|
735. |
Wednesday ~ 2 Nissan, 5770 ~ March 17, 2010 |
|
In Today's Issue
-
12 Step Attitude:
"If nothing changes in Me, nothing's gonna
change"
-
Medical Tip of the Day:
Herbal Help for Self Restraint
-
Attitude Tip of the Day:
A Test from Your Boss
-
Daily Dose of Dov:
Taharas Hamishpacha
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
12-Step Attitude
"If nothing changes in Me, nothing's gonna change"
Two beautiful shares from Yosef in SA
I am continuing with SA meetings (trying to make 3
per week) and having daily contact with a sponsor
who has been sober for 26 years. I have started to
feel the relief and even happiness (if I know what
that is) that comes with surrender to the will of a
sponsor rather than my own will. I am starting to
realize and learn the ways that I need to really
protect myself from my disease.
One of our meetings is well attended. There is A LOT
of long term sobriety in the room. It is so
comforting to just sit and breath the same air as
these guys who only could have made it this long
through their relationships with Hashem. I am trying
to learn from them how to get/let Hashem help me
too. The experience of calling a sponsor daily and
hearing his joy in hearing from me is also amazing.
My sponsor has nothing material to gain from the
hours of time he gives me on the phone and over
Skype. That's what makes it a REAL CONNECTION. I am
sure that Hashem speaks to me through him.
Hopefully I have had enough of trying to do this
my way. The SA fellowship is truly giving
me a happiness that I have never known.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
When I started getting into stuff that was really
destroying my life and I could not stop despite my
best efforts, I started to realize that if
nothing changes in me, nothing is going to change! I
prayed to be connected to someone who could help me
and I was eventually led to an SA sponsor with 26
years of sobriety from stuff that was even more far
out that I had ever ventured into. I asked him
what had enabled him to stay sober for 26 years
while I kept falling (and his challenges were far
greater than mine). He told me that the difference
was that he believed that he had a disease, and that
I didn't believe that I did. He said that his
experience with thousands of guys like me has shown
him that guys who believe they have a disease have
much better long-term sobriety that guys that don't.
(By the way, he is also a physician). Anyway, he has
taught me that I am not a bad person (a sinner)
trying to be a good person, but rather a sick person
trying to become healthy one. So, B"H it's working
for me. If I didn't accept that I have a disease
(which could kill me, my wife and children, my
career, my name, etc. ) then I wouldn't make it a
big enough priority to stay sober.
My sponsor puts his sobriety before everything, even
his family and career. I asked him how he could do
this. He said, imagine that you have diabetes and
you don't take your insulin, the consequence would
be going into a diabetic coma and dying!
Looking back now, I think my problem in accepting
the disease model was just that I had just not lost
enough yet.
Good luck to you! |
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Medical Tip of the Day
Herbal Help for Self Restraint
We received this e-mail today:
We were told by a couple of Rabbonim that we should
contact your organization. We are an herbal company
called Nonichai and we have developed herbal natural
products that may be of interest to your cause. They
have no negative side effects, no after effects, no
withdrawal effects and are all perfectly safe and
natural.
Please go to our website www.nonichaihealth.com and
under the product section scroll down to the
category called Self Restraint. When you put the
cursor on the category of Self Restraint you will
see the introduction in there, which is self
explanatory. Then underneath that there are products
for men and products for women, as well as for
married couples. Put the cursor over each topic and
a window will open so you can see what products are
available for each. When you click on each product,
it will explain to you how the product works and
what it does.
At this time we only have in stock the products
called For Youth (for men) and also Self Restraint
#3 for men. The remaining products for men, women
and couples were sold out to a distributor in Europe
and it would take us maybe one to two months to do
production for all of them again. That will not be
until after Pesach.
This was an unexpected situation but at least we are
letting you know we do still have two of the
products available for purchase immediately online.
If you have any questions please feel free to
contact us. You can speak with me, Dr. Shalom. Women
can speak to Gila.
Thank you and wishing you a Freilichen Pesach,
Dr. Shalom
Nonichai Health
Tel NY: +1 (718) 554-3098
Tel FL:+1(305)517-7052
gila@nonichaihealth.com
www.nonichaihealth.com |
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Attitude Tip of the Day
A Test from Your Boss
"Steve" (who just hit 90 days clean) shared today on
the forum:
I was finishing a project for a client who needed it
ASAP, the file was finished at 10 pm and ready to
turn into a PDF. Then WAMMO, the file and all it's
backups were corrupted and couldn't be opened. I
wanted to YELL AND SCREAM AND CRY at the same time.
My very smart wife said quietly 'It's another test
from Hashem, to see if you'll get angry..."
In the back of my
head, that stupid menuval was banging away, trying
to get me to look at the wrong things on line, to
get back at "the world" for making life tough. I
yelled back at him "NO!! You can't fool me! This is
a TEST from your Boss, and I'm gonna PASS IT with
flying colors!!"
So, B"H, with a
minimal amount of R.I.D (Resentment, Irritability &
Discontent), I got up, changed computers, and
started all over again.
I just finished and
sent it off to him, though he's sleeping by now.
And that's where I'M
heading too!! Finally!! |
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Daily Dose of Dov
Dov is sober in SA for over 10 years. See his story
here.
Taharas Hamishpacha
Taharas Hamishpacha has been, per my
wife, the single most important thing that kept our
relationship going during the worst times of trouble
and pain due to my addiction. It enabled a safe
boundary for her and it made it a bit more clear to
me that I really do not own her, in any way - especially sexually.
It helps refresh our relationship during good times,
and sends a message to both of us that we answer to
a higher authority than ourselves.
Youch! It's precious!
Almost as precious as my sobriety. |
|
|
736. |
Thursday ~ 3 Nissan, 5770 ~ March 18, 2010 |
|
In Today's Issue
-
Attitude Tip of the Day:
Don't Live in the Problem
-
Personal Victory of the Day:
A Moment of Clarity
-
Practical Tip of the Day:
Tips for Web Guys
-
Daily Dose of Dov:
I Don't "Work on Myself"
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Attitude Tip of the Day
Don't Live in the Problem
"Tiredoffalling" writes:
So I finally cut off internet access from my phone.
I am extremely relieved that I no longer have to
worry about looking at p**n and I can now focus on
really living my life in a pure way.On the other
hand, I am very afraid of the withdrawal process.
I've gone through it before, and I'm scared to go
through it again.
"Eye.nonymous" replies:
One thing that helped me a lot with the withdrawal
symptoms is a little slogan here, "Don't live in the
problem, live in the solution."
I grappled with the
idea for a while, trying it on in all different
ways, until I finally had a breakthrough.
For me, it means not
to live life with a focus "I'm not going to act
out!" Because this could drive someone crazy.
Rather, focus on the
positive and productive things you can do throughout
your day. Automatically, there will be no room left
for worrying about "I'm not going to act out!" |
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Personal Victory of the Day
A Moment of Clarity
By "Dmaot"
This morning is the closest I've been to a fall. I
actually typed the address of a p**n site into my
browser. I felt completely helpless - as if my
intellect had been turned off and I could simply not
reason with myself. Suddenly - seemingly out of
no-where - I has a split second of clarity which I
somehow managed to use to not push the 'Enter' key
and immediately closed the window. I'm typing this
30 seconds later.
If that's not a
little booster from Hashem, I don't know what is. |
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Practical Tip of the Day
Tips For Web-Guys
By "DovInIsrael"
I sit at the computer all day ... and my job
requires me to constantly be searching.
Some other things
I've found help me stay clean when I need to be at
the computer:
1. Make sure you are
drinking WATER!
2. Eliminate colas,
coffee, cakes, cookies, and other high stimulants
which over-stimulate and over-excite us.
3. Eliminate the
white foods: milk, white sugar, salt, white rice.
4. Replace them with
foods to remind you to be more aware of your own
seed, such as Cucumbers, peppers, nuts, and other
misc seeds.
5. Do you have a
dreydel? When you get the urge to click and flick,
train your finger to spin the draydel in stead.
6. Stick stuck -
click through some of the GYE postings on
the forum, or send an e-mail to a friend in
recovery!
7. Get up - wash your
face - and look yourself in the mirror and tell
that strong guy in the mirror: I BELIEVE IN YOU -
YOU CAN DO IT! |
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Daily Dose of Dov
Dov is sober in SA for over 10 years. See his story
here.
I Don't "Work On Myself"
Whatever I have in terms of a relationship with
Hashem is "home-grown", meaning: born naturally out
of living sober, rather than anything I
specifically or consciously "worked on". And my
tools are using
the steps in a chevra of others using them, to
bumble through Life with G-d's help.
His credentials are quite good so
I ask Him for help frequently through the day,
remember that I can't hide anything from Him, and
accept that He has nothing more
important to do than to
help me -
or He wouldn't have made me at all! He certainly
wasn't forced to
make me!
In fact, "working on
myself" is not really in my lexicon any more. Good
living brings these things out and seems to cause
automatic growth in every single department of my
life and in every relationship. Bad living (that is,
strictly for myself
and in myself)
makes me so miserable that I get the heck out of it
whenever I start living poorly! Self-focused living
is like a vacuum cleaner - it sucks.
It seems to me that
ego deflation is a big part of it... maybe the
biggest part. In other words, the
old way of "working on myself" - and always looking
back to see if tzidkus, tahara, middos tovos... were
catching up on me yet, simply doesn't work for me at
all. In
fact, it's poisonous for me. Nevertheless, I firmly
believe that consciously working on one's self in a
measured fashion is a
valid derech of yiddishkeit and was probably used
successfully in one style or another by bazzillions
of our forebears for hundreds of years in Europe and
elsewhere. It's not the flavor I get from medrashim
and s'forim about earlier generations though, but
what do I know?
Well, what I do
know is, that as an addict, it screws me up when I
try to use that derech. It
puts me at
the center, not Hashem. It
quite possibly helped to create this addict in the
first place.
Though the 12-step program seems like a
self-centered way to work on yourself, it's not.
It's a way to allow G-d to work on me. It gets me out of
His way, that's all. Those folks who work the steps
like another "self-help program" are no surprise to
me. They are doing self-help -
but the Program is G-d-help!
It's about starting to do His Will
for His sake
rather than for s'char/not getting punished/being
happy/whatever, and it's about being useful to
people. And while my motivation may be my own
survival, I don't consider the basic survival
instinct selfish... sorry.
I am, of course, 'all
for' the yeshiva experience, mussar, and us Jewish
people working on ourselves. But I feel that for
an addict that
may need to be tweaked quite a bit by slowly but
surely shifting the entire motivation to G-d and for
helping other people. Anything
but my
personal desires of kin'ah, ta'ava, or kavod,
basically. And no, there may be no way to know which
kids are getting screwed up by the self-centeredness
of the whole thing, vs. who's thriving. Perhaps the
really smart people need to get together and talk
this one over. It's way over my head. [But I would
put a stop to those silly mirrors for "checking
tefilin" (take a peek and watch if the bochur checks
his face out
too!) and to
the GQ-ish business of dressing nuveau-yeshivish.
Maybe I'm just a judgmental old fool (I am!), but to
me, those shinanigans may easily replace our
bochur's fledgling concern for pnimius with the
quite natural (stupid) teenage motivation for chitzonius.
Yakity yak-yak...] |
|
|
737. |
Friday ~ 4 Nissan, 5770 ~ March 19, 2010
Erev Shabbos Parshas Vayikrah |
|
In Today's Issue
-
Parsha Talk 1:
"Knock Knock"
-
Parsha Talk 2:
Ki Lechol Ha'am Bishgagah
-
Personal Victory of the Day:
Letting Go of Control
-
Daily Dose of Dov:
I Can Always Be With Him
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Parsha Talk 1: Vayikra
"Knock Knock"
By "Bardichev"
This weeks Parsha begins with the famous word
Vayikra - with the small Alef.
Much has been said
about the small Alef.
Bardichev will
attempt to add a relevant message.
In the perek Tehillim
that we say
every Friday night right before lecha dodi, there
are 7 references to Hashem's voice: With strength,
beauty, breaks
cedar trees, etc.
Yet in this Parsha, it seems that Hashem called out
to Moshe in a small voice.
So which one is it?
Here goes:
Hashem calls out to
us all the time:
"Knock Knock"
Nice and soft...
"Kol dodi dofek,
pischu li - the sounds of my beloved knocks, open
for me".
"Knock knock"
"Pssst, hey you, it's
Hashem"
"Knock knock, I want
you to let me into your life!"
"Psssstttt"...
But if we don't hear the quiet knocks, they start to
get louder...
"KNOCK KNOCK!!"
(the school of hard-knocks)
"I WANT YOU TO PAY
ATTENTION!!"
Yes, Moshe Rabbainu
"gets it" on the first vayikra - with the small Alef.
We need to pay
attention to the little things in life...
It's Hashem saying ..
"Knock knock"... let
Me in.
Good Shabbos
Bardichev |
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Parsha Talk 2: Vayikra
"Ki Lechol Ha'am Bishgagah"
By "Yosef Hatzadik"
In the Gemara in Sanhedrin (26:) Rav
Nachman states that even though someone who
committed a sin is disqualified from serving as a
witness, the aveira of arayos is not as stringent.
Tosafos explain that even though the general rule is
that a mumar
leta'ovin is
considered a sinner, the aveira of arayos is
different. This aveira has such a big Yetzer Horah,
that we cannot condemn someone as easily over a slip
in this area.
This may be alluded
to in this week's parsha: V'im
kol adas yisroel yishgu -
if a whole generation of k'lal yisroel may stumble
[due to the accessibility of the internet], V'nelam
davar mei'einei hakahal -
and due to the anonymity (because nobody sees and
knows exactly what I am doing online), V'osu
achas mikol mitzvos Hashem asher lo sei'asenu -
and that will bring to "the one" aveiro which we
should not be doing [Hz"l is the WORST aveiro], V'asheimu...
V'noda'a hachatos asher chotu alei'ah -
even when we realize how low we have fallen, V'hikrivo
hakahal -
he is still part of the Kahal, and davka
through the power of the Kahal (like the group
support of the GYE community), he will find his
salvation! |
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Personal Victory of the Day
Letting Go of Control
"Withgdshelp" writes:
It's been 12 days and I don't even have a desire to
sin.
I just decided to
stop arguing with people, including my wife, my
family and my friends.
If someone disagrees,
I smile and stay silent. If I get criticized, I
smile, stay silent, and thank Hashem for the
beautiful, wonderful, instant Kaparah. For if
someone insults you, and you don't respond, all of
your sins are forgiven. Why? It's Midah Kineged
Midah. Because you had every right to defend
yourself, but you chose to forgo your rights. So
too, Hashem has every right to punish you for your
sins, but Hashem will "follow your example" (kaveyachol)
and forgo His rights.
Just get passed the
need to "control" everything, be happy always, and
Hashem will make miracles for you! |
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Daily Dose of Dov
Dov is sober in SA for over 10 years. See his story
here.
I Can Always Be With Him
Please forgive my frankness, but there is no one I
know who has himself at
the center of his universe more than me in
that trance, staring at schmutz or masturbating. And
I believe that anyone who
has done that r"l, knows exactly what
I mean. Do you? The entire desperate lusting
experience is all about "me", isn't it? What feels
more "real" or more "powerful" than that? No wonder!
That's what makes it so consumingly consuming!
Nebach.
"All about me" - like
acting out on lust - means no apparent connection
with my Shoresh at all, no apparent connection with
other people, and no apparent connection with Hashem.
I'm "on my own". Well, good luck to us on our own.
That's the curse of the nachash (S'fas Emess: He has
food everywhere so he's "on his own"!) - while Adam
got a "curse" of a choosing between more suffering
on his own (lots
of weeds) or more dependence
on Hashem. Choosing the nachash's way - to go it
alone (with my lust "friends"!) - leads to hell on
earth, eventually.
Nu. What can we do?
It sure is hard to convince anyone that they can
really find whatever they are looking for in Hashem,
so most of us need to lose stuff, first. It's not a punishment,
challilah - it's just the Truth: there's nothing -
really - there! That "powerful", "vital" experience I
have with me and
my porn... it's useless. A mighty scary realization,
if you ask me! I depended for so long on isolating
with my schmutz when the going got really tough!
When we finally see that it's useless with our own
eyes, it changes the game. The shmuessen may not
help. It seems that we addicts need "Toh Chazi"
(come and see), not "Toh Shma" (come and hear).
What I am trying to lead to is this: If
you are having a tough time getting to Hashem, take
a tough and honest look at what you are really still
hanging onto instead of Him. There
is no shame here. We know that many of us hang onto
money, food, other people, whatever... and they
serve them instead of Hashem. Most
people can get away with that and remain essentially
good, frummeh yidden.
But not us. We can't
afford to play that game. At least we can't tolerate
it as well as normals can.
And this is "working"
step 2 ("We
came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves
could restore us to sanity").
As a result of
working step 2 - out of the need to remain sober at
all costs - I have begun to find a relationship with
Hashem that goes with me everywhere. Even under my
blankets on a cold morning when I feel like crapola
and don't want to do anything! Even when I slip into
self-absorption and self-pity. Even when life hurts
like crazy... I can still be with Him, talk to Him
and He can help me be useful to Him and to people!
Because He is at least nearer to
the center of "my universe," now. |
|
|
738. |
Sunday ~ 6 Nissan, 5770 ~ March 21, 2010 |
|
In Today's Issue
-
Personal Victory of the Day:
The Crux of Recovery
-
Testimonial of the Day:
"My life has completely changed"
-
Attitude Tip of the Day:
Giving out Grants
-
Daily Dose of Dov:
Saffron Rice Pilaf with Chateuneuf
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Personal Victory of the Day
The Crux of Recovery
"Eye.nonymous" (who is clean for over 140 days) had
a medical emergency with one of his kids and his
wife had to spend a few days in the hospital. He
writes:
Here I've been all week trying to take care of the
children, preparing meals for them, dressing and
cleaning them, washing dishes, doing the laundry,
trying to keep the house from getting too messy to
live in, shopping, and other assorted chores. And
I'm doing it all alone. It really takes a lot out of
a person. I was thinking how difficult it is to do
this all alone.
THEN, after a whole
week, it finally dawned on me: THIS IS HOW MY WIFE
USUALLY IS. I thought of myself and my addiction.
Not so much the acting out, but the root of it--self
centeredness and escapism. Avoiding responsibility.
Hiding from life's challenges instead of facing
them. Waking up whenever I manage to get out of bed
and go to daven, pop in for breakfast, run off to
morning seder, pop in for lunch and then go "work"
on the computer [not looking at p** for the last few
months B"H, but definitely wasting a lot of time],
then run off to afternoon seder, come home for
dinner and then go "work" some more.
True, I do help some.
But I never realized before how thoroughly selfish I
have actually been acting.
So, with all this, my
wife is usually taking care of all these things,
pretty much ALONE!
It's an awful lot to
expect from one person.
In the past, we've
had similar situations. I did more to help out for a
while and realized "hey, why don't I do this even
when we're not suffering a medical emergency?" This
lasted for maybe a week, and then I was back to
usual.
I hope this time is
different. It's not how much or how little I
do that's the problem. It's my outlook. Am I
trying to escape life's challenges, or am I trying
to TRULY be helpful?
Dov Responds to this beautiful post:
Dear Reb Eye,
Thanks again for a
beautiful post. What you described in this real-life
share hits home for me totally. It's the crux of
recovery for me, no question. And as long as I
remain sober, I find myself staying on the path you
describe and it seems there is just no way to stop
growing! Thanks again!
Refuah Sheleima and
hatzlacha with your improving life together! |
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Testimonial of the Day
"My Life Has Completely Changed"
By "H.G"
It's 81 days now and my life has completely changed.
I am more happy, energized and connected to Hashem
then ever. Shivati eilacha vatirpa'eini ("I
beseeched you and you healed me" - Tehillim). My
great doctor is GYE. And the best part of my journey
is that it has been so easy, ever since I accepted
the concepts of the
attitude approach. |
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Attitude Tip of the Day
Giving out Grants
By "Briut"
I recently read an article in some frum newspaper
story, and it's helping me a lot...
This guy described
himself as the irritable type. Some joker would come
up in shul and open the window he had just closed.
(How dare he!) Some idiot would drive too fast, or
too slow, or not know how to operate their cash
register. You know, just little annoyances.
And then, his first kid got engaged. He was on top
of the world. Full of joy. These things somehow
stopped taking away from his simchas ha'chaim
because he had so much simcha. And he realized he
could act toward all these annoying people like a
billionaire foundation chief. He could "give a
grant" to that joker to close the window without his
getting alarmed. He could "give a grant" to be
patient with idiots. He could "give a grant" to just
about anyone to allow just about anything.
After all, he was ON
TOP of the world, and it was HIS universe and HE
could decide to be as nice as he wanted. And since
he felt like Warren Buffett, it wasn't hard at all.
So he started giving
out grants, for free, in his head. And all of a
sudden these people weren't so annoying anymore.
After all, he had a billion dollars and giving them
a grant only cost a small sum. So, in his totally
egotistic view of the world, he conquered his
irritation by being in charge of giving them
permission to act imperfectly.
So now if my wife
burns the noodles, I can give her a grant to be
imperfect... And when she sings off-key, I can TRY
to remember that she really ENJOYS singing, that it
means a lot to her. I can give her a grant for
singing time. It's an expensive gift, granted (I
have musical training; off-key is PAINFUL), but I'm
benevolent and rich and kind and (totally full of
ego and gaiveh and stuff and) happy to give a gift
to a fellow human being :-) |
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Daily Dose of Dov
Dov is sober in SA for over 10 years. See his story
here.
Saffron Rice Pilaf with Chateuneuf
Someone asked on the forum:
How can we give to G-d? G-d doesn't get anything
when we do a mitzva.....
(See
this link for an interesting take on this
question)
Dov replies:
The entire issue seems a boondoggle to me. Just like
figuring out exactly why and
to precisely what I
am addicted, bechirah and yediyah, bechirah and
addiction, bechirah and a nice saffron rice pilaf
with chateuneuf... Finally figuring these deep (and
useless) things out is just something I am too
stupid to do, I figure. If I were smart
enough, though, would it matter?
I choose (that's bechirah, for you) to relegate
these issues to the dustbin of my mind, where issues
like "how refrigerators, my intestines, and women
really work" are put to rest.
Scratching those itches
may not help me, but responding to the things that
have already kicked my butt hard (to get my
attention) certainly will help
me. Things like:
-
I am in a great deal of trouble, on my own, per
my track record. (step 1)
-
I need G-d's assistance,
as no human power seems to have helped me. (step
2)
-
When I actually follow (rather than study)
some simple steps (3-12) I remain sober, get a
clearer head, and the people around me are much
happier.
-
I can't keep G-d's
help while going it alone.
-
The guys who come to meetings and never get
better are often the ones who talk incessantly
about how they are "here to finally figure
this thing out."
-
Oh, and the final one is that rice is much
better with (a little) saffron and a nice white
wine.
Luvya, bud. |
|
|
739. |
Monday ~ 7 Nissan, 5770 ~ March 22, 2010 |
|
In Today's Issue
-
Testimonial of the Day:
"From now on there's no turning back"
-
Personal Victory of the Day:
Hashem Paid me in Cash
-
Quote of the Day:
Facing the Truth About Ourselves
-
Attitude Tip of the Day:
Meaningless Tiny Steps
-
Daily Dose of Dov:
He does not forget about the good in us
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Testimonial of the Day
"From now on there's no turning back"
We have a member on our forum who calls himself "JewInPain".
He posted once about his tragic life story; so much
terrible, heart breaking pain (see
here).
But today he wrote on the forum:
Hey guys, today is day 56 clean. I can't believe how
good you made me feel, all of you. I
feel like a drunkie these days, like I had at least
a full gallon of Vodka. I'm in a great mood, I'm
being mechazek everyone, I pray much deeper, I feel
just happy to be a Jew and to have such holy
brothers here who help me help others. I know Hashem
is proud of us all.
The Tiferas Shlomo says that Pesach night is not
like any other night where Hashem visits the
Tzadikim who learn Torah at Chatzos. Instead on
Pesach, Hashem goes down to the lowest places, like
in Mitzrayim, and He comes to see how we Jews are
doing in our own personal golus - and how we
are coping, and He listens to us and pulls us out.
That's the holy night ahead of us folks, so please
fasten your seat-belts, Hashem is gonna take us for
a sky ride, He'll pull us out from this dirt and
just help us get closer to Him.
I really thank all of you guys for helping me reach
this stage, and I thank Hashem for giving me the
strength to do it, and I know that without His help
I won't make it. He's the driving power. From now on
there is no turning back. I'm his eved ne'eman
for life - Iy"h. |
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Personal Victory of the Day
Hashem Paid me in Cash
"oneLife" writes:
I'm very excited!! What I'm gonna write here could
be a tremendous chizuk for all of us.
Two months ago, I
mentioned in my thread that my daughter did a blood
test and was diagnosed as probably having a
"celiac". The reliability of that test is very high;
over 90 percent. But to strengthen the diagnosis to
100%, she must do one more invasive test where the
pediatrician takes a biopsy from her duodenum. The
results of that test are given after two weeks.
"Celiac" is a disease where the patient must avoid
of eating everything made of gluten for the rest of
their life... no bread, pasta, waffles, etc. almost
everything is made of this material. It's very
difficult, all the more so when dealing with
children. So
we did the second test and awaited the results.
During the waiting
period, I prayed with a lot of kavana time after
time in Shemonah Esrei, I spoke with G-d and told
him: "G-d, I'm almost 100 days clean, I'll put all
my 100 clean days on the one side of the balance,
and you will put on the second side what you want.
But I think that my 100 clean days are very heavy,
heavier than the second side of the balance. Please
G-d, give us a negative answer. You can't ignore all
my clean days!"
Today I spoke with
the doctor and you can guess what the answer was...
negative!!!
(It doesn't mean that
my daughter is absolutely healthy, but it means that
she can eat everything for the moment, and that's
the important point for now.)
My holy friends, I
don't know what I would have told G-d if I wasn't
clean for this streak. I probably would have had
nothing to tell him, and Chas Veshalom the test
answer would have been positive.
In my case, G-d
"paid" me in "cash". |
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Quote of the Day
Facing the Truth about Ourselves
Someone sent us an e-mail:
ESPN aired last night
an interview with Tiger Woods about the events
that have transpired in the last couple of months
and how he has worked on improving himself. I think
a lot of people can relate to that with their
personal struggles. Thank you for all your
tremendous work on behalf of ALL of Klal Yisroel.
Tiger Woods says in the interview with ESPN's Tom
Rinaldi:
"I was living a life of a lie. I really was. And I
was doing a lot of things that hurt a lot of people.
By stripping away denial and rationalization, you
start coming to the truth of who you really are and
that can be very ugly. But then again, when you face
it and you start conquering it and you start living
up to it... The strength that I feel now, I've never
felt that type of strength." |
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Attitude Tip of the Day
"Meaningless" Tiny Steps
By "Tried123"
Hi, my name is "Tried123" and I am really messed
up...
I met with a
therapist at age 14 but he couldn't help me...
I met with another
therapist at age 15; he couldn't either help me...
I then met with
another therapist who couldn't help me...
I was advised to go
for medication, but I tried about a dozen different
ones with nearly no results...
After about 4-5 yrs and 10-12 therapists, I finally
met a therapist who was able
to help me...
I met with this
therapist for a few years now, with no drastic
results....
But over these long
few years, I slowly transformed into a different
person...
I am still far from up-to-par, but I know that I can
take one meaningless tiny step after another
meaningless tiny step, and yet another one - and
another - and another...
A long, long, long string of meaningless tiny steps
can add up into something quiet meaningful...
What the heck... life is often miserable... I am not
aiming for the stars, I am merely trying to see
where there is a possibility for a small, tiny,
winy, winy step in the right direction.... It won't
solve anything, but that's what G-d wants... (And
from years and years of doing this, I know that when
I look back, there is no single point where things
changed, but things do change...)
When R' Akiva saw a stone with a hole caused by
continuous drips of water, he was inspired to
continue working, despite his lack of any success...
What did he see in
the stone?
He realized that
after a drip dropped, nothing changed....
And another drip
dropped and nothing changed.....
etc, etc, etc...
But when this goes on for long enough, something as
hard as a rock gets penetrated....
Why...?
Because with each drop something did change,
only it was nothing grand, nothing big, it was
unnoticeable...
But change it did.
I find that when I set small, small goals and
appreciate tiny improvements... it gives me
hope...
All those efforts and all those failures... and you
still feel like you are right were you started...
But that is a
mistake. You have changed, you simply
have to continue what you were doing for it to
become noticeable one day...
You are in the
process of penetrating the impenetrable.... But one
tiny step at a time...
You are trying...
Continue to
just try... |
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Daily Dose of Dov
Dov is sober in SA for over 10 years. See his story
here.
He does not forget about the Good in us
If we really appreciated the preciousness of a
single day sober with Hashem and His precious
people, things would be different for many of us. We
wouldn't let the past color the good times
vomit-green. We wouldn't feel like giving up when we
fell.
This perspective
makes all the difference.
I first learned of this "in action" from Reb Tzvi-Meyer.
And it's the way Hashem Himself operates:
For example, He is at a beis oveil being
menachem yidden with shredded hearts right now r"l,
and simultaneously at a leibedigeh chasuna
somewhere, bringing intense simcha to another
family's hearts. He doesn't "lose perspective" at
all, because they are both true - they are both
reality - at the same time! R' Tzvi-Meyer says that
this is why Hashem can love us even if we have done
bad things and are a mess: because He does not
forget about the Good in us... it's still
there... there's no contradiction to Hashem.
We, unfortunately, often do forget.
Maybe that's why we are called "enosh" - as in "nosheh":
to jump, or slip from it's place (gid hanasheh) - we
forget!
If we'd actually
appreciate a
day with
our spouses if we have one; with our children if we
have some; with our jobs if we've got one; with our
sanity, if we have it; with whatever we've "got" -
things would be beautiful even though we fell, lost
stuff, screwed some stuff up, in other words: were human.
"Beautiful" does not have to be "perfect" to still
be beautiful.
Just like my spouse, kids, job, sobriety, and self. |
|
|
740. |
Tuesday ~ 8 Nissan, 5770 ~ March 23, 2010 |
|
In Today's Issue
-
Important Announcement:
New number for Duvid Chaim's Conference Call
-
Therapy Tip of the Day:
How do we deal with Withdrawal Symptoms?
-
Daily Dose of Dov:
27,375 days = 75 Years -
(Don't miss this Daily Dose!)
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT
In regards to
Duvid Chaim's 12-Step Phone Conference
Please note that beginning tomorrow, Wednesday March
24th, Duvid Chaim's phone conference will begin
using a new Conference Call In Number.
Come on Board and Join Ranks with the Finest Crew
that ever Sailed the Ocean Blue, by Dialing:
(760) 569-6000
With the same access code as before:
121318#
PS - One of the main reasons we are making this
switch is because some of
our Shipmates have
found free or virtually free long distance calling
services such as:
And our prior call in number would not work with
these free services.
Our NEW NUMBER has
been tested and works with these.
I can not vouch for
any of the free services, so "caller discretion is
advised!" |
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Therapy Tip of the Day
How do we deal with Withdrawal Symptoms?
Today one of the great warriors on our forum had a
fall after about 70 days clean. He felt he had
to fall because the withdrawal was causing
him to feel as if he was "on the edge of a big
emotional cliff" and he claimed that he felt "the
edge of his sanity coming into range".
These kind of feelings are normal within the first
half a year (or so) of recovery, especially after
taking a few lust hits - and even more so
when unmarried or when the wife is not available. We
feel we're going nuts, stress builds, we lose
patience, we're uncomfortable, and we rationalize
that if we don't act out we'll go totally
nuts.
Elya K, who mans the
hotline and moderates
a 12-Step phone conference, sent me today an
article he wrote that discusses the withdrawal
symptoms that are typical in early recovery.
Besides for the fact
that "pre-warned is pre-armed", Elya's
article also gives some good practical
advice on
how to deal with these very uncomfortable feelings.
Elya K. writes:
In Chapter 3 of the book "Staying
Sober" by Gorski & Miller, the authors speak of
a phenomenon called PAW which stands for "Post
Acute Withdrawal". These are the
sobriety based symptoms people go through while they
are SOBER, not while they are in their addiction.
The symptoms of PAW usually grow to peak intensity
at about three to six months after abstinence
begins. No wonder so many of us have trouble at
around the 3 month (90 day) mark. The book
identifies 6 symptoms of Post Acute Withdrawal. The
most identifiable characteristic is the inability to
solve usually simple problems. These 6 symptoms
contribute to this:
-
(1)
The inability to think clearly:
Intelligence is not affected, but your brain
sometimes malfunctions. Most of the time, this
is manifested in the inability to concentrate
for more than a few minutes at a time. Another
manifestation is rigid and repetitive thinking.
-
(2)
Memory problems: short term memory
problems are very common in recovery. Something
you understand now, you may forget within 20
minutes.
-
(3)
Numbness and overreaction: People with
emotional problems overreact. It's like holding
down the "times" key on a calculator. Little
annoyances are multiplied by the stresses of
before. You become angry over trivial matters,
putting stress on your nervous system, which in
turn can cause an emotional shutdown.
-
(5)
Physical coordination problems:
dizziness, imbalance, slow reflexes, clumsiness.
-
(6)
Stress sensitivity: Difficulty in
managing stress. You feel stressed out in
situations that don't normally stress you out.
Also, the other symptoms (mentioned above)
become worse when you're stressed out.
The problem is, acting out can alleviate many of
these problems. But we cannot continue to act out
and remain sober. Recovery requires abstinence.
Therefore we have to do everything in our power to
reduce the PAW symptoms.
How do we do this?
Because stress triggers and intensifies the
symptoms, we can control PAW by managing
stress while we're in withdrawal and becoming sober.
The following things are important for keeping
stress levels down:
-
A proper diet
-
Exercise
-
Regular habits
-
Positive attitude
When experiencing PAW, here's how to bring symptoms
under control:
-
Verbalization: As much as you can, express what
you are thinking and feeling to someone else,
even if it seems irrational and unfounded.
-
Reality testing: Ask someone if you are making
sense, not just in what you're saying, but in
your behavior as well.
It is these sobriety based symptoms that lead to
relapse, because relapse does not occur at the
moment of acting out, but days, weeks or even months
before when we do not deal with these stressors
properly. A written game plan, stress busters,
verbalization and reality testing should become a
daily habit in your personal battle toward sobriety
and serenity.
Join
Elya's weekly phone conference to learn more
about these important concepts, and to have a chance
to express yourself amongst a group of others in a
warm, accepting and anonymous environment. |
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Daily Dose of Dov
Dov is sober in SA for over 13 years. See his story
here.
27,375 days = 75 years
Someone wrote to Dov:
I recently fell after a clean period of 40 days, and
it hurts. How can I finally beat this thing so that
I never come back to it? I want to do a real,
permanent Teshuva rather than having the difficulty
to build till I just lose again!
Dov replies:
Don't kill me here please; the answer may not seem
to make much sense, but here it is:
Recovery has to be worked one day at a time. There
cannot be 40 days... it has to be for today only.
This is not a pep-talk I am giving here, I am
sharing with you what actually works for me. That's
what you want it seems, not just "hashkafa".
Is there "obliteration" of the lust?
I have no idea and it's none of my business, but I
have been sober today so far for thirteen+ years,
and don't care to look back yet to check the
success. Tzaddikim will look back (after death) and
see a mountain, and cry in wonder: How did we do
that?! We were just trying to be OK (in our case: sober)
for one day...
and look at what it became! A giant pile of years!"
Excuse me, but these tzaddikim are not stupid - they
know that their 27,000 days add up to about 75
years. But that's not the point at all. They are
shocked because they never tried to overcome a
mountain! It was always only that
day
that they were concerned with, be"H.
As long as my struggle is just to not
act out, it remains a contest between me
and my addiction. And the stakes build with time. We
cannot "hold out" on our own indefinitely, even one
day at a time, I believe. It's a mountain and we
cannot overcome it, period. In my case at least, I
have come to see that it is inevitable that I'll
screw up eventually. Sobriety only succeeds
if Hashem grants me a reprieve from my powerlessness
over lust for this one day. To allow Him (yes, allow
Hashem) to do that for me, I must learn
how to maintain my spiritual condition today and
remain vigilant because I tend to lie to myself and
forget my disability. For me, that is the height of
sheker and ga'ava. It closes me off from His help.
To do this, I use the steps and a chevra
(fellowship). I know of no other way to maintain the
honesty, openness, and willingness that I need in
order to keep myself out of Hashem's way.
I don't need perfection, nor do I need to deserve
this daily miracle. I just need to surrender to the
truth about myself and begin to put my life in His
care today. I must live in the present - right now -
and not get distracted by tomorrow or yesterday.
And I can't do it alone. I need regular meetings
with like-minded people, a sponsor, friends who I
can call daily, and to develop a real and
simple relationship with a G-d of my very own. Elohai.
That's what yidden always meant when they used that
word in davening - He's my G-d.
Dodi li
- "my Beloved is for me".
I may still need a lot of work, I may be a mess. But
I have found that He'll accept me anyway.
This is the real deal: Real emunah, not
tzidkus nor perfection, just the real thing.
Does this help? |
|
|
741. |
Wednesday ~ 9 Nissan, 5770 ~ March 24, 2010 |
|
In Today's Issue
-
Torah Thought of the Day:
Z'man Cheiruseinu: Independence Day?
-
Daily Dose of Dov:
Don't Try Harder; Trust
Harder
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Torah Thought of the Day
Z'man Cheiruseinu:
An Independence Day Celebration?
By Rabbi Dr. Abraham
J. Twerski
I learned much from working with an addicted
population.
I know how you celebrate an Independence Day.
Parades, picnics, hot-dogs, patriotic speeches, and
fireworks-that's it. Whoever heard of an
Independence Day that lasts a week, and for which
you must prepare weeks in advance, cleaning the
house and sterilizing the kitchen as if it were an
operating room? That's a bit of an overkill for an
Independence Day, isn't it?
Oh, well. Jews like to do things differently. But
then, every Friday night we say in Kiddush that
Shabbat is in commemoration of our deliverance from
Egypt. We don't invoke July 4 every week!
But we're not finished yet. Tefillin and tzitzis are
in commemoration of our deliverance from Egypt. Now
it's a daily thing! In fact, many other mitzvos are
in commemoration of our deliverance from Egypt. We
must concede that as an Independence Day
celebration, this is a bit much.
I came to the realization of what zman
cheiruseinu is
all about when a young man who was recovering from
years of heavy drug addiction attended his father's seder.
When his father began reciting the Haggadah, "Avadim
hayinu," we were slaves to Pharaoh, the son
interrupted him. "Abba," he said, "can you
truthfully say that you yourself was a slave? I can
tell you what it means to be a slave. All those
years that I was on drugs, I was enslaved by drugs.
I had no freedom. I did things that I never thought
I was capable of doing, but I had no choice. The
drugs demanded it, and I had to do it. Today I am a
free person."
When the young man related this to me, Passover
suddenly took on an entirely new meaning. Yes, we
can be slaves to a tyrannical ruler. But we can also
be slaves to drugs, to alcohol, to cigarettes, to
food, to lust or to gambling. Any time we lose
control of our behavior, we are slaves. If we are
not in control of our anger, we are slaves to anger.
People who cannot detach themselves from the office
are slaves to it. A person can be a slave to making
money or to pursuing acclaim. These are enslavements
that are no less ruthless than being slaves to
Pharaoh. We may surrender our precious freedom and
allow our drives and impulses to exercise a
tyrannical rule over us.
It is now clear what zman
cheiruseinu is
all about. It is much more than political
independence, and we can see why we are reminded of
this not only during the week of Passover, but every
Friday night and even multiple times during each
day. We are at all times at risk of surrendering our
precious independence and allowing ourselves to
become enslaved.
Make no mistake. A slave cannot exercise proper
judgment and has no free choice. A person who wants
to live and knows that cigarettes can kill him but
is unable to stop smoking is a slave, and this is
true of many behaviors which we may not consider
addictions. Our thinking becomes distorted, as I
explained in Addictive
Thinking, and we rationalize our
self-destructive behavior.
The young man's comment to his father's reading of
the Haggadah stimulate me to write a commentary, the
Haggadah From
Bondage to Freedom, in which I pointed out that
far from bring a narrative of an historical event,
the Haggadah is a text of identifying our addictive
behaviors and a guideline on how to break loose from
these enslavements and be free people.
Animals are not free. They can not make a choice
between right and wrong. They must do what their
body desires. The uniqueness of man is that we are
free to choose how to act. "Give me liberty or give
me death" is more than a patriotic declaration. To
the degree that we lose our freedom to choose, to
that degree an element of our humanity dies.
The teaching of Passover is to cherish freedom and
not to submit to tyranny, even to the tyranny within
ourselves. |
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Daily Dose of Dov
Dov is sober in SA for over 13 years. See his story
here.
Don't Try Harder; Trust Harder
Someone wrote on the forum:
Nothing is going right for me financially...I'm at
my wits end... I have been davening for my
addiction, and now for my life... Maybe I'm being
punished for what I have done and looked at??
Dov replies:
Punished? Why would Hashem need
to "punish" his kid? Being fixed
up from
all the damage you caused yourself - maybe - but
even these cheshboinos
are silly for me to get involved in, so I try not
to.
All I can say is that
going through what you are experiencing is so hard,
and it's equally difficult for anyone in relative
comfort to really relate to it. I can't give you
real advice, as I feel no pain of worry like yours
right now.
But as a person who has had
some tough times and suffered a bit, I suggest
"trusting harder" rather than "trying harder"/"davening
harder". I can share with you that there are times
when our "trying" is just not enough, no matter how
you slice it. Perhaps we inherently just cannot
really deserve to
get what we want. It's gotta boil down to His
Chessed: Matnas chinom.
Better ask Him for
matnas chinom rather than try to deserve
anything. And consider letting your ma'asim flow
from ahavah: as a child to his father, the
benevolent King. Let go and do (whatever you believe
is) your best, just to make the King proud - because
He's the Greatest. Keeping the basic mitzvos and
perhaps even being machmir at times - all out of
appreciation and love. After all, He does for you
out of love 99.9% of the time anyway, no matter how
hard we try - or fail, right?
Going this way blows
away all the silly taynos of those who say that
it'll bring you to stop keeping the mitzvos if you
serve Hashem with a volunteer mentality.
Pah-leaze. The entire sefer Chovos Halevavos is
just about this point. Nedivus out of hakaras hatov.
And his point isn't the hakaras hatov at all: it's
the nedivus - i.e. the relationship created
by the hakaras hatov (he writes this somewhere in
Sha'ar Avodas hoElokim). We are commanded to do it
so that we know He wants
us to do it, and we do it out of love for the
King. Cuz we know a secret others don't know... the
King is our Tatty!! (Shhh!!)
Try this on like a
shirt for a while and see what you come out with and
let me know. Thanks.
PS. Times like these
may be a good time to take stock of what you do have.
Relationships, stuff, health, whatever, and looking
at how you can appreciate it more and strengthen it
because of
your hard times. After all, suffering "together" is
better than suffering alone - but only if we are
really together. |
|
|
742. |
Thursday ~ 10 Nissan, 5770 ~ March 25, 2010 |
|
In Today's Issue
-
Torah Thought of the Day:
Do you Want to be Free?
-
Attitude Tip of the Day:
Seeing something we can't have
-
Daily Doses of Dov:
What's Scarier? / Feeling Resentment / Burst
Shmurst
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Torah Thought of the Day
Do you Want to be Free?
By "Momo"
Today's the 10th of Nissan.
Today, lets take our
avoda zara, the porn, and tie it to the bedpost
(perhaps the bed-post is a symbol of our sexual
desires).
Let's reveal it what
it really is. Just like our ancestors revealed that
their "god" is only a stinkin' sheep, our "god" is
only temporary pleasure of the flesh.
All HaShem wanted from the Jews before freeing them
was a sign that they wanted to
be free.
What did they have to
do? Take the sheep, their "god", tie it up and see
it tied up for 4 days. Then kill it. Take it's blood
and smear it on the doorposts. Eat it with some
matza and marror. Do brit mila.
For us...
Take the porn, tie it
up with good filters.
Kill it. Delete all
movies and files you have on your computer, phone,
CDs, magazines whatever.
Sheep tied to the
bedpost.
Brit Mila.
See a pattern here?
Their struggle is
our struggle.
The Jews did not want
to leave. They thought it was so good to be
enslaved.
According to the Midrash, 80 percent of the Jews
died in Egypt because they did not want to leave.
Most of the world
loves porn, including Jews too.
Do we want to leave
the world of porn? Or do we want to remain enslaved
forever?
If the latter, we'll
die too, a spiritual death.
If the former, make a
couple of small actions like our forefathers did,
and HaShem will redeem us.
Actions like:
- Saying "no" to the
Y"H.
- Deleting improper
photos.
- Turning away from
that good looking woman walking down the street.
Hashem is just
waiting to take us out, but first we have to show
that we WANT to leave! |
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Attitude Tip of the Day
Seeing something we can't have
By "Commando"
When we see a beautiful woman, we can turn it into
something positive by appreciating the beauty of
Hashem. This is the only long-term solution which
will avoid depression or other problems. Hashem is
the source of all beauty, and we can connect with
that beauty both in this world through holy ways and
in the next world. If you feel a burning passion in
you, you can use that passion to serve Hashem
immediately in whatever way you feel. This has
sometimes worked for me.
There's a Gemorah
somewhere about one of our sages who saw a beautiful
woman while on the Har Habayis and made a bracha to
Hashem over her beauty. Maybe the Gemorah there is
telling us it was on the Har Habayis to teach us
that he was already in a "Har Habayis" state of mind
(because on the Har Habayis you need to be in a
certain frame of mind in awe of Hashem).
Addicts tend to think they need a beautiful woman to
be happy. But if you had all your visual memories of
women erased and then were marooned on a desert
island with a kind wife who isn't attractive, you'd
probably manage to have a happy relationship with
her.
The problem is not that we lack what we need. The
problem is that the other possibilities we see kill
us. Both single and married people are constantly
bombarded day after day seeing women (or pictures of
women) whom we're attracted to but we can't have.
Everywhere we go. A walk to the supermarket, to
shul, at a wedding. And you never know when another
one will pop up. Sometimes they're fleeting
passersby, and sometimes they're your new neighbor
who you'll see every day.
When we see something we want but can't have, that
feels very uncomfortable. Kids will tantrum. Adults
have learned other ways to deal with not getting
what they want, sometimes constructive ways, and
sometimes destructive ways.
If we don't have the right self-awareness, Hashkafos,
and methods to deal with all the feelings this
generates, our lives are going to be miserable. If
we're single, we'll be searching for the one woman
who we think will take our mind off all these other
women (and if we eventually think we found her, that
may work till after Sheva Brochos). If we're
married, we'll be either frustrated, angry, sad,
maybe wondering why we married plain Jane when we
perhaps could have married a more attractive woman,
maybe wondering why the girl who seemed attractive
during dating seems unattractive now. |
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Daily Doses of Dov
Dov is sober in SA for over 13 years. See his story
here.
What's Scarier?
To someone who was afraid of being "found out" by
joining SA, Dov replies:
I have been going to SA for over 13
years and have not been "found out" yet. Neither
have any of my frum and non-frum - and for that
matter - non-jewish - associates.
The problem that most folks who I meet really have
with going to meetings is that they know it'll be
uncomfortable. There is often some panic inside
before coming face to face with a room full of
recovering perverts. Oh my. I remember it still
today. It's quite funny, actually: I endanger myself
to get mixed up in porn and other behaviors that
could eventually get me arrested and in the
papers... but going into a room full of guys who -
like me - have every reason in the world to stay
anonymous - now that's scary!!
Hah!! I can be so goofy!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Feeling resentment? Give selflessly!
Whenever I get resentful at my wife, I react by
cleaning something in our house, vacuuming, doing
laundry, or spending quality time with our children.
I need to do it right away without thinking about
it... there's just no other way for me to stay sane
sometimes than giving selflessly - especially when I
know that she's in no mood to be nicer to me as a
result!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Burst Shmurst!
Someone wrote:
My day was stressful, with occasional bursts of
desire. Life carries on. I just wish there were
simple answers.
Dov Replies:
In dealing with bursts of desire, Davening and
getting busy are the main on-the-spot tools I know
of, but slowly having our motivations change and
simplifying our awareness of Hashem over time in
recovery is the real key, in the end.
And anyway - even in the end - there will still be
times of occasional bursts. We're addicts, after
all.
And the answer to them will need to be "Burst
Schmurst!" and "Keep On Trucking"... we can outlast
any burst (or schmurst, for that matter). |
|
|
743. |
Friday ~ 11 Nissan, 5770 ~ March 26, 2010 |
|
In Today's Issue
-
Parsha Talk- Tzav:
Is there a Shochet in the house??
-
Testimonial / Chizuk of the Day:
Ge'ulah Mi'Mitzrayim
-
Daily Dose of Dov:
The admission price doesn't include 'Figuring it
Out'
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Parsha Talk: Tzav
Is there a Shochet in the house??
By 'bardichev'
In this week's parshas Tzav,
we find the last
shalsheles in
the Torah (where the baal koreh reads a triple
sound).
It appears on the
word "vayishchat - and he slaughtered".
Why??
We find a shalsheles
in the following 4 places in the Torah:
By the wife of Lot:
"Viyismama - and she
delayed"
By Eliezer: "Vayomer
- and he said".
By Yosef: "Vayimaen
- and he refused"
By Aharon: "Vayishchat
- and he slaughtered".
The Torah is teaching
us 4 ways to deal with the Yetzer Hara, in order:
"Vayismama" -
Push him off. Tell
him you'll give in to him later, but you're busy
now.
"Vayomer" - Prayyyyyy.
While he's gone, offer a sincere prayer to Hashem to
be saved from him.
"Vayimaen" - HOLD
baaaaaack!!! Hashem will help you.
"Vayishchat"!!!!!
- and you will succeed in
KILLING HIM!!!!!
At the end of the
seder in Chad Gadya, after the Yetzer Hara
slaughters the shochet,
Hashem will
slaughter the Yetzer Hara!
Gevaldiggggggggggg!
Good Shabbos,
Love
Bards |
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Testimonial/Chizuk of the Day
Ge'ulah Mi'Mitzrayim
By 'Yosef Hatzadik'
In the bracha prior
to shmona esrei we say every morning: Mimitzraim
gualtanu Hashem Elokeinu, mibeis avodim p'disanu,
kol bechoreihem haragta, ubechorcha ge'alta, v'yam
suf bakatah, v'zeidim tibata, v'didim he'evarta,.... They
all are in chronological order.
But why is mimitzraim
ge'altanu before mibeis
avadim p'disanu? If we were still in the beis
avadim, to what is the Geula referring to?
The obvious answer is
that even while still working in Mitzraim, there was
already a Geulah! When Moshe Rabeinu told Klal
Yisroel the message from Hashem, Vaya'amen
ha'am! Vayikdu Vayishtachavu!!!!(Shmos
4:31) They
Believed they would leave.
They had Hashem on
their team! They were still in Mitzrayim and still
working hard, but the end was on the horizon!
The Torah is for all
generations, including our lowly one. We may be not
yet be free from our personal Mitzrayim. We may
still be in the vicious cycle of slips and slides.
The Yetzer Horah may still be standing over us with
a whip. But we are already free men. As soon as we
found this site and read the handbooks, we saw for
the first time that there is hope, there is a way
out, we can see the end on the horizon. It may be a
distant horizon, but it is there and it is
achievable. WE ARE HASHEM'S NATION! Starting NOW!!!
The Geulah was already; it was the day we
came to GuardYourEyes.org! |
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Daily Dose of Dov
Dov is sober in SA for over 13 years. See his story
here.
The admission price doesn't include 'Figuring it
Out'
To someone who was trying to figure out why they
were addicted, and why Hashem asks of us to give up
lust (after all, what does He have from it?),
and how it's possible to 'beat it', etc... Dov
writes:
Is it sanity and sobriety that you are striving for,
or is it 'understanding' that you feel you
need? What would satisfy you, really?
Do you think that
sobriety without understanding "why" will make you
look like a fool? Well, why is it important to you
not to be/look like a fool? I'm an
idiot, and I'm still sober and living the good life,
which is why I am posting to you, at all.
It is clear to me
that when we are done figuring stuff out, we remain
fools anyway.
Besides the fact,
that after figuring it all out and getting all the
"power" to do right, all it'd take for me to
make a complete a** out of myself and screw my life
up, is a woman who is 'attractive enough' to walk by
me at the wrong moment. Or a lust fantasy to just
pop out of nowhere, perhaps... (Nu, but maybe
everyone else is better and stronger than me).
As for me, b"H,
somewhere along the way early on, I gave up on
getting the brains to
win and on figuring myself out so
that "I" could
finally beat this thing. I really don't beat it
at all - Hashem takes care of me when I reach out
for help and follow instructions for my own good.
And any idiot
can do it (trust me, I know plenty who are!
:-)
Perhaps you are
trying to figure stuff out so that Hashem can
finally save you? But does He really demand that
admission price? If you believe that, I'd like
to know why. I'm really just curious. (Promise).
My own experience tells me that He's a much cheaper
date than that, really.... maybe that's why Jews
Love Him so much! (a joke, a joke...)
You know (by now)
that I am skeptical of the value of any
philosophical endeavor around something so
primevally and viscerally powerful as lust is in my
life. I'm an addict. I have never met a sober guy
who was still obsessed with figuring things like
that out. Addicts in recovery are generally too busy
with living to
discuss philosophy over-much. And the poor fellas
who twist the steps into just more 'self-help'
material to "smarten up" with, just sit there
wondering why they can't get control of things -
while their lives schlep by... I've seen it a
hundred times, at least.
So you may be the
first. May it be so. Let me know. And now, off I go! |
|
|
744. |
Sunday ~ 13 Nissan, 5770 ~ March 28, 2010
Erev Bedikas Chametz |
|
In Today's Issue
-
Torah Thought of the Day:
To Be for Him for a Nation
-
12-Step Attitude:
Just watch the Show
-
Poem of the Day:
The Time has Come
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Torah Thought of the Day
To Be For Him for a Nation
Pesach : Repentance out of Love
In regard to the "Mayim Shelanu" that is drawn
before sunset today for the baking of the "Erev
pesach" Matzos tomorrow, the Kedushas Levi writes
the following beautiful idea. He says that on Rosh
Hashana we do "Tashlich", throwing our Aveiros into
the sea. Rosh Hashana is Teshuvah Mi'Yirah -
repentance out of fear. When a Jew repents out of
fear, his sins are erased and "thrown into the sea".
However, Pesach is an inyan of "Teshuvah Me'Ahavah -
Repentance out of love". When we repent out of love,
Chazal say that our previous sins are uplifted to
the status of zechuyos - merits. That is why we now
draw the water back, since now, the sins that we
threw into the water on Rosh Hashana are zechyos! We
have uplifted this water, and we can now use it for
the holy Mitzva of Matza on the Seder night!
Teshuvah Me'Ahava turns our sins into merits in the
same way that light can only be seen from within
darkness. When a person reaches a high level of
Teshuvah, they recognize that it was precisely their
past sins and darkness that enabled / forced them to
make the turn-around and come close to Hashem. And
it was specifically their difficulties and great
distance from Hashem, that made their eventual
climb-back-up so precious. When a person reaches
Teshuvah Me'Ahava, they recognize that their past
sins were really to their merit, in that it was only
through them that they were able to make the
difficult - yet rewarding - journey that brought
them to where they are today.
Pesach / Yetziyas Mitzrayim is a time of Teshuvah
Me'Ahava for this very reason. It was only through
the servitude and darkness of Mitzrayim that the
great light of the redemption and salvation was able
to shine forth!
While Rosh Hashana recalls Hashem's kingship over
the entire world: "Hayom Haras Olam - today the
world was created", Pesach signifies Hashem's love
to His people on a much more individualistic basis,
through the tremendous Hashgacha u'pratis and
miracles that He wrought when taking us out of
Mitzrayim to be His nation. That is also why
Pesach is the time to tell over to our children:
ve'higadeta levincha; the 4 sons, etc. We emphasize
the father/son relationship, because this is the
relationship Hashem expressed to us when taking us
out of Mitzrayim - "b'ni bechori Yisrael - my son,
my first born, Yisrael"... Our exodus from Egypt was
the time where we felt Hashem's love more than any
other time in history!
Searching for - and burning the Chametz both
represent the Teshuvah that we do out of love. The
search for chametz represents the "cheshbon Hanefesh",
and the "burning" of the chametz represents the
burning of the Yetzer hara / Ego. We do this
Teshuvah out of love and recognition that Hashem is
our Father - and he desires us to be his nation. As
the Pasuk in Yirmiyah 7:21 (the Haftorah of last
week's Parsha Tzav) says: "For I did not speak to
your fathers and did not command them on the day I
took them out of Mitzrayim about the Olah and the
sacrifices... For only this did I command them
saying, listen to my voice so that I should be
for you a G-d and you shall be for me a nation... |
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
12-Step Attitude
Just Watch the Show
Duvid Chaim, moderator of
the 12-Step conference, writes to his chevra:
I've been receiving calls from y'all admitting
difficulty with coping with the pressures of Pesach
preparation in the home. Included is a lot of
resentment, irritability and discontent with the
Wife and Children.
So the Yetzer Hara has got you right where he wants
to.
We keep pulling out the Script that we wrote that
says "I have a better plan."
That I deserve to be treated better than this.
That it's "my way or the highway". And "how dare you
expect more from me than I'm already bending over
backwards to give you?"
Imagine how different the "Play" would be if we
could just sit back and "Watch the Show." Not be the
Director. Not manage the outcomes. But simply sit
back and be an actor who might win the Academy Award
for "Best Supporting Actor."
By being aware of our perceptions and motives, and
my making healthy choices to be tolerant and
generous, you too can make "this
night different from all other nights!" |
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Poem of the Day
The Time Has Come
Posted by "7up"
We
clean the cobwebs Clean
the cobwebs of our minds
Organize cluttered
closets Organize cluttered
thoughts
Dust off rarely
touched shelves. Dust off
long-shelved aspirations.
With toothpicks we
remove With toothpick-like
scrutiny, remove
The microscopic
specks & stains The not-so-microscopic
specks &stains
From between cracks &
crevices. From the cracks & crevices of
our souls.
The time has come
Let's Pesach clean
all leaven Let's Pesach clean
inflated egos
Spring clean winter's
stagnant muskiness Spring clean winter's stagnant
lethargy
Let's make ourselves
worthy of the next Geula - not just our homes.
The time has come. |
|
|
745. |
Thursday ~ 17 Nissan, 5770 ~ April 1, 2010
Chol Hamo'ed Pesach |
|
In Today's Issue
-
Torah Thought of the Day:
For in haste you left Egypt
-
Anecdote of the Day:
"Close" but no Cigar
-
Attitude Tip of the Day:
Fool-Ish-Ness
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Torah Thought of the Day
For in Haste you left Egypt
Ki Be'Chipazon Yatzasem Mi'Mitzrayim
Adapted from an article by
Benyamin Bresinger
There is a moment in addiction that can change
everything. It's the moment of truth. Once the pain
of 'using' finally forces a radical shift in the
mind of the addict, he cries: "It's over! I want
out." Then there is a brief window of opportunity to
act upon promptly. Haste is imperative -- in order
to ensure that this moment is not lost. It's time to
go!
The Jewish people were not only enslaved in Egypt.
Our Kabbalistic teachers tell us that they were also
on a "spiritual mission." During the hundreds of
years that the Children of
Israel lived in the land of Egypt,
they gathered and elevated sparks of holiness that
were hidden among the filth of the Egyptian
culture-which had insidiously contaminated the
Jewish slaves. Our ancestors did what they had to do
while enslaved in the lowest place on earth, they
were ultimately successful in their mission. Once
the last spark was freed, there was no reason to
stay there. After that, it would have been very
dangerous for the Jewish people to remain in Egypt.
Once the job was done, they had to be ready to bolt.
They had to get out as quickly as they could, or
they may have risked their only chance to escape.
Each one of us has a purpose in this world, a
mission to accomplish. I have heard it said that an
addict's raison d'être is simple: Just stay
sober-one day at a time -- simple but hard. While in
active addiction, an addict or alcoholic might find
themselves sinking to an unfathomably low moral
code. When a person has had enough of that way of
living, there is the possibility of leaving behind
the shackles of an insidious slavery. Once someone
is finally ready, he needs to move immediately.
To delay could mean doom for this person.
In the case of addiction, leaving immediately when
we have had enough is simple to understand. But what
lesson do we learn from the fact that the Jewish
people's slavery was also a redemption for sparks of
holiness? How can active self-sabotaging and
destructive behavior have any redeeming features? I
would like to suggest the following: Throughout the
chaotic years of active addiction, the addict ends
up in places that he would never have visited
otherwise. He meets and interacts with people he
never would have connected with otherwise. Although
the obvious reason was a negative one, nevertheless
those places and people had sparks of holiness
hidden in them. When the addicts recovers, he
elevates not only himself, but also all the people
and places that were part of his destructive
journey.
When
G-d tells us to get ready to move, to
put on our walking shoes and grab our walking stick,
He is saying, "Prepare to run, and don't look back!"
When the command comes, we shouldn't think! We are
ready to act! Sometimes we get trapped in the world
of thought and rationalize away the most obvious
solution. After all, you've heard: "Don't make a
hasty decision." It's true. Unless, of course, G-d
is saying: "Do it now!"
What step do we have to take to be freed from the
bondage of self? We have to make a decision that
it's over. Our ego, our character defects - and
especially our false sense of pride, try to convince
us that we are "just fine." They convince us that
someone else needs to change, and that the way we
are is okay. Our self-deceptive thinking is holding
us back from being set free. Arguing and debating is
useless at this point. The only thing that works is
to make a firm decision that we are done with
slavery -- and "Just Do It!"
This
Passover, let's take the time to see
what is holding us back, what is keeping us stuck.
Once we are aware, let's get ready! We call out to
G-d for help, and then we are prepared to run. This
will surely cause G-d to react in kind -- to finish
His mission and bring the ultimate redemption
immediately with the coming of
Moshiach. |
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Anecdote of the Day
"Close" but no Cigar
By "Bardichev"
(an ainikle of Rav Levi Yitzchak, the Bardichiver
Rebbe)
In honor of the Yom Tov Pesach, I will present a
wonderful story with a powerful lesson.
Close your eyes and travel with me back to my
Zaide's Shul in the city of Bardichev.
The seder table is set regally. The Matzos, the
wine, the Kaara.
The participants are anxiously awaiting the Heiligeh
Bardichever to recite Kadaish!
But Reb Levy Yitchok is not ready.
He turns to his gabai and says "get me a loaf of
Kosher bread"
"Kosher Bread??!! Rebbe, it's Pesach!!"
"Get me the bread at once! Search the town from top
to bottom!"
The gabbai leaves bewildered.
An hour later, he returns empty handed.
"Rebbe, I searched all over. No one has bread. Not
Chanalle the widow, or even Itsik the simple
blacksmith."
"Ok", says the Rebbe, "so get me a cigar!"
"A cigar?" says the gabbai, "It is contraband!
Anyone possessing a cigar can be jailed at once!"
"Get me a cigar!"
Minutes later the gabbai returns with a fine
selection of cigars.
"Ahhhhhhhhh!!!"
"Tatte in Himmel!" says the Heiligeh Rebbe...
"You wrote in your Torah that for seven days there
should be NO chametz.
You have no police force, no inspectors snooping
around, and yet no one but no one has chametz.
While the government has very strict rules on owning
tobacco, punishable by life in the Siberian jails.
And look, all I needed to do is ask - and I have a
cigar!
TATTEH, where else do you have such a nation?!!!"
And with that, the Heilige Bardichiver began the
Seder, "KAADAYSH!!"
And the heiligeh Bardichever's grandson wants to
grab onto his Zayde's theme.
TATTEH, LOOK AT YOUR CHOSEN NATION.
Yes, the goyim and the Yetzer Hara throw all their
shmutz - and worse - on us.
But all we want IS YOU!!
"Kol dodi dofek, pischu lee...
the sound of my beloved knocks, open for me!"
PISCHU LEE!!!!
Gevaldiggggggg!!!
A kushiren fraylichen YOM TOV!! |
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Attitude Tip of the Day
Fool-Ish-Ness
(For April Fools Day :-)
Dov wrote:
Life
was and is so much better without lust - the
thing I was convinced beyond a shadow of a doubt
that I couldn't live without! Today life is real,
it's geshmak, it's useful, it's real, it's
consumingly interesting and full of surprises,
and... did I say that "it's real"?
Gevalt! What a fool I
was! Nu, but that's an addict. A real fool.
And I am still a
"fool". It's just that this here fool is a
fool for Hashem! Share my mistakes with
others? Lead with my weakness? Give up to
win? Good for free? Trust in an
invisible G-d? What am I nuts!?! So it
seems....
Let's all have a
l'chayim and say this foolish thing together: "To
heck with me - what can I do for You/you?"
"Me"
Responds:
I just
had a thought. A foolISH person is one that does
foolISH things.
But, when the person
recognizes that what he did/does is
fool-ISH, then he becomes the second part of the
word (Ish - a man). When we recognize our
foolishness, then we become an "ISH"... fool ISH.
Or, maybe we can say that the fool-ISH turns into a
FULL ISH, (i.e. a complete man). Like in Mitzrayim...
from the very depths of tuma came the yeshua. Here
too, from our own personal depths of FOOL-ISH-NESS,
when we are zocheh to recognize it, we become FULL
ISH, a complete man. And that is a real Ness
(miracle)! Fool-Ish-Ness :-)
Chag Same'ach!
P.S. "Purim Torah" is
still allowed on Pesach, as Rashi comments about "Mi'shenichnas
Adar Marbim Be'Simcha:
"Because of the
miracles that happened in the months of Adar and
Nissan". |
|
|
746. |
Friday ~ 18 Nissan, 5770 ~ April 2, 2010
Chol Ha'moed Pesach, Erev Shabbos |
|
In Today's Issue
-
12-Step Attitude:
Sit Back, Relax and Enjoy the Flight
-
Poem of the Day:
I Have a Better Plan
-
Daily Dose of Dov:
I need to Have a G-d, not just Believe
in Him.
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
12-Step Attitude
Sit Back, Relax and Enjoy the Flight
Yetziyas Mitzrayim taught us to trust completely in
Hashem. "Lech Tech Acharai Bamidbar... Follow me
into the wilderness". Duvid Chaim, moderator of
the 12-Step phone conference, wrote this cute
parable to help us internalize the trust we need to
have in letting Hashem run our lives.
When you board a jet, if you turn left you go into
the Cockpit. If you turn right, you go to your
assigned seat.
Everyday, we're faced with this choice. And as
addicts, we often refuse to go to our assigned
seats. Maybe we're jealous; we think that other guy
got a better seat. We don't like the snacks. Maybe
we don't have the view out the window that we want. Oy
vey, do I have to sit between those two big fat
passengers? I can barely breath. They're taking all
my oxygen. That makes me resentful, irritable and
discontent.
Hey, what was that I just felt?! Am I going through
some more turbulence? I'm scared that the wings are
going to fall off the plane. And what's that light
above my head that tells me to fasten my seat
belt? You think I'm going to follow someone
else's instructions? I'll show them. I'll
just sit here and hang on tight while my knuckles
turn white.
Quick, someone get me the airsickness bag. I think
I'm going to throw up!!
Hey, let me out of my chair! I'm going up to the
cockpit right now and taking over as the Pilot of
this plane! Surely, I'll do a better job of flying
this plane by myself. Just don't ask me where I'm
flying to or where or how to land. I'll worry about
that later.
Does this sound like a scene out of the Twilight
Zone, or a scene out of your life???!!
Unfortunately, this Simple but not Easy Program (the
12-Steps) is telling me to sit back, relax and enjoy
the flight. And to leave the flying to the real
PILOT.
HE put me on board this plane. And HE knows where
HE's taking me to!! |
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Poem of the Day
I Have a Better Plan
A member of
Duvid Chaim's group was inspired by one of the
call sessions to write the following poem:
The world can sit back and relax
Can put their mind at rest.
Stop arguing and bickering
Who's better and who's best.
I've found a great solution
And I'll do it if I can.
Don't worry, world, I have arrived
I have a better plan!
I'll solve all of the problems
(If the problem isn't me).
Just as long as I am
happy
I'll be helpful as can be.
If it serves my whim or fancy
I'll ignore most every man.
Do you need me? I am busy
See, I have a better plan.
I feel good when I'm in power
I'll control all that we do.
But if something seems to go awry
The blame's on you-know-who.
Everyone should stand and listen
From L.A. until Japan,
I want some more respect
Because I have a better plan.
WHAT?? The world can run without me?
That's impossibly untrue!
How dare you mock my awesomeness?
I'm much greater than you!
My dreams are all just fantasy?
My life's falling apart?
Well maybe I'll think things over
and start a brand new start.
I guess there's Someone greater
Who was there since time began.
I think that I'll stop struggling
And live by His master plan! |
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Daily Dose of Dov
Dov is sober in SA for over 13 years. See his story
here.
I need to Have a G-d, not just Believe
in Him
To someone who claims he became addicted because he
comes from a dysfunctional family and upbringing,
Dov writes:
The fact that a particular addict arose in a
dysfunctional family is played-down a bit in the
steps. The steps are focused on accepting the
simple truth about me as I am today. Many of
us move easily into whining, blaming and self-pity
when we focus on our families and their wierdnesses.
As I have been taught, looking into my past is
typically viewed as only having value in:
1- helping me admit
the truth about myself now, and
2- helping me let go
of guilt/self-loathing by discovering that many of
my painful and destructive emotional and behavioral
tendencies were certainly learned. They are
not my fault. But I still have them. (I used
to hate myself for me).
Suprisingly, this
also removed much of the latent resentment
I harbored toward my family because:
3- I began to see
that their tendencies were most likely
also learned or developed out of percieved
necessity. It wasn't their fault either! It
just was the way it was. Incredible (to me).
For me, at the heart
of recovery there lies Hope - a basic spiritual rest
for my restless and tatterred heart. And that 'hope'
comes from trusting G-d at my core.
I have no idea where I got that from. It seems it is
a gift.
I need to have a G-d, rather than just
believe in a G-d. To my heart,
believing alone is just plain silly.
And as an addict and
a Jew, this was my greatest gift, so far.
So, whether you are
an addict or not, choose 12-steps or don't, I only
wish the same for you. |
|
|
747. |
Sunday ~ 20 Nissan, 5770 ~ April 4, 2010
Erev Shevi'i Shel Pesach |
|
In Today's Issue
-
Torah Thought of the Day:
Pesach, Matza & Marror
-
Attitude Tip of the Day:
The King is in Town!
-
Daily Dose of Dov:
Getting Out of Hashem's Way
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Torah Thought of the Day
Pesach, Matza & Marror
The son of the Ba'al Hasulam (Rav Baruch Shalom
Ashlag) wrote Ma'amarim for his talmidim. I saw
something nice that he wrote for Pesach and I think
we can all relate to the ideas:
"Pesach" is called so because Hashem "jumped over
the houses of the bnei Yisrael when he smote the
Mitzri'im". In Avodas Hashem, "Yisrael"
symbolizes our "Aliyos" i.e. where we succeed in
serving Hashem, and the Mitzri'im symbolize the
Yeridos which occur in between each Aliyah. He
explains that Pesach symbolizes how Hashem "Kills"
our Yeridos, and jumps over them to gather together
all of our "aliyos". He then puts the Aliyos all
together, and in the merit of them all, we
are zoche to leave Mitzrayim - i.e. the bondage of
the "self".
After this he writes as follows:
Therefore, we need to learn from this that a person
should never look at his "Yeridos" - that he always
falls from his spiritual state, but rather he should
look only at his aliyos. And therefore, when he sees
that he is in a state of shiflus (degration), he
should not despair, but rather strengthen himself
above his understanding and go back up. And let him
not look at his past and say that "since until now I
thought I had already come to an understanding that
it's not worthwhile to give in to my selfish
desires, and yet I still see that right away I lose
this state of mind", if so, a person asks himself,
"what is the use of my "aliyos" if each time I go up
I need to fall? What do I gain from this?" And the
answer is (as the Pasuk says), "and the Jewish
people moaned from the difficult labor and their
supplications went up to Hashem". This is to say
that their "awakening below" brought Hashem to kill
the Egyptians, and therefore only the Yisrael were
left (i.e. the aliyos), and all the aliyos were
gathered together to one big cheshbon, one after
another, and through this they had a large vessel to
receive the divine blessing (of the redemption)...
And from this we see that no good we do is ever
lost...
In continuation of this idea, he also writes about
the inyan where Hillel used to eat the Korbon Pesach
together with the Matza and Maror. Maror symbolizes
the bitterness of the struggle with the Yetzer
Hara/Self, and Matza is a lashon of "Matzusah" -
which means "an argument", i.e. the argument that we
have with Hashem when we ask him why he made it so
hard for us to let go of the "self". We eat this
bitterness (the Marror) and this argument with
Hashem (the Matza) - together with the "Pesach"
(i.e. the Aliyos and closeness with Hashem - as
explained above), because it is only through the
bitterness we felt - and the questions that we had
about "why it is so hard", that we are zoche in the
end to real closeness to Hashem. It is precisely
through the difficulties we experienced that we
ultimately come to the realization that we cannot
do it on our own, and through this, we develop
the proper vessels and cry out to Hashem and finally
He saves us from the bondage of our "selves". |
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Attitude Tip of the Day
The King is in Town!
Simcha is a big key to breaking free. But how can be
be'Simcha even at times where we feel no desire to
stay clean and no motivation to serve Hashem?
Here's something I saw in a Chassidishe Sefer once.
The simple fact that we know that there's a G-d in
the world is alone a reason to rejoice, even if we
are in a situation of apathy and feel no desire to
serve Him. And here's a parable he writes: Imagine
the king came to a small town in his kingdom, but he
wanted his presence to remain secret. Only a select
group of people were told that he was in town, and
even fewer were asked to actually come and serve
him. So if you were from those select people who
were told that he is in town, surely you would still
rejoice, even if you weren't from those who were
chosen to serve him...
The same applies to our situation. From the billions
of people in the world, how many are zoche to know
that there is a king in the world? That alone is a
big reason to rejoice, even if we were not yet given
"permission" from above, so to speak, to be allowed
in to serve Him.
And this sefer goes on to reveal the following
secret: If the king sees that we rejoice just from
the simple fact that we know He is "in town", He
will then give us permission to come and serve him
too! :-) |
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Daily Dose of Dov
Dov is sober in SA for over 13 years. See his story
here.
Getting Out of Hashem's Way
Someone asks Dov:
Can you please explain what you often write about
how we need to "get out of Hashem's way and allow
him to help us"?
To me, "getting out of His way" is something we
slowly begin to do in recovery. Using schmutz
is our way of staying in control. Arranging to get
exactly what we want when we want it, avoiding pain
whenever we wish, and manipulating the environment
to make it exciting when we are bored! Yippee. We
essentially replace G-d. We serve Lust, because it
is pretty reliable. Especially the bodily
part of it. Y'know, put my "quarter" in, and voila!
I can make it happen. Oy vei, gevalt. Eventually it
becomes a daily, full-time preoccupation. A hidden
life of private moments with complete devotion, even
with sacrifice, expense and pain.
Y'know.... it sounds just like our
yiddishkeit is supposed to be: "hatzneyah
leches im Hashem Elokecha", korban tamid, mitzvos
t'midios, mesiras nefesh, etc. Uh oh.
Recovery turns this around and we sail in the other
direction, for real, not just on the
outside... no more hypocrisy. (Failure and
imperfection, yes... but not hypocrisy). |
|
|
748. |
Wednesday ~ 23 Nissan, 5770 ~ April 7, 2010 |
|
In Today's Issue
-
Testimonial / Tips of the Day:
Mazal Tov to Halevi on 90 Days!
-
Torah Thought of the Day:
Kriyas Yam Suf -
and Then What?
-
Daily Dose of Dov:
Knowing Hashem
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Testimonial / Tips of the Day
Mazal Tov to "Halevi" for reaching 90 days clean and
joining the "Wall
of Hashem's Honor"!
"Halevi" writes:
Thank You GYE!
Thank G-d, this past week I completed the GYE 90-day
journey. It's been an interesting process and before
I share some of what's worked for me I'd like to
take this opportunity to thank each and every one of
you. Whether you realize it or not, you've all
played a part in my success. Just knowing that this
place exists, that despite the fact that the
prevailing world view is that this behavior is
acceptable - 'normal' even - and that despite the
addiction and all that it entails, there are people
who out of their extreme devotion to Hashem are
fighting tooth and nail to break free and overcome
this crippling illness, provides me with huge chizuk.
Before I visited this website, I had almost deluded
myself into thinking that "it's not so bad... I'm
single, how could G-d possibly expect me to NOT do
this?". I had virtually given up or given in. GYE
was the slap in the face I so badly needed. So thank
you!
Along the way I've
picked up a few things and I'd like to share some of
them with you now:
1. You must, MUST
install an
internet filter. In my opinion, if you have an
addiction you simply will not stay clean without
one. For it to be effective, you must make sure that
you won't remember the password. The
filter gabbai is one of the best services that
this website provides, so if you can't entrust the
password with a family member or close friend, pass
the details on to the gabbai.
2. The GYE emails and
the forum are both great resources. Make use of
them! As I said before, just being around the forum
and other people who understand what you're going
through is a huge source of inspiration and help.
Sign up to an
accountability group, post messages of support
for other members, just get involved! We are not
islands, we are members of a community.
3. Even before a good
filter, the eyes and mind are the two most important
filters there are. Yes, you will see attractive
women and some of the time they will be dressed
immodestly, but it's how you react that will
make all the difference. As addicts, we tend to
fixate on things we shouldn't, we tend to think that
if we look away we might be missing out on
something... but the truth is there is no real
enjoyment to be had from this filth! The sooner I
realized that and the more clearer that has become,
the better and longer I've remained sober.
4. 90 days is a lot
shorter than it sounds. As Chazal say "all
beginnings are difficult". Just take it slow at the
start. If you can make it past day 30, you are well,
well on your way.
I wish everyone the
ultimate success in their recovery. |
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Torah Thought of the Day
Kriyas Yam Suf
and Then What?
Question:
Why did Hashem tell Moshe to tell Pharaoh that the
Jewish people just wanted to just leave "derech
shloshes yamim - a way of three days" to serve
Hashem, making it sound like we were planning to
come back? Indeed when we finally left, Pharaoh sent
spies after us to make sure we came back, and when
they saw that we kept going after 3 days, they came
back to Pharaoh and told him "ki barach ha'am
- that the nation had ran away". Why did Hashem have
to play tricks with Pharaoh? Why couldn't he tell
him straight out to let the Yidden go for-good?
After all, Pharaoh had no choice in the end, either
way!
Answer:
Hashem wanted to leave Pharaoh with the illusion
that he was
the one who let the Yidden out in the end... even
though he didn't have a choice. As it says in
Parshas Bishalach, "vayehi bishalach Pharaoh es
ha'am
- and it was when Pharaoh sent out the people"...
Pharaoh thought that he was
the one letting them go. Because of this, the
redemption still was not complete. It had to be 100%
clear that it was Hashem who was taking us out. That
is why Hashem played this game with him, so he
should think he still had some "control" - and then
he would "change his mind" and chase the Yidden.
Only then was
Hashem able to show that it was 100%
His doing at Kriyas Yam Suf.
Our addiction is like
Pharaoh. The lesson we can learn from this is that
the addiction won't let us go no matter what, until
our ego gets hit so many times over the head (10
makkos) that the ego/Yetzer Hara himself agrees
to let the person leave the addiction. However, this
is still not bi'shleimus (complete) as long as we
think that "we" (the yetzer or ego) is the one that
let us out of the addiction. So it may work for a
while, but then Hashem causes "Pharaoh" / the
addiction to come chasing after us again. In other
words, as long as we left the addiction because "we"
decided to, but without a complete awareness that it
was Hashem who
got us out, ultimately it will not hold. It will
chase us down again, because we still think "we" are
in control somewhat. Like Pharaoh believed that he
was the one to "agree" to let us out.
Only when we stand
before the Yam Suf in complete powerlessness, with
the addiction chasing us from behind to enslave us
forever, and with a raging sea in front of us where
we "imagine" we will surely drown if we leave our
addiction for good; only in such a state are we
truly able to admit defeat and know that only Hashem
can save us. And this is the state of awareness that
Hashem wanted us to reach; a point where we truly
have a proper vessel for His help - i.e. to know
with 100% clarity that only He can
save us. And then He splits the Yam Suf and takes us
out completely. "Hashem ish
milchama, Hashem shemo - Hashem is the man of
war, Hashem is His name".
Part 2
After the spiritual "high" of Pesach / Kriyas Yam-Suf,
getting back to regular life can be rough for an
addict. Immediately after kriyas Yam Suf, it says
that the Yidden went for three days into the desert
and that there was no water for the people to drink.
This place was known as "Mara" - meaning "Bitter".
Often, after breaking free from life-long habits and
desires, one goes through a stage of "withdrawal"
where he may feel "dried out". "And G-d showed Moses
a branch and he placed it in the water and the water
became sweetened". The Aitz or branch, refers
to the Tree of Life which represents "G-d and his
Torah". As one progresses on his journey to sexual
purity, he is able to connect with G-d and the Torah
in ways he was never able to before. It is this
spiritual connection, this branch from the "Tree of
Life", that sweetens the desert waters and replaces
the lust and self-gratification that he had become
so accustomed to, with the truly life giving waters
of spirituality, sobriety, joy and a true freedom.
Without this "branch" from the Tree of Life, the
journey in the desert of sobriety remains truly
"bitter" and one may end up returning to Egypt - "on
the path that I told you that you shall not see
again" (Devarim 28:68).
See
this page for ideas of how to increase the Torah
learning in your life. |
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Daily Dose of Dov
Dov is sober in SA for over 13 years. See his story
here.
Knowing Hashem
Someone writes:
I know that I have a partially warped image of G-d,
and I am trying to figure out what a non-warped
image of G-d would look like....
Dov responds:
My sponsor told me something funny once. He said
that if he could change the Steps he'd make them
read instead of "We made a decision to place our
will and lives under the care of the
G-d of our understanding,"
to "the G-d of our misunderstanding"!
I think it's hilarious, and very true.
When Yirmiyah hanavi
tells us that the ones who Hashem considers
praiseworthy are those who "know Him",
and refers to great people as "yod'ei Hashem",
it seems to me that such a thing - to come to really
know Hashem a bit - is probably nearer to the end of
lifetime developing as a yid. It is not necessarily
gonna be there at the
beginning and
is certainly not a prerequisite to
true, deep, and joyous avodas Hashem for most yidden!
So we are relatively
blind, quite stupid, and bumble through this upward
climb called life, even as frum yidden. The road to
shleimus is always a long struggle to draw nearer to
our upper selves. And we are pretty blind to that,
too! Boy, do we need Hashem down here! But that's
the name of the game. To me, the only other choice
is to be going in the completely wrong direction
altogether! As Vince Lombardi would say, "winning
isn't everything - it's the only thing."
If this one's
a slog, then any other path really sucks.
So don't ask scotty to 'beam you up', just yet. |
|
|
749. |
Thursday ~ 24 Nissan, 5770 ~ April 8, 2010 |
|
In Today's Issue
-
Torah Thought of the Day:
Strangers in a Land Not Ours
-
Daily Dose of Dov:
The Importance of Feeling 'Ok' About Ourselves
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Torah Thought of the Day
Strangers in a Land Not Ours
When Hashem told Avraham Avinu that He would give
his children Eretz Yisrael, Avraham asked "Bama
aidah ki irashena - How do I know I will inherit
it?" Hashem replied, "You should know that your
children will be strangers in a land not theirs, and
they will be enslaved and tortured for 400 years,
and afterward they will go out with great wealth...
and the fourth generation will come back to this
land, etc...
There are two very strong questions here:
(1) What was Avraham's question? Did he not trust
Hashem?
(2) How did Hashem's reply answer his question?
Says the son of the
Ba'al Hasulam (Rav Baruch Shalom Ashlag in his
Ma'amarim) that when Hashem told Avraham that his
children will inherit Eretz Yisrael, this is not
referring just to a physical land, but rather to the
great spiritual light of "Eretz Yisrael": 'Eretz' is
from the lashon "Ratzon". 'Yisrael' comes from the
words "Yashar E-l" - that everything we do is for
Hashem's sake. This means that Hashem was telling
Avraham that his children will one day inherit the
great light of being true servants of Hashem. When
Avraham replied "how will they inherit this?" he
meant to ask, what "need" will my children have for
these great lights; for these great gifts; for this
high level? In other words, there can never be light
without a vessel for it. You can't fill a cup that
is already full. If Hashem is promising such great
gifts, Avraham Avinu wanted to understand how his
children would develop the vessels for such great
light?
To this, Hashem responded that they will be
strangers in a land not theirs, and they will be
enslaved and in pain, and only AFTERWARD will they
go out with great miracles and great wealth, have
the vessels to receive the Torah, become true
servants of G-d, and to come back to the land of "Eretz
Yisrael".
Without the darkness, pain and servitude of
Mitzrayim, there would have been no need for the
great revelation of the makkos, of Kriyas Yam suf,
etc... and no "vessels" for Kabbalas Hatorah, where
we finally became G-d's servants
instead of servants to Pharaoh. If all had been fine
and dandy, if Avraham's children would have
continued the tradition of the Avos and had riches
and wealth and remained in Eretz Yisrael instead of
going down to Egypt, then we would have never had
the vessels to become the "Nation of Hashem".
(This is also perhaps the reason for all suffering
that we undergo in this world. For example, why was
Dovid Hamelech's life was so full of suffering and
strife? What did he do to deserve such "redifos" all
his life? In order to bring out the David Hamelech
that we know, in order to bring out all of his
beautiful Shiros of how "Hashem saved him for his
enemies and from the hands of Shaul" etc, etc...
there had to be vessels for this great light.)
Our addiction makes
us "strangers in a land not ours". We don't want to
be here. It is not the "real" us. We are enslaved by
it, and pained and tortured... sometimes for what
seems like 400 years... but Hashem is mechashev
the "Ketz" and knows our breaking point. He is
waiting for us to develop the vessels for His true
salvation, to enable us to become His true servants.
This is perhaps the main reason Hashem gave us the
addiction in the first place.
Let us use it for what it was given to us for, i.e.
as a spring board to reaching a true relationship
with Hashem. Hashem is awaiting our cry - "vayi'anchu
b'nei yisrael min ha'avodah, va'ta'al shavasam el
Hashem... va'yeda Elokim - and the Children
of Israel sighed from the heavy labor, and their
supplications went up to Hashem.... And Hashem saw
the Children of Israel, and Hashem knew. |
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Daily Dose of Dov
Dov is sober in SA for over 13 years. See his story
here.
The Importance of Feeling 'Ok' About Ourselves
I am an addict, and this problem took me for
a ride for over 20 years, always getting worse. I
learned, studied all about the Yetzer Hara, went to
Rebbis, shrinks, and read books, learned harder, and
did tons of teshuvah....
Here is what I
learned:
I masturbated for
years until I went to Eretz Yisroel and stayed clean
the entire time while learning b'hasmodah in yeshiva
- came back to NY for two months in between and
acted out twice (quite an improvement, really), then
went back for the second year, again clean the
entire time.
My Rebbis in Eretz Yisroel basically gave me the
message that if I leave a life of Toraso u'mnaso and
went back to the unholy land, I'd be "off the Derech"
and out of Hashem's personal Hashgocha; that He
would not love me any more and that I was basically
a dirtbag.
But I had no choice.
I was 20, had no job, had holocaust parents who
truly loved me, and was not of the type of strong
constitution to "go it alone", anyway. So of course
I came back to the U.S.
I felt sure I was a
dirtbag; a loser in the eyes of Hashem.
My mentality tortured
me and played a major role in my innocent, growing
need to get pleasure in lust. After all, it was the
only truly reliable way for me to feel anything
really enjoyable.
I went to university
and to yeshiva in U.S for a while and got married.
Kollel, more school, a job, kids.... that's when my
problem really took
off! By 1995 I was just awful, but living a double
life - a generally acceptable father, husband, and
person... but not on the inside.
I'm stopping my story here in order to try and get
this point across:
The power of
dejection - feeling "I am not good at all", is
horrifying. That pain drove me deeper into addictive
behaviors. Today, I know (and so does my wife!) that
I need to
daven in a minyan and learn regularly, maintain
proper hygiene, stay in touch with Hashem, be honest
and have integrity... Not just
because they are the right thing to do, but because
if I do not, I
will act out! There
is only so much self-condemnation I can take before
I will need
to medicate. It's as simple as that.
Surely Hashem
understands this and wishes me to take good care of
myself, even using His mitzvos. Isn't this "liShmah",
in the end?
Nu. Even if the
answer would be "No!" (c"v), I'd
do it all anyway, just to stay sober. Cuz
sobriety is life to me. And I want
to live, thank-you.
The annoying flip
side of this, however, is learning
how to accept occasional mediocrity in learning and
davening themselves! If
I demand perfection in even
those basic areas, I will guarantee failure.
This is a hard pill to swallow for many. It
seems like a contradiction but: As
much as behaving
right is
part of feeling OK about myself, accepting my
humanity (imperfection) is part of it too. Anything
else is just plain ga'avah - and deadly. But
that is just reality, and growing up. A mature
person's Avodas Hashem really is just
progress, not
perfection. It really is ratzoh
vashov. I really am human.
When it comes to my
essential acting out behavior - using masturbation
and porn - I can't tolerate it at all,
true. But that is a gift from Hashem, too. We do
whatever it takes to avoid that stuff, for it sets
us on a road of insanity. |
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750. |
Friday ~ 25 Nissan, 5770 ~ April 9, 2010
Erev Shabbos Parshas Sh'mini |
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In Today's Issue
-
Attitude Tip of the Day:
Letting Hashem do it FOR us!
-
Daily Dose of Dov:
The problem is not religious, but the solution
is spiritual
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Attitude Tip of the Day
Letting Hashem do it FOR us
"Steve", who is clean for about 5 months, posted on
the forum during the Erev Pesach cleaning days:
Today, before davening, I stopped by my parents
house to show their cleaning lady what I needed her
to do in the kitchen to prepare for my kashering
their place on Motsoi Shabbos. When I entered the
kitchen, I almost bumped into this girl. I thought a
Polish cleaning lady would be older, lumpy, have a
wart on her nose, crooked teeth, whatever. I was not
prepared for an attractive young person with a
dazzling smile whom I mamash almost hit noses with.
Plus, I had to stand right next to her to show her
the cracks and crevices of the sink drain and oven.
I had to work overtime not to give her a second look
each time I had to face that side of the kitchen or
talk to her. B"H there were no bad thoughts today at
those times, like the mental sparks that would have
been flying a mere 5 months ago!
My main problem was
driving away the lustful thoughts that tried to
enter my mind after I left. I said, "NO, I'M NOT
GOING THERE", but the YETZER HARA kept nagging at
me, like "C'MON, IT'S ONLY THOUGHTS, WHY NOT ENJOY
THE FANTASY?" So, as I've learned to do, I said out
loud (I was alone in the car) "OK, I MUST BE FEELING
R.I.D (restlessness, irritability and discontent)
RIGHT NOW, AND THAT'S WHAT'S CAUSING THIS "NEED"...
SO WHAT'S IT ABOUT?" And of course the answer was,
"WELL, YOU'RE STRESSED OUT CUZ YOUR PARENTS ARE SO
NEEDY AND CAN'T TAKE CARE OF THEMSELVES, AND CUZ
EVERY TIME YOU GO OVER THERE, THEIR NEEDINESS TAKES
SO MUCH TIME TO DEAL WITH" (like today Dad couldn't
find his hearing aid, so that search stole an
unexpected half hour of my time - B"H I found it and
was able to help, but the delay in my morning
schedule caused the R.I.D). Well after I realized
that, the thoughts B"H went away, like they have
done in the past. Just knowing the underlining
source which MANIPULATED me into lustful thoughts
allowed me to say, "I REFUSE TO BE MANIPULATED", and
my mind moved on.
But THAT was just a
band aid. For the first time in a long time, I
finally realized that.
When I was almost at
Shemoneh Esrai, images of this person kept jumping
up in my mind, and here I was in Tallis
(representing my COMMITMENT of marriage, to focus on
ONE woman for my life) and Tefillin (representing my
COMMITMENT to be BOUND to Hashem), and yet this face
and figure were swimming before me. It was THEN that
I realized that my original response was ALL ABOUT
ME - i.e. MY SELF AWARENESS (read EGO) thinking it
had the full solution, and that through this, I was
considering myself "in control" of removing lustful
thoughts. My method was NOT about surrendering from
the battle and giving my life over the Hashem. Here
I thought I was firmly on the sun deck of
Duvid Chaim's cruise ship, but I was really
missing the boat.
So in my tefilla, I
begged the Ribbono Shel Olam and said, "I CAN NOT DO
THIS ALONE. I AM NOT IN CONTROL. I NEVER WAS. I CAN
NOT TRUST MYSELF. TATTY, I NEED YOU TO TAKE THE
LUSTFUL THOUGHTS OUT OF MY HEAD AND HEART. I'M
BEGGING YOU TO RELIEVE ME OF THE BURDEN OF THIS
OVERPOWERING YETZER HARA, PLEASE TAKE IT OFF OF MY
SHOULDERS AND PLACE IT ON YOURS, AND FIGHT THE
BATTLE FOR ME. PLEASE GIVE ME OF YOUR STRENGTH, TO
FOCUS MY DESIRES ONLY UPON THE SPECIAL WIFE YOU HAVE
GIVEN ME IN YOUR GREAT KINDNESS, AND TO APPRECIATE
THE GOOD THAT YOU ALWAYS GIVE ME."
Immediately after
that the images went *poof*, and even now, as I type
this, remembering them means no more to me than
remembering that there is a desk in front of me.
This is the KEY to
the CHAYRUS, the FREEDOM, that we all seek. Taking
this burden of the YETZER HARA for lust, and giving
it to Hashem. HE has the Power to deal with it, not
me. This is the beginning of the SPIRITUAL
CONNECTION with Hashem that Duvid Chaim has been
talking about, asking HASHEM to
DO IT, and NOT TO JUST HELP ME DO
IT. And with that, for the time being, I've found
more FREEDOM from my desires than I had before.
I thank Hashem for
the privilege to have become part of this great GYE
Chevra. Before you, life was unbearable. I shudder
to think where I would be today if I hadn't joined
you 5 months ago. Certainly
not over 150 DAYS CLEAN!! It's
like a DREAM!
Hashem has been so
wonderful to me, and has taken me out of a great
part of my own personal Mitzrayim, and is leading me
out of the rest. Yehi Ratzon that I be zoche to
become a true Eved Hashem, and with my family at
home and with my GYE Family abroad, be zoche
together to the Geulah Shelayma, speedily and in our
days. |
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Daily Dose of Dov
Dov is sober in SA for over 13 years. See his story
here.
The problem is not religious,
but the solution is spiritual
Someone wrote on the forum:
The issue is regaining control of your life.
Religion/faith/the god question has nothing to do
with recovery.
Dov responds:
My personal experience 'begs to differ' with you on
this. And mind you, I'd be the last guy
to refer to my addiction as a problem of faith,
religion, or morals. I also do not associate the
Yetzer Hara per se' with my addiction, in the strict
sense. I see my addiction as an insanity and a
disease, and I do not believe that the rule books
(of religious dogma) were written with crazy people
in mind. I feel that an addict has generally strayed
far out of the normal human realm of bechirah and
normalcy. Mind you, acting out any addiction
certainly causes deep
religious and moral problems, but I consider them
all symptoms rather
than causes. Nu. Any other approach to it just does
not work for me, sorry.
Let those who feel
very differently about this issue lay down their
arms please, as I'm not here to fight about it and
let's not get off-topic. But I believe that you know
precisely where I am coming from on this, as do many
others. Harbei drachim laMokom. Perhaps you even intended basically
the same perspective in your comment above.
So, exactly how
am I begging to differ with you?
I have found that for
me and many others, although our Problem is not a
religious one, the Solution is a
spiritual one.
And as Religions are
very spiritual, as a Jew - I am really in luck!
Making brachos and
remembering that nothing is mine; keeping hilchos
niddah and remembering that my wife isn't
mine; wearing tefilin and remembering that my body
is modeled after Hashem's middos/ways (so to speak);
doing chessed and remembering that I am not the
center of the universe; keeping Shabbos and seeing a
connection to my shoresh; watching my children and
remembering that I am actually able to tap into
power beyond my own and help create a child! - and
also: to stay sober... these things are only shayach
to me in recovery.
Before some recovery,
these things never meant any of those things at
all to
me.
They were all just a
big pain in the rear, actually.
And the spirituality
is not only the symptom of recovery, but also the
answer itself, as it comes from accepting a G-d of
my very own and trusting Him, for a change.
Did that make any
sense? |
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