1001. |
Sunday ~ 6 Nissan,
5771 ~ April 10, 2011
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In Today's Issue
- Links:
Weekly Excerpts
from Rabbi Avigdor Miller
- Nachas Ruach
Treatment Model:
Preface
- Nachas Ruach
Treatment Model:
Excerpt 1
- Daily Dose of Dov:
If It's
Impossible There Might Be Hope
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Category: Links
Weekly Excerpts from Rabbi Avigdor Miller
We received this e-mail today:
Mazel tov on chizuk email 1000! May we all go
mechayil el chayil!
I just wanted to say that I am really happy when you
put in links to excerpts from the shiurim of R'
Avigdor Miller ztz"l. I used to listen to his
shiurim non-stop, 2 - 3 a day, and got so much
chizuk from them, when times were really hard for
me. So, I want to let everyone know that there is a
link where people can subscribe to weekly excerpts
and gain much chizuk.
CLICK HERE
May it be a zikui harabim.
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The 'Nachas Ruach' Treatment Model
In the coming e-mails we will be bringing excerpts
from the new book "Nachas Ruach: Torah-Based
Psychotherapy and Tools for Growth and Healing"
from the Jerusalem based therapist Rabbi Naftali
Fish. Rabbi Dr. Abraham Twerski wrote about
the book that it is, quote, "...an important
contribution in furthering the understanding of
psychology and psychotherapy for Torah-observant
people..."
Preface:
A Way Out of Addiction for Orthodox Jews?
From
Internet addiction to marital and family problems,
from "teens at risk" to the psychological challenges
facing those who are frum from birth and baalei
teshuvah, today's changing world can be a confusing
one. The religious Jewish community is also not
immune to many sensitive contemporary issues, which
can no longer be ignored. Yet sadly, some people who
need psychological advice refrain from seeking it,
believing that contemporary psychology and
psychiatry are antagonistic to Yiddishkeit.
This important work by well-known therapist Dr.
Naftali Fish offers a solid conceptual framework for
understanding the relationship between Torah and
psychology - including the Twelve Step program -
showing clearly where they are compatible and where
they are not. Dr. Fish is uniquely qualified to
bridge this gap, as an Orthodox Jew grounded in
Torah Judaism and the wisdom of our sages, and as a
licensed clinical psychologist living in Jerusalem,
with over twenty-five years' experience working with
a variety of clinical issues, including the
treatment of addictions and healing the inner
wounded child. Here he presents the Nachas Ruach
Treatment Model (NRTM), an innovative, effective
approach that integrates Torah values and
spirituality within the context of professional
psychotherapy and hypnotherapy, as illustrated by
intriguing case studies.
This book is a must-read for all professionals in
the field of mental health, as well as for rabbis,
educators, students studying psychology, and
educated lay readers. Blending theory and practice,
this book also provides practical tools and
exercises for personal growth that anyone can gain
from in their daily lives.
The book can be purchased online via
this link.
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Excerpt 1
Nachas Ruach: Torah-Based Psychotherapy and Tools
for Growth and Healing
Torah Perspectives on the Twelve Steps
In this section we will analyze the Twelve Step
program of addictions and recovery from a Torah
perspective. In recent years the Twelve Step program
has become widely accepted both in Israel and in the
Jewish world. Our goal is to clarify where there is
compatibility between the program and the Torah, and
where there are differences. This endeavor is a
response to the great interest in this subject by
those who are participating in the program and
others.
Six additional Torah concepts that enhance the
"classical program" for those who are looking for
more Jewish content per se will also be discussed
and is seen to be an important.
The First Step
"We admitted we were powerless over our addiction,
that our lives had become unmanageable."[1]
This step is equivalent to the Jewish concept of
confession, or vidui, in which a person
verbally admits that he has a problem. In Judaism
this is the first step on the road to repentance or
teshuvah.[2]
The Torah acknowledges that it is not easy for a
person to admit he made a mistake. For addicts it
often takes years before they are "ready" and able
to break out of denial and finally admit that they
have a serious problem. Usually, the existence of
this problem was already known to everyone else, but
not to the addict himself.
In Judaism, confession was an integral part of the
Yom Kippur rites that accompanied the sacrificial
service during
the time of the Temple: "Those who bring sin
offerings or guilt offerings must also confess when
they bring their sacrifices for their inadvertent or
willful transgressions. Their sacrifices will not
atone for their sins unless they repent and make a
verbal confession."[3]
According to the Sephardic tradition, vidui is
also recited throughout the year after the Amidah.
It is written in the plural form: "We have become
guilty, we have betrayed... (.(אשמנו
בגדנו..."
Similarly, the Twelve Steps are formulated from a
group perspective: "We admitted that we were
powerless over our addictions." Psychologically, it
might be easier for the individual to admit his
shortcomings as part of a larger group, which may
mean for him that he is not the only "bad" or "sick"
person who has this problem or behavior to work on.
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Daily Dose of Dov
Dov is sober in SA for 14 years. See his story
here.
If It's Impossible There Might Be Hope
Dear friend,
Do you think you are
an addict? In other words, are you beaten? I am. I'm
an addict who is sober today for a bunch of years
and there are many others like me (even many frum
ones) who will gladly meet with you on the phone, or
preferably in person, to freely and openly share
their recovery with you. It all depends on what you
are willing to do for your recovery - and if you
really feel you 'have had enough' already. I have
had enough, b"H, and it sounds like you may have,
too. All my love for my wife and innocent children
will not stop me from horrifically screwing my life
up. You seem to see the same thing, and are shocked.
I'm not. I am an addict.
Only I can
give up the useless
breath-holding-in-the-face-of-temptation and finally
reach for the company of other addicts so that I can
get the help I need from Hashem.
Nu. It's very, very
hard. It's actually impossible. If you see it
that way, then I say there is - possibly for the
very first time - hope that you might finally start
to get better, by Hashem's Chessed, as many others
have, and are, today. Who really needs G-d at all,
if they have power?
Give up on the
breath-holding struggle, but not on yourself! You
have a life; your wife has a husband; and your
children have a father. There is help for you to
still save those things.
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1002. |
Monday ~ 7 Nissan,
5771 ~ April 11, 2011
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In Today's Issue
- Announcement:
Special
Pesach/Freedom Call Tonight
- Torah > Pesach:
Pharaoh's Hardened
Heart
- Nachas Ruach
Treatment Model:
Excerpt 2
- Daily Dose of Dov:
Don't Put the Cart
Before the Horse
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Announcement from Elya
On this
Monday night's call we will have a special shiur
(group) meeting speaking about Pesach and Freedom
and how to apply these concepts to our unique lives
today. If you have any Divrei Torah or thoughts,
please write them down and participate. How can we
break free from the enslavement of this addiction.
What does the Haggadah suggest that might help us?
Which of the four sons is the addicted one? (I don't
know the answer to this one,
but it's something to think about).
Monday night 9 p.m. EST (8 Central, 6 Pacific)
Tel: 712-429-0690
PIN# 225356
Click here for more info on the call.
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Category: Torah > Pesach
Pharaoh's Hardened Heart
By "Jester"
This coming seder night, we will
read of the Makkos (plagues). We
will all ask, "how was Pharaoh so stupid as
to not read the danger signs?". We will be answered
that "Hashem hardened his heart".
It took a mortal danger to Pharaoh himself before
he ran to the B'nei Yisroel, begging them
to leave, something he would never have considered
doing in the past.
I can attest to this
sequence of events, as I imagine many here can do.
We might start off with some guilt, but over time,
our hearts are hardened (calloused, if you will).
We might see some danger signs, but "we can manage
them". Finally, we get a good kick up the
backside. Many of us will thank Hashem for
this, some might not. But at that stage, we will do
the unspeakable, and ask for help, or have help
thrust upon us.
And how many of the B'nei
Yisroel did
not want to leave? And how many only continued
because of the support of good leadership and
downright peer-pressure? Chazal have
repeatedly pointed out reference to our own
"personal" Mitzrayim and
slavery to the physical (especially lust) from which
we should escape.
When you are all at
your Seder,
reading about the plagues and ultimate mortal peril
in which Paroh found
himself - spare a thought for your fellow Yidden who
have a hardened heart, and pray that we all have the
strength to move forward before we are
forcibly moved on.
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The 'Nachas
Ruach' Treatment Model
Excerpt 2
Nachas Ruach: Torah-Based Psychotherapy and Tools
for Growth and Healing
The book can be purchased online via
this link
Torah Perspectives on the Twelve Steps
Continuation of
"Step 1"
An important principle in Jewish thought related to
change enjoins the individual to take immediate
action to cease his negative behavior and begin to
act in a positive direction:
סור מרע ועשה טוב,
"Depart from evil, and do good" (Psalms 34:15). The
Twelve Steps also start from this perspective. The
addict initially needs to stop his active addiction
("depart from evil") and then begin to learn how to
live in a better way ("do good"). In contrast, the
classical Freudian view of addictions believed that
the addict first needed to work through the
unconscious conflict, which was thought to be the
source of the addiction. In the best case scenario,
this process would take considerable time before the
active addiction would "fade away" because it was no
longer "being fuelled" by the unconscious etiology
or source. The problem involved in using this
approach was that in the meantime the addict would
still be "out of control," continuing to act in ways
that were destructive to himself, his family, and
his environment.
Judaism also stresses that teshuvah means
first stopping the behavior and then trying to
understand and modify its deeper roots. The Rambam
explains this further: "What constitutes teshuvah?
That a sinner should abandon his sin [in action] and
remove it
from his thoughts.[1]
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Daily Dose of Dov
Dov is sober in SA for 14 years. See his story
here.
Don't Put the Cart Before the Horse
I pity the person who starts off his recovery by
focusing on fixing the human wreckage his behavior
caused. In my case that'd truly be putting the cart
before the horse, and in the worst way. It would
retard my entire - and I mean entire - recovery and
leave me:
1- still running the
show, instead of following
directions (and
judging by how well I did till now, that's not a
good idea!);
2- prone to
"forgiving" myself as soon as I feel all better
because they forgave me! Who really needs to get any
better once they can convince everyone they hurt
that they are now a reformed ba'al teshuvah humbly
begging for their mercy? Eventually, I'd get
'forgiven' by them and by Hashem - and certainly
remain the same exact pervert forever...
and 3- it'd leave me
at the center of my universe, which is exactly how I
got so messed up in the first place. It'd still be
all about MY t'shuva, MY dveikus, MY tikkun, ME, ME,
and more endless, bottomless ME. (This is apparently
a subtle point to many people, for some reason...but
it seems to be everything,
from where I am standing.)
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1003. |
Tuesday ~ 8 Nissan,
5771 ~ April 12, 2011
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In Today's Issue
- Announcement:
Do you want to
help for the large Assifa?
- Torah > Pesach,
Metzorah: The
Eizov: Humbled, Not Defeated
- Nachas Ruach
Treatment Model:
Excerpt 3 - The Second Step
- Daily Dose of Dov:
Letting the
Familiar Curiosity Go
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Announcement
There will be a large assifa about the dangers of
technology related issues
and
solutions in the Medowlands Arena shortly
after Pesach be"H, with hopefully over 10,000 in
attendance. The GYE hotline will be disseminated
there as well. In preparation for the huge assifa,
there will be a phone conference call tomorrow night
(Wed. 9:30 PM) for Roshei Yeshivos, Mechanchim,
Marbitzei Torah and Askanim. If anyone wants to help
prepare for the Assifa in anyway, whether through
helping get the word out, financially or in any
other way, they should call
732-901-6176
for information on the phone conference.
Tizke Lemitzvos!
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Category: Torah> Pesach, Metzorah
The Eizov: Humbled, Not Defeated
The 12-Steps stress that it is generally our egos
that cause us to "act-out", whether stemming from a
sense of "entitlement", or from the need to
"control" things to go our way. When an addict is
finally "beaten" and his life becomes unmanageable,
he stands before two choices. He can either fall
into complete despair, hopelessness and continue to
perpetuate his misery, or he can break his "heart"
and humble himself before Hashem, becoming
completely dependant on Him, with the knowledge that
Hashem loves Him and will care for him even though
he is sick. This is the root of true recovery, and
this Yesod ties in beautifully with the punishment
of the Metzorah and the story of Pesach in the
following piece from Rabbi Teichman:
Click here for the full article
(on page 2 of the PDF)
Quote from article:
"When we fully submit ourselves before Hashem's
will, and sense our value in His eyes regardless of
our stature and accomplishments, there is nothing
more humbling and inspiring. It wasn't a sense of
defeat but rather a sense of total dependence and
trust in Hashem that boosted them in Egypt...."
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The 'Nachas
Ruach' Treatment Model
Excerpt 3
Nachas Ruach: Torah-Based Psychotherapy and Tools
for Growth and Healing
The book can be purchased online via
this link
Torah Perspectives on the Twelve Steps
"The Second
Step"
"We came to believe that a power greater than
ourselves could restore us to sanity."
[1]
This can be seen as an intellectual acknowledgment
of what Judaism calls "accepting the yoke of Divine
sovereignty" (Kabbalas ol Malchus Shamayim),
which the Rabbis understood to be the implication of
the first of the Ten Commandments: "I, Hashem, shall
be your God, Who brought you out of Egypt, from the
house of slaves."[2]
I noted earlier that in contemporary society, the
Twelve Step philosophy represents a paradigm shift.
I once heard from Rav Chaim Lipschitz that in the
"post-modern world" most of the major ideologies of
the twentieth century have been discredited. The
only "ism" that remains is narcissism - the ideology
of "I... Self...
Me." Therefore, it really is
significant that the Twelve Step program is based on
acknowledging "a power greater than ourselves." In
practical terms, this means that the recovering
addict learns that one's willpower is "necessary but
not sufficient" to overcome an addiction and that
there is a higher purpose or motivation in life
besides seeking immediate gratification, which for
many people growing up in contemporary society is
really a new idea.
The Torah begins with the powerful statement
acknowledging the Higher Power:
בראשית ברא אלוקים את השמים ואת הארץ,
"In the beginning God created the heavens and the
earth" (Genesis 1:1). In relation to this issue, the
Rambam begins the Mishneh Torah with the
dramatic teaching: "The foundation of all
foundations and the pillar of wisdom is to know that
there is a Primary Being Who brought into being all
existence."[3]
Looking at addictions, the Torah understands that
beyond physical servitude, there are also emotional
and spiritual kinds of slavery, which lead us into
narrow, constricted places of the soul:
מן המצר קראתי יה, ענני במרחב יה,
"From the straits did I call upon God; God answered
me with expansiveness" (Psalm 118:5). The root of
the word "straits" ((מצר
is the same as the root of the word "Egypt"
(מצרים).
Addictions certainly fall into this category.
In relation to the belief that a power greater than
ourselves could restore us to sanity, it is clear
that the Jewish people were not able to leave
slavery without direct Divine assistance, as
stressed in the Pesach Haggadah. Nonetheless, before
receiving Divine assistance, they had to make some
initial effort that demonstrated their willingness
and worthiness to be redeemed. The Pesach sacrifice
(the korban Pesach) was offered only after
the Jewish slaves openly kept the sheep in
their houses for four days before the actual
sacrifice. This required great courage, since the
Jews knew that the Egyptians, their masters,
worshiped this animal and had the power to punish
them for opposing what they believed in.
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Daily Dose of Dov
Dov is sober in SA for 14 years. See his story
here.
Letting the Familiar Curiosity Go
People in recovery often emphasize "living in
the solution, not in the problem". It's hard to
understand, at first. "whadaya mean, I'm living
in the problem?" When we delve and delve and
delve... it wraps us up in the problem and soon we
will act out. Cuz we are sick and cannot stay sane
very long while staring squarely at unhealthy
living; even if it is for the sake of 'getting
better'.
(Even the 1st and 4th
step inventories are not safe places to loiter. We
cannot live without them so we do them with a
sponsor and then he helps us move on and use what
we have learned rather than wallow in
it.)
I need alternative
things to do when
that familiar curiosity strikes.
Thoughts like,
-
"Been clean four months. I can't believe it. But
am I really a better person?
What if I am tested a bit?";
-
"I've been clean for fifteen months now. Gevalt!
I wonder if my anatomy still works!";
-
"Well, is that little video store still in
business, or did Hashem finally strike
it with that lightning I wished for?"; and
like,
-
"What was/is it that
I liked so much about lust and porn after all?
Why was
I so caught up in it? I need to know!".
Yeah.
I might think those
thoughts every now and then, and
that's fine.
Thinking them is not my fault - but holding onto
them and acting on them is.
I believe b'emunah sheleimah that I
need to let them go.
Others may have the luxury of thinking it over,
conducting further 'research', and figuring it all
out, and G-d bless them. I do not. And figuring out
why they can
and I can't
is veiter none
of my concern.
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1004. |
Wednesday ~ 9
Nissan, 5771 ~ April 13, 2011
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In Today's Issue
- Testimonial of the
Day: Two Years
Clean!
- Nachas Ruach
Treatment Model:
Excerpt 4 - Continuing the Second Step
- Daily Dose of Dov:
We Need to Make it
Real
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Category:
Testimonials
Two Years Clean!
By "Noorah Be'Amram"
With the greatest of humility, I thank the Almighty
for 2 years clean on April 8th.
The following is
partial list of what I attribute the success that I
had hitherto - may the Almighty continue protect me
amongst all His struggling children!
1 - Non-stop Prayer
that Hashem safeguard my eyes and my heart from any
sin!
2 - Belonging to this
holy website - no kidding -
nitfal losei
mitzvah
3 - Limiting general
computer use to work only, and even then, I'm
fanatical regarding a filter - with my wife holding
the password.
4 - I try to be
mezake the rabbim in my own sphere of
influence by promoting, talking and encouraging
others about inyanei Kedusha and the dangers
of the internet. Educating people about the
importance of having no nonsense filters and
accountability software.
5 - Learning
constantly the Laws of Shmiras Halashon since there
is a direct connection between the bris haLashon and
the bris Hame'or as mentioned many times on this
site and in the chizuk emails.
6 - Removing the
glasses when necessary and trying to be cognizant of
the concept of "Ikka Darka Achrina".
7 - Being extra vigilant with hilchos Yichud in
the office, with cleaning help, etc
I lift up my hands in
prayer to Hashem that He continue to carry me in
His Right Hand and protect each and every one of His
children on this holy site from all harm.
With tears in my eyes, I
thank this holy website for were it not for GYE and
the holy chevra on the forum I wouldn't be who I am,
where I am and what I am today...if I would "be" at
all.
Wishing all my
brother warriors a true z'man cheirus - freedom and
serenity!
Fiery Love to all,
Noorah,
The smallest from house of Amram
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The 'Nachas
Ruach' Treatment Model
Excerpt 4
Nachas Ruach: Torah-Based Psychotherapy and Tools
for Growth and Healing
The book can be purchased online via
this link
Torah Perspectives on the Twelve Steps
Continuation
of "The Second Step"
In the Nachas Ruach perspective, addiction is viewed
as a disease and is understood to be a specific
manifestation of the evil inclination (yetzer
hara), which constitutes a powerful ongoing
influence on human motivation and behavior. Not only
was it true for the Jews in Egypt, but the Rabbis
also stress that ultimately no person could overcome
the evil inclination without Divine assistance.
In the Talmud (Maseches Sukkah 52b) we learn
in the name of Rabbi Shimon ben Lakish: "A man's
evil inclination threatens every day to overpower
him and seeks to kill him...and if not for the Holy
One, Blessed is He, Who aids him, he would be unable
to withstand it."
In relation to the second step, which attempts to
"restore us to sanity" from the disease of
addiction, the Torah also recognizes that Hashem is
the source of all healing:
כל המחלה אשר שמתי במצרים לא אשים עליך כי אני ה'
רופאך,
"All of the diseases that I have placed in Egypt, I
will not place upon you, for I am Hashem, your
Healer" (Exodus 15:26).
It is an unquestioned axiom of the Twelve Steps that
the "inability to control our usage of drugs is a
symptom of the disease of addiction. We are
powerless not only over our drugs but over our
addiction as well."[1]
The clear treatment goal that flows from this
reality is that total long-term abstinence is the
only option, and this must be accomplished slowly,
"one day at a time." The program is aware of the
psychological reality that it is particularly
difficult to stay clean for the rest of one's life,
especially for addicts who have been under the
influence of their active disease, which seeks
immediate gratification. A natural response would be
to think: this goal is impossible, so why try? By
teaching the concept of coping through saying to
oneself "Just for today" and other tools, the addict
is given a way of effectively coping that enhances
his ability to stay clean and maintain long-term
recovery.
Every day in our prayers we say:
ברוך ה' יום יום יעמס לנו האל ישועתנו סלע,
"Blessed is God every single day, He burdens us, and
is the God of our salvation" (Psalms 68:20). A Jew
learns from this verse that Hashem gives him the
ability to overcome his struggles and serve Hashem
on a daily basis.
Practically, in the process of recovery, a person
has to first admit that he has a problem, which is
the goal of the first step. The goal of the second
step is realizing that one cannot deal with his
addiction alone and needs to be open to receiving
help and actively seek it out. While seeking help,
ultimately involves turning to God, it initially
begins with trying to get help from others in
recovery. The Torah also understands the need for
one to ask for help, when the Rabbis teach that "a
prisoner cannot free himself from prison."[2]
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Daily Dose of Dov
Dov is sober in SA for 14 years. See his story
here.
We Need to Make it Real
Dov discusses
the 12-Steps with someone in
his group
The thing all the 12-step-recovering addicts in the
world are making such a big deal about, is different
than all the steps we thought we had taken in the
past that "look like" the 12-Step program. It is
different because it is different!
All those times we have done the steps and ended up
exactly where we were before, we did it by
ourselves. It was out own brains that were
working it all out. A blind man leading himself. Now
that's really nuts, no? We hid the full truth about
ourselves - in order to get better...? Not going to
work. And when we did tell it to others, it wasn't
to other people who were real to
us. It was usually to someone we really had nothing
to do with in the rest of
our real lives. Who didn't know the face we were
projecting - so they wouldn't really be able to
really see what big fakers we were. Hey, it's
embarrassing! And if we did open
up to someone who knew the 'normal' version of us,
then it was usually a person who had no
clue about
addiction, lust struggles, insanity, whatever.
My version of
recovery - what I needed
- was (and is) to get together with other men who
think, tell, live, and know the exact same lies I do,
want the exact same things that I want,
who see me with my stupid, trance-like, salivating
expression that I get while I stare at the computer
searching in true desperation for that perfect,
sweet, image that I need -
cuz they know it themselves. I get together with men
like that, who are crawling out from under their own
wreckage with no pride at all, and let them hug me.
Goyim, Jews, whatever. I get to know these men and
get together with them weekly and share myself, make
relationships with them, and we get to know each
other. We get better together, while we watch many
of our numbers fall to the wayside. Nu. Better them
than us....
So where I come from,
the 1st step is done in our hearts, of course, but
in order to have a better chance to actually believe
it, we write out as much as we can remember of what
we have done that got us into some trouble as a
result of lust compulsion and desire throughout our
lives. Then we review it with a sponsor and then we
share the entire thing with a group of other addicts
- the guys who really understand us. They may still
be sick, but they are in recovery and understand us,
and that's priceless. On the other hand, advice to a
struggling lust addict that is not based on personal
pain and success, but based on a mussar sefer or a
shmooze is often dramatic and beautiful but totally
useless, it seems to me. We need to do the work ourselves if
it is to be real enough to actually work.
I have never yet met a single person who actually
got sober from 'inspiration'.
Second step - real
writing and real work - not just thinking in
generalities. Same for each of the other steps. We
get mushy and generalize the ideas, watering them
down into the same useless mush we have always
watered Torah ideas down to - and that's why they do
not lead to change. That's gotta stop. Writing it
for ourselves - not to impress anyone else - and
sharing with others, is the only way I know to make
it real.
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1005. |
Thursday ~ 10
Nissan, 5771 ~ April 14, 2011
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In Today's Issue
- Parshas Acharei Mos:
The Ohr Hachayim
Hakadosh
- Link of the Day:
Divine
Intervention
- Testimonial of the
Day: Two Years
Clean!
- Nachas Ruach
Treatment Model:
Excerpt 5 - The Third Step
- Daily Dose of Dov:
There's Only One
Day of Recovery
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Category: Torah > Parsha > Acharei Mos
The Ohr
Hachayim on Acharei Mos
This week's parsha discusses the inyanim of "arayos".
The Ohr HaChayim on the parsha writes the secret to
recovery for those who have stumbled in these areas.
Click here to see the Ohr Hachayim in Hebrew.
Click here to download a PDF of translation and
explanation.
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Category:
Testimonials
Two Years On GYE!
By "Bardichev"
DEAR YIDDEN,
TONIGHT I AM
CELEBRATING MY TWO YEAR MARK OF BEING A MEMBER OF
THIS HOLY CHABURAH
I NEED TO THANK
HASHEM
KI HITZALTAH
NAFSHI MISHEOL TACHTIYAH.
THANK YOU HASHEM.
MAY THE WEBSITE AND
FORUM CONTINUE TO GROW AND MAY WE REACH THE DAY THAT
ALL OF KLAL YISROEL BE SHOWERED BY THE TAHARA OF
HASHEM.
MY SUCCESS ON THIS
FORUM B"H WAS
- AND IS - THE FRIENDSHIP. THE UNITY. THE
ECLECTIC BAND OF BROTHERS.
I HAVE MET HERE
SFARDIM, GALITZYANNERS, LITVAKS, YEKKES, CHASSIDIM.
I HAVE MET YIDDIN FROM EVERY CONTINENT BESIDES
ANTARCTICA.
I FEEL I NEED TO
PERSONALLY THANK MANY OF YOU,
BUT FIRST I NEED TO THANK GYE.
THIS WEBSITE POINT BLANK SAVED MY LIFE AND MY
SANITY.
I HAVE NOTHING MORE
TO SAY. THANK YOU.
I would take this
opportunity to wish you all:
Be be'simcha!
Simcha is the secret!
Keep on trucking. No
matter what.
If you slipped or
fell, say "FELL, SHMELL" and move on!
And remember: You are
not Hashem's tznius police. If you see someone
triggering remember: She may be a problem,
but she is not YOUR problem.
And if I can add one
more piece of advice:
Make your spouse your
Accountability
Partner with reporting software like
www.webchaver.org.
Humble and happy
Bardichev
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The 'Nachas
Ruach' Treatment Model
Excerpt 5
Nachas Ruach: Torah-Based Psychotherapy and Tools
for Growth and Healing
The book can be purchased online via
this link
Torah Perspectives on the Twelve Steps
"The Third
Step" (Part 1/3)
"We made a decision to turn our will and our lives
over to the care of God as we understand Him."[1]
While the second step talks about coming to believe,
the third step requires the addict to make a
commitment to "surrender or turn his life over to
God as we understand Him." In the prevailing secular
outlook of modern Western society, this is a very
significant decision. Every day an observant Jew
makes this commitment when he closes his eyes and
says, with the intention to accept Hashem's
sovereignty:
שמע ישראל ה' אלוקינו ה' אחד
- "Hear, O Israel: Hashem is Our God, Hashem the One
and Only" (Deuteronomy 6:4).
For many Orthodox Jewish addicts, the initial
motivation to deal with their addiction was
experienced as a conflict with their commitment to
halachah and a Torah lifestyle. This is true for
"classical addictions" such as substance abuse and
gambling, as well as with more "contemporary
addictions" such as various forms of Internet
addiction, including pornography and online
chatting.
The Torah describes the nazir, who has made a
commitment to abstain from wine after he becoming
aware that he was at risk for abusing alcohol:
איש או אשה כי יפליא לנדר נדר נזיר להזיר לה',
"A man or woman who shall separate himself or
herself by taking a Nazirite vow of abstinence,
for the sake of Hashem" (Numbers 6:2). Rashi
comments on the words "for the sake of Hashem," that
the nazir is motivated to separate himself
from wine for the sake of Heaven.
A Torah source for "turning over our will and our
lives" to the care of God is:
גול על ה' דרכך ובטח עליו והוא יעשה,
"Turn your way over to Hashem, rely on Him
and He will act"(Psalms37:5). On the beginning of
this verse, Rabbi Shimshon Raphael Hirsch comments
that the word gol ((גול
actually means to remove a burden that is too heavy
to carry. One must not refrain from a good endeavor
because it seems to be beyond his meager strength.
We have an omnipotent helper in God. We must do our
utmost and then we can rely upon God to do the
rest."[2]
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Daily Dose of Dov
Dov is sober in SA for 14 years. See his story
here.
There's Only One Day Of Recovery
"It starts with one... and it ends with one."
Meaning: There really is only one day
of recovery - ever. And that's 'today'. This is, I
believe, why Teshuvah is one of the things sometimes
code-named "Atah" - Today. (V'ata
Yisrael, Ma hashem Elokecha Sho'el Me'Imach).
It's not that it is to be done now,
but that it IS only now.
There's no way to do anything for tomorrow,
or for yesterday. I can't go to the bathroom extra
today so that I will not need to go tomorrow, can I?
Same with recovery. There is nothing I can do to
"prepare to be sober/clean/whatever tomorrow.
Nothing. The only thing I will ever be able to do is
be sober/clean today. So to me, the counting
and 'adding up' is really silly. It can give a false
impression that there is some sort of buildup,
like we are going to a 'destination' of recovery.
Not so for me. I like what Rebbe Nachman said, "yehudi
hu tamid baderech - ein hu yachol lavo l'shum
tachlit - A Jew is always on the way - he can
never come to any destination". It's not about
attaining a milestone. 90 days, a year, ten
years... it's all arbitrary, really... The next day
will still be just
another day, no? Even my old goal of 'dying
sober' is arbitrary. To Hashem we don't 'die', at
all. It's a fake end. There is no end - that's why
suicide is such a stupid solution for problems....
We are always gonna be here, and somehow, we always were.
How can there be more than 'today',
for us?
Hashem has no
'milestones', does He? It's an endless journey in an
intimate relationship and adventure with none other
than our Eternal Best Friend.
One day at a time is
not a technique or a trick, as in 'just don't
act-out for one day, you can do it'. It's much more
than that. Like pretty much everything else in the
program, it has less to do with 'not acting out' and
more to do with an attitude for living life. The
only way for me to live is to take my focus off of
lusting or not lusting, and onto living. And I
completely depend on using the steps, to allow me to
do that.
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1006. |
Friday ~ 11 Nissan,
5771 ~ April 15, 2011
Erev Shabbos Hagadol - Acharei Mos
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In Today's Issue
- Shabbos Hagadol /
Pesach: Why were
we worthy?
- Member's Chizuk:
One Liners from
Yosef C.
- Parshas Acharei Mos:
The Ohr Hachayim
Hakadosh
- Nachas Ruach
Treatment Model:
Excerpt 6 - The Third Step
- Daily Dose of Dov:
The Makka is the
Refuah
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Category: Torah >
Shabbos Hagadol, Pesach
Shabbos Hagadol: Why were we worthy?
Someone told me over a powerful vort today from the
Me'or Einayim that relates very much to the
situation that many of us are in, here on GYE.
Why is this Shabbos called Shabbos Hagadol? Explains
the Me'or Einayim that the Yidden were in a state of
"Katnus" before leaving Mitzrayim. They were at the
49th level of Tumah. And the Satan said to Hashem,
"why are you doing miracles for them, the Jewish
people are idol worshipers just like the
Egyptians!". But Hashem didn't listen to the Satan
and took us out from "Katnus" to "Gadlus",
as the Pasuk says "Va'tigdili Vatirdi..." And that's
why it's called Shabbos Hagadol.
So the Me'or Einayim asks, but why indeed didn't
Hashem listen to the Satan? After all, we were at
the lowest level and entrenched in idol worship just
like the Egyptians? So he answers that in the merit
that the Yidden made a seder night before they left
and they beleived that they would leave Mitzrayim,
this merit was enough to uplift them to the state of
"Gadlus" and merit all those miracles.
And the Me'or Einayim goes on to explain that this
is what differentiates the "nekudah" between Jew and
non-Jew. Even when a Jew is on the same level as the
non-Jew and is entrenched in the lowest sins, he
still wants and beleives that he will leave
Mitzrayim some day. He wants
to leave. He believes that
Hashem can and will take him out.
This is such an important lesson for us. No matter
how low we may have fallen, if we want
to leave and believe we
WILL leave "Mitzrayim", then Hashem will do miracles
for us no matter where we stand!
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Category: Parsha, Member's Chizuk
Yosef C. in SA sent me something he heard on the
words:
"Acharei Mos, Kedoshim"
"Any yid can reach to a point where any 'not
good' is acharey, behind him. Then his avoda can be
in the realm of kedoshim"
Other one-liners that Yosef C. sent me:
-
It's a high anxiety time of year... I'm a gonner
without Hashem"s help, and I'm beyond grateful
that He's %100 accessible. "G-d please help me
stay connected to you, in all matters".
-
A friend has a sign on his desk.. "Be realistic;
Expect miracles!"
-
The Rebbe said, "in this generation, not only
can we rely (somech) on miracles, we must(!)
rely on them, with the same effort we rely
(somech) our hands on a korban"... Endlessly
inspiring words.
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Category: Torah > Parsha > Acharei Mos
The Ohr
Hachayim on Acharei Mos
This week's parsha discusses the inyanim of
"arayos". The Ohr HaChayim on the parsha writes the
secret to recovery for those who have stumbled in
these areas.
Click here to see the Ohr Hachayim in Hebrew.
Click here to download a PDF of translation and
explanation.
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The 'Nachas
Ruach' Treatment Model
Excerpt 6
Nachas Ruach: Torah-Based Psychotherapy and Tools
for Growth and Healing
The book can be purchased online via
this link
Torah Perspectives on the Twelve Steps
"The Third
Step" (Part 2/3)
In practical terms, the Twelve Step program involves
applying this commitment to the struggles of daily
living and encourages one in recovery to act in a
way that is basically opposite to his former
coping style and mode of addictive thinking. This
means that if his sponsor, who represents the
program, advises him to do "B" when the addict
stubbornly and with false confidence wants to do
"A," the addict will still "turn over" his
understanding and do what the sponsor recommends and
not what he originally wanted to do.
In the Torah we see this principle clearly in the
Mishnah taught in Pirkei Avos 2:4:
עשה רצונו כרצונך ... בטל רצונך מפני רצונ,
"Do His will as if it were your own will...Nullify
your will before His will."
In stressing that the addict should live a life that
is more "God centered" and less "self-centered," the
program strongly advances the concept to "let
go...and let God in." This is in contrast to the
overemphasis that modern Western culture places on
being in control and expecting reality to be exactly
what you want it to be all the time. Contemporary
man is also conditioned through the media, for
example, to believe that it is terrible not to feel
"the way you would like to." He is encouraged to try
to change his mood by taking a mood altering
substance or having some type of experience that can
become addictive that will also lead to changing
one's inner state. From this kind of social
conditioning, it is not surprising that so many
people start to drink or smoke or become involved in
Internet addictions.
The innovation of the Twelve Steps was to stress the
importance of learning to accept reality as it is,
and from this place "not to pick up." The
program teaches this from a spiritual perspective.
It stresses belief in a Higher Power, and beyond
this, a view that recognizes that the Higher Power
is actively involved in one's life. In practical
terms for the addict,this means to "let go" of what
he expects and thinks he needs and to learn to
accept that whatever happens to him is a reflection
of God's will at that moment.
In this context, the "serenity prayer" utilized in
group meetings is balanced, where one asks for "the
serenity to accept the things I cannot change; the
courage to change the things I can; and the wisdom
to know the difference."[1]
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Daily Dose of Dov
Dov is sober in SA for 14 years. See his story
here.
The Makka is the Refuah
Someone asked on the forum:
I was wondering about why we have these periods
of cleanliness, and then BAM fall into extreme
desire? Further, they seem to follow patterns; 30
days seems to be a rough point, as an example. These
periods of really bad desire can last an hour, a day
or a week. Is there a physiological cause for the
patterns and swings?
Dov Responds:
I think you are describing in the most simple and
basic way, what every drunk out there knows as
'tolerance' and 'withdrawal'. Nothing more, in my
opinion.
But here's the thing. I believe that addiction is in
my very body - it is not just something I do,
but that it is something I am -
I carry it with me wherever I go; that it is one of
the most essential if not the most
essential ingredient of my life in this world - for
better of for worse; and that this nature I have is
Hashem's own special way of finally getting me to
really need Him.
I feel I must mention
here that if recovery would be a mission to get back
to where
we would be if only I had never been addict,
then I say the entire recovery is hogwash. And I
believe such an attitude apikorsus. It is setting
Hashem out of the bounds of my actual life. It is
the G-d of a book, not of a person.
I believe that He
planned the refuah before the
makkah - which means, if you think about it for a
second, that there is really no such thing as a 'makkah',
at all. It's all Him
and His Will for me. And through the steps I live
with Him right now, as soon as I wake up and start
speaking to Him intimately (in English - my
language, of course). I reach Hashem and stick close
with Him (my Eternal Best Friend) by
way of my
failures and addiction. That appears to be my chelek.
And it's nice.
And I owe it all to
the fact that I couldn't stop acting-out and using
shmutz for all those years - while I was a 'frum'
adult raising a family at the same time, of course (haha)
- until I finally, really, needed Him and only Him.
All my trying, fighting, and teshuvah was powerless
to help me. I needed Him to help it all work, for a
change. And I had to go slow - and stay slow.
Hatzlocha!
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1007. |
Sunday ~ 13 Nissan,
5771 ~ April 17, 2011
Erev Bedikas Chametz
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In Today's Issue
- Thank You:
To An Anonymous
Donor
- Happy Announcement:
'Daily Wind Down'
Phone Conference starting Chol Hamoed
- Pesach:
The Real Bedika &
Biur Chametz
- Nachas Ruach
Treatment Model:
Excerpt 7 - The Third Step
- Daily Dose of Dov:
Breathing Air is
Not "Al Pi Torah"
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Thank You!
We would like to thank an anonymous donor
who sent in a very generous donation (through the
Jewish Communal Fund) on the day we reached our
thousandth Chizuk e-mail.
On behalf of the Guard Your Eyes
organization, the beneficiaries of our services and
their families, we thank you for your donation and
for your support, which will
help us proceed with our web development and
expansion plan.
Tizke Lemitzvos!
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Happy Announcement
'Daily Wind Down' Phone Group Starting
Get focused on Hashem at the end of a hectic
day!
Chol ha'moed, with the lack of schedule and lots of
hefker time, can be dangerous for addicts.
Yosef C. who is sober for close to 7 years in SA,
will be starting a phone conference for reading,
sharing and connecting. The first call will begin
be"H this Chol Hamoed, Thursday night, April 21 at
10 PM (for 45 min to 1 hour). There will be second
call on Chol Hamoed as well, this Motzai Shabbos,
April 23 at the same time.
The call will continue after Yom Tov IY"H, four
times a week at 10 PM.
-
Motzai Shabbos
-
Sunday nights
-
Tuesday nights
-
Thursday nights
There will be selected readings (and sharing)
from:
-
The chapters in Tanya that deal
with the super internal war/struggle that us
yidden go through every day. (Download the Tanya
or read it online
here)
-
The 12 Steps and 12 traditions
(download
here)
-
The SA White Book (download
here)
The call in number and PIN is the same as
Elya's weekly phone conference.
Dial-In Number is: 1-712-429-0690
Participant PIN: 225356
Even if you miss the beginning, you can join
anytime!
To contact Yosef C. write to:
serenitysmile@guardyoureyes.org
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Tonight is BEDIKAS CHAMETZ
And Tomorrow is BIYUR CHAMETZ!
We all know on GYE what the REAL CHAMETZ is!
Let's make sure we get rid of it!
If you can throw out your computers, laptops,
iPhones, Blackberries, etc... then by all means,
NOW IS THE TIME! And if you can't
because you need it for Parnassa, then make sure you
have strong filters installed + Reporting software.
We can help you. Send an e-mail to
filter.gye@gmail.com for any filter questions,
or if you need someone to hold the password for you.
Send an e-mail to
deletebrowser@gmail.com to get a program to
delete the browser on your Blackberry (e-mail
continues to function normally).
May we all be zoche to get rid of the real
Chametz = Yetzer Hara from inside of us, and to
experience TRUE FREEDOM this coming Pesach.
Amen!
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The 'Nachas
Ruach' Treatment Model
Excerpt 7
Nachas Ruach: Torah-Based Psychotherapy and Tools
for Growth and Healing
The book can be purchased online via
this link
Torah Perspectives on the Twelve Steps
"The Third
Step" (Part 3/3)
The concept of Divine providence (hashgachah
pratis), which is implied in the phrase "let
go... and let God in," is a fundamental belief of
the Torah perspective, as emphasized in the first of
Rambam's Thirteen Principles of Faith: "I believe
with complete faith that the Creator, Blessed is His
Name, creates and guides all creatures, and that He
alone made, makes, and will make everything."[1]
Having faith (emunah) and trust (bitachon)
in God also teaches a Jew to accept life and not
expect to be in control all the time. For example,
David HaMelech wrote in Psalms (16:8):
שויתי ה' לנגדי תמיד,
"I have placed Hashem before me always." According
to the Baal Shem Tov, the verb shiviti ("I
have placed") is an expression of equanimity. With
this interpretation, the Baal Shem Tov taught that
ultimately a person should strive to react to
whatever happens to him with equanimity. A Jew
accepts that what happens to him is an expression of
Hashem's will.[2]
Obviously, this is a difficult spiritual level to
attain. Recovering addicts "really working the
program" are able to internalize and apply this
spiritual principle.
Another Torah source for "letting go" is the verse:
תמים תהיה עם ה' אלוקיך,
"You shall be wholehearted with Hashem, your God"
(Deuteronomy 18:13). On this Rashi says: "Have pure
faith in Hashem and do not try to search out the
future; rather accept what happens and then
you will be His."
An important difference between the Torah
perspective and that of the Twelve Steps is that
Torah belief and faith is not based on each
individual coming up with his own understanding of
God. This part of the Twelve Step programis
compatible with the great emphasis placed in modern
Western culture on each individual determining what
is right and wrong for him and not accepting outside
authority. From a Torah perspective, however, this
part of the program leaves open the possibility and
concern that a recovering addict could worship the
Higher Power in a manner that would not be
acceptable to Judaism. For example, theoretically a
person could understand the Higher Power in a way
that would be considered avodah zarah (idol
worship) by the Torah.
On the other hand, the Torah recognizes and values
that each individual can have his own unique
experience of understanding Hashem. For example, the
first verse of the Ten Commandments - "I am the
Lord, your God" - is understood by the Rabbis
to mean that Hashem spoke to each individual on his
own level, because the phrase "your God" is written
in the singular rather than in the plural tense.
Also, at the crossing of the Red Sea, each
individual had his own perception of God, as we see
in the song at the crossing of the Red Sea: זה
קלי ואנוהו,
"This is my God and I will glorify Him"
(Exodus 15:2).
Based on my professional experience, I have seen
that some Jewish addicts, often those who were not
religious before going into the Twelve Step program,
are subtly blocked by the program's stress on faith
alone, believing that this is enough and it's not
necessary for them to observe mitzvos. Others,
usually FFBs, ultimately become more observant
through the working the program; ironically, the
Twelve Step program brings them closer to Torah
observance. In Torah, the challenge is for each
individual to develop a personal relationship with
Hashem within the framework of halachah.
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Daily Dose of Dov
Dov is sober in SA for 14 years. See his story
here.
Breathing Air Is Not "Al Pi Torah"
Someone complained to Dov that he can't stop
acting out, but he doesn't want to try the 12-Steps
because he felt that admitting "powerlessness" is
not the "Torah approach". After futile and
frustrating discussions back and forth, Dov
responded as follows:
The 12 steps IS THE TORAH APPROACH. What you are
doing IS NOT THE TORAH APPROACH because it is making
you act out! No one looks at shmutz and is mz"l and
just whines about it like a little girl for years
"al pi Toirah". That is idiotic.
For the past 15-20 years you admit you have been
practicing making up all kinds of silly excuses for
why you cannot 'make it'. And you are
doing al pi Toirah?
As far as I can see
it, the steps are principles of Derech Eretz. Simple
honesty - how can they be 'against' Torah? Nobody in
the steps is trying to convince you
of anything!
If you
believe you have the ability to stop, then you do
not consider yourself powerless. Period. So you
cannot do even the first step, because as yet, you
do not need it! Period. So? What is wrong with that?
You think I will say to you "you are fooling
yourself and you really are an
addict and cannot stop"? Chas veSholom!
Nobody really sober
in AA/SA will try to convince you that you are sick!
How can they? It's only and forever up to you, or
it won't work.
And there is no "mitzvah" to "believe" that you are
powerless, even in AA/SA! If you consider
that the truth, then fine, if not, fine!
So all the
anti-step-arguing 'al pi Torah' is nonsense,
as far as I am concerned. For a real addict, it has
no more to do with Torah than does arguing about the
air - if you want to breathe it, then fine. If not,
have a nice (short) day. And for a non-addict, what
is there to argue about in the first place?
So please stop
calling yourself or anything you believe in about
this problem "al pi Torah", OK? It's not. Not the
steps and not whatever you are doing about it (which
is just whining).
Water and air is not
"al pi Torah", and neither is recovery, for an
addict. So save your breath.
And you said before
that you do not even know what the steps are, so why
don't you just be quite and read about them. Then I
suggest you judge if your derech
of lying to your wife and tricking everyone who
'knows you', watching your precious little shmutz in
secret, unzipping your pants when you like, and
being mz"l... is more "al
pi Torah" than the steps are.
Then get back to me.
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1008. |
Monday ~ 14 Nissan,
5771 ~ April 18, 2011
Erev Pesach
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In Today's Issue
- Announcement:
Phone Group
starting Chol Hamoed
- Pesach:
Kadesh,
Urchatz: It's Backwards on Seder Night
- Pesach:
And NOW He Brought
Us Close
- Nachas Ruach
Treatment Model:
Excerpt 8 - The Fourth Step
- Daily Dose of Dov:
Turning the Ship
Around
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Announcement
Phone Group Starting Chol Hamo'ed
Chol ha'moed, with the lack of schedule and lots of
hefker time, can be dangerous for addicts.
Yosef C. who is sober for close to 7 years in SA,
will be starting a phone conference for reading,
sharing and connecting. The first call will begin
be"H this Chol Hamoed, Thursday night, April 21 at
10 PM (for 45 min to 1 hour). There will be second
call on Chol Hamoed as well, this Motzai Shabbos,
April 23 at the same time.
Dial-In Number is: 1-712-429-0690
Participant PIN: 225356
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Category: Pesach
Kadesh, Urchatz: It's Backwards on Seder
Night
By "Steve"
OK, here's a Pesach Vort that has me on a high, said
over by a fellow Chaver on Duvid chaim's call from
Rabbi Reisman, but I'm embellishing the idea
somewhat:
How do you grow to
believe in yourself that you can make it? How do you
know Hashem loves You?
On Seder night, the
order of the seder begins Kadesh, Urchatz.
Kadesh, which is accepting/bringing in Kedusha,
comes before Urchatz, the washing off the shmutz.
But isn't it supposed to be the other way around?
The whole year it's usually "Sur MeiRah", then "Asei
tov". That's why Asseres Yimei teshuva comes BEFORE
Yom Kippur. Don't we always have to wash off the
shmutz before we can be Kadosh?
On both Yom Kippur
and Leil Shimurim we wear a kittle. The white
symbolizes a new beginning, a clean slate. On Yom
Kippur we get there from the hard work of previous
teshuva. But on PESACH NIGHT, there is a special
koach of LOVE from Hashem, and we get there FIRST,
and the "teshuva" comes after. That's the special
lesson of Leil Pesach, which is why there is a VAV
between those two simanim, and not between any
others - Kadesh Urchatz!!
When Hashem took us out of Mitzrayim the night of
Pesach, WE WERE STILL ON THE 49TH LEVEL OF TUMAH. We
didn't start improving until we got out, climbing
each day until Matan Torah! AND YET HE STILL TOOK US
OUT!! WE WERE STILL IN THE SHMUTZ, STUCK IN THE
MUCK, and that DIDN'T STOP Hashem from loving us and
taking us out!
Pesach is a VERY
special time, when ALL Hashem wants and expects from
us is that we RECOGNIZE that HE is the ONLY Master,
and that we ONLY WANT to be HIS EVED. How do we do
that? We'll learn HOW later, but for NOW we're
declaring our ALLEGIANCE and our willingness to
follow Him blindly out of Mitzrayim and into the
desert.
We don't know WHERE
we're going, we don't know HOW we're gonna get
there, we don't know WHAT we'll eat along the way,
all we know is to TRUST in HASHEM and want to follow
Him. He LOVES US, despite the shmutz! He DESIRES
US!! And I'm gonna LOVE HIM right back!!
This is a special
message to us addicts - it DOESN'T MATTER that we're
stuck now in the muck! On Pesach we can START A NEW
SLATE by recognizing that HASHEM is the one in
control of our lives, and we can determine to give
up the fallacy that WE are in control. LET HIM CARRY
OUR BURDEN. Let's move forward OUT of our personal
Mitzrayim, and DON'T LOOK BACK!!
Chag Kasher
V'Somayach! May we all FEEL the Kedusha, and always
remember how MUCH Hashem Loves us!!
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Category: Pesach
And NOW He Brought Us Close
By "Yosef hatzadik"
Mitchilah
ovdei avodah zara hayu avoseinu v'achshav karvanu
Hamokom la'avodaso. (Hagada
Shel Pesach)
Mitchilah ovdei avodah zara hayu avoseinu &
what changed. Why/how are we different??
V'achshav
karvanu Hamokom la'avodaso. Hashem
brought us close to Him. It is NOT to our credit.
Any Kirvas
Elokim that
we have is ENTIRELY because Hashem draws us close
Him. HE allows
us to serve Him!
When did this
'drawing close' take place?
V'achshav karvanu
Hamokom la'avodaso. -
NOW! At this present moment!
Each & every moment
that we are close to Hashem is a gift from Him! Each
& every moment can be a NEW START.
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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The 'Nachas
Ruach' Treatment Model
Excerpt 8
Nachas Ruach: Torah-Based Psychotherapy and Tools
for Growth and Healing
The book can be purchased online via
this link
Torah Perspectives on the Twelve Steps
"The Fourth
Step"
"We made a searching
and fearless moral inventory of ourselves."[1]
This step requires
the recovering addict to try to honestly understand
the pscho-social-spiritual sources of his addiction.
This step clearly overlaps with the Torah's concept
of "self-evaluation"or cheshbon hanefesh.
This means that people need to try to understand
themselves and their behavior on a deeper level and
have accurate self-awareness of both their strengths
and their limitations. This goal is stressed in the
Ethics of the Fathers (Pirkei Avos) in
theMishnah.
In this area there
is much Torah literature, including such classics as
Ramchal's Mesillas Yesharim, which explains
how increased self-awareness means working on
underlying "character defects" and not only enhanced
psychological self-knowledge.
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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Daily Dose of Dov
Dov is sober in SA for 14 years. See his story
here.
Turning the Ship Around
The 3rd step is about
switching to a new attitude that is something like
this: "since G-d is... well, G-d,
then He must know better than me. He can give me
anything. And He could not possibly have anything
against me, for He needs nothing - He doesn't even
need me to listen to
Him. He's G-d, period. It must be
that exactly what He is giving me is the very best
thing for me, right now.
It must be that I am the
dumb one and He is the smart one in this 'equation'.
Certainly I have made a shocking mess of things, so
far. He has given me plenty of brochos - I ruined
many of them. He gave me potential - I use much of
it for selfish, self-destructive ends. He gave me
relationships - I built a wall of lies with my
'double-life' and escapades and hidden shame.
And by all indications,
all will only continue to get worse and more
convoluted under my 'strong leadership'.
I'm finished. The sound
of the 1st step is a quiet: "Uh-oh."
Putting my life and will
into His care is not focused
on whether I agree to keep His mitzvos or not, but
on whether I agree to start to really trust Him to
take the best care of me possible. Or at least do a
better job than I can to look out for myself. That's
called 'enlightened self-interest" in the book,
"AA". It is not a religious thing, but a personal
decision that has to reflect my most honest
self-centered desire: I need to really believe that
it is what I want - not that I am 'being good'. And
this is not a bad thing, as the gemorah says: we
all intuit 'chayecha kodmin'. It's just a fact that
survival is an instinct - and should be.
In the steps, it is really what saves us.
So many of us waited for
a long and painful time for our righteousness to
finally come to the rescue. So many more of us are
out there, still waiting. Nu. The steps that I am
familiar with get their initial power from instinct
of survival, not from our (obviously failed)
righteousness. It's the ultimate 'isarusa d'lsata',
no? Think about it. It's the 3rd step - the step no
one does perfectly. That's why it reads, "Made a decision to
turn our will and our lives over to the care of a
Power Greater than ourselves." It is a start,
and it grows over a lifetime. But at least the ship
is turned around!
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1009. |
Thursday ~ 17
Nissan, 5771 ~ April 21, 2011
Chol Hamo'ed Pesach
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|
In Today's Issue
- Announcement:
Phone Group
starting Tonight
- Pesach:
Z'man
Cheiruseinu: An Independence Day Celebration?
- Nachas Ruach
Treatment Model:
Excerpt 9 - The Fifth Step
- Daily Dose of Dov:
I Refuse to be
Relegated to the Trash Heap
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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Announcement
Phone Group Starting Tonight
Yosef C. who is sober for close to 7 years in SA,
will be starting a phone conference for reading,
sharing and connecting. The first call will begin
be"H tonight, April 21 at 10 PM (for 45 min to 1
hour). There will be second call on Motzai Shabbos,
April 23 at the same time.
Dial-In Number is: 1-712-429-0690
Participant PIN: 225356
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Category: Pesach
Z'man Cheiruseinu:
An Independence Day Celebration?
By Rabbi
Dr. Abraham J. Twerski
I learned much from working with an addicted
population.
I know how you celebrate an Independence Day.
Parades, picnics, hot-dogs, patriotic speeches, and
fireworks-that's it. Whoever heard of an
Independence Day that lasts a week, and for which
you must prepare weeks in advance, cleaning the
house and sterilizing the kitchen as if it were an
operating room? That's a bit of an overkill for an
Independence Day, isn't it?
Oh, well. Jews like to do things differently. But
then, every Friday night we say in Kiddush that
Shabbat is in commemoration of our deliverance from
Egypt. We don't invoke July 4 every week!
But we're not finished yet. Tefillin and tzitzis are
in commemoration of our deliverance from Egypt. Now
it's a daily thing! In fact, many other mitzvos are
in commemoration of our deliverance from Egypt. We
must concede that as an Independence Day
celebration, this is a bit much.
I came to the realization of what zman
cheiruseinu is
all about when a young man who was recovering from
years of heavy drug addiction attended his father's seder.
When his father began reciting the Haggadah, "Avadim
hayinu," we were slaves to Pharaoh, the son
interrupted him. "Abba," he said, "can you
truthfully say that you yourself was a slave? I can
tell you what it means to be a slave. All those
years that I was on drugs, I was enslaved by drugs.
I had no freedom. I did things that I never thought
I was capable of doing, but I had no choice. The
drugs demanded it, and I had to do it. Today I am a
free person."
When the young man related this to me, Passover
suddenly took on an entirely new meaning. Yes, we
can be slaves to a tyrannical ruler. But we can also
be slaves to drugs, to alcohol, to cigarettes, to
food, to lust or to gambling. Any time we lose
control of our behavior, we are slaves. If we are
not in control of our anger, we are slaves to anger.
People who cannot detach themselves from the office
are slaves to it. A person can be a slave to making
money or to pursuing acclaim. These are enslavements
that are no less ruthless than being slaves to
Pharaoh. We may surrender our precious freedom and
allow our drives and impulses to exercise a
tyrannical rule over us.
It is now clear what zman
cheiruseinu is
all about. It is much more than political
independence, and we can see why we are reminded of
this not only during the week of Passover, but every
Friday night and even multiple times during each
day. We are at all times at risk of surrendering our
precious independence and allowing ourselves to
become enslaved.
Make no mistake. A slave cannot exercise proper
judgment and has no free choice. A person who wants
to live and knows that cigarettes can kill him but
is unable to stop smoking is a slave, and this is
true of many behaviors which we may not consider
addictions. Our thinking becomes distorted, as I
explained in Addictive
Thinking, and we rationalize our
self-destructive behavior.
The young man's comment to his father's reading of
the Haggadah stimulate me to write a commentary, the
Haggadah From
Bondage to Freedom, in which I pointed out that
far from bring a narrative of an historical event,
the Haggadah is a text of identifying our addictive
behaviors and a guideline on how to break loose from
these enslavements and be free people.
Animals are not free. They can not make a choice
between right and wrong. They must do what their
body desires. The uniqueness of man is that we are
free to choose how to act. "Give me liberty or give
me death" is more than a patriotic declaration. To
the degree that we lose our freedom to choose, to
that degree an element of our humanity dies.
The teaching of Passover is to cherish freedom and
not to submit to tyranny, even to the tyranny within
ourselves.
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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The 'Nachas
Ruach' Treatment Model
Excerpt 9
Nachas Ruach: Torah-Based Psychotherapy and Tools
for Growth and Healing
The book can be purchased online via
this link
Torah Perspectives on the Twelve Steps
"The
Fifth Step"
"We admitted to God,
to ourselves, and to another human being the exact
nature of our wrongs."[1]
The Rambam writes in
Hilchos Teshuvah 2:5 that it is recommended
to tell other people about one's shortcomings
regarding mitzvos between man and his fellowman, but
not those that concern the relationship between man
and God. Here the Torah perspective can be seen to
differ in some way from the Twelve Steps.
There is also an
important Chassidic source in the introduction to
Sefer Noam Elimelech, where a Jew is encouraged
to "find a friend with whom he can speak openly and
share his inner world completely, including thoughts
and wishes that are considered forbidden."
Certain schools in
the mussar movement also utilized the
technique of an individual member sharing within the
context of a group his inner process and struggles.
"Rav Israel Salant advocated setting up 'mussar'
houses. Some would come there individually. Others
might come in groups at set times, and altogether
vent their feelings and thoughts with intense
fervor. Sometimes a member of a group would deliver
an emotionally stimulating discourse and they would
encourage one another."[2]
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Daily Dose of Dov
Dov is sober in SA for 14 years. See his story
here.
I Refuse to be Relegated to the Trash Heap
So, what is your plan, actually? Do you have any
actual action-tools (things to do) that you didn't
have for the past few years? If so, great. When they
work, iy"H, share them with us. But if you are
essentially trying basically the same thing and
expecting a totally different result, then that's an
entirely different matter.
I think we can agree
that we are not talking about a mere habit here. We
are talking about using a things like lust, shmutz,
hz"l, and fantasy. These things engage a chunk of
our brains that is (temporarily) wonderfully
invigorating, and are powerful enough to create
actual bodily sensations that cannot be wished away.
For many guys, these things convince them that they
are real men, and the center of the universe, at
least for a little while. Hey...being a king for a
few minutes is nice, no? So we get slapped around
pretty good afterward...that inevitability rarely
stopped any of us before, right?
What's more, being an
addict who has been around that bush a few times
myself, I believe that the innocent, well-meaning
fellow who goes hunting for sobriety with the same
stick-with-a-nail-in-it that he had before actually wants to
get exactly what he got before: failure. After all,
it is really hard for us to say goodbye to our
friend, schmutz. And if anyone says "Ach! No, it's
horrible!" then I ask him, "then why has it become
so habitual for
us?" Because it's evil? Who likes evil?
No one I know.
Oh, the YH made
us do it? Well...I think that's a different
religion, personally. I prefer yiddishkeit,
myself - the religion that says we bear personal
responsibility for our choices and yet can be
completely forgiven by Hashem as long as we give
the self-destructive behavior up.
And I believe that if a man or woman is an addict,
they really have lost the ability to fight this and
are doomed to descend forever lower - until it hurts
so much that they cry out to the only Power that is
left: Hashem - the very One they were always running
away from! The only 'Ace in the hole'. All the
sincere plans, takanos, kabalos, chizuk groups, and
white-knuckling eventually just run out. Charotoh is
certainly very nice and may be a mitzvah of some
sort, but is still
basically useless for
people like me.
I never stopped
because of moral regret. I stopped because of having
to make a choice between losing everything valuable
in my life or hanging on to that open-ended expense
account I discovered I had access to: Lust. It
served its purpose for a while, then it turned on me
and I still wanted it (and sometimes still do) but
fully accept that I
can't afford it.
I did it for
me,
not for Hashem, not for my family, not for Klal
Yisroel, nor for my Olam haba. I did it for me right
here and now, when the cost just became too much. So
I have no interest in any s'char for it - not from
Hashem, nor from you or anybody else who might
admire me for staying sober....I am sober for
selfish reasons. It's enlightened self-interest,
that's all. I refuse to be relegated to the trash
heap. I refuse to roll over and be road-kill - but I
truly cannot stop!! I need a miracle to
avoid the very first drink -
the only one that really gets me in trouble.
So... it all depends
on what you want and
what you don't want.
There are tools for
those who have discovered that they don't have what
it takes to win. Like me. And that is where the
recovery I know of
begins.
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1010. |
Friday ~ 18 Nissan,
5771 ~ April 22, 2011
Chol Hamo'ed Pesach
|
|
In Today's Issue
- Announcement:
Phone Group Motzai
Shabbos
- Pesach:
Rushing out of
Mitzrayim
- Nachas Ruach
Treatment Model:
Excerpt 10 - The Sixth & Seventh Steps
- Daily Dose of Dov:
The Day AFTER the
Seder Night
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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Announcement
Don't Forget: Phone Group Motzai Shabbos
Yosef C. in SA will be moderating his second phone
group for reading, sharing and connecting this
Motzai Shabbos, April 23 at 10 PM.
Dial-In Number is: 1-712-429-0690
Participant PIN: 225356
After Pesach, Yosef's call will continue four times
a week: Motzai Shabbos, Sunday, Tuesday, and
Thursday at 10 PM.
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Category: Pesach
Rushing Out of Mitzrayim
By Rabbi
Moss
To
subscribe to Rabbi Moss's weekly emails:
rabbimoss@nefesh.com.au
Question of the Week:
What is the connection between eating matzah and
escaping from Egypt? I know that the Jews left Egypt
in such a rush, the dough didn't have time enough to
rise. The men would have been saying to their wives,
"Honey we gotta go in 10 minutes, just grab some
food and let's go!!"
So they happened to eat matzah - who cares? It
doesn't seem at all significant. Why is matzah
elevated to be main focus of the whole Pesach
experience? I think Pesach is about freedom, not
food!
Answer:
Think about it. The Israelites had to rush out of
Egypt so fast, they didn't have time for their bread
to rise. Why? Does that make sense? What was the
rush exactly? The Egyptians had just been blasted
with ten plagues as divine punishment for holding
the Israelites captive, they were more than ready to
let them go. So why rush things? Couldn't they have
spent the few extra minutes it takes to let the
bread rise and make proper sandwiches for the trip?
The answer is: they weren't running from the
Egyptians, they were running from themselves. The
two centuries of slavery had taken their toll on the
Jewish people's spirit. They had forgotten their
illustrious past as children of Abraham, Isaac and
Jacob, pioneers of a path of ethics and higher
morals. The corruption and depravity of the Egyptian
society had slowly crept into the Israelite
mentality, and they assimilated many of its
paganistic ideals into their own. They were slaves
to Egypt, not just in body, but in mind as well.
It came to a point where their unique identity was
all but lost. Suddenly they realised that the legacy
of Abraham could be lost forever, and the message of
hope that the Israelites were to bring the world
would not be delivered, all because of them. Only
then did they cry out for help. On the brink of
point of no return, they called out to G-d.
Think of an alcoholic. For a while, the alcoholic
fools himself into thinking that things are in
control, he is just drinking socially, it relaxes
him, there's nothing wrong. Gradually, the habit
overtakes him, and one-by-one he loses everything he
has: his family, his job, his money, his dignity.
But it's only when he hits rock bottom, when he has
been stripped of everything, that it suddenly dawns
on him that he has a real problem.
Now he has to act fast. Once he has recognised the
problem, he has to deal with it immediately, before
that moment of clarity passes by and he slips back
into self-justification. He can't do it alone. He's
too drunk to help himself. He has to call for help.
Someone from the outside, someone sober, will have
to reach out to drag him out of his addiction. But
they can only help him if he is willing to go
cold-turkey, not to touch alcohol until he is cured.
He has to run away from the addict that he has been
until now. Otherwise he cannot begin to heal.
That's why Matzah is the crux of what the exodus is
all about. The children of Israel had to make a
hasty retreat from Egypt. Egypt and its lowliness
had a hold on them, as powerful as an addiction.
They had to first get out of Egypt in order to get
Egypt out of themselves. To delay would be deadly.
Once they had realised the problem, if they would
then have hesitated, it could have spelt the end for
them - they may have sunk to the point of no return.
Pesach is a de-tox retreat, where the spirit of
liberty calls upon us to free ourselves from our
personal Egypt. The Matzah reminds us that the first
step towards freedom is to go cold-turkey. No
hesitations; make a sudden and complete exodus from
the you that was, and march through the desert
towards the you that you can be.
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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The 'Nachas
Ruach' Treatment Model
Excerpt 10
Nachas Ruach: Torah-Based Psychotherapy and Tools
for Growth and Healing
The book can be purchased online via
this link
Torah Perspectives on the Twelve Steps
"The
Sixth & Seventh Steps"
"We
were entirely ready to have God remove all these
defects of character."
"We humbly asked
Him to remove our shortcomings."[1]
These steps
relate to the relationship between human effort
(hishtadlus) and Divine response. There
is a difference here between Torah and
non-Jewish perspectives, with the Torah placing
more emphasis on the value and possibility of an
individual being able to change himself through
his own efforts. However, ultimately the Torah
recognizes that for an addict to truly recover,
Divine assistance is necessary. This is stressed
in Psalms 51:12, which is considered a psalm for
repentance:
לב טהור ברא לי אלוקים ורוח נכון חדש בקרבי,
"Create a pure heart for me, O God, and a
steadfast spirit renew within me."
The addict is
asking Hashem to give him a new pure heart and
to renew his spirit, which has been negatively
affected through his active addiction. The verb
"bara" (ברא)
implies a new creation,
[2] whereas the verb "chadesh" (חדש)
implies a renewal.
We also see this
idea reflected in each of the Shabbos prayers
that a Jew expresses with deep yearning:
וטהר לבנו לעבדך באמת,
"Purify our hearts to serve You in truth."
The Ramchalalso
addresses the relationship between human effort
and Divine response. He writes: "Holiness is
twofold. Its beginning is labor and its end
reward; its beginning is exertion and its end, a
gift. That is, it begins with sanctifying
himselfand ends with his being sanctified. As
our Sages of blessed memory have said (Yoma
39a), if one sanctifies himself a little, he is
sanctified a great deal; if he sanctifies
himself below, he is sanctified from above."[3]
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Daily Dose of Dov
Dov is sober in SA for 14 years. See his story
here.
The Day AFTER the Seder Night
I believe that Hashem heals us only one day
at a time. Not for a week, a month, a year, and
certainly not for a lifetime. I believe
that for an addict, the "teshuvah gemurah" fantasy
(as Chazal say for normal people: "he is omeid
in one big nisayon so that Hashem is mey'id that he
will never fall again") is simply irrelevant,
the "final tikkun" is simply irrelevant - and
actually, they are nothing less than triggers for
our gayvoh and forgetting who we are. And that is
why even on Rosh haShanah - or on the seder
night I do not give in to my YH to expect
Hashem or even to ask for Hashem to
"help me stay sober this year" - I only
ever ask Him for today, be it a regular day or even
an epic day, such as RH or the heiligeh seder night.
The day after the holy seder
night- is the only day for me to be concerned with the
day after the seder night. I like this simple
and honest way to live, and it works.
The old way did not, so I refuse to go back to it -
I consider it kisli v'kei'i. Why try it
again?
My point is that He
is either healing us right now - or He is not
healing us, at all. We may not feel it, but it is happening
as long as we are working some kind
of (always very imperfect) program - and are sober
today. (BTW, this is exactly R' Yisroel Salanter's
interpretation of the story of R' Akivah on the
beach.)
Besides, there may
always be just as much progress ahead of us to make,
as there is right now! Yehudi
hu tamid baderech - ein hu yachol lavo l'shum
tachlis (R'
Nachman zy"a). Who knows?
And who cares?
Is 'never getting saved' a
discouraging thought? It will be
- if you are one of those who are waiting to be
magically healed by Hashem so that you will no
longer need to worry about anything. The only time that happens
is when we die...maybe. And I'm not particularly
interested in that right now, b"H, though I had my
moments years ago. .
I wish for you to let
go of waiting for Him to 'heal you soon'. You are going
in the right direction and are sober today.
That is awesome, awesome, awesome - and for me, that
must be enough. Everything else is icing on the
cake.
The amazing change
always comes, as long as we do today's business
today and tomorrows business tomorrow. It's really
simple. And that is one of the reasons that it's so
good to be alive!
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1011. |
Sunday ~ 20 Nissan,
5771 ~ April 24, 2011
Erev Shvi'i Shel Pesach
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In Today's Issue
- Announcement:
View All GYE's
Phone Conferences in One Place
- Torah > Pesach:
Kriyas Yam Suf -
We Can't, He Can
- Nachas Ruach
Treatment Model:
Excerpt 11 - The Eighth & Ninth Steps
- Daily Dose of Dov:
Addict vs.
Non-Addict
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Announcement
View all GYE's Phone Conferences in One Place
Thank G-d, GuardYourEyes is growing and more and
more phone conferences are being added over the
months and years. B"H today we have 12 different
phone groups with over 30 weekly calls. (A new group
on general "Shmiras Ainayim" is starting after
Pesach, be"H).
To help everyone keep track of all the available
phone conferences, their times and call-in numbers,
we created the following Google Doc Excel sheet.
GYE's Phone Conferences
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Category: Torah > Pesach
Kriyas Yam Suf: We Can't, He Can
Question: Why
did Hashem tell Moshe to tell Pharaoh that the
Jewish people just wanted to just leave "derech
shloshes yamim -
a way of three days" to serve Hashem, making it
sound like we were planning to come back? Indeed
when we finally left, Pharaoh sent spies after us to
make sure we came back, and when they saw that we
kept going after 3 days, they came back to Pharaoh
and told him "ki barach ha'am -
that the nation had ran away". Why did Hashem have
to play tricks with Pharaoh? Why couldn't he tell
him straight out to let the Yidden go for-good?
After all, Pharaoh had no choice in the end, either
way!
Answer: Hashem
wanted to leave Pharaoh with the illusion that he was
the one who let the Yidden out in the end... even
though he didn't have a choice. As it says in
Parshas Bishalach, "vayehi bishalach Pharaoh es
ha'am -
and it was when Pharaoh sent out the people"...
Pharaoh thought that he was
the one letting them go. Because of this, the
redemption still was not complete. It had to be 100%
clear that it was Hashem who was taking us out. That
is why Hashem played this game with him, so he
should think he still had some "control" - and then
he would "change his mind" and chase the Yidden.
Only then was Hashem
able to show that it was 100% His
doing at Kriyas Yam Suf.
Our addiction is like Pharaoh.
The lesson we can learn from this is that the
addiction won't let us go no matter what, until our
ego gets hit so many times over the head (10 makkos)
that the ego/Yetzer Hara himself agrees
to let the person leave the addiction. However, this
is still not bi'shleimus (complete) as long as we
think that "we" (the yetzer or ego) is the one that
let us out of the addiction. So it may work for a
while, but then Hashem causes "Pharaoh" / the
addiction to come chasing after us again. In other
words, as long as we left the addiction because "we"
decided to, but without a complete awareness that it
was Hashem who
got us out, ultimately it will not hold. It will
chase us down again, because we still think "we" are
in control somewhat. Like Pharaoh believed that he
was the one to "agree" to let us out.
Only when we stand
before the Yam Suf in complete powerlessness, with
the addiction chasing us from behind to enslave us
forever, and with a raging sea in front of us where
we "imagine" we will surely drown if we leave our
addiction for good; only in such a state are we
truly able to admit defeat and know that only Hashem
can save us. And this is the state of awareness that
Hashem wants us to reach; a point where we truly
have a proper vessel for His help - i.e. to know
with 100% clarity that only He can
save us. And then He splits the Yam Suf and takes us
out completely. "Hashem ish
milchama, Hashem shemo -
Hashem is the man of war, Hashem is His name".
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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The 'Nachas
Ruach' Treatment Model
Excerpt 11
The Nachas Ruach approach defines five stages in the
process of the development and treatment of
addictions utilizing the model of Egypt as a
metaphor. They are:
-
Going into Egypt
-
Becoming enslaved in Egypt
-
Leaving Egypt
-
Being in the desert
-
Entering the promised land
Nachas Ruach: Torah-Based Psychotherapy and Tools
for Growth and Healing
The book can be purchased online via
this link
Torah Perspectives on the Twelve Steps
"The
Eighth & Ninth Steps"
"We made a list of all persons we had harmed and
became willing to make amends to them all."
"We made direct amends to such people wherever
possible, except when to do so would injure them
or others."
[1]
These steps are compatible with the Torah's
understanding of the process of teshuvah,
which the Rambam stresses requires an individual
to actively redress wrongs that he may have
committed against another person, including
returning money that had been stolen.[2]
These steps are important for any person who has
caused harm to another. They are particularly
important for an addict, and though they are
difficult steps, they are very worthwhile in
helping him gain a sense of also being "clean"
in this area as well as his active addiction.
Emotionally, it allows him to become freer of
the burdens and "unfinished business" of the
past and gives him more of a possibility to go
forward in a positive way.
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Daily Dose of Dov
Dov is sober in SA for 14 years. See his story
here.
Addict vs. Non-Addict
I completely reject the idea that any yid who uses
shmutz (fantasy) and hz"l once in a while is "an
addict". As far as I am concerned, that is
ridiculous. The badness of the aveira does not
convert in into an addiction - at least per the 1st
of the 12 steps that I know of.
An addict is unable to stop - his track record
eventually teaches him this -hopefully before creating
too much wreckage and destroying too many other
people's lives. He (or she) is also suffering a
great deal at the hands of the compulsion. Life is
often looking acceptable on the outside, but truly
nuts on the inside. And they are the only ones who
can possibly decide whether or not they are
addicts.
I have never met any
guy who admitted he was an addict who got better by
getting married. Maybe there are some, but I rather
believe that this is
often what happens to them:
Crazy over lust, they
get married and drive their wives batty with lust
demands for decades. This remains behind closed
door. No one finds out about it...until they finally
give up either because their wives are
tired of the disgusting idea
of being treated as an 'receptacle' for their
husbands to act out all their fantasies - or the
husband himself soon
discovers that his poor, innocent wife
cannot
compete with
the fantasy-woman (or women) burned into his heart.
The real success
stories are of the men who are either addicts and
in recovery,
or were never addicts in the first place and grew up
a bit after getting married. They learned what real
life is like and let
go of
the childish fantasies - unlike myself. I did not do
that. And here I am, totally unable to win the
battle and yet sober today for the past 14 years, by
His Chessed.
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1012. |
Wednesday ~ 23
Nissan, 5771 ~ April 27, 2011
|
|
In Today's Issue
- Happy Announcement:
"Windows of the
Soul" Group Starting
- Torah > Pesach:
After Pesach...
"Follow Me Into the Desert"
- Nachas Ruach
Treatment Model:
Excerpt 12 - The Tenth Step
- Daily Dose of Dov:
R' Shimon Bar
Yochai Didn't Bring Along a Sandwich
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Happy
Announcement
"Windows of the Soul" Group Starting
We will IY"H
be starting a new phone conference on general "Shmiras
Einayim". This conference is applicable to all
"males", not specific to addicts. We will be working
through the book "Windows
of the Soul" which is a 30 day program for
learning how to guard our eyes.
The plan is to start May 1st, Sunday - Thursday, at
6 PM each day. If you would prefer a later time,
please
write to us now and let us know so we can adjust
the time as per the demand.
View all GYE's Phone Conferences in One Place
Thank G-d, GuardYourEyes is growing and more and
more phone conferences are being added over the
months and years. B"H today we have 12 different
phone groups with over 30 weekly calls.
To help everyone keep track of all the available
phone conferences, their times and call-in numbers,
we created the following Google Doc Excel sheet.
GYE's Phone Conferences
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~RR~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Category: Torah > Pesach
After Pesach... "Follow Me Into the Desert"
After the spiritual "high" of Pesach / Kriyas Yam-Suf,
getting back to regular life can be rough for an
addict. Immediately after kriyas Yam Suf, it says
that the Yidden went for three days into the desert
and that there was no water for the people to drink.
This place was known as "Mara" - meaning "Bitter".
Often, after breaking free from life-long habits and
desires, one goes through a stage of "withdrawal"
where he may feel "dried out". "And G-d showed Moses
a branch and he placed it in the water and the water
became sweetened". The Aitz or
branch, refers to the Tree of Life which represents
"G-d and his Torah". As one progresses on his
journey to sexual purity, he is able to connect with
G-d and the Torah in ways he was never able to
before. It is this spiritual connection, this branch
from the "Tree of Life", that sweetens the desert
waters and replaces the lust and self-gratification
that he had become so accustomed to, with the truly
life giving waters of spirituality, sobriety, joy
and a true freedom.
Without this "branch" from the Tree of Life, the
journey in the desert of sobriety remains truly
"bitter" and one may end up returning to Egypt - "on
the path that I told you that you shall not see
again" (Devarim 28:68).
See this
page for
ideas of how to increase the Torah learning in your
life.
~~~~~~~~~~~
Finding Happiness in Torah
Yosef C. from the "Daily Wind Down"
phone conference sent me:
The Gemora in Chagiga 13a says "the innermost parts
of Torah are only given to someone whose heart is
worried or anxious within himself"...
The Tzemach Tzedek
(whose yartzeit is 13 Nissan) explains (derech
mitzvosecha, tumas metzora 102,2) that "yiddeshe
anxiety isn't depression c'v, rather a lack of open
revealed connection to Hashem"... And "through
connecting to Torah (in whatever form), the yid will
truly be happy"...
In other words,
specifically because of our great anxiety within, we
will therefore come so very, very close to Hashem
and His Torah...
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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The 'Nachas
Ruach' Treatment Model
Excerpt 12
Nachas Ruach: Torah-Based Psychotherapy and Tools
for Growth and Healing
The book can be purchased online via
this link
Torah Perspectives on the Twelve Steps
"The
Tenth Step"
"We continued to take personal inventory and
when we were wrong promptly admitted it."[1]
Self-evaluation, or cheshbon hanefesh, is
also not a "one time deal" in Torah. For
example, before going to sleep every night there
is a custom to forgive others in one's heart and
to do teshuvah for mistakes we may have
made during the day. In the well-known "Letter
of the Ramban" (Iggeres HaRamban), it is
recommended: "Examine your deeds in the morning
and in the evening, and in this way you will be
doing teshuvah all your days."
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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Daily Dose of Dov
Dov is sober in SA for 14 years. See his story
here.
R' Shimon Bar Yochai Didn't Bring Along a
Sandwich
Someone wrote to Dov:
So let me see if I get this right:
Step 1: Admit that my addiction of obsession with
lust is making my life impossible.
Step 2: I am not successful at managing or curing
this addiction. But God can manage it for me. I need
to turn to Him
Step 3+ : Living in the solution: Turn my
addiction management over to God.
Ok... now we're getting somewhere.
Now, since I need to turn my addiction management
over to G-d, how do I actually do that? I feel like
a kid that's been handed a toolbox but has no idea
how or when to use the tools.
Dov responds:
Yes chaver, we are
definitely getting somewhere! Though...here are some
further things that I feel I need to say about your
above notes:
Contrary to what you
and others may have been told, the 3rd step is not primarily about
giving my addiction to Hashem.
If that was
the main purpose of the 3rd step, then it would read
completely differently - something like:
"We made a decision
to turn our
addiction over
to the care of...", or "We made a decision to turn
our will and our lives over to the care of G-d as we
understood Him in
order to be relieved of our addiction."
Gevalt! How could focusing
or directing our
relationship with Hashem on enabling
us to be relieved of lust be
a way to "live in the solution"? It can't. So that
is not what the 3rd step is all about.
Of course we
give up our right to masturbate or touch ourselves
for pleasure, to use porn and fantasy for
self-medicating, etc. We give them up because we cannot
afford to use them any more. Not because Hashem, or
our mothers, the Rabbis, or anybody else says we
must. We cannot blame our sobriety on anyone but
ourselves: we just stink at buying a great life
using lust. It doesn't work for us.
That's the 1st step -
our contribution. We do not really take it -
rather, it
takes us.
And it has little, if anything, to do with whether
fantasy and masturbation are horribly assur or
totally mutar. We just discover that we cannot
manage our lives with it any more because it makes
us meshugah and ruins everything. Our own 1st step
inventory informs us that we cannot afford those
luxuries any more - though others may very well be
able to. And we begin humbly asking our G-d to
remove the obsession with
lust from us as we begin taking real serious steps
to stay away from it.
Then what is the
primary meaning of the 3rd step? Reading it makes
this crystal clear:
It is about turning
our lives over
to Hashem's care. Our entire
lives, not just our addiction. He does not want
'an addiction', He wants 'a yid'! He wants us.
Rachmonah liba bo'i...He
doesn't want my lust - He wants my heart; my
attention (as the MHR"L would teitch it). That is
the 3rd step. Starting to give Him my heart by
putting Him in charge of my life, be'ikar in divrei
r'shus. It is not mainly about
being frummer - rather, it is about us admitting
that he really is the
Boss, Manager, determiner of all outcomes and taking
excellent care of us, indeed.
This is very
different from what we have been doing till now,
even if we are/have been frum yidden. A person - Jew
or lh' gentile - cannot be compulsively using any
drug and yet trusting Hashem to take good care of
him. No way. We self-medicate precisely and exactly
because our hearts tell us that G-d really does not know
what He is doing and will fail us every time,
unless we take matters into our own hands (very bad
pun there, sorry).
So the first
ingredient to taking the 3rd step is being sober
ourselves. Rabbi Shim'on bar Yochai did not bring a
sandwich, "just in case G-d didn't work," into that
cold, dark cave with him. He let Hashem take care of
him for 13 years.
Well, our old and
very familiar friends: porn, fantasy, and and
masturbation, are the 'sandwiches' we bring into the
cave with us. The 3rd step is the cave. Choosing to
do anything - anything else rather than act our our
lust is how we as addicts trust Him. We trust Him to
take care of us even though we have given up our
precious food: lust.
And it hurts
tremendously, even though we are frum, good people.
And he can help us with that pain. And it's
perfectly OK and we should admit the pain freely and
openly to Him and to our fellows, if we wish to be
free of it....for a change.
It is not a high
madreigah, as many thousands of uneducated
drug-addicted inner-city and country folk are doing
this program successfully, too. And so can we.
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|
1013. |
Thursday ~ 24
Nissan, 5771 ~ April 28, 2011
|
|
In Today's Issue
- Announcements:
Three Phone
Conference Announcements
- Links:
"Doomed" -
Sometimes Hitting Bottom is Not Enough
- Testimonials:
Mazal Tov to Steve
on 500 Days Clean!
- Nachas Ruach
Treatment Model:
Excerpt 13 - The Eleventh Step
- Daily Dose of Dov:
To the Point of
Survival
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Announcements
Join the "Daily Wind Down" Group Tonight
Yosef C. who is sober for close to 7 years in SA,
will be moderating a phone conference for reading,
sharing and connecting tonight. The call will take
place four times a week at 10 PM: Sunday, Tuesday,
Thursday and Motzai Shabbos.
Dial-In Number is: 1-712-429-0690
Participant PIN: 225356
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Windows of the Soul" Group Starting
We will IY"H
be starting a new phone conference on general "Shmiras
Einayim". This conference is applicable to all
"males", not specific to addicts. We will be working
through the book "Windows
of the Soul" which is a 30 day program for
learning how to guard our eyes.
The plan is to start May 1st, Sunday - Thursday,
at 6 or 7 PM each day. If you would prefer a later
time, please
write to us now and let us know so we can adjust
the time as per the demand.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
View all GYE's Phone Conferences in One Place
Thank G-d, GuardYourEyes is growing and more and
more phone conferences are being added over the
months and years. B"H today we have 12 different
phone groups with over 30 weekly calls. To help
everyone keep track of all the available phone
conferences, their times and call-in numbers, we
created the a Google Doc Excel sheet (click link
above).
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Category: Links
DOOMED
Sometimes
Hitting Bottom is Not Enough
Just change the words "Gambling" and "GA" in this
article to "Lust" and "SA".
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Category: Testimonials
Mazal Tov to Steve on 500 Days Clean!
Steve leads the morning call of Duvid Chaim's
cruise. (The next
12-Step Conference Call cycle is set to begin
Monday, May 16, BEH"Y). Today Steve wrote:
The 12 Step Program teaches us how to become
Spiritually Fit, and when I am, the triggers can
wiggle by and I just won't care to focus on them.
Not 'white knuckling', boys, but BLESSED
INDIFFERENCE. And I'm SOOOO thankful to Hashem for
giving me of His strength to become Spiritually
Fit!!
Rav Dessler points out that LOVE is created by
GIVING, not by taking. The more we GIVE to someone,
the more we love them. So when in the Shema Yisroel
we are commanded to love Hashem, how can we get
there? By GIVING to Hashem. But how can we give to
He who owns EVERYTHING? We read in Hallel - "What
can I give to Hashem for all His kindness to me? The
cup of salvation I will raise, and praise the Name
of Hashem." All I can give back to Hashem is MYSELF
- to try my best to be a good eved and son to him,
and to "raise the cup" of my salvation by publicly
praising Him for his goodness and kindness to me.
To this end, I am overly thankful to Hashem
Yisborach for this delicious milestone he has helped
me reach, for by the Grace of G-d I have just
reached 500 days clean and sober from the Big Bad M.
And of course, I COULD NEVER HAVE DONE IT WITHOUT
THE BOOSTER ROCKETS OF MY HIGHER POWER, YOU GUYS IN
THE CHEVRA & THE GYE FORUM!
Every day is still a struggle to keep my eyes and my
mind pure, but it's the struggle of recovery, B"H,
and very rarely white knuckling (but to be honest,
sometimes I have to get through it that way still).
May we ALL be zoche TOGETHER to give Hashem
Yisborach the ultimate gift, to serve him with
Kedusha and Tahara, to elevate our souls and fulfill
His will always!
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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The 'Nachas
Ruach' Treatment Model
Excerpt 13
Nachas Ruach: Torah-Based Psychotherapy and Tools
for Growth and Healing
The book can be purchased online via
this link
Torah Perspectives on the Twelve Steps
"The
Eleventh Step"
"We sought through prayer and meditation to
improve our conscious contact with God as we
understood Him, praying only for knowledge of
His will for us and the power to carry that
out."
[1]
It is clear that prayer is the "lifeline" of a
Jew and one of the three things upon which the
world stands, as taught in Pirkei Avos
1:2. The Rabbis learned many of the halachic
requirements for prayer (tefillah) from
the prayers of Chanah: "He should be careful to
pray the Shemoneh Esrei quietly, so that
only he himself may hear what he says, but not
the one standing next to him, as it is written
of Chanah: 'Only her lips moved, but her voice
could not be heard' (1 Samuel 1:13)."[2]
It is suggested that there is a clear connection
between the context of Chanah's prayer and
fundamental recovery issues, as implicitly
understood by the Twelve Step movement. Chanah
went to the Sanctuary at Shiloh heartbroken
because of her inability over many years to
become pregnant. Her situation was made even
more difficult by the fact that her husband's
other wife (having more than one wife was
permitted at that time) had many children "and
provoked her again and again to irritate her"(1
Samuel 1:6).
Her husband was aware that she was sad and said
to her, "Chanah why do you cry and why do you
not eat, why is your heart broken?"(ibid. 1:8).
Channah continued to be depressed. "She was
still feeling bitter and prayed to Hashem,
weeping continuously"(ibid. 1:10).
As she continued to pray deeply before Hashem,
the text stresses that Eli the Priest observed
her mouth. "Chanah was speaking to her heart;
only her lips moved but her voice was not heard,
so Eli thought that she was drunk. Eli said to
her, 'How long will you be drunk, remove your
wine from yourself!' Chanah answered and said,
'No, my Lord, I am a woman of aggravated spirit.
I have drunk neither wine nor strong drink, and
I have poured out my soul before Hashem'" (ibid.
1:12-15).
I would like to suggest that Eli understood that
Chanah was experiencing the type of emotional
anguish that would lead many to drink as a way
to escape from their problems. However, instead
of coping this way, Chanah "turned over to
Hashem" and "spoke it out" from the depths of
her heart, rather than seeking to "act it out"
in a negative way.
The Twelve Step approach understood this as
reflected in step eleven. Beyond that, the main
medium of the group experience is that it
encourages and positively reinforces addicts in
recovery to openly express and "share" their
inner struggles before the group, rather than
"stuffing their feelings," which increases the
likelihood of them "picking up again" the
negative behavior.
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Daily Dose of Dov
Dov is sober in SA for 14 years. See his story
here.
To the Point of Survival
Hashem does not tell me anywhere in the Torah not
to be an addict! Yes, He does tell me not to
look at shmutz, mz"l, stare at women, etc. But my
addiction is
not the
aveiro itself.
My addiction - the only thing
I actually need to
be free of today - is the
predictable attachment I have to lust, and is
expressed in an obsessive, searching hunger for
shmutz and fantasy, relations and hz"l, and other
closely related behaviors.
The fact that I
do these aveiros, is not my
motivation for stopping, and may never be. It never
worked before - why would I believe that it'd work
now - even after ten or more years sober?
Rather, the only motive that was actually successful
at 'getting me' to stop and seek the help I really
needed was that I admitted that my obsession was
actually making my life impossible. Till then, I
would always have - and would always continue to
have - excuses to continue my aveiros and obsession.
Excuses like:
1- It's too strong for me, so it's got to be OK,
somehow;
2- I am so upset I am not married yet, so I'd better
do this than
a, b, or c with
x, y, or z;
3- She/He/they/G-d treats me so incredibly poorly
that I deserve a little relief;
4- I am absolutely sure that this is the only way I
could possibly ever be
and remain happy. Doesn't Hashem, who loves me so
much, want me
to be happy?
5- I'll quit tomorrow/next month/by the time I am
50;
6- I'll start doing the aveiros less often and that
proves I am better....etc,
I cannot rely on the Torah to save me. I need to
rely on my own values. If I need to come to the
point that survival is in question, it will not be
pretty, but for many of us (maybe not all), that is
just what is required.
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1014. |
Friday ~ 25 Nissan,
5771 ~ April 29, 2011
Erev Shabbos Parshas Kedoshim
|
|
In Today's Issue
- Announcements:
Three Phone
Conference Announcements
- Parshas Kedoshim:
Article By Rabbi
Avraham Twerski
- Parshas Kedoshim:
Mischanneled
Chesed
- Nachas Ruach
Treatment Model:
Excerpt 14 - The Eleventh Step (2/2)
- Daily Dose of Dov:
Turning Our Back
on Our Old Selves
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Happy Announcement
"Windows of the Soul" Phone Group Starting Sunday
This Sunday, May 1st, a new phone
conference on general "Shmiras Einayim" will begin
be"H.
Only 20 Minutes a Day!
We will be working through the book "Windows
of the Soul", which is a 30 day program for
learning how to guard our eyes.
Click here to purchase the book on-line.
Click here to download a free PDF of book.
The schedule for this call will be as follows:
Sunday: 6:30 PM
Monday - Thursday: 7:15 PM
Dial in
number: 712-432-0900
Participant PIN: 424479
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Join the "Daily Wind Down" Group
This Coming Motzai Shabbos & Sunday
Night
Yosef C. who is sober for close to 7 years in SA, is
moderating a phone conference for reading, sharing
and connecting, four times a week at 10 PM: Sunday,
Tuesday, Thursday and Motzai Shabbos.
Dial-In Number: 1-712-429-0690
Participant PIN: 225356
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
View all GYE's Phone Conferences in One Place
Thank G-d, GuardYourEyes is growing and more and
more phone conferences are being added over the
months and years. B"H today we have 12 different
phone groups with over 30 weekly calls. To help
everyone keep track of all the available phone
conferences, their times and call-in numbers, we
created a special Google Doc Excel sheet (click link
above).
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Category: Torah > Parshas Kedoshim
Kedoshim: Rashi vs. Ramban
By Rabbi Avraham Twerski, Copyright © 2011 by
The TorahWeb Foundation.
Permanent Link
Hashem instructs Moshe to tell the Children of
Israel, "Kedoshim tihiyu, you shall be holy,"
but does not specify what one must do to be holy.
Rashi says that this means one must abstain from
immoral behavior. Ramban says that it means one
should restrain oneself from indulging in
permissible pleasures. His famous statement is that
a person might be a naval bereshus haTorah, a
degenerate person who is technically observant of
all 613 mitzvos.
Today we can realize that these two interpretations
are one and the same.
The frum community is being swept by an
epidemic - yes, a plague of addiction to internet
pornography. As the Talmud says, when a plague
occurs, it does not discriminate between tzaddikim and reshaim (Bava
Kama 60a). This is afflicting men and women of all
ages, some of whom appear to be stellar in Torah and
Yiddishkeit!
Satan is waging a ferocious battle, and it is
claiming victims. Some bachurim are drifting
away from Yiddishkeit, publicly and privately. They
know that what they are doing is an abomination to
Hashem, but because they cannot control themselves,
they feel they have lost their connection with
Hashem. Their davening and learning suffers,
and even Shabbos observance is affected. Wives feel
they have been betrayed, and marriages are ruined,
with the children being innocent victims.
The effort to stop this plague by outlawing
computers and internet is unfortunately futile.
Every day, more of our daily actions become
dependent on the internet. It is predicted that
check writing will become extinct and all
transactions will take place on-line.
Filters are the first line of defense, but
essentially they are a defense to avoid accidental
pop-ups. This is important, because if an indecent
picture pops up and one does not immediately turn
it off, one can be in trouble. Some people can
become "hooked" by a single exposure of just several
seconds.
Unfortunately, filters are of limited value for the
person who is addicted. One can find ways to
circumvent the filters.
I may sound naive, but I believe the only truly
effective antidote to this terrible plague is
developing a genuine sense of kedushah. A
person would not think of taking a siddur or chumash into
the bathroom. Yet, when one looks at pornography,
one is doing much worse. One is taking one's
neshamah, which is part of Hashem Himself, and
dragging into the pits of disgusting filth! I
believe that if a person had a true feeling of
personal kedushah, one would be loath to
defile it.
Meticulously observing Shabbos, eating only glatt
kosher, pas Yisrael and chalav Yisrael, as important
as they may are, is not enough to gain a feeling of kedushah.
Ramban said it well. One can observe Shabbos, eat
only glatt kosher, pas Yisrael and chalav Yisrael,
be an olam hazehnik and devoid of kedushah.
Rashi and Ramban do not disagree. The only way to
avoid immorality is to develop a feeling of kedushah,
which is not achieved when we are indulgent in
permissible gratifications.
Kedoshim tihiyu is a Scriptural mitzvah, and
its proper fulfillment is literally life-saving.
There are few therapists that deal with pornography
addiction. The website guardureyes.com is
a most valuable resource for help, providing chizuk,
education and anonymous support groups. Countless
people have been helped by this website.
There must be a dedicated effort at developing kedushah, in
the home, shuls, yeshivos and girls schools. The
study of mussar and Chassidic writings
should be a profound emotional rather than an
intellectual experience. Parents and teachers must
realize that they must model kedushah in
their lives, because only this way will our young
people adopt it in their lives.
I am not an alarmist, but I must say that we are at
a crisis, and we must make heroic efforts to avoid
disintegration of our families.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Mischanneled "Chesed"
By "ZemirosShabbos"
Towards the end of the parsha, there is the section
of arayos. In the pasuk about not having relations
with a sister, the torah calls it a "chesed".
Obviously this is a word that requires an
explanation.
The Radak says that this word has 2 meanings -
kindness and disgrace. The reason being that the
disgrace of immorality stems from an over indulgence
in the desire to give, to do chesed. Giving without
restriction or constraint will lead to immorality.
For those of us who have encountered the disgrace of
immorality, the Radak is telling us that it all
stems from a burning desire to do chesed, to give.
If we can channel it in the right direction and look
after, this desire can help us give give give, but
to the right causes.
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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The 'Nachas
Ruach' Treatment Model
Excerpt 14
Nachas Ruach: Torah-Based Psychotherapy and Tools
for Growth and Healing
The book can be purchased online via
this link
Torah Perspectives on the Twelve Steps
"The
Eleventh Step" (Part
2/2)
In the contemporary era, Rebbe Nachman's stress
on personal meditation or hisbodedus has
struck a surprisingly deep chord in modern man,
who has the need to talk to God and share all
his personal aspirations and struggles, hopes
and fears.
Meditation is the highest path of all. One must
therefore set aside an hour or more each day to
meditate by himself in a room or in the field.
Meditation should consist of conversation with
God. One can pour out his words before His
Creator. This can include complaints, excuses or
words seeking grace, acceptance and
reconciliation. He must beg and plead that God
bring him close and allow him to serve Him in
truth... This practice is extremely potent and
powerful. It is an extremely beneficial practice
in coming close to God. It is a general practice
that is all inclusive. No matter what one feels
he is lacking in his relationship to God, he can
converse with God and ask Him for help. This is
true even if one is completely removed from any
relationship with God.
There will be many times that one will find it
impossible to say anything to God. His mouth
will be sealed and he will not be able to find
any words to say. Nevertheless the very fact
that he has made the effort and has prepared
himself to converse with God is in itself very
beneficial. He has tried and is ready and
prepared to converse with God, yearning and
longing to do so, but he is unable. This in
itself is also very good.
Actually, one can make a conversation and prayer
out of this itself. He should cry out to God
that he is so far from Him that he cannot even
speak. He should beg that God grant him mercy
and open his mouth so that he will be able to
express himself before Him.
Many great holy men have related that they
reached their high spiritual level only through
this practice. However, it is a universal
practice that can be used by great and small
alike. Happy is he who grasps it."[1]
Rabbi Nachman also taught: "It is very good to
have a special room set aside for Torah study
and prayer. Such a room is especially beneficial
for secluded meditation and conversation with
God."[2]
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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Daily Dose of Dov
Dov is sober in SA for 14 years. See his story
here.
Turning Our Back on Our Old Selves
The steps (besides the first one) as I was
taught them and use them, have little to do with getting me
sober. That is what my first step is about, and why
it is the only step that even mentions our
addiction. The 3rd step and on are about keeping me
sober. I must use the steps to turn my back on the
entire way of life of an acting-out person. If I am
still grappling onto lust "to kill it with one of
the steps", I am a fool. Surrender either happens in
my 1st step - which
I may need to retake every single day or even many
times a day -
or it does not. The third step is about living in
the solution, not about beating the problem. That is
very, very precious and important to me.
Now, 'having to do this stuff over and over'
sounds like an insurmountable task, but that is just
a complete lie. It is not at
all insurmountable.
Remember, people from all walks of life have, and
are, living with this program, inner-city uneducated
, farm-hands, hot-shot lawyers, rabbeim,
and doctors....anyone can
do this. Heck, our destructive feelings and desires
come to us over and over! So, we have to eat, go to
the bathroom, and breathe over and over, too...so
what? Do we ever get overwhelmed by "the immense job
ahead of us to eat and go to the restroom over and
over multiple times a day for the next 30, 50, or 80
years!" Of course not. We know we will do this
moment's job at that moment and the next moment's
job in that moment. It's simple. And it will all be
OK.
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1015. |
Sunday ~ 27 Nissan,
5771 ~ May 1, 2011
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In Today's Issue
- Announcements:
Three Phone
Conference Announcements
- Torah Thought:
Don't Give Power
to Flesh & Blood
- Torah Quote:
Torah in the
Bathroom?!
- Attitude Tips:
How to Use Guilt
- Nachas Ruach
Treatment Model:
Excerpt 15 - The Twelfth Step
- Daily Dose of Dov:
Reversed Order
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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Happy Announcement
"Windows of the Soul" Phone Group Starting Tonight!
This Sunday, May 1st, a new phone
conference on general "Shmiras Einayim" will begin
be"H.
Only 20 Minutes a Day!
We will be working through the book "Windows
of the Soul", which is a 30 day program for
learning how to guard our eyes.
Click here to purchase the book on-line.
Click here to download a free PDF of book.
The schedule for this call will be as follows:
Sunday: 6:30 PM
Monday - Thursday: 7:15 PM
Dial in
number: 712-432-0900
Participant PIN: 424479
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Join the "Daily Wind Down" Group Tonight as well!
Yosef C. who is sober for close to 7 years in SA, is
moderating a phone conference for reading, sharing
and connecting, four times a week at 10 PM: Sunday,
Tuesday, Thursday and Motzai Shabbos.
Dial-In Number: 1-712-429-0690
Participant PIN: 225356
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
View all GYE's Phone Conferences in One Place
Thank G-d, GuardYourEyes is growing and more and
more phone conferences are being added over the
months and years. B"H today we have 12 different
phone groups with over 30 weekly calls. To help
everyone keep track of all the available phone
conferences, their times and call-in numbers, we
created a special Google Doc Excel sheet (click link
above).
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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Category: Torah Thought
Don't Give Power to Flesh & Blood
A young man complained to the Kotzker that he was
dominated by his wife. The kotzker replied that G-d
had told Eve "To your husband shall be your desire,
and he shall rule over you" If the first half of
this statement is reversed, so is the second. [ Emet
VeEmunah, page 21]
Explanation: "To your husband shall be your desire"
means that the woman is supposed to "desire" her
husband (her desire is more a desire of security,
dependency etc.). But in today's society, the
desires of man are often so strong so that he
is the one "desiring" his wife rather than she
desiring him. Perhaps that is why women wield so
much power in today's society, and maybe that is why
men no longer "rule" their homes like in the old
days.
When we desire a woman for her body, we are making
her into a form of Avodah Zara. We are deifying her.
Tnu Oz Le'Elokim! Let us give power to Hashem
instead - and not to flesh and blood.
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Category: Quote > Torah
Torah in the Bathroom?!
Sent in by Yosef C. from the Shulchan Aruch
Ha'Rav Siman 85, Sif 4:
"One should think divrei Torah even in a bathroom,
if that's the only way to keep thoughts of women out
of his head"
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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Category: Attitude Tips
How To Use Guilt
From an article by Rabbi Moss.
E-mail
rabbimoss@nefesh.com.au
to subscribe to his weekly e-mails.
Guilt is to the soul what pain is to the body. Pain
itself is not a good thing, but it does serve a
positive purpose. Pain alerts you to a problem that
requires action, it calls you to seek its source and
alleviate it.
Guilt serves a positive purpose too. Guilt that eats
away at us is pointless. But guilt can be used as a
catalyst for becoming a better person, when it
alerts us to acknowledge mistakes we have made, take
responsibility for them and not blame others - even
if others were partially to blame - and then resolve
to be better for the experience. We must turn around
the negative feelings, so they can propel us to do
more good.
Guilt creates a void in our soul. Fill that void
with something meaningful. Redirect your energy
towards a new venture that will benefit someone in
need. That way you don't just alleviate the guilt,
you actually transform it into a force for good.
You can't bring back the potential that was lost.
But you can reclaim your own potential. Don't let
guilt paralyze you any longer. Ask G-d to forgive
you. Then turn your guilt around, and use it as a
springboard for positive action. Make what was a
negative chapter in your life into the introduction
to the next chapter; making the world a better
place, starting from you.
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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The 'Nachas
Ruach' Treatment Model
Excerpt 15
Nachas Ruach: Torah-Based Psychotherapy and Tools
for Growth and Healing
The book can be purchased online via
this link
Torah Perspectives on the Twelve Steps
"The
Twelfth Step"
"Having had a spiritual awakening as a result of
these steps, we tried to carry this message to
addicts and to practice these principles in all
our affairs."[1]
The Twelve Step orientation understands that
having a spiritual awakening should lead to
sharing the positive benefits of this experience
with others who are in earlier stages of
recovery. The Torah stresses that an increased
awareness of God's reality and presence should
ideally motivate a Jew who is created in the
Divine image to "imitate His ways"
(והלכת
בדרכיו).
Chazal explain this to mean, "As He is merciful
and compassionate, you should also be."[2]
This step is also related to the Torah concept
that
כל ישראל ערבין זה לזה,
"All of Israel are responsible for each other,[3]
which is based on the fundamental
principle and aspiration of Torah to "Love your
fellow man as yourself, I am Hashem"(Leviticus
19:18).
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Daily Dose of Dov
Dov is sober in SA for 14 years. See his story
here.
Reversed Order
I have not found it to be true that one must first
love themselves before they will be able to love
others, as I have heard many people say. Nor do I
buy that a healthy self-esteem is needed at all, in
order for anyone to recover. Nor do I believe that I
needed to feel forgiven, in order to save my life
and actually learn how to stop being dependent on
lust and acting out. Rather, in my own case and in
that of others I know, the order is reversed. First
I stay sober one day at a time no matter what, by
learning to be honest with others, cuz I must. Then
I do my steps and begin to give at least a tiny
sliver of my life to G-d. Then, I come to see all my
character defects. Only after being absolutely clear
how powerful a force pride and fear are in my life,
do I finally come to be comfortable with myself.
I could not comfortably look in my own eyes in a
mirror until a month or so after doing my 4th step
inventory the first time. I was sober a year and a
half at that time, and discovered that I hated
myself - until I came face to face with myself with
all my warts and good qualities, too, and accepted
the facts about me. I got right-sized and started to
stop being so demanding on G-d, on my wife, and on
anybody. I came to admit that my inner life is all -
100% - up to no one but me. Ein hadavar tolui
ella bee, as they say, right? And the most
essential ingredient in the entire thing was that I
was no longer here to just feel better, but to stop
acting out so that I might yet live.
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1016. |
Monday ~ 28 Nissan,
5771 ~ May 2, 2011
|
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In Today's Issue
- Announcements:
The Lakewood Scoop
& Other Phone Conference Information
- Attitude, Torah
Thought: Where to
Put That Powerful Energy
- Poems, Parables:
Patience
- Nachas Ruach
Treatment Model:
Excerpt 16 - Six Additional Concepts
- Daily Dose of Dov:
Sometimes Low
Self-Esteem Comes From Pride
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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The Lakewood Scoop announces:
Guard Your Eyes Launches 'Shmiras Einayim' Phone
Conference
Last evening's call was a success!
If you missed the call, you can call
712-432-0990 and enter the code 424479 to hear a
recording.
Join us tonight again at 7:15 PM EST.
Dial in
number: 712-432-0900
Participant PIN: 424479
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Important: Elya's
Group will not take place this Monday evening.
Please join us next
week Monday instead.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
View all GYE's Phone Conferences in One Place
|
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Category: Attitude, Torah Thought
Where To Put That Powerful Energy
Shared by Yosef C. who is sober in SA for nearly 7
years.
I now rejoice with my inner animal: and boy is he
big! This 'super passion' that I feel, is a most
wondrous thing. Of course, acting out is out of the
question: period.
So now what? All this
energy must go 'somewhere'.
Here comes
responsibility and a schedule.
The yetzer is always
lurking, let's not kid ourselves. However, Hashem is
much, much stronger. As intimidating as the yetzer
may seem at first, when all is said and done, he's
really just an 'old foolish king'. Hashem can wipe
the floor with him in a second.
So here I am, at
work, not acting out, doing what's asked of me, and
with a whole full scheduled day ahead of me to look
forward to. My family needs me later, and I'll be
there: sober, and with a smile. I have friends here
at work, and all my conversations are with a smile.
Anger and tension are avoided as I LUST to be nice
to others and keep a calm and serene ruach about me.
I listen to what others say, and 'let go' of my own
erroneous conclusions all day long. I already look
forward with great happiness and gratitude, to the
daf I plan on learning tonight as well.
The energy from the
yetzer is POWERFUL and it was given to us to be
channeled and harnessed: only and entirely for our
benefit as yidden with Hashem: Just as one would put
a saddle on a wild strong animal. With G-d, we won't
fall off. "When we're connected above, we don't fall
below".
Just see the holy
words of the Holy Tanya in ch. 27. In shema we say,
"don't stray after your eyes and heart, which you
act immorally from them." For sure this isn't
talking about tzadikim, to say THEY(!?) act
immorally?!! Rather, this commandment is for the
'average guy' who may indeed act immorally"
So we, all of us,
'average guys' have a mitzva d'oraysa that the
'holly rollers', the real tzadikim, don't have. And
if THAT ain't a reason to rejoice, please tell me
what is!
(For the avoda of
those 'super spiritual' tzadikim, see Tanya ch. 10.
As for us, I'm personally happy with my 'lot' 'down
here' on the front lines).
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Category: Poems, Parables
Patience
By J.M
It took time
It wasn't easy
Many tried and failed
Some gave up hope it would EVER happen
We kept trying, to no avail
but finally....
We killed Osama Bin Laden.
So too....
It takes time
It's not easy
Sometimes we fail
We feel like were are hopeless
Some give up that it will EVER happen
We keep trying, to no avail
but TOGETHER we WILL
Kill our Yetzer Harah
Let today mark the start of a new era in the battle
against terror
And in each Jew's battle against their yetzer...
When things seem hopeless remember...
We are kadosh... We CAN do it!
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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The 'Nachas
Ruach' Treatment Model
Excerpt 16
Nachas Ruach: Torah-Based Psychotherapy and Tools
for Growth and Healing
The book can be purchased online via
this link
Torah Perspectives on the Twelve Steps
"Six Additional Torah Concepts to Supplement the
Twelve Steps"
I have learned to value the Twelve Steps as
providing a basic psycho-social-spiritual
foundation for understanding addictions and
recovery. The steps are compatible with the
Seven Mitzvos that were given to the sons of
Noach after the Flood. As learned from the Torah,
they delineate the universal laws of morality
that are based on the foundation of faith in the
God of the Bible.[1]
Chazal also teach that
דרך ארץ קדמה לתורה,
"Derech eretz, or basic morality, preceded
the Torah" (Vayikra Rabbah 9:3).
In this light, it is taught in the name of Rav
Chaim Vital, the main student of Rav Yitzchak
Luria (the Arizal), that "character traits
provide the principal preparation for the 613
commandments, whether in respect of observing or
transgressing them."[2]
Working extensively with Jewish addicts since
the mid 1980s, I have seen the need and
possibility to supplement the "official Twelve
Steps" with six additional Torah concepts. It
has been shown in this chapter that the Twelve
Steps can be understood from a Torah perspective
and are basically compatible with Judaism.
Nonetheless, it is not possible to avoid the
historical fact that the steps and the worldview
upon which they were based were developed by
those whose faith was not Jewish. Thus, in the
Nachas Ruach approach, I utilize six additional
Jewish concepts in the Chai program (12 + 6 = 18
= chai) when working with groups and in
individual psychotherapy, in a way that enhances
the program for many Jewish participants.
These are the six concepts that the Nachas
Ruach approach has incorporated:
1. "Beloved is man, who was created in the
Divine image" (Pirkei Avos 3:18).
"חביב
אדם שנברא בצלם, חיבה יתרה נודעת לו שנברא
בצלם שנאמר: כי בצלם אלוקים עשה את האדם"
2. "Taste and see that God is good. Happy is
the man who trusts in Him" (Psalms 34:9).
"טעמו
וראו כי טוב ה' אשרי הגבר יחסה בו"
3. "Rabban Gamliel used to say... Find
yourself a Rav" (Pirkei Avos 1:16).
"רבן
גמליאל היה אומר עשה לך רב"
4. "And the study of Torah is equivalent to
them all" (Maseches Shabbos 127).
"ותלמוד
תורה כנגד כולם"
5. "You shall be Holy, for Holy am I, Hashem
your God" (Leviticus 19:2).
"קדושים
תהיו כי קדוש ה' אלוקיכם"
6. "Do not return to Egypt..." (Deuteronomy
17:16) - relapse prevention.
"לא-ישיב
את העם מצרימה...לא תוסיפו לשוב בדרך הזה עוד"
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Daily Dose of Dov
Dov is sober in SA for 14 years. See his story
here.
Sometimes Low Self-Esteem Comes From Pride
Dov Talks About Step 4: "We made a searching
and fearless moral inventory of ourselves."
I believe that one of the main reasons that I was
always hurting so much inside and felt so down on
myself, was that in the things that really mattered,
I honestly and innocently expected unrealistic
things for myself. It was torture. I felt it was a
great injustice that I was not
considered one of the best guys in the beis
hamidrash - yet I am a
mediocre lamdan. My guts felt that I was such a
loser that I was not on as high a
madreiga as some others I saw - yet I really am in
need of much growing up and other work. It all put
the spotlight on my weaknesses and I needed to shift
the blame and find a nechoma. Everyone deserves a
nechoma from pain. Even innocent fools.
But once I finally
got comfortable with the facts about
myself, I began to get comfortable with my life,
with the people around me, and of course, with
Hashem. See, I was helped to see that the thing that
made me feel so sure that I was a pathetic excuse
for a yid was: my
Pride! I
had an inflated self
image that was killing me, not just a deflated one.
I expected R' Akiva status - though I am just Dov,
and need a lot of basic work.
This perspective has
shocked the heck out of more people than I can
count, for we were always led to believe that 'poor
me' is a symptom of low self-esteem. That is often a
lie. So pumping up the self-image is the exact wrong
way to go, if I want to really stop needing
artificial things to alleviate me of my great
disappointment.
And I believe that
the common taina that "once I am convinced that I
have (oversensitivity, and inflated self-image and
expectations, fear, and other) character defects, I
will give up and just not try to grow at all in the
beis midrash, learning, avodah, and lose ambition" -
is not true, either. Quite the opposite happens to
everyone I know who has ever done their 4th step.
They feel that for the first time they now have the
tools to be realistic and effective and to grow,
unfettered by irrational and childish thinking. I
started to slowly get happy after my 4th step, more
than any other.
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1017. |
Tuesday ~ 29 Nissan,
5771 ~ May 3, 2011
|
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In Today's Issue
- Today's Phone
Conferences:
Shmiras Einayim / "Daily Wind Down"
- Member's Chizuk:
Powerless Over the
Waves, but Not Over the Ship
- Torah, Hashkafa:
Three Steps of
Tikkun
- Nachas Ruach
Treatment Model:
Excerpt 17: Concept 1 of 6 Additional Concepts
- Daily Dose of Dov:
A 'G-d Help'
Program
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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Today's Phone Conferences
View All Conferences Here
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Join the 'Shmiras Einayim' Phone Conference
Tonight at 7:15 PM EST.
Dial in
number: 712-432-0900
Participant PIN: 424479
If you missed the previous calls, you can
download recordings here:
Day 1 /
Day 2
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Join the "Daily Wind Down" Group Tonight
Connect with Hashem at the end of a hectic day -
together with Yosef C. (who is sober for close to 7
years in SA).
Four times a week at 10 PM: Sunday, Tuesday,
Thursday and Motzai Shabbos.
Dial-In Number: 1-712-429-0690
Participant PIN: 225356
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Category: Member's Chizuk
Powerless Over the Waves, But Not Over the
Ship
By Yosef C. (from the phone conference
above)
When a large tanker is sailing fast through the
ocean, it causes a strong current of water which
also follows it's direction: quickly, and
powerfully. Turning the ship around however, takes
massive energy to first make the turn, and then, to
go AGAINST the flow that the ship itself caused.
But...
Just like the ship
DOES soon gain momentum in the opposite direction,
so too will we, with G-d and friends. A network of
friends sincerely reaching for kedusha with full
honesty together, is the most powerful engine there
is.
And just like the
ship can easily plow through the old 'opposing
waves', it itself caused, so too do our 'old waves
of insanity' not only don't slow us down, but even
motivate us to 'hit the gas' even more on our
engine: with even MORE prayer, MORE positive
thinking, MORE acts of love to those around us, MORE
positive and productive connections, MORE honesty,
and just MORE of everything good and Holy.
We control the ship
(not the waves), happily; as Yidden, Hashem's
beloved nation.
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Category: Torah, Hashkafa
Three Steps of Tikkun
A letter addressed to a teenager who asks for
advice on how to stop watching movies on his
cell-phone. The advice here can be applied to our
struggle as well:
"According to the Ba'al Shem Tov, every process of
tikun (repair, rectification) that we undergo must
follow through three stages: submission (hachna'ah),
separation (havdalah) and sweetening (hamtakah).
In your case, the first stage is to quit "cold
turkey" by submitting your will to Hashem's will and
immersing yourself in Torah study.
Once you have begun that, the stage of havdalah
begins. You need to clarify for yourself what it is
that you are lacking spiritually that makes you find
those films fulfilling on a physical/emotional
level. This stage is best accomplished by talking
things over with a mashpia (a mentor) or a close
friend or relative.
The stage of sweetening appears when, as a result of
your avoda (serving Hashem) the spiritual need that
you were erroneously trying to satisfy by watching
films, is satisfied by the level of spirituality
that your Divine soul was searching for all the time
and you no longer feel at all drawn to be duped by
the pseudo-satisfaction that you find in those
films.
(The ideas brought here are explained in detail
in the book "Transforming
Darkness into Light" by Rabbi Yitzchak
Ginsburgh, shlit"a)"
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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The 'Nachas
Ruach' Treatment Model
Excerpt 17
Nachas Ruach: Torah-Based Psychotherapy and Tools
for Growth and Healing
The book can be purchased online via
this link
Torah Perspectives on the Twelve Steps
"Six Additional Torah Concepts to Supplement
the 12 Steps"
1. "Beloved is man, who was created
in the Divine image" (Pirkei Avos
3:18).
The concept that each person is created in
the Divine image is the foundation of a
Torah-based psychological theory of man's
nature, and this should in turn be the basis
for developing positive self-esteem. This
applies to everyone, and is even more
important for addicts. Dr. Twerski stresses
that "low self-esteem is a major source of
addictions."[1]
From this understanding, it is clear that an
important goal in the treatment of
addictions is to improve self-esteem.
Concept one addresses this practical issue
of recovery. Already in the first chapter of
the Torah it is taught that man is created
in the Divine image:
ויברא אלוקים את האדם בצלמו בצלם אלוקים ברא
אותו זכר ונקוה ברא אותם,
"God created mankind in His own image, in
the image of God He created him, male and
female He created them" (Genesis 1:27).
The Torah recognizes that man is created
with a dual nature, with a physical and a
spiritual dimension and reality. "And the
Lord God formed man of the dust of the
ground, and breathed into his nostrils the
breath of life; and man became a living
soul"(Genesis 2:6). While understanding that
there is a basic conflict between the body
and the soul, we also understand that it is
the latter that is man's true essence and
eternal element.[2]
We also learn in Pirkei Avos in the
name of Rabbi Akiva that man should be aware
that he was created in the Divine image.
"Beloved is Man, for he was created in God's
image; it is indicative of a greater love
that it was made known to him that he was
created in God's image" (3:18).
The psychological implication at the core of
the Nachas Ruach Treatment Model is that
each individual has intrinsic value and
unique potential, as one created in the
Divine image regardless of his
current achievements or problems. This basic
truth is particularly important in
contemporary society, where most people have
"absorbed" the belief that self-esteem and
self- worth are highly associated with one's
actual achievements. Also, there is a
tendency to define oneself in relation to
limitations that he or she might have, as
seen professionally when clients are labeled
according to their diagnostic category. In
contrast to over-identifying with one's
problems, the Torah believes that "the soul
in its essence always remains healthy and
pure."[3]
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Daily Dose of Dov
Dov is sober in SA for 14 years. See his story
here.
A 'G-d Help' Program
I think we desperately need
to quit our preoccupation with lust and thinking
about our 'addiction patterns' and stop seeing our
'triggers' everywhere.
When we use the steps, we are not trying to 'kill
our addiction with analysis', but rather to get
ourselves and our over-sized brains out
of His way, for a change.
This is not a self-help program,
but a G-d-help program. G-d is
the solution, not us and
ever more of our 'wonderful' thinking that got us in
this mess in the first place. As I love to quote
Chuck C from AA, "We can't think ourselves
into right-living. We can only live ourselves
into right-thinking."
Mainly, we need to shut up and flap
our wings in
the right direction, not think our
way out of our addiction!
|
|
|
1018. |
Wednesday ~ 30
Nissan, 5771 ~ May 4, 2011
Rosh Chodesh Iyar
|
|
In Today's Issue
- Today's Phone
Conferences:
Shmiras Einayim
- Attitude, Hashkafa:
I'm Built of
Miracles!
- Nachas Ruach
Treatment Model:
Excerpt 18: Concept 1, Part 2
- Daily Dose of Dov:
Get Free Through
Surrender
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Category: Attitude, Hashkafa
I'm Built of Miracles!
Yosef C. who is sober for almost 7 years, shared
this with me today:
I was walking in the street today and something SO
momentous hit me today! Really! Something so earth-shakingly
big I felt blessed to realize it! I'm not sure if
anyone else has been enlightened to this, but this
news is BIG TIME and I wanna share this secret with
friends. It's powerful stuff that is worth thinking
about. So here's what I realized..
You ready?
Women aren't going
away.
That's right,
they're here to stay.
Pretty ones. Short ones. Tall ones.. All of'em.
Every day, all my
life, they'll be here.
And...
They we're put here
by a kind creator, who has purpose for them too...
But then,...
Something else hit me pretty hard..
Something even MORE AWESOME!!!...
I'M A YID!
That's right!
ICH BIN A YID! DER
EIBISHTER'S A KIND!
YES! ME PERSONALLY!
I'M THE FIRST BORN, MOST UNIMAGINABLY PRECIOUS GEM,
TO THE HOLY CREATOR OF THE UNIVERSE!!!
EVRYONE(!) sees how
the face of a child looks like the parents.
I RESEMBLE HASHEM!!
HE'S IN ME!
I'm living proof
right here and now of an eternal promise to an
eternal people.
From as far back as
Avraham...
YES ME!!!.... I'M THE
LINK IN THE CHAIN!!!
Wow! Yes me! I'm that
one!
My soul, and the souls of all my people are ..
Forever.
YES! THIS IS TRUE!!!
I'M BUILT(!) Of
miracles...
They're in my genes!
Should I be so
attached to the negative, selfish and purely
physical parts of the world and people around
me!?!?!?
Who taught me
that!?!?
That's not me!!
The two just don't go
together AT ALL!
The very fiber of my
being contains direct access to the greatest
infinite spirit of strength, hope, and real miracles
the world has ever known.
NO JOKE!!!
When I close my eyes
with sincerity, nothing has stopped me from
connecting to the POWER of our Holy ancestry....
NOTHING!
There are passions in
the world you say??? SO WHAT! I'm a yid!
I ALSO have passions.
I LUST for a happy family, a good world, and I
slowly see MY (G-D's) passions being fulfilled!
I know you want the same...
The world looks
EXCITING... Right? OOOOOHH. AAHHHH..
SO WHAT!
Such a holy being as
me; part of a nation of which HASHEM HIMSELF(!) says
of us that "We are testimony that He exists" (we are
ALL walking revelations of divine MAJESTY) could
really have a long lasting, true connection
with.......
GASHMIUS!?!?!
WHAT?!?!
It can't be; it'll
never be. It's scientifically, metaphysically and
just plain rationally IMPOSSIBLE.
A parent raises a
child. ALL of us here are a "ben olam haboh"! It
doesn't mean we will 'get there'...
It means Olam Haboh,
(YES TIMELESS HEAVEN ITSELF), is 'raising' us...
RIGHT NOW! Nurturing
us... Tending to us..
Fire doesn't bend
down to enter the waters of the 'mayim rabim'!
It's diametrically
the polar opposite! They have zero relevance, one to
the other.
Fire (and the fire of
my soul) inherently reaches UP!
My body does indeed
burn sometimes, but compared to the endlessness and
sanctity of the accomplishing soul, it's felt even
LESS than an ambulance passing in the very far
distance in the night...
(Much of this was based upon ch's 29-35 in Tanya,
and just simple yiddishe life experience of sobriety
in a very busy city, with B"H a growing, happy, not
wealthy family).
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The 'Nachas
Ruach' Treatment Model
Excerpt 18
Nachas Ruach: Torah-Based Psychotherapy and Tools
for Growth and Healing
The book can be purchased online via
this link
Torah Perspectives on the Twelve Steps
"Six Additional Torah Concepts to Supplement
the 12 Steps"
Concept 1: Part 2
1.
"Beloved is man, who was created in the
Divine image" (Pirkei Avos 3:18).
The Torah obviously doesn't deny one's
"issues" but sees them as external to his
deepest inner self. Thus, a main goal of the
Nachas Ruach treatment is to help the client
know this intellectually and internalize
this truth unconsciously, and from this
place rebuild a healthy self-esteem. For
example, the Twelve Step program correctly
requires an addict to continue to say, "I am
Joe Smith and I am an addict, clean for the
past ten years." This is necessary so the
addict won't "fall back" into denial, which
is the first step to relapse. The Chai group
clearly recognizes this requirement of the
program. However, it encourages the
recovering addict to say as well, "I am
Moshe Cohen and I am an addict, clean for
the past eight years. I am also a Jew
created in the Divine image." When a Jewish
addict says this, he is recognizing that he
has intrinsic value, positive potentials,
and the possibility to grow.
Being created in the Divine image is also
the source of man's free will, and the Sfat
Emet teaches that this also gives him the
responsibility to live a life congruent with
his potential and true value.[1]
The classical Twelve Step program teaches an
addict how to "stay clean;" Torah-based
recovery emphasizes why an addict
should want to be clean - because he is a
person created in the Divine image.
In summary, the Nachas Ruach formulation
means that while an addict should never
forget that he has a "chronic disease," he
doesn't have to and should not define
himself only in terms of that
disease. He should also recognize and affirm
that his unique Divine spark, which is his
essential self, is always clean.
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Daily Dose of Dov
Dov is sober in SA for 14 years. See his story
here.
Get Free Through Surrender
'Hanging on' just for today while doing nothing to
learn tools to get free of lust is nothing but a
bastardization and poor usage of the old adage, 'One
Day at a Time". Spare me of that fate,
please. I want to surrender lust one day at a time,
not hold my breath and pretend I am overcoming it.
There is a beautiful line in the White Book in a
short intro piece titled, "The Problem", and it goes
like this: "the only way we knew to be free of it
was to do it." I have always found it very
profound and also helpful when I have a desire.
When I get a stupid idea like "Yep, following her or
getting a better look at that would really help
me out" and it doesn't just go-away after I say no
(which proves to me that my body really believes
that it is good for me, in fact, that my body
innocently and honestly believes that I need it;
exactly like I am convinced - by my stomach -
that I need food when I am starving), I ask Hashem
to help me remember that there will always be yet
another stupid lust image/fantasy/pretty lust object
out there later, so 'getting over' my current desire
by 'doing it' will not do me any good, at all - the
exact same feeling that 'I must have
this' will return. Nothing will have changed at
all.
|
|
|
1019. |
Thursday ~ 1 Iyar,
5771 ~ May 5, 2011
Rosh Chodesh Iyar
|
|
In Today's Issue
- Today's Phone
Conferences:
Shmiras Einayim / Daily-Wind-Down
- Audio Links:
How to Relate to
Our Past Aveiros
- Testimonials:
True Living
- Nachas Ruach
Treatment Model:
Excerpt 19: Concept 2
- Daily Dose of Dov:
Accepting the Real
Truth About Ourselves
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Today's Phone Conferences:
Click here to view all conferences
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Join the 'Shmiras Einayim' Phone Conference
Tonight at 7:15 PM EST.
Important:
Next week Mon-Thurs, the time is changing to
8:30
PM due to popular demand. (Sunday remains at 6:30
PM)
Dial in number: 712-432-0900
Participant PIN: 424479
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Join the "Daily Wind Down" Group Tonight
"Connect with Hashem at the end of a hectic day"
Together with Yosef C. (who is sober for close to 7
years in SA).
Four times a week at 10 PM: Sunday, Tuesday,
Thursday and Motzai Shabbos.
Dial-In Number: 1-712-429-0690
Participant PIN: 225356
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Category: Audio Links
How to Relate to Our Past Aveiros
From Rabbi Avigdor Miller
Click the title to download this
insightful 5-minute clip is from a Shiur by Rav
Avigdor Miller, ZT"L (#643: In the Wilderness of
Sinai). In response to a question, Rav Miller
explains that, when we do Teshuva, we should
feel repulsed by our past Aveiros. Often, however,
a person may stop doing a particular sin, but still
feels nostalgic every time he thinks about it. Such
a person is missing the element of Charata (regret)
in his Teshuva [and, we may add, is more likely to
fall back into his previous ways].
This clip is being shared with permission from
the copyright holder. The entire Shiur, and close
to 2,000 other Shiurim, can be ordered by contacting
Rabbi Yehuda Brog at 718-258-7400
or RMTapes@projecttransformer.com.
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Category: Testimonials
True Living
By "Zemiros Shabbos"
The past year has been different than most of the
years of my life until now. Greater awareness, hope,
a shared struggle, a glimpse of some truly precious
neshomos who populate GYE, a feeling of belonging to
a group of truly good people, an entirely new
perspective on relating to the RBS"O. With much deep
gratitude to Hashem Who has bestowed His kindness on
me and has kept and protected me for the past year
and drawn me along His path to grow and live in a
truer way, part of that being keeping a distance
from lust, both online and off.
Please Hashem,
continue to shower me with kindness and protection
and guide me and lead me along the path of growth
and true living.
Being clean in
practical terms sometimes means only that the
options and factors needed for a fall just weren't
in place, and while that is precious and good, it is
not the final solution we seek. What we seek is a
change of attitude, coupled with a change of
habits/behaviors. Inner change takes time, and time
takes time... and effort... and perseverance. I pray
that I never think I am done / fixed / all-better,
but rather that I continuously grow and move up,
becoming a better person, a true yid and to build a
real relationship with Hashem.
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The 'Nachas
Ruach' Treatment Model
Excerpt 19
Nachas Ruach: Torah-Based Psychotherapy and Tools
for Growth and Healing
The book can be purchased online via
this link
Torah Perspectives on the Twelve Steps
"Six Additional Torah Concepts to Supplement
the 12 Steps"
Concept 2
2. Taste and see that God is good. Happy
is the man who trusts in Him - Psalms
34:9
One of the issues that the Twelve Steps does
not address explicitly is the positive need
to have joy in life. It is true the program
teaches that the ideal goal of recovery is
to be "clean and serene" rather than just
being a "dry drunk." Achieving serenity is a
very important outgrowth of staying clean,
and the program deserves credit for this
awareness. My understanding of what the
program means by serenity is that the addict
in recovery will begin to live life in a
healthier and more mature way; and it is
obvious that this is no small achievement.
It implies, first of all, that the addict
has enough inner strength and self-control
to stay clean "one day at a time" and to
reorganize his life, which has become
unmanageable. The program implicitly
recognizes the importance of living in a
responsible way, which includes being able
to function as a "good enough" participant
in family relationships, work, and leisure
time situations. This in itself usually
allows a person to begin to feel "better
about himself" and to have a certain "sense
of well-being" and inner satisfaction. The
innovation or chiddush of the program
is to teach that "normative living" is
ultimately the best "high" and is "really
enough" without having to expect and need
and crave more and more.
This position is congruent with the Torah
perspective. However, the Torah also
understands the legitimate, deep need for a
person to experience genuine pleasure and
joy in this world.
The Ramchal begins Mesillas Yesharim
by teaching, in the name of the Rabbis:
שהאדם לא נברא אלא להתענג על ה' ולהנות מזיו
שכינתו, שזהו התענוג האמיתי והעידון הגדול מכל
העידונים שיכולים להמצא,
"Man was created for the sole purpose of
rejoicing in God and deriving pleasure from
the splendor of His Presence, for this is
the true joy and greatest pleasure that can
be found."[1]
This experience is attainable in the
ultimate sense only in the next world.
However, it is possible for every Jew to at
times have the sense of "rejoicing in Hashem"
also in this world through a sincere
committed halachic lifestyle.
In the book of Psalms (34:9), it is written,
טעמו וראו כי טוב ה', אשרי הגבר יחסה בו,
"Taste and see that God is good." On this
verse, the Kuzari teaches that
"taste" implies that a Jew can have a real
experience of relating to Hashem and
thus "sense that He is good."[2]
It has already been asserted in several
places in this book that a major
contemporary issue challenging the Torah
world is how to have pleasure within a
normative Torah lifestyle. The next section
will begin to clarify the Torah's position
on the pleasure principle in contrast to
that of contemporary society.
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Daily Dose of Dov
Dov is sober in SA for 14 years. See his story
here.
Accepting the Real Truth About Ourselves
I haven't met more than one or two well-intentioned
Rebbi's who actually know anything about addiction -
at least enough to make a distinction between what
is normal and they can explain, and what isn't and
they can't explain. Those few are aware that
inspiration does not work, and that the
odds for any addict actually getting better are
pathetic. So the situation needs a multi-pronged
approach that probably involves the wife - every
situation is of course different. But an addicts
double-life has to
get the cover ripped off of it somewhere.
For me it was at home (a bit), and finally in SA
meetings (totally).
Also, typically we
tell these rebbi's too little or
too general information
about what we actually do and are are
thinking/feeling. (As in, "I have trouble with porn
and fantasy, and masturbation!" Oy vei, what a
useless bit of communication that is!) Though
generalizing to save face is quite normal (for me,
at least), it is not of much use to us. When I, for
the first time, really laid-in and got
everything out
on the table for a rebbe of mine, he sat back, and
after a minute calmly said, "Dov, you are ill and
need some serious help. I hope you find it. Your
life is so precious and it would be a terrible waste
for you not to get the help you need, whatever it
is." That man's simple acceptance of the facts did
more for me than the other advice I had ever gotten,
and it took me only six months more to quit and to
get the help I really needed to stay quit. Some of
the wacky advice I got included:
1- learn Tanya
2- just stop! You can
do it!! 3- convince your wife
to be with you a lot more
4- looking at shmutz
really isn't that bad,
considering the alternative...
5- learn how to have
more pleasure
6- just stop already!
....cheshboning,
cheshboning, and ever more cheshboning. Didn't they
realize that it was my thinking more
than anything else, that got me as screwed up as I
was in the first place? How could I possibly think my
way into healthy living?!
Boruch Hashem I
admitted in my heart that my entire life was at
stake here, not just one marriage
and one family
and one yiddishkeit
- but I was doomed to repeat this the next time
with my next
yiddishkeit (after doing just a little better job at
teshuvah and an extreme 'makeover'), with my next wife,
and my next family...
I could not run from myself forever. And this was
not going away. Since being in recovery, I have met
guys who finally came only after their 3rd wife (and
family) and after being 'born again', or whatever...
b"H I came earlier. I hit bottom while I was still
floating on top - of
the bottom of the sewer sludge. Chesed
Hashem mei'olam v'ad Olam,
indeed! It could have gotten much, much worse.
Thank-G-d I found and
stuck to SA like to a piece of wood in the middle of
the ocean (and I am still very scared of sharks ,
and cannot swim!), and still do.
SA and probably even
Recovery en-gantzen, is not for everyone. But for
me, it is working. I do not wish you or anyone would
just come and join SA. All I wish for you is that
you see and accept whatever the full truth about
yourself is and what you really need, and that you
follow it to the end.
People like to quote
"sheva yipol tzaddik, v'kom". I wonder: What makes a
guy who looks at porn, fantasizes, and masturbates a
tzaddik? What gives any struggling, non-sober guy
the right to assume this possuk has anything to do
with him?! I think that the reason he is referred
to as a 'tzaddik' at all, is only because he
is taking actual, concrete steps to deal with his
problems - he has accepted that he is screwed up and
is taking responsibility to get better by doing what
he really needs. And he is occasionally failing.
Then he gets up, looks in amirror and admits that he
only failed because he still doesn't admit how sick
he really is - and then he goes forward to get the
help he really needs! It
is not describing the guy in denial, at all. |
|
|
1020. |
Friday ~ 2 Iyar,
5771 ~ May 6, 2011
Erev Shabbos Parshas Emor
|
|
In Today's Issue
- Testimonial:
TaPHSiC Works!
- Video Link:
Three Things I
Learned While My Plane Crashed
- Nachas Ruach
Treatment Model:
Excerpt 20: Concept 2, Part 2
- Daily Dose of Dov:
A Religious
Problem vs. YOUR Problem
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Category: Testimonial
TaPHSiC Works!
An e-mail we got from someone on the forum:
I just want to let you know that I have been
making a Double Fence TaPhSiC shevua for the last
few weeks but I never came close to even needing it
all that time and I wondered if maybe it was a
shevuah levatolo.
Until last Thursday night, when I had a major
slip and realized at 1:30 AM on Friday morning that
my shevua had expired 30 minutes ago. I quickly made
another shevua for another week and went to sleep
clean. That Friday night I was feeling very aroused
with a mind full of lust and ripe for a full fall,
but the thought of having to do the "knas" I set for
myself was enough to keep me clean.
So I am going to continue with my TaPhSiC
shevuos without doubting that they really are
necessary.
Tizke lemitzvos!
Click here for an explanation of the
Double-Fence TaPHSiC Method.
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Category: Inspirational Video Link
Here's something powerful to think about and
reflect on, in respect to our struggles:
Three Things I Learned While My Plane Crashed
For those who (hopefully) can't view youtube
videos, click the link at the bottom.
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The 'Nachas
Ruach' Treatment Model
Excerpt 20
Nachas Ruach: Torah-Based Psychotherapy and Tools
for Growth and Healing
The book can be purchased online via
this link
Torah Perspectives on the Twelve Steps
"Six Additional Torah Concepts to Supplement
the 12 Steps"
Concept 2: Part 2
2. Taste and see that God is good. Happy
is the man who trusts in Him - Psalms
34:9
The Torah's Position on the Pleasure
Principle or the Pursuit of Happiness
Freud defined man's basic motivator to be
the "pleasure principle." Historically,
Western society has vacillated between two
extremes in relation to how to express the
pleasure principle. American culture was
initially strongly influenced by the Puritan
ethic, which viewed pleasure as a sin and
sought to suppress this drive. This led in
the early 1930s to the era of Prohibition,
where the production and consumption of
alcohol was constitutionally declared
illegal, before being repealed only several
years later. To a great degree, the
"counter-culture" of the late 1960s and
early 1970s was a reaction against the
"straight" WASP work ethic and lifestyle of
the pre-'60s era, and it sought to
legitimatize the pursuit of pleasure and
immediate gratification as an end in itself.
For the hippies of this era, smoking
marijuana became mainstream and the symbol
of their rebellion against the
"establishment." This ideology was expressed
in popular slogans of the time such as:
"Make love, not war" and "If it feels good,
do it." It also included challenging
previously accepted norms and inhibitions
concerning sexual behavior.
Since the mid 1970s, much of the idealism of
the hippie culture has been lost. However,
what has remained from it is that in many
ways contemporary society has become more
and more a "fun" or "hedonistic" culture,
and within this context the increase in the
frequency and range of addictive behaviors
has been almost inevitable. One could almost
describe modern Western society as being a
"culture of addictions." In many ways
Freud's critique that civilization overly
repressed man's natural instinctive drives
had a major effect on the way Western
culture developed in the twentieth century.
Freud developed his theory in what could be
characterized as being a "super ego
society," where morals were too rigid,
whereas since the 1960s, Western society has
become what can be characterized as more of
an "id society," where free expression is
encouraged.
From a comparative historical-social
perspective, the Torah viewpoint on pleasure
can be seen as taking a balanced or middle
position between the two extremes of
hedonism and asceticism. The Torah does not
view the drive for pleasure as a sin per se.
On the contrary, as we mentioned above,
ultimately man was created in order to have
the delight(oneg) of experiencing
Hashem's presence. Thus, from a Torah
perspective, man's choice is not whether to
experience pleasure, but rather how to
experience it.
Physical pleasures in this world, including
sexuality, are legitimate as long as they
are expressed through the framework of
halachah, which guides man how to
"walk the tightrope" between seeking and
expressing pleasure in a constructive or
destructive way, both for the individual and
in its implications for society. This
principle is related to the idea that "the
Almighty has created one thing opposite the
other" -זה
לאומת זה עשה האלוקים
(Ecclesiastes 7:14). This is interpreted to
mean that in general, things in the realm of
holiness have their opposite in the realm of
the profane. Therefore, the implication is
that if there are negative ways to have
pleasure, there also must be positive ways.
Beyond that, it includes the goal of
sublimating one's passions to allow them to
be expressed within the framework of serving
Hashem.
This can be seen in the remarks by the
classic commentator Rashi on the first
verseof the Shema prayer, which a Jew
recites twice a day. Commenting on the
verse, "And you will love the Lord your God
with all your heart, and with all your soul,
and with all your might" (Deuteronomy 6:5).
Rashi quotes Chazal as understanding that
"with all your heart" means serving God with
both the good and the evil inclinations.
It is understood that the good inclination
naturally wants to serve Hashem,
while the evil inclination opposes accepting
Hashem's will; being connected to the body,
it is naturally drawn after seeking physical
pleasures. Rashi made this comment based on
the word levavcha, "your heart,"
being spelled with two letter "beits" when
only one was necessary, and he suggested
that each letter stands for one of the two
inclinations. In relation to this goal, the
Baal Shem Tov taught in the name of Rav
Saadia Gaon that "one should learn from his
desire for physical things how to desire to
serve Hashem and to love Him.[1]
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Daily Dose of Dov
Dov is sober in SA for 14 years. See his story
here.
A Religious Problem vs. YOUR Problem
I do not equate
having a desire for lust and sex with 'addiction'. I
believe that probably most of the men and women out
there who struggle with occasional desires of this
nature are not addicts, but just normal.
Even in the context of yiddishkeit, where there is
no room whatsoever for expression of inappropriate
sexuality, I see no reason whatever to throw the
label 'addiction' at it. Many others feel otherwise,
I know, and I believe that (in their case)
'addiction' may be a big red herring for them.
Finally, I feel that participation of non-addicts
waters down the program for everyone because a
non-addict is not personally desperate. It is all
philosophical rather than practical. I believe he
doesn't really personally need
a G-d for his problem.
He may see it as a religious problem
- in other words, G-d's problem
with him -
but not a personal problem of his own. And that is
where I believe addiction,
12 steps recovery, and Derech Eretz
depart tracks from 'frustration
with youthful desire', the Yetzer Hara, and Torah.
(This was all just my
little opinion -
not 'the
Truth'.)
|
|
|
1021. |
Sunday ~ 4 Iyar,
5771 ~ May 8, 2011
|
|
In Today's Issue
- Special
Announcement:
'GuardYourEyes' Dinner
- Torah Thought:
The Source of All
Beauty & Pleasure
- Nachas Ruach
Treatment Model:
Excerpt 21: Concept 2, Part 3
- Daily Dose of Dov:
We Give Them Power
in Our Heads
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Special Announcement
Next week, May 15th, there will be a
high-end dinner in upstate New York on behalf of the
'Guard Your Eyes' organization, be"H. The renowned
author and addiction expert Rabbi / Dr. Avraham
Twerski will be speaking, and someone will tell over
their own personal story about how they were helped
by GYE. I will also be saying a few words, along
with the other speakers.
We are looking for partners to help us take our work
to the next level so we can reach out and help tens
of thousands of Jews around the world in both the
areas of "Treatment" and "Prevention". Seats at the
dinner are being sold beginning at $1000 a seat, and
we will also be selling part of the zechusim
(merits) for the many features of our network, such
as the daily chizuk e-mails that go out to thousands
of members, the handbooks, the new web-development,
the phone conferences, etc... as well as translating
and adapting our materials and services in Yiddish
for the Chassidish world, and in Hebrew for Israel.
If you, or someone you know, might be interested in
joining this historic evening, please
send us an e-mail for more details.
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~RR~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Category: Torah Thought
The Source of All Beauty & Pleasure
Tonight's Seffirah is Yesod She'Bitiferes. How
can we use the Middah of Tifferes when it comes to
tikkun ha'Yesod?:
The Holy Sefer, Noam Elimelech from Rav Elimelech of
Lizensk writes that Yaakov Avinu's attribute was
that of Tiferes, meaning "Awesome Beauty". This
implies that Yaakov Avinu had the ability to be
awestruck by G-dly beauty in all he saw. For
example, the Noam Elimelech continues, "When a
person eats a tasty food, he should say to himself,
"if this food is so good in taste, is it not obvious
that all the good and pleasantness is to be found in
the Creator--may his name be blessed--without any
limit or boundary!"..."and this is the secret of the
Pasuk "and Yaakov kissed Rachel".
How uplifting and beautiful it is to try to apply
this midah of Yaakov Avinu to ourselves. Whenever we
see something that turns our hearts to sexual
desire, we need to tell ourselves, "If this woman is
so beautiful and I desire her so much,
how much more beautiful it must be to connect with
G-d, who is the infinite source of all beauty,
pleasantness and pleasure!"
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The 'Nachas
Ruach' Treatment Model
Excerpt 21
Nachas Ruach: Torah-Based Psychotherapy and Tools
for Growth and Healing
The book can be purchased online via
this link
Torah Perspectives on the Twelve Steps
"Six Additional Torah Concepts to Supplement
the 12 Steps"
Concept 2: Part 3
2. Taste and see that God is good. Happy
is the man who trusts in Him - Psalms
34:9
The Torah's Position on the Pleasure
Principle or the Pursuit of Happiness
In Parashas Vayishlach, Genesis 32:5,
Yaakov sent messengers to Esav and commanded
them to tell him, "I have sojourned with
Lavan and stayed until now." On this phrase,
Rashi comments that Yaakov Avinu was saying
that he was able to maintain his loyalty to
the 613 mitzvos of the Torah even while
living in a foreign atmosphere that was so
hostile to Torah observance. However, Rav
Meir Shapiro of Lublin, z"l, teaches
that Yaakov Avinu added regretfully, "While
I remained firm in my observance of the 613
commandments, I failed to learn from Lavan
to perform the commandments with the same
dedication and passion as he pursued his
evil ways."[1]
Judaism stresses not only self-control but
also the value of serving Hashem joyfully (b'simchah),
as part of normative halachic living:
עבדו את ה' בשמחה באו לפניו ברננה,
"Serve Hashem with gladness, come before Him
with joyous song" (Psalms 100:2).
For example, delighting in or having oneg
on the Shabbos is an intrinsic
halachicaspect of Shabbos observance. In the
standard Shabbos prayers, we pray every
week, "They shall rejoice in Your Kingdom -
those who observe the Sabbath and call it a
delight (oneg). The people that
sanctifies the Seventh - they will all be
satisfied and delighted with Your goodness."[2]
It is also customary to read several verses
from the prophet Isaiah before making
Kiddush on Shabbos morning. These include:
"If you restrain your foot, because of the
Shabbos, [and refrain] from accomplishing
your own needs on my holy day; if you
proclaim the Shabbos a delight (oneg),
the holy day of Hashem...then you will
delight in Hashem and I shall mount you
astride the heights of the world, and
provide you the heritage of your forefather
Jacob - for the mouth of Hashem has spoken"
(Isaiah 58:13-14).
The phrase "I shall mount you astride the
heights of the world," or, more literally,
"I will cause you to ride on the high places
of the land," implies that a Jew with his
additional soul (neshamah yeseirah)
will have greater awareness or a higher
consciousness on Shabbos. From a
secular perspective, the traditional
observance of Shabbos can lead one to have a
sense of being "high," but in a natural way.
Chazal teach that one of the goals of
learning Torah and doing mitzvos is to allow
a Jew to develop an intimate relationship
with Hashem. The sense of feeling connected
or close to Hashem is called deveikus.
The Ramchal teaches that "God's purpose in
creation was to bestow of His good to
another." This means giving created beings
the opportunity to attach themselves to Him
to the greatest degree possible. The purpose
of all that was created was therefore to
bring into existence a creature who would
derive pleasure from God's own good in a way
that would be possible for it.[3]
The Ramchal also teaches that only
deveikus, or union with God, constitutes
true perfection.[4]
We also learn from David HaMelech that
communion with Hashem is ultimately the
greatest joy, as we read in Psalms 73:28:
ואני קרבת אלוקים לי טוב,
"But as for me, God's nearness is my good,"
and in the verse in Psalms 27:4:
אחת שאלתי מאת ה' אותו אבקש שפתי בבית ה' כל
ימי חיי לחזות בנועם ה' ולבקר בהיכלו,
"One thing I asked of Hashem, that shall I
seek: Would that I dwell in the House of
Hashem all the days of my life, to behold
the sweetness of Hashem and to contemplate
in His sanctuary."
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Daily Dose of Dov
Dov is sober in SA for 14 years. See his story
here.
We Give Them Power In Our Heads
Someone asks Dov:
What exactly should be going through my mind
when I see a pretty girl? Just a half hour ago, I
was in the store, buying challahs for shabbos, and
the married woman behind the counter was making my
life very difficult! I hope I wasn't too rude, I
just basically avoided eye contact. Is that the
appropriate eventual end result?? There has to be a
way of easing back into normal life - the girls
aren't going away, despite my work on my
self-improvement...
Dov Responds:
Yes, we need to avoid looking with lust
at all costs. It makes us meshugah, as you know. But
the real solution for people with our problem is
actually treating these people like what they are:
real people. Not potential trouble
(lust) objects.
We do that by using their actual names (if we
already know what they are) when we daven for them,
by polite eye contact and saying hello, thanks, and
good-bye, and in general, by plugging-in to their
humanity and then letting go of them. We need to be
able to walk past these people - when we cannot, it
is because we are struck by their power... excuse
me? Power? Yup, that is what they have because
we give it to them in our heads.
That is where I am going with all this. I regularly
daven for these cash-register people, say "hi" in a
normal (not hyper, flirty, or attention-getting
way), and walk away from them when our interaction
is over. She is a cashier right now. A real person
trying to get by and support her child by ringing up
squash and Kool-aide from 7-3:30 every day. G-d
bless her and her family.
That may seem like a wacked out way to associate
with people, but for me, it leads me to normal
living.
|
|
|
1022. |
Monday ~ 5 Iyar,
5771 ~ May 9, 2011
|
|
In Today's Issue
- Special
Announcement:
'GuardYourEyes' Dinner
- Torah, Hashkafa,
Attitude: We Are
Hashem's Spiritual Athletes
- Nachas Ruach
Treatment Model:
Excerpt 22: Concept 2, Part 4
- Daily Dose of Dov:
Turning Our Wires
Around
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Special Announcement
Next week, May 15th, there will be a
high-end dinner in upstate New York on behalf of the
'Guard Your Eyes' organization, be"H. The renowned
author and addiction expert Rabbi / Dr. Avraham
Twerski will be speaking, and someone will tell over
their own personal story about how they were helped
by GYE. I will also be saying a few words, along
with the other speakers.
We are looking for partners to help us take our work
to the next level so we can reach out and help tens
of thousands of Jews around the world in both the
areas of "Treatment" and "Prevention". Seats at the
dinner are being sold beginning at $1000 a seat, and
we will also be selling part of the zechusim
(merits) for the many features of our network, such
as the daily chizuk e-mails that go out to thousands
of members, the handbooks, the new web-development,
the phone conferences, etc... as well as translating
and adapting our materials and services in Yiddish
for the Chassidish world, and in Hebrew for Israel.
If you, or someone you know, might be interested in
joining this historic evening, please
send us an e-mail for more details.
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Category: Torah, Hashkafa, Attitude
We Are Hashem's Spiritual Athletes
Some beautiful and inspiring musings from Yosef
C. in SA
Seforim bring that 'avoda' has the same root as a
term in shas: '(oros) avudim' - tanned
skins. The tanning/pounding process involved to make
skins of an animal kosher for tefilin or mezuza and
sifrey kodesh.
Are you aware of what
is done to these skins to make them kosher for use?
Look up the halochos.
Stretching, pulling,
beating, even (in olden days) soaking them in dog
cr*p!
Just ask any sofer.
This is the process our Torah calls 'ibud'. With the
same root letters as avoda (ayin, beis, dalet)!
The internal work a
yid goes through in his wondrous process of avoda is
connected to this experience called 'ibud'. It
sometimes (not all the time) feels like we are being
beaten, stretched, pulled, and we just feel like
cr*p! Period.
It almost seems a
pity that the seduction of 'normal American society'
has enticed even G-d's holy nation to believe in an
'easy going' life style'. Even the goyim know, "easy
come, easy go"!
'Working hard'
(b'simcha) is who we are, essentially and
unavoidably. And best of all; it's for our benefit!
Hard work, in taking good actions or davening longer
or letting go of a ta'ava doesn't have to be a
depressing process; we have friends to share with,
cry with, scream with, and best of all, rejoice
with! We are not alone. And the victory, when we
come through it (we always will, if we are sincere
in our efforts) is more delicious than any ta'ava
could ever claim to be: to be unshakably close with
the infinite!?! Noting compares! This is long term,
real life happiness! It wont 'glitter' and shine all
the time, but isn't it obvious already how secular
'shiny' culture is essentially 'gold plated
drek'!?.... Go ahead! Keep a secular style for a
while! You'll look great! ... And soon wonder where
the smell is coming from...
Ask any athlete who
worked hard and tasted sweet victory. How much
infinitely more so us(!), Hashem's spiritual
athletes!
Best of all, we have
more than any Olympic athlete could ever dream of:
Toras Emes GUARANTEES(!): "If someone says, 'I have
worked hard and I have not been successful, don't
believe him'. If someone says, 'I have not worked
hard and I have been successful,' don't believe him.
If someone says, 'I have worked hard, and I have
been successful,' believe him!!!" (Megilla, 6b)...
In other words, a Jew
being unsuccessful after trying hard is not reality
from G-d's point of view. It doesn't exist (don't
confuse success with money. Plenty(!) Of Jews are
not wealthy by any means, and have great shalom
bayis, healthy children, are loved by the community,
and are happy with 'sipuk hanefesh'). Hashem sees us
Jews as hard working, accomplished, healthy and
happy with our lot.
He says clearly in
His Torah, straight to us:
"Easy?", "I don't believe you".
"Not successful?", "still I don't believe you".
"
"Hard working AND successful!?!", "YES! Now I
believe you!"
Our compassionate
Father's words, directly and lovingly spoken to each
and every one of us, one on one.
You have a wondrous
success story of your own... Hashem is on your side,
always,
With simcha, Go make
it happen :-)
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The 'Nachas
Ruach' Treatment Model
Excerpt 22
Nachas Ruach: Torah-Based Psychotherapy and Tools
for Growth and Healing
The book can be purchased online via
this link
Torah Perspectives on the Twelve Steps
"Six Additional Torah Concepts to Supplement
the 12 Steps"
Concept 2: Part 4
2. Taste and see that God is good. Happy
is the man who trusts in Him - Psalms
34:9
The Torah's Position on the Pleasure
Principle or the Pursuit of Happiness
Rebbe Kalonymus Kalman Shapira of Peasetzna
wrote the following concerning the need for
pleasure:
The human soul relishes sensation, not
only if it is a pleasant feeling but for the
very experience of stimulation. Sooner
sadness or some deep pain rather than the
boredom of non-stimulation. People will
watch distressing scenes and listen to
heartrending stories just to get
stimulation. Such is human nature and a need
of the soul, just like all its other needs
and natures. So he who is clever will
fulfill this need with passionate prayer and
Torah learning. But the soul whose Divine
service is without emotion will have to find
its stimulation elsewhere. It will either be
driven to cheap, even forbidden sensation or
will become emotionally ill from lack of
stimulation.[1]
Finally, the Ramchal puts the issue of
pleasure into a broader perspective.
We thus derive that the essence of a
man's existence in this world is solely the
fulfilling of mitzvos, the serving of God,
and the withstanding of trials, and that the
world's pleasures should serve only the
purpose of aiding and assisting him, by way
of providing him with the contentment
(nachas ruach) and peace of mind (yishuv
hadaas) requisite for the freeing of his
heart for the service which devolves upon
him.[2]
In this paragraph, which appears at the end
of the first chapter of Mesillas Yesharim
and deals with man's duties in the world,
the Ramchal clarifies the correct Torah
perspective concerning the role and nature
of worldly pleasures, which is particularly
important for the era that we are living in
now. Pleasure is legitimatized as a means
for creating the optimal conditions that
allow a Jew to serve Hashem. Practically,
this means that the way to clarify whether a
particular pleasure is valid is related to
the consequence that it has afterwards
concerning a person's serving God (avodas
Hashem). In my clinical experience,
discussing and clarifying the role of
worldly pleasures is often an important
aspect of therapy, whether the person has
dropped out or taken a "time out" in a
negative way.
The Kuzari and Ramban both emphasize
that the possibility that one can "Taste and
see that Hashem is good" (Psalms 34:9), or
to know God through experience and not
primarily through the intellect, is
potentially more possible in Eretz Yisrael,
and particularly in Jerusalem, the Holy
City, where Hashem's Presence or
Shechinah is more accessible. Chazal
also teach, in Baba Basra 158b, that
the very "air of Eretz Yisrael makes one
wise."
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Daily Dose of Dov
Dov is sober in SA for 14 years. See his story
here.
Turning Our Wires Around
It is not the woman's
body, her face or whatever that is the problem - the
problem is in me. So I need to ask Him to help me
with me. With what my priorities are and to help
adjust what it is that I find precious in this
world.
I might ask Him to please give me what it is that I
am really seeking in the image of that woman. That
is, the real fulfillment and connection that is
actually to Him. He's gotta be where all the beauty,
love, and pleasure is - cuz he made it! Now this
idea may sound bizarre to some, but it is simple.
"Li hakesef v'li hazohov omar Hashem tzvo'os" is the
nechoma He gives to the money-hungry - "Don't worry,
I've got it all right here - for you!"...well, how
about for those who crave what we do - it's our
currency. Does He have that? Sure he does!
This may not work nor make any sense at all for a
normal Jew who is having a tayvoh for some schmutz.
It feels nice and he wants it, period. He may not be
after anything remotely resembling "no'am Hashem".
But paradoxically, for addicts - chronic users, who
are repeatedly and cyclically duped by this garbage
(like my story
here!) and obviously have lost
control over it - we are lost. We are so far past
cheit that we have come out the other side:
it has become a 'higher power' for us. Sort of like
a god. An obsession - like the way Jews are supposed
to feel about Hashem! - obsessed and in love with
Him (as the RMB"M clearly puts it in hilchos De'os,
(I closely paraphrase) "the way a man is infatuated
and even crazy in love with his woman".
The program I know is all about the fact that we
addicts need to take the same wires and turn them
around: replace lust with what it now most closely
resembles for us: connection to G-d and His Will,
His sweet love for us. We take action to replace our
overpowering need for connection with people (in sex
with self, and with them), with being of service to
others. Being useful and getting busy with real life
- what we like to run away from a lot.
We need a lot of help to do that.
|
|
|
1023. |
Tuesday ~ 6 Iyar,
5771 ~ May 10, 2011
|
|
In Today's Issue
- Announcement 1:
'GuardYourEyes'
Dinner
- Announcement 2:
Many New 12-Step
Phone Conferences Starting Next Week
- Audio Link:
Love From A
Distance
- Nachas Ruach
Treatment Model:
Excerpt 23: Concept 2, Part 5
- Daily Dose of Dov:
Don't Get
Stronger, Get More Help!
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Announcement
Section
Announcement 1
Next week, May 15th, there will be a
high-end dinner in upstate New York on behalf of the
'Guard Your Eyes' organization, be"H. The renowned
author and addiction expert Rabbi / Dr. Avraham
Twerski will be speaking, and someone will tell over
their own personal story about how they were helped
by GYE. I will also be saying a few words, along
with the other speakers.
We are looking for partners to help us take our work
to the next level so we can reach out and help tens
of thousands of Jews around the world in both the
areas of "Treatment" and "Prevention". Seats at the
dinner are being sold beginning at $1000 a seat, and
we will also be selling part of the zechusim
(merits) for the many features of our network, such
as the daily chizuk e-mails that go out to thousands
of members, the handbooks, the new web-development,
the phone conferences, etc... as well as translating
and adapting our materials and services in Yiddish
for the Chassidish world, and in Hebrew for Israel.
If you, or someone you know, might be interested in
joining this historic evening, please
send us an e-mail for more details.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Announcement 2
GYE is happy to announce the launch of a new
series of phone conferences next week; Duvid Chaim -
along with his talmidim - and Dov (from the "Daily
Dose of Dov") will all be launching new cycles next
week, IY"H.
If you find it too difficult to make a
face-to-face SA meeting or you are concerned about
privacy and anonymity but you know that you would
benefit by working a 12 Step Program, then join our
anonymous phone fellowships; groups of men who share
your struggle. The 12-Step program is a proven
format used by millions of people around the world
who have, with G-d's help, found recovery and
freedom from their addiction. This program is a
proven method of success!
See
this page for more information on the many new
groups being launched next week.
See
this page for all of GYE's Phone Conferences;
the days, times and call in numbers.
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Category: Audio Links
Love From a Distance
Someone sent us the link above and wrote:
I HIGHLY recommend this shiur I just listened to.
It gave me a lot of chizuk and perspective. Perhaps
you can share it with the oilam.
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The 'Nachas
Ruach' Treatment Model
Excerpt 23
Nachas Ruach: Torah-Based Psychotherapy and Tools
for Growth and Healing
The book can be purchased online via
this link
Torah Perspectives on the Twelve Steps
"Six Additional Torah Concepts to Supplement
the 12 Steps"
Concept 2: Part 5
2. Taste and see that God is good. Happy
is the man who trusts in Him - Psalms
34:9
The Torah's Position on the Pleasure
Principle or the Pursuit of Happiness
Unfortunately, many Jews, whether baalei
teshuvah (BT) or frum from birth (FFB),
don't adequately realize that pleasure and
joy are meant to be integral elements of
serving Hashem. For BTs, this realization
can help them have more motivation to return
to traditional Judaism. HaRav Noach
Weinberg, z"l, rosh yeshivah
of AishHaTorah, used to ask new
students, "What is the purpose of life?" He
would then go on to explain that Hashem
created the world for only one purpose: To
give His children as much pleasure as
possible. Rav Noach would teach a class
called "The
Five Levels of Pleasure," with the
highest pleasure being the love of God.[1]
For those who are FFB, the legitimacy of joy
and pleasure in Judaism can help them find
deeper meaning in what they have already
been observing, which is an important need
for many in the contemporary situation. For
those who grew up religious, it's possible
to experience doing mitzvos in a routine,
habitual manner, which has both advantages
and disadvantages. Rav Dessler stresses that
every Jew should go beyond the "free will
point" that he acquired through his
childhood education.[2]
For many, having more of the experience of
having a personal relationship with Hashem
through doing mitzvos can provide a sense of
fulfillment that otherwise might be lacking.
In summary, the Nachas Ruach model as a
Torah-based approach emphasizes, within the
Chai program, the legitimacy of joy in a way
that goes beyond the classical Twelve
Step program. Rabbi Dr. Avraham Twerski
confirmed that "the Twelve Step program
doesn't provide a framework and the tools
for having joy in an active way like Judaism
does."[3]
For addicts in recovery, it is my clinical
experience that it can make it easier for
them to stay clean by validating their need
to experience pleasure, or oneg, in a
healthy way. This whole issue is very
practical and not just theoretical, for
addicts are often initially trying, almost
desperately, to "pursue happiness"[4]
as understood in the modern Western culture,
but tragically end up experiencing the pain
that is a consequence of the disease of
addiction.
This paradox can be seen in Hebrew where the
word "to delight" is oneg (עונג)
and the word for "plague" is nega (נגע),
which is based on the same root as oneg
but with the letters in a different order.
In such instances, the Rabbis teach that
there is a relationship between the two
concepts.
[5] Therefore, one goal of the recovery
process is to help the addict reverse the
process and move from "nega" to "oneg."
The Biblical book Song of Songs uses the
metaphor of a man and woman feeling
passionate love and joy, addressing the
natural love that the neshamah has
for Hashem. One of the first verses in
chapter 1 is
כי טובים דודך מיין,
"For your love is better than wine" (1:2).
On this verse, Rashi comments that
personally experiencing a relationship with
Hashem is better than any pleasure or joy.
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Daily Dose of Dov
Dov is sober in SA for 14 years. See his story
here.
Don't Get Stronger, Get More Help!
Just a suggestion, to a sweet yid who is
obviously moving in the right direction but still
hurting a bunch (like most of us here on this
heiligeh network):
Maybe instead of
throwing down anything like a 'gauntlet' to lust,
consider getting
more help than
before, with the understanding that you will not get
stronger.
I am not at
all stronger than I was a year ago! But be"H I am
safer than ever now, because I have more help now
than I have ever had. And it has been years since I
had to think things like, "was
that considered
a 'slip'?" How's that? Because I make more calls
when I feel off-balance now, not fewer calls;
I take far fewer risks
just to satisfy the false god in me called
'Desperate Curiosity'; my filter works better -
because I never test it;
I have less shame
about the truth about myself and my screwiness so I
have fewer secrets;
I have fewer stupid motivations inside me, so I have
fewer resentments and fears. I am 'lighter' today,
thank-G-d. I continue to "lose
extra weight"
as a result of working this recovery.
It takes time, and it
never ends till we are dead....kind of like Life -
because that's what it is!
I am not telling
anyone 'the way it is' - just sharing how it works
with me.
I do not get stronger and have no interest
whatsoever in 'getting stronger'. If you offered me
the ability to withstand all the tayva in the world,
I'd turn away in a second. I want a safety with G-d,
not 'power'. Otherwise, it begs the question, "Is my
struggle a big cosmic accident?" He is not like a
Superhero - running to 'save me' when I am in
trouble - ridiculous! Rather, all my problems are
only refuahs that look like
makkahs - ways given to me to grow closer to Him,
and only that.
|
|
|
1024. |
Wednesday ~ 7 Iyar,
5771 ~ May 11, 2011
|
|
In Today's Issue
- 3 Announcements:
In Relation to
Our Upcoming Trip
- 2 Other
Announcements: In
Relation to Our Phone Conferences
- Audio Link:
Free Podcasts on
Breaking Free
- Nachas Ruach
Treatment Model:
Excerpt 24: Concept 2, Part 6/6
- Daily Dose of Dov:
You've Already Won
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Announcements
3
Announcements in Relation to Our Upcoming Trip
1.
We will be traveling shortly on behalf of GYE. After
a day in NY, We will be spending a week in Los
Angeles, G-d willing. If anyone has suggestions of
who we should meet in LA, or anything else that can
help us make this trip a success, please
send us an e-mail. Tizke Lemitzvos!
~~~~~~~~~~~
2.
Since I will not be able to prepare chizuk e-mails
while traveling, we will be sending out RERUNS of
older Chizuk e-mails, beginning tomorrow.
~~~~~~~~~~~
3.
Sunday, May 15th, there will be a
high-end dinner in upstate New York on behalf of the
'Guard Your Eyes' organization, be"H. The renowned
author and addiction expert Rabbi / Dr. Avraham
Twerski will be speaking, and someone will tell over
their own personal story about how they were helped
by GYE. I will also be saying a few words, along
with the other speakers.
We are looking for partners to help us take our work
to the next level so we can reach out and help tens
of thousands of Jews around the world in both the
areas of "Treatment" and "Prevention". Seats at the
dinner are being sold beginning at $1000 a seat, and
we will also be selling part of the zechusim
(merits) for the many features of our network, such
as the daily chizuk e-mails that go out to thousands
of members, the handbooks, the new web-development,
the phone conferences, etc... as well as translating
and adapting our materials and services in Yiddish
for the Chassidish world, and in Hebrew for Israel.
If you, or someone you know, might be interested in
joining this historic evening, please
send us an e-mail for more details.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
2 Other
Announcements in Relation to Our Phone Conferences
1.
Last week, the 'Shmiras Einayim' Phone Conference
was at 7:15 Mon-Thurs, so
please note
the NEW time of 8:30, Mon-Thurs
(Sunday remains at 6:30 PM)
Dial in number: 712-432-0900
Participant PIN: 424479
(If you miss the call, you can dial 712-432-0990
and enter the code 424479 to hear a recording of the
last call.)
~~~~~~~~~~~
2.
GYE is happy to announce the launch of a new series
of phone conferences next week; Duvid Chaim - along
with his talmidim - and Dov (from the "Daily Dose of
Dov") will all be launching new cycles next week,
IY"H.
If you find it too difficult to make a
face-to-face SA meeting or you are concerned about
privacy and anonymity but you know that you would
benefit by working a 12 Step Program, then join our
anonymous phone fellowships; groups of men who share
your struggle. The 12-Step program is a proven
format used by millions of people around the world
who have, with G-d's help, found recovery and
freedom from their addiction. This program is a
proven method of success!
See
this page for more information on the many new
groups being launched next week.
See
this page for all of GYE's Phone Conferences;
the days, times and call in numbers.
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Category: Audio Links
Free Podcasts on breaking free of this addiction
Click Here
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The 'Nachas
Ruach' Treatment Model
Excerpt 24
Nachas Ruach: Torah-Based Psychotherapy and Tools
for Growth and Healing
The book can be purchased online via
this link
Torah Perspectives on the Twelve Steps
"Six Additional Torah Concepts to Supplement
the 12 Steps"
Concept 2: Part 6/6
2. Taste and see that God is good. Happy
is the man who trusts in Him - Psalms
34:9
The Torah's Position on the Pleasure
Principle or the Pursuit of Happiness
Chazal teach that in the last period before
Messiah "there will be a great battle
between the forces of holiness - kedushah
- and the profane, before the latter is
finally overcome."[1]
When viewed from a historical perspective,
we could conclude that Sigmund Freud almost
"got it" when he realized that the pleasure
principle had been overly repressed in early
twentieth-century culture and that this had
negative consequences for mental health. He
tried to legitimize the pleasure principle
and allow it to be expressed more and
repressed less. As a result, secular
Western society, which was highly influenced
by Freud's theories, encourages and models
negative ways to express the pleasure
principle, which are often destructive and
can lead to the development of addictions.
Contemporary society has in many ways gone
to the opposite extreme of what Freud was
reacting against. Freud had some basis to
his claim that the superego or conscience of
the "civilized man" of his time was too
strict. However, today it is clear that the
id or instinctual drives have gone out of
control after being released. This
consequence makes sense within the social
context of a liberal society that advocates
pleasure seeking and free expression and
where there are few limits or boundaries
set.
In contrast, the Torah view tries to
integrate the experience of pleasure
constructively within the framework of
sanctity or "kedushah." Yet it still
requires a committed Jew to work hard toward
achieving this ideal within the framework of
normative halachah. It is possible that the
current situation is in some way ironically
preparing the generation that has been given
so many opportunities to experiment with
different manifestations of the evil
inclination to ultimately re-channel
this energy back toward serving Hashem"with
all your heart."
The Rabbis taught that "the purpose of the
creation of this world is that the Holy One,
blessed be He, desired to have an
abode in the lower worlds."[2]
The previous Rebbe of Slonim, z"l,
wrote on the above teaching, "Hashem's
desire is to have an abode, particularly
in the lowest of the lowest world, and
that the physical passions be utilized to
fuel a holy fire (eish kodesh)."[3]
Here the Hebrew verb for "desire" (נתאוה)
is shown to be related to the root for
"passion." It might have been expected that
Hashem would have "willed" to have a place
in the lower world. By using the expression
"desired," it seems to be implying that just
as Hashem has a passionate desire to
paradoxically be in this world, we should
channel the passion from our "lower self"
that He has created for us, to serve Him in
a way that contributes to His Purpose being
actualized.
Such an encompassing commitment, "With all
your heart, with all your soul, and with all
your might" (Deuteronomy 5:5) may have some
aspects of being like a "positive
addiction," a concept coined by Dr. William
Glazer in his book on "reality therapy."[4]
From a Torah perspective, the strong desire
to achieve closeness to Hashem, which
is the root of observing all of the 248
positive mitzvos, and not feel distant from
Him, which is the root of not doing any of
the 365 prohibitions, is an important
motivation that leads to studying Torah and
doing mitzvos.[5]
In the final chapter of Hilchos Teshuvah,
the Rambam teaches the highest level is to
serve Hashem from love. The Rambam asks,
"What is the proper degree of love? That a
person should love God with a very great
exceeding love until his soul is bound up in
the love of God. Thus he will be always be
obsessed with this love, as if he is
lovesick... This concept was implied by
Shlomo HaMelech when he stated, as a
metaphor: ' I am lovesick.' Indeed, the
totality of the Song of Songs is a parable
describing this love."[6]
For instance, a Jew who is used to putting
on tefillin every morning and studying Torah
every day will feel something "missing" or a
sense of emptiness if for some reason he is
not able to do so one day, such as when
being in a state of anenus. The
strong yearning to always be close to Hashem
ultimately can and does enhance life, rather
than degrade it, as is true with negative
addictions.
ואתם הדבקים בה' חיים כולכם היום.
"But
you who cling to Hashem, your God - you are
all alive today."
(Deuteronomy 4:4)
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Daily Dose of Dov
Dov is sober in SA for 14 years. See his story
here.
You've Already Won
To someone who wrote that he feels like he is in a
slippery place, Dov posted:
Ashrecha! You have an ongoing, open-ended license to
'fall'. That will not go away. Even cutting off body
parts will not take it away, cuz there will always
be a way...
So, ashrecha
v'ashrecha that you are reaching out in time of pain
or trouble... What else do you expect to really do
after so much practice with hiding?
You have 'won' already, in my opinion.
Anyone can wish he'd
"finally quit and get better", but people make this
giant leap from the "silently aching and wishing stage",
to the "really wanting freedom"
stage, and some even expect to just automatically find themselves
at the "totally through-with-it and
giving-the-stupid-lust-up already" stage. I think
that's totally unrealistic, really.
It seems obvious to
me that had I not gone to meetings and talked out
the facts about myself and what I really want,
they'd have remained bottled up in my head and
never, ever had
a chance to become real - i.e. to become attached to
my behavior.
Feelings are cheap. And while talk is cheap as well,
there is something to 'hearing my own mouth describe me'
that does something.
It brings it a little step closer to the real
reality: my actions. When I consistently see it in
my actions,
I will know that it is coming at least a little bit from
my heart,
my ikkar - not just from my brain. Having a pretty
brain is nice, but anyone can
be no'eh doreish, right? For addicts and the like,
no'eh doreish was where it all stopped. Here on GYE,
we can share the unattractive stuff about ourselves
- the stuff about us that scares the h--- out
ourselves. (And sharing it with real, live people
helps us out even more!
Machshova, then dibbur, then ma'aseh... As it says:
"b'ficho - then bilvov'cha
la'asoso".
So take it easy,
trust Him to help you, and keep trucking (not
'fighting', trucking!)
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Trip to LA |
1025. |
Monday ~ 26 Iyar,
5771 ~ May 30, 2011
|
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In Today's Issue
- Yesod of Yesod:
And an Overview
of Our Recent Trip
- Personal Victories:
Serenity
- Nachas Ruach
Treatment Model:
Excerpt 25: Concept 3
- Daily Dose of Dov:
Prayer in the
Trenches
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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Yesod of Yesod -
And an Overview of our Recent Trip
Dear GYE community,
Today's Sefiras ha'Omer is Yesod of Yesod. The Zohar
calls Shmiras Habris "Yesod", meaning
"Foundation". The foundation of a building is
"underground" and no one sees it, yet it holds up
the entire building. Shmiras Habris is the
hidden part of the Jewish people. If the foundation
of our people is weak, then the whole spiritual
structure is in danger of collapse.
It is doubtful if there is any area today that needs
a bigger tikkun than Yesod. And as I'm sure you'll
agree, there is no other organization today in the
position of making a bigger tikkun in this area than
GuardYourEyes.
We just got back from our fifth trip to the U.S this
past year, and yet we're still far from reaching our
budget. We still need about another 100k to be able
to finally get down to work for 6 months straight to
rebuild the English website and network much more
professionally, and to build up the Hebrew and
Yiddish networks as well. We are also making a major
push now in the area of "Prevention" to try and
bring a program to the schools throughout the Jewish
world on how to protect and educate today's youth in
these sensitive areas.
Dinner in Monroe
Click link for pictures
Our first stop on the trip was the Satmar community
of Monroe. A few Chassidishe Yungeleit who are
excited about what we are doing set up a dinner on
our behalf to try and help us raise the budget to
make our network in Yiddish. Rabbi Dr. Avraham
Twerski came and spoke at the event (in Yiddish!),
and someone told over their own personal story about
how GYE saved their life and marriage. Although the
response at the dinner was enthusiastic, we only
raised an initial chunk of the Yiddish-GYE
Division's budget.
Los Angeles
Our second stop on this trip was Los Angeles, where
we met with over 30 Rabbanim, Askanim, Mechanchim
and Balabatim. Wherever we went the response was
overwhelmingly positive and enthusiastic. However,
we still only managed to raise a small portion of
our overall budget.
Please Help!
In this auspicious time of Yesod of Yesod, and in
the merit of Rav Shlomkeh Ze'viller whose Yartzeit
is today, we ask all those who can help us with a
donation to please do whatever they can (see
donation options below).
If you can't see
the image,
click here.
Rav Shlomkeh had open Ru'ach Hakodesh and extremely
holy vision. He worked his whole life on the aspect
of holiness and purity amongst Yidden, and with his
own hands--and at his own expense--he built many
Mikva'os in Eretz Yisrael. It was also known that he
would achieve many miracles and salvations for Klal
Yisrael through his immersions in the Mikvah. The
previous Belzer Rebbe called R' Shlomo the "Tzadik Yesod Olam"
even during his lifetime.
In his merit - and in this auspicious time, may we
be zoche to fix what needs to be fixed and help acheinu
b'nei Yisrael to maintain purity in today's
difficult environment.
Checks can be made out to 'GYE Corp.' and
mailed to:
GYE Corp. 3918 Fallstaff Rd. Baltimore, MD
21215
Online donations at www.guardyoureyes.org
To donate by credit card, please call
646-600-8100
GYE is a recognized 501(c)(3) organization and
donations are tax deductible.
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Category: Personal Victories
Serenity
A beautiful
share from Yosef C. who is sober in SA for almost 7
years.
B"H
I hugged my wife before leaving today.. And
Literally every single night of their lives (except
for when they are away with a relative), I go and
gently stroke my children's heads as they are
sleeping, and rub their back as they dream. One of
them used to really let out a big 'sigh of relief'
whenever I did it. He was about 5 At the time.
Recovery has blessed me with a sensitivity to 'be
present' emotionally for them (except for the really
stressful days when I tell them "Today Tatty needs a
time-out and I need to think about Hashem for a
little"; (of course my daughter still feels
completely justified for climbing on me even in
these times too... and I have no problem with it)..
I've learned to 'davka' look at them when I'm in a
good mood and take pleasure in whatever they're
doing (to a point obviously :-) so in their hearts
and minds they internalize deeeeeeep inside of them
that "Tatty is someone who is really happy with me:
he enjoys me... the world enjoys... 'Me'." BH this
approach is so far showing many many fruits.
Every day it's
permissible, I make a point to give my wife at least
one hug a day. I was never aware of just how much
she needs my complete affection. Soon in the middle
of my stress, when I hugged her, her complete calm
became so soothing for me (because I have zero
others I am hugging). It began to settle me as we
have a 'clear moment' amongst all the noise and
stress, we look into each other's eyes for a good
moment of connection. My goal is a happy family with
Hashem and yiddishkeit. We connect (and fight
sometimes :-)) and build a life as we are bound to
each other. I just walked in the door and
immediately sat down next to her so we can connect.
I am part of her life.. I love her... the children
are growing/succeeding (and B"H right now sleeping).
This is serenity... B"H.
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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The 'Nachas
Ruach' Treatment Model
Excerpt 25
Nachas Ruach: Torah-Based Psychotherapy and Tools
for Growth and Healing
The book can be purchased online via
this link
Torah Perspectives on the Twelve Steps
"Six Additional Torah Concepts to Supplement
the 12 Steps"
Concept 3
3. Rabban Gamliel used to say... Find
yourself a Rav - Pirkei Avos 1:16
The Twelve Step program encourages addicts
to work with "sponsors," other addicts in
more advanced stages of recovery who are
also participating in the group. They
provide guidance from the perspective of
someone who has been in the same position.
The program took a clear position that
"addicts helping addicts" is a fundamental
element in effective recovery. The Nachas
Ruach approach accepts this position but
also recommends that addicts in recovery
also try to develop a meaningful
relationship with a rabbi who has some
training in how to counsel in this area.
Over the years I have worked with many
rabbis who have provided important input.
One of the rationales for doing this is to
help the addict not be confined to working
only with addicts, which, despite its
importance, can also be limiting, especially
in the long term.
This recommendation is based on the
assumption that ideally every Jew
needs to be working on self-improvement and
doing teshuvah throughout his life.
This was mentioned in the Iggeres
HaRamban. The Nachas Ruach approach
believes that understanding addiction as a
disease is similar to understanding the evil
inclination, as taught by the Torah and
Chazal. Such traits as selfishness,
stubbornness, rebellion against authority,
and not considering future consequences are
often aspects of the addictive personality.[1]
Therefore, trained rabbis with the "right
style" have the potential to relate to the
addict from the perspective of the Torah's
wisdom regarding man's basic nature,
including the ongoing conflict between the
good and evil inclinations. In Chassidut,
this struggle is viewed in a deeper way as
being related to the conflict between the
"Divine soul" and the "animal soul."[2]
A positive "working relationship" with a
rabbi is also a means to potentially help
the addict in recovery integrate more into
the "mainstream" Jewish community. This is
necessary because the Twelve Step movement
often becomes the primary and sometimes only
social framework for the addict. Again,
while accepting that recovery involves a
long-term commitment to continue to
participate in the program, the Nachas Ruach
approach sees the possibility and value of
the addict having a social identity that
isn't only based on his addiction,
which at some point can be overly
restrictive or narrowing for him.
Beyond that, the Twelve Step groups do not
usually provide a Jewish social context for
the Jewish addict. One technical problem of
the Twelve Steps is that the meetings often
take place in a social hall in a church
setting. Connecting with a rabbi and a
community can help the Jewish addict feel
less rejected, stigmatized, and isolated
from the larger Jewish community and
experience recovery in a setting that
acknowledges that Jews can also have
problems with addiction.
The Chai program also avoids some of the
halachic problems that are part of Twelve
Step meetings. The groups do not include
males and females together, and therefore
avoid the problems of maintaining modesty
that sometimes arise in regular groups.
Therefore, the traditional "group hug" would
be possible in the separate male and female
groups. The "serenity prayer," which is
often said out loud at the end of meetings,
in the Jewish context is addressed to
Hashem, rather than to "the Lord," as in the
non-Jewish source of this prayer.
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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Daily Dose of Dov
Dov is sober in SA for 14 years. See his story
here.
Prayer in the Trenches
Through the day I often just say "Help me" to Him,
and speak to Him a few times over the course of a
normal day, at least in short phrases like "Help"
and the random, "Thank-You".
Anything longer is
not practical for me 'in the trenches', so I keep is
as simple as possible.
Before "Modeh Ani", I
ask Him to "please help me be Yours today."
The longer versions
of prayers are nicer for me when I have time, like
during or after a meal, or a mincha or ma'ariv, etc.
I like seeing meaning
in a posuk and schlepping it with me through at
least a part of the day.
What Chaza"l wrote for us in the nusach of tefilah
expresses our deepest needs and desires, though we
might not be aware of it.
And our own begging
and speaking to Hashem reflects what we are aware we
need, here in the darkness of the golus inside our
bodies.
We are yidden. We
have always done both.
(See the Me'iri on
the sugya of t'fillas haderech in b'rachos. He
explains that the tefillos haderech and suchh that
chaza"l composed were just springboards for every
yid to make up his own words and express his present
needs to Hashem in an open and honest way.)
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1026. |
Tuesday ~ 27 Iyar,
5771 ~ May 31, 2011
|
|
In Today's Issue
- Inspiration:
No Step Goes to
Waste
- Q & A:
A Higher Drive?
- Nachas Ruach
Treatment Model:
Excerpt 26: Concept 4
- Daily Dose of Dov:
The Moment of
Truth
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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Category: Inspiration
No Step Goes
to Waste
Every time you say "no" to your obsessions, it is
priceless. It's another step up, and no step goes to
waste. Remember this parable: Even if someone is
heading out to the other side of town and on the way
he slips on the ice, all he needs to do it just get
up and continue. But slipping never takes a person
all the way back home. Even if you slip, you are still
where you were when you fell.
You just need to stand yourself up and continue on
from where you left off... JUST DON'T STAY ON THE
FLOOR!
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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Category: Q & A
A Higher
Drive?
An excerpt
sent to us from a website on breaking porn addiction
Q: "I can't stop. My sex drive is much
higher than the average person."
A: Most people who are addicted to
pornography claim they are more sexual than the
average person thereby rationalizing their need to
rely upon porn. In most cases their sexual batteries
are charged up because of
their behavior, focusing on the sex act for many
hours a day, and not their genetics.
While people may naturally have varying degrees of
sexual engery, pornography addiction can greatly
increase this kind of behavior.
As long as you are using porn and feeding the
monster (or habit), it will continue to feel like it
has control over you.
It is possible for you (and all of us) to get to a
place of more "normal" sexuality. If we removed porn
from our lives entirely for a couple of years, your
sexual energy would become more natural and
balanced..
There is a saying that goes something like "what you
think about expands" which is related to another
quote "you can judge a tree by it's fruits."
This applies directly to porn addiction. If you feed
your addiction every day, take care of it, nurture
it, and spend time (sometimes hours a day), you can
bet it's going to take up a good root in your head,
and after a while, you're going to think it was
always there, a part of you. In reality, it isn't
you at all, you've just been feeding and taking care
of it till it can overcome you whenever it wants.
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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The 'Nachas
Ruach' Treatment Model
Excerpt 26
Nachas Ruach: Torah-Based Psychotherapy and Tools
for Growth and Healing
The book can be purchased online via
this link
Torah Perspectives on the Twelve Steps
"Six Additional Torah Concepts to Supplement
the 12 Steps"
Concept 4
4.
And the study of Torah is equivalent to
them all - Maseches Shabbos 127
Beyond establishing a relationship with a
rabbi and a community, the Nachas Ruach
approach also asserts that addicts can
benefit from the study of Torah. Chazal
teach, "I created the evil inclination and I
created the Torah as an antidote to it."[1]
Working for many years as a clinical
psychologist in the area of Torah-based
prisoner rehabilitation in Israel, I
observed the often powerful and transforming
impact Torah had on this difficult
population, who usually also had problems
with addictions. Learning Torah gave this
group a new "world view" and a clear
framework in which to develop a new
identity, lifestyle, and value system based
on the foundation of "fear of Heaven" or
yiras Shamayim. Torah study in this
context means learning Torah in the general
sense (studying the weeklyTorahreading,
halachah, Midrash, Mishnah,Gemara,
and also learning aspects of Torah,
such as mussar (ethics), that is
specifically relevant to the situation and
the needs of the addict, e.g., anger
management.
In addition to establishing a relationship
with a rabbi, as was stressed in Concept 3,
Torah is preferably studied with another
person, a chavrusa. The root of this
word is the same as the root of the word
"friend." Behaviors that develop into
addictions often started as a result of peer
pressure to be "part of the group." In this
context, learning Torah with a chavrusa
is a constructive social experience that
helps the addict develop positive
friendships. This clearly is an important
need, as is taught in Pirkei Avos
(1:6): "Acquire for yourself a friend."
In a good relationship with any chavrusa,
part of the interaction also involves
informal chatting or "schmoozing." Thus,
there is also the potential for the addict
to begin to feel safe enough to share his
inner world with a friend who is not an
addict himself and to speak openly with him
about his inner struggles as a way to reduce
the power of the yetzer hara. This
approach was advocated by Noam Elimelech.
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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Daily Dose of Dov
Dov is sober in SA for 14 years. See his story
here.
The Moment of Truth
It is just plain truth that the drunk laying in his
own vomit in the street after being thrown out of
his home for so long that he cannot remember his
kids' names, is actually one of the luckiest people
in the whole world - at the moment that he clearly
and finally realizes that he does not really have to
drink any more. That he really cannot fight it ever
again, but can still be freed of it and live without
it. That there is such a thing as a G-d in the world
with him, and that He can help him....the drunk.
That drunks like him do get
sober.
I believe that the
poor prusteh, inner city homeboy who is hopelessly
hooked on heroin, prostitutes, and crack, goes
through the same exact process that a 'white-collar'
lust addict goes through. The recovery is exactly
the same for the Rov of a shul who I know
who was doing the very same stuff as that heathen.
No difference between yid and goy at
all,
at this stage. That is why I have hugged and cried
with them as brothers in this, just as I have with
sweet yidden with this machalah. It is the same letting
go, no difference. The same pain.
The same desperation
for 'just another chance to try and manage his life with my
sweet pacifier' comes back and tortures us.
G-d offers his friendship and love to each person.
Most people do not take it, because
they do not need it!
They are 'millionaires' - they have what they need
to be comfortable. Yet we addicts struggle to get
what we need - we just cannot be satisfied with this
life! We seem to be programmed with a big hole in
our gut that normal, run-of-the-mill life cannot
fill. And others waste their time telling us that
normal life should fill
us. Well, it doesn't.
And the sooner we
agree to stop trying to
live a 'normal' life (only externally, of course) -
and finding it unbearable - the sooner we start to
finally get better.
As long as you stay
in the truth, ignoring whether it sounds honorable
or not, Hashem will put His signature on everything
you try to do, and really help you. Chessed shel Emess.
His Chessed, for your Emess.
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1027. |
Wednesday ~ 28 Iyar,
5771 ~ June 1, 2011
|
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In Today's Issue
- Testimonials:
I Learned Here
That it Can Be Done
- Nachas Ruach
Treatment Model:
Excerpt 27: Concept 5
- Daily Dose of Dov:
Giving It Up -
Even Though We Can't
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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Category: Testimonials
I Learned Here
That it Can Be Done
Dear Guard,
I just want to let you know that B"H I am 172 days
clean on the internet and I owe you and everyone
involved with this great organization a tremendous
hakaras hatov for helping me get started. Just to
give a little background since my childhood I have
always struggled with this problem and like many,
once the internet took off my problem grew out of
control. I had particular trouble at work being
exposed to a computer with no filters at all. Over
the last 5 years this problem had begun to get worse
and worse. I had many ups and downs, and over the
years the "up" periods were becoming shorter and
shorter and the "down" periods longer and longer. I
began to feel that my life was just going to go this
way forever and there was no way out of it.
Sometime last summer I stumbled upon the
guardyoureyes website and I signed up for the daily
emails and I read the Attitude book and the Handbook
and I began to absorb the idea that there is hope
and that breaking out of this is not impossible.
Around last Elul my road to recovery really began as
I had a 29 day clean period, then a stumble for a
few weeks, then a 42 day clean period, then a
stumble for a few weeks, and then finally the 172
day clean period that I am in now which I hope
will last ad meah v'esrim. I asked my IT staff at
work to filter my computer, and this has made a huge
difference for me as well.
I think the main thing I have gained from
guardyoureyes is that THIS CAN BE DONE if one wants
it enough.
Something else that I also know is true for me - I
can't just give up the "real bad stuff" and still
read secular newspapers and think everything will be
okay. The secular newspapers have to go because
little slips tend to become big falls. I have also
noticed, probably like many, that my learning is
much improved. Instead of secular newspapers I
listen to Rabbi Shafier's Shmuz pod to and from work
and I am getting tremendous chizuk from that as
well.
While I am quite happy about these successes I know
I still need to work on my eyes when I walk in the
street. For just the last few days I have begun
taking my glasses off when I get out of the subway
(as my eyesight is "Baruch Hashem" quite bad) and I
think this is helping as well. I pray that Hashem
continues to give me the strength to fight this
battle.
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The 'Nachas
Ruach' Treatment Model
Excerpt 27
Nachas Ruach: Torah-Based Psychotherapy and Tools
for Growth and Healing
The book can be purchased online via
this link
Torah Perspectives on the Twelve Steps
"Six Additional Torah Concepts to Supplement
the 12 Steps"
Concept 5
5. You shall be Holy, for Holy am I,
Hashem your God - Leviticus 19:2
This concept expands upon the third step in
the Twelve Step program, where one turns his
or her life over to a Higher Power; the
Torah emphasizes that the Torah connects how
we are to live to a Higher Power, which
implies a higher purpose. As mentioned in
Concept 2, the Torah recognizes the
necessity to express one's physical needs in
an appropriate way. However, the pursuit of
self-gratification is notan end in
itself. The Torah teaches that we should
strive to connect all of our actions to the
"higher purpose" of sanctifying life. "Being
Holy" is a major principle in Judaism:
וידבר ה' אל משה לאמור: דבר אל כל בני
עדת ישראל ואמרת אליהם קדשים תהיו כי קדוש אני
ה' אלוקיכם,
"God spoke to Moshe, saying: Speak to the
entire congregation of the Children of the
Israel, and say to them 'You shall be Holy,
for Holy am I, Hashem Your God' " (Leviticus
19:2).
Rashi emphasizes that this part of the Torah
was taught to all Am Yisrael who had
assembled together because the "majority of
the essentials of the Torah are dependent on
it" (Rashi on Leviticus 19:2).
Rabbi Dr. Leo Levi, former dean of Machon
Lev in Jerusalem and president of the
Association of Orthodox Jewish Scientists,
writes: "The Torah commands us to be
kadosh, "holy." What does this mean?
When applied to an object, kadosh
means that it is set aside for a certain
elevated purpose. Similarly, then, our duty
to be holy means that we must view ourselves
as dedicated to a higher purpose, that we do
not drift along in our life, driven by
momentary inclinations and desires, but
rather adopt a higher goal and devote
ourselves to it. According to Viktor
Frankl's logotherapy, it is exactly the lack
of such purpose in life which is responsible
for much of today's mental illness. In these
cases, the mitzvah of kedushah is the
obvious cure - and preventative."
[1]
An example of this is that the Torah,
unlike non-Jewish perspectives that extolled
celibacy as the ideal state, views marriage
as the highest goal for all, including the
High Priest. Viewing marriage as
kiddushin implies that the marital
relationship and commitment is not just
"civil," but also holy, and it provides a
framework within which the Divine Presence
or Shechinah can dwell if that
relationship is worthy.
In summary, when analyzing the relationship
between the Twelve Steps and Torah, one
important distinction is that while the
program shows one how to stay clean,
Torah-based recovery goes a step beyond and
teaches deeper reasons why it is
important to be clean in a world that has so
many temptations.
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Daily Dose of Dov
Dov is sober in SA for 14 years. See his story
here.
Giving It Up - Even Though We Can't
Dov discusses the 1st Step (of the 12)
Our acting-out our own lust ends up becoming the
very source of our refuah, itself. Of course, it
starts out being our very best, most precious
best friend - even though we also hate it - and
we protect it vigilantly with our lies, hiding,
faking being decent frum guys. In the meantime,
we struggle all on our own in secret. The reason
we stick with that method is really because
while we have so much shame about admitting it
to anyone, we also have so much pride that we still fantasize
that we can beat it (can any idea be more
hair-brained?). We also keep it private to
protect it! Secrecy allows the fox (us) to keep
guarding the henhouse (our habit)! That way we
are guaranteed to fail - or to cut-and-run as
soon as we taste some success - and still be
able to keep our sweet precious lust friend. And
it really is sweet
and precious to us all, and you and I both know
it. Right?
But as time goes on and we get into more pain
and more trouble from our acting out, it
eventually stops being such a good friend,
and the familiar bitterness grows. Lust and sex
with self (and others) stops working for us so
well. That is when we have a chance at actually
playing the 'brave apikoress' and betraying our
sweet friend. We start to consider giving it up!
Not 'stopping' or 'quitting' -
we have all done that hundreds of times, right?
But at this point, we are becoming ready to give
it up. Until then, our tefilos
(with tears!) to Hashem were actually cowardly
and we meant: "Hashem, take it away so that I
will not have to suffer giving it up...cuz I
really can't imaging living without it. So
please, please help me!" That does not work. We
do not get progressive freedom that way, do we?
Our acting out itself leads us to this stage. As
an alkie once said: I needed every drink I took,
in order to bring me to this point, to my knees.
Giving it up - surrender - is completely
different than anything we tried to do, before.
We sadly recognize that surrendering our habit
will take a miracle. We will need G-d,
for a change. Yeah, till now we had 'emunah',
faith, whatever...but we never really trusted
Him with the whole job. This time, we know we
cannot do a thing about our problem without His
help. Without His direct help, we will fail,
guaranteed. These are not just words, you know,
like the 'words' we all say about "having
bitachon in Hashem to help with our parnossah
and depending on Him..." the party line we all
believe in. This is for keeps and is either real
and it works - or it is still fakerai, and it
doesn't. And it will take a lot of help to keep
us on that derech. We will need His help through
people. Changing a habit of years that also has
hormones behind it and a culture, porn food, and
a well-practiced fantasy engine will not be
something in the realm of human possibility at
all. We will need help. And I know dozens of
people - Jews and gentiles, educated and
religious and uneducated and unimpressed with
spirituality - who are sober. Hashem helps us
and does what we cannot do for ourselves.
The first part of the first step is the inner
giving up of our fight and agreeing to get
help cuz our own track record proves beyond a
shadow of a doubt that we are losers when it
comes to lust. We admit we
cannot successfully enjoy and control it, as we
were so sure we could for so very long. It's
tragic for us, indeed, really. But it's the
truth. Now, this is not a mitzvah of some sort.
I feel strongly that recovery is not a religion
nor is it a place for dogma. There is nothing
'righteous' about coming to this admission, so
we need not try to convince anyone that they are
powerless. Not even ourselves! Either we believe
it is true, or we do not. There is no
'advantage' to being powerless - recognizing the
truth is advantageous, that's it.
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1028. |
Thursday ~ 29 Iyar,
5771 ~ June 2, 2011
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In Today's Issue
- Testimonials:
Zeh Le'Umas Zeh
-
Attitude &
perspective: The Cliff Parable
- Nachas Ruach
Treatment Model:
Excerpt 28: Concept 6 - Part 1/3
- Daily Dose of Dov:
Two Ways to the
Good Life
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Category: Testimonials
Zeh
Le'Umas Zeh
By "Blind
Beggar"
It's the beginning of June. There are billions of
women in the Northern Hemisphere who are putting on
their revealing summer clothes for the next few
months. This happened last year too.
But there are
hundreds of Jewish men who are going to guard their
eyes much better this summer than any other other
summer in the past. This
is all because of the heilige GuardYourEyes network!
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Category: Attitude & Perspective
The Cliff
Parable
Sent to us by R.C.M from
innergold.com's forum
Finding sobriety in Pornography and Sexual Addiction
is something that is being sought by more people
every day. I have seen many people sob wanting to
get better. I have heard people say, "Why can't it
just go away!" "Why do I keep falling!?" "It's like
I am two different people...One side of me hates
this, yet I keep coming back to it." The statements
can go on and on. The most powerful experience an
addict can have is arriving at the point of
SURRENDER. Once the concept of surrender has been
ingrained in ones heart and life, healing CAN and
WILL occur. Many are looking for a quick fix or
something easy for recovery...it just doesn't work
that way. Don't get me wrong... THERE IS hope in
gaining sobriety and many do get better. For these
reasons I have written this short example called
"THE CLIFF."
Imagine life's experiences and choices taking you to
the bottom of a tall cliff. You MUST climb this
cliff, there is no way around it. You say, "I can
climb that. I can do it on my own...I am strong
enough." You try and try but keep falling. It hurts
when you fall. Your pain often hurts others around
you at times. This pain from falling from the cliff
begins to effect all aspects of your life. There is
a huge city at the base of the cliff. Many onlooker
say, "Just live your life without climbing, that's
what we have done." Others say, "Climbing the cliff
is too hard. It is normal to just keep falling off
of it. Just give up." There have been many days you
have given in but you keep coming back, wanting to
climb the cliff. YOU KNOW DEEP INSIDE YOU MUST CLIMB
IT! You tell yourself you are strong and can do it
on your own! You must climb the cliff! "I don't need
help! I just need to climb harder!" For some people
they fall off the cliff so many times they may
become numb to the pain. Finally one day, bloodied
and broken you exclaim, "After all this time I still
have not climbed the cliff. No matter how hard I
try, I keep falling. I NEED HELP! PLEASE HELP ME."
At that moment someone comes and says,
"Here are tools. Rope, spikes, climbing boots, a
path, pulleys, pitons, belays. Use the tools every
day. I will teach you how to climb. Climbing this
cliff will be hard at times. Some days will be easy,
others will be difficult. You may slip at times but
if you follow what I taught, you will notice your
ropes will hold and you can continue moving upward.
There will be times where you may get overconfident
but this is dangerous as well. It does get easier
after time because of the new effective habits you
gain. Some have become complacent after time on the
cliff and then ignore these tools, thinking they are
beyond the need of the tools now...they always fall.
Stay confident but humble. Always respect the cliff.
Never give up. Use the tools every day for the rest
of your life. After time, you will realize that the
cliff has simply become a part of life, no longer
the daunting obstacle that left you bloodied and
broken."
This humble acceptance of the process of recovery is
what Surrender is. I hope this story confirms the
path you are on or opens your eyes if you are still
debating starting the path of recovery. REMEMBER
SURRENDER. You cannot do this alone.
GYE has put together the worlds most
effective set of tools and teachings in addiction
recovery. Hundreds are climbing the cliff.
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The 'Nachas
Ruach' Treatment Model
Excerpt 28
Nachas Ruach: Torah-Based Psychotherapy and Tools
for Growth and Healing
The book can be purchased online via
this link
Torah Perspectives on the Twelve Steps
"Six Additional Torah Concepts to Supplement
the 12 Steps"
Concept 6: Part 1/3
6. Do not return to Egypt... -
Deuteronomy 17:16
This concept deals with issues related to
relapse prevention. It views the status of a
"slave in Egypt" as also being a metaphor
for other forms of slavery, including the
addictive experience. Just as the Jewish
people were slaves to the Egyptians
physically, emotionally, and spiritually,
addicts are also enslaved to the object of
their addiction.
One similarity between Egypt and the
addictive experience is that when the Jews
first came to Egypt, they were invited by
Pharaoh himself to live in the best part of
the country:
וקחו את אביכם ואת בתיכם ובאו אלי ואתנה לכם
את טוב ארץ מצרים ואכלו את חלב הארץ,
"Bring your father and your households and
come to me. I will give you the best of the
land of Egypt and you will eat the fat of
the land"
(Genesis 45:18).
Later, Am Yisrael became fully
enslaved in Egypt through a gradual process,
without fully realizing what was happening
until it was too late. Chazal teach that
until this time, no slave had ever been able
to leave Egypt. The addictive experience is
similar in that what the addict later
becomes addicted to was often initially
experienced as being positive or
helpful. For example, a teenager who felt
insecure at high school parties learnt that
drinking alcohol and getting drunk would
help him or her to feel more confident. In
its early stages, using drugs, gambling,
overeating, and sexual acting out might
provide the sense of being a positive
solution. Unfortunately, in most cases these
behaviors turn out to be only pseudo or
false solutions, or even illusions that lead
to even deeper difficulties, without ever
addressing the cause of the initial
problems.
A basic goal of the Twelve Step program is
relapse prevention. The ideal goal of the
program is to maintain total abstinence "one
day at a time" for your whole life. However,
addicts are obviously often tempted t o
resume the shackles of their addiction. It
is clear that there are many forces
influencing the addict to "use" again. The
Torah also understood the inclination of the
Jewish people who clamored to return
to the site of their former enslavement. It
is interesting that the Torah will later
actually forbid a Jewish king to allow Jews
go back to Mitzrayim: "So that he [the king]
will not bring the people back to
Egypt...for Hashem said to you: You shall
not return on this road again" (Deuteronomy
17:16).
The Rambam includes this in the list of
negative mitzvos (number 42) listed in
Sefer HaMitzvos.
[1]
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Daily Dose of Dov
Dov is sober in SA for 14 years. See his story
here.
Two Ways to the Good life
If I do whatever it takes to remain sober (like:
admit to myself that I want to do something
dangerous and stupid, surrender my right to do
it, make a call and admit the goofy idea to
another [safe] person, ask Hashem to take it
away from me, and then let successfully go of it
through His personal, direct Chessed to me),
and do not act out, then the
fact that I got that powerful
desire and passed through the really
horrible pain of letting it go - all that brings
me to a new freedom and love of Hashem that I
could not have even imagined, before.
And on the other
hand, if I do
act out c"v,
then it brings me to greater hachno'oh because I
suffer the torture of the misery that comes with
the insanity and stupidity that lusting brings
me to. People become more useless, unworthy, and
stupid than ever in my eyes; my family and job
become as obstacles to my peace of mind and
happiness - it's all everyone else's
fault....these are the wages of acting out. And
they make me miserable.
When I get fed up
with the misery and isolation that my acting out
brings me to, then I will start looking for
help. And that is great!
So, either path
is good for me.
As Chazal say,
"Ashrei l'mi sheparnasaso boosmi -
oy lo sheparnasaso boors'ki.
- Happy is he whose trade is with perfume, woe
to him whose trade is with tanning skins" (which
smells horrid).
They are both
ultimately ways I will come to 'the good life'.
But I'd rather choose the nicer way, personally.
And going to meetings and being zocheh to see others crash
and burn helps me tremendously - they are doing
it for me.
As long as I do not look down on them at all,
but rather feel in my heart, "that
could/should have been me!",
it will help me. I actually grow from
other peoples' mistakes.
We are the same - I do not deserve to
be sober at all, either!
Same thing when I
get a crazy desire. It proves to me how sick I
really am, and reminds me that I do need
special measures cuz I am indeed not normal.
It is a tremendous chizzuk for my need for
honesty and closeness with Hashem and people. It
gets me serious about recovery again - like a
'bris chadoshoh' that Yirmiyahu hanavi refers
to.
Ashrei for the
sick person who lives like one and takes care
accordingly. Nebach for the sick one who treats
himself like any normal person... (of course we
all do that at times).
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1029. |
Friday ~ 1 Sivan,
5771 ~ June 3, 2011
Rosh Chodesh Sivan, Erev Shabbos Parshas Naso
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In Today's Issue
- Audio Link:
Adolescent
Temptation - What Parents & Schools Need to Know
-
Rosh Chodesh
Sivan: Torah in the Desert
- Nachas Ruach
Treatment Model:
Excerpt 29: Concept 6 - Part 2/3
- Daily Dose of Dov:
Our Goal Should Be
True Growth & True Love
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Category: Audio Link
Adolescent Temptations:
What Parents & Schools/Yeshivas Need to Know and Do
When Rabbi Twerski came to speak at
our recent dinner in Monroe, we asked him what
steps can be taken to protect today's youth from
these terrible nisyonos. He responded that he will
be giving a talk on this subject in just a few days
and that he'll send us the link. We are happy to
present you with the link to this precious talk
(click the title above), which is filled with
wisdom, tips and eitzos for Mechanchim, Parents and
even for us in our own struggle.
The full MP3 can be downloaded at
this link
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Category: Torah Thoughts, Rosh Chodesh Sivan
Torah In
The Desert
"Bayom Hazeh Ba'u Midbar Sinai
- on this day, they
came to the desert of Sinai". Chazal
say (Shabbos
86b) that
we arrived at Midbar Sinai on Rosh Chodesh Sivan,
TODAY.
The next Pasuk repeats: "Va'yisu
Merifidim, Vayavo'u Midbar Sinai - And
they traveled from Refidim, and they came to the
dessert of Sinai".
The Torah ties the two together.
Me'refidim
- "from Refidim" can also be
understood in the context of "through
Refidim". We need to travel through
our weakness/powerlessness" (as the word "Refidim /
Rafu" implies), in order to get to
Midbar Sinai - that true connection with Hashem. By
"traveling" through the journey of our weakness we
are able to arrive at Midbar Sinai.
The Zohar in Parshas Tetzava brings an encounter
between R' Shimon Bar Yochai and a old Holy Jew who
came out of the dessert. R' Shimon asked him why he
had been in the dessert and he replied that he
dwells there the whole year round and learns Torah,
explaining that he did this because the dessert
belongs to the Sitrah Achrah. Therefore, by serving
Hashem there, he was subjugating the "other" side.
And the old man went on to say how the Torah
can only settle in the dessert, for the
following reason (here are the words of the Zohar
translated):
For there is no light besides that which comes
out of darkness. And when the "other" side
is subjugated, the Master of the World
is elevated and his honor is increased. And avodas
Hashem can only be through darkness, and there can
be no good, only though bad. And when a person goes
into a bad path and then leaves it, the Master of
the World's honor is elevated. And therefore, the
"Shleimus" (completion) of everything, is good and
bad together - and then to leave to the (side of)
good. And there can be no good but that which comes
through bad, and from such good, Hashem is elevated.
And this is called an "avodah shleimah" (a complete
service of Hashem).
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The 'Nachas
Ruach' Treatment Model
Excerpt 29
Nachas Ruach: Torah-Based Psychotherapy and Tools
for Growth and Healing
The book can be purchased online via
this link
Torah Perspectives on the Twelve Steps
"Six Additional Torah Concepts to Supplement
the 12 Steps"
Concept 6: Part 2/3
6. Do not return to Egypt... -
Deuteronomy 17:16
One of the common reasons that addicts
relapse after being clean for a significant
period of time is that they go back into
denial, or begin remembering again positive
aspects of "being active." The Torah also
describes the Jewish people as having
distorted or "selective memory," which means
remembering only the positive but not the
negative aspects of what was clearly an
aversive experience. Thus, as we see in
Exodus 16:3 regarding their experience of
being slaves in Egypt, Am Yisrael
cried out: "If only we had died by the Hand
of Hashem in the land of Egypt, as we sat by
the pot of meat, when we ate bread to
satiety, for You have taken us out of this
wilderness to kill this entire congregation
by famine."
After leaving Egypt, the Jews were in the
desert for forty years before entering the
promised land. Being in the desert
subsequently becomes a powerful metaphor to
describe the ambivalence and fears of many
addicts after beginning recovery and
"leaving Egypt." While in the desert, they
are often in conflict between "going back to
Egypt" - relapse - or going forward toward
full recovery to "the promised land":
"Isn't this the statement that we made to
you in Egypt, saying, 'Let us be and we will
serve Egypt, for it is better that we should
serve Egypt than we should die in the
wilderness" (Exodus 14:12).
One of the difficulties of being in the
desert or the wilderness is that it requires
a person to be in a situation of uncertainty
or ambiguity, and there is a natural
tendency for people to "drift back" to a
known situation, even if this is a "negative
place," rather than stay in a new or unknown
situation.[1]
One practical implication of this
understanding is that addicts and people in
general need to develop real and relevant
personal positive goals to give them the
motivation and strength to avoid slipping
back to Egypt.
The Twelve Step approach emphasizes that
even someone clean for ten years must remind
himself every day that he still is an addict
in recovery and must continue living
according to the principles of the program.
This aspect of the program goes against the
natural tendency and need for people who
feel that they have been able to solve
problems to forget about them. This might be
true in many situations, but when an addict
does this, experience shows that he is
already beginning to move closer to a
relapse. The Torah also stresses that the
remembrance of leaving Egypt on an ongoing
basis (zecher l'yetzias Mitzrayim)
and views it as a fundamental concept that
is the foundation of faith and trust in God.
For example, the Chazal incorporated the
third paragraph of Shema prayer that
is recited twice a day, in order that we
should fulfill the commandment to recall the
exodus from Egypt daily. In addition,
the tefillin that a Jew wears every morning
contain verses associated with leaving
Egypt. Also, beyond mentioning yetzias
Mitzrayim on a daily basis, the three
major festivals - Pesach, Shavuos,
and Sukkos - are all related to different
aspects of leaving Egypt. On Shabbos, the
remembrance of leaving Egypt is incorporated
into the evening Kiddush.
In addition to the above, there is a custom
to recite six verses that need to be
remembered on a daily basis after the
morning prayer has been concluded. The first
of these six verses is:
למען תזכור את יום צאתך מארץ מצרים כל
ימי חייך,
"So that you will remember the day of your
departure from the land of Egypt all
the days of your life" (Deuteronomy 16:3).
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Daily Dose of Dov
Dov is sober in SA for 14 years. See his story
here.
Our Goal Should Be True Growth & True Love
Recovery for a sex and lust addict is not about g'darim,
but about sanity. G'darim, and
boundaries in general, are indispensable for
allowing G-d to give me freedom from lust, but they
are not recovery itself. They are only a
tool. It's like breathing is to living: Sobriety
is like breathing, while recovery is living.
Is our goal in life just breathing?
True, for a man
coming out of an iron lung, or with terrible
asthma, breathing may indeed be the overriding,
most prominent goal of his life...but we all
hope that this mode will come to an end and that
he will eventually be able to appreciate and
focus on things like eating, working, having a
family, yiddishkeit, you know - living!
I work in a hospital and have come to know many
sick people who have made the central focus of
all their waking moments their own survival.
Maybe I'd be like that if I'd be that sick
(which I might be), but hope not...
I have seen the
same in recovery. Constant focus on g'darim and
shunning true growth and living free of the
terror of acting-out. And I have seen the same
in yiddishkeit, particularly among ba'alei
teshuvah (like me). Obsession with a particular
struggle, issue, or mitzvah and a sad loss of
balance. No grasp of the 'big picture' of living
as a Jew. Does anyone know what I mean?
Therefore, what I
as a sexaholic need to come to really know is love,
instead of lust.
Real appropriate love: for other men, for Klal
Yisroel, for Hashem - and for my wife.
Real sexuality has very little (or maybe even
nothing) to do with lust. It is satisfying -
lust is not. It focuses on giving - lust does
not. I do not need to do it
right now - lust I need. Real sexuality
brings simcha and leads to more simcha
and unity - lust often brings
shame and always leads to more
expectation, separation, and pain.
So that is why -
as part of my recovery from the tyranny of lust
- I try to see intimacy with my wife as a way to
appreciate her more as a person. I know that
doing that is the only way for me to come to
know real love and real sexuality, and become
even more free
of lust.
It is all about
timing. May Hashem help us work on what we are ready for
and move mechayil el choyil in recovery and
living, one day at a time. Help us experience
real loving for a change, by
doing it,
so that we will come to know that what we
accepted before was
a counterfeit that we do not need at all any
more!
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1030. |
Sunday ~ 3 Sivan,
5771 ~ June 5, 2011
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In Today's Issue
- Announcement:
Shmiras Ainayim
Conference Numbers
-
Member's Chizuk,
12-Step:The
Insight
- Nachas Ruach
Treatment Model:
Excerpt 30: Concept 6 - Part 3/3
- Daily Dose of Dov:
I Stopped Trying
to Change the Little Lady
- Audio Link:
Adolescent
Temptation - Rabbi Twerski Audio
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Announcement
Shmiras
Ainayim Conference Changing Numbers
PLUS
- A NEW EARLIER CALL!
Download the last 25 Shmiras Ainayim Shiurim HERE
Our popular nightly Shmiras Ainayim phone
conference call is changing phone numbers starting
from tomorrow, Monday June 6.
The New
Number of the 8:30 PM call:
605-477-2100
Code
471561#
Times
Sun: 6:30
PM
Mon-
Thurs: 8:30 PM
To hear a
playback of the last shiur:
605-477-2199
Same Code
471561#
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
There is
also now an earlier call at 4:45 PM, Mon-Thurs, for
those who can't make the 8:30 PM call:
The
number is:
209-647-1000
Participant Code: 616701#
To hear a
playback of the last shiur:
209-647-1999
Same
code: 616701#
The
earlier call focuses on chizuk divided between
shmiras ainayim & chinuch in today's world.
To see a chart of all our phone conferences,
click here.
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Category: Member's Chizuk, 12-Step
The Insight
By "Eye.Nonymous"
SEEMINGLY GETTING
NOWHERE
I feel silly that although I am a veteran on Duvid
Chaim's calls,
when I'm on the street, my eyes dart everywhere, and
this doesn't seem to have changed at all. Every
once in a while I have some sort of realization, and
it gets better for a day or two, but it never has
lasted. Supposedly, this acting out is covering up
some sort of pain. But WHAT PAIN? There is nothing
so obvious, this just feels habitual.
TRYING TO LOOK
INWARDS INSTEAD OF OUTWARDS
I decided I'm going to
try NOT TO LOOK OUTWARDS, and instead, TRY TO LOOK
INWARDS. TRY TO FEEL MY PAIN, if there is any.
Then, I realized, the 12
steps are like homeopathic medicine. Instead of
covering up the symptoms, we let the real sickness
come to the surface so that we can get rid of it.
Duvid Chaim is always
talking about becoming more aware of our perceptions
and motives. I understood that, a big part of this,
is to realize when we're feeling negative
emotions-heading down hill on the way to acting
out. We need to keep tabs on our feelings, and
reach out for help instead of reaching for our drug.
FINDING AN
EMOTIONAL CENTER OF BALANCE
But, recently, I realized
that being aware of our perceptions and motives, in
a deeper sense, is to BE IN TUNE WITH OURSELVES. I
feel that my eyes, and my mind, are darting
everywhere, looking for something that I'm
missing. BUT, I can be STILL, be calm, be at peace
with myself. I felt like something inside me came
into alignment which has been out of wack all my
life. AND THAT WAS THE PAIN!!! Like something
turned on that has always been turned off. A sense
of inner peace and tranquility. As if I have found,
finally, an EMOTIONAL CENTER OF BALANCE. Like my
mind has finally tuned into my heart. I can be at
rest, my mind can be at rest. It can stop
racing. It can just BE. I can just BE. Duvid
Chaim has mentioned, "Feeling comfortable in your
own skin," and I think I have just finally felt what
this means.
And, it feels
GOOD. Until now, I thought that the 12-steps just
helps keep the RID at bay; so as not to feel
stressed out. But, it was just the absence of
negative feelings. But, now I see that it's not
just pushing away the RID. It's TUNING IN to your
heart, and finding peace and tranquility and
happiness and contentment there.
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The 'Nachas
Ruach' Treatment Model
Excerpt 30
Nachas Ruach: Torah-Based Psychotherapy and Tools
for Growth and Healing
The book can be purchased online via
this link
Torah Perspectives on the Twelve Steps
"Six Additional Torah Concepts to Supplement
the 12 Steps"
Concept 6: Part 3/3
6. Do not return to Egypt... -
Deuteronomy 17:16
One reason the Torah puts so much stress on
not returning to Egypt is that existentially
it is not possible to fully serve Hashem
while still being a slave. For example, the
Mishnah in Berachos teaches that a
Canaanite slave, while being obligated to do
certain mitzvos, was still exempt from
reciting the Shema Yisrael
declaration,[1]
where the intent is for him to "accept the
sovereignty of God."[2]
The implication here is that only a free
person can serve God. Therefore, every day
immediately upon awakening a Jew recites the
berachah "Blessed are You...for not
making me a slave."
This point should be stressed in education
and prevention programs, working with
religious youth, where "value clarification"
is an important component. It is important
to give contemporary teenagers the
opportunity to receive a perspective that
will allow them to make proper choices.
Going against the natural tendency to think
that "it won't happen to me" teenagers need
to hear that besides possibly being "fun,"
substance use clearly leads to emotional
dependence and powerlessness.
Thus, the Nachas Ruach approach defines five
stages in the process of the development and
treatment of addictions utilizing the model
of Egypt as a metaphor. They are:
-
Going into Egypt
-
Becoming enslaved in Egypt
-
Leaving Egypt
-
Being in the desert
-
Entering the promised land
***
In summation, based on extensive clinical
experience, I have asserted that the six
additional concepts elaborated here
effectively supplement the basic Twelve Step
program from a Torah perspective. It has
been stressed that the Nachas Ruach model
clarifies why it is important to avoid an
addictive lifestyle. The first step of the
program rightfully acknowledges that being
powerless to one's addiction is the
fundamental issue of recovery. Being
powerless means that the addict has less
free will. Having free will is the
foundation of Torah, which is possible
because man is created in the Divine image.
The Torah cannot accept being addicted as
"okay," because ultimately, it takes us away
from an important dimension of man's
self-respect. The "spiritual awakening" that
recovery demands really allows the addict to
recover an important dimension of his basic
human dignity. This requires them not only
to know the program principles or Torah
teachings, but to actually live and apply
these guidelines in their lives - it is
taught in Pirkei Avos 1:17 that "Not
study, but practice is the main thing."
The irony and beauty of recovery is that
when the addict finally "gets it," he will
have actually been forced to grow in a
psycho-social-spiritual way, sometimes even
more than the average "normal" person who
doesn't have to deal with such life-or-death
choices. The Torah understands the
possibility of what is called yeridah
l'tzorech aliyah, "descent for the sake
of ascent." This process can be seen at work
in the Torah. Before Yaakov Avinu went down
to Egypt, he was promised by Hashem:
אל תירא מרדה מצרימה כי לגוי גדול אשימך שם:
אנכי ארד עמך מצרימה ואנכי אעלך גם עלה,
"Have no fear of descending to Egypt, for I
shall establish you as a great nation there.
I shall descend with you to Egypt, and I
shall also bring you up"(Genesis 46:3-4). On
the words
אעלך גם עלה:
"And I shall also bring you up," the Sforno
teaches, "I will raise you even higher
than you were before going down there."
This Torah-based perspective can give the
addict, as well as anyone who is struggling
with difficult issues, the hope that they
can rebuild their lives and ultimately
achieve more wisdom and maturity as a result
of their previous problems.
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Daily Dose of Dov
Dov is sober in SA for 14 years. See his story
here.
I Stopped Trying To Change the Little Lady
Before recovery I was wracked with daily,
frequent angst - I was sure I had married the
wrong person because my wife's approach to
sexuality and ruchnius are so different from
mine. It drove me crazy and I had two panic
attacks over it. By "over it" I mean that it was
what was running through my mind when I had
them... "how will I fix my life with this error
in the mix?! It's hopeless and I am stuck!"
After having to
quit and getting sober, I had to learn how to
stop trying to change the little lady - just so
I'd not go crazy, myself. In order to do that, I
had to learn to focus on doing for her. She's my
wife. I do for her. Same as my kids...we do not pick them
- we just do for
them, period.
After a while sober and giving (giving
was my 'therapy' especially whenever I felt like
punching her in the nose) I started to feel like
she wasn't that bad, after all. Working the
steps made sobriety tolerable (it was always
intolerable before) and growing up made my wife
into my 'project' rather than my archenemy.
Now I feel a true
fondness for my wife, at least a few times per
week, b"H. And I try to remember those moments
during special times like Sh'moneh Esrei;
benching; quiet drives; after getting a
temptation; when I have a resentment toward my
wife, etc. I try to bring the moment back to
life and thank Hashem for it. Nu. Most of the
time I forget about it, but at least some of the
time I actually do this. And it helps my sanity
and usefulness a lot.
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1031. |
Monday ~ 4 Sivan,
5771 ~ June 6, 2011
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In Today's Issue
- Announcement:
Yiddish
Translator Wanted
- Announcement:
Shmiras Ainayim
Conferences & Numbers
-
Q & A:
The Seductive Beauty of Hashem & His Torah
- Testimonials:
If I Had
Continued In The Other Direction
- Daily Dose of Dov:
The Attitude
Paradox of an Addict
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Announcement
Yiddish
Translator Wanted
As a result of
the recent dinner in Monroe, we have begun
initial work for GYE's Yiddish division. We are
looking for a translator who can translate well from
English to Yiddish (for pay). He needs to be able to
put in a few solid hours every day, for at least a
two month commitment, starting after Shavuos.
Please contact us at
eyes.guard@gmail.com.
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
We got an e-mail recently from M.B:
I wanted to let you know how much I enjoy the
shmiras einiyim conference given at 8:30 evening.
The Maggid Shiur is an extraordinary dynamic
personality. And the subjects mentioned are very
much insightful, from a broad range of sources;
Chazal, Rishonim, Mussar and Chassidus... It is a
great chizuk for myself knowing that I am not the
only one working on this issue. May you be blessed
with much Siyatta Dishmaya in all your Avodas
Hakodesh.
A Grateful Listener
Download the last 25 Shmiras Ainayim Shiurim (in MP3
Format) HERE
To see a chart of all our phone
conferences,
click here.
~~~~~~~~~~
Announcement
Our Popular 8:30 PM Shmiras Ainayim Phone
Conference is changing Numbers, STARTING TODAY.
The New Number of the 8:30 PM call:
605-477-2100
Participant Code: 471561#
Times
Mon- Thurs: 8:30 PM
Sun: 6:30 PM
To hear a
playback of the last shiur: 605-477-2199
Participant Code:
471561#
PLUS
- We are happy to announce an earlier afternoon call
for the GYE community, for those who
can't make the 8:30 PM call:
The number is:209-647-1000
Participant Code: 616701#
Times
Mon- Thurs: 4:45 PM
To hear a
playback of the last shiur: 209-647-1999
Participant Code:
616701#
This earlier call focuses on chizuk divided between
shmiras ainayim & chinuch in today's world.
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Category: Q & A
The Seductive Beauty of Hashem & His Torah
A question we received today:
When I was young I
watched a lot of shmutz and acted out. Before I got
married I became frum and got over the whole
thing and married a
very nice frum girl and we have a great
marriage. But a
couple of years after I was married it started to
bother me that she
was flat-chested and I was remembering all the
shmutz I used to see and it bothered me. I then
started to
gaze at other women and started craving it, and
that's how I fell back into the shmutz. I
spilled seed
once recently and have been determined to fix myself
and go all the way
and not turn back. But will this come back to haunt
me? It's so hard not to look at other women. I love
my wife and she is very pretty
besides for that one
thing. I want to stop looking at other women. Let me
know what you suggest.
Reply:
Dear friend,
It's all a bubble of hot air. Think about what
breasts really are; a pack of skin filled with blood
and veins. They are instruments designed by the
Creator for feeding babies, like the breasts of a
cat or goat or cow... Even if we had it all, we'd
feel no better after the act. All the lust goes up
in smoke as soon as it's over.
Most people marry a good looking girl, only to have
their wives become over-weight through pregnancy
within a year or two... Do we have the right to
feel gypped? We addicts are very immature in this
area. We need to learn to "grow up" and learn what
true love and connection are all about.
Shmiras Aimayim is truly a difficult achievement in
today's world. But more than just forcing ourselves
"not to look" all the time, we need a change in
attitude.
We can learn many techniques, tools and good
perspective in our handbook, which can be downloaded
on our website (here).
Even if we had everything we could possibly imagine
we wanted in our wives, we would still desire other
women. "Mayim Gnuvim Yimtaku - Stolen water is
sweet" - We will always want that which is
hidden, forbidden, not ours... So how do we channel
this pull for the hidden, seductive nature of these
desires?
Our souls are really yearning for Hashem. He is the
source of all beauty, pleasure and love. But our
animal instincts misinterpret the signals and make
us think that women and their body parts are what we
really want... Hashem is seductively beautiful
and hidden, and He is wanting and waiting for us
to reveal Him in the world.
On Shavuos there was a wedding, and the Yidden
became forever wed with Hakadosh Baruch Hu through
the beautiful Torah, which is called "Ayeles
Ahavim V'Ya'alas Chen".... The two Luchos that
we received are compared to breasts in Shir Hashirim
(Shnei Shadayich, see Rashi, Perek 4 Pasuk
5). If we immerse ourselves in Hashem's Torah, we
will find much more than we "imagined" that we seek
body parts of flesh and blood.
Hashem gave us the
Torah so that we can have a real relationship with
Him, which is the greatest pleasure that can ever be
reached, even in this world!
This Shavuos, let us try and feel the tremendous
love that Hashem showed us by revealing to us his
most private and intimate self through His Torah, as
the Gemara says (Shabbos 105a): The word "Anochi",
the first word of the Aseres Hadibros, stands for
"Ana Nafshi Kasavis Yahavis - I, My Soul, Have
Written and Given Over".
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Category: Testimonials
If I Had
Continued In The Other Direction
By "Eye.Nonymous"
I was talking to someone recently, and he asked me
if I'd really be so bad off if I wasn't involved
with GYE and the 12-steps. It's hard to believe
that we'd all end up in the gutters so soon that we
need to worry about it.
I thought that if, instead of the gradual
improvements I have had in my life over the past 2
years, if I were going in the other direction
gradually, here's what my life would look like:
I'd be spending ever so much more time escaping
reality. Probably heavily addicted to video p*rn by
now (Thank G-d, I never got involved with anything
besided photos). We just upgraded to high speed
internet when I found GYE, and I think I was within
a few short weeks of falling into that trap.
I'd be fighting with my wife at least half the time,
as she knocked herself out taking care of the family
and the house and I just wasted all my time
"working". I'd have no relationship whatsoever with
my kids, as I spent all my time so busy "working"
that I totally ignored them. This is how my life
was going at that point, and it would have only
gotten two years worse.
And, of course, I'd feel miserable about myself and
about life.
Thanks to GYE and the 12-steps, my life, instead,
continually gets better. I am more productive, and
more easy going at the same time. I grow ever
closer to my wife and to my children.
I continually feel better about myself, and about
life.
There are setbacks, there are ups and downs, and I
make mistakes, but life, overall, keeps getting
better.
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Daily Dose of Dov
Dov is sober in SA for 14 years. See his story
here.
The Attitude Paradox of an Addict
We cannot afford to run from our lust, just as
we cannot afford to give-in to it. We run to G-d
and let Him take care of it for
us - or we'll never get better at all. And we
often learn just how to run to G-d, by
running to people (other addicts) and
shamelessly sharing my worst garbage with them
in order to surrender our lust. A baby has
little, if any, shame having his parent clean
him up because he cannot do it himself yet. I
cannot clean up my own mess, either.
It's kind of
funny, I know. In some ways I need to see myself
as very, very low (plainly see my selfishness
and get comfortable admitting it; not perceive
any of my 'gedarim' as 'holiness' but rather as
enlightened self-interest that has nothing to do
with kedusha at all - [maybe with
venishmartem?]; see my need to avoid schmutz not
because I need to be holy, but because I am too
ill and messed up to be able to tolerate the
'luxury' of that pleasure - it will ruin me,
etc.)....
But at
the very same time,
I cannot allow myself just to 'believe' in
Hashem. I need to live with
Him. I need to talk to Him practically all day
long. My relationships with people cannot be
two-faced or to
get from
them. Now, for a normal yid, I think these
things are seen as extra - a madreiga. Fine.
Although the sifrei mussar say that such things are obligatory
for every yid....few make it so - and fewer need
it to be so. I do, and it is because I am sicker
and needier than most yiddin, not better than
them.
This last paragraph from Dov reminds me
of an article that Rabbi Shais Taub sent me
recently. It can be seen
here, and we'll bring it in a chizuk e-mail
in the future as well, be"H.
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1032. |
Tuesday ~ 5 Sivan,
5771 ~ June 7, 2011
Erev Shavuos
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In Today's Issue
- Announcements:
Four Free Books /
Yiddish Translator Wanted
- Free Downloads:
Shmiras Ainayim
Conference Recordings
- Video Link:
Shvuot, The
Secret of Inspiration
- Personal Victories:
It's All About
Our Motives
-
Q & A:
Only Shavuos - A Chametz Offering
- Daily Dose of Dov:
We Need to Start
Where We Are
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Announcements
Good News!
An anonymous donor (Yitzi) is willing to sponsor
the following four books for anyone who does not
have them - and commits to reading them bl"n.
1. The 'Guard Your Eyes' Hand Book - From
GYE, containing 30 Attitude and Perspective
Principles on this struggle, as well as 18 practical
tools in progressive order, on how to break free of
this addiction.
2. The Light of
Ephraim - A book in story format, with great
lessons and perspective on purity struggles.
3. Windows of the
Soul - A 30 day program on learning how to
guard our eyes.
4. Garden of
Emmunah - An amazing book on Shalom
Bayis that has helped save hundreds of marriages.
Very appropriate for addicts who are married.
Send Yitzi an e-mail to
yitzi.26@gmail.com
requesting the book/s you want to read along with
your address, and he will bl"n send you hard-copies
by mail.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Yiddish
Translator Wanted
As a result of
the recent dinner in Monroe, we have begun
initial work for GYE's Yiddish division. We are
looking for a translator who can translate well from
English to Yiddish (for pay). He needs to be able to
put in a few solid hours every day, for at least a
two month commitment, starting after Shavuos.
Please contact us at
eyes.guard@gmail.com.
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Shmiras Ainayim Phone Conference Recordings
Download the last 25 Shmiras Ainayim Shiurim (in MP3
Format) HERE
To see a chart of all our phone
conferences,
click here.
A Recent E-mail We Received:
I wanted to let you know how much I enjoy the
shmiras einiyim conference given at 8:30 evening.
The Maggid Shiur is an extraordinary dynamic
personality. And the subjects mentioned are very
much insightful, from a broad range of sources;
Chazal, Rishonim, Mussar and Chassidus... It is a
great chizuk for myself knowing that I am not the
only one working on this issue. May you be blessed
with much Siyatta Dishmaya in all your Avodas
Hakodesh.
A Grateful Listener
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Category: Video Link
Shavuot: The Secret of Inspiration
Why
did God wait 49 days before giving the Torah?
How many times have we "seen the light" and been
inspired to change, only to lose it again as soon as
it becomes "dark" again?
Watch this great clip from Aish.com
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Category: Personal Victories
It's All About
Our Motives
By "Kivi"
I was walking home from Shul. 3 attractive girls
were crossing my path and as much as I tried at the
time to switch off my lust it was difficult since
these girls were quite bubbly and ever-present
--hard to ignore! So I went for plan B and shifted
into giving mode. I immediately thought of them as
real people instead of thinking about what their
attractiveness does for me. Three real PEOPLE were
now about to cross my path and, with Hashem's help,
the event was soon behind me.
This
reminds me of a famous Zen story I heard recently
that I keep coming back to. (I'll replace the monks
and Gurus with Chassidim and Rebbes :)
A Rebbe and his Chassid were traveling together. At
one point, they came to a river with a strong
current. As the men were preparing to cross the
river, they saw a very young and beautiful woman
also attempting to cross. The young woman asked if
they could help her.
The Rebbe carried this woman on his shoulder, forded
the river and let her down on the other bank. The
Chassid was very disturbed, but said nothing.
They both were walking and the Rebbe noticed that
his Chassid was suddenly silent and enquired "Is
something the matter, you seem very upset?"
The Chassid replied, "As Yidden, we are not
permitted to touch a woman, how could you then carry
that woman on your shoulders?"
The Rebbe replied, "I left the woman a long time ago
at the bank, however, you seem to be carrying her
still."
It's in the mind. It's all about our perceptions and
motives. This time around on
Duvid Chaim's call, with Hashems help, I'm
really understanding this and becoming quite aware
of when I'm leading myself astray.
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Category: Q & A, Shavuos
Only Shavuos:
A Chametz Offering
Q. "I
wanted to ask you what you thought about the
fanatical separation of men and women in Arab
countries. Is this the ideal for Jews as well in
terms of separation of the sexes?"
A. The
approach in Judaism is not one of extreme separation
from the temptations of this world. We don't
advocate locking the women up so that the men should
not come to sin. The approach in Judaism is rather
to be able to live in the world we are in,
surrounded by temptations, and yet uplift this world
along with its pleasures by keeping ourselves holy.
This idea is illustrated well by the following idea.
On Pesach we bring an offering of barely - without
Chametz, which is the symbol of the Yetzer Hara. On
Shavuos we bring an offering of wheat (the two
loaves) made out of Chametz. Shavuos is the only
time of the year that we offer Chametz in the Beis
Hamikdash. Otherwise, Chametz is banned as an
offering. What is the deeper meaning behind the
barley offering on Pesach and the wheat offering on
Shavuos?
The holy Alshich explains
that on Pesach we had not yet recieved the
Torah. Instead, G-d shined his light upon us
without us having worked for it. Barley is a
food of animals (like Chaza"l explain that a Sotah brings
a barley offering to symbolize that she did an
act of an animal). Although we reached very high
levels on the night of Pesach, we were still a
bit like animals in that we had not yet worked
for the high levels that were bestowed upon us.
In such a situation, one must cut themselves off
from worldly pleasure in order to retain their
spiritual level. This is symbolized by barley,
which contains no Chametz, i.e. no Yetzer Hara.
However, after Pesach, G-d took the light away
from us so that we could work towards the high
levels that we had received on our own. During
the seven weeks of Seffirah, we
correct different attributes of ourselves each
day (Chessed, Gevurah, etc...). By the
time we get to Shavuos, we are worthy of
receiving the Torah. Once we get the Torah there
is no more need for "barley" offerings. We can
now offer G-d even the Chametz. After getting
the Torah, we are now able to DEAL with the
Yetzer Hara. We can be involved with the Chametz
and instead of sinking into it, we uplift this
world with all its pleasures to G-d. Through the
Torah and Mitzvos, we are able to use this
world, together with our human instincts and
inclinations, for the glory of G-d's name. This
is the power of the Torah.
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Daily Dose of Dov
Dov is sober in SA for 14 years. See his story
here.
We Need To Start Where We Are
You are not alone, no matter how alone your
addiction may tell you that you are...you are not.
Thank-G-d! There are other
people who can relate to you on
a very personal level. Seek them
out and share with them to help them, and
you will be helped even more, in turn.
And as a result of reaching out to create
healthy relationships with other like-hearted
people, you will discover that you gain the
ability to reach out and create a healthy
relationship with G-d....for a change. Because
the reason the relationship with G-d doesn't
work for us is because we haven't anything like
a healthy relationship with Him. It is very
sick, actually. We need to start from the bottom
and work up to Him. As Hillel told the goy-ger:
"mai desoni loch, l'chavreich lo sa'avid"
Instead of telling him "v'ohavto lerei'acho
kamocha", he went with the lower, negative
version. We need to start where we are!
Eventually we will all learn how to love,
and sometimes only after that - yes -after that
- we will learn how to be loved.
Hatzlocha!!
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1033. |
Friday ~ 8 Sivan,
5771 ~ June 10, 2011
Erev Shabbos Parshas Bahaloscha
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In Today's Issue
- Announcement:
Changes in
Shmiras Ainayim Conferences Next Week
- Personal Victories:
Danger Zone
-
Q & A:
Irritability
- Daily Dose of Dov:
"Ain hadavar
talui ella bi"
- Announcements:
Four Free Books /
Yiddish Translator Wanted
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Announcement
Changes in Shmiras Ainayim Conference Next
Week
The moderator of the daily Shmiras Ainayim phone
conferences will be traveling next week and there
will only be one daily Shiur at 3:45 PM, Sun -
Thurs.
It will be based on the format of the earlier
daily shiur, i.e. chizuk
on shmiras ainayim & chinuch in today's world.
The number is: 209-647-1000
Participant Code: 616701#
Times for this coming week:
Sun - Thurs: 3:45 PM
To hear a playback of the last shiur: 209-647-1999
Participant Code: 616701#
Download the last 25 Shmiras Ainayim Shiurim (in MP3
Format) HERE
A Recent E-mail We Received:
I wanted to let you know how much I enjoy the
shmiras einiyim conference given at 8:30 evening.
The Maggid Shiur is an extraordinary dynamic
personality. And the subjects mentioned are very
much insightful, from a broad range of sources;
Chazal, Rishonim, Mussar and Chassidus... It is a
great chizuk for myself knowing that I am not the
only one working on this issue. May you be blessed
with much Siyatta Dishmaya in all your Avodas
Hakodesh.
A Grateful Listener
To see a chart of all our phone
conferences,
click here.
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Category: Personal Victories
Danger Zone
By Yosef C. who leads a phone conference on
Thursday nights (see
a chart of all our phone conferences
here).
A triggering teen, 'babysitting' young children, sat
literally right next to me in the children's park
one day (she honestly looked 'needy' as if there was
not much love in the home she was coming from: she
looked sad-wanting attention). The park is directly
across the street from our house.
I IMMEDIATELY(!!)
turned the other way to my 3 year old daughter
sitting on my other side and began talking to her
about 'anything at all'(!!).
My daughter soon
wanted to go on the swings, so we went.
Danger over. Whew.
Later in the house I
asked my wife if it's 'normal' for girls to get so
'innocently' close to men? (I'm the crazy one,
remember.... I didn't have a clue what 'healthy'
boundaries are, so maybe my precious wife, who I'm
blessed to be with, can enlighten me into the 'real'
world).
My wife responded
with a smile:
"Yes, I saw you
outside and what happened. She must have some
issues."
(WOW! Imagine if I
had given even one inch to the yatzer hara and
started 'innocently talking' to this girl. "C'mon"
you say "it's normal", "fit in already". No thanks.
I'm very happy being "crazy" - about Hashem and His
people).
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Category: Q & A
Irritability
From
www.throughtheflame.org
Q.
I've tried quitting porn and masturbation
before, but a funny thing happened - I got irritable
and snappy toward my partner and surroundings. I
then relapsed back into viewing porn and
masturbation, because I didn't think becoming a
nervous wreck was worth it.
A.
Irritability is probably one of the more common side
effects of the withdrawal process, and most
recovering porn addict's will agree that it is a
normal reaction to expect. Have you ever been around
someone who is trying to quit coffee or cigarettes?
Or worse, drugs or alcohol? It's not pretty. You are
denying yourself something that you are conditioned
to having and your body is reacting to it not being
there. Porn addiction and masturbation work on the
chemical level in the brain and when these chemicals
are no longer present, your body reacts.
In combating this problem, many PA's have suggested
working out new ways to relieve stress that are
healthy and beneficial. The biggest one that's
helped many is simple exercise. Start going for a
walk every day, or go to a gym, etc. There are lots
of thing you could do to get through that tough
detox period.
After you have made it a month, many of these side
effects will begin to wear off and lessen, and you
will start to see that what you thought you needed
and what you really need are not the same thing.
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Daily Dose of Dov
Dov is sober in SA for 14 years. See his story
here.
"Ein hadovor tolui ella bi"
For practical problems we can learn a lot from
Chazal, of course, but what is indispensable for
an addict is counsel from real live people....
not quotes from great people (even neviim) who
are long gone. I learn a lot from Chazal, sure,
but for my recovery issues, I'd much rather talk
with my sponsor (even though he is not Jewish)
than with Rav Ashi. Sorry.
And this is not a
foreign idea in Torah, for, as we say "Halocha
k'basrai".
When it comes to practical guidance, Yiftach of
this dor is actually better than
Shmuel of the previous dor. We also say TEIKU -
Tishbi will
answer the shaylohs for the last dor - because
he is the
ultimate basrai, having been alive and here with
us all along to the end.
But that
is all for normal people with normal sexual (and
other) problems.
For sickos (and
pardon me but that is exactly what
kind of husband our wives have to deal with) we
need G-O-D, Osei Shomayim Vo'oretz, period. No one
else can help us to be at peace with our goofy
sexuality, with our goofy wives, or with our
goofy selves.
Even Moshe
Rabbeinu isn't
strong enough! Maybe in another religion
great people actually perform miracles...
not in Judaism. Last time I checked we don't
believe in that. It is always Hashem doing it, through the
person.
Same here, with
perverts like me. Maybe people can be a conduit to
help us out a little bit with these painful,
enigmatic things. But in the end, ein
hadovor tolui in
anybody else - not even in Chazal or the Avos
(the 'great mountains' - see the words of Rav
Elozar ben Durdaya - why couldn't he go to a
tanna like Rav Yehudah Hanassi? He was around,
no?). No. Ein
hadovor tolui ella bi-
meaning: between me and G-d. No
one comes
between us at a time like this. I am powerless,
and so are all other people! Only
Hashem has
Power. I need Him then, and I need Him now.
"May we turn to
Him now." (paraphrasing AA Ch.5)
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1034. |
Sunday ~ 10 Sivan,
5771 ~ June 12, 2011
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In Today's Issue
- Attitude &
Perspective: Love
Sick
- Daily Dose of Dov:
What's wrong with
surrendering alone?
- Announcements:
Shmiras Ainayim
Conference / Free Books / Yiddish Translator
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Category: Attitude & Perspective
Love Sick
Lust addicts have a disease called "love sickness".
They are in love with every good-looking person of
the opposite gender that they see. And no matter
what they do to convince themselves of how empty and
silly it is, it still plagues them. Their heads are
often filled with fantasies and lust. Wherever they
turn, they are triggered by another face, another
body, another fantasy. It attacks them during
davening, learning, work... They dream lustful
dreams at night, deep, emotional dreams where their
yearnings find outlets in fantasy worlds of their
subconscious minds. Their sexuality is damaged. They
can't convince themselves not to want it and they
can't run from it; it runs after them wherever they
go.
... And yet, they know they can't give in to it. If
they do, not only will it destroy their life in both
this world and the next, but they also know that
they will never achieve that which their
subconscious is really seeking. Lust never fills us,
it only makes us hungrier for more. It warps our
mind more and more, nothing is ever enough to
satisfy it. We can run after it our whole lives and
yet we will never feel "full". It is empty hot-air.
It is rotting flesh. There is no "G-dly light" in
these human forms that we DEIFY. These "fleeting
beauties" are but empty shells themselves, insecure
and lonely inside. They have their own needs and
wants. They are smelly flesh; here today and gone
tomorrow... We all know we will never get what we
truly want...
So what can lust addicts do? It seems we are
stuck between a rock and a hard place. On the
one hand, our heads, hearts, and subconscious minds
are filled with relentless lustful fantasies and
desires, and nothing we do to run away from it helps
us. We slowly come to see that our "love sick" mind
is not going away. But on the other hand, we know
that we cannot give in to it, because not only will
it destroy us in this world and the next, but it
will get us nowhere. It's all hot air... We can
never get what we really desire deep down.
So where do we go from here? What can we do?
It is interesting to note that Shir Hashirim uses
the words "Chollas Ahavah - Love Sick" to
describe the love affair between G-d and the Jewish
people.
"Ki Chollas Ahava Ani... For I am sick with
love". While the word "sick" is normally a bad
thing, it seems that when it comes to love there can
be no higher level than this. There is nothing more
beautiful than being "Love Sick" when it is
channeled properly. So maybe our "sickness" is not a
bad thing after all...
What is it that our subconscious truly seeks? All of
us have a "G-d hole" that we are trying to fill.
Hashem gave us a deep subconscious need to seek Him
out, for He is the source of all that we need. In
Him lies all beauty, comfort, security, love and
pleasure. After all, if He didn't have it all within
Him, could He have created it? But since we have
conditioned ourselves to use lust all these years to
"medicate" our feelings, our minds are messing up
the signals of our soul's yearnings. The beauty we
see in this world is but a fleeting shadow of the
real thing, and we lust-addicts grasp at it like
drowning men.
Being "Love Sick" and having such a strong need for
"whatever" can actually be a blessing in disguise.
G-d is telling us addicts that it is precisely
us who can achieve the highest level of
love with Him. We may not be able to get rid of our
love-sick minds, but each time we feel the disease
take hold, we can redirect it to the source;
Hashem.
It's not easy, as the Pasuk says: "Ki Aza Kamaves
Ahavah - for brazen as death is love" - (Shir
Hashirim 8:6). But when we get fantasies or see
triggering things, we can choose to be
love-sick for G-d instead.
By acknowledging that He is the source of whatever
it is that we crave in those images or fantasies, we
can say to Him: "Hashem, I am love-sick. Please help
me be love-sick for You!".
Perhaps we are lucky after all. We didn't choose
this disease. And we all know that giving in to the
dark side of our love-sickness is not a viable
option for us. So we are left with no alternative
but to learn how to redirect it to its real source.
Our disease is G-d's gift to us where He is saying:
"I want YOU to be madly in love with ME".
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Daily Dose of Dov
Dov is sober in SA for 14 years. See his story
here.
What's wrong with surrendering alone?
Is your surrendering done all by your lonesome,
or do you have a few choices of folks you can
call to quickly do the surrender with and then
move on? It is important for us to surrender
together with other people - and my favorite
reason for that, is quite cool:
The only place surrender is ever made is inside
my heart, where my motivations are and my
actions are decided. What we say is
not often worth very much. So you'd think that
surrendering in my heart = success, period.
Technically, that's true. Still, there is a huge
poison inherent in surrendering exclusively
privately and I bet it has ruined many
good-hearted frummeh yidden like us, addicts or
not:
When I surrender privately exclusively,
and am granted
relief by Hashem, I will be grateful.
When I do it again a few more times, though, I
will be machzik myself as a good Jew. And what's
so bad about that? Nothing really, but....
After a few more times, I will believe
that I am 'really something'... I see it all the
time, and saw it in myself, as well. And
unfortunately, in the sick realm of his or her
addiction all the 'positive self-esteem' stuff
of Rav Twerski avail an addict zero, really.
Thinking we are 'really something' means one
thing: EGO: Edging G-d Out.
Period.
A normal person
can afford that, but many addicts agree that they
cannot. We need to remember exactly
who we are and what we are prone to. The first
step (of the 12) is not done once - it is an
awareness that saves us again
and again from death.
When we surrender in our hearts and share that
surrender with another (safe) person, it is
really hard to consider ourselves heroes .
After all, my thoughts (if I
am really being honest and open about them) are
occasionally quite immature, perverted, and
goofy. And my recovery buddy knows all about it!
He surely doesn't look down on me for my
thoughts, cuz he understands his own
addiction and how even men and women
of great quality - even great rabbonim, good
fathers, and courageous people - are quite
pathetic in addiction. I know a lot of great
talmidei chachomin, lawyers, and doctors - all
addicts like me - whose brains can come up with
the silliest and most dangerous ideas when a
woman with the right 'accouterments' talks
nicely to them, or when they are alone at the
office with an unfiltered computer (or book)...
or whatever. Willpower will not protect them
forever - hence, they are guaranteed to fail -
they are powerless and admit it freely.
But it's nothing to be ashamed of,
really. It's just the truth about
us! Hey - my body will eventually die, slowly
rot, and smell horrible - people will run from
it. Not a
pleasant thing to think about, so we don't. And
that's normal. But with addiction, if we choose
to allow our shame to guide us we'll never share
it and surely self-destruct.
We make philosophical and religious excuses for
keeping it private - it's all really just shame
of our own 'stink'.
Addicts in recovery know better.
So we share it with another person rather than
just privately give up our 'right' to it and ask
Hashem to save us from the pain/regret. We tell
them all about it. There is no shame left when
it comes down to saving my life, thank-you. We
all know what happens to the guy who has a heart
attack R"l in the bathroom and is too shamed to
call for help because he hasn't wiped himself
yet... (sorry)
It helps keep me right-sized in
my own mind and heart when I know that other
people are fully aware of the depth of craziness
that my addict mind is capable of.
And right-sizedness is perhaps the greatest
'sobriety insurance' in the world.
Humility in action, not just in words. Talk is certainly
cheap. But talking
out our
insides to another is precious, precious, precious!
Let's come out - and stay out
- of the shadows.
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1035. |
Monday ~ 11 Sivan,
5771 ~ June 13, 2011
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In Today's Issue
- Love Sick - Part 2
- True Freedom
-
Channeling It
Correctly
- Daily Dose of Dov:
Ever smile at
yourself?
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Love Sick - Part 2
In continuation of what
we wrote yesterday about channeling our "love-sick"
minds to be love-sick for Hashem instead,
Hashgacha made me stumble on this piece from
the Rambam today that we brought in an old Chizuk
e-mail:
The Rambam (Maimonides, Mishnah Torah, "Laws of
Repentance", 10,3) writes: "What is the proper love
that we must have for G-d? It is to love G-d with an
exceedingly great and intensely powerful love until
the individual is constantly enraptured by it; he
must be stricken like a lovesick person, whose mind
is at no time free from his passion for a particular
woman, with the thought of her filling his heart at
all times, whether he be sitting down or rising up,
whether he be eating or drinking. Even more intense
should the love of G-d be in the hearts of those who
love Him, and this love should constantly absorb
him, as we are
commanded to love the Lord "with all your heart and
with all your soul." Solomon expressed this
allegorically in the verse, "for I am sick with
love." (Song of Songs, 2:5) Indeed, the entire Song
of Songs is an allegorical description of this love.
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True Freedom
Always remember to stay happy! The Yetzer Hara's
biggest tool is depression and sadness. Working on
one's self is not a "sad" and "confining" thing, but
rather it should bring us tremendous joy that
we have the merit to
sacrifice our desires for the creator of the entire
universe. If we take the time to think about G-d's
greatness for just a few minutes each day, then,
like a candle before a torch, we will feel a total bitul
(self-annulment) and
a true joy in being able to give G-d pleasure, by
doing his will...
Someone who merits to give up his desires to G-d,
experiences a great joy of freedom, like Chaza"l say
"Ain Ben choirin ela mi she'osek batorah"
(there is no free man like he who deals in the
Torah). The Torah's way brings true freedom to a
person. All the people of the world are bound like
slaves to their desires. The tzadikim are
the freest people on earth.
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Channeling It Correctly
By S.S
Chazal say that all your
sexual drives and intimacy should be channeled
towards your wife, which means that these desires
and intimacy were created to bring a husband and
wife to the ultimate connection. Throughout the day,
you can practice thinking about your wife. Think
about how much she does for you, what kind of
attitude she brings into the home, anything that
arouses positive and intimate feelings for her. When
you do this outside the house, it helps you
internalize it and those feelings are more ready
available when you need them. Also at the
appropriate times, try and remember how your wife
looked when you were very attracted to her, and what
you felt then. You can do this also when another
woman grabs your attention - i.e. to immediately
transfer the arousal to your wife.
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Daily Dose of Dov
Dov is sober in SA for 14 years. See his story
here.
Ever Smile At Yourself?
Someone writes on the forum
Lately I'm practicing looking at my wife and
smiling for a moment. In almost nine years of
marriage, it's something I've hardly ever done.
It sounds like a weird thing to 'practice' - but
for sick people like me... what can I say?
Dov Responds:
Super!
Here is another idea... since you are working on
looking at her and
smiling for a minute, how about trying looking
at your own face and into your own eyes in a
mirror for ten seconds - and smiling.
When was the last time you did that? Hey, we all
are shelo lishma - we are first motivated by
self-love rather than by love of another or of
Hashem.... but I wonder where is all
that self-love?!
I mean, how does it feel for most of us
to spend 10 seconds looking at our own faces and
into our own eyes in private in a mirror and
trying to actually like that
person we see. To feel what it is like to say
(and mean), "Hey, you sweet, misguided child of
Hashem. You are so sweet and good inside, so
special and beautiful - and so confused. Nu.
Keep trying. You are really a wonderful b'riyah
and I
love you, so I will do anything for
you."
...what will you not do
to save your life? Well. Why have so many of us
never been really comfortable looking at our own faces
and into our own eyes?
After all, we are living with ourselves, aren't
we? "Nine years of marriage", you say? I
understand...but it wasn't until after about thirty-seven years
of life,
that I first succeeded looking at me and
liking myself.
Nowadays, when I take a peek in the looking
glass for a few seconds, I usually smile with an
understanding smile and feel a mixture of
nachas, pity, regret, and yearning for success,
all rolled together. I leave the bathroom with a
bigger smile than when I came in. All because of
my step-work, thank-G-d.
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1036. |
Tuesday ~ 12 Sivan,
5771 ~ June 14, 2011
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In Today's Issue
-
New handbook
version on the way:
New Tool -
"Physical Activity"
- Daily Dose of Dov: Love
Sick - Part 3
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New Handbook Version on the Way!
We are in the
process of redoing the GuardYourEyes Handbook more
professionally. We have rearranged some of the
tools, and added some new ones. The new handbook
will now have 20 tools in progressive order, as
opposed to 18. We hope it will be ready in the
coming week or so. Meanwhile, we wanted to share
with the GYE community an entirely new tool that we
added to the new version. We'd be happy to hear your
feedback, and we'd also like to hear (in terms of
the "progressive" nature of the tools) if you think
that this tool belongs relatively in the beginning
(around "Alternate Fulfillment") or more towards the
end of the tools (around "Therapy" and
"Medication"). Let us hear your thoughts at
eyes.guard@gmail.com.
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Physical Activity
Often the addiction is
not our main problem, but rather a symptom of
an underlying problem. If we are depressed, anxious
or stressed, then as addicts, we will escape to our
"drug of choice" - which in our case
happens to be lust.Physical activity and exercise
can be very beneficial in easing symptoms of
anxiety, stress and depression, which go
hand-in-hand with addiction. An imbalance of
neurotransmitters in the brain produces anxiety and
depression. Exercise not only impacts endorphins
(our feel-good hormones), but it also increases
levels of serotonin and dopamine, creating more
balance. This produces the famous "runners high,"
decreases anxiety, and provides an overall feeling
of "calm."
We've all heard of the
famous "12-Step" program for beating addictions.
Exercise has been called by some experts "the 13th
step" (see
here). At all levels of the struggle/addiction,
it is very important to engage in exercise and
physical activities on a regular basis, at least a
few times a week. Experience has shown that a
consistent exercise regimen can be very helpful in
combating addictive behaviors, and especially in
dealing with the irritability and stress that are
common withdrawal symptoms.
Exercising every day has been proven to positively
impact an addict in many other ways as well. For
example, in active addiction we can easily lose
structure and meaning to our days, but exercise
immediately provides this. Exercise fills time and
keeps the mind busy. It has also been shown to boost
self esteem and self-confidence. We will also find
that the self-discipline required and learned
through regular exercise spills over into other
areas of our life and will help us make changes to
our bad-habits. Exercise also positively affects sleep,
cognitive function, craving, diet and weight. It
improves the mind-body connection and reduces
symptoms of illnesses and disease. Exercise also
allows us to express our frustrations,
disappointments, anger, and negative energy in a
positive way, and makes us feel happier overall.
People who exercise are more optimistic and happy
than those who lead sedentary lifestyles.
Our physical self is
an important part of our spiritual being. When we
talk about recovery, spiritual principles, emotional
health and those types of things, our physical body
is a critical factor in the equation. The physical
dimension of taking care of our body by getting
enough sleep, good nutrition and especially
exercise, adds a whole lot more to our "spiritual
centeredness and emotional well being" than most
people give it credit for. As the Pasuk says, "U'shmartem
Me'od Lenafshoseichem - and
you shall vigilantly guard your wellbeing". Our
physical wellbeing is a vital part in our
overall spiritual makeup.
Any form of exercise
can help us boost our immunity to addictive
tendencies, whether it's running, biking, walking or
working out in a gym. Jumping
on the treadmill or cross trainer for 30 minutes can
be an instant way to blow off tension by boosting
levels of "soothing" brain chemicals like serotonin,
dopamine, and norepinephrine. Research also suggests
that burning off 350 calories three times a week
through sustained, sweat-inducing activity can in
many cases reduce symptoms of depression just as
effectively as antidepressants.
With the countless benefits that it offers, let us
all make it a habit to do a regular exercise. Some
addicts spend a whole lot of money to cure
addiction, but research has shown that exercise -
which is free - offers the same results as therapy
and antidepressants!
Let's make a commitment to start moving! We'll not
allow ourselves to miss even one a day and we'll
stick to our schedule. If we can only walk a mile at
first, that is fine. Getting our heart rate up is
what is beneficial. As we continue to exercise, we
should be able to slowly increase the distance
traveled or time spent exercising. Our target goal
should be between 30 to 60 minutes, three times a
week.
There is some sort of
universal truth at work here regarding cause and
effect. Often we convince ourselves that we are too
tired, or that we don't have the energy to make a
commitment like this and start exercising regularly.
The only way to overcome this mindset is through
action. Start moving your body and let the details
get worked out later. We may not feel like jogging,
but if we force ourselves to get out the door and
hit the pavement, before we know it we'll be back
home, breathing hard and feeling invigorated. In
other words, we're not going to feel great some day
and decide to go jogging or walking-it's the other
way around. We have to get out there and do it,
despite how we may feel, and then we will be able to
look back and see how our new routine has energized
our lives and made it so much easier to stay clean!
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Daily Dose of Dov
Dov is sober in SA for 14 years. See his story
here.
Love Sick - Part 3
Someone wrote:
I think that seeing your own wife's beauty is a
zchus - if you're grateful for her, and have
humility and shmiras habris - you will see her
beauty. Otherwise you don't. It's no chochmah to see
other women's beauty. Marry them and it will soon
disappear!
Dov Responds:
So true. But really, why will
it disappear? And what really is "it"?
When you say inside,
"Wow, look at her", what are you really saying? What
does that mean?
I believe that it
means you are religious. You worship women with
power - women who are beautiful to you. It is a
religion, you know. It doesn't have to have a name (Lustism?),
but when I observe that my mouth drops open from
what I see, that my eyes follow her, and that I
fantasize (use) her image, that I focus and hope
(and maybe even pray!) for attachment to
it...well.....isn't that worship?!
Don't we speak of
desiring more than anything to be dovek -
attached to
Hashem and
of the ziv of the Sh'chinah? Isn't it supposed to
be a lust of some kind? Doesn't the RMB"M describe
it as "the way a man is preoccupied with desire for
his woman all
day long"?
There is nothing
'anatomically' wrong with you and me, but we have a
problem: we have all the right ingredients and
'parts' - and naturally use them for the wrong
thing! For a broken cistern. And no amount of
religiosity will break me out of it. There is no
'teshuvah' for me to 'snap out of it'....except for
maybe a few minutes or days. I need more than any
single act, sh'vuah, takanah, chizuk or whatever,
can provide.
I need to be immersed in
recovery, to hang out with recovering people, be a
member of a society of
recovering people, use their tools, and learn how to
live a little bit differently on a daily basis in
the context of my real, mundane, daily life.
Cuz my body 'knows'
and tells me that the 'babe' over there, is actually
a goddess. Really, not just figuratively. To me, she
has power. Real power....and I need her. I feel like
she will take
care of me if I could only get closer. But as you
put it so nicely, once we have a real relationship
with them, all that disappears....because that takes
them off the pedestal and they are no longer
goddesses. "Uh oh...gotta find another one who really is a
goddess!" And on it goes....
I am screwed up, and
how. Until I recognize and admit that, there is just
no starting point at all.
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1037. |
Wednesday ~ 13
Sivan, 5771 ~ June 15, 2011
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In Today's Issue
-
Testimonials:
Approaching 3
Years
-
Q & A: What
can my wife read?
-
Attitude &
Perspective: Foundation of the building
- Daily Dose of Dov:
Appreciating What
We Have
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Category: Testimonials
Approaching 3 Years
By "Jack"
See Jack's 90-day journey time-line from 3 years ago
here.
Dear Guard,
I'm approaching my 3-year anniversary in 'the
struggle'. I can't say I'm perfect, and I've slipped
along the way, but only about 5 times in the whole 3
years. What a difference from before I started, I
used to act-out every day! I like to look at how far
I came, rather than 'am I perfect'. A 38 year old
habit takes time to break. I'm not using this as an
excuse, but it's the absolute truth.
B"H the strong urges to visit the dirty-movie stores
are no longer present, and it's not because I'm over
50. When I used to be there I saw some dirty old men
hanging around.
So, thanks again for all you've done for me, and
thousands like me.
Jack
Recently "Jack" shared with me some chizuk:
Urges can be compared with feeding a stray cat. In
the beginning, you may want to feed the cat because
it cries for food and attention. You may find that
it is a nice thing to do and you feel good for being
kind. However, your act of feeding the cat
encourages it to repeat its cries and attention
seeking. You find yourself giving in each time. Over
a period of time, the cat grows bolder and other
cats join it in crying for food and attention. That
is how addiction works.
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Category: Q & A
What can my wife read?
Question:
Hi, I'm suffering from an addiction to porn and
I'm searching for articles I can show my wife about
what it means for men to be addicted to porn, i.e.
that would help her understand my situation.
Answer:
We have a special forum on our network for wives of
addicts to get support. You can have your wife sign
up to our forum here and
then send me her username and I will give her access
to the "Spouses of Addicts" board.
Also, we have a special weekly phone conference for
wives of addicts to get support and understand the
nature of their husband's addiction. See this
page. Be in touch with Miriam who moderates the
conference. Miriam can be contacted at miriamgye@gmail.com or
you can call her at: 318-599-9408.
Here are some important articles for your wife to
read:
a) Read this
letter, written by a wife of an addict.
b) Read this
letter by someone on our forum,
written to the wives of addicts.
c) Read this
story and this
story for some good perspective.
d) An
article on Aish for wives of
addicts by Rebbetzin Feige Twerski.
e) There are chapters in the SLAA books on
partnerships which will help couples cope with this
together in the most constructive way. Two suggested
books are "Sex and Love Addiction (SLAA) Anonymous"
and (2) "Cybersex Unhooked". Both are available here.
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Category: Attitude & Perspective
Foundation of the Building
Sex and love are the deepest human emotions and
fixing these emotions fixes a person deeper than
anything else. That's why in Kabbalah, the Seffirah
of "Yesod" refers to the Brit. "Yesod" means
"foundation". Guarding the Brit is the foundation of
Judaism.
The positive commandments of the Torah are like a
building. The negative commandments, which are what
youdon't do, what's underground, what people don't
see - that's the foundation of the building. If the
foundation is weak, then the whole building is in
danger of falling. No matter how much Torah and
Mitzvos a person has, if he is not careful in
guarding the "Yesod", he can lose it all in one
moment. That's why people who are pogem the bris
feel so precarious with their Yiddishkeit, they feel
they are constantly walking on a tightrope above the
abyss. If the foundation of the building is strong
though, then the building will last, no matter what
it looks like above ground!
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Daily Dose of Dov
Dov is sober in SA for 14 years. See his story
here.
Appreciating What We Have
There's a nice Chazal about the fact that
appreciation of a spouse is contingent upon
faithfulness in the heart:
"kol hanosein eynov
b'mah she'eyno shelo - ma sheyeish lo, notlin mimenu
- whoever puts his eyes on that which is not his,
even what is his they take away from him" -
in other words, there is a bracha we get to
appreciate and enjoy the attractiveness of our
spouses. It is from Hashem. We can't even lust our
way to it, for that lust will eventually spill over
onto other people.
Should I choose to be
masbiyah eynee with a lust image (of a real person or of
a picture), it
is always at
the expense of my happiness with whatever I've actually
got. Whenever
a lust opportunity comes up, I have a choice in that
moment: do something in this moment that will
increase my appreciation of my wife in some respect
(take the actions of love) - or take this lust and
use it - and as a result want it and believe in it even
more than
I already do. Which will it be? Often the addict
chooses poorly...till the pain gets too great. Then
he is really, finally, in
trouble.
But it is the best possible trouble to be in, and
that pain opens the door to recovery.
[The actions of love
can be calling my wife just to say "hi!" and ask how
things are going/daven for her real needs/get back
to the shopping I was doing for
her in the first place
before the 'image' came along,
whatever. Being useful to her. She's my wife! Don't
I want things
to be better for us? Well, this is the only way....]
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1038. |
Thursday ~ 14 Sivan,
5771 ~ June 16, 2011
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In Today's Issue
-
Sayings:
Humility
-
Attitude &
Perspective:
Judaism & Recovery
- Daily Dose of Dov:
It's not about
teshuvah, it's about being alive.
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Category: Sayings
HUMILITY
DOESN'T MEAN THINKING ANY LESS OF YOURSELF; IT MEANS
THINKING OF YOURSELF LESS.
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Category: Attitude & Perspective
Judaism and Addiction Recovery
Rabbi Shais Taub
Religious people, myself included, like to say that
God's law is absolute, that it transcends the
subjective, arbitrary and hence fleeting quality of
human law. But how do you test a thing like that?
I've found a way. I call it the "Canary in the Coal
Mine Phenomenon" and I've learned it by being a
rabbi who specializes in working with addicts. What
most people don't know about recovery from addiction
is that "the program" doesn't just possess a
spiritual component. The entirety of the 12-Steps is
a spiritual system for living. It's not just that
"Higher Power" thing most people have seen in movies
where someone goes to AA. The whole program is a
guide for how to live a life of God-consciousness.
Why is the program of recovery all about improving
one's relationship with God? In a real small
nutshell I'll say it like this. For "normal" people,
spiritual fitness is a luxury. For the true addict,
however, spirituality is the only effective means to
bring about the complete remission of an illness
that is progressive, fatal and incurable.
The pioneers of AA -- the first of the 12-Step
groups -- had received a revolutionary insight from
psychiatrist Carl Jung. Jung revealed that neither
the medical nor the mental health professions could
help the alcoholic but posited that relief from
alcoholism could be found through spiritual means. "Spiritus
contra spiritum" Jung called it, making a play on
Latin words that mean "spirituality is [the
antidote] against [addiction to] spirits."
So what was that about the canary?
The canary idea was an observation I formed while
writing my book "God
of Our Understanding: Jewish Spirituality and
Recovery from Addiction." I was trying to
explain how the spiritual truths of the 12 Steps
were arrived at empirically through trial and error.
Basically, the first people to recover using the
spiritual method had to experiment on themselves to
find out what kinds of behaviors were conducive to a
spiritual lifestyle. It was a simple test: were they
getting better or not? See, most people can live
without seeking out spiritual consciousness but the
addict -- the true addict -- cannot. That's what
makes the addict the spiritual canary.
In the days before mineshafts had proper
ventilation, miners would bring a canary in a cage
down with them whenever forging into a new area of
the mine. Canaries are more sensitive to poisonous
gasses than human beings, so as long as the canary
was alive, the miners knew the air in the new area
was safe to breathe. If the canary stopped singing,
the miners knew it was time to get out of that part
of the mine.
A canary is not a toxicologist, or whatever expert
you would consult in order to determine whether or
not air is safe to breath. A canary is just a bird
-- a bird that when it breathes poison, happens to
die quicker than a human.
The addict, for reasons we do not fully understand,
is critically sensitive to any kind of spiritual
deficiency. They live and die by their ability to
connect with God. If you have lived among addicts as
I have, you will know that no amount of "clean time"
ever means that they are cured. They can be
completely chemically sober for years. And then, if
they let themselves become spiritually sick, they
will baffle everyone with a seemingly inexplicable
relapse. Perhaps they stopped meditating. Maybe they
stopped looking for ways to be of service to their
fellow. Or maybe they allowed a resentment or a
grudge to start eating away at their serenity.
In short, if a certain idea or practice is
spiritually harmful to human beings, the addict will
be the first to show symptoms. Conversely, if a
certain idea or practice promotes spiritual wellness
in human beings, it is evident in the addict by
their relief from the compulsion to use.
So, is righteous indignation bad for you? Look at
the addict who started feeling holier-than-thou and
see what happened to their recovery. Is putting
financial security ahead of spiritual stability a
killer? Ask the addict who forgot about the
God-consciousness that helped them get their feet
back on the ground. Basically, if you want to know
what is spiritual poison for a human being, you've
got to ask a spiritual canary.
Conversely, if you want to know where there's good,
clean air for your soul to breathe, go see where the
canaries flourish. The spiritual canaries I know
take daily moral inventories; they put principles
before personalities; they show up where they're
needed and not where they need something; when faced
with a dilemma, they pause and humbly ask God for
direction.
In this coal mine called life, who's your spiritual
canary?
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Daily Dose of Dov
Dov is sober in SA for 14 years. See his story
here.
It's not about Teshuvah, it's about being alive
Someone asks:
The RAMBAM asks, who is a real baal teshuva? One
who is in the very same position, same
circumstances, same desire, but this time he
controls himself. So let's say a person starts to
have a fall (really slipping) and in the middle he
stops himself, what does that fall under? Is it the
same concept of the RAMBAM's baal teshuva?
Dov Responds:
I respect you a ton for your honesty and openness
and your desire to get better - against all odds,
given the 'enemy'. But what is the significance of
whether Hashem considers us ba'alei teshuvah gemurim,
or not? Is it because it's nice to know if we are
forgiven? So, if we are not....then what? Do you
think He doesn't have enough room in His storehouse
of Chessed Chinam to help out the people he doesn't yet
forgive? Besides, who else is his
Chessed for if not for yidden who
are not yet ba'alei teshuvah gemurim?
Last I checked, I was
still in Olam Hazeh, olam hashekker. There is no schar here,
only more mitzvos (s'char mitzvah=mitzvah)....or
more aveiros. Life....or death. It is the Olam of
our Avodah, not reward or gain. What our status is
has no relevance to our avodah.
It's not a gayva thing.
It's just an irrelevant thing.
Of course, some will tell you that the big danger
with concerning ones-self with this issue is that we
might put ourselves into such predicaments - in
order to 'prove'
ourselves by finally 'doing
a teshuvah gemurah'. I don't worry about that too
much. The only people who intentionally put
themselves in predicaments are those who end up
acting out, anyway. They are still experimenting.
Like: Q: For whom is
the web filter not 'strong enough'?
A: For the
one who tests their
filter.
Same thing. As far as
I am concerned, if I am are really interested in
surrendering and being free,
then wondering about teshuvah is just as
self-centered and deadly to me as wondering about
trying the next porn site is.
You said it best,
quote:
"I can't live with this; it is messing up my
life. It makes my life unlivable. It makes
spirituality very hard and it's not just something
we've been told, I really feel the difference....and
I just can't live with it. And I can't push it off
until later. It's now. I have to get rid of
it."
It is not about teshuvah -
it is about being
alive today.
If Hashem considers that under the rubric of
teshuvah, then that is His Business, not mine.
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1039. |
Friday ~ 15 Sivan,
5771 ~ June 17, 2011
Erev Shabbos Parshas Shlach
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In Today's Issue
-
Sayings:
My Way
-
Article Links:
Falling In Love With G-d
-
Attitude &
Perspective:
Our Shadow
-
Practical Tips:
Being "Osek Ba'Torah"
- Daily Dose of Dov:
The Only Truth
That Matters
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Category: Sayings
THINGS ARE
NOT NECESSARILY GOING WRONG JUST BECAUSE THEY ARE
NOT GOING MY WAY.
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Category: Article Links
Falling In Love With G-d
A powerful and enlightening article, particularly
appropriate for those who struggle with this
addiction.
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Category: Attitude & Perspective
Our Shadow
Someone
wrote:
I feel so low. I hate myself and I don't
trust that Hashem loves me.
Response:
A Tzadik once said that Hashem loves the biggest
Rasha more than we love the biggest Tzadik... The
pasuk says "Hashem Tzilcha - Hashem is your
shadow". He reacts to us the way we act and perceive
Him. Even the biggest sinner who believes that
Hashem Loves him dearly (which is true), will start
to see it and feel it... Hashem will show it to
him... He is our shadow. He shadows the way we see
Him in our lives.
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Category: Practical Tips
Being "Osek Ba'Torah"
Yosef C. sent us:
I once read an amazing few words from the
Lubavitcher Rebbe in a letter to someone who was
struggling with emotional stress:
"Being involved with Torah will of course help
your mind from these distracting thoughts. By 'being
involved (osek) b'Torah, I don't necessarily mean
only learning from a sefer. Sitting, relaxing,
breathing deep and contemplating Hashem's kindness
in one's life can also be considered 'being involved
(osek) b'Torah'".
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Daily Dose of Dov
Dov is sober in SA for 14 years. See his story
here.
The Only Truth that Matters
I don't know about you, but my yiddishkeit went
through it's first serious development between the
ages of 10 and 20. That was the same age during
which my sexuality and dependence on schmutz and
masturbation first developed. Coincidence?
I think not.
To me, my yiddishkeit
was supposed to enable me to
control this monster. Well, it
didn't.
It wasn't Hashem's fault or yiddishkeit's fault. It
was mine. I used whatever bechirah I had to comfort
myself and to try to play a big, 25 year long
balancing act with yiddishkeit and lust. Eventually
I was just acting out like crazy. Nu. By that time,
bechirah was a joke...I had given it up. So that's
the way it was. But I got sober when the pain got
bad enough for me to feel the way you described so
well, above. And by a miracle (the Chessed of Hashem)
I am sober today, too, since a bunch of years ago.
I need to leave the
'driving' to Hashem, and that includes 'The Truth'.
This world is not the
world of Truth - the Truth is hidden about who is at
the top, and who is at the bottom - to all of
us. It's alma
deshikrah,
as the gemorah calls it.
The only truth we really need
to know is not history, not politics, not what is
right or wrong with our neighbors, but only the
truth about what
our job is.
Not even about how Hashem views us,
nor about how he views anyone else.
The yiddishkeit I
used to know - the one that developed in tandem with
my sexaholism - was all about
my madreigah, my teshuvah, and Hashem taking me
back.....and look where it got
me. Straining for ever more 'control' of my
spirituality, my madreigah....ultimately trying to
control the way G-d works with me and treats me, by
His own rules! All so I could keep dancing with my
buddy, lust.
Now I try to let go
and let G-d. Period.
It is a completely
different life. A safe life.
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1040. |
Sunday ~ 17 Sivan,
5771 ~ June 19, 2011
|
|
In Today's Issue
-
Sayings:
Recovery's Wings
-
Torah:
Learning from the
Yetzer Hara
-
Practical Tips:
Finding Alternate
Fulfillment
-
Attitude &
Perspective:
Not Dwelling on
the Past
- Daily Dose of Dov:
Life without
burdens is a sober life
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Category: Sayings
NO ONE
FLOATS INTO RECOVERY ON THE WINGS OF VICTORY.
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Category: Torah
Learning from the Yetzer Hara
Today,
the 17th of Sivan, is the Yartzeit of the "Beis
Aharon" of Karlin.
The Beis Ahron of Karlin writes that Torah and
Mitzvos need to feel fresh and new in our eyes every
day. So he asks, how can we instill this in our
hearts? Answers the Beis Ahron, we can learn a Kal
Ve'Chocher from the Yetzer Hara himself. The Yetzer
Hara tempts a person to sin and he listens to him
and falls. But after the person sins, he becomes
disgusted with the desire (and resolves never to
fall again). And yet the very next day, the Yetzer
Hara tempts him once again with this same desire and
he renews the desire in his heart R"L, just like
before. So
how much more so, the Torah and Mitzvos, which are
the life source of all the worlds and a person's
very life - should feel new to a person every day!
Click here for the original text
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Category: Practical Tips
Finding Alternate Fulfillment
Rav Wolbe Ztz"l, one of the foremost baalei
mussar of
our times, in his Sefer "Psychiatry and Religion"
(Pg. 82) suggests cultivating a combination of
religious and social fulfillment to help our youth
beat this big challenge. He writes:
The difficult phase of adolescence is fertile
soil for feelings of guilt, especially for religious
youth. Masturbation is a serious prohibition. Yet
almost all youth stumble in this and are unable to
find the strength to overcome this in any way. The
result is feelings of guilt. This is where wise
guidance from Rabbanim and Mechnchim becomes so
necessary. As is known, a Rav is not licensed to
"forgive sins" and surely not to permit the
forbidden. However, he can guide, calm and bring the
youth to acceptance of himself. And together with
that, to cultivate an intensive social life and
help bring the youth into the vast wealth of Torah,
which can arouse in him a deep thirst to acquire and
grow in Torah. As our sages have said, "Torah is
good with Derech Eretz, for the toil in both makes
sins be forgotten". In other words, the toil in
Torah together with the toil of cultivating a
thriving social life, brings to a situation where,
over time, one forgets to sin. Instead of waging a
constant battle - which is hopeless, through the
positive hard work in Torah and a social life,
slowly but surely, the youth will recover from
masturbation. This is the conventional path of
Chinuch that is accepted today. Yes, Torah life
needs intensive chinuch. Without chinuch, there is
no escape from youth sinking into feelings of guilt
and despair.
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Category: Attitude & Perspective
Not Dwelling On the Past
It is clear from various Sefarim and in various
places in Chazal that we didn't always have free
will in the past.. To quote Rav Shlomo Wolbe, [zt"l]:
The great [Jewish] philosophers established
bechira as the cornerstone for the whole Torah....
But from this resulted a common misperception among
the masses; that all people actively choose their
every act and every decision. This is a grievous
error. (Alei Schur, Vol. 1, p. 156)
What, then, is bechira?
To answer this question, Rav Wolbe refers
us to Rav Eliyahu Dessler's "phenomenal essay on bechira"
(Michtav MeEliyahu,
Vol. 1, pp. 111-116). In this essay,Rav
Dessler describes how the "nekudas habechirah
- the point of free choice" is different for
different people and in different situations. He
explains that bechira is
not a theoretical concept that can be applied to any
circumstance where a person can hypothetically
choose between two options. Rather, it only applies
to moral conflicts where the two opposing forces are
of approximately equal strength, the person is aware
of the internal conflict, and he makes a conscious
decision in one direction. When a person does
something over which he does not experience
conscious conflict, or if the compelling force on
one side is significantly stronger than the other,
the fact that he is theoretically able to decide
either way does not qualify
his act as an expression of bechira.
Once we understand that we didn't always have free
will in the past, we will prevent the guilt from
dragging us down into a vicious cycle of despair and
continued falls. And guilt can be even more
dangerous than the falls. As they say: "It's not the
one cookie you ate that broke the diet. The diet
ended when you felt bad about that one cookie, and
then went on to finish the entire BOX!"
But when we talk about the present moment, we
can never know how much free will we have and we
must always try our very best.
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Daily Dose of Dov
Dov is sober in SA for 14 years. See his story
here.
Life without burdens is a sober life
Although I love what Hashem is doing for me since I
started using the 12 steps to allow Him
to do it, I sincerely believe there are many ways
that Hashem can do that for his kids. Some folks
clearly need a different way than the 12 steps in
order to reach what the 12 steps are about (as the
12th step declares) "a spiritual awakening" and
sobriety.
But clearly, 'learning how to stop masturbating'
is not the answer, and neither is 'learning how to stop
lusting'... 'Not' is just...well, 'not'!
Eventually, when things change enough that we want "it"
more than we want to be close to Hashem, our wives,
our kids, reality, sanity, or whatever - then we
pick up where we left off and get busy with lust
fantasy again. As precious as living with Hashem,
our wife/families, etc. are, they often lose their
panache. They eventually just get too boring, too
fraught with 'issues', too scary, or just
too...'too'. Life as I knew it was rarely enough to
stop me from acting out my hopes and dreams of lust
for long.
So the answer for
most addicts I have met is a
new attitude toward living that
is inside us. A change in our very motivations for
living. Amazing. Impossible, really...and that makes
it really amazing,
to me!
Most of the guys who
are sincerely interested in just 'not',
eventually 'do'
again, and find they need to stop 'stopping' and
instead, start letting go of burdens, and live.
Look, eventually we will all be
forced to
surrender all our
burdens.....by getting old, maybe sick, and surely,
by dying. So why not start letting go right now while
we can still live and enjoy the reduced 'weight'?
And a life without
burdens is a sober life. Cuz lust is always a drag
and always makes
us miserable, no matter how much we feel we need it
to live. And many of us do think just that,
in truth, which is why we do it so much.
But the steps cannot
be the only way,
I figure.
But I just
figured, why reinvent the wheel? So I went to 12
steps meetings (I chose SA) and chose a sponsor and
the rest was history for me and my family. See, my humiliation (leiv
nishbar) eventually led me to enough humility that I
could tolerate to just follow in the footsteps of
people who have already been successful getting and
staying free. I was ready to accept cheirus - even
if it meant learning it from a bunch of sexaholic
goyim perverts. (Though I will say that it's been
great fun so far, and that I just spent a Shabbos
with over 160 very frum yidden in SA recovery....so
there are plenty frum
yidden to learn recovery from, nowadays!)
Others need to grow
up another way, and I am sure that many have and
many will - kein yirbu!
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1041. |
Monday ~ 18 Sivan,
5771 ~ June 20, 2011
|
|
In Today's Issue
-
Announcements:
Elya's Call Tonight / Shmiras Ainayim Calls Back to
Normal
-
GYE News:
GuardYourEyes
Mentioned in New Book
-
Articles:
Addiction Recovery & the Miracle of Transcending
Human Nature
- Daily Dose of Dov:
Banging Our Heads
on the Aron Kodesh
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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Announcement
Elya's Call Tonight
Elya will be moderating a phone meeting tonight, at
9 PM Eastern time.
The call in number is 712-429-0690
PIN 225356
The topic will be: "How Slipping Helps You Recover
Faster"
Please attend this important topic and meeting.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Our Two Daily Shmiras Ainayim Phone Conferences
are
BACK TO REGULAR TIMES
Conference 1:
Windows of the Soul + Much More
Tel: 605-477-2100
Participant Code: 471561#
Times
Sun: 6:30 PM
Mon- Thurs: 8:30 PM
To hear playbacks of the last shiurim: 605-477-2199
Participant Code: 471561#
By default it plays the last shiur, but you can put
in reference #'s for previous shiurim (1-2)
~~~~~~~~~~
Conference 2:
Shmiras Ainayim & Chinuch
Tel: 209-647-1000
Participant Code: 616701#
Times
Mon- Thurs: 4:45 PM
To hear playbacks of the last shiurim: 209-647-1999
Participant Code: 616701#
By default it plays the last shiur, but you can put
in reference #'s for previous shiurim (2-8)
|
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Addiction Recovery and the Miracle of Transcending
Human Nature
By
Rabbi Shais Taub
An alcoholic once exclaimed: "It's only human
nature to drink" to which we reply, "Nature is what
we were put in this world to rise above!"
There is something literally miraculous in personal
self-transcendence and transformation. And I don't
use the word "miraculous" here frivolously or even
metaphorically. Indeed, I can't think of a more
technically precise or more edifying illustration of
what a miracle is than to point out what happens
when human beings really change.
I like to see the phenomenon of self-transcendence
as a unique opportunity to behold the very essence
of spirituality, like a little window into the
supernatural.
Let me explain.
Have well-meaning people ever tried to inspire you
by saying that the sun rising each morning is a
miracle? It's a nice thought. But kind of insipid.
The sunrise is marvelous, but once we start calling
something like that a miracle, the word loses
meaning.
Perhaps what they mean is that the sun rising each
morning is so awesome that it certainly would be a
miracle if it weren't so tediously
predictable. But imagine if one morning the sun were
to rise in the west. Now that would be a
miracle. What defines a miracle and sets it apart
from other phenomena is that it constitutes a break
from the natural order. Indeed, that's why one of
the words used to describe a miracle is
supernatural -- literally, something that
circumvents or surpasses nature.
So we have two modalities for reality: that which is
natural and that which is supernatural, the only
hard and fast distinction between the two being that
the supernatural is a break from the norm and
the natural is the norm.
So what does this have to do with personal
self-transcendence and transformation?
To wax philosophical for a moment: when a tree is a
tree and a mountain is a mountain and a stream is a
stream, each one of them is fulfilling its God-given
purpose. They're being what they're supposed to be.
For the tree, the mountain and the stream, natural
is good. But we human beings are different. We
fulfill our divine purpose not by being natural but
by striving for something supernatural; because,
unlike the tree, the mountain and the stream, we
were given the free choice to decide not to perform
our God-given purpose.
Do you wish to glimpse a world beyond our own? To
the believers and skeptics alike I ask: Why do we
need to see whether the clouds will part and light
will beam down and a heavenly voice will be heard?
Go behold a man or a woman who has risen above
nature's steely grip and now lives life on a higher
plane where the laws of human nature no longer hold
irrevocable sway. To meet such people is to begin to
understand what a miracle really is.
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Daily Dose of Dov
Dov is sober in SA for 14 years. See his story
here.
Banging Our Heads on the Aron Kodesh
To someone who suggests various Tikkunim, Mikva and
Hisbodedus for dealing with this addiction, Dov
writes:
L'sheim Yichud Kudsha brich Hu uS'chintei b'dechilu
urechimu, hareini muchan um'zuman l'kayem mitzvos
asei shel v'ohavta l'reiyacho komocha, v'nikdashti
besoch b'nei Yisroel:
I love Hashem. I love hisbodedus. Boruch Hashem I am
sober today and have been sober one day at a time
for some years know, which gives me the ability to
learn how to love Him more than ever, and I know
that He loves me. It gives me the ability to learn
how to truly love my wife and family and many other
people, as well.
And I sincerely want
you to know that every single time I escaped from
everyone else in my noisy life, to sit alone in a
bathroom and masturbate, I was misboded.
I was alone, quiet,
focused, and sincere...with the thing I trusted the
most in the world: fantasy and masturbation. That was my
hisbodedus.
And every time I
messed up by doing that, I felt super close
to Hashem and begged Him to take me back b'Chasdo. I
felt I was with Him...in
pain, but still clearly with Him!
And then I did it all
over again.
And again.
And I got worse and
worse and worse...and all the time I believed I was
on a mission to finally really do
teshuvah the next time
I had the tayva.
My yiddisheh brain knew that
Hashem has the only real love,
the only real sweet
beauty, and the only real hope
for me - lo
ayacheil!....but
my body believed otherwise. It knew the experience
of real pleasure from the things I was doing for
escape and pleasure. Pleasure does not lie. The body
cannot be easily fooled. Unfortunately, saying and
learning good things does not make them so -
especially when they are competing with a firmly
entrenched insanity like lust dependence.
For you, the
hisbodedus - done in the right way
(with Hashem) - is working. That is a beautiful
miracle. For me, focusing on Hashem in hisbodedus
was a complete waste of time because true Emunah was
only in
my mind...my body already
had a very different god. And it's god demanded
daily service. It was a jealous god. It had its own
rewards and its own punishments. It really did, to
me.
So I caution you to
consider that although the Torah is true - period,
and although Hashem is the
only real Beauty, Love, and Value that there
is...there are yidden who need an 'access ramp' to
the stuff you are talking about.
Mikvah and Tikun
Klali are 'magical'
and powerful, as you describe - and Hashem can do
anything. But for many sweet yidden (like me)
banging our heads for just a few more weeks or
months on the Aron Kodesh can cost them their
marriages, the mental health of their children, and
may cost them their sanity, as well as their Olam
Haba.
It seems to me that
what matters to you most here is the terrible
aveiro. I respectfully disagree with that
perspective, particularly for addicts.
I do not know what
you mean when you say the word "addict", but for the
addicts who I know (like me), the ikkar problem with
the habit of these aveiros is not mainly the
aveiros, but that we are unable to really live as
long as we are medicating with tayvo. Our
relationships are filled with faykerai, our davening
is a silly 'ratzo vashov' between "I am horrible and
evil" and "Hashem take me back!". That is not avodah
at all. It is shtuyot. Unfortunately many have made
a business out of it and many consider it the ikkar
avodah of their lives. Well, I believe that they are
hiding in a sweet little corner of
Torah and missing the entire daled
amos of
a Torah
life.
But who am I, and who besides me should care what I believe?
Before saying that
your way is guaranteed, or the only way for serious
yidden, please consider that many people will find
hatzlocha and brocha in a completely different
derech than yours.
I agree 100% with a
lot of the tachlis of your derech. For me, the
solution is to find out that Hashem really is my
Best Friend. For me, hisbodedus with Him is a gift
from Hashem and I cannot survive without hisbodedus.
But many people need to come to it on a completely
different path than you suggest.
Hatzlocha!!
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1042. |
Tuesday ~ 19 Sivan,
5771 ~ June 21, 2011
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In Today's Issue
-
Practical Tips:
Exercise & Self Discipline
-
Excerpts:
The Mask in the Mirror - Preface
- Daily Dose of Dov:
"More Yiras
Shamayim" is not what we're missing
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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Category: Practical Tips
Exercise & Self-Discipline
Someone posted on the forum:
A couple of months ago, before I became an addict, I
used to work out a lot. As soon as I stopped that
and started junk food, I fell.
Another poster replies:
I think that there is a lot of truth and wisdom in
this observation of yours, and have found a similar
pattern in my own behavior. Exercise is not in
itself a remedy, but the discipline is a good
barometer of holistic health, and the hobby aspect
is a magnificent alternative. The "letting yourself
go" (junk food, etc.) is likewise a great indicator,
and the beginning of a downward spiral. It is one
of the "danger signs" that, with practice, one can
recognize and use to correct behavior early on
(which I learnt in CBT - cognitive behavioral
therapy).
My Rosh
Yeshiva (principal
of my religious seminary) was a great proponent of
exercise for the bochurim (young
men).
A third person writes:
To help us learn self discipline, try this
suggestion from our Sages, mentioned in Mussar
sefarim:
In order to break the
hold out Teivos (desires) have on us, whenever we
eat, we could consciously avoid eating to our
fullest desire. At the end of each meal, three times
a day, take the last little bite(s) of the food and
drink you were planning on finishing, and set them
aside "l'zoreich bori" (for the sake of my Creator).
Don't set this aside at the beginning of the meal,
rather let it be the last pieces on your plate or in
your cup, and then
refrain from
eating and drinking them. And say "I am doing this
out of respect to my Creator, in order to not
fullfill all my desires." This is greater than
difficult and draining all-day fasts, for it is
every day, 3 times per day, and trains us into the
attitude that "we are no longer forced to obey our
urges and desires." As one of our Holy Warriors on
the 12 Step Conference put it, "We are NOT our
Inclinations. They do not define us."
This conditioning
will have an effect on our ability to withhold from
temptations in many areas.
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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The
Mask in the Mirror
Here is the preface to a new e-Book written by Elya
K. called "The Mask in the Mirror". Elya is a U.S.
Hotline Moderator, Sponsor and Group Leader for GYE
for already 3 years. To purchase the e-Book for $3
contact Elya by
clicking here.
Every person is born with an innate need for
connection. As infants we find solace in the arms
of our mothers and as we grow we feel a part of our
family when we are hugged and made to feel a valued
member of our family.
When neglect, abandonment, abuse or trauma separate
children from their family unit, physically,
sexually or emotionally, children learn quickly to
find someone or some thing they can connect with in
order to feel safe and secure. Some children turn
to join gangs or use drugs because they finally feel
accepted as a member of this new group. Others turn
to alcohol, sex, work, food or gambling to numb the
agony of abandonment and low self esteem.
To cope with the outside world in the midst of inner
turmoil, the addict resorts to compartmentalizing
his life; wearing a mask in public to cover up his
inner shame and guilt. When he returns to his
"accepted group" of choice he looks in the mirror
and convinces himself that he has now transformed
himself into a new person behind the mask. His mask
becomes his identity.
The Ateres Zekainim on Pirkey Avos says on the
Mishna in Perek 2:2, "dissatisfaction is a prime
factor in man's vulnerability to the temptation of
the Evil Inclination. Unfulfilled people may
fantasize that if only they had this or that
pleasure, they would truly be satisfied."
Instead we are commanded to fill our time with both
Torah study and an occupation so we have no idle
time for fantasy. This also leaves us no time for
inner contemplation and reflection.
Yet, it seems the pull of the evil inclination is
much stronger for the suffering addict. When he
feels resentful, irritable or discontent; when he is
not spiritually fit, he reverts back to his
childhood belief that again he is disconnected and
abandoned. Now he must choose fantasy to fill his
time instead of a more rational, healthier
activity. His mask again hides his secret life
until he looks in the mirror. In the mirror he
senses there has to be a better way to live than in
the prison of his own mind, behind this mask.
For several years now, I have had the privilege of
helping hundreds of Jewish addicts get and stay
sober due to my association with
http://guardyoureyes.org. This book is a
compilation of letters, poems, essays and practical
advice which I have shared in personal
correspondence, group sessions and in person with
people suffering with addictions. It is my hope
that you, the reader will discover practical ways to
stay sober and achieve serenity and in the process
be able to help others.
All names and situations have been altered to
protect anonymity, the foundation of all 12 step
programs. Because of the nature of writing a book
in the form of letters, many ideas will be
repeated. But just like repetition in meetings is
helpful, reading similar concepts over and over
again, categorized by topic will help you remain
balanced no matter which way the storm blows your
ship.
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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Daily Dose of Dov
Dov is sober in SA for 14 years. See his story
here.
"More Yiras Shamayim" is not what we're missing
This is a continuation to yesterday's "Daily
Dose of Dov" called "Banging our heads on the Aron
Kodesh". People often ask why Yiras Shamayim is not
enough to stop us. Here Dov responds to one such
claim. (Note: What Dov writes here is strictly for
real addicts):
As far as I am concerned, an addict has the
right to keep using his drug - and no one can tell
him he can't - it will not stop him. He needs to
learn yir'oh from
the pain of using his drug, be it masturbation,
alcohol, gambling, heroin, rage, whatever. He needs
to come to the point that he discovers that he cannot use
his drug any more. Not because Hashem tells
him so, but because he himself discovers
it.
To me, the fact that
it is an aveiroh is actually a distraction from
recovery and prolongs the agony and destruction
because it fools a person to think that he is
experiencing a
struggle to be good vs bad - to do Hashem's Will vs
the Satan's will....and
in truth his
is a battle between losing
his life to insanity and sickness vs living life by
getting sanity and wellness.
The sforim are there.
The aveiro is well-known. I do not believe that
learning the gravity of the aveiro is what I needed.
It was a mistake, actually. I did that and learned
the entire sefer Yesod Yosef (not the one about
mussar and avodah by the talmid of the Kav haYoshor
, but the one that the kitzur suggests
that is strictly about hz"l), and all it did for me
was to get me horribly guilty and confused because I
could not stop. I also read the English of Shivchei
haR"N about Rebbi Nachman, zt"l. I went to mikvah. I
did what I knew at the time, and sincerely. No go.
It was horrible.
And I do not believe
more yir'ah is what many need. We have yir'ah - it
is just not effective. Maybe we do not really have
the right yir'oh? Really, I am sure we do not have
it....do any of us ever get it? I do not know. All I
know is that ein
chovush matir es atzmo mibeis ha'asurim.
We need mesiras
nefesh to open the door to get well, period. And
more than anything else - more than any sefer or
mikvah, it was my
acting out -
my aveiros, you might say - that brought me to the
point of mesiras nefesh. I lost myself to lust - I
nearly gave it my nefesh - and had no choice but to
ask Hashem to
get me back. There was nobody else around to ask.
And he led me to recovering sex/lust addicts who
learned about recovery from drunks and shared it
with others. I followed their direction and here I
am, with you and with Hashem. So far, so good.
Perhaps you are
talking about yidden who can stop,
and I am talking of addicts. Perhaps you are only
talking about yidden who do the aveiroh and it has
not invaded their lifestyle yet.
My business is in addicts; hopeless losers to lust
who have tried everything. So by all means, I hope
whoever wants to try your derech does it exactly.
And the ones that lose and are finally convinced
that they just can't do it and give up completely
will have me as their friend at the other end of the
mikvah hall...
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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Our Two Daily Shmiras Ainayim Phone Conferences
are
BACK TO REGULAR TIMES
Conference 1:
Windows of the Soul + Much More
Tel: 605-477-2100
Participant Code: 471561#
Times
Sun: 6:30 PM
Mon- Thurs: 8:30 PM
To hear playbacks of the last shiurim: 605-477-2199
Participant Code: 471561#
By default it plays the last shiur, but you can put
in reference #'s for previous shiurim (1-2)
~~~~~~~~~~
Conference 2:
Shmiras Ainayim & Chinuch
Tel: 209-647-1000
Participant Code: 616701#
Times
Mon- Thurs: 4:45 PM
To hear playbacks of the last shiurim: 209-647-1999
Participant Code: 616701#
By default it plays the last shiur, but you can put
in reference #'s for previous shiurim (2-8)
Download the last 25 Shmiras Ainayim Shiurim (in MP3
Format) HERE
To see a chart of all our phone
conferences,
click here.
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1043. |
Wednesday ~ 20
Sivan, 5771 ~ June 22, 2011
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|
In Today's Issue
-
Audio Link/Shiur:
Before a promotion there's always a test
-
Practical/Spiritual Tips:
Nedarim That Really Work
-
Excerpts:
The Mask in the Mirror - Introduction
- Daily Dose of Dov:
Real Bitachon
comes in baby steps
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Category: Audio Link/Shiur
Before a promotion there's always a test
Sent in by "Yosef Hatzadik". He writes:
"Please share this shiur with the GYE community.
Interesting delivery style and GREAT CHIZUK!"
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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Category: Practical/Spiritual Tips
Nedarim That Really Work
We thought we had Yiras Shamayim, but for some
reason when we get a lust attack the Yiras Shamayim
doesn't seem to work very well. But don't feel bad.
It doesn't mean you don't have any Yiras Shamayim.
When Rav Yochanan Ben
Zakai blessed his students before he died he said,
"May your fear of heaven be equal to your fear of
man". And his students asked him: "Rebbe, is that
all?". And he answered: "Halevai!".
And even Rav Amram Raban Shel Chassidim
(Kidushin 81/a) wasn't able to stop himself when
faced head-on with lust, without resorting to
drastic measures.
We all know that AFTER the fact (when the desires
have been quieted), we are much more willing to do
what it takes to stop the NEXT occurrence. So here's
an idea that works very well with normal frum
addicts who (a) have some Yiras Shamayim and (b) are
at a light-to-medium addiction level (this doesn't
work well with high levels of addiction). The idea
is to make a Neder that AFTER we act out (on our
bottom line behaviors) we will do something painful.
Will we keep this neder? Most frum addicts
would. After all, it is AFTER the acting out. The
desires have already been silenced and we feel bad.
We don't want to throw away the rest of our
Yiddishkeit, correct?
Here is an example of two Nedarim that we recently
helped someone set up for himself. He told us that
now that he made these Nedarim he feels a new
freedom in his life!
1) I am mekabel upon myself b'neder for one month
that if I have any sort of sexual encounter with any
person besides my wife, then I will donate $2500 to
GYE from my next month's salary and I will tell a
close friend what I have done, for each day on which
I did this sin.
2) I am mekabel upon myself b'neder for one month
that if I if I am intentionally motzi zera livatala
while fully awake, or if I intentionally obtain
adult sexual material of any sort, digital or
printed (i.e. DVDs or Magazines), with the intention
of arousing myself, or if I intentionally go to - or
search for - any websites or web pages, pictures,
videos, chats or forums, for the purpose of viewing
adult sexual content or messages or facilitations of
sexual encounters, or if I initiate contact with -
or respond positively to - any woman other than my
wife for a sexually related purpose, or if I partake
of any illicit sexually oriented services of any
kind, then I will donate $500 to GYE and tell a
close friend what I have done, for each day on which
I do any one - or more - of these things. If I
forget that I made this neder and do one of these
things, I will only donate $100.
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The
Mask in the Mirror
Excerpt 2
Here is the INTRODUCTION to a new e-Book written
by Elya K. called "The Mask in the Mirror". Elya is
a U.S. Hotline Moderator, Sponsor and Group Leader
for GYE for already 3 years. To purchase the e-Book
from Elya for $3
click here.
The
Gemorah says, "Sheva Yipol Tzaddik V'Kum." A Tzaddik
falls seven times and gets up. It does not say this
person is a rasha, it says a Tzaddik. Part of
being human is to fall and get up, NOT give up.
Want
to find out if you really have an addiction problem?
Answer the questions on
this page.
If you are indeed addicted then you have a disease
which is causing a lack of motivation and a longing
for connection. Addicts sexualize boredom,
loneliness, anger, guilt, stress and resentment.
Our addiction (the Yetzer Horah) tells us that we
can do Teshuva by passing by places we used to go,
just to say we passed by and didn't go in again, or
browsing the sites we used to browse, and watch the
movies we used to watch... But this is a setup,
because when you do it enough times you will go back
to your old behaviors.
It's like this anonymous story in 5 chapters:
Chapter 1: I walk down the street. There is a
deep hole in the sidewalk. I fall in. I am lost...
I am helpless. It isn't my fault. It takes forever
to find a way out.
Chapter 2: I walk down the same street; there
is a deep hole in the sidewalk. I pretend I don't
see. I fall in again. I can't believe I am in this
same place. But it isn't my fault. It still takes a
long time to get out.
Chapter 3: I walk down the same street; there
is a deep hole in the sidewalk. I see the hole, I
fall in, it's a habit... but my eyes are open. I
know where I am. It is my fault. I get out
immediately.
Chapter 4: I walk down the same street; there
is a deep hole in the sidewalk. I walk around it.
Chapter 5: I walk down a different street.
This is the story of recovery... setting boundaries,
slipping, getting back up, working on your character
traits, eliminating resentments, making amends and
helping others find serenity and sobriety. Only
when we let go and admit our powerlessness can we
begin walking down a different street.
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Daily Dose of Dov
Dov is sober in SA for 14 years. See his story
here.
Real Bitachon comes in baby steps
Living "one day at a time" really boils down to
being oseik in today's business today, and
tomorrow's business tomorrow.
Taking baby steps in
turning our will and our lives over to His care. In
other words, to start trusting that He'll make
today's efforts work out right - so we do not need
to feel like we have to jump ahead and worry about
tomorrow, next year, or next decade. That unknown
and untrustworthy future is where many of our
self-centered and childish fears live and breathe,
you know.
And we slowly begin
to let go of the pains of our past and
trust that He'll make it right,
too. That He will help us do what we can to correct
things, and help us accept our powerlessness over
what we cannot. Like the serenity prayer talks
about.
These things are
probably among the most basic to
true yiddishkeit. Just basic simple trust in Hashem
in our real lives - in our marriages (or lack
thereof), our schoolwork, relationships, growth, and
health - real life, rather than just a sefer or a
sugya. We can grow tremendously in learning and
practice of Torah and mitzvos without this, of
course. And normal people can get by...many probably
do, nebach. But for an addict, too many 'alarms' go
off and life becomes too unbearable. We are just too
screwed up, I guess, so we need to
learn to live in the present, otherwise we cannot
really live, at all.
Not a very bad fate,
really.
To me, what sets it
all apart from the almost useless faith I had
before, was that when I heard about bitachon, it was
all about the extremes: Either I went all the way
and trusted Him fully, or not. Recovery showed me
that real bitachon grows out of the little,
unglamorous, insignificant-appearing things, and
comes in tiny, little steps. To me, that used to
appear unimportant - not what the sforim are really
talking about - or maybe even as apikorsus, or at
least hypocrisy. B"H the truth is that useful emunah
and bitachon are only learned
through real life action, that is, from taking steps
- and not from s'forim and 'step-study'.
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1044. |
Thursday ~ 21 Sivan,
5771 ~ June 23, 2011
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In Today's Issue
-
Good News:
GYE Handbook Overhaul
-
Practical/Spiritual Tips:
Nedarim or Shavuos?
-
The Mask in the
Mirror: Excerpt 3 - Connection vs. Isolation
- Daily Dose of Dov:
It Takes One To
Teach One
-
Announcement:
Only one daily Shmiras Ainayim phone conference now
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Good News!
GYE
Handbook Overhaul
We just finished redoing "The Guard Your Eyes
Handbook" from the ground up. We added new tools,
rearranged the order of the tools and principles,
and made many changes, fixes and additions as well.
We also cut out unnecessary or outdated info, and
added more Chazals and examples to the tools and
principles.
Download the new version here.
(Right click and press "Save Target/Link As")
Here are some of the changes:
-
We added a tool in the beginning called "Stop"
-
We added a tool called "Physical Activity"
-
We made the TaPHSiC method as a tool on its own
called: "Extra Strong Fences".
-
We combined the old tool called "Using the tools
of our website" with the tool called "Daily
Chizuk".
-
We changed the order of the handbook, changing
part 1: Attitude, into Part 2.
We also completely rearranged the "Attitude"
section, putting all the non-addiction related
attitudes in the beginning (1-21), and the addiction
level attitude principles at the end (1-9). The
benefit of this, is that we can now send ANYONE who
struggles with lust to read the first 21 principles
of the attitude section, even if they don't yet have
an addiction. This is often important for typical
Bochurim, and also for those who don't connect with
the "Addiction Model".
If anyone has any suggestions or finds any mistakes
in the new version, please let us know. We would be
happy if a professional editor would be willing to
go through it and help us make it even more
professional. If you are qualified, please contact
us at
eyes.guard@gmail.com.
Please pass this handbook on to anyone who might
need it, including Mechanchim, Rabbanim and
community leaders - who can use it to help others!
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Category: Practical/Spiritual Tips
Nedarim or Shvuos?
Correction and Elaboration
Yesterday we brought a piece called "Nedarim That
Really Work". After checking over the halachos, we
learned the difference between a Neder and a Shavuah.
A Neder is an "Issur Cheftza". For example someone
can say, "I make a Neder that cake is assur to me
for a week". However a Shavuah is an "Issur Gavra",
for example, "I swear that if I eat cake, I will pay
$10 to tzedaka".
Therefore the suggestions that we brought yesterday
would be called "Shavuos" and not "Nedarim".
The issur for both though, is the same, i.e. an
issur lo saseh as well as an aseh ("Lo Yachel
Divaro" and "Ki'chol Hayotzeh Mipiv Yaaseh").
If a person makes the neder or shavuah in the name
of Hashem and then transgresses it, he also
transgresses the very stringent issur of "Lo sisa es
shem Hashem Elokecha lashav", which is one of the
Aseres Hadibros and is unforgivable, as the Pasuk
says "Ki lo yinakeh Hashem es asher Yisa es Shemo
Lashav". That is why we only suggest using Hashem's
name in later tools of the handbook - if nothing
else has worked (see tool #10 of the new handbook
called "Extra Strong Fences: The TaPHSiC Method).
Even so, it must be done with utmost care, and one
should only make a shavuah that one is 100% sure
they can keep.
In light of the above correction, here is an
updated version of the example "nussach" that we
brought yesterday:
1) I swear for one
month that if I if I am intentionally motzi zera
livatala while fully awake, or if I intentionally
obtain adult sexual material of any sort, digital or
printed (i.e. DVDs or Magazines), or if I
intentionally go to - or search for - any websites
or web pages, pictures, videos, chats or forums, for
the purpose of viewing adult sexual content or
messages or facilitations of sexual encounters, or
if I initiate contact with - or respond positively
to - any woman other than my wife for a sexually
related purpose, or if I partake of any illicit
sexually oriented services of any kind, then I will
donate $500 to GYE and tell _______ (a close friend)
what I have done, for each day on which I do any one
- or more - of these things. If I forget that I made
this Shvuah and do one of these things, I will only
donate $100.
2) I swear for one
month that if I have any sort of sexual encounter
with any person besides my wife, then I will donate
$2500 to GYE from my next month's salary and I will
tell _______ (a close friend) what I have done, for
each day on which I do this sin.
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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The
Mask in the Mirror
Excerpt 3
Here we bring an excerpt from an e-Book written
by Elya K. called "The Mask in the Mirror". Elya is
a U.S. Hotline Moderator, Sponsor and Group Leader
for GYE for already 3 years. To purchase the e-Book
from Elya for $3
click here.
CONNECTION
VERSUS ISOLATION
Dear Fellow Jew,
Sex and Love Addiction is a problem of
connection. Some people
have a hole in their soul and fill it up by escaping
into a fantasy land where quick pleasures give them
temporary relief and then they feel horrible and do
it again to feel better again. It becomes a vicious
cycle of feeling
à
sooth feeling
à
regret action
à
sooth regret. This is no way to live. Figure out
what is causing you to want to escape (loneliness,
anger, resentment, fear, anxiety, stress) and learn
new ways to cope.
G-d gives us certain tests to overcome. He also gave
us Teshuva (repentance) KNOWING we will fail, or
else why would HE give it to us? As long as you're
working on improving (spirituality), G-d will listen
to your regrets and consider them as a positive
restoration of your soul. Regretting sin is
repenting. So you are already a Baal Teshuva
(person who has repented).
This is also a disease of isolation. We are
desperately looking for connection with G-d and
another human being to fill up this hole in our
soul, which causes us to numb out with fantasy.
Then we feel bad and numb out again to relieve the
pain.
You cannot avoid sin completely. King Solomon in
Koheles (Ecclesiastes) said, "There is no man who
has not sinned." There will always be triggers,
anger, isolation, loneliness and sadness. It's our
attitude which determines what we'll do when they
occur; and they
will
occur. You cannot simply avoid the world and live
in a cave the rest of your life.
Your job is to figure out what is making you want to
escape into fantasy land. Usually it is one of
these character traits: fear, loneliness, anger or
resentment. Eliminate these from your heart and
you'll enjoy a new freedom in your life.
How do you do this?
-
Join a 12 step group in your city or
on the phone.
-
Read the Handbook and Attitude materials,
downloadable here.
-
Get a sponsor or a friend to talk to. The more
SPECIFIC details you reveal, the more you
release the shame and guilt from your body and
become free.
-
Read recovery books and materials before you go
to bed.
-
Make an accounting of your day before you go to
bed. Were you angry, short tempered? Is there
someone you need to apologize to? Did you
spend your day helping someone else, or were you
isolated and self absorbed?
Get up in the morning and pray to G-d to help you
stay sober, just for today.
Remember, doing the same thing over and over again
and expecting different results is INSANITY. It's
your choice. SERENITY VS. INSANITY. Which one will
give you long lasting happiness instead of a quick
fix or cheap thrill?
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Daily Dose of Dov
Dov is sober in SA for 14 years. See his story
here.
It Takes One To Teach One
AA, in "A vision for you" somewhere near the end
teaches that "obviously you can't transmit
something you haven't
got" (italics mine). To me, that means that if
someone is not an addict at all, the words he will
try to inspire an addict with - be they Torah-truth,
or not - will have no real effect. They may inspire,
but somehow, they will not bring about any change.
AAs discovered that
addicts - the least qualified
of humanity - can help addicts.
To me, that is why
rabbonnim generally help for guidance only -
it is the addict that
an addict needs to actually get
better.
And that's why, to
me, the words of Rav Dessler (somewhere in chelek
alef of Michtav M'Eliyahu) ring so true here, where
he writes that mussar
will only have an true effect on the students if the
teacher has actually been koneh the madreiga he is
teaching about, himself.
He writes that he teaches nothing that he has not
actually done himself.
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1045. |
Friday ~ 22 Sivan,
5771 ~ June 24, 2011
Erev Shabbos Parshas Korach
|
|
In Today's Issue
-
GYE News:
New GYE Handbook
-
Parshas Korach:
It's not the job that counts, but WHO gave it.
-
Parshas Korach:
The "struggle" is the flower before the fruit.
-
The Mask in the
Mirror: Excerpt 4 - Depression
- Daily Dose of Dov:
Hashem wants to be
our G-d, not clean our mess.
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
New GYE
Handbook
We just finished redoing "The Guard Your Eyes
Handbook" from the ground up. We added new tools,
rearranged the order of the tools and principles,
and made many changes, fixes and additions as well.
We also cut out unnecessary or outdated info, and
added more Chazals and examples...
Download the new version here.
(Right click and press "Save Target/Link As")
We would be happy if a professional editor would be
willing to go through it and help us make it even
more professional. If you are qualified, please
contact us at
eyes.guard@gmail.com.
Please pass this handbook on to anyone who might
need it, including Mechanchim, Rabbanim and
community leaders - who can use it to help others!
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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Category: Torah > Parshas Korach
It's not the job that counts, but WHO gave
it.
By "Zemiros Shabbos"
The Rebbe Avrohom of Slonim zy"a, the Yesod
Ha'avoda, in Toras Avos writes that the primary
shortcoming of Korach was that he sought great
levels in avodas Hashem, which is why he desired the
kehuna gedola. A person should feel that the even
the seemingly minor avoda is something for which he
is not truly deserving or worthy.
Moshe said to Korach "Rav lachem", you are
constantly seeking the highest levels, rav. "Hame'at
mikem" is your current avoda paltry in your eyes?
"VeAharon ma hu", Aharon feels unworthy and
undeserving of the avoda he does.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Elaboration on the above piece:
The above is a big Yesod in Avodas Hashem, and
especially for those who deal with this struggle.
It's not WHAT our job is that counts, it's our
recognition of WHO GAVE US the job. If we recognize
that the king himself gave us this task, then even
the most menial job should make us rejoice.
I once saw a National Geographic documentary about
Airforce 1 - the president's personal jumbo jet. And
the man in charge of cleaning the president's
bathroom told over with pride, "very few people
realize that this is the hand that cleans the
president's restroom, right here...".
We who struggle in these areas should rejoice that
we have been chosen to CLEAN THE KING'S PERSONAL
BATHROOM!
See
this nice post from "Mechzek" for more
elaboration on this idea, with regards to Aharon
Hakohen cleaning the Menorah each day.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The "struggle" is the flower before the fruit
By "Yosef Hatzadik"
V'hinai
parach matei Aharon... vayotzei perach vayatzeitz
tzitz vayigmol shkeidim. (17:23)
Quote from: Harav Moshe Feinstein Zt"l, Sefer
Darash Moshe:
"The blossoms stayed on Aharon's staff even after
it was laden with almonds! (Usually, the blossom
falls off & the fruit grows in its place)
This is to teach us that, in Kedusha matters, all
the toil & pain which we endured in attaining our
goal doesn't get washed away with the focus being
only on the end result. Aderaba, that stays in the
person's 'account' to his everlasting credit!"
Many of us wish for the day when we will be 'cured'
& will be able to leave this whole process behind...
We should know & remember: This is not just a path
toward our destiny, this IS our destiny!
Hashem doesn't care for us being perfectly clean. He
put us here FOR the journey.
He wants our growing
pains! He wants to watch us blossom!
Our current experiences are being recorded by Hashem.
He is gonna treasure them FOREVER!
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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The
Mask in the Mirror
Excerpt 4
Here we bring an excerpt from an e-Book written
by Elya K. called "The Mask in the Mirror". Elya is
a U.S. Hotline Moderator, Sponsor and Group Leader
for GYE for already 3 years. To purchase the e-Book
from Elya for $3
click here.
Depression
Dear Fellow Jew:
None of us want to start
over again. We want the world and everyone in it to
treat us kindly, say the right things every time,
and meet our demands and deadlines. It's all about
us; ME, ME, ME, ME.
Depression is anger
turned inward. The only way out of
depression, aside from Prozac, is action. Instead of
wallowing in your own misery, do something fun for
yourself that's HEALTHY! When was the last time you
and your wife went out to a shiur, for a walk or to
dinner together?
If you suffer from depression, look into
antidepressant medication. If you suffer from
obsessive sexual thinking, look into
SSRI medication (scroll down in the link).
Today, these medications can work wonders in tandem
with therapy, and they have virtually no
side-effects! These meds do not have to be taken for
life, but rather a period of 8-10 months is often
enough to help you on your way to recovery.
So dear Yidden! It is vital to realize that
often it's not just a matter of chizuk and
mussar. This is a medical condition and disease,
and it must be treated as such, hand in hand with
the spiritual healing.
We've all waited too long. The time for excuses
is over.
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|
1046. |
Sunday ~ 24 Sivan,
5771 ~ June 26, 2011
|
|
In Today's Issue
-
Parshas Korach:
From the Depths of She'ol
-
Audio Link:
Interesting Interview
-
The Mask in the
Mirror: Excerpt 5 - Fighting vs. Letting Go
- Daily Dose of Dov:
Love Cripples
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Category: Torah > Parshas Korach
From the Depths of She'ol
The Pasuk says that the children of Korach didn't
die. The Medrash says that as the children of Korach
were falling into 'she'ol' they said to Hashem, "Hashem,
it is known that Klal Yisrael won't achieve
redemption until they 'hit bottom'. We have hit
bottom, PLEASE SAVE US!" And Hashem replied, "You
have won me, my sons. It is all in your hands. If
you turn your hearts to Heaven you will be saved".
And they turned their hearts to Hashem and Hashem
lifted the ground up under them and they were saved.
And from them came Shmuel Hanavi, the head of the
Nevi'im. As Chana praised Hashem, "Morid sho'el
vayo'al - (Hashem) takes down to she'ol and
uplifts"...
What can we learn from this? That davka when
we feel we "hit bottom", we have the ability to turn
it all around and achieve personal redemption. When
we recognize that we are in the depths of "she'ol"
and turn our hearts to Hashem, He will uplift us.
But why indeed does it take "hitting bottom" to
achieve redemption? Perhaps because it is at that
point that we recognize CLEARLY that we have no one
to rely on but Hashem. And that is what Hashem waits
for us to feel--with our entire being.
If that's the reason, then it follows that if we
want to avoid "hitting bottom" before being
saved by Hashem, the eitza is to recognize
already NOW that whatever success we have is not
through our own strength, but because Hashem is
helping us. We need to pour out our hearts to Hashem
every day and say, "Hashem, I know I can't
do this alone, please help me succeed today"...
Those who think they are "strong" never merit true
personal redemption. Hashem doesn't desire
"strength". He has enough powerful Malachim in
Heaven. As the pasuk says, "Not in the strength of
the horse does He desire.... (maybe because those
who think they are strong on their own are no better
than a horse)... [but rather] Hashem desires those
who fear Him; those who hope to his salvation".
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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Category: Audio Link
Interesting Interview
By "alexeliezer"
Johns Hopkins Neuroscience Professor David Lynden
wrote a book on the neurochemistry of pleasure and
addiction titled "The Compass of Pleasure". You can
hear an amazing interview with him by clicking the
link above . He is very
knowledgeable about addiction and had some amazing
things to say. Some things we already know, like
that the brain is permanently altered by addiction
(*sigh*), and why stress triggers acting out. I
found what he had to say very helpful in
understanding what we're dealing with.
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The
Mask in the Mirror
Excerpt 5
Here's an excerpt from an e-Book written by Elya
K. called "The Mask in the Mirror". Elya is a U.S.
Hotline Moderator, Sponsor and Group Leader for GYE
for already 3 years. To purchase the e-Book from
Elya for $3
click here.
FIGHTING VERSUS
LETTING GO
It's not your body you have to control, it's your
mind. Switch your thinking and your body will heal.
You can only have one thought in your mind at a
time. Use your mind for a change!!!!! The key to
recovery and serenity is to live in the moment, just
for today, just for the hour, just for the minute.
The more you fight to be in control of everything
around you, the more you'll fall and keep falling.
Let go, relax and let G-d control things for you.
Find a live group in your area. Accept that what is
happening in your life is what G-d wants to happen.
HE will help you but you have to be willing to
accept HIM being in control. You have to become a
pure accepting vessel before G-d will fill you up
with serenity.
You're realizing with each fall how powerless you
are to control this by yourself, aren't you? That's
the first and most essential step. It is good idea
to begin looking inside for what is causing you to
be irritable, resentful and disconnect and needing
to escape into a fantasy world.
Just going to meetings will not do it. You've got
to begin establishing personal relationships with
people you trust from the meetings, and then meet
with them personally to discuss what is going on.
This is really not about the addiction, whether
it's lust, alcohol, drugs or food. It's that we use
our acting out behavior to cover up a spiritual hole
yearning for connection and intimacy with another
person and/or with G-d.
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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Daily Dose of Dov
Dov is sober in SA for 14 years. See his story
here.
Love Cripples
To an addict who separated from his wife and
thinks that maybe divorce would help him start
"anew", Dov writes:
Dear whatever-your-name-really-is,
There are many, many
frum families I have firsthand knowledge of
(including my own) that were restored through
recovery. The sex therapist you speak of might be a
help, I do not know. I never went to one. Even
though my addiction is all about the use of porn,
obsessive fantasy and telephone shmutz, following
women and other things of that nature, my problem is
not a sexual one. Certainly I have sexual problems,
but that is not the doorway I need to walk through
to get well. My issue is that I am an addict.
I am an addict and
lust is just my drug
of choice.
And today I am sober one day at a time for years,
along with many other people through a recovery
fellowship that includes hundreds of frum people,
too. Hashem helps me one day at a time to live
sanely. My life is different in every way. It
has to be. If you are like me, then your life
will have to be different, even if you divorce. That
has nothing to do with you getting better, or not.
In fact, if your wife
sees that you are trying to get better just in order
to prevent the divorce, that will not mean much to
her, I think. She needs to see that you surrender
her, the kids, and everything - that your priority
in life is your own sobriety and recovery, period.
Then she might say to herself, "maybe it isn't the
same old lies. Maybe he will change...let
me give him more time and see."
You describe that the
initial excuse for your separation was that you do
not help around the house, etc. I do not doubt that
this is actually part of the truth. This picture is
typical of spouses who are lust addicts. We
are love cripples. You
were not joined with this woman in real life -
because you do not have the keilim for a real
relationship. As SA's White Book puts it: We went
for the unreal, for the connection that had the
'magic' - because it
bypassed true intimacy and real union. We were
love-cripples.
This is not a time to
feel sorry for yourself. For G-d's sake, go to an
all-french meeting and sit there like a dummy and
absorb the recovery around you. You need help, as I
and all other addicts do. There will be nothing
different with the 'next wife' unless you get a ton
of help to really, slowly, change the way you think
and live.
So, you are a
sincere, growing up, caring - and at the same time a
liar, immature, self-centered, and hurting. Nu. So
are all of us. The only question is - what concrete
actions can you take right now to get better?
Let your
wife know about S-Anon but
remember that your ball is not in
her court - it is in yours.
I hope and pray she gives your marriage a chance at
recovery and that she joins you in it. Above and
beyond any hard feelings - and there are surely many
- you as a couple need help. You may need to begin
as individuals. Hatzlocha.
Love,
Dov
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1047. |
Tuesday ~ 26 Sivan,
5771 ~ June 28, 2011
|
|
In Today's Issue
-
Personal
Victories:
Close Call
-
Sayings:
Quote from Rav Miller
-
The Mask in the
Mirror: Excerpt 6 - Fighting vs. Letting Go,
Part 2
- Daily Dose of Dov:
For me, the "first
drink" is pikuach nefesh.
-
POWERFUL!
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Category: Personal Victories
Close Call
"Kedusha" shared:
In spite
of my office's filter, I found myself least week on
a website that allows you to perform searches that
can lead to what, by Torah standards, is
inappropriate material (I had seen the website
mentioned in a legitimate article). Although for
some people, the website has valid business uses, I
had no reason to be there.
Out of
curiosity, I typed in a certain search term, and the
auto complete feature indicated that trouble was
ahead if I completed the search. I took a deep
breath, and repeated a few times to myself:
"If I click 'search,' I'm toast!"
Instead, to satisfy my curiosity, I typed in a
few benign search terms and ran the searches. (Even
benign searches are a bad idea, because you never
know what's going to come up on the screen. But,
being that, sof kol sof, the search terms were
benign, it wasn't a very big deal.)
Anyway,
Boruch Hashem I closed out of it before allowing
myself to go on a very slippery slope, which would
have been the end of 25+ months of sobriety.
In the
past few days, various things happened which made me
say to myself, "B"H I'm still clean. It
would have been difficult to deal with this
situation otherwise!" :)
Someone
replied:
Thank
you Kedusha. You have no idea how close I was to
falling with my eyes again THIS VERY SECOND out of a
curiousity search. B"H your share just saved me in
the nick of time.
I'm
gonna give it up to Hashem this instant, and get off
the battle field.
THANX!!
May H' always bless you!!
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Category: Sayings
Quote from Rav Avigdor Miller
How does a person become spiritually
refined?
"The purpose of mitzvos is to refine
people, to purify them. You become pure by saying No
to yourself."
~~~~~~~~
Subscribe to the "Simcha Minute by Rabbi Miller"
from SimchasHachaim.com by
clicking here.
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The
Mask in the Mirror
Excerpt 6
Here's an excerpt
from an e-Book written by Elya K. called "The Mask
in the Mirror". Elya is a U.S. Hotline Moderator,
Sponsor and Group Leader for GYE for already 3
years. To purchase the e-Book from Elya for $3
click here.
FIGHTING VERSUS
LETTING GO
Part 2
The key to letting go is to admit you are powerless
over this addiction and that your life has become
unmanageable (Step 1 of
the 12 Steps). Here is how to begin.
Go ahead now and write down:
- 10 ways you are powerless over this
addiction and
- 10 ways it has made your life unmanageable
Then go over it with a sponsor or someone you trust
who can relate.
Trace back what is happening in other parts of your
life that is making you fearful, angry, lonely,
tired, anxious, etc. That's where the work needs to
begin. .
Answer this question,
what is the
payoff for you to keep acting out?
Surrendering to G-d is giving up and giving it over
to G-d. You're still trying to control it, waiting
for some miracle. Accept it, instead of fight it.
You've got a disease, you're powerless to stop.
You look away because you're powerless and you know
that if you look too long, lust will fill your heart
and you won't be able to stop. G-d said looking
repeatedly is forbidden exactly for that reason,
because you might come to act out. So once you show
G-d you're serious, HE will help you by taking away
the lust and the cravings and making it easier to
deal with.
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Daily Dose of Dov
Dov is sober in SA for 14 years. See his story
here.
For me, the "first drink" is pikuach nefesh.
My wife and I were sitting and schmoozing last
night. It was very nice, and we agreed that we need
to do it more often. One of the topics we talked
over was why I believe that my addiction is deadly
to me. "Like, really...what do you really mean? How
can you possibly be serious?" she asked.
So I spent about ten
minutes telling over how one thing leads to another,
and how looking at dirty pictures and reading dirty
stories would have to
graduate to calling women on the phone and that
would have to
graduate to meeting them in 'honorable'
establishments, and that would certainly progress
to unsafe...ummmm...'intimacy' in less honorable
establishments, and how that would certainly ruin me
as a person, introduce both of us to diseases, and
ruin the family. She agreed.
I talked of how, when
I coast and am not in
active persistent recovery, my problem only gets
worse, never better. And of how in active addiction
I violated every single 'red line' I was sure I'd
never cross - it was always just a matter of time
for everything to eventually go. I took risks and
jeopardized my health, job, standing in the
community, my marriage, children, you name it. And
most guys looking at porn on the internet are doing
the same, and many have lost jobs already. The pain
and shame of that is rarely enough to stop the habit
for very long.
And I talked about
how it used to be so, so very hard for me to accept
that it
wasn't the last,
really bad, 'drink' I took that was the one that got
me into so much trouble - but that it was the first 'drink'
that was the destructive one. All I had to learn to
do was how to not take the first drink, and I knew
I'd be safe...but it took me so many years to really
accept that the first 'drink' was a real danger;
that it was sakonas nefoshos for me. I always used
to cheshbon away that seriousness - and got into
trouble, over and over.
And I explained why
all my hope of recovery and safety is based on my
full acceptance of that very nekudah. And how as
long as I didn't accept that and truly see things
that way, I was doomed to slip and fall.
So for me, the "first
drink" is real pikuach nefesh. Even to the extent
that I'd rather make a phone call on Shabbos to a
goyish SA member than act out, and I'd rather make a
phone call on Shabbos than intentionally fantasize,
or touch myself in a sexual way, or look up porn on
the internet. No contest. Whether Hashem does or
doesn't want me too do those things is completely
irrelevant, boruch Hashem.
I say "boruch
Hashem", because that
distinction
(i.e. the recognition that it's pikuach nefesh for
me) is the only reason I can come up with that He
helps me stay sober, at all. I have admitted that I
cannot afford to
do those things - whether they are asur or not - and
ask Him to save me from them. Mixing in whether it
is assur or not is the only sure-fire way I have
known to cause a 'fall'! Once my little frum brain
starts to try to get me to stop specifically because
it's assur or because I think it's just plain wrong,
I am toast. For I will eventually figure out how it
is somehow not
'that' wrong! (Just ask that poster from long ago
who asked exactly what is actually ossur about
looking at goyishe women in pictures....gevalt.
That's what na'aseh
lo k'heter means.)
For me, I need to see
the end-game: where following my lust will lead me
(based on my track record), and then I need to have
faith - true emunah - that my slip has a very good
chance of leading me down that very path to the
bitter end. Like running down a dark hallway or
closing my eyes for ten seconds while driving. It might not
get me killed, but it probably will
- so I do not do it, period. Hey, the stakes are
quite high.
And anyone who tries to start foolishly nitpicking
whether a deoraisa is docheh an
abizrayhu d'arayos or whether me looking at
dirty pictures is a true abizraya, and if
one aveira is 'worth' doing to stop another
aveiro is not on the same boat I am stuck
on.
Until I stopped
trying to be sober to be good and to serve Hashem, I
kept 'drinking'. That's why I do not accept any
credit for being good no matter how many decades of
sobriety He gives me - the credit goes to Hashem,
not to me, for I am working a program for selfish,
self-serving reasons: I simply do not want to
destroy my life. Maybe Hashem gave me
that ratzon and in some way that is 'avodas
Hashem"...but that'd be back to the useless
cheshboning game again.
Boruch Hashem shelo
osani philosoph!
One sweet posuk in
Mishlei (16:3) "gol el Hashem Ma'asecha - v'yikonu
machshevosecha". In other words, even with Hashem's
help, we cannot think ourselves
into 'right-living'. Rather, we can only surrender
the fixing of our minds and out our main focus on living right
- then he will take care of our thinking and make that right, too.
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|
1048. |
Wednesday ~ 27
Sivan, 5771 ~ June 29, 2011
|
|
In Today's Issue
-
Links:
The Princess and the Peasant
-
Member's Chizuk:
Jack's Advice
-
The Mask in the
Mirror: Excerpt 7 - Fighting vs. Letting Go,
Part 3
- Daily Dose of Dov:
G-d is Free
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Category: Links
The article linked above is an inspiring Moshol by
By Rabbi Ben Tzion Shafier
from the new Shmuz on
Life book: Stop Surviving and Start Living, based on
the first chapter of Mesillas Yesharim. This sefer
as well as The Shmuz on the Parsha Book have
haskamot from leading Gedolei Yisroel. Both can be
obtained by contacting 866-613-TORAH or at
www.theshmuz.com.
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Category: Member's Chizuk
Jack's Advice
Jack is sober
for 3 years through GYE
It says sur mayra vaasey tov, first turn away
from bad, and THEN, and only then, do good. What
does this mean for us? It means that you can't start
enjoying the benefits of what a clean life means if
you're still acting out. So in the 12 step groups,
they want you to be sober BEFORE you start working
the program. Rabbi Twerski gave me advice to turn to
the Torah instead of lust (here
and
here). But I couldn't begin to see how Torah
would replace the lust until I was clean for a time.
Now, after almost 3 years clean (with only a small
number of slips), I am only BEGINNING to realize how
spirituality can replace the tremendous physical
pleasure in lust.
The Torah can't work its magic until we are sober.
And the way to get sober from the disease of
addiction is NOT through the Torah, it is through
group support and hard, hard work. Only after we
begin this work, can we begin to appreciate the
Torah's greatness.
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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The
Mask in the Mirror
Excerpt 7
Here's an excerpt
from an e-Book written by Elya K. called "The Mask
in the Mirror". Elya is a U.S. Hotline Moderator,
Sponsor and Group Leader for GYE for already 3
years. To purchase the e-Book from Elya for $3
click here.
FIGHTING VERSUS
LETTING GO
Part 3
I suggest getting the book by Patrick Carnes called
"Out of the Shadows" or/and Rabbi Twersky's book,
Self Improvement? I'm Jewish. It explains the
twelve steps and how to work them.
Are you going to meetings? Are you calling people
when you're getting close to acting out? Do you have
friends you hang out with, or are you isolating?
You're successful in business? Think about how much
more successful could you be if you stopped! Does
your low self esteem hinder your ability to become
more successful?
If you went a week without it and you're getting
work done, you're seeing results. Hashem is helping
you by reminding you to call someone and by your
going to the office alone and not acting on your
fantasies. That's what accepting powerlessness is.
You're powerless, so you need help to overcome it.
The idea is to call someone. G-d helps you make the
right decision.
Hashem is not ignoring you. You have to become a
'vessel' worthy of HIS helping you by making the
decision and action not to act out. Once you do
that and you realize you are not in charge (G-d is)
then HE will help you. It's just like Hishtadlus.
Got it?
You're doing all the right things. It's a slow
process. If you've filled your mind with porn for 5
or 10 years it's not going away in one week. Sorry
to disappoint you, but those arethe consequences of
our actions.
Begin to THANK Hashem instead of asking HIM to give
you things. Thank him for what you do have in your
life when you're davening, and I believe you'll
begin to feel a difference.
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Daily Dose of Dov
Dov is sober in SA for 14 years. See his story
here.
G-d is Free
To someone who was trying to decide whether to join
a 12-Step group or not, Dov writes:
Meetings are free. Sponsors are free. G-d is free.
Acting out is very expensive. Hatzlocha weighing
what to do. In any case, whatever progress you have
made should not be ignored. You are probably more
open than ever now. Use that and build on it. If you
want to work the 12 steps, then do not try to work
them alone - get help and work them with a helper
who uses them in his life. Ask
Hashem to lead you on the right path every time you
daven and bentch and talk to Hashem often. Look for
ways to be more normal, more useful,
and more part of the society in which you
live, be it shul, family, yeshiva, kosher friends,
whatever.
Hatzlocha, and
remember that you have many friends, and a G-d is in
the world and He will never abandon you.
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1049. |
Thursday ~ 28 Sivan,
5771 ~ June 30, 2011
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In Today's Issue
-
Announcement:
Rabbi Shais Taub on Duvid Chaim's Call
-
Audio Link:
Strengthening Tznius & Shmiras haYesod
-
The Mask in the
Mirror: Excerpt 8 - Shmiras Ainayim
Tips
- Daily Dose of Dov:
We can't have true
relationships till we're sober
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Announcement
Rabbi Shais Taub on Duvid Chaim's Call
Wednesday Next Week, July 6, 12 PM Noon EST
Call in number: 760-569-6000
Participant Pin: 121318
As almost all of the chevra on Duvid Chaim's calls
are Torah Yidden, we have over the years often
struggled with understanding where and how the 12
Steps are rooted in Torah Hashkafah and can be found
specifically in Chazal. Rabbi Shais Taub has
masterfully woven such ideas in his book, "G-d of
Our Understanding", which can be purchased at
this link.
It is an honor and privilege to have Rabbi Shais
Taub as a guest speaker on Duvid Chaim's call this
Wednesday, where he will give us chizuk and share
his perspective with us.
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Category: Audio Links
Strengthening Tznius & Shmiras
HaYesod
I received and e-mail today along with a 25
minute shiur. The e-mail read as follows:
"A 17 year old boy *Shalom Daniel ben Leah* was
just diagnosed with a
brain tumor. It's so bad they can't even treat it.
They say he has a few
weeks to live.
His mother gave this
25 minute shiur to the women of her neighborhood, so
I'm passing it on,
and hopefully this will help him have a Refuah
Shleima among
the rest of the sick people in am Yisrael. Please
pass it on."
Click here to listen to the Shiur
I listened to the shiur and it brought tears to my
eyes. Although it is addressed to women, it brings
home the importance of shmiras ainayim and shmiras
habris for MEN AS WELL. When we don't guard
ourselves, we allow death and suffering in the
world.
Have your wives and daughters listen to this
shiur too!
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The
Mask in the Mirror
Excerpt 8
Here's an excerpt
from an e-Book written by Elya K. called "The Mask
in the Mirror". Elya is a U.S. Hotline Moderator,
Sponsor and Group Leader for GYE for already 3
years. To purchase the e-Book from Elya for $3
click here.
Shmiras Ainayim
Tips
Here are more tips for guarding the eyes on the
street:
1) Tell yourself that no matter how painful
it feels NOT to look, it will be MORE PAINFUL to
look. Why? Because when you look, there are
two acute pains you will feel.
a) You feel suddenly far from
Hashem and from your goals.
b) You know you can't have it
anyway, and when you look - you desire it, and
you can't have it, and it HURTS.
So essentially, the pain you feel when not looking
is MUCH BETTER than thepain of looking.
2) The pain you feel when not looking is
HEALING pain, like the pain from an important
surgery. The pain is healing you. On the other hand,
the spiritual pain of looking is the pain of the
disease getting worse. Which pain do you choose?
3) The pain you feel when not looking is not
really your pain at all. It is the pain of the
Yetzer Hara in his "death throws". He is screaming
that you are hitting him hard. So enjoy the pain!
You are feeling the pain of your enemy as he dies!
4) The whole desire is a blown up bubble of
hot-air, built around what we see and imagine in our
mind. Experience has shown us all, that as soon as
we get what we thought we wanted -- what we thought
was going to be absolutely incredible (according to
what we saw), as soon as it's done, the bubble pops
and all that's left is "hot air". And we are left
shaking our heads in disbelief. This was the whole
thing for which we sold our very soul?
So in essence, the fact that we struggle so much
with shmiras ainayim and all these powerful
fantasies, and the fact that we need to use such
strength and give our hearts over to Hashem - this
all is really Hashem's greatest gift to us.
This sounds a little strange, so let me explain what
I'm trying to say:
If we would just be like other people and just give
in and get all we wanted in these areas, we would
have NOTHING at the end. Do they have joy from this?
The minute it's over, they are left disillusioned
and seeking other pleasures to fill the void they
feel. So think about it. Hashem has chosen us and
uplifted us from the filth of the world with such
kindness. He has given us the opportunity to give
him our very hearts! We have the opportunity to make
all these "valiant" struggles every time we turn
away from looking at something the Yetzer Hara wants
us to look at. But what is the alternative, if we
would give in? Nothing! Emptiness and
disillusionment! The Yetzer Hara promises so much
but delivers nothing! This whole blown up desire we
have, and all these difficult struggles not to look
is all a "game" that Hashem is playing with us. He
makes us feel we are "ripping out our hearts" for
him - and he indeed gives us the reward AS IF WE DID
RIP OUT OUR HEARTS and he allows us to come closer
to him than any other person could dream of coming,
and yet, it's all a game. For if one would be able
to see in advance the way he would feel after he
would give in, he wouldn't even have a
struggle!!
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Daily Dose of Dov
Dov is sober in SA for 14 years. See his story
here.
We can't have true relationships till we're sober
One cannot come to know anyone else
without having da'as himself, first. In
other words, for a man to share yediyah with his
wife there have to be deyos - tarti
mashma. I cannot know her at all - much less connect with
her in da'as - unless I bring my own self-acceptance
to the equation.
To me, da'as is not
knowledge, but awareness -
like how a frum person is aware that it is Shabbos,
on Shabbos. It is a 'natural', or 'automatic' -
knowledge that is part of the person. I think it is
awareness that
demonstrates the person's full acceptance of the way
things are. Where there is da'as there is no doubt,
there is no negotiation, no decision to be made.
Addiction ruins da'as
completely. Cuz I do not trust or know myself. I
could feel sincerely loving and devoted right now,
and later tonight be truly desperate to get a better
view of the figure of woman in the next isle of the
supermarket. Heck, I could be acting out, too.
Until integrity
becomes part of us, we do not really rest in any
self-knowledge. There can be no da'as. All bets are
truly off. And getting to that point takes time.
From my wife's side,
the devastating pain and mistrust she had for me
took a long time to be diluted enough for da'as to
return to the relationship - she knew that
she didn't really know me. That is a very sad part
of addiction, how it drives people apart - and
especially in sexual addiction, where the entire
drive of the addict is for Yesod: connection and
unity. Ouch.
The good news is that
recovery, however we end up going about it, actually
returns our da'as to us and enables relationships.
For me, I got relationships in the meeting rooms long before
I got my relationship with my wife back.
No wonder my wife
tells me every few years that the happiest day in
our life together was not our wedding, but the day I
got sober and started recovery. And I didn't even
recover in order to get the relationship back! I
only did it in order not to lose myself.
All the goodies are freebies.
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1050. |
Friday ~ 29 Sivan,
5771 ~ July 1, 2011
Erev Shabbos Parshas Chukas, Erev Rosh Chodesh Tamuz
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In Today's Issue
-
Parshas Chukas:
Klal Yisrael Loses Three Leaders: What Should We Do?
-
Parshas Chukas:
It Takes One to Know One
-
The Mask in the
Mirror: Excerpt 9 - Shmiras Ainayim
Tips, Part 2
- Daily Dose of Dov:
Live Differently
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Category: Torah > Parshas Chukas
Klal Yisroel Loses Three Leaders:
What Should We Do?
Excerpts taken
from
Matzav.com
Following the loss within two weeks of three gedolei
Torah, Rav Yitzchok Dov Koppelman, Rav Michel
Yehudah Lefkowitz and Rav Chaim Stein, zichronam
livracha, many Yidden have
wondered what the proper
reaction of a Torah Yid should be.
Rashi in Parshas Chukas brings a Chazal to explain
the juxtaposition in Parshas Chukas of the petirah
of Miriam to the parsha of Parah Adumah that
explains the reason for this being that it is coming
to underscore just as Parah Adumah is a "מכפר",
so too
מיתת צדיקים
is
מכפר.
The question is why does the Torah teach us this
lesson juxtaposing the parsha of Parah Adumah to the
petirah of Miriam and not the Parsha of Karbanos
(which serve solely as a
כפרה)?
Reb Itzele Poneviezer explained that just as the
Parah Adamah only brings "כפרה"
and "טהרה"
for the person who is "טמא"
only after he does a "מעשה"
with the ashes - with the "אפר"
of the Parah Adumah, (in distinction to the
כפרה
by karbanos where no "מעשה"
is "מעכב"
in bringing about a "כפרה"
, so too, "מיתת
צדיקים"
is only "מכפר"
when it is accompanied by a "מעשה"
, namely our emulating the ways of the holy tzadikim
taken away from us.
(Until here is
from Matzav.com)
Therefore certainly the least we can do at this time
is to accept upon ourselves at least one new
Kabbala.
We all know our weaknesses and what things cause us
to slip. Let us all try and make a new "גדר"
in the area of shmiras ainayim. It can be a little
less time surfing the net, a higher protection
setting on the filter, a new shvuah for a month to
give a certain amount to tzedaka if we stumble, or
whatever else we feel we could benefit from. See the
excerpt from "The Mask in the Mirror" below for yet
another idea.
And in this way, the
מיתת הצדיקים
of this past month will truly be
מכפר
and
מטהר
us all. Amen.
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It Takes One to Know One
By "Yosef Hatzadik" on the Forum
The Kohen who burned the Parah Adumah was
first made tamei prior to his
preparing it. He was not allowed to do the full
system of being metaher himself. He
was only given an opportunity fortevila in
the mikva (He'erav Shemesh- waiting for
sunset, was not allowed.)
The Kohanim & Leviim
were the leaders of Klal Yisroel. They were the
teachers. Yoru
mishpatecha l'Yaakov v'sorascha l'Yisroel. When
a Yid wanted to purify himself he needed to go to a
Kohen. The Kohen would use the Waters with the Parah
Aduma's
ashes etc., AND also influence the Yid to rise to
greater heights!
In order for the
Kohen to properly 'connect' & be able to have an
hashpa'ah on his petitioners. He must be able to
lower himself down & 'see' the world from the
latter's perspective. He must experience a bit of Tumah himself.....
only then can he help other rise out of their Tumah!
And that, my friends, is why
GuardYourEyes succeeds even where others
have failed!
Rebbeim & good
friends can give good advice & encouragement, but
they have not been down in the trenches themselves.
The devoted pals from this
Holy GYE Kehilla
understand each other & the struggles we are going
through better than anyone. Therefore, we feel a
kinship amongst ourselves greater than any
friendship in the world!!
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The
Mask in the Mirror
Excerpt 9
Here's an excerpt
from an e-Book written by Elya K. called "The Mask
in the Mirror". Elya is a U.S. Hotline Moderator,
Sponsor and Group Leader for GYE for already 3
years. To purchase the e-Book from Elya for $3
click here.
Shmiras Ainayim
Tips
Part 2
Someone once posted on the GYE forum:
When I was struggling with shmiras HaEinayim, I
felt that the Yetzer Horah (evil inclination) was
literally pulling and pushing my head in any
direction that he wished. It was as if I had no free
choice. The reason I felt like this is
because...this IS what was happening. He was in
control. Where ever I would walk, I tried and
failed. Then, I decided to make very, very small
goals. I would accept upon myself, that the walk
from shul to my home, (about 100 meters) I
absolutely no matter what, would not look anywhere
except at the ground. It was difficult, but this was
a goal that I could handle. After a few times of
doing this, I was able to increase the goal. During
the same period when I was driving, which is much
more difficult as we are looking almost everywhere
in order to drive safely, I could see with my
peripheral vision, that there were "interesting"
things walking on the sidewalk. I literally had to
scream and shout with pain in order to break the
pull of the Y"H. This too worked, and immediately
afterwards things became much easier.
That is perhaps what Chazal meant when they said
that one day the Tzadikim will weep with joy that
they were able to overcome the mountain of the
Yetzer Hara, and Resha'im will weep that they
couldn't overcome this little string of the Yetzer
Hara. One may ask, how could the Yetzer Hara really
be two things? Based on the above concept (that we
brought yesterday), it could be that the Tzadikim
are talking about the "mountain" that the Yetzer
Hara "FELT LIKE" - when they DIDN'T give in. But the
Resha'im are seeing the little "nothing" that the
Yetzer Hara really was AFTER THEY GAVE IN.
So it's really all a game of Hashem's chesed and
love for us. Hashem is really only asking of us to
overcome a "small string", but he makes it LOOK like
a mountain so that we can truly give him our hearts
and get the tremendous reward he wants to give us!
You can heal and get better but you'll have to work
harder at recovery than you're working to cover up
whatever you're doing.
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Daily Dose of Dov
Dov is sober in SA for 14 years. See his story
here.
Live Differently
If things are still the same, you have to ask
yourself, are you doing anything differently?
Are you living the
rest of your life differently in any way? I do not
mean 'working with the lust/tayva vs
sober/kodosh/whatever business....no! Not that at
all! That part is not at
all where I bet you need to look. It certainly is
not where I need/needed much work. I can't speak for
you, but in my case, as important as it may be, that part
of me is a freaking 18-wheeler!....with a single
flat tire!....I
cannot drive it.
Period.
All I can do is
humbly, patiently, and faithfully work my program
and actually use the
steps of my recovery and the stuff I learn from
other addicts in my daily life so that I begin to
live in a different way. Differently in the way I
react when I feel like being mad at someone; when I
want to lie to save face; when I am late somewhere;
when I win a game; when I am sick; when I want to
masturbate or look at schmutz; when I don't masturbate
or look at schmutz; when I see I am self-absorbed;
when I am afraid; when I look down on another
person...we start with something that the steps
apply to (usually the 4th - 7th) and work it so we
live a bit differently in this very moment. Today.
Not so that we change, are better, recover, (for we
are completely powerless over outcomes) - but just
to be different and do the sober thing right
now.
After a bunch of
'todays' done differently, I start to grow, by
Hashem's Chessed.
Knowing the steps
through-and-through is bubkess. Garbage. Useless.
The only thing that matters is using them.
And davka when it doesn't feel natural...and because it
doesn't feel natural.
If we are essentially
doing the same thing, then we can expect essentially
the same thing. Maybe that it why you feel things
are 'the same'.
Now, Reb Eye, if you
believe that you already are doing basically this
(and none of us does it very well) and still feel
little or no change...then I say to you with
conviction that you need to hang on and keep up the
good work. Get past this block and new light may
open for you. It's k'dai to wait for.
"If we want
things to be different, we have to live
differently."
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