Torah Thought of the Day

Our Past Sins Become Our Schach

Chaza"l say that the Schach should be from "Pesoles Goren Ve'Yakev". Why do Chazal use the Lashon of "Pesoles", couldn't they have found a nicer way to describe the material we use for this holy Mitzva? 

Says the Alter Sadigerer Rebbe (son in law of the Beis Ahron of Karlin), that Rosh Hashana and Yom Kippur are times of Teshuva Me'Yira - Repentance from Fear, and Chazal say that when we repent from fear our sins becomes like "mistakes" (zedonos na'asin ki'shgagos). However, Sukkos is a time of Teshuvah Me'Ahava - Repentance through love and rejoicing. This is a much higher level of Teshuva, and Chazal say that the sins become like merits! 

This, says the Sadigerer, is the secret of the Schach. We davka take the "Pesoles"; the spoiled - the sins of our past; and through Teshuvah Me'Ahava on Sukkos, we uplift them into merits. Hashem's divine presence hovers over us in the Sukka davka in the form of our past sins, which we have merited to uplift through our repentance with love!

Testimonial of the Day

Sukkos this Year is Different

By "On the Road"

For the first time in many years, I just took some time to learn this afternoon in the Sukkah and just enjoy this mitzvah. I was able to identify with my feelings for the first time in many years.
 
Es chatai ani mazkir hayom... I remember last year Sukkos. It followed a marathon of acting out throughout Elul, the Aseres Yemei Teshuva, and the days in between Yom Kippur and Sukkos. I actually recall taking my phone into the Sukkah with me and watching videos of .... 

This year Sukkos comes after the best Elul of my life, the best Aseres yemei teshuva, a brief fall which I immediately pulled myself (with everyone's help on the forum) back on track, and great days since. WOW WOW WOW. I owe my life to GYE and all my friends here. This year, I will - with His help - continue to act correctly and not act out on my addiction, and truly dance with joy on Simchas Torah, feeling proud of the direction my life is moving in, as opposed to the usual despondent feelings of hopelessness and guilt.

 

Daily Dose of Dov

Dov is sober in SA for over 13 years. See his story here.

Lust Kills Love

Torah Thought of the Day

Why is Sukkos Right After Yom Kippur?

By "ClearEyes"

It seems that for me and a lot of people on the forum, the days after yom Kippur were especially hard. But why? Shouldn't they be easy for us? At least for a few days till Y"K wears off! Why were we falling or having such urges to fall, just moments after the Shofar blasts? It mamesh makes no sense. But its the truth!

Let's answer this question with another question. Why does Sukkos fall out when it does? Sukkos has ties with yetzsias mitzrayim and wandering in the desert. It has nothing to do with Tishrei. So why does it fall out on the 15th of Tishrei? 

The most famous answer is, that on Sukkos we are commanded to eat outside in a Sukkah. The Sukkah symbolizes either the huts we lived in the desert or the clouds which protected us during our wanderings. Yetzsias mitzrayim took place during the Spring, when people leave there houses to enjoy the weather. People are already outside in their huts. If we were commanded to eat in a sukkah then, the meaning would be misconstrued. Therefore Sukkos falls out during Fall, when people are returning to their houses.

Ok, that's a nice answer, but it doesn't answer the question 100%. Why does Sukkos fall out so close after Yom Kippur? 

Since we are doing so well with the questions, let's ask yet another question.

How can we not have something after Yom Kippur? We just spent the past 40 days returning and coming closer to Hashem. We just experienced 30 days of Elul, 2 days of Rosh Hoshana, a week of yimei teshuva and then Yom Kippur. From the whole year, Hashem is closest to us on these days. And the ability to feel Him increases as we approach Yom Kippur. And even in the holiest day itself, Neilah is the pinnacle of it all. Who doesn't cry out then to our Father in heaven and convince themselves in the bottom of their hearts that will never fall again. And then what? We blow the shofar and go home! We go back to regular life! How is this possible? How can Hashem create such a void in us, to bring us in so close, and then send us away!??

The answer is, He doesn't. He gives us a holiday. He gives us arbah minim. He gives us a Sukkah. These are what we need to maintain our connection with Him. We take the arbah minim, which represent our heart, eyes and mouth. The heart and eyes are crucial to maintaining that connection with Hashem. "V'lo suro acharei l'vavchem v'acharei enechem". What we let into our bodies through these channels affects us tremendously; GUARD them. And we all know how important it is to GUARD what comes out of our mouth. We can't even begin to imagine the destructive forces of lashon haraand talking at forbidden times in shul.

Sukka; leave your house, the comfort of this world and go out into a Sukka. Realize that we are only guests in this world and don't get attached to worldly pleasure. Spend 7 days with Hashem, learning this valuable lesson.

To answer our original question, Hashem knew these days would be hard, which is why He gave us Sukkos to fill the void left after Yom Kippur.

Let us all appreciate this special Yom Tov, a true gift from Hashem. It is for us to continue to get closer to Him after our 40 days of Teshuva. Learning to live with Him in the real world, by protecting ourselves from outside influences, and by realizing we are only here temporarily. Only after we have learned this, will we be ready to move on from Yom Kippur and live through the year.

 

Daily Dose of Dov

Dov is sober in SA for over 13 years. See his story here.

Lust Kills Love (Part 2)

Link of the day

A Shiur from theShmuz.com

Posted by "desperate_teddybear"

I just listened to this shiur that gave me a lot of chizuk. It's about the opposing desires of a person to do what's right, his animalistic instincts and how they battle each other. I've always been frustrated, telling myself - "this is MY hand, so why can't I control it?" This shiur explained that to me.

Daily Dose of Dov

Dov is sober in SA for over 13 years. See his story here.

Just Pass it By

Attitude Tip + Anecdote

Pain or Pain?
It's Your Choice.

Why do we turn to the garbage? At the end of the day, what is it that makes us keep going back to it after swearing it off so many times? A big part of it has to do with "Pain". Life can be painful at times. Most humans feel R.I.D (Restlessness, Irritable, Discontent) or H.A.L.T (Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired) almost every day. And the addiction promises us a relief; a brief moment where we can make something go our way and actually get something we want. And it's painful to say "No" to ourselves. It's painful to turn away from that juicy "image" walking by in the street. It hurts, so we just give in.

But there's a very important Yesod that if we internalize, would maybe make it a lot easier to finally give it up for good - and remain happy about it.

It is brought down in Sefarim that any "Pain" we are meant to get, we will get in the end - whether we like it or not. The amount of pain we are meant to suffer in our lives is all predetermined from above. So if we accept the pain of doing what's right and turning away, we will save ourselves much greater pain in other areas of our lives. We find this Yesod many times in the Torah, especially in the Tochacha. For example, if we are not willing to work a bit hard and serve Hashem with Simcha, we'll end up working back-breaking labor for our enemies. If we don't bear the yoke of Torah, we will bear the Yoke of hardships and suffering in much worse ways, etc...

To underscore this important Yesod, let me share a personal anecdote that someone sent me yesterday:

While usually I am able to control my eyes Ok, lately I've been a little lax. Chol Hamo'ed has been especially hard, going on outings, shopping and the like. The natural difficulty of being outdoors with the family, coupled with the pain of trying to look away from the "interesting" things all around, was just making me give up...

Until yesterday morning.

We were supposed to have a friend of mine over in our Sukka, together with his family. Right before they came, my wife and I got into a small disagreement, which she blew completely out of proportion. She ended up refusing to come out the room, she refused to cook the meal and was acting totally irrational. All my reasoning fell on deaf ears. This caused me a lot of pain, and would have been terribly embarrassing when the guests arrived.

With only a few minutes left before they were due, I stepped out to pick up some last minute things for the meal. My head was spinning and I didn't know what to do... I felt immense pain and anger... On the short drive though, I remembered having read once from Rav Arush (Garden of Peace) that Hashem speaks to us through our wives. And he also writes there that when we let our eyes stray, our wives can feel it subconsciously and that causes them to get angry at us over "nothing" and blow things completely out of proportion. I realized that Hashem was sending me a clear message, i.e. that if I don't accept the "pain" of Shmiras Ainayim, I will get pain in much worse ways from other places. I spoke to Hashem and told him that I accepted his rebuke. I undertook to try much harder again in my Shmiras Ainayim, and I accepted that no matter how "painful" it might feel to turn away, I was far better off with that pain than other meaningless pain.

When I came home a few moments later, my wife was in the kitchen cooking the meal. The Se'udah was a smashing success, and the whole fight seems to have just disappeared as if it never happened!

It's been a few days since then, and although I've been tested countless times already in Shmiras Ainayim, I have resolved to stay strong, knowing that the small pain I feel of turning away, will save me much more pain from elsewhere. And the most surprising thing is, that once I made this decision and understood Hashem's message, it's become actually EASY to turn away!

 

Daily Dose of Dov

Dov is sober in SA for over 13 years. See his story here.

Do you have the right God?

Someone who has been in SA groups in the past yet is still experiencing frequent falls, posted some of his story and ends with the following:

How can I think this way after so many years of pain and humiliation? It seems that anyone else who has experienced the pain that I have would have decided that their way isn't working, but not me.

Dov Responds:

How? Maybe cuz you are an addict.

The program is not for people who can control themselves. It's not for people who can be taught to run their lives right. It's for lunatics like me who still desire to follow women on the highway cuz they are pretty even though I have a loving wife at home. Just cuz I feel a desire does not mean that all is lost. If you waste time worrying about how base or insane your desires or tendencies are, then I'd say you haven't yet figured out how broken you are. When I get such a desire or see myself wanting to take another turn around on the subway to get a better look at a lady there, I say to myself "there I go again!" and chuckle. I make a program call - not in desperation, but just to share with another person who understands exactly how pathetic this addict is.

And we are free! We do not need to follow the lady or to get a second, better look. I can ask Him to take it away. 

If you have not developed that kind of talking and needing relationship with your G-d yet, then I'd ask what you were doing at meetings. There is nothing else but this in the program. #12 says that it's only and all about: a spiritual awakening. Getting yourself your own, real, useful G-d. If your G-d is not working for you yet, then either you don't have the right G-d yet, or you are not interested in using Him yet. If your present G-d lacks the power or desire to assist you, I'd suggest you've got the wrong god. If he has that, then I'd ask why you are not yet using Him.

To me, it all comes down to my G-d and my desire to use Him. When Lust was your god, how did you use it? I am dead serious here. The answer to that question is another indispensable tool for me (but as you already did the 2nd step, I assume you looked at that one already. But if you didn't, there is no time like the present). 

You are not alone in any of the troubles you have. Stay in the game.

Attitude Tip of the Day

Guilt is More Dangerous

We received the following e-mail from a Bachur who tried hard to stop many times but was never able to fully succeed. He wrote:

There were times when I felt that maybe I should just let go of Yiddishkeit since I can't stop masturbating and it is such a grave sin. I was in touch with Dr. Sorotzkin and I asked him the following:

"The cold-turkey approach doesn't seem to work for me, but I can't become perfect over night, and I am trying to do the best under the circumstances. The way I see it, Hashem does not expect me to be perfect; he just wants me to try, even if I grow slowly. Do you agree, or do you think I need to always feel guilt?"

He answered as follows:

"You are certainly correct: See Rav Matisyohu Salomon, With Hearts Full of Faith (Mesorah, 2002) regarding Balei Teshuvah who are unable to instantly give up bad habits, where he distinguishes between "compromise, which is absolutely forbidden, and gradualism, which is acceptable and unavoidable." pp. 264-266.

See also "The Chinese Bamboo" - http://www.aish.com/h/hh/gar/57973927.html

See also Rabbi Aharon Feldman, "The eye of the storm" p. 236 re. a Jewish Homosexual who is unable to change his orientation... He "only needs to cease forbidden activity. It is obvious that for many people this will be difficult, and might have to be accomplished over an extended period of time..."

When I asked Dr. Sorotzkin if I could go to a non-Jewish psychologist who does not think that masturbating once in a while is a problem at all, or if I should be concerned that this may make me apathetic, he answered:

"The danger of feeling too guilty is greater than the danger of not feeling guilty enough (See Sichos Musser from Rav Chaim Shmulevitz Ma'mer 55 in the new edition). If the non-Jewish psychologist can help you be an emotionally healthier person while he respects the fact that your religious perspective can motivate you to try to grow in areas that seem less important to him, that sounds like a good idea."

And I will end off with something Dr. Sorotzkin sent me (translated from Hebrew):

Harav Moshe Munak (Aspaklariya shel Torah" Jerusalem, 1974, page 103-104):

A Mechanech once told me: A student came to me with a Kitzur Shulchan Aruch in his hand and read: "It is prohibited to masturbate, and this sin is more stringent than all the other sins of the Torah, and those who do this, not only are they transgressing a big sin, but they are in excommunication, and on them the Pasuk says "your hands are filled with blood" and it is as if he killed someone". (Kitzur Shulchan Aruch 151, 1). So the student said, "I am a serial killer, I have no atonement, and I will continue to kill, my life is lost". So the Mechanech asked me: "What should I answer him?".

I told him that the expression "worse than all the sins of the Torah" is not literal (see Even Ha'Ezer 23, 1, and the Beis Shmuel there). And I opened up for him Hilchos Lashon Hara and there it states: "...and it is a grave sin that causes killings of Jewish people, and that is why the Torah puts it together with the commandment 'do not stand on your friend's blood', see what happened with Do'eg Ho'adomi". And afterwards: "And the decree was not sealed on our fathers in the desert only on the sin of Lashon Hara" (siman 30, 1-2)".

So tell your student: "I too, the teacher, am a murderer, for I too do not always succeed in holding back from speaking Lashon Hara. We are both sinning grave sins, and both of us should not give up hope, but rather strengthen ourselves to fix our ways, each one in his area."

By equating masturbation with Lashon Hara, I took out the thorn that accompanies sins in the area of "arayos". I took the sin out from the realm of abnormal and put it into the realm of sins that every man stumbles in. I didn't get rid of the shame altogether, I simply moved it over from the realm of irrational fears to the realm of the conscience and the sphere of universal Fear of Heaven".

Daily Dose of Dov

Dov is sober in SA for over 13 years. See his story here.

Sakanta or Issura?

The Gemara says that sakanta - danger, is more stringent than issura - prohibition. That is how I view step 1. Lust has changed - for me - from issura to sakanta. I take it exactly literally. Sakanta is more stringent and thus more germain to me (more important) than whether it's a aveira, ossur, disgusting, or whatever we'd want to call it. It's fire and I run from it like fire exactly... on a good day. So kedusha does not enter my picture - sanity and integrity (to Hashem and to people and to myself) do. I do believe that this is probably the way Hashem has prepared for me to work toward kedusha, but the success of that endeavor is clearly none of my affair. Gevalt for me on the day it occurs to me that I am a kodosh. It'll probably all go into the toilet in twenty minutes. Moshe rabeinu could know his madreiga and even that he was an onov - I do not believe that I can.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Days of our Lives

Rav Noach zt"l used to say how interesting and sad it is that people are preoccupied with movies and TV - our own lives obviously aught to be riveting - or at least very interesting! Certainly more interesting than a show - all the more so, cuz our lives are real, hello!

Hearing that from him, with his big, chuckling voice, really killed me, at the time....

Practical Tips of the Day

Increasing Our Spiritual Highs After Yom Tov

By "an honest mouse"

Since I've joined GYE b"H, I bounce back a lot quicker than I used to after a fall; I'm able to treat it as a passing glitch in the overall trend rather than the overall trend.

By nature, I'm an anxious worrying type and since joining GYE I've been much calmer and more relaxed.

I've started to accept that it is a lifelong journey of progression and I'm not going to recover from one day to the next, which in turn helps me to get back up after a fall and keep going.

My last few falls started when I was alone with nothing to occupy me, on the computer in college, driving around by myself (the streets in the summer...) or frustrated that my wife is having trouble becoming clean.

My therapist (who is a rabbi and was trained in addictions by Rabbi Abraham Twerski) told me about a book of Rabbi Twerski's where he says that a lot of addictions are caused by a lack of spirituality - he calls it "spirituality deficiency syndrome". My last good runs (36 & 21 clean days) were from selichos through Succos & Pesach and he reckons that I'm craving spiritual highs and turn to lust when there's a void. He suggested to think of ways to increase my 'Jewish highs'. I'm not enjoying my night seder (I'm in law school during the day) and as it's my only proper seder, it's very frustrating that its not fulfilling so I'm gonna think about changing that around. He also suggested appreciating life, taking 10 minutes a day to appreciate the sunset or trees or colors in the sky, or something to make it real - if you've got something real that you're enjoying, it keeps you further away from fantasy.

When I have a productive day I'm much calmer and in control, if I'm not productive I suppose I get restless and frustrated which makes me more susceptible.

Summary: When I'm spiritually fulfilled, productive & occupied, I'm Ok, but there are gonna be times that I'm alone, bored, depressed, frustrated, unoccupied and spiritually low and I have to think of ways to protect myself then.

Summary: When I'm spiritually fulfilled, productive & occupied, I'm Ok, but there are gonna be times that I'm alone, bored, depressed, frustrated, unoccupied and spiritually low and I have to think of ways to protect myself then. 

Here are two ideas I came up with so far:

1) Calling someone - my wife in certain situations, but I still need to think of someone inspirational who will have time for trickier/heavier urges/times.

2) Making a list of attitude reasons why it's bad to lust and why it's great not to lust, and I will have to read it before I do anything (bad).

Daily Dose of Dov

Dov is sober in SA for over 13 years. See his story here.

Without real change, we'll fall again.

Dov responds to the post of "an honest mouse" above:

Heiligeh yid, 

The very fact that you are reaching out as you are, is evidence of a total shift in your attitude. For how long were you essentially struggling with this alone and in secret? So you have changed. You are making slow but very significant and meaningful progress. In my opinion, you are one of the luckiest people alive on this planet.

As far as the eitzos you mentioned, yes - every addict I know needs a multi-pronged approach to this. One minute it may be enough to make a brief call to admit the truth about what I am struggling with in order to let go of the struggle - at other times, it may be necessary to honestly ask my Best Friend to take away my lust right now - at other times it may be necessary for me to say to my Best Friend, "RS"O, whatever it is that I am looking for in that image or fantasy or crazy idea, let me find it in You, instead (when You are ready to give it to me. I trust You now.) - at other times it may be necessary for me to use a meeting to get it out of my system - sometimes I simply need to get the heck out of dodge and then make the call or prayer... it all depends. Some days I am so screwed up in the head that it isn't a lust thing I need to face, it's my insanity over a resentment, fear, or entitlement... that needs surrender, and the work of the 4th, 5th, 6th, and 7th steps. There is no other way I know to get free of that - and the method of the steps always works for me. But all these things are just eitzos - they are not touching on the core of what I need, and they are all doomed to failure, in my opinion. If you hear me so far, read on.

But by "a multi-pronged approach" I do not mean a really long list of tricks. Please understand me here. If I am not living - or learning how to live - my life differently - for a different motivation and in a different way - then I am doomed to be the same guy and have the same troubles. Sure it takes time, but the tricks are just temporary measures, and if inside I really have not started to seriously give myself to Hashem, then what I will be left with after "resisting" 553 temptations, is essentially a tremendous resentment to G-d for withholding ALL THAT PLEASURE from me. Tell me, why else do people fall after a month, two weeks, or whatever, over and over? What's really building up? Aren't they fighting with all their might AND asking Hashem to help them with the fight? 

The problem is that they are fighting at all! Even WITH Hashem's help! It's like a guy in a rehab lock-down. Take away the drink for long enough and he goes crazy. Even if Hashem Himself helps keep the drink from him - it doesn't matter who's doing that. Without a real change, he will eventually have to drink again. He'll have to. So, fighting this is not the answer. But neither is giving into it - that we found out and it's why we are here, of course. If you are truly a lust addict, I would bet that at your core, whether you realize it or not, you honestly believe that you need this lust stuff. That means that you believe that it is good for you. No matter how bad it is for you also. I do not buy the typical Yetzer Hara model that many here use, that a simple self-destructive stupid thing in us that wants the lust for some evil reason. Nu, maybe it's semantics to many, but I really believe that my very heart - for whatever reason - really believes that the warm, sweet feeling from porn and masturbation is absolutely needed. I am innocent for my perceived needs - they are my perceived needs! It is a horrible mistake, but they are what part of me really believes. Rav Noach zt"l would tell you that even an Arab terrorist y"s really believes in his heart that what he is doing is not evil. He believes that it is in his best interest. Same with me, the pervert, who wants to look at that pretty lady in the subway. It's the way I am wired and not a matter of guilt, at all. It's just the truth - I am screwed up and feel that it's good for me. But Hashem IS all powerful and can overcome my wiring. He can fix me to be free of the need to do that stuff. And He is today, so far. I am alone now in my parent's house - the house with all the dirty books I grew up with reading in my masturbation and lust "training years", and have no fear that I will look at any of them. They were the most major compulsion in my life for ten hormonal years, but I am free today - just today. Am I "strong"? ABSOLUTELY NOT! It is 100% a gift, period. And it took time to get open enough to receive it. Do I deserve credit? For what? For getting the help I need so that I do not shoot myself in the head by looking in one of those books? For that I deserve credit?

Announcement

 

Elya's Phone conference is beginning a new series of calls each Wednesday night at 7:45 PM Eastern Time.

 

Call in number: 712-429-690       

PIN: 225356.

 

See here for more info on Elya's Phone Group

 

Also, Elya will be coming to the NY, NJ area between Dec. 22-28 and would like to set up some live groups and meetings.  If you are interested, please let him know and he'll get back to you. Write to: yidvre@gmail.com

 

Elya's HOTLINE is available every night, preferably after 10 ET, but leave a message earlier and if he doesn't answer, he'll call you back.

 

Hotline Number: 901 685-3256

Attitude Tip of the Day
 

Fixing the Past
 

Someone posted on the forum that they are working the 12-Steps and making progress, but every time they remember the terrible sins they did and the harm they caused others, they become depressed and even suicidal, thinking of the irreversible damage that was done.

 

"Smile4Life" replied:

 

All I can do is just share with you a quick story I heard about a certain gadol whose father was very ill and he would sit at his bedside day and night so that he would not be alone. One night, this rav's children (the sick guy's grandchildren) came to him and told him that they would sit by zeidy for the night so that he should be able to get some rest because he was tending to his father all the time. After he refused a number of times, they finally persuaded him to get some rest. That night, the rav's father was niftar.  When the rav saw that his father passed away he was convinced that he murdered his own father.  He said that his father saw him at the bedside all the time and that night when he looked and saw that his son was not there, he figured that his son had given up on him and he therefore died. He was taken to many rabanim who all tried to convince him that it was not his fault, but it didn't do anything and he was so miserable because he really thought he killed his father. Finally he was taken to the Chofetz Chaim (I think) who after failing to convince him that it was not his fault, told him like this: "Fine. Let's say you did kill your father. But guess what? There is something called Teshuva and you can make it as though you never killed him. Don't give up and it will be alright." Just that bit of chizzuk made the rav so happy and he was able to do teshuva and go back to normal. 

 

I think the same message applies here. The gate of Teshuva is always open and especially when there are tears, for the gate of tears are never closed and there is always a way back. Just hang in there, put on a smile, and it will be alright.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

I heard a similar story with the "Yenuka" of Stolin (Rav Yisrael Perlow Zatza"l), who was approached by a man who also felt he had killed his father. This man had suggested that his father undergo a certain surgical procedure, which had resulted in the father's death. "If only I would have not suggested it", the man bemoaned, "my father could have still been alive". The Yenuka answered him as follows: The words "would have" and "could have" are Keffirah.

 

A Jew has to look at the past as orchestrated by Hashem. Yes, even our sins - in a sense. When doing Teshuvah, the focus should not be "If only I hadn't done that", but rather "How can I be different - and fix the past - with my actions NOW".

 

We only have the NOW. We need to look at each moment as if we were just born, and as if our past is being given to us NOW as "a package" to fix.

Daily Dose of Dov

Dov is sober in SA for over 13 years. See his story here.

 

Sometimes it's good enough just to be sober

 

 Dov sent me the following chat below and wrote:

 

I saw the name "J" in my 'Google Friends' list and did not know who he was, so I chatted to him to find out - and this is how it unfolded:

 

Dov: Hello?

 

J: Hi. I'm reading the Chizuk e-mail right now. I've been having a real rough day today, the worst in months, and have been making lots of calls. I think it's tremendous siyata dishmaya that you contacted me, particularly today, which has been brutal. Any words of chizuk? I feel like I'm white knuckling it without achieving the promises of the program.

 

Dov: Gevalt. We need to be sober. It's so difficult sometimes... and it's just the minimum basic requirement for having a normal life today! But it's still so hard to want to do some days. Nu. That's the way it is. You are not alone, at all.

 

J: The "Daily Dose of Dov" I was reading in the e-mail speaks about changing the way I live. I'm trying to, but feel POWERLESS to achieve it on my own. I want to be serene and balanced and connected, but it just aint going!

 

Dov: Nu. Take it easy. Some days we see absolutely nothing - no progress, no beauty in our lives. But it is a privilege to just be sober today.

 

J:  I see. Basically you wrote in the "Daily Dose" that we need to change our way of living or we will eventually act out.

 

Dov: Yeah, the old-timers say, "if sobriety is all there is, I'm not interested!"... but that's the general derech. For bad days, we need to switch to the 'extra tank' - the one that says to us that "if sobriety is all there is, it is still worth it". At least that's my opinion.

 

J: Dov, bottom line, I see myself as a disconnected, lonely person, self-obsessed and full of character defects, fears and all the eser makkos. I have very little faith that anything can give me a real fix, including the program. I need G-d to do that but I've asked him to for 30 years with almost no change. Question: will I have the life I am looking for??????? In other words, I can see the program helping people be sober, but it is much harder to see the program fixing people inside.

 

Dov: It can be even better than what you are looking for. I have seen a ton of 'fixing inside' happen. Often, the people themselves do not recognize it, because they live with themselves every day (and so it's hard to see the slow change they undergo). But at least until you have really worked the steps (and especially come to rely on 4-7 at least every now and then), do not expect to grow very much.

 

 J:  Ok, I am still holding by step three with my sponsor

 

Dov:  Don't get me wrong - people grow a lot just from sitting on their hands and not touching themselves too! ... but not very much... and it gets boring soon. The pink cloud goes and life is hard. It really is. The steps are indispensable, and if an addict in recovery is not depending on the steps to get by, It's hard to see hope for any growth at all in the long run.

 

J:  Okay, thank you, you've made me feel better, knowing that I might not be seeing the results I want because I haven't done the work yet. It really has lifted my spirits, thank you! I really need G'd's help, and I need him to do for me things which I am not even sure what they are! But according to what you're saying, I can look forward to that happening, and I will.

 

Dov: You are welcome. Good night.

 

J:  Thanks, I really think you were sent from Heaven to contact me on this particular day, (incidentally this is the first time you've done so). Coincidence? I doubt it... Take care and all the best.

Repeat Announcement

 

Elya's Phone conference is beginning a new series of calls each Wednesday night  (that's TONIGHT) at 7:45 PM Eastern Time.

 

Call in number: 712-429-0690       

PIN: 225356.

 

See here for more info on Elya's Phone Group

 

Also, Elya will be coming to the NY, NJ area between Dec. 22-28 and would like to set up some live groups and meetings.  If you are interested, please let him know and he'll get back to you. Write to: yidvre@gmail.com

 

Elya's HOTLINE is available every night, preferably after 10 ET, but leave a message earlier and if he doesn't answer, he'll call you back.

 

Hotline Number: 901 685-3256

 

Attitude Tip of the Day
 

It's Not 'All or Nothing'

 

Someone wrote:

 

I'm scared that if I fall, I'll have to start over again and it's gonna be hard. I've come so far and I dunno if I'll start again...

"7Up" answered:

I think it's important that you realize the koach and importance of each and every second clean. Each individual second will stand as a defense and s'char for you at 120 Iy"H. As important as counting 90 days may feel, never lose sight of the REAL goal: Total abstinence ONE DAY AT A TIME.

Even if you fall ch'v, it would not mean you were back to square one. All it would mean is that you lost a few seconds, and were continuing the climb from almost the place you left off. 

Rabbi Akiva remained away from home 24 years straight, even though he was right next to his front door after 12 years. Why didn't he at least stop in, say hello to his wife and then return? Because 12+12 is not the same at 24 straight without interruption. BUT, even if he had come home, that would NOT have negated the first 12 at all.

So too with this addiction. You say you wouldn't have the strength / desire to start again if you fall. So I'm telling you, 'not true'. Its not 'all or nothing'. HKBH wants to see effort, and each and every second clean is a precious gem in His crown. Keep adding those jewels!

Daily Dose of Dov

Dov is sober in SA for over 13 years. See his story here.

 

I'm Just Me; Hashem's Little Guy
 

Someone posted about his progress - and struggle - on the forum:

 

You'd think I'd be HAPPY that certain urges are going away and my ability to walk away from certain aveiras is strengthening. But I've realized-- er, um, I'm NOT. 

Why not? Because for so long I had been wearing my challenges on my sleeve. 

> As a badge of honor for how "different" I was and how "amazing" I've been for conquering so much for so long. 

> As an excuse to avoid all kinds of growth in my frumkeit.

> As a convenient tool for avoiding certain flavors of emotional (not physical, emotional) intimacy with my wife.

> As a way to feel special, different, deserving of G-d's love as compensation for the challenges He gave me.

> I could go on and on.

 

What a bunch of ego, ego, ego mess to have to tackle. Yuck.

The bottom line is, if I'm no longer going to be able to "define myself" in terms of certain sexual orientations, preferences, fantasies, whatever... then maybe I'm scared I've lost my uniqueness, my excuses, my... ahdunno, I gotta think about it.

Just when I thought I'd have an easy time of this work for a few weeks.... Darn.

 

Dov Responds:
 

That post was a shocker. Not just for it's plain realness, but for how true it is for me, as well. I wrote about it to someone else, once, crassly saying that the way it felt to me years ago was that if I couldn't be recognized as the next gadol of the generation, "could I at least be a porn star?" Yeah, it's sick. But that's the way I really was before recovery: Desperate for something outside me to give me Reality. And schmutz - being my drug of choice - felt very real, and vital. Those acting-out moments seemed larger-than-life... till they almost killed me.

 

And like you shared, in recovery there is a temptation to remain struggling to get people's attention, to get G-d's attention, and to stick with what our gut feels is the only thing that "works". It's our comfort zone. That struggle defined my relationship with Hashem. In fact, the only way I could see myself being able to approach Hashem at all, was as a guy who just did horrific things! "Take me back! Iv'e sinned terribly! Please take me back!" Hey - what nice god could resist that?! The idea that He just loves me like crazy no matter what, and living with that all the time, was - well - crazy!

Somewhere along the way early on, an absolute need for something outside me had infected my very core like a virus.
 

I really needed that image, that woman, that [imagined] warm approval, that exact pleasure, or else. For some folks it's $1 mil, acid, Blue Marlins, TV, whatever. For me, it was a feeling, a trance, that I could secretly tune into using a part of my body and my imagination - whenever I wanted to. Kind of hard to run away from. Probably everyone here knows exactly what that's like, and that's why they are here. After a while it doesn't work any more, but we still feel we really need it. That's insanity and blindness. 

So, Recovery held out the promise of 'self-discovery'. Of actually growing to be comfortable without anything outside me - with just being me. Even w/o "being" anything important to anybody else. Just me. Hashem's little: guy. And at first, that idea seemed like the stupidest thing I had ever heard. I didn't want it. I didn't believe it, either. And maybe that was a good thing... I shudder to think what it would have been like to actively "work" on that! It had to happen naturally for me, like most gifts of recovery, and kind of bite me on the behind. Like: "Surprise! So, you are not a useless piece of crap after all!" - that kind of subtle discovery is nice.

The way it is turning out, the self-discovery is happenning slowly. And the person I am getting to know is pretty, and ugly; impressive and pathetic. And it's kind of cool. Lust never offerred me that - it taught me I was just a desperate guy running somewhere. Either from something or to something. "That's all there is, buddy!", is what my disease would say if it could talk. 

So take it easy, and consider not working on the outcomes so dang much. Or maybe not at all. Outcomes are Hashem's. (Sounds like it should be a possuk somewhere...) It does say in Mishlei, "birtzos Hashem darkei ish, gam oivav yashlim itto!" - When the ways of a man are approved-of by Hashem, then even the man's enemies make peace with him! Does the man do that? Apparently not. Hashem does it. It all works out cuz G-d makes it work out when the time is right.

Parsha Talk - Noach

 

"Tzadik Bedorosav"

 

In the beginning of Parshas Noach, Rash"i brings that some stress the praise of Noach that he was a tzadik even in his [lowly] generation and had he lived in Avrohom Avinu's generation he would have been so much greater. Other stress the weakness of Noach, that only in his lowly generation was he considered a tzadik, but had he been in the days of Avrohom Avinu, he would have been a nobody.

 

Rav Pam ZT"L asked, it is easy to understand why someone would say good things about Noach, but why would someone want to make a big deal about his shortcomings and weaknesses? (He added parenthetically that some people are not bothered by this question, but that itself is a problem.) In fact, in this week's Parsha, Chaza"l learn that one should not talk about the short coming of anything from the fact that the Torah used extra letters to say about the non-kosher animal that it is not kosher rather than calling it "tameh", so certainly for a tzadik, one should not talk about his less positive aspects.

 

He answered that the point of talking about Noach's shortcomings is a lesson to us. Noach would have been a 'nobody' in Avraham's days, but in his days, the torah calls him a Tzadik. And not only does he get the title of tzadik, he even gets the title of tzadik yesod olam!

 

We too, may not be at the level we want to - or plan on - being at, but we need to appreciate that if we rise above the "problematic" and trying world we live in, even if we don't reach the levels of prior generations we can still be considered a tzadik (and perhaps even more of a tzadik than those who lived in less trying generations).

 

All those who are on this Chizuk e-mail list and are actively pursuing a holier life, are Tzadikim in OUR GENERATION!

Saying of the Day
 

Daily Dose of Dov

Dov is sober in SA for over 13 years. See his story here.

 

How do we turn our will over to G-d?
 

Someone wrote an e-mail to Dov:

 

Dov, I read the Big Book and 'the 12 and 12' on the 3rd step. I was also on the call this morning but couldn't talk because I was with other people... I have a difficulty with step 3 when trying to put it into action, perhaps you can help: The third step says: "We made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him". Doing Hashem's will 24/7 is a really really high madreiga.  As a frum Jew in a very Yeshivish affiliation of Judaism, this means learning every spare minute, no bitul zman, learning halahcha, mussar etc.  davening 3 times a day with a minyan, from brochos all the way through to the end, etc.  My point is, that right now, I do none of those things, I can hardly get up for shachris, and to all of a sudden do G-d's will 24/7 with the way I understand G-d's will to be, is kind of impossible. So I'm stuck with not doing G-d's will. I hope you get my point.

 

Dov Responds (part 1):

 

Dear Yid,

 

The point you raise really touches a nerve for me. Many struggle with this, I am sure.

Years before I knew what being 'an addict' meant, while I was a bochur in yeshivah in EY, I discovered the Mesilas Yeshorim. I loved it from the start. He was so clear, so straight. "This was going to help me and give me the clarity I craved so that I could quit muddling through this life and finally learn how to become really Good." I do not mean this critically nor to poke fun at my naivete. The feelings were genuine and precious, a window into my soul. A very muddy window, but a window nonetheless. The mere fact that I sensed within me a real yearning to strive for Truth and Goodness was encouraging. Sort of like Pinocchio, I discovered that I was a 'real Jew'! I learned the sefer with hispaylus and tried to make it the context of my days. I lived in it. It was a beautiful period in my life, though it didn't last very long.

 

That year went on, and when I got to the chapters about N'kiyus, something started to bother me....and somewhere in the beginning of P'rishus I stopped learning the sefer altogether! Deep in my gut I knew that I just could not keep using this sefer, no matter how great it was. To me, RMCH"L's characterization of hachasidus ha'amiti being rachok mitzi'ur sichleinu, was an understatement.

 

I felt absolutely certain that I'd never be able to succeed at what he was proposing to me as the the only real life of a Jew. I was depressed to know that I didn't really want to be that way! It would mean no more bitul-Torah at all, no more chilling...no more fun! It may sound petty to an insensitive purist, but I tell you: I was absolutely terrified at the time. Seeing that I didn't measure up was deeply disappointing (maybe Iwasn't 'a real boy' after all?) and I just ran away rather than face up to that ugliness. Mediocrity and a bit of mindlessness is so much less bothersome. Please don't mistake me...I wanted so much to hold onto what I discovered and to succeed as an enlightened Yid - mediocrity disgusts me - but the extremism and perfection I saw in the RMCH"L was just too much. Sure, I wanted to be close to Hashem, but at what price? 

1- Perfection? I was terrified of never being able to ever slack off and never being able to just have some fun. There'd be no room for 'me', at all. And I knew I'd fail at white-knuckling that lifestyle.

 
2- Living as a failure? Mediocrity? I couldn't stomach that, either! I needed perfection! Funny, maybe, but truly an enigma.

So where can an immature egomaniac (gotta do it my way) with an inferiority complex (mediocrity means I am a failure) go? 

I dealt with it back then by closing my Mesilas Yeshorim and not opening it up again. Just hide like a toddler covering his eyes so he cannot see you! Till years later, when Sobriety and Recovery (of all things!) invited me back into a safe relationship with Hashem.
 

So the way I resolve the problem you raise with the 3rd step (really doing G-d's Will) - is with the 3rd step itself! You see, accepting that Hashem really is the Master means finally accepting that He is also the only One who really knows what's really going on in me. He understands me. He knows me and has a plan for me right where I am (see this idea expressed beautifully in the first piece on parshas Re'ei in "Nesivos Shalom", and in every shtik'l in R' Tzvi-Meyer's shmuess'n). He is not uninformed or 'figuring anything out'. He is aware of my limitations even more than I am aware of them. He has patience and will help me grow from where I am. But in my extremist immaturity, that's not good enough for me...

 

To be Continued...

Practical Tip of the Day
 

Take Advantage of the Good Times
 

"Kedusha" writes:

 

Davka when things are going well is a wonderful time to strengthen our defenses. For example, install a filter (with the password held by someone else and with only the person holding the password having the ability to reset it), strengthen the settings on our existing filter, install monitoring software, or get an accountability partner/sponsor.  This will, b'Ezras Hashem, provide added layers of protection the next time we are faced with a Nisayon.

Over Shabbos, I came across a nice Mekor for this idea. Regarding Asa, who was one of the Malchei Yehuda, it says: "Vayiven Arei Metzura b'Yehuda, Ki Shakta Ha'aretz Ve'ein Imo Milchama Ba'shanim Ha'eileh, Ki Hei'niach Hashem Lo - And he built fortified cities in Yehuda, for the land was tranquil and he had no wars during these years, for Hashem had granted him rest" (Divrei HaYamim II 14, 5). As the Stone Tanach notes (p. 1967): "He took advantage of the years of tranquility to bolster his defenses" (see also Metzudas David).

Our desires may not give us tranquility for years at a time, but we all have periods where things seem to be going well. Especially at those times, we should avoid complacency. Instead, we should follow King Asa's example and take advantage of the good times by bolstering our defenses.

Saying of the Day

 

 

Daily Dose of Dov

Dov is sober in SA for over 13 years. See his story here.

 

How do we turn our will over to G-d? (Part 3)

 

Someone wrote an e-mail to Dov:

 

Dov, I read the Big Book and 'the 12 and 12' on the 3rd step. I was also on the call this morning but couldn't talk because I was with other people... I have a difficulty with step 3 when trying to put it into action, perhaps you can help: The third step says: "We made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him". Doing Hashem's will 24/7 is a really really high madreiga.  As a frum Jew in a very Yeshivish affiliation of Judaism, this means learning every spare minute, no bitul zman, learning halahcha, mussar etc.  davening 3 times a day with a minyan, from brochos all the way through to the end, etc.  My point is, that right now, I do none of those things, I can hardly get up for shachris, and to all of a sudden do G-d's will 24/7 with the way I understand G-d's will to be, is kind of impossible. So I'm stuck with not doing G-d's will. I hope you get my point.

 

Dov Responds (part 3/3):

 

I see it this way now: My job - the Job that Hashem has for me - is to try to stay sober first - before anything else. For without it, the entire binyan is useless. To keep the halocha, at least at the bottom line halacha - without chumras; to try to work these steps in order to avoid some of the obstacles to sobriety, so that I maintain sanity and a connection with Him this day. Maybe then I will let Him in and actually not trash all the other gifts He gives me, like sobriety, ability to be mekayem mitzvos, my job, and loving other people, just for this day.
 

I need to learn how to live a sober lifestyle. My awareness of Hashem needs to be one that is real, that has an emotional effect on me. I do not at all refer to davening with tears or not. I am talking about the rest of my life - out of the shul: at work, at the table, in the train - and in the bedroom. It's gotta make a real difference to me that there "is a G-d in the world!" as a great chassidishe yid  (the Bardichiver Rebbe) put it. I cannot tolerate too much crazy living - cannot be burning the candle at both ends any more. If Halacha requires that I be at every minyan, on time, and daven with kavonoh, and do everything l'Shem Shomayim.... which it does, then I ask you: who has such expectations? (Do you, of your own children? I hope not!) Did He expect perfection from humans? Well, that's not happening, so what was He expecting? I guess living as a 'Torah yid' must  be a process - perfection is not expected of us. "Yehudi hu tamid baderech, ein hu yachol lavo l'shum tachlis - a Jew is always 'on-the-way', he can never reach a goal". We are expected to try. Learning to live with this reality is part of growing up. 

And the funny thing is that the rules change as we grow up! More good stuff becomes available to us over time, not less. You can call that stuff 'madreigos', but I think that makes it a game or 'contest' rather than real life. We become more given-over to Hashem and ever more willing to do for Him. For example, not only can I do some good things now that I couldn't do before, but now they flow naturally... they are just part of the way I need to live as the kind of yid I am. No madreigos, just realities. I need to do right, in order to remain honest and (at least somewhat) given-over to Hashem today. Living honestly with Hashem, my very Best, Eternal Friend, even though I am still a work in progress. 

I say take it one day at a time, right this minute, and do the best you can to be honest and open with Hashem. Make sobriety your first priority, and do it to open yourself to Him, cuz you can't be open to Him at all if you are wrapped up in lust. It takes us over. Be devoted to the ones you love and that means to be useful to them and to enjoy them. Ask Hashem to help you do as good a job as you can keeping His Torah, and specifically, to help you attend one minyan more on time than you did last week. To do one less stupid thing today than you did yesterday. He knows you are not perfect yet. Don't put him in the same condemming place you might put your own conscience. He only loves you and only wants you to succeed. 

I believe that if you do this, you have the very best chance of eventually coming to the state that you are learning without wasting time, always at minyan early and prepared and davening with kavonoh, etc.... 

I believe that if you do not do this, but stay wrapped up in self-judgement and perfectionism, you will get the exact same results you have been getting for the past few years: a sweet yid who is trying to be perfect, isn't, and hates himself for it. Or, a yid who lives as though Hashem thinks he should be perfect, and hates Hashem for it. In the meantime, we are acting out with lust and screwing our lives up slowly.

Not a nachas ruach, for sure.

I am tired now, and need to go to bed... part of not burning the candle at both ends that I used to do so much, and still often do. G-d help me shut the computer and the lights, brush my teeth, and go to bed like a good yiddeleh right now. Thanks.

Attitude Tip of the Day
 

Cruel Joke?

 

"FightingYid" writes on our forum for the first time:

 

My struggles with lust have plagued me since my 15th birthday. Since then, it's "all day every day". Now I'm never of fan of asking questions on Hashem, but I truly don't understand why he did this to me. I was given a curse that has been with me for 10+ years, everyday, and then I get married and - bless my wife she is great - but she has serious sexual issues. She not always interested, doesn't think its SOOO fundamental for a marriage, etc. basically it isn't so good. So what's a guy like me supposed to do?! 90% of the women in the world are showing off everything they got, are we just supposed to go crazy!? It seems like a cruel joke to me. How are we supposed to be "Ivdu es Hashem b'smicha"?

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

We replied:

 

Welcome fightingYid. We can all feel your pain and understand your suffering. I would greatly advise you to read the "Attitude Handbook" to get answers to some of your questions.

No one said life was meant to be easy. We have a journey to undergo in this world. Hashem plays many so called "cruel jokes" on us. They are the bumps in the road on the journey called "life" that make us into MEN, not animals; into G-d centered people, and not "self-centered". 

If it all went smoothly, we would never be forced to grow into the people Hashem wants us to be.

 

I suggest reading Dov's story here, and start reading the "Daily Doses of Dov" in the chizuk e-mails and you'll begin to see what Hashem has in store for us if we learn to deal with these "cruel jokes" in the way HE intended us to.

You've come to the right place. We hope you stick around  

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

"Kutun" Replied:

 

God: Avram, go to Canaan... I will make you great there....

Avram: Sure!

Avram goes to Canaan.

Suddenly, Canaan has a hunger, and Avram is forced to leave to Mitzrayim, where his wife is kidnapped etc.

 
Cruel Joke?
or 
Nisayon (uplifting experience)?

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

"Ur-a-Jew" replied:

The short answer is: that G-d doesn't play cruel jokes.

Before I get to the long answer, I have two observations. First I feel your pain. I remember well the hours I would sulk in bed wallowing in self-pity, anger and resentment over my wife's stubborn refusal to be with me. Why couldn't she just get it and understand me. Did she ever even give some thought to how hard it was for me to have to be exposed on a constant basis simply by commuting to work, to women who pranced around in clothing that was more like lingerie? Why did she have to give me such a hard time by refusing to be with me and refusing to even acknowledge my needs? It obviously was all her fault. I give to her constantly. I wasn't asking for anything more than what was written in the Shulchan Aruch. How could she be so stubborn? And then someone told me to "take off the sun-glasses". I'll explain shortly.

My second observation is to thank you. Reading your post made me realize how far I've come (although I still have plenty to go) and therefore how grateful to Hashem I have to be. Four months ago, I would have had the same feelings you have after a day like yesterday. The whole day I was thinking about my wife. I was really in the mood for her. I sent her messages which certainly let her know that. I bought her presents. In the back of my mind, I knew her period would be here shortly, so it was like a ticking time bomb. And then I came home after a long day and she told me she was going to sleep. I would have said, "how could you?" (I would have thought "the nerve of her, how uncaring could she be?"), gotten all sour, etc.  But I said good night to her and went on living my life with the knowledge that she really does love me, that she is just plain and simply tired and that if G-d wanted me to have sex last night, I would have had it. This morning I woke up without anger and resentment.  She, of course, sensed it (because our wives sense everything) and gave me a huge smile and hug, which of course only reinforced what I already knew, that she really does love me, and I went on living my life.

Now back to the glasses. Imagine a person is wearing sunglasses but doesn't realize it. To him the whole world is dark. You can scream at him till your blue in the face that the world is bright and sunny but it won't help as long as he doesn't realize that he has sunglasses on. 

 

My friend, you are walking around with sunglasses on. So the world is going to look dark to you. Until you take off the glasses, it will always be your wife's fault. No one will be able to convince you otherwise.

Fortunately for you, you have found GYE. Here you will learn that you are wearing sunglasses and having trouble taking take them off. Will it be easy? No, it won't. When you're exposed to bright life after sitting in the dark for so long, your eyes hurt. But it's worth it. Because there is nothing comparable to the beauty and light of the sun.

You'll learn that sex is optional.

Go out and buy yourself the book "Garden of Peace" by Rav Shalom Arush.

You'll learn to be a Man (a giver), and not a Lady (a taker). 

 

You'll learn about the mirror effect, and how your conduct controls the way your wife acts towards you.

And first and foremost, at GYE you'll learn how to start living.

Get yourself a partner, start reading other people's posts, read the handbook and see that you are not alone. And for your own good, join a 12-step program. You can do it anonymously by phone, with the GYE phone conferences.
 

And most importantly, start davening. Hashem loves you. He wants to hear from you. When you're walking down the street faced with tempting sights, or when you're lying in bed wanting but not getting it, talk to him. Talk to him wherever and whatever. Like one friend talks to another. Ask Him. He can solve all your problems.  You just got to know that He's there and He's in control.

I hate to be so blunt, but it's because I know where you're coming from. 

 

The point is, you can change. Trying to get your wife to change without changing yourself, is a battle that you will never win.

Hatzlacha and welcome.

Daily Dose of Dov

Dov is sober in SA for over 13 years. See his story here

 

Letting it slide off our backs
 

There is a fine line between failing at watching your eyes vs. running after it. If I do what I consider "poorly" one day in the GYE category, I can make calls to admit that, regain at least some humility and sanity, and let the garbage slide off my back so that it does not build up, c"v.

  

If I don't do that, then the only alternative is for me to hold onto it and guard the memories! Letting it go is much smarter.

Testimonial of the Day

 

Hashem's Hand Holding Me

 

Posted by "1daat" today on the forum:

 

I remember once when I was a child I had a very close relationship with Hashem. Then over the years I only checked in once in a while. By my twenties I knew He was here, but I wasn't about to be another "true believer". I needed proof. So I told Him, "I'm not going to believe in ANYthing. If you're for real, show me." Looking back I can see so many ways He showed me and I missed them all.  

Then I became a lust freak. And I ended up in jail, failed marriages, and alienated from my daughter. So I slowly started doing T'shuvah. But still marathon masturbating sessions, and porn. Then, purely by accident (read hashgacha pratis) I found this site. I just did 120 days clean B"H. But what's important here, is that my skepticism was finally laid to rest through this clean streak. With the help of the guys here on the site, and the very real experience of Hashem's hand holding me safe, I have the real, palpable, experience, in a most personal way, of His presence and reality. Not all the time, of course, but proof that I can no more deny than the fact that I'm typing to you.  

Attitude Tip of the Day
 

Cruel Joke? (Part 2)

 

In yesterday's Chizuk e-mail, "FightingYid" asked why G-d was playing a "cruel joke" on him by giving him such difficult Nisyonos - as well as a wife who "wasn't interested". One of the beautiful replies we brought was from "Ur-a-Jew". Today, "Ur-a-Jew" once again posted another beautiful reply:

Last night, a slightly different elaboration occurred to me. But before we go there, I would be remiss if I didn't quote Reb Dov (the GYE Maggid):

"Quit the thinking and figuring, ok? Consider just doing your own work. We cannot think ourselves into right living - we can only live ourselves into right thinking."

Now back to your question. Your question assumes you're entitled to know the answer. But in reality, neither you, me or anyone else are entitled to know the how and why's of Hashem's doing. Hashem created this world in His infinite wisdom, and He put us here in His will. It is obvious that He has a master plan. And it is obvious that he is a Meitiv (giver). You needn't look further than your own body to see this. Hashem didn't have to create you with an efficient body, He did so because he is a meitiv. With that in mind, you can now try to see if there is a way to understand. (See the Sefer Hachinuch for a similar concept regarding the Taamei Hamtizvos).

I once saw a story about a person who was born without hands. Everyone felt sorry for the baby. Imagine having to go through life without hands. An unthinkable thing. Such a young cherubic looking baby. What could justify such a punishment? He certainly never did anything wrong. Cruel joke by his Creator?

Well, perhaps if we had a videotape up in shomayim we would have seen the following taking place, prior to that neshoma coming down. Reb Yid was niftar. He was a holy man who learned and did mitzvos all his life. He came before the bais din shel maaleh and it was determined that he deserved gan eden. They were about to seal Reb Yid's din when a maalach came and said, "what about the money that he once took, that was not his?"  Reb Yid shuddered. It all came back to him; that incident, when he was a young teenager. He took money that wasn't his and he never returned it. In shomayim there was a big tumult. They could not send Reb Yid to gehennim. His whole life was filed with kedusha, Torah and Mitzvos. But gan eden wouldn't take him, he had gezel on his hands. So in shomayim they paskened to send him back to this world to be misakain his neshoma for that theft. Reb Yid was devastated. But he saw he had no choice. He then turned to the bais din she'll maaleh and said, "I beg you, if I have to go back, please grant me one request. I am worried that I may be nichsol again in this sin, please, if I have to go back let it be ... without hands, so I never take something that doesn't belong to me.

The Bais Din Shel Maaleh granted his request with reluctance, but they understood.  It was Reb Yid's neshoma that resides in the body of the beautiful but handless baby that was born.

Now, once we're in shomayim, let's look at what else is going on.  

In a different corner, there is a different neshoma. We will call him Reb  FY ("FightingYid").  He is actually in Gan Eden on a pretty lofty level too. But he notices that there is a blinding light that comes from a neshama much higher up in Gan Eden. Reb FY's neshoma pined to be like that neshoma who is so close to the shechina. He makes some inquiries and is told that this light comes from the neshoma of Yosef Hatzaddik, for having withstood the tremendous nisayon of Potiphar. Yosef was hounded day and night by one of the most beautiful woman in the world. It was so easy to succumb. He was all alone in isolation, in a land where no one knew him. He would probably never see his family again. He wanted to give in, but he withstood the nisayon.  Reb FY begs to be like that neshoma. The Bais Din Shel Maaleh explains that there is no way to do that upstairs. Reb FY begs and begs, and the decision is made that he will be permitted to come back to this world to try and obtain this achievement. The risks are explained to him. But Reb FY can't resist the opportunity to obtain such a spiritual elevation. So Reb FY comes down to this world (at his request) with a strong, burning desire for women, in order for his neshoma to obtain the kedusha that the it saw in gan eden.

Did this really happen? I don't know. The one thing I do know is that you are here, pursuant to a Master plan. And that the Maker of that Master plan is merciful, patient and loves us more than we can imagine.

So you have a lot of work to do. We all do. Don't miss the opportunity.

Hatzlocha.

 

Daily Dose of Dov

Dov is sober in SA for over 13 years. See his story here

 

The Beauty of the 4th Step

 "We made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves"

 

Someone posted on the forum:

 

Usually I am a very calm person. Now I feel like a woman. I am very aware of my moods and I feel that I have very bad days and very euphoric days. I also feel very angry a lot of the time. Is this a normal part of the process of recovery or am I doing something wrong?

 

Dov replies:

 

Take the drug away from any addict (or, if you choose the "habit" or YH model, then even though it may not be a true drug, it is still some degree of nechoma - so say instead: remove that "tool for nechoma") and you will be left with an angry, fearful, resentful, and/or entitled person sans his drug/tool for nechoma. That's all we have really done here. In my book, that is not recovery at all. It's just torture. Nu, a better and more useful torture than the one before - lust tortures us in a far more destructive way - but it's still the t-word. Who wants it?!

It seems to me, friend, that you are standing at the precipice that we call "uh-oh. This guy needs to do the 4th step, etc., and quick!"

The beauty of the 4th step is that it allows us to see and accept ourselves as we are. Not that we don't feel any need to change - we do - but that's not the point. Just the acceptance of these facts about ourselves unloads us of the self-doubt - or even self-disgust - that calls you to wonder "what theheckis going on with me? Is there a shrink in the house?!". It removes the greater part of the pain we feel being so angry at people, resentful about not having something (respect, lust, money whatever), and fearful beneath it all. And it opens the door on being able to daven to Hashem and face people - without feeling either like a pathetic, haughty loser or like "if they (yes, even Him) would only do things the way I want them to be, things would be alright!"  

I say, alei vehatzlach! This is natural - but "look out" if you just sit with it for too long... it bites, and it bites hard.

Member's Tips

 

List + Reporting: A brilliant Combo!

 

"YosefAvinu" writes:

 

Here is a little tip that has been working for me, for almost 6 months now. It starts with having someone like a Rav, who you'll really feel ashamed revealing this behaviour to. Second, make a list of things to do if you feel the urge before acting out (the goal being not to act-out, of course). Then, take a vow that if you act out without first doing these things, you'll report your actions to the Rav, each and every time. However, if you do these things from your list first and then c"v act out, you don't have to report yourself. The vow should be time limited, say, renewed every Sunday for a week. The "things to do" must be things you can do and that you normally love to do, but they should include some things of kedusha like reading the weekly parasha, a few chapters of tehillim, studying halachot or reading midrashim. In total, the list should be designed to keep you busy for at least an hour.

While the above method does seem to leave an option for acting out after completing the list, my experience has been that I have not acted out in close to 6 months with this method. In fact, the urge seems to dissipate while thinking of doing something from the list. So I haven't yet had to even do anything from the list. 

Now I know that Hashem is the one Who is really helping, but He does expect us to do our hishtadlut, and the above method is hishtadlut. One should be honest with Hashem that he does desire these unholy things and he knows it's wrong, and that he needs Hashem's help. And also tell Hashem what you are doing for his hishtadelut, no matter how small.

Vows are serious business, so if heaven forbid one falls without doing the things on the list, he must report himself to the Rav.

I have found that this is also helpful for shmirat eynayim when I'm in the city. What I tell myself is, that there is no difference between looking at the attractive partially dressed woman on the street and the even more revealing images on the internet. In fact, the former will lead to the latter. However, as I know that I've vowed to do some stuff from my list first, I might as well not start looking!

I hope this works for you.

Testimonial of the Day

 

"YossiChaim" writes:

 

Perhaps the word "Milah" stands for "Mi L'Hashem". Shemiras habris and all that it entails is the true indicator of who is L'Hashem. It's the people who are part of Guard Your Eyes, working so hard to be shomer habris, who are truly L'Hashem.

Member's Chizuk

 

Off to Basic Training

 

By "Aspiring Jew"

 

Chazal tell us that at the end of days when haKadosh Baruch Hu will slaughter the Yetzer, all of those who actually see it will cry: the (various) tzaddikim will cry out of joy, as they will see it as a huge mountain and they will say, "How did I ever succeed at conquering that mountain?" whereas the reshaim will see it as A STRAND OF HAIR and they will cry and say, "That's it? That's all I had to overcome?" and they will cry out of pain and frustration that they couldn't over come it. 

 

I don't say this to "give mussar", I know just how difficult it is to overcome that STRAND OF HAIR when you are addicted to it. I'm saying this for one reason: know your enemy.

When an army goes to battle they (quickly) plan out the method of attack, but they do it based on who the enemy is; what is the enemy territory? what is the methodology of the enemy? his strengths and weaknesses? troop number? etc.

 
Well, from what I've gathered here on the forum, and from the people who have responded to my posts, I see that you are all very battle-worn, you know the enemy, and you tell me that the 12 steps is the method of attack.

So.... I'm off to basic training! I'm going to join one of GYE's 12-Step phone conferences be"H!

Daily Dose of Dov

Dov is sober in SA for over 13 years. See his story here.
 

He's Gonna Help me even more now!
 

I heard an alkie say (and recently heard an SA member say) that it took every last drink I took, to finally get me where I needed to be in my recovery. When someone with recovery falls again, he either collapses c"v and never comes back, or he realizes he needs even more of a connection to Hashem than before. He knows he needs to stay clean. But it took this fall right now to get him to see that he wasn't close enough to the Ribono shel Olam. He doesn't see himself as being farther because he acted out - he sees himself as being even closer - because he has to! 

The idea that he might be rejected by Hashem because he screwed up does not even occur to him. Rather, the question that comes is, "what do I need to do now to stay with Hashem?" And the answer comes back - If I screwed up, it means I need even more of his help than I did before! Hooray! He's gonna help me even more now!

Announcement

 

We are in the process of redesigning our website to make it easier and more intuitive to use. One of the most important steps in the redesign is called "Information Architecture" and/or "Usability design". Basically, that means understanding the users of our site, and making things findable and intuitively grouped.

 

We are doing a study to see how our users would envision the grouping of all our features. If you would like to help us in this study and have been using the GYE tools and features for at least 3 months (and you feel you understand the make-up of our network and which tools are the most useful/powerful), please send me an e-mail and I will send you a link to our study. We only have room for a few participants, so we will select the first few that seem best suited to the task. Please write us a few lines describing why you feel you would be suited for the study.

 

Thank you!

Torah Quote of the Day

 

Zohar, Bereshit 8a

 

Rav Hamnuna the Elder said this: "Do not let thy mouth cause thy flesh to sin," (Kohelet, 5:5.) A man should not allow his mouth to utter words that may bring him to lustful thoughts, and thus cause his holy flesh, on which is stamped the holy Brit, to sin. For whoever does this is dragged into Gehinom. The one presiding over Gehinom is called Duma, and there are tens of thousands of angels of destruction with him. He stands at the door of Gehinom. But all of those who have guarded the holy covenant of the Brit in this world, he is impotent to harm them.

 

Taken from Jewishsexuality.com

Link of the Day
 

Judaism & Infidelity

Why having an affair is such a serious transgression
 

From Aish.com, by Rebbetzin Feige Twerski

 

Member's Chizuk
 

What the Medical Community Doesn't Publicize

 

"Kedusha" posted the following on the forum in response to someone who claimed these behaviors were normal and healthy:
 

Because it would be extremely unpopular, the medical community does not tell the truth about sex. If they would, here are some of the things they would publicize:

1) It is essential to be monogamous for life (barring subsequent marriages), and to have sex only with someone who is also monogamous for life. That's the only way to really practice safe sex. Furthermore, an untold number of psychological problems and suicides would be avoided if people were to avoid casual sexual relationships.  

2) The only way to properly follow #1 is to refrain from sex before marriage.  Otherwise, your efforts to remain monogamous are virtually doomed to failure.

3) Sexual relations should be avoided when the women is having her period.  Cancer of the cervix is almost non-existent in women who strictly follow this rule (and the previous two rules).

4) Even if men have no religious reason to avoid masturbation, it is a very poor way to prepare for marriage, because it trains the person to focus on his own needs instead of those of his future spouse.  In addition, some people become addicted to masturbation, or practice it in unhealthy ways. As for married men, it is difficult to calculate the number of marriages that are ruined when man take sexual pleasure "into their own hands" and no longer have a need for their wives. There is no physical need to release semen intentionally, and avoiding this becomes much easier over time (provided all the other rules are adhered to). If there really is such a need, periodic nocturnal emissions will take care of it.

5) Even if men have no religious reason to avoid masturbation, and even if the concerns discussed in #4 are definitely inapplicable, men should avoid using pornography.  If they are single, it will warp their perception of women and damage their prospects of having happy marriages in the future.  If they are married, it will likely diminish their desire for their spouse and cause serious marital difficulties, if not divorce.  In addition, many men become addicted to pornography, causing harm in countless aspects of their lives.

6) It is not realistic, if at all possible, for men and women to have platonic relationships. Therefore, to help prevent violations of #1, 2, and 4, such friendships are to be avoided.  It goes without saying that affectionate physical contact between men and women is to be avoided, because it will inevitably lead to violations of several of the above rules.

Daily Dose of Dov

Dov is sober in SA for over 13 years. See his story here.
 

My life is unmanageable with lust in it
 

The Zohar Hakadosh talks about the orla of the lev being associated with orla (of the milah) d'chafyah bris. It explains that Avraham Avinu had a totally different depth of awareness (Da'as) of Hashem's Will after the (minimal) orlah of his milah was removed because that removes his heart's cover, in turn.

But on a more practical level - if I could get away with it, I'd still be acting out. I did not start recovery for Hashem's Honor, much as I recognize it's value... I got sober because my life was unmanageable with lust in it, period.

So, far from offering you remonstrations about using lust, my concern is whether our lives are manageable with it. If they are, then I do not know how any addict is expected to get sober and recover. Yetzer Hora, cheshboinos pro/con? What does that have to do with Lust - a gun to my head, a feather up my nose - however you choose to see it - it drives me crazy and always ruins everything! I need to be as free of it as possible. 

Personal Victory of the Day

 

The Best Zemiros
 

By "World"

 

On Friday night I wasn't in the mood of singing zemiros. I had a short conversation with the Ribono Shel Olam:

"Hashem, there were times today when I felt a strong desire. I said then that I want to desire YOU HASHEM instead. Now Hashem, please give the cheishek to sing zemiros to you."

I had the best zemiros this Shabbos in months.

Therapy Tips / Attitude

 

I am only in charge of "How much I want it"

 

"Trueratzon" writes:

 

Here is what I learned today in therapy. I shouldn't view the urge to masturbate as something evil. It's a totally natural urge, which comes from a section in my brain that seeks to have pleasure at all times. I should not feel guilty if I have lust, rather I should reframe lust into 'positive self talk'.  

So tomorrow, I need to work on my self talk. I needn't say "oh, I see an attractive person and now I'm going to grapple with this evil urge called taivas nashim". Rather, I'll say to myself, "I'm glad that I am healthy and that Hashem implanted a natural urge inside me. Now I have a job to do. I am to take this urge and be happy about it." 

 

I should tell myself positive things such as: "This natural desire can lead to a certain behavior. I am going to be the one to choose what behavior that is, based on what I know is the right thing to do." I have accepted this desire and I ask Hashem to help me make the right choice.  

But I need not put the pressure on me. It's not about "me" controlling the taiva, because the yeitzer harah is a lot stronger. Rather, it's about letting go and saying, "Hashem will take care of me". All I am in charge of is how much I want to stay clean, and to show Hashem that I want His help. I need only work on my "Ratzon" and put it in the right direction, and the results will follow in a positive way.

Link of the Day
 

Be a Yo-Yo
 

From simpletoremember.com

Torah Quote of the Day

 

Zohar, Bereshit 56a

 

"And the L-rd saw that the wickedness of man was great in the earth, and all the desire of the thoughts of his heart was only evil all of the day," (Bereshit, 6:5.)  

Rabbi Yehuda quoted the verse, "For thou art not a G-d who has pleasure in wickedness, nor shall evil (ra) dwell with Thee," (Tehillim, 5:5.) 

He explained: Come and see - someone who cleaves to the evil inclination and pursues it, not only does he defile himself, but he is led to pollute himself further, as has already been stated. For the wickedness of mankind was great (in the generation of Noach) and all kinds of evil was committed, but the measure of their guilt was not complete until they wasted their blood (semen) upon the ground. Who are these people who corrupted their way on the earth? We know by comparing two verses. Here, it is written, "Only evil (ra) all of the day," and in another verse, "And Er, Yehuda's firstborn, was evil (ra) in the sight of the L-rd," (Bereshit, 38:7.) 

Said Rabbi Yosi: Isn't evil (ra) the same meaning as "wickedness" (resha)?  No.  A man is considered wicked if raises his hand to strike his neighbor, even if he doesn't touch him, as it is written, "And he said to the wicked one (rasha), why will you strike your fellowman?" He is called wicked even though the future tense of the verb indicates that he had not yet done any physical harm.   

But, evil (ra) refers only to a person who corrupts his way and pollutes himself and the earth (by spilling semen in a sinful manner.) This lends force and added strength to the impure spirit which is called "ra" as it is written, "only evil (ra) all the day." This person will not be allowed to enter the celestial palace, nor gaze upon the Shechinah, for by this sin the Shechinah is driven from the world. 

How do we know this? From Yaacov. When the Shechinah departed from him, he thought that perhaps his sons were blemished in this manner, and because of them the impure spirit had grown stronger in the world, even blemishing the moon and diminishing its light. If you wonder how this can be - the reason is that this sin pollutes the Temple (and drives the Shechinah from the world.) If this is what caused the Shechinah to leave Yaacov, how much more so does it apply to any man who corrupts his ways and defiles himself, thus adding strength to the spirit of impurity. Therefore, when a man defiles himself in this manner, he is called evil (ra.)

 

Behold, when a man defiles himself, the Holy One, Blessed Be He does not visit him with blessing. Rather, he is subject at all times to visitations of the spirit called "ra."

 

Taken from Jewishsexuality.com

 

Daily Dose of Dov

Dov is sober in SA for over 13 years. See his story here.
 

I needed support, humility & directions
 

Someone wrote on the forum:

 

I have just realized that there's no such thing as quitting cold turkey. This thing is much too powerful for that. There will never be a one time decision that can carry within itself enough force to go against this. It seems to me that all that we can do is to continue to nurse a small spark of will and sanity. We don't fight, we just try not to give up on a ratzon pnimi to be clean. This is similar to the story of the Stiepler with the coat on Shabbos in Siberia (the soldier before him had placed the coat on a tree, and the Steipler kept pushing off taking it off the tree to wear for another minute, then another, until his shift was over).

 

Dov Replies:

 

I agree with you 100% that there is no such thing as quitting cold turkey if I am alone. It's actually impossible. What has changed from one minute to the next? Nothing. Just my willpower, "commitment", or inspiration? None of those matter at all when the obsession strikes.

 

Nonetheless, I have not had to masturbate so far, from the day I agreed that my lust insanity was going to kill me if I keep pursuing it at all.

 

I also realized that I had no reason to believe I could control myself for very long even with that awareness. So I got help. I went to a shrink and she sent me to SA. I went into the meeting and I shamelessly asked for help, cuz I couldn't possibly stop - even though I knew I had to. I needed a lot of support, some humility, and I needed to follow some directions. But I have remained sober so far with Hashem's help.

 

I had struggles with some lust behaviors over the years on and off, but the battle lines were drawn way back, and I called out for help again, admitting the truth to all my friends and in meetings. For the past few years it has been much easier to not give lust the time of day. It is becoming more and more irrelevant. (Still, I really believe that it is a bit silly for me to actually believe I will be sober for another week. It's just crazy that a guy like me could remain sober at all!)

But having unreasonable goals and no proven plan for how to achieve them, is a poor recipe indeed.

 

Story/Tips of the Day

 

How I Stayed Clean for Four Years (So Far)

 

A member called "Rebbe Nachman" writes:

 

I'm married, Torah observant, clean and sober 15 years in AA, and sexually sober for nearly four years. How did I/do I stay clean?

 

The first 90 days were definitely all about using what I had learned in AA, and inspiration from Chaim Kramer's book "Crossing the Narrow Bridge".

 

Since then, I take it "one day at a time," using my 12-steps experience, and Torah, Torah and more Torah (i.e. "the 11th step"). 

 

In my early days of AA, I used to study a lot of R' Twerski's books (i.e. A Day/A Week at a Time). Since then, I've studied a lot of Mussar books and a lot of R' Nachman, especially the works published by Chaim Kramer and his Breslov Research Institute, along with Lazer Brody's translations of Shalom Arush's books, and R Yitzchak Ginzberg's "The Mystery of Marriage". The more I've Kabbalistically understood masculine/feminine relationships and drives, and the more deeply I go into Torah and Mussar, the more I am able to 'grab the reins' whenever I start to go off course (as the Baal Shem Tov would say).

 

The more I know, the less I know, and I hope to figure out how best to be an active participant in recovery, stay clean, help others get and stay clean, keep getting cleaner, and keep improving my Shalom Bayis...

Q & A of the Day

 

How do I get out of this Pit?

 

I don't really know where to start, I'm pretty much crying over here... I am 19 years old studying in a Baal Teshuvah Yeshiva, I bet this sounds weird - a kid in yeshiva coming to you with this issue, but I am so lost in life, I don't know what to do. I am on the computer a lot and can sometimes masturbate 3 times a day. I feel so disconnected from women and from Hashem, I feel no spirituality, even going to minyan is a struggle. It's not that I haven't tried to stop - I have, but I always end up justifying it and saying 'just this once and then tomorrow never again', but obviously I say that many, many times. Please, I want to feel connected but I'm stuck in this pit. HELP!!!!!!!!!

 

Advice from Elya, moderator of a Phone Conference and Hotline

 

It does not sound weird at all to hear from you. I work with and help guys who have been learning in Kollel for years, Rebbes, Teachers, Dayanim, etc. You are not alone. That is why this website exists, to help people struggling with masturbation and other things. There are over 1,500 frum people on the e-mail list alone. 

You have an addiction - which is a disease of connection. As long as you keep looking at porn and masturbating, you will have no connection to Hashem or women. When you honestly can say you want this connection, then you are ready to make a decision. Either continue to act out and eventually get worse, or get into a program where you can get some help and figure out what is causing you to want to jeopardize your life masturbating 3 times a day. Here are some ideas: 

1. If you're learning in Yeshiva, why do you need to be on a computer? It's like going to the mikveh with a cockroach in your hand. Turn it off, get rid of it. If you HAVE to have it, put a block on it so you cannot access porn, videos, Utube, news, etc., all of which are triggers. See this page of the website for advice on how to install a good filter. 

2. Read the GYE Handbook. There is also a hotline in Israel for you to talk with someone and there are SA meetings to go to. If you have time to be on the computer, you have time to go to meetings. It is the medicine for healing in this disease. 

3.  This addiction usually means you are "medicating" some anger, fear, loneliness or stress. It's a vicious cycle which you can and must break. You feel stress, so you masturbate to feel better, you feel guilty and shameful so you masturbate again, and over and over and over. I believe you now see how powerless you are over this disease and how your life has become unmanageable. Only Hashem can restore you to sanity. But when you're an impure vessel, Hashem will not fill you with his Goodness. You must clean the vessel and Hashem will pour HIS blessing into you. You must give up the struggle to control it and accept that whatever is happening in your life is Hashem's will for you. So there is no need for stress or worry because Hashem is taking care of you in a Yeshiva where people care about you. But if you're off on the computer all day, you can have no connection to Spirituality, Hashem, friends, women, etc. 

4. Make the decision right now to turn your life over to Hashem, honestly daven and ask HIM to help you stop just for today and you will see that it gets easier. And  then you will begin to build back your relationships with HIM, and everyone else.
 

 

Torah Quote of the Day

 

Zohar, Bereshit 66b

 

"And I will establish My Brit with thee," (Bereshit, 17:21) that you shall be the sign of the Brit in the world. After that, "And thou shall come into the ark." For if he had not been a tzaddik (a guardian of the Brit) he could not have entered the ark, for only the tzaddik can unite with the ark. Therefore it is written, "And thou shall come into the ark," as has been explained. 

Rabbi Elazar said, As long as men remain attached to this Brit and do not loosen their hold of it (do not blemish it with sexual sins,) there is no nation nor language in the world that can do them harm. Noach clung to Brit and guarded it, therefore the Holy One Blessed Be He safeguarded him. But all of his contemporaries did not guard the Brit, and because of this, the Holy One Blessed Be He removed them from the world.  As has been stated, in exactly the same way that they sinned, they were blotted out from the world.

 

Taken from Jewishsexuality.com

Daily Dose of Dov

Dov is sober in SA for over 13 years. See his story here.
 

Stopping for the Thousandth Time
 

To someone who posted about his decision to stop (for the thousandth time), Dov writes:

 

Your last decision lasted two days. Being horrible at keeping any decisions myself, I am not about to criticize! 

I am just trying to point out one thing:

You describe an incredible consistency when it comes to using lust. Acting out with lust seems to go through periods of daily or weekly consistency for you and you have stuck to it for years, apparently. I did the same. Whence the consistency?

Obviously we have a real problem that is bigger than we are, and it isn't going to just go away. 

The steps are about accepting that this issue is bigger than we are and choosing to give up the fight when we see our track record.

I am a nobody, of course, and can only know myself, if I'm lucky. So all I am interested in doing with this post to you, is to point out something you may have missed. 

Hatzlocho in doing with it what you will. Just look out for yet more decisions.... 

 

Tips of the Day

 

I Keep Falling!
 

A member wrote on the forum:
 

I fell twice again today, I really can see that I can't afford to take that 1st lust hit, because once I open it up, I'm powerless, I have to put the break on before that point. But what if my partner is unavailable? I haven't quite got the knack of surrendering it to Hashem on my own. I try, but it isn't deep enough. I don't get out of my head that way...

I really don't want to hit rock bottom, but I fear that is the only way I'm gonna start recovering properly... How do I hit rock bottom whilst still on top? (I know that's one of the goals of GYE, but I'm not sure how to apply it...)

 

"Kutun" Replies:

 

You can hit bottom while still on top by imagining yourself getting caught... especially by someone you really care about, and whom would be very disappointed in you, or worse. (But it only works if you have a VIVID imagination. Otherwise, to best experience the feeling, you might have to actually get caught :-)

 

We replied:

 

See this page for more on "hitting bottom while still on-top".

 

Like you said, it's a lot about about "getting out of our heads". An addict's head is sick. We need to connect with others more and more and more. Don't have just one partner, have a bunch. If you join Duvid Chaim's phone conferences, all the guys in the groups share numbers with each other. Or you can join a local SA group. Also, work with other people in your job. Don't ever be alone. Do things with the family... learn with a chavrusah. An addict's mind is a dangerous place to go alone.
 

"Kedusha" Replied:

 

1) Picture yourself 20 years from now, wondering how the heck did so many decades of my life disappear into oblivion?  When we act out repeatedly, our life becomes one big blur of falling and regret.  But, if we live one day at a time, staying clean and living with a purpose, then each day will be meaningful, b'Ezras Hashem.

2) Would you rather buckle down for 90 days (one day at a time), or suffer for the next 90 years? (See this page for more on this idea). It's your choice (but choose carefully, because not only you, but your wife and children will likely pay dearly if you, c"v, make the wrong choice).  It won't even take 90 days for things to get easier - you just need to start, one day at a time, to get the trash out of your system. You desperately need to detox from all the pollution; but instead, you keep sticking your head in the chimney. Remember, you're making no promises about tomorrow, so why not stay clean today?

Torah Quote of the Day

 

Zohar, Bereshit 94a

 

Another began his exposition by referring to the verse, "Unless theL-rd had been my help, my soul would have soon dwelt in (Duma) silence, (Tehillim, 94:17.) We have learned: what is the special merit of Israel that they do not go down to Gehinom, and are not delivered into the hands of Duma (the angel in charge of Gehinom) like the idol worshipping nations?  The reason is that they are distinguished by the sign of the Brit. 

For we have learned that when a man leaves this world, bands of destroying angels, wielders of fiery judgment, gather to claim him. But when they examine him and see that he bears the sign of the holy Brit upon him, they flee from him, and he is not delivered into the hands of Duma, to be cast down into Gehinom, for whomever falls into his hands is condemned to punishment there. Both upper and lower (angels) are afraid of this sign, and no evil decrees have dominance over a man if he has succeeded in safeguarding this sign, because he is attached to the Name of the Holy One, Blessed Be He. 

 

Taken from Jewishsexuality.com

 

Daily Dose of Dov

Dov is sober in SA for over 13 years. See his story here.
 

"I inherited this from my father"
 

"NoWhereToTurn" writes:

Sholom Aleichem warriors,

          I am a regular 15 yr old yeshiva bochur in a top yeshiva in Monsey, but I have internet at home. Besides for my own problems with watching my eyes and controlling my hotzoas zera that has been with me for years, I noticed something interesting recently. I noticed my father, a 55 yr old heimishe guy, by the computer late at night. My curiosity got the better of me, and when no one was around, I pressed ctrl+H to see the History, and found out that my porn problem is inherited from him. I also noticed a secret email address that he has, so I put my hacking skills to work, and got the password from a free key-logging program. What I found was heartbreaking - a bunch of heimishe guys from shul are all a bunch of porn addicts forwarding porn around to each other! So lately I go in and delete all unread inappropriate inbox messages, but I now realize this is just a "moire heter" of my yetzer to do it myself, as my hz"l has been worse lately, so this is no solution for me. How is a 15 yr old Yesiva Bochur from a good home supposed to deal with this? I can't confront him, and I cant let my mother know about this - she'll divorce him! So before I deal with my own shmiras einayim/bris issues, how do I deal with this without destroying my home?

 

 Dov Replies:

 

Dear "Bochur from top yeshiva in Topeka", 

 

I do believe that this problem can actually be inherited, as alcoholism clearly is. It is often also a family disease, as it certainly is in your case. Your mother is suffering from tolerance of a sick man - and you do not have any idea what is really going on between them about this, but I doubt it is marital bliss for either party. Any loving son would want to help, and I commend you for your bravery thus far!

I suggest you Daven to Hashem very simply and explicitly for your fathers benefit at least in each of the three daily tefillos. It may or may not help your father, but I tell you that it will help you gain a deeper acceptance of the situation and more acceptance of the pathetic nature of your own lust dependence. Maybe this is all Hashem's plan for you, to gain the awareness and the help that you will need to get free of your own problems, and maybe your knowledge of his problem actually has little - if anything - to do with your father getting better.

 

I think it is a bit much for a son to confront his father about his aveiros... And to judge whether anyone else is an addict and is ill, well, that's a bit much for anyone. I also think it is not healthy for you to nose around in your fathers business. If he is stupid and wants to have fun with porn, that is his choice. He is an adult and will have to pay the price, whatever it may be. All you can do is admit your problem to him. Your admitting his problem to him is probably useless and damaging. If you love him, then clean your side of the street and mind your own business, for G-d's sake.  

BTW, cleaning your side of the street has nothing whatsoever to do with being a kadosh, and showing him kedusha will do nothing. (In fact, I wouldn't be surprised to learn that he feels that he is a bit of a kadosh, right now! The mind works in funny ways.)

Finally, with all very due respect to those who suggested that you talk this over with the Rav of your shul or your Rebbe in yeshiva, how do they know that that Rav (or the rebbe) is not one of the guys your father is sharing the porn with? Addicts come in all shapes and sizes. 

Of course, I'm not saying to trust no rabbi/rebbi, c"v. But this problem, like drinking or using drugs, has nothing to do with whether the person is a talmid Chochom, Rov, good man, or whatever. It's a compulsion that goes way beyond bechirah and often  has roots that grew long before anyone's gadlus in learning began. So you may want to consider backing off on giving true trust to any man just because he is the rov of your shul. Sorry.  

Choose your da'as Torah the best way you can: by your heart. Ask yourself who do you really trust - not by a sign on the door. And please consider focusing on your own recovery so that your children will not have to catch you one day. 

Much love, 

Dov

12-Step Attitude

 

Fear Takes the Place of Serving Hashem

 

"1daat" wrote:

 

Today I noticed that one of the weak links that the Yetzer Hara uses with me, is when he gives me thoughts to be frightened about. "You know, you're not going to be able to make ends meet this month" or, "Did you get everything done for the lawyer?"

I live in fear mode. A lot. And I'm the central player in my own drama. And I'm thinking about what I can do to solve the thing I'm worrying about. 

I know this is a common experience. For me, I noticed that I am almost always in obsessive frightened and worry mode. And acting-out was the only thing that gave me relief from that baseline fear. Now by acting out, I don't just mean the shmutz. I also mean being angry at loved ones, while spending endless hours worrying.  

So I was reading an AA book about fear, and how it takes the place of serving Hashem. So this constant fear is what I have to say "no" to, and turn it over to Hashem. Over and over.

For today, when I can catch the fear state, Be"H, I will try to remember that I need to drop baseline fear like a hot potato, as human as it may be. I need to stop dead in my tracks, and turn to Hashem. I know the difference between fear that's about something real (a kid is hurt, for example), and fear that claims it's my best friend (after all, I get up in the morning with it, spend all day with it, and go to bed with it.)

 
Clean today. Thanks Hashem. I appreciate it. I really, really do. 

Member's Chizuk
 

A Prayer

 

By "Shnook"

 

Hold me, my dear G-d.
 

This is not a fight that I can win. 
I lie prostrate at Your feet, my face pressed against the cool stone of the throne room.

I feel Your gaze on me, and it is kind. 
I know that You are there for me.

I wish I could clamber into Your lap and snuggle down like a child.

But I am not just your child, I am Your servant, so I stay still, so still.
 

But in my heart I am in Your embrace, and this is all I need.
My battles are many and they are not ones I can win by sheer willpower, so I turn and hand them over to You.

Like Chizkiyahu the king that I learnt about many years ago in school, I will lie face down on my bed and pray, while You go out and win the battle for me.

Just like this king, I am too weak to do anything more.
This is just what You want of me, and You are pleased.
So I will stay here, bent in prayer, praying and whispering, "Dear G-d, I love you. Spare me the desires of my heart, my straying heart. I long to be with You, I long for purity, I long for goodness".
It's Ok for me to stay like this, I feel safe and secure.

I don't have to do anything more because my Master my King, He will take care of everything.
I am Ok.

I entrust myself with You, because You're in charge of it either way, aren't you?

It feels good to let go.
I love You, my Master.

I love You, my King.

Torah Quote of the Day

 

Zohar, Bereshit 94a

 

Another explained the verse: "And from my flesh, I shall see G-d," (Iyov, 19:26.)  What is the meaning of "And from my flesh?" It would be more proper to say, "from my inner essence." However, "my flesh" is to be understood literally (as being the place of the Brit,) as in the verse, "and the holy flesh is removed from thee,"  (Yirmeyahu, 11:15,) and also, "and my Brit shall be in your flesh," (Bereshit, 17:13.) 

For thus we have learned: Whenever a man is stamped with the holy impress of this sign, through it literally he will attain his awareness of G-d, because the holy soul is attached to this place (in the parallel spiritual world of the Yesod.) 

But if he does not merit this, because he did not guard this sign, then of him it is written, "They lose the soul of G-d," (Iyov, 4:9,) for he did not properly guard the impress of G-d. If, however, he guards it, then the Shechinah does not part from him.... 

When is the Shechinah established with him? When he is married, then the sign enters into its intended place....The holy soul is attached to this place, and everything depends on this sign. Thus it is written, "And from my flesh, I shall see G-d." This is the perfection of everything, literally from "my flesh," from this very sign. Therefore, how fortunate are the holy Jewish People who are attached to the Holy One, Blessed Be He; fortunate are they in this world and fortunate in the world to come. Regarding them it is written:  "But you who cleave to the L-rd your G-d, are alive every one of you this day," (Devarim, 4:4.)

 

Taken from Jewishsexuality.com

 

Daily Dose of Dov

Dov is sober in SA for over 13 years. See his story here.

 

AA / SA is Not a Religion

 

Bill and Bob wrote near the end of their book: "This book is suggestive only...". My sponsor reminded me once that the program is not a matter of faith, just experience. AA or SA are not a religion. The Program is secular (look up the word if you think [as I did] that it means "without G-d"). And thank G-d for that! I can have a Roman Catholic sponsor whose help saved my life and led me to caring about wearing Rabeinu Tam's, learning with hislahavus before shacharis in the morning, building a heiligeh home with my wife, and learning how to be a true Jewish father to my kids. And for the same reason, I am able to sponsor yidden who are agnostics, Evangelicals, and Mormons, all the same way. And each person is precious to Hashem right where he is, and will grow into living the right way only after they become sober.

SA is not a religion, just a toolbox. And the tools work for me so far.

Link of the Day

 

Joe's Goals

 

The 90 Day chart that we developed for GYE members is a big motivator, but you might want to also try a different version, with some features that our 90-Day chart doesn't have (yet).

 

Check out "Joe's Goals", a motivational program designed to help you reach your goals. Inspired by Benjamin Franklin's 13 Virtues, Joe built this program to make it simple to create, track, and share your personal goals. Each day you succeed is a new link in the chain. You can give yourself points for times you were strong, and take off points for times you had slips. But don't break the chain!

 

In the "Display Stats", make sure to select "Created Date" to see when you started. You can also choose (in the preferences) to get alerts if you haven't updated your goal chart for 2 days, or 7 days. Use this cool tool in conjunction with GYE's 90 day chart!

Parsha Talk: Vayera

 

It's All Hashem

 

By "An Honest Mouse"

 

(19:22) 'Ki lo uchal' - Rashi says that the angel in charge of destroying Sedom was forced to say that he wasn't able to do it, because he had previously told Lot that it was in their hands (ki mashchisim anachnu). Therefore, Hashem forced the Malach to admit that it wasn't actually dependant on them, and it was Hashem who was in charge.

If we get too cocky or complacent and tell ourselves that we are in control and we can defeat this disease (mashchisim anachnu), Hashem may arrange circumstances so that we are forced to admit it is not in our control and we are powerless. In the words of the angel - "ki lo uchal" - I can't do it myself, its all Hashem.

Personal Victory of the Day

 

The Red Light

 

An e-mail received today from "Blind Beggar"

 

Dear Guard & GYE Team,

 

I was reading the Handbook the other night, and I read about the 3 second rule. I also got an email from a fellow member on the forum, and he told me something that he heard in a shiur, that someone who looks away after a few seconds feels like a Rasha, but really in Shomayim he is like Yosef Hatzaddik.

The next day, my bus was stuck in a 90 second red light and there was a girl stuck by the same light, waiting to cross. She wasn't very tznius, (to say the least). "Oh boy!", I said to myself, "what an opportunity to lust for over a minute, and what an image to lust over in my head all day long!!" ... (And be motzei z'l at night, of course).

 

Then I remembered what I saw in the handbook about looking for 3 seconds and stopping. After 4 seconds, I looked away and white-knuckled the minute away. Then I remembered the email I got, and I felt like Yosef Hatzaddik all day long.

Thank you both for saving the day.

Have a great Shabbos.

Daily Dose of Dov

Dov is sober in SA for over 13 years. See his story here.
 

"Not acting-out" is no longer my main preoccupation
 

"aaron4" wrote:

 

I think the expression "stopping cold turkey" is misleading.What does it mean?Not acting out?But what if you fantasize each time you see a trigger, yet still manage not to act out? Are you really sober? I don't know... So where is the line that defines sobriety? I think that in the case of lust addiction, it's a moving target. The only thing we can do is works towards "progressive" victory over lust.We may never achieve total victory - but so what?That is not our problem.We can only work, with Hashem's help, on the present.Whether that's considered "cold turkey" is academic.

 

Dov Replies:

 

Weakness and even some measure of failure were - and still are - a necessary aspect in my own recovery so far. If lusting my brains out negates my success at escaping masturbation, then I may as well masturbate and get it over with....

But I understand that you are addressing the fact that what we are really after in SA groups and here on GYE, is freedom from the tyranny of lust, not just technical sobriety. Whether a guy is here to stop doing specific aveiros or to stop ruining his life, we all recognize that just not doing the "problem behaviors" is not enough. We need to get at least some measure of comfort living without our habit. If we routinely lust our brains out - even if we don't "act-out", we are just not there yet. But that's OK! It remains a process.

 

When it comes to mussar, there are some who vehemently disagreed with Reb Yisroel Salanter's Derech of making tikkun hamiddos the focus and hub of our entire avodah. The Briskers and the Chazon Ish (it seems to me), and most chassidishes believed that our entire tikkun occurs through doing the right thing. Putting our focus on mussar seems to cheapen the Torah. They saw that through being moser nefesh for keeping halocho with dikduk, ahavah and yir'ah - no matter how difficult, we will automatically become a Jew with Yir'ah, bitul to Hashem's Will, bitachon in Him, and respect and love for his fellows. They'd say (at least as far as I understand them) that our tikkun grows out of the avodah itself. And our tikkun is best left in Hashem's hands, lest the entire Torah and avodah becomes a self-centered - albeit noble - pursuit.

For what it's worth, the 12-Step Program works exactly this way in my life as well, i.e. not in the mussar way. For example, the main priority for me is not to act out. To act out would open the floodgates and ruin my life at this point. That is not up for grabs. But it turns out that I was forced to work the steps only in order not to act out! I'd have resentments and fears that were eating me up, or just feel uneasy... I'd sit on it and go crazy - till it became clear that if I don't do something about it, I will act out. So out came the Big Book, the chart, the calls, and there is no choice but to work steps 4-7 on it. And life gets better.
 

Is lust is becoming a problem for me? - I'd sit on it like an idiot till my gauge was in the red zone and finally out would come the 3rd step prayer, the calls, and the Big Book - I'd search for the 'secret' of the 3rd step, cuz my heart tells me that it's the answer to everything. I'd then give up whatever I could of me to Hashem again - all so that I don't act out and lose my life. I'd focus on being attentive to my wife and kids to really learn how to care about them - so that I do not stay a selfish, self-centered man, because selfish bums are guaranteed to act out, you know...

Now, you'd think that if a guy really believes that his main priority is to not act out, he'd be focused on not acting out... I hope you can see that is not at all the case. "Not acting out" is no longer my main preoccupation - being a decent man, staying free of lies, and focusing on being helpful to G-d and man - that's my preoccupation.... (on a good day!)

Well, I went on for too long, as usual. Sorry. Uh-oh, by now our turkey is really cold! :-)

 

Link of the Day
 

Nothing Stands in the Way of One's Will
 

 

An anecdote from Rav Shach, in honor of his Yartzeit today.

12-Step Talk
 

What's your Role in the Play?

 

"Dov from Israel" shared:

 

I had an interesting experience...
 

I kept noticing that someone was also logged in when I was on my other Gmail account - but I did not recognize the person. Perhaps it was someone I once sent an email too (I am involved in several different activities - so who knows where the name came from?)

But then I thought that since I used to use my other Gmail account for GYE stuff, maybe it was someone from the group.

I decided to send an e-mail chat - to ask how he is doing.
 

He replied, "Fine"...

blah, blah, blah

I mentioned that I started to do some one-on-one with the guys from the group here - and it is going well.

He asked, which group was I talking about???

Hmmm... I started to think that maybe he is not from GYE... Should I say anything or not??
 

(OK, Hashem - which way do you want to go??)

So I mentioned, "The guys from GuardYourEyes".

<long pause>

Finally he types back that he has heard of the website, and he realizes that he has a problem... but he's not sure what or how to take the next step and thus has not done anything, yet!

We talked - and he decided he will lurk on the site and maybe even post on the forum.

Amazing!!

How far a simple greeting or Shalom Aleichem can go towards reaching and affecting another person. How many of you were affected because someone reached out to you?

 
Think about how many other lives you can affect too, just by saying "HI, HOW ARE YOU?"

 

Duvid Chaim Responds to Dov's Share:

 

Dov's experience just reinforces what we've been discussing lately on the Calls.

Once we realize that we are all just ACTORS in a Play - a Play that is being run by THE Director - we can begin to have a new experience and outlook with and towards others.

How can there even been room in the Script for us to play our role with Resentment or Fear? It just doesn't exist - except in our minds, if we let it exist.

Don't we want everyone around us to realize that we're doing the BEST WE CAN?

So why shouldn't we also recognize that everyone else - yes, our wives, our kids, our parents, our boss, our friends, everyone - is doing the BEST THEY CAN?

And what makes this whole SHOW we call life so interesting, is that sometimes - like Dov shared - new actors come into our lives and make us say "Wow".
 

When I take a little risk - when I trust - when I'm humble, fearless and honest - then I get to make a difference.

And I get to "practice these principles in all our affairs."

It's time to discard our old worn out way of thinking and adopt a new design for living.

Looking forward to our next call,

Duvid Chaim

 

Attitude Tip of the Day
 

Appreciating Our Wives
 

Someone complained on the forum that his wife has little interest in being with him, and this makes it much harder to stay clean. "Kedusha" responds:

 

Imagine a husband named Reuven, whose wife, r"l, falls into a coma for months, with little hope of recovery.  The poor fellow is all alone.  Every minute of his day is taken up by needing to earn a living, do everything necessary to run the household, care for his six young children and, of course, make sure his wife is being properly cared for.

One day he hears of a specialist, who has unusual success in bringing people out of comas, where conventional medicine has given up hope.  By pulling every string he can, Reuven finally gets an appointment with this specialist.  After reviewing the case, the specialist tells Reuven the following: "Your wife's case is actually pretty straightforward; I think there's an excellent chance that she can be brought out of the coma and will be, basically, back to normal."

"That's wonderful!" responds Reuven.  But, then hesitating (because he doesn't want to appear ungrateful), Reuven asks "What do you mean that she will be basically back to normal?  In what way will she not return to normal?"

The specialist responds, "She'll be the same capable wife that you described.  Whatever she used to do, she'll be able to do again, whether running the household, caring for the children, or holding an outside job.  Her personality will be the same, and your overall relationship will be what it was.  You need to understand, though, that the coma has taken a certain toll on your wife, and she won't have the same interest in being with you anymore.  Whereas in the past, you noted that she would happily agree to be with you twice per week, from now on, she's likely to only agree to once per week, and not very happily. Keep in mind that this will not be her fault, but caused by what she's been through - so don't take it personally. Oh, and there's one more thing. She may overreact sometimes - such as saying 'I hate you!' when she really means 'I'm annoyed at you right now.'  Keep in mind that husbands have been putting up with this type of thing from time immemorial - I know that I do.  Do you want to proceed?"

Reuven responds: "I'd be foolish not to proceed.  Right now, I'm a living widower. For the first time, I truly appreciate all that my wife did for me and the children as long as she was able to - the same things that currently overwhelm me. Not to sound selfish, but I very much miss our sexual relationship, which, obviously, is non-existent right now. What you're telling me is that I'll have my wife back in every respect, except that our physical relationship will never be what it once was, and that she'll sometimes overreact. Those things don't bend me out of shape, because, right now, our physical relationship is non-existent and my wife doesn't say a word to me, good or bad, so what you describe is actually a tremendous improvement!" 

Need I state the nimshal?  Our wives do so much for us - where would we be without them, other than totally lost?  Let's say they don't provide it as often as (or the way) we would like it, and they may overreact sometimes. We may be somewhat at fault, having harmed our relationship by what we've put our wives through, and maybe we can help improve things.  However, let's assume that we can't improve the situation.  Imagine, c"v, losing everything, the way Reuven did, and then having it all restored to the way things are now.  Doesn't that make our current situation far easier to deal with?

 

Daily Dose of Dov

Dov is sober in SA for over 13 years. See his story here.

 

Walking with Hashem through the Tears

 

I have met many people who act out and immediately sense the abyss. That's all they see: this dark abyss. Of course, it was there before acting out - and that's why they acted out...

A "bardichever chassid" sees the abyss and doesn't believe it is really there and says, "That distance between Hashem and me is just more BS, just like the lust was!" He gets up and walks with Hashem - through the tears.

BTW. I don't need to act out to learn lots of good stuff and yearn more for Hashem - I stick around and let some of the poor folks at the meetings act out for me! That may sound cruel, but old age does that to a guy. 

Testimonial of the Day

 

The Novominsker Rebbe

 

A close friend of GYE saw the Novominsker Rebbe over Shabbos, and told the Rebbe that he has the zechus of being secretary of the organization "Guard Your Eyes". (The Rebbe is familiar with our work because we met with him and several other Gedolim in July). The Rebbe gave our friend a very warm handshake and said "Ashrei Chelkechem!"

Personal Victory of the Day

 

An e-mail we received today:

 

Hi Guardureyes!

I have a quick question about 90 day chart...

I just had a fight with my wife and she went storming out the door.... The first thing I did, was rush to an unprotected computer and type in very bad website. I didn't actually get to see anything in the site and I quickly remembered that this is a test. I also remembered that I am registered on the 90 day journey! So I shut off the website before any images came on.

Is this a fall or a slip?

 

Attitude Tip of the Day

 

Connecting the air intake to the exhaust pipe

 

"Briut" writes:

 

At first glance, all these struggles seem to equal the problem itself. Stop acting-out, goes the theory, and life will be cured. And the sad truth is that... as difficult as this may seem to many of us... the real truth is even trickier.

I think whatever is making us want, crave, indulge in, chase after the stuff we do... has something deeper behind it. Maybe: the "need" to have something. The thought that getting 'a little' will make life workable. The idea that I am entitled to it, or can't get through the day without it, or... whatever.

After a while, this work seems to boil down to what Hashem wants us to establish as the main focus in our relationships with other people. We shouldn't connect with them as objects, but as our beloved. Not desired for mutual objectification by consent, but for something mutual and real. So somehow, the victory over the shmutz has to include the ability to look deeper. 

Ultimately, it's not about giving gratification to ourselves, but giving gratification to others. (Recall, the shoresh of ahava, 'hav,' means to GIVE.) We can't keep fueling ourselves alone, and can't nourish ourselves from self-generated energy - that's like connecting the air intake of our car to its exhaust pipe. We've got to CONNECT to love, and not try to recycle our own energy with our own hand.

Ninety days to no acting-out is one thing, but 90 days to becoming a more giving person is trickier. It's also clearly what HKB'H wants from us. Meaning that it's possible to get there. But not easy, yet.

Daily Doses of Dov

Dov is sober in SA for over 13 years. See his story here.
 

Even if I'm destined for Gehinnom

 

My addiction got quite nasty, and then a lot nastier before making it into recovery. It is essential for me to accept in my heart that even if I am destined for gehinnom, c"v, my concern, my joy, and my sorrow, are all in today. I have taken, and still take, the 3rd step, so to the best of my ability, I try to make Hashem my Employer now and place myself, my body, neshoma, future, and family in His care. 

I know I am destined to die one day. Maybe I am destined for gehinom, maybe not. How will I ever be sure? Even Rabban Yochanan ben Zakai didn't know! Until then, it has become clear to me that My Best Friend forever has important uses even for a servant destined for gehinnom, and that He takes quite a bit of interest in his puny life. If His service and personal attention today is not good enough for anyone, I wish them luck. 
 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

Our lust is often misguided yearning

I truly believe that the lust problem we have is part and parcel of our natural but misguided yearning for d'veikus with Ultimate Power and Ultimate Goodness. I know that I want porn - not because it is dirty and "I like to be dirty" but because my heart tells me that something about it is truly beautiful and warm, and loving. I know that a good part of my heart is yearning, but is twisted. For me, Recovery is a process of learning what true beauty is. Chazal say it is Hashem. There is no coincidence that they refer to that Ultimate beauty as P'nei haSh'chinah - a feminine aspect symbolized by Chava, and later by Rochel and Leyah. I hope I am not being too weird for you here, but there are many times that I notice a pretty woman on the subway in NY and turn away asking Hashem to "help me not be distracted by that shadow of true beauty and instead come to always appreciate the real beauty that is Your Malchus and Sh'chinah haKedosha." Nu. It works. 

 

Link of the Day

 

The Next Frontier

Arming our Children for a Nuclear Yetzer Hara

 

(Right click the link above and choose "Save Link/Target As" to download the PDF of this Mishpacha article)

 

For years we have heard the term "kids at risk" to label children who are seemingly heading off the derech, turning their backs on their families, their institutions of higher learning and the mesorah that they were raised with.

 

But an enlightening and timely must read article in this past week edition of Mishpacha Magazine discussing an insidious and pervasive problem that seems to plague many of today's youth:  boys and girls who outwardly conform to society's standards of frumkeit, but inwardly are completely disconnected from Yiddishkeit.

 

The article discusses the sudden surge of children who externally appear to be frum, yet in private have an apparent lack of emunah and yiras shomayim, picking and choosing their mitzvos, deciding to be michalel Shabbos, eat items of questionable kashrus or not to put on Tefillin.

 

What is the cause of this sudden decline in our precious children?

 

"Every inappropriate billboard and secular entertainment show shouts to our children: 'Leis din v'leis dayan'- live life as you please! You cannot even visit a pharmacy today without being exposed to the moral corruption. This has unfortunately cost us heavily in the areas of emunah and yiras Shamayim."

- Rabbi Dovid Sapirman

 

"Almost without exception, when a bochur will tell me or another mentor that he inexplicably has 'no cheishek' for Torah and Yiddishkeit, we'll later discover that he has become addicted to inappropriate images.'

- An Experienced Mentor

 

"In the past, people who committed aveiros didn't necessarily lose their entire cheishek for Yiddishkeit. Due to the very nature of these nisyonos, however, one who falls prey to them can lose his entire interest in Yiddishkeit. I've seen fine, stable bochurim, who have finished masechtos in Shas and have encountered the wrong material, even for a short period of time, crying like babies at how their Yiddishkeit now hangs on a thread. The age at which children can access such material is incredibly young. The speed is also mind-boggling.... With the proliferation of the Internet, sophisticated cell phones, DVDs, and iPods, one can still live an outwardly ehrliche lifestyle and have the most deplorable material in his pocket or stashed in his drawer or on his home computer. Children can easily hide what they're doing from their parents. The elements of pride and shame that used to protect us from material unacceptable in our society have practically disappeared." 

- Rabbi Drew, who founded the Technology Awareness Group

Quote of the Day

 

"Shnook" wrote:

 

"I only have the power to change the present moment. Right now, I choose that this moment will be clean."

12-Step Exercise

 

Attitude of Gratitude

 

The root of our disease is self-centeredness. This leads to feelings of entitlement;  "I need" and "I deserve". It also leads to resentment when we don't get what we want, and then bitterness, pain and disconnect from G-d.

 

To start recovering, we need to begin changing our inside feelings and living with an attitude of gratitude. The following easy exercise helps us develop this mentality.

 

Each morning as you begin your day, write down 10 things you are grateful for in a special notebook (or file on the computer):

 

Oct. 26, 2010
 

I am grateful to you Hashem, for:

 

Daily Doses of Dov

Dov is sober in SA for over 13 years. See his story here.

 

"It's an Inside Job"

 

Dov answers a newcomer who posted on the forum for the first time (Dov's replies appear in between the lines below, in blue).

 

Today is my first day clean.

Actually, it's our only day.

Today I will try and go on a journey to break free of this addiction once and for all.

"Once and for all" includes the rest of this week, right? How about making it just for today, till you go to sleep. Then you might do the same thing tomorrow...

Consistently, over and over and over again for the past 17 years, I have endeavored to break free... but I was always alone. Never, ever, have I had the ability to share my feelings with others who share my addiction as well as the desire to break free.

You are right, we are very lucky. Having a chevra is like having all the gold in the world.

The longest stretch I had was from the middle of Nov of this past year until some time in January. It was around 50 days and I thought I had beat it because a Rov had told me that I was free of this addiction.

Please let me have a word with this Rov... 

 

I really want true d'veikus and I know that I can't have that d'veikus without breaking free of this addiction. 

If you had a choice to finally get free of this stuff even without the deveikus, would you agree to that? Or would you still hold out for better - while simultaneously acting out?!!

Some innocent, well-meaning folks here are blinded by the light of Torah and d'veikus. They need to stick a pair of sunglasses on their noses to see that they are tenaciously holding out for gold while sitting in excrement! Is this acceptable? This is where a Jew belongs? Get out of the excrement at all costs, I say! A lifestyle of acting out with lust and lying to our loved ones (and everyone else) is just no place for a Neshomaleh! 

After we are out, there will be time for madreigos, on the condition that we remember that it's good enough just to be out of the excrement. Lusting after d'veikus can also be a mistake if the timing is wrong.

I'm so scared right now... as I become more recognizable and more watched, that chas v'shalom, if someone would see me stare the way I know that I do, if a child from my community who knows and respects me well would see me do something inappropriate... ribono d'alma kula!!! What would be of my neshama???

Is it really just your neshoma that you are worried about, and not getting caught, arrested, and embarrassed before the entire community for the foreseeable future?

I have asked gedolei Torah if there is teshuva from this and they have said yes, but let me ask you, my new friends... as I begin this journey... is there teshuva from b'ilas zona? Will Avrohom avinu block my entrance to gan eden? If so, maybe there is no point. Maybe I am lost forever?

Is there teshuva? Have you read the opening of Chovos Halevavos on Teshuvah? He basically says there that teshuvah is just going from doing your own will against His, to doing His Will (or even just to doing His Will better than before). It sounds to me that you are equating "Tikkun" with Teshuvah. You want to get rid of the horrible guilt, I understand. But I ask you how you know that it would that be a good thing at all for you to lose that guilt before you are on the derech of Tahara that you desire so much?

 

Perhaps the Tikkun will have to come many years hence, and till then you (not any person, just you) will need to retain some of that guilt in order to remind you of the pain and stupidity of acting out so that the next time it strikes (later today) you might get help rather than just isolating and falling again. Is this a possibility you can entertain? 

Finally, I'd like to share with you that dumping our guilt, doing "teshuvah" and being accepted again into the life of Tahara, etc., can be a purely self-centered pursuit - just like the screwing around we did before. That has been my experience. 

True, getting a filter and the other stuff you mention below is the only way to really exercise commitment, but if you really want to change, then I'd ask you to consider keep working on changing your motivations, rather than mainly on changing your behavior. Looking at the number of days we were sober is silly. It's great, but not a proof of anything. "It is an inside job", they say, and pointing to externals can be a way for us to remain far away from the real problems we have that screw our lives up. And the main motivation many of us share is total self-centeredness. The fact that it's for kedusha or tum'ah is irrelevant, in the end.

As tears stream down my face because of the brutally chaotic and damaging decisions I have made in my life; will this journey bring me to the true home I am looking for...a home of kedusha/tahara? A home where the Tata Avrohom will embrace me and not send me away???  

Avraham Avinu will not send you away. Do you really think he is a mean old man and hates you? Why would he do that? Would You "send away" your grandson? 

Thank you for reading some of the thoughts that I reflect on this day.

I have followed the suggestions sent to me and have signed up for the 90 day chart and have also installed the k9 filter on my computer and my business partner is the admin for my computer, and I asked my wife to install the filter at home "for the sake of the kids". I got started early when I found my father's pornographic magazines... chalila v'chas, my children should never have to deal with this issue as I do... it's true gehinnom.

You bet it is.

GYE in the News: Link of the Day

 

 

Technology Addiction Guru Phil Rosenthal Addresses Baltimore Community Gathering of Over 1500

  "A highly recommended site for anyone struggling with an addiction to inappropriate content is guardyoureyes.org."

Anecdote of the Day

 

Shared by "Kutan"

 

A while back, after R' Wolfson spoke about shemiras eyenaim and shmiras bris one shalosh seudos, "Pintele yid" (from the forum) turned around and muttered under his breath, "there is a web site about this"...

 

Well, guess what? The guy standing next to him when he muttered, came over to him after Maariv... He is sunken into these problems really bad, and he asked Pintele for the site....

 

Well, this past Sukkos, he conducted a live SA meeting with some of the Boro Park chevra in Pintele's Sukka!

Amazing or what?

Member's Chizuk

 

The Illusion

 

"Aa1977" writes:

 

I know that Hashem will help me with this. I know that it's an illusion. I know that the void I feel inside, is all part of the illusion and part of the trap, which the Yetzer hara uses to entice us. Like R' Nachman's parable of the man in the market with his closed hand/bag, who convinces everyone that he has exactly what they're searching for... So they all run after him, only to discover in the end that he had nothing at all.

12-Step Attitude

 

Only a change in ME can affect the equation

 

Someone writes on the forum:

 

Day 52, no masturbation... but the house is in a total state of chaos. My child is behaving badly, my wife is in a crisis unable to cope, husband (me) trying to intervene, wife undermining me at all times and then (of course) screaming at me and hating me just because I try to restore order. There is no love in this house. I wish there were. There are no agreed rules, no FOUNDATION, nothing. I refuse to give it up though, my Rav advised me to work at it and understand that all this chaos from my wife stems from my lack of respect  for my wife and Hashem. So now that I've unloaded, I hope you are all having a great week. THANK YOU for listening. Sorry again for whining.  
 

"Jewboy" Responds:

 

Painful post. Sounds like you might be getting close to hitting bottom. That sounds bad, but in reality, is usually the blessed moment when we can start working to turn things around.

I wish I had some wisdom that could help you change your wife, but I don't. What I can say is, that despite what it may seem at times, you CAN change your attitudes. Then... GOD can come in and change YOU.  

Most of us will initially reject that WE need to be changed, but in the end, that is the only thing we can really do to have an effect on in the equation. It sounds like you have tried mightily to put your efforts into your wife, child and probably many more things, and it doesn't sound like it's worked out so well thus far.

In my experience, the only thing that works, is to change me. And I have only been able to effect change in me through the fellowship and program of SA.  

One other tool that has helped me in my marriage, is the book that many have recommended here, "The Garden of Peace".

 

"But how do people out there on this forum accept WITH JOY things that make them so angry and mad? Is there anyone out there (who's normal) who's actually achieved this?"

 

I have been able to begin to do this by working the steps of the 12-Step program and by joining the fellowship which teaches me honesty, humility and how to accept GOD's will for me.

If I would understand clearly that by being married to the wicked witch of the west I am doing the direct command and will of the CREATOR OF THE ENTIRE UNIVERSE, I would be ecstatic. Not because of the pain caused by being married to the witch, but by having the amazing opportunity to have such an important and honorable role.

Who has greater pride in their position the senior manager of a porn theater, or the cleaning lady in the white house (Ok, not during the Clinton administration, where there may be some overlap)? The cleaning lady, because she has a really impressive employer. Never mind that it is not so chasuv to empty garbage cans.

And yes, normal people can do this. And even more important, is that people who are not normal - i.e. addicts (I'm raising my hand) - can do this too!!

It is possible.

 

Daily Dose of Dov

Dov is sober in SA for over 13 years. See his story here.
 

Focusing on Not Focusing is Silly

 

In the days before I became an out-of-control addict, I found that going to the mikva was nice. Saying Tikkun haklali was also nice. But is it mainly tikkun that you want, or is it some freedom from the compulsion when it strikes that you are really looking for?

Please consider going easier on yourself. Bombarding this problem with energy often just gives it more power. The ikkar might be in remaining busy in being useful to Hashem, His people, and yourself. Focusing on not focusing on the aveiro is probably the silliest thing we can do.

 

Tip of the Day

 

Connecting
 

By "Yosef Hatzadik"
 

Lately I have been phoning/txting/emailing/chatting with other chevra. The Yetzer Horah thrives on isolation. He loves depression. I love shmoozing. I love connection. By communicating with others, I am 'connecting' to them, thereby getting my craving for 'emotional fulfillment' taken care in that way, so there is no room left for the Y"H to convince that his method will make feel good....!!!

Personal Victory of the Day
 

 The Two Trips
 

"Briut" writes:

 

Recently, I took my first business trip in a long time. A chance to choreograph a "Big Fall". Partly to "get it out of my system" (as I rationalized it) and perhaps partly a test if Hashem really wanted me saved from shmutz. Would He rescue me with His own Hand?

 

And sure enough, He did. Every single plan began to fall apart, through seemingly natural "coincidences" that left me knowing I could and should cancel the last remaining chance for it to work out. I felt His involvement very clearly, and knew He was guiding me. So, I was able to kill the last steps in my plans, WITHOUT REGRETS. Wow. 

Last week, I went on another trip. Somehow, I went back to making plans for a Big Fall. I waited for Him to swoop down and change the scene, but He didn't. So I continued ahead, telling myself that one Fall might actually make things better in the long run. The plan "clicked" into place, and soon I was in the middle of [whatever it was.] And suddenly I found myself thinking, "I don't really need this; it won't get me anywhere; I could just walk away." AND I DID. I'll skip the triggering details, but walking away right then was 1000% miraculous.

This second trip showed me something even more amazing than the first. Namely, that He gave ME the strength to walk away. Not to daven that HE do it, but to walk away completely on my own. He actually took His own divine strength and gave it over to me to use. As a gift, chinam. I cried tears of joy.

You see, before GYE, I would have taken credit for MY OWN incredible power, perhaps with His "help." My own work, not HIS. Now, I'm seeing not MY strength but HIS... that He handed me as a (reliable) GIFT. No need to daven that an external force swoop down to give me momentary strength -- HE has planted it right inside ME and it's there WHENEVER I call. HaMelech ya'anenu b'yom kareynu.

Member's Chizuk

 

We're into gradualism here

 

By "Aa1977":

 

We're all on a slow curve going up - but it has lots of dips and chinks along the way. You may have fallen, but you're still higher than you were a month ago, a year ago, or maybe even a week ago. Even though you don't feel it, every effort counts here.

See Rav Matisyohu Salomon, With Hearts Full of Faith (Mesorah, 2002) regarding Balei Teshuvah who are unable to instantly give up bad habits, where he distinguishes between "compromise, which is absolutely forbidden, and gradualism, which is acceptable and unavoidable." pp. 264-266.

We're into gradualism here, and we may not have much choice in the matter. The falls are part of the process. Work hard, but please - take it easy!!!

 

Let's admit it - how many of us have said a bracha with the shmutz on the computer right in front of us? Seems like we don't care about Ruchniyus! And yet we know we do care about Hashem and mitzvos and doing what's right. So what's going on?

 

Somehow we've gotten desensitized. We know Hashem's right there and yet - somehow it doesn't stop us. Are we so wicked and arrogant? Are we doing aveiros l'hachis? Absolutely not. We're all sweet neshamales' here - but we have this black hole inside and a voice that insists that Mother Lust can provide us with all our needs. It never works, but we just don't see how else to fill that void - to heal that pain; or we're afraid of life, responsibility, true intimacy - whatever - and doping out into cyber-numbness-land takes the edge off it.

 

Putting in a filter is good. But if you know you need more - do it. Don't let this year be the same as last year. Do something. Go to that meeting. Make the call. Go somewhere where no-one will know you. But go. For your sake. 

Daily Dose of Dov

Dov is sober in SA for over 13 years. See his story here.
 

If I look down, I'll fall and die
 

Counting the days we are clean can be wonderful for some, but I hope you realize that it can also be - deep within our hearts - a counting of how long we can actually tolerate the (inevitable) buildup until the next time we act out. I believe this is very frequent. It is exactly like climbing up a ladder. I am afraid of heights. If I look back down as I am climbing, once I get to an impossibly high height, my hands and feet begin to shake. I know that I would fall.... so I never climb that high! How high do you want to climb in sobriety? If you are looking back, you will not get very high. We all know that being sober 5 years in a row is just plain impossible... for each of us, the last barrier is the "impossible height". Sure it's BS, but our feelings do not care about sechel very much. It's our Reality, so why pit ourselves against so powerful an adversary? 

Instead, my experience in sobriety is like that of a guy walking across an abyss on a 2x8. Now, I have no trouble at all balancing on a 2x8 if I see it's on the floor! But if I see that it is suspended between two high buildings I will certainly panic, lose my balance, fall, and die. Looking down is just plain ossur. So I don't. And I do not count. 

 

For about three years, I didn't mention my starting date in the groups. I'd just introduce myself and say , "...and I am grateful for today's sobriety"... till my sponsor suggested I start saying my starting date (Feb 28th, 1997) in order to encourage newbies that it really is possible.

Parsha Talk 1 - Chaye Sarah

 

Real Love

 

By "An Honest Mouse"

 

(24:67) 'vayikach es rivkoh, vatehi loi le'isho vaye'ehoveho - and he took Rivka and she became his wife and he loved her'. One can be learn from the order of the words. In Western society, and certainly us as addicts, we go for the notion of falling in love head over heals, being swept off our feet, and then getting married. WRONG!
 

The Torah is teaching us, that first we get married and then we come to love our wives. Because whatever comes before marriage is not real, it's lust mixed in with an emotional attraction. Real love comes from living and building and connecting with our wives. It's davka real life that leads us to love them, not fantasies. That's why Yitschak only loved her after they were already married.

 

 

Parsha Talk 2 - Chaye Sarah

 

Tzadik for Now

 

"Blind Beggar" writes:

 

The Pasuk in this week's Parsha says, "and Rivka had a brother, and his name was Lavan". The Medrash says that for Tzadikim, the Torah says "and his name was" before the name, like "and his name was Boaz". But with Reshayim it is the other way round like, "Goliath was his name".  Asks the Ohr Hachaim, why does the posuk refer to Lavan like a Tzadik, like Boaz, and not like the rosho that he was, like Goliath?

The Ohr Hachaim answers that Lavan saw a strange man talking with his sister, which is a breach of tznius, so he ran over to investigate. Since he was doing an act of tzidkus, he is referred to like a Tzadik in the Pasuk.
 

Lesson: Whatever you are all day long, you are a Tzadik whenever you are reading the Chizuk e-mails, or when you're on the GYE Forum.

 

Parsha Talk 3 - Chaye Sarah

 

Innocence vs. Purity

 

Ovadia writes:

 

This week's Parsha begins by telling us the age Sarah Imeinu was when she died. The Pasuk breaks up each digit in the number of years she lived, with the word "years", and Rashi quotes Chazal who say that this is to tell us that Sarah was as pure from sin at the age of a hundred as she was when she was twenty, and as beautiful at the age of twenty as she was when she was seven.

Rav S. R. Hirsh ZT"L says that the simple reading of the Pasuk reads that Sarah was one hundred years, twenty years and seven years. These three figures correspond to three different periods in a person's life: childhood, adolescence and old age. Sarah used each of these to the full and took whatever she achieved in one period to the next. Thus, she took her childlike beauty into adolescence, and her spiritual purity till her old age. 

Similarly later on, the pasuk describes the old age of Avraham Avinu as "ba bayamim", meaning that he "lived the days". He did not let himself drown in the time. He lived each day to its fullest, and took the achievement of each day with him into the next.

Rav Hirsch comments on how generally people live their lives exactly the opposite. Adults wish for the beauty of a child, and grownups wish for the purity of "under 20's". That is not like Sarah, who took the purity and beauty with her into the next period.

 

The phrase "childlike innocence" is a misconception, because it implies that purity from sin is the same as innocence. This is a mistake. The definition of "innocence" is one who has not been exposed to a temptation, while purity is one who withstood the temptation despite the exposure. Sarah did not live her life in childlike innocence; she took the purity of an "under twenty" with her for her entire life. 

 

Daily Dose of Dov

Dov is sober in SA for over 13 years. See his story here.
 

The Groups are a Mirror
 

Ultimately, we all live with ourselves. There is no escape from ourselves - even by suicide, I believe. The discomfort we all feel being surrounded by real people in recovery (in SA groups) is just having a mirror shown to us, as the Ba'al Shem Tov taught us. We sense our own ugliness, but we "see" only theirs.
 

I take advantage of every opportunity I get to admit openly, in a safe environment, that I am a sexaholic, that I naturally gravitate toward using lust, that I am allergic to it, and that my disease is progressive, chronic, and guaranteed to be fatal should it progress enough c"v. Doing this frees me to let go and be free of lust's power. It gives me life, and it gave new life to my family.

Link of the Day

 

 

 Mussar & the 12-Steps
 

Rabbi Twerski shared with me today an article that he wrote for the website www.TorahWeb.org. It describes beautifully how the 12-Steps are derived from Torah principles, and it gives a clear summary of the 12-steps and how they apply to us as Frum Jews. A must read!

12-Step Attitude
 

Accepting the Things We Can't Control
 

"Eye.nonymous" writes:

 

Yesterday on my way to Shacharis, I felt VERY uncomfortable & irritable, and I knew I had to do something about this feeling or it might lead me to acting out.

So I tried to call someone (1st thing in the morning is even harder than trying to find someone at 2 AM in the morning!)  No luck. SO, I trudged off to kollel. I wanted to just ignore this feeling and get on with my day, hoping it would get better.

But, I knew this feeling would still be lurking in the background.

So, I sat down and wrote a letter to myself (something I have done before). I got all the things that were bothering me out onto paper (I somehow like this more than the formal "4th step worksheets"). Then, I tried to write myself an answer. I was surprised at how many things came out of my head, so many things that were bothering me. And, I was able to take the things I can't control and accept them. The  only thing I could change, was my attitude about certain things. I realized it was up to ME to decide whether to be happy about these things or worried about them.

The process took about a half hour, but it gave me peace of mind for the rest of the day (and has continued). It was well worth it.

Torah Quote of the Day

 

Zohar, Bereshit 189b

 

Those who do not guard the sign of the holy Brit cause a separation between Israel and their Father in heaven, as is written, "And you turn aside and worship other gods, and bow down to them," (Ibid.) And afterward, it says, "He shut up the heaven, so that there be no rain."For to be false to the holy Brit is considered like bowing down to another god.

 

Filter Tip
 

Blocking Images
 

Ovadia writes:

 

I have had K9 installed on my computer for a while and it has really done a good job, but I found that even after checking off the various categories I could still "dig up" some inappropriate pictures through Google image search, even though the site itself is blocked. (He is really good, the Y"H!! zaken verogil). I tried blocking images through K9, but that blocked all images including icons on GYE.

After a number of attempts, I overcame the problem like this: Besides for blocking categories, K9 also has an option to block specific sites. So I just plugged in "Google images" and it did the trick without interfering with any other sites.

Later I received two other suggestions from the filter gabbai:
1. Enable "force safe search" in K9. 
2. Use adblock.

 

"Blind Beggar" responds:

 

I use "Image Like Opera" which is a Firefox add-on recommended by GYE. It does a really good job, as do Adblock and Flashblock. The link for "Image Like Opera" for Firefox users is here.On WebChaver it says you can get it for Google Chrome also.

 

Daily Dose of Dov

Dov is sober in SA for over 13 years. See his story here.

 

There's a big difference between
Lusting & Acting Out (Part 1)

 

If every time I lust in any way, I would react by considering it tantamount to a "fall", there will be many problems. First, it would show that all this is about is what it was always about: Me and my goodness, or badness. As an addict in recovery, practically speaking, I cannot afford to be focused on the scale of the ShLo"H (which I love learning now!), the Yesod Yosef, or anyone else whose goal is kedushas hamachshovah almost as a goal in and of itself. I completely lose my humility that way. Before long, I find myself truly believing that I am "busy with great things (madreigos)", yet masturbating all the same. I went that way for years, gave shiurim for ba'alei teshuva, and masturbated (and worse) until one day by G-d's Grace I grew up a bit and decided that I'd rather be a humble sober kosher Jew, than a star-crossed, kedusha-struggling Jew who isn't sober. I spared myself the hashkofah. I know it sounds horrid to a pumped-up truly well-meaning d'veikus-seekers of today, but it works. And paradoxically, in all my life I have never been as successful in trying to really serve Hashem as I am today. I am not sure I am serving Him, but I sure am trying harder and enjoying it more naturally than ever! B"H I have been able to take on many things and limudim that previously would lead me down a path of "greatness"! Hah. I hope I'm not fooled any more. I am just a sexaholic who is trying to learn the depths of Hashem's Torah and serve Him with all the heart I have left, if he lets me. Even if I will never "get" any reward for it from Him. Being in that army is worth it. By all rights, I shouldn't be allowed in at all. 

 

In SA, our sobriety definition includes no sex with myself, and none with anyone other than my wife. Of course, progressive freedom from the preoccupation with lust is necessary for success with remaining sober, so: If I were to be forcing my wife to have sex, or if I were to be masturbating up until the point that I don't "do the aveiro", or just look at porn all day today, I would certainly lose my sobriety the good ol' fashioned way, in a matter of time. I will need to quit that, or else. So I always do (so far), with His help.

 

I accept that sexaholics lust sometimes - we do that. Nu. I need to admit any intentional use of lust to my home group and - if I am smart - will call my friends and talk with them about it and admit this new proof of my powerlessness over lust in any meeting I go to... but then "Keep on Trucking!" is what I need to hear and do! 

If being sober is not good enough for me, then I say it isn't sobriety I am after, but my own Pride and perfection, masked in religion. That's the way it is for me.

Story of the Day (Amazing!)
 

Hashem speaks even through Google!
 

"Naftali" writes:

 

I am a frum married man and have been struggling with this addiction for approximately twenty years, even before the advent of the internet.

When I was in high school, I was absolutely convinced that there was no way I would continue doing it when I went to learn in Israel. That resolve didn't last long, although towards the second part of the year - I read quite a bit on the topic (Reishis Chochma, etc) and bought a small collection of various Chassidic/Kabbalistic sefarim filled with various Tikkunim/Segulos/etc. Though I did very few of these tikkunim, I did achieve some level of growth, cried real tears, and mostly stopped for somewhere between two to three months. That was probably the longest period that I have ever been sober since.

When I went back to the states, the old habits came back quickly (even though I was not watching any tv anymore) and then - THE INTERNET.... While the result (MZ"L) was the same as before, the material was so much more vast. Whatever 'preferences' I had before - could be found within seconds. Anything you could think of could be found.... the abyss was complete.

When I was single, I was absolutely convinced that there was NO WAY that I would keep having this problem after getting married - I mean, how could I? Took about a month for it to come back in full force. Then I remember thinking that when my wife would get pregnant, there would be absolutely no way (I am somewhat familiar with some of the kabbalistic ramifications, so I figured there's no way I could do that then...) - but I didn't stop... Then when my son was born, that was the absolute end... but NO IT WASN'T! I don't want to go into details, but one time that really stands out in my mind is looking at porn while my wife and newborn son are sleeping in the same room. I don't need to go on, I'm sure you know where this is going.  

I don't think that I've hit rock bottom yet.... I don't want to hit rock bottom. Although I have some tears in my eyes while writing these words...

My Yom Kippurs are filled with remorse and kavona. I find that it's one of the few days when the shell opens up and the real me comes out. Every year, on THAT day, I find myself feeling like I finally came back, for the first and last time. Never again will I go back to the filth and darkness. Sometimes I make it to Hoshanah Rabba, more often not.

Still, I did do something very different this year on Yom Kippur. I was a bit more honest with myself and with Hashem than usual. I told him straight out that while I have charata, and never ever want to do this again - I know that I say this every year. I'm not stupid and I know plenty of practical ways to improve my situation (ranging from a serious daily accounting, daily mussar reading/chizuk - to seeing a therapist privately) but why WHY am I not taking these steps!? Hashem, you have to help me help myself - I don't want to be saying the same things again next year!

A few days before Hoshanah Rabbah, when I was very close to final breaking point, out of desperation I started typing a plea to Hashem into a Google search (I know it sounds tacky, but I do that sometimes...) I don't remember the exact text of it, so will not attempt to reproduce it - but the general gist was how I was frustrated and wasn't meeting my obligations and goals. I don't remember there being any mention of MZ"L or related keywords... Anyways, something really weird and amazing happened. Even before I clicked on 'Search' - all the results on the page disappeared and the browser was trying to load a page from the guardyoueyes.com forum. It never loaded, but I figured that you don't get more of a direct answer than that - so I typed out the url and after ten minutes of reading felt my first breath or relief in years. Not relief that my problems were solved, but that this was solid proof that I'm not the only one out there and that THERE IS HOPE. 

(I kind of understand what happened - to a point. Google has a new feature called "Instant" which shows you results as you type your search. Also, I have a few virus-protection plugins that slightly change the content-results coming in from Google. That together explains why all the content 'disappeared' from my screen before I even hit search... i.e. the sentence had so many keywords that Google somehow narrowed it down to one site, then gave up, but the plugin was already trying to analyze it & got stuck.. or something like that. But that doesn't explain why content from GYE started automatically loading in the progress bar without my hitting anything! And I was not able to reproduce it after trying a bunch of times that day. To me, it was clearly Hashem reaching out to me and showing the way forward. Why didn't I find GYE in the past? I use the internet fairly frequently - read blogs, news, etc...)

Anyway, I think that I am ready to really jump in.
 

Over the past week I have:
- Signed up for daily chizuk emails
- Downloaded the guidebooks
- Joined the forum
- Started attending a weekly introductory phone group (Elya's)
- Created a 90-day profile (have been clean 5 days now)
- Requested a Sponsor from the partner gabai

- Installed & configured K-9 on my computer. 

 
Things that I plan to do in the near future:
- join a responsibility-group (in about a month)
- join the noon SA group (when they start a new cycle)
- possibly install an accountability program in addition to K-9 

- possibly use some form of the Taphsic method described on the site
- work on true Teshuva (combination of SA steps + some Tikkunim that I am familiar with & have been planning on doing)
- if all above don't work out for over half a year - I will contact one of the professional therapists referred to on your site.

I cannot express how much appreciation I have for the people who made this site and community and continue to make it thrive. While we all have our missions in life, and don't necessarily always know what they are - I am SURE that you are making major roadwork in Shamayim. I hope to some day not only be thanking you but contributing as well - although there is so much work to be done beforehand...

Thank you again & Hatzlocha to everyone here!

Torah Quote of the Day

 

Zohar, Bereshit 236b
 

Rabbi Abba explained the verse: "The secret of Hashem is revealed to those who fear Him, to make known to them His Brit," (Tehillim, 25:14.) "The secret of Hashem," is the most exalted secret of the Torah that G-d only grants to those who fear sin. To those who fear sin, G-d reveals the most exalted secret of the Torah. And what is the most exalted secret of the Torah? It is (the secret of) the sign of the holy Brit, which is called the secret of the L-rd - this is the holy Brit.

Daily Dose of Dov

Dov is sober in SA for over 13 years. See his story here.

 

There's a big difference between
 

Lusting & Acting Out (Part 2)
 

In continuation of yesterday's "Daily Dose of Dov", someone asks Dov:

 

"Since the real reason for our acting out is excessive lusting, why isn't that our main focus (as opposed to just 'not acting out')?"

 

Dov Responds:

 

And if it is part of my focus then what? I don't make it go away by the power of my focus anyway! I haven't that power! I just surrender the right to lust today and do the best I can to stay interested in Hashem, and in my job. So I lust sometimes, tsk, tsk. I have a besmirched record. Shame on me. But I will do what is in my power to remain sober today, at all costs. My perfection is not the issue, but my honesty. I can be honest without being perfect, as long as I am honest about my imperfection. 

 

"And what would you say about an issue that is purely emotional, such as hating, jealousy or fantasies and lusting? There, the action is actually in your head!"

 

I have really found it to be true that "I cannot think myself into right living - I can only live myself into right thinking". The mess in my heart is not always in my power to change. I can admit and share it, work steps 4-9 on it, but in the end, the 7th step only works if I let go of the jealousies, fears, entitlements and resentments that affect me and sincerely ask to Hashem to wash it all out of me. 

The way this "character development thing" has worked for me thus far is this: My own acting out has taught me that I need to be sober. No negotiation, it's #1 before my wife, kids, and my own feelings. But I have character defects of Pride, fear, entitlement, grandiose thinking, and resentment that get in the way. They make me very uncomfortable, and if I get uncomfortable enough, I have accepted that it will lead me to act out for relief. Not losing my sobriety motivates me to work steps 4-9 as needed, in order to remain sober and not lose everything and die. That's also why my entire avodah has grown over the years. I feel this connection is needed, and I do whatever is necessary to grow and maintain it. Not because it's right, but for my own good. If this is horrifying to some, I have nothing to say except that it is how I understand ani leDodi v'Dodi li - He want us to accept Him, but "accepting" Him also means to use Him!  Dodi li means he is for me! Use His Power!

Link of the Day
 

Internet Dangers

 

An excellent shiur about the dangers of the Internet from Rav Hershel Shechter in 2007, with some practical suggestions.
 

(If you ever encounter scorn from modern Orthodox quarters about internet restrictions/filters, let them listen to this shiur).

Member's Chizuk

 

What's in it for Me?

 

By "Jack", clean for two years on GYE

 

In America, it is often asked:  'what's in it for me?' Well, being "clean" is not the same as fulfilling every desire of ours - it's a much more subtle feeling. It takes time to appreciate the feeling that comes with being holy (separate). It is NOT immediate gratification, and it is NOT physical in nature. Physical gratification can be seen and felt immediately - spiritual gratification is not immediately discernible or felt. Rabbi Twerski says that America is a land that is very conducive to creating the addictive personality. Every physical gratification is so readily available, everywhere. We ask, "what does spiritual cleanliness do for me? Where is the benefit in keeping clean?" We have to realize that the benefit will not be the same as succumbing to lust. The only way we will know what the benefit is, is by being clean, WE have to trust the Torah. No one can explain to us what the benefits are - we have to experience it. Only then will we know - and it takes a long time. Can someone describe to you how grape juice tastes? You have to taste it yourself. We have to have patience, and trust, and of course, good friends.

Story of the Day

 

Admitting Defeat

 

By "Shteiging guy"

 

I just found out about this amazing website. I've been struggling with this for almost 20 years.

 

Its such a good feeling to be able to share. I've got a streak going on now.

 

It all started innocently with some masturbation when I was 12 years old. I didn't even realize what I was doing. It just felt good and relaxed me. From then on it was downhill. I am currently 31 with 4 kids. I've had clean streaks, but when I would go back, it would be to worse things. I switched from trying to fight it like crazy, to just accepting that it would have to be part of my life.

 

B"H I recently went to a therapist. In the last conversation, I kept on asking him what my mindset should be. Every week I would try a different one, only to fail at the end of the week. He finally screamed at me and said, "I already told you that you can't do this yourself. WHY ARE YOU ASKING ME AGAIN WHAT YOU CAN DO? DON'T YOU SEE HOW YOU'RE SET UP FOR FAILURE?" It finally penetrated. I was always trying to solve it myself. He finally showed me how to admit defeat. It finally sunk in. I can't do this myself. And the amazing thing is that I felt so much better after surrendering. It took so much pressure off me. I realized that there were so many other places in my life that I was always trying to take care of everything myself as well. I need to learn how to let Hashem take care of my life.

Torah Quote of the Day

 

Zohar, Bereshit 197a
 

Come and see, the Holy One Blessed Be He fashioned the kingdom of earth after the model of the kingdom of heaven, one like the other, and whatever transpires on earth has first been approved above by G-d.  

The holy kingdom was not a completed kingdom until it was united with the Patriarchs, since the Holy One Blessed Be He fashioned the upper kingdom that it should be illuminated in the world by the (sefirot mystically embodied in the) Patriarchs. 

And when Yosef, the tzaddik, went down to Egypt before his family, he drew the Shechinah after him, since the Shechinah only follows after the tzaddik (keeper of the Brit.) This is the reason that Yosef preceded the others to Egypt, where he gathered up all the wealth of the world, as was fitting. Afterwards, the Shechinah went down to Egypt to accompany the descent of the tribes. 

And because Yosef guarded his Brit in sexual purity, he merited to be crowned with and attached to the place fitting him (the Yesod,) and thus merited kingship both in the upper and lower kingdoms. And likewise, whoever guards the holy Brit, it is like he observed all of holy Torah, since the Brit is equal in weight with the whole Torah.
 

(Note: Brit = 612, perhaps to show it is equal to all other 612 mitzvos of the Torah)

Daily Dose of Dov

Dov is sober in SA for over 13 years. See his story here.

 

 

Someone wrote on the forum:

 

I am trying to rely only on my wife, but I can't find the satisfaction in her, it's a big problem. I am having a urge to just drop the new me with her, & go back to self pleasure, it's just much more fun.

 

Dov Replies:

 

As an addict, I really must say something distinctly un-GYE, and in all seriousness: Good luck. I tried that and after a few years of more failure at being a happy pervert, saw that I'd never satisfy myself with lust anyway without dying for it. Then I ran like hell to recovery, b"H. If I could still successfully act out, I probably would today. Am I a rasha? Maybe. But that's not my concern. I have accepted on myself to salvage whatever of my life is left to be sober in, and that's it. What Hashem gives me and doesn't give me, is His business. If I really thought it was all a moral issue, you can see what a horrid pretzel I'd be!  

No one could have proven it to me, and it would be silly for me to try to prove anything to you, either. 

ANNOUNCEMENT 1:

 

Elya's Phone Conference

 

Tonight, at 7:45 PM Eastern Time
 

This is an open invitation to everyone to join the Call

 

Call in number: 1-712-429-0690
Access PIN: 225356#

 

Please join us!

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

ANNOUNCEMENT 2:

 

Zeva's phone group will be starting a new cycle in about 2 weeks.

 

Click here for more info - and to sign up.

 

Gary writes:

 

"I am very pleased to recommend Zeva Citronenbaum LCSWR CSAT as a coach, mentor, and friend that has been providing counseling to our group for the past 20 weeks. Zeva is both engaging and informative, teaching us the skills in "mindfulness, DBT, disclosure, feelings and relationships with family and spouses. I can honestly say that Zeva and the group she runs once per week is a major contributing factor to my recovery. I enjoy her sessions and learn many insightful methods of dealing with sexual addiction and the feelings of an addict. I would recommend any addict desiring to change their lives and recover from their illness to join one of Zeva's groups if possible, or to contact Guard Your Eyes for recommendations and assistance." 

 

I'm Hopeless

 

Moshe wrote on the forum:

 

I feel like I'm hopeless. I've tried almost everything, but I am locked in a vicious cycle of good, bad and ugly days. Every time a few good days pass, I get the good feeling and forget about my effort of recovery, even though I know it won't last. The fact is, I can't stop acting out and I can't help myself.

Years ago, I thought I was the only guy in the world with this problem until I found out that many suffer with this addiction, but today I believe I'm the only guy in the world who cannot recover.

On the optimistic side, I've been actively trying to stop my 15 year addiction for more than 4 or 5 years and through the work I've done over the last few years (SA, phone conferences, GYE and therapy), I am way more in touch with my feelings. I see the very clear link between my fears of facing daily life/disconnection to life and my acting out. I clearly see that I run to porn as a drug to make myself feel better and that acting out is my drug. I am afraid of so many things that don't even make sense. A few years ago, I didn't believe any of that, I thought it was all just a yetzer hara.

I am also having some more "up time", meaning that although I act out on a regular basis, the hours of "living life" have increased dramatically, and the hours spent in isolation are decreasing slowly.
 

Dear Moshe,

 

Welcome to GYE, the world of the hopeless. We can't, but He can. "Kovei Hashem YACHALIFU Koach" - we can exchange our koach with Hashem's. We just need to learn how to LET Him do it FOR US.

 

Harvey, one of the founders of SA, sums up the SA program as just 2 simple things:

1) Don't act out even if your tush falls off!

2) Call someone.

 

I'm sure you've tried nedarim in the past to no avail, but how about trying this one?

 

"I am mekabel upon myself bi'neder for a week, that if I act out without calling someone first I will need to give a $100 donation to GYE".

 

With this neder, you are free to act out. But you just need to call someone first. If you don't, it will hurt.... You'll be amazed to find how the urge to act out greatly diminishes when you know you HAVE TO call someone first ;-)

 

Where can you get numbers to call? From your SA groups, or from Duvid Chaim's call roster... Or you can even ask for anyone on the forum to PM you their number. I'm sure you'll get a few guys who are willing to have you call them...

 

When you call someone, don't expect to get any major chizuk. Just tell them the honest truth about what you feel, what your triggers are, and how powerless you feel. You'll be amazed to see that the lust fades when you bring it into the light.

 

There really is no other way to stay sober. We need to call someone. We need to get it out into the open. If we stay in our heads, we're toast.

 

"Kedusha" responds to Moshe:

 

Dear Moshe,

Staying sober is simple, but not easy. A few "simple" tips, which you've, no doubt, heard before in one form or another:

1) What happened in the past is irrelevant.  What will happen tomorrow is not your cheshbon.  What does matter, and comes before ANYTHING AND EVERYTHING else, is that we stay clean TODAY.  If we're clean just today, we've won the Powerball times a Googleplex.  If we really believed this, none of us would fall today.  This "one day at a time" rule can be modified, if we're feeling weak, to one hour at a time, or even 5 minutes at a time.  Does our sobriety really come before everything?  Yes.  It comes before our marriages.  It comes before our children.  It comes before our parnasa. That's because, without our sobriety, we stand to lose all of these, and everything else, in this world and the next.

2) Because our sobriety is the most important thing in the world, we need sobriety insurance.  Sobriety insurance?  Why not?  We insure our cars, our homes, and everything else that's important to us.  Our sobriety is our home x 1,000,000,000, so we'd sure as heck better insure it.  How to insure our sobriety?  At the very least, we need to set  up effective safeguards: an effective filter, to which we have no access to the password, and monitoring software, which reports every site we visit to a trusted third party.  We need to be accountable.

3) Every fall, c"v, needs to cost us an amount we can afford, but an amount that hurts at the same time.  This can be a donation to Tzedaka or some other type of k'nas, monetary or otherwise. The idea is that it needs to hurt significantly more to fall than not to fall.

4) Most important, we need to effectively reach out to others and to the RBS"O, and always be working an effective program. The GYE handbook will point us in the right direction as to what we need to be doing: If step #1 is not enough, we need to move on to step #2, and so on, until we find what works for us.