801. |
Tuesday ~ 10 Tamuz,
5770 ~ June 22, 2010
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In Today's Issue
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Seven
Announcements/Points of Interest
Poem of the
Day:
With Him I Can
Testimonial of
the Day: Where is My Burden?
Daily Dose of
Dov: An Entirely Different Track
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Seven Announcements/Points of Interest
1)
The Forum Should be Faster Now (Click the
link to learn why).
2)
We're Looking for a new FILTER GABAI (Click
the link to learn more).
3)
Do you travel a lot? See
this thread for some tips. Exchange ideas
and solutions for how to stay strong.
4)
Dov has recently launched a virtual SA group on
the forum and by phone. If you want to join, see
the "10 Agreements"
over here.
Agreement #6 speaks about talking to Hashem for
5 minutes each day. Someone in Dov's group wrote
today:
"Talking to Hashem is great. I got into the
subway today, and I had a
choice of either
worrying where to look or just putting my face
in my
hands and talking to Hashem the whole ride. It
was a wonderful experience."
5)
Last week I had the unique opportunity to join a
12-Step workshop with Harvey, one of the
founders of SA (Sexaholics Anonymous)... He's
sober for 26 years from a raging sex addiction
that was completely out of control.
Download here a PDF of notes I took from his
talk. Most of my notes were shared in four
different Chizuk e-mails last week. We got a
good response from those e-mails. One guy wrote:
"Hey Guard,
Just wanted to let you know that these chizuk
e-mails containing wisdom from Harvey were so
amazing and insightful. They are truly inspiring
and helpful to me. I am going back and
re-reading them. Thank you so much for all that
you do. You are a true Oihev Yisroel. May Hashem
Grant you your heart's desires for the good!"
6)
Yesterday upon reaching Chizuk e-mail #800, we
added the last 50 chizuk e-mails to our archives
on our website. See the top of
this page for access to all 800 previous
Chizuk e-mails. (This
page contains the last 50 e-mails.)
7)
Someone asked Elya, moderator of the
Thursday night phone conference:
"Would you please send me something to help when
I'm driving home from work and being pulled to
distractions from the side of the road?"
Elya sent him "The Swish Pattern" Technique.
Click here to download it.
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Poem of the
Day
With Him, I Can
By Ano-nymous
The thoughts are relentless. They give me no
rest.
Why have I this
struggle? Why have I this test?
A master
blueprint, a master plan.
So far beyond the
thoughts of man.
For this I am
here, and I will do it well.
Never mind
heaven, and never mind hell.
Alone I am
helpless, this is beyond man.
But the one who
fashioned it, with Him, I can.
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Testimonial of the Day
Where is My Burden?
"TeshuvahIlaah" writes:
Day 33 coming up. I have so far steered
completely away from p__ & m__. Thankfully, lust
is not an issue and I haven't entertained it
with my eyes or mind. All in all it's been a
very useful experience. My hope is that things
progress, more and more and more.
How incredible is
this site? It is beyond description. I thank all
of you for simply being here. A special thank
you goes to the administrators of this site, all
those who provide so much good to every visitor
on this site. People come here to heal. They
come here to beg G-d for mercy. To beg G-d for
help. They come here to cry out from deep
within, beginning an amazing return to life.
This is a remarkably holy place.
A funny thing
happened to me today. I was reading Tikkun
HaKlali on the bus ride home. I got off two
stops past my stop; it was the only way to wrap
up my reading without interruption. As I walked
off the bus, I felt different. I felt better.
Not a "joyous" better, but a "not under the gun"
better. It just felt like a normal day, my
burdens not weighing me down. I thought, Hey!
Where is my burden? I know it's here some place!
I looked for it but couldn't find it.
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Daily Dose of Dov
Dov is sober in SA for over 13 years. See his
story
here.
Join Dov's Virtual SA Group
Here.
An Entirely Different Track
"Struggling&StrivingBT" writes:
So, like all, becoming a Bal Teshuvah has by no
means been easy, and I'm by no means there yet.
One of the hardest parts has been in the area of
"self gratification". While intellectually, I
understand what is so bad about wasting seed, I
sometime have trouble attaching my heart to the
idea. I feel like a hypocrite; how can I know
it's wrong but do it anyway, how can I daven and
keep the mitzvot and avoid all these other
prohibitions, but this one thing I can't stop?
Then, in not wanting to deal with the weight of
my actions or fall to despair, I try to look it
as lighter or ignore it, and so I can't even
make since Teshuva for it. Does anyone have any
advice on attaching ones heart to the belief
that this is wrong?
Dov Responds:
Supposing you finally got the
true idea of how horrible the aveiro of zera
levatola is, clearly in your mind. And it also
became so real to you, that you'd say it's now in
your heart.
It sounds like you are convinced it'd stop you.
Or that, at the least, you are saying that it'd
help you a great deal to stop, even if you'd
still have some struggle. So far, am I on track?
You may be right.
But I don't have experience with success that
way. I tried, and can point you in the same
direction I took to get some of the tremendous
guilt and disgust that I thought would finally speak
to me...
OK. I'll spare you. But
I fully respect anyone who goes that
way, as
long as they succeed.
There may be
another way completely for you to gain freedom.
The 12 Steps do not look at the folly of sin at
all (except in the very first step), and are an entirely different
track than what it seems to me that you are
describing. The Steps don't sound very religious
to many. And they essentially are
not about
religion. They
are about our receptiveness to religion as a
force of growth in our lives.
They are about
cultivating integrity, self-honesty, maturity,
and G-d-centeredness.
The people who live them, all seem to say they
got some of these things from working them,
along with the ability to remain sober
one day at a time.
But it seems that
so far, your focus on the evil of
looking (and I agree that it surely is evil!)
has only brought you to attend even more to the
lust objects! So. We all know that wishing it
away just makes us think about it even more,
which is the Problem to begin with! No chidush
there.
I'm just plugging
what works for me today. There are many who go
very different ways and get better, so I suggest
you search recovery in some way, then settle
down (with help of friends in recovery) and do
it.
Do it like we all did the addictive behavior:
daily without fail, with "tzniyus" (we hid it or
did whatever else we needed to do in order to
preserve it!), honestly (we acted out very
personally and earnestly), and sparing no
expense or trouble.
You are already
very lucky to be here! Hatzlocha!!
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802. |
Wednesday ~ 11
Tamuz, 5770 ~ June 23, 2010
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In Today's Issue
Self Discipline
Testimonial of
the Day:
"Kidoshim Tihiyu; It's who we are"
Daily Dose of
Dov: Is
our problem a "Lack of Simcha"?
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Anecdote of
the Day
Self Discipline
Rav Elchonon Wasserman practiced Shivisi HaShem
L'Negdi Tamid ("I always envisioned G-d before
me"). For that reason, he absolutely never
laughed or smiled. Or perhaps it was in mourning
over the destruction of the Bais Hamikdash:
"Then (at its rebuilding) your mouths will be
filled with laughter," but not until then. The
only exceptions were when a mitzvah called for
rejoicing, such as at a wedding; also, when he
would quote the Chofetz Chaim, his face would
relax into a slight smile. As part of this
severe self-discipline, he would never slip a
hand into his pockets. During the most biting
cold of winter, his hands - red and frozen -
would be gripping his coat buttons.
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Testimonial of the Day
"Kedoshim tihiyu; It's who we are"
"Shmiras" writes:
Be'H I will complete my second year of no porn /
zera livatala very soon. To me, shmiras
habris is the most important thing in the
world. My first year's tactic was to read GYE
and other material as much as I could. This past
year, I decided to just not think about it at
all, because thinking about not
thinking about this kinda stuff still leaves it
in your head. It did work in a lot of ways, and
it did wonders for keri too, but since I
am not constantly reiterating the importance,
I've been feeling the need to be mitchezek
recently and so I hope to start posting more on
this forum.
Lev tahor b'rah lee elohim.
The words and tune repeat themselves in my head
and on my lips as I read and reread through the
postings on this site. So many Yidden, so many
truly pious Jews, hanging on for dear life,
begging for a chance to move on.
It's been a huge struggle for all of us, hasn't
it? Is there anyone out there that can
understand each unique place all of us come from
that leads us to where it does, while we
struggle to tear ourselves away? It seems we've
tried so hard. This upward slope, ridden with
pitfalls. Pushing through the rough terrain, we
have those times that we see the meadows. But
much of it is spent in the darkened forests of a
world which threatens to drag us in... to
destroy us at the very core of what make us
Jews.
Kedoshim t'hiyu.
It's who we are. But built in, is the Yetzer
Hara! What does he truly want? I believe R'
Tzadok Hakohen writes a song of the Yetzer Hara.
It is his job to take us away from our true
potential, from who we can be. But silently, the
Yetzer Hara himself hopes that we will win over
him. Even as he turns his power on us and we
fall to his wiles... All that time, he is
silently rooting for us to beat him.
Lev tahor.
That's the goal here. It's what we all want. And
yet, as we promise ourselves and Hashem, day in
and day out, we attain levels, and sometimes
there are slips... falls... r"l... But in all of
us, all the while, our hearts are crying and
screaming to Hashem that we just want Him.
TATTEH, IS THAT TOO MUCH TO ASK??? Can it be
that Hashem will turn us down, when all we are
doing is requesting His presence, requesting His
closeness, His embrace?
It is a gift we've been given, to even have the
will to
combat it in the first place - in today's world.
What does Hashem want? He wants the same
thing... "asei ritzono kirtzonecha - make His
Will like your will". We've done just that.
Our wills are in congruence with each other. We
want to find Hashem, and Hashem wants us to find
Him. Through the struggle, through the
temptation... in the darkness... through the
tfillah... we find Him. All we can do is keep
asking Hashem: "Al tashlichayni milfanecha...
v'ruach kadshecha al tikach mimeni". Al
tikach? Don't take it away? Where is it?
We have it. We must have Hashem's ruach
hakodesh, being that we are asking Him not
to remove it. It is with us. It always has been.
It's who we are. And no matter what, we can't
let anything tell us otherwise. We just have to
keep asking for what we want. Because merely by
asking for closeness, we are already
attaining that closeness.
Let's ask again... together... right now.
- Shmiras
"Leap - and the net will appear"
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Daily Dose of Dov
Dov is sober in SA for over 13 years. See his
story
here.
Join Dov's Virtual SA Group
Here.
Is our problem a "Lack of Simcha"?
A profound piece from Dov
Everybody contributes their own perspective on
deep and broad things such as what living
with Simcha means,
and whether our root problem is
the lack of Simcha or
whether it is really something else.
I'm also here to
share my chelek
for the benefit of whoever wants it. What I have
discovered is the following:
Yes, living with
Simcha is what Hashem wants, and what we want.
Yes, living with Simcha does not necessarily
mean dancing and feeling great while r"l dying,
losing a loved one, or losing our sobriety. Rav
Twersky pointed out to me (in his nice book "Let
Us Make Man") that to him, accepting suffering b'simcha simply
means accepting it rather than running from it.
That will only happen if we accept that
it must be for the best, that it has a purpose.
It's a
totally different
experience than just knowing that
everything is for the best and is for a purpose.
(Knowing without accepting is not
enough). Being a huge talmid chochom may have no
impact on my acceptance, at all.
For example, the calm we felt as children
witnessing our mothers or fathers (especially
when we misbehaved), will often speak louder to
us in this than the Torah ever will. We
internalized that it's "ok" even when things
didn't go their way. And conversely, if they
freaked out when things did not go their
way (and
"things" may include: me, other people, their
business, life, or health, etc.), I may have
learned that "it's just horrible when things do
not go my
way!"
So all the "information" about
Hashem, Torah, and emunah, will likely be
irrelevant if my heart feels that the way things
are really "supposed"
to work is my
way.
If you agree at
all so far, you may be wondering what hope there
is. In other words, "how do we change our hearts"?
Put simply,
working the 12 Steps in a chevra of real people
actually changed my heart. I came to feel
differently about G-d, about myself, and about
other people through working the steps with my
sponsor (another addict).
But I cannot give all the
credit to that, for the other two factors were:
Hashem, of course, and surprisingly, my Lust (l'havdil)!
B"H, my Lust
drove me to see and do things differently - cuz
I had to
get away from it, and still do. I took some
direction, worked the steps, and apparently
Hashem made (and still makes) the actual changes
within me happen,
in order to stay sober. Not to be a better
oveid Hashem, mind you, but for me to stay
sober. "Al
kein yoreh (from
a loshon of "forcefully
throwing"
- as in "oh yaroh yi'yareh" by har Sinai)
chatoim
(that's me)
ba'derech." In the end, am I doing
Hashem's Will any better? It sure seems that way
to me.
And so it may be
as far as "living with simcha" is concerned:
Working or focusing directly on "living with
Simcha" may be a giant waste of time for many of
us. It was for me. Just like working directly on
living without the tyranny of Lust. A total
waste of time... look at my track record.
On the other
hand, when my actual attitude toward Hashem,
toward myself, and toward other people truly
changed a bit (through working -
not reading - the steps, in my case), I finally got some
of the Simcha, and finally got
some
of the freedom from Lust.
So, maybe our
entire problem is our
lack of Simcha! But to me, the nature of the
problem is not always relevant. As Rav Twerski
says: knowing I have a broken leg will not heal
the leg. It's only what
I need to do about it that
matters. So, some here may be more inclined to
respond by fixing it ourselves, i.e: "being
more besimcha". I choose
to respond by not
concerning myself with simcha (or with "beating"
lust), at all!
Instead, I learn to accept the truth about
myself, Hashem, and other people. As a result, everything in
my life is getting better - on His timetable.
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803. |
Thursday ~ 12 Tamuz,
5770 ~ June 24, 2010
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In Today's Issue
WebChaver - Don't Go it Alone!
Anecdote of
the Day: The King and the Pauper
Daily Dose of
Dov 1: Giving
Up, not
Giving In
Daily Dose of
Dov 2: Teshuvah = Hashem's Will for Me
Today
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Filter Tip of
the Day
www.WebChaver.org - Don't Go it Alone!
Do you have accountability software installed
yet?
Don't trust yourself. Filters can be
broken, loopholes can always be found. When lust
attacks, an addict will find a way to get his
"FIX". Only Accountability software may stop us
in such times. Make sure someone you respect (or
fear) is watching!! There's no excuse not to
install WebChaver. It's only $3.95 a month and
it will send reports of your browsing history to
anyone of your choice. It only takes a few
minutes to sign up. Do it.
As Rav Yochanan
Ben Zakai blessed his students, "May your fear
of heaven be equal to your fear of man". And his
students asked him: "Rebbe, is that all?". And
he answered: "Halevai!".
The truth of Rav
Yochanan Ben Zakai's blessing is pointedly
illustrated by this story of Rav Amram
Raban Shel Chassidim (Kidushin 81/a):
Some women who had been taken captive were
redeemed and brought to Nehardai. They were kept
in the attic of Rav Amram the Chasid and the
ladder was removed. At night, a beam of light
reflected off one of the women, revealing her
beauty. Rav Amram was seized with lust and he
moved the ladder (which normally needed 10
people to move it) and began to ascend. As he
was halfway up, he screamed "There is a fire in
Rav Amram's house!" and the Rabanan flocked to
his house. After they saw that there was no fire
they said to him "You embarrassed us (with your
behavior)!". Answered Rav Amram: "It is better
to suffer embarrassment in this world than in
the next".
We may ask, if Rav
Amram had so much Fear of Heaven that he was
determined enough to call out "Fire!", why
couldn't he just have stopped himself? The
answer is, that Rav Amram knew that unless other
human beings would be introduced into the
equation, he was powerless to stop himself from
the power of the lust. This amazing story shows
us the immense value of "human"
accountability.
Is there anyone
among us who will say he is stronger than Rav
Amram? We are faced with these desires every
day, in the privacy of our homes and only a
mouse-click away! We must have
accountability to succeed in breaking the
addiction. If the fact that Hashem watching him
was still too "abstract" to stop even Reb Amram
Chasid from the power of lust, it is surely too
abstract to stop
us when we are faced with lust.
Install
WEBCHAVER today. Don't wait for the next
fall Chas Ve'shalom!
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Anecdote
of the Day
The King and the Pauper
By "7Up"
We are far from perfect. We sin, we fall, we
fail.
And we come to
HKBH with requests for life, health, zivugim,
etc. and when we are ready to show what we are
giving in exchange, we open our palm and
discover - nothing!
What do we have
to 'pay' for these gifts?
Our palm lies
open, and empty.
We lower our eyes
in embarrassment. We are asking for a free
handout.
But we don't back
down.
A poor man approached the king, asking for his
daughter in marriage, open access to his
treasure house, his palace etc. And in exchange
for the kings most precious treasures he
offers... nothing. What chutzpah!
The next man
comes to the king. He also requests the
princess, wealth, and access to all good the
king can offer. In exchange, he brings a wagon
loaded with gold; all ready to buy what he
wants. Aha! Now here's a real mentch!
But wait! The
King shocks the world by choosing... the pauper!
Turning to the
rich man, he says: "I am the richest and most
powerful in the world. I own everything. Nothing
you give me comes close to what I have already.
Do you really think that your paltry gold coins
are enough to buy you anything I own?? What do I
need your money for? You can not "buy" me."
To the pauper he
explains: "You understood that nothing you have
can ever compare with what I am, and what I
have. You came empty handed and asked me to
bestow good. And when I asked what you were
offering in exchange for all these gifts, you
answered honestly:"
So we say to Hashem:
"My king; I have nothing and I am nothing
compared to you. But one thing I CAN do for the
king. I can take these gifts, and I can show
them to the world. And I will tell everyone I
meet who gave them to me, and I will sing your
praises and try make the world understand what a
kind and caring king you are to your loyal
followers. Not only do I not deserve the kings
good, but quite the opposite; I deserve to be
punished for all the times I accidentally failed
you! Yet you treat me with kindness anyway.
I have no way to ever repay you for all you give
me, king. But I can promise to always try."
We can't ever deserve HKBH's chesed.
Hashem doesn't
expect us too, as He knows it's impossible.
All He asks is
that:
- We ask
humbly,
-
Appreciate it once He gives,
- And tell
the world Who gave it.
Because He loves
us. Unconditionally.
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Daily Dose of Dov
Dov is sober in SA for over 13 years. See his
story
here.
Join Dov's Virtual SA Group
Here.
Giving Up, not Giving In
When we talk about "surrender" in the first
step, it doesn't mean "falling", at
all.
Those who
surrender do not act
out. They never do.
It makes one free of the lust because we get out
of Hashem's way and allow Him - yes, allow Him -
to remove it. At least temporarily. It is in
surrendering that we let go of the lust
"opportunity". The surrender (or "giving up") is
of two things
simultaneously:
1 - the
lust opportunity
and
2 - the
need to overcome the overwhelming desire.
Those who think
that "giving
up"
has anything whatsoever to do with giving
in to the temptation have
never done it themselves yet, and have not yet
tasted this
derech of recovery.
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Teshuva = Hashem's Will for Me Today
The very phrases "Hayom al
l'vovecha" and "asher Anochi metzaveh es'chem Hayom"
in kriyas sh'ma are both darshened by chazal to
mean that His proclamation here is new -
today is the first
day we
have heard of it! Now, to me, this is precisely
living one day at a time. It is an approach to
life in kriyas sh'ma itself. It reminds me each
time I say it that Hashem is concerned with how
I do today. Not yesterday, nor tomorrow. Teshuva
is only relevant inasmuch as it affects today's avodah.
Hashem asks for one day at a time - should we
ask for more?
Still, there are
times that the way we understand teshuva doesn't
work. It weighs us down in today's avodah. That
is when I need to say, "I guess I do not
understand teshuvah right now". Instead, I need
to do what works right now so that I do Hashem's
Will for me now.
It usually turns out that what I thought was
teshuvah, was really tikkun, a later part of the
teshuva process that is poorly understood and
often jumped into by all us guilty types to
relieve the terrible burden of guilt we carry.
Quite idiotic in my case. And as Chovos
Hal'vavos says (right at the start of sha'ar
hateshuvah), the definition of
Teshuvah is behaving
correctly right
now even though I have screwed up badly in the
past. It is not about fixing anything. Hashem fixes,
or helps me fix.
In the
middle-ages, yidden were motivated to behave
better by remembering that malochim or worms
would bust their eyeballs if they looked at lust
objects; that zera l'vatola was murder of doros,
etc... I have not met anyone with a long-term
lust problem who actually got better by focusing
on that alone. But I have met
many who learned how damaged they were, and
accepted that they need to treat themselves
differently than they thought, because they have
an allergy to lust and are hard-wired to feel
that it is truly in
their best interest to
use schmutz or masturbate. (After all, that is exactly what
it means when we feel inside that we absolutely need it,
right now... isn't it? And we have all felt
that way, no? That we needed it... that's
why we "fall", R"l.)
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804. |
Friday ~ 13 Tamuz,
5770 ~ June 25, 2010
Erev Shabbos Parshas Balak
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In Today's Issue
Big Mouth, Big Eyes
Testimonial of
the Day:
Ain Ben Chorin Ela Mi Sh'Osek ba'Torah
Attitude Tip
of the Day: What We Are
Really
Seeking
Daily Dose of
Dov 1: What Recovery is About
Daily Dose of
Dov 2: Feeling Clean is an Afterthought
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Parsha Talk: Balak
Big Mouth, Big Eyes
By "Bardichev"
This week's Parsha contains the lesson of what
happens to the ultimate baal taavah
(pleasure seeker).
Chazal teach us
that Bilaam's Power was with his mouth.
Another thing
Chazal tell us is that Bilaam had an "ayin
rah - an evil eye".
What was the
significance of these two evil things?
Bilaam was the
head of the koach hatumah - the forces of
impurity.
What was his
power?his mouth
Bilaam had a
powerful mouth. Very powerful. His mouth was an
Atom
Bomb - a weapon
of mass destruction. He had the power to rip out
all of
klal yisroel with
his evil mouth.
Another power he
had was his evil eye. He had the power to make
an ayin hara.
Instead of using
these powers in a constructive manner, he was
perverted and
evil. He thought
these were his powers.
Came Hashem and
showed him.
Aha, big mouth!! Look, a donkey has a koach
hadibur - power
of speech.
A powerful eye? Ha!! Look, your donkey has
sees a malach and
you didn't!!
What's the
lesson?
Simple.
We take our G-d
given talents and blessings; some are Handsome,
some are
smart, others are
charming, some are kind.
We think that
this is our doing. Therefore we DESERVE
something.
Instead of being
humble and serving Hashem extra, to repay
him for the
extra kindness,
we become perverted. We say we deserve more.
We want
more. I
can never be happy or satisfied.
This leads us to
self destructive behaviors.
Hey BIG EYES and
BIG MOUTH, take a lesson from a donkey!!
Good Shabbos
Bardichev
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Testimonial of the Day
Ain Ben Chorin Ela Mi She'Osek Ba'Torah
By "Shnook" (a Teenager)
You know how they say that the Torah's
restrictions free a person?
Well by working
on myself to overcome this addiction, I am
really starting to feel it down to my bones and
tummy.
It's like, now
that I don't come home, collapse on my bed, open
my laptop and 'do my thing', I am so much freer.
Let me explain:
By setting
boundaries, restricting myself, I can do so much
more.
I am no longer
wasting hour after hour gazing blankly at a
screen.
I am doing stuff;
calling people I haven't spoken to in forever,
writing emails, letters, cute notes for my
siblings.
I am stopping on
the street to shmooze with people, cuz why rush
home, right?
I am cleaning up
and reorganizing everything.
I'm putting
together puzzles, hanging out with my siblings,
taking my siblings and neighbor's kids on
outings
Even my writing I
enjoy more, because I'm not just 'trying to get
it over with'...
My life is so
much richer and exciting and fulfilling now that
I don't let myself 'do whatever I want'
That's what it
means, "keeping the Torah so that you can be
free" - it means you can have the best life that
is possible for you.
Not being a slave to our desires, opens us up to
true freedom.
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Attitude
Tip of the Day
What We Are
Really Seeking
If you travel a lot, share your thoughts and
tips on
this thread.
Someone who was traveling in China sent us an
e-mail that he was feeling weak and had began to
slip in the area of Shmiras Ainayim. He was
worried that it might lead to a fall. Here is
our reply:
Such times are truly a test, and through them
you can reach tremendous growth. Hashem is with
you in China, just as He is always. Remember
what Dov always says, "no situation can be bad
enough that a little lusting won't make it even
worse"... The things we are looking for in lust
are really a subconscious need for love, warmth,
comfort, security, etc... And we need to keep
reminding ourselves that we WON'T find it in
lust! Our minds make us think that we will, this
is the chemical make up of our nature, but it is
an illusion. As a matter of fact, the more we
pursue the lust, the LESS security, warmth and
comfort we will find. Once we open the door to
these behaviors, we become slaves to our basest
desires and we become filled with insecurity and
a deep subconscious fear that we will be out of
control. And this leads only to a viscous cycle
of needing more lust to calm those fears, and it
never ends.
Instead, we need to remember that all that we
are looking for in the lust can be found only in
Hashem. With
Him lies true love, pleasure, security,
warmth and all that we seek in lust - but will
never find. You may have seen things already
that you wish you hadn't, but what you saw
doesn't define you. Like Chazal say,
Im Paga Becha
Menuval Zeh... You aren't the Menuval,
He is. But he wants you to think that YOU
are dirty, so he can get you to fall.
The only real and meaningful question for you to
ask yourself now is, "what is Hashem's will for
me TODAY?"
Ask Hashem to give you sobriety and sanity
just for today. He will.
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Daily Dose of Dov
Dov is sober in SA for over 13 years. See his
story
here.
Join Dov's Virtual SA Group
Here.
What Recovery is About
Recovery, as far as I know, is not about
improving ourselves at
all, it is about getting the heck out of G-d's
way and allowing Him to
fix us. Those are not words, it is subtle but
totally different mindset.
And as far as
stopping "once and for all", it's on Hashem's timetable,
not ours. Whether I use lust tomorrow or not is
none of my business at all. Only today. Also,
not just words, but a true state of being.
Hashem seems to work in increments - and we are
often not aware that we are improving at all,
but discover it in retrospect.
All I know is
that I cannot expect an
iota of
change if I am still doing the same
things.
I gotta try something else.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Feeling Clean is an Afterthought
Someone wrote:
Bh I'm still clean, but I don't feel clean. I
have practically not been nichshal in two weeks,
even in shmiras haynayim. Of the hundreds of
opportunities to look and see things in the
street, I only sneaked a peak five times in two
weeks. Amazing, but I still don't feel clean.
Dov Responds:
Two weeks? Take
your time, chaver.
I heard an alkie say that his problem was never
drinking - it was sobriety! Living without
alcohol was unbearable.
Are you saying
that living without using lust is uncomfortable?
If so, don't worry: everyone I know who ever got
sober felt that way at one time or another, and
most acted out as a result. They got the sense
knocked back into their heads after going
through that cycle a few times. I never had to,
b"H. I just watched them doing it for me!
There is more
to do with you, and He's going to do it, don't
worry - it will get
interesting, I promise!
To me, the
feeling of cleanliness is a fringe benefit. It
was actually the last thing I ever expected when
I came to recovery. What I was really after was
just staying alive and keeping my G-d. Oh, and
also "my" wife, children, parents, friends, job,
and community.
Feeling clean was
a (worthy) afterthought, at best.
|
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|
805. |
Sunday ~ 15 Tamuz,
5770 ~ June 27, 2010
|
|
In Today's Issue
In
Honor of the Yartzeit of the Ohr Hachayim Hakadosh
we present the:
TaPHSiC Method.
Click here to download a PDF of this method
(same as this e-mail).
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"The
Physical
&
Spiritual
Combo"
Method
TaPhSiC
Method ("Tafsik" means "Stop!" in Hebrew)
A powerful method for Frum addicts
We all want to stop. Whenever we think of the
"big picture", both spiritually and physically,
we realize that sooner or later we HAVE to stop.
But we often feel like two different people. We
ask ourselves, do I have Yiras Shamayim or don't
I? What repercussions will it take to finally
stop me? Do I have any hope?
Here is a method that has worked well with many
Frum addicts, in helping them stop these
destructive behaviors completely. It may not
work for high-level addicts or for people with
very little Yiras Shamayim, but for most frum
addicts this method has worked wonders, and it
has freed many people from the obsession.
So how
does it work?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Part 1
What
Doesn't Stop Us?
The first thing we need to do is to face the
truth about ourselves.
"Abstract" spiritual repercussions don't
generally stop me, even though I believe:
-
This is one of the most serious aveiros.
-
I am destroying my soul.
-
I am creating other destructive souls.
-
I am losing Siyyata Di'shmaya in all of
my life (as the pasuk says, "ki yireh becha
ervas davar veshav me'acharecha").
-
I am cutting off my connection with Hashem.
-
I am desensitizing myself to spirituality.
-
I am making it ever harder to do Teshuvah.
-
It is making me feel like a hypocrite in all
other Mitzvos I do.
-
I am destroying the "Yesod - foundation", of my
entire spiritual structure.
-
My kids can likely 'sense' that I am not sincere
in my Yiddishkeit, overall.
-
These behaviors may likely spiral into worse
aveiros.
-
I am/will likely end up cutting myself off from
the World to Come.
-
Moshiach may come soon, and how will I face him?
In spite of the above, my Yiras Shamayim will
generally NOT stop me from:
-
Looking at porn
-
Masturbating
-
Even if I make a shavuah to stop/avoid it, I'll
end up breaking it sooner or later; the desires
are just too powerful.
Don't feel bad
that your Yiras Shamayim is not strong enough to
stop you. It doesn't mean you don't have any.
When Rav Yochanan Ben
Zakai blessed his students before he died he
said, "May your fear of heaven be equal to your
fear of man". And his students asked him: "Rebbe,
is that all?". And he answered: "Halevai!".
And even Rav
Amram Raban Shel Chassidim (Kidushin 81/a)
wasn't able to stop himself when faced head-on
with lust, without resorting to drastic
measures. And as the Ohr Hachayim Hakadosh -
whose Yartzeit is today -
writes in Parshas Acharei Mos 18:2, that the
addictive
nature of these behaviors is so strong that
without special "G-dly Strength", it is
practically impossible for someone who has
started these behaviors to stop, regardless of
how much Yiras Shamayim they may have. (For a
translation of that Ohr Hachayim in English
click here to download a PDF file.)
The physical "SHORT TERM" repercussions don't
stop me either, even though:
-
It makes me depressed.
-
I lose time from work.
-
I lose sleep.
-
I lose money.
-
I lose a close connection with my wife.
-
I feel distant from my children.
-
I don't have time for anyone but "me".
-
My whole life revolves around my next "fix".
-
I feel like a slave to my desires.
The physical "LONG TERM" repercussions don't
stop me, even though:
-
My behaviors may be found out.
-
I can lose my good name.
-
I can lose my job.
-
I can lose my marriage.
-
I can lose my children.
-
My children may have a hard time with Shidduchim.
-
My children may need therapy one day for the
trauma they may go through.
-
My behaviors will likely get worse.
-
I can end up in jail.
-
I can catch diseases.
-
I can end up suicidal or dead.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Part 2
What
Would Stop Us?
Now that we have faced the truth about ourselves
we need to ask: What physical and spiritual
repercussions WOULD stop us?
Spiritually speaking, what WOULD stop me?
-
I would not be Mechalel Shabbos to view porn, no
matter how bad I wanted it. I would be able to
wait 24 hours.
-
If the only way to get porn in the coming 24
hours was by eating a Ham sandwich first, I
probably would hold out and not do it for 24
hours.
-
After I finish fully giving in to my desires, I
don't want to throw the rest of my Yiddishkeit
away. I feel bad about it and I really do want
to "come back" to Hashem. If I had a choice to
push a "stop these aveiros forever"
button, I would press it then.
What does this all show me? That I still do have
a holy spark within me, and that my Yiras
Shamayim is still existent. It may not be
enough to stop me in general, but it is strong
enough to make me want to get rid of these
behaviors AFTER the act. And even before
the act, it is strong enough to enable me to
hold out for a while - when the spiritual
repercussions are BIG (like Chillul Shabbos or
eating Treif). What we can see from this is that
there ARE spiritual repercussions that would
stop us, if they were only BIG enough - and/or
when we're not under the spell of lust.
Now let's look at the physical side of the
coin. What WOULD stop me?
-
If I was about to act out and someone walked in
to the room, would I continue?
-
If every time I acted out, I would become racked
with pain, would I continue?
-
If there was an electronic eye following me, and
every time I acted out, my wife or Rebbe would
find out right away, would I continue?
-
If every time I acted out I would feel sick and
I would have to take a bus to the hospital, stay
there for 2 hours, and get a shot to return me
to normal, would I continue?
What does this all show me? That there ARE
physical repercussions that would stop me, if
only they were BIG enough.
To sum up: Although the "normal" physical and
spiritual repercussions, both short term and
long term, are not enough to stop me, there
still do exist spiritual and physical
repercussions that WOULD stop me, if they were
big enough and immediate enough.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Part 3
Finding
the Perfect Formula
So all we have to do now is find the perfect
formula; a combination of spiritual and
physical repercussions that ARE big enough to
stop us.
On the spiritual side, we have seen that AFTER
the fact (when the desires have been quieted),
we are much more willing to do what it takes to
stop the NEXT occurrence. And we have also
seen that we are able to hold out better when
the spiritual repercussions are BIGGER.
So let's try this:
If we made a Shavuah in the name of Hashem (and
actually pronounce Hashem's name) that AFTER we
act out (on our bottom line behaviors) we will
do x,y or z - would we keep this Shavuah?
I believe we all would. After all, it is AFTER
the acting out. The desires have already been
silenced and we feel bad. We don't want to throw
away the rest of our Yiddishkeit. We would NEVER
be Mechalel Shabbos now just because we acted
out 5 minutes ago. So would we not keep a
Shavuah that we made in the name of Hashem? Will
we transgress one of the 10 commandments "Lo
sisah es Shem Hashem Elokecha lashav - Do
not swear in G-d's name in vain"? Surely we will
try very hard to keep our Shavuah.
(Note: Normally making vows is frowned
upon by our sages as with someone playing with
fire, but when it comes to girding oneself from
sexual temptation we find that making vows is
praised by the Torah and by Chaz"al. As the
Pasuk says "Nishbati Va'akayeima, lishmor
Mishpatei Tzidkecha - I have vowed and will
uphold it, to guard your righteous laws". And
also it says "Nishba Lehora Velo Yamir - Oseh
eileh lo Yimot Le'olam - He who swears to
prevent bad and does not nullify... he will
never falter". And Chaza"l also say that Bo'az swore
to guard himself from transgressing when Ruth came
to him in the silo at night, as it says "Chai
Hashem, Shichvi ad haboker - "In the name of
G-d, lay here until morning".)
So now we need to address the PHYSICAL side of
the equation. What will we make the Shavuah to
do?
It has to be something hard and painful. Not
too hard that we would be willing to even
trample on Hashem's name c"v, but hard enough to
make us not want to act out next time.
Something we know will hurt, but something we
know we can - and will - keep.
Some examples might be: "Shvuah bisheim
Ado-nai - for one week, that if I masturbate,
then within the following 24 hours, I will:
-
tell my wife.
-
tell my Rebbe.
-
take a bus to the kever of a tzadik and stay
there for 2 hours before coming home.
-
fast for 24 hours.
-
give 'x' (a painful) amount of money to Tzedaka.
(This doesn't always work well for everyone).
At first, these Shavu'os should be for short
periods of time (like the example above - i.e.
one week). If we see that this is working well,
we can extend the Shavuah for longer periods of
time. If we see that the deterrent turns out not
to be strong enough for us, we might need to
find something a little more painful.
It's a delicate balance, but with careful
thought and siyatta dishmaya, most Frum
addicts can find the formula that really works
for them, over time. And once we have found it,
we will know. There will be a sudden feeling of
joy - a tremendous new freedom in our lives. We
will feel like we have literally been freed from
the self-imposed "prison" that we have been
living in for so many years!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WARNING: Although TaPHSiC method is very
powerful, finding the perfect formula is
delicate and DANGEROUS business. If we vow to do
something too painful, we run the risk
that we'll break our vow, which besides for the
serious sin, can lead to deterioration since the
person can chas veshalom feel that if he
has transgressed this terrible sin, there's no
hope for him anyway!. On the other hand, if it's
not painful enough, there's always the
risk of continued falls. Feel free to
send your Shavuah ideas to us before making
them, for advice.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
NOTES: The TaPHSiC method
is like putting an electrified fence at the edge
of a cliff. If you come close to the edge, you
will be "shocked" and back away. However, it
goes without saying that if someone continues to
walk alongside the edge of the cliff, the
repeated shocks will start becoming very
painful. At some point, he may just turn the
electricity in the wires off, which will lead to
a fall soon after. Or at some point, even the
electricity won't help and he'll stumble and
fall through the fence.
Therefore, in conjunction with this powerful
method, it is vital to put up other fences as
well; fences that will keep us far away from
the "edge of the cliff". This means
installing a good filter. And on top of that
filter, we need to install an "Accountability
system" as well, such as
eBlaster or
Webchaver which sends reports of our
internet usage to someone we would be ashamed to
disappoint. This makes the "physical
repercussions" all the more real, and keeps us
far from even trying to find loop-holes in our
filter.
We also need to learn to keep busy and to
replace our acting out with alternative
fulfillment, such as finding hobbies that
interest us, spiritual discovery and growth, and
reconnecting with life more; with our wives,
kids, family, friends and community. (See our
Kosher Isle for some great ideas on hobbies,
activities and spiritual growth.)
Also, for some "higher-level" addicts, the
withdrawal symptoms can become excruciating.
Therefore, it is advisable to have a support
system in place before trying the TaPHSiC
method; either a therapist or a live SA group
where we can share our pain in withdrawal, or
even a good friend (from
the forum perhaps) who we can call and "talk
it out" with when times get tough.
Also, for some addicts, living suddenly without
the "drug" we have come to rely on can lead to
serious depression or a deep feeling of inner
void. A psychiatrist can evaluate us and
subscribe temporary medication that can take
"the edge" off these feelings. For example,
there are SSRI medications today that have
almost no side effects and can be taken for just
a year or so, until we are more balanced and
more used to living life without our "drug".
The bottom line is, that although this
method is like putting a strong electric fence
at the edge of the cliff to stop us when all
else fails, we need to continue to use the
many tools of
the GYE handbook to keep ourselves safely
away from the edge.
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|
806. |
Monday ~ 16 Tamuz,
5770 ~ June 28, 2010
|
|
In Today's Issue
The GuardYourEyes Parlor Meeting -
Please Help.
An E-Mail from
Rabbi Twerski:
"Daas Torah?"
Announcing a
New Hot-line in Israel: Feeling Stuck?
Call Yechezkel.
Strengthening
our Walls: The Fast of the 17th of Tammuz
Attitude Tip
of the Day: We Won't Blow Up
Quote of the
Day: By "Shan"
Medical Tip of
the Day: SSRI Medication
Daily Dose of
Dov: We Must
Replace
the Lust
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Announcement
The GuardYourEyes Parlor Meeting
We Need Your Help!
The third birthday of GuardYourEyes is coming up
next week. B"H, we have helped around 1,000
Yidden into recovery from lust addiction. But
our success is still just a drop in the ocean.
There are tens of thousands of Yidden who
struggle with these issues, and many of them
don't even know about our work. Also, we don't
have the framework in place to accommodate such
amounts of people yet. All our work to date has
been done with almost no resources. The time has
come to take our work to the next level.
To do this, we need to raise a few hundred
thousand dollars. (Ask
us for our 'Expansion Proposal').
On our recent trip to the U.S, we received a
commitment from one wealthy balhabayis for 50K,
on condition that we raise another 150K on our
own (because he knows that 50k alone won't get
us to where we need to go).
We set a date for a parlor meeting in Elul at
the house of a well known Gevir in Brooklyn.
Rabbi/Dr. Avraham Twerski, Rabbi Aharon Feldman
and Reb Chaim Dovid Zweibel (Executive director
of Agudas Yisrael) will be speaking there IY"H.
Rabbosai, We have the pan and the fire but...
we don't have
the eggs!
We need your help with some ideas
of wealthy religious philanthropists
in the New York area (even if you don't have
their contact info).
The idea is to get about 15 balabatim who can
give about 10k each, to come to the parlor
meeting.
Please help us help Klal Yisrael!
Thank you and Tizke Lemitzvos.
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
An E-Mail from Rabbi Twerski
Rabbi Twerski wrote me the other day:
A guy calls me today, whether I endorse
GuardYourEyes, and I said Yes. Then he asked if
their derech was "Daas Torah." I said, "How come
you didn't call me to ask whether watching
pornography was Daas Torah?"
Meschugena world
Twerski
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I sent this on to Dov who responded:
Pure Geshmak! He knows how to hit the nail
squarely on the head, B"H.
If the actual
issue for us was halacha and the Ratzon Hashem,
then we'd never have gotten into such trouble in
the first place! There is obviously something
else wrong with us than just 'bad bechira'.
The flip side of this is: Suicide is ossur. And
for me, acting out now would likely be suicide.
But to maintain that halacha is the main
motivation for me not to do it, is just plain
absurd and dishonest. Nu, B"H yom, yom!
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Announcing a New Hotline in Israel:
Feeling stuck?
Call Yechezkel for advice on how to get
started/move forward:
052-3828777
Feel free to call from the U.S as well
(during
Israel hours, which is 7 hours ahead of the U.S)
From the U.S dial:
972-52-3828777
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Strengthening Our Walls
Tomorrow is the fast of the 17th of
Tammuz which commemorates the breaching of the
walls of Jerusalem, leading to the subsequent
fall of the Beis Hamikdash.
What behaviors breach our walls
and lead to subsequent falls?
LET'S MAKE SURE OUR WALLS ARE STRONG!
How?
Well the "TaPHSiC
Method"
is one way. If you didn't read about this method
in yesterday's Chizuk e-mail, you can read it on
this page of our website or download it as a
PDF
over here.
In the zechus of strengthening our own personal
walls, may we merit to see the rebuilding of the
Beis Hamikdash speedily in our days!
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Attitude Tip of the Day
We Won't Blow Up
By Eye.nonymous
Yesterday as I walked out of my building, there
was this lady who lives across the street
walking towards her car. I think she's
attractive and it's hard not to keep an eye out
for her. This, my Yetzer Hara would say, was a
prime opportunity. BUT then this little voice
came into my head, "Just because she's there
doesn't mean you have to look at
her." Funny, I never really thought of that
before. It made it seem kinda' easy not to
look... Sort of like when I first read in the
GYE guidebook that "we're not going to blow
up if we don't ma*** regularly".
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Quote of
the Day
By "Shan"
No man can move a thing without G-d decreeing it
Up There... and what am I doing when I fall?
Essentially forcing G-d to allow me to sin...
like he is doing it for me... I am making him
sin for me... Ouch Ouch... Bad.
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Medical Tip of the Day
SSRI Medication
We received an e-mail from someone:
I am married for 11 years with 6 children. I
have not acted out "live", but I am addicted to
internet porn and have sought out chat rooms and
porn for hours on end. Thank G-d I found your
website. I am so grateful. What a blessing. I
have recently started SSRI for sexual
compulsions, which have really taken the edge
off my addiction.
We asked him for more details on the medication
and he responded:
I first heard of SSRI's (Zoloft) being used to
treat sex addiction from a former sex addict who
said that he had used it successfully.
I recently felt so out of control and very
depressed, so I scheduled an office visit with
my regular physician. I asked my physician if he
could prescribe Zoloft, knowing it could help my
depression as well as treat my ADHD, and most
importantly, the compulsive sexual behavior.
(Although I did not mention the sexual
compulsion because I was embarrassed, and I
could not find a psychiatrist in my small town
accepting patients.)
He started me out on 100mg which helped, but I
wanted to be more aggressive and requested an
increase to 200mg. I read from many online
sources that 200mg is not an uncommon dose to
treat sex addictions. When searching the
internet, I found a link to
a treatment chart on your site, which is how
I found GuardYourEyes.
So far (one month later) it has worked even
better in treating my ADHD, which I believe
plays a role in my compulsions and focus issues.
Over the past
month I have fallen only a handful of
times. Prior to Zoloft I would fall many times
daily. I have had the most success since the
dose was increased to 200mg. Tomorrow I
will be clean for one full week, which is
amazing to me.
Thanks to G-d!! I am so grateful. And thank G-d
again for your website!
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Daily Dose of Dov
Dov is sober in SA for over 13 years. See his
story
here.
Join Dov's Virtual SA Group
Here.
We Must Replace
the Lust
If whatever I was using lust for is
not replaced with something as
effective as
lust was, I will be left stranded and feel even
worse than before.
And that is where
the Steps come in: the steps (spelled-out in the
12th, if we haven't yet figured it out by then)
are specifically aimed at develop my
relationship with Hashem to the level that it
completely fills in what's missing in my
life. Sound crazy? It should. Well, it's no
crazier than using magazines, schmutz and sex
with self (masturbation) to do it!! Especially
since that always makes
us nuts and leaves us in even more self-centered
stupidity than before...
In the meantime,
there are eitzos that come from the
first 3 steps, like:
-
Gratitude lists.
-
Clearly and directly asking Hashem to "please
really give me whatever it is that I am really
looking for in this desire right
now to
stare at that woman, look at that schmutz,
mast..., etc - Please let me find it in You!
(eventually)".
-
Calling a safe friend up and clearly admit
exactly what it is that I secretly plan to do...
(uncomfortable? Good. We are only as sick as our
secrets, they say).
-
Having a chevra to openly declare the truth
about (and to remember) my tendencies, (this is
indispensable to me).
These all stem from the first three steps, and
knowing other folks who use these
tools somehow makes it easier for us to actually
start using them ourselves.
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807. |
Tuesday ~ 17 Tamuz,
5770 ~ June 29, 2010
Fast of Shiva Asar B'Tammuz
|
|
In Today's Issue
The Proper Outlook on Vacation
Tip of the
Day: Home without a Filter? Be Honest.
Strengthening
our Walls - Part 2: The Fast of the 17th
of Tammuz
Torah Thought
of the Day: Only With
Him
Link of the
Day: You All Know Me
Daily Dose of
Dov: Should I Join SA?
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Shiur of the
Day
The Proper Outlook on Vacation
For many of us, vacation-time has already
started. Here's a 20 minute Shiur on Vacation
from
Rav Aharon Feldman Shlita.
Download It Here
"Kedusha" sent us this shiur and wrote:
The Rosh Yeshiva's message can be applied to
some of the challenges we face. How so? For one
thing, vacations, especially in the summer, are
often a time of Nisyonos. However, if we strive
to maintain a Torah perspective on what
vacations are really for, we are far less likely
to be Nichshal.
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Tip of the
Day
Home without a Filter? Be Honest.
"I am 22 years old and have struggled with being
shomer habris ever since I can remember. I am
going to be living at home for the summer where
there is unfiltered internet access. I already
am slipping more. I do not feel comfortable
asking my parents to install a filter. I've gone
a month or two clean in the past, but not more.
I feel bad now, but a day or two after a fall, I
always push the thoughts of how bad it is out of
my head."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
We responded:
Have your parents listen to this
shiur
from Rav Yosef Viener
-
and
then ask them! :-)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Elya, moderator of the
Thursday night Conference Call, responded:
I recently received a private email from a 17
year old living at home who had put hundreds of dollars
on his parents credit card talking on sex phone
lines. He was in Israel at the time, and when
he got home to
the US his parents asked him about it. He told
them he knew nothing about it.
He wrote asking
me if he should continue to lie or tell his
parents the truth. I told him that life
was short and if he truly wanted to get into
Shidduchim and start his life off right, he couldn't
live a lie the rest of his life. I told him
exactly what to say to his parents - to tell
them the
truth. He wrote me after Shabbos and said he
told his parents and they were very happy
he did. If you
Chas V'Sholom had a serious illness, would you
hide it from your parents?
This disease can
kill us if we let it go too far. If your parents
have the password and you don't,
they can use the internet unfiltered and you'll
have it filtered. It's as simple as that. All you
have to say is you don't want the opportunity of
pushing the wrong button and seeing
those sites, so you'd like their help. If they
say, NO, then maybe you need to put
the password on for THEM .
Seriously if you truly want to stop, take the
first step.
Join
Elya's Phone Conference this Thursday Night!
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Strengthening Our Walls - Part 2
Today is the fast of the 17th of
Tammuz which commemorates the breaching of the
walls of Jerusalem, leading to the subsequent
fall of the Beis Hamikdash.
What behaviors breach our walls
and lead to subsequent falls?
LET'S MAKE SURE OUR WALLS ARE STRONG!
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|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Torah Thought of the Day
Only With Him
By "Yosef Hatzadik"
Taanis Tzibbor - Krias HaTorah:
"Im na matzasi chein be'einecha - yeileich na
Hashem bekirbeinu"
If I am to give you pleasure with the eyes (ten
lo mishelo, she'ata v'shelach shelo), it can
only be if you are with me. I cannot do it by
myself. Ilimalei
Hakodosh Boruch Hu ozer lo lo yachol lo! We
have to give it over to Hashem!
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Link of the Day
You All Know Me
A very inspiring post on the forum by "Shmiras",
an older Bochur who is clean for almost two
years now with the help of GuardYourEyes and his
own hard work.
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Daily Dose of Dov
Dov is sober in SA for over 13 years. See his
story
here.
Join Dov's Virtual SA Group
Here.
Should I Join
SA?
My only issues are masturbation and pornography.
I never acted out live. Should I join an SA
group?
Dov Responds:
"The only requirement for membership is a
sincere desire to stop lusting" - White Book,
page something-or-other (amud beis)
The question I'd
ask is: "Is it overkill to go to SA meetings?"
And I'd say it depends on one thing: Is what you
are doing now working, or not? If it is, why go?
And if it isn't, why not? That's my feeling. For
anyone to say "you must go" they have to
be nuts, crazy, or just plain insane, or think
they are G-d or something like G-d...
fortunately, I am just goofy!
Are you sure that there are no down sides?
There are some who say that people are exposed
to far worse types
of acting out when they go to meetings (I say
they'll figure it all out eventually anyway);
that they are exposed to Christian ideas in the
12 steps (I say they are all Jewish); that the
meetings are often in churches - which is either
ossur or somehow influences members to believe
in avodah zarah (I say it's better than being
another frum yid in the newspaper getting caught
five years hence in "shady behaviors" and/or
getting divorced - and not ossur anyway);
that they can't possibly learn
about Hashem from goyim (they'd rather learn
about Hashem only from frum guys who learn in
the beis midrash during the day and go to
prostitutes at night, than from goyim who
do it, apparently), and other issues. I just
say, "phooey"... (somehow in a respectful way
:-)
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|
|
808. |
Wednesday ~ 18
Tamuz, 5770 ~ June 30, 2010
|
|
In Today's Issue
Joe & Charlie 12-Step Work Shop
Attitude Tip
of the Day:
BS'D - B'siyata
D'shmaya
Torah Thought
of the Day: What a Different Life We
Would Have
Battle
Communication: The Big Picture
Daily Dose of
Dov: The 12-Steps are for those with NO
HOPE
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
MP3 Links of
the Day
Joe & Charlie 12-Step Work Shop
Hundreds of thousands in AA have also found "Joe
and Charlie's Big Book Study" very
meaningful. Many believe that Joe
and Charlie are the single best introduction you
can get to the original program of the Big Book.
(The link above is a word-for-word transcript of
the recordings available
here in mp3).
Download a Zip of all 35 MP3 Files Here
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Attitude Tip
of the Day
BS'D - B'Siyata
D'Shmaya
BS'D
I haven't posted
much over the past months. After I made that one
time fall after 21 days on the 90 day chart, I
felt like a nobody. I kept falling and things
got progressively worse over time R"L.
Then I started
reading the AA-book and now I really realize I
am not in charge, but p***graphy is in charge of
me. I feel terrible. I don't know what to do
with myself anymore. True I didn't even finish
"Bills story yet, but I need some sore felt
chizuk. I feel like I am in the gutter, I am
being controlled by what really seems to be my
rotzon for Taavah.
How will I ever
get out?
Elya, moderator of the
Thursday night Conference Call, responded:
You started your post with BS'D.
That's how
you're going to get out. When
you surrender and give up that you can control
fighting this
addiction yourself, you'll begin to get better
with
His help.
This means not isolating and going to meetings
or making calls to a
sponsor or friend on GYE. It means reading the
Handbook over
and over again, every night until you can stop
the behaviors for one day. Then
the next and the next. Forget the 90 day
chart. One day at a time, from
now on.
Join the phone groups. Read what people say who
go to the groups. Yes
they still struggle but they have hope and
friends to fall back on and
discuss their stories.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Join
Elya's Phone Conference this Thursday Night!
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Torah
Thought of the Day
What a Different Life We Would Have
"Haleivi76" writes:
I wanted to share something with you. It has put
in a nutshell what I have been thinking about
for some days now, and I hope it can help us
all:
I learnt a little
with my Rebbi last night and we were reading a
chapter from the Steiplers Sefer 'Chayei Olam'.
It was all about a man's Taivos in this world
and why he can never be satisfied; no matter how
much he has, he wants more. This is the same
whether his taivos are for money, food, or any
other physical pleasures. The Steipler asks the
question, why are we built in such a way as to
have these incredibly strong taivos? Surely it
would be better if we did not have them and
therefore be more able to resist temptation. The
answer given is that HASHEM gives us some
wonderful character traits; love, desire,
passion etc. But as we have bechira, it is
entirely our choice as to how we use them.
HASHEM wants us to use them to serve Him and to
love Him. This is why the taivos can be so
strong; because as strong as they are, that is
how passionately we should be seeking to serve
Him. If we choose to use them to pursue
material, physical desires, they will be just as
strong, but because of the nature of man and the
world we live in, they will NEVER EVER be
satisfied, as a man will always be left wanting
more.
If only we could
use the passion to chase HASHEM as we chase
these shtusim, and that we should never be
satisfied - no matter how much of HASHEM we have
in our lives, what a different life we would
have!
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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Battle Communication
The Big Picture
By "MyLastStop"
Even though I had a fall today, I had a lot of
wins over lusting in the last couple of days and
I'm proud of myself for that. I feel happy with
myself and comfortable on my path to get this
lusting out of my life.
I don't feel this
big disappointment for starting all over. When I
first started these 90 day counts a few months
back, falling was a huge let-down and a reason
to be depressed. Now I am more mature and have
the big picture and long term goal in mind. I am
enrolled in SA, I have the reading material, and
I'm posting on this site regularly. I feel like
I am on the road to recovery, and I am excited
about it. I will not be so stupid to believe
that I will just sail straight into sobriety for
ever. Of course I will fall along the way. But I
do feel I am getting stronger at the core.
I firmly believe
that the Yetzer Hara gets more out of getting
you depressed after the aveira, than doing the
aveira itself.
I said
tikun haklali
today, so hopefully all the damage to all the
upper worlds was rectified already. And I
already did M hundreds of times, so why should I
let he yetzer Hara fool me that I should start
feeling all terrible about
this one? What
about all the other ones I couldn't care less
about?
On the other
hand, being depressed about it and letting it
ruin my day, and ruining my davenings and my
confidence, etc. that's a fresh new
accomplishment for the Yetzer Hara. Now he has
ammo to make me sin all day, and even for the
next couple of days, until I come up with new
resolve to start fighting with zeal again.
In my SA meeting
there was a 60 year old who just joined 2 months
ago. If I don't stop it, it will never stop on
its own. Imagine going through my entire life,
30, 40, 50, 60, 70, 80 years old - and never
stopping to lust; never getting past it. What a
pathetic and sad life that would be; always
being obsessed with it, going through the guilt
cycles, etc. And imagine being free. I want
to be free.
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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Daily Dose of Dov
Dov is sober in SA for over 13 years. See his
story
here.
Join Dov's Virtual SA Group
Here.
The 12 steps are for those who have NO HOPE
(even WITH the steps!)
"Helpless" Posts:
Deep Breathe.... Here we go:
I am torn. Torn
to pieces. Shreds. Threads. What is there to do?
Another spiral downward. Another dip in the sea
of death. Yet another cry from my knees. I don't
know what to do anymore. I honestly feel
hopeless. Helpless. Almost on the brink of just
wanting to give up this battle and just let life
takes me where it wants.
I tell myself I
am not strong enough. I don't have the will or
mind power. And I truly don't. When was the last
time this really affected me? When was the last
time I cried over this? Life is a cycle. If I
want to change myself I need to find the biggest
hammer in the world and smash this cycle to bits
and pieces. After doing well for a while, I feel
like I've fallen all the way back to worse than
pre-GYE.
I don't really ever ask for help so this calling
out to you guys is the truth.
Thank you all.
Dov Responds:
There is a story I heard about R' Yisroel
Salanter, though others have quoted it about
someone else:
A yiddle was told
he'd be davening for the amud at Reb Yisroel's
shul that Yomin Noro'im, and said: "Rebbi, this
is ridiculous! I am not a person to do this: I
don't sing well enough, I don't have enough real
kavonoh, and I have aveiros, besides!"
Reb Yisroel
answered (and I am starting to cry now while
typing this): "What, do you think we really need
someone up there who thinks that he can sing
well enough, has good
kavonoh and has no aveiros!?"
To me, that story
is like a bolt of thunder and lightning. The
steps are not really for
the guy who wants to
improve his life,
the guy who feels he
needs to be stronger,
nor for the guy who thinks that if
he just tries these eitzos, he'll make it! They
are for the guy who has no hope whatsoever -
even with the
steps! It's impossible! There is no way he can
make it! But he has no way out (cuz suicide is
not what he wants to do, for whatever reason)!
B"H! For him
there is an accepting and loving Hashem waiting,
and the steps helped many people find that
open hand of Hashem and get the gift of a new
life, if they admit the truth about themselves
see there is no way out, and begin to
give themselves over to the care of Hashem.
It's indeed not for
the guy who thinks he can make it - it's for the
guy who sees that he
can't.
You are a very
lucky person. Let go of yourself and get the
help you need and trust in the impossible.
Gevalt, it isn't easy. But in the end, what
choice do we have?
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|
809. |
Thursday ~ 19 Tamuz,
5770 ~ July 1, 2010
|
|
In Today's Issue
Lust Addiction vs. Alcohol Addiction
Poem of the
Day: The Monster in My Closet
Q & A of the
Day: Do I have to tell my date?
Daily Dose of
Dov: "No Masturbation" Days
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
12-Step Tip
of the Day
Lust Addiction vs. Alcohol Addiction
Someone asks on the Forum:
To lust is something very normal, we just over
do it. So why are we carbon copying AA and
saying "don't lust"? In the SA book, it even
mentions complete abstinence. Why? We
aren't allergic to lust in a physical way. We
just have to learn not to let lust control us.
So why all this talk of "the first drink"? To
me, this sounds like telling an overeater to
stop eating. If our issue really starts after
the first drink, then the twelve steps won't
help us at all.
Elya Responds:
All "S" groups use the Big Book of AA as their
guide. There are two types of addictions,
physical addictions (drugs and alcohol)
and process
addictions (sex, gambling, food, work). We
parallel the first drink in AA to the first look
of porn or the first look
of lust. Who says
lust is very normal? We just overdo it. Addicts
overdo it. Some people could care less about
looking at
porn or other women. But we have a mission to
fill up an emptiness inside us. Some people do
this with alcohol, drugs, sex,
gambling, food or work. Pick your poison. And
because of this, we can exchange books. The
principles of
powerlessness, prayer, resentments, viduy (5th
step), working on our midos, working with
others, are all globally applicable.
I can show you each step and its corresponding
issue in both the Rambam and in Shaarei Teshuva.
We're not saying
you cannot have and enjoy sex, as long as it is
with your spouse. But just like overeating and
drinkingtoo much whiskey will make you fat and
drunk and sick, engaging in lust for an addict
will progress into more exotic and dangerous
situations, if you keep feeding the lust. Also
when we substitute being with our wives in true
mutual intimacy for
lust, it
is no different. The lust chemicals take over
our brains and we're drunk once again.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Join
Elya's Phone Conference TONIGHT!
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Poem of the Day
The Monster in My Closet
By "Shnook"
When I was little, there was a monster in my
closet.
It huddled there
in the dark, breathing.
I could hear it.
I knew it was there,
but no one spoke
about it.
So I closed my
eyes,
tried to ignore
it
and prayed for it
to go away.
One day, a as a
teenager,
I peeked at the
monster in the closet.
It was so little,
cute and fuzzy.
It smiled at me
and I thought 'he's kind of nice!"
He told me he was
my friend
and we could go
to wonderful places together if I let it out.
So... I did
But with each
passing day,
the monster grew
uglier and uglier.
Until I realized
it was not my friend at all.
I was right the
first time - it was a monster,
and it was so
scary and so big .
It controlled me.
It was my master
and I, its slave.
So...
I prayed the sun
wouldn't set
I prayed night
wouldn't fall
I hated this
monster.
And I hated
myself more for ever befriending it.
But now I
realize,
this monster in
my closet,
indeed ugly and
dark,
but peering
closely I can see
it is made up
only of shadows....
Its form is my
belief it exists; that's what gives it
substance.
The monster feeds
off of my imagination, and therein lies its
power.
So I'm going to
shut the door,
close my eyes,
and start to
LIVE.
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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q & A of the
Day
Do I have to tell my date?
A few weeks ago, we received an e-mail from a
Bochur on the forum:
I am dating
seriously, and I know that this has been
talked about on the forum and Dr. Twerski thinks
you should share your addiction with your
prospective marriage partner, but I am
wondering, if I seem to be stable when I stay on
top of myself, and I plan to do the 12 steps and
take safe guards to prevent myself from falling,
do I have to share this with my date?
We replied:
I can
only share what Rabbi Twerski replied to someone
who asked him this question:
There is an adage, "You're only as sick as your
secrets." Revealing information that may ruin a
shidduch is understandably very difficult, but
keeping it secret creates a constant anxiety and
a barrier to mutual trust and sincere
communication. Marriages have enough problems
without adding secrets.
In the case of
alcohol or drug addiction, we generally tell
people to avoid even getting into a relationship
before one year of solid recovery and with the
approval of one's sponsor.
But there are
many variables. How long was the addiction? Does
the person still have urges?
Whenever one
decides to tell, one should say, "I must tell
you something about myself, but it is with "Bal
Tomar." You must promise not to tell it to
anyone else.
(See
this page for the whole story)
If she is the right one, she will accept to
marry you anyway. What can I say? This is not
easy, but may Hashem give you the wisdom and
strength to do what needs to be done.
Recently, we received the following e-mail from
this Bochur:
Last night I told her about my struggles. I was
too embarrassed to say it straight out, so I
sent her a text. She asked me about my struggle
in great detail, how long I have been struggling
online, detail of what I had seen, if I had ever
been in contact with real people (no), how long
I have been clean, what I plan to do in the
future to protect myself, etc. In all, we talked
about it for around three hours and in the end
she said she is ok with my struggles and she
feels bad for me and for all the pain I have
been through.
Thanks again.
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Daily Dose of Dov
Dov is sober in SA for over 13 years. See his
story
here.
Join Dov's Virtual SA Group
Here.
"No Masturbation" Days
"SouthafricanJEW" (a Bochur) writes to Dov:
I can't stop masturbating completely, so I'm
using a gradual approach. For now I chose "no
masturbation days" so I can start cutting down.
I feel a deep
desire and longing for the day when I am strong
enough for every day to be "no
masturbation days". But I wonder if I
should feel guilty when I masturbate on a day
that is not allocated as such a day?
I really need to
know, because I am starting to feel guilty
about not feeling guilty.
Dov Responds:
Dear sweet SouthafricanJEW,
Please forgive
me, but I will say what my sponsor and mentors
said to me maybe a hundred times when I asked
stuff just like this: "You
are thinking way too much. Stop it, OK?"
:-)
Now, this is a
very annoying thing for me to hear, until I
admit that:
1 - I am not
really as smart as all
that anyway;
2 - that should I
actually figure-out the answer to these types of
question, there is no evidence
at all that I'd successfully put the answer into
any consistent practice anyway;
3 - in general, I
need more action
and less thinking.
OK. So, here are
some more annoying things for you, since you
seem to have taken that last one so well :-)
The reason
every day is a "no masturbation day" for me
is not because I am strong at all. It's a
miracle. Hashem helps me not to have the nisayon
at all most of the time. It is in the stupid
little nisyonos that I need to work to surrender
- I give up! I can't beat even this stupid
little desire to stare at my pretty coworker
down the hall or to follow the woman's face in
the car driving next to mine, or to look into
that newspaper at the last article about a
teacher who ran off with her student - all very
toxic stuff for me... I can't afford to look at
them at all because I will definitely eventually
go from there to the next level - even though in
my present state of mind I could never imaging
myself going to the "next level down"... but I
know that shockingly, my
state of mind will radically
change because
I have this illness and that is what happens. I
won't be fooled again, be"H.
Does this make
sense to you? That is where I am holding.
It is not a
madreiga at all... but if it was, I wouldn't
concern myself with it. Figuring out my madreiga
is always so poisonous for me that it's just
like lusting - I can't afford it, so be"H I
don't do it. I befeirush ask Him to help me, and
I keep realistic. That way, the battlelines - if
there are any at all - are always way, way back
from what you'd call "the danger zone". But for
me, I need to recognize and admit that the
"little stuff" is the
only danger zone, now. Or I am toast, for sure.
And BTW, "not
looking" because
it is an aveiro only
causes me to guilt about it more, which
guarantees failure later on - I know that cuz it
always did! I do not focus on the issura for me
- it is sakanta and therefore way more
serious than issura, as the gemara states. This
lust garbage ruins my life and will kill me. The
main issue is the sakanta, not the issura, for
me (b"H).
Two more
thingies. Choosing "no mast.. days" puts little
me way deep into the driver's seat. Too much for
me to handle at all. An ikkar of recovery is
that I do not run it. I work
it,
but do not run
it.
And finally,
whenever people use the term "the long run", I
want to ask them what they mean by that. To me,
"the long run" only exists in hindsight. I try
not to fool myself that I have a shaychus to it,
at all. I fooled myself long enough into working
on "the long run"! Not any more. In fact, there
is no way I can actually do anything for
tomorrow.
All I can really do today is: live today as
right as I can with Hashem's help. That is the
only insurance "tomorrow" will ever have,
period. That's why, tempting as it may be while
davening each day, I do not ask for Hashem to
keep me sober for any time longer than this very
day. And it's been a bunch of years,
thank-G-d... in the long run.
Sof davar, we do
not really quit forever. What is "forever",
anyway? We just give up right
now,
and openly depend on the G-d who created heaven
and earth to keep us sober today without asking
about tomorrow. Cheshbonos
rabim never
helped me at all, certainly not
binasi
(my understanding).
|
|
|
810. |
Friday ~ 20 Tamuz,
5770 ~ July 2, 2010
|
|
In Today's Issue
It's Pikuach
Nefesh!
Testimonial of
the Day: The Screen is Lifting
Daily Dose of
Dov: Let Go and Let the Purple Bunny
(??!)
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Parsha Talk: Pinchas
It's Pikuach
Nefesh!
From
Torah.org
by Rabbi
M. Kamenetzky
After Bila'am's failed efforts to curse the
Jewish people, he devised another ploy. He
advised the nations of Midian and Moav to lure
the Jews to sin through salacious activities.
Midian complied wholeheartedly, offering its
daughters as conspirators in the profanity. The
scheme worked. The Jews cavorted with Midianite
women, and the wrath of Hashem was aroused. A
plague ensued and thousands of Jews died.
In this week's portion, Hashem commands his
people to administer justice. "Make the
Midianites your enemies and attack them!" For
they antagonized you through their conspiracy
that they conspired against you in the matter of
Peor, and in the matter of Cozbi, daughter of a
leader of Midian, their sister, who was slain on
the day of the plague, in the matter of Peor"
(Numbers 25:17-18). Eventually Jews go to war
with Midian.
The issue that may confront the modern thinker
is simple. War? Over what? They were not
fighting over land. There was no dispute over
oil or natural resources. Why such vehemence to
the point of physical attack over the incident
at Peor? Why call for such physical retribution
for an act that caused spiritual sedition
through secular seduction?
Rabbi Eliezer Sorotzkin of Lev L'Achim related
the following story: In November 1938, before
the onset of World War II, some Jewish children
had the opportunity to escape from Nazi Germany
and resettle in England through what became
known as kindertransport. Unfortunately, their
were not enough religious families able to
accept these children and other families who
were willing to take them were not willing to
raise the children with Jewish traditions. The
Chief Rabbi of London, Rabbi Yechezkel Abramski,
embarked on a frantic campaign to secure funding
to ensure that every child would be placed in a
proper Jewish environment.
Rabbi Abramski called one wealthy Jewish
industrialist and begged him for a donation
sizable enough to ensure that the children would
be raised in proper Jewish environment. "It is
pikuach nefesh!" cried Rabbi Abramski.
At that point, the tycoon became incensed.
"Rabbi," he said, "Please do not use that term
flippantly. I know what pikuach nefesh is.
Pikuach nefesh means a matter of life and death!
When I was young, my parents were very
observant. When my baby sister was young, she
was very sick. We had to call the doctor, but it
was on Shabbos. My father was very conscientious
of the sanctity of Shabbos. He would never
desecrate Shabbos. But our rabbi told us that
since this is a matter of life and death, we
were allowed to desecrate the Shabbos! He called
it pikuach nefesh. Rabbi Abramski," the man
implored, "with all due respect. The children
are already here in England. They are safe from
the Nazis. The only issue is where to place
them. How they are raised is not pikuach nefesh!"
With that, the man politely bade farewell and
hung up the phone.
That Friday evening, the wealthy man was sitting
at dinner, when the telephone rang incessantly.
Finally, the man got up from his meal and
answered the phone.
As he listened to the voice on the other end of
the line, his face went pallid.
"This is Abramski. Please. I would not call on
the Sabbath if I did not think this was pikuach
nefesh. Again, I implore you. We need the funds
to ensure that these children will be raised as
Jews."
Needless to say, the man responded immediately
to the appeal.
We understand matters of life and death, justice
and injustice, war and peace, in corporeal
terms. It is difficult to view spirituality in
those terms as well.
The Torah teaches us that our enemies are not
merely those who threaten our physical
existence, but those who threaten our spiritual
existence as well. Throughout the generations,
we faced those who would annihilate us
physically and others who would be just as happy
to see us disappear as Jews.
What our enemies were unable to do to the Jewish
people with bullets and gas, they have succeeded
in doing with assimilation and spiritual
attrition.
The decadent and immoral society that we live in
today is also out to destroy us. We must
recognize this struggle as Pikuach Nefesh and
take a lesson from this week's Parsha to wage
WAR against the shmutz in our own personal
lives.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Click
here for another nice dvar Torah from
Torah.org on the Parsha that relates to our
struggles.
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Testimonial
of the Day
The Screen is Lifting
Eye.Nonymous writes:
I noticed a while ago that I suffer from an
undercurrent of tension that often led me to act
out. But thanks to the insights I got through
this forum, and especially thanks to Duvid
Chaim's group, I think a lot of this tension is
gone. The fears and resentments that caused them
are much less.
And, I had a great talk with one of the guys
from Duvid Chaim's group. We confronted one of
my biggest fears -- my feeling of hopelessness
in finding a parnasa. He gave me a whole new
attitude; something I can work with and feel
good about, no matter what. So, this helped a
lot too.
So lately I've been walking down the street,
feeling the urge to look at the women on the
street. Then I was thinking, "I don't need this
- I'm content with life." It's like, if you
don't have a headache, why take pain killers?
It's a big realization. It's not that my whole
life has been transformed - but this realization
comes along a couple of times here and there
throughout the day. It's definitely a good
start.
That undercurrent of tension is turning into an
undercurrent of contentment.
Regarding "control." I had a talk with my wife
about something. I realized that there's another
type of control - trying to control THE PAST! In
short, we made a big mistake with something, and
it's been eating us up. BUT, it's in the
past! WE MADE A MISTAKE. Just accept it and move
on. Just make the most out of things today.
It may take us a while to fully integrate this,
but it's an important realization.
A catalyst for some of these realization was a
shiur I was listening to by Rav Moshe Aharon
Stern. He was talking about how a lot of
problems come because we don't have satisfaction
in our life - from our davening and from our
learning, for example. During shacharis I was
thinking, here I am in the middle of tachanun,
which is supposed to be a really powerful
prayer, and I'm just rattling off the words. WHY
DON'T I PUT SOME FEELING INTO IT! This is
something I can choose to do! So I tried
it. Again, this is another one of those
awareness's that come and go, and go more than
it comes, but it's a new thing I can start
working on.
And, it has further applications. The other
morning I had something quick to do on the
computer for work. I could have gone back and
forth to the computer during breakfast and
finished it. BUT, I wouldn't be fully present
with my wife for breakfast-- not physically,
mentally, or emotionally. SO I decided that I
WANTED TO PUT MY HEART INTO WHAT I WAS DOING;
time with my wife. I left the computer work for
later on in the day.
I'm feeling like there's been this screen
between myself and others, even though I'm in
the same room. Through GYE and Dovid Chaim's
calls, I feel like this screen is lifting.
Somehow, everything seems more vivid. People and
LIFE seems more real.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Duvid Chaim's Group will be starting a new
cycle some time this month, G-d willing. We'll
announce the details when we get them. Get ready
for the voyage of the D.C Freedom Flotilla!
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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Daily Dose of Dov
Dov is sober in SA for over 13 years. See his
story
here.
Join Dov's Virtual SA Group
Here.
Let Go and Let Purple Bunny (??!)
How can I go to these SA groups when most of the
guys there are thinking of their higher power as
Yushka? Let's say there were people who believed
god was a 12 foot purple bunny that can do
magic, turn cool aid into whiskey and walk on
water, would that work as their "Higher Power"
too?
Dov Responds:
Now, wait a purple cotton-tailed-pickin'-minute!
Among the
compunctions I have heard from some people about
12-step meetings is the incomprehensibility that
"a yid - a talmid
chochom yet"
- might go to learn about G-d from a bunch of
heathens. (The fact that the yid - a talmid
chochom yet - might be engaging daily in sex
with self, massage parlors, exposure, schmutz-by-the-hour-on-the-internet
when "no one" is watching, lying to the spouse
and everyone else for alibis, etc...
that doesn't disqualify
him as "a yid - a talmid chochom yet"... nu.
Hah. To me, that's
really purple-bunny-rabbit-thinking!
Of course I did that for years, too!)
The meetings are
not exclusive to our coreligionists. They will
treat goyim and yiddin as equals. Catholics and
Mormons (who each believe the other is going to
hell), yiddin and atheists, Republicans and
Communists (Oops! I meant Democrats,
sorry!), Muslims and Moslems (?)... all
are under a common denominator: humans powerless
to win al
derech ha-teva.
They teach each other how to let go of their own
power and admit they are not G-d and neither is
the woman, man, or body-part that they were
always revering! Then they give members the room
to pick their own G-d and help them become an
emloyee of that Higher Power, putting their will
and lives in It's care,
not theirs. All along, not asking them exactly
how they define "G-d"! The only issue faced in
the Program is that I am
not G-d and neither is alcohol, heroin, Lust,
Crack, anger, fear, or anything else that is
destructive to me.
Technically, the
meetings are secular. Spiritual but not religious.
If you look up the definition of secular, you
will see AA/SA, as I experienced it. It doesn't
teach us anything at all, about G-d. Nothing. It
teaches us about ourselves, and that's
apparently enough to let G-d in. Boruch
Hashem, I found recovery in a secular program.
There was room for a frum yid, and I
can share it with anybody!
And I do!
And remember: don't think so
much! :-)
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811. |
Sunday ~ 22 Tamuz,
5770 ~ July 4, 2010
|
|
In Today's Issue
The Yartzeit of the Karliner and the 4th of July
Anecdote of
the Day: Kedusha = Restriction
Testimonial of
the Day:
Shmiras Ainayim on the Plane
Daily Dose of
Dov: What do you mean "I am thinking too
much"?
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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
What do the 3rd Birthday of Guard
Your Eyes,
the Yartzeit of Rav Shlomo of Karlin
and the 4th of July all have in
common?
The Zohar (in Chelek Beis, pg 78b) writes that
Yakov Avinu took the months of Nissan and Iyar
for himself (hence Yetziyas Mitzrayim, Kabbalas
Hatorah), and Eisav took the months of Tammuz
and Av for himself (and hence, the 17th of
Tammuz and Tisha Be'av), but only the first 9
days of Av belong to him. The
month of Tammuz belongs to Esav. Yaakov Avinu
davened for Hashem to save him from "the hand of
my brother, the hand of Esav". Esav's power over
Yaakov stems either from "the hand of Esav" -
when he tries to destroy us by force, or
from the "hand of my brother" when he tries to
influence Yaakov to do whatever he pleases and
enjoy the pleasures of this world. Today, on
July 4th, Esav celebrates the holiday
of "Freedom"; the same freedom that allows for
the complete lack of restrictions in today's
society.
The Beis Ahron of
Karlin at the end of Parshas Pinchas brings a
Medrash that says that the months of Tammuz, Av
and Elul have no Regalim in them. That is why
Hashem gave us three Regalim in the month of
Tishrei, as if to "pay us back". The Beis Ahron
writes that the 3 weeks are a very high time.
These 3 weeks symbolize the 3 upper worlds (Ga"r
or Gimmle Rishonos; Keser, chachma and Bina),
and according to Kabbala, these three worlds are
above time and space. That is why, says the Beis
Ahron, the 3 weeks are a time when Hashem is so
"hidden". Not because it is a "dark" time, but
rather because the world cannot be "Sovel"
(tolerate) the great light of this period of the
year. But when Moshiach comes, he writes, these
three weeks will be revealed and they will
become great Yomim Tovim. And the Beis Ahron
ends by saying that that is why we usually read
Parshas Pinchas during the three weeks, because
Pinchas has all the Regalim in it.
The Yartzeit of Rav Shlomo Karliner is today, on
the 22cd Tamuz. He was killed al Kiddush Hashem
by a Russian Cossack, and Tzadikim said he was
the bechina of
Moshiach Ben Yosef. Yosef was born and died in
the month of Tammuz. This is because the Koach
of yosef will one day over power Esav as the
Pasuk says "and
the house of Yosef will be a flame and the house
of Eisav will be like straw".
Yosef's flame of Kedusha will devour and
eradicate the power of Eisav from the world. But
before Moshiach comes, Esav's Koach seems to
overpower Yosef during the three weeks, and
Yosef needs to "die" (be mistalek)
in order to combat Esav. We all know that the
death of Moshiach Ben Yosef is an integral part
of the Ge'ulah. Only after Moshiach ben Yosef
dies can Moshiach Ben David reveal himself.
The
Guardureyes.com website was launched on the 22cd
of Tamuz - exactly three years ago. Our
community is part of the light of Yosef that
shines forth after the holy bechina of
Yosef seems to have been "killed" - kaviyachol -
by Esav and all his impurities. Our network is
perhaps a harbinger of the Ge'ulah, the
fulfillment of what the holy Ohr Hachayim
Hakadosh writes (Shemos 3:8), that before
Moshiach comes the Yidden will be subjected to
the 50th level of impurity (i.e. the death of
Yosef - Kaviyachol),
yet they will find the strength to enter into
the mouth of the Satan and remove that which he
had swallowed from his very mouth. ("Le'hotzi
Bo'loi Mi'piv", i.e.
using the power of the internet, the Satan's very
tool, to bring out the sparks of Kedusha
that had fallen prey to the 50th level of Tumah).
By re-inspiring Klal Yisrael with the power of
Kedusha (which is the power of "restriction" -
as Chazal say, "wherever you find a
geder Erva,
you find Kedusha"), we are fighting the power of
Esav in our generation; the power of "Freedom"
= lack of restrictions.
Tzadikim say,
that although the 3 weeks is generally a bad
time to start anything new, the day of Rav
Shlomo's Yartzeit is a day when it is davka mesugal to
start something new, and
to make a personal RENEWAL. It seems to me
that it is no coincidence that Esav's Holiday of
Freedom, the Yartzeit of Rav Shlomo of Karlin (bechinas
Yosef Hatzadik) and the 3rd
Birthday of GuardYourEyes all fall out on the
same day!
Rabbosai, just like this network was launched on
this day, I ask all of those in our community of Hashem's
"front-line soldiers",
to take this power of renewal and the power of
Kedusha - restriction, and to renew the light of
Yosef, davka now
when Hashem is Hidden from us the most and the
power of Esav seems to be at its peak.
(For a slightly different and more elaborate
version of this d'var Torah, see Chizuk e-mail
#528 on
this page,
written on GYE's 2cd Birthday.)
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Anecdote
of the Day
Kedusha = Restriction
By "Kedusha"
Yesterday, I saw a tremendously
important insight from Rav Shlomo Zalman
Auerbach, ZT"L, which I would like to share:
Source: Chiku
Mamtakim, volume II p. 121 (translated
from the original Hebrew)
(emphasis added).
A group of Kollel Avreichim approached Rav
Shlomo Zalman with a sincere request: "We yearn
to rise to great heights in Avodas Hashem, to
become close to the Ribbono Shel Olam and to
perform His Mitzvos on the highest level.
However, we don't know where to begin - in which
Mitzvos should we be extra careful and
stringent?"
Rav Shlomo Zalman responded: "Why look for
stringencies? There is no need for that. The
main thing is to accept upon yourself to fulfill
the Halacha on a Lechatchila level."
The Avreichim agreed to take that upon
themselves, but were not satisfied. They
continued to request Rav
Shlomo Zalman's guidance
as to how they can be extra careful in matters
of Halacha and create a close relationship with
the Ribbono Shel Olam.
Since it meant so much to them, Rav Shlomo
Zalman acceded to their request and gave them
the following advice: "All the Chumros and
Hidurim are
not worth a single minor Hidur in
matters of Kedusha and Tzeniyus. In matters of
Kedusha and Tzeniyus, every
small Hidur is immeasurable, it raises up,
sanctifies, and brings a person close to his
Creator, as Chazal say: 'Wherever you find
safeguards against ervah, you find Kedusha.'
For someone whose Neshama is thirsty for
Ruchniyus, the place to begin and
the area that is most important is
Kedusha and Tzeniyus."
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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Testimonial of the Day
Shmiras Ainayim
on the Plane
By "Kosher" from
the Traveling Thread
This past Thursday, I was flying back home from
the "Out-of-town" city I was visiting, and
unfortunately the person sitting next to me on
the plane was a woman who was obviously not
makpid on
Rabbi Falk's standard of tznius (she was
wearing what some people generously refer to as
"summer attire"). It was not practical for me to
change my seat, but B"H I managed to keep my
eyes where they belonged. The first half of the
trip I kept my eyes closed/slept and for the
second, I put my sefer by the window and looked
out the window/learned.
I credit much of my success to the inspiration
picked up from the Oilam on
the forum and I want to thank everyone for it.
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Daily Dose of Dov
Dov is sober in SA for over 13 years. See his
story
here.
Join Dov's Virtual SA Group
Here.
What do you mean "I am thinking too much"?
Dear Dov, you often say, "You are thinking way
too much, stop it". First of all, I think this
is a very dangerous statement, in and of itself.
Second, generally our emotions are controlled by
our thinking, if we like it or not, so you may
as well say you are "feeling way too much, stop
it", I have a feeling of guilt, I need to find
out what thinking is causing this and work
through it, otherwise how can I get rid of the
feeling?
OK. I'm not one to confidently identify
'addictive' thinking, but though I agree that
how we think profoundly affects our emotions, I
find it hard to believe that most addicts are
really in touch with the way they are thinking nearly
as much as they think they
are! My butt has been (figuratively) kicked for
me enough times by un-blinded people that I have
come to admit my own weakness at seeing what is
really motivating me. That was a skill I am
learning but took time and the rustic, simple
honesty of step-work. The main advantage of my
program buddies was not their wisdom, rather it
was that they are
just not me.
I have also met
honest, sweet guys who come to their first
meeting, (usually give some heartfelt sage
counsel to all the regular attendees there!) and
finally say, "wow, I have finally found where I
belong!" They often come back for one more
meeting, maybe, and say they've "got it
now"...sometimes coming back in tatters after an
arrest or divorce. I am talking about b'nei
Torah, here, too. I do not think they are just
liars. I believe that like I can be, they are
apparently blind to
whats cooking with them; to their own
motivations and true goals. Perhaps they'd
rather remain a bit comfortable and keep their
drug. Who knows?
Finally, I have
seen that it was my own very best thinking
that got me as screwed up as I became. Not
anyone else's. Particularly prior to using the
first seven steps, I see my own deep thinking
and analysis as having been quite harmful to me.
In the program we do take
a long hard look at what our attitudes are and
how misguided our thinking may be. But we
generally do it with a sponsor or group. To do
this on our own is where the entire problem is
in the first place! It's a big pride pill, as
far as I am concerned.
So in many many
cases, program people I know advocate taking the
energy we are expending on trying to pridefully
change ourselves by "figuring it all out and
then fixing it" (a common lust/preoccupation of
most people I know of who are still acting out -
especially me, for years) and instead, putting
that same energy (and time) into simply taking
the actions of love toward our families,
communities, and selves. Ultimately, that
thinking was yet another self-absorbed and
self-centered exercise that only made me more
self-absorbed and self-centered. Not a good idea
for an addict, who already uses
sex-with-self and self-pleasuring as his tool
to cope with life's pains! Enough is sometimes
enough.
For example, a
few years ago (after a year or two in recovery),
whenever my wife would surprisingly find me
mopping or sweeping the entire house floor,
she'd say, "so what are you angry about now, dov?",
with a funny smile. She had discovered that when
I'd get furious (usually at her),
I had learned to react first by doing
stuff for her without
expectation of any reciprocation from her. Just
shut up and give. That would often soften my
pride, get a bit healthy, and help me see that
our relationship was indeed precious to me. It
helped open my heart a bit. I would then be more
able to look at what my part
in the problem was (working my 4th step with
Hashem's help), ask Hashem to save me from the
problem (my pride, fear, anger, etc.)(6&7), and
then make my amends with the wife (9).
Our relationship
is far from perfect, but it is very good. And
it isn't because I "worked
on myself".
If anything it's because I
stopped
working on myself and started working
for (not
on!)
others, instead. Whew!
You are truly
concerned about discouraging thinking. I agree
that this may be a dangerous derech if we are in
Cuba or a religious cult where someone else is
vying for our conscience or to control us. Then
I'd say "look
out!"
But this secular
spiritual group, with no leader, and no profit,
asks for no commitment from it's members and
presses no religious agenda. It's only purpose
is in helping each other get sober - even
without using the steps if some choose! If
anyone feels endangered by that, let them
joyfully go elsewhere!
Hence the
emphasis on the not
thinking so much.
But by all means, if thinking is working for
you, go right ahead!
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|
812. |
Monday ~ 23 Tamuz,
5770 ~ July 5, 2010
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|
In Today's Issue
-
Battle
Communication: Leaving Planet Lust
Attitude Tip
of the Day: Changing the One Thing I
don't Want To
Daily Dose of
Dov: Yetzer Hara & Teshuvah vs. Addiction
and Recovery
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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Battle Communication
Leaving Planet Lust
"Aaron" welcomes a newcomer with advice:
Your story reminds me of my own as well as so
many others here on GYE. It's scary how easy it
is to get hooked and how difficult it is to
extricate yourself later. But if you learn one
thing only here, know that it is possible to
break free. You do not have to be a slave to
lust. This was a huge revelation for me since I
convinced myself that my actions were
"normal". That popular culture was simply more
in tune with my reality, and that if a radio sex
therapist said masturbation was part of life,
that was probably true, and seforim that said
otherwise were simply out of touch. Of course,
she also said that affairs were part of life
too... but I chose to disagree with that because
luckily I didn't have any, so in THAT area I
could be "frum". Little did I realize it was all
rationalization. If I'd had an affair, it would
have immediately become "normal" too. My actions
dictated my values... instead of the reverse!
Although breaking
free is possible, it's not easy and it takes
time. Unfortunately, our brains have been wired
for lust as a result of many years of
training. It isn't easy to erase those pathways
and see the world correctly. But with work and
time, it will gradually improve.
In my experience,
one of the most significant side effects of this
addiction is that you live in an alternate
reality and not in the "real world". Your
actions may be real but your emotions are
disconnected from them. In your mind, you're
somewhere else, on Planet Lust. The goal of
recovery is to re-connect your mind and your
body. To bring your mind back from its endless
and pointless lust-soaked fantasies so that it's
focused on whatever you're ACTUALLY doing.
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Attitude Tip of the Day
Changing the One Thing I Don't Want To
"Jooboy" writes:
Here is something to help you think about when
you get jealous on the street. Having a
beautiful wife does not solve our problem. I
find my wife very beautiful and very attractive.
I would rather be with her than anyone else, but
it doesn't help my porn addiction one bit. Porn
for me is no different than cocaine for a drug
addict. It makes me forget my pain (only
during; after it hurts worse than before) and
takes me away from whatever is going on at the
moment. Street lust is no different. Lust is not
about fulfilling a normal need, it is about
wanting what you don't have. But
as soon as you get that something, lust hast to
move on to the next thing.
Classical addictive thinking is that everything
would be better if just I had... a wife, no
wife, a different wife, etc.
As an addict I don't naturally enjoy 'the
moment'. I want something
outside
of me to change first and then I'll be happy.
For me, recovery means accepting everything
around me - and changing over the one thing that
I real don't want to change: ME.
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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Daily Dose of Dov
Dov is sober in SA for over 13 years. See his
story
here.
Join Dov's Virtual SA Group
Here.
Yetzer Hara & Teshuvah vs. Addiction & Recovery
Someone asks:
I know that the first thing that will get me out
of this is wanting to. And I just don't
want to badly enough. I'm so furious at myself.
Why don't I want to recover?? What's wrong with
me?
Dov Responds:
Boruch Hashem I am sober today, a fact that is
more important to me that my life and anything
else in my life. As my wife told me about ten
years ago, the day I got sober is far more
precious to her than the day we got married. Nu.
She is not an addict and does not really
understand that it is one day at a time -
sobriety is not and never really is an "event" -
it doesn't "happen" nor "start" - I am sober by
Hashem's grace TODAY, and only because I allow
Him to help me. I possess the power to stop G-d's
help from working for me, at any time... But at
least my wife understands that if I am not sober
I basically have nothing, and nobody has me
either. I do not have my life and family, and
they do not have me. So it is certainly the
single most precious element in my life. Maybe
more precious than breathing, and I am not
waxing poetic, at all.
Most of the
addicts that I have met - whether successfully
in recovery or not, have a powerful and obvious
drive for kedusha and for perfectionism in
kedusha and spirituality. Many spend their early
years acting out in the confused state of trying
to get both simultaneously. You know, the
youngsters in NCSY who are belting out "gam ki
eileych..." in tears (together) quite sincerely
- and then later that night are getting sexual
with each other. I was there, too. It is a
painful place to be.
It's important to
understand though, that people who have
discovered sexual pleasures and do not want to
stop, are not necessarily addicts. I personally
believe that addiction is not a state of doing
aveiros over and over just because you want to
cuz it feels so good. Rather, I experience
addiction as primarily the experience of
repeating a pleasureful behavior even though you
do not want to - but fighting it
as hard as you can and using tricks etc, to quit
- yet still ending up messing up every (or
almost every) time. The typical slut, therefore,
is quite possibly not and addict, at all.
Many people are
under the knee-jerk impression that if they are
driven to do aveiros they must be an addict. To
me that means that they are automatically
equating "the Yetzer Hara" with "addiction".
This is simply inaccurate. The YH is certainly
powerful and may very well have something to do
with the start of this addiction. The weakness
we all possess for sexuality is certainly
exploited by the YH for Hashem's good plan.
There are certainly parallels between T'shuvah
and recovery... but they are not the same. In
fact, I came to GYE in the first place for one
reason only: to let people who are addicts
discover that they are more 'ill' than they are
'bad', and that success has not - and likely
will not - come out of further struggle and
'inspiration'. And that if they are truly
addicts, they have an allergy of the body to
lust and a mental illness, as well. And that
they may possess a twisted perspective on G-d
Himself... and on people, too, of course. And
that they do not need T'shuva at all right now,
but to learn how to stop and how to live without
their lust and sexual dependence today... right
now. Typically, once anyone starts to get sober
and becomes serious about their recovery, all
this becomes very obvious to them.
In other words,
as far as I am concerned, there is no glory at
all in frumly insisting that this battle is for
kedusha and Hashem's sake. Yeah, certainly my
sobriety is a kiddush Hashem and His Will is
better done through a sober me than through a
drunk, insane, and destructive me. But the path
to this point cannot often be on the glorious
and pretty path of traditional T'shuvah.
Addiction is an illness much more than it is a
moral struggle, and it needs strong medicine
rather than very, very good intentions. Framing
it as a struggle with my YH would have led me to
my death. I have no doubt about that, and mean
it literally.
Derech Eretz -
sanity - the ability to function on this earth -
comes before Torah. And just because it leads to
and enables Torah-living, does not make it
"Torah" any more than math is Torah because it
allows one to understand some sugyos in gmorah
P'sahchim and Succah. The very fact that for so
many of us, our addiction developed within the
context of our developing frumkeit itself, means
that our frumkeit is obviously infected. Oy
larasha, oy l'shchayno! It is not yiddishkeit or
Hashem that is not working', but is we
who are broken. And we took our yiddishkeit down
with us! Insisting upon using it to recover is
silly. Ein kateigor na'aseh san'eigor. We need
help of a fellowship and a Power Greater than
ourselves. Hashem can help us - we cannot. All
our mental and spiritual power is exactly what
got us here in the first place - and is the only
thing that will keep us in this mess! This is
what the 3rd step
is about. Abandonment to Hashem. Like in the
Sh'ma.
I have tried to
explain here why I believe that the actual work
to achieve sobriety, freedom, and stopping the
insanity and self-destruction (and destruction
of our families and communities) is the realm of
recovery, and not the realm of Torah-learning
and Tshuvah. At least for an addict like me. As
for me, my Torah and Yiddishkeit is built on my
sanity, which is ever-increasing as my recovery
deepens. I would not have it any other way. To
those who refuse to allow this perspective into
their lives and feel they need to fight the good
fight their own way based on their own
perceptions of whatever... I respectfully and
honestly say, "good luck".
I hope this is
helpful, as you are asking a good question when
you ask "what is wrong with me?" I just hope
that I have helped you frame it in a useful way,
rather than your seeming self-condemning way.
There is likely something wrong with you - not
with yiddishkeit, and your problem may have
little to do with yiddishkeit in the first
place, as I hope I have explained.
I sincerely wish
you Hatzlocha and all the help you need. I
honestly believe that anyone can make it.
Anyone.
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813. |
Tuesday ~ 24 Tamuz,
5770 ~ July 6, 2010
|
|
In Today's Issue
Yetzer Hara, do you love me or not?
Testimonial of
the Day: Aaron writes...
Battle
Communication: Shooting on the Street
Daily Dose of
Dov: Fighting the 700lb gorilla was not
working for me
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Tip of the
Day
Yetzer Hara, do you love me or not?
"Briut" Wrote:
You know, there may be different approaches for
different people. Some people like to fight the
Yetzer Hara with fire. That stopped working for
me after a while, because I got exhausted at the
prospect that I'd always be fighting.
Instead, I've
been a little sneakier lately. I speak quietly
and lovingly, almost whispering, to the enemy:
"Dear YH: I've known you for SO long. You've
been a constant companion. And I've always
listened to you IN THE PAST when you say that
your way is the right way for me. <chaval> But
right now, I need to have a day without you.
Just a short break to take care of some other
business.
"If you REALLY
love me, and REALLY have my best interests at
heart like you've always said, then you'll OF
COURSE give me a day's break. Feel free to come
around tomorrow, because you know I've always
been happy to see you <snicker>, but I'll feel
so much better if you'll go away for a day. You
DO still love me, don't you?"
<check, and
checkmate, as they'd say in chess>
He's cornered.
He's got to go away for the day. If he returns,
I can remind him that he promised. Then, if he
sticks around, it shows that he never really
loved me in the first place, so he's GOT to
leave me alone for the day.
So far, one day
at a time, that's been working better for me
than battling an enemy far more wily than me.
Just a thought.... Different approaches work for
different people!
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Testimonial
of the Day
Aaron, who is clean for 2 years, wrote me an
e-mail today:
B"H I'm doing better than ever. Slowly, staying
sober and working on living right, I'm
discovering a REAL PERSON underneath the
exterior shell. I never knew he existed, I was
always just "different". But B"H, no more. I am
now like everyone else.
Of course, that
comes with challenges. While other people have
been aware and in touch with their real selves
for many years, and have worked on good ways to
channel their natural reactions, for me, it's
all brand new. Although I now react (with
anger, irritation, happiness, appreciation, etc)
like a "regular person", I don't know how to
channel it. I'm an adult, but in some ways I'm
immature.
Now for the mea
culpa. I went with my family to a hotel and came
out with them to the outdoor pool. Big
mistake. But I went back in, never to go back
out. My wife is so sweet and clueless, and I
tell her, and she gets it and says "no problem,
I'm proud of you", but it's really all up to me.
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Battle
Communication
Shooting on the Street
By "Halevi"
Attitudes dictate actions and then actions can
drag the attitudes down with them, but it all
starts with the way you frame it in your mind. I
have found that if I spend a minute before I
leave the office focusing on the fact that I am
going to encounter all the denizens of hell
between the office door and my home, it really
helps to keep a control over my eyes. Sure I
probably look REALLY odd walking down the street
with my eyes on the floor, sometimes when the
'traffic' on the pavement is too heavy, even
looking down has its problems and I find I have
to dive out of the way, but what would you do if
someone was shooting at you in the street, would
you not dive? I see it as the Y"H is spitting
out his 'bullets' at me in female form and it is
my job to avoid them if I want to stay alive.
Some may find
this analogy amusing - but whatever works right?
Be strong - just
for today Rabboisai, JUST FOR TODAY.
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Daily Dose of Dov
Dov is sober in SA for over 13 years. See his
story
here.
Join Dov's Virtual SA Group
Here.
Fighting the 700lb gorilla was not working for
me
The heiliger Divrei Chayim (or maybe it was the
Sfas Emess) said: "Enlightened folks don't
desire freedom so that they can do whatever they
like whenever they want - like empty-headed
fools, but rather so that they can actually
succeed at fighting for Kvod Shomayim in this
life, each in their own way!"
Instead of
focusing on me valiantly fighting for Kvod
Shomayim by
not acting out,
with His help I will focus on being
a decent yid!
In the meantime, I'll take whatever daily
"medications" I need to cuz of my illness and
I just want
to live without giving lust the time of day. I
trust that attitude
to bring about way more
Kvod Shomayim in the end, anyway!
Getting in the ring to fight the 700lb gorilla
was not working for me. By making my goal to be
a decent (not perfect, just decent)
husband, father, ben Torah, recovery friend and
community member, I hope to lack the time to
get too distracted from real life, at all.
But I can't do that without a miracle, so:
Please save me today from delusions of grandeur
and help me put my load down on Your wagon
that's carrying me anyway!
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|
|
Upcoming Trip & Apology
We are traveling early next
week to give a presentation to the
Gedolim about our work on GYE. We
hope to get their backing - through
Torah Umesorah, which wants to send
our handbooks and 'Prevention Tips
for Parents' to all of the schools
in their network.
As a result of this upcoming trip
and the need to prepare the
materials for these hundreds of
schools and tens of thousands of
parents, we are extremely busy. We
apologize, but it looks like we may
be sporadic in sending the Chizuk
e-mails until we return on Sunday,
July 18th.
Meanwhile,
please make sure to read
every day from he archives of
800 "Breaking Free" chizuk e-mails
sent out in the past years,
and 400
Shemiras Ainayim Chizuk
e-mails as well. You can access the
archives by clicking on the numbers
1 - 800, and 1 - 400 at the top of
this page.
You are all pioneers in the GYE
revolution. Keep each other strong
on
the forum as well!
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|
814. |
Sunday ~ 7 Av,
5770 ~ July 19, 2010
|
|
In Today's Issue
-
The Trip:
Our Presentation to the Gedolim
Attitude Tip
of the Day: How Much More Must be in
Store!
Daily Dose of
Dov: Who do we
REALLY
believe in?
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The Guard
Your Eyes Presentation to the
Va'ad Roshei
HaYeshivos of Torah U'Messorah
As we announced in the Chizuk e-mail of July 8th,
me and my partner were just on a trip to talk
about our work before the Gedolim and to try to
get their Haskama to send out our materials to
the Torah Umesorah school network (almost 700
schools in the U.S).
I apologize for
the lapse in Chizuk e-mails of the past 10 days
or so. It was simply not possible to
prepare them. (We plan one day on having an
automated Chizuk e-mail system, so that it will
no longer be dependent on me :-)
Here are some notes from our talk at the
Sullivan-County Day-school in Monticello on July
15 2010, the 4th of Av 5770 before
the Va'ad Roshei HaYeshivos (who are mainly the
same members of the Mo'etzes Gedolei HaTorah of
Agudas Yisrael).
The following Gedolim were present.
Click here to download a picture of the
Gedolim during the talk (Rav Malkiel Kotler is
looking at the handbook).
The following Gedolim were supposed to be there
but unfortunately couldn't make it:
-
Rav Shmuel Kaminetsky
-
Rav Dovid Haris
-
Rav Hillel David
After I was introduced by Rav Dovid Najowitz
(head of Torah Umesorah), Rav Aharon Feldman
requested to make an introduction about Guard
Your Eyes to the other Gedolim who were present.
He spoke for about 2.5 minutes about our work.
Here is a rough (incomplete) transcript of
Rav Aharon Feldman's introduction:
I actually spent an hour with Yaakov... He came
down to Baltimore and showed me video
presentation of what he's doing... And I was
very, very impressed.
Based on (various?) statistics, the work that he
does, and the amount of people that he
reaches... (It's?) the only site, the only way
of reaching people that are addicted to these
kind of inappropriate materials that are found
on the internet... and I know personally many,
many cases that... yungerlite... there was a
rebbe in cheder who confessed to me that he is
addicted to the internet...
This is the ONLY method, Guard Your Eyes, which
gives like a 12-Step guide to members, gives
them support, gives them a buddy, gives them the
ability to cope with the fact that ... they have
friends(?), ... It helps them, gives them charts
which show them how many days they stayed clean
. A man came to me from Guard Your Eyes in
Baltimore and said he wants to make a Kiddush
because he's a year clean from watching internet
(shmutz)...
It's a tremendous ... effective thing, a very,
very important thing, wherever we turn there's
shmutz... in every possible area you see. And
this is the only area that's doing something
about it. And I gave them a Haskama... and I'm
helping them with other things a little bit. And
it's something that we all should support...
As I started talking, my partner handed out the
following material to each of the Rabbanim
present (click the links below to download the
material):
In the beginning of my talk, I played for the
Gedolim two MP3 audio clips,
one from Rabbi Twerski (1.5 min) and
one from Rav Veiner (1 min) to emphasize the
terrible destruction that the internet is
causing today. Then I described some of our
tools and solutions for about 12 minutes, until
I was held up by the Noviminsker Rebbe who
wanted to ask some questions... From then on,
there were questions and answers, and different
points were brought up amongst the participants.
At the end of the discussion, the Noviminsker
Rebbe said:
"Vus ihr tut is heiliger arbit (what you are
doing is holy work), because unfortunately a
large segment of our society is already gechapt,
arein gefallen in grub arein, (caught, fell into
the hole) and you're trying to save them, you're
trying to help them..."
In the course of the discussion, Rav Feldman
made it clear that the Gedolim can no longer
prohibit the use of the internet anymore. One
can hardly do anything today without the
internet and it is a
"gezeira
she'ain hatzibur yecholim la'amod bo" (a
decree that the population can not stand by).
However, the bottom line of what came out of the
discussion is that the Mo'etzes Gedolei HaTorah
want to make a Kol Korei that it is assur
to use the internet without strong filters
and/or reporting software. As soon as that
letter comes out, they would then agree to
send our material and offer our services to the
schools (hopefully in time for the new
school year). They would encourage the schools
to send out our
Prevention Tips for Parents to the entire
parent body of every school, and they would
encourage the Menahalim and Mechanchim in the
schools to read
The Guard Your Eyes Handbook to be well
equipped for how to deal with students who are
struggling in these areas, whether they may be
12, 15 or 18 years old.
At the end of the talk, I mentioned that we are
trying to build the framework to help and
accommodate tens of thousands of Jews who
struggle in these areas, and I asked the Gedolim
for their backing and help.
May Hashem reward our efforts with success, and
may we be zoche to 've'hiskadashtem
ve'hi'yisem kedoshim".
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Attitude Tip of the Day
How Much More Must be in Store!
In the course of our trip, we had to ride the
subway a few times, go through airports and
drive through Manhattan. You can imagine the
Shmiras Ainayim struggles in those places in
mid-summer!
A thought occurred to me that helped me in these
areas. Wherever I turned, there were "pleasures"
beckoning to me. And the more powerful the
pleasures beckoned, the more I said to myself as
I turned away,
"if there is so much pleasure around us that
Hashem
doesn't
want us to have, imagine how much pleasure
Hashem must have in store for us that he
does
want us to have!"
In other words, Hashem is
Tov U'meitiv.
He created the world for
our benefit, to bestow His good upon us.
And if He doesn't want us to have the pleasures
that we see all around us, then obviously He has
something MUCH BETTER in store for us! So
instead of fighting the Yetzer Hara by biting
our teeth and turning away (while cursing in our
hearts), we can rejoice each time we see
something that pulls us. Because
the greater the
pleasures around us appear, the greater the
pleasures Hashem
must
have in store for us must be!!
So next time we turn away from that
strong pull, we can smile to ourselves and say -
"wow, if that
was such a strong pull and such a strong
pleasure that I
can't
have, then SURELY there must be something SO
MUCH GREATER in store for me, if I only run
after Hashem instead!"
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Daily Dose of Dov
Dov is sober in SA for over 13 years. See his
story
here.
Join Dov's Virtual SA Group
Here.
Who do we
REALLY believe in?
Someone asks Dov:
The second step says: "We came to believe
that a Power greater than ourselves could
restore us to sanity". Isn't that obvious
for a frum Yid?
Dov Replies:
Sorry. It's not so simple. Take lust, for
example. Do you believe in lust - or do you
believe in Hashem? You will say "I believe in
Hashem." And I agree. But I think you may
discover that you believe in Lust, too. Why?
Let's see what we do with lust: We see a pretty
woman's image on the street, on paper, on the
web or in our minds... We follow it - try to get
as close as we can safely get to it, right?
Sounds a bit like acharei
Hashem teileichun? We often pay
attention to the pretty women we work with more
than we do to the unattractive ones. We expect
something from them. We apparently trust that
they can give us something that we need. That
she can satisfy some need of ours. Sound like kavei
el Hashem - ... lo ayachel - tzuri atoh? A
healthy yid looks toward Hashem to
fulfill all his needs and trusts in Him exclusively.
He's got whatever we need and is our 'go-to' one
for everything. (Look at the Chinuch on "Lo
sachanifu" - it speaks to this, if I remember
correctly.)
And when we use lust
we typically hide from eyn kol by going lifnai
v'lifnim and
are amazed by our total focus on our quarry -
especially in the act itself. Sounds like clearing
the mind and having kavonoh to me - only
to the wrong "higher power". There is misplaced
bitachon and dependence there - but still
bitachon, indeed. We often tried to escape lust
by changing this or that, moving, never using
that website,
forgetting or swearing off that phone
number or woman... but it followed us! Really, we followed it....
Anah mipanecha evrach? So many
guys complain bitterly, "it's all over the place
- everywhere I turn there's schmutz!" I say that
they are looking for it. Period. Yes, it's all
over the place, but paying all the attention
they do to it makes it so much more noticeable.
Why? Because it is still precious to them.
(Ouch).
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815. |
Tuesday ~ 9 Av,
5770 ~ July 21, 2010
Tisha Be'Av
|
|
In Today's Issue
-
Announcement:
Bringing Back the Shechina
-
Tisha Be'Av 1:
Yes, We Can!
-
Tisha Be'Av 2: Today; From
Destruction to Change
-
Tisha Be'Av 3: Hashem's Wrath
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
As we know, we are mourning the destruction of
our Temple. And we also know that G-d expressed
some level of mercy in destroying the Temple,
which is a building and not destroying the
Jewish People.
And that it is our mission in this generation,
to re-build the Temple through our merits. And
our merits are earned by bringing ourselves
closer to Hashem and His ways. When we elevate
our Neshamos, then we will merit the return of
the Temple and the Shechina.
So too, with our SA addiction - We have
destroyed our Temple - our BODIES. Our addiction
gives power and a voice to our bodies.
Yet, even in our own wrecked bodies still lives
a precious Neshama.
And that it is our mission and our struggle; to
give our Neshamos a bigger Voice than our
bodies.
THE 12 STEP Program helps us work on our EGOs,
find humility and Deveikus with Hashem.
And when we "enlarge our Spiritual Life" and
give Power to our G-dlly Neshamas, then we will
truly bring back the Shechina.
Next week, we begin
a new cycle of the 12-Step groups. There
will be a morning group and a noon group, to
make it more convenient for everyone. Let us
make a decision today, to give our Neshamos a
louder voice than our bodies!
Have a easy and meaningful fast,
Duvid Chaim
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Yes, We CAN!
When the spies came back and declared
"we can't"
inherit the land of Israel, the entire nation
wept that night in their tents. And Hashem
declared that "since you cried on this night for
nothing, you will cry on this night for
generations". The crying for generations that we
cry, is the mourning over what we always said
"we can't"
do.
This notion of "we can't", is the source of all
mourning. It is the source of all physical and
spiritual failures. Hashem is behind us. There
is NOTHING we can't do. But we are intimidated
and afraid to try hard enough. We don't believe
in ourselves and in Hashem enough. And that is
what causes us to fail again and again. That is
the root cause of all destruction.
So on this Tisha Be'Av, while we mourn the times
we thought "we can't", let us focus our mourning
into a powerful resolution for the future:
"YES, WE CAN".
Yes, it seems that the addiction is so much
stronger than us, just as the fortified cities
and giants appeared to be much stronger than the
Jewish people's military capabilities in the
desert. But if Hashem is with us, if Hashem is
behind us, WE
CAN DO ANYTHING.
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Today; From Destruction to Change
By "Shnook"
This is a poem I wrote about us, all of us on
the GYE forum who have made a decision, held our
noses and taken the terrifying plunge. Sometimes
we think "let's be real here, what's the
likelihood we'll ever manage to put this behind
us?". Well, with that attitude we definitely
won't.
Sometimes you've
just got to be crazy and stubborn, stick with
it, and then look back and smile cuz you realize
Hashem helped you do it.
THE PLUNGE
Here I am
standing
my foot
poised to fall,
which side I
don't know
for I stand
on a wall.
The choice
that I make
can be mine
to keep,
it starts
with a step
yes, it
starts with a leap.
Inside me's a
whisper
a comfort so
cruel -
Where are
your senses?
please don't
be a fool,
do you really
believe
that you
could ever change,
so quick and
so sudden
you must be
deranged,
really you're
dreaming,
don't act
when you feel,
stop being
dramatic
it's time to
get real.
but then
there is me
who peers out
from inside,
who's tired
of waiting
who's ready
to fly,
and it's one
decision
that if I
could keep,
could make me
so high
and could
make me so deep.
With a smile
I think and
it cuts like
a knife...
Today could
be the first day
of the rest
of my life.
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Hashem's Wrath
In our "Practical
Tips"
section on our site (at the very bottom of the
page), we present a tip called "The Last Resort"
for someone who is about to stumble. We offer an
alternative to
viewing pictures of flesh that will turn one
"on", namely by showing pictures of flesh that
will turn one "off". One of those pages contain
terrible pictures
from the Holocaust.
On Tisha Be'av it may be appropriate to remember
this tip, and also to watch & listen to the
horrifying interview with a former Treblinka SS
Guard that can be found at the top of that page.
How can we
desire sinful flesh ever again after seeing
these pictures and hearing this interview? After
we see how futile and fleeting life is? And most
of all - after seeing the
fury of Hashem's wrath up
close.
Although our
site and forum generally take a very positive
and encouraging tone, and although Hashem loves
us dearly and deals with us with so much
patience, Tisha Be'av is a day to remember that when
we do not do
what is asked of us,
when we do not ultimately
take the steps necessary to fulfill Hashem's
will and do Teshuvah, Hashem's wrath and
punishment are
severe indeed .
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816. |
Wednesday ~ 10 Av,
5770 ~ July 22, 2010
|
|
In Today's Issue
Duvid Chaim Launching Two 12-Step Groups
Testimonial of
the Day: Real Friends
Battle
Communication: There is a Third Way
Daily Dose of
Dov: His Mission is to
Kill Us
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Announcement
Duvid Chaim Launching Two 12-Step Groups
on Monday, July 26 (Tu be'Av)
AHOY CHEVRA!!
Join Duvid
Chaim's upcoming FREEDOM
FLOTILLA with
the launch of two simultaneous 12-Step groups
this coming Monday, July 26 (Tu be'Av)!
Click here for more details
Not one, but Two
Ships -
are launching this time!
You will now have a choice of two groups:
- For the early birds - there is the
Steve/Dov/Michael group with its daily call
at 8:30 am EST.
- For the Lunch & Learners - there is Duvid
Chaim's usual NOON
time ESTgroup.
Both groups will be on the same page, so you can
come on board one or both, or
switch times to your convenience.
Looking FORWARD,
Duvid Chaim
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Testimonial
of the Day
Real Friends
"Shmendrick", an anonymous Rabbi who has been
posting on
our forum for the last few months writes:
If I went to some convention of Orthodox Jews
and asked what them "Tell me, what kind of
people would you expect to find among a group of
people that are admittedly out of control in
their lusts, who all have spent hundreds if not
thousands of hours watching pornography,
masturbating, some of whom have even had
extra-marital affairs and lust for all sorts of
unmentionable things -- would you want to
associate with any of them?"
I am sure that I would not get a very positive
response.
But I must tell you, in all my Rabbinic glory,
that I am so very deeply proud, honored,
grateful and speechlessly humbled to be in your
presence. You are an amazing group of people who
are so spiritually aware, deeply caring and
loving -- I could not ask for better and more
precious friends.
I look forward to some time when we can meet
each other in person, and cry and laugh on each
other's shoulders as we express our very
heartfelt appreciation for each other.
Thank you so very much
Your friend,
"Shmendrick"
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Battle
Communication
There is a Third Way
Aaron writes:
The facts don't change for an addict in
recovery. The addiction is STILL much stronger
and, as far as I know, always will be. The only
way out is never to let the addiction in the
drivers seat. Keep the real you in charge, as
much as it may hurt. And it does hurt...
and you may wonder why you should put up with
the pain when the balm is so readily available?
Why live in a state of pain, lack of
fulfillment, boredom, lethargy, irritation, etc.
etc. It's so easy to make it all go away!! The
only answer I've found, is when you realize that
in the long run (and medium run too), the pain
of acting out is MUCH WORSE. It's what they call
hitting rock bottom. Until you're convinced,
with absolute certainty, that they pain of
acting out is worse than the pain of living,
that it will kill you and ruin your life, then
it's hard to let the real you stay in
charge.
This all sounds
pretty depressing. I'm essentially saying that
you have to pick the lesser of two evils - the
choice is between pain on one hand, and more
pain on the other. Pretty bleak.
BUT - and this part has to be take on faith in
the beginning - there is a third way.
There is a way of fulfillment. Happiness.
Productivity. Healthy relationships. Kedusha
V'taharah. It just takes time to get there. For
me most of the time, the only defense I have is
the knowledge that acting out is worse than the
pain I'm experiencing now. But every once in a
while, I get a taste of why it's all
worthwhile. What REAL living is all about. And
it's a lot sweeter than lust. It's positive and
eternal, not fleeting and damaging. It's why
we're here.
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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Daily Dose of Dov
Dov is sober in SA for over 13 years. See his
story
here.
Join Dov's Virtual SA Group
Here.
His Mission is to
Kill Us
In Chizuk e-mail #814, Dov wrote that we addicts
often treat the addiction as we are supposed
to treat our relationship with Hashem... For
example, as the Pasuk says in Tehhilim, "Lo
Ayacheil" - we "hope" to the addiction to
provide our needs in the same way we are
supposed to hope to Hashem - who is the real
provider of all our needs. Dov continues with
this theme:
Where I quote 'lo ayacheil', with respect
to the problem, the way it actually works in
real life is that many folks sacrifice chunks of
their life - their spirituality, their
relationships, their families, and jobs. So, in
a twisted and very sad sort of way, the first part
of that posuk also applies: Hein
yikteleini -
lo ayacheil.
It is twisted, but the reality is this: 'Even
though my addiction is killing me (and I often
wish I would just quit), I see that I still run
after it at great personal sacrifice!'
It is so precious
for me to see that it is really true for me. As
the Nesivos Shalom writes, the mission of the YH
is not strictly to make me do aveiros - it is to
kill me. That is, to destroy every aspect of
my life, relationships, parnosah,
self-concept... not 'just' spirituality.
And addiction is
parallel to that - it is about destroying everything.
Sometimes even for those attached to
us, like our friends and families.
But strangely,
that is the addiction's very undoing! Just like
the Melech Zokein Uk'sil - the very success of
the Soton leads to his own failure and
destruction. In the case of an addict, life
becomes progressively uncomfortable
until eventually we each need to choose between
extreme pain - and recovery. By the Chessed of
Hashem, I chose life. May I only chose life
today.
Tov v'yoshor
Hashem -
Hashem is so very Good! Al
kein yoreh chato'im
baderech -
For he throws
down (as
in "yara bayom" by the yam Suf, and "yaroh
yi'yareh" by Sinai) the sinners onto The Path
(of correction). The problem I had forced me
into recovery - the refuah is before
the makkah. Indeed, it is the makkah itself!
May Hashem help
us convert the makkah into the refuah sooner,
rather than later, by admitting the truth about
ourselves and getting out of His way. That takes
some work. And as far as I am concerned, that is
the message
of the 12 steps.
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817. |
Thursday ~ 11 Av,
5770 ~ July 22, 2010
|
|
In Today's Issue
-
Zikui Harabbim
at its Best
-
Announcement:
Duvid Chaim's Groups
+
Beautiful Testimonial
Testimonial of
the Day: Mazal Tov to "ClearEyes"
Daily Dose of
Dov: It's a Fight for Survival, Nothing
Else.
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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Zikui Harabbim
at its Best
In our presentation to
the Gedolim last week, we described our
"Prevention Tips for Parents" that Torah
Umesorah hopes to send out to nearly 700 schools
in the U.S, hopefully reaching over 100,000
parents.
Click here
to download the PDF file called "Prevention Tips
for Parents"
(For this link and the others below, you can
download by Right-Clicking and choosing "Save
Target/Link As")
Meanwhile, someone took the initiative and sent
these prevention tips to the Menahel of their 17
year old son's Yeshiva, in South Bend Indiana. A
short time later, they received their son's
report card by mail, along with the
prevention tips and a letter from the
Yeshiva encouraging each parent to pay careful
attention to these tips in order to make sure
that their child doesn't lose all they had
gained in Yeshiva over the summer vacation.
Click here to see the letter from the
Yeshiva to the parents.
And then someone sent our prevention tips to the
"Where
What When" magazine, which is a Frum monthly
publication in the Baltimore-Washington area -
with a readership of about 40,000. And believe
it or not, the magazine published a 6 page
article containing our tips (in the August
edition, just out today)!
Click here to download the WWW article (a
scan in PDF format).
So what will
YOU
do with our
prevention tips? Imagine the tremendous
Zikui Harabbim you could have if you get these
guidelines published in local publications, or
send them to your children's schools or Yeshivos!
(Ask us for the Word version of the prevention
tips, if changes need to be made).
Also, in the same issue of
"Where
What When", that same person placed a paid full
page color-ad about our network.
Click here to download the flier that was
printed in the WWW.
Can you gather the courage to disseminate our
flier as well? You can either post copies of it
on bulletin boards (preferably in color), or
leave multiple copies where they will be
seen (here, black & white might be more cost
efficient), or run the ad in local publications
(making sure to request a non-profit discount).
Imagine how many people could be helped!
The Chovos Halevavos (Shar
Ahavas Hashem, Perek 6) writes:
"And you should know, my brother, that the merit
of the believer, even should he reach the utmost
completion in fixing his soul for blessed G-d,
and even should he be close to the angels in
their good traits and praiseworthy actions, and
in the efforts they expend in their service of
their creator, and in their pure love for Him,
still do not reach the merits of someone who
guides people onto the good path and steers the
wicked to Divine service. For his merits are
doubled in relation to their merits, for all
days and all times".
Imagine the merits you will accumulate if others
are helped through you!
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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Announcement
Duvid Chaim Launching Two 12-Step Groups
on Monday, July 26 (Tu be'Av)
Click here for more details
Here's a beautiful testimonial from one of Duvid
Chaim's Talmidim; a letter written to Duvid
Chaim after the last cycle finished:
R' Duvid Chaim,
First, thank you. Second, thank you. And of
course, third... and onwards.
And as you said, the program is not about lust.
As a byproduct of getting rid of resentments and
fears, lust disappears. I am certainly not
cured, but I can sense that the promises of the
program are coming true. I have a new sense of
awareness of the immediacy of life around me,
the beauty of connecting to people and Hashem's
world in a real and new sense, a sense of calm
and serenity that I have not experienced before.
A new level of patience and connection with my
wife and kids, understanding and tolerance, that
allows me to be happy even in the face of
turmoil. Don't get me wrong -- I am not always
"holding" there, but from where I was before to
now is truly incredible.
Re: the lusting, first let me say that despite
my 12 year "sobriety" I could never figure out
how to stop the onslaught of illicit thoughts
that would rush in to my brain as I closed my
eyes on my pillow at night; my "pacifier" to put
me to sleep. Somehow those thoughts have all but
diminished, for the first time ever, which is a
complete miracle. And when they do try to
infiltrate, I have so far been successful for
the most part (not always, and yes, I daven that
the miracle should continue) to allow them to go
"in one ear and... out the other." I attribute
this solely to siyata d'Shamaya, perhaps because
of my hishtadlus in joining the program, perhaps
because G-d knows that I am trying to get closer
to Him sincerely, perhaps for some other reason
that I am probably not aware of. Also, my
craving to see improper things on Blackberry has
diminished greatly, and, bli ayn hara, I daven
that it should not return. Also, when I avert my
eyes from things I should not see, it is not as
painful as it used to be; in fact I get an inner
simcha when I am successful to be able to focus
away from what I remind myself is counterfeit
joy and turn my attention to true joy. Also, I
am taking new joy in my wife, no longer focused
on my resentfulness of her overweight, and am
learning to love her deeply and truly. What
could be better? Not a religious life - a
SPIRITUAL life. Simple, obvious, yet only
finally beginning to be completely accessible
now.
R' Duvid Chaim, your name bespeaks your purpose:
you give CHAIM through your loving, blunt,
caring presentation of the program to withered
souls who crave the reviving waters of true simcha
and chesed. I am making it my purpose and my
mission to become a person who "gets out of my
head" and starts living for others and for
Hashem. May He give you, the Chevra, me and all
of Klal Yisroel the continued siyata shemaya to
gain a true refuah and connect truly to Him
alone. Thank you - todah -
I am modeh to
you from the bottom of my heart.
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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Testimonial of the Day
Mazal Tov to "ClearEyes"
A big Mazal Tov to "ClearEyes" who reached one
full year clean through our network. May Hashem
help him go
Mechayil El Choyil!
(See e-mail #607 on
this page for some great posts from
Cleareyes, upon reaching 90 days clean.)
Cleareyes wrote me an e-mail now:
Hello Reb Guard Shlita,
From the bottom of my heart, thank you for the
tremendous work you have done and are continuing
to do. May Hashem continue to bless you with
much success in all areas of yours and
guardyoureyes growth.
July 19th will be my 365th day clean, making Tes
Av my first anniversary. May you continue help
rebuild the foundation of each broken Yid. You
have surely brought the Beis Hamikdosh closer.
I could not have done it without you all.
Cleareyes
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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Daily Dose of Dov
Dov is sober in SA for over 13 years. See his
story
here.
Join Dov's Virtual SA Group
Here.
It's a Fight for Survival, Nothing Else.
The business of seeing my struggle as all
focused on becoming the kind of person who would
never have a strong desire to
act out again, has nothing - and I mean nothing
to do with recovery. Granted, a person who takes
his recovery seriously will eventually be mostly
free of lust. But the goal for me is not to
become a kodosh. It is simply to not act out. To
not use lust. Becoming
a kodosh is a very nice - and likely -
side-effect of long-term sobriety. But survival
as a healthy and useful human being is by far
the main object. At least, for me.
And there are two
huge drawbacks to keeping kedusha in our sights
as our goal (at least for me):
1- My root
problem was never that I lacked kedusha - it
certainly was result of
my acting out, but not the problem itself.
My problem was
that I was nuts and addicted. Adding kedusha was
never, ever the solution - it only made my
problem worse - like trying to put a wood-fire
out with lots of newspaper, or maybe even with
gasoline.
2- Judging that
my problem is a kedusha/lack of kedusha problem
is actually a way to save face, It's my pride.
It allows me to view myself as 'fighting the
good fight'... Really there is no glamor in the
struggle for sobriety; it is a fight for
survival, to have a real life rather than a
living lie... a living death. Fooling myself
that my struggle is for 'kedusha' perverts
reality and makes it impossible to actually
improve because I view the simple, inglorious
work I really need
to do as beneath my dignity.
#2 is perhaps one
of the most important things I had to accept,
and I believe that the pride that makes some
folks vilify (or at least avoid)
the 12-Step program is one of the most common
reasons that so many end up as road kill.
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818. |
Friday ~ 12 Av,
5770 ~ July 23, 2010
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|
In Today's Issue
-
Parsha Talk -
Va'eschanan:
"Am Chacham Ve'Navon"
Links of the
Day: The Dangers of FaceBook
Torah Thought
of the Day: When His Love is Strongest
Announcement:
Don't forget to sign up for Duvid Chaim's
Group
Daily Dose of
Dov: Perhaps our only chance to get our
very own G-d
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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Parsha
Talk: Va'eschanan
"Am Chacham Ve'Navon"
By "N.B"
I was doing shnayim mikreh and I encountered
unkelus' translation of eloheyhem. The passuk
says that Hashem inflicted punishment on Egypt's
elohim. Unkelos translates it as "Ta'vusehon",
which comes from the word "Ta'us" or mistake.
The gods of Egypt were false gods, or items in
which they placed a false belief. But unkolus's
word reminded me of the word "Ta'avah" too, so
in my mind, I envisioned understanding the
translation of eloheihem as "their lusts", and I
was thinking of how Dov explained, that when we
lust after the image of a woman, what we are
actually doing is placing our salvation in a
false image, or, in other words, worshiping
Egypt's elohim. And the common denominator is
that we are living a false life. Hashem wants us
to live a true and real life,
to be a "am
chacham venavon," and when we worship
idols or pursue our lusts we are living a false
fantasy fairy tale life, which is not why we are
here and which is why such action is abhorred by
Hashem. Hashem put us here for a reason, and
instead of living here, we have created a
virtual alternate twilight galaxy in which we
live. In a sense, we reject Hashem's creation
and what Hashem has given us, and choose to
pursue our own creation.
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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Links of
the Day
The Dangers of FaceBook
Rabbi Zecharia Wallerstein talks to teen-age
girls about the dangers of FaceBook and other
social networking sites. (And along the lines of
what N.B wrote above, he tells them to
stop living in
the fake world and start living in the
real world!)
Part 1
(9 minutes)
Part
2
(10 minutes)
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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Torah
Thought of the Day
When His Love is Strongest
By "An honest mouse"
Rav Chaim Shmulevitz brings a ritvoh in Yuma
(54b). The gemorah says, that when the non-Jews
entered the kodesh hakodoshim to destroy the
bais hamikdosh, they found the keruvim embracing
each other and they made fun of the Jews. The
ritvoh asks, that it says in bava basra (91a)
that the keruvim faced each other only when the
Jews did Hashem's will, to show there was a
closeness between Hashem and us, but when we
didn't, they faced apart. So how come during the
churban when we clearly weren't doing Hashem's
will, they were facing together?
Rav Chaim says that this is because rebuke can
only be done through love. We see this with
Sedom as well, that when Hashem came to destroy
them, the Shechina was around and Lot's family
were warned not to look at it. When Hashem is
making things hard for us and testing us, that's
when His love for us is strongest, that's when
He is closest. In other words, we have to train
ourselves to see Hashem behind all the
temptation, because it's really Him who's doing
it all in the 1st place, to give us a chance to
reach greater heights. And when we feel the pain
of the addiction the strongest, perhaps that is
when He is closest to us.
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Announcement
Don't Forget
to Sign Up!
Duvid Chaim Launching Two 12-Step Groups
on Monday, July 26 (Tu be'Av)
Click here for more details
To sign up, contact Duvid Chaim
here
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Daily Dose of Dov
Dov is sober in SA for over 13 years. See his
story
here.
Join Dov's Virtual SA Group
Here.
"Perhaps our only chance to get our very own
G-d"
The first 3 Steps of the 12-Steps state:
1. We admitted we were powerless over lust--that
our lives had become unmanageable.
2. We came to believe that a Power greater than
ourselves could restore us to sanity.
3. We made a decision to turn our will and our
lives over to the care of God as we understood
Him.
Someone writes to Dov about Step 3:
WELL, I THOUGHT I MADE SUCH A DECISION, AT LEAST
WHEN I'M GOING GOOD, BUT THAT ALL FALLS APART
WHEN I'M FALLING.
Dov Responds:
Maybe the reason it all falls apart is because
another god can come to our rescue. WE cannot
even touch the 3rd step without taking steps 1 &
2 as best we can.
One caveat again: This
is not a
matter of apikorsus! I believe that an addict is
no more an apikoress than anyone else can be.
How many non-addicts
have their emunah really put to the test on a
daily basis as we do? I wonder. Every addict I
have met is striving for something he or she
can't seem to reach. We are a rather unsatisfied
lot.
Whether it's a demand for
perfectionism, a need for
deep spirituality, or the pain of comparing
ourselves to others and feeling like a worthless
piece of garbage as a result... I believe we are doomed to
be either extremely spiritual and always growing
toward perfection - or to
be drugging with something very intoxicating -
like lust, when it doesn't quite work the way we
expected it would.
For whatever reason, I see it as Rav Noach zt"l
would tell the cycler who fell off a cliff and
landed safely cushioned between two boulders.
The fellow told him that since he had that
miracle, he needs no yeshivah nor Torah to teach
him about G-d any more. Rav Noach responded: But
why did you fall off the cliff in the first
place? Do you see G-d only as 'Superman' coming
to rescue you as needed?
It seems He
wanted your attention.
That is what I come away from being an addict
with: For some reason, the Creator of Heaven and
Earth wanted my attention. Rachmona
leeba bo'ei. He was not satisfied with me
having a superficial relationship with Him. And
it was bashert that
I become an addict and have to find Himby way of
depravity and insanity. I am not touching on
bechirah issue - the fact is that I am an
addict, and at some point I became hopeless. And
He was and is the only One who can really save
me... lo ayacheil! Ein
od milvado! Many other people apparently are
able to learn that through mitzvos - I could
only learn it through aveiros. Sorry, that is
just the way it was.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Our compulsive use of lust is a mental,
spiritual, and emotional illness that is
expressed in step 1. If we truly recognize what
kind of deep trouble we are in, then steps 2 & 3
become necessary. If they are not indispensable,
we need to go back to step 1.
Steps 4 - 7 are about everything else screwy
about us - not
the addiction.
We often seem to
see our problem as only a lusting problem
- as though if only we'd have the compulsive
sexual acting out removed from us, we'd be fine.
Take it or leave it, but that is not how any
sober addict I know sees the 12 step recovery
program. Besides, it's wasting Rav Noach's whole
approach ...this may be our only shot at getting
a real G-d of our very own, for a change. How
many frum people do you know who you know to
have a vibrant relationship with Hashem and
really feel and act like Hashem is their very
Best Friend? Certainly you know from yourself
that being a frum person is no guarantee of that
relationship - just look at ourselves! If we'd
be that close with Hashem, then why did we
worship porn stars and their body parts for so
long? ... and in secret ... and even though we
knew He didn't want us to do it? Something,
actually, probably a few things,
are not right with us. We need some help.
Our compulsive
acting out with lust, alcohol, gambling,
whatever - is a symptom of
our unhealthiness - not the other way around.
Please consider
looking into
the 12 & 12 (by AA) on steps 4, 5, 6, & 7 on
this. A sober alcoholic in recovery changes from
a person who is obsessed with stopping his
drinking - which he is unable to do without a
miracle anyway - into a person whose mission in
life is letting go of his selfish
self-centeredness, crippling pride and fear and
other mishegas'n - in order to be truly useful
to others, Hashem, and himself ...for a change.
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819. |
Sunday ~ 14 Av,
5770 ~ July 25, 2010
|
|
In Today's Issue
Tomorrow is the Big Launch!
Quote of the
Day: "ve'amru,
rak am chacham ve'navon"
Anecdote of
the Day: Small Deeds, Big Rewards
Daily Dose of
Dov: Self-Knowledge vs. Self-Honesty
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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Tomorrow is
the BIG LAUNCH!
Have you tried to stop countless times, but
still can't?
Are you concerned about privacy and anonymity,
but you know that you would benefit by working a
12 Step Program?
Are you finding it too difficult to make a
face-to-face SA meeting?
Do you want to be part of a fellowship of a
group of men who share your struggle?
GuardYourEyes is proud to offer two 12 Step Big
Book Study groups, run by Duvid Chaim and his
trusted Talmidim. The two groups will be
simultaneous, morning and noon, four times a
week.
The Big Book Study groups use the traditional
and proven format used by millions of 12 Step
sponsors and sponsees who have, with G-d's help,
found recovery and freedom from their addiction.
Tomorrow, Monday, July 26, Tu be'Av
Click here for more details
To sign up, contact Duvid Chaim
here
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Quote of
the Day
"ve'amru, rak am chacham ve'navon"
An Indian non-Jew wrote to the filter gabai:
I am very disheartened by pornography
availability on internet. All our sages in India
like Buddha, Mahavira, Guru Nanak, etc suggested
us to avoid a provocative environment in the
first 12 years of celibacy practice (which is
considered the first stage of spirituality to
get final Self-Realization in Indian spiritual
tradition) and unfortunately, being a software
engineer, I had to remain in touch with
internet. Every 1-2 months (and once after 6
months), my celibacy practice got broken due to
pornography. If not for the pornography on
internet, I would have right now crossed 6 years
of unbroken celibacy practice. What a mess this
internet pornography is making out of everyone!
Net Nanny has got very high ranking in last few
years and it costs just $24 per year - which is
just $2 per month. If we can pay $50 per month
for electricity, I do not find it outrageous to
pay $2 per month for getting a service which can
make my life free from the degrading influence
of porn.
I will make your e-mail filter.gye@gmail.com as
admin for my filter.
Thank you for providing this valuable service.
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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Anecdote
of the Day
Small Deeds, Big Rewards
A Story sent to us by "Zemirosshabbos" From a
blog called
Tikkun
My wife and I had a newly-wed couple over as
guests for the Friday night meal this past
Shabbos. We knew the husband, who had grown up
in my wife's neighborhood and went to the same
shul as my father-in-law; and older bachur, this
man just got married at age 32. His wife is a
convert from the Philippines, and while we were
at shul, she and my wife were shmoozing, and the
conversation came around to the subject of why
she converted.
The story she told my wife is beautiful, and I
believe that we have an obligation to spread the
story around, for the valuable lessons inherent
in it.
She grew up in a very religious Catholic home,
where the catechism of the Trinity confused her
greatly. One elder told her to "Pray to the
Father", another told her "Pray to the Son", and
yet another told her to "pray to the Holy
Ghost". She was in dire straits, because she
really wanted to pray - but she didn't know who
she should pray to!
Realizing that the faith she had been brought up
with didn't have the answers she sought, she
began looking into other religions that were
prevalent in her country. Islam had no sway over
her; Buddhism didn't interest her at all...
She felt lost, and the constant pressure from
her peers and family - who were convinced she
had "the Devil" in her - began to feel
overwhelming. As soon as she was able to move,
after graduating from school, she headed for the
United States.
What a culture shock! The relative reservedness
of the Philippines left her unprepared for what
she encountered after moving to Bayonne, New
Jersey. Suddenly, random people would stop her
on the street and begin conversing with her;
strange men would make advances, attempting to
get her phone number, take her out for a coffee,
and the like. The freedom, the provocatively
loose atmosphere seemed to saturate everything
American, and it took serious adjustment.
One hot day, she was walking back to her
apartment. On the way, she passed a young man
dressed very strangely: he was wearing a black
jacket and hat, and he had these funny strings
hanging out of his pants. As the passed each
other, she expected him - like so many other men
in the past - to stop her, or get a good look at
her in her very revealing clothes. To her
astonishment, he averted his eyes, looking down
to the ground as he hurriedly passed her.
She couldn't believe it! To be sure, she turned
around to see if he would maybe turn back after
they had passed each other and sneak a peek, but
as far as she could tell, he kept going on his
way without stopping.
In a place where everyone is looking to satisfy
their urges, could such a thing be possible? Who
was that boy? Upon returning to her apartment,
her roommate informed her that the boy she had
seen on the street was a Jew. Until that point,
she had never seen a Jew, didn't know what a Jew
was or looked like, knew nothing about Jews at
all.
What she did know was that she would have to
find out more about these "Jews" and their
intriguing ways.
She began to ask around, and meet with Jewish
folks and amass as much information as possible.
What she discovered was a world of dedication,
integrity, sincerity, and consistent commitment.
She was hooked, and she began the long arduous
process to convert to Judaism. Now, thank God,
she is married, and beginning to build a Jewish
home in the wonderful tradition of her adoptive
forebears.
We simply do not appreciate the impact the
slightest gesture, the smallest action, can
make. I have no doubt that this Yeshiva boy does
not know what he did, what an impression he
made. And yet, when he gets "up there" (after
120, God willing), he is going to be presented
with the myriads of z'chusim (merits) that will
come about from every commandment and good deed
faithfully fulfilled by this woman and her
family, and he will receive credit for each one!
One act of shmiras einayim (guarding the eyes)
led a woman searching for God in the right
direction. How many times are we presented with
choices on how to behave, and we have no idea
who is watching? It's a very important lesson
for all of us to internalize, and may we all act
properly at all times, whether or not anyone is
watching!
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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Daily Dose of Dov
Dov is sober in SA for over 13 years. See his
story
here.
Self-Knowledge vs. Self-Honesty
The 12-Steps typically shy away from engaging
much in deep analysis of what our deep
motivations are in our acting out. To me, such
study is likely to be mental 'self pleasuring'
(sorry for being crass) and often just another
righteous attempt at being independent of
G-d, again... just like we were while were
acting out. During early recovery I believe it
is particularly silly and even toxic.
Over the years, I have seen many people give up
recovery completely just to satisfy their
desire/need to hang onto (what I believe their
pride considers) "their right to
do only what they understand," and to be able to
take credit for their recovery.
As far as I am concerned, the various 'self-help
routines' promoted out there might work fine for
many people - but not for me. So that's what I
share.
And I see the work behind the 2nd and 4th steps
as very different
than such analysis. As Bill wrote in AA (where
he introduces the steps), "we discovered that
self-knowledge was not the key to recovery" (I
paraphrase) - rather, it is self-acceptance
and self-honesty that
we needed. And the depth of
the knowledge is irrelevant. It is the simple acceptance of
the unadulterated truth about ourselves that is
the only thing that matters, for it helps us
give up and become dependent upon Hashem, for a
change.
So why the self-analysis in
step 2 and 4?
Because it is not analysis
and understanding that
we are after, it is honesty
and facts. While it may seem semantics to
some, it works for
me, while the old way did not. In the 'good old
days' my 24/7 inner occupation was
self-understanding - learning maseches "me" - so
that I could beat this thing... really so that I
could finally control it
rather than to be truly rid of it. It was always
supposed to have been my buddy.
I always craved having the power to use it
without it using me.
That was my true goal. When you boil it down, I
still just wanted to lust - but without paying
the price. Like my many attempts at enjoying
masturbation - without actually spilling
seed, 'chalilah'. Oops! Too far... That way
never ever worked. It was all about finally
figuring it all out. It was playing a game and
lying to myself. It was just another sick part
of my addiction, nothing more.
Nowadays, rather than trying to figure
everything out, I need to simply face facts
about myself and about reality. I am told by
recovery people that admitting the truth about
myself and my situation will open the door to
getting better. I am a sick person getting
better.
We need to accept that there are sick values,
attitudes, and thought processes that are driving our
addictive behaviors. Everyone I have met who is
in successful recovery, admits more and more
that they are sick - meaning that they come to
see that their thinking and attitudes are
perverted. Addiction demystified. OK, maybe it
must remain a bit mysterious - we do not really
gain control over ourselves just because we
understand how sick we are. Rather, accepting
the true extent and manifestations of our own
ill-ness helps us do one precious thing: give
up on our own ability to beat it. To rely
totally on Hashem to enable us to succeed.
Much as we are supposed to in parnossah.
As long as it was just an
aveiro that we did,
it was a 'pet project' of ours - and we failed
miserably. But once it became a
disease, we
saw that we were the
problem, not the
girls in skimpy dresses, nor
the yetzer hara, nor anything
else. We need
fixing, and we need it badly.
We had - and have work to do.
|
|
|
820. |
Monday ~ 15 Av,
5770 ~ July 26, 2010
Tu Be'Av
|
|
In Today's Issue
-
Testimonial of
the Day: "I
was living in a box"
Tip of the
Day: Anonymous & Free Phone Calls
Daily Dose of
Dov: The Inner Wiring of an Addict
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Testimonial of the Day
"I was living in a box"
Yosef wrote:
I can't believe it has been one month. It seems
like yesterday that I installed a filter and
turned away from that world.
A big thanks to everybody in this community, you
have helped me in such a big way.
My world used to be a rollercoaster ride. GYE
has changed that by giving me the skills and the
support that have enabled me to go clean.
My Y'H' is trying a new tactic, to convince me
that I am "cured", and tried to tell me it
wasn't so bad, but I must not forget that I used
to abuse myself daily, that I used to push
people away that stole my alone time. I was
living inside a box. I was destroying myself.
I still battle with images inside my head and
with some fantasies, but something that really
works for me is "Alert, Avert, Affirm" (see "The
3 Second Rule" in Chizuk e-mail #637 on
this page). Distance and Distraction are
great tools too.
I feel like new person - I have emotions I never
used before, my heart is open like it never was
before.
A big motivator for me has been my wife. If it
wasn't for her, I don't think I would have had
any reason to go clean.
For those of you that aren't married, you
can have the same motivator. Your wife is
out there, you just haven't met her yet. You
can start loving her neshamah and doing
things for her, even if you haven't seen her
face yet. This will bring you together more
than anything else ever can
(especially in honor of Tu be'Av today!)
Thank you Hashem, my wife and everyone in
this group. I hope I never let you down.
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Tip of the
Day
Anonymous & Free Phone Calls
Sent to us by "BecomeHoly"
If you just joined
Duvid Chaim's group (which started a new
cycle today) and are looking for free
long-distance calls within the U.S, or if you
want to chat with a fellow struggling member but
are afraid that your phone number may be
identified, or even if you simply don't have a
private line to speak on, 'Google Voice' can
solve all your problems!
1) Google
provides a FREE and ANONYMOUS phone #. This
number can be forwarded to ANYWHERE IN THE US
and can be forwarded simultaneously to up to 4
numbers.
2) Google
allows you to call anywhere in the US for FREE
as follows:
a) If you
have free local calling, you can call your
Google Voice # and then use it as a calling card
to call anywhere in the US for free.
b) If you
only have free incoming calls, you can logon to
your Google Voice account, and then put in the #
you wish to reach. Google will then call YOU
first, and then call the person you wish to
reach. This means you will always be receiving
incoming calls.
3) If you
need a private line, Google Voice can be
forwarded to computer phones. Both http://sipgate.com and http://whistlephone.com provide
free computer phones that Google can forward to.
All you need is a microphone and headphones (or
a headset - I like
this one) and you will have a private line
to use.
To sign up for Google Voice visit http://voice.google.com
If you need any help setting this up, feel free
to get in touch with
becomeholy@gmail.com for more
information.
Enjoy :-)
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Daily Dose of Dov
Dov is sober in SA for over 13 years. See his
story
here.
The Inner Wiring of an Addict
Someone asks Dov:
I am trying to understand the
psychological factors in sexual acting out. I
am, as far as I am aware, a popular, respected
and emotionally balanced person. I
grew up in an emotionally stable home and
environment, and I cannot recall anything
specific which might have affected me
negatively.
There does not seem to be any "deep" cause for
an addiction, nor do I do such terrible things.
I mean, don't all sexually healthy men "enjoy"
looking at women, and have "pleasure" from
masturbation? So why am I different? Why do I
have to accept that I am sick and that I am an
addict? Won't I be able to learn to control this
at some point?
Dov Responds:
I believe that we cannot think ourselves
into right living -
we can only live ourselves
into right thinking. Therefore,
I put very little
value on your figuring out why you - an
intelligent, generally mature and good-hearted
frum man - do some stupid, immature, and
amazingly self-absorbed selfish things...
and
repeatedly...
and apparently cannot stop. Wrapping my head
around my problem is the first poison and the
most ridiculous 'lock on the door to integrity'
that I have ever knew. So I got rid of it, by
surrendering to the reality that I - a
masters-educated and 6th-year+ beis medrash guy
(and father of three) - had indispensable lessons
to learn from a man who probably couldn't read the
NY Times and has what I consider a primitive
understanding of G-d... but is SOBER and in
recovery.
The years I
spent reading article after article in Jewish
Psych Journals (etc) about "The Yetzer Hora and
Freud's Id" and rummaging through teshuvos about
sexual hashkofah and learning the Yesod Yosef
(as the kitzur suggests) - all to try to package
my problem in a sensible (and perhaps
controllable) package... availed me nothing but
more years of acting out my lust, and more
damage and lying. It sounds to me that this is
basically what is behind your question.
Has it helped you stop,
at all? If not, I'd consider setting your brain
aside and just
following directions of
those who came before you to sobriety. If it
has, then why are you asking?
I, too, came from a home with two happily
married parents who loved me and did all they
could for me, didn't molest me, gave me good
schooling, and am a generally popular and
functional guy. So?
I 'found myself' doing things in a progressively
damaging, cyclical and reliable pattern. I had a
habit that forced me to hide and lie and
eventually there were many things that I was
sure I'd take to the grave. Things I'd done that
my kids (and wife) would never believe I had
done. No, I had not gone
to prostitutes... but imagine the shock at
having my kids actually watch a video of me,
with my wide-eyed, hand-shaking sneakiness as I
open the 'People Magazine' or Newspaper at work,
peruse it for the target story or images,
eventually to sneak into the bathroom
nonchalantly - trying to hide my heated
anticipation - and masturbate to the fantasies
in my mind... the totally self-absorbed and
childlike excitement... imagine them watching me
do all that and really know it
all... the look on my face all the way through,
and the lying as I cover up my tracks. Talk
about g'neivas da'as.
Is this 'normal'? Perhaps. But do I hate
it? Yes. That is all that matters. Why am I
doing things that I hate?
I guess it is because they make me feel so good.
But, then why do I keep doing them even though
they make me feel so miserable that I cry about
it sometimes and eventually come to a place like
GYE - or in my case, to a room full of
recovering perverts in SA? My acting out would
always bother me terribly - but quitting was always temporary.
The point I am trying to make is that just
because there is no apparent severe abnormality
in my background nor in my psyche, I can still
be a real screwball. OK, there are many addicts
with rough backgrounds... true. But I have
discovered that it is not the outward things we
experienced that made us as sick as we are - it
is the inner response we perceived that did the
job our parents could not do. They
did not make us sick - we did.
Our nature did.
There are probably as many addicts who have
brothers who are addicts, as there are who have
brothers who are not addicts... same parents.
Rabbonim who have six kids who are awesome
("next gedolim!") - and then there is that one
son who smokes, gets arrested a few times, and
is mechalel Shabbos r"l... What do we say? "They
grew up in a horrible home"? I don't buy that. I do buy
that this child had inner
wiring that interpreted stuff
in a way that made life hurt too much.
Frumkeit, as beautiful as it is - just could not
patch up our pain, or confusion, or fear. It was
no match for fantasy-enriched orgasm in my case
- and apparently in yours, as well.
So what do we do now? Point to the all the
alcoholics who were beaten as children? My point
is that while we had a normal looking outer
life, inside, we were being beaten. Inside, we
interpreted things as being darker than they
really were - until the bright light of warm and
luscious fantasy blew it all away. And we were
hooked. It gave us something that Hashem did
not. Later, we discovered that our wives could
not give it to us either. Right? And we kept
doing it.
And we will keep on
doing it till the price gets too great to
afford.
I bless you that such a time will come speedily
and in our days. Why not set the cheshboinos
aside and consider the first step right
now? Im lo acshav - eimosai?
|
|
|
821. |
Tuesday ~ 16 Av,
5770 ~ July 27, 2010
|
|
In Today's Issue
-
Testimonial of
the Day:
Newfound Strength
Attitude Tip
of the Day: "There's a lot better stuff
going on elsewhere"
Daily Dose of
Dov: The more real with people, the more
real with G-d.
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Testimonial of the Day
Newfound Strength
"CantDoItAlone" wrote:
After years of struggles and frustrations, I
searched shmiras einayim online and found an
article on Aish and saw some guy referring to
GYE. I came to this site and was shocked. It hit
me that I am not a loser and I am not the only
one dealing with this. I immediately felt
liberated and felt like I could use everything I
learned in therapy because I can do it, and it's
not just me in this battle alone. Because of
that, I wanted to thank everyone here on this
website. You guys have given me a newfound
strength and I don't know how to thank you
enough. Hopefully, I will be able to hold on to
this feeling. I really don't know if I could
ever express enough gratitude for everyone here
being open and honest with who they are. It
really just changed my life. I wish I could help
you guys as much as you have helped me.
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Attitude Tip
of the Day
"There's a lot better stuff going on elsewhere"
"Shmiras" writes:
Guarding your eyes starts internally with
guarding your mind. Triggers only harm us if we
haven't trained our minds to do what we want.
Just as triggers trained us one way, we can
reprogram and train our minds to react in a
different way. Sometimes it doesn't seem that
complicated. Sure, seeing something sets you
off, but what the switch actually does is
for ME to decide. Personally, I'm going to
insist to my own brain that seeing someone
doesn't have to mean anything it to me. It's all
about perception. So there is a human being that
looks a certain way in front of me. Now what?
It's irrelevant to me. Am I going to react, keep
looking and/or let my mind get carried away? No.
I choose instead to be in charge, to turn to
Hashem, to focus on anything else, to not dwell
on it. Our brains don't know much besides for
what we tell it, and I'm telling mine that
there's a lot better stuff going on elsewhere.
And I'm not even kidding myself, it's absolutely
true.
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Daily Dose of Dov
Dov is sober in SA for over 13 years. See his
story
here.
The more real with people, the more real with
G-d.
Here is some communication that someone had with
Dov recently.
(VNBDI stands for "Very Nice, But Desperate
Individual")
VNBDI: I
need help
Dov: So do
I. What's the deal, chaver?
VNBDI: I
spent a lot of time on the internet, now I'm
home and am going crazy obsessed.
I can't imagine
why the guy with that pretty wife I looked at
before is not the luckiest guy in the world.
Dov: First
of all, we pay a price for what we ingest. This
is an important uncomfortable truth we all need
to accept, eventually. There is no escape from
paying some real (sometimes very heavy) price
for feeding the addiction. Sometimes it is the
scenes and images that we craved and replayed
for pleasure, but are now stuck replaying them
in our heads like mental vomit, even though we
do not want them any more because they are
getting in the way of what we really need to
accomplish to function and be useful; sometimes
the price is the hiding and lying that we carry
home with us - it separates us from those around
us and makes us also feel less than, too...
Whatever it is, you are now stuck - at least for
a while. They will eventually leach out of your
brain and the shame and internal isolation will
abate. But it hurts for a while.
Second, the
obsession is part of the disease. I am just
curious, in a friendly sort of way: do you
accept that you are just like an alcoholic in
this obsession thing? They obsess about getting
drunk... do you feel the same?
VNBDI: Yes,
by now I think I do accept it very much.
It's very, very painful, I can't imagine living
any longer without that skinny women...
I think I have come to accept step one,
realizing I am getting nowhere after all these
years.
Is it bad that the only part of the fellowship I
feel is really helping me is the reaching out to
others for help? It always seems to weaken the
obsession.
Even now, what I
thought a few minutes ago was inevitable acting
out, it seems like I may manage just because I
found the guts to IM you.
Dov: The
reaching out to others for help is (I think)
ALWAYS the ONLY part of the program that really
"works", in the beginning. It takes time to
develop any real integrity - integrity means the
inner ability to have some accountability to
YOURSELF. That self-accountability was worn down
and pulverized every time we snuck away to watch
porn and violate everything we know is wrong for
us and destructive to our trust and
relationships. So basically, our addictive
behavior has been ripping out our inner
integrity for years. It is time to have G-d
restore it to us. To get it back, it takes one
thing: Sharing with other real live people. So a
phone group is good, a real person is better -
in person, and hence the minhag of meetings for
addicts, etc.
VNBDI: Well,
I really appreciate your weakening my obsession
tonight. I feel guilty using you without being
able to return the favor.
Dov: When
have you ever returned the favor to Hashem after
using Him? I am in good company. Nobody can
really 'return the favor', and giving is its own
reward. Schar Mitzvah - mitvzah!
VNBDI: Can't
I just learn to reach out when I need it? Forget
everything else, this works so stick with it.
Dov: Agreed!
And I will reach out when I need it too! A touch
of humility feels nice!
VNBDI: It's
a serious question. Maybe I don't need steps,
character defects and everything else. I just
need a buddy whom I can call when I feel weak.
Dov: That's
fine. But the steps - at their lowest and most
pragmatic level - are here to solve a problem
you will have: All people die. No person can be
truly depended upon.
Al tivtechu
bindivim - b'ven odom sh'ein lo s'shuah...
etc.
VNBDI: Makes
sense, but I feel that reaching out to Hashem
doesn't helps me, I've cried my heart out to
him, didn't work.
Dov: You
will learn how to be open and honest with G-d by
practicing being open and honest with with
PEOPLE - you will learn how to trust G-d by
trusting PEOPLE... But eventually there will not
be people there for you - it is inevitable. You
will hide mentally or physically where people
cannot get to you, or will be in a place where
no one can come to help... you will then need
G-d. I understand that your crying to Hashem has
not helped in the past but I have a painful
suggestion to make about that.
VNBDI: Namely?
Dov: I
believe that the QUALITY of our emunah
(relationship with Hashem) is not as fine as we
think it is. We hide so much from PEOPLE, - yet
do not hide it from Hashem! We tell ourselves
that this is because He already knows it all and
is inside us, so there is no hiding... then we
go again and act out - hiding every little dirty
detail from people. C'mon.... this is a game,
and it is silly. Our honesty with Hashem will
finally become what it really needs to be ONLY
after we open up to people! People first - THEN
Hashem will start to have some REAL meaning to
us.
How does this sit
with you? Are you - have you been - open with
people about the dirt? I mean really open - in
person, not just on the virtual venue....
VNBDI: Not
really, it's the hardest part for me. I am
getting better, though, if that means
anything. It used to be everything, now I at
least can call someone or email someone.
Dov: That
is exactly my point. I know the torture of being
'found out'. Even in a group of perverts, I
still sometimes want to hide the truth about
what I want to do or have done. But it is shame
that spites myself and I need to get over it or
I will not get better.
So I encourage
you to keep plugging away and emailing whenever
you feel you are straying into dangerous
territory - eventually you will be able to call
someone on the phone. The more real the
openness gets with other people, the more
effective your prayers to Hashem will be.
VNBDI: I
accept that. I hope I can reach it. Thank you
very much. I will let you go now, hopefully I
will gain some serenity one day. Good night,
thanks again.
|
|
|
822. |
Wednesday ~ 17 Av,
5770 ~ July 28, 2010
|
|
In Today's Issue
-
Anecdote of
the Day: The
Tattoo of Addiction
-
Poem of the
Day: Two Tattoos
Article of the
Day: Same Snake, Different Package
Daily Dose of
Dov: The 12 Steps are All Teffilah
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Anecdote
of the Day
The Tattoo of Addiction
"LevTahor" wrote:
Recently, when I was in the mikveh, I noticed
another Yid, an ehrlich chasidishe married
fellow, who, to my great surprise, had tattoos
on his body, not something I would have ever
known in my encounters with him outside the
mikveh, clearly.
Now, I had known
this fellow was a baal-teshuva, but seeing the
tattoos sort of jolted me, but then I told
myself it's obvious he did this before he was
even frum, a tinok shenishba, and instead of
being stunned it was then I began to appreciate
the greatness of this fellow.....
It would seem
that the tattoos will always be there on his
body, though it has absolutely no bearing on him
now or who he is today. He doesn't need to feel
like he has to cover his entire body until the
actual immersion in the mikveh so no one will
see it, because he is confident and knows he was
a different person when he had that done, even
though to the physical eye it seems the tattoos
are very much part of him since they're on his
body.
I was thinking
this might apply to us. The aveiros and lusting
we have done will always be there in the
distance, the yetzer hara will not give up its
struggle to try and get us to resume these
aveiros, so in that sense they are always
"there", though we know they too do NOT define
us even remotely, for in our essence, we have a
Godly soul, a cheilek Eloka! We were different
people when we did that stuff, because that's
not really us.
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Poem of
the Day
Two Tattoos
A True Story
By Bardichev
A EHRLICHER BUCHIR A BAAL TESHUVAH
WENT TO THE
MIKVAH EREV YOM KIPPUR
HIS TATTOOS HE
TRIED TO CONCEAL
UNDER HIS TOWEL
NOT TO REVEAL
AS HE APPROCHED
THE MIKVA HIS TOWEL FELL
HE WANTED TO HIDE
LIKE A TURTLE IN HIS SHELL
HE COLDN'T MOVE,
FROZEN FROM SHAME
TO HIS RESCUE AN
OLD MAN CAME
MY DEAREST
YIDDELE DON'T WORRY
I HAVE A SIMILAR
STORY
WE SHARE A
SOMETHING, MINE OLD YOURS NEW
MY HAND IS
BRANDED WITH A TATTOO
MY TATTOO IS A
SIGN
SO IS YOURS JUST
LIKE MINE
THE ONLY ONE THAT
CAN WASH IT AWAY
IS HASHEM, TO
WHOM TO WE PRAY
SO DON'T BE SAD
BECAUSE OF YOUR TATOO
IT WILL BRING TO
"LIFNEI HASHEM TITHARU"
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Article of
the Day
Same Snake, Different Package
Click here
For
a cute article about today's nisyonos of the
internet, from Bina Magazine
a high quality, popular magazine aimed at frum
women.
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Daily Dose of Dov
Dov is sober in SA for over 13 years. See his
story
here.
The 12 Steps are all Teffilah
Someone asks Dov:
I had a question. What do you think about
tefillah? Where does asking Hashem to cure us
come in to the process of recovery? I
assume you would still say that we should
do/need the 12 steps... But why isn't Torah and
tefilla and remorse good enough?
Dov Replies:
There is nothing
else in the 12 steps but tefillah.
The work of the 1st step is one thing: Do I need G-d,
or not? If I do, then it means that I cannot
make it without Him - period.
1. We admitted we were powerless over lust--that
our lives had become unmanageable.
If that is where really believe I am, then the
question now becomes: If I have been unable to
beat this problem and only a Power Greater than
myself could have ever helped me, then
why have I been going it alone for all these
years even
though I needed Him!? Is there another Higher
Power in my life? Have I been trying to use
something else (like Lust, or my dependent
relationships) as my ineffective Higher Power?
There must have been some kind of blockage or
trick... So the 2nd step is doing whatever I
need to do in order to make that relationship a real one,
for a change.
2. We came to believe that a Power greater than
ourselves could restore us to sanity.
Obviously if I have been a frum yid - and yet still had
this problem - my relationship with G-d was not
really as real as I thought it was. It must have
been sorely lacking (all the crying and Teshuvah
notwithstanding)... Something big and basic must
have been missing.
So the 2nd step
is actually the ikkar mitzvah of the first two
dibros (of the aseres hadibros) themselves and
nothing less. In fact, it may be the only real
shot most of us may ever get at getting real
emunah, i.e. an emunah that actually
works.
A belief in
G-d may be adequate for normal people - but it
is not nearly enough for an addict. I need to
live with my very own G-d, Who I can use on
a regular basis in real life. A "living"
G-d rather than just One in a book... even
'just' in the Torah.
So I ask you:
exactly what is the
nature of tefillah without real
emunah in my life?
To me, the entire
mitzvah of tefillah swings on Who you are
talking to - how real the communication is.
Anyone can say the words. If I say an al
hamichya,
for example, while nodding to someone else in
response to a question, or while fiddling with
my sefer... am I acting like
I am talking to someone? I don't think so.
Now I'm not saying we need 100% pure emunah in
order to be a good yid. Rather, I think that
Yiddishkeit has all these brachos and tefillos
through the day so that we will have a shot at
practicing creating a relationship with Hashem.
The relationship is not the prerequisite for
tefillah - it is the result of
it. Let's not squander the tool given to us now.
The third step is practicing having a
partnership with Hashem in which He is in charge
of all outcomes and we are his agents... and
having fun with it, too.
3. We made a decision to turn our will and our
lives over to the care of God as we understood
Him.
To be a partner,
we need to ask Him for His guidance every day -
and many times each day... The way we live has
to be an open and living relationship with Him,
and for me, that means talking to Him very
frequently.
Then we get to the fourth step, and without
getting into it all now, that will mean a good
bit of asking Him for help to do the work
correctly.
4. We made a searching and fearless moral
inventory of ourselves.
And the asking for help keeps continuing and
getting more and more natural...
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823. |
Thursday ~ 18 Av,
5770 ~ July 29, 2010
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In Today's Issue
-
Announcement
1: Zeva's
Group Starting New Cycle
-
Announcement
2: The New and Improved GYE Handbook
Sayings of the
Day: The A.A. Paradoxes
Daily Dose of
Dov 1: That's What Addicts
Do
Daily Dose of
Dov 2: With Hashem, the hopeless can
succeed too!
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Announcement 1
Zeva Citronnenbaum's Group
Starting New Cycle in August
Click here for more info on Zeva's Group
Yehudah writes:
If you're a regular at "Guard Your Eyes" then
you probably enjoy the chizuk that is given on a
daily basis. A big part of this is
the opportunity to connect to others who are in
the same plight as yourself. Feeling understood
is a part of any therapeutic process.
Fortunately, there is another option for those
who don't just want to feel understood, but also
work on skills that will actually empower them
to fight the great disease of addition. I have
gone through more then 2 cycles with Zeva's
group now. She is an expert in the field of
sexual additions and understands the
underlying factors that bring someone to become
an addict. Anyone who is serious about
helping themselves should commit once a week to
her group for one hour. Very practical skills
are learned which can help you deal with other
areas in life besides addition. For example,
relationship skills (through the works of
Patrick Carnes and DBT skills) are a big
part of helping someone back into recovery.
There is really nothing to lose. For a nominal
$20 x10 fee you can be on your way back to
recovery.
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Announcement 2
The New and Improved GYE Handbook
In preparation for our talk on behalf of Torah
Umesorah before
the Gedolim, we combined our two handbooks
into one and made many important edits and
additions. We encourage everyone to download the
new and improved "Guard Your Eyes" Handbook.
Click here to
download
(Right-Click and choose"Save Target/Link As")
"The GYE Handbook is to religious lust addicts
what the Big Book is to alcoholics"
- Ahron
You can print out the handbook and read it at
your leisure. If reading the whole handbook
seems too daunting a task, sign up to our "GYE
Handbook" Chizuk e-mail, where you'll receive a
short excerpt from the handbook each day! (To
sign up, press "update profile/e-mail address"
at the bottom of this e-mail)
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Sayings of the
Day
The A.A Paradoxes
-
From weakness comes strength.
- We give it away to keep it.
- We suffer to get well.
- We surrender to win.
- We die to live.
- From darkness comes light.
- From dependence we found independence.
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Daily Dose of Dov
Dov is sober in SA for over 13 years. See his
story
here.
Dov talks about the first step:
"We
admitted we were powerless over lust--that our
lives had become unmanageable."
That's What Addicts
Do
I may have walked away from juicy situations a
few times, but the basic and inescapable fact
for me is that I have a pattern and it spirals
downward. Nothing I have done has arrested it.
Looking at my case in a clear way, reminds me
how ridiculous it is for me to expect that "I'll
do better now - with the knowledge I have gained
here, or there..." The steamroller will eventually
come by and my butt will be vegetation again....
The nuance of the
1st step written and shared, is that it brings
some people to the conclusion that there is no
evidence that they will
ever "get better". Even given more time and more
effort. For me - I'm not speaking for you - the
idea that "I should have not abused my sexuality
so," might not be as relevant as the fact that
it was done, "again and again". When I ask
myself "how is it possible that I could do that?,"
or, "what's wrong with me that I feel I gotta
have/do that?"
The answer I am comfortable giving myself
eventually became, "because I am an addict, and
that is what addicts do." In fact, it is the
most valuable response. The deep stuff is nice,
but never got me free. Accepting the fact that I
lost against lust allows me to finally really
get dependent on G-d for a change - it changes
the playing field so I get out of His way.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
With Hashem, the hopeless can succeed too!
A fellow working his 1st step wrote Dov:
I already did the whole writing. It is beautiful
and very sick. I now know I am a hopeless case.
Dov Responds:
This is what they really mean when
they say, "Hashem is kol yochol and can help you
do anything." This is what bitachon was made for.
The message we used to get from "Hashem will
help you fight the YH," was "I should be able to
stop cuz I am a frum yid and want to stop!" Then
we screamed, "so, why isn't it working?!"
The problem was that it was too early for the
bitachon! That was a time for mesiras
nefesh, rather than for bitachon. (Ask Haran
who jumped into the fire after Avraham and got
burnt, he'll tell you all about misplaced 'bitachon
in' Hashem and will admit that it is really just
an escape from facing the truth about
ourselves... he died for it).
Now is finally your time for bitachon.
And all the recovering people who have come
before you testify that, "just because we are
hopeless, does not mean that we cannot succeed!
In fact, as long as we know and do not forget
where the power really comes from, we can
and will live fantastic lives!" Just see
it through. We can get our sanity back.
Apparently we cannot keep it, though. We need to
get it back from Him every day as a gift,
dependent on our relationship with Him. People
all over the place are getting His help.
Consider reading the second step and consider
the possibility that "He can help me out as long
as I don't put my trust in the wrong places
intentionally."
We've got a problem. But there is a solution.
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824. |
Friday ~ 19 Av,
5770 ~ July 30, 2010
Erev Shabbos Parshas Eikev
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In Today's Issue
-
Parsha Talk 1
- Eikev:
Dependent on Him More than the Animals
-
Parsha Talk 2
- Eikev: Are you with
Me or
with Her?
Tips of the
Day: Sober for over a year
Daily Dose of
Dov: How
much more are you willing to take?
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Parsha Talk 1: Eikev
Dependent on Him More than the Animals
"V'nashal Hasem Elokecha ess hagoyim ha'el m'at
m'at, lo suchal kalosam maheir pen tirbeh
alechah chayas hasadeh. (7:22)
- And Hashem will wipe out the goyim from before
you slowly but surely, but you cannot destroy
them quickly, lest the animals of the field
increase upon thee".
I always wondered about this. After all, if
Hashem can bring the 10 plagues on Egypt and
split the sea, why can't he wipe out the goyim
in Eretz Yisrael in one fell swoop? Is Hashem
really worried about the increase of the
animals? Is that something harder to deal with
then getting rid of these great nations?
It occurred to me that maybe there is a far
deeper meaning here. All the creations of the
world have a connection to Hashem based on their
needs. The more someone "needs" Hashem, the more
connection they have with him. Hashem told the
snake after the sin of the Etz
Hada'as "and
you shall eat the dust of the earth all the days
of your life", and Rashi explains that Hashem
wanted no connection with the snake and
therefore gave him his food wherever he goes.
However, the other animals of the field need to
ask Hashem for food every day, as it says in
Tehillim "Livakesh
Mikel Ochlam" - "they ask from
Hashem their food".
Now Hashem wanted human beings to have even more
connection with him than the animals, and
therefore humans don't have a natural way to get
food like the animals do, but rather are
dependant on owning land, toiling the soil,
rainfall, and on a good crop and harvest. In
last week's Parsha, one of the praises mentioned
of Eretz Yisrael is "Limtar
Hashamayim Tishteh Mayim" - "From
the heavens you will drink water",
and the Pasuk goes on to say - "not like Eretz
Mitzrayim which drinks like a watered garden
from the Nile". But why is that a praise? It
would seem that Mitzrayim is more fortunate than
Israel! The answer is that Hashem wants more of
a connection with us than he wants with the
Egyptiams. To them he gave them the Nile river
so that they don't need rain fall at all and
don't need Hashem at all. However, Eretz Yisrael
drinks from the heavens, and like it says; "the
eyes of Hashem are on the land [of Israel] from
the beginning of the year until the end". Eretz
Yisrael needs special divine intervention for
water, and the praise of this is that the Jewish
people living there are always dependant on
Hashem for rainfall and therefore remain
strongly connected with him. After all, like it
says in last weeks Parsha, "and
you will receive buildings that you didn't
build, wells which you didn't dig, vineyards
that you didn't plant, etc..." and
the Yidden will have everything they need in
Eretz Yisrael. If they weren't dependant on
Hashem at least for rainfall, they would no
longer need him and quickly forget him.
The same applies with our enemies. And that is
why it says in this weeks Parsha that although
Hashem will wipe out the goyim from before us
slowly but surely, still, he will not destroy
them fast - "lest the animals of the field
increase upon thee". What this perhaps means is,
that if Hashem would wipe out our enemies all at
once, we would no longer feel a need to depend
on him. The words "lest the animals of the field
increase upon thee" mean to hint perhaps,
that if Hashem would destroy our enemies fast
then even the animals of the field would
"increase" over us, meaning that the
animals would have even more of a connection
with Hashem than we would.
And that is why Hashem has given us the Yetzer
Hara as well. He
wants a connection with us! He
wants us to know that we need him, and that
without his constant help, we are lost. And that
is also why Hashem doesn't destroy the Yetzer
Hara in one fell swoop once a person decides to
do Teshuvah. Instead, each time we think we got
rid of him, he keeps coming back again and
again. Only "slowly but surely" does Hashem wipe
him out from before us. For if Hashem would
get rid of the Yetzer Hara all at once, we
wouldn't need him any more and we wouldn't feel
dependant on him. And this "connection" that we
have to Hashem through our struggles with the Yetzer
Hara, is
even more important to Hashem than
the falls that we have as a result of Him
not removing the Yetzer Hara altogether as soon
as we want to do Teshuvah.
To sum it all up: The
most important thing to Hashem is not our
progress in destroying the Yetzer Hara, but
rather our
dependency on him, and our
constant knowledge that we need Hashem every day
anew to help us break free of our #1 enemy.
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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Parsha Talk 2: Eikev
Are you with Me
of with Her?
By Honestmouse
'lema'an anoischo lenasoischo loda'as es asher
bilvovcho lishmor mitsvoisov im loi'
' (8:2) ...in
order to afflict you so as to test you, to know
what is in your heart, whether you would observe
His commandments or not'.
Hashem's tests in
the midbar where in order to test klal yisroel,
to bring out what was truly in their heart.
Unfortunately, nowadays, in so many areas of
avodas Hashem, so many of us are lacking in
sincerity, out heart is not in the right place
even if we are doing the right thing, it could
be chesed or davening etc...
Hashem's nisyonos
for us are to test what's really in our heart,
is it true and genuine or is it only lip
service. Instead of needing afflictions to bring
out our deepest, genuine desires for good, if we
would only fill our hearts with good and train
ourselves to genuinely try to connect to Hashem
and do His will all the time - even on a desert
island - it would already be obvious where our
hearts lay and we wouldn't need wake up calls
all the time.
Perhaps every
time we see a trigger, Hashem is asking us 'are
you with Me, or are you with her?' If we would
live with Him all the time, perhaps we wouldn't
need to be asked this question...
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Tips of the Day
Sober for over a year
By "Jooboy"
I have been sexually sober for over a year and
have not purposely viewed pornography of any
kind in over something like 7 months. The usual
progression for me usually starts on the street
and goes to internet news sites, which then goes
to lust type of news, and from there it's a
pretty quick trip to the real garbage and
emotional and spiritual devastation. Not a
pretty sight.
Eventually I saw
how powerless I was over this cycle and joined
SA which has been the most transforming
emotional experience of my life. Having a
fellowship of friends to turn to for support
when the going gets rough is invaluable.
Although my wife
and I are currently doing very well in our
marriage, boruch Hashem, she feels that she
currently needs space in the area of sex and it
is very challenging for me.
What has helped
me not only get through this, but grow in the
process, is:
1) Journaling my
feelings as needed, sometimes daily basis.
2) Meditation for
at least 5-10 minutes in the morning.
3) Prayer - for
freedom from lust, humility to accept God's will
as expressed through those around me, especially
my wife and children.
4) Surrender of
any expectation of sex - EVER. Of course I
don't really think this will last forever, I
know that is not what my wife wants. But for
myself, I have to be OK without it.
5) Vigilant
custody of my eyes on the street. I have taken
to removing my glasses when walking about NYC
where there is really a lot of flesh on display
all the time - it is working wonders.
6) Reading and
re-reading and re-reading again the book "The
Garden of Peace" - AMAZING!!! This book has
been a real game changer for me. You can get it
from Feldheim Publishers and I would strongly
encourage you to read it.
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Daily Dose of Dov
Dov is sober in SA for over 13 years. See his
story
here.
How much more are you willing to take?
Someone wrote:
I don't care about my life. I just fell hard
again. I could have called out for help......I
CHOSE to fall all the way because it feels much
better. If you're gonna fall, might as well fall
all the way..... I give him so many chances and
he takes the stupidest choice. What a dumb
human..... I assure you, that of anyone on the
forum, I am probably THE MOST MESSED UP..... Get
a life! Geta life! Getalife! Getalife - you
stupid idiot. Stop worshipping your pen**. I am
dead.
Dov Responds:
That was beautiful, and, of course, I can't say
I actually have pity for you, for I have been
there by my own
hand, as well.
"Chose
to fall"?
I seriously doubt you there. But hey - I can
afford to be brutally honest with you now
because with such self-loathing how could I
possibly insult you? Hah.
Should you
actually muster up all his "courage" and
"strength" not to fall, I venture to ask: "would
you still fall flat on your face, eventually?"
Is this a negative attitude? I think not. I was
convinced that I was
the worst of the worst, too - but have a great
life now, nonetheless. The hopelessness of
finding real help was nonsense. So in my own
case, the whole self-pity thing is pure BS. It's
just another way we try to protect our right
to keep acting out with lust -
"we can't do any better cuz we suck"... it's a
lie. With help, we can. On the condition that we
give up insisting that we need
to be the one's doing it. The folks who totally
misunderstand the "I'm powerless over
lust/alcohol/whatever" idea, totally miss the
point and think that such an admission boils
down to a "heter". Actually, it's quite the
opposite, and in their hearts I believe they are
just too chicken to accept that a
real way out
actually exists!
The idea of actually saying goodbye to this crap
scares the hell out of them. I know because it
happened to me. A gripping fear of missing out
on finally getting my lust fulfillment was
always under my skin....
So, if you really
feel that badly about yourself and about
"worshiping your penis", if you really are disgusted
by the person you think you see in the mirror,
then I'd say, "Hey - might as well give up on
your ego and "self-respect"
all the way (as I had
to) and meet with other penis-temple drop-outs - who don't act
out anymore!
Instead of just saying it, actually treat yourself
as "THE MOST MESSED UP" around, and get your
butt to a meeting - or whatever else you believe
might help. That is, unless you really can hate
yourself a bit more. In that case, take your
sweet time! I did!
If you really
think you are worse than the rest of us on the forum,
then I say forgo the ego-protection of
virtuality on the forum -
and go to either an SA meeting nearest you, or
whatever other help your heart tells you is out
there, today. Throw away the fear and the
squeamish shame that may have been holding you
back from your medicine. Whatever recovery tool
you are protecting yourself from, it's high time
you gave
up and
got to it, man. How much more are you willing to
take?
Love,
Dov
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825. |
Sunday ~ 21 Av,
5770 ~ August 1, 2010
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In Today's Issue
-
Testimonial of
the Day:
Bringing Out the Good in Past Sins
-
Quote of the
Day: Free Choice
-
Sayings of the
Day: From A.A
Daily Dose of
Dov: Natural Consequences Teach Best
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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Testimonial of the Day
Bringing Out the Good in Past Sins
By "Holy Yid"
Today is the first anniversary of my joining
this site. It truly has been of the most
dramatic years of my life. I have changed how I
look at this struggle, how I look at myself and
how I act. I now know that I am not a monster or
a terrible person, rather I am a normal healthy
good Jew who got caught in something I did not
know how to deal with. Maybe if I would have had
the proper hadracha I
would not be here, but there is another way to
look at this. There is a concept in Chasidus that
Hashem, in His Infinite Wisdom, causes all sins
to happen, and we, those who sinned unwillingly -
so to speak (this idea is very
kabbalistic and Rav Dessler warns about not
letting Kabbalistic teachings weaken our fear of
sin), are supposed to use them as a vehicle to
better ourselves. When we use them as a source
of motivation to improve ourselves, in that area
and in general, we have brought out the good in
the sin, and the Divine Intention in causing us
to sin is revealed. Now that sin is a source of
merit for us, for it was an impetus in our
growth, and we are better people.
With this thought in mind, I can say I have
started to reveal the Divine Intention in my
years of sinning. They were the groundwork for
me to improve as a person and really learn about
and live a life of kedusha. I have also had the
chance to have a very minor part in spreading
the message of this site, the hope, redemption
and meaning that is possible. It is possible
that my pain and sins where intended to enable
me to help others avoid this path and make the
world a holier place.
Thank you Guard and all the others, who have
helped me till here and will help in the future.
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Quote of
the Day
Free Choice
Quote from SA,
White Book, page 26
I see now that in all my religious striving and
psychotherapy I was waiting for the miracle to
happen first, that I should somehow be zapped or
"fixed," unable ever to fall or be tempted
again. I thought that if a person just had the
right religious belief, he was automatically "a
new creature; old things are passed away;
behold, all things are become new." That all
thought of lust would be removed, much as a
tumor would be excised by a surgeon. The
"religious solution" was one of the subtlest
strategies in my arsenal of denial.
I didn't realize that the essence of being human
is to have free choice. God doesn't want to
remove from me the possibility of falling; he
wants me to have the freedom to choose not to
fall. I'd been praying self-righteously all
along, "Please God, take it away!" not realizing
my inner heart was piteously whining, ". . . so
I won't have to give it up." There was belief in
God without surrender. That belief availed
nothing! I had never died to lust.
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Sayings of the Day
From A.A
A winner is a loser who keeps trying.
I don't always
know what God's will is for me, but I always
know what it's not.
God loves you and
there's nothing you can do about it.
If God is your
co-pilot, switch seats.
Don't go in your
head alone. It's a dangerous neighborhood.
An ounce of
prevention is worth a gallon of relapse.
My disease is
doing pushups, getting stronger--just waiting
for me to slip.
My best thinking
got me here.
You can't speed
up your recovery, but you sure can slow it down.
It don`t matter
how your jackass got in a ditch, just get him
out.
Don't act out
between breaths.
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Daily Dose of Dov
Dov is sober in SA for over 13 years. See his
story
here.
Natural Consequences
Teach
Best
If it were only masturbation (including the
issur, spiritual/mental/interpersonal damage
that it causes and its onesh as I understand
them all in my heart) that I considered my big
problem,
I doubt I'd have ever stopped. I went on with it
for years and cried my eyes out, ripped my ego
to shreds with guilt and shame, fasted, mikvah'd
and tikkun'd my brains out - all the while
hiding and carefully guarding my dirty secret. I
never actually gave it up and did what I really
needed to stay quit until the problem became
much more to me than "just" losing my olam haba,
"more" than going to gehinnom, and "more" than
being tied in a knot with fire burning at both
its ends. Apparently, I had to come to see that
I couldn't continue one more step in my double
life, or I'd lose my G-d, my morality, and my
entire world as I knew it. I liken myself in
this prat to Iyov, who R"l lost all his kids,
estate and stuff, but never cracked - that is,
until he got
tzora'as. The meforshim explain that when it
finally touched his very body -
what he identified with at the deepest personal
level, he couldn't take it any more.
Am I saying I had
no emunah? That I really didn't take the onashim
warned of in chazal seriously, etc..? Perhaps
yes. I do not really know - nor do I care.
Perhaps if I really believed it all b'chush,
it'd worked more in my heart to stop me.
But the pain of the lusting lifestyle is what
stopped me - not the
aveiro.
And I am not
alone: When the great Tanna RYB"Z (I think) was
dying, he advised his students to learn how to
have an awareness of Hashem's presence that is
as powerful as the simple presence of a man in
the room with them. They said, "That's it?". He
answered:, "ummmm. Hellooo! Hal'vai they should
be the same for (you) people!" (cynical
dramatization added by me!) Now, perhaps I
totally misinterpret this story and surely there
is some m'forash that takes it out of the
apparent p'shat. But it seems valid and plain to
me. I actually expected myself to be greater in
simple emunah than these great people! What
unbridled ga'avah. In fact, it seems that my
very pride itself was always my worst enemy: It
always told me that I could really stop (a lie),
and that I was therefore a loser for ever
failing!
Back to my point: In general, in my emotions -
my heart - my reality - the seriousness of
aveiros, per se', simply does not even come close to
the shame of actually being caught or paying
in an immediate way for
a mistake. And takanos and k'nasos are
artificial, BTW. Natural consequences teach.
I am not
interested in whether this is a
shanda -
only in the functional truth. We need honesty.
I am sober today
as a result of this derech, it seems, and my
life (and family members' lives) has been
improving in ways I'd never have even wished
for, in every respect.
I have far to go, but every year is definitely
far better than one before, which is kind of
bizarre given what kind of goofball I am.
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826. |
Monday ~ 22 Av,
5770 ~ August 2, 2010
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In Today's Issue
-
Attitude Tip
of the Day: "I
did not create me"
-
Torah Tip of
the Day: Without the waters of Torah, we
can't put out the fire.
Battle
Communication:
Progress, not
Perfection
Sayings of the
Day:
From the 12-Step groups
Daily Dose of
Dov: Getting Busy with Living
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Attitude
Tip of the Day
"I did not create me"
By "TrueRatzon"
Today I thought of an important yesod. After a
fall we get self critical and say, "yes we try
hard but ultimately we aren't really so good. We
end up giving in too easily and don't fight like
other tzadikim fight."
These are words that seem to ring true but they
are the words of the Satan. How do I know these
are the words of the Satan? First of all
because Rabbi Shafier from the Shmuz.com says
so, (listen to
this 5 minute
clip), but secondly, because when we
tell ourselves that we are simply poor ovdei
Hashem, at that moment we lose almost all desire
to serve Hashem. We feel that "because I'm on a
low level it doesn't even pay to fight and I
won't amount to anything or grow at all".
The message of today is, "I did not create me.
I did not ask to be born in this taiva filled
generation, and I did not ask to be given these
desires. But Hashem designed my life to be
placed here in this generation with a strong set
of desires, and Hashem wants to see me struggle
and progress through each nisayon. I'm going to
win some and lose some but I'm going to get back
in the ring and keep fighting the tide with all
my koach!"
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Torah Tip
of the Day
Without the waters of Torah,
we can't put out the fire.
By "Kedusha"
Recently, Mishnah Yomis began a new cycle,
starting with Maseches Berachos. Mishnah Yomis
involves learning 2 Mishnayos per day, and
finishes Shisha Sidrei Mishnah in about 6
years.
On Sunday, August 1 (21 Menachem Av), Mishnah
Yomis completed Maseches Berachos, and learned
the first Mishnah of Maseches Peah.
I highly recommend learning Mishnah Yomis as a
relatively easy way to gain Yedios in Kol
HaTorah Kulah. This is certainly true for those
of us who don't learn Daf Yomi. Even for those
who do, Mishnah Yomis covers the Masechtos that
Daf Yomi does not, allows for the fast
acquisition of Yedios, and encourages the
participant as he finishes one Maseches after
another with a relatively small investment of
time. What a self esteem booster!
Chazal, on the Pasuk "Mei'Asher Shemeina Lachmo"
(Bereishis 49, 20) note that "Shemeina" has the
same letters as Neshama and Mishnah, and inform
us that Asher guards the gates of Gehinnom and
does not permit entry to anyone who regularly
learned Mishnayos. A nice side benefit
to participating in the Mishnah Yomis!
For those who would like to hear a free daily
Shiur, Rav Moshe Meir Weiss, Shlita, Mora d'Asra
of Agudath Israel of Staten Island, gives a very
clear and informative Shiur in Mishnah Yomis on
Kol HaLashon. Two Mishnayos per day takes only
about 15 minutes. You can hear the Shiur by
calling (718) 906-6400, and then choosing
options 1, 2, and 4. Besides for the
current day's Mishnah Yomis, you will also be
given the option to listen to archived Shiurim.
With the beginning of Maseches Peah, it's an
opportune time to begin learning Mishnah Yomis.
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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Battle
Communication
Progress Not Perfection
A Talmid of Duvid Chaim's group wrote yesterday
to Steve and Duvid Chaim:
After being clean for 112 days, I had a fall
today. I was white-knuckling to a degree, happy
to "make it through" each day.
Don't worry, no depression, I've already
turned the fall into an aliyah since I'm
already back on my feet just figuring out what
trigger I allowed into my life that let this
happen... My days have been alternating living a
life of recovery (good) and counting the days of
sobriety (not so good).
"Steve" who moderates the morning calls
responds:
Dear Chaver,
You are my Hero. The spirit of Recovery lives
within you! And as Duvid Chaim says, you gave
your "fall' meaning and purpose, got right back
up and and turned it into an Aliya! As we always
say, it's quality over quantity, progress not
perfection. And so you're not going back to
square one, you're simply hitting Day 113 one
day later!
The fact that we can fall means we're Human.
What we do right after that is the true measure
of our focus.
The fact that you can turn it around without
falling into depression and self pity means you
are an EVED HASHEM, and not a servant of your
own Ego.
I applaud you for your inspiring strength and
wisdom, your willingness to be a man and
succeed, and for your honesty in sharing this
with all of us.
CU tomorrow - keep moving FORWARD!!
Steve
Duvid Chaim Responds:
Chazal say, "Sheva Yipol Tzadik Ve'Kam...
Seven times a tzadik falls and gets up."
You are learning the "BIG 3" through this
process - Fearlessness, Honesty, Humility (Big
Book page 73)
And you will continue to be an inspiration to us
all.
Looking FORWARD
Duvid Chaim
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Sayings of
the Day
From the 12-Step Groups
We have a disease that tells us we don't
have a disease.
We have a living
problem, not a lusting problem.
If you don't want
to slip, stay away from slippery places.
Pain is the
touchstone of progress.
My daily sobriety
is contingent on my spiritual condition.
Yesterday is a
cancelled check, tomorrow is a promissory note,
only today is cash in the bank.
F.A.I.T.H.:
Fantastic Adventure in Trusting Him.
Sorrow shared is
halved; joy shared is doubled.
There is pain in
recovery. Misery is optional.
A treatment
center is where you go and pay $15,000 to find
out that S.A. meetings are free.
Please be
patient---God isn't finished with you yet.
My best friend
became my worst enemy.
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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Daily Dose of Dov
Dov is sober in SA for over 13 years. See his
story
here.
Getting Busy with Living
The goal of my recovery is not really
sobriety, if by "sobriety" we only mean "not
drinking/using schmutz/whatever". This is for
two reasons. One is that such an attitude is
shallow, and the second reason is that such a
perspective may not work, even
to stop the drinking/drugging/schmutzing!
The "12 Steps and
12 Traditions" of A.A has a statement like this:
"Some old timers have said, "If all there is to
sobriety is
not drinking,
then I'm not interested!" What Bill goes on to
explain, is that while drinking is what got our
attention and almost ruined our lives, AAs have
discovered something amazing. They found out
that their drinking was but a symptom of
their real problem,
which was a
basic spiritual unrest.
They found that out by staying sober and working
the steps until they found G-d. And they came to
know that what was wrong with them all along -
(and still lingers!) - is really a disconnect
from G-d and people.
The steps helped them reconnect. Then they saw
that had they stopped with "not drinking",
they'd have forever been ignorant of the real
issue (and
probably eventually have to drink again) and of
the greatest Treasure of a lifetime (which would
have been pathetic).
So there are a
few paradoxes here. Drinking (lusting) brings us
to find ourselves and G-d through recovery in
order to quit
and then we see
that drinking/lusting wasn't our problem to
begin with - our problem was/is forgetting
G-d!
Usually, it was because we were
sitting in His seat... hence the emphasis on
humility in the Program. (Remember Mesilas
Yesharim on Anivus and how it's like a 'strike'
in bowling - it hits a whole lot of pins
simultaneously, a shortcut.)
Staying free of
the temptations and not feeding the lust is
essential and hurts like crazy, especially early
on - but that's what we have friends for, and
through it, we learn to use G-d
to either take away the pain or at least help us
get through it. (Dodi li)
Before long, we
discover that thinking about beating lust is
actually as toxic as lusting itself! Making it
our life's work makes us think about lust
challenges even more! Besides, it shrinks and
perverts a true, broad avodas Hashem into a tiny
twisted pretzel. Yechh... Then somebody taps us
on the shoulder and suggests that we make our
focus "getting busy with living". And without
cheshboning and figuring everything out so much,
because: we can't think our
way into right living -
we can only live our
way into right thinking.
We begin to become concerned (hopefully not
neurotic, just concerned)
with being useful and thereby not giving lust
the time of day. Not fighting
it,
but perhaps sidestepping it,
at least most of the time. And never looking
back to see if that dog is still following us -
at least most of the time.
"SilentBattle" explains Dov:
I think that one of the things that Dov is
trying to say is that sometimes we get caught up
in the idea of battling these urges. So we grit
our teeth and don't give in, dig our fingers
into our palms, stare the yetzer hara in the
eye, and fight back. But eventually, we get
tired. And the y"h doesn't. And then we lose.
But it seems so dramatic, we're fighting for
what's right, no?
But what if we could accomplish what's right and
avoid the problem without the dramatic battle?
By just avoiding the whole issue, learning to
avoid situations when our Lust will have a
chance to rear its ugly head. So we won't have
the chance to stand on the ramparts and wave the
flag, we'll just calmly walk through life, doing
what we need to do, doing what Hashem wants.
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827. |
Tuesday ~ 23 Av,
5770 ~ August 3, 2010
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|
In Today's Issue
-
Testimonial of
the Day: It's
Not All or Nothing
-
Attitude Tip
of the Day: Some fries with your leg,
Sir?
Battle
Communication:
I Rely on G-d
Sayings of the
Day:
From the 12-Step groups
Daily Dose of
Dov: Don't get too Detailed with your
Wife
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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Testimonial of the Day
It's Not All or Nothing
"CleanIsrael" writes:
Getting to 90 days clean is a great feeling, and
I want to share what helped me.
I had started the 90 day chart in November 2009,
but I kept falling. I couldn't put my finger on
it, but I would go for a few weeks - and then
fall, a few weeks - then a fall.
Then I realized what I had to do, I had to not
make it an "all or nothing". I told myself, "you
can fall 3 times over the next 3 months. You can
do them whenever you want, but only three
times."
Needless to say, that's really what did it for
me - giving me that little bit of breathing
space created a world of difference for me. I
fell once in the first month, but because I
didn't have to go back to day one, that gave me
the boost to keep on going.
Before I started this, I would fall once and I
would think, "what the heck, I fell today, I
might as well do it a few more times before I
have to start over again tomorrow." Then I'd do
it 3-4 more times THAT DAY!
This way, I had an incentive to stop myself
after that first time, and that gave me the
strength to complete a full 90 days clean.
Whenever I had a pull, I'd say to myself "you
only have 2 more times to fall, why not save it
for some other time." And that was enough.
The one thing I can say to all those people
still struggling, is that it gets so much easier
after you hit day 30. I guess your brain's been
wired enough that you've built up enough
willpower to stop yourself.
The other thing I can say is that it is
absolutely essential to have a strong learning
seder - particularly of things you enjoy
learning. I learn Daf Yomi, and that gives me an
extra boost to just keep it all out of my mind
and make me stronger.
I also can't stress how much better my
relationship with my wife has become, now that I
see her as the only woman-really-in the
world.
May we all have the strength to keep our desires
where they belong; channeled towards our Avodas
Hashem!!
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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Attitude Tip
of the Day
Some fries with your leg, Sir?
"TrueRatzon" posted:
We need to develop a mindset that the way the
world dresses these days is not only
inappropriate, it's sub-human and unusually
weird.
Rabbi Bentzion
Shafier from theshmuz.com gives a mashal to
this. Imagine you're hiking in the woods and you
smell a nice aroma. You walk a little more and
you find Joe. He offers you a piece of meat and
you ask what kind of meat it is. Joe answers
"it's leg." And you say "leg of lamb?" He
replies "no, leg." You ask again, "leg of veal?"
Joe says no, "you know leg, like the two legs
you're standing on now. You gotta make sure to
get these legs when they're young and juicy,
mmmm good!"
Now, just as you
would never ever have a piece of Joe's mountain
meat because it is so far off and unusual, this
is the same attitude we should have when
developing an attitude to the mode of dress
today.
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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Battle Communication
I Rely on G-d
"Workingmyprogram" writes:
I have 41 days sober today. How do I do it? I
pray. I rely on G-d, always realizing that lust
is more powerful than me and it is only through
His strength that I can stay sober. I go
to lots of SA meetings. I have a sponsor who I
call almost every day. I call others in the
program. I do what my sponsor tells me to do. I
make a gratitude list almost every day of ten
things I am grateful for and I text it to my
sponsor (he asked me to do this). I pray. I have
a filter on my internet. I pray. Only when we
admit that it is too powerful for us to conquer
on our own will we get G-d's help. Thank you
Hashem.
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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Sayings of
the Day
From the 12-Step Groups
S.A. isn't a religion, we can't open the gates
of Heaven and let you in, but we can open the
gates of Hell and let you out.
I got sick and
tired of being sick and tired.
It's easy to talk
the talk, but you have to walk the walk.
Some people lust normally, and I normally lust.
Life starts when
you stop.
You have to give it away in order to keep
it.
Fake it till
you make it.
There's still
a monkey on my back. He's just sleeping.
He's real easy to wake up.
Fear alone
won't keep me sober, but for a newcomer,
it's not a bad place to start.
Don't let
unpleasant people rent space in your head.
Try it for 90
days, and if you don't like it, we'll gladly
refund your misery.
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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Daily Dose of Dov
Dov is sober in SA for over 13 years. See his
story
here.
Don't Get too Detailed with your Wife
"Honest Mouse" writes:
I had a long chat with my wife about stuff and
we grew a lot closer as a result. I realized
something, real love is SO much better than
lust!! Why do we even let it be a choice? It
doesn't even compare! There are some emotional
aspect to it all which I'm gonna discuss with my
therapist, and my wife is gonna help me work
through it.
Dov responds:
As I know absolutely nothing about the
relationship you have with your wife, I should
probably shut up. But as I am technically not talking
but writing,
here goes:
I found that the majority of the issues I had -
particularly around lust - were way out
of my wife's ability to truly comprehend. Oh,
she definitely loved me and definitely thought she
understood a bit about what must be vexing me,
but she was making a few big mistakes. Like,
that if I'd only be a really, really nice
guy and really, really love her, I'd
automatically be liberated from this garbage and
be drawn to her and her alone. She honestly
believed (or wanted to believe) that if I'd be
faced with a really, really nice
wife, I'd never "choose" to look to lust for
help! She never understood that my allegiance
and trust of lust never had anything to do with
her at all, ever. Just like my childhood
attachment to lust had nothing to do with her,
of course. She thought I was the clean slate for
her to paint a beautiful life on. Boy did I
disappoint her. And myself.
Nu. I'm not talking about guilt. Guilt never
helped me.
But I am just
asking you to consider focusing on working with
the shrink (or
any third party) rather than with her, particularly on
any inner emotional matter that affects your
relationship with her, and particularly with
respect to lust. I know this sounds crazy, cuz
"aren't we supposed to be fostering
communication and openness?" But it just didn't
succeed that way for my wife and I. Even though
the openness drew us closer at first, the fear
and pain she felt, and my unrealistic
expectation of understanding from her, always
ended-up driving us farther apart. After about a
year of my own sobriety, she began to notice
positive change in my general (sexual and nonsexual)
behavior. That seemed to give her the security
she needed in order to begin tolerating a
glimpse of my goofy inner maelstrom. Now I can -
and do - share just about everything with her.
Her steadfast love for you is not
in doubt!
But her femininity=total obliviousness to what
life is like with the very 'factory' for schar
aveiro (yup, that's what the pleasure of lust
is) and hefseid aveiro (it makes us depressed
and then we usually turn to it even
more!) built
right onto your
body 24/7! ...Now, that's just
beyond any woman I know
(except a shrink-type lady - unless
she happens to be your wife!).
Finally, I believe that being your wife, this
great lady is naturally dependent on your
attachment and faithfulness to
her in
order to define her very wife-ness. It can be
very frightening for a wife to actually begin to
understand that her husband who is holding her
right now, has a dark side. That he is not
guaranteed to be fully in control of his desires
for other women - be they in flesh, or even just
in photos or mental fantasies of them. I believe
that it is normal and healthy for a woman to
feel this way, and it shouldn't be otherwise.
Never lie to her about anything. But she truly
deserves the fruit
of your labors,
not necessarily your labors themselves!
So, sometimes
we get closer by giving each other some more
space!
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828. |
Wednesday ~ 24 Av,
5770 ~ August 4, 2010
|
|
In Today's Issue
-
Tip of the
Day: Seeing
Without Looking
Battle
Communication:
He's Rooting for
Me!
Sayings of the
Day:
From the 12-Step groups
Daily Dose of
Dov: Balance is a Big, Big Deal
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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Tip of the Day
Seeing Without Looking
By "Halevi76"
I have a technique that works for me. I have
been trying it for a couple of weeks now and I
believe it works for me, so I just had to share
it with you.
For all I know,
it may already be something many of you do, but
in case it is not, I believe it will appeal and
give you success in the Reshus Harabbim,
particularly if you are not a great fan of
walking with your eyes fixed on the ground - I
know some people are afraid this makes them look
'weird' others are afraid of bumping into
lampposts.
The technique
works like this:
When you have to
walk down a crowded street (say to get to or
from a train station) and you know it is
inevitable that there will be a lot of pritzus
on show, fix your eyes into the middle distance
on an inanimate object, say a tree, a tall
building etc. Focus all your eye-concentration
on that object (perhaps whilst keeping your mind
active with humming a song, reciting mishnayos
Ba'al Peh or saying a Kapitel Tehillim) as you
walk. If you do it right, you will notice that
although you will be 'aware' of the people that
you walk past, or who walk towards you, being
there; but your mind will not allow you to focus
on the detail - so you should not be able to
tell what they look like, let alone end up
staring at them. I have managed to get it to the
point that on most occasions, I am not even
aware if it is a man or woman that I have just
walked past.
Important
note: You have to really want to not look
for it to work. Initially, it will be very
tempting. You will see things out of the corner
of your eyes that may prompt and tempt you to
look at what you might have missed, but as you
learn to focus on this faraway object, you will
find that you are able to blur the edges of your
vision so that you see nothing 'out of the
corner of your eyes'.
It takes a little
practice, but it works.
It also allows
you to walk around with your head held high, but
still protect your eyes.
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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Battle Communication
He's Rooting for Me!
By Eye.nonymous
I've been listening to the
Charlie and Joe Big Book workshop. It's been
great supplementary listening to
Duvid Chaim's group, and helps me understand
things better.
While listening
to the chapter, "We agnostics," I was struck
with a different idea of Hashgacha Pratis. I
guess I used to think of it as--yeah, yeah,
Hashem provides for every single creature. He
takes care of what everything needs. I got a
new understanding--INDIVIDUAL ATTENTION. Hashem
CARES about ME, He's INTERESTED in ME and He's
rooting for ME! It's much more personal than
how I've ever thought of this before.
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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Sayings of
the Day
From the 12-Step Groups
One is too many, a thousand is not enough.
We'll love you, until you learn to love
yourself.
Try to be
grateful and resentful at the same time, you
can't serve two masters.
Faith chases away
fear.
Sobriety, then
serenity.
Live life on
life's terms.
People who are
wrapped up in themselves make a very small
package indeed...
Death, insanity,
or recovery.
Insanity is
defined as doing the same thing over, and over
again, expecting different results.
The addict's mind
is like a bad neighborhood, don't go there
alone.
Faith without
works is dead.
The addiction is
cunning, baffling, powerful, and patient.
When the pain of
staying sober becomes less than the pain of
acting out, you'll stay sober.
Short version of
the Serenity Prayer: Lighten up.
You don't have to
wait till the basement to get off the down
elevator.
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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Daily Dose of Dov
Dov is sober in SA for over 13 years. See his
story
here.
Balance is a Big, Big Deal
One of the worst problems we folks who run into
zera l'vatoloh problems have (in my opinion) is
the raising of issues that are fine details of
yiddishkeit to the level of ikkarei ha'emunah/de'oraisah's. Many
of us focus so much on mikvah and kavonos that
we get lost in our own little isolated worlds of
"avodah". I
know I did. I was so busy with p'ratim of
t'shuva and kavonoh that I was able to gloss
over the fact that I was regularly using schmutz
and engaging in horrible hirhur aveiro and
behavior. I was clearly playing into the hands
of the Yetzer Hara. I do not believe that much
of what's dealt with in s'forim such as "Shomrei
Emunim" (the one by R'A. Rottah) and Yesod Yosef
are dealing with modern-type "chot'im", but with
people who have temptations or were oiver a few
times in some z'nus or z"l. My friends are
Americans who are submerged in a culture of znus
and who's track record is habitual and
chronic. That's why I consider those s'forim
obstructive to recovery (even for me b"H sober
for a while) and do not use them, at all.
Perhaps this will
explain why a bit more clearly:
I sincerely
believe that replacing a focus
on the simple basics of derech eretz with
an emotional focus on higher madreigos of tahara
and yir'ah is a common and ugly mishega'as that
explains why many of us get nowhere for so long.
Y'ravam ben nevat was a "shokul" - knew 129?
pirushim in Toras Kohanim (not sure of the exact #
- check Yalkut on that), but destroyed Klal
Yisroel in avodah zara, at the same time. He
balanced himself in dinei Shomayim - he thought.
(Apparently it worked to some extent as Hashem
invited him to walk with Him and Dovid haMelech
in gan eiden if he'd just clean up his act. He
never invited me!)
I think that the "shokul" is a similar
phenomenon to the addict who balances his
tremendous guilt with intermittent and intense "teshuva"
and with a few practices that involve "mesiras
nefesh". It didn't work for me - except to
perpetuate the problem and to poison my
perception of my relationship with Hashem to a
wild pendulum. Either crisis and agony (Take me
back Tatty!!) or depression and ecstasy (You
took me back yay!! We are soooo close!)... Have
you witnessed this endless cycle?
Since getting
sober, things are returning to some even-keeled
perspective, b"H. Balance is a big, big deal.
And the basics are everything for me, when I'm
doing OK.
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|
|
Important Announcement
Rabbosai, we'll again be traveling
on behalf of GuardYourEyes in about
a week. Again, I apologize in
advance if the chizuk e-mails may
not be consistent in the coming two
weeks or so. We hope that on this
trip we will accomplish our goals
and raise the amount we need for the
complete overhaul of the GYE
network, to make our websites and
services much more professional, to
build the framework to accommodate
tens of thousands of Yidden who
struggle in these areas, and to
advertise our services all over. We
also plan on expanding our focus in
prevention, with hot-lines for
filter advice, and a special website
with many great prevention features
and forums as well.
Two Ways YOU Can Help
1)
Please see the parlor meeting
invitation below (download
here). It will be a small,
closed door event (not for the
media), and we are trying to bring
together a strong group of wealthy
balabatim who are potential donors
of 5k and up. With only two weeks to
go until this important event, we
ask everyone to please help us with
any names (contact info a must!) of
Yidden who may be able to help us
grow. We will call them personally
and try to convince them of the
importance of our work, and ask them
to join us for this unique event.
Please write to
eyes.guard@gmail.com if you have
any ideas of names, or on how to
make this event more successful,
be"H.
2)
On our past two recent trips, our
tickets were sponsored by a Gevir,
but this Gevir lost a large amount
of money just last week and we
didn't feel right to approach him
for tickets again. The cost of the
round-trip tickets for me and my
partner is $3,600. Each way (for
each of us) is $900. If four people
reading this want to have the zechus
of being partners in this historic
trip, that would cover the full
cost.
But every little bit counts.
Please use the PayPal options on the
right side of our website
www.guardyoureyes.org to donate
whatever you can.
Yasher Koach and Tizke Lemitzvos.
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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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On days that Chizuk e-mails do not
arrive (in the coming two weeks or
so), please make sure to read from
the archives of 800 "Breaking Free"
chizuk e-mails sent out in the past
years, and 400
Shemiras Ainayim Chizuk
e-mails as well. You can access the
archives by clicking on the numbers
1 - 800, and 1 - 400 at the top of
this page.
You are all pioneers in the GYE
revolution. Keep each other strong
on
the forum as well!
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829. |
Friday ~ 26 Av,
5770 ~ August 6, 2010
Erev Shabbos Parshas Re'eh
|
|
In Today's Issue
-
Repeat
Announcement:
How you can help our trip succeed
Parsha Talk -
Re'eh: We
Can Choose Bracha TODAY
Announcement:
Zeva Citronnenbaum's Group
Sayings of the
Day:
From the 12-Step groups
Daily Dose of
Dov: What "One Day at a Time"
Really
Means
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Repeat
Announcement
Two ways YOU can help our upcoming trip to
be a success:
1)
Please see the parlor meeting invitation
here. It will be a small, closed door event
(not for the media), and we are trying to bring
together a strong group of wealthy balabatim who
are potential donors of 5k and up. With only two
weeks to go until this important event, we ask
everyone to please help us with any names
(contact info a must!) of Yidden who may be able
to help us grow. We will call them personally
and try to convince them of the importance of
our work, and ask them to join us for this
unique event. Please write to
eyes.guard@gmail.com if you have any ideas
of names, or on how to make this event more
successful, be"H.
2) On our
past two recent trips, our tickets were
sponsored by a Gevir, but this Gevir lost a
large amount of money just last week and we
didn't feel right to approach him for tickets
again. The cost of the round-trip tickets for me
and my partner is $3,600. Each way (for each of
us) is $900. If four people reading this want to
have the zechus of being partners in this
historic trip, that would cover the full cost.
But every little bit counts.
Please use the PayPal options on the right side
of our website
www.guardyoureyes.org to donate whatever you
can
(or
ask us for other ways to donate).
We only raised $326 toward the tickets so far.
Can you help?
Thank you to the donors who gave the following
donations:
$90
$100
$100
$36
Thank you & Tizke Lemitzvos!
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Parsha Talk: Re'eh
We Can Choose Bracha TODAY
Yitzchok writes:
This Parsha
begins with a focus on choice. We hear Moshe
Rabbeinu saying: "Re'ei a'nochi no'sein
lif'nei'chem ha'yom bracha u'klalla". (ArtScroll:
"See. I present before you today a blessing and
a curse ... ").
The Sfas Emes brings an
insight from his Grandfather. The Chidushei
HarRim had commented on the fact that every
morning, we say a bracha whose inner message
may initially be hard to grasp. In that bracha,
we thank Hashem for giving roosters the ability
to distinguish between day and night. A bracha
on this theme seems bizarre. Why did Chazal
introduce it into our daily davening? The
Chiddushei HaRim explained that this bracha is a
daily reminder that, just as Hashem gives the
rooster the ability to distinguish between day
and night, so, too, has He given us the free
will necessary to choose between right and
wrong.
The Sfas Emes gives us his reaction to a word in
the pasuk which begins the Parsha. As cited
above, that pasuk says: "Re'ei ... hayom ...."
That is, "I present ... today". Normally, we
would expect that a person who has done wrong
would lose some of his capacity to choose
between right and wrong; that is, his free will.
Not so, says the Sfas Emes, who is working with
the word "today". Every day, Hashem renews
creation ("ha'me'chadeish be'chol yom tamid
ma'asei be'reishis"), As part of this daily
renewal Hashem gives us new bechira chofshis,
thus enabling us to start anew.Every single day
we have the opportunity to start again with the
help of Hashem to get close to him and to Choose
bracha And,
adds the Sfas Emes, quoting a pasuk in Yechezkel
(33:12), "A person who is returning will not
stumble".
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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Announcement
Zeva Citronnenbaum's Group
Starting New Cycle in August
Click here for more info on Zeva's Group
Joel wrote:
The accountability and feedback that I get from
Zeva's group adds to my recovery in a way that I
don't get in my SA group. I find the "role
plays" helpful to really experience what the
struggle of addition and recovery is all about.
The group helps me see that the struggle with
lust is really about something deeper inside me,
issues that I have in my life in general.
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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Sayings of
the Day
From the 12-Step Groups
Fear is the absence of faith.
God has no grand kids.
The road to
resentment is paved with expectations.
Guilt is the gift that keeps on giving.
There is no magic in recovery, only miracles.
There is a God and I'm not it.
Courage is faith that has said its prayers.
Depression is anger toward inward.
If it is meant to be, I can't stop it. If it
isn't God's will, I can't make it happen.
Denial is not a river in Egypt, but you can
drown in it.
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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Daily Dose of Dov
Dov is sober in SA for over 13 years. See his
story
here.
What "One Day At A Time"
Really
Means
Living one day-at-a-time is not like telling the
Yetzer Hara to come back tomorrow. That eitza
isn't realistic for most addicts I know. It
tends to make the whole thing a waiting game,
and the "pressure just builds up", as they say.
Never worked for me.
The idea that
it's about realism, is much more the way I see
it. Practically, that means some things we tend
to like, while - if we really take it seriously
- it also means some things we don't really like
that much. But consistency = honesty, right?
For example:
- No asking for
Hashem to keep me sober this week, year (even on
R"H), or just "in general" - it's always for
today and only for today. Just
cuz other people
can daven for the year or week, doesn't mean I can.
- Worrying about
"what will be with" me/my kids/whatever, in the
future is a negation of living one day at a time
- I can't afford to do it much. I need to find
and use tools to let go of my emotional
load from
the future - while not being a moron about it,
of course. That takes learning simple trust of
Hashem, not much else.
- Focusing on
what's really going on today is what it's all
about. Before recovery, the only thing that made
"today" bearable was the fact that I had a
rendezvous with some lust adventure planned tomorrow,
or living in the euphoric recall of the schmutz
I watched yesterday. How the heck are we
supposed to ever live right if it's never
actually today in
our hearts?!
- Remembering
that today is OK. It's the best Hashem has to
offer for me, if I make the best of it.
It's more of an
attitude than an action, but requires actions
like mantras or affirmations of the above,
repeated a few times per day, and trying to
reduce the actions and thoughts that contradict
it in the way we live. When a lust opportunity
presents itself, it is time for surrender of the
opportunity by bringing it into the light and
sharing it with a friend, explicitly admitting
the truth to Hashem about intentions and doing
our best to give the struggle up to Him right
then, and not worrying about what will be
tomorrow - and not dwelling on our hypocrisy
based on our stupid behavior from yesterday. All
that stuff is shtuyot. As realistic, honest, and
sensible as it may seem at the time, living one
day-at-a-time demands surrender to Hashem
right now, I guess.
Of course,
"living it" is all that really matters, not
"figuring it all out". In fact, the only way I
have anything to share about this at all is from
living it a bit. Nothing I wrote above was what
I had 'figured out' about it before recovery. I
threw all that in the trash with every other
well-intentioned hashkofa/advice that
didn't work for me at all.
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830. |
Friday ~ 17 Elul,
5770 ~ August 27, 2010
Erev Shabbos Parshas Ki Savo
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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Back From
the Big Trip
Baruch Hashem, we're finally back from our third
trip to the U.S on behalf of GuardYourEyes in as
many months. It's good to be home after more
than nine days on the road!
B"H we are starting to make some headway, but
the turnout at our recent parlor meeting was a
bit disappointing. As a new organization that
hasn't been heard of yet by most people, it was
very difficult to get many of the "big names" to
show up. We did get a few though, and we
connected with many good people for the future
as well. The speeches were great, and our
work was given a new level of integration into
the Jewish world at the parlor meeting that
evening, August 23 - Ohr L'Arba Assar of Elul.
The sense of mission that we were entrusted with
by the Gedolim, will hopefully give us strength
to move forward and work hard for a long time to
come, and help many more of acheinu bnei
Yisrael who suffer from these struggles.
We encourage everyone to listen to the speeches
(links below) and to do their best to donate
whatever they can to help us move our work to
the next level. Indeed, we have already begun
our major web-development overhaul (which will
cost approx 50K), where all our websites and
forums will be integrated into a much more
professional and user-friendly system. The new
and improved network will hopefully be launched
in the coming months, be"H, and will be able to
accommodate tens of thousands of users.
Download the following speeches by
right-clicking and pressing "Save Link/Target
As" onto your computer:
Rabbi Chaim Dovid Zwiebel, Esq.
Executive Vice President of Agudath Israel of
America
Chairman of the evening
(2 min 7 sec)
Rabbi Aharon Feldman Shlita
Rosh Yeshivas Ner Yisrael Baltimore
(4 min 35 sec)
Dr. / Rabbi Avraham Twerski MD, Shlita
Founder of Gateway Rehab Center
(10 min 40 sec)
We apologize for the lapse in the Chizuk
e-mails, and we hope that everyone made use of
the archives during this time. One of the
major features that our
new network will include, will be an
automated system for the chizuk e-mails. Users
will be able to select what categories they wish
to receive, and how many times a week they would
like to get the e-mails. The system will pull
articles from the database and send them out
automatically. No longer will there be lapses in
the chizuk e-mails when I am traveling! :-)
In any event, we hope to renew the chizuk
e-mails next week. Thank you for your patience
and understanding. You are all part of a silent
revolution in the Kedusha of Klal Yisrael. We
are building an army to fight back in today's
difficult and dark world. Every Jew is an entire
world.
A ksiva vachasimah tova to all of you!
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831. |
Sunday ~ 19 Elul,
5770 ~ August 29, 2010
|
|
In Today's Issue
-
Q & A of the
Day: Ask for a
Finger - Get the Hand
Announcement:
Last Call for Zeva Citronnenbaum's Group
Sayings of the
Day:
From the 12-Step groups
Daily Dose of
Dov: Mikvah Yisrael
Hashem
(Part 1)
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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q & A of
the Day
Ask for a Finger - Get the Hand
Taken from the "Chizzuk
For College" e-mail list. To sign up,
send an email to chizzuk4college@gmail.com with
the word "subscribe" in the subject line.
"How does one repent for certain sins that he
knows he will repeat?"
Answer by HaRav Avigdor Miller Zatzal:
That's a question that is being always asked.
And the answer is as follows. If a man smokes
forty cigarettes every Shabbos, and he decides
he's going to smoke only thirty nine, that's a
fortunate man. That's called a Miktzas Teshuva.
A little bit of Teshuva, which is the easiest
thing to do, is the biggest obligation. To stop
all forty, is not so easy for him, but to stop
the fortieth, YES, he can. And therefore, if you
can stop even a little bit of your sin, then you
must do it, and it's the biggest obligation,
that's the easiest thing to do.
And so any sinner, even though he's a confirmed
Chotai, if he's able to make a resolve, at least
one little bit of that sin he won't do anymore.
Let's say he does a sin ten times a week, now
he'll do it nine times a week; he makes up his
mind "no more then nine times", he is a LUCKY
man. If he neglects that opportunity, he's in
great danger; Hashem is very angry at him. The
tenth time was easy to avoid. And so everybody
can do a Miktzas Teshuva.
That's why we say "Hashivainu Avinu Lesorasecho
- Hashem bring us back to your Torah", that's
Teshuva we are asking for, Teshuva, for
repentance. Then we say, "V'Hachzirainu B'sehuva
Shelaima", then we're asking for a perfect
repentance. First we are asking for a little bit
of repentance, any kind of repentance, a little
bit at least. Then, once you ask for a finger,
you ask for the whole hand too! Then we say,
give us a full repentance.
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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Announcement
Last Call for Signing up to
Zeva Citronnenbaum's Group
Click here for more info on Zeva's Group
Gary wrote:
I am pleased to write this testimonial on my
brief yet rewarding experience with Zeva and
her phone in support group.
Zeva is
a very experienced facilitator and a true caring
individual. In my short time with the group, I
have found her sessions enlightening and very
helpful. I only wish the group met more
frequently. I strongly urge all needy addicted
individuals to seek Zeva and
her groups, or if you are local to her location,
then see her individually. I only wish I had
that opportunity.
I have already
signed up for the next group round with Zeva.
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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Sayings of
the Day
From the 12-Step Groups
The smartest thing an addict can say is,
"help!".
You are exactly
where you are supposed to be.
God will never
give you more than you can handle.
A coincidence is
a miracle in which God chooses to remain
anonymous.
Give time time.
The 12-Steps work
for people who believe in God. The 12-Steps work
for people who don't believe in God. The
12-Steps NEVER work for people who believe they
ARE God.
Just for today, I
will try to live through this day only, and not
tackle my whole life problems at once.
There are two
days in every week which we have no control
over----yesterday and tomorrow. Today is the
only day we can change.
It is not the
experience of today that drives people mad, it
is remorse of yesterday and the dread of
tomorrow.
A drug is a drug.
Pain is the
touchstone of spiritual growth.
Why recovery never ends: the disease is
sexaholISm, not sexaholWASm.
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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Daily Dose of Dov
Dov is sober in SA for over 13 years. See his
story
here.
There's a
saying on GYE: "When you start to understand the
Daily-Doses-of-Dov, you are well on your way to
recovery!" :-)
Mikveh Yisroel Hashem
(Part 1)
We all sing Rabbee Akivah's ma'amar about "Mikveh
Yisroel Hashem" on Lag ba'Omer... don't we hear
what we are saying?
Hashem is
our Mikvah - not the mikvah, but Hashem.
Now, what's that supposed to mean? To me, it
means that our mikvah of water is an embodiment
of Hashem's Chesed.
When we connect to Hashem in His Chesed (Love),
we are immediately purified. His Chesed is above all
Dinim, and certainly "above"
all Tum'ah, as Tum'ah is only an expression of
Dinim. Our Tum'ah isn't really removed -
rather, it becomes irrelevant.
So it is all
about Hashem after all, at least the way I see
it. But this has to be real,
to accomplish anything at all.
For those who in
their hearts are still looking
at the mikvah as having some magical power
endowed by Hashem, I maintain that they are
disconnecting the whole idea of mikvah from
Hashem. Malochim and stars are also endowed with
power. Uh-oh.
No matter how
much kedusha and tahara those fellows feel they
are connecting to, to me it's still the opposite
of the recovery I know in my life. At its root,
it'd still be all about me and my power to
finally "beat this thing". It's
white-knuckling. To
me, white-knuckling doesn't get any better by
using Hashem's name a lot or by my being more
dedicated to Torah and mitzvos - it's still
white-knuckling and brings no relief. The
struggle and "pressure" only builds
up over
time that way. Double uh-oh.
Don't get me
wrong. I am very pro-mikvah. My only point is
that Mikveh Yisroel Hashem: it has to be all
about Hashem, not our struggle. Not about
beating lust. Not about winning, but about Hashem.
Should He decide to lift me above the lust,
great! It's up to Him. All I can do is try to
connect to him by mesiras
nefesh,
which literally means
"giving myself and my will over to Him". If
mikveh helps me do that, it'll work - like a
charm! If
not, it's just another opportunity for
disillusionment with yiddishkeit. Again.
Someone replies to Dov:
The quote from Rabbi Akiva is that "just as
mikveh purifies the impure - AUTOMATICALLY, i.e.
the mere act of being completely submerged in
those waters of life work their 'magic', so too,
connecting to Hashem - completely, will purify
us from our blemishes - AUTOMATICALLY!!!
So Reb Dov, tell
us why it didn't work for you, & why you doubt
it will work for anyone with a problem. I know
that it didn't work for me either. After all, I
had all this knowledge for years and I still
couldn't control myself before coming to GYE!
Dov replies:
I never meant that Rabbi Akiva was saying we
don't need the watery kind of mikvah, just that
he was reminding us that it isn't the mitzvah (any mitzvah)
itself that has power, but it is the fact that it's
G-d's Will that
is the power. That is perhaps why most rishonim
hold "mitzvos tzrichos kavonoh".
Doing an act that is technically a mitzvah
without attaching it to G-d is just a dead
fish... in a mikvah :-) And
I feel that there is a very thin line between kishuf and
believing in the automatic power
of any mitzvah, without a focus on G-d in the
act. Maybe there is a line, but it looks real
thin to me! Mitzvas anashim melumada is not a
good thing.
And please don't
mistake what I am saying as having anything to
do with doing things truly l'Shem
Shomayim or
not. That is a much higher level than just
knowing that "this act is G-d's Will". All I am
talking about is being aware that it's not the
act that Hashem wants, it is the awareness in us
that it is His Will. Whether we mix ulterior
motives in with that is another issue, and a
lifetime's work, I guess.
So, maybe yes,
maybe no, but all I know is that if I am not
sober today my chances of being able to ask
Rabbi Akiva in person real soon, go way up! (at
least maybe I'll be able to yell the question to
him while I'm passing by on the down escalator!)
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832. |
Monday ~ 20 Elul,
5770 ~ August 30, 2010
|
|
In Today's Issue
-
Announcement
1: New Cycle
of the GYE Handbook E-mail List
-
Announcement
2: Elya's
Group Changing Day
-
Story of the
Day: Teshuvah
is Hashem's Gift to Us
-
Sayings of the
Day:
From the 12-Step groups
Daily Dose of
Dov: Mikvah Yisrael
Hashem
(Part 2)
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Announcement 1
We have just
begun a new cycle of the 'Guard Your Eyes'
Handbook daily e-mails, where we bring
excerpts each day from the GYE handbook for
those who don't have time to read through
the entire thing, or for those who want to
review it little by little each day.
Sign up for
this list by selecting "Update
Profile/E-Mail Address" at the very bottom
of this e-mail, and then add "The GYE
Handbook" list to your choices.
We have recently combined the "Attitude
Handbook" and the "GYE Handbook" into one
handbook with two parts. To download the new
combined version as a PDF e-Book,
right-click here and select "Save
Target/Link As". (The new cycle is starting
with Part 1, which deals with maintaining
the proper attitude and perspective on these
struggles.)
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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Announcement 2
Elya's
successful Thursday night phone group will
be changing to Wednesday nights until
further notice.
Click here for more info on this
conference call, and for info on how to
join.
Click here to e-mail Elya if you have
any questions.
Elya also mans our phone hotlines. See
this page for more info.
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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Story of
the Day
Teshuvah is Hashem's Gift to Us
By "Mike"
I'm writing this to help others, to let them
know that they are not alone that it is never
too late. Teshuva is Hashem's gift to all of us.
There is a way to erase and start a new...
I grew up in a non observant "traditional" home.
I was pretty much like everyone else in my
secular Jewish neighborhood, except I had a
secret; a big dark secret that I can no longer
ignore.
From an early age, my "sexual" energy was off
the charts. I remember clearly being something
like 10yrs old and staring for hours out my
window hopping to catch a fast glance into my
neighbor's bedroom... As I got older, I began to
expand my repertoire. Peep Shows, Strip clubs,
Massage parlors and swinger clubs... Telling
myself that once I get married I will stop, but
I never did... After a recent death in my
family, I began to read the Jewish perspective
of the soul's journey... The idea of a heavenly
court where there was nothing to hide, scared me
to death... My life; the cheating and deception
would be all there...
One day after acting out, I was there playing
with my child and wife and just imagined this
scene being played out in the heavenly court
after I died. I imagined my soul being shown
this tape of me coming home from a massage
parlor to my family... What would I say? What
would be my defense? It scared me to death and I
resolved to change. At first it was 100% out of
fear, but as I read more about Teshuva, I
realized that it had to come from my love of
Hashem. I did some deep soul searching. There
must have been a reason why I always had strong
sexual urges (before puberty)... Maybe Hashem
made me this way because this is what I need to
fix... This is what my soul needs to repair... I
had a choice, to continue along the same path,
or to change... It hit me like a ton of
bricks... Teshuva was Hashem's gift to me, and
now I had the opportunity to actually do
it, today, while I'm still alive. When my
judgment day comes, I hope I can say, "those
sins are not mine, they belong to a different
person".
I feel my Teshuvah is not just out of fear, but
also out of love for Hashem, for it is He alone
who brought me to realize what I was doing to
both my physical and spiritual self... I thank
G-d that I woke up before it was too late to
rectify my errors... I now have the opportunity
to do Teshuva everyday for the rest of my
life... How thankful I am to Hashem that I have
this opportunity. And you know what? So do you!
Perhaps this is what your Soul needs to repair
in this life. This is the change you need to
make to enter and take your rightful place in
gan eden. Be thankful that you realized this
while still alive and can make the change today.
Remember that Teshuva is Hashem's gift to all of
us, so be wise and use it!
I am now examining my life and I want to add
mitzvahs into my life... I am from a secular
background, as is my wife, but I'd rather be on
a journey of Jewish learning and adding
Mitzvahs, then on the path I was on... G-d
forbid, had I died 3 weeks ago before Teshuva, I
would have been stuck in a very scary place for
perhaps eternity... How blessed am I that I can
do Teshuva for the rest of my life and turn it
all around. Thank you Hashem.
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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Sayings of
the Day
From the 12-Step Groups
If
you find a path with no obstacles, it probably
doesn't lead anywhere.
Every recovery
began with one sober hour.
Each and every addict, sober or not, teaches us
valuable lessons about ourselves and recovery.
We had to quit playing God.
RULE 62: don't take yourself seriously.
Living in the here and now.
How does one become an old-timer? Don't act-out
and don't die.
My worst day in sobriety is better than my best
day in addiction.
The elevator is broken-------use the Steps.
If we don't grow, we gotta go.
Religion is for those who fear Hell,
spirituality is for those who have been there.
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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Daily Dose of Dov
Dov is sober in SA for over 13 years. See his
story
here.
There's a
saying on GYE: "When you start to understand the
Daily-Doses-of-Dov, you are well on your way to
recovery!" :-)
Mikveh Yisroel Hashem
(Part 2)
I'm not saying there is no magic in mitzvos. All
I said is that there is a very thin line between
looking at them that way and kishuf, or mindless
rituals of savages, for that matter....
The Zohar hakadosh tells us that any mitzvha
without yir'ah and ahava "leis parchin l'eila" -
it doesn't fly up (literally). It compares
yir'ah and ahava in the mitzvah act to "wings".
Now, I ask you. Is this to be taken to mean that
we are not yotzei the
mitzvah without ahava and yir'ah? Can't be. That
would be one mama of a machlokes between nigla
and nistar - which (more than only the Gr"a
agrees) cannot really happen. Rather, I believe
that the Zohar hakadosh is telling us that there
is a lot of different things that our mitzvos
accomplish. One of
those things is to "fly up", whatever that
means. The Nefesh Hachayim goes into this issue
quite extensively, I think. I also believe
(uh-oh) that what "flies up" isn't just the
mitzvah, it is the person (or perhaps the neshoma of
the person) who is doing the
mitzvah. He (or his neshoma) has an aliyah
through the mitzvah.
So, perhaps there
are a lot of things that going to the mikvah
will accomplish. I'm just trying to say that for
freedom and recovery, addicts like me need an
attitude of simple reliance and expectancy of
help from Hashem, much more than we need tikunim
like mikvah. And if that's agreed, then I see a
danger when my mind offers me shortcuts to that
- even if they do
do something... There's nothing like the real
thing, baby. And the more I focus on the
shortcuts and automatics, the more I fear that
I'll lose the Real Thing! Our religion is not
about serving the Torah, it's about G-d. The
derech Eitz chayim is the
Torah - but it's still only about G-d.
And a personal G-d!
Maybe the average yid doesn't need to see the
difference, but I sure do. I'm sick and need
strong medicine!
Chassidism came
to Europe to teach that, I believe, and it got
the same kind of reaction from the good-ol' frum
yidden: "What? The next thing
you're gonna say is that the Christians are
right and all we need to do is believe and
that's it!" They discovered that the Chassidim
were injecting life into
kiyum
hamitzvos, that's all. It was the people they
were changing, not the Torah.
"Our religion
is not about serving the Torah, it's about
G-d."
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|
833. |
Tuesday ~ 21 Elul,
5770 ~ August 31, 2010
|
|
In Today's Issue
-
Torah Thought
of the Day:
You Stand Before Me
Today
-
Sayings of the
Day:
From the 12-Step groups
Daily Dose of
Dov: Sobriety is like Breathing; Recovery
is like Living
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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Torah
Thought of the Day
"Atem Nitzavim Hayom
You stand before Me Today"
"In my youth, I was considered a bright and
diligent student. How did I accomplish this? I
tricked my yetzer hara. Other children had great
plans at the beginning of the school year for
the whole year, but in the end they failed. I
said to myself, "I am going to plan just for
today - and set goal for this day only". The
Satan, not being interested in a single day,
left me alone. The next day, I again just made
plans for that day, and so on until the end of
the year."
- Klausenberger Rebbe
This is a tremendous yesod. How many of us are
able to just take things one day at a time? We
dwell in the past ("Oh, man, why'd I do that?!),
and in the future ("What if this happens?"). The
pasuk is telling us to stop dwelling on the past
or worrying about the future. Right now we are
standing right here. What are we going to do
with
this moment?
Taken from the "Chizzuk
For College" e-mail list. To sign up, send an
email to chizzuk4college@gmail.com with
the word "subscribe" in the subject line.
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Sayings of the Day
From the 12-Step Groups
It's a shame we can't forget our troubles the
same way we forget our blessings.
I've been sober and I've been acting out.
Sober's better.
The will of God will never take you where the
grace of God will not protect you.
The 12-Steps never opened the gates of heaven to
let me in, the 12-Steps did open the gates of
hell to let me out.
The only thing we
take from this world when we leave is what we
gave away.
Time wasted in
getting even can never be used in getting ahead.
Sobriety delivers everything acting-out
promised.
Get out of the
driver's seat and let God.
H.O.W.= Honesty, Open-mindedness,
Willingness.
First we stayed sober because we have to... then
we stay sober because we are willing to... then
we stay sober because we want to.
Everyday is a gift, that's why we call it "the
present".
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Daily Dose of Dov
Dov is sober in SA for over 13 years. See his
story
here.
Sobriety is like Breathing; Recovery is like
Living
Someone asked Dov:
Dov, they say you've been clean in SA for 13
years. Does that mean that you did not make even
ONE mistake?
Dov Replies:
No, it does not mean that. I use the sobriety
definition of SA as explained to me by my
sponsor and others. My sobriety date only means
that by the grace (chessed chinam) of Hashem, I
have never masturbated or been with anyone other
than my wife since that date. It is truly a very
narrow definition of sobriety and does not
measure my recovery in
any reliable way. I do not believe it is meant
to. That
having been said, the value of a
sobriety date is in the fact that it doesn't
happen by holding one's breath... that is, one
cannot be sober for a very long time unless
there is also recovery.
And as recovery does not progress while a person
is actively using their drug, sobriety is
indispensable. To me, sobriety is like breathing - and
recovery is like living.
Given the nature of this particular
addiction/drug - the natural capacity to lust
and be sexual - it is not likely that anyone
will actually stay sober for very long without active
recovery. For me, that means meetings,
sponsorship (service), and working (not just
studying) the steps. Hence the value people
place on long-term sobriety. That's what SA
calls "progressive freedom (or
the more goyishe word: 'victory') over
lust." It is assumed that an addict in
recovery either progresses or regresses in
their freedom from lust as a motivation in their
life. There does not seem to be much room for
stagnation. Maybe there is room for a bit of it
(we have all coasted occasionally), but not
much... and we never know how much slack we will
be 'given'. No worries though, cuz if we are
lucky, lust will soon kick us in the behind
unceremoniously and help us right back into
serious recovery.
I have lusted many times, have looked at
pornography a number of times, have done many
things which were part of my acting-out
behaviors many times over the years - in
sobriety. The point is, that I reacted to that
by: making my calls for help to people and to my
G-d earlier and earlier which
helped me learn to surrender earlier and
earlier; using the slips as opportunities to get more aware
of my powerlessness (living a better 1st step);
by admitting freely in every meeting I went to
that I was not perfect and indeed having a
problem and exactly what
behaviors it was; and by not giving
up. When I asked my sponsor if I should change
my sobriety date he would say, "You want to
define your own sobriety? Why bother? If you
keep playing around you
will lose your sobriety pretty soon anyway!
And if you go back to zero, you will probably
figure you might as well try your hand at some
serious acting out - if you are at zero,
anyway!" That helped me come to my senses,
alright!
My sobriety is far from a perfect one. But
Hashem has helped me remember how precious
sobriety is to me today. He has been helping me
run from risky curiosity and other thoughts,
talk, and actions that might damage my precious
sobriety. And today our life is far better than
I could have ever dreamed - for me and my entire
family - without any other motivation than recovery.
I ask Him to help me stay sober so that I can
continue to recover (and live) and to help me
stay in recovery so that I can remain sober (and
not die). And my freedom from lust is
increasing, it seems, though I am obviously still an
addict and my life still cannot
work while I pursue lust.
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834. |
Wednesday ~ 22
Elul, 5770 ~ September 1, 2010
|
|
In Today's Issue
-
Announcement:
Free GYE Phone Conference Calls
-
Tip of the
Day: What's
your Homepage?
-
Sayings of the
Day:
From the 12-Step groups
Daily Dose of
Dov: Leading Through Weakness
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Announcement
Join the GYE Phone Conferences for Free!
By "Yiddle"
There is a way to get 100% free phone calls from
your computer, starting this week! Google has
now made it possible to make free calls to
anywhere within the U.S (International calls are
still very cheap). All you need is a
G-mail account and a Google Voice number (click
here) and you're on your way to attending
the
daily phone conference meetings that go on
throughout the week on GYE - FOR FREE!
Now there's no excuse not to be on the calls (at
least for me).
Baderech
she'Adam rotzeh leileich, molichim oso!!! I
have been waiting for God to send me this for
months now!!
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Tip of the
Day
By "World"
Don't add the GUARDYOUREYES website to your
FAVORITES list. Each time I type in the
words ...G-U-A-R-D-Y-O-U-R-E-Y-E-S...
it's a real reminder! (Sometimes
subconsciously).
Paul replies:
What has helped me immensely is making
guardyoureyes.org my homepage on my iphone
browser, so that it is an instant reminder of my
#1 priority (recovery), and it reminds me to
step back and think about what I am thinking
about and what I need to think about.
P.S. For filter options for iPhones and other
mobile devices, see
this page.
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Sayings of
the Day
From the 12-Step Groups
Knowledge of the answers never stopped anyone
from a slip---it was failing to practice the
answers known.
H.A.L.T.= Don't
get too Hungry, Angry, Lonely
or Tired.
F.E.A.R.= Frustration,
Ego, Anxiety, Resentment.
Willingness without action is fantasy.
When a person tries to control their lusting
they have already lost control.
The task ahead of us is never as great as the
Power behind us.
The results are in God's hands.
Remember nothing is going to happen today that
you and God can't handle.
Don't watch the slippers, watch those who don't
slip... watch them go through difficulties and
pull through.
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Daily Dose of Dov
Dov is sober in SA for over 13 years. See his
story
here.
Leading Through Weakness
In yesterday's "Daily Dose of Dov" someone
asked:
Dov, they say you've been clean in SA for 13
years. Does that mean that you did not make even
ONE mistake?
Dov continues his reply:
There are a lot of fine Yidden out there who use
lust every now and then, even though it is an
aveira and upsets them deeply. It's not the end
of the world - really. Boruch Hashem, they deal with
it, do t'shuvah, etc. And that's normal.
It's what all the sifrei teshuvah are written
about. But
that model does not work for me, at all.
As an addict, I see myself as much worse off
than a normal yid: I have a disease. Should I
take that first lust drink - even without masturbating
or getting inappropriately sexual with someone -
it may ruin my life. And that's because I am a
pig about it - as soon as I use it, I need it.
And then I use it more and more until nothing is
left of me! Then I actually feel with every
fiber of my being that I cannot live without it.
Life can be pretty good, I can truly love my
G-d, my wife, children, and job - even be really
frum... but once I start lusting, it may be all
over: I may still risk and ruin it all just to
get that fantasy. Then I will sincerely ask,
"Why did I do it?!"
I am absolutely shocked. I've been there before
and it makes no sense. I believe only an addict
can 'understand' the insanity. Of course, all
this could change today and
I am free to slip, ruin everything for lust, and
eventually die from my addiction... really.
The following point is very important to me:
I thank Hashem every day that I never
intentionally hid behind the guise of tzaddik in
order to fake myself (and others) that I was
'doing just fine'. In other words, I did not
react to my own failures by simply 'going out
there and being
mekarev others'...
in AA they call that "12-stepping". It
means taking the focus off myself by
putting it on others. Acting as though by being
a louder mouthpiece for the Truth, I can
convince everybody (and maybe even convince myself!)
that I am really a 'very good boy'. I was
told to lead with my weakness,
just as the SA guys taught me to. The capacity
to use "kiruv/passing the message" as a shield
from my own conscience is demonstrated over and
over if we just keep our eyes open. It always
seems to be the politicians who are the most
vociferously and viciously anti-gay who are
homosexuals, themselves! And, by the same token,
some 'rabonnim' are really screwed up. It is so
painful. When it is revealed what sick stuff
they were secretly involved with, it becomes
apparent that the public and
inner approval they were getting from their
(often phenomenal) success in kiruv work was
actually enabling them
to morally tolerate their own horrifying
lifestyle. (I believe that Chaza"l refer to this
phenomenon when they say that Y'rov'om ben N'vat
was a 'shakul'.) I encountered a few examples of
this personally. Perhaps coming to know some of
those people has actually been helping me to not follow
in their footsteps... so far. It could all
change. We get very desperate in addiction,
don't we? I haven't the strength to fight that desperation.
One more thing along these lines. The temptation
to keep my failures secret so that my
effectiveness for others is not compromised -
now that's a
big Yetzer Hora. In the final analysis, I have
to remember that: (1) I am not G-d - the truth
about me is His problem,
not mine... He'll get
the job done for those people 'out there'
without needing me at
all should they decide to dump me
because I admit my failings; (2) the very best way
for me to be helpful and demonstrate true
Recovery is by
being honest -
even about my failures; and (3) My own sobriety
and recovery comes first -
before yours - and even before my 'duty' to help
'the masses'.
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|
835. |
Thursday ~ 23 Elul,
5770 ~ September 2, 2010
|
|
In Today's Issue
-
12 Steps:
Excuses List
-
Spiritual Tip
of the Day:
Es Ratzon
-
Sayings of the
Day:
From the 12-Step groups
Daily Dose of
Dov: Curiosity or Lust?
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
12-Steps
Excuses List
A Member of
Duvid Chaim's Phone conference shares his
"Excuses List" his addiction uses to FOOL HIM
into believing he is still in control of his
"lusting":
-
If I am the only one awake at 1 AM, it's not
hurting anyone
-
If I fantasize, it stops me from real-life
acting out
-
Everybody flirts anyway
-
It hurts to hold back/I need to release
tension
-
It's just too hard to stop/I've been doing
it too long
-
It's not a betrayal of love
-
I just want to check my email
-
It won't happen today
-
I won't happen again today
-
It won't happen before our phone meeting
-
I feel so great after the meeting, it won't
happen afterward
-
I can use the internet by myself, I am not
weak willed
-
No one will know
-
Acting out does not affect my tefilah
-
Acting out does not impinge on my love of
life, positive attitude, simchas ha'Chaim
-
I am not holy enough to fight back yet, one
day I will be there
-
It just feels so good
-
I need it
-
I will change tomorrow, just not now
-
I am in control
-
I have a better plan
-
I have a better plan
-
I have a better plan
-
I am the director, I can make anything
happen when I want
-
I am normal
-
I am not an addict, I'm not like him, I'm
not like them. If I'm an addict, people
will look down on me
-
I will go through the 12 steps and THEN be
in control
-
It's not the worst addiction out there
-
I am strong enough to stop
-
I, I, I.
What's
your
"excuse list"? We can identify the way our
addiction fools us and learn to pre-empt it!
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Spiritual
Tip of the Day
Es Ratzon
By "KelevShav"
I recently saw a sign in a shul that right after
overcoming an urge to look at junk is a
tremendous "es ratzon" for tefilos to be
answered.
This knowledge is
a great incentive for me to be misgaber -
personally I always say
"p'rok yas
anach mipum aryevasah v'apek yam ameich migo
galusa" afterwards...
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Sayings of
the Day
From the 12-Step Groups
We're responsible for the effort, not the
outcome.
E.G.O.= Edging God Out.
Keep your
sobriety first to make it last.
If you turn it over and don't let go of it, you
will be upside down.
A 12-Step meeting is where losers get together
to talk about their winnings.
God taught us to laugh again, but God, please
don't let us forget that we once cried.
Serenity is not freedom from the storm but peace
amid the storm.
It isn't the load that weighs us down------it's
the way we carry it.
The 7t's ---Take Time to Think The Thing
Through.
When we surrender to our Higher Power, the
journey begins.
There are none too dumb for the 12-Step program,
but many are too smart.
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Daily Dose of Dov
Dov is sober in SA for over 13 years. See his
story
here.
Curiosity or Lust?
ZD writes:
My life as a lust addict: I spent three hours on
my computer typing every obscenity in just "to
see" if I can bypass the filter. I actually was
able to bypass it in the end and access porn. It
was as if I needed to know that I could access
it. At that point I just went to sleep. Does
this make sense?
Dov Responds:
It's not always lust, it seems. I see it as curiosity.
I know what it feels like - from the inside, my
friend. It feels like "If I can't check it out
I'm gonna die!".... "No," you say? Then try just
not checking the filter the next three times
that you want to. Just don't, and see how it
feels. If you are like me, then you'll say to
yourself, "Of course I don't need to
look; I just want to.".
The next thing you know, the desire comes back
again and if you are lucky, you'll say to
yourself something like: "Well, if it's really
no big deal, then why is it such a big deal for
me
not to
just take this peek?! Why do I keep on trying to
get that look!?". I had one of those moments on
a train, regarding the legs of the lady sitting
in the aisle next to mine - giving the perusal
up, based on the fact that I saw it was purely
lust and not really curiosity and asking Hashem
to take it from me.... That was a watershed
sobriety moment for me... I doubt I'll ever
forget that ma'ayseh. That's when I admitted to
myself that I was in fact in some deep trouble
and need some strong medicine. Medicine like
real honesty and openness.
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|
|
836. |
Friday ~ 24 Elul,
5770 ~ September 3, 2010
Erev Shabbos Parshas Nitzavim Va'Yelech
|
|
In Today's Issue
-
Attitude Tip
of the Day:
The Addiction is in the 'Looking'
-
Torah Thought
of the Day:
Always Running
-
Sayings of the
Day:
From the 12-Step groups
Daily Dose of
Dov: "Figuring it out" never helped me.
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Attitude
Tip of the Day
The Addiction is in the 'Looking'
By "YehudasLegacy"
The most important realization for me, is what
I/we are up against. It is not the need to
masturbate that entices us to look, it is the
looking itself that is addictive, and
masturbation is merely a peak of those desires.
We desire to let our eyes feed on an image. The
best example is how we derive actual pleasure
just by looking at a woman passing by on the
street and continue to stare as she passes by.
Those few seconds are literally no different
than the first few bites into a steaming slice
of pizza which are eaten while still inhaling.
During those first bites, the mind is focused on
nothing other than that pleasure. Masturbation
is an extreme example of that because it
requires your mind to focus so intensely on an
image and imagine that you are actually doing
something to that image and that the image is
responding to what you are doing. A tremendous
amount of imaginative energy is put in to
fooling your mind you are actually there and
actually doing something. It is the ultimate
actualization of that "feeding", and to reach
that point of ecstasy you have to completely
wrap your mind around an image and let it
totally consume your conscience. The 'looking'
is what we are addicted to though, and only with
that realization did it truly dawn on me that
allowing myself to look at an image, or more
correctly to 'feed' on an image, is just as bad
as masturbating, because it is a less extreme
version of the same thing. We can
no longer convince ourselves that as long as we
are not masturbating it's not so bad. No, you
have already given in to your addiction if you
have allowed your mind to feed on an image, just
as when you have masturbated to an image.
Similar to a drug addict who cannot fool himself
into thinking, "it's not so bad, it's not a
fall, it's only a joint, it's not like I did
heroine or anything". I think we would agree
that both light and hard drugs are a fall for
someone trying to free himself from a drug
addiction. And if it's not in their mindset,
then they don't really have a chance of
recovery.
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Torah Thought
of the Day
Always Running
By "Levi"
I heard a vort from Osios d'Rabbi Akiva. Why
does the letter zayin have a crown that points
in two directions? Because baaley znus
constantly look in all directions, one direction
for lust objects, and the other direction to
make sure no one is watching them.
What horrible
stress lust addiction adds to ones life. We have
no peace and serenity, and we're always insecure
and always dissatisfied. HaShem Yirachem aleynu.
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Sayings of
the Day
From the 12-Step Groups
Easy does it, but DO it.
Fear is the darkroom where our negatives are
developed.
We can be positive that our acting-out was
negative.
Spirituality is the ability to get our minds off
ourselves.
Faith is spelled
a-c-t-i-o-n.
The first step in overcoming mistakes is to
admit them.
Sorrow is looking back, worry is looking around.
Willpower = our willingness to use a Higher
Power.
A journey of a 1,000 miles begins with the first
step.
Be as enthusiastic about recovery as you were
about your acting-out.
Trying to pray is praying.
Humility is
our acceptance of ourselves.
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Daily Dose of Dov
Dov is sober in SA for over 13 years. See his
story
here.
"Figuring it out" never helped me.
Dov responds to the quote from "YehudahsLegacy"
above:
I do not argue with anything in this quote,
basically agreeing with it all, but I know of
not one addict who ever permanently "stopped
himself" from using his/her drug because of any
reason or attitude. In every successful case I
know, it was a process of surrender and they
know that a Higher
Power did
it for them - and keeps doing
it for them. So, taking that power and credit
into our own hand is probably suicidal simply
because it's a lie. And lying (actively or
passively) is the bedrock of addictive behavior.
And the same goes for guilt - I know of no
addict who got sober,
from guilt. Quit? Yes - many times,
but not sober.
Even though I of course sense his sincerity, the
kind of talk in the quote is so easy to hear
almost every time one goes to an AA/SA (etc.)
meeting. It can usually be heard out of the
mouths of the guys who have been attending for
one or two meetings.
Those who have not yet been sober for a month,
or maybe even a day, often have it 'all figured
out'. Preaching and philosophizing to anyone -
even correctly - never really helped me at all.
And I doubt it helped the other folks who heard
it, either. The answer for me and those I know,
may not to
be found in finally "understanding" the
underlying roots of our problem, but in the acceptance of
that understanding, I guess. Now that's a
precious gift to get.
Action speaks much louder than words, especially
in recovery. Luckily, action doesn't have to
mean anything like perfection!
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|
|
837. |
Sunday ~ 26 Elul,
5770 ~ September 5, 2010
|
|
In Today's Issue
-
Attitude Tip
of the Day:
Our Potential
-
Sayings of the
Day:
From the 12-Step groups
Daily Dose of
Dov 1: Torah is the Goal, Recovery is the
Door
Daily Dose of
Dov 2: SLIP =
Sobriety
Loses
It's
Priority
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Attitude
Tip of the Day
Our Potential
The Rambam is famously quoted as saying that
every person has the potential to become like
Moshe Rabbeinu. But compare that with
a piece taken out of a shmuz given by Rav Shlomo
Freifeld Ztz'l:
"The Chovos Halevavos says that there is a
cheshbon hanefesh, a way of introspection, "al
mah sheyeish biy'cholto mima'aseh ha'avodah (on
what is in his ability to do in his service of
Hashem)." A person should ask himself, he should
think and question, he should take stock of who
and where he is regarding his avodah, his
serving the Almighty. He should ask himself
honest questions. What can I do? What is
available to me? What are my abilities? What is
realistic for me? A person can wake up in the
morning and say that he is going to be the next
Chofetz Chaim, but that's just self-deception,
It's not realistic. The Chovos Halevavos tells
us to be realistic. Where am I? What's my
situation, my predicament? What can I accomplish
in my avodah?"
So is Rabbeinu Bachya arguing with the Rambam?
Do we, or do we not, have the potential to
become like the Chofetz Chaim / Moshe Rabbeinu?
We do. Just not today. Today we have only the
potential to become..... OURSELVES. If we keep
doing our hishtadlus according to where we are
holding, then our potential will keep rising and
we will rise along with it. Our potential can
expand to amazing levels. We just need a little
patience. Hashem is happy with us doing what we
can. We should also be!
Taken from the "Chizzuk
For College" e-mail list. To sign up,
send an email to chizzuk4college@gmail.com with
the word "subscribe" in the subject line.
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Sayings of
the Day
From the 12-Step Groups
When all else fails, follow directions.
Count your blessings.
Let go of old ideas.
Try to replace guilt with gratitude.
Change is a process, not an event.
Call your sponsor before, not after, you start
acting-out.
It's the first sip that gets us drunk.
To keep it, you have to give it away.
The price for serenity and sanity is
self-sacrifice.
Help is only a phone call away.
Half measures availed us nothing.
Anger is but
one letter away from danger.
One time is too many and a thousand never
enough.
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Daily Doses of Dov
Dov is sober in SA for over 13 years. See his
story
here.
Torah is the Goal, Recovery is the Door
Even some things that are technically by
definition "Good" (like Torah and Teshuva) can cause
problems if not used according to the Owner's
manual. And in my opinion, the ultimate rule of
the "Owner's manual" is: if
it actually results in me finally living a sane
and useful life.
Hashem defined a sane and useful life in the
Torah, but the Torah needs common sense to make
it actually lead to sane and useful living. We
need Derech Eretz before we can really have
Torah.
Disclaimer: The
following paragraph may not apply to recovery by
RR, Psychodrama, Hypnosis, will-power, or any
other recovery method. It may only be relevant
to 12 steps brand, ok?):
To me, recovery
(I mean 12 steps, now) ends where Torah begins.
It is a prerequisite and a partner with Torah,
like Derech Eretz and sanity. Just like much of
Derech Eretz is found in the Torah (as in "limaid
l'cho hakosuv Derech Eretz"), much of basic
recovery concepts are found in the Torah. Yet
neither are the same as "Torah". "Torah" refers
to the goal -
attaching to and accomplishing Hashem's Will. Recovery (per
how I understand the 12 steps) is the door, for
people who are ill and
cannot just walk in (as everybody else seems to
be able to). Like me.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Slip =
Sobriety Loses It's Priority
Someone wrote:
Although I am clean just three weeks, I feel
like this whole tumah thing is a million miles
away. Like it was just a bad dream. I try to
imagine it and I think to myself, "what, I did
such things?". So I guess I am ripe for the
Yetzer Hara to catch me of guard . Please advise.
Dov replies:
It never ceases to amaze me how my entire
perspective - my entire reality - can change
drastically, should I lust. There is no regard
for how long I
may have been sober, nor for how "sober I
feel"... It can all change in a shocking way.
"Slip" stands for Sobriety Loses It's Priority.
The priority doesn't change just because I seem
to be better.
It sounds like
you do not want to be a korban on the mizbayach
of "the recovered". I say, "Good for you!" I
have seen enough well-meaning guys lose it all
after getting smug, and I wish to have no part
in it.
Practically
speaking, this little guy advises: Consider
working the steps with a sponsor, if that is the
derech you choose. If not, then at least adhere
to whatever derech you want, but for G-d's sake,
do something,
and do it
all the way. And keep it "one-day-at-a-time.
|
|
|
838. |
Monday ~ 27 Elul,
5770 ~ September 6, 2010
|
|
In Today's Issue
-
Attitude Tip
of the Day:
The Biggest Obstacle to Teshuvah
-
Link of the
Day: The King's Coffers: Walk right in!
-
Sayings of the
Day:
From the 12-Step groups
Daily Dose of
Dov 1: I'll Fall Tomorrow
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Attitude
Tip of the Day
The Biggest Obstacle to Teshuvah
"Rabbeinu Yonah discusses various barriers to
teshuva in Sha'arei Teshuva. But perhaps the
greatest barrier most of us experience is a lack
of belief in our capacity to change"... Yonason
Rosenblum
Just about anyone who acts sexually addictive
has made some attempt to stop. It might have
been only for a day, but they tried - and they
failed. If you've tried to overcome sex
addiction before and weren't able to, the
biggest barrier to your success is believing you
cannot succeed.
Let's imagine you wanted to teach a kid how to
ride a bike. You've taught lots of kids and
you're sure this kid can make it. He doesn't
believe he can. He tried to learn before but was
not taught correctly. Now he's sick and tired of
failing. You know that the only thing holding
him back is his belief that he can't do it.
Let's change the problem from learning to ride a
bike to learning how to overcome sexual
addiction. Remember that the kid felt hopeless
because of his past mistakes. This same problem
can become your biggest obstacle to success.
But, you are not doomed to failure. A good
counselor can help you identify those mistakes
and help you correct them before they get in
your way.
But what if you don't believe that you can
correct your mistakes? Ask yourself this
question: What if I'm wrong? What if my
situation isn't hopeless? What if I really can
overcome my addiction?
Here's what it takes to overcome sexual
addiction:
-
Free will
-
Knowledge
-
Hard work.
Good counseling will provide you the knowledge.
Good counseling will also help motivate you to
make the free will choice to stop. Providing the
effort is up to you. Just like the kid who can
learn to ride the bike if he makes the effort,
you can overcome sexual addiction, once your
efforts are properly guided.
Don't let past failures defeat you. Learn from
them. Don't give in to hopelessness. Use it to
build motivation.
The first obstacle to overcoming sex addiction
is not in your genes, your childhood or your
environment. The first obstacle is the decision
not to try. If you're willing to make the
effort, good counseling can guide you to
success. The decision to make the effort and
find the right guidance doesn't apply only to
sexual addiction. It applies to accomplishing
anything.
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Sayings of
the Day
From the 12-Step Groups
No pain, no gain.
Just for today.
Before you say I can't, say I'll try.
Don't quit before
the miracle happens.
Practice an attitude of gratitude.
Decisions aren't forever.
Use the 24-hour plan.
Stay sober for yourself.
Remember that addiction is incurable,
progressive, and fatal.
Have a good day, unless of course you have
made other plans.
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Daily Doses of Dov
Dov is sober in SA for over 13 years. See his
story
here
"I'll Fall Tomorrow"
"Truth11" wrote:
A few weeks ago I told myself that "I want out
of this" - I just can't handle going through
this all the time and I need to get help.
Ironically, just saying that to myself, i.e.
giving up in my own mind, helped me out a lot,
as I felt relieved. Almost for the first time in
so long, I was being honest to someone - which
ended up being myself. For the past two weeks I
have been doing a lot of reading with the
handbooks, forum threads, 90 day charts etc...
And I honestly feel better just by being able to
associate with people who understand and who
have gone through similar challenges. I am
trying to take things one day at a time, but I
am desperately seeking advice on how to proceed
slowly but diligently. I am still afraid that
any day now I may fall.
Dov Replies:
Your post was a pleasure to read. Please
consider taking it slow and taking it easy. We
probably cannot even afford to give those
natural worries about falling
in the future the
time of day. In fact, I'd be just fine living
another 50 years with the daily guarantee that
"I'll fall tomorrow"...
as long as it's always today,
I'd have nothing to be afraid of! And I'm
serious. As far as I am concerned, it's only about
living right today, and it's Hashem's business
to make tomorrow work out just fine. (At least
for Him that makes sense, cuz for Him it's already tomorrow!
:-)
|
|
|
839. |
Tuesday ~ 28 Elul,
5770 ~ September 7, 2010
|
|
In Today's Issue
-
Announcement:
Zeva's Group
Starts Tonight
-
Practical Tip
+ Attitude Tip: What counts is what I do
afterwards
-
Sayings of the
Day:
From the 12-Step groups
Daily Dose of
Dov: Our main issue is not just an "eye
problem"
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Announcement:
Zeva's Group
Starts TONIGHT
Fighting Seduction
By Zeva Citronnenbaum
Rabbi Ephraim Wachsman gave a speech recently,
talking about how one can work on the brain and
heart respectively for the upcoming new year. He
based his analogy on the story of Dina, having
to be dragged out of Shchems house. Why did she
have to be DRAGGED? Dina grew up in the house of
Yaccov, our father. Her brothers were the
Shivtei Kah. Why wouldn't she want to leave the
house of Shcem ben Chamor to go back to Yaccov
Aveinu's house? Would she rather be with Bill,
Vito and Joey? He suggests that there's a
certain strength, a "koach niflah" that works on
a person called "pituy", seduction. It says,
"and he spoke to the girl's heart", when one
gets hold of one's heart it is practically
impossible to escape from it because PITUY is
very, very strong. He quoted Rav Yeruchem
saying, "when the heart is seduced, all is
forgotten".
It's time to fight back. The golus we are in
now is compared to Shechem - the source of pituy
halev, the seduction of the heart.
This seduction draws one in to chen and yofi, a
world of supposed beauty and pleasantness. But
just as Rabbi Akiva gave his life before neilla
on Yom kippur to give his heart to the creator,
we have to think about our own hearts.
Addiction drags us in to what looks like beauty,
and chen. We have to drag ourselves out.
Zeva's group starts this Tuesday night,
before the New Year.
It's not easy to make a commitment to fight that
seduction of the heart. "Being aware" is the
first step. Make the commitment for the New
Year, get accountable, and join the group with
an expert in this addiction.
Pituy halev is really an imaginary
enjoyment. Remember, it creates an effect where
all is forgotten, we can't think straight. Join
our group, drag yourself out and fight
back! It's not easy, but it's worthwhile. We
look forward to
hearing from you right away. Save yourself,
come back to the house of Yaakov, for isn't that
where you belong?
We are embarking on a 10 session cycle.
-
Start the New Year with learning great Self
Development Skills, proven to work.
-
Access your true Potential and Essence in
cleaning your neshama and keeping it clean
for the upcoming year.
-
Learn to Deal with Life's Challenges, on a
day to day basis
-
Set yourself on the Path of true growth
-
Learn to have Powerful and Improved with
relationships with yourself and others.
-
Say "Yes" with integrity and "No" with
confidence, (especially to the addiction).
-
Many testimonials and satisfied Alumni
-
Classes are experiential, and all skills are
integrated during class time.
-
One hour a week to freedom from addiction,
it's just a click away.
-
Classes run by Expert LCSWR CSAT
-
If not now,
When?
Happy HEALTHY New year to all,
Zeva Citronenbaum LCSWR CSAT
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Practical
Tip + Attitude Tip
What counts is what I do
afterwards
By
Eye.Nonymous
I had a slip recently and I decided to turn my
K9 into a white-list filter! I admit it's a
crutch, but I need crutches at this point.
How did I make K9 into a white-list filter? I
added COM and NET and ORG into the blocked
keyword list. If there's any site I need to use
(and there are truly very few sites I really
need to use), I can add it to the list of
website exceptions to allow.
At first I was a bit depressed about trying to
find p*rn on my computer a few days before Rosh
Hashanah. But then I thought, what really
counts is what I do afterwards.
My general approach NOW is to be on the lookout
for pitfalls, and do my best to remove them, and
as soon as possible. That's a pretty good plan
to show up in front of Hashem with.
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Sayings of
the Day
From the 12-Step Groups
If God seems far away, who moved?
No situation is so bad that a little lusting
won't make it worse.
We are only as sick as our secrets.
Be part of the solution, not the problem.
I can't handle it God; you take over.
Willingness is the key.
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Daily Doses of Dov
Dov is sober in SA for over 13 years. See his
story
here.
Our main issue is not just an "eye problem"
Truth11 writes:
I take the subway in the city every day and it's
soo hard not to let the eyes wander around. I
try taking a sefer around with me, but let's
just say - thank G-d I need glasses, b/c I
usually just take them off, but other times I
get lazy. Oy tough.
Dov Replies:
You are in the subway and having a hard time
with the eyes. I understand - was on the subway
in NY a bunch a week ago and had the same
problem. One essential thing for me to remember
is this: Thank G-d the problem on the subway (or
anywhere) is not really
the stuff that's there to see. It's lust. My lust.
Now, as all of us
know, seeing schmutz isn't good for us, and intentionally looking
at pritzus will trigger
a powerful lust reaction in us - but if we are
not doing what we need to, to be free of lust
and attached to reality (Hashem's Will for us),
then even women who are dressed
b'tziyus will be an insurmountable problem for
us and lead to rotting on the inside and
eventually lead us right back to the porn and
masturbation.
So we need to ask
ourselves, what do I really want? To "just be
able to get to work and back without going
crazy"... is that all? Is that really the
only thing that needs to go for your life to be
manageable? Surely that attitude is why we
always stayed in that nasty loop of "falling"
for years... We kept reacting to the immediate
issue so
we'd never have to admit that we had a broad,
basic problem that requires broad, basic change.
So, if a guy here
says that custody of his eyes doesn't matter
to him, I'd say he's a fool. But I pity the
cyclical fallers who look at their main issue as
an eye-problem. And to them I wish a hearty
good-luck!
You don't sound
like a purely
eye-problem kind
of guy, but felt like you'd appreciate this
thought anyway. Hatzlocha!!
|
|
|
840. |
Wednesday ~ 29
Elul, 5770 ~ September 8, 2010
Erev Rosh Hashana
|
|
In Today's Issue
-
Our Yearly
Appeal: A
Tremendous Merit for Yom Hadin!
-
Testimonials:
Two E-Mails Received Yesterday
-
Practical Tip
of the Day: Wow, these guys take Shmiras
Ainayim Seriously!
-
Sayings of the
Day:
From the 12-Step groups
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Wishing the entire GYE community a Ksiva
Vachasimah Tova and a CLEAN and SERENE new year!
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Our Yearly
Appeal:
A Tremendous Merit for Yom-Hadin!
Rabbosai, GYE makes a
once-a-year
appeal during Aseres Yimei Teshuvah. Can
there be a greater zechus than to enter into the
Yimei Hadin with the merit of being a partner in
enabling thousands of other Jews to do Teshuvah?
Midah Kineged Midah - if we are doing our best
to help others who struggle, Hashem will look
favorably upon our Teshuvah efforts and help us
too!
In the past 3 months, my partner and I made
three fund-raising trips on behalf of GYE to
raise our budget for the "Expansion
Plan 2010". However, we are still far from
the budget we need to raise to take our work to
the next level.
We have a
commitment from one donor for $50,000 on
condition we find 3 other matchers, i.e. to
raise three times that amount on our own. We are
hoping that the GYE community can be
one of
the matchers and help us raise $50,000.
If each of our
1,600 members donate just $36, we can reach this
amount!
EVERY DOLLAR YOU DONATE IS
WORTH THREE!
Please help
us reach our goal.
We
encourage everyone to listen to these two short
audio clips.
(To download the files, right-click and choose
"Save Target/Link As")
Audio clip of Rav Aharon Feldman
(38 sec)
"This is a churban in the Kedusha of Klal
Yisrael, it's so widespread... By supporting
this organization - it's not an organization -
it's a movement; it's actually the only
weapon we have at our disposal."
- Rav Aharon Feldman
Audio clip of Rabbi Avraham J. Twerski
(32 sec)
"I don't know that there's ever been a more
serious problem in Klal Yisrael's Kedusha than
that which we have now. And the only weapon we
have against it, the only one, is
GuardYourEyes. And that's why it's a Pikuach
Nefesh."
- Rabbi Avraham J. Twerski
Please use the PayPal options on the right side
of our website
www.guardyoureyes.org to donate whatever you
can.
You can use the "Monthly Donations" option to
spread your donation out if it's easier for you
that way.
(Note: If you use this option and you don't
enter the number of months in the 'monthly
donations' option, it will continue indefinitely
until you cancel).
GYE is
501(c)(3) and you can get a tax deduction on
your donation.
Our EIN is: 27-1505885
Checks can be made out to 'GYE
Corp.' and mailed to our U.S address:
GYE Corp.
P.O. Box 32380
Pikesville, MD 21282
U.S.A
Tizke Lemitzvos!
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Testimonials
Two e-mails
received yesterday:
"Shlomo" wrote:
Dear
Guard,
I
wanted to wish you a K'sivah V'Chasimah
Tovah. As I reflect on Rosh Hashanah I
am filled with Hakoras Hatov. B'H, look
what a year could bring. Last year at
this time, I didn't know much about GYE,
I didn't know much about the 12 steps, I
didn't know Duvid Chaim and I didn't
know about meaningful recovery. Thanks
to your great organization and the
incredible work that you do, I have so
much to be thankful for. May you
continue to see pairos from all your
efforts. Not only are touching our
lives, through each one of us, you are
impacting the lives of our families and
those that are close to us.
Tizkeh
Lmitzvos and thank you so much.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Yosef Hatzadik" wrote:
As we prepare to exit the year 5770, it
is a time to make a reckoning of how the
year passed. How it started with guilt &
regret for all the garbage I was living
in, along hopes and prayers for Hashem
to help me get out of it. The format was
exactly the same as the year before, and
the year before that, and the year
before that.....
The year 5770 turned out differently
though! The year 5770 was the year that
Hashem showed me his mercy. It is the
year that, on 20 Teves, Hashem led me
to the great and holy Guard Your Eyes
Kehilla!!! This is the year that the
shackles binding me began to loosen!
This is the year that I learned what it
means to have Emunah in Hashem! (I am
still very very far from it, but I am
beginning to learn what it means. I see
the light at the end of the tunnel. It
is far away, but already in sight!)
Now, as the year draws to a close, it is
an opportune time to express
appreciation & gratitude to GYE, who
acted as Hashem's shelichim in leading &
prodding me along the proper path!
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Practical Tip
of the Day
Wow, these guys take Shmiras Ainayim seriously!
From an
article on
Matzav.com
The pre-Rosh
Hashanah wave
of visitors to the town of Uman in Ukraine
peaked on Monday as around 9,000 boarded 50
flights from Ben-Gurion International Airport.
Another 5,500 people
will travel to Ukraine today on 28 flights to
visit the kever of
Rav Nachman of Breslov. Overall, some 18,000
Breslover chassidim and
others will travel to spend Rosh
Hashanah in
Uman.
It is 200 years since the petirah of
Rav Nachman.
"We smile all the way to Uman," was written in a
leaflet distributed in Bnei Brak. It was meant
to encourage people to cover their eyes with
scarves against "forbidden sights."
"Support for flights without movies" is the name
of a small group that several years ago
encouraged frum travelers
not to take regular flights unless they had
cardboard that could cover the screens on the
airplane seats in front of them.
This year the idea caught on that immodest
sights may also be a threat outside the airplane
- in the airport terminal, for example. So
people are being encouraged to bring scarves
along.
"In any cloth shop, ask for a thin lycra cloth
70 cm wide (blue, brown or black ) costing about
20 NIS," reads one instruction. "It needs to be
about 1.5 meters long ... which is necessary so
it will sit well and not flow in the wind."
The leaflet notes that even if people laugh at
someone wearing the scarf on his face, those
covering their eyes "will be rewarded a thousand
fold."
In a telephone interview from Uman, one visitor
named Avinoam added: "It may sound ridiculous to
you, but it has been more successful than
expected. I recommend that you try it."
This is a little extreme, so here's GYE's
suggestion: For difficult places, purchase
sun-glasses and cover the inside of the lenses
with non-see-through transparent lamination
paper. This allows us to see vague outlines, but
not things we shouldn't. (And no one will look
at us as if we fell off the moon!)
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Sayings of
the Day
From the 12-Step Groups
Easy does it.
First things
first.
One day at
time.
Let go and
let God.
Act as if.
This, too,
shall pass.
Expect
miracles.
I can't, He
can, I think I'll let Him (Steps 1,2,3).
Stick with
the winners.
Keep on
trudgin.'
Sobriety is a
journey, not a destination.
Faith without
works is dead.
To thine own
self be true.
Live in the
NOW.
|
|
|
841. |
Sunday ~ 4 Tishrei,
5771 ~ September 12, 2010
Tzom Gedalia
|
|
In Today's Issue
-
Our Yearly
Appeal: Every
$125 can save another Yid!
-
Story /
Testimonial: 90 Days; One Hour at a Time
-
Attitude Tip
of the Day: What causes the R.I.D?
-
Daily Dose of
Dov: The steps are to help me be useful.
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Our Yearly
Appeal:
Every $125 can save another Yid!
Here are the
donations that have come in so far:
$150
- L.W $67 - M.P $100 - B.F $36 -
M.S
$18 - A.S $36 - Y.M $500
- M.R $36 - I.K
$52 - B.S $18 - C.R $36 - A.K $36 -
J.R
$50 - D.S $36 - A.K $36 - P.G $36 -
C.S
$200
- J.F $36 - J.L $11 - M.L $400
- A.A
$1,890
-
Total
so far
Our statistics
over the past 3 years show, that in relation to
our overall budget and the amount of people we
have helped, it takes about $125 to help one Yid
change their life around!
(In contrast to
regular Kiruv work, where statistics show it
takes over $10,000 to make a Bal-Teshuvah from A
to Z!)
GYE makes a
once-a-year
appeal during Aseres Yimei Teshuvah. Can
there be a greater zechus for the Yamim Nora'im
than the merit of being a partner in enabling
thousands of other Jews to do Teshuvah?
In the past 3
months, we have made three fund-raising trips on
behalf of GYE to raise our budget for the "Expansion
Plan 2010". However, we are still far from
the budget we need to raise to take our work to
the next level.
We have a
commitment from one donor for $50,000 on
condition we find 3 other matchers, i.e. to
raise three times that amount on our own. We are
hoping that the GYE community can be
one of
the matchers and help us raise $50,000.
Please donate
whatever you can.
EVERY DOLLAR IS
WORTH THREE!
Please help us
reach our goal.
We encourage everyone to listen to these two
short audio clips.
(To download
the files, right-click and choose "Save
Target/Link As")
Audio clip of Rav Aharon Feldman
(38 sec)
"This is a churban in the Kedusha of Klal
Yisrael, it's so widespread... By supporting
this organization - it's not an organization -
it's a movement; it's actually the only
weapon we have at our disposal."
- Rav Aharon
Feldman
Audio clip of Rabbi Avraham J. Twerski
(32 sec)
"I
don't know that there's ever been a more serious
problem in Klal Yisrael's Kedusha than that
which we have now. And the only weapon we have
against it, the only one, is
GuardYourEyes. And that's why it's a Pikuach
Nefesh."
- Rabbi Avraham
J. Twerski
Please use the PayPal options on the right side
of our website
www.guardyoureyes.org to donate whatever you
can.
You can use the "Monthly Donations" option to
spread your donation out, if that's easier for
you.
(Note: If you use the 'Monthly Donations' option
and you don't enter the number of months, it
will continue indefinitely until you cancel).
GYE is a
recognized
501(c)(3) organization and donations to us
are tax deductible.
Checks can be made
out to 'GYE
Corp.' and mailed to our U.S address:
GYE Corp.
P.O. Box 32380
Pikesville, MD 21282
U.S.A
Tizke Lemitzvos!
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Story / Testimonial
90
Days; One Hour at a Time
"Loi-miyaeish"
(a bachur) wrote today on the forum:
BARUCH SHECHAYANU VEKIYAMANU VEHIGIYONU LAZMAN
HAZEH! Guys, I'm overwhelmed with emotion. I
reached 90 days this Rosh Hashana! But there
again, without Hashem's help, it would not have
been possible. For over a year, I've been
working on my Yetzer Hara, to take it apart
piece by piece, but I never made it yet to
ninety. This Elul's just been the best in my
life. More than one person has said to me
recently, "you know, you just look so happy"
without knowing why. Yes, I do always have a
smile on my face, but they could feel the true
joy; the after-effects of someone having sweet
victories.
My
story starts many years ago as a young kid, when
lust became a issue and I sled down the slippery
path that many others have taken; lust, porn,
mast. and other addictive behaviors. That was
all till over a year ago, when I found GYE on my
web browser on my cell phone (that's where I had
internet access from). At the beginning, I read
a bit of the stuff there and decided that I just
could not make it. But last summer vacation - in
my desperation, I finally became a member of
GYE. I used to read every chizuk email through
and through. By Sukkos I had already reached
almost sixty. But being back home brought back
the old feelings and I really began to feel
down. I fell worse than ever before, I began to
mast. more often, etc.. When I returned to
Israel, I tried again twice, but kept on
falling. I eventually began to give up on the
idea, and decided to just do 'one day at a
time'. But with open internet on my phone, I was
always very vulnerable to the Yetzer Hara. I
tried going to therapy, but I didn't enjoy it
too much (I hate psychology). It reached a point
where I realized that I have to get rid of
internet access, so I asked a friend to keep my
phone for me. Letting go of my smart phone was
not easy, it was terribly difficult, but in
retrospect, it was the best move and the first
stage of my recovery.
When
I left GYE (for lack of internet access), a
tzaddik from the GYE forum who calls himself "Silentbattle"
kept in contact with me by phone. He was really
wonderful and kept encouraging me. But I could
just not part from my friend called 'lust'. I
would listen to inappropriate phone chats and do
everything besides for porn on the net. I was
still badly addicted. For a period, I lost
contact with Silentbattle. But in Iyar, I
reconnected with him by phone. He convinced me
to try and stop the other stuff I'd been doing,
and I've been clean from that ever since. But
from mast. I could just not stop. I fell again
after fifteen days.
In
Tammuz, I got a new push. I'd been in shidduchim
for over half a year and nothing doing.
Silentbattle told me that not long after
completing ninety days he got engaged, so I
decided that I'd give it a try too. Another
important thing he told me was to fight off the
Yetzer Hara - not one day at a time - but one
hour at a time. Now the y"h didn't
have very much to reply to that. One hour?,
c'mon, that I could handle. Those
'one hours' turned into days and finally months.
B"h, the second day of Rosh Hashana was day
ninety. Isn't that amazing? And the same hour
that I completed ninety days, I was celebrating
another family simcha. The l'chaim was for a
double simcha!
Yes,
it took me over a year, but I think it was
helpful for me to learn to stop things gradually
and not in one fell swoop; it became a 'kinyan'
and B"H my days today are almost entirely
lust-free. B"H I've really been feeling happier.
So
chevra, I am known on the forum as "loi-miyaeish"
(never despair) and B"H I got to ninety. The
lesson is: "Al
tisyaeish" (never despair) guys!
I'm
grateful to GYE forever for being there from the
start of my journey. Good luck holy Jews, and
may you all have a G'mar chasimah tovah for a
year of only goodness and happiness in life.
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Attitude Tip of the
Day
What causes the R.I.D?
By Eye.Nonymous
I've been having UPS and DOWNS and UPS and
DOWNS. I had a few days when I was really taking
some lustful looks at people I shouldn't be
looking at.
I've been thinking about "WHY?"
As
Duvid Chaimalways says (from the
Big-Book), we're
all fueled by our R.I.D--Restlessness,
Irritability, and Discontent. That's what makes
us escape to our "drug of choice"; to our
pain-killer.
But, underneath
that is EGO. It's only because we're
egotistical, we want everything to go our
way, that we end up filling up with
R.I.D.
So it's been
helping me somewhat to look at each situation
and realize "here's R.I.D because of THIS,
here's R.I.D because of THAT". I've been
disarming each situation as it arises.
BUT sometimes I
feel like I'm standing on the seashore in the
middle of a hurricane. I keep getting knocked
over by waves of R.I.D.
So I've started
looking a little deeper. I am operating on EGO.
It's not as obvious as it was before, but there
MUST be some EGO underlying all my interactions.
Otherwise I shouldn't be getting R.I.D over and
over again. So I'm looking deeper for it now.
I'm trying to replace it with HUMILITY.
It's a new realization, but I think it can make
a big difference in my life.
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Daily Dose of Dov
Dov
is sober in SA for over 13 years. See his story
here.
The steps are to help me be 'useful'
Someone asks Dov:
Everyone keeps mentioning how they "work" the
steps everyday. Can I have specific instructions
on how that is done every day?
I know the steps and try to work em, but clearly
I don't get it...
Dov
Replies:
Working the steps is exactly what it sounds
like. First we need to work through them in a
concerted way, with other recovering people who
have worked them successfully as part of their
sobriety for a while.
Once
we work through them in a deep way over a period
of a few weeks or months, most people can begin
to use them in daily life and grow like weeds.
In the meantime, we stay sober. Working and
using the steps is what many folks find is
necessary if they are to remain sober. Life gets
too uncomfortable without the steps. It doesn't
work very well, either, which leads to acting
out for addicts.
Of
course, even with step-work, since I am an
addict I need no particular excuse or
discomfort to act out and destroy my life... I
desperately need G-d to allow and help me stay
sober today....It's just that an addict like me,
trying to go through my life without using
the steps is like driving with my eyes closed.
Just plain stupid.
In
my case, I had to be part of a "program" or
"fellowship" - something bigger than myself. And
I had to be involved in some kind of progressive
work - otherwise 'my same old struggle' returned
eventually and I landed on my @$$, sooner or
later.
Do
you do ALL 12 steps every day? Do you review
them every day, or do you "work them"?
In general, I do not see the steps as the way
to not act out or to get sober,
rather, I see them as a way to be let into a new
motivation for living and become able to stay sober.
And even that is only a daily reprieve -
because I never get the power to stay sober. I
get a miracle - a freebie from Hashem, called
'today's sobriety'. That's how I read the
book and how my sponsor's sobriety works. And it
has worked for me so far, thank G-d.
So, to try and respond to your question, I'd
suggest that the steps be used to grow up. That
means that they are used as needed, some in
order, some out of order, some in writing, some
verbally - with little tefillos attached to
them, some one day, some another day. But none
of them can be worked completely by ourselves
(without other sick people to help me); none can
be worked without recognizing my dependence on
Hashem's assistance to work that very step;
and none are there merely for me to feel
better/be happy... They are there to help me be
useful (for a change) rather than abandoning my
sanity and my life to lust. Cuz that is what
lust does to me, so I cannot afford to act out.
If I still see lust as a thing I can
afford, then I must have forgotten - or never
did - my first step, period.
|
|
|
842. |
Monday ~ 5 Tishrei,
5771 ~ September 13, 2010
|
|
In Today's Issue
-
Our Yearly
Appeal: Be a
partner in the Hatzala of Klal Yisrael's Kedusha!
-
Testimonial of
the Day: Is the Battle Lost?
-
Link of the
Day: Everyone Falls
-
Daily Dose of
Dov: "Growing" is the focus, not
"Fighting Lust"
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Our Yearly
Appeal:
Be a partner in the Hatzala of Klal Yisrael's
Kedusha!
For the
important causes of Kiruv, Torah, Chesed,
Poverty, etc. there are
thousands of organizations. For the
hatzala of the kedusha of klal Yisrael,
there is only
one: GuardYourEyes.
Here are the donations that have come
in so far:
150 -
L.W 67 - M.P 100
- B.F 36 - M.S
18 - A.S 36 - Y.M 500
- M.R 36 - I.K
52 - B.S 18 - C.R 36 - A.K 36 - J.R
50 - D.S 36 - A.K 36 - P.G 36 - C.S
200 -
J.F 36 - J.L 11 - M.L 400
- A.A
150 -
C.F 36 - R.A 18 - S.B 36 - E.S
10 - J.M 100
- M.D 180
- N.W
$2,420
-
Total
so far
We
encourage everyone to listen to these two short
audio clips.
(To download the files, right-click and choose
"Save Target/Link As")
Audio clip of Rav Aharon Feldman
(38 sec)
"This is a churban in the Kedusha of Klal
Yisrael, it's so widespread... By supporting
this organization - it's not an organization -
it's a movement; it's actually the only
weapon we have at our disposal."
- Rav Aharon Feldman
Audio clip of Rabbi Avraham J. Twerski
(32 sec)
"I don't know that there's ever been a more
serious problem in Klal Yisrael's Kedusha than
that which we have now. And the only weapon we
have against it, the only one, is
GuardYourEyes. And that's why it's a Pikuach
Nefesh."
- Rabbi Avraham J. Twerski
GYE makes a
once-a-year appeal during Aseres Yimei
Teshuvah. Can there be a greater zechus for the
Yamim Nora'im than the merit of being a partner
in enabling thousands of other Jews to do
Teshuvah?
In the past 3 months, we have made three
fund-raising trips on behalf of GYE to raise our
budget for the "Expansion
Plan 2010". However, we are still far from
the budget we need to raise to take our work to
the next level.
We have a
commitment from one donor for $50,000 on
condition we find 3 other matchers, i.e. to
raise three times that amount on our own. We are
hoping that the GYE community can be
one of
the matchers and help us raise $50,000.
Please donate
whatever you can.
EVERY DOLLAR IS
WORTH THREE!
Please help
us reach our goal.
Please use the PayPal options on the right side
of our website
www.guardyoureyes.org to donate whatever you
can.
You can use the "Monthly Donations" option to
spread your donation out, if that's easier for
you.
(Note: If you use the 'Monthly Donations' option
and you don't enter the number of months, it
will continue indefinitely until you cancel).
GYE is a recognized
501(c)(3) organization and donations to us
are tax deductible.
Checks can be
made out to 'GYE
Corp.' and mailed to our U.S address:
GYE Corp.
P.O. Box 32380
Pikesville, MD 21282
U.S.A
Tizke Lemitzvos!
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Testimonial of the Day
Is the Battle Lost?
There was a recent article in the Mishpacha
dealing with the terrible nisyonos of the
internet. It was called "Is the Battle Lost?".
Click here to download the article. One of
our members (known as "Yurojew") sent in the
following reply to Mishpacha, which we hope they
will publish:
Kudos to Rabbi Weinrib for writing about the
nisyanos of the internet
"yet again." In
response to Rabbi Weinrib's question "Is the
battle
lost?" I would answer a resounding "No." How
can I be so confident?
Because I am one
of the many balabatim who has been nichshal from
the
nisayon of the internet. But happily I can say,
that with Hashem's help, I
found hope and
the ammunition to fight this battle in the form
of the
website, guardyoureyes.com.
The founders of this wonderful website
are literally
saving Klal Yisroel's nishomos and turning the
tide in
the battle. The website offers an arsenal of
weapons with which to
fight the Yetzer
Hara in this battle for our souls. To list all
of the
benefits in a short letter to the editor would
not do the
marvelous work of this website justice (Mishpacha
would be
well-advised to devote an entire article to the
site). I will however
write a few.
First, the site provides an anonymous forum in
which users can
seek advice and discuss their problems. In
contrast
to the nisayon of shemiras shabbos which our
grandparents fought out
in the streets,
the battle of the nisyanos on the internet takes
place in
the privacy of one's home or office. The shame
in admitting that a
person has a
problem even to a Rov, makes the nisayon all the
more
harder. By providing anonymity, the site
overcomes this major hurdle.
Moreover, people
that were nichshal see that they are not alone
and that
there is hope in overcoming this yetzer no
matter how long they
have been
nichshal and no matter how low a person thinks
he may have
sunk. Second, the
site has a comprehensive downloadable handbook
with
practical real-life eitzos on how to overcome
this nisayon. Third, it
provides daily
chizuk emails to help those struggling with the
nisayon. Fourth,
there are daily anonymous phone conferences run
by members
who understand the nisayon (they've been there
themselves but
have worked their
way clean), where users can interact with fellow
members to
discuss their day-to-day issues and steps to
avoid further
michsholim. I can
go on.
Suffice it to say that since I joined the
site,
my life and my
marriage have all improved for the better and I
feel for
the first time that I can approach the Yemei Din
with having taken
a concrete step
for change.
If you have ever been nichshal in the
nisyanos of the
internet, I urge you to visit this site. Your
life will
never be the same.
Signed, An
anonymous member of GYE
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Link of the Day
Everyone Falls
A powerful video clip from Aish.com, which
shares a very important perspective to maintain
in this struggle!
Important note: If your filter blocks YouTube
(it should!) then you can only see this video
clip if you click on the "Download" button under
where the video should have appeared.
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Daily Dose of Dov
Dov is sober in SA for over 13 years. See his
story
here.
"Growing" is the focus, not "Fighting Lust"
The only benefit
you will get from the program is from working it
yourself. Step-study is fun, but practically
useless. In fact, it can be poison, if it gives
one the perception that they are "working these
steps"... no, they are only thinking about
working them - not working them.
Like a lot of things, what we get out of it
depends exactly on what we put into it. Not on
what we know
about it, or what we want.
It's an extreme example of
"lo hamedrash
ha'ikar, ella hama'aseh", only that here,
working these
steps isn't just the ikkar, it's everything.
Like driving a car, like painting, or like
loving Hashem or a person - you can read about
it and talk about
it for a lifetime - and many, many people do
just that - but you cannot
know it at all until you do it.
And that's just the beginning of recovery.
Once I start to actually work these steps, I
begin to grow. And the growth is always a
surprise and far beyond the effort that I put
into it, cuz it's a gift from Hashem and not my
effort that does it. As long as I read about it
and study it, I do not grow. And I will not get
long term sobriety until I finally make growing my
focus, rather than focusing at all on 'fighting'
lust.
That's why the overwhelming majority of guys who
I know who are 'fighting lust' just keep
'falling' and going crazy about it, while many
who actually work the steps (rather than study
them) live free, one day at a time. It's funny,
then, that I have heard from many fellows that
they are unimpressed with the entire attitude of
12 Step recovery because it teaches that "we are
still addicts". They consider one day at a time
a cop-out, and think surrender to powerlessness
is looking down on ourselves.... and in the
meantime nearly all of those guys
are 'falling' every week, month, or whatever.
For me, there was never any freedom in
struggling. Just illness. My focus needs to be
on growing, and I use the steps to help me do
that.
|
|
|
843. |
Tuesday ~ 6 Tishrei,
5771 ~ September 14, 2010
|
|
In Today's Issue
-
Special
Announcement:
Aseres Yimei
Teshuvah Drasha Tomorrow
Testimonials
of the Day: Received today and yesterday
Our Yearly
Appeal:
Cutting Through All Boundaries
Attitude Tip
of the Day: She's All There Is
Daily Dose of
Dov: We have a problem with "Living"
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
SPECIAL ANNOUNCEMENT:
Rabbi Feigenbaum, Rav of Congregation Ohr
HaTorah, Dallas, Texas will be giving a
'Aseres Yimei
Teshuvah' Drasha on
Duvid Chaim's phone conference call tomorrow
(Wednesday, Sept 15), discussing:
Teshuva -
Bringing Hashem into Everyday Life
Using the
six constant mitzvos to combat
Self-Centeredness.
During the 12 - 1 PM (NYC time) Call
This is an open invitation to
everyone
to join the Call
Call in number 760-569-6000
Access PIN 121318#
Please be sure to join us as we welcome the
Rabbi on Board.
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Testimonials of the Day
(Received today and yesterday)
"I signed up
INSTANTLY for the 90 day chart and the forum. So
far it's been great. I needed this 20 years ago
and I would be a different person if I had".
- "BlindBeggar"
"Thanks for your
great work. I never thought until now that it's
possible to get loose from all the garbage in my
mind and eyes. Now I see the light illuminating
again for myself and my family."
- "StrategicGYE"
"Shana Tova
Umetuka. You have saved thousands of lives I
hope your aware of your tremendous zchuyot that
not even a Godol Hador can reach".
- "Yoni"
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Our Annual 'Aseres Yimei Teshuvah' Appeal:
Cutting Through all Boundaries
GuardYourEyes
is an international project that spans
hundreds of communities throughout the world
and helps Yidden all across the religious
spectrum. Yet the budget we need to raise is
less than many
local
community projects!
GYE makes a once-a-year appeal during
Aseres Yimei Teshuvah. Can there be a
greater zechus for the Yamim Nora'im
than the merit of being a partner in
enabling thousands of other Jews to do
Teshuvah?
Here are the
donations that have come in thus far:
$3,538 - Total so far
In the past 3 months, we have made three
fund-raising trips on behalf of GYE to raise our
budget for the "Expansion
Plan 2010". However, we are still far from
the budget we need to raise to take our work to
the next level.
We have a
commitment from one donor for $50,000 on
condition we find 3 other matchers, i.e. to
raise three times that amount on our own. We are
hoping that the GYE community can be
one of
the matchers and help us raise $50,000.
Please donate
whatever you can.
Please help
us reach our goal.
Use the PayPal options on the right side of our
website
www.guardyoureyes.org to donate whatever you
can.
You can use the "Monthly Donations" option to
spread your donation out, if that's easier for
you.
GYE is a recognized
501(c)(3) organization and donations to us
are tax deductible.
Checks can be
made out to 'GYE
Corp.' and mailed to our U.S address:
GYE Corp.
P.O. Box 32380
Pikesville, MD 21282
U.S.A
We
encourage everyone to listen to these two short
audio clips.
(To download the files, right-click and choose
"Save Target/Link As")
Audio clip of Rav Aharon Feldman
(38 sec)
"This is a churban in the Kedusha of Klal
Yisrael, it's so widespread... By supporting
this organization - it's not an organization -
it's a movement; it's actually the only
weapon we have at our disposal."
- Rav Aharon Feldman
Audio clip of Rabbi Avraham J. Twerski
(32 sec)
"I don't know that there's ever been a more
serious problem in Klal Yisrael's Kedusha than
that which we have now. And the only weapon we
have against it, the only one, is
GuardYourEyes. And that's why it's a Pikuach
Nefesh."
- Rabbi Avraham J. Twerski
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Attitude Tip
of the Day
She's All There Is
To a man struggling with appreciating his wife's
looks, "Kedusha" wrote:
Ask yourself this:
Isn't it true that, if my wife were the only
woman in the world, millions
of men would be desperately vying for her
attention?
Well, as far as I'm concerned, she is the
only woman in the world. I'm not allowed to look
at any other woman (for pleasure), I cannot
touch any other woman (Derech Chibah v'Taavah),
and certainly sex is forbidden with any other
woman on the planet. She's
all there is,
yet, Boruch Hashem, no one is trying to take her
away from me!
Where are you
holding in Shemiras Einayim and Shemiras HaBris?
Try being very Makpid for a month, and see if
you start feeling differently about your wife.
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Daily Dose of Dov
Dov is sober in SA for over 13 years. See his
story
here.
We have a problem with "Living"
Someone wrote to Dov:
Steve said something yesterday on
the morning call that really hit home with
me. He said that when we get triggered, at that
moment we need to say to ourselves, "OK, G-d,
You've got my attention! Where are we going with
this? What message do you have for me?" And at
the same time we pray, "Hashem, this lust urge
is too strong for me, I am powerless against it!
PLEASE remove it from me at this instant, and
guide me to fulfill your will for me."
Dov responds (part 1):
Hearing you loud and clear, but need to share
this:
What you write is great
advice and I agree, technically speaking. But as
far as I am concerned (the) "ikkar (is)
chosair min haseifer".
What is your goal - what do you consider
success? If all
you want is an eitza of how to get past lust
attacks as they come so that you will just stay
clean, then I have nothing to add. But "not
acting out" (you can call it "being clean") is all you
may get. And that doesn't seem to work very well
for many people. Life is too risky, and changes.
Can we be vigilant enough? I doubt it. If we are
addicts, we are predisposed, so we need a real
solution - not stopgap measures. The 12-Steps
recognize that we have a problem with "living"
that needs to be addressed and take action on it
on a continual basis. That just seems to be the
way it is.
I believe the 12-step people (and the
RMB"M in shmoneh p'rakim), that my addiction is not my
real problem. It is only a symptom of
my real problem, which is a misconnection
with G-d and my fellow man. And I also follow
the experience of the 12-step people that all progress
in my recovery will depend on my focusing on the
'Solution' instead of on the 'Problem'. (Of
course, my
addictive behavior history must be
my total focus
in the very beginning of my recovery so that I
get clear that I need to live a
different way if I expect to get better and not
to be fooled any longer that I can beat it.) Learning
to live differently takes tefillah, time, and
effort.
Any other endeavor had been fruitless for me...
for years.
And that included 'being a good yid/teshuvah/beating
this thing because Hashem wants me to'. Complete
waste of time for me. I was always doing it my
own way, guiding the struggle and effort
with my own damaged sechel... ignoring the fact
that my best sechel and effort was guiding me
when I got into porning
and masturbating in
the first place! No wonder it always failed
after a week, month, or a few months. Always -
and always got worse, never really better.
|
|
|
844. |
Wednesday ~ 7
Tishrei, 5771 ~ September 15, 2010
|
|
In Today's Issue
-
Announcement:
Join Elya's Phone Conference Tonight
Testimonial of
the Day:
Growing more
now than when in Kollel
Our Yearly
Appeal: Giving
Klal Yisrael Hope until Moshiach comes
Personal
Victory of the Day: Phew!!
Daily Dose of
Dov: Running from lust is good, but it's
not a solution.
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
ANNOUNCEMENT:
There will
be a phone meeting tonight at 9 p.m. Eastern
time.
Elya's Phone Conference
Topic:
Addiction and Teshuva - Do we have to do
Teshuva for a "disease?"
This is an open invitation to
everyone
to join the Call
Call in number:
1-712-429-0690
Access PIN:
225356#
Please join us!
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Testimonial of the Day
Growing more
now than when in Kollel
By
"Chesky"
I am a yungerman, who after spending many years
in kollel, is today in the working world. I
tried to the best of my ability to ensure that
the transition to the work-world would not
compromise the standard of Yiddishkiet I had
lead when I was in kollel, and for a long time I
was generally successful.
However, the battle to preserve one's spiritual
level in the working world is ongoing, and after
a while my defenses began to wear down. This
intensified when I discovered the Yetzer Hara of
the internet. Without going into details,
suffice it to say that this unleashed all the
taavos which had been less prevalent or more
controlled while being in the Beis hamedrash.
All this changed when I had the Siyato dishmaya
to find Guard Your Eyes, and today I wonder if I
perhaps I have more of an opportunity to
develop myself spiritually because of GYE than I
had while I was learning in kollel.
I have no words with which to thank the
administrator and mentor of GYE.
Today thanks to GYE, I and many others have
acknowledged and recognized that maintaining our
spirituality among the nisyonos of today's world
is the most important thing in our lives.
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Our Annual 'Aseres Yimei Teshuvah' Appeal:
Giving Klal Yisrael hope until Moshiach
comes
We live
in an impossible world today. And if
it's bad now, what will the world look
like when our children are grown up?
With
your help, GYE is building the
framework to help tens of thousands of
Yidden and give Klal Yisrael the tools
to deal with today's nisyonos
until Moshiach comes.
An investment in GYE is an investment in
the
very future of Klal Yisrael!
GYE makes a once-a-year appeal during
Aseres Yimei Teshuvah. Can there be a
greater zechus for the Yamim Nora'im
than the merit of being a partner in
enabling thousands of other Jews to do
Teshuvah?
Here are
the donations that have come in thus far:
$6,459 - Total so far
In the past 3 months, we have made three
fund-raising trips on behalf of GYE to raise our
budget for the "Expansion
Plan 2010". However, we are still far from
the budget we need to raise to take our work to
the next level.
We have a
commitment from one donor for $50,000 on
condition we find 3 other matchers, i.e. to
raise three times that amount on our own. We are
hoping that the GYE community can be
one of
the matchers and help us raise $50,000.
Please donate
whatever you can.
Please help
us reach our goal.
Use the PayPal options on the right side of our
website
www.guardyoureyes.org to donate whatever you
can.
You can use the "Monthly Donations" option to
spread your donation out, if that's easier for
you.
GYE is a recognized
501(c)(3) organization and donations to us
are tax deductible.
Checks can be
made out to 'GYE
Corp.' and mailed to our U.S address:
GYE Corp.
P.O. Box 32380
Pikesville, MD 21282
U.S.A
We
encourage everyone to listen to these two short
audio clips.
(To download the files, right-click and choose
"Save Target/Link As")
Audio clip of Rav Aharon Feldman
(38 sec)
"This is a churban in the Kedusha of Klal
Yisrael, it's so widespread... By supporting
this organization - it's not an organization -
it's a movement; it's actually the only
weapon we have at our disposal."
- Rav Aharon Feldman
Audio clip of Rabbi Avraham J. Twerski
(32 sec)
"I don't know that there's ever been a more
serious problem in Klal Yisrael's Kedusha than
that which we have now. And the only weapon we
have against it, the only one, is
GuardYourEyes. And that's why it's a Pikuach
Nefesh."
- Rabbi Avraham J. Twerski
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Personal
Victory of the Day
PHEW!!
Stuart writes:
Yesterday at work, I was reading
the GYE forum when my boss walked past my
office, so I quickly tried to minimize the
screen. Unfortunately, the computer froze and
was taking its sweet time trying to
close. Meanwhile the Boss came to my screen and
wanted to check out what I was looking at (in a
non-intrusive manner). As I was turning all red,
I frantically struggled to press every key until
finally it closed. I'm not sure what he saw (it
was the forum's home page), but he did say out
loud "Simple Machines forum"? I just brushed
him off and said it was some 'dvar torahs' (he's
not frum) so he walked away.
Anyway, I was
very embarrassed about this, but then it struck
me what could have happened. In
the past, there were countless times I would
rush to minimize something on my computer when
people walked by, but it wasn't simple machines
forum. B'H I wasn't in that situation, and I am
very thankful for that.
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Daily Dose of Dov
Dov is sober in SA for over 13 years. See his
story
here.
Running from lust is good, but it's not a
Solution
Dov responds to someone who shared some tips on
what to do when attacked by lust (part 2):
If you want progressive freedom, peace, and to
live the good life, then all the eitzas for how
just to escape and evade lust
attacks may only help you do just that: keep
running. It has been my experience
that progressive peace and recovery come from
slow, patient inner
change allowing
a connection to G-d and His people. I meet so
many who go around and around, settling for the
valiant struggle day after day. They may
intend
to be serving Hashem, but is intention everything?
I believe that even well-intentioned people can
be fooled by their own insanity. I have posted
before, that many people write about the
struggle to stay clean as a 'valiant mission',
romanticizing it as though such a state is
actually what Hashem wants
for us, in general. Of course struggling
with the Yetzer Hara has its place, and is a
tremendous part of a beautiful avodas Hashem...
but for crying out loud! Would you wish
on your own
son to have a chronic progressive disease that
has deadly side-effects that can wreck his
sanity, health, marriage, happiness,
relationships with G-d and man, etc...and then just
give him a way to keep running from it?We
are Hashem's children. He didn't give us this
problem so that we should just run from it.
Recovery is about a
daily reprieve -
not 'running'.
No, I am not being m'harheir acharei midosav,
c"v, but just trying to make this distinction: For
a normal yid, it makes perfect sense
to have challenges of fighting lust. The s'char
and growth of beating it
would be tremendous, for sure. But an
addict -
i.e. one who is a chronic loser to lust - is
different. And that is obvious to me. In my
own case, I had to finally come to admit that I cannot
win. Not that G-d cannot free me, but that as
I am,I cannot win. There is
indeed something
wrong with me, something's broken. That is a
hard pill to swallow. Even though I am a truly
good man and trying to be a good yid and serve
Hashem (and always have, in my own mind), my
track record (first step inventory) proves to me
that I am a chronic and progressive loser
to lust. I spent nearly two decades trying
to beat my lust to death with my brains. Tears,
'teshuvah', Torah, shrinks, medication, mussar,
marriage, children, 'growing up', whatever...
and failed and only got worse. Eventually I had
enough. It is clear that I am mentally,
spiritually and even physically sick
with the tendency to obsess about and be
dependent upon lust. And for over 13 years since
'giving up to' this truth and
to my need to actually take real, and
occasionally extreme measures, I
have used the 12-step program to let Hashem keep
me sober. And I am not 'stronger', at all!
'Escape today from lust'; 'don't give in';
'fight it'; 'be vigilant'.... is all well and
good. And without a daily commitment to avoiding
the 'first drink', I will surely get nowhere. But
a solution, it is not. Ultimately,
that'd keep me
looking into the familiar mirror of self-will rather
than through the aspaklaria at
G-d and at other people than myself.
|
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|
845. |
Thursday ~ 8
Tishrei, 5771 ~ September 16, 2010
|
|
In Today's Issue
-
Our Yearly
Appeal: Kofer
Nefesh - Pidyon Kaparos
-
Torah/12-Step
Thought of the Day: D'veikus is not a
one-way street
-
Daily Dose of
Dov: Remodeling our Way of Life.
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Our Annual 'Aseres Yimei Teshuvah' Appeal:
Kofer Nefesh -
Pidyon Kaparos
We can redeem
our own sins by saving OTHERS from sin!
GYE's Aseres Yimei Teshuvah appeal is
winding down. Tomorrow is the last day of
the appeal. Can there be a greater zechus
for Yom Kippur than the merit of being a
partner in enabling thousands of other Jews
to do Teshuvah?
Click
below to hear an audio clip from:
Rabbi Chaim Dovid Zwiebel, Esq.
Executive Vice President of Agudath Israel
of America
Chairman of the evening
(1 min 31 sec)
"What a special zechus it is to have a
chelek in an organization that is devoted to
this holy cause"
- Rabbi Chaim Dovid Zweiebel, Esq.
Click below to hear an audio clip from:
Rabbi Aharon Feldman Shlita
Rosh Yeshivas Ner Yisrael Baltimore
(38 sec)
"This is a churban in the Kedusha of Klal
Yisrael, it's so widespread... By supporting
this organization - it's not an organization
- it's a movement; it's actually the
only weapon we have at our disposal."
- Rav Aharon Feldman
Click below to hear an audio clip from:
Dr. / Rabbi Avraham Twerski MD, Shlita
Founder of Gateway Rehab Center
(32 sec)
"I don't know that there's ever been a more
serious problem in Klal Yisrael's Kedusha
than that which we have now. And the only
weapon we have against it, the only
one, is GuardYourEyes. And that's why it's a
Pikuach Nefesh."
- Rabbi Avraham J. Twerski
Here are the
donations that have come in thus far:
$7,715 - Total so far
Please help
us reach at least $10,000.
Use the PayPal options on the right side of our
website
www.guardyoureyes.org to donate whatever you
can.
You can use the "Monthly Donations" option to
spread your donation out, if that's easier for
you.
GYE is a recognized
501(c)(3) organization and donations to us
are tax deductible.
Checks can be
made out to 'GYE
Corp.' and mailed to our U.S address:
GYE Corp.
P.O. Box 32380
Pikesville, MD 21282
U.S.A
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Torah/12-Step
thought of the Day
D'veikus is not a one way street
Hashem wants US back!
By Duvid Chaim
R. Feigenbaum spoke yesterday on
the phone conference. At the heart of the
discussion was basically the question:
How can I, with all of my aveiros, ever expect
to get close to Hashem? Who am I fooling? I've
stood before the King before and pledged my
desire to leave behind my sins and do Teshuvah.
And I know what I did, hours, days or weeks
later. Why should I even try anymore?
In chapter 33 verse 10, Yechezkel conveys the
Word of Hashem, as He says, "Now you, Son of
Man, say to the House of Israel, 'Thus, have you
spoken, saying, "Since our sins and our
iniquities are upon us and we are wasting away
because of them, how can we live?"
In the next Pasuk, verse 11, Hashem instructs
Yechezkel to tell us, "As I live, I swear
that I do not desire the death of the wicked
one, bur rather the wicked ones' return from his
way, that he may live. Repent, repent
from your evil ways! Why should you die, O
House of Israel?"
It's important to appreciate what Hashem is
telling us - even at a time of perhaps our
lowest point in our relationship with Him - when
our Temple is being destroyed and when we are
being expelled from our Land: that HE WANTS
US BACK!!
WE HAVE TO STOP & APPRECIATE THE POWER OF
HASHEM'S LOVE FOR US. EVEN WHEN WE SIN, EVEN
WHEN HE IS PUNISHING US, WHAT DOES HE WANT MOST?
THAT WE RETURN TO HIM!!
And this time, my Dear and Holy Brothers, it IS
going to be different.
For as R. Feigenbaum pointed out, thanks to
our participation through GYE, we are all
demonstrating our desire to attach ourselves to
Hashem. And it's going to be different this
year, because we are realizing that our d'vaikus
is not a one way street anymore. Hashem is just
waiting for us to yell out:
"AVINU
- Our
Father, our Tatty - I can't do this anymore by
myself.
I believe that
only YOU can restore me to Sanity. And I've
decided to turn my will and my life over to Your
Care. I am ready, yes finally ready, to have You
remove all my shortcomings." (Steps 2, 3
and 6).
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Daily Dose of Dov
Dov is sober in SA for over 13 years. See his
story
here.
Remodeling Our Way of Life
To someone who writes that he finds it much
easier to stay clean when feeling close to
Hashem, Dov writes:
If feeling on a spiritual high is something you
are dependent on, then I fear that when trials
and tribulations come - and since the cheit of
Adam Harishon and Chava every human
has down time, pain, and even some tragedy in
their lives - what will you do? The Recovery
that I am
familiar with is a slow, patient, G-d-involved,
comprehensive remodeling of my way of reacting
to life. It's about staying sober one day at a
time and learning how to accept life on life (or
G-d's) terms rather than strictly on mine.
That enables me to remain sober
one day at a time.
|
|
|
846. |
Friday ~ 9 Tishrei,
5771 ~ September 17, 2010
Erev Yom Kippur
|
|
In Today's Issue
-
Final Day of
Annual Appeal:
Last chance to earn special merit for Kapparah
Testimonials:
Received Recently
Yom Kippur
Parable: The King's Muddy Children
Minhag
Kapparos: Adam Yesodo Me'Afar
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Final day of GYE's 'Aseres Yimei Teshuvah'
Appeal:
Last chance to
earn special merit for Yom Kippur - and get a
kapparah on our own sins!
Can there be a greater zechus than the merit
of being a partner in enabling thousands of
other
Jews to do Teshuvah?
Two options for donations:
1) Please
use the PayPal options on the right side of
our website
www.guardyoureyes.org
to donate whatever you can.
(You can use the "Monthly Donations" option
to spread your donation out, if that's
easier for you.)
2) Checks
can be made out to 'GYE
Corp.' and mailed to our U.S address:
GYE Corp.
P.O. Box 32380
Pikesville, MD 21282
U.S.A
GYE is a recognized
501(c)(3) organization and donations to
us are tax deductible.
"What a special zechus it is to have a
chelek in an organization that is devoted to
this holy cause"
-
Rabbi Chaim Dovid Zwiebel, Esq.
"This is a churban in the Kedusha of Klal
Yisrael, it's so widespread... By supporting
this organization - it's not an organization
- it's a movement; it's actually the
only weapon we have at our disposal."
-
Rabbi Aharon Feldman Shlita
"I don't know that there's ever been a more
serious problem in Klal Yisrael's Kedusha
than that which we have now. And the only
weapon we have against it, the only
one, is GuardYourEyes. And that's why it's a
Pikuach Nefesh."
-
Rabbi Avraham Twerski Shlita
Here are the
donations that have come in thus far:
$9,630 - Total so far
Thank you to
all who participated in this year's appeal. A
G'mar Chasimah Tovah to everyone!
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Some
Testimonials received recently
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Thanks for really changing my life, I can feel
my neshoma again and can literally see blessing
flowing back into my life. May Hashem continue
to bless you and GYE and may this year bring
much success to the website and holiness back
into the world!
- Melting Pot
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The amount of talent and wisdom in the posts on
the forum is staggering. I feel as though I have
a team of highly qualified therapists. The whole
concept of group therapy, where the people who
truly live though the problems you have, give
you advice, is genius. For too long I have been
looking to Rabbonim and people that do not know
me, the real me, to help get me out of
this problem.
- MyLastStop
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Hashem blesses you with this work. This site has
changed my life, inside out. I'm more quiet and
more careful. Thank you.
- 1daat
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Hi and thanks a lot for everything you do for
klal yisroel. You helped me understand what I'm
up against, and as a result I joined a 12 step
SA group. I cannot thank enough for the change
you caused in my life. Have a gmar chasima tova
and a year full of hatzlacha in your lofty work
of avodas Hashem.
-
daniman17
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dear R' Guard Shlita, I just wanted to express
my deep hakoras hatov to you for this amazing,
wonderful, life saving, (enter one billion more
fantastic adjectives here) site. Thank you!
Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!
Thank you!
-World
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"It is an incredible website. I am still under
shock and surprise of the unbelievable treasure
Hashem has guided me to.
- F.S
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A year on GYE... How my life has changed... GYE
gave me life, gave me happiness, gave me
purity... From the last year, I gained
relationships that are honest with real people -
my spouse, my parents, and mostly myself.
I learned:
-
How to look within, be honest and grow.
-
To face my failures with acceptance rather
than depression.
-
To LOOK FORWARD.
-
To cheer myself on and be proud of every
small accomplishment.
-
To be proud of who I am becoming.
-
To feel Hashem's love.
-
To feel real love from people.
-
To give myself respect and treat myself like
I'd treat my friends.
-
To allow myself to feel; to let my tears and
laughter flow freely instead of locking them
up.
-
To turn to others for help and to depend on
Hashem and to talk to Him.
GYE, you've made me into a new person. Someone
who is striving. Someone special. Thank you,
Guard, and thank you every single person on GYE.
You are each a very important part of my life
and I feel like you are part of my family!
- Letakein
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
GYE has helped me so much with the great site
and the wonderful network of people who are
sincere in their desire to help and encourage.
It has given me hope, courage, guidance and a
sense of community. You have enabled me to
refocus on yiddishkeit as a relationship with
Hashem, and not a set of rules. You have shown
me that it is normal to have a yetzer hora and
it is normal to have stumbled and fallen, and it
is normal and possible to get up from the fall.
Instead of hiding and covering up the facts of
this problem, you have brought it out into the
sunlight to be dealt with.
You have a tremendous zechus.
Thank you for all you do.
May you be zocheh to a ksiva vechasima tova and
continued hatzlacha in your vital work on behalf
of klal Yisrael
- ZmirosShabbos
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Yom Kippur
Parable
The King's
Muddy Children
(aipce)
On Erev Yom Kippur last year, "Trying" posted on
the forum:
This is very hard for me to say, since I'm dead
embarrassed. But secrecy keeps strengthening the
addiction, so here goes. I fell again recently.
I don't know how I'll even go to shul. I just
want everyone to know how pathetic, crazy and
stupid I am. And, oh yes, I will have a broken
heart on Yom Kippur. Broken into hundred pieces,
if that counts for anything. I feel so far from
Hashem.
After some encouragement by e-mail and on the
forum, "Trying" posted:
Guard wrote me an e-mail, and I quote, "Hashem
doesn't need you to be clean. He needs your heart.
That's why he gave you this whole struggle. And davka when
the heart is broken, the most beautiful
connection with Hashem can be made!"
It's true. So true. So I'll just give Hashem my
broken heart. Cuz I don't have anything else.
Only he can make it whole again.
I just realized what a gift Yom-Kippur is! There
is this whole day put aside just to get closer
to my father. Hashem gives us a day, free from
ALL other obligations, so we can dedicate it
specially for him! We can repent, or just cry to
him. And that's all he wants. I can't wait to
daven and spend the day in shul. I won't let the
past weigh me down. Now there's only the
present, and I'll use it in the best way
possible.
Here's what "Trying" wrote after Yom-Kippur:
Hi everyone. Yom kippur was special. I didn't
feel that way in a long time. It finally hit me
that Yom Kippur was meant for me;
for people who make mistakes; for people who
sometimes have clouded judgments; for people who
can let the Yetzer Hara take advantage of them;
for people who can do terrible things, yet they
still try. Deep inside, they still want to do
the right thing. That's who
Yom Kippur is made for. (Who else? For Tzadikim?
What do they need
it for?)
Yom Kippur is to tell Hashem; 'that
was not the real me'. This
is.
The one who is fasting and begging you to
forgive. The one who only wants to stay in shul,
enveloped by Kedusha forever.
The Yetzer Hara was attempting to withhold this
precious day from me. He wanted that I should be
SO discouraged that I wouldn't be able to daven.
But in defiance, I did. I davened for a whole
year that I didn't daven properly. I davened
that Hashem should take the Yetzer Hara from me,
cuz he's too strong and I can't overcome him. I
davened that this year I should merit to come
closer to Him. I told Him that I know it's chutzpah to
assume that all has been forgiven, and even to
ask for the future. But He's my father and I'm
sure He'll forgive. He'll understand.
I heard a parable of a king who sent his two
sons out on a walk. Prior to leaving, he dressed
them in beautiful clothes as befits children of
royalty, and he warned them many times not to
get dirty. He stressed the significance of them
appearing dignified at all times so that they
shouldn't shame him. A few hours passed, and by
evening both sons returned. Children are
children; they had neglected their clothes and
were full of mud and dirt. One son was so
embarrassed that he couldn't face his father,
and he ended up getting a huge reprimand. But
the other son came to his father and started
crying bitterly, "You
see father, I tried remembering what you said,
but sometimes it was so hard. All the other
children were playing in the sand and your words
didn't seem so important anymore. At other
times, I was so into what I was doing, I
actually forgot what you said. I tried cleaning
myself off, yet inevitably I would mess up
again. I wanted to obey your rules, but it was
so hard. I'll try better next time father, I
promise".
"It's Ok", said
the father, hugging him tightly. "I
knew you'd mess up, I just wanted you to try. I
already prepared a new set of fresh warm clothes
for you, after you take a shower. Come inside,
my dear son"...
It was like the Machzor was written for me. I
didn't need any extra words. It was all there.
It couldn't have been said any better/nicer.
Thank you Hashem for the gift of Yom-Kippur; for
having given us this wonderful opportunity!
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Yom Kippur -
Minhag Kapparos
Adam Yesodo Me'Afar
(aipce)
We all know the truth. We all die. We are
nothing but flesh, blood, veins and bones; here
today, dust tomorrow. Our eyeballs are delicate
balls of mushy fluid. And the objects of our
desires are also flesh, blood and veins. If we
could see what is underneath the thin layer of
skin that covers these sacks of blood, would we
desire it? Yet this is what our our brains make
us run after. This is what our addiction makes
us slaves to! Is it for
this we have sold our souls? Gevald! What
a farce!
How pathetic it is to make our physical aspects
dominant over our spiritual souls. When we sin,
we are using a body that don't belong to us, to
chase after imaginary pleasure with other bodies
that don't belong to us -
nor to them! (After
all, if anyone belonged to themselves, could
Hashem take their bodies away from them whenever
he so desired?)
Yom Kippur is that one day a year when we reveal
the FARCE of our bodies for what it really is.
On Yom Kippur we say, "ENOUGH IS ENOUGH" to our
bodies. We don't feed it, and we afflict it in
five different ways. On Yom Kippur we rise ABOVE
our bodies and connect completely with our souls
- and with Hakadosh
Baruch Hu.
Know, my friends, that the desires we have are
really the yearnings of our souls for a true and
deep connection with Hashem, for the true safety
and comfort of His loving embrace. But the
"white-matter" in our brains messes up these
signals and tricks us into believing that we
will find all that we are looking for by running
after lust. Many foolish men spend their lives
chasing this ever-elusive comfort and
"connection", continuously sure that they will
find it in their "next" fix....
Let us realize that ONLY HASHEM HIMSELF can
truly fill the deep yearnings of our souls. Let
us return to the warm and loving embrace of
Hashem and tell him on this Yom-Kippur: Hashem,
we don't want ANYTHING ELSE but you, dear
Father, forever more!
Tip:
If bad thoughts come to us on Yom-Kippur, let us
imagine the object of our desires cut up into
pieces, the two legs torn off and laid alongside
a legless body; guts and bones protruding. For
this is all the Yetzer Hara really is; a big
bubble of hot air and imagination. (And yes, we
need to fight dirty sometimes
- with a menuval who
fights even dirtier -
on the holiest day of the year).
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|
|
847. |
Sunday ~ 11 Tishrei,
5771 ~ September 19, 2010
|
|
In Today's Issue
-
Thank You:
To Everyone
who participated in the appeal
Attitude Tip of the Day:
The Real
Meaning of "One Day at a Time"
Torah:
Yaakov & the Stolen Brachos - From Rosh Hashana
to Sukkos
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Thank you to
everyone who participated in this year's appeal!
Here are the
donations that came in:
Please use
the PayPal options on the right side of our
website
www.guardyoureyes.org
to donate whatever you can.
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Attitude Tip of the Day
The Real Meaning of "One Day at a Time"
H.Y writes:
I decided to start my Motzei Yom Kippur off on
the right foot, so I was listening to a shiur by
Rav Fishel Schachter last night. He told a story
that will make any person who is in SA, or
should
be in SA, truly understand the meaning of "Just
for today I'll stay clean, I can act out
tomorrow." He told over a true story of a Rav
who was very involved in kiruv with at-risk
teenage boys. The Rav suffered a terrible loss
when his son died right after his upsherin. The
boys who he worked with came to pay a shiva
call, and they told him that they decided, as a
group, that even though they were not considered
frum anymore, they would keep one Shabbos in
this boy's zechus. The Rebbe stood up and hugged
and kissed each one and danced with them, even
though he was sitting shiva. Afterwards someone
said to him, "Why were you so excited? What's
the big deal? So they will keep this Shabbos,
and then the next Shabbos they will go back to
their old ways". He replied, "If someone were to
offer me one last Shabbos with my little
precious Shloimela, I would give all the money
in the world to have that one last day to say
goodbye to him."
THIS IS HOW HASHEM VIEWS US. We come back to
Hashem one day at a time. Maybe we will fall
tomorrow, maybe we won't, but Hashem takes every
day that we are clean and embraces it. Don't
say, "one day isn't good enough", say "ah, at
least I have one day clean and pure.
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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Yakov and the Stolen Brachos
(aipce)
Our journey from Rosh Hashana to Sukkos
A fascinating and beautiful Zohar (Raya
Me'heimna) that is read before Tekiyas
Shofar in
many kehillos:
On Rosh Hashana, Yitzchak (representing the
aspect of judgement) calls his son Esav
(representing the Satan) and asks him to bring
to taste from the food of the people of the
world, each person, according to his ways. For
at that time "and
his eyes were dimmed of sight",
for out of him (the aspect of judgement) came
the one who darkens the face of all creations
(the Satan). And Yitzchak goes and sits on the
seat of judgment, and he calls Esav and tells
him to "hunt
for me a catch and make for me delicacies as I
like, and bring it to me".
And Rivka, tells her son Yakov (the aspect of
mercy), the beloved of her soul, given to her
from the first day of creation, and she commands
him to awaken HIS delicacies.
And Yakov awakens from below, dressed in prayers
and supplications. "And
the voice is the voice of Yakov",
through the Shofar that goes up. And Yakov
awakens and comes before Yitzchak. And he gives
him to eat and they become one with each other.
And then Yakov brings him wine - that guarded
wine that brings gladness to the heart,
representing the World to Come. And then
Yitzchak "smells
the fragrance of his clothes";
the prayers that go up and the supplications,
and he blesses him. And the fire of anger
(intensity of the judgement) is quieted, and his
heart is happy and all becomes "mercy", since
Yitzchak becomes included in Yakov. And Yisrael
leave from the judgement with happiness and
blessings....
"And Yakov has just left" on
this day (Rosh Hashana) in happiness and
blessings from above, when Esav comes in with his catch,
loaded down with all the deeds of the world. And
he too makes delicacies, sharpening his tongue
to prosecute and preparing witnesses. And he
comes to his father (the aspect of judgement)
and says "get
up, father",
awaken the judgment and eat from all the bad
deeds of the world that I have found. "And
a great fear falls upon Yitzchak", for
he cannot separate himself from being included
in Yakov in happiness. And he says, "who
was just here - with
his catch of prayers and supplications - and
I ate from it all before you came, and I blessed
him, he too should be blessed". "And
when Esav hears the words of Yitzchak his
father, he cries a great cry",
for he sees that all his catch is worthless.
"And Esav guards anger against Yakov",
to go after him and prosecute against him
always. And Yakov runs, in those days between
Rosh Hashana and Yom Kippur, to be saved from
Esav's (the Satan's) wrath. He repents (for 10
days) and sits in fasting on Yom-Kippur when "Yakov
sees Esav coming with 400 men", these
are all the prosecutors ready to prosecute
against him. And "Yakov
fears a great fear and affliction",
and he increases his prayers and supplications. "And
Yakov says, 'Oh G-d of my father Avraham, and
the G-d of my father Yitzchak', etc.." Until
he takes a plan for himself and says "I
shall redeem his face with a present that goes
before me. And he took from what he had a
present for Esav, 200 goats, etc..." (the
Zohar says elsewhere that the Sa'ir
Hamishtale'ach -
the goat that is tossed off the cliff carrying
our sins, is a "present" to the Satan on Yom
Kippur, so that he should leave us alone and not
prosecute against us).
When Esav receives this gift, he becomes the
protector of Yakov and offers to go along with
him. But Yakov doesn't want "neither his honey
nor his sting", and he tells Esav "to
go on before him"... "And
on that day (Yom-Kippur), Esav
returns to his way".
When? At the time of Ne'ilah; he separates
himself from the holy nation. And Hashem
forgives the sins of His children and is Mechaper on
them, since the prosecutor goes away with his
present (satisfied) and separates himself from
His children. And then Hashem wants to rejoice
with his children.
What is written after that? "And
Yakov traveled to Sukkos and built himself a
house" ... "And therefore, he called the place
Sukkos". And
when they (Klal Yisrael) sit in the Sukka, they
have been saved from the prosecutors, and
Hakadosh Baruch Hu rejoices with his children.
Happy is their lot in this world and the next!
Rabbosai, we are now traveling to "Sukkos"...
The prosecutors have left us, and Hashem wishes
to rejoice with us! We are traveling now, which
means we are outdoors, sweating, building,
working, until we get to Sukkos in a few short
days.
May we all merit to keep ourselves clean, far
away from Esav i.e. the Satan and his
prosecutors, as we travel towards Sukkos to
rejoice with Hashem!
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|
|
848. |
Monday ~ 12 Tishrei,
5771 ~ September 20, 2010
|
|
In Today's Issue
-
Attitude Tip of the Day:
"This desire
is my one true sacrifice to Hashem"
Link of the
Day: A Letter from the Yetzer Hara to You
Daily Dose of
Dov: Freedom from Temptation = Dead Man
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Attitude Tip
of the Day
"This desire is my one true sacrifice to Hashem"
We might have a tendency to think that after
Rosh Hashana and Yom-Kippur when we worked so
hard and achieved spiritual heights, the Yetzer
Hara won't bother us for a while.
But it is
exactly the other way around.
Precisely when there is so much spirituality and
closeness to Hashem going on, the Yetzer Hara
works over time.
Therefore, please dear Yidden. To make sure we
don't lose all that was gained in the past
month, we all need to be on the highest alert.
After having been chased away during the Aseres
Yemei Teshuvah, the Yetzer Hara
comes back with a vengeance these days. There
are many pressures now, work related,
financial... we need to build a Sukkah, buy Arba
Minim. It is easy to feel
overwhelmed, anxious or stressed. And it is
often these very emotions which trigger
the addiction again. So we need to be on the
highest alert and say to ourselves: "No matter
how low or vulnerable I may feel now, physically
OR spiritually, this is ONE DESIRE I have
already decided that I am giving up to Hashem!"
Even if you find yourself slipping in other
areas, such as eating too much, sleeping too
much, lack of patience with the family, etc...
and the Yetzer Hara says to you - "what's the
use? You already lost that spiritual high from
Yom-Kippur, give it up!" He'll do anything to
make us fall into the addiction again, he'll
make us feel spiritually low in other areas as
well. But it is really THIS area that he
wants us to fall in, more than anything else!
Because he knows that if we fall here, he has us
wrapped around his little finger.
So ignore the falls in other
places for now. Stay committed to this one thing
and shout in your heart, "I am NEVER going back
there again! This desire is my one true
sacrifice to Hashem!".
And if you overcome and chase him away, you will
find that all the other areas you thought you
were slipping in as well, were really no big
deal. You will be able to quickly climb back
up and will experience the true joy of the
coming Yom-Tov!
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Daily Dose of Dov
Dov is sober in SA for over 13 years. See his
story
here.
Freedom from Temptation = Dead Man
Someone asked Dov:
If our addiction is a result of a void we feel,
then theoretically, someone who has filled the
void should not at all be affected by triggers,
right? So why is this a daily struggle still,
even for those in recovery? Why does it seem
that even you, Dov, are still struggling with
the same issues somewhat, after so many years in
recovery?
Dov Replies:
What evidence do you have that any addict ever
got cured? The way AA puts it is this (I
paraphrase): "we get a daily reprieve as a gift
from our Higher Power, as long as we take steps
to maintain our spiritual condition (meaning,
'as long as we stay honest with Him')."
That is not 'cured', in my book.
Now, some AAs say they have, in fact, been
cured! But I suggest that this occurs because
alcoholism is so much easier to remain free of
than lustaholism. A number of men who are both
sober alcoholics and sober sex/lust addicts have
told me that this was true for them. None have
ever told me otherwise.
Drinking alcohol is not a natural part of a
human, while sex and desire for sex and lust is.
Alcohol is not naturally attached to your mouth,
but we all carry fantasy memories in our minds
and have actual body parts that are part of that
whole game.
Now the compulsive pursuit of lust itself, and
the silly and sick making of sex as the backdrop
of my entire conscious existence - that is what
I am free of, thank-G-d, today.
Freedom from any temptation at all, is what I
call: "being a dead man", not sobriety.
Today, when a crazy idea occurs to me, instead
of getting worked up that "How could such
disgusting tum'ah be in my heligeh brain?! It's
Ossur!", I just see it as part of my mental
illness called sexaholism, and I turn to Hashem
to help me let go of it and give Him all the
credit when I do. Does that mean that I am
"still struggling with the same issues"?
I am free today. I used to be in bondage. It
ruled my life. Now recovery allows Hashem into my
life all the time. I feel a big difference. As
the years go by, so does my wife, and everybody
around me. Even the people who do not know
about my disease recognize a change in me.
Especially after a year or two sober.
I am not in Recovery in order to finally be
"holy", I am in it in order not to flush my life
down the toilet, that's all. By reaching for
that humble goal, I have discovered I am in the
stars most of the time. For me, this is the way
to go, so far.
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849. |
Tuesday ~ 13
Tishrei, 5771 ~ September 21, 2010
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In Today's Issue
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Torah Thought of the Day:
Did you keep
your new year's resolution?
Daily Dose of
Dov: Our lust problem is just a symptom
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Torah Thought
of the Day
Did You Keep Your New Year's Resolution?
By Rabbi Moss
(Click
here to
sign up for his weekly e-mails)
Question of the Week:
Why do we celebrate the festival of Sukkos
immediately after Yom Kippur? Wouldn't it be
better to space out these festivals? Or is there
some connection between fasting on Yom Kippur
and eating in an outdoor hut for a week?
Answer:
The first thing we do in the new year is make
resolutions. The second thing we do is break
them. At a moment of inspiration we promise to
curb our temper, become more generous, speak to
G-d more or quit a bad habit. But soon after we
go back to our old ways as if nothing happened.
Often a sincere resolution is forgotten as
quickly as it was made.
The reason: compartmentalization. Our
personalities are divided. We have a holy soul,
and we have a physical body. My soul has good
intentions and wants to change and improve and
grow, but my body is lazy and complacent and
can't be bothered.
On Yom Kippur I put my body aside and feel my
soul, and so I want to soar to new spiritual
heights. After Yom Kippur my body reasserts
itself, and the yearnings of the soul are
forgotten. My soul suggests a resolution; my
body vetoes it.
The solution: enter a Sukkah. We sit in the Sukkah
with our entire being - our body and our soul,
our lowly side as well as our lofty side. It is
one of the only mitzvos that we do with our
whole person. And what do we do in the Sukkah?
We eat and drink.
Unlike Yom Kippur, when it is a mitzvah to fast
and ignore the body, on Sukkos the mitzvah is to
indulge the body with food and drink in the
Sukkah. On Yom Kippur we neglect our body to
allow the soul's true nature to shine forth; on
Sukkos we invite our body to join in and be
inspired too. On Yom Kippur we see the body as
being an impediment to the soul; on Sukkos, by
bringing our entire being into the holy space of
the Sukkah, and doing a mitzvah with our body,
the body becomes a partner to the soul. Then the
good resolutions of the soul can be implemented
by the body.
The Sukkah experience is one of wholesomeness.
By making the body a partner in our soul's
enterprise, our resolve from Yom Kippur can
be translated into reality. Don't miss out on
this festival, the one that brings the High
Holydays down to earth.
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Daily Dose of Dov
Dov is sober in SA for over 13 years. See his
story
here.
Our Lust Problem is Just a Symptom
The experience I have is like this: If I don't
do the behavioral things that teach me to be
free of these things (like shutting my eyes or
removing my glasses when needed, praying
caringly for the woman whose image I want to
lust with, making the calls I need to make to
other guys and admitting the sometimes
embarrassing truth about myself, diverting my
gaze from the People magazines on the table at
work, getting the heck put of Dodge when needed,
or whatever...) I'll screw up. Doing these
difficult and sometimes painful kinds of
things, shows that I am surrendering my "right"
to use lust, and they go a very long way toward
aiding my recovery.
But if I only do
those things, and consider the avodah the
recovery itself,
I am a fool. I'll screw up for
sure,
that way. That'd be taking the fight in my own
hands all over again, and that's
how I got into this mess to begin with!
It'd be proof positive that I am still
pretending that my problem was the lusting/schmutz/masturbation
- but the truth is
that my drugs of choice are just my way
of dealing with my actual perceptions that: life
is unfair and scary, that people are beneath me
and no good, and that I am a useless stinker. My
lust problem is a symptom
of my own brokenness.
If I don't learn a new attitude toward life,
people and myself, I'm doomed.
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850. |
Wednesday ~ 14
Tishrei, 5771 ~ September 22, 2010
Erev Sukkos
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In Today's Issue
-
Sukkos 1:
The Sukka - Letting go of Control
-
Sukkos 2:
Resetting the Clock to Ne'ilah
-
Daily Dose of Dov:
The Little Kid in the Back Seat
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The Sukkah - Letting go of Control
By "An Honest Mouse"
Rabbi Pinchos Roberts brings in his book
"Timeless Seasons", that the principle of
hashgocho protis is what succos is all about. We
remember how Hashem set up camp for us in the
midbar and looked after every detail of our
needs. We sit under the flimsy s'cach which
represents our utter dependence on Him.
Everything we do in a succah is all part of His
command, His plan for us. Our eating, sleeping,
talking, learning are all under His protection
and His watch.
This prepares us
for the whole year, to remember that everything that
happens in our lives, every little thing, is
part of His plan. If the guy in front of us in
line at the bank is taking forever making us
late for a meeting, that is all part of His plan.
Succos is step 3 (of the 12-Steps), we realize
that our life is planned by Hashem and we aren't
in control, there is hashgocho protis, He's
running the show.
If we can
develop this belief into a daily reality, we
will be well on the way towards recovery from
lust and from our controlling selves!
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Resting the Clock to Ne'ilah
By "Kedusha"
For those who have had setbacks after Yom
Kippur, here is some major encouragement:
Chazal call the
first day of Sukkos, "Rishon
l'Cheshbon Ha'avonos - the
first day for an accounting of sins". This
cannot simply mean that we're too busy to sin
before then, because that's not necessarily true
and, furthermore, that's not what the words
imply. It also cannot mean that we get a free
pass between Yom Kippur and Sukkos. What, then,
do Chazal mean?
I heard in the
name of the Shelah HaKadosh, that in the four
days between Yom Kippur and Sukkos, sins that
were committed are forgiven to the same extent
as if they had been done before Yom
Kippur (where the person does Teshuva). Even
though Yom Kippur has already passed, we get a
kind-of "extension" of atonement until
Sukkos starts.
What an amazing Chizuk that is!
So, for those
who have slipped, fallen, or had other setbacks,
do not despair! Stop immediately, do Teshuva TODAY and
set up solid safeguards to avoid a repeat
performance. And if you do that, you are
resetting the clock to the moments after
Ne'ilah!
~~~~~~~~~~
For those who love "bardichev's" inimitable
style - please see his great post called
"Keeping Score"
over here on our forum, along similar lines
to the vort above :-)
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Daily Dose of Dov
Dov is sober in SA for over 13 years. See his
story
here.
The Little Kid in the Back Seat
I do not expect any uplifting feelings or
enlightenment when I "give up" looking at a lust
image or whatever. I do not expect any
spiritual growth, at all.
All I expect is for Hashem to help me stay sober
today and not use lust very much. I will try not
to use it at all, of course, and ask for His
help with that. But whether I come through the
day clean in every way, or bloodied and a mess,
I will have real joy in my heart that I am still
sober when I go to bed and will hope (and ask)
for His help to do a better job, tomorrow.
BTW, the only spiritual growth I have ever had
that has real traction, has been through living
this way. The whole thing about being aware of
my madreiga was always just poison for me. It
was another way to imagine that I was in the
driver's seat. Now He is in that seat and I am
the little kid in the back complaining he is
carsick. Nu, but at least I have stopped asking
Tatty, "Well? Are we there yet?!"!
~~~~~~~~~~
Wishing
the entire GYE community a
happy, holy, clean and serene Yom Tov!
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