751. |
Sunday ~ 27 Nissan,
5770 ~ April 11, 2010
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In Today's Issue
-
Attitude
Tip of the Day:
Addiction
& Recovery
-
Q & A of
the Day:
Why does
it get harder just as I start out?
-
Filter Tip of
the Day:
"Those who comes to be purified are helped"
-
Daily Dose
of Dov:
Sharing Pain Can Help Others -
And
Ourselves
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Attitude Tip of the Day
Recovery & Addiction
By Yosef
Addiction
My SA sponsor has been sober for 26 years.
He says that if
he could be cured of the addiction he probably
would decline the offer.
That's how much
of an opportunity for growth it has been to him.
He says that most of
the "old timers"
in SA and AA say the same thing:
It was G-d's
will. If G-d created me an addict then
so be it.
Recovery
Recovery is freedom from the bondage of self...
from the slavery of obsessive thoughts and
actions.
Recovery is being
able to finally do nice things for the soul and
let the body wait.
Recover is
discovering one's buried talents, interests and
purpose for living.
Recover is being
able to know what is right and what is not.
Recover is being
able to see oneself and others - as they really
are.
Recovery is being
excited about relationships, new and old.
Recovery is about
learning and being able to remember and use the
new learnings.
Recovery is the
ability to feel, enjoy and appreciate what I
have.
Recovery is a
recognition that there is Divine Justice and
that it is unquestionably a good thing.
Recovery is
honesty with self, others and above all G-d.
Recovery is the
progressive delight of recognizing how G-d is
running the world.
Recovery is the
pleasure of being less focused on "me".
Recovery is
surrendering the materialistic drive to possess,
control, and impress.
Recovery is the moral obligation to honor and
respect spiritual wisdom and right-living in
others.
Recovery is
simplicity, purity and quietly influencing
others to live spiritual lives.
Recovery is a
deep gratitude to G-d for another chance.
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Q & A of
the Day
Why does it get harder just as I start out?
Someone wrote on the forum how they had taken a
number of steps to try and stay clean, but after
just 2 days an unexpected test came up and he
fell. He asks:
I just can't understand why G-d would add on
this test after he sees I'm making the effort
and setting up fences?
Response:
Often Hashem sends us tests we can't resist precisely when
we are putting in effort and because we
are putting in effort. (Like when Moshe first
approached Pharaoh, he made the work even
harder!) Perhaps Hashem does this to help us
progress on our journey even faster, when our
fall helps us realize a few things:
1) The fences we
put up are not adequate. We need to reassess our
battle-plan and make even better and stronger
fences.
2) It makes us think, "do I really want
to change" or am I just "forcing
myself" by making lots of fences? (which
ultimately won't last).
3) It makes us
realize our powerlessness and become more
dependant on Hashem.
All three of
these recognitions are progress. So ignore the
fall, and take the "gift" of this new awareness
into your arsenal! :-)
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Filter Tip
of the Day
"Those who come to be purified are helped"
We got an e-mail a few days ago:
Hi, I'm almost 16.
Do you know of
any filters I can put on my mom's computer that
she won't know about?
The very next day someone sent us an e-mail:
I am using a great product called PC Pandora. It
works very good. It costs $70 for 2 licenses and
I found a coupon, so I paid only $54.38. I used
just one license and I'm ready to donate the
other license. It's a very broad and good
program.
Visit their site and you will see
www.pcpandora.com
It does everything:
- It filters
- It sends reports every 12 hours
- It sends keystrokes
- It runs in stealth mode (hidden in the
background) or open
- It captures pictures
We put the two of them in touch... What open
Siyatta
Dishmaya!
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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Daily Dose of Dov
Dov
is sober in SA for over 13 years. See his story
here.
Sharing Pain Can Help Others -
And Ourselves
Dov wrote to "Tried-123":
Don't give up, keep reaching out for help. Oh, and you
may find that you will get more recovery by reaching out
to help
others rather than by mainly helping yourself
cope. And one great way to help others is just by
sharing your real pain them, strange as it sounds. We're
addicts - we lead with our weaknesses!
"Tried-123" responds:
I always thought that people are very uncomfortable with
another person's pain...
You think it helps people
to hear someone else's real pain?
How would that work?
Dov answers:
Well, first of all, it only works for people who already
have pain of their own, like other addicts, for example.
And then, only when they are open to it, like, for
example, if they are throwing up their
tzoress all over
you. Or if they admit they have
tzoress but are
not willing to go any further and actually open
up about
it. Or for folks that are so ashamed of themselves, that
they think they just need a rock to climb under.
These types generally
feel quite relieved when they hear a real live mirror
talking to them, and they see that their lives are not
over - by a long shot. They often begin to undergo quite
a life change as a result, and they have only you to
thank, for sharing your
tzoress with them.
A bit nutty?
Maybe.
So?
One more thing, and this
goes for Torah as much as for recovery: I believe that
as long as I am sharing with other what I have actually
experienced by using it in my life, they can
benefit from it. On the other hand, "teaching" or
"saying over" great and true stuff, bounces off their
hearts and is relatively useless - except to cause more
guilt. Their brains get lifted while their bodies are
still in the garbage - and they know it. I have seen
this.
More true ideas and
inspiration is not what we really need.
We seem to need experience from
action - more real, personal Truth.
It's like talking about
our relationship with Hashem vs. saying your netilas
yodayim or shehakol like you are plainly and
simply talking
to Someone.
It's in the action,
not in the thinking about
action. Gevalt.
So, all your struggles
and pain will help someone
someday, for certain.
Your deep hashkafic
he'aros? - maybe they will, maybe they won't. |
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752. |
Monday ~ 28 Nissan,
5770 ~ April 12, 2010
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In Today's Issue
Important Announcement/Plea:
Please help us with 2 or 3 names!
Two Big Mazal Tov's:
To "Ovadia" & "Letakein" upon reaching 90 days!
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Please Help!
Rabbosai,
We sent out an e-mail before Pesach about an
upcoming fund-raising trip that we are planning
for the sake of expanding our work at GYE. I
would like to thank all those who responded, for
their warm replies. Unfortunately though, we
still have very few practical and serious
"meetings" scheduled yet as a result of that
e-mail.
So here's a recap in short:
Until now I have insisted on maintaining
absolute anonymity. However, due to the urgency
of the need, our proven success, and the
confidence in our ability to help tens of
thousands of Jews, I can no longer afford to sit
quietly by when so much more can be done.
We are at a turning point, and I truly hope that
this fund-raising trip will enable us to take
our work to a new level, b'Ezras Hashem.
After careful thought and consultation with
others, we developed a proposal (or plan) for
growth, which outlines what we would like to do
in the coming year/s, and how we can expand to
reach out and accommodate many more thousands of
Jews of all stripes. The plan includes a budget
that approximates what this would cost.
Please
download
a PDF file of our Plan over here
(Right-click and press "Save Target/Link As")
(If you have already seen our "Plan", it was
recently updated
to include more focus on the area of
"Prevention", which I believe is just as
important as "Treatment". Also, "Prevention" is
something that everyone can relate to -
and that no one would feel uncomfortable
supporting.)
We estimate that within a year - and with a
relatively modest budget, we will be able to
increase our reach tenfold, and that we
can, bs"d, in subsequent years, halt this
epidemic amongst the Jewish People.
As my trip will be short, I plan to only meet
with potential donors of 5K and up, and only
with people who have seen our "Proposal /
Plan" and would like to meet with me. I am
turning to you in the hope of getting a few
solid meetings of this nature.
I would be happy to give in-depth personal
presentations of our work, and outline exactly
what we need to do to grow, and how much it
would cost for the various areas we hope to
expand in.
If you could please try to help us with 2 or
3 names of people to whom we can send our
"Plan" to, it would be a great help - and a big
zechus for you! It may be helpful to search
carefully through your phone and e-mail
contacts, and try to think of who might be warm
to our work and may have the financial means to
be a supporter. Once you think of someone, the
best would be if you could call them personally
with a short intro about our work, send them
our plan, and then ask them if they would be
willing to meet with me in person. But if you
would prefer to stay anonymous, please just
share with us their contact info and we'll
take care of the rest.
With the Bracha of this past week's Parsha:
"Vi'hiskadashtem ve'hiyisem Kedoshim, Ki Kadosh
Ani Hashem",
Thank you so much,
Yaakov
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Two Big Mazal Tov's!
GYE is B"H helping so many people regain control
and stop living "double lives". Just
yesterday, two people on our forum reached 90
days clean.
One of them calls himself "Ovadia" and he wrote
the following on
the forum:
"I Have Come Home"
Thank you HaShem for bringing me to GYE, and
thank you Guard for being a true Shaliach.
Here are my thoughts at 90 days. As R' Twerski
put it in his
beautiful article on Pesach, when one is
freed spiritually, he is thankful for every
second of his freedom. GYE has made me realize
that the concept of Kedusha and being part of a
holy nation is not just an elusive idea for
"holy" people. It is within our grasp. And for
this I truly have to thank HaShem for having the
Zechus of having my part in His Plan.
What does liberation mean to me?
-
To go to work
without constantly worrying (and knowing) am
I going to act out today or will I be able
to control myself?
-
Leaving work without feeling relieved that I
made it through the day without acting out
or frustration/guilt because tit happened
yet again.
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That I can go to sleep after my wife without
diving for the ..... to act out.
-
I have
learned to focus and be happy with what I
have, not with what I don't.
-
That I can
focus positively on my Avodas HaShem without
feeling hypocritical and constant paradox.
Contrast:
Sometimes I think back to those grotesque images
which I have not seen for 90 days and I think,
could this really be what interests me?? What a
contrast between what I "gave up", and what I
received instead. The contrast is beyond words.
Appreciation:
I cannot express my appreciation enough to
everyone here at GYE for literally saving my
soul. I have received so much from you; so much
Insight and understanding. But most of all
support and guidance, and the feeling that in
the times of darkness there are some very dear
people out there who care. Thank you all so
much. And of course I look forward to the grand
GYE kumsits with all of you, with the Shor HaBor
and the Leviasan!
Privilege:It
has been the most amazing experience to have
contact with so many emotionally and spiritually
deep people/Neshomos. It has made me feel
emotionally alive. I have had the opportunity to
express my emotions and feelings without feeling
inhibited or childish. And I also feel
spiritually alive. A special type of Avodah
different to learning and davening, but what
gives more meaning and amplifies to all
Ruchniyos.
Yet I feel some disappointment. Here at GYE we
see that everyone has their own struggles. I
might be wrong but it seems that there are
different levels of addicts. I feel that my own
addiction was just a bad habit I could not get
out of and needed to be broken. What did it
take? Openness and frank confrontation with my
feelings and weaknesses; getting out of
isolation and realizing that there is an
effective way of breaking the habit. And more
than anything, a framework within which to do
this and the support which I received. And
that is the tragedy. Why did it have to take
so long to discover something so simple? I am
sure that there are so many low level addicts
out there like me, that don't need therapy or SA
groups, just a healthy perspective and attitude,
support and communication, realization that you
are not alone or the only one, and to be given
the opportunity to talk from their heart. Why
is the frum community continuing to deny this to
themselves?
The main lesson that I learned over the last few
months has been to appreciate and be happy with
what I have, and not be constantly looking at
what I do not. All the lust and fantasizing
comes from wanting just that little bit which is
out of your grasp. I learnt to stop "looking"
away from myself. Yes, guarding your eyes
begins in the eye of your mind. If something
does not interest you, then you do not lust for
it.
About a month into the journey, I would come to
Mincha Erev Shabbos, the end of a week of being
at my office and not acting out, and my heart
was bursting with joy. I remember saying Aleinu
and feeling how privileged I am to be part of
Klal Yisroel. Today I feel less of that original
excitement, but my main feeling is that
I have come home.
I was in a sewer unable to pull myself out. Now
I am back home after all the years. I feel -
relief, and also a big feeling of responsibility
- never again will I be able to feel and say
that something is beyond my control!
Finally, no words will suffice to thank R' Guard
enough for being HaShem's Shliach in saving my
soul. HaShem should give you the Koach to
continue in you holy work, and there is no doubt
that you will be in the front lines to greet
Mashiach Tzidkainu!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The second person to reach 90 days was a woman
who calls herself "Letakein". She became clean
through our site, found a wonderful Shidduch in
the meantime, got married, and yesterday she
wrote on the Women's Forum:
"Not Just
Clean"
90 days. I'm not really sure what the
appropriate thing to say or do right now is. I'm
sitting here on my couch with real tears rolling
down my cheeks; tears of truth, tears of
accomplishment, tears of pride, and tears of
immense gratitude to Hashem and to all my
"family" at GYE. A few short months ago I was
drowning in a sea of wave after wave of lust and
acting out. GYE pulled me up, threw me a life
jacket, and I grabbed at it desperately. I
thought you would just help me be clean and
abstinent. Instead, you helped me build true
relationships in a place where I could trust,
feel, talk, and hope. You helped me be content
with the life that I have and to see all the
good that Hashem has bestowed upon me. You
taught me to smile, to pray, to reach out to
others, and to hope to Hashem for help.
Thank you from the bottom of my heart. May we
all be zoche to see Geula in all of our personal
journeys and to see the ultimate Geula soon!
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753. |
Tuesday ~ 29
Nissan, 5770 ~ April 13, 2010
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In Today's Issue
-
Torah
Thought of the Day:
Failure is
Part & Parcel of Success
-
Attitude
Tip of the Day:
Walk Into
the Sea
-
Q & A of
the Day:
G-d's
Mouthpiece
-
Daily Dose
of Dov:
Like a Son Talks to His Father
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Torah Thought of the Day
Failure is Part & Parcel of Success
This morning I was reading some chizuk from Rav
Tzvi Meyer and he writes how the days of Seffira
are a time to make new Kabbalos... But often
people say to themselves, "what's the use of new
Kabbalos? I've been Mekabel this thing a
thousand times and never succeeded. Why should
this time be different?" Says Rav Tzvi Meyer, we
don't realize that every time we tried, we DID
succeed. Each time we tried, we shook the
heavens! And it is ONLY through failure again -
and again - and again - that a person can ever
succeed. As Chaza"l say, the Torah can only be
upheld by one who falls in it. "Seven times the
Tzadik falls and gets up" - not because he is a
Tzadik, but rather that is what
MAKES him into a Tzadik. There can be no
light without darkness.
"Vayehi Erev,
Vayehi Boker" - First night, then
morning... So to say that there's no use in
trying again because of past failures is
childish and silly. Because it is
DAVKA
BECAUSE we fell so many times before that
we will be able to succeed now. The previous
failures were PART and PARCEL of our ultimate
success!!
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Attitude
Tip of the Day
Walk
Into the Sea
By "Tried123"
It's all about the struggle my friends.
My life has had
so many times where I knew that everything was
hopeless. I knew that I was hopeless....
I saw absolutely
no way out... Nothing... I was totally totally
stuck.....
But here is the
thing:
No matter What,
Where, How or When,
there is always a tiny winy step available that
leads nowhere... but it's still a centimeter
further than where you are now...
I heard a great
Vort:
When Klal Yisrael
reached the Yam Suf, they panicked.... They were
running and just hit the Yam - a brick wall...
Moshe Prayed to
Hashem...
What did Hashem
answer?
Why are you
crying out to me? Enter the Yam and it will
split!
Why did Hashem
say "Why are you crying out to me?"
What did he
expect? That Moshe shouldn't Daven?
The answer is:
There was no
reason to Daven because if they wouldn't have
given up and instead would've continued into the
water until the water was getting into their
mouths... then the water would've split on it's
own, because they did their fullest....
The lesson is,
that even if you are stuck... Take whatever step
there still is to take, even if it leads
nowhere....
Why?
because the
Yeshua is davka in those steps.....
I've seen this
happen with my very own eyes in my own life...
Numerous
times....
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Q & A of
the Day
G-d's Mouthpiece
Someone asked on the forum:
Is there a scientific link between acting-out
and Shalom Bayis?
DovInIsrael responds:
I don't know about scientific, but I have found
that Rabbi Arush's book,
The Garden of Peace, is absolutely right
when he says that the wife is the spiritual
mirror of her husband.
I can come home
and be the nicest, most wonderful husband... and
even take out the trash, wash the dishes, fix
the broken light sockets, etc... but if I was
acting out or ogling other women that day,my
wife will usually start an argument with
something like
"why don't you do what you are supposed to be
doing?"
The voice of Hashem! All
she has to do is move her lips.
Think about this
and tell me if you notice it too: The way our
wives act toward us is the way we are acting
toward Hashem.
Ouch!
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Daily Dose of Dov
Dov
is sober in SA for over 13 years. See his story
here.
Like a Son Talks to His Father
I know a guy who got better just by saying
the words when
he really needed to. It went something like this:
"G-d, if You are listening, please take away my
lust/resentment/fear/(whatever) - because I have plenty
of it, and that is
the problem here - not this or that person, nor my
circumstances.... G-d, if You love me, then please help
me know that You love me.... G-d, help me actually have the
gratitude I can have to You. I don't want to work hard
on anything, I just want You to give all these things to
me with the smallest amount of work possible, by me."
Nu. What do you have to
lose? Do you think it's
chuzpadik to talk to Hashem this way?
If so, I propose to you
that he sees our hearts, not just our words. And
our hearts do just this all
the time! When
we are impatient, we are saying to Hashem: "Well? What's
taking You so long?!" When our stomachs hurt we tend to
get very upset about it - we don't accept it with love
(meaning full acceptance that it's Hashem's best plan
for us). Our rage is always a nasty way to say to Hashem
(in our feelings) something like: "What the h--l are You
doing?! Do You have any idea
how much this hurts!!".
Why else doe we ever get angry about anything?
Nu. That's what I think.
Maybe I'm totally off.
So, why keep lying to
Hashem if you are already saying
it to Him and he knows it?
Let it out, as a son talks to his father. If you feel
you can't do that yet, then you can at least ask Him to
help you out so that one day you willtalk to Him like a
son talks to a father.
Anyway, who says we need
the whole package, or nothing? Trying is surely worth something. |
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754. |
Wednesday ~ 30
Nissan, 5770 ~ April 14, 2010
Rosh Chodesh Iyar
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In Today's Issue
-
Attitude
Tip of the Day:
"How to do
a real fall"
-
Daily
Doses of Dov:
Three
Pearls
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Attitude Tip of the Day
"How to do a real fall"
Posted by "1dayatatime"
This post is for those who are thinking about
falling. It will explain how to do a full,
complete, genuine fall. Now make sure you read
all the directions before you have your fall.
Don't cut corners!
The first thing
to do, is to notify those in your life that are
going to be affected by your fall. If you have a
special someone in your life, such as a spouse
or fiancé, you must tell them before you fall
that you are going to do so. This will save time
after the fall and allow them to start feeling
bad sooner. It will also save all that silly
time wasted in the "cat and mouse" of uncovering
your fall. Now if you really want to go the
extra mile, you might punch them in the gut or
spit in their face, just to make sure they
understand where you are coming from. For those
of you with children though, you should not tell
them ahead of time. Kids much prefer to be
"surprised" when their world is shattered.
Besides, their crying and whining might kill the
buzz of your fall. It's a matter of setting
priorities, right? You must also be sure to tell
your friends. Traditionally, this isn't done
directly. Let them find out you are a schmuck
one by one surreptitiously. That will make the
agony drawn out for everyone. How much more fun
could that be? How and when your boss and
coworkers are informed is a matter of some
debate. Some think the loss of respect should
start as soon as possible. Others think it
should come as a bolt out of the blue. I won't
take a position but leave that for each to
decide for himself. However, sooner or later
your employer and colleagues must be allowed to
know. Otherwise you are selling your fall short.
Last, and certainly least, you must let the P-rn
providers know that you are in the market for
more poison. They would find out soon enough.
But just to make it obvious, you might put a
"sucker" button on or a "kick me" sign on your
backside.
Now that all the
notifications to your loved ones and
acquaintances are done, you must take care of
the fiscal matters. Go to the ATM and withdraw
all the money you can. Now burn it. I know you
might be thinking, "that's meshuga!" But your
fall will cost you plenty of money and you need
the practice of wasting the money. There is no
such thing as "free P-rn". Sooner or later P-rn
will cost you a ton of money. Sometimes the
costs aren't direct. Sometimes it takes the form
of divorce costs, alimony and child support,
therapy, etc. But falls will cost you money.
Those that have a problem with making a fire can
use the garbage disposal or a toilet as an
alternative method for the money destruction.
The important thing is that the money must be
totally wasted and destroyed. If the cash
withdrawal caused your checks to start bouncing
you earn "extra points." If your rent or
mortgage payment bounces you are really making a
statement!
Ok, the people
and fiscal aspects are set, next we need to
discuss the logistics. If you use your computer
as your P-rn delivery mechanism of choice, you
must prepare it. Secure a sledgehammer.
Immediately after your fall, take the
sledgehammer and destroy your computer. This is
to ensure that your computer becomes useless.
Often P-rn introduces computer viruses and other
junk to make it useless. But sometimes this
doesn't happen soon enough. That's where the
sledgehammer comes in as the backup. Speaking of
backups, do NOT make any backup of your computer
disks before destroying it. That will make the
loss of your files an added "bonus". If you
don't think you are physically strong enough to
destroy your computer with a sledgehammer,
pouring a can of soft drink or a cup of coffee
into the computer has been used as an
alternative method. If you use magazines or
printed materials instead of the computer, leave
them out in the open afterward for everyone to
see them. Don't hide them, you should be proud
of them. Extra points if you write your name on
them in big bold letters and indicate whose they
are "property of".
Last we should
take care of the physiological aspects. Get a
blunt object. If you used a sledgehammer to
destroy your computer, it is possible to use
that as the blunt object. Now right after your
fall whack yourself in the genitals. I
know that seems harsh and extreme. But it is
necessary to get the full effect. After all, P-rn
usage and falls should eventually lead to
erectile dysfunction.
The whack should be done to try to simulate
that. Right now some of you are shaking your
head saying to yourself, "I'm not doing that." I
understand your point of view. You might be
thinking, hurting others, wasting money and
destroying my computer you can handle, but you
are drawing the line at a shot to the gonads.
All I can say is if you really, really want to
have all that a fall entails, it has to be done.
By now, some of
you are wondering if you can "cut corners".
Perhaps have a fall without some of these
"benefits". Others have tried that, but until
you have done a full-on fall you haven't done a
complete one. That means you really have only
two choices. Either you keep practicing falls
until you get it done fully and completely, or
you stop falling. Others of you are now
reconsidering whether a fall is worth it at all.
I can't argue against that, because that's
actually right. So now the choice should be
clearer.
So what's it going to be: keep falling until you
get it all, or quit falling?
GYE - Helping people
hit bottom while still on top :-)
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Daily Doses of Dov
Dov
is sober in SA for over 13 years. See his story
here.
Don't Argue
Someone wrote on the forum:
It's been 12 days and I don't even have a desire to sin.
I just decided to stop
arguing with people, including my wife, my family, my
friends.
If someone disagrees, I
smile and stay silent. If I get criticized, I smile,
stay silent, and thank Hashem for the beautiful,
wonderful, instant Kappara (atonement). For if someone
insults you, and you don't respond, all of your sins are
forgiven.
Why? Because, you had
every right to defend yourself, but you chose to forgo
your rights. So too, Midah Kineged Midah, Hashem has
every right to punish you for your sins, but Hashem will
"follow your example" (kaveyachol) and forgo His rights.
Just get passed the need
to control everything, be happy always, and Hashem will
make miracles for you!
(For an amazing piece on how this is an atonement,
see here from Rav Avraham Galanti - as quoted in the
Beis Ahron of Karlin).
Dov responds:
I have no idea whether this will interest you, but you
may like to read a selection in the back of "Alcoholics
Anonymous" in the Member Stories", called "Dr.,
Alcoholic, Addict" (in the 4th edition it may be
renamed, "Dr., Heal Thyself!"), as it hits on this man's
experience with exactly how not arguing with people and
with G-d is an indispensable part of his ongoing
recovery. He even describes it as part of the recovery
itself.
Hatzlocha and thanks so
much for what you posted!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The
Only Thing That Matters
Where you are going is much more
important than where you are coming from.
You may be in some dismay about where you
are coming from right now, your track record, your lack
of this and of that... but if your reaching out for help
and trying, your direction is just fantastic!
It's so easy to sit back and criticize another for not doing
this or that, or not holding by whatever good thing....
But by the same token, it is also so natural and easy
for us to bitterly criticise ourselves for what we are
lacking! We are often quite damning of ourselves. Most
folks destroy themselves this way, and permanently.
So, I say
you are definitely one lucky guy. Staying on the upward
path is the only thing that matters. The only thing.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Give it to Him, Get it Back
B"H for recovery... I remember well how,
when lust was pretty much in charge of my life, my kids
were basically just another pain in the behind! I would
not have admitted that at the time, of course, but some
stuff drove me crazy and I wondered why... only to
discover my dirty secret in recovery years later.
In recovery I started to see them as Hashem's kids,
rather than mine. It made it easier to accept the
burden...
And within a short time, I found that I had naturally
accepted them as my own!
When we give our stuff away to Him, it seems that He
tends to give
it all back to us, and rather quickly! Then it's
finally really ours - and we act like it!
BTW, this is the Gemora's explanation the Pasuk "Hashamayim
Shamayim LaHashem, Ve'Ha'aretz Nasan Livnei Adam",
that before the bracha it belongs to Hashem, and after
the Bracha to us. |
|
|
755. |
Thursday ~ 1 Iyar,
5770 ~ April 15, 2010
Rosh Chodesh Iyar
|
|
In Today's Issue
-
Announcement:
The Newly
Updated GYE Handbook
-
Torah
Thought of the Day - Rosh Chodesh:
From
Darkness Back to Light
-
Testimonial of the Day:
"With all
your help, I know we'll make it"
-
Daily Dose
of Dov:
Being "Good" or Being with Hashem?
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Announcement
We are
happy to announce the release of the
newly updated "GuardYourEyes Handbook" -
containing 18 tools in progressive
order, to breaking free of lust
addiction.
Note:
The new version is dated April 15, 2010
- Rosh Chodesh Iyar 5770. If you
download it now and the handbook's first
page does not have that date on it, it
means that the old one is still in the
cache of your browser, and your computer
is assuming it's the same one, since it
has the same name. You will have to
clear the cache (or use a different
browser) in order for your system to
allow you to download the REAL new one
from the site.
The first edition was released about a
year ago, on Pesach Sheini. There were
some minor updates over the past year,
but this
edition is our first major
update, and it has been overhauled in a
number of ways:
1) Two Haskamos in the beginning
2) A number of testimonials from users about
the handbook
3) Many grammar and spelling errors were
fixed
4) A number of important additions were made
to the various chapters
5) Outdated info was updated to be current.
6) New GYE features that weren't available
last year were included.
The GYE handbook lays down the
cornerstone of all our work at
GuardYourEyes.
Before the handbook people would often
get "lost" when coming to our website,
not knowing what tips and techniques to
try. For example, someone with a low
level addiction wouldn't jump straight
into therapy or 12-Step groups, while
someone whose addiction was more
advanced wouldn't be helped by the
standard tips of "making fences",
putting in "filters" etc... For the
first time ever, this handbook details
all the techniques and tools dealing
with this addiction
in
progressive order. Now, anyone
can read it through and see what steps
they've tried already, and if those
steps haven't worked, they can continue
on through the handbook to the next
tools, as the suggestions become
progressively more "addiction-oriented".
We suggest printing out the handbook and
reading it through at least once. Then,
we suggest going back and reading it
again slowly on the computer, and this
time pressing on the many links that are
found in the different articles.
The GYE Handbook Daily E-mails
For those who don't have time to read
through the handbook - or if you simply
want to review a little bit each day, we
are restarting the "The GYE Handbook"
daily e-mail list next week be"h, which
will bring an excerpt from the handbook
each day.
For those who haven't signed up to this
list yet, you can update your profile to
include this new list. Click "Update
Profile/E-Mail Address" at the bottom of
this e-mail, and select the 3rd daily
e-mail option called "The GYE Handbook".
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Torah Thought of the Day: Rosh Chodesh
"From Darkness Back to Light"
Posted by "Eye.nonymous"
Yesterday I was on the verge of acting-out.
Everything was going wrong at once. I posted my
frustration on the forum and I decided to check
my E-mail one last time before shutting down.
And there was the Chizuk e-mail with the
article, "How to do a real fall".
I read it. I thought it was very funny. It was
great to put a humorous perspective on acting
out.
It made me feel how absurd it would be to act
out.
This morning during Hallel I stopped to think,
"Hey, what's the big deal about a new month?
What are we singing praises about?"
After a few moments, I came up with a couple of
answers.
1. The moon was just gone, and now it came back.
We celebrate the idea that even from total
darkness, we can come back into the light.
2. Renewal. Each month is a chance to start
over. Really, each day is a chance to start
over. "One day at a time," everyone knows means
don't think too much about the future. Looking
ahead at a seemingly overwhelming task can make
you give up hope. BUT ALSO, it means TODAY IS A
NEW DAY. You don't have to carry your baggage
and ill-feelings over from yesterday. You can
clear the emotional slate and have a fresh, calm
start.
3. Also, we can to Teshuva and have a fresh
start, all our sins forgiven. Lots of people
even daven special "Yom Kippur Katan" services
the day before Rosh Chodesh.
I'm starting to see, over and over again, that
after these really hard days, the Tomorrow can
turn out much different. Even better.
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Testimonial of the Day
"With all your help, I know we'll make it"
Posted by "StrugglingYid" today
Two days ago, after a night spent feeding my
sickness, I stumbled across an ad for this site
and suddenly my eyes began to open. There was
hope and a way to deal with this. I told myself
that Hashem sent me here for a reason, and that
reason is to get better. I realized that for me,
I would have to come clean with my wife. I could
not go on living a lie. I told myself, I have a
good relationship with my wife, telling her this
may hurt or destroy that relationship, but I
cannot live with this being a secret from her. I
need her love, help and support to get through
this. I thought to myself that "I am putting
this in your hands Hashem. I will tell her the
truth and you help my wife reach the right
decision as to how to respond to this, and I
accept your judgment." That morning I finally
confessed to my wife that I have this addiction.
To say the least, she was shocked! She was upset
as well. We spoke for a while and she began to
express her love, support, and belief in me. To
say the least, it was as if a huge load was
taken off my shoulders.
I realize that I may still fall again, but I am
committed to accepting that I have a problem and
I need to do what I can to fix it.
Every person that
is here is a tremendous chizuk to the next
person. Without seeing the forums, I do not know
if I would have found the strength to take these
first steps. Today will be my second day clean.
It is a baby step and I have a lot to learn, but
with all your help, I know we will make it.
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Daily Dose of Dov
Dov
is sober in SA for over 13 years. See his story
here.
Being "Good" or Being with Hashem?
Someone writes on the forum:
It has been almost 7 weeks now, & I just don't have any
more strength, desire or interest to stay clean. I just
want to give it all up. Can you please stop me? Please
reply only if you have something wise to say.
Dov replies:
Are you asking for something wise,
or something helpful?
This may not sound very
wise to you, but I'm not as stupid as I used to be, so
here goes:
You say "it has been 7 weeks now". May I ask, 7 weeks of what?
Of freedom from being a
slave to your lust?
Or seven weeks of being "good"?
If it's been a bit of
freedom, why wouldn't it be at least somewhat enjoyable?
Wherefore all the misery?
If it's the second (and
that's my guess) then I don't blame you at all for being
sick of it, but also have little sympathy. Been there,
done that.
Admitted, I do not know
you and whether or not your life is basically
being screwed up by the lust that you do not
successfully control, but here's my pitch:
For an addict, trying to avoid or overpower their drug
in order to "be good"- is just another silly recipe for
disaster. What gives us the idea that we can beat it now?
Usually, I maintained the struggle just to keep lust in
my life. Because when actually faced with the option to
give it up, I found myself absolutely terrified!
Besides, struggling with "evil" is exactly how we became as
screwed up as we are! An addict does not win, and the
struggle invariably becomes a
dance.
We are not supposed to dance with
arayos, are we? The way the AA's put it was this: "My
very best thinking
is what brought me here". Uh oh
So, if you make up your
own mind that you are tired of failing at being "good"
and are ready to give-up beating your head into a wall
and feeling sorry for yourself about the severe
headache, we may then have something to talk about. It
may even be wise.
For in my experience, Recovery is about Freedom and
being with Hashem, not about our own strength and our
own goodness. For an addict, that's just more
foolishness.
And that's where
the steps begin.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Saying of the Day
(From Dov Above)
"Recovery is about Freedom and being with Hashem, not
about our own strength and our own goodness." |
|
|
756. |
Friday ~ 2 Iyar,
5770 ~ April 16, 2010
|
|
In Today's Issue
-
Announcement Repeat:
The GYE
Handbook e-mails starting next week
-
Parsha
Talk - Tazriya Metzorah:
Four
Divrei Torah from our members
-
Daily Dose
of Dov:
The "Cake" is Self Honesty, Period.
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Announcement Repeat
We are happy to
announce the release of the newly updated
"GuardYourEyes Handbook" - containing 18 tools
in progressive order, to breaking free of lust
addiction.
The GYE Handbook Daily E-mails
For those who don't have time to read
through the handbook - or if you simply
want to review a little bit each day, we
are restarting the "The GYE Handbook"
daily e-mail list next week be"h, which
will bring an excerpt from the handbook
each day.
For those who haven't signed up to this
list yet, you can update your profile to
include this new list. Click "Update
Profile/E-Mail Address" at the bottom of
this e-mail, and select the 3rd daily
e-mail option called "The GYE Handbook".
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Parsha Talk: Tazriya - Metzorah
Super Natural
"And on the 8th day, he should circumcise his
Orlah"
"Commando" wrote to someone who was talking
about gradually cutting down, rather than
stopping cold-turkey:
Some people claim that masturbation is just a
natural desire, just like eating and sleeping. I
agree that it's very natural. But a natural
lifestyle would be NOT to be shomer bris at all.
The whole concept of the bris is to go beyond
natural and become part of the supernatural. The
bris on the 8th day symbolizes the number 8
which is beyond nature, as the Maharal explains.
So changing ourselves to keep the bris isn't
going to work if we treat this the same as
eating foods with less cholesterol. It will
require supernatural effort which by definition
will require the help of Hashem.
The problem with discussing cold turkey
vs. gradual slowdown is that in both
cases you're looking at the future
instead of the present. And you can't
predict your circumstances or feelings
in the future. How do you know you can
hold out another day/week/month/year?
Also, if you look at the future, that
can stress you out because you see the
tall mountain instead of the hair. Try
the "one day at a time" approach, then
the whole discussion becomes irrelevant.
On any given day we're either capable of
being shomer the bris or we're not. If
we're capable, that means we have
Hashem's help to succeed, and that help
will probably come in the form of the
ability to use the tools listed in the
GYE handbook. If we're truly incapable
and fall, hopefully we'll be considered
an oneis like Reb Tzadok Hakohen says
(see
my posting here).
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Who, me??
By bardichev
In this weeks Parsha, we find the dinim of
nega'im in all their details.
In the
process of the Tahara for a mitzorah, we
find that the person must bring two doves, a
piece of cedar wood and some 'ezov' grass.
We are all
familiar with the concept that the haughty
person who is
like a tall
cedar, must lower himself to be humble as
the 'Ezov' grass
Reb Henoch of
Alexander Ztl gives it a little twist and
says that the cedar and ezov also symbolize
how sometimes, the
falsely humble person MUST RAISE HIMSELF
LIKE A CEDAR!!
How
profound!!
In our
struggle, the Yetzer Hara's weapon is to
break a person and make him feel that his
actions are
meaningless.
So raise
yourself.
Pride
yourself that you are a prince and a
princess!
I would like
to add that that is why Shabbos has the
power to transform NEGA into ONEG (the same
letters).
All week we
are busy with our little pursuits, we don't
have the
time,
patience and clarity to see the big picture.
On Shabbos,
we break from the mundane. We can raise
ourselves and use
the very Nega
and turn it into Oneg. Physical pleasures
which normally pull us down, are uplifted on
Shabbos into a true Oneg!
So the next
time the Yetzer Hara comes knocking tell
him, "who, me??" Nah. You got the
wrong
address. I have too much pride to lower
my standards to you!!
Oyoyoy
Shabbos koidesh!
With all the
love in the world,
Bardichev
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Get Back Up & Smile!
By Yosef Hatzadik
"V'ish
ki seitzei mimeno shichvas zerah
veruochatz besoro bemayim v'tamei ad
ha'erev.(15:16)
-
And a man who has a seinal emission
should wash his flesh in water and he
will be impure until the evening (erev)."
After
someone falls, he must get out of the
depressed mode. As long as he is not
besimcha, he is guaranteed to fall into
the Yetzer Harah's net again.
As the
Pasuk says: Even after he will purify
himself from his emission, HE IS STILL
guaranteed to be TAMEI again UNTIL his
outlook becomes SWEET (Erev = Arev =
sweet).
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Finding the Treasures Inside Us
By Yosef Hatzadik
"V'nasati
negah tzora'as b'veis eretz achizaschem. (14:34) -
And I will place a Nega Tzara'as in a
house in the land of your inheritance."
Rashi says that this is good news,
because the Emori'im hid golden
treasures in the walls of their houses
prior to Bnei Yisroel's conquering Eretz
Yisroel, and through the demolition that
the negah the obligates the new owners
to, they find those treasures.
The
discomfort, difficulties, and suffering
that a person has to endure, may, at
times, be the key to his success. It may
be that only after going through his
predetermined portion of affliction that
can he find the buried treasure.
Furthermore, the residents of the home
may have been living there for many many
years completely oblivious to their
potential wealth. It is only after they
are actively engaged in eradicating the
tumah that they found on their wall,
that they merit finding the cache.
We, the
Holy members of the holy GYE Kehilla,
were going on our merry way down our
individual journeys through life. We
answered Rabbeinu Guard's call
to arms, rerouted our direction toward a
better goal, set ourselves some
way-points to periodically adjust our
bearings, and we now are headed for the
GOLD!!!
Through
the addiction, pain - and ERADICATING
THE TUMAH, we will find the treasures
that are buried deep inside ourselves!
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Daily Dose of Dov
Dov
is sober in SA for over 13 years. See his story
here.
The "Cake" is Self Honesty, Period.
Someone wrote on the forum:
"The spiritual approach is not for me. I just want
to get back control of my life"
Dov replies:
I must tell you that that the spiritual approach isn't
for me, either.
That's precisely why I
turn off some folks by posting my take on their struggle
for the sake of halachic goodness and spirituality as
"romanticizing" - and hence perpetuating -
their losing battle. (Of course, I only tell them that
after they clearly rant and rave about how they are
always losing, and whine about it themselves!)
It seems to me that all some folks want to hear is that
if they only tried harder to
be good, went to the mikva one more time
daily, or said just one more brocha
with adequate or better kavonoh, they'd finally deserve to
get the "key" to this thing, and be free. Anything else
- like considering that their problem is not a
religious one - sounds like apikorsus to them. And
indeed it is apikorsus
to their own
"torah", which mandates that even the insane be
successful. I feel that such a perspective, held with
tenacity while the house is in flames all around them,
is nothing short of apikorsus and believe it comes from
Pride rather than from true dedication to Hashem. They
have the wrong G-d, it seems.
I do not doubt their intent,
but for me, had G-d given me
the key on basis of being "good enough", that freedom
surely would have been quickly abused and twisted by me
as yet further license
to pervert myself. "More power" would have only
convinced me that I can "handle it", and therefore can
get away with using lust even more.
Do you understand what I mean so far?
To me, if there is
anything spiritual in the problem, it is ultimately my
Pride - a lie, that allowed me to keep serving my "g-d":
the power of Lust to pleasure myself. And if there is
anything spiritual about the answer, it is Humility -
i.e. the truth. Anything else in my personal spiritual
growth was my own choice - icing on the cake, as far as
recovery is concerned. The "cake" is self-honesty,
period.
And it had to almost kill
me to help me finally give up my self-reliance, start
going to meetings in unlikely places and with unlikely
persons, learn about how to stop serving
my own Self, and eventually grow into a man happy to
serve his true G-d, Hashem.
What approach works for
you? |
|
|
757. |
Sunday ~ 4 Iyar,
5770 ~ April 18, 2010
|
|
In Today's Issue
-
A Big
Mazal Tov:
To Noorah
on ONE YEAR CLEAN!
-
12-Step
Attitude: "If these guys can do
it..."
-
Quote of
the Day:
From
"Hoping4Change"
-
Daily Dose
of Dov:
The Real
Balm
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A Big Mazal
Tov to 'Noorah B'Amram' on
ONE YEAR
CLEAN!
One year for me.
I hesitated to post this for I
firmly believe that ONLY the Almighty in
His infinite kindness protected me every
day and every second of the day, and no
kudos are due to me nor are any bravos
in order - rather a seudas
hodah shall
I make.
The only reason I post this, is out of a
tremendous debt of gratitude- a debt
that can never ever be repaid - to
Rabeinu Guard and all the holy chevrah
on the forum, who intentionally and
unintentionally, knowingly and
unknowingly have brought me to this
point.
I pray that I do not fall prey to any
illusions or fantasies of security and
complacency , for I have been here
before and have spectacularly descended
to the deepest regions of HELL!!!
From the depths of my soul, I scream and
I cry, I BEG AND I PLEAD
.............PLEASE HASHEM ......MY
FATHER IN HEAVEN, YOU HAVE HELPED ME
UNTIL NOW... PLEASE DO NOT LET GO OF ME
FOREVER!
With the utmost of humility,
Noorah from the house of Amram
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
To
understand why he calls himself "Noorah
B'Amram" and to read his beautiful
story, see Chizuk e-mail #523 on
this page
from
when he reached his first 90 days clean.
May
Hashem bless him to continue to climb
upwards and continue helping and
inspiring so many others in the GYE
community.
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
12-Step Attitude
"If these guys can do it..."
"Rage" writes about his first
SA meetings:
There are moments when I feel that God is trying
to snap his fingers at me (perhaps
impatiently)... Like the day I went to my first
SA meeting. That morning I was like, "am I gonna
go? Am I not? How much of a flake will I be if I
go?" And as I was really struggling with whether
I'm too tough to go to SA, I was listening to my
favorite radio guy and he is one tough
sonovabitch, the last person you would think of
as flakey... And he had this guest on, a
celebrity chef who was telling over her life
story... and amazingly enough, she started
talking about her recovery through the 12 steps.
And she started talking about the serenity
prayer and the radio jock - Mr. toughie - says
"of course I know the serenity prayer. I
recovered from drugs and alcohol through the 12
steps and AA". And I was like "Woah, that was
pretty cool"...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Okay, so I went to my first SA meeting and I
learned some interesting things... Basically,
none of my fears were realized and I am looking
forward to tomorrow's meeting.
If nothing else I feel good that I am at least
taking some sort of action to address this
disease instead of just sitting back and letting
the disease eat away at me and kill me...
So I am a newbie
again... I got a token that commits me to come
back to meetings or something... Looks like a
poker chip and it has the serenity prayer etched
on it... Hashem, please help me get right cuz if
this fails I'm really screwed...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
So I went to meeting two today... so far so
good... Since I've been going I've had no slips
or falls, and none wanted and none needed... I
feel re-energized and revitalized and hoping
that this course of action can bring me back
some serenity....
I still don't
know how to work the 12 steps and I am hoping
the meetings may be a step into learning what to
do...But one instant reward is, that at the
meetings you meet people that have been through
so much worse situations than you and (1) you
become grateful for what you have and (2) you
see that, "hey, if these guys can do it, there's
no reason why you can't do it too".
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Quote of the Day
"Hoping4Change" writes:
I was able to "break free" during Pesach - thank
G-d. I installed a filter and made the
messages of Chizuk my homepage. I am forcing
myself to read ten Chizuk messages before going
on to check email, or what ever else I planned
to do online. It has helped very much.
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Daily Dose of Dov
Dov
is sober in SA for over 13 years. See his story
here.
The Real Balm
A teenage boy wrote on the forum:
"I am proud to say that with the help of Hashem I am
TWENTY DAYS CLEAN!!! But let me tell you, I am
definitely feeling the heat. My body is saying to
me, "GO VIEW PORN. IT FEELS GOOD. ESCAPE WITH ME
INTO THE LAND OF FAKE PLEASURE AND UNINHIBITED
FREEDOM". Of course I know that this pleasure is
only temporary and afterward I will feel absolutely
miserable and only so much more far away from "real
life". My problem is that never in my life have I
ever stood up to my
real problems and issues. I have always
covered them over with this balm of lust. I read
through both handbooks yesterday and I need to
implement more tools. Also, I am still having a
problem of getting my brain to understand that this
is not a fight. How do I explain to my logical mind
that I am powerless and that I must let G-d deal
with my problem and just do my thing?"
Dov replies:
Please remember to take it easy.
Years and years of
relative nuttiness can't change
a lot overnight, and certainly not by our (sorry)
puny efforts. But we do
change and grow more than we'd ever have imagined,
over time.
Hashem will really help you (a lot),
especially if you ask Him to (a lot).
Reading through the handbooks is
great, but look out. It's filled with so many
tools... perhaps picking one to
try today is a good strategy. Tomorrow you
can use it some more or take thought then to
picking and trying out a different one. Too much
planning just makes most folks crazy. Remember: If
the way you and I naturally go
about dealing with problems is so effective, how did
we end up in this mess to begin with!? We really
need an open mind here... so I'm just posting some
suggestions.
The other thing I'd like to share with you is that
there is something way more
important than cleaning up all our garbage and
letting go of all the lust balm we used to cover it
all up with. And that is learning
what our alternative is. And it's not a
matter of hashkofa at all - it's purely and only experience.
We need to start building the "alternative balm",
which is the "RealBalm":
a relationship with Hashem that really works.
It is built slowly, and on
His schedule.
Addicts like me start out by bringing Him right into
our temptations and giving up our temptations and
lust to Him to take care of, for us.
It is further built by calling on safe friends to
open up to, as you are in these posts (though a
phone call or text is better cuz of the real-time
aspect). And by using the tools and thanking Him for
your successes rather than taking the credit. If I
take the credit, I retake
the struggle along
with it! That's just the way it works, it seems. Our
relationship with Hashem is built further when we
are patient with
ourselves and forgiving to others.
All these things build up the
Alternative.
Water it and tend it - till one day, after a few
months or maybe even a year or so (everyone is
different), we get a temptation and discover that we
are truly motivated to quickly get
help - because
we cherish our relationship with our very own G-d,
and our own integrity! They become so
precious to us that we rush to protect them at all
costs!
Now, that's a
nice place to be.
But you must take it easy to get
there. As my mother used to tell me: "Crakow wasn't
built in a day, they say.";-)
|
|
|
758. |
Monday ~ 5 Iyar,
5770 ~ April 19, 2010
|
|
In Today's Issue
-
Parsha
Talk - Metzorah:
Wear a
Crown!
-
Joke of
the Day: Let Go & Let G-d
-
Battle
Communication:
Run away;
you won't lose anything!
-
Daily Dose
of Dov:
Recovery in Action - a Miracle
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Parsha Talk: Metzorah
Wear a Crown!
By "Yosef Hatzadik"
"V'hizhartem es Bnei Yisroel mitumasam v'lo
yamusu b'timasam. (15:31)
And you shall warn the Bnei Yisroel about their
impurities, that they should not die in their
impurities."
I heard from
Harav Naftalie Jeager Shlita, Rosh Yeshiva of
Yeshiva Sho'or Yoshuv: V'hizartem can
be derived from the root Nezer,
a crown, It is a glorious thing for Klal Yisroel
to separate themselves from all tumah. A Nazir separates
himself. He wears a Crown of "separation".
In our personal
struggles, we separate ourselves from our Yetzer
Horah. The crowns that we wear are symbolized by
those found on the
90 Day Chart &
the Wall of Honor.
We joined this
group when we reached the realization that
otherwise we will die from the
tumah -
a living death. Externally we would still be
walking & talking, but inside ourselves we would
be dead. V'lo
yamisu b'timasam!
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Joke of the
Day
Let Go & Let G-d
From
Jewlarious at aish.com
A man was walking in the mountains just enjoying
the scenery when he stepped too close to the
edge of the mountain and started to fall. In
desperation he reached out and grabbed a limb of
a gnarly old tree hanging onto the side of the
cliff.
Full of fear he assessed his situation. He was
about 100 feet down a shear cliff and about 900
feet from the floor of the canyon below. If he
should slip again he'd plummet to his death.
Full of fear, he cries out, "Help me!" But there
was no answer. Again and again he cried out but
to no avail. Finally he yelled, "Is anybody up
there?"
A deep voice replied, "Yes, I'm up here."
"Who is it?"
"It's the Lord"
"Can you help me?"
"Yes, I can help."
"Help me!"
"Let go."
Looking around the man became full of panic.
"What?!?!"
"Let go. I will catch you."
"Uh... Is there anybody else up there?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Besides for being a good joke, this holds a deep
lesson. "Let go and Let G-d" is the foundation
of recovery. When Hashem puts us in a desperate
situation, He is trying to get our attention (as
Rav Noach Weinberg from Aish used to say). He
wants to catch us and save us, He's just waiting
for us to let go and let Him.
Unfortunately, all to often we look for
"another" god/answer, rather than admit defeat
and give over our lives to Him.
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Battle Communication
Run away; you won't lose anything!
"Steve" writes:
When it comes to
Shemiras
Ainayim outside in the street, we have to
realize that EVEN WHEN WE LOOK, the pretty girl
is gone in a moment, AND WHAT DID WE GAIN?
NOTHING!!! Adarabah, what we LOST was
tremendous, cuz we wired our brain at that
moment, we conditioned ourselves to want to
look, to give into our
taivos
all the more. Next time will be
harder to avoid, not easier, and maybe a bigger
slip, or it might be the straw that breaks our
resolve for good, chas v'shalom!!
And remember something else, guys - you know
you've felt this: Even after you look, five
seconds later she's gone from view, you've
forgotten about her anyway, she means nothing to
you anymore. So instead of looking, you can
keep from looking until she's past
and it's no longer possible, and then you
realize YOU LOST NOTHING. BUT
YOU GAINED ETERNITY!!
Now, take it up a notch and apply the same
method to viewing porn & acting out. If the urge
comes, GET AWAY FROM THE SCREEN and the
opportunity to peak easily. RUN AWAY!! Get
involved in something else, get your head out of
it. Call a friend or a sponsor! AND SCREAM OUT
TO HASHEM RIGHT THEN - "SAVE ME!!" - You'll see
that after a few moments the urge should lessen,
if not disappear completely for the time being.
And then you'll realize, by NOT looking, by NOT
doing, you didn't really miss or lose
anything. Cuz then you see that it means
nothing to you anyway. And you'll realize WHAT
YOU GAINED!!
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Daily Dose of Dov
Dov
is sober in SA for over 13 years. See his story
here.
Recovery in Action - a Miracle.
Someone who is clean for 5 months wrote on the forum:
"I'M GOING NUTS!!! I wish all these nisyonos would
stop already.
I haven't had a decent income to speak of in at
least a year. I'm really getting worried.
My wife, under normal circumstances, spends half her
time bringing our children to different doctors
appointments.
Now she's in the hospital for hopefully no more than
another day or two, but worst-case-scenerio could be
six weeks.
I might as well add: I did teshuva and pretty much
lost the rest of my family--they all stayed behind.
Can barely relate to them anymore. It's been like
that since at least 15 years ago.
My learning hopes and aspirations have totally
fallen apart.
I don't want to hide these feelings. I don't want to
pretend like I made it to 90 days and, presto,
suddenly became a superhuman or angel or something.
I don't feel like acting out, but I feel totally
crushed. Paralyzed.
Right now my children just came home. They are
playing downstairs, and I am ignoring them upstairs
to write this. I've been running around like crazy
all morning taking care of different things. Pretty
soon I'll log out, go downstairs and make lunch, and
spend the rest of the day taking care of them."
Dov replies:
Apparently, nisyonos always do stop at some point,
but they will be replaced by other ones that may (or
may not) be easier in many respects... We just have to
grow, I guess.
We just need to all do the best we can under the
circumstances - and see the good in that. If I
don't, I'll end up acting out c"v, and that may
actually kill me. The things that I wish - no
matter how objectively "good" they are - just can't
be allowed to take front row any more emotionally...
that's recovery in action. A real miracle.
Otherwise, the next step
for me will be trying to "fix it all up" using my
magic (lust) toolbox... it has only one tool in it,
and it's a, ummm, errr... let's just call it
"fantasy".
As far as not being able to relate anymore to your
family (I assume by "family" you mean your parent(s)
and siblings) after becoming a baal Teshuvah, Youch,
that hurts. In recovery, I have discovered that I
can maintain my mental and spiritual distance from
these people while relating to them more and more.
Your serenity will fill you and protect you. Just
don't give it up for their sake
- or for anybody's! Looking down on others in any
way, does just that to me, and soon I start to slip.
You have come a very long way and Hashem is helping
you in spades. Please consider using this
pain. By working my 4th-9th steps from within the
pains of life I have found freedom and growth, and
lots of nechama in hard times. Countless others
have, as well. Keep up the good work. You are worth
it, and so are your wife and kiddies.
You may not be perfect at anything, may not be the
talmid chochom you wish, may not have the money for
the comfort and normalcy you want for your family
yet, and may not be as happy a person right now as
you wish you'd be, but at
the very least,
you are trying to be a
responsible person and a decent father and faithful
husband.
I believe that your kids will forgive you for all
the insufficiencies you have. Every child needs a
decent, loving father and every wife needs a decent,
loving husband - like you are. Not a great, wise,
nor wealthy one.
Gevalt! We all hope
that things get easier quickly for
you and yours!
|
|
|
759. |
Tuesday ~ 6 Iyar,
5770 ~ April 20, 2010
|
|
In Today's Issue
-
Battle
Communication:
Changing
from the
Inside
-
Daily Dose
of Dov:
The Failure of Self-Centeredness in Making
Life Work
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Battle Communication
Changing from
the Inside
"Me" posted to a newbie on the forum:
As I am approaching close to 2 years on this
forum, I would like to somehow save you much
time.
Can you do the
following?
1) Admit that you
are an addict to internet "P".
2) Do some soul
searching, and see that somewhere in your life
you are not feeling fulfilled. You have doubts
about yourself, your relationship with Hashem
etc. etc. You're hurting somewhere?
3) Know that as
long as you have access to internet you will
continue to view interent "P", and will not
change. A strong filter without having the
password is a MUST.
4) Understand
that it is point #2 above, (your discontentment
in life on some level, that will continue to
"need" the big "P" outlet as a means of
distraction.
5) Believe, and
understand that until you work on the root, i.e.
point #2, (to change the middos, that
bring on this discontentment that Hashem has
given to you personally, in order to get closer
to him, then your need for "P" will disappear.
6) The quickest
way to do this, is to join
one of the phone groups TODAY.
Even when you are experiencing those so called
"good" days, what you really are feeling is that
"things" have gone well for you today... And on
the "bad" days, you feel that things have not
gone well today. BUT, on a deeper level, let's
remove the days, and looks at
ourselves. The days change each and every
day, but we stay the same. We are the same
miserable person (on some level), whether it is
a good day or bad day. We cannot run and hide
from ourselves.
"The real you" will always surface on some
level, and not necessarily a conscious one.
So, we here on
this forum have all experienced waking up to a
"good" day, feeling positive, having had a good
night's sleep, etc, looking forward to the great
day ahead, and then a few hours later... BAM!
... WHAT HAPPENED?
The answer is, it
is not the day
that must change, but rather Hashem is urging us
to make the "real" change... deep down. By doing
this, on a deep level we will no longer have a
need for these things, nor an interest to go
back to the "P".
Duvid Chaim's group is just now starting
today the 12 step part of the
Big-Book and you can join. This is the part
where we addicts begin to change internally. Not
the days or the circumstances around us, but
ourselves.
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Daily Dose of Dov
Dov
is sober in SA for over 13 years. See his story
here.
This piece from Dov is
long, but very deep and beautiful. Definitely worth your
time!
The Failure of Self-Centeredness in Making Life Work
Dov replies to someone who claims the 'religious
approach' is not for him:
What got me into trouble with lust was not that I was
violating the halacha. It's also why I have been quoted
as saying: "I don't really care exactly which lav suicide
is - I'm not interested in it for other
reasons!". True, violating the halacha was horrifying
and devastating to me. But that didn't stop me from
getting worse. That's just a fact.
What eventually stopped
me was that I saw I
was really going to lose the life I
chose for
myself: a life that included having a conscience,
integrity, some kind of 'good'-ness (Torah, etc.), and
in which I'd be a part of
something -
like a marriage, community, and a family of my very own,
for example. Those were not religious choices,
per se. It was just me. The fact that any normal
religion includes all these things in it's description
of healthy living, is just a side-issue for me. I
chose them for myself. Perhaps yiddishkeit helped
create those desires within me, perhaps other things
did. I think it's irrelevant.
Now within me, there was
also a childish expectation that all people would adore
and revere me and therefore do my will. For example, my
wife would please me in every way whenever I wanted, my
kids would be cooperative, and any people I was beholden
to in the working world would give me the respect (and
the leeway when I deserved no respect) that I felt
I was entitled to. I also expected to become a Gadol
b'Torah - and recognized as such. Instead... well, it
was beginning to become clear that I was just a regular
guy among regular people. Unacceptable! If I wasn't
going to be recognized as a gadol b'Torah and tzaddik,
could I at least be recognized as a porn star? Sounds
really crazy... it is really
crazy... but that's where I was in my desires, for a
time. Life wasn't supposed to be like this.
When life was obviously
not happening the way I expected it to - mainly cuz
every real person
actually has their own will
- I needed some pretty powerful coping tools. The best
and most reliable one I could find was associated with a
part of my body that I could control using lust and gave
me tremendous pleasure. To hell with everyone else - I had
it made for
those moments! Problem solved, sort of....
OK. So then Lust - my
secret best friend and god - turned on me. And here is
where I guess the real G-d
finally begins to come into the picture. See, I was
accustomed to years of secret self-pleasuring and
self-saving via manipulation of others. My wife couldn't find
out about the things that (I rationalized) my
dissatisfaction with her was
making me do. It'd ruin it all, cuz she wouldn't
understand - though in my heart I
expected her to understand fully! Of course she had no
chance competing
against the schmutz already in my head - those women
appear to have no will of their own, no babies, no aging,
nor any real life either, of course! They'd always be mine!
Wow. Now that was
a 'higher power' I could really hang onto!
While I was busy keeping
my self comfortable
and managing everything around me to serve that holy
end, I was unconsciously building myself up as the
center of my universe... and things got screwier and
screwier in my life! To be honest, I was shocked about
this! After all, I was such a nice guy to everyone and
did real great favors for some people, seemed quite
selfless at times, learned quite a bit, and was very
religious - but it was still all
about the experience (even Torah/serving Hashem). It
was about "the feeling". The "d'veikus". I was
at the center of it all! Not G-d, nor His Will. Sorry
that I can't explain it any better.
Now, I could have gone on
that way forever, I guess. Perhaps many do. Maybe it's
really OK for them. It's not that it was wrong,
immoral, or whatever. But as it turned out,
Self-Preservation, as
I saw it, steamrolled all those nice considerations
- no
more! Here's how:
I was turning to my drug
in progressive ways, and lying like crazy to cover it
up. I knew I was not the man my wife, children,
co-workers or friends saw, at all. If you suggest that
it was all just religious guilt, I say no way. The
things I had to do were in no way compatible with a
faithful lifestyle as a husband and father. I'd never do
any of those things with real people I knew watching. I
discovered the hard way that porn, unbridled
self-pleasuring with lust and animal-like sexuality are
simply not compatible with any kind of normal life at
all.
Now if you propose that
it's all society's fault, I say maybe you could go off
to a place where they live that
way and see how it goes. Really. The communes of the
60's tried it; many societies tried it. The biggest
problem - and this is what "ruined it all" for me
- is that it's all based on self-centeredness. Wills
were eventually again at war... the "acceptance" and
"free love" of others that they tried to use as a
defense to the self-will problem eventually gave way.
There is no escape from that fact that every real person
has their own,
differing will. Disunity breeds strife, and there is
apparently no fascism for sex... I tried it. The petite
dictator himself! It turned out that you really do get
more with honey (giving) than you do with vinegar
(demanding), and no addict I know has real honey. Cash
is a poor honey substitute, if you know what I mean. We
all went through this failure process, in some small
way. That's what brings many people to recovery. Looking
for a life that works. And that is precisely why the
focus on G-d and
on people
other
than myself is the answer
to me and to so many other addicts of all kinds. It has
much less to do with religion, and more to do with the
abject failure of self-centeredness in making life work.
Without working the steps in my real life, there is no
ego deflation for me, just more quiet desperation. I
ain't goin back there,
ever.
If you want your life to
be yet another experiment in getting the self-centered
approach to work, I say: go for it. But if it has been
working pretty well till now, then why are you here? Why
are you displeased? Were you really happy before, and
came to Recovery just for more kicks? If your angst is
really about "staying clean" for the sake of "staying
clean", I have no answers for you. I tried that approach
and got nowhere but deeper into hell. |
|
|
760. |
Wednesday ~ 7 Iyar,
5770 ~ April 21, 2010
|
|
In Today's Issue
-
Announcement:
Updated
'Attitude Handbook'
-
Two Mazal
Tov's Today! To "Yosef
Hatzadik" and "Briut"
-
GYE is
changing lives:
Please Help us with names
-
Daily Dose
of Dov:
"It Will Pass"
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Announcement
Updated
'Attitude Handbook'
In light of the recent update to the
GYE Handbook, a member of our forum who
calls himself "Kedusha" decided to help with
updating the "Attitude Handbook" as well. He
spent many hours reviewing it twice, from
beginning to end, and in addition to correcting
grammar and spelling, he helped improved the
wording in quite a number of places.
Thank you 'Kedusha'!
So although there have been no substantive
changes, the new version contains a significant
number of corrections and revisions.
The updated
version is now available for downloading
here.
(Right Click and press "Save Link/Target
As")
Note:
The new version is dated April 21, 2010
- 7 Iyar 5770. If you download it now
and the handbook's first page does not
have that date on it, it means that the
old one is still in the cache of your
browser, and your computer is assuming
it's the same one, since it has the same
name. You will have to clear the cache
(or use a different browser) in order
for your system to allow you to download
the REAL new one from the site.
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Two Mazal Tov's Today!
1. A Big Mazal Tov to "Yosef Hatzadik"
upon reaching 90 days!
Yosef Hatzadik shared with me some of his story
yesterday, upon reaching 90 days clean:
Rabbi Binyamen Eisenberger Shlita demands that
even those that just come to his shul for some
shiurim must sign up to the Covenanteyes program
with him getting the reports - at his expense!
And he saw that I had a problem and confronted
me. Even with his warnings, I couldn't stop. He
pointed out to me that I am .... ....
.... yes, that word, "addicted". He sent me to
GYE..... & the rest is history!!!!
Before GYE, I had
a Yahoo account with all my 'passwords' saved...
I also had a DVD with over 900 images saved on
it. Since I started posting on the GYE forum, I
didn't go through them again, but I didn't have
the guts to get rid of them either. I was hoping
behind the scenes that this GYE thingy will pass
& I will still make use of them. After all, in
the past years I did 'Teshuvah' countless times.
Sometimes I even threw away DVDS that I bought
without even watching them. But I kept the Yahoo
account (talk about contradictions!)
After a few weeks
in GYE, & speaking to my Rav/(friend), I
gathered the courage to make the cut-off
complete. I deleted the Yahoo account & broke
the DVD into two. I saved the broken disk
because I wanted to burn it with the Chometz on
Erev Pesach.
The second &
third weeks of GYE and abstaining from looking
at shmutz were the hardest for me. I doubted
that I will be able to keep it up long term.
Afterwards, it seemed almost like the Yetzer
Harah forgot my address, Boruch Hashem. (I am
nervous that he is just lying low & preparing a
surprise attack. I hope to stay vigilant,
thereby eliminating the element of surprise!)
To give an
example of how far I've come, my wife wants to
go to the Catskills for the summer months this
year. She consulted with a Great Rav in
Yerushalayim and he didn't want to give an
answer without speaking to me first. He asked me
what will be with my "inyanei kedusha" for those
two months? (He knows all about my nisyonos
already). I told him that I am at day 82
(which is where I was holding on the day I spoke
to him),
and that I was not afraid of being home alone!
THANKS TO GYE!!!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
2. Mazal Tov to "Briut" upon reaching 100 days!
"Briut" posted the following today on the forum:
I think it's time
for a 100
DAY CELEBRATION!
100 days into this journey and I'm now seeing
that THIS IS NOT BEYOND ME. Cleaning up my act
is within my field of vision. Hashem hears my
prayers and is saying 'yes.'
Thank you, Father!
I feel as if I've crossed over some huge mental
divide, to a place where I see a different way
of going through my sex life, my love life and
even my parenting life. I'm not there yet, but I
now see the next round of work that'll make it
happen. I hope to keep working on the following
two areas:
1) "Shmiras einayim": Very tricky. I'm seeing
how much I've enjoyed the 'buzz' from someone
good-looking, and even filing the image away for
a more private moment. I've got to find a
replacement buzz to succeed in this area for the
long term.
2) "More Love, Less Lust": In the past, I've
approached intimate relationships with some
"mutual objectification by consent" (i.e., pure
lust) rather than true love. If I can focus on
increasing the amount of love I give others,
perhaps I can reduce the amount of lust I use to
keep myself going.
I saw a beautiful sunrise this morning and
started humming an upbeat tune, "It's been a
long cold lonely winter; ... it feels like years
since it's been clear; Here comes the sun, here
comes the sun; and I say it's all right."
Thanks to Guard for long hours of holy work and
for taking a personal interest when I wasn't
sure I was cut out to be here. Thanks to
everyone who read through long rambling posts
and took the trouble to respond.
And to the Ribono Shel Olam: I don't know why
you let me feel for so many years that Your laws
seemed incompatible with my body, but I know
it's only now that I can show such gratitude for
Your bringing me right to Your door. Thanks.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Rabbosai, every day lives are being
turned around on GYE. As you may know,
we are planning a major fund-raising
trip in the coming weeks be"h, to help
take our work to a new level. Please
help us by sharing 1 or 2 names of
wealthy Jews who may be warm to helping
support our work. We will not tell them
who sent us their name (we will simply
say that "because of the nature of our
work, the person doesn't want to be
identified"). We will then send our
proposal to them, and ask if they would
be willing to meet with us on our trip.
To save precious time, we will only be
meeting with people who have read our
proposal and want to meet with us.
If you
are comfortable enough, please feel free
to show it/send it
yourself
to anyone who may be warm to helping us
grow, either by e-mail or by printing it
out and mailing it. If you're not
comfortable doing this, please share
with us their names and
we'll
send it to them.
Thank you and Tizke Lemitzvos!
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Daily Dose of Dov
Dov
is sober in SA for over 13 years. See his story
here.
"It Will Pass"
Someone posts an S.O.S on the "I'm
About to Fall!!" thread on the forum:
"I don't know what to do anymore. I
have a huge headache, my scrotum is in pain. I feel
like I will die if I don't give in!"
Dov
replies:
If you want sympathy, I can't help you that much from so
far away, but if you were here,
I'd cry with you and give you a real hug. You are an
amazing person.
If you want advice, I'd just accept that the pain you
describe will actually pass completely. And if your body
knows otherwise it'll make what needs to happen, happen
on it's own, and with no help from you or lust. You just
keep your eyes on the prize: your sanity and sobriety.
Everything will get easier if you ride this one out with
help.
One more thing: I don't
waste my time trying to stay clean because it's ossur.
Rachel and Leyah gave all the reasons for leaving their
jerky-father's house before they
added, "and that's what Hashem wants you to do, so let's
go!".
So, why are you really here? Is it because something
just woke up in you to suddenly start keeping halacha?
Or was there something more that drove you to take the
step of joining GYE? I am assuming you started to accept
what your lust problem does to your
life?
What does it
do to your life?
In my case, I hit a point
that it became clear that it was ruining my life and
would destroy me if I just gave in... but I
still had to give in! That's when I finally went to
any lengths to really get the help I needed. I
found SA and went to meetings, and I bared the entire
truth about me to addicts in recovery. "Virtual" (back
then it was phones) wasn't enough for me, by a
long-shot. I needed real meetings with real people. It
had to be as real as possible for me to get the most
real results.
I was able to say:
"Hashem, I give myself to You and please take my lust
away from me now. Please don't help me "overcome"
this - take
it away from me, please. I want no awards, no s'char, no
revenge on the Yetzer Hara nor anybody, and I'm not
trying to 'prove' anything. I ask you to free me from
this lust in order to be healthy and useful to your
people. After all, I'm Yours! Thank you for helping me
so much in the past!"
I follow this up with a calm gratitude list, while I lay
on my bed and try to sleep.
Nu. Life is really weird sometimes....
And should the urge
return 2 minutes later, I say the same prayer again. And
again.
I can pray longer than lust can do it's job.
Hang in there, buddy!
With much love and
admiration to you,
Dov |
|
|
761. |
Thursday ~ 8 Iyar,
5770 ~ April 22, 2010
|
|
In Today's Issue
-
12 Step
Attitude:
"Do I have to
live my whole life in pain?"
-
Daily Dose
of Dov:
"It's what goes on in our minds that's the
issue"
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
12 Step Attitude
"Do I have to live my whole life in pain?"
"Yearning"
wrote me the following e-mail:
"SA is going very well, we reviewed the 4th step
tonight. But
one thing is bothering me:
Do I have to live in pain my whole life as an
addict??"
I replied to "Yearning" as follows:
Please note what the Alcoholics wrote back in
1939 in
the AA Big Book (p. 101) about how they felt
after recovering through the 12 Steps:
"Assuming we are spiritually fit, we can do all
sorts of things alcoholics are not supposed to
do. People have said we must not go where liquor
is served; we must not have it in our homes; we
must shun friends who drink; we must avoid
moving pictures which show drinking scenes; we
must not go into bars; our friends must hide
their bottles if we go to their houses; we
mustn't think or be reminded about alcohol at
all.
We meet these conditions every day. An alcoholic
who cannot meet them, still has an alcoholic
mind; there is something the matter with his
spiritual status. His only chance for sobriety
would be some place like the Greenland Ice Cap,
and even there an Eskimo might turn up with a
bottle of scotch and ruin everything! Ask any
woman who has sent her husband to distant places
on the theory he would escape the alcohol
problem.
In our belief, any scheme of combating
alcoholism which proposes to shield the sick man
from temptation is doomed to failure. If the
alcoholic tries to shield himself he may succeed
for a time, but usually winds up with a bigger
explosion than ever. We have tried these
methods. These attempts to do the impossible
have always failed."
"Yearning" replies:
"Wow. But I know that even old-timers in SA
still try to avoid triggers, so I don't really
understand the balance."
I replied to "Yearning":
That's actually a very good question. I would
like to pass it on to our 12-Step experts, Duvid
Chaim and Dov, to hear their take on this.
I wrote an e-mail to them as follows:
Dear Duvid Chaim & Dov,
Can we apply what it says in AA (above) to lust
addiction? After all, the "first sip" for
alcoholics is only with an actual drink, so it
makes sense that they can be in the vicinity of
alcohol and still stay sane - assuming they are
"spiritually fit". However in the case of lust
addiction, the first sip happens with "sight"
alone. So can we be surrounded by triggers and
still stay sane? For us, "seeing" is like
"sipping" for an alkie... Can we also find the
peace described (above) when surrounded by
triggers?
Duvid Chaim replies:
This is an often asked question.
And the answer is found right in the first
sentence, as you quoted...
"Assuming we are spiritually fit".
Accordingly, a person in Recovery is a lot like
a high performance sport car's fuel injected
engine. It's performance is being constantly
monitored by a sensitive on board computer
system that monitors the fuel flow, firing of
the spark plugs, timing, vibrations, etc.
And when anything is slightly off, it quickly
makes an adjustment so it runs smoothly.
If things get unmanageable, the car goes back to
the shop and stays off the streets!
So too, the addict in Recovery - must constantly
monitor himself - in all three of the areas
where our addiction lies: physical, mental and
spiritual.
For example - Physical: If we are hungry,
we get cranky - we want soothing... If we are
around triggers... we act out.
Mental:
If we are angry/resentful, we want to take back
control... If we are around triggers... we act
out.
Spiritual:
If we are "blocked" from seeing G-d's presence
in our life at each and every moment... We
create our own Golden Calf - called SELF... If
we are around triggers... we act out.
But if we are physically, mentally and
spiritually fit - the triggers are like little
pebbles on the road, and our sports car's highly
tuned suspension system doesn't even feel them.
"Is that a hairpin twist and turn up ahead? - No
Problem. I can handle that."
No matter how long the road-trip, thanks to my
Ricarro calf leather seats, I step out of my car
still relaxed and refreshed!
On the other hand, if my car is sluggish and out
of alignment, I'd better stay off the "streets"
- otherwise I might crash and burn.
I hope I didn't belabor the parable.
But from the very first day on our conference
Call - and almost everyday till the end, I tell
the Chevra that if I just helped them to BUILD
THEIR AWARENESS OF THEIR PERCEPTIONS AND MOTIVES
- it would be "Dayeinu" for me.
This constant "monitoring and checking in with
ourselves" is what allows us to go out on the
streets and run smoothly in spite of the many
obstacles and triggers out there.
For Dov's insightful reply, see the "Daily Dose
of Dov" below.
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Daily Dose of Dov
Dov
is sober in SA for over 13 years. See his story
here.
"It's what goes on in our minds that's the issue"
In response to the question discussed above, Dov writes:
We
need to ask ourselves, "what are we really looking for,
in recovery?" Do we want the ability to fantasize about schmutz
whenever we want and yet still
remain sober?
What
I'm getting at is this: Of course there are different
types of alkies. But for most alkies who have been sober
for a few months, you are right that being around
drinking people or near alcohol is not a true "trigger"
for them.
While "sight", as you wrote above, is a
trigger for us, I believe it's really not the whole
story. This is important to me: It's not really looking,
reading, etc. that are "sipping" (or slipping) - it's what
goes on in our minds that's the issue.
Lust is not exactly like alcohol, where it needs to be
taken into the body to mess us up. A lust addict uses
schmutz to get the lust woken up - it's about the
desire and excitement. I (and every other addict I have
ever met in SA) can get high on lust and crazy without
taking any look at all. By the same token we
can get good and drunk (really,
not symbolically as in the "dry drunk" of AA) on last
month's schmutz or sexual encounter.
That cannot happen in AA or NA. They need their drug,
while our drug is also in
our mind. Now, to say that this means "I can
look all I want, as long as "in my mind
I'm not fantasizing!"... well, we have found that this
attitude just doesn't work.
Again, the real question is "what do we want?"
The
answer to the question of, "Am I condemned to a
lifetime of pain as an addict?" depends on what the
person's goals are. Is their goal to be able to control
acting out - meaning: to be free enough of it's tyranny
that they'll be able to lust their brains out with their
wife or husband whenever they want to (what we call
"being able to lust like a Gentleman/Lady), then I'd
indeed suggest that this would condemn
an addict to lifetime of pain. If you are an addict, you
cannot successfully use your drug. Per AA experience,
that's exactly what being an addict means. It's the
first step. The goal in AA is not to be able to use and
control alcohol, is it? So in SA, the issue is not sex,
but lust. To
clarify a bit more, I'll ask a question: If I stay away
from triggers, then how does a married SA ever get
involved with sex? Sex is surely a bigger trigger than
seeing a jogger! No?
In
my experience, the answer is that it is lust that
is the issue, even
in the trigger.
So
the first sip doesn't necessarily
happen with sight, or even with sex itself. A lustaholic
in recovery can have
sex without getting lost in lust, can be
a doctor and work with female/male patients without
losing their sobriety, can drive
through the street and actually see joggers scantily
clad (like an alkie in the bar in the piece from AA that
you quoted above)... It all depends on whether they turn
it over to Hashem and do what they need to do so that
they don't
take it in and use it. Lust is
'used' and is always about 'taking'.
I
guess that there are some lustaholics who never get
there, and cannot do some or any of these normal things.
But I know very few people in SA like that. I believe
that they are impaired by their desire not to let go of
lust, at all. Perhaps they keep thinking they are
addicted to sex itself, not to lust. Now that may be
true, but I doubt it. Call me bold, stupid, or whatever.
I have just met too many guys who are totally powerless
over lust, and yet they stay sober and are still able to
function in situations that newbies equate with acting
out!
Recovery means getting back to what you lost - to what
is natural and normal.... at least in some respects.
Finally, I'd say that worrying about my future as an
addict is just plain silly. "Let Go and Let G-d" is
something we all need to learn how to do, usually by
hanging around with recovering addicts. |
|
|
762. |
Friday ~ 9 Iyar,
5770 ~ April 23, 2010
Erev Shabbos Acharei Mos - Kedoshim
|
|
In Today's Issue
-
Parsha
Talk - Kedoshim:
"Holy
You!" - By Bardichev
-
Parsha
Talk - Kedoshim:
Two short
Divrei Torah from "Yosef Hatzadik"
-
Testimonial of the Day: Focusing on
Living Right
-
Daily Dose
of Dov:
Lust vs. Love (Don't
miss if you're married!)
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Parsha Talk - Kedoshim
"Daber el kol adas bnei yisroel v'amarta aleihem
kedoshim tiyhu ki Kadosh ani Hashem
Elokeichem"
"Speak to the entire gathering of Bnei Yisroel
and tell them to be holy, for I Hashem
your G-d, am Holy."
HOLY YOU!
By "bardichev"
This week's
parsha really addresses the issues we struggle
with.
The Parsha begins
with a commandment "Kedoshim
Tiyu
-
you shall be holy"
Says the
Chiddushai Harim:
"Kedoshim
Tihiyu"
is a promise:
You will be holy!
It's a gevaldiger chizuk.
And the seforim
add:
How do we know
that we can
attain holiness?
And if we
may add:
In the environment that we live in, HOW is it
at all POSSIBLE to
attain holiness?
The answer lies
in the pasuk: "KI
KADOSH ANI"
Hashem says, "I
am holy, and I have enough kedusha to
share in ANY situation..."
And listen to this:
Chazal say:
"Hamikadesh
atzmo me-at,
Mikadshin oso
harbeh"
"One
who is Mekadesh himself
a little,
they are mekadesh him
a LOT"
As much as previous generations had less
opportunities to sin,
that is how much holier
we can
be!
So let us be
Mechazek ourselves and say:
"Wow,
we have so many opportunities to be mekadaish
ourselves a
little bit!"
May we all find our place in Torah and realize
that HKB"H gave us the ONLY WAY that a person
can live
as
a HUMAN.
Yes, we are Yidden.
We can do it!
KEDOSHIM TIHIYU!!
Good Shabbos!!
P.S. Say over
this vort to someone you love
Bardichev
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Kedoshim Tiyhu
-
Be Holy!
By Yosef Hatzadik
Rashi: Kol
makom she'ata motzei geder ervah, sham ata
motzei kedusha.
The Viener Rav Shlita explains: Every place that
a person sets for himself a boundary & a fence
before the ervah, That is where he will find
kedusha. It is the small steps that a person
takes to keep himself pure and holy that make
Hashem proud.
Every time we
perform a mitzva we say: asher
kideshanu b'mitzvosav, who
sanctified us with his mitzvos... Installing
a filter on a computer, signing up with an
accountability software bring upon the person a
MUCH GREATER level of kedusha!!! Even before it
restrains him from an aveira, the installation
itself is an act of placing a "geder ervah", a
fence for aveiros. This is where YOU WILL FIND
KEDUSHA!!!!!!!
The greatest
fence may quite likely be joining GuardYourEyes
and using the many tools and fences they suggest
(see
the handbook)!!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Kol adas Bnei Yisroel - The Entire Gathering of
Israel
By Yosef Hatzadik
"Daber el kol adas bnei yisroel
v'amarta aleihem kedoshim tiyhu
-
Speak to the entire gathering of bnei yisroel
and tell them to be holy." (19:2)
The Pasuk in Mishlei says: "Leta'aveh
yevakesh nifrad", or as I recently heard,
this can be paraphrased as L'nifrad
yevakesh ta'aveh. Lust and aloneness are
partners. Wherever there is one, there is the
other. By banishing one of them, the other
disappears too.
It is only when
Bnei Yisroel gather that it is possible
to command them to be holy. When we are alone in
a room, the Yetzer Harah makes his way over to
join us very quickly. [How
many times were we 'saved' in the last minute by
someone walking into the room?]
Another benefit
from gathering is the strength that is in
numbers. Here at GYE we
all help each other, we
are in it together! We do not attempt to go it
alone!
So post on the Forum, get a friend who you can
call when feeling weak, get an accountability
partner who you stay in touch with, and join our
conference calls throughout the week - to
connect with others in this struggle!
(For more info on all these features, see
our handbook and websites).
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Testimonial of the Day
Focusing on Living Right
Ahron, clean for over a year, wrote me today:
I
just read yesterday's Chizuk e-mail and I can
relate to every subtle point in both Duvid
Chaim's and Dov's responses. They really "get
it". Since I think I do too, I'm really part of
this family - whether I go to SA meetings or
not. I've become aware of the slightest spark in
my internal lust sensor. That awareness is how I
apply Duvid Chaim's lessons in "becoming aware
of our perceptions and motivations". And Dov's
points too, are right on target, as usual. We
need nothing but our minds to act out. The ONLY
solution is not
to lose spiritual connectivity: Keep that
car in shape. For me, it's working but it's slow
going...
This morning I was thinking about "once an
addict, always an addict". Although I believe it
to be true in the sense that lust is poison and
an addict cannot drink "a little" and
"responsibly", I also think that ideally, at
some point, an addict does not have to think
about the addiction every day, even in the
context of making sure not to drink. No matter
what the angle is, the more you think about lust
the worse off you are. Rather, the focus should
be on living right - all day, every day. The
more you do that, the more you reduce your
sensitivity to lust.
I have to live
right and gradually reduce my sensitivity to
triggers. It takes a long time, but when I
compare where I am today to where I was... I've
made a lot of progress (to Hashem's credit, not
mine).
I noticed too
that my feelings about davening and learning
have become genuine! I used to "miss" Minchah a
lot. Of course it was "unavoidable" because I
was in the middle of a meeting, etc, etc. And
when I did go, it was a chore. However now, even
if I don't have a lot of kavanah while davening,
I am truly happy to go. I look forward to it. I
did not set any goals, yet I found that I almost
never miss it these days.
It's very slow
going - but today I'm a happy man. The pain is
not fully gone, but there you have it. Life's
work goes on...
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Daily Dose of Dov
Dov
is sober in SA for over 13 years. See his story
here.
Lust vs. Love
This is a profound post from Dov. If you're married, I
suggest printing it out and reading it slowly, at least
twice.
Dov-In-Israel writes:
Let's assume a guy marries a VERY attractive wife - the
top, model quality! How
long will she remain attractive to him?
(should we ask Tiger Woods?)
The Torah teaches us,
that which a person lusts after, he comes to hate. (See
the story of Amnon and Tamar).
Rabbi Arush in "The
Garden of Peace" points out: Treat your wife like a
queen, and she will become as beautiful as a
queen to you.
Dov-Not-Yet-In-Israel replies:
Yow, I hear all of that!
My lust is
simply about putting me and my inner
experience of
pleasure at the center of the relationship I have with
my wife. (And at the center of everything else,
ultimately.)
By definition, an inner
experience of pleasure can't actually be shared. I can describe it
to you, but we can't ever feel my
feelings together.
(Our personal experiences are always going to be a bit
different, besides.)
Therefore, lust has no
shaychus to true Connection, or to true Giving. It
therefore has nothing to do with the real middah of
Yesod, at all. (The Middah of Yesod - which represents
sexuality, is all about "connection" and "giving"). Lust
is about taking. It's like a virus that takes from it's
"donor" and throws it a bone to keep the pipeline open.
So when
I use lust in my marriage, r"l, I am saying to my
wife:
"Once I am 'done', my
dear overused and bewildered wife, you are useful only
inasmuch as you may help me keep getting more of what I
want. So, I'll work hard for that. But if you 'catch on'
to my self-centeredness and immaturity, you are worse
than irrelevant... So please ignore my behavior, or else
it'll be so much harder for me to get that 'sholom bayis'
(= cooperation from you) that I need
so much! After all, how much manipulation can one man
do? Give me a break."
If I see my wife this
way, it won't be pretty. And that's exactly how I saw
and treated my wife in one way or another for 11 years
of marriage. I didn't make it appear that
way - even to me - but that's what was going on inside,
and she knew it. It's a miracle she could take it, at
all.
Amnon was disgusted with
Tamar - not just because she was his lust-object - but
because she was not happy being
a lust object. She had a vision for life of kedusha, and
she couldn't have had that with him,
her half-brother! She couldn't fulfill his needs -
because lust needs bittul from
the subject in order to work... hence Amnon's intense
hatred. Bittul to me and you is where schmutz-women
excel, of course! Real relationships are a quite
different matter.
Love is about giving, and
finds it's fulfillment through Yesod: Connection. But
true Connection requires individual Freedom. Freedom to
be myself - even to leave, if I wish (i.e. not to be
dependant on the other). Addicts don't like that freedom
very much. They become dependent and demand dependence
so their lust can last.
When love fills my
heart, I am saying to my wife:
"What can I, a free and
valuable person with gifts, do for
you? If you like what I can give, perhaps we can
stay together and accomplish something useful! I like
your gifts and they can help me to feel good and to be
good. Just remember that I am here for you more than
anyone else in this world, forever!"
Now, that's a
marriage! And if I screw up sometimes, why hide it? From
my life-partner?! Shtuyot! We support each other... It
can be hard sometimes and there are bumps on the road,
but that's the general idea.
When my wife loves me and
I know it, she is pretty
in my eyes by definition. Looks are not relevant when I
feel true love and devotion coming from her. There is
nothing more attractive to me than the eyes of the
person who truly loves me: for who I am, and who wants
to be connected to me more than anyone else in this
world. And that connection is forever, not just in this
world.
I believe that it's natural to react that way.
Why do you think Hashem's response (through the neviim)
to our horrible backsliding was most often: "But I love you!,
Ahavas Olam ahavtich.
Yechezkel (and others) are packed with this cry from
Hashem. He knows that once we actually know and accept
that He looks at us with such a true love - truer than
any other love ever - and that He wants us to
be with Him forever,
not just in this world... then nothing will stop us from
running after Him as hard as we can, for that
Connection.
I'm not denying the power of "Isha y'fas mar'eh" as a
positive thing in a marriage relationship. But do you
hear me? It's a subset of
love, not a cause for
love. And all the looks in the world are a far, far cry
from love itself. |
|
|
763. |
Sunday ~ 11 Iyar,
5770 ~ April 25, 2010
|
|
In Today's Issue
-
Announcement 1:
New cycle
of Zeva's conference
-
Announcement 2:
"Windows
of the Soul" cycle starting
-
Tips from
the Warriors: From "TrueRatzon" &
Ovadia
-
Link of
the Day: Da'as Torah on Current
Events - MP3 Shiur
-
Daily Dose
of Dov: My
Emotions are
My
Problem
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Announcement 1
Real Clinical Therapy -
almost for
free!
Announcing a new cycle of
Zeva's Phone Conference
Suri R., the devoted wife of Chaim R. for 20
years, is in a quandary. Chaim is a great
husband and a very big Talmid Chochom. Their
dining room table is constantly covered with
Seforim and Torah writings. Their computer is
full of Chiddushim and Parsha sheets.
However, today Suri came across a startling
discovery. Not being very computer savvy, she
tended to shy away from the computer. But today,
by the request of her husband to print out an
important document for him, she inadvertently
opened the wrong folder. The contents of this
folder shocked her beyond belief.
Thinking somehow this must have been some
mistake or a virus; she opened some other
folders at random. At this point, she had to
acknowledge that there was a problem here.
Facing an addiction is hard. It's harder to do
it alone. Being a Frum addict makes it even
harder. Joining a support join should be the
easy answer. But sometimes it's just not. Many
issues can prevent one from joining such a group
which can help them overcome their addictive
behaviors and enhance their lives. Sometimes
it's a question of geographical location or
simply demographics. Sometimes it's finding just
the right match.
In the words of Rabbi Dr. Abraham J Twerski M.D.
founder of the Gateway Rehabilitation Center and
Shaar Hatikvah rehabilitation center:
"Addicts cannot be treated by any mental health
professional. Only a specialist in addiction can
undertake the task of guiding the Internet
addict to reform."
However, certified Frum addictions specialists
who are sensitive to the religious and cultural
sensitivities, are limited. Yet GYE has the
answer for you, with our Tuesday night group,
run by Zeva Citronenbaum L.C.S.W.R, C.S.A.T
That's where "A.C.O.A.C.H. Service Recovery
Group" comes to play. In this special
individualized group, participants can join from
anywhere in the world (past participants have
been from Boro Park, Flatbush, Williamsburg,
Monsey, Monroe, Lakewood, Teaneck, Passaic,
Toronto, Montreal, Mississippi, Georgia,
Australia, and even Israel, amongst others) and
share their struggles and successes without
shame or fear, all while gaining the important
skill-set to be able to move past their
addictions. Using the group process, each
participant gains the tools and skills to ease
and enhance their journey towards their own
personal recovery.
Separating emotions from logic and then
reconnecting them, social skills and response
processes, priorities and judgment concepts,
integrated with the skills needed to focus on
what works rather than "WHAT WE FEEL LIKE DOING
AT THE TIME" gives the participants the ability
to face the realities they were avoiding or
trying to escape from. Learning to create chains
to track onset and vulnerabilities of
situations: such as feeling angry, lonely,
tired, frustrated, hurt, shameful, upset, sad,
overextended, frustrated... etc.
There are circles to promote and maintain
abstinence, and indexes to track recovery
progress, these are just some of the concepts
taught to the group. The circles are a means to
develop a Sobriety Definition and Plan. The
circles include an Abstinence List, A Boundaries
List and a Future Healthy Plan for your
behaviors. The circles are developed by each
individual as a means to reflect on, to look
back to this as a working plan.
The group is led by a Frum licensed Clinical
Social Worker, Zeva Citronenbaum L.C.S.W/R ,C.S.A.T,
who is certified in addictions, teaches DBT-Mindful
skills as well as practical skills which offers
the support needed to help each individual
succeed with their intended goals. Private
individual follow-ups & fill-ins are available.
The group meets by teleconference every week for
ten weeks, to both learn the skills, and gain
support from one another. The group participants
are kept strictly confidential and no personal
information is ever released.
This group has been praised many times by
various clinicians in many different
specialties, and has the Haskamah of leading
Gedolim.
For more
information, please
contact Zeva:
Zeva Citronenbaum
845-222-0580
Confidential Hotline
acoachservice@yahoo.com
For more info on this group,
see here
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Announcement 2
"Windows of the Soul" cycle starting
Starting tomorrow be"h, from Shemiras Ainayim
Chizuk Chizuk e-mail #401 and on, we will be
quoting daily excerpts from the new book called
"Windows
of the Soul" by Rabbi Zvi Miller of the
Salant Foundation. If you are not signed up to
this e-mail list and would like to join the new
cycle, please click "Update profile/address" at
the bottom of this e-mail and select the second
e-mail list".
This Shemiras Ainayim Chizuk List originally
started back in December of 2008 with this book,
but that was an older version, taken from a PDF
pre-draft of the book before it came out. The
newly released book is much more elaborate, and
has been enhanced with great parables and
real-life situations.
Just today, two people mentioned the book on
our forum:
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Tips from the
Warriors
"TrueRatzon" wrote:
I can sum up a few things that I have learned
recently in this struggle:
1) A person should never despair and feel that
his past aveiros will hinder his opportunity to
come back to Hashem. Hashem wants every person
to do teshuvah no matter how many times he's
fallen in the past.
2) Carnal desires
are 97% lust and 3% pleasure. Once the pleasure
comes, it only lasts a very short time and then
you feel empty and defeated when it's over. The
key to success is to always have an awareness of
the test and realize the emptiness of giving
into the desire vs. the fulfillment of saying
no!
3) Each time you are Holy, you are fulfilling a
mitzvah that Hashem directly commanded each Jew
to keep, i.e. be Kadosh (this past week's Parsha).
This is a great motivating factor because the
Creator of the entire universe wants me and you
to be Kadosh!
4) It's so
important to keep this fight a battle of the
mind, and not the heart. We need to limit our
exposure to things that get our hearts and
emotions aroused. Because once it becomes a
battle of the heart, it is much harder to win!
5) I am mature
adult who can say 'no' to the child within me.
6) Our neshamos
are a brightly burning flame. If we pour water
on them - by seeing improper things, we can chas
v'shalom lessen our flame.
7) Consistency is so important in life and in
this battle. I truly believe that keeping
something up every day can really help me go a
long way.
8) Last night after Shabbos, I learned in day
six of
"Windows of the Soul" that it's important
to stay motivated to learn Torah on a daily
basis and set some time to focus on learning
mussar to quell the yetzer harah.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Ovadia wrote:
I am writing this on my way to work on a bus
full of Pritzus. I have worked out various
practical techniques to help me. One thing is to
be prepared. I always take with me for my
journey a variety of activities to occupy me. If
possible a Sefer, but otherwise general reading
that will keep me interested and
focused. Another thing is my dignity. I try to
be aware of my status as a frum Jew, and that
to "gaze" at pritzus "pas nisht".
As I write, from
the corner of my eye a certain sight is visible.
Hashem! I really do not want to see it, but it
is there. Is it possible to live a normal life
in a way that I do not transgress Velo Sosuru? I
think that Bli Neder I am going to try and work
through the book
"Windows to the Soul" and post my
progress here on the forum.
Thank you everyone for "listening" and being
supportive.
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Link of the Day
Daas Torah on Current Events
A Shiur From the Rosh Yeshiva, Rav Aharon
Feldman Shlit"a
Download here a powerful Shmooze from the
Rosh Yeshiva Rav Feldman (who is a warm
supporter of our work at GYE - see his Haskama
here). The entire talk is just over 24
minutes, but the key point (that Internet,
movies, etc. can make us forget our entire
purpose in life and can take away our entire
Cheishek to Shteig in learning and Avodas Hashem) begins
at about 13:25.
The entire Shmooze is highly recommended. The
Rosh Yeshiva talks about current /
contemporary events, such as the volcanic
eruptions, which have disrupted air flight
overseas; the huge upheaval in Polish
government due to an air crash; September 11;
and diseases such as AIDS. Although we would
need a Navi or a Baal Ruach HaKodesh to tell us
the reasons for these events, there is much that
can be learned from a Pasuk in Yeshaya regarding
Acharis HaYamim.
For just a one
minute excerpt from the shiur which emphasizes
the terrible damage that the internet and media
is causing,
click here.
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Daily Dose of Dov
Dov
is sober in SA for over 13 years. See his story
here.
My Emotions are My
Problem
To someone full of anger at the addiction and the world,
Dov writes:
If nothing else works, dear yid, and you ever decide to
turn to the Steps for help, you may discover that under
all your pain and rage, your real problem is your
own resentment.
Nobody else has the power to give you rage. My emotions
are my
own problem,
and getting freedom requires me to let go of the right
to hate the hell out of someone. Actually, out of
anyone. I believe that very few people really want
to "do bad" - we all do what has a payoff
for us,
whether it's really good for us or not. I acted out for
25 years (even though it was clearly screwing me up)
because my heart told me it was in my very best interest
to get that nice, warm, and loving feeling that porn
gives me. You couldn't have convinced me otherwise at
the time. The people we resent (evil jerks) are almost
always people who have a very screwed-up sense of what
is in
their best interest.
They, of course, learned that
somewhere... probably from their sick
parents who carried around their own immense pain and
resentment and just wouldn't let it go either.
So, I say keep reading
this forum and see how out of control you
are. You may then say, "Holy (cow)! I am ruled
by character defects that
I can't fight!" Then you might read the book, "Twelve
Steps and Twelve Traditions", by AA, on steps 4-7.
If you work those steps your life will be
changed drastically and probably forever. And your wife
and children will be very grateful to you.
Maybe I am a fool...
Correction: I am a
fool. But I am a fool who loves you, and all addicts. |
|
|
764. |
Monday ~ 12 Iyar,
5770 ~ April 26, 2010
|
|
In Today's Issue
-
Personal
Victory of the Day:
Attack at
15 Months
-
Daily Dose
of Dov:
Doing what you need to do,
today
-
Repeat
Announcement:
New cycle
of Zeva's conference
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Personal Victory
of the Day
Attack at 15 Months
By Yaakov Shwartz
Many of you in this site probably don't even
know me. I am a GYE old timer, who has been
sober for close to FIFTEEN months through GYE,
and still going, B"H. My commitment to sanity
and sobriety is strong. If you want to get to
know me better, you can read my journal that I
posted on google
docs or
you could read my
thread: 15+ years of battle.
I wanted to share
with everyone a very scary encounter I had today
with the yetzer hara. Today was my first major
nisayon since the start of my journey FIFTEEN
months ago. Today was the first time I actually
had a real thought to sin. B"H, with the help of
Hashem, I emerged victorious. Before I tell you
what happened, I would like to share with you
what I believe was part of the cause of this
situation. Firstly, I have been lax in my
davening for protection. I used to daven
constantly to Hashem for help. But, as time went
on, and my sense of security got stronger, I
mellowed out. The second thing was that my
shemiras
eynayim was not as strong as it used to
be.
So here is what
happened. I created a web page for a client to
collect data for registrants. Today, I was
looking at the data and noticed a lot of
indecent material. There were lots of urls for
p**n. My heart began racing. There was a small
voice inside me that said, "What a shame to miss
out on such an OPPORTUNITY. You won't have to
feel guilty because You were not looking for it.
And of course you can take just ONE PEEK. And
then that would be it. You can go back to work.
And after all, you have been so strong, what
could one peek do to you? No one would know. And
besides, aren't you so CURIOUS to see what kind
of pictures they are? Don't worry, this is is
not a lust attack, it is just a curiosity
attack. That's not so harmful. Go for it, yaakov.
Go for it."
And so there I
was, actually considering to commit
spiritual/mental suicide.
But... Morai
v'rabosai, for the past FIFTEEN months I
prepared myself for this moment. I davened to
Hashem the day should never come. But I asked
that if it ever comes, I should have the
strength and wisdom and pull myself out of it. I
spoke to myself constantly to always remember
the future implications of my actions. Never be
fooled by the conniving ways of the yetzer hara.
I had to remind myself over and over again that
if it is wrong and bad to look at porn and mas**bate;
G-d despises it being and done, and that's it.
I refrain because I was told so. Not because it
gives me emotional stability. Period. There is
no room for debate with myself. This I told over
and over to myself. And now the moment of truth
arrived. Here I was contemplating the most
horrific act, and I said NO NO NO!!! But he did
not let up. He kept popping into my head and
urging me to peek. The impulses were strong. He
kept reminding me that it is just a peek. That's
all. Just to satisfy the curiosity.
Finally, I felt
strong and said "I will not". But I knew I could
not just sit there. I quickly ran out and called
my wife on the cell and told her what happened.
She knows about my past addiction (though not to
its fullest extent). She was pleased that I felt
comfortable speaking to her about it. I told her
that by speaking it out, it helps cool the
fire.
Later on that
day, I went to the kosel to daven my hear out.
Firstly, I thanked Hashem for saving me from
death, and then asked for further protection.
Tomorrow is the
last day of
Beha"b. May Hashem grant us all full
kapara and continued shemira from the yetzer
hara. To be granted that shemira, we need to
daven for it and constantly set up better and
better gedarim.
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Daily Dose of Dov
Dov
is sober in SA for over 13 years. See his story
here.
Doing what you need to do,
today
Someone writes to Dov a question:
Hi Dov,
I have accepted on myself
that I will follow the program to the best of my
abilities regardless if I understand everything in it.
After all, as you say, it is my best thinking that got
me into this mess. But occasionally I do have a question
I would like to ask and hope to get understanding and
chizuk from it. So here goes.
Let me introduce you to a
fellow named Yechiel. This Yechiel is an extremely
self-centered, ego-centric, selfish, always looking out
for number one type of guy. It is in his very bones.
Even when he does for others it is in one of three ways.
(1) give to take (2) give what must be given due to
circumstance (father, husband etc.) but get it over,
done with and out of the way ASAP (3) give but
constantly live for and anticipate the next upcoming
"me-time/pleasure moment".
Now due to a chain of
events, Yechiel is being told that he must completely
change his life, in effect create Yechiel 2.0. This new
Yechiel will be the complete opposite of the old one.
While unhappy with 1.0, he contemplates what 2.0
requires and a feeling of tremendous withdrawal arises.
"Can I do this?", he wonders. "Do I even WANT to do
this?". "But what's the alternative, more of the same?"
"Can't do that either". So he is scared and wonders,
"Are there people out there of the Yechiel 1.0 type, who
have successfully made the journey from self-service to
God/Others service and are living a new, fundamentally
improved life? Of course there are recovering addicts,
but have they come from such a selfish place as he
has?
Dov, what would you say
to Yechiel?
Best regards,
Yechiel 1.0
~~~~ Dov Replies: ~~~~
Dear Yechiel,
I'll just let you know that I am a self-serving,
self-obsessed, egomaniac with a tendency to focus way
too much on what other people think of me. It interferes
with almost every department of my life. It drives me
nuts mainly in shul and at work, and I need to
do something about it.
At the same time (you may have read
my story), my entire life is vastly different than
it was 15 years ago - even than it was 10 years ago -
and even very different than it was 5 years ago - all
because I am not acting out with lust and also because I
am using the steps (very imperfectly) in my daily life.
As of today, I live with my personal G-d (Hashem) much
more of the time than I used to; I take my wife and
kids' needs much more seriously and sympathetically than
I used to; I have grown up a bit and take my
responsibilities to others more seriously than I used
to... all imperfectly and inconsistently. But it seems
that the improvement I have made is all I really need in
order to stay sober.
Here's the catch: It
seems that as I go along, the deepness of the connection
that I must to have to my G-d and to the people in my
life naturally increases.
What was honest yesterday is
not honest enough today.
What was G-d-centered yesterday is too
self-centered today.
It just won't do anymore. If I remain the same I will be
disconnected and I just hate that feeling.
I deserve better than that old slop. Besides, if I get uncomfortable enough,
I'll eventually act out, right? And that's not an option
any more, so I'd better work the steps! It may
sound weird, but it's just the way it is. Recovery is an
escalator you never really get off of. It may be slow,
but you will keep moving up. You'll have to.
There is an Ibn Ezra on the struggles of b'nei Yisroel
in the midbar in which he writes that our real problem
was that we looked at what we would have to do to "make
it" in Eretz Yisroel, and looked at how we were right
then (eating the manna and living under the ananei
hakavod), and we freaked out. Kind of like a pompous 13
year-old getting behind the wheel of a car or trying to
live on his own. He just isn't equipped for the
challenges of adult life. B'nei Yisroel didn't stay in today,
and trust that by the time they got to Eretz Yisroel,
Hashem would give them the growth they'd need to face
those huge challenges. He's real smart, you know. But
they still had that dependent slave mentality and could
not imagine growing
up and really being independent. We types do exactly the
same thing. Our state in two, five, ten years from now
is supposed to
be rachok mitziur sichleinu (far from our
imagination). So we give up on them - today! Thinking
about it is just plain nuts. It's none of our business.
We need to do today's work and trust Hashem. Basically,
we need to just get the heck out of His way, that's all.
So, consider quitting the "I've got to change myself
into an alien" business and focus on doing what you need
to do today to let go of today's fears, resentments and
demands that are making you uncomfortable right
now. That's what the steps, a sponsor, and recovery
buddies are for. And that's what having a G-d is for,
too, Hashem li,
v'lo ira! He's for you.
Sound selfish? Well, as they say, it's about enlightened self-interest. I want
to be useful, and I want
to be sober. And the only way for me to do that is to be just
a bit less self-centered in
my actions, today. G-d (not
me) will take care of the rest and will make the
changes in my motivations as time goes on. That's it. It
takes a little humility every day to let go of the
heavy burden of
"doing the avoda" and just live
as His children. (Most of the fire really comes
from shamayim - we just bring a little bit from our own,
right?)
Love, (really)
Dov |
|
|
765. |
Tuesday ~ 13 Iyar,
5770 ~ April 27, 2010
|
|
In Today's Issue
-
Torah
Thought 1:
Erech Apayim = Yesod = Shemiras Habris
-
Torah
Thought 2: Addict
Chashuv
Ki'meis
-
Therapy
Tip of the Day: Candeo Recovery
Program
-
Attitude
Tip of the Day: Building up love for
Hashem
-
Daily Dose
of Dov:
The Need to Feel Special
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Two Beautiful Torah Thoughts
Erech Apayim = Yesod = Shemiras Habris
Posted by "Steve"
Today, our Rebbe Reb Duvid Chaim, was discussing
(on
the phone conference) the Middos of Rachamim
(Attributes of Mercy). The sixth attribute of
the thirteen is "Erech Apayim", which refers to
God's endless patience with us. It might be
possible that Erech Apayim corresponds to the
sixth of the Seven Middos through which God runs
the world (Chesed, Gevurah, Tiferes etc), which
is Yesod. Yesod refers to shmiras habris, moral
purity, which is our addiction. This teaches us
that Hashem's patience is especially applicable
to those of us who are engaged in working on
Midas Hayesod, the struggle to establish and
solidify the foundations of our lives and our
Yiddishkeit. He knows how difficult it is and
has all the patience in the world (after all, He
created patience!) as he waits for us to get it
right by fully turning to Him and "letting go
and letting God".
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Addict Chashuv Ki'Meis
By "honest mouse"
Rav Chaim Shmulevitz says (in Sichos Mussar)
that the reason why a metzora, someone without
kids, a poor person and a blind person are
choshuv kemais (considered as dead), is because
they all have something in common which they are
lacking.
Each one, in
their own way, is lacking in the ability to give
and interact with other people. The people we
give most to are our kids, a poor person is
obviously less able to give and to help people
(monetarily), a metzora is secluded from people,
and a blind person can't connect to people on
the highest level (he quotes from the possuk
where Moshe saw the suffering of the people,
that the highest level of connection is through
sight). In other words, the whole point of life
is being able to give to others, share in their
pain, try and help them out and connect with
them. If you are unable to do this, you aren't
truly alive and are therefore considered as
dead.
The message I
took from this in relation to our struggle, is
that being absorbed in self pleasure and lust
gratification is withdrawing from people and
taking selfishly, it's the opposite of what life
is for, and the whole time we do it, we are
adding ourselves to the list of 'chosuv kemais'
- we are behaving as if we are dead!
As a side point, I try to have kavonoh in
shmoineh esrei when saying 'mechayey maisim'
that Hashem should help me act alive instead of
dead.
May we all be
Zoche to 'chose life'!
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Therapy Tip
of the Day
Candeo Recovery Program
Posted by "Feedtherightwolf"
I took part in
Candeo recovery program when I started early
on in my recovery. In and of itself, it was
not enough to give me a long term
sobriety, because I did not make God the number
one authority in my recovery.
Nevertheless, the
more I stick around 12 step groups, I see more
and more people that I think can benefit from
it.
They use a cognitive therapy approach, and it is
presented in video format lectures by 2 PH.D's
and a recovering porn addict Mark Kestleman,
author of "The Drug of New Millennium" - a
pretty good book on pornography addiction.
They also have a
free mini course that you can sign up for.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
From the website:
Candeo Can (sponsored
link) is an online program that has contributed
a great deal towards my personal recovery. I
have learned more from this program in two
months, than I have done in a year of one on one
counseling. Initially it was hard for me to get
myself to pay $197 for an online recovery
program, but in the end I must say it was well
worth the cost. I am now a year free from
compulsive masturbation, 7 month free from
compulsive pornography viewing and 85 days free
from purposely looking at any form of sexually
explicit material. Note:
If you can not afford Candeo Can program
consider looking into it's free
alternative.
Candeo Can (sponsored
link) consists of 10 levels, each one taking
approximately 1-2 hours to complete. Each level
has exercises that you must complete in order to
proceed forward, as well as homework assignments
that should be performed over an assigned period
of time ranging from 1 day to 1 week.
In addition all information is presented in a
form of video lectures which makes learning fun
and efficient process.
To learn more about the program and to sign up
for a free mini course please visit CandeoCan.com (sponsored
link).
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Attitude Tip of
the Day
Building Up Love for Hashem
"StrugglingYid" writes:
Doing a big Teshuva might be great -- but when
you love someone, it is not only about the big
things, but in how you do the small things. Not
that I am knocking the big things, they are
important, but if you want to really show
someone you love them, you have to constantly be
doing the little things that matter so much.
"Briut"
Replies:
This
really spoke to me somehow. What "StrugglingYid"
is talking about is doing something small for
Hashem, JUST BECAUSE. Le'Chinam. Stam.
Because... it helps me keep my focus on Him,
b'chol yom
tamid. And maybe even because it gives
Him nachas (K'Y) that His children still
remember Him lovingly after all these years of
golus and tzuris.
So, if I can
remember to do little things for my wife and
kids "just because," shouldn't it be a kal
v'chomer to do this for Him?
So simple, yet so
easy for me to forget.
I should try
saying, "I'm about to do this 'easy' mitzvah...
FOR YOU, Hashem." I'm about to walk away from
this aveira opportunity... FOR YOU, Hashem."
Keep Him in mind
always and do the SMALL stuff "for Him," and not
just the BIG stuff. This is a powerful way to
show Him our love, and to help us build up our
love for Him each day.
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Daily Dose of Dov
Dov
is sober in SA for over 13 years. See his story
here.
The Need to Feel Special
Someone posted on the forum:
We tell
ourselves that we want to feel wanted, needed, special.
It's a natural desire; everyone wants that, right?
Problem is, I'm not getting it in the rest of my life,
so I need to find some area
where I can feel that... And that's part of the
reason we run to the schmutz...
Dov replies:
Yes, there is tremendous warmth and acceptance that we
(sickly) find in
schmutz, no question about it. And we tend to
crave that so much. But our survival mechanism itself
poisons us, in the end, and draws us deeper and deeper
into stuff that separates us
from everybody else! Lust separates us from others in so
many ways, on the inside (in our own hearts) and on the
outside (through our behavior).
Life is supposed
to be grand and gorgeous - just not on my terms.
I do need
to be special and great - for each one of us is!
But not necessarily in the things that we expect.
The glory of being a ben
Torah, a husband, a tatty, an eved Hashem was definitely not the
way I expected it to be, at all. And I tried to control
it all and run the show to make it at that game - and
when I failed, I usually ran to my schmutz to make
things feel right. I could be a King over there...a
real stud, in my imagination. Pathetic,
really.
Nu. We can all laugh at
ourselves sometimes... Hashem loves us anyway, and
perhaps He chuckles the way we chuckle (inside) when our kiddies
flop on their tooshies trying to walk - how clumsy they
are and how persistent! Gevalt! Hashem - save us from ourselves!! |
|
|
766. |
Wednesday ~ 14
Iyar, 5770 ~ April 28, 2010
Pesach Sheini
|
|
In Today's Issue
-
Pesach
Sheini:
"Lama Ni'garah?!"
-
Q & A of
the Day: The G-d Hole
-
Testimonial of the Day: By "Frumfeind"
-
Daily Dose
of Dov:
His
way is getting me well
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Pesach Sheini
"Lama Ni'garah?!"
Last year on Pesach Sheini, we announced the
launch of the two Handbooks - in Chizuk e-mail
#473 on
this page (which I remember writing in the
early morning hours, after having been up all
night finishing the handbooks up :-)
The two handbooks can be downloaded here:
1) The GuardYourEyes Handbook
18 suggested tools and techniques, in
progressive order, to beating lust addiction.
2) The GuardYourEyes Attitude
30 basic principles to help us maintain the
proper attitude and perspective on this
struggle.
I would like to share something from that
memorable chizuk e-mail last year:
Today is Pesach
Sheini -
which is all about having a
SECOND CHANCE!
The Medrash says
that it was those who were carrying the bones of Yosef
Hatzadik that
asked Moshe "Lama
Ni'garah -
why should we be less worthy to
sacrifice the Korban of
Hashem in its proper time?" And in the merit of
their sincere
desire, Hashem gave them the special Mitzvah of Pesach
Sheini, which
turned out to be not only a second chance for
them, but
for anyone who
was impure or was "out of town", for all
generations to come!
We here on GuardYourEyes, were also "impure" at
one time or another. We were "out of town" on a
journey that Hashem was leading us on, and we
often didn't understand what it was that Hashem
wanted from us. We thought Hashem had abandoned
us and we cried out:
"Lama Ni'garah?!"
But in the merit of our cries, and in the merit
that we tried to uphold "the bones" of Yosef
Hatzadik- who symbolizes Yesod - in striving
for purity in these areas even
though we
kept falling time and time again (which is like
holding bones; there seems to be no life in what
we are doing), Hashem in His great mercy gave us
all a
second chance and
led us here,
to the GuardYourEyes
community.
And today, my dear brothers, with the launch of
these two new handbooks, EVERY
SINGLE JEW WHO WANTS TO BE PURIFIED will
have HIS second
chance as well. In the merit of our cries
of"Lama
Nigarah?",
the community of GYE was built. And as a result,
not only were we given
a second chance, but now, every single Jew who
struggles with these issues, will be given a
second chance as well.
Help us spread the handbooks on to others!
These handbooks lay
down a foundation that
will hopefully last until Moshiach's time, and
will BE"H help pull thousands of Yidden out of
the 50th level of impurity. (We also hope that
these two handbooks will eventually evolve into
a published book).
Ever since the advent of the internet some 15
years ago, the Yetzer
Hara has
been granted free reign, wreaking havoc in
thousands of Jewish homes, destroying lives and
marriages, and cutting Yidden off from the
source of life itself. Indeed, the Ohr
Hachayim on Parshas
Shmos (3:8) writes,
that before Moshiach's time the Jewish nation
will be subjected to the 50th level of impurity.
But he also writes
there, that before the Redemption the Jewish
people will garner the strength to enter into
the very "mouth" of the 50th level of impurity,
and pull out that which the Satan had
already swallowed.
And that is exactly what
the GuardYourEyes community is doing today. The Ohr
Hachayim Hakadosh could
not have used a more divinely inspired analogy.
We are entering into
the mouth of
the Yetzer Hara himself, and using the very
power of the internet to pull out these sparks
of Kedusha, these holy souls, that have fallen
to the 50th level of impurity!
The free reign of the the Yetzer Hara's terror
is coming to an end. Today, on Pesach Sheini,
5769, the Satan is shuddering in fear, for he
senses that his end is near indeed. With the
launch of these two handbooks, we have just
moved the Redemption much closer.
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q & A of the
Day
The G-d Hole
"Why is it so hard to turn away? Why is there so
much pain? How come I can be such a good Yid and
daven and learn, yet the moment I see a pretty
woman my heart cries in pain and I want to run
after lust? Why am I so messed up inside? What
am I - a good person or a total pervert?"
Dear holy Yid,
We humans are made up of a body and soul. The
soul craves a deep and sublime connection to
G-d, who is the source of all good, beauty and
pleasure. Our body "messes up these signals" and
tries to fill this "G-d hole" with the bubble
and illusion of lust. As long as we are still
mostly "physical" people who haven't built up
the "soul" part of our nature to be uppermost in
importance to us, it will feel very painful to
say "no" to the illusion, as it leaves the "G-d
hole" feeling empty, with nothing to "cover over
the hole", even if the patch is imaginary and
comes right off.
The only way that we can one day truly not feel
pain at "saying no" and feel good in our lives
without the imaginary "balm of lust", is if we
strive to intensify our soul's prominence in our
lives. When we feel the pull of lust, we need to
tell ourselves that it's our soul's yearning for
G-dliness and for G-d's loving embrace that we
are really craving. We should use this
opportunity to cry out "Father! I know that
it's really YOU who is calling me. I just get
the signals all mixed up because my body is
still in control of me more than my soul is.
Help me, Father, to be more spiritual, so I can
run to You and to Your ever-loving embrace..."
As
the Ba'al Shem Tov says, these feelings of
lust are given to us so we can uplift this
"fallen love" to the highest heights. If we
never yearned for love, connection and pleasure,
how would we know that such a thing exists in
a spiritual form? It is only because we
experience it on this world, that we can imagine
what TRUE love and connection must be like.
So at the end of the day, our deep yearnings and
pain are our biggest blessings. They are the
hidden signals of our soul, calling us to
experience the true subliminal love and
connection with the source of all beauty and
good, comfort and pleasure, warmth and light.
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Testimonial
of the Day
"Frumfiend" (a Talmid Chacham and Magid Shiur)
wrote today on the forum:
A little cheshbon hanefesh and hakaras hatov
likras lel hashloshim that I am clean. It is
symbolic that this number which is considered
significant in the recovery process, happened to
fall out lel pesach sheni. Pesach sheni is the
day of a second chance and so is GYE a second
chance for me. As I have previously posted, I
had totally given up hope of recovering. I hold
lifetime memberships in p*n sites. I had thrown
out computers and the internet countless times,
to no avail. Somehow I stumbled on this site
which has given me a second chance.
Thank you to all those that post replies, chizuk
and musar to my posts.
Thanks for all the PMs and regards that keep me
going.
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Daily Dose of Dov
Dov
is sober in SA for over 13 years. See his story
here.
His way is
getting me well
When my wife first found out about my addiction, we used
to get into fights every Monday night, either before or
after my SA meeting - till about 1.5 years when I did my
4th step and my mood and behavior really began to
change. Then things really started getting better - she
gave the credit to my sponsor (and to sobriety)! I wanted
the credit then
(sigh)!
But it really goes to Hashem working through SA, I
believe.
Now, my wife can laugh
her head off about how stupid my
temptations are (as I believe the temptations in all addictions
are), and
I can actually laugh with her. After all, honestly
feeling that "all I need to be happy right now is a
rendezvous with some other woman", is so absurd! It's
really just plain stupid. So we can laugh. But that's
because the pain is so far away by now... Time heals a
lot, as my wife often reminds me.
But inside I know, that
as free as I may be today, if I don't take it seriously,
there is no doubt that it'll kill me and destroy our
family. She probably realizes it too, but it thankfully
goes unsaid... Heck, I spent my first couple of years in
recovery trying to "get her to see my side", as though
it'd really help me a lot. My efforts just drove both of
us crazy. With my sponsor's help, I gave that up and
accepted total responsibility on myself... B"H for that.
Every case is different
though, and I do see how in some marriages, having the
wife "understand" the nature of the addiction can be
helpful. Actually, my wife understands quite a bit. She
just doesn't understand how smart it
can seem to me when I'm messed up!
(In other words, - although acting on
lust is probably the very stupidest thing I can ever do
in any situation and makes life's troubles worse,
never better, I remember that whenever I have ever
wanted to act out, it seemed like the most important
thing for me to do at that moment. I really seem to need it.
And if I really feel I need it,
then it must mean that at some level I believe it is in
my very best interest, no?).
If my wife really knew how powerful lust can be
in my brain, she'd realize that even she is totally
powerless over it and freak out, I guess.
If she really understood the risk from the inside of me,
she'd probably react out of fear and try to be very
sexual with me and "satisfy me" to
keep me safe... Ha!... (we had been down that
horrifying road before!) and that would be the end of me
for sure! I'd probably be acting out in a week, c"v.
Or, she'd react by
deciding we need to remain celibate till the end of
time... that wouldn't be very nice either...
"Boruch Hashem" is all I
can say. He works
things out in ways that may seem insane to me at times,
but if I stay sober and keep
my brain's mouth shut I
soon discover that His way
is best. In fact, given a choice at many phases, I never would
have recovered this way! Yet here I am as of today! My way
got me as sick as I got, and His way
is getting me well. That's all I need to know. |
|
|
767. |
Thursday ~ 15 Iyar,
5770 ~ April 29, 2010
|
|
In Today's Issue
-
Testimonial of the Day: "Eye.nonymous"
hits 180 days clean!
-
Attitude
Tip of the Day: People, Not Objects
-
Daily Dose
of Dov:
Training the Good Muscles
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Testimonial of the Day
"Eye.nonymous" hits 180 Days Clean!
Eye.nonymous posted on the forum:
Day 180 was rather uneventful.
On day 90 I had
this feeling, "Okay, I made it, what now?"
But now I see
that there's always deeper levels of dirt to
clean off. Higher levels of awareness to reach.
Greater levels of freedom to gain.
Every day just
keeps getting better.
I was talking
with my wife about some of the changes I
have undergone recently, especially in being
less selfish and understanding her view of
intimacy.
Well, after she
stopped laughing, she said, "YOU FINALLY
UNDERSTAND! HOW DID THIS HAPPEN?"
Of course, I
attributed it to GuardYourEyes and to
Duvid Chaim's calls. She said, "You REALLY
started changing since you started the phone
calls with Duvid Chaim." And, I think she's
right.
I wanted to say
this because at first I had serious reservations
about joining Duvid Chaim's group. I asked
myself, "AM I
REALLY THAT BAD?! I only mast*** every once in a
while, and once every so often my Yetzer Hara
gets the best of me on the internet."
But I met Duvid
Chaim at one of the GYE kumzitzes in the Holy
Land a few months ago, and I could sense from
him that THERE'S A LOT MORE TO RECOVERY THAN
JUST STAYING CLEAN. He just overflows with joy,
every second. I admitted to myself that I DON'T
HAVE THAT - AND I WANT IT, TOO!
So, here I am on
the calls. And each day just keeps getting
better, B"H!
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Attitude Tip
of the Day
People, Not Objects
We got this
e-mail recently from "Shlomo"
I had to speak to my teenage boys recently about
the dealing with the challenges of being a
teenager. What I shared with them I have tried
to take to heart in my own life. It has helped
shed clarity on my own perspective and I wanted
to share it with the group.
What I explained to my boys was that that there
is a fundamental difference between the way the
world wants us to look at women and the way
Yidishkeit looks at women.
The word at large wants us to look at women as
objects of desire. That is why they put a pretty
woman on an advertisement for a car for a soft
drink or for anything else. Desire the woman and
desire the object. Both are there only for our
pleasure. Women are OBJECTS to fill our desires.
Viewing women or thinking about women in this
light de-voids the woman of being a person. She
is just an OBJECT to fuel our lust.
Yidishkeit portrays women as role models. The
Emahos were real people with incredible depth
and insight. The Torah specifically tells us
about their personal struggles and challenges
and how they reached out to Hashem for their
salvation. They were HUMAN BEINGS of enormous
potential filled with aspirations and hopes.
They were incredible PEOPLE to look up to and to
emulate. The Torah tells us that the Emahos were
physically beautiful. Why is this relevant? The
Torah is ingraining in us that women, even
beautiful women, are people, potentially
great people. They are not objects. The mother
of today is the Ekeres Habais. She is the
primary influence on the chinuch of our
children. The mother of today struggles to be
loved and appreciated as every human being does.
Once again, the women role model of today is a
person to look up to and respect.
When we train ourselves to look at a woman in
general as a person, not an object, it changes
our perspective of how we think about that
person.
This idea can be applied to us in our daily
lives. When you see a pretty co-worker or a
pretty woman on the street, you have a choice.
You can see another OBJECT of desire. A pretty
package that is only there to serve your desire
and lust. OR you can see a PERSON just like
yourself. A person who is trying to pay her
bills. A person who is trying to be
conscientious at work. A person who may be a
mother or a good friend to somebody. So what
that she comes in a pretty package! At the end
of the day she is a person just like you,
struggling to make it thorough her day. When you
take note of a pretty person, turn away before
the lust takes hold and blinds you from seeing
her as a person. Start training yourself, before
the wrong thoughts take hold, to think of her as
someone's mother or supportive friend. Think of
her as a tax payer, or as someone who has to
deal with traffic. Viewing her in that light
will hopefully make you aware that the person
you saw is just that, A PERSON, not an object
for your desire.
I have tried to take this to heart and
incorporate this into my own life and have found
that it helps.
If you feel that there is value in the above,
please feel free to share it. I would appreciate
people's feedback or comments.
Thanks for the daily chizuk. It is exactly that.
Daily, often needed, Chizuk.
Shlomo
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Daily Dose of Dov
Dov
is sober in SA for over 13 years. See his story
here.
Training the Good Muscles
"Yiddle" wrote on the forum:
"Hashem: I am talking directly to you. Please, I sit
here with tears nearly streaming down my cheeks. Please
give me the power and the will I lack to overcome this.
Please allow me to live. Please take away the source of
the pain. I want to break free of this more than
anything in the world. Bli neder, I will not use my
computer for a month. I can use other people's computers
for no longer than 15 minutes at a time, and no more
than 30 minutes a day. I am also making a plan to get
rid of my laptop for good. I don't need it. I just make
excuses to have it."
Dov responds:
Yiddle, I love you so much! You are pouring out your
heart here and saying words that I have cried over, too,
and still cry over them. I want to be close to Hashem,
instead of to Lust. I want to be His, not Lust's. I want
to be free of lust today more than anything in
the world - no question!
Please consider the
positive side, too. You speak to Him of "not doing this
or that, limiting something, etc." The entire solution
includes lots of positives - the positives is
where we gain the condolence that we need to remain free
of the schmutz! To be OK without it! The positive
for me, is talking to Hashem calmly and humbly a few
times a day, before and after davening for 5 seconds, 10
seconds, a minute, whatever, and before I leave my house
in the morning, go to work, leave my work, come home,
etc. When I do anything that in the past may have led to
getting distracted by lust, I talk to Him and ask Him
calmly to just help me do this right.
It seems clear that you
recognize that the connection you need will not be
supplied for you by the schmutz and acting-out
behaviors any more. True. That is over, whether you like
it or not, I believe (feeling a little terror here is
quite normal, by the way...)
But we are not G-d. Only He is
One and Alone! We,
however, need
to be plugged into something greater than ourselves,
something we worship, a Higher Power. That is how we are
made!
But then where will it come from? Answer:
You need to create it - it will not happen by itself. I
do not need just "tahara" (i.e. not
sinning)! Stopping there will assure my failure. I
need to start growing in kedusha
and d'veikus! The
"freedom from sin" part is a gift! But the connection
with Hashem? That I
have to fight for!
Not because He makes me
fight for it for some cruel reason, nor because I need
to "deserve it", chas vesholom. No way! It's a gift I
will never deserve!
Rather, it's simply because I spent years and years
connecting to my lust instead of to Him and to people in
a healthy way, whenever I felt empty. See, besides just
an addiction it
is a trained reaction -
so I need to start training the good muscles,
with His help.
I hope this is chizuk to
you, my friend.
Much love,
Dov |
|
|
768. |
Friday ~ 16 Iyar,
5770 ~ April 30, 2010
Erev Shabbos Parshas Emor
|
|
In Today's Issue
-
Parsha
Talk - Emor / Lag Ba'Omer: Fire Away!
-
Parsha
Talk - Emor:
Shemiras
HaLashon = Shemiras Habris
-
Two Great
Links: Intimacy = In To Me See / A
Shiur by Rabbi Nissin Kaplan
-
Daily Dose
of Dov:
Dressing our struggle in the
Chaluka d'Rabannon
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Parsha Talk: Emor / Lag Ba'Omer
Fire away!!
By "Bardichev"
We are standing at the
door of Lag
B'Omer.
Many of us will
be heading to Meron.
What is the
message of this hidden Yom Tov?
How do we,
who struggle with the Yetzer Hara, gain
chizuk and apply it in a practical way?
My zayde, the
Kedushas Levy, has the answer.
It says in this
week's Parsha:
"If the
daughter of a Kohen begins
to sin, she is defiling her father and she
shall be burned."
Says the Holy
Kedushas Levy:
When a person
sins he provides life to the klippos,
thereby
weakening his connection with Hashem.
The sin
has in it heat and passion,
which was misplaced and is now giving
energy to the forces of evil.
So how do we
reconnect??
The Torah Teaches
Us:
U'bas ish
kohen ki sechel liznos...
The Jewish soul -
the princess (bas kohen) - that begins to sin...
How can it be
fixed??!!
BA'AISH TISAREF!!
Burn it up! Fire
it up!!
Serve Hashem with
fervor, with feeling, with passion!
Sing, Dance, Clap,
Cry, Laugh, Be
ALLLIIIVE!!
By serving
Hashem through hislahavus, we can
readjust the passion to what it really was
intended
for!!
And we can snatch away that which the Satan
stole.
Maybe that is the
secret of why we light a madurah
(bonfire) in honor of Reb Shimon.
To reconnect the fire within us to the highest
places!
The fire of Reb
Shimon burns in all of us!!
GEVALDIGGGG!!!
Good Shabbos
Bardichev
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Parsha Talk: Emor
Shemiras Halashon = Shemiras Habris
By "Yosef Hatzadik"
Vayikov ben ha'isha ha'yisroelis es Hashem
vaykalel..... v'shem imo Shelomis bas Divri
l'mateh Dan. (24:11)
It is brought down in various Sefarim that
bris Hamaor
(shemiras habris) is dependent on
Bris Halashon.
Maybe a source can be found in this posuk. Rashi
says that Shlomis bas Divri was the only Jew
that was nichshal in Mitzraim with immorality.
The son that was the fruit of this immoral union
- this breach in Bris
Hamaor, was the one who breached the Bris
Haloshon.
And as Rabbi Twerski once sent us:
There are many people who are desperate and say
that they would do anything to
be free of the compulsion. Here is something
that will indeed take much effort, but if one is
really ready to do anything,
this can help greatly:
WATCH YOUR SPEECH! Be
meticulous in avoiding ALL lashon
hara (defamatory
talk), any untruth, and any coarse language.
In order to know what proper speech is and
what is forbidden, avail yourself of the
Chafetz Chaim's "Guard
Your Tongue."
This may seem simple, but it really takes
great effort, because we are in the habit of
talking without giving much thought to what
we say. To become conscious and watchful of
speech is anything but simple, but if one is
really interested in being free of sexual
compulsions, this can be of great help.
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Two Great Links
An article about Lag Ba'Omer and "Leading
through our Weaknesses"
By
Benyamin Bresinger of Project Pride
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A Shiur From Rabbi Nissin Kaplan
We got the following e-mail from someone:
I was listening to a shiur from Rabbi Nissin
Kaplan (from Kolhashiurim.com) on this week's
Parshas Emor, and he mentioned a shmuz from Rav
Chaim Shmuelevitz ZT"L (5731-13) that is very
relevant to our struggle. (I think
the relevant part is around 1/2 hour into the
talk, when he discusses the
"Mekoshesh
Eitzim").
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Daily Dose of Dov
Dov
is sober in SA for over 13 years. See his story
here.
Dressing our struggle in the Chaluka d'Rabonnon
The reason that I hang on to the idea that the Problem
is not a
primarily a religious one is partially because that was my experience.
So I accept that yours may be very different.
But that's not the only
reason. I have also seen so many people prefer to slog
through this mess and (unnecessarily) drag their poor
families through it as well, all "for the sake of
Hashem". Please bear with me. I do not doubt their
holiness and the purity of their intentions, as I made
the same mistake for years and remember it all too well.
I have come to believe that the overwhelming majority of
sweet, frum yidden who do have
what you might
call the "full-blown addiction" to lust, spend precious
years or decades struggling with it painfully, as though
they were normal; as though they just need to get "good"
enough, and they'll stop! They desperately and innocently apply
a chulent of basic Torah concepts, pop-psychology, and
mussar to their mental, physical and spiritual problem
called 'Addiction'. As a result, many develop deep
emunah problems after years of falling flat on their
faces. We go on hiding our shame ever more deeply, and
eventually even drag our wives, children, and sometimes
even our community, through absolute gehenom.
Based on this, there is
no question in my own mind that the normal rules and
attitudes of shmiras haBris, sexuality and tzniyus do
not do them much use. I applied them to my struggle -
and so did most of the well-meaning Rebbis and
psychologists that I saw over the years. It didn't work
and only gave me more pain to cover up and run from. I
got worse
as I got more medakdeik
in mitzvos and
more active in kiruv
(of others).
Who knew there was
another, simple option? It all seemed so complex.
When I began accepting
the attitudes in "AA": I got sober, my life began to
mend and my connection with Hashem became much more
relevant and real to me. My yiddishkeit then slowly
began to get repaired, and with it, my relations with
others began to become more fun and bear fruit. Though I
am no tzaddik, the way I learn and keep
mitzvos connects
me to the Torah that I always knew, better than ever before.
Something was missing before sobriety, while I was still
engaging in fantasy and sex-with-self (M*). True
Bechirah has been increasing in my life, ever since.
So, even though I agree
that religious considerations brought the
overwhelming majority of us here to GYE, I prefer to
believe that some of us know in our hearts that we
cannot dress our struggle in the chaluka
d'rabonnon forever.
Something is destroying our lives, and we can't seem to
dislodge it.
One day I finally
admitted to myself that even were I to c"v give in to all my
desires completely -
I still would not find freedom. It would only destroy.
It was all taking, no giving, and it left no room for
anyone else's life in mine. I came to see that the lust
I had would make living any kind
of happy life completely impossible. No more could I lie
to myself that "I was a failure only as
a Jew -
but would be fine as a goy". First of all, I could not "be"
a goy, and second, I'd destroy my life as a goy, too! I
have met many yidden who harbored deep resentment to
yiddishkeit over "trapping" them in this bind "cuz what
I want to do is ossur,
damn it"! They may not speak this out, but the
finger-pointing and the pain is secretly there. Is this
what Hashem wants?
What a relief when they
discover that their problem was never yiddishkeit, at
all! It was always and only: themselves!
Hashem is "off the hook!"
You may disagree
completely - but that's how I see it. Not everybody fits
this picture, to be sure. But to those who see they fail
on a fairly regular basis, break resolution after
resolution, and progressively get worse in their dirty
mishega'as over time, I suggest to consider that they
may be addicts. And if one is an addict, I suggest
considering the 12 steps.
And I couldn't do it
myself - not enough honesty that way, I guess. |
|
|
769. |
Sunday ~ 18 Iyar,
5770 ~ May 2, 2010
Lag Ba'Omer
|
|
In Today's Issue
-
Lag
Ba'Omer: The Final Moments of Rabbi
Shimon's Life
-
Personal
Victory of the Day: The Smallest
Opening
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Lag Ba'Omer
The Final Moments of Rabbi Shimon's Life
On the day that Rabbi Shimon Bar Yochai passed
away, he revealed many great secrets of the
Torah which had been hidden in his heart until
this day. The secrets he revealed can be found
in the "Idra Zuta" in Parshas Ha'azinu. The Idra
Zuta discusses the parallels between the human
body and the corresponding spiritual worlds. It
starts out with the head and moves downwards,
discussing the many different limbs of the body
- and how they parallel the upper worlds.
In the final moments of Rabbi Shimon's life, he
talks about the Yesod - the highest of the high,
and how the connection between the male and
female body is parallel to the Kohen Gadol going
into the Kodesh Hakadoshim once a year.
Here is a rough translation of Rabbi Shimon's
final words on this world:
"And all the desire of the male towards the
female is here (in the Yesod), and it is called
"blessing", because from there goes out blessing
to all the worlds, and they are all blessed.
This place is called "Kodesh", and all the
holiness of the male goes into there, into that
level called "Tzion", which is then called "Kodesh
Hakodashim".
And all the 'chasadim' (kindnesses) are drawn
down from the upper head of the male, from the
side of the upper wisdom, and all that blessing
travels through all the limbs of the body until
the place called "Tziva'os" (parallel to the
eggs of the male), and all the 'chasadim' gather
there, and therefore they are called "Tziva'os",
for all the Neshamos above and below come from
there. And those 'chasadim', after they gather
there, empty out into the Yesod, all white -
therefore it is called chesed, and this chesed
(the semen) goes into the Kodesh Hakadoshim, as
it says "for there Hashem commanded the blessing
and life forever"...
Says Rebbe Abba: The holy flame (Rabbi Shimon)
did not finish to say the word "life" and his
words became silent. And I wrote, thinking to
write more, and I did not hear. And I didn't
pick up my head, for the light was very great
and we could not gaze. And we shook as we heard
a Bas-Kol say "Orech Yomim U'shnos Chaim etc..."
And that whole day, a fire surrounded the house
and no one could come close to Rabbi Shimon, for
the light and fire surrounded him the whole day.
And we fell on the ground and cried.
After the fire had left, we saw that the holy
flame, the Kodesh Hakadoshim (Rabbi Shimon) had
passed from this world. He was wrapped in a
Tallis, lying on his right side, and his face
was smiling...
How does this relate to our struggle?
Rabbi Shimon reserved the deepest and holiest
of all secrets for the very end... And what
were those secrets? The parallel between the
intercourse of man and woman to the highest of
the high, to the Kohen Gadol going into the
Kodesh Hakadoshim on Yom Kippur!
There is nothing in the world that can bring us
higher than the Yesod. What we experience on
this world is but a shadow of a reflection of
the holy parallels in the upper worlds.
By being
Mekadesh our Yesod, we can reach the
highest levels of Kedusha - like the Kohen Gadol
on Yom Kippur entering the Kodesh Hakodoshim!
May the zechus of the holy flame, Rabbi Shimon,
be a Meilitz Yosher for all of us, to help us be
Mekadesh ourselves above and below, particularly
on this day of Lag Ba'Omer where the Idra Zuta
says: "Many
Prosecuting (Angels) are silenced on this day in
your (Rabbi Shimon's) merit".
The real meaning of Yesod is "connection". As we
prepare to enter the week of Yesod (beginning
Tuesday night), may we all be zoche to achieve
true kedusha and "connection" with Hashem.
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Personal Victory of the Day
The Smallest Opening
Posted by "Eye.nonymous" on the forum
I've had this gnawing feeling for a few days
now.
I remembered a
non-Jewish acquaintance of the opposite gender
from the distant past... Barely an
acquaintance.
I started having
all these thoughts, justifying a simple little
E-mail.
I'll just mention
the one thought I had that out-does them all:
"If you've got
such a strong feeling for this, maybe she's in
serious danger! Maybe she's on the verge of
suicide! A frum yid with a Torah perspective is
exactly what she needs right now! I've got a
Divine imperative to find out how she's doing.
Maybe you're the only one in the world right now
that can save her life!"
I even started
writing a little E-mail.
As I wrote, I
realized there was nothing I could write that
didn't make me feel stupid for writing it.
Then, I was
thinking, "I'm trying to hide this from my wife
- it CAN'T be the right thing to do!" LISTEN TO
YOURSELF!
And, "What's the
point? What the heck am I expecting to
accomplish with this?"
And, "If it's
such a mitzvah to reach out to old
acquaintances, aren't there plenty of male
acquaintances to track down? How come I never
think of writing to
them?
This must really be LUST!"
And, "Isn't it
really weird if a married religious man is
hunting down a shiksa? Won't even
SHE
think it's weird?!"
And, "Can I face
my wife if I go through with this?" It's not
innocent.
Please Hashem,
save me from this lust.
Later "Eye.nonymous" writes:
I was thinking about this girl. WHY do I want
to contact her? There's no chance it would lead
to anything anyway, good OR bad!
Then, I was
thinking. Hashem tells us to do Teshuva and to
make an opening the size of a needle and He'll
make it as big as a palace entrance.
I think the
Yeitzer hara works the same way.
ANY opening will
do!
So the one that
looks the most absurd and the most innocent -
THAT'S an opening we'll willingly make. It looks
so innocent that we'll even think G-d himself is
rooting for us!
And, once we've
made an opening, NO MATTER WHAT IT IS, it may be
just a matter of time before the yeitzer has us
doing what we once thought was unthinkable.
But it starts
with something that WE DON'T UNDERSTAND WHY WE
WANT TO DO IT, AND WE CAN'T EVEN FIGURE OUT
WHAT'S WRONG WITH IT!
Without thinking,
we would say,
"doesn't seem so bad, might as well."
But the truth is, there's no logic to it, and
it ISN'T SO INNOCENT.
It's a tiny
opening, an eye of a needle, for the yeitzer.
SO BEWARE.
And what's
greater, doing aveiras or doing Teshuva?
So by the same
token, the
tiniest opening for Teshuva, NO MATTER HOW SMALL
AND NO MATTER HOW SEEMINGLY ABSURD AND USELESS,
is an opening nonetheless. It just may
be a matter of time before we notice a
difference, but every little bit of Teshuvah
surely makes a big difference!
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|
|
770. |
Monday ~ 19 Iyar,
5770 ~ May 3, 2010
|
|
In Today's Issue
-
Announcement 1: Forum down
temporarily
-
Announcement 1: Zeva's Group +
Testionial
-
Attitude
Tip of the Day: Be your own fan!
-
Torah
Quote of the Day:
Molten G-ds
-
Testimonial of the Day: My wife's
change of heart
-
Daily Dose
of Dov: Even the most horrible rotten
stuff ever!
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Announcement 1
Forum Down
Temporarily
We apologize that our forum is currently down
due to a virus. We are cleaning it out, and
while it's down we are also upgrading the forum
to a newer and better version of SMF 2.0 with
many new features. We thank you for your
patience and we hope that the forum will be back
up and running shortly.
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Announcement 2
Zeva's Group +
Testimonial
Zeva's phone conference is beginning a new cycle
shortly. For more information, see
this page. Sign up today for real clinical
treatment!
Yehudah F, a big Talmid Chacham from a renowned
family, sent a testimonial recently about Zeva's
phone group:
"I would like to share with those that may be
suffering from some form of sexual addiction.
One of the main difficulties in dealing with
this issue is the problem of not having with
whom to share this private information.
Being part of Zeva's group once a week, has
opened up a window of opportunity which would
have not been possible otherwise. The chance to
be able to share with other men who are
struggling with the same issue has been a source
of relief for me. In addition, by having a
professional like Zeva who has exerted her
efforts into sexual addiction with extreme
professionalism, patience and broad knowledge of
human nature, had made this group into a real
learning experience.
Many skills are taught by Zeva, based on the
teachings of Patrick Carnes, along with DBT
skills which have taught me such important
skills in regards to having better relationships
with people.
I implore those who may be struggling to take
this opportunity and maybe you can also find
some relief. The
benefits can be big. Zeva charges a nominal fee
of $20 per time (commitment of 10 weeks)."
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Attitude
Tip of the Day
Be your own fan!
"TrueRatzon" posted on the forum recently:
The fear of falling in the future often inhibits
us from trying our best. But it occurred to me
that the only reason I might fall is if I
allow myself to fall. Nobody else will
cause me to fall, nobody else can prove my inner
desires futile, except for me.
So I feel that
everyday I need to strongly remind myself that
it's all up to me. I need to do an action every
single day that will maintain my resolve to
fight and keep growing every day because it's
been eight years of fighting, and ever since
joining GYE, this year has been my most
successful fighting year. So I hope I can
convince myself to always want to keep being
clean and take it one day at a time.
Another point of
chizuk is that I am a big baseball fan and I
enjoy listening to WFAN sports radio 66. On the
station recently, they constantly talk about how
the Mets can improve and turn around their
season. I thought to myself, just listen to the
passion of these people on the radio to want to
see their team win and keep improving. If only I
could be my own fan and inject myself with good
advice and motivation on a daily basis - and
want myself to win, just as these fans want
their team to win so dearly.
My plan is to
post on this forum everyday and try to maintain
my personal chizuk and give chizuk to others as
well.
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Torah Quote of the Day
Molten G-d's
Zohar, Vayikra, 84A
"We have learned that it is forbidden for a man
to gaze at the beauty of a woman lest evil
thoughts be provoked in him and he be incited to
something worse. When Rabbi Shimon had to walk
through the town, followed by his companions,
when he came to a place where beautiful women
were apt to be found, he would lower his eyes
and say to them, 'Do not stray (after their
gods!)' For whoever gazes at the beauty of a
woman by day will have sinful thoughts at night.
And if these thoughts overcome him, he
transgresses the commandment, 'You shall not
make for yourselves molten gods.'
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Testimonial of the Day
My Wife's Change of Heart
By "Yidster"
I would to give a big thank you to GYE.
Last week my wife
saw the delete history box open on the computer
and she asked me if I have been watching stuff
again and I told her point blank about my
addiction (P..n) and that it has been going on
for years.... She was shocked beyond words. She
could not understand how someone like me could
be watching this stuff, "I am supposed to be
good... everyone knows that"... bla bla bla...
And of course, I did not blame her for being mad
at me, I tried to explain that I tried stopping
many times and that I have been going to SA
meetings and that there are other nice frum
people who suffer from this....
Well, she did not talk to me for three days. I
told her about the GYE website and she went to
check it out and she saw my account was logged
in so she checked out everything that I
posted.... She then told me that she would do
whatever she can to help me. When I asked her
"what happened? Why the change of heart?", she
told me that she read my posts and she now sees
where I am coming from. She saw me pouring my
heart out for help and she saw that I was
sincere and really wanted to change...
This past week we have been extremely close. I
am going for 90 meetings in 90 days, and she
went to two S-anon (support group for wives)
meetings this week. B"H I see a much brighter
future coming.
Had I not found
GYE and posted my feelings, I don't know if my
wife would have believed me or trusted me.
Chevra, keep
strong - and as they say in SA, "IT WORKS IF YOU
WORK IT". Don't just count the days but work the
program (what ever program you feel is working
for you) each day, one day at a time.
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Daily Dose of Dov
Dov is sober in SA for over 13 years. See his
story
here.
Even the most horrible rotten stuff
ever!
In the very depths of our losing and
weakness, Hashem still sees us with love -
otherwise, how do any of us ever get His
help to get clean? True, some out there fear
to say this stuff because to them, admitting
this fact sounds like it's really OK to do
horrible aveiros. Nothing could be farther
from the truth. But nobody would ever
get the help to do teshuva if Hashem really
hated us for doing rotten stuff. And that
has to include even the most horrible rotten
stuff ever, or it includes nothing at all.
That's why so
many of us shrink from taking that actual step
into recovery (or teshuva, if you want to see it
that way). We say in our hearts, "yeah, yeah,
Hashem forgives and treats sinners nicely - but
I'm different." or "...not the stuff
that I did
because I'm a talmid chochom and should have
known better, so it's worse!", or "If they saw
what I did,
they'd never say He still wants
me..." And other lies.
He desires us and
loves us even while we stomp on His Will, on our
families, and on ourselves. And He helps us get
right, if we only let Him.
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|
|
771. |
Tuesday ~ 20 Iyar,
5770 ~ May 4, 2010
|
|
In Today's Issue
-
Announcement 1: Our forum will be
back up soon, be"H!
-
Announcement 2: Zeva's Group +
Another Great Testimonial
-
Quote of
the Day: Feeling Alone?
-
Battle
Communication:
How to
Avoid Freefall
-
Practical
Tips of the Day: Humbling Yourself
-
Daily Dose
of Dov:
How will
she ever trust me again?
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Announcement 1
Our forum will be
back up soon, Be"H, new and improved!
Our forum has been down for almost two days due
to a virus, which had to be cleaned out - as
well as an upgrade. There were various issues
that kept cropping up, but thankfully they were
all resolved. We are hopeful that the forum will
be back up and running tonight at approximately
midnight (EST),
in honor of the start of the week of YESOD!
We apologize for the downtime.
If you are experiencing withdrawal, you are
probably addicted to GYE and may need to join a
GA group (Guardyoureyes Anon :-)
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Announcement 2
Zeva's Group +
Another
Great Testimonial
Zeva's phone conference is beginning a new cycle
shortly. For more information, see
this page. Sign up today for real clinical
treatment!
Ari F. is a big Talmid Chacham from a very
prestigious and large family. He started on
Zeva's call last year Sukkos time. Besides for
being a sex addict, he was also in debt due to
his womanizing behaviors, and a very bad
alcoholic and a smoker. He spoke about getting
"smashed" on Shabbos especially in shul. When he
first came on the calls, he boasted in shares
how he literally had fist fights with other
congregants and saw it as
their
problem.
In the group, he took a 180 degree change. He
stopped the drinking and even the smoking. His
relationship with his wife got better, and he
stopped his internet addiction and sexual
thinking. As the sex addiction went down, his
finances improved as well. Here is what Ari
wrote recently to us:
"Dear GuardYourEyes,
Before I found
your site, I was really struggling with sexual
addiction in the form of sexualizing women.
Every woman I came into contact with was not a
human being in my mind, but a sex object. As I
was talking to them, I was imagining being with
them in my mind. It was out of control and I was
very ashamed to be this way. Hashem heard my
prayers and directed me by "chance" to your
site. I contacted Elya who told me to come on to
a Tuesday night meeting with Zeva. This, I have
to tell you, was my biggest blessing ever. I
immediately got hooked by being involved in the
meeting. Zeva is an expert in a therapy called
DBT. By following her, I actually got in touch
with the debts of my personality and I was able
to not only purge myself of this sexual
addiction, but as we progressed, I learned that
the reason for the addiction was because of many
other glitches in my personality which I picked
up just going through life, from early
childhood. It was so therapeutic for me to get
in touch with my inner child and make amends
with things that were bothering me
subconsciously. I tried the 12 steps but never
really connected with it for some reason. For
me, this DBT meeting with Zeva was almost like
being born again. I really would encourage
everyone with this addiction to give it a try."
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Quote of
the Day
Feeling Alone?
By "Yosef Hatzadik"
If you are feeling "alone"...
and you don't
notice the one that
is with you in alone...
... then try to
remember that the letters of alone
also spell a-loan
Your soul is only
yours on loan
One day, you will
yet have to return the loan.
And if it is an
interest bearing loan...
Remember how the
Torah compares interest to a snake bite...
From a bite all
the way down at the ankle, the venom enters &
begins to spread, carried by the bloodstream
throughout the victim's body.
Just a 'little'
bit of internet venom will spread quickly &
infect the body & soul.
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Battle Communication
How to Avoid Freefall
By "Commando"
Sometimes a fall can lead to freefall. Freefall
is worse than falling. It's falling fast, out of
control. Like falling 3 nights in a row after a
long upwards climb.
Every fighter
needs to learn how to fall. Over the years I
learned how to prevent a freefall, and here are
my tips. Obviously what works for me may not
work for you, so make
sure never to
fall in the first place!
1) After a fall,
it's very natural to be super emotional, either
sad, depressed, or angry. With all those
emotions (and changed brain chemicals resulting
from the fall), that's the worse time to think
about your fall or what caused your fall. Just
chill out and try to get through your day
without self-criticism. In a few days you can
analyze the fall, be self-critical, and make any
additional changes/safeguards in your life. But
not now. For the same reason, don't have any
critical discussions with a friend/spouse/date,
or make any important life decisions. After one
or two nights of good sleep you'll be back to
your usual self.
2) If you're
feeling remorse, spend a little time on
heartfelt Teshuva. And Mikva and the Tikkun
Haklali, if you do that. But don't spend the
whole day on Teshuva, it will drag you down
emotionally even more than you already are.
You'll have time for complete Teshuva another
day.
3) Because you
just fell, you're at your most vulnerable stage.
The Yetzer Horah will try to make you fall again
immediately, convincing you that your fight is
hopeless, or to "get in one last cookie before
the diet starts again". Tell him that you'll
listen to him tomorrow, but not today. (When
tomorrow arrives, you'll be feeling better and
stronger. And even if you do fall tomorrow, it's
still 100 times better than falling today). The
Gemorah says, "If I ate Garlic and have a bad
smell, should I eat more Garlic and smell for
longer?".
4) Congratulate
yourself on your past successes. And learning
how to fall may be as valuable a skill as
learning
not to fall, so today you're also making
progress.
5) If you're in
freefall already, remember that Hashem is always
with you, even in your sins. And don't forget
to open your parachute!
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Practical Tips of the Day
Humbling Yourself
By "DovInIsrael"
When I am in the midst of a battle, I need
simple stuff to humble me and put me back
on-track. Try
cleaning your toilet (really),
or if you're outside, pick up some garbage
off the street.
If your
Yetzer Hara does not have a strong grip on
you (yet), try changing your thoughts. The
mind can only think of one thing at a
time... Keep a "happy" image in your mind
and switch images.
If you are
getting irritated by your kids, let them
know you are getting irritated and if they
don't stop IT - the funny man with triangle
ears will come out and chase them around the
house - and turn them into frogs if he
catches them (and then squat down and hold
onto your ears with elbows sticking out -
and chase the kids around the house...
making loud funny noises)... It breaks the
tension - and lets everyone know you are
really CRAZY!!!
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Daily Dose of Dov
Dov is sober in SA for over 13 years. See his
story
here.
How will she ever trust me again?
We often hear wives ask their addict husbands,
"how will I ever trust you again?" and the
answer is really that the trust may never come,
but if
it does, it will be her own choice
and not because her husband convinced her
to trust him. He knows that game
of sympathy and proving his 'good-ness' is over.
It was all quiet manipulation.
Now the choice of trust will
not come
from her 'getting the feel' that he is finally a
kadosh; nor from seeing that he has become less
demanding in the bedroom, nor because he finally
really seems to be so careful in avoiding
triggers. No way. All that will always fail as a
barometer. I know in my heart that I am not ever
to be trusted with my own attractions - I am
ever more sensitive to lust, not less.
This is not guilt nor a madreiga, nor a screwed
up shittah: it's just what I experience.
Thinking that I am 'stronger' is the single
mistake that I have seen guys make that ruins
everything - usually leading to greater pain
than ever. Because they are not stronger,
and they need not aspire to be.
Rather, the trust comes (if she
chooses to trust him) from seeing her husband
being a reliable father, husband, and worker.
He's generally where he
says he'll be when he
says he'll be there, tells the truth about
everything even though it neither makes him look
like a tzaddik nor a rasha, and is generally
healthy in
every department of life other than
his addiction. That's the only way.
Having all sorts of fences against lust will
never prove a thing at all to anyone - even to
the addict himself/herself - because the adage "ein
apotropos l'arayos" is
talking about normal people! For an addict it's
just a silly understatement, and to me it seems
the reason is this: For me, an addict, it's not
about arayos. At least, not once we are
addicted... It's about our survival. When lust
enters, I think the addict acts out because of
the survival instinct, nothing less. He or she
is just doing what their whole heart and mind
deems absolutely necessary to
survive. And survival trumps
everything, and should! Many
normals would not think twice about betraying
our spouses or neglecting our kids to save our
very lives right now. It's not a simple moral
choice and shouldn't be looked at that way, in
my opinion. That's why most normal thinking is
useless to me in addiction (and perhaps even more useless
for perverts very early-on in their recovery).
And that's why healthy thinking, heartfelt
advice, encouragement, mussar and ruchniyus will
not work for most addicts I know, in the end.
They will fall - to survival. Who wouldn't?
Telling them that lust won't help them survive
is just plain gibberrish, and in their guts they
"know" that! (Ever try arguing with a gut?)
That's how I see it. That's why generally only addicts can
help addicts. It's not about sympathy, but about
empathy. And with it comes a more realistic view
of the absence of trust when it
comes to the addiction itself (i.e. not
trusting ourselves with lust).
I do not fear to go into a subway, but I'd
rather not go. A recovering aklie should
probably not fear going into a bar, either. It's
never about deciding whether I can trust myself
in there yet, but about surrendering and letting
G-d take care of me now, wherever I am. If I go into
a dangerous situation because I want
to, that
proves I am not surrendering, period! It's all
over, whether I act out now or not. The
self-serving will get me in the end, guaranteed,
and I'll act out soon.
If you're in a difficult situation, it's Hashem
who put you there. It's not your doing. So just
let go and let Him care for you.
|
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|
772. |
Wednesday ~ 21
Iyar, 5770 ~ May 5, 2010
|
|
In Today's Issue
-
Announcement: The forum is back - new
and improved!
-
Battle
Communication:
"I refuse to let myself drown"
-
Personal
Victory of the Day: The rewiring is
REAL
-
Therapy
Tip of the Day:
Exposure Response Prevention (ERP)
-
Daily Dose
of Dov:
Wives don't generally understand - and
that's good.
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Announcement
In honor of the week of Yesod...
Our Forum
is back up, new
and improved!
As you may or may not know, our site has
been amongst the hundreds and thousands of
sites that got targeted by a virus that was
circulating internet forums and Wordpress
blogs last week. We thank you all for your
patience during the past few days when the
forum was offline while we dealt with the
issue.
Needing to replace all the files anyway, we took
this opportunity to update the site with the
latest software, SMF 2.0 RC2, and we hope you
enjoy the new look and feel!To get the forum back up and running with
minimum downtime, we decided to temporarily host
it on a secondary server. In the meantime
though, we continue to do work on our own
server, and when things are completely sorted
out over there, we'll move the forum over to
guardyoureyes.
We hope the forum will soon have a new address
www.guardyoureyes.org/forum
The Hebrew forum is currently at
www.guardyoureyes.org/forumheb
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Battle Communication
"I refuse to
let myself drown"
Posted by "Rage" on
the forum
While the GYE forum was down this week, I
was talking to my GYE friends off-site and I
was telling them that I felt it was time for
me to go... The repeated falls were making
me believe it's hopeless... But certain
events have transpired which gave me reason
to believe the famous words that "efshar,
efshar, efshar letakain".... I refuse to let
myself drown, so I am here...
I realized that I was getting seriously
depressed after each fall and that the
depression and despair that came out of that
was defeating me even more than the lust
itself. What I needed was some victories...
I needed some wins to get the winning streak
going... So I've accepted upon myself that
no matter what, no matter who, no matter
when, I will not look at porn... Porn is my
red-line... Even if I act out, it cannot be
with external stimulation... My hope is to
make progress against lust... And hopefully
in a few days or weeks I can up my red-line
to no acting out at all... For me, this
wasn't an easy thing for me to accept... On
one hand, this seems to violate the rule
that we are allergic to lust and cannot have
any of it.... It violates the principle that
half measures avail us nothing... But I
think the key that I am focusing on is
taking progressive victories over lust, and
making each day better than the last - so
that the momentum is going in the right
direction....
Meanwhile, I will work the 12 steps... A guy
from my group gave me a book that is sort of
interactive, called "Working the Steps"... I
will start working them as I plow ahead, so
that I can be in a place real soon where I
can see some sobriety that lasts...
Another thought... I realized that for me,
getting going in the right direction was
only possible through having a support group
around me. When I first landed on this
forum, I was surrounded by so much support
that I was able to catapult into sobriety
for over 100 days... But when these old
timers slowly left the forum, I lost my
support and had a hard time staying sober...
Then I started going to SA meetings and the
support of the good REAL folks there... man,
those guys are REAL... they helped me stay
sober. But on days when there were no
meetings, I had no support and I couldn't
get by... So the most important thing that
someone starting up can do, is to get
support... Whether it's through making
connections here on the forum or getting a
good sponsor or going to meetings, you MUST
get support early... In that vain, I've
taken some phone numbers of people here on
the forum and from my SA group, to reach out
to and chat with when things are good and
when thing are rough...
Viva La Revolucion!!
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Personal Victory of the Day
The rewiring is REAL
Posted by "Briut" on
the forum
Welcome back everyone. Thanks to Guard & his
platoon for the restoration of the forum.
I want to
share two events from when the site was
down.
The first
event: a dream where I was watching a movie,
late at night. And in the dream, my hand
started to slip down. And while still
dreaming, I actually told myself, "NO!
You'll mess up all the rewiring taking
place. Pull away; walk around for 15 minutes
and see." At which point I woke up! AND, I
realized I'd pulled my hand back in real
life, too. LESSON: THIS REWIRING IS HITTING
MY DREAM STATE, NOT JUST REAL LIFE. Whoa.
The second
case was scarier. In real life, I innocently
found myself face-to-face with my biggest
(lust) fantasy of my life. (I won't even
describe it.) Decades in my imagination -
and about to happen, I'm convinced. But I
won't know, because I BACKED OFF. I THOUGHT
TO MYSELF, "THIS MUST BE THE YETZER HARA
PULLING OUT ALL THE STOPS. THE TIMING IS
JUST TOO WEIRD. BUT I KNOW HASHEM WANTS
SOMETHING DIFFERENT. IT'LL BE BETTER.
NOTHING GOOD WILL COME OF THIS." And I
backed away.
So, last week
I avoided some inappropriate web pages. This
week I avoided acting out in dreams, too.
Monday, I said no to a real person. I'm on
GYE 4 months, and I'm starting to see that
the rewiring in my mind is REAL.
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Therapy
Tip of the Day
Exposure Response
Prevention (ERP)
adopted for Pornography Addiction
By "Feedtherightwolf"
When I first realized that I had pornography
addiction about 3 years ago, I struggled for
about a little over a year to overcome it on my
own. I was very poor and couldn't afford the
treatment, neither was I ready to admit to
another human being the nature of my problem.
So I tried to read the free books that I could
find in the library, which dealt with other
addictions. I picked up a very good book, called
"Kill the Craving" and I modified a technique
largely taken from this book called Exposure
Response Prevention of ERP. This techniques was
design to help people with Obsessive Compulsive
Disorder , but it worked wonders for me, and was
very useful in getting over the first 30 days.
I do not claim this "system" to be the solution.
It will not substitute 12 step and other healthy
changes in the lifestyle, nevertheless I believe
(and I could be wrong) it can be very beneficial
for people in early recovery.
I've made a video in which I tried to outline
the basics of this "system" in the most
efficient manner I could manage. I wanted to
share it here.
I do not know if this will be helpful to
anybody, and would
appreciate the feedback.
If you think it is helpful, and you think
somebody can benefit from it, please feel free
to pass it on.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Disclaimer:
The author of the
above is not religious. We had someone check
though, and the movie is 100% Kosher. However,
be warned that for one of the exercises he
advises seeing a triggering image or trigger
ourselves mentally in order to measure the
physical response our body has, and to learn how
to appropriately address it. GYE does not
condone this. Please "Skip" this exercise. Thank
you :-)
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Daily Dose of Dov
Dov is sober in SA for over 13 years. See his
story
here.
Wives don't generally understand - and that's
good.
My wife doesn't understand how smart it
can seem
to me to chase lust! And she probably can never,
either. That's probably a good thing.
Though acting on lust is
probably the very stupidest thing I can ever do
in any situation - and makes life's troubles worse,
never better, I remember that whenever I have
ever wanted to act out it seems like the most
important thing for me to do at that moment. I
really seem to need it.
If I really feel I need it
then it must mean that at some level I believe
it is in my very best interest, no?
I came to see it
this way because of what Rav Noach zt"l taught
me, that nobody - even the PLO (his example)
- intends to be evil and "do bad stuff". They
all have some crazy cheshbon as to why their
hearts are swayed to do these horrible acts. I
guess that I work that way, too.
This is the power of lust in an addict. And I
believe it's good that my wife doesn't truly
understand how powerful lust can be in my brain,
cuz then she'd realize that even
she is
totally powerless over it and freak out, I
guess.
My wife means well, but she is a human being and
we all have the right to protect ourselves from
pain. She might react to an understanding of how
powerless I am over lust by thinking, "hey, this
poor guy may run off with another woman if she's
pretty enough...I'd better deck myself out real
good, lose some weight, wear the right makeup
and get a better shaitel, etc. More than that,
I'd better play into his every desire in
order to keep him happy at home.
I owe it to myself and
my kids!"
For a normal
person with strong desires this thinking may be
right on, and may
work just fine!
I wish them all the best. Really.
But it does not
work for any lust addict I know. (I know this
sounds a bit like "the more you feed it the more
you need it" concept, but it isn't necessarily
the same, but that's another discussion.) A lust
addict cannot be satisfied with lust behavior.
In lust, he craves a connection that can't be
matched by any wife for more than a little
while. She simply cannot compete. When she
tries, she becomes addicted to her addict.
That's called codependency and leads to hell on
earth. (Spouses of addicts have S-Anon for this
reason and others.) As he grows ever less
satisfied, she twists her brains into a knot
to
keep her power over him and
tries harder to please - chasing her own lie
that she has the power to keep her man. Being an
addict, he does what addicts do,
and acts
out anyway.
She figures it's partially (or maybe totally)
her fault, and sees him as the proof of her
failure as a woman, wife, and as a Jewess. It
leads her to hate him and still be
unable to let go of her burden! Not a pretty
picture.
In the meantime,
his acting out inevitably gets drawn to a higher level
by the unhealthy relationship he feels that he
'won' at home. Finding that his wife didn't work
for him after all, he feels he must push the
boundaries even further either
at home or elsewhere just to feel OK. He also
begins to doubt that he will ever get
satisfaction at home...
At least one Rav
(and one shrink indirectly) told me that the
solution was more effort on the part of my wife to
please me. They did not know what animal they
were dealing with...
In recovery, all
these lies get exploded slowly (or
quickly).
Then things slowly get better, and hopefully
satisfaction in the right-sized relationship
slowly becomes a reality to both parties.
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|
|
773. |
Thursday ~ 22 Iyar,
5770 ~ May 6, 2010
|
|
In Today's Issue
-
Announcement: Our partner system is
back up!
-
Personal
Victory of the Day: No Choice but to
Fall
-
Attitude
Tip of the Day:
Just worry about today!
-
Daily Dose
of Dov:
Recovery can't mean just "not acting out"
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Announcement
In honor of the week of Yesod...
Our partner
system is back up!
For the last 2 months or so, our "Partner Gabai"
was on leave. We apologize to anyone who may
have been waiting for a partner and received no
response. B"H we found someone new to take over
this task.
If you don't have a partner yet, please
follow the instructions on
this page.
Having a partner to keep in touch with by phone,
chat or e-mail, is very important in helping us
"get out of isolation" and helps provides
accountability and an incentive to stay strong
for each others sake.
As the Tzetel Katan of the
great Chassidic master, R' Elimelech of Lizentzk
states:
One should relate before one's teacher, who
instructs him in the way of HaShem, or even
before a good friend, all of one's
thoughts that are contrary to the Holy Torah
that the Yetzer HaRah causes to arise in his
mind or heart. [Whether they occur] when he is
learning Torah, praying, sitting in his bed, or
during the day. And one should not withhold
anything because of shame. He will find that
by relating these things, he will gain the power
to break the strength of the Yetzer HaRah so
that it will no longer be able to overcome him
other times. This is in addition to the good
advice that he will receive from his friend in
the ways of Hashem. And this is a wonderful
remedy.
We see from the
above, that simply relating ones struggles to a
friend or mentor has the power to break the
strength of the Yetzer Hara.
Aside from the
fact that the very act of talking it out already
lessens the struggle, the main purpose of a
partner is that it introduces the vital element
of "accountability" into the equation. As Rav
Yochanan Ben Zakai blessed his students, "May
your fear of heaven be equal to your fear of
man". And his students asked him: "Rebbe, is
that all?". And he answered: "Halevai!".
For more on the
importance of "Accountability" in this struggle,
see tool #9 of
the GYE handbook.
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Personal Victory of the Day
No Choice but to Fall
Posted by "Truth 11"
Just wanted to share a quick story. Last night I
was coming home on the train, it was pretty late
and there were all of these drunks coming home
from parties and such, and of course everyone
was dressed very immodestly. Out of nowhere, I
felt mamash trapped in the good ol' desires. I
tried shaking it off as hard as possible, and
the harder I tried, the more I was falling...
fast. I literally was trying everything I could.
I even took a longer path home to free my mind a
bit. But as addicts, we all know that once the
desire comes, you need to have the right tools
to deal with it. Anyways, I was panicking,
because it's been about 2 weeks clean now and I
really felt that I had been on a roll. I was
thinking in my head - "ok, why do I need this to
feel better, what is this really going to help
me for?" Yet, still these thoughts weren't going
away.
Honestly, for the
first time in my life, I felt absolutely
trapped... It felt as if I had no choice but to
fall, zero. Since I recently joined this site, I
could only think of one thing to do. Surrender.
I closed my eyes, and said, "Hashem, I have
absolutely no freedom right now, I hate this and
I don't want this at all, get rid of this from
me now, because you are the only One that can
help me get through this. Please, please don't
leave me here, I am trying so hard and I am
nothing without you".
To make a short story long, I got out of the
subway, my head cleared, and I went to sleep
smiling and so happy that Hashem gave me new
life. Here I am beginning my 3rd week clean
since joining this site, planning to take it one
day at a time, progressively trying to surrender
myself to Hashem. Thanks for all the great
advice.
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Attitude Tip of the Day
Just worry about today!
By "StrugglingYid"
I had been able to stop Mast**ing about 5 years
ago. I do not remember when, but I think about a
year and a half after stopping, I had a fall.
Now here I was on this great streak, and BAM!
My first thought was, "how can I face this and
keep this up? Will I be able to go another year
and a half again? It seems so long just to match
my previous best." Then I realized that I don't
really care that much for such thoughts. Why do
I have to worry about matching my streak? Just
worry about today! What will be tomorrow is
unknown.
And I'm glad to say, that since then I have not
fallen again. Each moment and each day is a
Simcha, it is a moment of freedom. Don't get
down over the fall, it just ain't worth it; not
when today and tomorrow can be so much better.
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Daily Dose of Dov
Dov is sober in SA for over 13 years. See his
story
here.
Recovery can't mean just "not acting out"
In the groups we have learned, that professing
one has "finally really hit bottom" is silly.
The only time it becomes clear to anyone that a
person has hit
bottom is after they find they have taken real
steps at changing the way they live. That is the
closest thing to any proof to myself that I am
taking my problem seriously. The day I start
living life (in every department
of my life) exactly as I did before - even without any
shred of acting out -
will be the day I sign my death certificate. It
would mean that recovery for me means "not
acting out". That lie was how I never recovered
for decades.
The acting out is a symptom of living a sick
life inside me and outside me, and I need to
change my life, motivation, and behavior, beside
the acting out,
or else I'm doomed to the same slop. We simply
cannot change our clothes while keeping the same
exact body. That's why I instinctively slowly
changed: including the way I spell my name, my
nusach of t'fillah, and other things, to make a
new life for myself from now on. Sounds like the
Rambam's description of Teshuvah, but I don't
care about that Teshuva business - it's not my
affair. Whether
I did Teshuvah or not is Hashem's business. You
see,
intentionally doing
it for "Teshuvah" would mean that I have
succeeded in proving something to myself or
others, and that's a lie. I am still on the same
exact road as before - nothing has changed. I
have not "made it" and I do not consider myself
as having done any shred of Teshuva. (How do you
do Teshuvah for an illness, anyway?)
|
|
|
774. |
Friday ~ 23 Iyar,
5770 ~ May 7, 2010
Erev Shabbos Parshas Be'chukosai
|
|
In Today's Issue
-
Announcement 1:
The Forum Has Landed - Baruch Hashem!
-
Announcement 2:
Mishpacha Mentions GYE Again
-
Parsha Talk - Be'chukosai:
Hashem Loves the Small Steps
-
Attitude Tip of the Day:
The Mystery of Missing Things
-
Daily Dose of Dov 1:
It's not a Marriage Problem
-
Daily Dose of Dov 2:
Don't let it build up!
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Announcement 1
On the auspicious day of
Tiferes
She'bi'Yesod - meaning "The Beauty of
Connection"...
The Forum Has
Landed - Baruch Hashem!
The GuardYourEyes forum has
finally
found what we hope will be it's permanent home
at
www.guardyoureyes.org/forum.
Until now, it was hosted by a friend on
http://rehab-my-site.com, and after the recent
virus and upgrade, it was transferred
temporarily to www.mydumpinggrounds.com. But
last night while everybody in America slept, it
was locked down and successfully transferred to
it's real home at
www.guardyoureyes.org.
There is no better description for the GYE forum
than "The Beauty
of Connection" - which is
Tiferes
She'bi'Yesod.
On the GYE forum, hundreds of Yidden learn
through
the beauty of connection to build trust
with the world, feel accountability, build up
their self-esteem and courage, help others,
connect with others, and most of all -
to get out of
isolation!
Welcome Home
(to the)
Forum!
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Announcement 2
Mishpacha
Mentions GYE Again
We received
a warm mention in this week's Mishpacha
Magazine's Family First.
Click here
to see the
comments from a reader.
(If
the words appear too small to read in your
browser, click on the image to enlarge it)
We were mentioned in Mishpacha 3 months ago
as well.
Click here to see.
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Parsha Talk: B'chukosai:
Hashem Loves the Small Steps
"V'im
beheimah asher yakrivu mimena korban laShem kol
asher yitein mimenu laShem yiyeh kodesh (27:9)
And if an animal which you will bring from it a
sacrifice for Hashem, whatever he shall give
from it to Hashem will be holy."
If someone who is
led by his animalistic desires will decide to
come a bit closer to Hashem,
every little bit
that he will sacrifice for Hashem from his
"animal nature" for Hashem's sake is holy!
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Attitude
Tip of the Day
The Mystery of Missing Things
When the forum was down, "Commando" continued
posting his thoughts on his PC. Once it came
back up he shared this with us:
It's been three nights already since the GYE
forum has mysteriously vanished. When will it be
resurrected? How many people are feeling the
loss? It's midnight and my ramblings become
weird at this hour. I feel like pondering the
mystery of missing things.
Do you know what the first missing thing was in
the whole world? The presence of Hashem. Rabbi
Aryeh Kaplan in his introduction to Kabbalah
"Inner-space" discusses the concept of the
Challal Hapanui, the "Vacated Space" which
Hashem formed before creating the world. The
world at first couldn't be created because
Hashem's essence filled the world leaving no
room for anything else. So Hashem had to
"remove" himself from an area of space before
creating the world. This area of empty space was
called the Challal Hapanui. Most of this empty
space was then filled as Hashem created the
world. But parts of this space still remain
empty. Rabbi Kaplan explains that a person needs
to travel through this empty space when they're
moving spiritually from level to level. He says
that it's a terrifying experience because it
appears that Hashem is not there, and it feels
like total abandonment.
I think we can all relate to this, as going from
one level to the next in sobriety often is
achieved by passing through a dark and empty
feeling for a while...
Hashem tells Avrohom as an introduction to the
Milah, "walk in front of me and be Tamim". Maybe
Hashem was saying that there will be times when
His (Hashem's) presence will appear to be
missing, and in those situations Avrohom should
"walk in front of Hashem" with Temimus (like
when you're walking in front of someone and you
can't see them behind you), even though those
are the most difficult times to be
shomer the bris.
"StrugglingAndStrivingBT" responds:
I read a similar inspirational bit today by
Rabbi Dr. Avraham Twerski. It's an old Baal Shem
Tov parable:
When a father teaches his son to walk, he first
helps the kid stand. Then they begin to take
steps and the father is very close to the
child. As the child masters standing, the
father moves back and the child feels further
from the father. The child then starts walking
towards him, and as he walks, the father steps
further away. While it seems to the child that
he is so far from the father, he is actually now
mastering the means to get to the father, and
simultaneously, the means to walk independently.
Those times that you feel that you feel like
you're in an empty space, Hashem is there, but
He stepped back a bit farther to show you that
you can walk, and He's waiting for you to
walk to Him. Hopefully someday soon, you
can start jogging, and eventually running
towards Him.
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Daily Dose of Dov
Dov is sober in SA for over 13 years. See his
story
here.
It's Not a Marriage Problem
The first shrink we went to after my wife found
out about my acting out (and had decided to
divorce me) said to us: "you do not really have
a marriage problem here. Well, maybe you do, but
overshadowing the entire thing is another
problem: Your husband is a very sick man." Boy I
didn't like that. But it saved our marriage. And
P.S., he
didn't believe in the 12 steps at all and
told me so when I asked him about them a few
months later! I had to find them on my own,
after seeing that I was only getting worse and
worse under his "care" and finally hit bottom
almost a year later.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Don't let it build up!
Someone wrote on the forum:
Today I was in mid town and I don't know how it
is possible to go there! Every woman walking
down the street is another nisayon. Seriously,
it's almost impossible. Help! Thank G-d I have
glasses, so I can take them off, but seriously,
I almost went down today. I made it out alive
and breathing but sheesh, I'm exhausted.
Dov Replies:
There is a fine line between failing at watching
your eyes vs. running
after it.
If I do what I consider "poorly" one day in the
GYE category, I can make calls to admit that,
regain at least some humility and sanity, and
let the garbage slide off my back so that it
does not build up, c"v.
If I don't do
that, then the only alternative is for me to
hold onto it and guard the memories! Letting it
go is much smarter.
On a side note, as an addict, I personally don't
like to use the word "nisayon" (test) when it
comes to lust. When I find myself in a tough
situation, I simply recognize that Hashem
obviously wanted me there, and I try to
surrender and let Hashem take care of me now,
wherever I happen to be.
Yes, through the steps and especially when He
helps me out with lust, my relationship with
Hashem grows, no question. But to me, the term 'nisayon'
implies that I somehow get better or stronger
with respect to lust after "passing" it. That
may be true in a respect - I get a chunk more of
freedom from the bondage of lust, it seems. I
give it less time of day. But my power over
lust - that is, my ability to successfully
control and use it the way normal people do -
that gets weaker, it seems. What I could
get away with a year ago, I cannot even come
near to, today. The honesty has grown, and with
it grows my inability to tolerate my inner liar
or playing with fire.
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|
|
775. |
Sunday ~ 25 Iyar,
5770 ~ May 9, 2010
|
|
In Today's Issue
-
Prevention:
The Real
"Prevention"
-
Quote of the Day:
Your Train
-
Battle Communication:
There's No Happiness Where the Yetzer Hara is
-
Daily Dose of Dov:
"We need to reach out from where we
really
are"
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Prevention
The
Real
"Prevention"
By
"Kutan"
Encouraging people to put in filters and warning
them of the dangers of the internet is good, but
these are just "patches". The real
prevention is something else entirely. After
all, even with filters, our kids (and ourselves)
can still buy an unlimited internet access
cell-phone for just $40 per month (in NY
anyway). And the rates keep coming down.
We can access the
raw web in a gazillion places through more and
more devices (GPS systems, even!)
and its just
going to get worse.
The key to REAL
prevention is:
1) Working on
Middos. That's what 12-Steps do too. They don't
have pep talks lambasting lust or alcohol etc. Instead,
the 12-Steps help you develop the right
attitudes to living life with Hashem.
2) Working on
parenting. In my generation, the kids grew up
mostly like weeds. Which parents spent time
talking to their kids? But today, it is
imperative that parents speak daily to their
kids, be part of their lives, ask how their day
went, etc.
Resources like R' Brezak's parenting line (Project
Kavey... weekly recorded information) and
Dina Freidman's 1 year parenting course (by
phone) - are essential! (Dina
Friedman currently has about 800 mothers per
year. My
wife is taking it now and it is really
beneficial.)
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Quote of
the Day
Your Train
By "Tried123"
Ever been on a train riding directly parallel to
another train?
If your train is
going 98mph and the other train is going
slightly faster, at 99mph...
In relation
to the other train, it will seem as though
your train is actually going backwards.
Lesson: Never
judge yourself based on the progress of others.
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Battle
Communication
There's no Happiness Where the Yetzer Hara is
By "Jack" (Clean for 1.5 years. See his 90 day
time-line
here)
"Ain
simcha b'makom sheyetzer hara sholet
-
there is no happiness in the place that the
Yetzer Hara reigns".
This is brought by the Kitzur Shulchan Aruch in
the halachos of sheva brachos, as a reason for
men to sit separate from women.
I am telling you, I feel so empowered by being
clean, it's like doing Chigung (Chinese energy
creating exercises). And when I get weak and
look at a newspaper, or if I don't guard my eyes
properly in the streets, I literally feel like I
have no strength.
It says by milchemes amalek -
'kaasher yorim moshe es yadav, vigavor yisroel,
vi'chaasher yoniach, vigavor amalek'.
If we lift up our eyes to the holy ideals in the
Torah, we will come out ahead. And if we
succumb, chas v'shalom, we will pay dearly, r"l.
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Daily Dose of Dov
Dov is sober in SA for over 13 years. See his
story
here.
"We need to reach out from where we
really
are"
The Gr"a asks: If we were not "good" in eretz
yisroel with a
beis hamikdash and with nevi'im,
then how in the world are we to ever get
better out of
eretz yisroel andwithoutany
neviim?! A good question, no?
His answer is
that there is just no other way to get better
when we screw up (my phrase), except by
attaching ourselves to a higher level or deeper
relationship with Hashem than we had before we
went wrong. And the only way to do that is by
reaching out of where we
really are, spiritually. Staying in Eretz
Yisrael with a Beis haMikdosh and nevi'im, would
only make us think we are higher than
we really are, and that we need Hashem less than
we really do!
In the very same
way, Adam needed to get sent out of
Gan Eden - he was lower
and had to reach for Hashem from there. Reality is
what we need! There ain't no easy way
out, as the song goes. We need to be made to
face ourselves, somehow, eventually. At least,
that's how I understand his answer. And that's
how I understand the 1st step experience, too.
We are a mess. We
are basically blind, and have puny brains - a
shadow of the real Da'as that is His/Him. Lust
overtakes us, as do our fears, pride, and
resentments. No blame there - it's just the way
it is for many of us. We rarely see farther than
our own wishes and 'rights' and even the
perspective of another human usually
eludes us, let alone that of the Divine. We
rarely even care, really... that's what it means
to be the average human being. Nu. And He loves
us.
I think many of
us (me especially) need hachno'oh (a
broken heart/broken ga'avoh) more than anything
else, for recovery. And through sobriety and
recovery with hachno'oh, our relationships with
our G-d and with fellow man (and spouses) will
become right-sized. Then they will actually
begin to work for
us. The emunah will begin to actually function
the way it is meant to, and the relationships
will actually grow and be fun!
|
|
|
776. |
Monday ~ 26 Iyar,
5770 ~ May 10, 2010
|
|
In Today's Issue
-
Announcement:
Promotional Offer from Zeva
-
Torah Thought of the Day:
Yesod she'b'Yesod
-
Testimonial of the Day:
Mazal Tov to "JIP" for over 100 days clean!
-
Daily Dose of Dov:
Asking for
Help
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Announcement
Promotional Offer from Zeva
Anyone signs up for
Zeva's Group now, will receive a 200 day
free service, letting them take advantage of
cutting edge interactive recovery tools through
recovery zone. They will be able to complete
a "decision table" and get a free daily recovery
schedule tailor made for them individually, that
will include 4 components: Morning meditation,
Daily PCI, Daily/Monitor, and Daily
Dialogs. Using these tools, you can check your
recovery as you fill out your scales. It's a
great tool to use by yourself and/or share with
your sponsor/therapist. The PCI is a Personal
'Craziness' Index; it checks if you are in
balance and if your not, it helps you get there.
Last chance for signing up for Zeva's group
before it starts!
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Torah Thought of the Day
Yesod She'b'Yesod
Today is Yesod Sh'b'Yesod in the Seffirah.
The word Yesod means "Connection". Every
human has an inborn subconscious need for
connection to something "bigger" than
themselves. Often this need is
misinterpreted and we try to fill it with
money, honor and pleasures. See
this cute animated clip from chabad.org.
Those of us who fell into this addiction
developed a conterfeit replacement for this
need by seeking "connection" in lust. We
somehow trained our brains to feel
connection with the images on the screen,
evisioning connection to imaginary
fantasies.
Today, Yesod she'b'Yesod, is the ultimate
day of "connection". Today we can learn to
replace the false and imaginary attempts at
connecting to "nothingness" with the
everlasting connection that our souls
really seek - Hashem.
Hashem is the true source of all beauty, all
pleasure, all good and all light. And the
"G-d hole" that we were all born with in the
very essence of our souls, can only be
filled with the one and only G-d.
Make that connection TODAY!
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Testimonial of the Day
Mazal Tov To "Jew-In-Pain" for over 100 days
clean!
"JIP", as he is known for short, has had a very
painful life. It started when he was molested at
the age of nine. See his painful story on
this page. Here is what "JIP" wrote when he
reached 90 days clean:
90 days! I owe a thank you to everyone for
helping me get here, but the biggest thank you,
of course, goes to Rabbi Guard. I don't know of
anyone in our generation who has created
anything as powerful as Guardyoureyes.I am
totally indebted to you.
I wouldn't have managed without the help of my
fellow members, who gave me constant chizuk &
advice. A special thanks to those who shared
their personal experiences & those who were in
touch with me offline. They gave their time and
concern for a fellow Jew whom they don't know &
most likely never will. That's real chesed shel
emes. You didn't let me down in my darkest days
- and there were many, days when I wished I'd
never been born and was contemplating suicide.
When I first joined this site, I felt like a
young child. I was overwhelmed by what was going
on here and what was going on in my own world.
Everything seemed so far away and foreign.
After a while I changed my mind-set and started
moving; asking questions, getting answers,
arguing about this addiction. At first, I
rejected the "addiction" label. Eventually I
decided, "who
cares what it's called; sickness, struggle,
addiction or any other sweet name? Either way,
it's a blockage in a person's mind, holding him
back from himself and from growing closer to
Hashem".
I would like to share a few things I learned,
which might help others:
1. A
strong filter is imperative. There is no way
to overcome this with open access to all the
dirt on the web.
2. We need a safe
group of friends such as on GYE, where one may
discuss, vent, ask or share with others who
really understand and care.
3. Understand that this addiction is VERY
harmful.Get out as soon as possible!
4. Feel yourself at rock bottom, and understand
that you can no longer afford to fail. Believe
that you can do it!
5. Honestly
analyze yourself and realize that this may
require outside help such as a therapist, an
understanding rabbi, an older friend, etc. In
most cases, this behavior stems from some other
problem within you that caused this addiction.
Guardyoureyes often mentions that it takes 90
days to break a habit. I am not sure how it
works and I really don't care how it
works; all I know is that
it does.
I now have only a very tiny urge to go back to
the old bad stuff such as porn and masturbation.
I no longer see it as "my problem solver"
anymore, and I look back on all the years I was
doing it with disgust.
Does it mean that I am never going to fall back?
Not necessarily, but at least I now have the
will to succeed. I know that in order not to
fall, I need to keep my eyes and mind as clean
as possible.
I have also learned over these three months that
Hashem is in control. Turn to Him whenever you
feel down. He doesn't charge, is within reach
anytime and anywhere. All it takes are a few
simple words from your heart. I cried to Him
many times over this period and always felt much
better afterward. Picture Hashem standing next
to you, watching everything you do.
And know that he
is proud of you!
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Daily Dose of Dov
Dov is sober in SA for over 13 years. See his
story
here.
"Asking for Help"
The first order of business when beginning to
work the steps, is to get sober and remain sober
by getting reasonably comfortable with the
practice of asking
for help when lust strikes. Asking
for help is good a sign that the addict has
finally come to believe that he is actually ill
and is, for whatever reason, powerless. That is
how we live with the first step. If, on the
other hand, I hold onto a
lust and do not share it with anyone, that means
I am trying to control it by my own power. In
that, I'd actually be moving away from
G-d. It would mean that I have forgotten my
track record and deny my limitations. Actually,
that usually means I am hiding the lust -
actually protecting it
- and will eventually use it. To me, the fruit
of "struggling" with lust is: eventually using
it. "Struggling with it" proves that I have not
yet done the First Step - or forgot it. Nu, we
all do that occasionally, but it's not a good
idea. Ultimately, I must live with an acceptance
of the simple facts of my ill-ness. It is the most important
door-opener for Recovery, followed closely by
honesty and integrity. I will get nowhere
without acceptance. Surrender grows out of it.
Practically speaking, that means making
that quick call to my sponsor or to any program
buddy and clearly admitting exactly what
I am tempted to do at that moment, when lust
strikes. If I find that I just can't bring
myself to get specific and can only say, "I am
having some 'trouble' with lust..." it means I
am ashamed
of myself. Being ashamed proves to
me that I still feel
this is about a moral failing of mine, and not
an illness. We need to make up our minds about
that eventually, otherwise we are not working
the Program, but some other nice "Self-Help"
regimen. Good luck. The Program that I know is G-d
Help, not Self-Help. If
you are interested responding to your addiction
with the moral-failing/typical teshuvah model,
that is certainly your privilege, but then it
has nothing whatsoever to do with the 12 Steps.
If we are calling the right person, the
fellow on the other end should know that we need
neither speeches nor warnings from them. We have
all had enough speeches! They do as much good
for me in getting sober as "learning more Torah
and mussar" does - in other words, not
much good at all. All we are
expecting from our listener is the help we need to
surrender: to surrender to
the fact that we are wonderful people but just
sick in the head when it comes to lust; that, as
addicts, we are simply not able to successfully
control and use lust; and that we truly need
help from a Higher Power. Often we end
up laughing about it together and quickly get on
with real life!
|
|
|
777. |
Tuesday ~ 27 Iyar,
5770 ~ May 11, 2010
|
|
In Today's Issue
-
We Need Your Feedback:
Prevention for Parents
-
Torah Thought of the Day:
The Nisyonos of Each Generation
-
Q & A of the Day:
Why is this harder than quitting smoking?
-
Daily Dose of Dov:
Don't Count
Your Days Like Sheep
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
We Need Your Feedback
"Prevention For Parents"
A major Jewish U.S. organization asked us
recently to prepare a short write-up of advice
in the area of "Prevention" that could be used
by Rabbanim and Mechanchim throughout America. I
put together a preliminary version today.
It can be downloaded here. (Right-Click and
press "Save Link/Target As").
I'd like to hear feedback from you guys before I
send it on to them. Please send your comments to
me at
eyes.guard@gmail.com. Thank you!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
On
another note: I just found out
today that GuardYourEyes was mentioned
in the Hamodia supplement for Pesach
5770. See
this page. To download the entire
article - which warns of the dangers of
internet addiction and offers practical
advice,
click here. (Right-Click and press
"Save Link/Target As").
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Torah Thought of the Day
The
Nisayonos of Each Generation
By "Kedusha"
As we all know, Shemiras Shabbos was
THE main Nisayon during the first half of
the 20th Century.
The six (or seven) day workweek made keeping
Shabbos extremely difficult, and, at the
time, there seemed to be no light at the end
of the tunnel. Even those who were able to
pass the Nisayon must have wondered whether
the next generation would be able to hold
out.
The five-day workweek changed everything.
All of a sudden, keeping Shabbos no longer
conflicted with earning a living! Those who
had passed the Nisayon of Shabbos now had
children who were trained to keep Shabbos,
with no great Nisayon to desecrate it.
However, those who did not pass the Nisayon
of Shabbos when things were difficult (and
we're certainly in no position to judge
them) wound up with children and
grandchildren who, for the most part, are
non-observant, even
though the Nisayon is gone.
I mentioned this thought to the Rosh
Yeshiva,
Rav Aharon Feldman Shlita recently, and
he pointed out that women covering their
hair used to be a tremendous Nisayon as
well. What happened that the Nisayon went
away? The Ribbono Shel Olam works in
amazing ways! When Kennedy was President,
the First Lady once wore a wig. All of a
sudden, wigs became in style, and the
Nisayon was gone!
The same is true with our Nisayon. It seems
that there's no way out this time! What will
be with our children and grandchildren? But
it's not true. Every generation has its own
Nisyonos. As the Sar shel Eisav asked Yaakov
Avinu: "Lama Zeh Tishal Lishmi" - "Why are
you asking my name?" Explains Rav Chaim Dov
Keller: The Sar shel Eisav, who represented
the yetzer horah, was saying: "You want to
know how I operate? There's no set way. It's
different in every generation. In one
generation the Nisayon will be Shemiras
Shabbos or women covering their hair, and in
another generation, the Nisayon will be the
Internet."
Let's learn a lesson from the generation
that was Moser Nefesh for Shemiras
Shabbos. Their children had the Nisayon
removed from them, even though it seemed
impossible. The same is true if we are,
b'Ezras Hashem, successful with our Nisayon, whatever
it takes to accomplish that. We don't
want to be in a position, chas
v'Shalom, where our children and
grandchildren continue to be Nichshal, even
when this Nisayon, b'Ezras Hashem, is taken
away (perhaps with the help of GYE :-)!
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q & A of the
Day
Why is this harder than quitting smoking?
Someone writes on the forum:
My name is Yechiel and I just can't believe it
has come to this. I pashut can not believe that
I have not been able to break this addiction. I
quit smoking, I quit poor eating habits, I am
extremely successful in everything that I have
done or put my mind to doing in both ruchnius
and gashmius... Why can't I break free of this
addiction? Why can I quit smoking, but not this?
"Briut" responds:
You asked why quitting sexual aveiros is harder
than quitting smoking. And I'd say, well, DUH.
Hashem did not give us tobacco in order to make
it easier to love, to mate, to ensure Jewish
continuity. He did not give a special flavor of
tobacco (on their eighth day) to the Jewish
people to elevate Jews (or cigarettes!) to a
higher form of free-will and divine service. And
he did not give the Yetzer Hara QUITE as much
sovereignty over tobacco's addictive features.
Hence, the
physical pain of tobacco withdrawal, which I
understand is much stronger than most realize,
is not going to compare to the pain that a Jew
feels in the body and the neshama. And it won't
compare to the fight with the Yetzer Hara that
must be fought and won regarding an area where
Hashem seems to have given him so much control.
And only the guys
on this site realize how deep the battlelines
run, how much the battle is worth fighting, and
how terrific it is to be part of an online army
bringing victories to the entire Jewish people.
So grab a uniform, buddy, it's gonna be a bumpy
night - but we'll do this together!
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Daily Dose of Dov
Dov is sober in SA for over 13 years. See his
story
here.
Don't Count Your Days Like Sheep
Someone wrote on the forum:
Today was a record breaking day for me! My
previous longest streak was 26 days and today my
new streak became 27 days and counting. All I
can say is Baruch Hashem for this site and this
forum. Before discovering guardyoureyes.org my
clean streaks were consistently one week, maybe
10 days if I was lucky. For years I never had
streaks longer than 3 weeks except when I went
away to camp for the summer. But now with
guardyoureyes.org I feel like a whole and honest
person again.
Dov Replies:
Perhaps this is not a chidush to you at all, but
please consider paying attention to Today, not
tomorrow, and certainly not yesterday. Before
you know it, weeks will go by (cuz that's how
time is, you know, when you don't
watch it
all the time), years will go by, and you will
look back on a beautiful decade. Eventually, you
will be surprised to discover that your entire
life was super duper. Let the load of "staying
clean" for another week - or even for the rest
of today -
off of your tired shoulders, will you? Let your
success be a total surprise to you! Don't count
your days like sheep that you are herding and
managing. We can't really run
our lives, anyway, so certainly our
staying clean needs
a lot of siyata dishmaya (help from Him). As the
Chofetz Chayim writes about Lashon Hara, we need
to pray for His help before the day starts and
thank him for keeping us LH-free after the day
ends. Asking Him for
the help means giving Him the
credit. Giving Him the credit for making it
happen means taking most of the burden off
ourselves! This may not fit exactly into your
concept of how the Yetzer Hara works and how
Hashem helps us, but I just remember: My methods
and thinking till now, got me
to this point - a mess. I may need a slightly
different approach in order to succeed at being
a successful ben Torah. As it turns out, all I
need to do is give up the first stupid
compulsion I get today, and ask Him for the help
to bear that, even if it hurts, till it's over.
And sometimes it may hurt horribly. Nu. So we
can call each other and commiserate! That is
what friends are for!
Two Sayings
from Dov:
Anybody else is
better than me, for seeing the lies I
tell myself.
Humility is more precious to an addict than
the knowledge of any Truth.
|
|
|
778. |
Wednesday ~ 28
Iyar, 5770 ~ May 12, 2010
|
|
In Today's Issue
-
Announcement:
Looking for an Assistant Filter Gabai
-
Thank You for Your Feedback: "Prevention
for Parents"
-
Attitude Tip of the Day:
Your Father is Cheering You On
-
Battle Communication:
Gevald, How Common is This Today?
-
Daily Dose of Dov:
What I Was
Looking for in Lust
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Announcement
Looking for an Assistant Filter Gabai
We are looking for an Assistant Filter Gabai to
help with saving people's passwords for them,
make remote changes (using remote accessing
software, such as TeamViewer and ShowMyPC), and
offer people filtering advice... If you are
interested in being trained into the job, please
be in contact with either me at eyes.guard@gmail.com or
the filter Gabai at filter.gye@gmail.com.
This is a
tremendous chesed for people, and one day (when
we have more funds) we plan on expanding this
service by offering a 24 hour hot-line for
advice and help with filters, both in Israel and
the U.S. (Who
knows? If you start now, you might one day get a
paid job to do this).
To qualify for
this volunteer job, we need someone computer
savvy, with some knowledge of filters, and with
a mobile-device that gets e-mails (so he can
respond to urgent requests). Also, you should be
married and sober for at least 30 days
(preferably 90 days).
Thank you!
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Thank You For
Your Feedback!
"Prevention For Parents"
As we wrote
yesterday, a major Jewish U.S. organization
asked us
recently to prepare a short write-up of
advice in the area of "Prevention" that could be
used by Rabbanim and Mechanchim throughout
America. I tried to implement some of the
comments I got from your feedback yesterday. The
new file is five pages long and better
organized.
The new version can be downloaded here.
(Right-Click the link and press "Save
Link/Target As". If you get the same version as
yesterday, you may need to clear the "cache" of
your browser).
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
One
important addition to the new file is a
"cover page" which brings some quotes
showing the danger of giving children
open internet access. After all, if the
parents don't recognize the dangers
involved, why should they take the many
"Preventive" measures that we suggest?
Another important addition to the new
file was sent to us by therapist Dr.
Benzion Sorotzkin, who wrote:
Re: prevention advice, In my humble
opinion it gives too much emphasis
on external control of children and
too little on factors that make kids
emotionally vulnerable to the pull
of porn etc. I am pasting below a
few relevant paragraphs on this
issue from my website.
Hatzlocho in your important work.
Benzion Sorotzkin, Psy.D.
In light of his comments, we added
the following to the file:
The
frum
clinical psychologist Dr. Sorotzkin
points out in
an article on his wonderful
website, that
the problem of porn addiction amongst
teenagers doesn't always stem from lack
of "external control", but rather from
factors that make kids emotionally
vulnerable to the pull of porn. And as
this superb article on the
dangers of the Internet written by Rabbi
Leib Kelemen (from Neve Yerushalayim;
author of To
Kindle a Soul) notes,
under the heading of "The
necessity of identifying risk factors":
Ultimately, restricting Internet access
is a necessary but insufficient
solution.... What
is needed is healing the personality
weaknesses that virtually guarantee some
individuals will fall victim to Internet
temptations. Studies
show that those most likely to get into
trouble are not deterred by limits on
Internet access... Therefore,
a key challenge to parents and educators
is identifying the risk factors... Researchers
describe four
pre-existing conditions that put an
individual at high risk for getting into
trouble on the Internet. They
are lack of family bonds; low
self-esteem; inability to express
opinions and questions; and inability to
socialize. [Emphasis
added]
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Attitude Tip of the Day
Your
Father is Cheering You On
An addict who is experiencing withdrawal -
and issues in other areas of life as well,
wrote to us today:
Just sometimes, but more frequently lately,
the pain, loneliness and restlessness become
overbearing, and it is then that I desire to
leave this empty world of "hevel varik", and
be next to the kisei hakavod.
Response:
Your desire to be next to the Kisei Hakavod
is your soul speaking... It is yearning for
Hashem. And that is perhaps the underlying
reason that you have this addiction. You are
more spiritually sensitive than most people.
Your soul has such strong yearnings for
Hashem, so it seeks to fill it with whatever
is available... But you should know that
Hashem has no use for you near the Kisai
Hakavod now. If He did, he would bring you
there. He is sitting in the stands watching
you play the game called "Life" and cheering
you on. If He'd pull you out now, He
wouldn't have what to really be proud of
you, and you'd be ashamed to face Him.
Instead, keep playing your best, keep
looking to the stands and watching Him wave
and smile to you... And when the game is
over, He'll come down out of the stands to
greet you and give you the biggest, most
loving hug you could imagine. And He'll tell
you over and over how proud He is of you and
say, "wow, what a tough game you
played!" And then you'll be shining with joy
and fall into His loving embrace forever...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"7Up" (moderator of the woman's forum)
responds:
Hashem's love for you is total,
unconditional and never ending. If any'one'
wants only what's best for you, its Him.
I have no idea why he tests you the way He
does and won't pretend to understand His
ways. Whatever the reason though, one thing
is for certain, He knows that this is for
your eventual good.
Think of your own precious little children.
On the most basic level, a child
instinctively loves and trusts his parents.
This only changes if the parents do
something to destroy that. But assuming it
is a healthy relationship, the child is
willing to trust his life to his parents
because he knows how much they love him. Now
picture this: one day the mother takes her
sweet little son to the doctors office. He
isn't sick, but its time for a vaccination. BECAUSE she
loves him, she allows the doctor to cause
him pain and stick a painful needle into
him! She is mature enough to realize that
the pain of the needle is necessary, and far
outweighs the pain of ch'v the illness
itself. Yes it hurts her to
see her son cry, and even more so, when he
looks up with tear-filled eyes and accusing
look on his face, "Mommy, why did you let
him do that to me? Why are you hurting me?"
But 10 minutes later, when the shot is a
fading memory, that same little boy loves
his Mommy just as much as he did earlier.
Their relationship has been established long
before and his doesn't question her love, or
even the need to hurt him.
Take this one step further. When the doctor
delivers the shot and the little boy starts
crying, who's
shoulder does he automatically bury his head
in?? He
doesn't run AWAY from his Mother because she
allowed it, he
runs TOO her!! He
knows she is the ultimate source of comfort
no matter what.
Think this through and relate it to your
relationship with HKB"H. Your Tatty is
hurting so much for you.
Sitting by the kisei hakavod is not an
automatic once we leave this world. It's our
reward for having trusted our Tatty for 120
years that there is
a reason
for all the pain and seemingly bad things He
sends our way.
In the meantime, run TO HIM for comfort. He
gives the most awesome hugs once you've
learnt how to recognize them!
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Battle Communication
Gevald, How Common is This Today?
"NoWhereToTurn" posted this shocking post on
our forum recently:
Sholom
Aleichem warriors,
I am a
regular 15 yr old yeshiva bochur in a top
yeshiva in somewhere, but have internet at
home. Besides for my own problems with
watching my eyes and controlling my hotzoas
zera that has been with me for years, I
noticed something interesting recently. I
noticed my father, a heimishe guy, by the
computer late at night. My curiosity got the
better of me, and when noone was around, I
pressed ctrl H to see history, and found out
that my porn problem is inherited from him.
I also noticed a secret email address that
he has, so I put my hacking skills to work,
and got the password from a free keylogging
program. What I found was heartbreaking - a
bunch of heimishe guys from shul are all a
bunch of porn addicts forwarding porn around
to each other! How is a 15 yr old yesiva
bochur from a good home supposed to deal
with this - I can't confront him, and I
can't let my mother know about this - she'll
divorce him! So in addition to dealing with
my own shmiras einayim/bris issues, how do I
deal with this without destroying my home?
To see many great responses on the forum,
please see
his thread here.
"Allaloneontop" Responds:
I know I'm new here... but I must express
how much it pains me to read this young
man's post... I mean
that was
me
20 years ago!
"Nowheretoturn",
let me tell you what I would have told
myself... Get help.
Get help
now.
Get help
before you spiral out of control.
Get help
before you get married, have children, have
a job and have other people rely on your
success.
Get help
before you have a rough day at home or at
work and call a prostitute because the
internet and the lap dances don't do it for
you anymore.
Get help
before you hit rock bottom and feel all
alone.
I'm crying
for you... because I know where you will be
in 20 years from now if you don't get
help... Like me, blogging on GYE in a hotel
room alone... trying to get through your
first day (night) of sobriety with the TV
blaring in the other room.
Don't be
embarrassed about it... As you can tell
here, it's normal... Get help, young man.
You've
come to the right place.
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Daily Dose of Dov
Dov is sober in SA for over 13 years. See his
story
here.
What I was Looking for in Lust
At some time in recovery, I admitted that what I
was always really looking for in all the lust
and schmutz was true acceptance of me (or
my body) for the sake of me (irrespective
of my goodness or lack thereof), by someone that
I really respect/worship.
Someone I considered really Powerful.
For me, that Someone was mainly: a pretty woman.
After all, I had been giving them all my power
by fantasizing their adoration of me for
years.
Isn't that what most of us do in our hearts with
the schmutz? So, in short, I worshipped them.
(And I recognize
today that in some small way I still feel
some of that, even though I have Hashem and
really worship Him now. I could ignore that
sick part of me and pretend that it's gone - but
I know I still have it. Whether or not it is
immoral, is totally irrelevant to me, and b"H
for that! It's just the
Truth about
me, and there is no place for shame about the
Truth, at all. I'm an addict!)
At first, my
Connection could be with someone imaginary, like
a cartoon or photo. After a while, that was not
enough. This was not a good development. The
shekker got ever deeper and I became ever more
ill and desperate.
Guys in recovery
helped me admit that even if my wife did plug
into my fantasies, it wouldn't give me what I
really wanted. What I really wanted, she could
only give me with Love, not just with sex. And certainly not
with lust. Lust always ruined everything (except
in my imagination! ).
She could get lots of power by using lust, but
I'd inexorably be drawn away from her one day
anyway, cuz it'd all be about me,
not us,
at any rate.
When we are just
beginning Recovery, a healthy and happy marriage
relationship (including sexuality) - to
paraphrase Mesillas Yeshorim - is "rochok
mitziyur sichleinu". We often can't even believe
it really exists! But we slowly grow, change,
and become mentchen. Derech Eretz kodmah laTorah! Living
right (Derech
Eretz) slowly turns our heads right-side up so
that we think
right (Torah).
Life finally begins to make sense and becomes
interesting and fun.
It didn't come from thinking and figuring it
out. Living right does.
Marriage is the same. Thinking won't fix it,
only loving in action will.
Slowly we begin
to know that the Connection that we really seek
can't ever be fulfilled by lust, even within
our marriages. It doesn't come close. Loving
comes close, and the relationship works best
when it's about loving, only.
The steps - not reading
them,
but working and living them
- showed me for the first time in a way I could
really see, that we need to start learning how
to enjoy living with Hashem. We need to "give"
our power to Him, rather than to our lust
objects. It's what b'rachos and tefillah are all about!
It's no longer all about us,
cuz He really is the
Shoresh (root) of everything. Perhaps that's
where d'veikus starts.
|
|
|
779. |
Thursday ~ 29 Iyar,
5770 ~ May 13, 2010
|
|
In Today's Issue
-
'Siyatta
Dishmaya' of the Day:
A Message from Father
-
Torah Thought of the Day: From Barley to
Wheat
-
12-Step Attitude:
How much D'veikus do we
Really
Have?
-
Thank you for your Feedback:
"Prevention for Parents"
-
Daily Dose of Dov:
Self-Pity &
Depression are a Cop-Out
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
'Siyatta
Dishmaya' of the Day
A Message from Father
We received this e-mail today from a member of
our e-mails:
I was lying in bed last night, literally
weeping, thinking about my father who passed
away a little while ago. I began to think maybe
I should push off my struggle for a less
emotionally trying period. I began to think
about slipping. I then opened up yesterday's
chizuk emails and read just the title "Father is
cheering you on" (#778). I began to cry even
more. I then saw the second e-mail on Shemiras
Ainayim (#415) which talked about about a Shiva
call.
I felt this was a open message to me from Hashem
to keep on
trucking.
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Torah Thought of the Day
From Barley to Wheat
By Goldy
With the counting of sefiras haomer, we are
celebrating the switch from harvesting barley...
to harvesting wheat.
Barley is coarse
animal food. It represents animalistic traits.
Everyone can be an animal with no effort.
Eating, lusting, sleeping, etc. are all
animalistic traits.
Wheat produces
bread, which is food for humans. This represents
the traits of a mentch; pushing aside our
animalistic desires, and replacing them with
seichel and proper middos.
Sefirah is a time
where we evolve from our selfish, animalistic
selves, into proper, well mannered, functioning,
G-d fearing human beings.
Let's use this auspicious time to grow and
evolve into who we really are.
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
12-Step Attitude
How Much D'veykus do we
Really
Have?
By Steve (commenting on Duvid Chaim's Phone
Conference)
Whatever method or system we've been using on
our own up till now, has obviously not worked or
we wouldn't be here, dealing with lust and
masturbation in our daily lives. SO WE HAVE TO
ACCEPT THAT OUR OLD SYSTEM JUST DOESN'T WORK, PERIOD. We
need to try something NEW. We need to be WILLING
TO MAKE A CHANGE. And
the change that is presented in the 12-Steps is
to CONSCIOUSLY LET HASHEM INTO OUR DAILY LIVES -
TO BECOME AWARE OF HIS PRESENCE AND INVOLVEMENT
IN OUR LIVES.
Just by doing this alone, we have made the
significant new step toward a solution THAT
WORKS!
So someone asked, "We are all religious Jews on
this call. What are we missing as frum Jews who
daven and do mitzvos? What new awareness of
Hashem could there be? Don't we already know
about Him?"
Duvid Chaim's answer: Next Shemoneh Esrai, see
if your mind wanders in the middle - to work,
what you need to do later, etc. If it does, then
that's the barometer to show one that we're only
an actor on a stage - "acting the part of a
religious Jew" without the real feeling,
connection and d'veykus Hashem. And the REASON
we can not make the connection to Him is because
our EGO is blocking it. "Edge G-d
Out" is a true acronym for EGO. The more
HUMBLE we become, the more we orient our lives
to BE OF SERVICE TO OTHERS, and the smaller our
EGOs get and the closer we can be to G-d.
Here's a proof I thought of: Who was the ONE
person in history who you would say was the
CLOSEST to Hashem? Moshe Rabbeinu, who spoke "Peh
el Peh" with Him. Now, who was the most HUMBLE
person? Same one.
And the more humble and closer to Hashem we are,
the less depression and inability to cope with
life we will have, and therefore the more
content we will be. And with contentment, we
gain our freedom from the desire to think
illicit thoughts, view porn and act out. We will
have a life of true happiness
and joy. GUARANTEED!!
Well THAT'S what I want. I want that life of
contentment. And BE"H I'm gonna get there. The
steps are simple, but not easy. But I'm
determined to keep working at them.
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Thank You For
Your Feedback!
"Prevention For Parents"
After receiving
even more
feedback yesterday, we updated the "Prevention
for Parents" file yet again.
The newest version can be downloaded here.
(Right-Click the link and press "Save
Link/Target As". If you get the same version as
yesterday, you may need to clear the "cache" of
your browser).
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Daily Dose of Dov
Dov is sober in SA for over 13 years. See his
story
here.
Self-Pity & Depression Are a Cop-Out
Someone posted on the forum:
"I just fell. I am such a lowlife."
Dov Responded:
Gevalt. How do you know
what you are? You don't even know how to stay
clean, and yet you say you understand yourself
well enough to determine what you
are?! I'm still not
exactly sure what I am, but I know what to do to
stay sober :-)
OK, ok... on a more serious and sensible level,
please consider cutting yourself a break. No,
not to screw up even more, of course, but to
admit the truth about yourself and see your
situation for what it really is. Doing that
helps most of us accept what we really need to do about
it.
Getting depressed
about it? Why do that?
It would just be a cop-out! Depression leads to
nothing but more acting
out. Self-pity is nothing but an excuse,
in the end, not a healthy surrender. AA says:
"Poor me, poor me, Pour me a drink!" (gotta say
it to
really make it sound right...)
Rather, let
yourself take a step back and look at this
addict trying to get well. (You are
the one who decided you are an addict, not me.)
He's a really nice fellow, and trying as much as
the next guy to be a good Yid. You've got a lot
of good and you've got some troubles, too. Learn something
from your frailty and move on to better things!
Use the 12-step fellowships, or whatever tools
you think are worth a try - to get better!
It is horrible
that we need to fail at kedushas ha'Bris so
much, but if I am an
addict it needs to get proved to me for me to
ever get better. The clearer the truth of my
inability to win on my own becomes to me, the
better my chances that I'll take a firm hold of
Recovery. And that's a gift! So, in a
certain respect you are very lucky, (in
hindsight...)
We fellows are in
a load of trouble. Hearing the "Uh oh!" loud and
clear is not bad at
all - it's a giant bracha. My wife occasionally
reminds me that the day I got sober is a more
choshuv date to her than the day we got married.
Now, that day was the last day I acted out, too!
Acting out made it impossible for me to run away
from the truth about myself! And as long as I
remember the truth about myself in
sobriety,
I believe Hashem will keep helping me stay sober.
You are a lucky
man.
Better than
calling yourself names, every time you feel that
little meat-grinder inside calling you some type
of orifice, substitute the word "addict".
|
|
|
780. |
Friday ~ 1 Sivan,
5770 ~ May 14, 2010
Rosh Chodesh Sivan
|
|
In Today's Issue
-
Torah Thought of the Day:
From Refidim
to Midbar Sinai
-
Inspirational Picture of the Day: Up or
Down?
-
Parsha Talk 1 - Bamidbar:
Down for the Count
-
Parsha Talk 2 - Bamidbar: Each Victory is
Precious
-
Rosh Chodesh Thought:
How Lucky We Are!
-
Daily Dose of Dov:
Dov's "Decent"
Day
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Torah
Thought of the Day
From Refidim to Midbar Sinai
"Bayom Hazeh Ba'u Midbar Sinai
- on this day,
they came to the desert of Sinai".
Chazal say (Shabbos
86b) that
we arrived at Midbar Sinai on Rosh Chodesh
Sivan. TODAY.
The next Pasuk repeats:
"Va'yisu Merifidim,
Vayavo'u Midbar Sinai -
And they traveled from
Refidim, and they came to the dessert of Sinai".
This Pasuk reminded me of something we quoted in
yesterday's "Daily Dose of Dov". Dov wrote:
"My wife occasionally reminds me that the day I
got sober is a more choshuv date to her than the
day we got married. Now, that day was the last
day I acted out, too! Acting out made it
impossible for me to run away from the truth
about myself! And as long as I remember the
truth about myself in
sobriety,
I believe Hashem will keep helping me stay sober."
It's interesting to see how Dov ties the two
together. It seems that the last time Dov acted
out, was the time he finally realized with full
clarity how powerless he was. At that point, he
irrevocably realized that he can't fool himself
anymore. And it was that clarity in "facing the
truth about his powerlessness" that rocketed him
into 13+ years of recovery (until 120, be"h)!
The Torah ties the two together as well. "Va'yisu
Merifidim, Vayavo'u Midbar Sinai".
(me'refidim
- "from Refidim" can also be
understood in the context of "through
Refidim"). We need to travel through
our weakness/powerlessness" (as the word "Refidim
/ Rafu" implies), in order to get
to Midbar Sinai - that true connection with
Hashem. By "traveling" through the journey of
our weakness - and recognizing it with honesty,
we are able to arrive at Midbar Sinai.
Recognition of our powerlessness helps us
achieve true humility (be'Tachtis HaHar), which
makes us into proper vessels for the receiving
of the Torah.
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Inspirational Picture of the Day :-)
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Parsha Talk 1: Bamidbar
Down for the Count
By "Bardichev"
We are at the start of a new Sefer, a new Parsha
and a new month.
A simple
question:
Why does Parshas Bamidbar always precede the Yom
Tov of Shavuos?
The Medrash tells
us that Torah needs three attributes: Fire,
Water and "Midbar
- a Desert"
Midbar signifies
mesiras nefesh and total
trust in Hashem.
("Lech Tech Acharay Bamidbar")
These two
components are so necessary for Kabbalas HaTorah.
In order for us
to have a fighting chance in this war against
our evil
inclination. We need these two elements, (1)
mesiras nefesh
(yes, self
sacrifice), and (2) Complete Trust in Hashem.
Will we see
immediate results? Maybe not. That is the reason
we count
Sefira, to remind us that it is a process -
one day at a time.
And like the Jews
in the desert, we "KEEP ON TRUCKING!".
Good Shabbos
Bardichev
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Parsha Talk 2: Bamidbar
Each Victory is Precious!
By "Yosef Hatzadik"
"Ach
es Mateh Levi lo sifkod
-
Don't count Shevet Levi" (1:49)
Rashi says that
Hashem foresaw that there will be a decree on
all those who were counted from age 20 that they
will die in the desert, so He said, "These shall
not be included, because they are
mine,
for they did not stumble with the Golden Calf."
The Sifsei
Chachamim points
out that Shevet Levi did sin with the Spies
along with the rest of the Jews.
There is a major
difference between a sin that comes after
another sin, and a sin that comes after a
victory over the Yetzer Horah!
We may think at times, "What use is there to my
refraining this once? I doubt that I will be
able to maintain this lofty level forever.
I may as well succumb right now." This is faulty
thinking. One moment of stalling the Yetzer
Horah's advances is immensely special in
Hashem's eyes! In that short instant we become
"His", and even if we later fall, we have
already accomplished so much!
Even though the
Levi'im did not withstand the test of the Spies,
they did not deserve the same fate as the rest
of the nation. The Levi'im had an earlier
victory on their account!
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Rosh Chodesh Thought
How Lucky We Are!
By "An honest mouse"
We say in Hallel (1st paragraph):
"Mi
K'Hashem Elokeinu hamagbili lashoves, hamashpili
lirois bashomayim uvo'aretz, mikimi meophor dol,
mei'ashpois yorim evyoin
-
Who is like Hashem our G-d, who is enthroned on
high, yet brings Himself down to look at the
heavens and the earth. He raises the poor from
the dirt and the destitute from the trash".
How lucky are we
that the King and Ruler of everything, who sits
in Heaven and runs the entire world, is also our
Father who loves us so much and comes down to
our lowly place in the spiritual garbage to
carry us out. If we're stuck in the dirt, just
call 'Daddy - I can't find my way out of this
trash that is lust, please come down and get me
- lift me up all the way to the heavens, I wanna
be with You!'. And He just, as it were, drops
everything He's doing and comes all the way down
to our lowly level to bring us out. Just 'cause
we're His children and His special nation!!
Could you imagine calling Obama and asking him
to come to your house to help you out with
something?!?! And he's only the president of
America, not the Omnipotent Ruler of the world!
How lucky are we
to have such a connection!
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Daily Dose of Dov
Dov is sober in SA for over 13 years. See his
story
here.
Dov's "Decent" Day
For me, having "a decent day" means that I was
useful to whoever Icould be
useful to.
That list
includes:
Hashem (by
noticing Him, using Him, and caring about what
He says),
Ourselves (by
staying sober and avoiding the tortures of lust,
self-pity, resentment and other stupid but quite
natural crapola),
Our
spouse (or
spouses,
if you are Muslim or Mormon :-),
Our
children (if
you got 'em),
The
people we work for (by
doing our jobs to help them),
The
people we work with (by
respecting and spreading pleasantness),
The
people we lust after, c"v (by
davening for them
m'umka deliba),
The
people who treat us like garbage (cuz
they are sick in the head),
Our
families (by
just being present and giving),
Our friends,
The
people in the shuls we daven in (like
by davening on time, and politely, perhaps)
The
cashiers (by
not being a jerk)
Goodness
gracious! There are a lot of ways we can live to
be helpful... but the main things are to be be
helpful and giving to Hashem, to ourselves, and
to those we are beholden to most of the time.
The entire Chovos Halevavos is about being
giving and helpful to Hashem. It's called
hakoras hatov.
And that's why writing out gratitude lists are
such a mainstay of sanity.
For me, staying
sober is the bottom line requirement for being
useful. Acting out always,
always
screws up my life. So to stay useful, I need His
help to keep away from the curiosity and
stupidity (lying) that would get me back into it
c"v.
|
|
|
781. |
Sunday ~ 3 Sivan,
5770 ~ May 16, 2010
|
|
In Today's Issue
-
Personal Victory of the Day:
Working Only With the Present Moment
-
Tips of the Day: Some Things that Help Me
-
Testimonial of the Day:
A Padding Between Myself & Frustration
-
Daily Dose of Dov:
Live to Give = No Lack
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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Personal Victory of the Day
Working Only With the Present Moment
By "Never Again"
On Friday, I woke up on the wrong foot (after a
nocturnal emission) and I was sure my day was
only going to follow with disaster. To my
surprise though, it didn't. Instead, this
Shabbos turned out to be the most positive,
meaningful, and fulfilling Shabbos I've had,
maybe the entire year! I took a leap and decided
I'd put everything aside and
work only with
the present moment, to use it to its
fullest, and to make it the best possible. The
thought I carried throughout the day was,
"What's the best I can do this very moment?".
Wow! I found that it's so much easier to work
this way! When focused only on the present
moment, you stop making yourself feel like a
hypocrite for anything of the past, and the
future doesn't either make a difference at this
point in time. That totally frees you of the
stresses coming from thoughts of consistency,
goals, perfection, and personal achievement,
etc.! Then, when that's disregarded and all that
matters is the present moment, you're even able
to enjoy things that would otherwise be
extremely stressful! Today was the first day in
a long time that I can look back and be proud of
how I spent each moment!
Very important
(life) lesson learned...
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Tips of the Day
Some Things that Help Me
By "Ano-nymous"
I've partnered up with someone who I identified
on the forum as someone I know in real life, and
he's been a great help. Being able to talk
openly about my issues with someone who really
knows what it's like and will not judge me, is a
great thing. I find that I'm consistently
getting better at recognizing when my mind is
fooling me.
As far as practical ideas go, I've found that
instead of making a neder not to
act out (which, once broken, does me no good), I
can make a neder to give some large amount of
money to tzedakah. That way, I know that if I
act out, I haven't broken my neder, but I will
need to part with the money (which I don't like
the thought of). The amount has to be large
enough that I won't want to act out, but not so
large that I will go into denial mode after
acting out, which would be disastrous (denial
mode means pretending I didn't do it, because I
can't admit to myself and others that I have
decided not to give the money I promised to
give, or simply lying and saying I gave the
money, or any number of other paths of deceit).
Don't make these kind of nedarim for long
periods, but make sure to renew the neder before
the old one expires.
I'm learning not to focus too much on the actual
counting. Instead, I need to focus on being a
healthy balanced person, and the rest will come
by itself.
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Testimonial of the Day
A Padding Between Myself & Frustration
By "Eye.nonymous"
I did the 5th step call with
Duvid Chaim yesterday, one on one.
Step 4 was to
make a fearless moral inventory of our
resentments, fears, and misconduct.
Step 5 is to
share
this inventory on a 3-way call (yourself, your
sponsor, and Hashem).
I expected that
the call would be some sort of psychoanalysis
session.
It was far from
it. Simple, but not easy. I gained a whole new
perspective on life. As long as I keep the right
set of glasses on, the RID will be non-existent.
It was very
inspirational. But, I was afraid this was just
another intellectual exercise. Just like all the
self-help books and mussar sefarim I have read
in the past. Nice ideas, but nothing really
changes.
Right after the
call, my wife asked me to help put one of the
children to bed. I literally felt like I was
wearing some sort of safety suit. Like some sort
of padding was between myself and frustration.
Later on, I got a
call from my mother. A difficult topic came up,
which in the past has often gone sour. This
time, I felt entirely different. I put on a "new
set of glasses". A whole bunch of new options,
different options, BETTER options, opened up
before me that I had never seen before! The
conversation ended up very positive.
Later on, my baby
was crying and my wife was out. I went to rock
his crib. Suddenly, one of my fears (on the fear
worksheet) popped up. I thought "THERE'S NO NEED
FOR THIS FEAR! I can live life one moment at a
time, without the resentments from the past, and
without the fears of the future." I felt an
amazing sense of serenity.
NOW, another one
of my fears is that, in person, I'm not very
comfortable talking to people. I felt another
change from these calls. My first reaction was
TO CALL UP some real people, other fellows from
DC's group, and share my experience with them!
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Daily Dose of Dov
Dov is sober in SA for over 13 years. See his
story
here.
Live to Give = No Lack
Someone posted on the forum:
I hope I don't slip into depression once I
realize and internalize that my wife will not
and cannot be part of my fantasies... I might
have to settle for (or strive for, perhaps) and
ordinary existence.
Dov Replies:
Here is a juicy fantasy for anyone (like me) who
has felt gripped with the terror of not getting
their ta'yvos, should they quit acting out:
Take off our heavy overcoat of
worries, our thick woolen suit of
fear that we'll never get what we want so badly,
and those tight, strangling clothing of
guilt, and change into a nice comfy
bathing suit
of trust in
Hashem and the tools of recovery.
Make it fruited yellow bermudas! At first, the
whole idea of letting go of our 'precious load'
will seem wacky and even suicidal to us!
Nu. Climb quietly up to the diving board of
Recovery. Never mind, we'll carry you...
Take a few slow, deep breaths and walk to the
end of the board and leap right into the water
of making
our wives' satisfaction our greatest concern. Welcome
to Real Life for a recovering person!
The water may be cold sometimes, it may be too
deep to feel the floor, but - no need to panic
here. There are many, many people who will share
a life-preserver called the 12 steps with us!
The kiddie pool we were swimming in 'till now
was getting yellow, anyway...
Let's grab the 12 steps and test out whether
letting go of our selfish concerns and really
"living to give" will shortchange us. Test it!
Shockingly, most find that the waters are warm.
In fact, they never want
to get out when that darn whistle blows!
Now try jumping in only
halfway.
It can't work, sorry. Rabi Shimon bar Yochai
would definitely not have had a carob tree grow
for him and his son, had he brought a sandwich
into that cave "just in case"!
Yes, our desires aren't always bad, and we can
even share them with our wives sometimes.... but
the ikkar
here is to understand that the fantasies are
really a sad burden, that when demanded,
weigh-down and destroy relationships and lives.
Trust Hashem and trust recovery.
We, of all people, will not be lacking anything from
giving. We'll be full, full, full!
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|
|
782. |
Monday ~ 4 Sivan,
5770 ~ May 17, 2010
|
|
In Today's Issue
-
Announcement:
Fund Raising Trip
-
Torah Thought of the Day - Shavuos:
Prerequisite for Kabbalas HaTorah
-
Attitude Tip of the Day: A Two Inch
Waterfall
-
Battle Communication:
Throw Away the Fear
-
Daily Dose of Dov:
Lust is Like a Star
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Announcement
Fund Raising
Trip
The long-awaited fund-raising trip is finally
around the corner... Me and my partner plan on
leaving for the States a few days after Shavuos,
and we'll be in the N.Y, Lakewood and Baltimore
area for about a week be"H. (What, I never told
you about my partner? well, he joined me
recently... more info on him maybe a different
time...)
I have prepared a
presentation for the meetings that we scheduled,
and I am convinced that any erliche yid
that we meet with will be very impressed and
convinced that our cause is extremely important.
If you know any
wealthy people who might be warm to helping us
expand our holy work, and especially if you
would have some way to get us a meeting with
them, please let me know at
eyes.guard@gmail.com
and I will send you our proposal/plan along with
the Haskamos that we have, to pass on to them.
We are looking for potential donors of 5k and
up. (We won't have time to make a whole
presentation for small checks ;-)
Please daven for the success of our trip, as our
success is the success of Klal Yisrael in
dealing with these impossible tests. It's
all Hashem, all the time.
Please put in a good word for us in your daily
prayers. Thanks!
P.S. I may be
less responsive to e-mails, messages on the
forum, etc. in the coming two weeks or so. I
apologize in advance. I hope that I can somehow
find time to send the daily chizuk e-mails, but
even that may not be possible for a day here and
there. Your
understanding is appreciated :-)
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Torah Thought
of the Day: SHAVUOS
Prerequisite for Kabbalas HaTorah:
GUARD YOUR EYES
By "an honest mouse"
This comes from
the book called 'timeless seasons' by Rabbi
Pinchos Roberts, but I figure most people
haven't heard of it and it is SO relevant
to us.
How come ALL the
Jews, without exception, accepted the Torah at
Har Sinai? In parshas Vo'eschanan (Devorim
4:35), Moshe reminds the people that they had
been shown with their own eyes 'ain oid
milvado'. Rashi explains that at Har Sinai,
Hashem opened all 7 heavens and showed the
people Malchus Hashem in all its glory. It was
so pleasurable and wonderful that everyone
wanted in.
It could be that
this is what the nations of the world were
complaining about, when they said that the Jews
got special treatment. If they had seen how good
it was, they would have accepted it as well!
However, Hashem answered them to bring Him the
book of their lineage. In other words, He was
telling them that in order to see a Mareh Elokim,
they needed pure eyes. This was an inheritance
that we received from Shem (who didn't look at
Noach), Avrohom (who wouldn't stare at Sarah -
see megillah 15a), Yosef Hatzadik, and the
people in the Midbar camped in a 'ma tovu' way
for this very reason - i.e. not to see anything
inappropriate.
In other words,
the prerequisite for a proper Kabbalas haTorah
is GUARD YOUR EYES!!! How can we daven every
morning 'v'hoer eineinu besoirosecho' if those
same eyes are tainted with shmutz? We have to
make our eyes capable of becoming holy, before
the Torah can do its work with them.
In conclusion, we
need to guard our eyes becayse it's the only way
we can truly connect with our special gift that
makes us different from the nations (ve'hivdilanu
min hatoyim - venosan lonu Toras emes). And we
CAN do it, because we have the strength through
our inheritance!
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Attitude Tip of the Day
A Two Inch Waterfall
By "Yosef Hatzadik"
Imagine if you live near Victoria Falls in
Africa, would you be interested in looking at a
two inch high waterfall? It would not be hard to
look away from that. The physical beauty of
woman is just a two inch waterfall compared to
the beauty of the soul. Why would we want to
focus on this insignificant thing and miss the
true beauty instead? Perhaps this is what Lust
addiction is after all, just a fantasy that some
insignificant thing will make us happy, when of
course it can't, because we are missing the true
beauty and the things that will really make us
happy.
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Battle Communication
Throw Away the Fear
By "Steve"
I am only human, so I'm expecting that
someday I may slip too far and fall
- although I don't want to. I BUT I'M NOT
AFRAID OF THAT. Because the moments of
weakness DON'T DEFINE ME. I AM THE GOOD GUY
who's trying. It's the GOOD minutes, hours,
and days that DEFINE ME, not the glitches.
So if I fall one day, I'll have
charata
(regret), do Teshuva and try harder. BUT
IT'S NOT GONNA DRAG ME DOWN, I'm gonna jump
right back up and CONTINUE WHERE I LEFT
OFF.
I don't look at it as STARTING OVER. I look
at it as
CONTINUING TO GROW from where I left
off. (I am NOT using this as an EXCUSE to
act out c"v, but as a way to feel GOOD about
myself and not have ANXIETY in advance
of whether I will act out one day or not. It
takes away the "fear of flying".)
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Daily Dose of Dov
Dov is sober in SA for over 13 years. See his
story
here.
Lust is Like a Star
Someone asked on the forum:
This whole looking at porn and acting out is
such a big part of my past. It will haunt me
forever. I can never be truly rid of it because
it is there. How do I face this? And if we can
actually heal from this then we aren't addicts,
no?
Dov Replies:
Most of the things that pain us so, actually
turn out to be lies. OK, I'll be PC and call
them "mistakes"... They evaporate, eventually. I
felt the same way you describe, about much more
than just porn and acting out, but I was wrong!
Nowadays, my life is really about other things.
This came as a shock to me. Today, the lust is
usually just a voice in the background that I
chuckle at when it becomes 'loud enough to hear'
(at myself, not at
the lust!). I know my lust is just like a star
- so tiny and weak when it is far from me, yet millions of
miles wide and with incredibly
powerful nuclear force if
close up!
My basic job on any day is to stay far from it -
keep it just a dot in the firmament of my life.
I say "ha, ha" to those who seem to want me to
see myself as "cured". Maybe they need to feel
that they are
just like everyone else to feel "OK" with
themselves, but I know to what depths I can
still descend should I just get tricked into
taking those stupid little pleasures that normal
people seem to be able to tolerate once in a
while. This is an important point to me: Even a
normal y'ray
Shomayim is
able to take a little lust once in a while...
who's perfect? It's terrible, but they will regret
it sincerely and do a
proper teshuvah and move on. The chances of it
being a 'gateway' for them
are small - a
gateway to what?
Not so for me, a man who knows what it's like to
be given
over to
Lust. If I take in a little, I may not be so
lucky. Who knows? I may very well revert to
living for it. I have seen it happen to alkies,
heroin addicts, and lust addicts. It's
horrifying.
Besides, to me, this
acceptance of my frailty even
in recovery may
be my only real shot at
anivus!
And that's precious. I trust Hashem completely
to save me from lust today, but not if I am an
idiot and ingrate, and take sips from the barrel
"when no one is looking". My heart tells me that Ein
somchin al haneis applies
in this respect.
|
|
|
783. |
Tuesday ~ 5 Sivan,
5770 ~ May 18, 2010
Erev Shavuos
|
|
In Today's Issue
-
Torah Thought of the Day:
Shavuos
- The Result of
Seffiras Ha'Omer
-
Torah Thought of the Day (2):
Enjoy the
Cheesecake
-
Attitude Tip of the Day:
Na'aseh
Ve'Nishma
-
Testimonial of
the Day: Reaching 90 on
Erev Shavuos
-
Battle Communication:
No Freedom without Torah
-
Announcement Repeat:
Fund Raising Trip
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Torah Thought
of the Day: SHAVUOS
Shavu'os:
The Result of Seffiras Ha'Omer
Posted by "Ovadia"
The following piece is a quote from the book
"Living Inspired" by R' Akiva Tatz. I think that
a lot of it is very relevant to our struggles.
There is a very
interesting thing about the way we count the
Omer. The natural way of counting towards an
event is by counting down. When one looks
forward to a significant day, one counts off the
days remaining between the present and that day.
In contrast, when we count the Omer, we count
the days that have elapsed from Pesach. Why is
this so? Surely we should be counting the days
remaining until Shavuos?
Similarly, we call the count "Sefirat ha'Omer",
referring to the Korban Omer which is brought on
Pesach. Why is the Mitzva named for the point of
departure instead of the
goal?
The idea that
emerges is that the counting is not a
sentimental marking of the passage of time until
the goal; it is the building of that goal.
Counting is work. Counting means accounting for
and developing each component of a process
fully, responsibly, and in current sequence.
Only when each detail is painstakingly created
and assembled into the process, can the goal be
reached - in fact, that itself is the goal; the
sequence is our responsibility and if it is done
correctly, the goal results. The
goal itself in spiritual terms, cannot be built
or achieved directly -
it is transcendent. But the finite components
can be built; when that is done appropriately, the
result manifests as a gift.
The transcendence
of Shavuos, Torah, is reached not by a single
act which builds it, but by a deliberate
painstaking building of each of the seven days
of the seven weeks which lead to it. When that
is done, Shavuos results. We work on the
process, the pathway, not on the result, and the
result happens of its own.
The clearest
illustration of this is that the Torah commands
"You shall count fifty days" and yet we count
only forty-nine. Why do we not actually count
the fiftieth day on Shavuos itself as the words
clearly indicate? The answer is striking: we
cannot count the fiftieth; it is pure
transcendence, of another world entirely, beyond
finite counting. It is Shavuos; the giving of
the torah. We would be limiting it by assigning
it a finite number. It is not an element, it is
totality. We can count the forty-nine human
stages; when we do so, Shavuos and transcendence
arrive as a gift, as the amazing result of our
attention to the fragments. In fact, we fulfill
the Torah's command to count the fiftieth day by
not counting it, by not limiting it to a finite
number! That is the only way to reach Shavuos -
to do all that we can and then allow the Kedusha
to manifest.
And that is why
we count from Pesach and not towards Shavuos. We
cannot cause Shavuos; we can build the path. We
build on the Omer, on what we have as a
beginning at Pesach. That is our focus: "Today
is one day of the Omer" - we have built one day;
"today is two days of the Omer" - we have built
two days. When we have built forty nine days
correctly Shavuos takes over! And then we and
our counting become a higher reality.
Counting days,
creating time. We should not be passively riding
time; we should be building our lives, causing
time to become real. Passively drifting through
time allows time inexorably to dissolve life;
building life by building its elements
consciously and actively in Kedusha, causes time
to transcend into eternity.
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Torah
Thought of the Day (2): Shavuos
Enjoy the Cheesecake
By "SilentBattle"
Shavuos is "Chetzyo Lachem, Chetzyo LaHashem".
Interestingly, it seems that on Shavuos there's
more of a reason to be involved in gashmiyus,
because once we have Torah, gashmiyus can be
raised onto the level of ruchniyos. That's why
Shavuos is the only time during the year when
chametz
is brought as a
korban - because with Torah, even the
Yetzer Hara can be used for the right
purposes.
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Attitude Tip of the Day
Na'aseh Ve'Nishma
By "Yechidah"
"Leap, and the net will appear" (Zen saying)
We call this "Bitachon".
We are afraid to
give up our unhealthy tendencies.
Don't be afraid.
Hashem set up the
net.
It's safe.
And it's the path to true freedom and happiness.
Leap, and the net
will appear.
That was Naaseh
V'Nishma:
A Huge Leap.
Yes, it's scary.
But we trust the
One who gives us the net.
We are safe and
sound with Him.
Leap, and the net
will appear.
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Testimonial of the Day
Reaching 90 on
Erev Shavuos
By "Andrewsh"
Hi everyone, I think it's quite significant that
I will reach 90 on Erev Shavuos.
I must say that
although I have not posted much, I obviously
could not have come this far without stumbling
upon this web site. Posting, but even more
through reading, has really helped me through
various issues.
A massive part of
staying clean has been through Google-phone
talking with "cleareyes613". I needed to find
someone who faces the same issues, who is clean
longer, and who has the same mentality/outlook
as me. And cleareyes, you have been amazing for
me. Cheers to you and all the others!
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Battle
Communication
No Freedom Without Torah
"Steve" wrote last week:
Guys, did you know Shavuos is right around the
corner? I feel so unprepared - Hashem has been
sending me a gazillion messages that I should
get back into a regular learning schedule. We
want FREEDOM from lust, right? Well, as the
writing on the Luchos teaches us ("charus al
ha'luchos"), there is NO
CHAIRUS
(FREEDOM) WITHOUT TORAH!!
The 12 Step program will help us get free to a
certain extent, BUT WITHOUT TORAH we could never
become FULLY FREE from our desires, our "self"
and our Yetzer Hara.
Some "second-look" urges have been getting
stronger lately, and I know I need Torah
nutrition to have the strength to fight them,
using the tools from the 12 Steps.
I started by
looking over Pirkei Avos during the weekdays
also. Simple to read, small sized bites with a
LOT of nutrients, and always accessible
everywhere a siddur is found.
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Announcement Repeat
Fund Raising
Trip
The long-awaited fund-raising trip is finally
around the corner... Me and my partner plan on
leaving for the States a few days after Shavuos,
and we'll be in the N.Y, Lakewood and Baltimore
area for about a week be"H.
I have prepared a
presentation for the meetings that we scheduled,
and I am convinced that any erliche yid
that we meet with will be very impressed and
convinced that our cause is extremely important.
If you know any
wealthy people who might be warm to helping us
expand our holy work, and especially if you
would have some way to get us a meeting with
them, please let me know at
eyes.guard@gmail.com
and I will send you our proposal/plan along with
the Haskamos that we have, to pass on to them.
We are looking for potential donors of 5k and
up. (We won't have time to make a whole
presentation for small checks ;-)
Please daven for the success of our trip, as our
success is the success of Klal Yisrael in
dealing with these impossible tests. It's
all Hashem, all the time.
Please put in a good word for us in your daily
prayers. Thanks!
P.S. I may be
less responsive to e-mails, messages on the
forum, etc. in the coming two weeks or so. I
apologize in advance. I hope that I can somehow
find time to send the daily chizuk e-mails, but
even that may not be possible for a day here and
there. Your
understanding is appreciated :-)
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784. |
Friday ~ 8 Sivan,
5770 ~ May 21, 2010
Erev Shabbos Parshas Naso
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In Today's Issue
-
Parsha Talk - Naso:
Sota to
Nazir:
Turn Inspiration into Deed
-
Battle Communication:
Why I Need to Stop
-
Daily Dose of Dov:
Freedom is the Gateway to Pleasure
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Parsha Talk:
Naso
Sota
to
Nazir:
Turn Inspiration into Deed
By "Ovadia"
The following piece is in honor of R' Menachem
Mendel of Vitebsk ZT"L, talmid of the Baal Shem
Tov and author of the Sefer Pri Ha'aretz whose
Yartzeit was recently on Rosh Chodesh Iyar.
It has been
mentioned on the forum in various contexts, that
many of us felt disgusted and nauseated the
first time that we saw shmutz. Yet somehow we
managed to get sucked in and to have "pleasure"
from it. How can this paradox be understood from
a Torah perspective?
In Parshas Naso
the section which deals with Nazir is placed
immediately after the section which deals with
Sota. Chazal make the connection between the two
Mitzvot, and say that "one who witnesses the
Sota in her degradation should prohibit wine to
himself by taking a Nazarite vow".
The obvious
question is, that the logical assumption would
be that having seen the horrific death of a Sota,
a person should be inspired to sin less.
Yet the implication is that precisely as a
result of this, he is more likely to sin?
Says R' Menachem
Mendel ZT"L that inspiration is a double edged
knife. On the one hand, watching the death of
the Sota can shock a person and impress upon him
the severity of such behavior and actions. On
the other hand, the exposure to new knowledge
can be detrimental, as it opens up new
possibilities to sin. Of
course a person's immediate reaction to such a
scene is to be inspired and resolve to improve,
but eventually the impression wears off and the
person is left with more knowledge, only now
without the inspiration. The result of this is
catastrophic.
The only way to
preserve the inspiration is by translating
thought into action. This is what Chazal meant
when they said that one who witnesses the Sota
in her degradation should prohibit wine to
himself by taking a Nazarite vow.
R' Dessler ZT"L explains that the "memory" of
the heart has the same mechanism as the mental
memory. Just like a person's memory can be
triggered by a tiny connection to the event, so
too, by associating inspiration with an action,
subsequently that action will always bring the
original inspiration back into focus. By taking
on the Nazarite vow, he puts the original
inspiration into a deed, and this will help him
retain the inspiration.
What we can learn from this, is that whenever we
feel inspired, we need to make a new commitment
in the area of "deed". Otherwise, the
inspiration is like a soul without a body, and
it will quickly dissipate.
There is a further source which will help to
give a deeper understanding of the Torah
approach to this phenomenon.
The Torah
instructs all soldiers going to war to be
equipped with a spade to cover their excrement.
The Ibin Ezra comments on this that any
disgusting thing that a person sees has a
detrimental effect on his Neshama.
R' Dessler ZT"L
elaborates on this in the following way. We
think that a person's aversion to seeing things
that disgust him is built in to a person's
physical nature. However in reality, it is a
spiritual quality. Every person has a point of
Tumah deep inside him. When one is exposed to
impurity, then this Tumah is aroused and has the
ability to posses them and distance them from
HaKadosh Baruch Hu. Therefore, to protect his
spirituality, a Jewish soldier must protect
himself from any exposure to filth whatsoever.
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Battle
Communication
Why I Need to Stop
"Rage" posted:
For me, it wasn't about getting caught... I
still believe that I can likely carry on forever
and never get caught... I probably will never
lose my job or family because of it... So why am
I doing all that I can to stop, even joining
these embarrassing SA meetings?
I guess there were two intangibles there for me,
that made me revolt against the disease... The
first is that feeling that you are being totally
controled by another... "Now you do what it
tells you"... I couldn't be that way... And the
second is even more intangible... The feeling
like I was being eaten alive from the inside...
Like I was dying... that I was losing who I am
at my very core... Maybe those two feelings are
related, But for me it was NEVER about getting
caught or losing something... I just want to be
me... It's that simple... I can't
live under the control of this disease... So I
will stop at nothing to break free...
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Daily Dose of Dov
Dov is sober in SA for over 13 years. See his
story
here.
Freedom is the Gateway to Pleasure
Someone posted on the forum:
I'm trying to use only public computers. Being
the only guy with a yarmulke for miles around,
I'd be too afraid of getting caught, and of the
shame that would ensue and the chillul Hashem. I
hope that will be a strong deterrent for me.
Dov Replies:
Deterrents are good, but there comes a point
where you need to ask yourself, "am I in control
of myself when it comes to lust, or not?" (I'm
not, even though I'm sober)
For a real addict, there's only so long that
'other
people watching'
or the spectre of chilul Hashem can be
really expected to stop him.
Are you actually planning on 'beating' this
problem mainly through ceaseless vigilance?
And finally: Does your
heart tell
you that the only real problem
you have is environmental: i.e. the internet,
pretty women, this stupid culture we live in,
etc.?
After trying to "beat" it for many years,
my heart
finally told me that even though my environment
was certainly a challenge, it was I that
had a problem of some sort. It just
didn't seem normal to have one's mind taken up
by struggle with lust so often and so much of
the time. If I "fixed" it here, it came out over
there - if I stopped turning to lust when I was
depressed, I found myself turning to it when I
was happy! Also,
just getting
out of the habit didn't
stop me from being preoccupied with it, and
eventually succumbing later on. I was always
counting the days I resisted it - as if reaching
a mark of a month, year, or whatever, would mean
something, much like a bar mitzvah
of sorts... "Phew, I made it!"
Obviously, many people don't have this history
and find success (however they define it) where
I did not. I truly wish that success for you.
But you have posted your frustration a number of
times already, so I am sharing with you that for
me, this is not the way.
For me, the Problem is as much a part of me my
liver is, or as 'Fear' is - and it plays for
keeps. All the external controls will not save
my behind. The problem of my mental/emotional
programming to use lust and human sexuality for
purposes that it is not intended, will not go
away just because I don't act on
it. Hashem clearly didn't give sexuality to us
to run to for courage or comfort when we feel
scared, lonely, or too emotional. Its tremendous
power was not meant just for creating that
'trance' many of us experience while searching
for schmutz in order to forget our stresses. All
the stresses of life have their own real and
healthy solutions... none of them require lust
to work. Sexuality, and the relationship that it
is meant to be part of, is clearly meant to raise a
relationship to a deeper level. More connection
and fewer separations - not more
secrecy and lying!! That is always
what lust led to for me, before marriage and in
marriage. I always had it totally backwards! I
perverted what Hashem gave me to use and enjoy,
into a drug.
You can't really enjoy something
that you require.
Freedom is the gateway to pleasure. Addiction
eventually ruins our
enjoyment of whatever we are addicted to,
actually. Then it slowly ruins everything else,
too.
'Charus al haLuchos'... When I think of Cheirus
(Freedom), I hope to be thinking about it as the gateway to
pleasure, bechirah, relationships,
self-fulfillment, sobriety, avodah - Everything!
And in my own case, the one time I feel I have
the least power
of bechirah (freedom) of all, is when I am
acting out on Lust, r"l. Thank-G-d I am sober
today!
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785. |
Sunday ~ 10 Sivan,
5770 ~ May 22, 2010
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A
Respected
Marbitz Torah and
Mashpiah
Ruchani
"FrumFiend" writes on our forum for the first
time:
I am a
respected marbitz torah and mashpiah ruchani.
I fell into tumah very young age (a guy showed
me something). I spent years spending every
moment lusting after and dreaming about how to
access such material. In Beis Medrash I broke
away completely (for about seven years). A few
months after marriage, I fell in again with
magazine material. When internet came out, I
bought a computer and since then I was basically
hooked. At the beginning there where times that
I threw away computer or internet, but I always
came back to it anyways a month or two later. At
this point, shmutz is a daily part of my life. I
have no interest or hope of changing this. This
addiction is not known to anyone and has no
effect on my life except for not allowing me to
become the Talmid chacham I could be. However
since I have seen this site, I cannot bring
myself to see tumah on the screen. I am sure
this will not last however. If someone can grab
me and guide me, I would really appreciate it. I
have looked through this site and I am just
amazed at how similar the thought process of
people on this site are to mine. This gives me a
glimmering of hope that maybe I can get out.
Anyway tizku Lemitzvos on your great work, even
if it may not help me.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dear Marbitz,
A year and a half
ago when I first joined this forum, I invited a
fellow to join me on one of my Thursday night anonymous
phone calls (hint! ;-). He attended the call.
On the call, my guest-therapist said that if you
can stay clean
for 90 days, the
neural pathways in your brain change and all of
this becomes easier, (it never fully goes away).
This man had been
visiting adult video stores for over 32
years almost
every day, including Shvichas Zera. He
decided that
night that he would stop. He called me the next
morning on my cell and began crying
hysterically. Here is what
he said:
"I cannot do
this, it is too hard. THESE PICTURES ARE MY
FRIENDS!!!!!!!!!!!!! - And I cannot bear to be
without them. He was so
addicted and insane at that moment, that he
actually believed the actors on a video were his
friends. I spoke with him for a while, actually
every day, for almost 6 months. He still calls
me occasionally.
These calls kept him sober, not because of me, but
because of his willingness to be honest and
open, and speak-out the shame and guilt we all
have. That is the foundation
of the recovery
process.
By the way, he
has not gone to an adult video store in 1 1/2
years. Although he still struggles with lust,
his life is totally different
and with much more meaning and fulfillment. I
pray you will find a similar path.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dov Responds to "FrumFiend"
Dear Frum marbitz fellow,
It was bittersweet reading your post above. The
main feeling I also had when first coming into a
SA meeting was a bit similar..."Well, that guy
over there is a bona fide pervert, the other guy
is clearly lying, and I feel kind of sorry for
the other folks, but - they
are all speaking my mind!...
I think I am in the right place after all." It
was kind of weird. Here
I was
a ben-Torah (who's clearest priority of all was daily
schmutz?!) and these were mostly
goyim and only one other frum guy. A Pervert.
Yet Hashem was going
to save me through them!
Nu. But at the time back then, it also gave me
tremendous hope. It told me that if these monkeys
could find out how to live successfully sober
and without holding onto so many secrets, then I
could co it too! (I often thought I'd burst
carrying shocking secrets to my grave, and it
bothered me that they'd be maspid the
wrong guy at my funeral... They wouldn't have
ever known the "me" I
lived with most of the time!).
Feeling like I'd be able to leave all that
behind was HUGE.
Your story is so not unusual,
it's sad. Hatzlocha!
With much respect and love,
Dov
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"FrumFiend" responds:
Thank you very
much for all your replies. It is a very weird
feeling to have a part of your life that is so
compartmentalized that no one (including
yourself in a certain way) are aware of, has
become part of a public forum.
Something Elya mentioned made me feel very sick.
He mentioned video stores. I had totally
forgotten the years before the internet,
sneaking into those stores, hoping no one
recognized your car. Taking of the frum uniform.
Sneaking into clubs in Manhattan. Ordering the
movies to your address and hoping your wife
doesn't happen to come home early and check the
mail. Oy Rebono shell Olam, in those days I felt
stupid. The broadband internet has made the
process so sterile that I could write that it
doesn't affect my life, but in those days, Oh
Boy! I have more to say but that's enough for
now. Meanwhile haven't looked at anything since
I found your site. Over Shabbos, I sat and
learned for a few hours B'hasmadah Gedolah
and B'eiyun Nimratz.
Thanks
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dov Responds to "FrumFiend"
You write "In those days"
as if the lust is not destroying your life
today.
Now I don't mean
this as a smarty-pants at all, but as someone
who has been there himself, is there,
and watched many other people's lives crumble,
r"l: When it comes to this problem, or sickness
- if you will, most people
remain as stupid as ever. They just dress it up
real smartly.
The ones who do gain
sobriety, soon learn that they may be smart
right now being 'oh so sober', but become
shockingly stupid in a hurry (RMB"N in K'doshim
as an example of the "shockingly" aspect). If
you are so inclined, consider reading the
experiences of the early alcoholics in the
second chapter of "Alcoholics Anonymous". If
you've never read it, I would wager that by the
time you read a bit there you'll see yourself...
(based on what you have shared above, that is).
As far as having
part of your life on a public forum - don't
worry, you are still anonymous! But the point is
this: What you and I do is on the most public
forum there is:
Einei Haborei
b"H.
In more personal
terms: What we actually do is reality;
it is recorded simply and openly in reality,
forever. Living with that awareness is called
"integrity" and is behind the RMBM's p'sak that
kiddush and chillul Hashem are even bein odom
l'atzmo, without anyone seeing him at all.
That's what "v'yad kol odom bo" means to
say. It helps us take life as the precious thing
it really is. (Though 'integrity' is only a byproduct of
sobriety, and will not usually stop most
of us from messing around with the schmutz, in
the end).
What we do is
far more important than what we get caught
doing. Do
you hear this? Our wives hear it. What drives
them crazy with pain is not what they
find out about,
but what their husbands did.
The damage was in what we did,
not in what we got
caught doing.
While this may sound obvious, it isn't - the
proof is that rarely would we do anything schmutzy
if our wives or children (or almost anyone) were
going to see it.
Now
that
is a perspective that I could never have related
to at all, till sobriety.
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786. |
Monday ~ 11 Sivan,
5770 ~ May 24, 2010
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Announcement
We are heading to the U.S in a few hours, be"H.
Our goal is simple: To find ways to take our
work to the next level and help many tens of
thousands more Yidden find hope and recovery. We
will be looking to grow and expand our services
in both the areas of Prevention & Treatment. Please
daven for the success of our trip.
(I may not succeed in sending Chizuk e-mails
consistently in the coming days. I apologize in
advance).
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Dov Defines His Understanding of GYE's Role
"StrugglingGuy" asked on the forum:
I'm a little unclear. When we say "staying
clean" from mast**** on this website, do we mean
causing an erect***, or just not ejac**** -?
Dov Responds:
Dear StrugglingGuy,
You are hitting
on something wide-ranging that many folks get
all caught-up in, so this is gonna be a megillah.
First, I need to remind you that I do not speak
for GYE. Guard does. I am
sober today b'chasdei Hashem through SA, and I
do as they do,
even today. GYE serves a wide range of yidden.
Many are addicts, but many are not. As an addict
in 12-step recovery, I firmly maintain that no
one is able to tell anyone else if they are an
addict or not: the entire meaning of the 1st
step is that a person comes to that conclusion themselves,
without any outside assistance. That is the only
way they know it's really the truth and that
they will never be able to run from it. If the
facts are to make any difference at all for
change in living, they need to really be known by
the person. That only happens in the heart
(which is also why "Rachmono liba bo'I").
Thankfully, GYE leaves the truth about us, up to
us.
Surely there are
many sweet yidden who are occasionally nichshol
in terrible aveiros for whatever reason, but
consider it a rare occurrence. They see they
need help to keep their avodah clean. Perhaps
they have never even been nichshol,
but fear they may soon be. They need to find a
place where they can let the truth out and get
advice to protect themselves from the mess out
there, and perhaps even from the mess inside
them. GYE has tools, friendships and chizuk to
help many. Some may thereby gain the freedom to
choose to open up to their Rabbeim, wives, safe
friends, or to a professional about their
struggles and fears and get help that way. Some
may get the strength and clarity they need to
successfully stay away from the fire of lust and
temptation, and remain clean and happy - just by
opening up!
Some members of
GYE consider their main problem that they
are doing specific aveiros.
Many of those are looking at schmutz,
fantasizing, and masturbating; others are doing
other embarrassing behaviors, others are using
women (or men); some are single and others are
married. They see their problem as encapsulated,
"under control" but still a problem, and it
pains them to no-end. They seek advice and
chizuk, but
if they really want to stop,
they also come to GYE for the opportunity to
admit - and thereby confront - the whole truth
about themselves before it grows to proportions
they'd rather not face, at all.
Some members
concede that they are doing
aveiros, but consider
their main problem "a lifestyle of sin".
They see that correcting individual aveiros as
not enough for them - they sense that they need
an overhaul of their entire perspective on
kedushas habris, or maybe even on serving
Hashem.
They also come to GYE for the honesty, chizuk
and eitzos. Perhaps GYE will help them make
strong friendships that will guide them to the
lifelong help they will need to serve Hashem
truly.
Other members
sense that their lives are actually out of
control because of their lust habits. They may
not yet have lost jobs or homes, but they doubt
that even those ends are far off. They suffer
with the knowledge that they live a double-life.
Good, trustworthy, frum people on their outside
- but they know the trance they get into
pursuing their next high - and that they are
like different people then. They hide their
activities. At first they see the privacy as
discretion, later they discover they are
actually hiding in order to protect their
ability to keep doing it! They truly wish to
serve Hashem, but know that they could not
possibly live like other servants of Hashem do -
unless they can take their drug along...
These folks are
often addicts, identical to the alcoholics and
heroin-users. True, my body
odor typically doesn't bother me much,
but there is really no difference in the methods
and desperation of SA's to AA's. And they too
only get worse, never better. There ain't no
easy way out.
This last group
can find resources, advice and chizuk at GYE,
too. They may get help to face to truth about
themselves - whatever it may be, and to get the
help they really need to save their lives. Often
there are wives', husbands' and children's lives
in the balance, as well. I am glad that GYE does
not decide for members what they need, but
members are encouraged to share what actually
works for
them,
rather than simply 'teaching' more true and good
hashkofa. (Hey, you can go anywhere for that!)
Many addicts feel they need to know where even
abject losers go to become 'winners'. I am one
of those losers, who found help in one of the
resources that is made available by GYE.
So, to your
question: Of course, the standard of halacha is
simple and clear. But once you ask about
"defining staying
clean"
it depends on what you are coming from, and will
change and grow as you do. "How do you define
staying clean?" I'd answer by saying that it
truly depends on what you consider your 'dirt'.
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Apology
(Friday, May 28)
We are on a trip throughout the U.S,
trying to boost awareness about the
work of GYE and to raise funds to
take our work to the next level. In
over two years, I do not think we
have missed sending out the chizuk
e-mails even once, but unfortunately
due to this vital trip with
back-to-back meetings every day, I
have been unable to find time to
prepare the e-mails.
Besides for meeting with a few
potential donors, we have had B"H
some very important meetings on our
trip. Here are a few:
- The OU
- Philip Rosenthal
- Agudas Yisrael
- Assemblyman Hikind's Child Abuse
Task Force
- Torah U'Messorah
- Rav Yaakov Bender and his staff at
Darchei Torah
B"H, everywhere we went our message
was very well received. Doors to
potential donors may be beginning to
open, and we hope that the trip will
culminate in success. Please keep
davening, for our success is
literally the success of Klal
Yisrael in dealing with what is
perhaps this generation's biggest
challenge.
We won't be back until the end of
next week, so meanwhile,
please make sure to read from he
archives of over 750 "Breaking Free"
chizuk e-mails sent out in the past
two years, and 400
Shemiras Ainayim Chizuk
e-mails as well. You can access the
archives by clicking on the numbers
1 - 750, and 1 - 400 at the top of
this page.
Have a great Shabbos!
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787. |
Sunday ~ 24 Sivan,
5770 ~ June 6, 2010
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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The Big Trip
Hi everyone. It's good to be back home. Sorry
for the break in the Chizuk e-mails due to our
trip. Originally I thought I might have time to
prepare some e-mails while on the trip, but it
was simply impossible. Every moment was spent on
meetings. We (me and my partner) were out all
day, back late at night and up early each
morning.
I've gotten a bunch of e-mails asking
how the trip
went. I'm happy to say that B"H the trip
was a considerable success. We succeeded in
spreading awareness of our work, we connected
with some big Jewish organizations, and
hopefully laid down the groundwork for some
serious financial backing (i.e. fundraising).
Although we didn't come back with any big checks
in our pockets
yet, we got the ball rolling and I
believe it's just a matter of time now. We got
some serious financial commitments, and many
great ideas for how to make our dreams a
reality. One influential Ba'al Habayis committed
to a very honorable donation if we can get
together another three people to match his
commitment.
Any ideas from you guys to this effect will be
greatly appreciated ;-)
Our message was very well received wherever we
went. I believe we accomplished a lot in a short
time due to a number of factors:
-
The desperate need in Klal Yisrael for what
we are doing
-
Our proven success to date
-
A good Business/Expansion Plan and a nice
multimedia presentation
-
Some influential people helped get doors
open for us at organizations and donors
-
A lot of
Siyatta di'Shmayah
The whole trip seemed orchestrated from above.
Everything just seemed to fit together like a
puzzle. We didn't have a moment to spare, and
the meetings just kept coming and coming until
we had to go back to the airport.
It is likely that we'll need to make another
trip in the coming weeks/months to keep the ball
rolling and strike while the iron is hot. With
the help of the Agudah and a few influential
balai batim, we may be able to arrange some sort
of parlor meeting with some of the big Jewish
donors. It is likely that it would be around
Elul time. We'll keep you posted :-)
Here is a list of people/places we met with on
this trip:
(besides for many potential donors)
Philp Rosenthal (our prevention advisor)
The Orthodox
Union (OU)
-
Frank Buchweitz, head of community projects
for the OU
Frank also let the following people/orgs know
about us:
Reb Yaakov Horowitz
At the Agudah we met with (and gave a
presentation to):
Hikind's "Shomrei Yaldeinu" Task Force
Torah U'Messorah
-
Rabbi David Nojowitz
-
R' Zvi Bloom
Gedolim we met with:
-
Rav Ephrayim Waxman in Monsey
-
Rav Aharon Feldman, Rosh Yeshiva of Ner
Yisrael
-
Rav Avraham Schorr - (who gave us
a warm Haskama on the spot).
Other Rabbanim we met with:
-
Rav Heber, Rav of Ahavas Yisroel Tzemach
Tzedek shul in Baltimore
-
Rav Heineman, Rav of the Agudah in Baltimore
Mechanchim we met with:
Influential askanim we met with:
-
R' Yechezkel Kauftheil
-
R' Asher Friedman
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Torah
Thought of the Day
The Fear of the
Meraglim
We are powerless over our addiction in the same
way that the Yidden were powerless to overcome
the seven mighty nations in Eretz Yisrael. So
what was the sin of the Meraglim? After all,
they were
RIGHT by saying that we couldn't overcome
our enemies?
To quote Dov (our forum moderator - sober in SA
for 13 years), who was replying today to someone
who was desperate for help and felt like he was
about to fall after viewing some questionable TV
shows and internet sites. Dov writes the
following:
There's nothing bad about the desperation you
are describing. Actually, I believe it is
precious, and we all need to keep it in a bottle
for use many times during the day - not just
when we feel badly enough about our behavior
because it's already in the 'awful' category. We
ourselves are unable to beat this thing -
period.
Like the Jews about to go into Israel: They were
absolutely powerless to beat the seven nations
there, as Moshe makes clear in D'varim. The only
mistake of the spies was that they incited the
crowd
to forsake G-d's love and intervention.
That, I say to you, is your only real enemy -
not lust at all. And certainly not the internet
nor the TV show that you saw.
As Dov writes above, it is not the claim that
"we CAN'T do it" that was the sin of the
Meraglim. It was forsaking Hashem who
CAN do it, that was their sin. Our real
enemy is not lust, it is "forsaking Hashem".
In the 12-Step groups they call FEAR
= False
Evidence
Appearing
Real (see
the article below). When Hashem is in the
equation, there can be no fear at all. No matter
how impossible our reality seems at times, if we
let go and let G-d we don't
NEED to have the strength and wisdom to
do what we need to. Even if all the evidence
points to failure, it's really only
False
Evidence
Appearing
Real.
Hashem is the only real truth, and He can
do
ANYTHING.
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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
12 Step Attitude
Magnificent Magnifying Mind
By Benyamin
Bresinger, Director of Project Pride
(I found this piece to be very deep. It's worth
reading twice. However, those who are unfamiliar
with 12-Step jargon such as
"stinkin'
thinking" and
"it's an inside
job" may find it a little difficult to
grasp all the concepts).
I walked by a guy the other day and he had a
look of disgust on his face. First I was mad -
thinking, "Who does he think he is?" Then I got
outraged - thinking, "Doesn't he know who I am?"
I joke with my kids saying, "Do you have any
idea how important I am in my head? After all, I
might not be much, but I am all that I think
about.
It's when I take another's actions personally
that I am concluding that he is wronging me, and
that the target of his disrespect is me. That's
False Evidence Appearing Real - FEAR!! Probably
his thoughts at the time of the crime have
nothing whatsoever to do with me. Nevertheless,
because of my fear of not being enough, I see
his facial expression as showing his contempt
towards me. After all, my "stinkin' thinkin'"
says that I am contemptible. My fear manifests
itself through anger and outrage. I go into
attack mode, usually internally, because "It's a
inside job!"
There is a way out of this painful way of
walking through life - always reacting
personally. Let's go back to the scene of the
assault and reenact it differently. So here
comes "sour pus" heading my way. The Torah tells
us that "It's a mitzvah to
pray for our every need." My need at this moment
is to put myself, and my character defect of
self centeredness, in its proper place.
Therefore, my prayer goes up saying, "Bless him!
Change me." I consider his possible need over my
faulty fear. Each time I offer up this prayer, I
not only don't take it personally, I am freed
from the grip of the insane message that I am a
victim of a crime against Benyamin. G-d answers
my request because I got out of the way even if
it's only a moment of humility.
So, the next time I am attacked by my own fear,
I can take it to G-d instead of taking it
personally -- by asking for the others to be
blessed, I am being changed.
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Daily Dose of Dov
Dov is sober in SA for over 13 years. See his
story
here.
More of the same, or REAL change?
(To
understand this beautiful post from Dov it may
be necessary to see
this link for a quick summary of the steps).
When the White Book mentions 'facing
resentments' as part of recovery, it seems to me
that it is as part of
a process.
The steps before the 4th are quite simple, yet
often not as straightforward as we make them,
early on. For example, simply having a true
emunah in Hashem as any yid - particularly an
educated and practicing one - must have, is not
necessarily even scratching the surface of
Step 2, or 3. In my recovery it seems plain that
my working the 1st, 2nd and 3rd steps must begin
to change me. After that, looking closely at my
resentments and other character defects will
bear tremendous fruit. But in my experience,
looking at my defects before working the first
three steps is just more self-analysis. I remain
at the helm, no matter how much emunah I have
brought to the table with me. And I
was at the helm when the ship strayed way off
course repeatedly and for decades....uh oh.
In other words:
If acceptance of my own inability to stop lust
behaviors on my own (step 1); my reliance upon
Hashem to save me from myself and help me heal a
bit just
for today (step
2); and my comfort with Hashem as my own
personal Master and Best Friend (step 3) are not
significantly different than what
I had before (while
I lived with all that crazy behavior), then I
see no reason to expect I will succeed at living
life differently. If anything, Recovery is
simple - but not easy. And early on, it is truly
"rachok m'tziyur sichleinu" (far from our
imagination)!
It all depends on
what we want: more of the same but with "a
deeper awareness" and "more control", or a
different life -
one free of lust as a destructive force. If I
want more of the same but with more
"understanding", I will read through the steps
and think them over. That's all. The only way my
life changed was by working the steps in order,
though very imperfectly. I needed the help of
others to do this. I found people near me who
have been this way before in the "gan ham'vucha",
whom I could talk to, practically daily. The
benefit was - and is - incredible. It made no
difference for me if they were yiddin or goyim -
the only real
issue for success was the simplicity and honesty
of my faith,
not what I
have faith in,
at all. I hope you get my meaning here.
If meetings are
impossible, perhaps you can get a sponsor - a
real live one. After all, your problem isn't
virtual... you gotta trust someone.
Your Father wants you to go only for the
bulls-eye. There is a price to pay for that, and
it may not be attainable behind a screen.
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788. |
Monday ~ 25 Sivan,
5770 ~ June 7, 2010
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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Attitude
Tip of the Day
Don't be Afraid Not to be Afraid
"daat" writes on the forum for the first time:
I "stumbled" onto this site a few days ago. I'm
3 days clean. Something seems more serious after
finding this site. There's no high from being
clean yet at this time. Actually, I'm feeling
scared. Not scared of Hashem, "scared" like for
my life. With this stuff I always struggled
alone. Please let me know somebody's out there.
"Me" (an old-timer on the GYE forum) welcomes "daat":
You should know that there is probably not one
chiddush that you can tell your new
friends here at GYE.
What you may have
done, what you were thinking of doing, what you
want to do, all of your fears and uncertainties.
We know them all.
You need to realize that you are not really
being overpowered by an array of surprise
lust-attacks from the outside, from the inside,
from the left side, nor the right side. To make
it as simple as possible, you are experiencing
only one condition. It is called Lust addiction,
with a capital "L". And the #1 cause of this
condition is your tests, and trials, your
unhappiness with your lot in life, which leads
to... "L".
There is so much
for you to learn here on GYE. The first thing is
to allow yourself the freedom to "open up" and
not to hide anything.
First and
foremost, please do yourself the biggest favor.
Avoid all fears and worries. These are the
number #1 killers, which only lead to more lust
seeking. Even though you may feel "afraid"
that.... if "I am not afraid, I won't be on
guard,", or, "If I don't immerse myself into
worry, I may do something irresponsible...."
All these kind of thoughts are rubbish; it is
the mental talk of the big Yetzer Hara. He knows
that this will only keep you where you are.
He wants you to continue to eat yourself up
alive.
Please remember,
Hashem is here with you, He really is.
And He wants you to grow. Ease up a bit and
trust in Hashem... these are the first steps.
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Therapy Tip of the Day
Changes in Recovery
Below is a page from a book called "Facing
the Shadows" by Partick Carnes on sexual
addiction. It charts some of the vital changes
in thinking/life-style that an addict needs to
undergo in recovery. It was sent to me by the
therapist Zeva Citronnenbaum, who leads an
anonymous phone conference for some of the guys
on GuardYourEyes. (See
this page for more info on Zeva's group).
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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Daily Dose of Dov
Dov is sober in SA for over 13 years. See his
story
here.
Where is the Desperation?
Dov responds to someone who asks if he can work
the 12-Steps on his own:
I am
a nobody. The guys who wrote AA would also admit
they are nobodies, I think. All we have to offer
is our own experience, nothing more. Because of
what I have seen and experienced in recovery so
far, I have accepted that as soon as I set
myself up as some sort of "expert" on recovery,
I am in big trouble. So, may Hashem save me from
the Yetzer Hara to make pronouncements like
piskei Halacha or medical decisions, regarding
Recovery. The only Recovery I know anything about
is my Recovery!
And it basically boils down to letting G-d into
my life, because I
came to see that I have made a royal mess of my
life doing it my way.
The constant, bitter struggle. It gets quite
romantic after a while, but goes nowhere. In my
case it only got worse, in the long run. I
believe that I failed miserably at it primarily
because I was doing the Recovery stuff my way,
too! How can a
"chavush matir es atzmo mibeis ha'asurim
-
a prisoner release himself from prison"?
For me (and many others I have met), learning to
live a new kind of life was only possible with
outside assistance. Particularly when it
comes to lust and sex, my judgment was just
plain ruined.
Perverted, to be more exact. It's still a bit
goofy, though getting better along with
everything else be"H. But I digress...
So, who am I (or
is anyone,
I wonder) to tell you that it is simply not
possible to work the 12-steps on your own? Just
because I couldn't
is no proof that you can't
succeed that way. But please bear in mind that
your true emotional motivation for why one
chooses to do recovery work without a group may
matter.
The main issue to
my heart is this: Where is the desperation? If
one had cancer, would they change their schedule
to make treatments? Would they meet with
face-to-face doctors, or would they really be
satisfied with web or phone meetings alone, for
their treatment decisions? When I came to SA, I
was not itching to "finally" join a 12-step
group. I just saw that my life was not working
at all and it was gonna get only worse on
my present course - and my present course was by
far the
very best I could muster! I needed help. It was
a priority. It was not a luxury. I was dying.
No judgmentalism
here. I just hope to G-d that the people who
have valid reasons for going
it alone are
not doing it that way out of emotional
convenience. Indeed, most of us are terrified
walking into our first meetings - even the guys
who want to
go. Why? I believe it is shame. Shame in
admitting who we are, in the faces of other real
people. It means the game is over.
I may have the
"right" to use weak tools like only
my own judgment or
perhaps the help of a
person who can't see my face when I talk...
but what would my wife and children have said
about me choosing second-rate treatment for a
thing that may destroy their lives?
I am really not
judging, just hoping this issue is considered in
the soup.
And I still feel
it may be possible for one to work the steps
successfully without a group. But I can't relate
to it because of what I experienced, that's all.
But I'm a nobody!!
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789. |
Tuesday ~ 26 Sivan,
5770 ~ June 8, 2010
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Story/Testimonial of the Day
The Discovery that I was Capable of Restraint
"SilentBattle" is one of the most active and
inspiring members on our forum for the past half
a year or so. In honor of his recent engagement,
he sent us his inspiring story about his journey
to recovery. Besides for being able to learn a
lot from his story, we all need to learn from
his selfless dedication to helping others. He
literally spends hours posting chizuk to other
struggling members almost every day!
Thank you SilentBattle, and a big MAZAL TOV! May
you build a true
Bayis Ne'eman
bi'Yisrael.
I grew up in a frum family, relatively Yeshivish,
though I did watch
movies
occasionally. I went through standard adolescent
turbulence
but turned out OK, boruch Hashem. I learned in
Yeshiva for a bunch of
years, and
enjoyed learning. However, from the time I was
young, I had a major issue with being mz"l
(masturbation). When I was younger, I
would buy
magazines, and more recently, I used online
porn.
Then, a few years
ago, things got worse. Much worse. With
shidduchim
not going well, and most of my friends married,
I felt very alone, and
I actually began
meeting live women to satisfy my emotional and
physical "needs."
This went on for a while. I knew it was wrong,
it went
against everything I knew; everything I wanted
to be.
Occasionally I would stop. I'd delete my email
account, erase all the
numbers of the
women I'd known... but it only lasted for a
while. There
was a part of me
that wished I would get caught, because I knew
that
despite the suffering and embarrassment that it
would cause, it would be
worth it if it
got me to stop this terrible behavior. However,
I couldn't
actually bring myself to say anything to my
Rebbe. I couldn't
even bring myself
to daven for my Rebbe to find out.
But I guess
Hashem heard my heart's prayers, even if I
couldn't articulate them. My Rebbe did find out,
and he confronted me. He recommended
that I use
GuardYourEyes, along with therapy.
My first goal was to put an end to
my unhealthy
relationships, which I did immediately. When my
therapist
recommended though, that I practice complete
abstinence, including
masturbation, I
wasn't sure. After all, that wasn't the main
problem,
and I honestly didn't think I'd be able to
handle it. For years, I'd never been
able to stop my
practice of being mz"l for any appreciable
amount of
time. But I figured I'd try it.
I signed up for
the 90 day chart, a bit skeptical. I started
keeping a
journal on
the forum of my thoughts, my progress and
the tests I was facing. I read
about other
people's tests on the website and forum, and I
began learning different
approaches to
this battle. Perhaps most importantly, I felt
part of
something special. Here was a group of people,
possibly the only one
in the world,
fighting against this. When I had a victory,
there were
people who rejoiced along with me. When I was
having trouble seeing
things clearly,
there were people to help guide me. When I was
feeling
down, there were members of the forum that
encouraged me, let me know
that they cared,
let me know they were there for me. And slowly,
slowly... it
worked. I showed up by my next therapy session
and
realized that I'd been clean for a week! The
weeks passed, and I'd
been clean for a
month! I was shocked!
I'd learned
something important -
I was capable of
restraint.
Masturbation was
NOT something that I needed to be happy. In
fact, I
found myself feeling happier, more satisfied and
more fulfilled
without it. And whenI shared this with
everyone on the forum, they celebrated along
with me in
this too.
The months
passed, and I learned more about myself. Looking
back now after being clean for more than half a
year, it's trulyincredible. I've done things I
never thought I'd be able to accomplish.
I've completely
stopped all my lust-motivated behaviors! And in
retrospect, I
feel that maybe Hashem put me into the situation
I was in,
so that now, I could end up even healthier than
I was before; with
the capacity to
truly feel good about myself, without feeling
any hypocrisy,
and without having my own self-pleasuring and
fantasies get in
the way of real
relationships in my life. And most of all, to
finally be
able to connect with Hashem in a true way. I
don't think it's any
accident that my
learning has improved so dramatically since I
got clean.
I put all dating on hold, while I worked on
getting clean.
After being clean for several months, I began
dating again. B"H, the very
first girl I
dated, I became engaged to. This was partially
due to my
new, healthier outlook, both towards life in
general and towards
myself. But I am
absolutely certain that it was also Hashem's
immediate
response to my Teshuva.
I also have no doubt that I would
not be where I am
today without the help of all the amazing people
on GYE. I
can never fully express my thanks.
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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Quote of
the Day
Innocence? No Thanks.
In response to someone who writes how they wish
they could go back to the innocence of their
youth, "Letakein", who is clean for almost a
year through our network, writes:
I don't even wish I was ever innocent.
"WHAT?? ARE YOU CRAZY, OFF YOUR ROCKER,
COMPLETELY TURKEY JERKY BEZERKY?"
Nope!
I just really think that this whole addiction
ended up being good for me. You know why? It
made me think. It made me aware of my effort to
be good. It made me LIVE and not just go through
life. IT MADE ME talk to Hashem cuz no one else
could possibly understand me. It made me be good
because I TRIED SO HARD, and not just because it
was in my personality. It made me proud of who I
am.
And I would
never, ever give that up.
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Daily Dose of Dov
Dov is sober in SA for over 13 years. See his
story
here.
What a Therapist Can't Provide
Someone claimed that it might be a Chillul
Hashem to join a live SA group, being that he is
a Marbitz Torah
and a Mashpiah
Ruchni... He asks Dov if 'therapy' and
working the 12-Steps alone could be
enough. Dov responds:
For me, live people were and are le'ikuva
(extremely important). But our goals may be very
different. Mine was to not stay sick, and
actually become free of lust as a guiding force
in my life. I finally saw that I had
no clue
how to do that, as I had been trying for years
and only got worse. I needed direction, so I
went to a therapist and she told me that I
needed something she could not provide:
actual recovering people. I found that
although I needed a therapist, above
anyone else I
trusted other regular people - who were as
messed up as I was and
got better -
to show me the way. Shrinks gave me promises,
but recovering addicts showed me results.
That is how I viewed it. So I went to SA
meetings, as she suggested. Seeing the therapist
was very helpful for my first year in recovery,
and I truly wish you the best with a therapist
if that is what you can do right now.
Should that not do
the trick, and you (or the shrink) feel that
live groups may be needed for you to actually
get better, here is one consolation: You don't
need to join a group in a Jewish neighborhood.
Do you think whatever is wrong with you is
something only a yid could understand? If you
do, then I may have another consolation for you:
I know of no yid who got better in recovery that
needed a yid to
help him get better. None. True, some guys feel
squeamish or unable to open up to a goy, but
they soon discover that it's just ga'ava or an
inflated sense of terminal uniqueness that was
holding them back. In your case, it seems that a
yid is the one person you are trying to
avoid due to chillul Hashem. I understand that.
But here is my
parting message about chillul Hashem. And I mean
it in the deepest respect to you:
What gives you
the idea that you will not get caught in some
sort of trouble and bring a tremendous chillul
Hashem, R"l, without any "outside" help?
I do not know the details of exactly what you do
in you acting out behaviors, but surely it is
something that needs to be hidden... and people
are getting caught doing all kinds of
embarrassing stuff all the time! Just read the
paper, web, etc.
Do you really
believe you are different? I respect your
opinion if you do, but I just feel I need to
ask! I admit I don't know many facts about you,
and they are none of my business, either! Just
bringing it up for you...
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790. |
Wednesday ~ 27
Sivan, 5770 ~ June 9, 2010
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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Filter Tip
of the Day
Accountability
From the
Hamodia "Magazine", June 3, 2010
www.webchaver.org
Rav Yochanan
Ben Zakai blessed his students, "May your
fear of heaven be equal to your fear of
man". And his students asked him: "Rebbe, is
that all?". And he answered: "Halevai!".
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Testimonial of the Day
Almost Two Years
"Jack" wrote today:
Hello everyone. I don't get a chance to post
anymore, but today I finally have a chance. I
don't have internet at home, so I have to post
from the library. I had internet for a little
while because someone in my house needed it, but
I got rid of it as soon as I could.
So, it is almost 2 years clean for me. This Elul
will be 2 years, b'ezras Hashem. I got my start
on GYE and my life is totally better. I hope all
of you can join me! Life is SO much better. What
a changed man I am! I'm learning better, and
more. I don't feel that strong pull that I used
to feel. Please, chevra, I beg you from my
heart, please get this thing under control!! Get
a sponsor, call him 10 times a day if need be
(just in the beginning) and read
my recovery story. I usually don't talk much
about myself, but for this it's worth it!
Elul is just around the corner - take the bull
by the horns and run!
Just one thought - the 3 weeks are coming - and
Moshiach is not here yet. What can we do to
bring him? Love EVERY yid like yourself!
Keep the battle going!
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Spiritual Tip
of the Day
Confess Right Away
"30Years" writes:
I was an addict for thirty years and I was saved
through a neder, like a nazir.
I believe that a
lust addict can be modeled effectively almost as
a person with multiple personalities. Usually he
believes he is a tzadik, and he feels bad about
his "bad habit." When he is staring at an erva
and sinning, he continuously chooses to keep
doing it. That is a rasha, not a tzadik. He is a
rasha who wishes he were a tzadik.
The brain has
separate pathways that support those two
personalities. You need to keep your thoughts
off the bad pathways long enough to build new
ones to replace the ones that you don't want.
For example, I used to sin when I was stressed
out at work. You cannot choose your way out of
that behavior. You need help.
Help for me came
in the form of a neder. I realized that the
entry point into my rasha brain was the initial
lewd thought, the second look at a woman, etc.
While I had on my tzadik personality, I made a
neder that I would do teshuva for the thought by
confessing out loud, and I would do it ASAP
(usually for teshuva there is time, but not for
sex addicts.) Over several years, this starved
the rasha's brain and gave a chance to the
tzadik to build acceptable reactions and
behaviors. Today I do not have the same impulses
I used to have.
If you go this
way, I would suggest making it a short neder
first to try it out, and if it works for you,
then when it expires you can make a new one. You
may notice an increase in inappropriate thoughts
at first, but the neder will also give you the
ability to fulfill it. (Don't forget to allow
for times that you are not allowed to speak,
such as davening and any other time the halacha
requires you to be quiet).
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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Daily Dose of Dov
Dov is sober in SA for over 13 years. See his
story
here.
Romantic Struggle vs. What Hashem Really Wants
In response to the question of whether going to
the Mikva wipes away the sin after a fall, Dov
writes:
The entire flavor of my relationship with Hashem
before recovery was one of drama. "I want to do
better! I want to stop!" ... then I'd act out
and come back to Him saying, "Take me back!!
Please take me back!"... and he'd take me back,
I guess... Then I'd feel deep feelings of "deveikus" -
not just plain avodas Hashem, mind you, but deep stuff!
It was either a
profound and supercharged relationship
with Hashem, or I was a pathetic dirt-bag a
billion miles from him because of disgusting
acting out, begging to come back - and He'd take
me back, of course!
This pattern,
romantic as it is, is not what I see Hashem
wants from me. While it may be a nice theatre
for enactment of many basic Torah and Teshuva
concepts, I am now out of the "holy
struggle Petri dish" and
into real life. Real life is more normal, more
even keeled, and more meaningful - though not
nearly as shockingly exciting. But Hashem didn't
hire us to have excitement or fun - it's only
about doing His Will plainly and simply.
The mikvah itself
has little to do with this, but I see that it
was definitely a big part of my secret, sick
adventure. The total, cheap, taharah that it
offers is a nice comeback to the horrifying
acting out I obviously thought I could afford to
do back then. No more.
I still go to the
mikvah, and am trying kavonos that I am learning
for it, as well, be"H.
But it is no
longer a counterbalance to my sickness.
It is no longer a tool I use for tolerating a
lifestyle of horrifying tum'ah. Instead, it's a
gift I give to Him - a pure body to daven to
Him with!!
Finally it is a wholesome pleasure. Thanks to
G-d.
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791. |
Thursday ~ 28
Sivan, 5770 ~ June 10, 2010
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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Personal Victory of the Day
Dead Money
A Story of Courage
We received this e-mail today from someone in
England who we've been helping over the past few
months:
It's in times of courage that I remember to send
you an e-mail...
The Chizuk e-mails that I receive each day help
me loads, and B"H things have picked up, and I
can't stop thanking Hashem for helping me
overcome lust in some nearly impossible
situations. I'm the head of a company and we got
a new, attractive sales-worker a few months ago,
and I had many difficult battles with myself not
to offer money for any stupid things that I
would regret afterwards. B"H, I succeeded in
holding myself back with a lot of self-control
and siyatah dishmayah.
But it was so hard that at one point, I ordered
some illicit pleasures out of my area. But as I
made the reservation, I called my Chavrusah (who
doesn't even know about my dark side and my
hidden struggles), and I texted him that I have
been up to no good and that he should make sure
I stay in area that night. After texting him and
feeling completely humiliated, I had the courage
to cancel the service I had booked.
The next day, I took the 200 Pounds I was going
to spend, and I splurged on bicycles and toys
for my two kids....
Then last night, which was a few weeks later, I
stumbled on to a bad website and saw lust that
offered the best of this world for 250 Pounds.
Having made 700 Pounds cash profit that day from
two deals, it was too hard to resist and I
signed up.
This time, I was too ashamed to tell my
Chavrusah. I went into the Carmel shop to stock
up on some treats for the enjoyment, and I
bumped into a neighbor. I offered him a ride
home, asking him how his kids are doing. He
tells me his kid has been in a London hospital
for over 3 weeks with multiple infections, and
he tells me how hard it is, etc.
And I looked at this guy with three young kids,
holding his Talis in his hands, and I thought to
myself how amazing it is that he stays Erlich
(upright) and strong in his Emunah
despite it all... He told me how he hasn't had a
warm supper in a long time, as his wife and kid
have been now three weeks in hospital, and his
other kids are sleeping out all over...
When we got home, I told him to wait a moment; I
went inside, took out 200 Pounds from my pocket,
went out and said, "Here you go; have a chill,
treat yourself to some goodies".
He was shocked and told me that Bikkur Cholim
would be just fine and that there was no need,
etc. I replied that it's dead money, "take it
now, and quick" (dead money means, that if you
don't take it, it would go to bad places), and I
rushed off.
Feeling all shaken by what I had done, I burst
out crying, as it was from deep in my heart and
it was extremely emotional.
I was still not happy that I had 50 Pounds of
the money I was going to use, so I just chucked
the remaining 50 Pounds into his mail box and
ran off....
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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Elya's Phone Conference
Elya, who moderates the U.S GYE hotline and
one of the anonymous phone conferences,
wrote today to his contact list:
I don't know if you saw Jack's post in the
Chizuk email yesterday, but he is celebrating
two years of sobriety very soon.
All it took for Jack to get started, was one
phone call to
the phone conference, where he was told that
when you succeed in abstaining for 90 days
it will get much
easier. It's now been 2 years since he stopped
going to places and doing things that were against
his personal values. This was without live SA
groups, therapy or anything. He is a very strong
person indeed.
However Jack did
one thing which kept him sober, and that is, he
made phone calls to a sponsor once a week, sometimes
3-4 times a week - when he was feeling weak,
when he wanted to return to his addictive ways
of soothing
his bruised self.
Imagine what you
can do for yourself when you participate in a
group with supporters and friends whose
sole purpose in
life is to help you succeed. People who are
willing to share and listen when you need...
someone just to
listen.
This is what
our group offers, and I invite you to join
us, not only to help yourself, but to helpothers
as well by being on the calls and
participating. I'm open to whatever you want to
discuss or any
suggestions for giving us all the maximum
benefit from the experience.
Please join us on
our call at 9
PM (Eastern time) TONIGHT.
Tel:
712-429-0690
PIN# 225356
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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Battle
Communication
A Newcomer Welcomes a Newcomer
"1daat" welcomes a "Halevi":
Welcome Halevi. First, you are not a bad Jew. Hashem
created T'shuvah even before Torah - not for the
zaddik gamur. He made it for us struggling
yiddin, who love Hashem and long for Him with
such ferocity that we cry ourselves to sleep
sometimes.
Next, you will
learn here that Hashem does not negate a mitzvah
for an aveira. Keep on being as frum as you
can. It matters.
Finally, I just
learned these things the other day and they've
really helped me:
1) Talk to Hashem all day long. About the
littlest things - "Thank you Hashem for my
forgetting my teffilin so I could ask another
man to borrow his teffilin, humble myself and
give the other guy the opportunity to do a great
mitzvah." .... "Thank you for the smile the
boss gave me." All day long, just talk to Him.
2) Watch for Hashgach u'pratis all day long, the
little tiny ones.
3) Post a lot on
this forum. One of my biggest problems has
been the big secret/lie. So I post a lot to
constantly know I'm not alone, and that other
guys care in a big unselfish way that I can be
clean, bright and shiny.
You have taken
such an enormous step by joining our most
earnest group of G-d fearing and G-d loving
Yiddin. You are off to a great, sincere start
that was difficult to make. Hashem made us with
imperfections so we could know Teshuva and the
sweet suffering and joy that goes with it.
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Daily Dose of Dov
Dov is sober in SA for over 13 years. See his
story
here.
Feeling Miserable is Useless
"DovekBashem" writes:
I am down in the dumps again. I fell again today
(and last night) and just feel like I have no
control over my own body or my own life. I know
that G-d is watching this whole thing and I
can't help but wonder why, if he hates it as
much as I do, why he doesn't stop me before I go
too far.
Right now, I feel
like I'm doomed to porn and m**bation forever...
Like I will have no choice but lie to my wife
and children (when I someday have them) and to
keep pretending to my friends and family. But,
in the back of my mind, I know that I am wrong.
I believe I will have my 90+ clean streak. All I
have to do is keep working on it. Keep picking
up my head, smiling to G-d, and telling G-d that
even if it looks like He doesn't want a
relationship with me - I won't take 'no' for
an answer!
Dov Responds:
You're awesome and beautiful, in my opinion.
Please hang in there, never lose hope, and
consider focusing at all times on what it is
that you are
supposed to be doing right now - what is useful.
Thinking about "how things are" is just plain
useless for me 99% of the time, so I try to
avoid it except at certain times and/or when I
see that it is likely to bear fruit. And only
for a short amount of time, too.
I'm serious. All
the cheshbonos about how miserable we are
feeling - even if it isn't technically
"self-pity" - is usually just useless and so
silly. And for us addicts, it's very
poisonous.
Yes, it feels so normal and even so very
important... but it is a lie. It doesn't help.
It's just another lie we all seem to get used
to. And therefore, like the others, it is
painful to break free of it. The pain when
avoiding it tends to be misconstrued by our
chickeny hearts as proof that we need it
- yet another lie...
This is not a
sermon, this is how I live.
And I'd never be
able to remain in recovery today without it.
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792. |
Friday ~ 29 Sivan,
5770 ~ June 11, 2010
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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Parsha Talk: Korach
Whatcha Lookin' at, Man??
By "Bardichev"
This week's Parsha tells the story of the
personal destruction of Korach.
Korach, as we all know, was no small street
fighter; he was a Gadol of great proportions.
So for me and my little American head to say "pshat"
in Korach is almost silly.
But the Torah and chaza"l want us to "learn"
from Korach. So what can we learn?
Rashi says that Korach was a pike'ach - a smart
man; why did he choose this stupidity?
One reason: It was jealousy.
In another place Rashi says, "EINAV HITAASO -
his eyes fooled him".
Hello gang!!! Write
this down. If you are driving, pull over.
DO YOU HEAR? HIS EYE FOOLED HIM!!!!
(What are you screaming about, bards??)
Korach was a wise man.
Even a wise person can be fooled by what he
sees.
The issues we face in the area of lust almost
always begin with HISTAKLUS - GAZING.
So why don't we take a lesson from Korach?
One little peek... one blikk... one click... is
EINAV HITAASO!!!!
We are fooled into thinking that we
must lust.
Yes, we are duped into thinking that someone
else's is better than mine.
And once that happens, we can use all the mussar
and all the sechel and all the psychology in the
world, but it won't work against "shtuss zeh -
this stupidity".
Why? Cuz we are fooled!!!
As we say in business,
"If you were ripped off once, nu, it was a
mistake.
But a second time? You are a idiot."
So as I asked in the topic's name,
Whatcha lookin' at, man??
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Testimonial of the Day
GYE = Loving All Yidden
By "Yosef Hatzadik"
A while ago I noticed that GYE is helping
my Ahavas Yisroel. How? Well, I know that the
vast majority of GYE'ers don't come from
the same background as I do. They aren't part of
the same segment of Klal Yisroel as I am. Since
my only connection with them is through striving
toward a shared goal, there is only love in my
heart toward them. Then, upon meeting Yidden
from other segments, like the Modern-Orthodox
community, etc. I found myself thinking, "who
knows if this guy isn't one of my friends from
GYE?" This thought expanded into liking those
Yidden too!
Recently I started thinking, why should this
love only extend towards people who are more
modern than me? Why not also in the other
direction? With this thought, I started thinking
that I ought to love those ultra chasidishe
people who I disliked for their closed
mindedness, etc.. (Most people tend to think of
themselves as well balanced. Anyone who does more than
me is overdoing it; whoever does less than me in
avodas Hashem is slacking off, C"V :-))
Thank you for this added benefit of Ahavas
Yisrael that I received through your holy work!
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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Attitude Tip
of the Day
Einav Hita'aso:
What is the
Ikkar of Marriage?
Someone posted on the "Married Men's Forum":
(This forum is visible only to married men.
Send us
an e-mail
if you are married and would like access):
My wife is overweight and it's depressing. It
really bothers me. (1) Is it possible to change
the reality in my mind, and make myself think
she is beautiful? (2) How can I at least grow
from this nissayon? What is my avodah? To thank
Hashem and accept it without knowing why
this is my lot?
I actually spoke to Rabbi Arush (author of
"Garden of Peace") in Israel and asked him for
advice for my stress about this problem. All he
said was "ze shtooyot" - "that is nonsense", and
that if my wife would be pretty, then everyone
would look at her and talk about her, and it
would cause me a lot of stress too.Although I
love his book and respect him tremendously, I am
searching for a better answer - a solution.
Steve Replies:
Based on Rav Arush's amazing book, I think that
when he said "zeh
shtuyot", he meant basically that
the ikkar of marriage is NOT what goes on
in the bedroom. The
ikkar is
the EMOTIONAL and SPIRITUAL bond you can create
between yourself and your wife, whom Hashem
chose for you, who happens to be the other half
of your neshoma.
Rav Dessler points out that LOVE is formed NOT
from GETTING, but from GIVING.
Stop being selfish and self-focused and
self-absorbed, stop doing things for your wife
IN ORDER to get something physical from her.
Stop focusing on her shortcomings, on her not
giving to you what you think you deserve or
expect. Stop thinking you deserve a different,
more attractive wife, stop living with the
expectation that your wife should look like
someone else's wife or one of your fantasy movie
stars, and resenting her for not living up to
YOUR selfish expectations. And open up your
Emunah to realize Hashem runs your life, and has
given you this special woman for a purpose,
for you to learn
what's important in life. In short, GROW
UP and be a MAN.
Start thinking of HER first, as a person. Put
away ulterior motives. Stop trying to control
her and your marriage in general. Be a GIVER,
not a taker. Let sex become a preference, not an
expectation.
1) Make a detailed list of ALL her good
qualities. Do not dwell on anything negative.
Concentrate and review and edit this list as you
start noticing more things. make daily notes in
your mind and then on paper when you see or hear
of her goodness taking care of the home, kids,
volunteering, chesed, baking for simchos, etc.
See how she understands and deals with the kids
much better than you do.
2) Look for and really FEEL her pain. Her
happiness is in YOUR hands. Have you been
letting her and HKB"H down somehow in your
responsibility to make her happy, to be there
emotionally for her? Think, be creative to
figure out or ASK her what you can do to make
her life easier. Wash the dishes, do the
laundry, clean the toilets and wash the floors
before Shabbos. Take the kids for a walk to the
park to give her a rest. SHOW HER YOU CARE ABOUT
HER, without ANY ulterior motives or agendas
other than to GIVE to HER and MAKE HER HAPPY. No
physical expectations at all. Make your
relationship all about HER, and not all about
YOU.
3) Spend TIME with her. Go for walks, not just
to get healthier, but cuz it gives you alone
time together. Play backgammon or Bananagrams
(oh, please don't let her know that you MAKE
SURE she wins more than you do). Initiate date
nights where you both get out by hiring a
babysitter. COMMUNICATE, try to get back to that
sweet relationship you had when you were
courting, or between the engagement and the
wedding. Really CARE about her day, her
feelings, and ASK, get to know the woman behind
the choices she makes. And SHARE your feelings
and trials with life and YOUR decisions, but
always AVOID criticizing or condemning her. You
don't have to discuss your addiction, but you
can discuss your successes or anxieties with
bosses, chavrusas, etc.
4) ABOVE ALL, BE HONEST and considerate of her
feelings. NEVER criticize her or mention her
shortcomings or even hint at faults. RESPECT HER
and HONOR HER, do not belittle or treat her as a
child. She is extremely sensitive, very
intuitive (she can tell when you are faking it),
and yearns for your love and respect.
5) Buy her gifts that will enhance her self
esteem - jewelry for her ears and neck
especially, a sheitel, or beautiful snoods etc.,
which will add to her beauty in your eyes from
the chest up. Give her money if possible to buy
something nice for herself, like a beautiful and
flattering Shabbos Robe or outfit that will
automatically encourage her to dress and make-up
better. (And don't be stupid enough to suggest
it yourself.) Then make sure you look her right
in the eyes and TELL her how beautiful she looks
in it, and PROVE it by going on a shabbos walk
or visit - the more beautiful she is, the more
time you want to spend with her, and she'll feel
like you want to show her off. Build her self
esteem, and she'll want to become healthier in
mind and body on her own.
6) Eventually, the magic will happen, sometimes
sooner, sometimes later. But it WILL happen that
you will start to see and appreciate her NOT as
your physical partner, but as the beautiful
neshoma that she is. She will appreciate the new
and better husband you will become, the more
involved father, the closer friend, and her love
for you will increase. You will begin to see her
inner beauty, and the pleasure and purpose of
your marriage will make your home a pleasant
place, a place of contentment. You will be able
to see what is truly attractive about her, and
you will love and care about her more than you
care about yourself.
That is the goal and that is our Avodah. And
sometimes it takes a wife who we don't feel so
physically attracted to - in order to learn
these deep lessons of life.
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Daily Dose of Dov
Dov is sober in SA for over 13 years. See his
story
here.
Can't Sharing Be A Trigger?
Someone asked Dov:
The
GYE partner Gabai set me up with a
partner... I gather that we're supposed to tell
each other exactly what we we're thinking and
want to do in our lusty moments (I got that from
your posts). My question is, if we're at the
same level, is there not a danger that we could
trigger each other?
Dov Replies:
Thanks for asking. Well, if a guy is sharing his
craziness with me in such a way that it's clear
that he is using me to help himself surrender,
it's rare for me to get triggered. Actually, his
shedding of shame and prioritizing honesty will
help me to do the same when I need
to, rather than hold onto 'privacy' (secrecy!)
and "struggle with it" it out of 'self-respect'
(shame!)... After all, for me, Lust is not
purely a moral
issue that I can really successfully control
anyway, is it? I am
sick in the head, body, and heart. So that
shame just has to go anyway!
It is priority #1. And what better way to get
past it than admitting my sickness fully,
whenever possible, by helping someone else do
the same?
On the rare
occasion that I do
get
triggered, I stop the guy and tell him that I am
getting triggered and have to stop listening to
the details - I usually ask him to keep talking
but just leave out the gory details. And that
usually works fine for him, cuz it is about
taking the actions needed to admit the truth -
not necessarily being heard by any particular
person, it seems.
(Disclaimer:
Sometimes people can sense that the person who
is sharing is not breaking through shame at all,
rather, it seems that they are actually engaging
in a type of creepy 'exposure', advertisement,
or showing off. Just because admitting the
unadulterated truth about ourselves to another
is in our best interest, does not make it into a
'rite of passage' or gang initiation, and it is
certainly not a badge of honor. It is just the
truth and need not be made a big deal of. I have
gotten the creepy feeling (rarely) in meetings -
and I walk out. Or if it's on the phone, I just
stop them or take the phone away from my ear.
Depending on the relationship we have, it may or
may not be possible to talk about the problem
when I sense it.)
So, it is not a
complicated issue. Just do what your heart tells
you and daven to Hashem for a straight heart.
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793. |
Sunday ~ 1 Tamuz,
5770 ~ June 13, 2010
Rosh Chodesh Tamuz
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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Two happy announcements in honor of Rosh Chodesh
Announcement 1
Welcome to My Partner
Hodu
La'Hashem Ki Tov
Shehecheyanu Vekimanu Lazman Hazeh
Today, on Rosh Chodesh Tamuz, almost three years
since the launch of GuardYourEyes (on 22 Tamuz,
5767), I am no longer working alone. I now have
a partner working alongside me. He is an
addiction therapist and a senior advisor to the
Israeli government on Chareidi Kid's at Risk. He
has worked closely with Rav Noach Weinberg from
Aish HaTorah, R' Berel Wein from the Destiny
foundation, and Rebbetizn Jungreis. He is a man
who believes strongly in changing the world.
Lately, he has been working with an organization
called "Matan" with kids at risk in 15 different
cities in Israel. In his search for resources to
deal with the prevalent problem of lust
addiction, he came across GuardYourEyes a few
months ago and got in touch with me. After being
extremely impressed by what we have to offer,
our success record, and in our vision for
expansion, he decided to start helping me with
his professional advice. Together, we drew up a
strategic plan for growth. He helped me plan the
recent trip to the States, on which he joined me
for 10 days. Today
he took the big step of cutting down his
previous job to "half a day" and joining me at
GuardYourEyes for the second half. We are now
partners in this project, with him acting as
"Executive Director" of GYE, while I am (or
remain)
the Project Manager. Of-course, GYE is - and
always was - Hashem's PROJECT, and He is
the boss of us both. (We consider ourselves just
workers here :-).
So we invite you too, to join us in making the
world a better place, one Jew at a time:
Starting
with YOU.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Announcement 2
Announcing the Launch of Dov's Virtual SA Group
Dov (from the "Daily Dose of Dov"), who is sober
for 13 years in SA, would like to help moderate
a new little board on the forum with restricted
access, for those who want to have a sort of
"virtual SA" fellowship of
folks who are
trying to stay clean and 'grow up' using the
steps in a simple way. (Note: It will not work
for everybody and there will be no police).
Membership means abiding by the following 10
agreements:
1 - With the help of
Hashem, this group will use any 12-Step
framework that we choose to help us work the
steps. It can be through reading
the Big Book and the
SA White-Book (both of which are
downloadable from
this page of our website), or if you are a
member of one of GYE's 12-Step phone
conferences, or if you are part of a live SA
group. Regardless of what framework you are
using for learning about the steps, the members
of this board will work the 12-Steps, one at a
time, in order, as
simply as possible, in a gut-exposed way,
holding nothing back from the other group
members. (After all, if there is even too much
shame on line, how will we ever let go of that
burden in person?). The group will start from
step #1, but you can be holding on a different
schedule in your own 12-Step groups, and still
be able to use this board as a supplement to
your own program. Where necessary, Dov will help
each member work the steps by sharing his own
experience.
2 - We agree to try and take any reference to
our sobriety dates or "day-count clean" out of
our communications with other group
members.
We will try to live one day at a time in every
way possible. (In other boards of the forum, we
may reference the day count, but it is not
advisable. The idea of this system is to help us
start to look at things with a new perspective).
3 - We
agree to try our best to be totally honest with
the entire group about anything and everything;
For example, we will share
our real first names
and what's really going on with us. (Again, if
there is even too much shame on
line,
how will we ever come to let go of that burden
and admit it
in reality?).
4 - We
agree to daven for each other member of this
board in every regular tefilloh (whether
we like them or not
:-)
5 - We
agree to keep in touch at least once daily, with
at least one other group member in person, by
email or by phone.
6 - We
agree to take out at least 5 minutes every day
to try talk to Hashem - even if we feel it is
not "working" (this is an investment for when
the 11th step finally starts to "work").
7 - We
will not follow a director or a leader, but we
are committed to sharing with each other and
doing what we feel is in our own best interest
at all times - even if that means leaving the
group. (If someone decides to leave, no one need
ask them "why?"
or try to convince
them to stay).
8 -
We will keep
everything that anybody else says in the group
private on the rest of the forum. And we
will sell no T-shirts identifying ourselves as
members of this fuzzy little group in other
boards.
9 - We
will post at least once a day.
10 - As
much as possible, we will try to keep all our
posts focused on the solution, not the problem,
even if a member had a recent fall. (Members are
encouraged to use the rest of the forum
to reach out for help with lust - or with
falls).
To join this
virtual SA group, please send an e-mail to
reishischochma1@gmail.com
and request access. As soon as we have five
members who are ready to abide by the 10
agreements, we will be"H launch this group.
(Note: You must already be a member of the forum
to request joining to this group. If you haven't
signed up to the forum yet, please
sign up here).
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Saying of the Day
By Yehoshua
If Hashem has had enough of me, He would take me
out of this world. The fact that I am still
here
means that I still can do a Mitzvah; that there
is something good I can do;
really
good.
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Attitude Tip
of the Day
Readjusting Our Focus
On Friday, we brought a post from "Steve" about
how we need to learn to see the good in our
wives, and focus on being unselfish. We got a
lot of good feedback from that post, and in
response Steve writes the following:
Guys, it's all in baby steps. One moment, one
day at a time.
I had an
experience a few Shabbossim ago that I want to
share. On the way home from shul Shabbos
morning, I saw from not too afar a friend of
mine out walking with his wife & kids. His wife
is VERY attractive to me, in contrast to my wife
who is very overweight. So of course, I started
fantasizing about her as I had done in the past,
before joining the 12 steps. Then I stopped
myself and did like I'm trained now to do, and I
asked Hashem, "OK, where are we going with this?
What PAIN, i.e. what resentment or fear is going
on in the back of my head that is causing this
lust hit?" I know that if I refocus on resolving
that pain through changing my perspective on it,
the lust 'byproduct" will go *poof*.
I was really
taken aback when I realized that, honestly,
there was NO pain AT THAT MOMENT! I was actually
HAPPY, I was not experiencing any pain that
could be fueling the lust right then. So then I
asked Hashem, "WHY? What was MISSING at that
second that made me slip?" And that little quiet
voice answered "you should not be thinking about
someone else's wife, you should be thinking
about your OWN wife. You don't appreciate her
enough."
So I immediately
began walking home with my eyes focused
downward, and my thoughts focused inward, and I
started listing my wife's good qualities and
thinking about how good she is TO me and FOR me,
and with our kids, etc, like I suggested before.
I got more and more great feelings of love and
respect for her with every step. And as I
approached home, I saw her sitting on our front
porch waiting for me, and I smiled widely and
fell in love with her all over again, literally.
I was SOOO HAPPY to see her, and to see that she
was WAITING for ME; I was important to HER!! She
asked me why I was beaming, and I told her the
truth, that it was because I was thinking about
how wonderful she is, and then I find her
outside looking for me. Imagine how FANTASTIC
that made her feel, and how good it felt for ME
to be able to give her that joy! We had a VERY
sweet, intimate moment right there, just
enjoying feeling good together, standing 8 feet
apart. I am getting chills even now, just
reliving it.
That's what I
mean. Absolutely NO physical expectations or
agenda. Just GIVING to each other, one precious
moment at a time.
Then I realized
and THANKED HASHEM for putting Mrs. Skinny-Minny
in my path, for me to learn this lesson through.
And I realized how close I came to blowing His
opportunity to connect with my wife. Imagine how
I would have felt and treated my wife if I had
spent those previous 2 minutes fantasizing about
someone else's wife, then saw mine sitting
outside. I would have been resentful, maybe even
gruff, as I rushed into the house to avoid the
contrast in my brain (as I had done many times
previously).
Thank you all for
giving me the opportunity to share and relive
that.
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Daily Dose of Dov
Dov is sober in SA for over 13 years. See his
story
here.
Quality Not Quantity
If "echad
hamarbeh ve'echad ha'ma'amit..." ever
applied to anything, it applies to recovery: It
is quality, not quantity that matters above all.
So if, for example, the weekly phone meetings
are a big deal for you and you attend them
faithfully and try your best to use (work)
whatever tools are placed at your disposal, you
will get better! There
are plenty folks who go to live meetings in
person even five times a week - and still do
not get better! So, surely the attitude, honesty
and desperation are what really matters. The
rest is really siyata di'Shmaya!!
|
|
|
794. |
Monday ~ 2 Tamuz,
5770 ~ June 14, 2010
|
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Attitude
Tip of the Day
Running After Thin Air
"Yosef Hatzadik" writes:
I heard from Rav Osher Zelig Rubinstein, Rosh
Yeshiva of Toras Simcha in Yerushalayim:
"America was founded on three universal rights
as enumerated in the Declaration of
Independence: Life, Liberty, & the Pursuit of
Happiness.
Life - They have life,
Liberty - they have liberty,
The Pursuit of Happiness - They are still
pursuing it!
They will never find it!
True happiness can only be found in
Spirituality!"
The fantasy of the Yetzer Horah is only during
the pursuit. There is nothing of
substance.
Chazal say: "Hirhurei aveira kashim m'aveira
- the thoughts of sin are worse than sin". Why?
Because the whole test and struggle is only in
the thoughts and in the anticipation. The moment
that someone actually does the aveira, it loses
its luster. He will already be fantasizing what
he can do next to fill the void he feels,
because that void that never goes away.
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Testimonial of the Day
Coming Clean
"YuroJew" writes in his first post:
I am very happily married with B"H a house full
of children. I have been suffering from a lust
addiction for decades, since I was a teenager.
I have had my ups and downs. I even looked into
joining a 12-Step SA group, but my Yetzer Hara
got the better of me convincing myself with
various arguments that it wasn't for someone in
my life situation. About a year ago, I finally
came clean to an old Rebbi of mine who I knew
would understand what I was going through. Just
coming out and speaking to someone who
understood me was a tremendous relief. B"H as a
result, I don't think that I have had a major
fall since then. But then of course, you know
what happens. I joined Facebook for some "work"
related project, and lo and behold, who do you
think all of my "friends" were? Still, I think
that my earlier meeting or my more cognizant
awareness that Hashem was watching kept me from
the severe falls of the past. Then things
weren't working out as planned and I felt the
urge to fall overcome me again. I thought I
should pick up the phone and speak with my Rebbe, but
I was lazy. Then a couple of weeks ago, I
stumbled across an outdated link to a post from
what looks like the guardyoureyes forum with
suggested online shuirim to help with the
struggle. I listened to
Rabbi Reisman's shuir from
Yirmiyahu. It was very encouraging. I
went back telling myself that whoever posted
this was on to something. It was then that I
came across the real guardyoureyes website,
which for years is something that I have been
searching for. It is truly a lifesaver. Words
cannot describe my gratitude to Hashem and to
all you guys for the work you are doing. Reading
the handbook felt as if a ton of bricks was
lifted from me. I felt like the handbook was
written all for me. It's like someone was there
in my brain and knew exactly what I was going
through. I knew that B"H my life was in for a
major change. I am almost done my first read
through of the book. I joined all of the daily
Chizuk emails. Reading them for a couple of days
now, I know that this is the place for me. Today
I joined
the 90 days wall and the forum.
Boruch Shechyanu
V'Kiyamonu L'zman HaZeh
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Battle Communication
Think: "What Am I Doing?"
Someone wrote on the forum:
Since my last fall, I can't seem to get back up.
I keep falling lower and lower, again and again.
I can't stop myself.
"Shnook" replies:
First of all, get out of the house. Go sit
somewhere where it's nice in the outdoors,
maybe on a park bench watching children.
It's time to have a TIME OUT and CATCH YOURSELF.
It's time to think and take stock.
And that's not going to happen unless you MAKE
YOURSELF.
Bring along a pen and paper, if it makes it
easier.
Think: What am I doing?
What is really important in this world?
Would HaShem give me this Nisayon if I couldn't
beat it?
I can do this, I
want to
do this.
I will not become a slave to my addictions. I am
sick and I want to get better.
Then come up with a list of things to stop: Like
viewing bad websites, reading inappropriate
things that trigger you, watching movies,
talking to members of the other gender, looking
at them, fantasizing, Mast*, etc.
Now decide, what is the most pressing? Which of
these behaviors can I say is the most urgent to
be addressed, the main cause of my falls, the
real reason I am stuck?
You have to stop
triggering yourself.
Now set up a small red-line. Just say, Ok, this
week I will not go to those news sites, read
romance or watch these videos. I WILL NOT.
Do you understand though, that once you set up
this line YOU MUST KEEP TO IT?
If you do not keep to it, you will get even more
depressed and give up.
Therefore you must recognize the urgency of
keeping to it.
You do not want to be lost forever.
You want to beat this.
You don't want to end up married with kids to a
good person and still have this problem.
It is IMPERATIVE THAT YOU BEAT THIS!
Please get back on track here, I know you can do
it. Don't forget, Elul is approaching and you
would like to stand before HaShem saying 'I am
working on this, I'm getting somewhere'. You
want to feel hopeful and good about yourself,
and proud on this day that "YES, unlike other
years, I have begun to conquer what I've always
promised you, HaShem."
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Daily Dose of Dov
Dov is sober in SA for over 13 years. See his
story
here.
The G-d I Know
Someone wrote after a fall:
The charatah is finally kicking in..... I
am on the verge of tears.... what will I say to
the Borei Olam?
What will be left
of me?What will I take with me to the next
world? Tatte!!
"oy lee vay
lee... oy lee miyom hadim, oy lee miyom
hatocheicha..." I shed many tears today...
Dov Responds:
The G-d I know, patted me on the head one day
and helped me see that:
... I need not be
afraid of chadrei chadorim any more - because I
invite others into it when I openly admit the
truth about my behavior in (safe) meetings.
... I need not
worry about whether I have charata or not -
because the ikkar was 'chosair min haseifer' all
the years that I had the
charata. Today I've got the
ikkar... I am sober today.
... I can really
trust Him (at least sometimes!) to give me what I
need when I
need it. And that includes charata as much as it
includes intimacy and sex (and they are both parts
of avodas Hashem, so I won't say "l'havdil"...)
... I can't pay
much attention to my aveiros - I can look at
Hashem instead. (I've embarked on the path of shivisi
Hashem lenegdi somid,
rather than the path of vechatosi
negdi somid.
I need to do what works for me.
... When I do
what I need to do, Hashem will help me lose the
secrets and lies; get the charata; get the love;
and be mekayem
"vechatosi
negdi somid"
- somehow
too.
... I screwed up
running my life, and I even screwed up doing
teshuvah - but it's gonna be OK because now I am
finally learning how to work
for a different Employer than me.
... All the
charata and years of sobriety or kedusha in the
world is not worth a single moment of
comfortable subservience to Hashem's Will. He is the
Boss. Once we accept that, He seems to allow all
the weight of the garbage to slip off us. We
then start to see lust (and our aveiros) as
something that doesn't define us
any more. We actually grow from
it.
And that is the
experience of most recovering people I have met.
So take it easy,
trust a little, get the heck out of His way, and
go one step
at a time, chaver.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dov Continues:
After re-reading my post, I just wanted to add:
The trick is to accept that this
stuff can actually
be done incrementally.
It's weird, but true. Every addict I know has
discovered that he can actually get a
little bit better
today - even though that seems like we are just
being louder hypocrites!
But we discover that we aren't hypocrites if we
admit that we are just unable to
be totally honest, change Employers and finally
give our lives to Hashem, etc., etc....
now.
Part of us
screams that it's either all or nothing... and
that is a lie. So be brave enough to seem
hypocritical and take one measly step today with
all of us.
|
|
|
795. |
Tuesday ~ 3 Tamuz,
5770 ~ June 15, 2010
|
|
In Today's Issue
12-Step Workshop With Harvey
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Today I had the unique opportunity to join a
12-Step workshop with Harvey, one of the
founders of SA (Sexaholics Anonymous)... He's
sober for 26 years from a raging sex addiction
that was completely out of control. Harvey is
Jewish and semi-religious (he puts on teffilin
every day) but he said that he definitely
believes in miracles, because splitting the Yam
Suf was "easy pickin" compared to G-d getting
Him sober :-)
I took some notes from the talks, and I'd like
to share some of the wisdom that I heard from
him. I may do this over the coming few days, as
I type up more of my notes. Here are some of the
things he said:
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The
12-Step Program
The 12-Step program is (le'havdil) sort of like
Torah she'bichtav and Torah sheba'al peh. The 'bichtav"
part of it is the
Big book of AA and the
White Book of SA (which is a supplement to
the Big Book geared towards lust addiction). The
"Ba'al Peh" part of it, are the things my
sponsors shared with me, and I, in turn, share
with my sponsees - and with you here today. Many
things we do in the program are based on the
oral traditions. They are passed down from
sponsor to sponsee.
The program is there to protect me from me.
I'm an important person to protect. G-d loves
me.
One of my sponsors in AA told me that if they'd
invent a pill that would cure alcoholism, he
wouldn't take it. Why? Because then he might
think he doesn't need the program. You see,
Alcoholism,
Sexoholism,
etc... all these "ISM's" stand for "I",
"Self"
and "Me".
A pill might stop the acting out, but it won't
stop the insanity. Addicts think only about
themselves.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Making Fences
There's no such thing as "technical sobriety".
I'm either sober or I'm not. And I need to make
my own bottom-line boundaries. If I walk in to a
porno store, then
even if I don't
look at anything, I've just lost my 26
years of sobriety. If I walk into a locker room
in a health-spa, I've lost my sobriety. If I
have sex with my wife twice in one day, I've
lost it. Because it means I am using her. Each
person has to define their own boundaries. If we
know that certain places or behaviors lead us to
act out, then we have to make those places or
behaviors our bottom line sobriety (meaning that
breaking any one of those boundaries means
losing our sobriety).
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The
Disease
We can't do the first step before we believe
"The Doctor's Opinion", and that's why it comes
first in the Big Book. The Doctor's
opinion says that this is a physical allergy
accompanied by a mental obsession.
If we don't believe we have an allergy, how can
we be powerless? If it's just a sin, well, we
know right and wrong. If I'm a bad person
who needs to get good, I'm not powerless.
However, if I'm a sick person trying to
get well, I'm powerless and can be helped
by a power greater than myself.
What makes it a physical disease? There are four
chemicals in our brain that are related to
addiction: Endorphins - which are like a natural
narcotic, Serotonin, Dopamine and Norepinephrine.
These chemicals are released through the acting
out, and they ingrain addictive pathways in our
minds. Patrick Carnes says it takes a full year
of not acting out before the brain can begin
rewiring healthy pathways. It can take sometimes
many
years for things that used to be triggers to
stop being triggers, and for us to stop noticing
everything around us as we used to.
(The program helps us learn what to do about our
mental obsession, not about the physical
disease.)
We don't necessarily get "drunk" once we're
acting out already. Once we decide to open the
computer and view porn, we're already "drunk".
By the time we get to the porn or mast*, the
dopamine in our brains is already being
released. Dopamine is a memory-reward chemical
that causes us to remember only the good parts
of what we did last time. It blocks out the
smells, money wasted, time wasted, trouble we
caused, etc. from our memory...
It's never enough. In addictions, the dosage
needs to get bigger and bigger for us to get the
same effect. And that's why it's a progressive
disease. In the early days of SA, one of our
members had a relapse and began erotic phone
calls with a woman. He ended up going down to
her house, and when he discovered that she was
an old lady, he cut her heart out (murdered
her). He was in prison for the rest of his life.
This disease is deadly. I have gotten calls from
frantic women whose husbands just hung
themselves. It will kill us if we don't make
recovery our #1 priority.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Relations
Even though we are called "sexaholics", we are
not powerless over sex. We are powerless over
lust.
When I'm with my wife, I can't allow any
fantasies into my head if I want to remain
sober. But if I don't have any fantasies, I
can't be sure it will work. So before relations,
I say the 3rd step
prayer and give it over to G-d. If it works, it
works, and if not, not. And all throughout
relations, I am talking to G-d. I feel him in my
body, flowing through me.
I don't have the powerful climaxes that I used
to. I hardly feel it sometimes. But that's Ok.
Because if I go up a mountain, I'm going to have
to come down. But if I start calm and end calm,
I am there for my wife afterward as well,
instead of turning around and going to sleep.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
One Day at
a Time
If you need the bathroom badly while you're
driving and you see a sign that says "1 Mile to
Rest Stop", you'll be able to hold back. But if
you see a sign that says "15 Miles to Rest
Stop", you'd better get out of the car and do it
on the side before you have an accident in your
pants. Sobriety works the same way. With the
help of the group, we don't act out even
if our tush falls off - just for 24
hours.
This is not will-power. It's the
opposite
of will-power. When we get the thought of acting
out, we admit our powerlessness. We know we
can't do it ourselves, so we pick up the phone
and make a call to a fellow member and tell them
the truth about what we want to do: "I want to
see porn", or "I want to do so and so". But we
do this BEFORE we act out, not AFTER.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Sharing
with Others
The disease lives in secrecy. The more secrets,
the more insanity; the less secrets, the less
insanity.
In religious circles there's a lot of shame,
because we think
we should be better, so "if I still do
these things, I must be bad". We need to
understand that although we do shi*y things,
we're not sh*t. There's a big difference. We do
sick things because we're sick,
not bad. We're sick getting well, not bad
getting good.
We're so used to shame, that if we try to let go
of shame, we feel uncomfortable. Like someone
who is used to folding his arms one way, if he
tries folding them the other way, he'll want to
put his arms back the way he's used to. But if
he folds his arms the new way for long enough,
he'll get comfortable with that, and the old
way will become uncomfortable. It's easier for
us to call someone AFTER we fell because we're
so used to shame. We're so used to saying to
ourselves, "oh, I'm such a bad guy, such a
loser, etc..." Instead, we need to get rid of
the shame and call BEFORE we act out and admit
"I want to look", "I want to act out", etc...
That's a lot harder, because we're not used
to letting go of shame. We are used to "poor
me, poor me... pour me a drink", as they say in
AA.
The book "Recovery Continues - The Joy Response"
explains that we have a disease that is
connected with temptation. We want to drink it
in with the eyes. When we call someone and admit
that we want to act out, we get a joyous
feeling. We are able to
transcend
the temptation.
All humans have sexual desires. But an addict's
natural instincts have gone WILD. When we share
our obsession with someone else, it stops it
from going wild. A burden shared is half as
heavy. My thoughts are so heavy, but once I
share them, they are much lighter and not as
hard to carry, and then they just leave...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Truth &
Falsehood
My disease lies to me with the truth. It tells
me lots of 'true' reasons why I need to do
various things that I know could lead to
relapse. But I'd rather die than live the way I
was living before, so I have to recognize those
"truths" as lies.
The disease lives in our heads. When I'm
"thinking", I'm behind enemy lines. We need to
turn off our minds and listen with our hearts.
The truth is not what I tell you, it's what you tell you.
When we listen with our hearts, we will hear
what G-d wants us to hear.
|
|
|
796. |
Wednesday ~ 4 Tamuz,
5770 ~ June 16, 2010
|
|
In Today's Issue
12-Step Workshop With Harvey (Part 2)
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Yesterday I had the unique opportunity to join a
12-Step workshop with Harvey, one of the
founders of SA (Sexaholics Anonymous)... He's
sober for 26 years from a raging sex addiction
that was completely out of control.
Yesterday we brought some of the wisdom we heard
from him, and today we continue with some of the
notes I took at his talk:
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
We Have
the Tools
In Yiddish there are two words for eating,
"Essen" (eat) and "Fressen" (Pig out). In the
religious community, we are taught from youth to
transcend the "Fressen" by making a Bracha
before eating. The Bracha helps us take the
animal instinct to a new level. And the Bracha
for us is automatic, we don't even need to
think, it just comes out of our mouths before we
take that first bite.
In the same way, and addict needs to learn to
automatically say a prayer each time he gets
a lust hit or sees something triggering. It
needs to be automatic: "G-d, may I find
in you what I seek in that woman", or "G-d, let
her be freed from her lust", or "Thank you G-d,
for reminding me I'm still an addict".
The religious community has these tools already.
We grew up with them. But for some reason
there's a "block" that tells us "these tools
belong in Religion, not in Addiction". We need
to learn to use those same tools in our
addiction.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Keeping It
Simple
This is not Talmud. There's no need to figure
out our addiction with our heads. We need to
listen with our hearts and keep it simple. The
disease lives in our head, but the program
doesn't work unless it enters our hearts.
The legendary football coach, Vince Lombardi,
once gathered his team at half-time when they
were doing very poorly and said: "Guys, we need
to get back to the basics". And he bent down and
picked up a football and said, "This is a
football".
Don't think too much. Keep it simple.
Just for today, don't do things that lead you to
act out - NO MATTER WHAT.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Euphoric
Recall
When we have a lustful memory of something we've
seen or done, it's called euphoric recall.
That's bad for our disease. But we tend to
remember only the good parts. We need to try and
remember the bad parts as well, and associate
the memory with the bad parts. And the bad parts
are the real truth, because if it
was so good, why did we need it again so soon
afterward? When we eat a good steak, we don't
feel desire for another good steak for at least
a few days! So why do we need it again so fast?
Because the bad parts, like the time we wasted,
the smells, the money, the damage we caused,
that is the REAL truth. (Remember the smells of
the feet, the smells of the semen, the smell of
the floor cleaning agents they use in those
porno stores)...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The First
Three Steps
Step 1:
Powerlessness. When I get a thought, I need to
act on it. I can't stop the action.
If we don't admit powerlessness, we think that
WE have to stop it. So we don't
let G-d help us.
Step 2:
A power greater than ourselves can restore us to
sanity. "I can't stop, but I can pick up the
telephone and call someone." The power of others
outside of us can help us stop.
Step 3:
Once we learn how to let the power of
others help us, we can learn to let the
power of G-d help us. "I'm lost. I can't do this
myself. I give it to you G-d".... "Relieve me of
this bondage of SELF".
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
When Lust
Attacks
Wear a rubber band on your wrist. If you feel a
lustful thought come on,
1)
admit powerlessness,
2)
snap the rubber band on your skin (ouch!)
3)
report your lust to another person
The addiction loses its power when we share with
others, and when we hear from others that they
too have the same thoughts. When we see this is
normal, it lightens the power of the obsessions.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Talking to
the Disease
I often talk to my disease. Like if I wake up in
the morning thinking, "I'll get some from my
wife tonight", I tell my disease, "If you think
that one more time, I'll refuse even if she asks
for it!" Or if I get an erection in the shower
from soaping there too much, I tell my disease
"If you don't leave me alone, I'll walk out of
the shower right now, even with all the soap on
me!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Erections
We are powerless over erections. Erections are
normal. G-d made them so we can have kids.
Addicts are convinced that they have to put the
erection somewhere. When we get an erection, we
need to tell ourselves, "I am powerless over
this, this is not about sex, it's just the
body's reaction." We addicts are used to putting
every feeling of ours into our "member" since
we're young. It's just this crazy energy. Close
your eyes and imagine that this energy is going
down through your legs and out into the
ground... Or that it goes up into your heart and
out of your bodies... Spread out that energy or
call someone...
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|
|
797. |
Thursday ~ 5 Tamuz,
5770 ~ June 17, 2010
|
|
In Today's Issue
12-Step Workshop With Harvey (Part 3)
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Two days ago, I had the unique opportunity to
join a 12-Step workshop with Harvey, one of the
founders of SA (Sexaholics Anonymous)... He's
sober for 26 years from a raging sex addiction,
and today he sponsors many frum people and gives
talks all over the world.
For the past two days I've been bringing some of
the wisdom I heard from him, and today we
continue with some of the notes I took at his
talk:
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Too Late
We often get disappointed in G-d when He doesn't
help us. But by the time we ask for help, it's
usually too late. We can't walk around
a seedy district
at night alone with lots of money in our pocket
and expect G-d to save us. They say in AA,
"G-d is so powerful that even if the alcoholic
lifts the bottle to his mouth, G-d can knock it
out of his hands. But statistically, He
doesn't do that."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
To Any
Lengths
We have to be ready to go to any length to stay
sober. For my first year of sobriety, I would
not enter any store by myself. I would not go to
the city center by myself for
two
years. I went to three meetings a day for two
years! Because I know that I'm so sick that if I
don't go to any length, I'll quickly end up in
jail or dead! As they say in AA.
"There are only
three choices: Covered Up (buried), Locked Up,
or
Sobered Up."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Progressively Sensitive
Even as we're sober, the disease progresses and
we get more and more sensitive to lust triggers
over time. It's like a smoker. While he's
smoking, he doesn't smell anyone else's smoke.
But the longer he's quit for, the more he'll be
able to smell smoke in the room, on people's
clothes, etc...
I can't watch most movies. I was recently
watching a TV series about vampires that I
really enjoyed, and two seasons before the last,
there was a kissing scene. And I called my
sponsor and decided I can't watch this anymore.
And that was very hard for me, because I had
watched the whole series and this was the last
two episodes. Letting go of something we want
feels like death.
But I erased the recordings I had, and as soon
as I had let go of it, I felt a joyous feeling.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Acceptance
We can't accept G-d's power to help us (step 3),
until we first accept the power of the group
(step 2). In the groups, we see that we can
share all the crazy things we did, and people
still accept us. That gives us a vision or a
glimpse of how G-d, who is so much bigger, can
accept me as I am. After all, He made me! He
knew what I would do even before I did it!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A Decision
If there are three frogs on a log and two of
them decide to jump off, how many are left?
Three! Deciding to jump is nothing
unless they
jump. In step 3 we make "a decision" to
give our will and our lives over to the care of
G-d. But a decision means nothing without
action.
So steps 4, 5, 6, 7 and 8 are how we do step
3.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Not My
Will, But Thy Will Be Done
In step 1 we are powerless.
"We
admitted we were powerless over lust."
But in step 11,
we get the power
back. As the 11th step states:
"We
sought through prayer and meditation to improve
our conscious contact with God as we understood
Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for
us and
the power
to carry that out." We get the power
back, but it's His power, not
ours. My Will will kill me.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Letting Our Will Go
Through the steps we learn how to let go of our
will.
Lust is not our real problem. Our character
defaults are our real problem. As we work though
our resentments, jealousy, dishonesty and greed,
we see that our addiction stems from our
character defects, (and most of our character
defects stem from "Fear").
In
step 6 we tell G-d, "Take this sh*t away, I
don't want it. I am entirely willing for You to
remove these character defects".
Many times we are not really ready yet for G-d
to take it away. We say, "G-d, take the
masturbation away from me, but don't take the
porn". That's like saying, "See the cancer on
this arm, G-d? Please take it away. But the
cancer on my
other arm, I'm not ready for You to take
away"...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Making Amends
Step 10 says,
"We continued to take personal inventory, and
when we were wrong, we promptly admitted it."
That means doing steps 4 through 8 every
day.
When my wife says something hurtful to me, even
if she's wrong, I make amends and apologize for
having talked to her in that "tone of voice".
And when we disagree, even if I'm sure she's
wrong I'll tell her, "you might be right". This
helps me not to get upset at her.
|
|
|
798. |
Friday ~ 6 Tamuz,
5770 ~ June 18, 2010
Erev Shabbos Parshas Chukas
|
|
In Today's Issue
12-Step Workshop With Harvey (Part 4)
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Three days ago, I had the unique opportunity to
join a 12-Step workshop with Harvey, one of the
founders of SA (Sexaholics Anonymous)... He's
sober for 26 years from a raging sex addiction,
and today he sponsors many frum people and gives
talks all over the world. (He is not so frum
himself, but he claims his "Yiddishkeit" is
"evolving".)
For the past few days I've been bringing some of
the wisdom I heard from him, and today we bring
you a live recording from his talk (under five
minutes).
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Download a recording of Harvey talking about the
11th Step
over here.
The recording is not so clear, but I
transcripted what he said below. The reason I
found it so moving was because twice, while
talking, tears filled Harvey's eyes and his
voice broke (once at 2:45 and once at 4:02 in
the sound file). That is how real our
relationship with G-d needs to be.
The 11th
Step says:
"We sought through
prayer and meditation to improve our conscious
contact with God as we understood Him, praying
only for knowledge of His will for us and the
power to carry that out."
Here is a transcript of the recording:
Let's do the 11th step. This is a
very tough step for this group
(Harvey was talking to
a mostly religious group). You're
professional "prayers". It's what you do. For
you, meditation is going to be very important
(see below for some
notes on meditation from Harvey).
Many of you have learned to pray without
necessarily having a connection. You've been
doing it since you've been children... It's like
learning 2 X 2 is 4 ... 4 X 2 is 8. In my case,
I can't hardly understand the prayers. So I've
had to make it alive. And how, for me, do I do
it? I spent at least two years finding every
thought I can in the prayer book and in the
Torah that proves how much G-d loves us. That's
what I did to make it alive. So when now I'm
reading the Amidah, I'm not seeing a lot of
things except words like "Loving Kindness".
No religion I know do you have G-d telling us so
clearly who He is. And He tells us what AA tells
us in the traditions. The traditions say, "We
have a loving G-d". And where does He tell us?
In the - I don't know the Hebrew - in the
13 Attributes. And when you read the 13
attributes and meditate on them, you will get
the true flavor of Love, and what Love is. And
for all of us who were talking before about
these layers of forgiveness, it
(the 13 Attributes)
talks about every type of forgiveness.
Each one of us need to find a way to make G-d
alive in our lives. And it's so interesting for
me to watch how so many people derive their
spiritual quest from the Bal Shem Tov. And here
was a man trying to tell us how to get this
personal relationship to G-d. You know, through
Psalms, through talking to him... What gets me
the most is that beautiful story of that
prayer of Erev Yom Kippur and the illiterate
shepherd boy who couldn't speak Hebrew, he was
illiterate, and he juggled the balls - if you
know the story - he was a juggler, and that's
all he knew to talk to G-d that day
(Harvey's voice
breaks), and the Rabbi was able to
say, "we've been saved this year. He has opened
the gates of Heaven".
We each have to find in the 11th step
the method of talking to Him. My sponsor said
that I need to talk to G-d like he is my best
friend. And as if he is sitting next to me in
the car, and talk to him all through the day
like I would talk to a friend. And the way I do
it, is through prayers my sponsor taught me. He
said, "G-d has a lot to do. He is very busy. He
doesn't need very long prayers all the time. He
loves little prayers. The smaller they are, the
more He loves them." The one He especially loves
is very small, "Help me", you know, "Helf mir"...
"Help me. I can't do it myself G-d, Help me".
And another one he just "kvells" over is, "Thank
you".
And that's my prayer throughout the day. I talk
to G-d throughout the day. I tell Him about the
green leaves
(Harvey's voice breaks again), about
the sky, about walking on the streets in
Jerusalem... I'm having a constant talk with
Him, thanking Him that I got up alive...
Now, this is not unique, different things, I'm
telling you. Most of you all wake up in the
morning and you're supposed to say - you're
supposed to, I don't know, I put on Teffilin,
that's about it - but you're supposed to say, "Modeh
Ani"... that's how you start your day - in
Gratitude. And so you want to... for me, I
need to keep this constant conversation in
gratitude...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Harvey
Discusses Meditation
Meditation is where we try to quiet our minds.
Like the Pasuk says in Tehhilim, 37:7:
"Dom LaHashem
Ve'Hischolel Lo", and in 131:2 it
says, "Im lo
shivisi ve'domamti nafshi, ke'gamul ali imo,
gegamul alai nafshi".
Silence the mind.
I often tell people, "shut it off, it's over
time". The disease lives in our heads.
The word "spirituality" comes from the Latin
word "Spiritus", which means "Breath".
"VaYipach Be'Apav
Nishmas Chayim". The word Neshama
and Ruach both come from "breath". When we
meditate, we breath deeply and we count our
breaths.
Anger and resentment have to do with the PAST.
Fears have to do with the FUTURE.
Breathing is a way to stay in the moment.
G-d lives in the NOW.
Rest your brain and just breath, or meditate on
a line of prayer and internalize it deeply. This
helps us learn to live in the NOW.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Parsha
Talk: Chukas
It says in this week's Parsha: "Zos HaTorah,
Adam Ki Yamus Ba'Ohel" -Chazal learn from this,
"The Torah is not acquired unless one is willing
to die for it."
Lehavdil,
Harvey ended his talk with the following
message:
It is true that we can lose everything by
sharing our secrets with strangers in the
groups. But chances are it will happen a lot
faster if we don't get sober.
Our addiction is a disease, like diabetes. If
the wife of a diabetic would tell her husband
not to take the insulin because she doesn't want
to be married to someone who takes insulin all
the time, well, she won't have a husband for
much longer!
If we don't put our sobriety first because we're
afraid to lose what is precious to us, we will
probably end up losing it all anyway. But
when we're willing to lose everything and put
our sobriety FIRST, we often get to keep
everything precious in the end.
|
|
|
799. |
Sunday ~ 8 Tamuz,
5770 ~ June 20, 2010
|
|
In Today's Issue
-
Personal Victory of the Day:
Decide for
Yourself
Attitude Tip
of the Day:
Just One More...
Quote of the
Day: An Addict Can't Taste Life
Testimonial of
the Day: Not "All Alone" Any More
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Personal Victory of the Day
Decide for Yourself
A "Magid Shiur" from our forum sent me an e-mail
the other day:
Last night I
wasn't feeling well, and on the way to Yeshiva I
still wasn't clear what I would say in today's
shiur.
On the way to yeshiva, I saw something "very
interesting" coming in my direction. The way I
always reacted in such cases was to look really
intently until she subconsciously realizes, and
then quickly turn away. Then as she passed, I
would then give another good close look to make
sure that I didn't miss anything important.
This time, I kept my head down. As she passed, I
just closed my eyes - since that is the hardest
time.
I really felt
good doing that, and I said to myself, "this
will give me koach for the whole day".
In the middle of the shiur, I suddenly thought
of the most amazing p'shat. After shiur, many
boys approached me to tell me how amazing the
shiur was.
So tell me, are the two stories related or not?
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Attitude Tip
of the Day
Just One More...
By "YuroJew"
I had a chiddush this morning on the concept of
"one day at a time".
The meforshim
explain that Teshuva should mimic the form of
the aveira. For example, if you ran to do
averios, then run to do mitzvos, if you sinned
with your money, do mitzvos with your money,
etc.
Well, I'm sure
many of you are familiar with the phenomenon
where we're looking or reading something we know
we shouldn't and we tell ourselves, "okay, just
one more picture, video or story and then I'll
stop". After the second, third, fourth, etc. we
keep on telling ourselves the same thing. "Just
One More." Eventually, maybe fifty or hundred
later, we stop.
Maybe we should
try to use that same thinking in recovery as
well. "You know, it's hard to recover, so I will
just stay clean for one more day" (or if really
hard, one more hour) and then I'll stop"... And
just keeping on telling yourself the same thing
after the second, third, fourth hour/day. If we
keep it up long enough, G-d will have to help us
and we won't stop even at fifty or hundred!
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Quote of the
Day
An Addict Can't Taste Life
From "Frumfeind"
Imagine the alcoholic going to the opening of
the world's most exclusive restaurant. The tab
is at least a thousand dollars and he waits
hours on line for the privilege of paying to eat
there. Finally he gets his table and sits down.
The waiter brings him the menu and he orders a
cup of wine to get started. He then orders the
first course and some more wine. Before the
second course, again some wine. He is so
absorbed in his wine that he doesn't notice the
unique ambience and the custom paintings. The
specially designed table and chairs pass him by
completely. He is just happy with his wine. The
reporters ask him to describe thee experience.
He answers, "the wine was great".
On the chol
hamoed trip, the lust addict is absorbed in
checking out all the frum women.
Waiting on line
in the store, the same thing.
His life's
schedule is just, "when he can get back to the
computer?".
His whole life is
just a backdrop for the great search for Lust.
Everybody likes
wine and looking at women, but the lust addict
is consumed by the search for
lust. A normal person who sees a pretty women
will look, but he will not be staring at every
women to find "that woman".
Everyone enjoys
that cup of wine, but they can also enjoy other
things.
The lust addict
goes to see the Swiss Alps, but all he sees is
the tank top across from him in the cable car.
The alcoholic
didn't taste the food and the lust addict
can't taste life.
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Testimonial of the Day
Not "All Alone" Anymore
By "AllAlone"
I have almost daily interaction with Rabbonim
and Roshei Yeshiva for various reasons. Last
night, I attended a wedding in Cleveland
together with around 700 others... Anyway, it
was a wedding of two powerhouse Rabbinic
families, and I used the opportunity to poll the
different Rabbonim at the wedding about internet
porn addiction.
When I tell you
that every Rov, yes every Rov, had
multiple stories, I'm not lying. I begged and
pleaded with each Rov to please send their
mispallelim to GYE and to support this very
chashuv program. I came close to admitting to
one particular Rov about myself (I know he has
suspicions right now...but that's ok) but I
think it's important that we, as a GYE
community, at least speak about the issue to
Rabbonim we know well, and encourage them to
encourage others to join us.
Honestly, I
thought I was alone, as my username indicates. I
literally thought I was the only ben-Torah who
had this addiction. I thought that curbing that
addiction was impossible. I thought that Hashem
hated me... But because of this forum, because
of this ability to share the truth, I'm now
completing over a month of cleanliness...
Let me share what I have done:
-
I have
internet filters on my laptop (my chavursa
has the password)
-
We have a
strong internet filter at home (my wife has
the password)
-
I have
downloaded a filter for my Iphone...
-
I have increased my tefillos to Hkb"H,
because I have learned that Hashem really
does love us all, no matter how "bad"
we've been.
What have I not done:
-
I have not
intentionally searched on line for porn.
-
I have
stopped looking at trigger web sites,
including FoxNews.
-
I have not
watched any porn in hotel rooms on my
travels.
-
I have not
attempted to flirt with any women.
-
I have been
good (not great, but pretty good) at not
looking at scantily clad women.
All of this I have done - or not done -
for the sake of gaining closeness to my Creator
and my loving family.
I have learned that this is a marathon and not a
sprint... We're in this together, forever.
|
|
|
800. |
Monday ~ 9 Tamuz,
5770 ~ June 21, 2010
|
|
In Today's Issue
Attitude Tip
of the Day: OUR WILL WILL KILL US
Q & A of the
Day: How Do I Stop?
Article Quote
of the Day: You Got to Love Me!
Tip of the
Day: Today's Goal
Daily Dose of
Dov: My Sobriety Cost Me My Entire Life
Savings
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Mazal Tov to GuardYourEyes on Reaching Today:
Please send a
donation to help us continue helping others.
Please use the PayPal options on the right side
of our website
www.guardyoureyes.org
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Attitude Tip of the Day
OUR WILL WILL KILL US
If we feel the insanity setting in...
If we feel we must give in and can't hold
back...
If we feel that if we don't give in to our will,
we'll die.
Remember:
It's all
a lie.
We won't die if we don't give in
to our will.
It's the opposite.
OUR WILL WILL KILL US.
Only when we let
GO of our will,
Only when G-d's will is done through us,
Only then can we really LIVE.
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q & A of
the Day
How Do I Stop?
"I'm a college student and I have a problem with
occasional masturbation at night. What should I
do to avoid the sin completely?"
Elya, moderator of the
Thursday night phone conference, responds:
This is a disease of isolation. We are
desperately looking for connection with Hashem
and/or another human
being to fill up the hole in our soul, which
causes us to numb out with fantasy. Then we feel
bad and to feel
better again, numb out again.
You cannot avoid
the sin completely. Koheles (King Solomon) said,
"There is no man who has not sinned." There
will always be triggers, anger, isolation,
loneliness, sadness. It's what
we do with these when they occur that makes all
the difference. You cannot just avoid the world
and live in a cave the rest of your life. Well,
you can, but there are probably no caves where
you live.
Figure out what
is making you want to escape into fantasy land.
Usually it
is one of the character traits above. Fear,
loneliness, anger, resentment. Eliminate these
from your heart and you'll
be free.
How? Join a 12
step group on the phone, or in person in your
city. Read
the materials on the site - the GYE Handbook and
the Attitude handbook. Get
a sponsor or a friend to talk to. The more
SPECIFIC you are when you share with them, the
more you release the shame and guilt from
your body and you'll be free.
Read recovery books and materials before you go
to bed.
Make an accounting of your day before you go to
bed. Were you angry, short tempered? Is there
someone you
need to apologize
to? Did you spend your day helping someone else,
or were you isolated and self absorbed?Get up in
the morning and pray to Hashem to help you.
That's a start.
Write me back and let me know when you've
started at least 3 of these.
Remember, doing
the same thing over and over again and expecting
different results is INSANITY. It's
your choice: SERENITY OR INSANITY.
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Article
Quote of the Day
You Gotta Love Me!
By Yonatan Udren from
the Arutz Sheva Blog
"You should love the Lord Your God," we are told
in the second paragraph of Shema. But there is
an obvious problem with this passage: how can
love be commanded?
Imagine a young couple on their first date, with
all their anxious smiles and nervous
toe-tapping. Just before they part ways, the
young man tells the woman, "You gotta love me!"
Suddenly, this budding relationship comes to a
screeching halt.
Love is something that is earned through time,
trust, and commitment. It is not something that
can be given through demands. So how can Hashem
command us to love?
The Sefer
Musar Avicha
(Ahava 4) teaches that a blazing
flame of love for Hashem is constantly burning
in the soul, giving pleasantness and sweetness
that no words can describe.
If this is so, then why don't we experience
these intense feelings all the time (or for
some, at all)?
When we disconnect ourselves from this light
through an unbalanced relationship with our
world. We weigh ourselves down by prioritizing
the physical over the needs of the spirit. Such
a lifestyle is in complete opposition to the
nature of the soul.
The commandment to love Hashem is not a
directive to stir up an appropriate emotional
response. It is a dictate to peel away the
layers of darkness that are masking the light
that is constantly shining. It is returning to
our natural state of balance between body and
soul, which is a place of experiencing constant
love for Hashem.
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Tip of the
Day
Today's Goal
By "Yechidah"
Today is the Klausenberger Rebbe ztl's yahrtzeit.
The Rebbe ztl
said as follows:
In my youth, I was considered a bright and
diligent student. How did I accomplish this? I
tricked my yetzer hara. Other children had great
plans at the beginning of the school year for
the whole year, but in the end they failed. I
said to myself, "I am going to plan just for
today - and set goal for this day only". The
Satan, not being interested in a single day,
left me alone. The next day, I again just made
plans for that day, and so on until the end of
the year.
What the Rebbe wrote about tricking the yetzer
harah, we can do with our struggles as well.
When you wake up in the morning, make a goal to
be clean for that day only - no matter what,
and the Satan will leave you alone. (And then do
the same thing tomorrow as well!)
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Daily Dose of Dov
Dov is sober in SA for over 13 years. See his
story
here.
My Sobriety Cost Me My Entire Life Savings
A few minutes ago I checked out a link in an
email-type thingy from a good friend. There was
an ad on the side of the page that popped up. It
was not healthy for me and I turned the page up
to avoid the torture and the danger.
OK... now comes
the fun part:
A minute later it
occurred to me to do something to let him know
it was not a great link to send to me. I wanted
- really wanted
- to check the ad out again, cuz maybe the one I
saw was not the normal pop up for that page.
Maybe it just happened to
be that kind
of ad this time.
Maybe I should just leave him alone... I just
had to check it out!
Heh, heh....
Something in my
gut said to me: "Is it worth perhaps maybe
jeopardizing sobriety for this?
Why risk it at all?" My sobriety is like a
delicate glass object that cost me my entire
life savings. I carry it around with me and it's
a bit crazy, but there's no place else to keep
it, cuz it's my sanity!
Stupid to carry around, but - here it is! Can't
afford to get too distracted from it or it may
just roll out of my hands and crash to the
floor. Not enough crazy glue in Belleview to put
it back together again....
So I just let my
friend know in a cryptic way and went on. Not my
business to make a big deal about it and I'm not
here to save the world from themselves, either.
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