Guard Your Eyes

My SA sponsor has been sober for 26 years. He says that if he could be cured of the addiction he probably would decline the offer. That's how much of an opportunity for growth it has been to him. He says that most of the "old timers" in SA and AA say the same thing: It was G-d's will. If G-d created me an addict then so be it.

Recovery

Recovery is freedom from the bondage of self... from the slavery of obsessive thoughts and actions.

Recovery is being able to finally do nice things for the soul and let the body wait.

Recover is discovering one's buried talents, interests and purpose for living.

Recover is being able to know what is right and what is not.

Recover is being able to see oneself and others - as they really are.

Recovery is being excited about relationships, new and old.

Recovery is about learning and being able to remember and use the new learnings.

Recovery is the ability to feel, enjoy and appreciate what I have.

Recovery is a recognition that there is Divine Justice and that it is unquestionably a good thing.

Recovery is honesty with self, others and above all G-d.

Recovery is the progressive delight of recognizing how G-d is running the world.

Recovery is the pleasure of being less focused on "me".

Recovery is surrendering the materialistic drive to possess, control, and impress.

Recovery is the moral obligation to honor and respect spiritual wisdom and right-living in others.

Recovery is simplicity, purity and quietly influencing others to live spiritual lives.

Recovery is a deep gratitude to G-d for another chance.

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Q & A of the Day

Why does it get harder just as I start out?

Someone wrote on the forum how they had taken a number of steps to try and stay clean, but after just 2 days an unexpected test came up and he fell. He asks:

I just can't understand why G-d would add on this test after he sees I'm making the effort and setting up fences?

Response:

Often Hashem sends us tests we can't resist precisely when we are putting in effort and because we are putting in effort. (Like when Moshe first approached Pharaoh, he made the work even harder!) Perhaps Hashem does this to help us progress on our journey even faster, when our fall helps us realize a few things:

1) The fences we put up are not adequate. We need to reassess our battle-plan and make even better and stronger fences.

2) It makes us think, "do I really want to change" or am I just "forcing myself" by making lots of fences? (which ultimately won't last).

3) It makes us realize our powerlessness and become more dependant on Hashem.

All three of these recognitions are progress. So ignore the fall, and take the "gift" of this new awareness into your arsenal! :-)

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Filter Tip of the Day

"Those who come to be purified are helped"

We got an e-mail a few days ago:

Hi, I'm almost 16. Do you know of any filters I can put on my mom's computer that she won't know about?

The very next day someone sent us an e-mail:

I am using a great product called PC Pandora. It works very good. It costs $70 for 2 licenses and I found a coupon, so I paid only $54.38. I used just one license and I'm ready to donate the other license. It's a very broad and good program.

Visit their site and you will see www.pcpandora.com

It does everything:

- It filters

- It sends reports every 12 hours

- It sends keystrokes

- It runs in stealth mode (hidden in the background) or open

- It captures pictures

We put the two of them in touch... What open Siyatta Dishmaya!

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Daily Dose of Dov

Dov is sober in SA for over 13 years. See his story here.

Sharing Pain Can Help Others - And Ourselves

Dov wrote to "Tried-123":

Don't give up, keep reaching out for help. Oh, and you may find that you will get more recovery by reaching out to help others rather than by mainly helping yourself cope. And one great way to help others is just by sharing your real pain them, strange as it sounds. We're addicts - we lead with our weaknesses!

"Tried-123" responds:

I always thought that people are very uncomfortable with another person's pain... You think it helps people to hear someone else's real pain? How would that work?

Dov answers:

Well, first of all, it only works for people who already have pain of their own, like other addicts, for example. And then, only when they are open to it, like, for example, if they are throwing up their tzoress all over you. Or if they admit they have tzoress but are not willing to go any further and actually open up about it. Or for folks that are so ashamed of themselves, that they think they just need a rock to climb under.

These types generally feel quite relieved when they hear a real live mirror talking to them, and they see that their lives are not over - by a long shot. They often begin to undergo quite a life change as a result, and they have only you to thank, for sharing your tzoress with them.

A bit nutty?

Maybe.
So?

One more thing, and this goes for Torah as much as for recovery: I believe that as long as I am sharing with other what I have actually experienced by using it in my life, they can benefit from it. On the other hand, "teaching" or "saying over" great and true stuff, bounces off their hearts and is relatively useless - except to cause more guilt. Their brains get lifted while their bodies are still in the garbage - and they know it. I have seen this.

More true ideas and inspiration is not what we really need. We seem to need experience from action - more real, personal Truth. It's like talking about our relationship with Hashem vs. saying your netilas yodayim or shehakol like you are plainly and simply talking to Someone.

It's in the action, not in the thinking about action. Gevalt.

So, all your struggles and pain will help someone someday, for certain.
Your deep hashkafic he'aros? - maybe they will, maybe they won't.

752.

Monday ~ 28 Nissan, 5770 ~ April 12, 2010

In Today's Issue

Important Announcement/Plea:
Please help us with 2 or 3 names!

Two Big Mazal Tov's:
To "Ovadia" & "Letakein" upon reaching 90 days!

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Please Help!

Rabbosai,

We sent out an e-mail before Pesach about an upcoming fund-raising trip that we are planning for the sake of expanding our work at GYE. I would like to thank all those who responded, for their warm replies. Unfortunately though, we still have very few practical and serious "meetings" scheduled yet as a result of that e-mail.

So here's a recap in short:

Until now I have insisted on maintaining absolute anonymity. However, due to the urgency of the need, our proven success, and the confidence in our ability to help tens of thousands of Jews, I can no longer afford to sit quietly by when so much more can be done. We are at a turning point, and I truly hope that this fund-raising trip will enable us to take our work to a new level, b'Ezras Hashem.

After careful thought and consultation with others, we developed a proposal (or plan) for growth, which outlines what we would like to do in the coming year/s, and how we can expand to reach out and accommodate many more thousands of Jews of all stripes. The plan includes a budget that approximates what this would cost.

Please download a PDF file of our Plan over here

(Right-click and press "Save Target/Link As")

(If you have already seen our "Plan", it was recently updated to include more focus on the area of "Prevention", which I believe is just as important as "Treatment". Also, "Prevention" is something that everyone can relate to - and that no one would feel uncomfortable supporting.)

We estimate that within a year - and with a relatively modest budget, we will be able to increase our reach tenfold, and that we can, bs"d, in subsequent years, halt this epidemic amongst the Jewish People.

As my trip will be short, I plan to only meet with potential donors of 5K and up, and only with people who have seen our "Proposal / Plan" and would like to meet with me. I am turning to you in the hope of getting a few solid meetings of this nature. I would be happy to give in-depth personal presentations of our work, and outline exactly what we need to do to grow, and how much it would cost for the various areas we hope to expand in.

If you could please try to help us with 2 or 3 names of people to whom we can send our "Plan" to, it would be a great help - and a big zechus for you! It may be helpful to search carefully through your phone and e-mail contacts, and try to think of who might be warm to our work and may have the financial means to be a supporter. Once you think of someone, the best would be if you could call them personally with a short intro about our work, send them our plan, and then ask them if they would be willing to meet with me in person. But if you would prefer to stay anonymous, please just share with us their contact info and we'll take care of the rest.

With the Bracha of this past week's Parsha:

"Vi'hiskadashtem ve'hiyisem Kedoshim, Ki Kadosh Ani Hashem",

Thank you so much,

Yaakov

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Two Big Mazal Tov's!

GYE is B"H helping so many people regain control and stop living "double lives". Just yesterday, two people on our forum reached 90 days clean. One of them calls himself "Ovadia" and he wrote the following on the forum:

"I Have Come Home"

Thank you HaShem for bringing me to GYE, and thank you Guard for being a true Shaliach.

Here are my thoughts at 90 days. As R' Twerski put it in his beautiful article on Pesach, when one is freed spiritually, he is thankful for every second of his freedom. GYE has made me realize that the concept of Kedusha and being part of a holy nation is not just an elusive idea for "holy" people. It is within our grasp. And for this I truly have to thank HaShem for having the Zechus of having my part in His Plan.

What does liberation mean to me?

To go to work without constantly worrying (and knowing) am I going to act out today or will I be able to control myself?

Leaving work without feeling relieved that I made it through the day without acting out or frustration/guilt because tit happened yet again.

That I can go to sleep after my wife without diving for the ..... to act out.

I have learned to focus and be happy with what I have, not with what I don't.

That I can focus positively on my Avodas HaShem without feeling hypocritical and constant paradox.

Contrast: Sometimes I think back to those grotesque images which I have not seen for 90 days and I think, could this really be what interests me?? What a contrast between what I "gave up", and what I received instead. The contrast is beyond words.

Appreciation: I cannot express my appreciation enough to everyone here at GYE for literally saving my soul. I have received so much from you; so much Insight and understanding. But most of all support and guidance, and the feeling that in the times of darkness there are some very dear people out there who care. Thank you all so much. And of course I look forward to the grand GYE kumsits with all of you, with the Shor HaBor and the Leviasan!

Privilege:It has been the most amazing experience to have contact with so many emotionally and spiritually deep people/Neshomos. It has made me feel emotionally alive. I have had the opportunity to express my emotions and feelings without feeling inhibited or childish. And I also feel spiritually alive. A special type of Avodah different to learning and davening, but what gives more meaning and amplifies to all Ruchniyos.

Yet I feel some disappointment. Here at GYE we see that everyone has their own struggles. I might be wrong but it seems that there are different levels of addicts. I feel that my own addiction was just a bad habit I could not get out of and needed to be broken. What did it take? Openness and frank confrontation with my feelings and weaknesses; getting out of isolation and realizing that there is an effective way of breaking the habit. And more than anything, a framework within which to do this and the support which I received. And that is the tragedy. Why did it have to take so long to discover something so simple? I am sure that there are so many low level addicts out there like me, that don't need therapy or SA groups, just a healthy perspective and attitude, support and communication, realization that you are not alone or the only one, and to be given the opportunity to talk from their heart. Why is the frum community continuing to deny this to themselves?

The main lesson that I learned over the last few months has been to appreciate and be happy with what I have, and not be constantly looking at what I do not. All the lust and fantasizing comes from wanting just that little bit which is out of your grasp. I learnt to stop "looking" away from myself. Yes, guarding your eyes begins in the eye of your mind. If something does not interest you, then you do not lust for it.

About a month into the journey, I would come to Mincha Erev Shabbos, the end of a week of being at my office and not acting out, and my heart was bursting with joy. I remember saying Aleinu and feeling how privileged I am to be part of Klal Yisroel. Today I feel less of that original excitement, but my main feeling is that I have come home. I was in a sewer unable to pull myself out. Now I am back home after all the years. I feel - relief, and also a big feeling of responsibility - never again will I be able to feel and say that something is beyond my control!

Finally, no words will suffice to thank R' Guard enough for being HaShem's Shliach in saving my soul. HaShem should give you the Koach to continue in you holy work, and there is no doubt that you will be in the front lines to greet Mashiach Tzidkainu!

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The second person to reach 90 days was a woman who calls herself "Letakein". She became clean through our site, found a wonderful Shidduch in the meantime, got married, and yesterday she wrote on the Women's Forum:

"Not Just Clean"

90 days. I'm not really sure what the appropriate thing to say or do right now is. I'm sitting here on my couch with real tears rolling down my cheeks; tears of truth, tears of accomplishment, tears of pride, and tears of immense gratitude to Hashem and to all my "family" at GYE. A few short months ago I was drowning in a sea of wave after wave of lust and acting out. GYE pulled me up, threw me a life jacket, and I grabbed at it desperately. I thought you would just help me be clean and abstinent. Instead, you helped me build true relationships in a place where I could trust, feel, talk, and hope. You helped me be content with the life that I have and to see all the good that Hashem has bestowed upon me. You taught me to smile, to pray, to reach out to others, and to hope to Hashem for help.

Thank you from the bottom of my heart. May we all be zoche to see Geula in all of our personal journeys and to see the ultimate Geula soon!

753.

Tuesday ~ 29 Nissan, 5770 ~ April 13, 2010

In Today's Issue

Torah Thought of the Day: Failure is Part & Parcel of Success
Attitude Tip of the Day: Walk Into the Sea
Q & A of the Day: G-d's Mouthpiece
Daily Dose of Dov: Like a Son Talks to His Father

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Torah Thought of the Day

Failure is Part & Parcel of Success

This morning I was reading some chizuk from Rav Tzvi Meyer and he writes how the days of Seffira are a time to make new Kabbalos... But often people say to themselves, "what's the use of new Kabbalos? I've been Mekabel this thing a thousand times and never succeeded. Why should this time be different?" Says Rav Tzvi Meyer, we don't realize that every time we tried, we DID succeed. Each time we tried, we shook the heavens! And it is ONLY through failure again - and again - and again - that a person can ever succeed. As Chaza"l say, the Torah can only be upheld by one who falls in it. "Seven times the Tzadik falls and gets up" - not because he is a Tzadik, but rather that is what MAKES him into a Tzadik. There can be no light without darkness. "Vayehi Erev, Vayehi Boker" - First night, then morning... So to say that there's no use in trying again because of past failures is childish and silly. Because it is DAVKA BECAUSE we fell so many times before that we will be able to succeed now. The previous failures were PART and PARCEL of our ultimate success!!

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Attitude Tip of the Day

Walk Into the Sea

By "Tried123"

It's all about the struggle my friends.

My life has had so many times where I knew that everything was hopeless. I knew that I was hopeless....

I saw absolutely no way out... Nothing... I was totally totally stuck.....

But here is the thing:
No matter What, Where, How or When, there is always a tiny winy step available that leads nowhere... but it's still a centimeter further than where you are now...

I heard a great Vort:

When Klal Yisrael reached the Yam Suf, they panicked.... They were running and just hit the Yam - a brick wall...

Moshe Prayed to Hashem...

What did Hashem answer?

Why are you crying out to me? Enter the Yam and it will split!

Why did Hashem say "Why are you crying out to me?"
What did he expect? That Moshe shouldn't Daven?

The answer is:

There was no reason to Daven because if they wouldn't have given up and instead would've continued into the water until the water was getting into their mouths... then the water would've split on it's own, because they did their fullest....

The lesson is, that even if you are stuck... Take whatever step there still is to take, even if it leads nowhere....

Why?
because the Yeshua is davka in those steps.....

I've seen this happen with my very own eyes in my own life...
Numerous times....

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Q & A of the Day

G-d's Mouthpiece

Someone asked on the forum:

Is there a scientific link between acting-out and Shalom Bayis?

DovInIsrael responds:

I don't know about scientific, but I have found that Rabbi Arush's book, The Garden of Peace, is absolutely right when he says that the wife is the spiritual mirror of her husband.

I can come home and be the nicest, most wonderful husband... and even take out the trash, wash the dishes, fix the broken light sockets, etc... but if I was acting out or ogling other women that day,my wife will usually start an argument with something like "why don't you do what you are supposed to be doing?"

The voice of Hashem! All she has to do is move her lips.

Think about this and tell me if you notice it too: The way our wives act toward us is the way we are acting toward Hashem.

Ouch!

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Daily Dose of Dov

Dov is sober in SA for over 13 years. See his story here.

Like a Son Talks to His Father

I know a guy who got better just by saying the words when he really needed to. It went something like this:

"G-d, if You are listening, please take away my lust/resentment/fear/(whatever) - because I have plenty of it, and that is the problem here - not this or that person, nor my circumstances.... G-d, if You love me, then please help me know that You love me.... G-d, help me actually have the gratitude I can have to You. I don't want to work hard on anything, I just want You to give all these things to me with the smallest amount of work possible, by me."

Nu. What do you have to lose? Do you think it's chuzpadik to talk to Hashem this way?

If so, I propose to you that he sees our hearts, not just our words. And our hearts do just this all the time! When we are impatient, we are saying to Hashem: "Well? What's taking You so long?!" When our stomachs hurt we tend to get very upset about it - we don't accept it with love (meaning full acceptance that it's Hashem's best plan for us). Our rage is always a nasty way to say to Hashem (in our feelings) something like: "What the h--l are You doing?! Do You have any idea how much this hurts!!". Why else doe we ever get angry about anything?

Nu. That's what I think. Maybe I'm totally off.

So, why keep lying to Hashem if you are already saying it to Him and he knows it?

Let it out, as a son talks to his father. If you feel you can't do that yet, then you can at least ask Him to help you out so that one day you willtalk to Him like a son talks to a father.

Anyway, who says we need the whole package, or nothing? Trying is surely worth something.

754.

Wednesday ~ 30 Nissan, 5770 ~ April 14, 2010
Rosh Chodesh Iyar

In Today's Issue

Attitude Tip of the Day: "How to do a real fall"
Daily Doses of Dov: Three Pearls

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Attitude Tip of the Day

"How to do a real fall"

Posted by "1dayatatime"

This post is for those who are thinking about falling. It will explain how to do a full, complete, genuine fall. Now make sure you read all the directions before you have your fall. Don't cut corners!

The first thing to do, is to notify those in your life that are going to be affected by your fall. If you have a special someone in your life, such as a spouse or fiancé, you must tell them before you fall that you are going to do so. This will save time after the fall and allow them to start feeling bad sooner. It will also save all that silly time wasted in the "cat and mouse" of uncovering your fall. Now if you really want to go the extra mile, you might punch them in the gut or spit in their face, just to make sure they understand where you are coming from. For those of you with children though, you should not tell them ahead of time. Kids much prefer to be "surprised" when their world is shattered. Besides, their crying and whining might kill the buzz of your fall. It's a matter of setting priorities, right? You must also be sure to tell your friends. Traditionally, this isn't done directly. Let them find out you are a schmuck one by one surreptitiously. That will make the agony drawn out for everyone. How much more fun could that be? How and when your boss and coworkers are informed is a matter of some debate. Some think the loss of respect should start as soon as possible. Others think it should come as a bolt out of the blue. I won't take a position but leave that for each to decide for himself. However, sooner or later your employer and colleagues must be allowed to know. Otherwise you are selling your fall short. Last, and certainly least, you must let the P-rn providers know that you are in the market for more poison. They would find out soon enough. But just to make it obvious, you might put a "sucker" button on or a "kick me" sign on your backside.

Now that all the notifications to your loved ones and acquaintances are done, you must take care of the fiscal matters. Go to the ATM and withdraw all the money you can. Now burn it. I know you might be thinking, "that's meshuga!" But your fall will cost you plenty of money and you need the practice of wasting the money. There is no such thing as "free P-rn". Sooner or later P-rn will cost you a ton of money. Sometimes the costs aren't direct. Sometimes it takes the form of divorce costs, alimony and child support, therapy, etc. But falls will cost you money. Those that have a problem with making a fire can use the garbage disposal or a toilet as an alternative method for the money destruction. The important thing is that the money must be totally wasted and destroyed. If the cash withdrawal caused your checks to start bouncing you earn "extra points." If your rent or mortgage payment bounces you are really making a statement!

Ok, the people and fiscal aspects are set, next we need to discuss the logistics. If you use your computer as your P-rn delivery mechanism of choice, you must prepare it. Secure a sledgehammer. Immediately after your fall, take the sledgehammer and destroy your computer. This is to ensure that your computer becomes useless. Often P-rn introduces computer viruses and other junk to make it useless. But sometimes this doesn't happen soon enough. That's where the sledgehammer comes in as the backup. Speaking of backups, do NOT make any backup of your computer disks before destroying it. That will make the loss of your files an added "bonus". If you don't think you are physically strong enough to destroy your computer with a sledgehammer, pouring a can of soft drink or a cup of coffee into the computer has been used as an alternative method. If you use magazines or printed materials instead of the computer, leave them out in the open afterward for everyone to see them. Don't hide them, you should be proud of them. Extra points if you write your name on them in big bold letters and indicate whose they are "property of".

Last we should take care of the physiological aspects. Get a blunt object. If you used a sledgehammer to destroy your computer, it is possible to use that as the blunt object. Now right after your fall whack yourself in the genitals. I know that seems harsh and extreme. But it is necessary to get the full effect. After all, P-rn usage and falls should eventually lead to erectile dysfunction. The whack should be done to try to simulate that. Right now some of you are shaking your head saying to yourself, "I'm not doing that." I understand your point of view. You might be thinking, hurting others, wasting money and destroying my computer you can handle, but you are drawing the line at a shot to the gonads. All I can say is if you really, really want to have all that a fall entails, it has to be done.

By now, some of you are wondering if you can "cut corners". Perhaps have a fall without some of these "benefits". Others have tried that, but until you have done a full-on fall you haven't done a complete one. That means you really have only two choices. Either you keep practicing falls until you get it done fully and completely, or you stop falling. Others of you are now reconsidering whether a fall is worth it at all. I can't argue against that, because that's actually right. So now the choice should be clearer.

So what's it going to be: keep falling until you get it all, or quit falling?

GYE - Helping people hit bottom while still on top :-)

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Daily Doses of Dov

Dov is sober in SA for over 13 years. See his story here.

Don't Argue

Someone wrote on the forum:

It's been 12 days and I don't even have a desire to sin.

I just decided to stop arguing with people, including my wife, my family, my friends.

If someone disagrees, I smile and stay silent. If I get criticized, I smile, stay silent, and thank Hashem for the beautiful, wonderful, instant Kappara (atonement). For if someone insults you, and you don't respond, all of your sins are forgiven.

Why? Because, you had every right to defend yourself, but you chose to forgo your rights. So too, Midah Kineged Midah, Hashem has every right to punish you for your sins, but Hashem will "follow your example" (kaveyachol) and forgo His rights.

Just get passed the need to control everything, be happy always, and Hashem will make miracles for you!

(For an amazing piece on how this is an atonement, see here from Rav Avraham Galanti - as quoted in the Beis Ahron of Karlin).

Dov responds:

I have no idea whether this will interest you, but you may like to read a selection in the back of "Alcoholics Anonymous" in the Member Stories", called "Dr., Alcoholic, Addict" (in the 4th edition it may be renamed, "Dr., Heal Thyself!"), as it hits on this man's experience with exactly how not arguing with people and with G-d is an indispensable part of his ongoing recovery. He even describes it as part of the recovery itself.

Hatzlocha and thanks so much for what you posted!

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The Only Thing That Matters

Where you are going is much more important than where you are coming from.

You may be in some dismay about where you are coming from right now, your track record, your lack of this and of that... but if your reaching out for help and trying, your direction is just fantastic!

It's so easy to sit back and criticize another for not doing this or that, or not holding by whatever good thing.... But by the same token, it is also so natural and easy for us to bitterly criticise ourselves for what we are lacking! We are often quite damning of ourselves. Most folks destroy themselves this way, and permanently.

So, I say you are definitely one lucky guy. Staying on the upward path is the only thing that matters. The only thing.

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Give it to Him, Get it Back

B"H for recovery... I remember well how, when lust was pretty much in charge of my life, my kids were basically just another pain in the behind! I would not have admitted that at the time, of course, but some stuff drove me crazy and I wondered why... only to discover my dirty secret in recovery years later.

In recovery I started to see them as Hashem's kids, rather than mine. It made it easier to accept the burden...

And within a short time, I found that I had naturally accepted them as my own!

When we give our stuff away to Him, it seems that He tends to give it all back to us, and rather quickly! Then it's finally really ours - and we act like it!

BTW, this is the Gemora's explanation the Pasuk "Hashamayim Shamayim LaHashem, Ve'Ha'aretz Nasan Livnei Adam", that before the bracha it belongs to Hashem, and after the Bracha to us.

755.

Thursday ~ 1 Iyar, 5770 ~ April 15, 2010
Rosh Chodesh Iyar

In Today's Issue

Announcement: The Newly Updated GYE Handbook
Torah Thought of the Day - Rosh Chodesh: From Darkness Back to Light
Testimonial of the Day: "With all your help, I know we'll make it"
Daily Dose of Dov: Being "Good" or Being with Hashem?

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Announcement

We are happy to announce the release of the newly updated "GuardYourEyes Handbook" - containing 18 tools in progressive order, to breaking free of lust addiction.

Download it here
(Right Click and press "Save Link/Target As")

Note: The new version is dated April 15, 2010 - Rosh Chodesh Iyar 5770. If you download it now and the handbook's first page does not have that date on it, it means that the old one is still in the cache of your browser, and your computer is assuming it's the same one, since it has the same name. You will have to clear the cache (or use a different browser) in order for your system to allow you to download the REAL new one from the site.

The first edition was released about a year ago, on Pesach Sheini. There were some minor updates over the past year, but this edition is our first major update, and it has been overhauled in a number of ways:

1) Two Haskamos in the beginning
2) A number of testimonials from users about the handbook
3) Many grammar and spelling errors were fixed
4) A number of important additions were made to the various chapters
5) Outdated info was updated to be current.
6) New GYE features that weren't available last year were included.

The GYE handbook lays down the cornerstone of all our work at GuardYourEyes. Before the handbook people would often get "lost" when coming to our website, not knowing what tips and techniques to try. For example, someone with a low level addiction wouldn't jump straight into therapy or 12-Step groups, while someone whose addiction was more advanced wouldn't be helped by the standard tips of "making fences", putting in "filters" etc... For the first time ever, this handbook details all the techniques and tools dealing with this addiction in progressive order. Now, anyone can read it through and see what steps they've tried already, and if those steps haven't worked, they can continue on through the handbook to the next tools, as the suggestions become progressively more "addiction-oriented".

We suggest printing out the handbook and reading it through at least once. Then, we suggest going back and reading it again slowly on the computer, and this time pressing on the many links that are found in the different articles.

The GYE Handbook Daily E-mails

For those who don't have time to read through the handbook - or if you simply want to review a little bit each day, we are restarting the "The GYE Handbook" daily e-mail list next week be"h, which will bring an excerpt from the handbook each day.

For those who haven't signed up to this list yet, you can update your profile to include this new list. Click "Update Profile/E-Mail Address" at the bottom of this e-mail, and select the 3rd daily e-mail option called "The GYE Handbook".

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Torah Thought of the Day: Rosh Chodesh

"From Darkness Back to Light"

Posted by "Eye.nonymous"

Yesterday I was on the verge of acting-out. Everything was going wrong at once. I posted my frustration on the forum and I decided to check my E-mail one last time before shutting down.

And there was the Chizuk e-mail with the article, "How to do a real fall".

I read it. I thought it was very funny. It was great to put a humorous perspective on acting out.

It made me feel how absurd it would be to act out.

This morning during Hallel I stopped to think, "Hey, what's the big deal about a new month? What are we singing praises about?"

After a few moments, I came up with a couple of answers.

1. The moon was just gone, and now it came back. We celebrate the idea that even from total darkness, we can come back into the light.

2. Renewal. Each month is a chance to start over. Really, each day is a chance to start over. "One day at a time," everyone knows means don't think too much about the future. Looking ahead at a seemingly overwhelming task can make you give up hope. BUT ALSO, it means TODAY IS A NEW DAY. You don't have to carry your baggage and ill-feelings over from yesterday. You can clear the emotional slate and have a fresh, calm start.

3. Also, we can to Teshuva and have a fresh start, all our sins forgiven. Lots of people even daven special "Yom Kippur Katan" services the day before Rosh Chodesh.

I'm starting to see, over and over again, that after these really hard days, the Tomorrow can turn out much different. Even better.

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Testimonial of the Day

"With all your help, I know we'll make it"

Posted by "StrugglingYid" today

Two days ago, after a night spent feeding my sickness, I stumbled across an ad for this site and suddenly my eyes began to open. There was hope and a way to deal with this. I told myself that Hashem sent me here for a reason, and that reason is to get better. I realized that for me, I would have to come clean with my wife. I could not go on living a lie. I told myself, I have a good relationship with my wife, telling her this may hurt or destroy that relationship, but I cannot live with this being a secret from her. I need her love, help and support to get through this. I thought to myself that "I am putting this in your hands Hashem. I will tell her the truth and you help my wife reach the right decision as to how to respond to this, and I accept your judgment." That morning I finally confessed to my wife that I have this addiction. To say the least, she was shocked! She was upset as well. We spoke for a while and she began to express her love, support, and belief in me. To say the least, it was as if a huge load was taken off my shoulders.

I realize that I may still fall again, but I am committed to accepting that I have a problem and I need to do what I can to fix it. Every person that is here is a tremendous chizuk to the next person. Without seeing the forums, I do not know if I would have found the strength to take these first steps. Today will be my second day clean. It is a baby step and I have a lot to learn, but with all your help, I know we will make it.

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Daily Dose of Dov

Dov is sober in SA for over 13 years. See his story here.

Being "Good" or Being with Hashem?

Someone writes on the forum:

It has been almost 7 weeks now, & I just don't have any more strength, desire or interest to stay clean. I just want to give it all up. Can you please stop me? Please reply only if you have something wise to say.

Dov replies:

Are you asking for something wise, or something helpful?

This may not sound very wise to you, but I'm not as stupid as I used to be, so here goes:

You say "it has been 7 weeks now". May I ask, 7 weeks of what?

Of freedom from being a slave to your lust?

Or seven weeks of being "good"?

If it's been a bit of freedom, why wouldn't it be at least somewhat enjoyable?

Wherefore all the misery?

If it's the second (and that's my guess) then I don't blame you at all for being sick of it, but also have little sympathy. Been there, done that.

Admitted, I do not know you and whether or not your life is basically being screwed up by the lust that you do not successfully control, but here's my pitch:

For an addict, trying to avoid or overpower their drug in order to "be good"- is just another silly recipe for disaster. What gives us the idea that we can beat it now?

Usually, I maintained the struggle just to keep lust in my life. Because when actually faced with the option to give it up, I found myself absolutely terrified! Besides, struggling with "evil" is exactly how we became as screwed up as we are! An addict does not win, and the struggle invariably becomes a dance. We are not supposed to dance with arayos, are we? The way the AA's put it was this: "My very best thinking is what brought me here". Uh oh

So, if you make up your own mind that you are tired of failing at being "good" and are ready to give-up beating your head into a wall and feeling sorry for yourself about the severe headache, we may then have something to talk about. It may even be wise. For in my experience, Recovery is about Freedom and being with Hashem, not about our own strength and our own goodness. For an addict, that's just more foolishness.

And that's where the steps begin.

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Saying of the Day

(From Dov Above)

"Recovery is about Freedom and being with Hashem, not about our own strength and our own goodness."

756.

Friday ~ 2 Iyar, 5770 ~ April 16, 2010

In Today's Issue

Announcement Repeat: The GYE Handbook e-mails starting next week
Parsha Talk - Tazriya Metzorah: Four Divrei Torah from our members
Daily Dose of Dov: The "Cake" is Self Honesty, Period.

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Announcement Repeat

We are happy to announce the release of the newly updated "GuardYourEyes Handbook" - containing 18 tools in progressive order, to breaking free of lust addiction.

Download it here
(Right Click and press "Save Link/Target As")

The GYE Handbook Daily E-mails

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Parsha Talk: Tazriya - Metzorah

Super Natural

"And on the 8th day, he should circumcise his Orlah"

"Commando" wrote to someone who was talking about gradually cutting down, rather than stopping cold-turkey:

Some people claim that masturbation is just a natural desire, just like eating and sleeping. I agree that it's very natural. But a natural lifestyle would be NOT to be shomer bris at all. The whole concept of the bris is to go beyond natural and become part of the supernatural. The bris on the 8th day symbolizes the number 8 which is beyond nature, as the Maharal explains. So changing ourselves to keep the bris isn't going to work if we treat this the same as eating foods with less cholesterol. It will require supernatural effort which by definition will require the help of Hashem.

The problem with discussing cold turkey vs. gradual slowdown is that in both cases you're looking at the future instead of the present. And you can't predict your circumstances or feelings in the future. How do you know you can hold out another day/week/month/year? Also, if you look at the future, that can stress you out because you see the tall mountain instead of the hair. Try the "one day at a time" approach, then the whole discussion becomes irrelevant. On any given day we're either capable of being shomer the bris or we're not. If we're capable, that means we have Hashem's help to succeed, and that help will probably come in the form of the ability to use the tools listed in the GYE handbook. If we're truly incapable and fall, hopefully we'll be considered an oneis like Reb Tzadok Hakohen says (see my posting here).

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Who, me??

By bardichev

In this weeks Parsha, we find the dinim of nega'im in all their details.

In the process of the Tahara for a mitzorah, we find that the person must bring two doves, a piece of cedar wood and some 'ezov' grass.

We are all familiar with the concept that the haughty person who is like a tall cedar, must lower himself to be humble as the 'Ezov' grass

Reb Henoch of Alexander Ztl gives it a little twist and says that the cedar and ezov also symbolize how sometimes, the falsely humble person MUST RAISE HIMSELF LIKE A CEDAR!!

How profound!!

In our struggle, the Yetzer Hara's weapon is to break a person and make him feel that his actions are meaningless.

So raise yourself. Pride yourself that you are a prince and a princess!

I would like to add that that is why Shabbos has the power to transform NEGA into ONEG (the same letters).

All week we are busy with our little pursuits, we don't have the time, patience and clarity to see the big picture.

On Shabbos, we break from the mundane. We can raise ourselves and use the very Nega and turn it into Oneg. Physical pleasures which normally pull us down, are uplifted on Shabbos into a true Oneg!

So the next time the Yetzer Hara comes knocking tell him, "who, me??" Nah. You got the wrong address. I have too much pride to lower my standards to you!!

Oyoyoy Shabbos koidesh!

With all the love in the world,
Bardichev

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Get Back Up & Smile!

By Yosef Hatzadik

"V'ish ki seitzei mimeno shichvas zerah veruochatz besoro bemayim v'tamei ad ha'erev._(15:16) - And a man who has a seinal emission should wash his flesh in water and he will be impure until the evening (erev)."

After someone falls, he must get out of the depressed mode. As long as he is not besimcha, he is guaranteed to fall into the Yetzer Harah's net again.

As the Pasuk says: Even after he will purify himself from his emission, HE IS STILL guaranteed to be TAMEI again UNTIL his outlook becomes SWEET (Erev = Arev = sweet).

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Finding the Treasures Inside Us

By Yosef Hatzadik

"V'nasati negah tzora'as b'veis eretz achizaschem. _(14:34) - And I will place a Nega Tzara'as in a house in the land of your inheritance."

Rashi says that this is good news, because the Emori'im hid golden treasures in the walls of their houses prior to Bnei Yisroel's conquering Eretz Yisroel, and through the demolition that the negah the obligates the new owners to, they find those treasures.

The discomfort, difficulties, and suffering that a person has to endure, may, at times, be the key to his success. It may be that only after going through his predetermined portion of affliction that can he find the buried treasure.

Furthermore, the residents of the home may have been living there for many many years completely oblivious to their potential wealth. It is only after they are actively engaged in eradicating the tumah that they found on their wall, that they merit finding the cache.

We, the Holy members of the holy GYE Kehilla, were going on our merry way down our individual journeys through life. We answered Rabbeinu Guard's call to arms, rerouted our direction toward a better goal, set ourselves some way-points to periodically adjust our bearings, and we now are headed for the GOLD!!!

Through the addiction, pain - and ERADICATING THE TUMAH, we will find the treasures that are buried deep inside ourselves!

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Daily Dose of Dov

Dov is sober in SA for over 13 years. See his story here.

The "Cake" is Self Honesty, Period.

Someone wrote on the forum:

"The spiritual approach is not for me. I just want to get back control of my life"

Dov replies:

I must tell you that that the spiritual approach isn't for me, either.

That's precisely why I turn off some folks by posting my take on their struggle for the sake of halachic goodness and spirituality as "romanticizing" - and hence perpetuating - their losing battle. (Of course, I only tell them that after they clearly rant and rave about how they are always losing, and whine about it themselves!)

It seems to me that all some folks want to hear is that if they only tried harder to be good, went to the mikva one more time daily, or said just one more brocha with adequate or better kavonoh, they'd finally deserve to get the "key" to this thing, and be free. Anything else - like considering that their problem is not a religious one - sounds like apikorsus to them. And indeed it is apikorsus to their own "torah", which mandates that even the insane be successful. I feel that such a perspective, held with tenacity while the house is in flames all around them, is nothing short of apikorsus and believe it comes from Pride rather than from true dedication to Hashem. They have the wrong G-d, it seems.

I do not doubt their intent, but for me, had G-d given me the key on basis of being "good enough", that freedom surely would have been quickly abused and twisted by me as yet further license to pervert myself. "More power" would have only convinced me that I can "handle it", and therefore can get away with using lust even more.

Do you understand what I mean so far?

To me, if there is anything spiritual in the problem, it is ultimately my Pride - a lie, that allowed me to keep serving my "g-d": the power of Lust to pleasure myself. And if there is anything spiritual about the answer, it is Humility - i.e. the truth. Anything else in my personal spiritual growth was my own choice - icing on the cake, as far as recovery is concerned. The "cake" is self-honesty, period.

And it had to almost kill me to help me finally give up my self-reliance, start going to meetings in unlikely places and with unlikely persons, learn about how to stop serving my own Self, and eventually grow into a man happy to serve his true G-d, Hashem.

What approach works for you?

757.

Sunday ~ 4 Iyar, 5770 ~ April 18, 2010

In Today's Issue

A Big Mazal Tov: To Noorah on ONE YEAR CLEAN!
12-Step Attitude: "If these guys can do it..."
Quote of the Day: From "Hoping4Change"
Daily Dose of Dov: The Real Balm

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A Big Mazal Tov to 'Noorah B'Amram' on

ONE YEAR CLEAN!

"Noorah" writes on his thread:

One year for me. I hesitated to post this for I firmly believe that ONLY the Almighty in His infinite kindness protected me every day and every second of the day, and no kudos are due to me nor are any bravos in order - rather a seudas hodah shall I make.

The only reason I post this, is out of a tremendous debt of gratitude- a debt that can never ever be repaid - to Rabeinu Guard and all the holy chevrah on the forum, who intentionally and unintentionally, knowingly and unknowingly have brought me to this point.

I pray that I do not fall prey to any illusions or fantasies of security and complacency , for I have been here before and have spectacularly descended to the deepest regions of HELL!!!

From the depths of my soul, I scream and I cry, I BEG AND I PLEAD .............PLEASE HASHEM ......MY FATHER IN HEAVEN, YOU HAVE HELPED ME UNTIL NOW... PLEASE DO NOT LET GO OF ME FOREVER!

With the utmost of humility,

Noorah from the house of Amram

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To understand why he calls himself "Noorah B'Amram" and to read his beautiful story, see Chizuk e-mail #523 on this page from when he reached his first 90 days clean.

May Hashem bless him to continue to climb upwards and continue helping and inspiring so many others in the GYE community.

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12-Step Attitude

"If these guys can do it..."

"Rage" writes about his first SA meetings:

There are moments when I feel that God is trying to snap his fingers at me (perhaps impatiently)... Like the day I went to my first SA meeting. That morning I was like, "am I gonna go? Am I not? How much of a flake will I be if I go?" And as I was really struggling with whether I'm too tough to go to SA, I was listening to my favorite radio guy and he is one tough sonovabitch, the last person you would think of as flakey... And he had this guest on, a celebrity chef who was telling over her life story... and amazingly enough, she started talking about her recovery through the 12 steps. And she started talking about the serenity prayer and the radio jock - Mr. toughie - says "of course I know the serenity prayer. I recovered from drugs and alcohol through the 12 steps and AA". And I was like "Woah, that was pretty cool"...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Okay, so I went to my first SA meeting and I learned some interesting things... Basically, none of my fears were realized and I am looking forward to tomorrow's meeting.

If nothing else I feel good that I am at least taking some sort of action to address this disease instead of just sitting back and letting the disease eat away at me and kill me...

So I am a newbie again... I got a token that commits me to come back to meetings or something... Looks like a poker chip and it has the serenity prayer etched on it... Hashem, please help me get right cuz if this fails I'm really screwed...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

So I went to meeting two today... so far so good... Since I've been going I've had no slips or falls, and none wanted and none needed... I feel re-energized and revitalized and hoping that this course of action can bring me back some serenity....

I still don't know how to work the 12 steps and I am hoping the meetings may be a step into learning what to do...But one instant reward is, that at the meetings you meet people that have been through so much worse situations than you and (1) you become grateful for what you have and (2) you see that, "hey, if these guys can do it, there's no reason why you can't do it too".

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Quote of the Day

"Hoping4Change" writes:

I was able to "break free" during Pesach - thank G-d. I installed a filter and made the messages of Chizuk my homepage. I am forcing myself to read ten Chizuk messages before going on to check email, or what ever else I planned to do online. It has helped very much.

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Daily Dose of Dov

Dov is sober in SA for over 13 years. See his story here.

The Real Balm

A teenage boy wrote on the forum:

"I am proud to say that with the help of Hashem I am TWENTY DAYS CLEAN!!! But let me tell you, I am definitely feeling the heat. My body is saying to me, "GO VIEW PORN. IT FEELS GOOD. ESCAPE WITH ME INTO THE LAND OF FAKE PLEASURE AND UNINHIBITED FREEDOM". Of course I know that this pleasure is only temporary and afterward I will feel absolutely miserable and only so much more far away from "real life". My problem is that never in my life have I ever stood up to my real problems and issues. I have always covered them over with this balm of lust. I read through both handbooks yesterday and I need to implement more tools. Also, I am still having a problem of getting my brain to understand that this is not a fight. How do I explain to my logical mind that I am powerless and that I must let G-d deal with my problem and just do my thing?"

Dov replies:

Please remember to take it easy. Years and years of relative nuttiness can't change a lot overnight, and certainly not by our (sorry) puny efforts. But we do change and grow more than we'd ever have imagined, over time.

Hashem will really help you (a lot), especially if you ask Him to (a lot).

Reading through the handbooks is great, but look out. It's filled with so many tools... perhaps picking one to try today is a good strategy. Tomorrow you can use it some more or take thought then to picking and trying out a different one. Too much planning just makes most folks crazy. Remember: If the way you and I naturally go about dealing with problems is so effective, how did we end up in this mess to begin with!? We really need an open mind here... so I'm just posting some suggestions.

The other thing I'd like to share with you is that there is something way more important than cleaning up all our garbage and letting go of all the lust balm we used to cover it all up with. And that is learning what our alternative is. And it's not a matter of hashkofa at all - it's purely and only experience. We need to start building the "alternative balm", which is the "RealBalm": a relationship with Hashem that really works.

It is built slowly, and on His schedule. Addicts like me start out by bringing Him right into our temptations and giving up our temptations and lust to Him to take care of, for us. It is further built by calling on safe friends to open up to, as you are in these posts (though a phone call or text is better cuz of the real-time aspect). And by using the tools and thanking Him for your successes rather than taking the credit. If I take the credit, I retake the struggle along with it! That's just the way it works, it seems. Our relationship with Hashem is built further when we are patient with ourselves and forgiving to others.

All these things build up the Alternative.

Water it and tend it - till one day, after a few months or maybe even a year or so (everyone is different), we get a temptation and discover that we are truly motivated to quickly get help - because we cherish our relationship with our very own G-d, and our own integrity! They become so precious to us that we rush to protect them at all costs!

Now, that's a nice place to be.

But you must take it easy to get there. As my mother used to tell me: "Crakow wasn't built in a day, they say.";-)

758.

Monday ~ 5 Iyar, 5770 ~ April 19, 2010

In Today's Issue

Parsha Talk - Metzorah: Wear a Crown!
Joke of the Day: Let Go & Let G-d
Battle Communication: Run away; you won't lose anything!
Daily Dose of Dov: Recovery in Action - a Miracle

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Parsha Talk: Metzorah

Wear a Crown!

By "Yosef Hatzadik"

"V'hizhartem es Bnei Yisroel mitumasam v'lo yamusu b'timasam. _(15:31) And you shall warn the Bnei Yisroel about their impurities, that they should not die in their impurities."

I heard from Harav Naftalie Jeager Shlita, Rosh Yeshiva of Yeshiva Sho'or Yoshuv: V'hizartem can be derived from the root Nezer, a crown, It is a glorious thing for Klal Yisroel to separate themselves from all tumah. A Nazir separates himself. He wears a Crown of "separation".

In our personal struggles, we separate ourselves from our Yetzer Horah. The crowns that we wear are symbolized by those found on the 90 Day Chart & the Wall of Honor.

We joined this group when we reached the realization that otherwise we will die from the tumah - a living death. Externally we would still be walking & talking, but inside ourselves we would be dead. V'lo yamisu b'timasam!

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Joke of the Day

Let Go & Let G-d

From Jewlarious at aish.com

A man was walking in the mountains just enjoying the scenery when he stepped too close to the edge of the mountain and started to fall. In desperation he reached out and grabbed a limb of a gnarly old tree hanging onto the side of the cliff.

Full of fear he assessed his situation. He was about 100 feet down a shear cliff and about 900 feet from the floor of the canyon below. If he should slip again he'd plummet to his death.

Full of fear, he cries out, "Help me!" But there was no answer. Again and again he cried out but to no avail. Finally he yelled, "Is anybody up there?"

A deep voice replied, "Yes, I'm up here."

"Who is it?"

"It's the Lord"

"Can you help me?"

"Yes, I can help."

"Help me!"

"Let go."

Looking around the man became full of panic. "What?!?!"

"Let go. I will catch you."

"Uh... Is there anybody else up there?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Besides for being a good joke, this holds a deep lesson. "Let go and Let G-d" is the foundation of recovery. When Hashem puts us in a desperate situation, He is trying to get our attention (as Rav Noach Weinberg from Aish used to say). He wants to catch us and save us, He's just waiting for us to let go and let Him. Unfortunately, all to often we look for "another" god/answer, rather than admit defeat and give over our lives to Him.

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Battle Communication

Run away; you won't lose anything!

"Steve" writes:

When it comes to Shemiras Ainayim outside in the street, we have to realize that EVEN WHEN WE LOOK, the pretty girl is gone in a moment, AND WHAT DID WE GAIN? NOTHING!!! Adarabah, what we LOST was tremendous, cuz we wired our brain at that moment, we conditioned ourselves to want to look, to give into our taivos all the more. Next time will be harder to avoid, not easier, and maybe a bigger slip, or it might be the straw that breaks our resolve for good, chas v'shalom!!

And remember something else, guys - you know you've felt this: Even after you look, five seconds later she's gone from view, you've forgotten about her anyway, she means nothing to you anymore. So instead of looking, you can keep from looking until she's past and it's no longer possible, and then you realize YOU LOST NOTHING. BUT YOU GAINED ETERNITY!!

Now, take it up a notch and apply the same method to viewing porn & acting out. If the urge comes, GET AWAY FROM THE SCREEN and the opportunity to peak easily. RUN AWAY!! Get involved in something else, get your head out of it. Call a friend or a sponsor! AND SCREAM OUT TO HASHEM RIGHT THEN - "SAVE ME!!" - You'll see that after a few moments the urge should lessen, if not disappear completely for the time being.

And then you'll realize, by NOT looking, by NOT doing, you didn't really miss or lose anything. Cuz then you see that it means nothing to you anyway. And you'll realize WHAT YOU GAINED!!

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Daily Dose of Dov

Dov is sober in SA for over 13 years. See his story here.

Recovery in Action - a Miracle.

Someone who is clean for 5 months wrote on the forum:

"I'M GOING NUTS!!! I wish all these nisyonos would stop already.

I haven't had a decent income to speak of in at least a year. I'm really getting worried.

My wife, under normal circumstances, spends half her time bringing our children to different doctors appointments.

Now she's in the hospital for hopefully no more than another day or two, but worst-case-scenerio could be six weeks.

I might as well add: I did teshuva and pretty much lost the rest of my family--they all stayed behind. Can barely relate to them anymore. It's been like that since at least 15 years ago.

My learning hopes and aspirations have totally fallen apart.

I don't want to hide these feelings. I don't want to pretend like I made it to 90 days and, presto, suddenly became a superhuman or angel or something.

I don't feel like acting out, but I feel totally crushed. Paralyzed.

Right now my children just came home. They are playing downstairs, and I am ignoring them upstairs to write this. I've been running around like crazy all morning taking care of different things. Pretty soon I'll log out, go downstairs and make lunch, and spend the rest of the day taking care of them."

Dov replies:

Apparently, nisyonos always do stop at some point, but they will be replaced by other ones that may (or may not) be easier in many respects... We just have to grow, I guess.

We just need to all do the best we can under the circumstances - and see the good in that. If I don't, I'll end up acting out c"v, and that may actually kill me. The things that I wish - no matter how objectively "good" they are - just can't be allowed to take front row any more emotionally... that's recovery in action. A real miracle. Otherwise, the next step for me will be trying to "fix it all up" using my magic (lust) toolbox... it has only one tool in it, and it's a, ummm, errr... let's just call it "fantasy".

As far as not being able to relate anymore to your family (I assume by "family" you mean your parent(s) and siblings) after becoming a baal Teshuvah, Youch, that hurts. In recovery, I have discovered that I can maintain my mental and spiritual distance from these people while relating to them more and more. Your serenity will fill you and protect you. Just don't give it up for their sake - or for anybody's! Looking down on others in any way, does just that to me, and soon I start to slip.

You have come a very long way and Hashem is helping you in spades. Please consider using this pain. By working my 4th-9th steps from within the pains of life I have found freedom and growth, and lots of nechama in hard times. Countless others have, as well. Keep up the good work. You are worth it, and so are your wife and kiddies.

You may not be perfect at anything, may not be the talmid chochom you wish, may not have the money for the comfort and normalcy you want for your family yet, and may not be as happy a person right now as you wish you'd be, but at the very least, you are trying to be a responsible person and a decent father and faithful husband. I believe that your kids will forgive you for all the insufficiencies you have. Every child needs a decent, loving father and every wife needs a decent, loving husband - like you are. Not a great, wise, nor wealthy one.

Gevalt! We all hope that things get easier quickly for you and yours!

759.

Tuesday ~ 6 Iyar, 5770 ~ April 20, 2010

In Today's Issue

Battle Communication: Changing from the Inside
Daily Dose of Dov: The Failure of Self-Centeredness in Making Life Work

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Battle Communication

Changing from the Inside

"Me" posted to a newbie on the forum:

As I am approaching close to 2 years on this forum, I would like to somehow save you much time.

Can you do the following?

1) Admit that you are an addict to internet "P".

2) Do some soul searching, and see that somewhere in your life you are not feeling fulfilled. You have doubts about yourself, your relationship with Hashem etc. etc. You're hurting somewhere?

3) Know that as long as you have access to internet you will continue to view interent "P", and will not change. A strong filter without having the password is a MUST.

4) Understand that it is point #2 above, (your discontentment in life on some level, that will continue to "need" the big "P" outlet as a means of distraction.

5) Believe, and understand that until you work on the root, i.e. point #2, (to change the middos, that bring on this discontentment that Hashem has given to you personally, in order to get closer to him, then your need for "P" will disappear.

6) The quickest way to do this, is to join one of the phone groups TODAY.

Even when you are experiencing those so called "good" days, what you really are feeling is that "things" have gone well for you today... And on the "bad" days, you feel that things have not gone well today. BUT, on a deeper level, let's remove the days, and looks at ourselves. The days change each and every day, but we stay the same. We are the same miserable person (on some level), whether it is a good day or bad day. We cannot run and hide from ourselves. "The real you" will always surface on some level, and not necessarily a conscious one.

So, we here on this forum have all experienced waking up to a "good" day, feeling positive, having had a good night's sleep, etc, looking forward to the great day ahead, and then a few hours later... BAM! ... WHAT HAPPENED?

The answer is, it is not the day that must change, but rather Hashem is urging us to make the "real" change... deep down. By doing this, on a deep level we will no longer have a need for these things, nor an interest to go back to the "P".

Duvid Chaim's group is just now starting today the 12 step part of the Big-Book and you can join. This is the part where we addicts begin to change internally. Not the days or the circumstances around us, but ourselves.

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Daily Dose of Dov

Dov is sober in SA for over 13 years. See his story here.

This piece from Dov is long, but very deep and beautiful. Definitely worth your time!

The Failure of Self-Centeredness in Making Life Work

Dov replies to someone who claims the 'religious approach' is not for him:

What got me into trouble with lust was not that I was violating the halacha. It's also why I have been quoted as saying: "I don't really care exactly which lav suicide is - I'm not interested in it for other reasons!". True, violating the halacha was horrifying and devastating to me. But that didn't stop me from getting worse. That's just a fact.

What eventually stopped me was that I saw I was really going to lose the life I chose for myself: a life that included having a conscience, integrity, some kind of 'good'-ness (Torah, etc.), and in which I'd be a part of something - like a marriage, community, and a family of my very own, for example. Those were not religious choices, per se. It was just me. The fact that any normal religion includes all these things in it's description of healthy living, is just a side-issue for me. I chose them for myself. Perhaps yiddishkeit helped create those desires within me, perhaps other things did. I think it's irrelevant.

Now within me, there was also a childish expectation that all people would adore and revere me and therefore do my will. For example, my wife would please me in every way whenever I wanted, my kids would be cooperative, and any people I was beholden to in the working world would give me the respect (and the leeway when I deserved no respect) that I felt I was entitled to. I also expected to become a Gadol b'Torah - and recognized as such. Instead... well, it was beginning to become clear that I was just a regular guy among regular people. Unacceptable! If I wasn't going to be recognized as a gadol b'Torah and tzaddik, could I at least be recognized as a porn star? Sounds really crazy... it is really crazy... but that's where I was in my desires, for a time. Life wasn't supposed to be like this.

When life was obviously not happening the way I expected it to - mainly cuz every real person actually has their own will - I needed some pretty powerful coping tools. The best and most reliable one I could find was associated with a part of my body that I could control using lust and gave me tremendous pleasure. To hell with everyone else - I had it made for those moments! Problem solved, sort of....

OK. So then Lust - my secret best friend and god - turned on me. And here is where I guess the real G-d finally begins to come into the picture. See, I was accustomed to years of secret self-pleasuring and self-saving via manipulation of others. My wife couldn't find out about the things that (I rationalized) my dissatisfaction with her was making me do. It'd ruin it all, cuz she wouldn't understand - though in my heart I expected her to understand fully! Of course she had no chance competing against the schmutz already in my head - those women appear to have no will of their own, no babies, no aging, nor any real life either, of course! They'd always be mine! Wow. Now that was a 'higher power' I could really hang onto!

While I was busy keeping my self comfortable and managing everything around me to serve that holy end, I was unconsciously building myself up as the center of my universe... and things got screwier and screwier in my life! To be honest, I was shocked about this! After all, I was such a nice guy to everyone and did real great favors for some people, seemed quite selfless at times, learned quite a bit, and was very religious - but it was still all about the experience (even Torah/serving Hashem). It was about "the feeling". The "d'veikus". I was at the center of it all! Not G-d, nor His Will. Sorry that I can't explain it any better.

Now, I could have gone on that way forever, I guess. Perhaps many do. Maybe it's really OK for them. It's not that it was wrong, immoral, or whatever. But as it turned out, Self-Preservation, as I saw it, steamrolled all those nice considerations - no more! Here's how:

I was turning to my drug in progressive ways, and lying like crazy to cover it up. I knew I was not the man my wife, children, co-workers or friends saw, at all. If you suggest that it was all just religious guilt, I say no way. The things I had to do were in no way compatible with a faithful lifestyle as a husband and father. I'd never do any of those things with real people I knew watching. I discovered the hard way that porn, unbridled self-pleasuring with lust and animal-like sexuality are simply not compatible with any kind of normal life at all.

Now if you propose that it's all society's fault, I say maybe you could go off to a place where they live that way and see how it goes. Really. The communes of the 60's tried it; many societies tried it. The biggest problem - and this is what "ruined it all" for me - is that it's all based on self-centeredness. Wills were eventually again at war... the "acceptance" and "free love" of others that they tried to use as a defense to the self-will problem eventually gave way. There is no escape from that fact that every real person has their own, differing will. Disunity breeds strife, and there is apparently no fascism for sex... I tried it. The petite dictator himself! It turned out that you really do get more with honey (giving) than you do with vinegar (demanding), and no addict I know has real honey. Cash is a poor honey substitute, if you know what I mean. We all went through this failure process, in some small way. That's what brings many people to recovery. Looking for a life that works. And that is precisely why the focus on G-d and on people other than myself is the answer to me and to so many other addicts of all kinds. It has much less to do with religion, and more to do with the abject failure of self-centeredness in making life work. Without working the steps in my real life, there is no ego deflation for me, just more quiet desperation. I ain't goin back there, ever.

If you want your life to be yet another experiment in getting the self-centered approach to work, I say: go for it. But if it has been working pretty well till now, then why are you here? Why are you displeased? Were you really happy before, and came to Recovery just for more kicks? If your angst is really about "staying clean" for the sake of "staying clean", I have no answers for you. I tried that approach and got nowhere but deeper into hell.

760.

Wednesday ~ 7 Iyar, 5770 ~ April 21, 2010

In Today's Issue

Announcement: Updated 'Attitude Handbook'
Two Mazal Tov's Today! To "Yosef Hatzadik" and "Briut"
GYE is changing lives: Please Help us with names
Daily Dose of Dov: "It Will Pass"

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Announcement

Updated 'Attitude Handbook'

In light of the recent update to the GYE Handbook, a member of our forum who calls himself "Kedusha" decided to help with updating the "Attitude Handbook" as well. He spent many hours reviewing it twice, from beginning to end, and in addition to correcting grammar and spelling, he helped improved the wording in quite a number of places.

Thank you 'Kedusha'!

So although there have been no substantive changes, the new version contains a significant number of corrections and revisions.

The updated version is now available for downloading here.

(Right Click and press "Save Link/Target As")

Note: The new version is dated April 21, 2010 - 7 Iyar 5770. If you download it now and the handbook's first page does not have that date on it, it means that the old one is still in the cache of your browser, and your computer is assuming it's the same one, since it has the same name. You will have to clear the cache (or use a different browser) in order for your system to allow you to download the REAL new one from the site.

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Two Mazal Tov's Today!

1. A Big Mazal Tov to "Yosef Hatzadik"

upon reaching 90 days!

Yosef Hatzadik shared with me some of his story yesterday, upon reaching 90 days clean:

Rabbi Binyamen Eisenberger Shlita demands that even those that just come to his shul for some shiurim must sign up to the Covenanteyes program with him getting the reports - at his expense! And he saw that I had a problem and confronted me. Even with his warnings, I couldn't stop. He pointed out to me that I am .... .... .... yes, that word, "addicted". He sent me to GYE..... & the rest is history!!!!

Before GYE, I had a Yahoo account with all my 'passwords' saved... I also had a DVD with over 900 images saved on it. Since I started posting on the GYE forum, I didn't go through them again, but I didn't have the guts to get rid of them either. I was hoping behind the scenes that this GYE thingy will pass & I will still make use of them. After all, in the past years I did 'Teshuvah' countless times. Sometimes I even threw away DVDS that I bought without even watching them. But I kept the Yahoo account (talk about contradictions!)

After a few weeks in GYE, & speaking to my Rav/(friend), I gathered the courage to make the cut-off complete. I deleted the Yahoo account & broke the DVD into two. I saved the broken disk because I wanted to burn it with the Chometz on Erev Pesach.

The second & third weeks of GYE and abstaining from looking at shmutz were the hardest for me. I doubted that I will be able to keep it up long term.

Afterwards, it seemed almost like the Yetzer Harah forgot my address, Boruch Hashem. (I am nervous that he is just lying low & preparing a surprise attack. I hope to stay vigilant, thereby eliminating the element of surprise!)

To give an example of how far I've come, my wife wants to go to the Catskills for the summer months this year. She consulted with a Great Rav in Yerushalayim and he didn't want to give an answer without speaking to me first. He asked me what will be with my "inyanei kedusha" for those two months? (He knows all about my nisyonos already). I told him that I am at day 82 (which is where I was holding on the day I spoke to him), and that I was not afraid of being home alone! THANKS TO GYE!!!

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2. Mazal Tov to "Briut" upon reaching 100 days!

"Briut" posted the following today on the forum:

I think it's time for a 100 DAY CELEBRATION!

100 days into this journey and I'm now seeing that THIS IS NOT BEYOND ME. Cleaning up my act is within my field of vision. Hashem hears my prayers and is saying 'yes.'

Thank you, Father!

I feel as if I've crossed over some huge mental divide, to a place where I see a different way of going through my sex life, my love life and even my parenting life. I'm not there yet, but I now see the next round of work that'll make it happen. I hope to keep working on the following two areas:

1) "Shmiras einayim": Very tricky. I'm seeing how much I've enjoyed the 'buzz' from someone good-looking, and even filing the image away for a more private moment. I've got to find a replacement buzz to succeed in this area for the long term.

2) "More Love, Less Lust": In the past, I've approached intimate relationships with some "mutual objectification by consent" (i.e., pure lust) rather than true love. If I can focus on increasing the amount of love I give others, perhaps I can reduce the amount of lust I use to keep myself going.

I saw a beautiful sunrise this morning and started humming an upbeat tune, "It's been a long cold lonely winter; ... it feels like years since it's been clear; Here comes the sun, here comes the sun; and I say it's all right."

Thanks to Guard for long hours of holy work and for taking a personal interest when I wasn't sure I was cut out to be here. Thanks to everyone who read through long rambling posts and took the trouble to respond.

And to the Ribono Shel Olam: I don't know why you let me feel for so many years that Your laws seemed incompatible with my body, but I know it's only now that I can show such gratitude for Your bringing me right to Your door. Thanks.

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Rabbosai, every day lives are being turned around on GYE. As you may know, we are planning a major fund-raising trip in the coming weeks be"h, to help take our work to a new level. Please help us by sharing 1 or 2 names of wealthy Jews who may be warm to helping support our work. We will not tell them who sent us their name (we will simply say that "because of the nature of our work, the person doesn't want to be identified"). We will then send our proposal to them, and ask if they would be willing to meet with us on our trip. To save precious time, we will only be meeting with people who have read our proposal and want to meet with us.

To download our proposal, please click here.

If you are comfortable enough, please feel free to show it/send it yourself to anyone who may be warm to helping us grow, either by e-mail or by printing it out and mailing it. If you're not comfortable doing this, please share with us their names and we'll send it to them.

Thank you and Tizke Lemitzvos!

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Daily Dose of Dov

Dov is sober in SA for over 13 years. See his story here.

"It Will Pass"

Someone posts an S.O.S on the "I'm About to Fall!!" thread on the forum:

"I don't know what to do anymore. I have a huge headache, my scrotum is in pain. I feel like I will die if I don't give in!"

Dov replies:

If you want sympathy, I can't help you that much from so far away, but if you were here, I'd cry with you and give you a real hug. You are an amazing person.

If you want advice, I'd just accept that the pain you describe will actually pass completely. And if your body knows otherwise it'll make what needs to happen, happen on it's own, and with no help from you or lust. You just keep your eyes on the prize: your sanity and sobriety. Everything will get easier if you ride this one out with help.

One more thing: I don't waste my time trying to stay clean because it's ossur. Rachel and Leyah gave all the reasons for leaving their jerky-father's house before they added, "and that's what Hashem wants you to do, so let's go!".

So, why are you really here? Is it because something just woke up in you to suddenly start keeping halacha? Or was there something more that drove you to take the step of joining GYE? I am assuming you started to accept what your lust problem does to your life?

What does it do to your life?

In my case, I hit a point that it became clear that it was ruining my life and would destroy me if I just gave in... but I still had to give in! That's when I finally went to any lengths to really get the help I needed. I found SA and went to meetings, and I bared the entire truth about me to addicts in recovery. "Virtual" (back then it was phones) wasn't enough for me, by a long-shot. I needed real meetings with real people. It had to be as real as possible for me to get the most real results.

I was able to say: "Hashem, I give myself to You and please take my lust away from me now. Please don't help me "overcome" this - take it away from me, please. I want no awards, no s'char, no revenge on the Yetzer Hara nor anybody, and I'm not trying to 'prove' anything. I ask you to free me from this lust in order to be healthy and useful to your people. After all, I'm Yours! Thank you for helping me so much in the past!"

I follow this up with a calm gratitude list, while I lay on my bed and try to sleep.

Nu. Life is really weird sometimes....

And should the urge return 2 minutes later, I say the same prayer again. And again.

I can pray longer than lust can do it's job.

Hang in there, buddy!

With much love and admiration to you,

Dov

761.

Thursday ~ 8 Iyar, 5770 ~ April 22, 2010

In Today's Issue

12 Step Attitude: "Do I have to live my whole life in pain?"
Daily Dose of Dov: "It's what goes on in our minds that's the issue"

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12 Step Attitude

"Do I have to live my whole life in pain?"

"Yearning" wrote me the following e-mail:

"SA is going very well, we reviewed the 4th step tonight. But one thing is bothering me: Do I have to live in pain my whole life as an addict??"

I replied to "Yearning" as follows:

Please note what the Alcoholics wrote back in 1939 in the AA Big Book (p. 101) about how they felt after recovering through the 12 Steps:

"Assuming we are spiritually fit, we can do all sorts of things alcoholics are not supposed to do. People have said we must not go where liquor is served; we must not have it in our homes; we must shun friends who drink; we must avoid moving pictures which show drinking scenes; we must not go into bars; our friends must hide their bottles if we go to their houses; we mustn't think or be reminded about alcohol at all.

We meet these conditions every day. An alcoholic who cannot meet them, still has an alcoholic mind; there is something the matter with his spiritual status. His only chance for sobriety would be some place like the Greenland Ice Cap, and even there an Eskimo might turn up with a bottle of scotch and ruin everything! Ask any woman who has sent her husband to distant places on the theory he would escape the alcohol problem.

In our belief, any scheme of combating alcoholism which proposes to shield the sick man from temptation is doomed to failure. If the alcoholic tries to shield himself he may succeed for a time, but usually winds up with a bigger explosion than ever. We have tried these methods. These attempts to do the impossible have always failed."

"Yearning" replies:

"Wow. But I know that even old-timers in SA still try to avoid triggers, so I don't really understand the balance."

I replied to "Yearning":

That's actually a very good question. I would like to pass it on to our 12-Step experts, Duvid Chaim and Dov, to hear their take on this.

I wrote an e-mail to them as follows:

Dear Duvid Chaim & Dov,

Can we apply what it says in AA (above) to lust addiction? After all, the "first sip" for alcoholics is only with an actual drink, so it makes sense that they can be in the vicinity of alcohol and still stay sane - assuming they are "spiritually fit". However in the case of lust addiction, the first sip happens with "sight" alone. So can we be surrounded by triggers and still stay sane? For us, "seeing" is like "sipping" for an alkie... Can we also find the peace described (above) when surrounded by triggers?

Duvid Chaim replies:

This is an often asked question.

And the answer is found right in the first sentence, as you quoted... "Assuming we are spiritually fit".

Accordingly, a person in Recovery is a lot like a high performance sport car's fuel injected engine. It's performance is being constantly monitored by a sensitive on board computer system that monitors the fuel flow, firing of the spark plugs, timing, vibrations, etc.

And when anything is slightly off, it quickly makes an adjustment so it runs smoothly.

If things get unmanageable, the car goes back to the shop and stays off the streets!

So too, the addict in Recovery - must constantly monitor himself - in all three of the areas where our addiction lies: physical, mental and spiritual.

For example - Physical: If we are hungry, we get cranky - we want soothing... If we are around triggers... we act out.

Mental: If we are angry/resentful, we want to take back control... If we are around triggers... we act out.

Spiritual: If we are "blocked" from seeing G-d's presence in our life at each and every moment... We create our own Golden Calf - called SELF... If we are around triggers... we act out.

But if we are physically, mentally and spiritually fit - the triggers are like little pebbles on the road, and our sports car's highly tuned suspension system doesn't even feel them.

"Is that a hairpin twist and turn up ahead? - No Problem. I can handle that."

No matter how long the road-trip, thanks to my Ricarro calf leather seats, I step out of my car still relaxed and refreshed!

On the other hand, if my car is sluggish and out of alignment, I'd better stay off the "streets" - otherwise I might crash and burn.

I hope I didn't belabor the parable.

But from the very first day on our conference Call - and almost everyday till the end, I tell the Chevra that if I just helped them to BUILD THEIR AWARENESS OF THEIR PERCEPTIONS AND MOTIVES - it would be "Dayeinu" for me.

This constant "monitoring and checking in with ourselves" is what allows us to go out on the streets and run smoothly in spite of the many obstacles and triggers out there.

For Dov's insightful reply, see the "Daily Dose of Dov" below.

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Daily Dose of Dov

Dov is sober in SA for over 13 years. See his story here.

"It's what goes on in our minds that's the issue"

In response to the question discussed above, Dov writes:

We need to ask ourselves, "what are we really looking for, in recovery?" Do we want the ability to fantasize about schmutz whenever we want and yet still remain sober?

What I'm getting at is this: Of course there are different types of alkies. But for most alkies who have been sober for a few months, you are right that being around drinking people or near alcohol is not a true "trigger" for them.

While "sight", as you wrote above, is a trigger for us, I believe it's really not the whole story. This is important to me: It's not really looking, reading, etc. that are "sipping" (or slipping) - it's what goes on in our minds that's the issue. Lust is not exactly like alcohol, where it needs to be taken into the body to mess us up. A lust addict uses schmutz to get the lust woken up - it's about the desire and excitement. I (and every other addict I have ever met in SA) can get high on lust and crazy without taking any look at all. By the same token we can get good and drunk (really, not symbolically as in the "dry drunk" of AA) on last month's schmutz or sexual encounter. That cannot happen in AA or NA. They need their drug, while our drug is also in our mind. Now, to say that this means "I can look all I want, as long as "in my mind I'm not fantasizing!"... well, we have found that this attitude just doesn't work.

Again, the real question is "what do we want?"

The answer to the question of, "Am I condemned to a lifetime of pain as an addict?" depends on what the person's goals are. Is their goal to be able to control acting out - meaning: to be free enough of it's tyranny that they'll be able to lust their brains out with their wife or husband whenever they want to (what we call "being able to lust like a Gentleman/Lady), then I'd indeed suggest that this would condemn an addict to lifetime of pain. If you are an addict, you cannot successfully use your drug. Per AA experience, that's exactly what being an addict means. It's the first step. The goal in AA is not to be able to use and control alcohol, is it? So in SA, the issue is not sex, but lust. To clarify a bit more, I'll ask a question: If I stay away from triggers, then how does a married SA ever get involved with sex? Sex is surely a bigger trigger than seeing a jogger! No?

In my experience, the answer is that it is lust that is the issue, even in the trigger.

So the first sip doesn't necessarily happen with sight, or even with sex itself. A lustaholic in recovery can have sex without getting lost in lust, can be a doctor and work with female/male patients without losing their sobriety, can drive through the street and actually see joggers scantily clad (like an alkie in the bar in the piece from AA that you quoted above)... It all depends on whether they turn it over to Hashem and do what they need to do so that they don't take it in and use it. Lust is 'used' and is always about 'taking'.

I guess that there are some lustaholics who never get there, and cannot do some or any of these normal things. But I know very few people in SA like that. I believe that they are impaired by their desire not to let go of lust, at all. Perhaps they keep thinking they are addicted to sex itself, not to lust. Now that may be true, but I doubt it. Call me bold, stupid, or whatever. I have just met too many guys who are totally powerless over lust, and yet they stay sober and are still able to function in situations that newbies equate with acting out!

Recovery means getting back to what you lost - to what is natural and normal.... at least in some respects.

Finally, I'd say that worrying about my future as an addict is just plain silly. "Let Go and Let G-d" is something we all need to learn how to do, usually by hanging around with recovering addicts.

762.

Friday ~ 9 Iyar, 5770 ~ April 23, 2010
Erev Shabbos Acharei Mos - Kedoshim

In Today's Issue

Parsha Talk - Kedoshim: "Holy You!" - By Bardichev
Parsha Talk - Kedoshim: Two short Divrei Torah from "Yosef Hatzadik"
Testimonial of the Day: Focusing on Living Right
Daily Dose of Dov: Lust vs. Love (Don't miss if you're married!)

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Parsha Talk - Kedoshim

"Daber el kol adas bnei yisroel v'amarta aleihem kedoshim tiyhu ki Kadosh ani Hashem Elokeichem"

"Speak to the entire gathering of Bnei Yisroel and tell them to be holy, for I Hashem your G-d, am Holy."

HOLY YOU!

By "bardichev"

This week's parsha really addresses the issues we struggle with.
The Parsha begins with a commandment "Kedoshim Tiyu - you shall be holy"
Says the Chiddushai Harim:
"Kedoshim Tihiyu" is a promise:

You will be holy!

It's a gevaldiger chizuk.

And the seforim add:

How do we know that we can attain holiness?
And if we may add:

In the environment that we live in, HOW is it at all POSSIBLE to attain holiness?
The answer lies in the pasuk: "KI KADOSH ANI"
Hashem says, "I am holy, and I have enough kedusha to share in ANY situation..."

And listen to this:

Chazal say:

"Hamikadesh atzmo me-at,
Mikadshin oso harbeh"

"One who is Mekadesh himself a little,

they are mekadesh him a LOT"

As much as previous generations had less opportunities to sin,

that is how much holier we can be!
So let us be Mechazek ourselves and say:

"Wow, we have so many opportunities to be mekadaish
ourselves a little bit!"

May we all find our place in Torah and realize that HKB"H gave us the ONLY WAY that a person can live as a HUMAN.

Yes, we are Yidden.

We can do it!

KEDOSHIM TIHIYU!!

Good Shabbos!!

P.S. Say over this vort to someone you love

Bardichev

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Kedoshim Tiyhu - Be Holy!

By Yosef Hatzadik

Rashi: Kol makom she'ata motzei geder ervah, sham ata motzei kedusha. The Viener Rav Shlita explains: Every place that a person sets for himself a boundary & a fence before the ervah, That is where he will find kedusha. It is the small steps that a person takes to keep himself pure and holy that make Hashem proud.

Every time we perform a mitzva we say: asher kideshanu b'mitzvosav, who sanctified us with his mitzvos... Installing a filter on a computer, signing up with an accountability software bring upon the person a MUCH GREATER level of kedusha!!! Even before it restrains him from an aveira, the installation itself is an act of placing a "geder ervah", a fence for aveiros. This is where YOU WILL FIND KEDUSHA!!!!!!!

The greatest fence may quite likely be joining GuardYourEyes and using the many tools and fences they suggest (see the handbook)!!

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Kol adas Bnei Yisroel - The Entire Gathering of Israel

By Yosef Hatzadik

"Daber el kol adas bnei yisroel v'amarta aleihem kedoshim tiyhu - Speak to the entire gathering of bnei yisroel and tell them to be holy." _(19:2)

The Pasuk in Mishlei says: "Leta'aveh yevakesh nifrad", or as I recently heard, this can be paraphrased as L'nifrad yevakesh ta'aveh. Lust and aloneness are partners. Wherever there is one, there is the other. By banishing one of them, the other disappears too.

It is only when Bnei Yisroel gather that it is possible to command them to be holy. When we are alone in a room, the Yetzer Harah makes his way over to join us very quickly. [How many times were we 'saved' in the last minute by someone walking into the room?]

Another benefit from gathering is the strength that is in numbers. Here at GYE we all help each other, we are in it together! We do not attempt to go it alone!

So post on the Forum, get a friend who you can call when feeling weak, get an accountability partner who you stay in touch with, and join our conference calls throughout the week - to connect with others in this struggle!

(For more info on all these features, see our handbook and websites).

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Testimonial of the Day

Focusing on Living Right

Ahron, clean for over a year, wrote me today:

I just read yesterday's Chizuk e-mail and I can relate to every subtle point in both Duvid Chaim's and Dov's responses. They really "get it". Since I think I do too, I'm really part of this family - whether I go to SA meetings or not. I've become aware of the slightest spark in my internal lust sensor. That awareness is how I apply Duvid Chaim's lessons in "becoming aware of our perceptions and motivations". And Dov's points too, are right on target, as usual. We need nothing but our minds to act out. The ONLY solution is not to lose spiritual connectivity: Keep that car in shape. For me, it's working but it's slow going...

This morning I was thinking about "once an addict, always an addict". Although I believe it to be true in the sense that lust is poison and an addict cannot drink "a little" and "responsibly", I also think that ideally, at some point, an addict does not have to think about the addiction every day, even in the context of making sure not to drink. No matter what the angle is, the more you think about lust the worse off you are. Rather, the focus should be on living right - all day, every day. The more you do that, the more you reduce your sensitivity to lust.

I have to live right and gradually reduce my sensitivity to triggers. It takes a long time, but when I compare where I am today to where I was... I've made a lot of progress (to Hashem's credit, not mine).

I noticed too that my feelings about davening and learning have become genuine! I used to "miss" Minchah a lot. Of course it was "unavoidable" because I was in the middle of a meeting, etc, etc. And when I did go, it was a chore. However now, even if I don't have a lot of kavanah while davening, I am truly happy to go. I look forward to it. I did not set any goals, yet I found that I almost never miss it these days.

It's very slow going - but today I'm a happy man. The pain is not fully gone, but there you have it. Life's work goes on...

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Daily Dose of Dov

Dov is sober in SA for over 13 years. See his story here.

Lust vs. Love

This is a profound post from Dov. If you're married, I suggest printing it out and reading it slowly, at least twice.

Dov-In-Israel writes:

Let's assume a guy marries a VERY attractive wife - the top, model quality! How long will she remain attractive to him? (should we ask Tiger Woods?)

The Torah teaches us, that which a person lusts after, he comes to hate. (See the story of Amnon and Tamar).

Rabbi Arush in "The Garden of Peace" points out: Treat your wife like a queen, and she will become as beautiful as a queen to you.

Dov-Not-Yet-In-Israel replies:

Yow, I hear all of that!

My lust is simply about putting me and my inner experience of pleasure at the center of the relationship I have with my wife. (And at the center of everything else, ultimately.)

By definition, an inner experience of pleasure can't actually be shared. I can describe it to you, but we can't ever feel my feelings together. (Our personal experiences are always going to be a bit different, besides.)

Therefore, lust has no shaychus to true Connection, or to true Giving. It therefore has nothing to do with the real middah of Yesod, at all. (The Middah of Yesod - which represents sexuality, is all about "connection" and "giving"). Lust is about taking. It's like a virus that takes from it's "donor" and throws it a bone to keep the pipeline open.

So when I use lust in my marriage, r"l, I am saying to my wife:

"Once I am 'done', my dear overused and bewildered wife, you are useful only inasmuch as you may help me keep getting more of what I want. So, I'll work hard for that. But if you 'catch on' to my self-centeredness and immaturity, you are worse than irrelevant... So please ignore my behavior, or else it'll be so much harder for me to get that 'sholom bayis' (= cooperation from you) that I need so much! After all, how much manipulation can one man do? Give me a break."

If I see my wife this way, it won't be pretty. And that's exactly how I saw and treated my wife in one way or another for 11 years of marriage. I didn't make it appear that way - even to me - but that's what was going on inside, and she knew it. It's a miracle she could take it, at all.

Amnon was disgusted with Tamar - not just because she was his lust-object - but because she was not happy being a lust object. She had a vision for life of kedusha, and she couldn't have had that with him, her half-brother! She couldn't fulfill his needs - because lust needs bittul from the subject in order to work... hence Amnon's intense hatred. Bittul to me and you is where schmutz-women excel, of course! Real relationships are a quite different matter.

Love is about giving, and finds it's fulfillment through Yesod: Connection. But true Connection requires individual Freedom. Freedom to be myself - even to leave, if I wish (i.e. not to be dependant on the other). Addicts don't like that freedom very much. They become dependent and demand dependence so their lust can last.

When love fills my heart, I am saying to my wife:

"What can I, a free and valuable person with gifts, do for you? If you like what I can give, perhaps we can stay together and accomplish something useful! I like your gifts and they can help me to feel good and to be good. Just remember that I am here for you more than anyone else in this world, forever!"

Now, that's a marriage! And if I screw up sometimes, why hide it? From my life-partner?! Shtuyot! We support each other... It can be hard sometimes and there are bumps on the road, but that's the general idea.

When my wife loves me and I know it, she is pretty in my eyes by definition. Looks are not relevant when I feel true love and devotion coming from her. There is nothing more attractive to me than the eyes of the person who truly loves me: for who I am, and who wants to be connected to me more than anyone else in this world. And that connection is forever, not just in this world.

I believe that it's natural to react that way.

Why do you think Hashem's response (through the neviim) to our horrible backsliding was most often: "But I love you!, Ahavas Olam ahavtich. Yechezkel (and others) are packed with this cry from Hashem. He knows that once we actually know and accept that He looks at us with such a true love - truer than any other love ever - and that He wants us to be with Him forever, not just in this world... then nothing will stop us from running after Him as hard as we can, for that Connection.

I'm not denying the power of "Isha y'fas mar'eh" as a positive thing in a marriage relationship. But do you hear me? It's a subset of love, not a cause for love. And all the looks in the world are a far, far cry from love itself.

763.

Sunday ~ 11 Iyar, 5770 ~ April 25, 2010

In Today's Issue

Announcement 1: New cycle of Zeva's conference
Announcement 2: "Windows of the Soul" cycle starting
Tips from the Warriors: From "TrueRatzon" & Ovadia
Link of the Day: Da'as Torah on Current Events - MP3 Shiur
Daily Dose of Dov: My Emotions are My Problem

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Announcement 1

Real Clinical Therapy - almost for free!

Announcing a new cycle of Zeva's Phone Conference

Suri R., the devoted wife of Chaim R. for 20 years, is in a quandary. Chaim is a great husband and a very big Talmid Chochom. Their dining room table is constantly covered with Seforim and Torah writings. Their computer is full of Chiddushim and Parsha sheets.

However, today Suri came across a startling discovery. Not being very computer savvy, she tended to shy away from the computer. But today, by the request of her husband to print out an important document for him, she inadvertently opened the wrong folder. The contents of this folder shocked her beyond belief.

Thinking somehow this must have been some mistake or a virus; she opened some other folders at random. At this point, she had to acknowledge that there was a problem here.

Facing an addiction is hard. It's harder to do it alone. Being a Frum addict makes it even harder. Joining a support join should be the easy answer. But sometimes it's just not. Many issues can prevent one from joining such a group which can help them overcome their addictive behaviors and enhance their lives. Sometimes it's a question of geographical location or simply demographics. Sometimes it's finding just the right match.

In the words of Rabbi Dr. Abraham J Twerski M.D. founder of the Gateway Rehabilitation Center and Shaar Hatikvah rehabilitation center:

"Addicts cannot be treated by any mental health professional. Only a specialist in addiction can undertake the task of guiding the Internet addict to reform."

However, certified Frum addictions specialists who are sensitive to the religious and cultural sensitivities, are limited. Yet GYE has the answer for you, with our Tuesday night group, run by Zeva Citronenbaum L.C.S.W.R, C.S.A.T

That's where "A.C.O.A.C.H. Service Recovery Group" comes to play. In this special individualized group, participants can join from anywhere in the world (past participants have been from Boro Park, Flatbush, Williamsburg, Monsey, Monroe, Lakewood, Teaneck, Passaic, Toronto, Montreal, Mississippi, Georgia, Australia, and even Israel, amongst others) and share their struggles and successes without shame or fear, all while gaining the important skill-set to be able to move past their addictions. Using the group process, each participant gains the tools and skills to ease and enhance their journey towards their own personal recovery.

Separating emotions from logic and then reconnecting them, social skills and response processes, priorities and judgment concepts, integrated with the skills needed to focus on what works rather than "WHAT WE FEEL LIKE DOING AT THE TIME" gives the participants the ability to face the realities they were avoiding or trying to escape from. Learning to create chains to track onset and vulnerabilities of situations: such as feeling angry, lonely, tired, frustrated, hurt, shameful, upset, sad, overextended, frustrated... etc.

There are circles to promote and maintain abstinence, and indexes to track recovery progress, these are just some of the concepts taught to the group. The circles are a means to develop a Sobriety Definition and Plan. The circles include an Abstinence List, A Boundaries List and a Future Healthy Plan for your behaviors. The circles are developed by each individual as a means to reflect on, to look back to this as a working plan.

The group is led by a Frum licensed Clinical Social Worker, Zeva Citronenbaum L.C.S.W/R ,C.S.A.T, who is certified in addictions, teaches DBT-Mindful skills as well as practical skills which offers the support needed to help each individual succeed with their intended goals. Private individual follow-ups & fill-ins are available.

The group meets by teleconference every week for ten weeks, to both learn the skills, and gain support from one another. The group participants are kept strictly confidential and no personal information is ever released.

This group has been praised many times by various clinicians in many different specialties, and has the Haskamah of leading Gedolim.

For more information, please contact Zeva:

Zeva Citronenbaum
845-222-0580
Confidential Hotline
acoachservice@yahoo.com

For more info on this group, see here

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Announcement 2

"Windows of the Soul" cycle starting

Starting tomorrow be"h, from Shemiras Ainayim Chizuk Chizuk e-mail #401 and on, we will be quoting daily excerpts from the new book called "Windows of the Soul" by Rabbi Zvi Miller of the Salant Foundation. If you are not signed up to this e-mail list and would like to join the new cycle, please click "Update profile/address" at the bottom of this e-mail and select the second e-mail list".

This Shemiras Ainayim Chizuk List originally started back in December of 2008 with this book, but that was an older version, taken from a PDF pre-draft of the book before it came out. The newly released book is much more elaborate, and has been enhanced with great parables and real-life situations.

Just today, two people mentioned the book on our forum:

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Tips from the Warriors

"TrueRatzon" wrote:

I can sum up a few things that I have learned recently in this struggle:

1) A person should never despair and feel that his past aveiros will hinder his opportunity to come back to Hashem. Hashem wants every person to do teshuvah no matter how many times he's fallen in the past.

2) Carnal desires are 97% lust and 3% pleasure. Once the pleasure comes, it only lasts a very short time and then you feel empty and defeated when it's over. The key to success is to always have an awareness of the test and realize the emptiness of giving into the desire vs. the fulfillment of saying no!

3) Each time you are Holy, you are fulfilling a mitzvah that Hashem directly commanded each Jew to keep, i.e. be Kadosh (this past week's Parsha). This is a great motivating factor because the Creator of the entire universe wants me and you to be Kadosh!

4) It's so important to keep this fight a battle of the mind, and not the heart. We need to limit our exposure to things that get our hearts and emotions aroused. Because once it becomes a battle of the heart, it is much harder to win!

5) I am mature adult who can say 'no' to the child within me.

6) Our neshamos are a brightly burning flame. If we pour water on them - by seeing improper things, we can chas v'shalom lessen our flame.

7) Consistency is so important in life and in this battle. I truly believe that keeping something up every day can really help me go a long way.

8) Last night after Shabbos, I learned in day six of "Windows of the Soul" that it's important to stay motivated to learn Torah on a daily basis and set some time to focus on learning mussar to quell the yetzer harah.

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Ovadia wrote:

I am writing this on my way to work on a bus full of Pritzus. I have worked out various practical techniques to help me. One thing is to be prepared. I always take with me for my journey a variety of activities to occupy me. If possible a Sefer, but otherwise general reading that will keep me interested and focused. Another thing is my dignity. I try to be aware of my status as a frum Jew, and that to "gaze" at pritzus "pas nisht".

As I write, from the corner of my eye a certain sight is visible. Hashem! I really do not want to see it, but it is there. Is it possible to live a normal life in a way that I do not transgress Velo Sosuru? I think that Bli Neder I am going to try and work through the book "Windows to the Soul" and post my progress here on the forum.

Thank you everyone for "listening" and being supportive.

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Link of the Day

Daas Torah on Current Events

A Shiur From the Rosh Yeshiva, Rav Aharon Feldman Shlit"a

Download here a powerful Shmooze from the Rosh Yeshiva Rav Feldman (who is a warm supporter of our work at GYE - see his Haskama here). The entire talk is just over 24 minutes, but the key point (that Internet, movies, etc. can make us forget our entire purpose in life and can take away our entire Cheishek to Shteig in learning and Avodas Hashem) begins at about 13:25.

The entire Shmooze is highly recommended. The Rosh Yeshiva talks about current / contemporary events, such as the volcanic eruptions, which have disrupted air flight overseas; the huge upheaval in Polish government due to an air crash; September 11; and diseases such as AIDS. Although we would need a Navi or a Baal Ruach HaKodesh to tell us the reasons for these events, there is much that can be learned from a Pasuk in Yeshaya regarding Acharis HaYamim.

For just a one minute excerpt from the shiur which emphasizes the terrible damage that the internet and media is causing, click here.

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Daily Dose of Dov

Dov is sober in SA for over 13 years. See his story here.

My Emotions are My Problem

To someone full of anger at the addiction and the world, Dov writes:

If nothing else works, dear yid, and you ever decide to turn to the Steps for help, you may discover that under all your pain and rage, your real problem is your own resentment. Nobody else has the power to give you rage. My emotions are my own problem, and getting freedom requires me to let go of the right to hate the hell out of someone. Actually, out of anyone. I believe that very few people really want to "do bad" - we all do what has a payoff for us, whether it's really good for us or not. I acted out for 25 years (even though it was clearly screwing me up) because my heart told me it was in my very best interest to get that nice, warm, and loving feeling that porn gives me. You couldn't have convinced me otherwise at the time. The people we resent (evil jerks) are almost always people who have a very screwed-up sense of what is in their best interest.

They, of course, learned that somewhere... probably from their sick parents who carried around their own immense pain and resentment and just wouldn't let it go either.

So, I say keep reading this forum and see how out of control you are. You may then say, "Holy (cow)! I am ruled by character defects that I can't fight!" Then you might read the book, "Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions", by AA, on steps 4-7. If you work those steps your life will be changed drastically and probably forever. And your wife and children will be very grateful to you.

Maybe I am a fool... Correction: I am a fool. But I am a fool who loves you, and all addicts.

764.

Monday ~ 12 Iyar, 5770 ~ April 26, 2010

In Today's Issue

Personal Victory of the Day: Attack at 15 Months
Daily Dose of Dov: Doing what you need to do, today
Repeat Announcement: New cycle of Zeva's conference

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Personal Victory of the Day

Attack at 15 Months

By Yaakov Shwartz

Many of you in this site probably don't even know me. I am a GYE old timer, who has been sober for close to FIFTEEN months through GYE, and still going, B"H. My commitment to sanity and sobriety is strong. If you want to get to know me better, you can read my journal that I posted on google docs or you could read