Sunday ~ 6 Nissan, 5771 ~ April 10, 2011 

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Category: Links

 

Weekly Excerpts from Rabbi Avigdor Miller

 

We received this e-mail today:

 

Mazel tov on chizuk email 1000! May we all go mechayil el chayil!

 

I just wanted to say that I am really happy when you put in links to excerpts from the shiurim of R' Avigdor Miller ztz"l. I used to listen to his shiurim non-stop, 2 - 3 a day, and got so much chizuk from them, when times were really hard for me. So, I want to let everyone know that there is a link where people can subscribe to weekly excerpts and gain much chizuk.

 

CLICK HERE

 

May it be a zikui harabim.

 

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The 'Nachas Ruach' Treatment Model

 

In the coming e-mails we will be bringing excerpts from the new book "Nachas Ruach: Torah-Based Psychotherapy and Tools for Growth and Healing" from the Jerusalem based therapist Rabbi Naftali Fish. Rabbi Dr. Abraham Twerski wrote about the book that it is, quote, "...an important contribution in furthering the understanding of psychology and psychotherapy for Torah-observant people..."

 

Preface: 

A Way Out of Addiction for Orthodox Jews?

 

From Internet addiction to marital and family problems, from "teens at risk" to the psychological challenges facing those who are frum from birth and baalei teshuvah, today's changing world can be a confusing one. The religious Jewish community is also not immune to many sensitive contemporary issues, which can no longer be ignored. Yet sadly, some people who need psychological advice refrain from seeking it, believing that contemporary psychology and psychiatry are antagonistic to Yiddishkeit.

 

This important work by well-known therapist Dr. Naftali Fish offers a solid conceptual framework for understanding the relationship between Torah and psychology - including the Twelve Step program - showing clearly where they are compatible and where they are not. Dr. Fish is uniquely qualified to bridge this gap, as an Orthodox Jew grounded in Torah Judaism and the wisdom of our sages, and as a licensed clinical psychologist living in Jerusalem, with over twenty-five years' experience working with a variety of clinical issues, including the treatment of addictions and healing the inner wounded child. Here he presents the Nachas Ruach Treatment Model (NRTM), an innovative, effective approach that integrates Torah values and spirituality within the context of professional psychotherapy and hypnotherapy, as illustrated by intriguing case studies.

 

This book is a must-read for all professionals in the field of mental health, as well as for rabbis, educators, students studying psychology, and educated lay readers. Blending theory and practice, this book also provides practical tools and exercises for personal growth that anyone can gain from in their daily lives.

 

The book can be purchased online via this link.  

 

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Excerpt 1  

Nachas Ruach: Torah-Based Psychotherapy and Tools for Growth and Healing

 

Torah Perspectives on the Twelve Steps
 

In this section we will analyze the Twelve Step program of addictions and recovery from a Torah perspective. In recent years the Twelve Step program has become widely accepted both in Israel and in the Jewish world. Our goal is to clarify where there is compatibility between the program and the Torah, and where there are differences. This endeavor is a response to the great interest in this subject by those who are participating in the program and others.  

 

Six additional Torah concepts that enhance the "classical program" for those who are looking for more Jewish content per se will also be discussed and is seen to be an important.

 

The First Step

 

"We admitted we were powerless over our addiction, that our lives had become unmanageable."[1]

 

This step is equivalent to the Jewish concept of confession, or vidui, in which a person verbally admits that he has a problem. In Judaism this is the first step on the road to repentance or teshuvah.[2] The Torah acknowledges that it is not easy for a person to admit he made a mistake. For addicts it often takes years before they are "ready" and able to break out of denial and finally admit that they have a serious problem. Usually, the existence of this problem was already known to everyone else, but not to the addict himself.  

 

In Judaism, confession was an integral part of the Yom Kippur rites that accompanied the sacrificial service during the time of the Temple: "Those who bring sin offerings or guilt offerings must also confess when they bring their sacrifices for their inadvertent or willful transgressions. Their sacrifices will not atone for their sins unless they repent and make a verbal confession."[3]

 

According to the Sephardic tradition, vidui is also recited throughout the year after the Amidah. It is written in the plural form: "We have become guilty, we have betrayed... (.(אשמנו בגדנו..."

 

Similarly, the Twelve Steps are formulated from a group perspective: "We admitted that we were powerless over our addictions." Psychologically, it might be easier for the individual to admit his shortcomings as part of a larger group, which may mean for him that he is not the only "bad" or "sick" person who has this problem or behavior to work on.

 

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Daily Dose of Dov

Dov is sober in SA for 14 years. See his story here.

 

If It's Impossible There Might Be Hope 

 

Dear friend, 

Do you think you are an addict? In other words, are you beaten? I am. I'm an addict who is sober today for a bunch of years and there are many others like me (even many frum ones) who will gladly meet with you on the phone, or preferably in person, to freely and openly share their recovery with you. It all depends on what you are willing to do for your recovery - and if you really feel you 'have had enough' already. I have had enough, b"H, and it sounds like you may have, too. All my love for my wife and innocent children will not stop me from horrifically screwing my life up. You seem to see the same thing, and are shocked. I'm not. I am an addict. 

Only I can give up the useless breath-holding-in-the-face-of-temptation and finally reach for the company of other addicts so that I can get the help I need from Hashem.  

Nu. It's very, very hard. It's actually impossible. If you see it that way, then I say there is - possibly for the very first time - hope that you might finally start to get better, by Hashem's Chessed, as many others have, and are, today. Who really needs G-d at all, if they have power?  

Give up on the breath-holding struggle, but not on yourself! You have a life; your wife has a husband; and your children have a father. There is help for you to still save those things.

Monday ~ 7 Nissan, 5771 ~ April 11, 2011 

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Announcement from Elya

 

On this Monday night's call we will have a special shiur (group) meeting speaking about Pesach and Freedom and how to apply these concepts to our unique lives today. If you have any Divrei Torah or thoughts, please write them down and participate.  How can we break free from the enslavement of this addiction.  What does the Haggadah suggest that might help us?  Which of the four sons is the addicted one? (I don't know the answer to this one, but it's something to think about). 
 

Monday night 9 p.m. EST (8 Central, 6 Pacific)

Tel: 712-429-0690

PIN# 225356

 

Click here for more info on the call.

 

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Category: Torah > Pesach

 

Pharaoh's Hardened Heart

 

By "Jester"

 

This coming seder night, we will read of the Makkos (plagues).  We will all ask, "how was Pharaoh so stupid as to not read the danger signs?".  We will be answered that "Hashem hardened his heart".  It took a mortal danger to Pharaoh himself before he ran to the B'nei Yisroel, begging them to leave, something he would never have considered doing in the past.

I can attest to this sequence of events, as I imagine many here can do.  We might start off with some guilt, but over time, our hearts are hardened (calloused, if you will).  We might see some danger signs, but "we can manage them".  Finally, we get a good kick up the backside.  Many of us will thank Hashem for this, some might not.  But at that stage, we will do the unspeakable, and ask for help, or have help thrust upon us.

And how many of the B'nei Yisroel did not want to leave?  And how many only continued because of the support of good leadership and downright peer-pressure?  Chazal have repeatedly pointed out reference to our own  "personal" Mitzrayim and slavery to the physical (especially lust) from which we should escape.

When you are all at your Seder, reading about the plagues and ultimate mortal peril in which Paroh found himself - spare a thought for your fellow Yidden who have a hardened heart, and pray that we all have the strength to move forward before we are forcibly moved on.

 

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The 'Nachas Ruach' Treatment Model

 

Excerpt 2   

Nachas Ruach: Torah-Based Psychotherapy and Tools for Growth and Healing

The book can be purchased online via this link

 

Torah Perspectives on the Twelve Steps

 

Continuation of "Step 1" 

 

An important principle in Jewish thought related to change enjoins the individual to take immediate action to cease his negative behavior and begin to act in a positive direction: סור מרע ועשה טוב, "Depart from evil, and do good" (Psalms 34:15). The Twelve Steps also start from this perspective. The addict initially needs to stop his active addiction ("depart from evil") and then begin to learn how to live in a better way ("do good"). In contrast, the classical Freudian view of addictions believed that the addict first needed to work through the unconscious conflict, which was thought to be the source of the addiction. In the best case scenario, this process would take considerable time before the active addiction would "fade away" because it was no longer "being fuelled" by the unconscious etiology or source. The problem involved in using this approach was that in the meantime the addict would still be "out of control," continuing to act in ways that were destructive to himself, his family, and his environment.  

 

Judaism also stresses that teshuvah means first stopping the behavior and then trying to understand and modify its deeper roots. The Rambam explains this further: "What constitutes teshuvah? That a sinner should abandon his sin [in action] and remove it from his thoughts.[1]

 

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Daily Dose of Dov

Dov is sober in SA for 14 years. See his story here.

 

Don't Put the Cart Before the Horse  

 

I pity the person who starts off his recovery by focusing on fixing the human wreckage his behavior caused. In my case that'd truly be putting the cart before the horse, and in the worst way. It would retard my entire - and I mean entire - recovery and leave me:

1- still running the show, instead of following directions (and judging by how well I did till now, that's not a good idea!); 

2- prone to "forgiving" myself as soon as I feel all better because they forgave me! Who really needs to get any better once they can convince everyone they hurt that they are now a reformed ba'al teshuvah humbly begging for their mercy? Eventually, I'd get 'forgiven' by them and by Hashem - and certainly remain the same exact pervert forever...

and 3- it'd leave me at the center of my universe, which is exactly how I got so messed up in the first place. It'd still be all about MY t'shuva, MY dveikus, MY tikkun, ME, ME, and more endless, bottomless ME. (This is apparently a subtle point to many people, for some reason...but it seems to be everything, from where I am standing.)

Tuesday ~ 8 Nissan, 5771 ~ April 12, 2011 

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Announcement

 

There will be a large assifa about the dangers of technology related issues and solutions in the Medowlands Arena shortly after Pesach be"H, with hopefully over 10,000 in attendance. The GYE hotline will be disseminated there as well. In preparation for the huge assifa, there will be a phone conference call tomorrow night (Wed. 9:30 PM) for Roshei Yeshivos, Mechanchim, Marbitzei Torah and Askanim. If anyone wants to help prepare for the Assifa in anyway, whether through helping get the word out, financially or in any other way, they should call 732-901-6176 for information on the phone conference.

 

Tizke Lemitzvos!

 

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Category: Torah> Pesach, Metzorah

 

The Eizov: Humbled, Not Defeated 

 

The 12-Steps stress that it is generally our egos that cause us to "act-out", whether stemming from a sense of "entitlement", or from the need to "control" things to go our way. When an addict is finally "beaten" and his life becomes unmanageable, he stands before two choices. He can either fall into complete despair, hopelessness and continue to perpetuate his misery, or he can break his "heart" and humble himself before Hashem, becoming completely dependant on Him, with the knowledge that Hashem loves Him and will care for him even though he is sick. This is the root of true recovery, and this Yesod ties in beautifully with the punishment of the Metzorah and the story of Pesach in the following piece from Rabbi Teichman:

 

Click here for the full article

(on page 2 of the PDF)

 

Quote from article:

 

"When we fully submit ourselves before Hashem's will, and sense our value in His eyes regardless of our stature and accomplishments, there is nothing more humbling and inspiring.  It wasn't a sense of defeat but rather a sense of total dependence and trust in Hashem that boosted them in Egypt...."

 

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The 'Nachas Ruach' Treatment Model

 

Excerpt 3

 

Nachas Ruach: Torah-Based Psychotherapy and Tools for Growth and Healing

The book can be purchased online via this link

 

Torah Perspectives on the Twelve Steps

 

"The Second Step" 

 

"We came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity." [1]

 

This can be seen as an intellectual acknowledgment of what Judaism calls "accepting the yoke of Divine sovereignty" (Kabbalas ol Malchus Shamayim), which the Rabbis understood to be the implication of the first of the Ten Commandments: "I, Hashem, shall be your God, Who brought you out of Egypt, from the house of slaves."[2]

 

I noted earlier that in contemporary society, the Twelve Step philosophy represents a paradigm shift. I once heard from Rav Chaim Lipschitz that in the "post-modern world" most of the major ideologies of the twentieth century have been discredited. The only "ism" that remains is narcissism - the ideology of "I... Self... Me." Therefore, it really is significant that the Twelve Step program is based on acknowledging "a power greater than ourselves." In practical terms, this means that the recovering addict learns that one's willpower is "necessary but not sufficient" to overcome an addiction and that there is a higher purpose or motivation in life besides seeking immediate gratification, which for many people growing up in contemporary society is really a new idea.  

 

The Torah begins with the powerful statement acknowledging the Higher Power: בראשית ברא אלוקים את השמים ואת הארץ, "In the beginning God created the heavens and the earth" (Genesis 1:1). In relation to this issue, the Rambam begins the Mishneh Torah with the dramatic teaching: "The foundation of all foundations and the pillar of wisdom is to know that there is a Primary Being Who brought into being all existence."[3]

 

Looking at addictions, the Torah understands that beyond physical servitude, there are also emotional and spiritual kinds of slavery, which lead us into narrow, constricted places of the soul: מן המצר קראתי יה, ענני במרחב יה, "From the straits did I call upon God; God answered me with expansiveness" (Psalm 118:5). The root of the word "straits" ((מצר is the same as the root of the word "Egypt" (מצרים). Addictions certainly fall into this category.

 

In relation to the belief that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity, it is clear that the Jewish people were not able to leave slavery without direct Divine assistance, as stressed in the Pesach Haggadah. Nonetheless, before receiving Divine assistance, they had to make some initial effort that demonstrated their willingness and worthiness to be redeemed. The Pesach sacrifice (the korban Pesach) was offered only after the Jewish slaves openly kept the sheep in their houses for four days before the actual sacrifice. This required great courage, since the Jews knew that the Egyptians, their masters, worshiped this animal and had the power to punish them for opposing what they believed in.

 

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Daily Dose of Dov

Dov is sober in SA for 14 years. See his story here.

 

Letting the Familiar Curiosity Go   

 

People in recovery often emphasize "living in the solution, not in the problem". It's hard to understand, at first. "whadaya mean, I'm living in the problem?" When we delve and delve and delve... it wraps us up in the problem and soon we will act out. Cuz we are sick and cannot stay sane very long while staring squarely at unhealthy living; even if it is for the sake of 'getting better'. 

(Even the 1st and 4th step inventories are not safe places to loiter. We cannot live without them so we do them with a sponsor and then he helps us move on and use what we have learned rather than wallow in it.) 

 

I need alternative things to do when that familiar curiosity strikes. Thoughts like,

• "Been clean four months. I can't believe it. But am I really a better person? What if I am tested a bit?";
• "I've been clean for fifteen months now. Gevalt! I wonder if my anatomy still works!";
• "Well, is that little video store still in business, or did Hashem finally strike it with that lightning I wished for?"; and like, 
• "What was/is it that I liked so much about lust and porn after all? Why was I so caught up in it? I need to know!".

 

Yeah.  

 

I might think those thoughts every now and then, and that's fine. Thinking them is not my fault - but holding onto them and acting on them is. I believe b'emunah sheleimah that I need to let them go. Others may have the luxury of thinking it over, conducting further 'research', and figuring it all out, and G-d bless them. I do not. And figuring out why they can and I can't is veiter none of my concern. 

Wednesday ~ 9 Nissan, 5771 ~ April 13, 2011 

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Category: Testimonials  

 

Two Years Clean!

 

By "Noorah Be'Amram"   

 

With the greatest of humility, I thank the Almighty for 2 years clean on April 8th.

The following is partial list of what I attribute the success that I had hitherto - may the Almighty continue protect me amongst all His struggling children!

1 - Non-stop Prayer that Hashem safeguard my eyes and my heart from any sin!

2 - Belonging to this holy website - no kidding - nitfal losei mitzvah

3 - Limiting general computer use to work only, and even then, I'm fanatical regarding a filter - with my wife holding the password.  

4 - I try to be mezake the rabbim in my own sphere of influence by promoting, talking and encouraging others about inyanei Kedusha and the dangers of the internet. Educating people about the importance of having no nonsense filters and accountability software.  

5 - Learning constantly the Laws of Shmiras Halashon since there is a direct connection between the bris haLashon and the bris Hame'or as mentioned many times on this site and in the chizuk emails.

6 - Removing the glasses when necessary and trying to be cognizant of the concept of "Ikka Darka Achrina".

 

7 - Being extra vigilant with hilchos Yichud in the office, with cleaning help, etc

I lift up my hands in prayer to Hashem that He  continue to carry me in His Right Hand and protect each and every one of His children on this holy site from all harm.

With tears in my eyes, I thank this holy website for were it not for GYE and the holy chevra on the forum I wouldn't be who I am, where I am and what I am today...if I would "be" at all.   

Wishing all my brother warriors a true z'man cheirus - freedom and serenity!

Fiery Love to all,
Noorah,

The smallest from house of Amram

 

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The 'Nachas Ruach' Treatment Model

 

Excerpt 4

    

Nachas Ruach: Torah-Based Psychotherapy and Tools for Growth and Healing

The book can be purchased online via this link

 

Torah Perspectives on the Twelve Steps

 

Continuation of "The Second Step" 

 

In the Nachas Ruach perspective, addiction is viewed as a disease and is understood to be a specific manifestation of the evil inclination (yetzer hara), which constitutes a powerful ongoing influence on human motivation and behavior. Not only was it true for the Jews in Egypt, but the Rabbis also stress that ultimately no person could overcome the evil inclination without Divine assistance.

 

In the Talmud (Maseches Sukkah 52b) we learn in the name of Rabbi Shimon ben Lakish: "A man's evil inclination threatens every day to overpower him and seeks to kill him...and if not for the Holy One, Blessed is He, Who aids him, he would be unable to withstand it."

 

In relation to the second step, which attempts to "restore us to sanity" from the disease of addiction, the Torah also recognizes that Hashem is the source of all healing: כל המחלה אשר שמתי במצרים לא אשים עליך כי אני ה' רופאך, "All of the diseases that I have placed in Egypt, I will not place upon you, for I am Hashem, your Healer" (Exodus 15:26).

 

It is an unquestioned axiom of the Twelve Steps that the "inability to control our usage of drugs is a symptom of the disease of addiction. We are powerless not only over our drugs but over our addiction as well."[1]

 

The clear treatment goal that flows from this reality is that total long-term abstinence is the only option, and this must be accomplished slowly, "one day at a time." The program is aware of the psychological reality that it is particularly difficult to stay clean for the rest of one's life, especially for addicts who have been under the influence of their active disease, which seeks immediate gratification. A natural response would be to think: this goal is impossible, so why try? By teaching the concept of coping through saying to oneself "Just for today" and other tools, the addict is given a way of effectively coping that enhances his ability to stay clean and maintain long-term recovery.

 

Every day in our prayers we say: ברוך ה' יום יום יעמס לנו האל ישועתנו סלע, "Blessed is God every single day, He burdens us, and is the God of our salvation" (Psalms 68:20). A Jew learns from this verse that Hashem gives him the ability to overcome his struggles and serve Hashem on a daily basis.

 

Practically, in the process of recovery, a person has to first admit that he has a problem, which is the goal of the first step. The goal of the second step is realizing that one cannot deal with his addiction alone and needs to be open to receiving help and actively seek it out. While seeking help, ultimately involves turning to God, it initially begins with trying to get help from others in recovery. The Torah also understands the need for one to ask for help, when the Rabbis teach that "a prisoner cannot free himself from prison."[2]

 

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Daily Dose of Dov

Dov is sober in SA for 14 years. See his story here.

 

We Need to Make it Real  

 

Dov discusses the 12-Steps with someone in his group

   

The thing all the 12-step-recovering addicts in the world are making such a big deal about, is different than all the steps we thought we had taken in the past that "look like" the 12-Step program. It is different because it is different! All those times we have done the steps and ended up exactly where we were before, we did it by ourselves. It was out own brains that were working it all out. A blind man leading himself. Now that's really nuts, no? We hid the full truth about ourselves - in order to get better...? Not going to work. And when we did tell it to others, it wasn't to other people who were real to us. It was usually to someone we really had nothing to do with in the rest of our real lives. Who didn't know the face we were projecting - so they wouldn't really be able to really see what big fakers we were. Hey, it's embarrassing! And if we did open up to someone who knew the 'normal' version of us, then it was usually a person who had no clue about addiction, lust struggles, insanity, whatever. 

My version of recovery - what I needed - was (and is) to get together with other men who think, tell, live, and know the exact same lies I do, want the exact same things that I want, who see me with my stupid, trance-like, salivating expression that I get while I stare at the computer searching in true desperation for that perfect, sweet, image that I need - cuz they know it themselves. I get together with men like that, who are crawling out from under their own wreckage with no pride at all, and let them hug me. Goyim, Jews, whatever. I get to know these men and get together with them weekly and share myself, make relationships with them, and we get to know each other. We get better together, while we watch many of our numbers fall to the wayside. Nu. Better them than us....

So where I come from, the 1st step is done in our hearts, of course, but in order to have a better chance to actually believe it, we write out as much as we can remember of what we have done that got us into some trouble as a result of lust compulsion and desire throughout our lives. Then we review it with a sponsor and then we share the entire thing with a group of other addicts - the guys who really understand us. They may still be sick, but they are in recovery and understand us, and that's priceless. On the other hand, advice to a struggling lust addict that is not based on personal pain and success, but based on a mussar sefer or a shmooze is often dramatic and beautiful but totally useless, it seems to me.  We need to do the work ourselves if it is to be real enough to actually work. I have never yet met a single person who actually got sober from 'inspiration'. 

Second step - real writing and real work - not just thinking in generalities. Same for each of the other steps. We get mushy and generalize the ideas, watering them down into the same useless mush we have always watered Torah ideas down to - and that's why they do not lead to change. That's gotta stop. Writing it for ourselves - not to impress anyone else - and sharing with others, is the only way I know to make it real.

Thursday ~ 10 Nissan, 5771 ~ April 14, 2011 

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Category: Torah > Parsha > Acharei Mos

 

The Ohr Hachayim on Acharei Mos 

 

This week's parsha discusses the inyanim of "arayos". The Ohr HaChayim on the parsha writes the secret to recovery for those who have stumbled in these areas.

 

Click here to see the Ohr Hachayim in Hebrew.

 

Click here to download a PDF of translation and explanation.  

 

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Category: Links > Pesach

 

Divine Intervention

 

 

 

Article By Benyamin Bresinger  

 

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Category: Testimonials  

 

Two Years On GYE!

 

By "Bardichev"   

 

DEAR YIDDEN,

TONIGHT I AM CELEBRATING MY TWO YEAR MARK OF BEING A MEMBER OF THIS HOLY CHABURAH

I NEED TO THANK HASHEM

KI HITZALTAH NAFSHI MISHEOL TACHTIYAH.

THANK YOU HASHEM.

MAY THE WEBSITE AND FORUM CONTINUE TO GROW AND MAY WE REACH THE DAY THAT ALL OF KLAL YISROEL BE SHOWERED BY THE TAHARA OF HASHEM.

MY SUCCESS ON THIS FORUM B"H WAS - AND IS - THE FRIENDSHIP. THE UNITY. THE ECLECTIC BAND OF BROTHERS.

I HAVE MET HERE SFARDIM, GALITZYANNERS, LITVAKS, YEKKES, CHASSIDIM. I HAVE MET YIDDIN FROM EVERY CONTINENT BESIDES ANTARCTICA.

I FEEL I NEED TO PERSONALLY THANK MANY OF YOU,
 

BUT FIRST I NEED TO THANK GYE.  

 

THIS WEBSITE POINT BLANK SAVED MY LIFE AND MY SANITY.

I HAVE NOTHING MORE TO SAY. THANK YOU. 

I would take this opportunity to wish you all:

Be be'simcha!

Simcha is the secret!

Keep on trucking. No matter what.

If you slipped or fell, say "FELL, SHMELL" and move on!

And remember: You are not Hashem's tznius police. If you see someone triggering remember: She may be a problem, but she is not YOUR problem.

And if I can add one more piece of advice:

Make your spouse your Accountability Partner with reporting software like www.webchaver.org.

Humble and happy
Bardichev   

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The 'Nachas Ruach' Treatment Model

 

Excerpt 5      

Nachas Ruach: Torah-Based Psychotherapy and Tools for Growth and Healing

The book can be purchased online via this link

 

Torah Perspectives on the Twelve Steps

 

"The Third Step" (Part 1/3)

 

"We made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understand Him."[1]

 

While the second step talks about coming to believe, the third step requires the addict to make a commitment to "surrender or turn his life over to God as we understand Him." In the prevailing secular outlook of modern Western society, this is a very significant decision. Every day an observant Jew makes this commitment when he closes his eyes and says, with the intention to accept Hashem's sovereignty: שמע ישראל ה' אלוקינו ה' אחד - "Hear, O Israel: Hashem is Our God, Hashem the One and Only" (Deuteronomy 6:4).  

 

For many Orthodox Jewish addicts, the initial motivation to deal with their addiction was experienced as a conflict with their commitment to halachah and a Torah lifestyle. This is true for "classical addictions" such as substance abuse and gambling, as well as with more "contemporary addictions" such as various forms of Internet addiction, including pornography and online chatting.  

 

The Torah describes the nazir, who has made a commitment to abstain from wine after he becoming aware that he was at risk for abusing alcohol: איש או אשה כי יפליא לנדר נדר נזיר להזיר לה', "A man or woman who shall separate himself or herself by taking a Nazirite vow of abstinence, for the sake of Hashem" (Numbers 6:2). Rashi comments on the words "for the sake of Hashem," that the nazir is motivated to separate himself from wine for the sake of Heaven.  

 

A Torah source for "turning over our will and our lives" to the care of God is: גול על ה' דרכך ובטח עליו והוא יעשה, "Turn your way over to Hashem, rely on Him and He will act"(Psalms37:5). On the beginning of this verse, Rabbi Shimshon Raphael Hirsch comments that the word gol ((גול actually means to remove a burden that is too heavy to carry. One must not refrain from a good endeavor because it seems to be beyond his meager strength. We have an omnipotent helper in God. We must do our utmost and then we can rely upon God to do the rest."[2]

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Daily Dose of Dov

Dov is sober in SA for 14 years. See his story here.

 

There's Only One Day Of Recovery

 

"It starts with one... and it ends with one." Meaning: There really is only one day of recovery - ever. And that's 'today'. This is, I believe, why Teshuvah is one of the things sometimes code-named "Atah" - Today. (V'ata Yisrael, Ma hashem Elokecha Sho'el Me'Imach). It's not that it is to be done now, but that it IS only now. There's no way to do anything for tomorrow, or for yesterday. I can't go to the bathroom extra today so that I will not need to go tomorrow, can I? Same with recovery. There is nothing I can do to "prepare to be sober/clean/whatever tomorrow. Nothing. The only thing I will ever be able to do is be sober/clean today. So to me, the counting and 'adding up' is really silly. It can give a false impression that there is some sort of buildup, like we are going to a 'destination' of recovery. Not so for me. I like what Rebbe Nachman said, "yehudi hu tamid baderech - ein hu yachol lavo l'shum tachlit - A Jew is always on the way - he can never come to any destination". It's not about attaining a milestone. 90 days, a year, ten years... it's all arbitrary, really... The next day will still be just another day, no? Even my old goal of 'dying sober' is arbitrary. To Hashem we don't 'die', at all. It's a fake end. There is no end - that's why suicide is such a stupid solution for problems.... We are always gonna be here, and somehow, we always were. How can there be more than 'today', for us? 

Hashem has no 'milestones', does He? It's an endless journey in an intimate relationship and adventure with none other than our Eternal Best Friend. 

One day at a time is not a technique or a trick, as in 'just don't act-out for one day, you can do it'. It's much more than that. Like pretty much everything else in the program, it has less to do with 'not acting out' and more to do with an attitude for living life. The only way for me to live is to take my focus off of lusting or not lusting, and onto living. And I completely depend on using the steps, to allow me to do that.

Friday ~ 11 Nissan, 5771 ~ April 15, 2011
Erev Shabbos Hagadol - Acharei Mos 

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Category: Torah > Shabbos Hagadol, Pesach   

 

Shabbos Hagadol: Why were we worthy? 

 

Someone told me over a powerful vort today from the Me'or Einayim that relates very much to the situation that many of us are in, here on GYE.  

 

Why is this Shabbos called Shabbos Hagadol? Explains the Me'or Einayim that the Yidden were in a state of "Katnus" before leaving Mitzrayim. They were at the 49th level of Tumah. And the Satan said to Hashem, "why are you doing miracles for them, the Jewish people are idol worshipers just like the Egyptians!". But Hashem didn't listen to the Satan and took us out from "Katnus" to "Gadlus", as the Pasuk says "Va'tigdili Vatirdi..." And that's why it's called Shabbos Hagadol.

 

So the Me'or Einayim asks, but why indeed didn't Hashem listen to the Satan? After all, we were at the lowest level and entrenched in idol worship just like the Egyptians? So he answers that in the merit that the Yidden made a seder night before they left and they beleived that they would leave Mitzrayim, this merit was enough to uplift them to the state of "Gadlus" and merit all those miracles.

 

And the Me'or Einayim goes on to explain that this is what differentiates the "nekudah" between Jew and non-Jew. Even when a Jew is on the same level as the non-Jew and is entrenched in the lowest sins, he still wants and beleives that he will leave Mitzrayim some day. He wants to leave. He believes that Hashem can and will take him out.

 

This is such an important lesson for us. No matter how low we may have fallen, if we want to leave and believe we WILL leave "Mitzrayim", then Hashem will do miracles for us no matter where we stand!

 

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Category: Parsha, Member's Chizuk 

 

Yosef C. in SA sent me something he heard on the words:

"Acharei Mos, Kedoshim"

 

"Any yid can reach to a point where any 'not good' is acharey, behind him. Then his avoda can be in the realm of kedoshim"

 

Other one-liners that Yosef C. sent me:

• It's a high anxiety time of year... I'm a gonner without Hashem"s help, and I'm beyond grateful that He's %100 accessible. "G-d please help me stay connected to you, in all matters".

• A friend has a sign on his desk.. "Be realistic; Expect miracles!"  

• The Rebbe said, "in this generation, not only can we rely (somech) on miracles, we must(!) rely on them, with the same effort we rely (somech) our hands on a korban"... Endlessly inspiring words.

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Category: Torah > Parsha > Acharei Mos

 

The Ohr Hachayim on Acharei Mos 

 

This week's parsha discusses the inyanim of "arayos". The Ohr HaChayim on the parsha writes the secret to recovery for those who have stumbled in these areas.

 

Click here to see the Ohr Hachayim in Hebrew.

 

Click here to download a PDF of translation and explanation.  

 

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The 'Nachas Ruach' Treatment Model

 

Excerpt 6     

  

Nachas Ruach: Torah-Based Psychotherapy and Tools for Growth and Healing

The book can be purchased online via this link

 

Torah Perspectives on the Twelve Steps

 

"The Third Step" (Part 2/3)

 

In practical terms, the Twelve Step program involves applying this commitment to the struggles of daily living and encourages one in recovery to act in a way that is basically opposite to his former coping style and mode of addictive thinking. This means that if his sponsor, who represents the program, advises him to do "B" when the addict stubbornly and with false confidence wants to do "A," the addict will still "turn over" his understanding and do what the sponsor recommends and not what he originally wanted to do.

 

In the Torah we see this principle clearly in the Mishnah taught in Pirkei Avos 2:4: עשה רצונו כרצונך ... בטל רצונך מפני רצונ, "Do His will as if it were your own will...Nullify your will before His will."

 

In stressing that the addict should live a life that is more "God centered" and less "self-centered," the program strongly advances the concept to "let go...and let God in." This is in contrast to the overemphasis that modern Western culture places on being in control and expecting reality to be exactly what you want it to be all the time. Contemporary man is also conditioned through the media, for example, to believe that it is terrible not to feel "the way you would like to." He is encouraged to try to change his mood by taking a mood altering substance or having some type of experience that can become addictive that will also lead to changing one's inner state. From this kind of social conditioning, it is not surprising that so many people start to drink or smoke or become involved in Internet addictions.  

 

The innovation of the Twelve Steps was to stress the importance of learning to accept reality as it is, and from this place "not to pick up." The program teaches this from a spiritual perspective. It stresses belief in a Higher Power, and beyond this, a view that recognizes that the Higher Power is actively involved in one's life. In practical terms for the addict,this means to "let go" of what he expects and thinks he needs and to learn to accept that whatever happens to him is a reflection of God's will at that moment.  

 

In this context, the "serenity prayer" utilized in group meetings is balanced, where one asks for "the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; the courage to change the things I can; and the wisdom to know the difference."[1]

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Daily Dose of Dov

Dov is sober in SA for 14 years. See his story here.

 

The Makka is the Refuah

 

Someone asked on the forum:

 

I was wondering about why we have these periods of cleanliness, and then BAM fall into extreme desire? Further, they seem to follow patterns; 30 days seems to be a rough point, as an example. These periods of really bad desire can last an hour, a day or a week. Is there a physiological cause for the patterns and swings?

 

Dov Responds:

 

I think you are describing in the most simple and basic way, what every drunk out there knows as 'tolerance' and 'withdrawal'. Nothing more, in my opinion.    

But here's the thing. I believe that addiction is in my very body - it is not just something I do, but that it is something I am - I carry it with me wherever I go; that it is one of the most essential if not the most essential ingredient of my life in this world - for better of for worse; and that this nature I have is Hashem's own special way of finally getting me to really need Him. 

I feel I must mention here that if recovery would be a mission to get back to where we would be if only I had never been addict, then I say the entire recovery is hogwash. And I believe such an attitude apikorsus. It is setting Hashem out of the bounds of my actual life. It is the G-d of a book, not of a person.

I believe that He planned the refuah before the makkah - which means, if you think about it for a second, that there is really no such thing as a 'makkah', at all. It's all Him and His Will for me. And through the steps I live with Him right now, as soon as I wake up and start speaking to Him intimately (in English - my language, of course). I reach Hashem and stick close with Him (my Eternal Best Friend) by way of my failures and addiction. That appears to be my chelek. And it's nice.

And I owe it all to the fact that I couldn't stop acting-out and using shmutz for all those years - while I was a 'frum' adult raising a family at the same time, of course (haha) - until I finally, really, needed Him and only Him. All my trying, fighting, and teshuvah was powerless to help me. I needed Him to help it all work, for a change. And I had to go slow - and stay slow. 
 
Hatzlocha!

Sunday ~ 13 Nissan, 5771 ~ April 17, 2011
Erev Bedikas Chametz  

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Thank You!  

 

We would like to thank an anonymous donor who sent in a very generous donation (through the Jewish Communal Fund) on the day we reached our thousandth Chizuk e-mail. 

 

On behalf of the Guard Your Eyes organization, the beneficiaries of our services and their families, we thank you for your donation and for your support, which will help us proceed with our web development and expansion plan.

 

Tizke Lemitzvos!

 

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Happy Announcement

 

'Daily Wind Down' Phone Group Starting

 

Get focused on Hashem at the end of a hectic day!

 

Chol ha'moed, with the lack of schedule and lots of hefker time, can be dangerous for addicts.

 

Yosef C. who is sober for close to 7 years in SA, will be starting a phone conference for reading, sharing and connecting. The first call will begin be"H this Chol Hamoed, Thursday night, April 21 at 10 PM (for 45 min to 1 hour). There will be second call on Chol Hamoed as well, this Motzai Shabbos, April 23 at the same time.

 

The call will continue after Yom Tov IY"H, four times a week at 10 PM.

• Motzai Shabbos
• Sunday nights
• Tuesday nights
• Thursday nights

There will be selected readings (and sharing) from:

• The chapters in Tanya that deal with the super internal war/struggle that us yidden go through every day. (Download the Tanya or read it online here)
• The 12 Steps and 12 traditions (download here)
• The SA White Book (download here)  

The call in number and PIN is the same as Elya's weekly phone conference.

 

Dial-In Number is: 1-712-429-0690

Participant PIN: 225356

 

Even if you miss the beginning, you can join anytime!

 

To contact Yosef C. write to:

serenitysmile@guardyoureyes.org

 

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Tonight is BEDIKAS CHAMETZ

And Tomorrow is BIYUR CHAMETZ!

 

We all know on GYE what the REAL CHAMETZ is!  

Let's make sure we get rid of it!

 

If you can throw out your computers, laptops, iPhones, Blackberries, etc... then by all means, NOW IS THE TIME! And if you can't because you need it for Parnassa, then make sure you have strong filters installed + Reporting software. We can help you. Send an e-mail to filter.gye@gmail.com for any filter questions, or if you need someone to hold the password for you. Send an e-mail to deletebrowser@gmail.com to get a program to delete the browser on your Blackberry (e-mail continues to function normally).

 

May we all be zoche to get rid of the real Chametz = Yetzer Hara from inside of us, and to experience TRUE FREEDOM this coming Pesach.  

Amen!

 

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The 'Nachas Ruach' Treatment Model

 

Excerpt 7

 

Nachas Ruach: Torah-Based Psychotherapy and Tools for Growth and Healing

The book can be purchased online via this link

 

Torah Perspectives on the Twelve Steps

 

"The Third Step" (Part 3/3)

 

The concept of Divine providence (hashgachah pratis), which is implied in the phrase "let go... and let God in," is a fundamental belief of the Torah perspective, as emphasized in the first of Rambam's Thirteen Principles of Faith: "I believe with complete faith that the Creator, Blessed is His Name, creates and guides all creatures, and that He alone made, makes, and will make everything."[1]

 

Having faith (emunah) and trust (bitachon) in God also teaches a Jew to accept life and not expect to be in control all the time. For example, David HaMelech wrote in Psalms (16:8): שויתי ה' לנגדי תמיד, "I have placed Hashem before me always." According to the Baal Shem Tov, the verb shiviti ("I have placed") is an expression of equanimity. With this interpretation, the Baal Shem Tov taught that ultimately a person should strive to react to whatever happens to him with equanimity. A Jew accepts that what happens to him is an expression of Hashem's will.[2] Obviously, this is a difficult spiritual level to attain. Recovering addicts "really working the program" are able to internalize and apply this spiritual principle.  

 

Another Torah source for "letting go" is the verse: תמים תהיה עם ה' אלוקיך, "You shall be wholehearted with Hashem, your God" (Deuteronomy 18:13). On this Rashi says: "Have pure faith in Hashem and do not try to search out the future; rather accept what happens and then you will be His."

 

An important difference between the Torah perspective and that of the Twelve Steps is that Torah belief and faith is not based on each individual coming up with his own understanding of God. This part of the Twelve Step programis compatible with the great emphasis placed in modern Western culture on each individual determining what is right and wrong for him and not accepting outside authority. From a Torah perspective, however, this part of the program leaves open the possibility and concern that a recovering addict could worship the Higher Power in a manner that would not be acceptable to Judaism. For example, theoretically a person could understand the Higher Power in a way that would be considered avodah zarah (idol worship) by the Torah.  

 

On the other hand, the Torah recognizes and values that each individual can have his own unique experience of understanding Hashem. For example, the first verse of the Ten Commandments - "I am the Lord, your God" - is understood by the Rabbis to mean that Hashem spoke to each individual on his own level, because the phrase "your God" is written in the singular rather than in the plural tense. Also, at the crossing of the Red Sea, each individual had his own perception of God, as we see in the song at the crossing of the Red Sea:  זה קלי ואנוהו, "This is my God and I will glorify Him" (Exodus 15:2).

 

Based on my professional experience, I have seen that some Jewish addicts, often those who were not religious before going into the Twelve Step program, are subtly blocked by the program's stress on faith alone, believing that this is enough and it's not necessary for them to observe mitzvos. Others, usually FFBs, ultimately become more observant through the working the program; ironically, the Twelve Step program brings them closer to Torah observance. In Torah, the challenge is for each individual to develop a personal relationship with Hashem within the framework of halachah. 

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Daily Dose of Dov

Dov is sober in SA for 14 years. See his story here.

 

Breathing Air Is Not "Al Pi Torah"

 

Someone complained to Dov that he can't stop acting out, but he doesn't want to try the 12-Steps because he felt that admitting "powerlessness" is not the "Torah approach". After futile and frustrating discussions back and forth, Dov responded as follows:

 

The 12 steps IS THE TORAH APPROACH. What you are doing IS NOT THE TORAH APPROACH because it is making you act out! No one looks at shmutz and is mz"l and just whines about it like a little girl for years "al pi Toirah". That is idiotic.

 

For the past 15-20 years you admit you have been practicing making up all kinds of silly excuses for why you cannot 'make it'. And you are doing al pi Toirah?    

As far as I can see it, the steps are principles of Derech Eretz. Simple honesty - how can they be 'against' Torah? Nobody in the steps is trying to convince you of anything! If you believe you have the ability to stop, then you do not consider yourself powerless. Period. So you cannot do even the first step, because as yet, you do not need it! Period. So? What is wrong with that? You think I will say to you "you are fooling yourself and you really are an addict and cannot stop"? Chas veSholom! 

Nobody really sober in AA/SA will try to convince you that you are sick! How can they? It's only and forever up to you, or it won't work. And there is no "mitzvah" to "believe" that you are powerless, even in AA/SA! If you consider that the truth, then fine, if not, fine!

So all the anti-step-arguing 'al pi Torah' is nonsense, as far as I am concerned. For a real addict, it has no more to do with Torah than does arguing about the air - if you want to breathe it, then fine. If not, have a nice (short) day. And for a non-addict, what is there to argue about in the first place?

So please stop calling yourself or anything you believe in about this problem "al pi Torah", OK? It's not. Not the steps and not whatever you are doing about it (which is just whining). Water and air is not "al pi Torah", and neither is recovery, for an addict. So save your breath.
 
And you said before that you do not even know what the steps are, so why don't you just be quite and read about them. Then I suggest you judge if your derech of lying to your wife and tricking everyone who 'knows you', watching your precious little shmutz in secret, unzipping your pants when you like, and being mz"l... is more "al pi Torah" than the steps are. 

Then get back to me. 

Monday ~ 14 Nissan, 5771 ~ April 18, 2011
Erev Pesach   

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Announcement

 

Phone Group Starting Chol Hamo'ed 

 

Chol ha'moed, with the lack of schedule and lots of hefker time, can be dangerous for addicts.

 

Yosef C. who is sober for close to 7 years in SA, will be starting a phone conference for reading, sharing and connecting. The first call will begin be"H this Chol Hamoed, Thursday night, April 21 at 10 PM (for 45 min to 1 hour). There will be second call on Chol Hamoed as well, this Motzai Shabbos, April 23 at the same time.

   

Dial-In Number is: 1-712-429-0690

Participant PIN: 225356  

 

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Category: Pesach

 

Kadesh, Urchatz: It's Backwards on Seder Night

 

By "Steve"

 

OK, here's a Pesach Vort that has me on a high, said over by a fellow Chaver on Duvid chaim's call from Rabbi Reisman, but I'm embellishing the idea somewhat:

How do you grow to believe in yourself that you can make it? How do you know Hashem loves You? 

On Seder night, the order of the seder begins Kadesh, Urchatz.

 

Kadesh, which is accepting/bringing in Kedusha, comes before Urchatz, the washing off the shmutz. But isn't it supposed to be the other way around? The whole year it's usually "Sur MeiRah", then "Asei tov". That's why Asseres Yimei teshuva comes BEFORE Yom Kippur. Don't we always have to wash off the shmutz before we can be Kadosh?

On both Yom Kippur and Leil Shimurim we wear a kittle. The white symbolizes a new beginning, a clean slate. On Yom Kippur we get there from the hard work of previous teshuva. But on PESACH NIGHT, there is a special koach of LOVE from Hashem, and we get there FIRST, and the "teshuva" comes after. That's the special lesson of Leil Pesach, which is why there is a VAV between those two simanim, and not between any others - Kadesh Urchatz!! When Hashem took us out of Mitzrayim the night of Pesach, WE WERE STILL ON THE 49TH LEVEL OF TUMAH. We didn't start improving until we got out, climbing each day until Matan Torah! AND YET HE STILL TOOK US OUT!! WE WERE STILL IN THE SHMUTZ, STUCK IN THE MUCK, and that DIDN'T STOP Hashem from loving us and taking us out! 

Pesach is a VERY special time, when ALL Hashem wants and expects from us is that we RECOGNIZE that HE is the ONLY Master, and that we ONLY WANT to be HIS EVED. How do we do that? We'll learn HOW later, but for NOW we're declaring our ALLEGIANCE and our willingness to follow Him blindly out of Mitzrayim and into the desert.

We don't know WHERE we're going, we don't know HOW we're gonna get there, we don't know WHAT we'll eat along the way, all we know is to TRUST in HASHEM and want to follow Him. He LOVES US, despite the shmutz! He DESIRES US!! And I'm gonna LOVE HIM right back!!

This is a special message to us addicts - it DOESN'T MATTER that we're stuck now in the muck! On Pesach we can START A NEW SLATE by recognizing that HASHEM is the one in control of our lives, and we can determine to give up the fallacy that WE are in control. LET HIM CARRY OUR BURDEN. Let's move forward OUT of our personal Mitzrayim, and DON'T LOOK BACK!!

Chag Kasher V'Somayach! May we all FEEL the Kedusha, and always remember how MUCH Hashem Loves us!!

 

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Category: Pesach

 

And NOW He Brought Us Close     

 

By "Yosef hatzadik"

Mitchilah ovdei avodah zara hayu avoseinu v'achshav karvanu Hamokom la'avodaso. _{(Hagada Shel Pesach)}     

 

Mitchilah ovdei avodah zara hayu avoseinu & what changed. Why/how are we different??

V'achshav karvanu Hamokom la'avodaso. Hashem brought us close to Him. It is NOT to our credit. Any Kirvas Elokim that we have is ENTIRELY because Hashem draws us close Him. HE allows us to serve Him!

When did this 'drawing close' take place?

V'achshav karvanu Hamokom la'avodaso. - NOW! At this present moment!

Each & every moment that we are close to Hashem is a gift from Him! Each & every moment can be a NEW START. 

 

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The 'Nachas Ruach' Treatment Model

 

Excerpt 8

 

Nachas Ruach: Torah-Based Psychotherapy and Tools for Growth and Healing

The book can be purchased online via this link

 

Torah Perspectives on the Twelve Steps

 

"The Fourth Step"

 

"We made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves."[1]

 

This step requires the recovering addict to try to honestly understand the pscho-social-spiritual sources of his addiction. This step clearly overlaps with the Torah's concept of "self-evaluation"or cheshbon hanefesh. This means that people need to try to understand themselves and their behavior on a deeper level and have accurate self-awareness of both their strengths and their limitations. This goal is stressed in the Ethics of the Fathers (Pirkei Avos) in theMishnah.

 

In this area there is much Torah literature, including such classics as Ramchal's Mesillas Yesharim, which explains how increased self-awareness means working on underlying "character defects" and not only enhanced psychological self-knowledge.

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Daily Dose of Dov

Dov is sober in SA for 14 years. See his story here.

 

Turning the Ship Around

 

The 3rd step is about switching to a new attitude that is something like this: "since G-d is... well, G-d, then He must know better than me. He can give me anything. And He could not possibly have anything against me, for He needs nothing - He doesn't even need me to listen to Him. He's G-d, period. It must be that exactly what He is giving me is the very best thing for me, right now.  

 

It must be that I am the dumb one and He is the smart one in this 'equation'. Certainly I have made a shocking mess of things, so far. He has given me plenty of brochos - I ruined many of them. He gave me potential - I use much of it for selfish, self-destructive ends. He gave me relationships - I built a wall of lies with my 'double-life' and escapades and hidden shame.

 

And by all indications, all will only continue to get worse and more convoluted under my 'strong leadership'.

 

I'm finished. The sound of the 1st step is a quiet: "Uh-oh."

 

Putting my life and will into His care is not focused on whether I agree to keep His mitzvos or not, but on whether I agree to start to really trust Him to take the best care of me possible. Or at least do a better job than I can to look out for myself. That's called 'enlightened self-interest" in the book, "AA". It is not a religious thing, but a personal decision that has to reflect my most honest self-centered desire: I need to really believe that it is what I want - not that I am 'being good'. And this is not a bad thing, as the gemorah says: we all intuit 'chayecha kodmin'. It's just a fact that survival is an instinct - and should be. In the steps, it is really what saves us.

 

So many of us waited for a long and painful time for our righteousness to finally come to the rescue. So many more of us are out there, still waiting. Nu. The steps that I am familiar with get their initial power from instinct of survival, not from our (obviously failed) righteousness. It's the ultimate 'isarusa d'lsata', no? Think about it. It's the 3rd step - the step no one does perfectly. That's why it reads, "Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of a Power Greater than ourselves." It is a start, and it grows over a lifetime. But at least the ship is turned around!

Thursday ~ 17 Nissan, 5771 ~ April 21, 2011
Chol Hamo'ed Pesach
 

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Announcement

 

Phone Group Starting Tonight  

 

Yosef C. who is sober for close to 7 years in SA, will be starting a phone conference for reading, sharing and connecting. The first call will begin be"H tonight, April 21 at 10 PM (for 45 min to 1 hour). There will be second call on Motzai Shabbos, April 23 at the same time.

   

Dial-In Number is: 1-712-429-0690

Participant PIN: 225356  

 

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Category: Pesach

 

 

Z'man Cheiruseinu: 
An Independence Day Celebration?

By Rabbi Dr. Abraham J. Twerski

I learned much from working with an addicted population.

 

I know how you celebrate an Independence Day. Parades, picnics, hot-dogs, patriotic speeches, and fireworks-that's it. Whoever heard of an Independence Day that lasts a week, and for which you must prepare weeks in advance, cleaning the house and sterilizing the kitchen as if it were an operating room? That's a bit of an overkill for an Independence Day, isn't it?

 

Oh, well. Jews like to do things differently. But then, every Friday night we say in Kiddush that Shabbat is in commemoration of our deliverance from Egypt. We don't invoke July 4 every week!

 

But we're not finished yet. Tefillin and tzitzis are in commemoration of our deliverance from Egypt. Now it's a daily thing! In fact, many other mitzvos are in commemoration of our deliverance from Egypt. We must concede that as an Independence Day celebration, this is a bit much.

 

I came to the realization of what zman cheiruseinu is all about when a young man who was recovering from years of heavy drug addiction attended his father's seder. When his father began reciting the Haggadah, "Avadim hayinu," we were slaves to Pharaoh, the son interrupted him. "Abba," he said, "can you truthfully say that you yourself was a slave? I can tell you what it means to be a slave. All those years that I was on drugs, I was enslaved by drugs. I had no freedom. I did things that I never thought I was capable of doing, but I had no choice. The drugs demanded it, and I had to do it. Today I am a free person."

 

When the young man related this to me, Passover suddenly took on an entirely new meaning. Yes, we can be slaves to a tyrannical ruler. But we can also be slaves to drugs, to alcohol, to cigarettes, to food, to lust or to gambling. Any time we lose control of our behavior, we are slaves. If we are not in control of our anger, we are slaves to anger. People who cannot detach themselves from the office are slaves to it. A person can be a slave to making money or to pursuing acclaim. These are enslavements that are no less ruthless than being slaves to Pharaoh. We may surrender our precious freedom and allow our drives and impulses to exercise a tyrannical rule over us.

 

It is now clear what zman cheiruseinu is all about. It is much more than political independence, and we can see why we are reminded of this not only during the week of Passover, but every Friday night and even multiple times during each day. We are at all times at risk of surrendering our precious independence and allowing ourselves to become enslaved.

 

Make no mistake. A slave cannot exercise proper judgment and has no free choice. A person who wants to live and knows that cigarettes can kill him but is unable to stop smoking is a slave, and this is true of many behaviors which we may not consider addictions. Our thinking becomes distorted, as I explained in Addictive Thinking, and we rationalize our self-destructive behavior.

 

The young man's comment to his father's reading of the Haggadah stimulate me to write a commentary, the Haggadah From Bondage to Freedom, in which I pointed out that far from bring a narrative of an historical event, the Haggadah is a text of identifying our addictive behaviors and a guideline on how to break loose from these enslavements and be free people.

 

Animals are not free. They can not make a choice between right and wrong. They must do what their body desires. The uniqueness of man is that we are free to choose how to act. "Give me liberty or give me death" is more than a patriotic declaration. To the degree that we lose our freedom to choose, to that degree an element of our humanity dies.

 

The teaching of Passover is to cherish freedom and not to submit to tyranny, even to the tyranny within ourselves.

 

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The 'Nachas Ruach' Treatment Model

 

Excerpt 9      

    Nachas Ruach: Torah-Based Psychotherapy and Tools for Growth and Healing

The book can be purchased online via this link

 

Torah Perspectives on the Twelve Steps

 

"The Fifth Step"

 

"We admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs."[1]

 

The Rambam writes in Hilchos Teshuvah 2:5 that it is recommended to tell other people about one's shortcomings regarding mitzvos between man and his fellowman, but not those that concern the relationship between man and God. Here the Torah perspective can be seen to differ in some way from the Twelve Steps.  

 

There is also an important Chassidic source in the introduction to Sefer Noam Elimelech, where a Jew is encouraged to "find a friend with whom he can speak openly and share his inner world completely, including thoughts and wishes that are considered forbidden."  

 

Certain schools in the mussar movement also utilized the technique of an individual member sharing within the context of a group his inner process and struggles. "Rav Israel Salant advocated setting up 'mussar' houses. Some would come there individually. Others might come in groups at set times, and altogether vent their feelings and thoughts with intense fervor. Sometimes a member of a group would deliver an emotionally stimulating discourse and they would encourage one another."[2]

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Daily Dose of Dov

Dov is sober in SA for 14 years. See his story here.

 

I Refuse to be Relegated to the Trash Heap 

 

So, what is your plan, actually? Do you have any actual action-tools (things to do) that you didn't have for the past few years? If so, great. When they work, iy"H, share them with us. But if you are essentially trying basically the same thing and expecting a totally different result, then that's an entirely different matter. 

I think we can agree that we are not talking about a mere habit here. We are talking about using a things like lust, shmutz, hz"l, and fantasy. These things engage a chunk of our brains that is (temporarily) wonderfully invigorating, and are powerful enough to create actual bodily sensations that cannot be wished away. For many guys, these things convince them that they are real men, and the center of the universe, at least for a little while. Hey...being a king for a few minutes is nice, no? So we get slapped around pretty good afterward...that inevitability rarely stopped any of us before, right? 

What's more, being an addict who has been around that bush a few times myself, I believe that the innocent, well-meaning fellow who goes hunting for sobriety with the same stick-with-a-nail-in-it that he had before actually wants to get exactly what he got before: failure. After all, it is really hard for us to say goodbye to our friend, schmutz. And if anyone says "Ach! No, it's horrible!" then I ask him, "then why has it become so habitual for us?" Because it's evil? Who likes evil? No one I know. Oh, the YH made us do it? Well...I think that's a different religion, personally. I prefer yiddishkeit, myself - the religion that says we bear personal responsibility for our choices and yet can be completely forgiven by Hashem as long as we give the self-destructive behavior up. And I believe that if a man or woman is an addict, they really have lost the ability to fight this and are doomed to descend forever lower - until it hurts so much that they cry out to the only Power that is left: Hashem - the very One they were always running away from! The only 'Ace in the hole'. All the sincere plans, takanos, kabalos, chizuk groups, and white-knuckling eventually just run out. Charotoh is certainly very nice and may be a mitzvah of some sort, but is still basically useless for people like me. 

I never stopped because of moral regret. I stopped because of having to make a choice between losing everything valuable in my life or hanging on to that open-ended expense account I discovered I had access to: Lust. It served its purpose for a while, then it turned on me and I still wanted it (and sometimes still do) but fully accept that I can't afford it. 

I did it for me, not for Hashem, not for my family, not for Klal Yisroel, nor for my Olam haba. I did it for me right here and now, when the cost just became too much. So I have no interest in any s'char for it - not from Hashem, nor from you or anybody else who might admire me for staying sober....I am sober for selfish reasons. It's enlightened self-interest, that's all. I refuse to be relegated to the trash heap. I refuse to roll over and be road-kill - but I truly cannot stop!! I need a miracle to avoid the very first drink - the only one that really gets me in trouble.  

So... it all depends on what you want and what you don't want. There are tools for those who have discovered that they don't have what it takes to win. Like me. And that is where the recovery I know of begins.

Friday ~ 18 Nissan, 5771 ~ April 22, 2011
Chol Hamo'ed Pesach
 

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Announcement

 

Don't Forget: Phone Group Motzai Shabbos   

 

Yosef C. in SA will be moderating his second phone group for reading, sharing and connecting this Motzai Shabbos, April 23 at 10 PM. 

   

Dial-In Number is: 1-712-429-0690

Participant PIN: 225356  

 

After Pesach, Yosef's call will continue four times a week: Motzai Shabbos, Sunday, Tuesday, and Thursday at 10 PM.  

 

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Category: Pesach

 

Rushing Out of Mitzrayim

By Rabbi Moss

To subscribe to Rabbi Moss's weekly emails: rabbimoss@nefesh.com.au 

 

Question of the Week:

 

What is the connection between eating matzah and escaping from Egypt? I know that the Jews left Egypt in such a rush, the dough didn't have time enough to rise. The men would have been saying to their wives, "Honey we gotta go in 10 minutes, just grab some food and let's go!!"

 

So they happened to eat matzah - who cares? It doesn't seem at all significant. Why is matzah elevated to be main focus of the whole Pesach experience? I think Pesach is about freedom, not food!

 

Answer:  

 

Think about it. The Israelites had to rush out of Egypt so fast, they didn't have time for their bread to rise. Why? Does that make sense? What was the rush exactly? The Egyptians had just been blasted with ten plagues as divine punishment for holding the Israelites captive, they were more than ready to let them go. So why rush things? Couldn't they have spent the few extra minutes it takes to let the bread rise and make proper sandwiches for the trip?

 

The answer is: they weren't running from the Egyptians, they were running from themselves. The two centuries of slavery had taken their toll on the Jewish people's spirit. They had forgotten their illustrious past as children of Abraham, Isaac and Jacob, pioneers of a path of ethics and higher morals. The corruption and depravity of the Egyptian society had slowly crept into the Israelite mentality, and they assimilated many of its paganistic ideals into their own. They were slaves to Egypt, not just in body, but in mind as well.

 

It came to a point where their unique identity was all but lost. Suddenly they realised that the legacy of Abraham could be lost forever, and the message of hope that the Israelites were to bring the world would not be delivered, all because of them. Only then did they cry out for help. On the brink of point of no return, they called out to G-d.

 

Think of an alcoholic. For a while, the alcoholic fools himself into thinking that things are in control, he is just drinking socially, it relaxes him, there's nothing wrong. Gradually, the habit overtakes him, and one-by-one he loses everything he has: his family, his job, his money, his dignity. But it's only when he hits rock bottom, when he has been stripped of everything, that it suddenly dawns on him that he has a real problem.

 

Now he has to act fast. Once he has recognised the problem, he has to deal with it immediately, before that moment of clarity passes by and he slips back into self-justification. He can't do it alone. He's too drunk to help himself. He has to call for help. Someone from the outside, someone sober, will have to reach out to drag him out of his addiction. But they can only help him if he is willing to go cold-turkey, not to touch alcohol until he is cured. He has to run away from the addict that he has been until now. Otherwise he cannot begin to heal.

 

That's why Matzah is the crux of what the exodus is all about. The children of Israel had to make a hasty retreat from Egypt. Egypt and its lowliness had a hold on them, as powerful as an addiction. They had to first get out of Egypt in order to get Egypt out of themselves. To delay would be deadly. Once they had realised the problem, if they would then have hesitated, it could have spelt the end for them - they may have sunk to the point of no return.

 

Pesach is a de-tox retreat, where the spirit of liberty calls upon us to free ourselves from our personal Egypt. The Matzah reminds us that the first step towards freedom is to go cold-turkey. No hesitations; make a sudden and complete exodus from the you that was, and march through the desert towards the you that you can be.

 

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The 'Nachas Ruach' Treatment Model

 

Excerpt 10       

    Nachas Ruach: Torah-Based Psychotherapy and Tools for Growth and Healing

The book can be purchased online via this link

 

Torah Perspectives on the Twelve Steps

 

"The Sixth & Seventh Steps"

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  

 

Daily Dose of Dov

Dov is sober in SA for 14 years. See his story here.

 

The Day AFTER the Seder Night  

 

I believe that Hashem heals us only one day at a time. Not for a week, a month, a year, and certainly not for a lifetime. I believe that for an addict, the "teshuvah gemurah" fantasy (as Chazal say for normal people: "he is omeid in one big nisayon so that Hashem is mey'id that he will never fall again") is simply irrelevant, the "final tikkun" is simply irrelevant - and actually, they are nothing less than triggers for our gayvoh and forgetting who we are. And that is why even on Rosh haShanah - or on the seder night I do not give in to my YH to expect Hashem or even to ask for Hashem to "help me stay sober this year" - I only ever ask Him for today, be it a regular day or even an epic day, such as RH or the heiligeh seder night. The day after the holy seder night- is the only day for me to be concerned with the day after the seder night. I like this simple and honest way to live, and it works. The old way did not, so I refuse to go back to it - I consider it kisli v'kei'i. Why try it again?

My point is that He is either healing us right now - or He is not healing us, at all. We may not feel it, but it is happening as long as we are working some kind of (always very imperfect) program - and are sober today. (BTW, this is exactly R' Yisroel Salanter's interpretation of the story of R' Akivah on the beach.) 

Besides, there may always be just as much progress ahead of us to make, as there is right now! Yehudi hu tamid baderech - ein hu yachol lavo l'shum tachlis (R' Nachman zy"a). Who knows? 

And who cares? 

Is 'never getting saved' a discouraging thought? It will be - if you are one of those who are waiting to be magically healed by Hashem so that you will no longer need to worry about anything. The only time that happens is when we die...maybe. And I'm not particularly interested in that right now, b"H, though I had my moments years ago. .

I wish for you to let go of waiting for Him to 'heal you soon'. You are going in the right direction and are sober today. That is awesome, awesome, awesome - and for me, that must be enough. Everything else is icing on the cake. 

The amazing change always comes, as long as we do today's business today and tomorrows business tomorrow. It's really simple. And that is one of the reasons that it's so good to be alive!  

Sunday ~ 20 Nissan, 5771 ~ April 24, 2011
Erev Shvi'i Shel Pesach
 

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Announcement

 

View all GYE's Phone Conferences in One Place    

 

Thank G-d, GuardYourEyes is growing and more and more phone conferences are being added over the months and years. B"H today we have 12 different phone groups with over 30 weekly calls. (A new group on general "Shmiras Ainayim" is starting after Pesach, be"H). 

 

To help everyone keep track of all the available phone conferences, their times and call-in numbers, we created the following Google Doc Excel sheet. 

 

GYE's Phone Conferences

 

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Category: Torah > Pesach 

 

Kriyas Yam Suf: We Can't, He Can 

 

Question: Why did Hashem tell Moshe to tell Pharaoh that the Jewish people just wanted to just leave "derech shloshes yamim - a way of three days" to serve Hashem, making it sound like we were planning to come back? Indeed when we finally left, Pharaoh sent spies after us to make sure we came back, and when they saw that we kept going after 3 days, they came back to Pharaoh and told him "ki barach ha'am - that the nation had ran away". Why did Hashem have to play tricks with Pharaoh? Why couldn't he tell him straight out to let the Yidden go for-good? After all, Pharaoh had no choice in the end, either way!

 

Answer: Hashem wanted to leave Pharaoh with the illusion that he was the one who let the Yidden out in the end... even though he didn't have a choice. As it says in Parshas Bishalach, "vayehi bishalach Pharaoh es ha'am - and it was when Pharaoh sent out the people"... Pharaoh thought that he was the one letting them go. Because of this, the redemption still was not complete. It had to be 100% clear that it was Hashem who was taking us out. That is why Hashem played this game with him, so he should think he still had some "control" - and then he would "change his mind" and chase the Yidden. Only then was Hashem able to show that it was 100% His doing at Kriyas Yam Suf.

Our addiction is like Pharaoh. The lesson we can learn from this is that the addiction won't let us go no matter what, until our ego gets hit so many times over the head (10 makkos) that the ego/Yetzer Hara himself agrees to let the person leave the addiction. However, this is still not bi'shleimus (complete) as long as we think that "we" (the yetzer or ego) is the one that let us out of the addiction. So it may work for a while, but then Hashem causes "Pharaoh" / the addiction to come chasing after us again. In other words, as long as we left the addiction because "we" decided to, but without a complete awareness that it was Hashem who got us out, ultimately it will not hold. It will chase us down again, because we still think "we" are in control somewhat. Like Pharaoh believed that he was the one to "agree" to let us out.

Only when we stand before the Yam Suf in complete powerlessness, with the addiction chasing us from behind to enslave us forever, and with a raging sea in front of us where we "imagine" we will surely drown if we leave our addiction for good; only in such a state are we truly able to admit defeat and know that only Hashem can save us. And this is the state of awareness that Hashem wants us to reach; a point where we truly have a proper vessel for His help - i.e. to know with 100% clarity that only He can save us. And then He splits the Yam Suf and takes us out completely. "Hashem ish milchama, Hashem shemo - Hashem is the man of war, Hashem is His name".

 

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The 'Nachas Ruach' Treatment Model

Excerpt 11   

 

The Nachas Ruach approach defines five stages in the process of the development and treatment of addictions utilizing the model of Egypt as a metaphor. They are:

1. Going into Egypt
2. Becoming enslaved in Egypt
3. Leaving Egypt
4. Being in the desert
5. Entering the promised land     

    Nachas Ruach: Torah-Based Psychotherapy and Tools for Growth and Healing

The book can be purchased online via this link

 

Torah Perspectives on the Twelve Steps

 

"The Eighth & Ninth Steps"

 

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Daily Dose of Dov

Dov is sober in SA for 14 years. See his story here.

 

Addict vs. Non-Addict

 

I completely reject the idea that any yid who uses shmutz (fantasy) and hz"l once in a while is "an addict". As far as I am concerned, that is ridiculous. The badness of the aveira does not convert in into an addiction - at least per the 1st of the 12 steps that I know of. 
 

An addict is unable to stop - his track record eventually teaches him this -hopefully before creating too much wreckage and destroying too many other people's lives. He (or she) is also suffering a great deal at the hands of the compulsion. Life is often looking acceptable on the outside, but truly nuts on the inside. And they are the only ones who can possibly decide whether or not they are addicts. 

I have never met any guy who admitted he was an addict who got better by getting married. Maybe there are some, but I rather believe that this is often what happens to them: 

Crazy over lust, they get married and drive their wives batty with lust demands for decades. This remains behind closed door. No one finds out about it...until they finally give up either because their wives are tired of the disgusting idea of being treated as an 'receptacle' for their husbands to act out all their fantasies - or the husband himself soon discovers that his poor, innocent wife cannot compete with the fantasy-woman (or women) burned into his heart. 

The real success stories are of the men who are either addicts and in recovery, or were never addicts in the first place and grew up a bit after getting married. They learned what real life is like and let go of the childish fantasies - unlike myself. I did not do that. And here I am, totally unable to win the battle and yet sober today for the past 14 years, by His Chessed.

Wednesday ~ 23 Nissan, 5771 ~ April 27, 2011
 

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Happy Announcement

 

"Windows of the Soul" Group Starting 

 

We will IY"H be starting a new phone conference on general "Shmiras Einayim". This conference is applicable to all "males", not specific to addicts. We will be working through the book "Windows of the Soul" which is a 30 day program for learning how to guard our eyes.

 

The plan is to start May 1st, Sunday - Thursday, at 6 PM each day. If you would prefer a later time, please write to us now and let us know so we can adjust the time as per the demand. 

 

View all GYE's Phone Conferences in One Place    

 

Thank G-d, GuardYourEyes is growing and more and more phone conferences are being added over the months and years. B"H today we have 12 different phone groups with over 30 weekly calls. 

 

To help everyone keep track of all the available phone conferences, their times and call-in numbers, we created the following Google Doc Excel sheet. 

 

GYE's Phone Conferences

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~RR~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  

 

Category: Torah > Pesach 

 

After Pesach... "Follow Me Into the Desert" 

 

After the spiritual "high" of Pesach / Kriyas Yam-Suf, getting back to regular life can be rough for an addict. Immediately after kriyas Yam Suf, it says that the Yidden went for three days into the desert and that there was no water for the people to drink. This place was known as "Mara" - meaning "Bitter". Often, after breaking free from life-long habits and desires, one goes through a stage of "withdrawal" where he may feel "dried out". "And G-d showed Moses a branch and he placed it in the water and the water became sweetened". The Aitz or branch, refers to the Tree of Life which represents "G-d and his Torah". As one progresses on his journey to sexual purity, he is able to connect with G-d and the Torah in ways he was never able to before. It is this spiritual connection, this branch from the "Tree of Life", that sweetens the desert waters and replaces the lust and self-gratification that he had become so accustomed to, with the truly life giving waters of spirituality, sobriety, joy and a true freedom.

 

Without this "branch" from the Tree of Life, the journey in the desert of sobriety remains truly "bitter" and one may end up returning to Egypt - "on the path that I told you that you shall not see again" (Devarim 28:68).

 

See this page for ideas of how to increase the Torah learning in your life.

 

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Finding Happiness in Torah

 

Yosef C. from the "Daily Wind Down" phone conference sent me:

 

The Gemora in Chagiga 13a says "the innermost parts of Torah are only given to someone whose heart is worried or anxious within himself"...

The Tzemach Tzedek (whose yartzeit is 13 Nissan) explains (derech mitzvosecha, tumas metzora 102,2) that "yiddeshe anxiety isn't depression c'v, rather a lack of open revealed connection to Hashem"... And "through connecting to Torah (in whatever form), the yid will truly be happy"...

In other words, specifically because of our great anxiety within, we will therefore come so very, very close to Hashem and His Torah...

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  

 

The 'Nachas Ruach' Treatment Model

Excerpt 12    

 

    Nachas Ruach: Torah-Based Psychotherapy and Tools for Growth and Healing

The book can be purchased online via this link

 

Torah Perspectives on the Twelve Steps

 

"The Tenth Step"

 

Thursday ~ 24 Nissan, 5771 ~ April 28, 2011
 

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Announcements

 

Join the "Daily Wind Down" Group Tonight  

 
 

Yosef C. who is sober for close to 7 years in SA, will be moderating a phone conference for reading, sharing and connecting tonight. The call will take place four times a week at 10 PM: Sunday, Tuesday, Thursday and Motzai Shabbos.

   

Dial-In Number is: 1-712-429-0690

Participant PIN: 225356

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

"Windows of the Soul" Group Starting 

 

We will IY"H be starting a new phone conference on general "Shmiras Einayim". This conference is applicable to all "males", not specific to addicts. We will be working through the book "Windows of the Soul" which is a 30 day program for learning how to guard our eyes.

 

The plan is to start May 1st, Sunday - Thursday, at 6 or 7 PM each day. If you would prefer a later time, please write to us now and let us know so we can adjust the time as per the demand.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

View all GYE's Phone Conferences in One Place    

 

Thank G-d, GuardYourEyes is growing and more and more phone conferences are being added over the months and years. B"H today we have 12 different phone groups with over 30 weekly calls. To help everyone keep track of all the available phone conferences, their times and call-in numbers, we created the a Google Doc Excel sheet (click link above).

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  

 

Category: Links   

 

 

DOOMED

Sometimes Hitting Bottom is Not Enough

 

Just change the words "Gambling" and "GA" in this article to "Lust" and "SA".  

 

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Category: Testimonials  

 

Mazal Tov to Steve on 500 Days Clean!

 

Steve leads the morning call of Duvid Chaim's cruise. (The next 12-Step Conference Call cycle is set to begin Monday, May 16, BEH"Y). Today Steve wrote:

 

The 12 Step Program teaches us how to become Spiritually Fit, and when I am, the triggers can wiggle by and I just won't care to focus on them. Not 'white knuckling', boys, but BLESSED INDIFFERENCE. And I'm SOOOO thankful to Hashem for giving me of His strength to become Spiritually Fit!! 

 

Rav Dessler points out that LOVE is created by GIVING, not by taking. The more we GIVE to someone, the more we love them. So when in the Shema Yisroel we are commanded to love Hashem, how can we get there? By GIVING to Hashem. But how can we give to He who owns EVERYTHING? We read in Hallel - "What can I give to Hashem for all His kindness to me? The cup of salvation I will raise, and praise the Name of Hashem." All I can give back to Hashem is MYSELF - to try my best to be a good eved and son to him, and to "raise the cup" of my salvation by publicly praising Him for his goodness and kindness to me.

 

To this end, I am overly thankful to Hashem Yisborach for this delicious milestone he has helped me reach, for by the Grace of G-d I have just reached 500 days clean and sober from the Big Bad M. And of course, I COULD NEVER HAVE DONE IT WITHOUT THE BOOSTER ROCKETS OF MY HIGHER POWER, YOU GUYS IN THE CHEVRA & THE GYE FORUM! 

 

Every day is still a struggle to keep my eyes and my mind pure, but it's the struggle of recovery, B"H, and very rarely white knuckling (but to be honest, sometimes I have to get through it that way still).

 

May we ALL be zoche TOGETHER to give Hashem Yisborach the ultimate gift, to serve him with Kedusha and Tahara, to elevate our souls and fulfill His will always!

 

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The 'Nachas Ruach' Treatment Model

Excerpt 13     

 

    Nachas Ruach: Torah-Based Psychotherapy and Tools for Growth and Healing

The book can be purchased online via this link

 

Torah Perspectives on the Twelve Steps

 

"The Eleventh Step"

 

Friday ~ 25 Nissan, 5771 ~ April 29, 2011
Erev Shabbos Parshas Kedoshim
 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  

 

Happy Announcement

 

"Windows of the Soul" Phone Group Starting Sunday 

 

 

 

This Sunday, May 1^st, a new phone conference on general "Shmiras Einayim" will begin be"H.

 

Only 20 Minutes a Day!

 

We will be working through the book "Windows of the Soul", which is a 30 day program for learning how to guard our eyes.

 

Click here to purchase the book on-line.

 

Click here to download a free PDF of book.

 

The schedule for this call will be as follows:

 

Sunday: 6:30 PM

 

Monday - Thursday: 7:15 PM

 

Dial in number: 712-432-0900

Participant PIN: 424479

 

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Join the "Daily Wind Down" Group    

This Coming Motzai Shabbos & Sunday Night

 

Yosef C. who is sober for close to 7 years in SA, is moderating a phone conference for reading, sharing and connecting, four times a week at 10 PM: Sunday, Tuesday, Thursday and Motzai Shabbos.

   

Dial-In Number: 1-712-429-0690

Participant PIN: 225356

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

View all GYE's Phone Conferences in One Place    

 

Thank G-d, GuardYourEyes is growing and more and more phone conferences are being added over the months and years. B"H today we have 12 different phone groups with over 30 weekly calls. To help everyone keep track of all the available phone conferences, their times and call-in numbers, we created a special Google Doc Excel sheet (click link above).

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  

 

Category: Torah > Parshas Kedoshim    

 

 

Kedoshim: Rashi vs. Ramban

By Rabbi Avraham Twerski, Copyright © 2011 by The TorahWeb Foundation. 

Permanent Link

 

Hashem instructs Moshe to tell the Children of Israel, "Kedoshim tihiyu, you shall be holy," but does not specify what one must do to be holy. Rashi says that this means one must abstain from immoral behavior. Ramban says that it means one should restrain oneself from indulging in permissible pleasures. His famous statement is that a person might be a naval bereshus haTorah, a degenerate person who is technically observant of all 613 mitzvos.

 

Today we can realize that these two interpretations are one and the same.

 

The frum community is being swept by an epidemic - yes, a plague of addiction to internet pornography. As the Talmud says, when a plague occurs, it does not discriminate between tzaddikim and reshaim (Bava Kama 60a). This is afflicting men and women of all ages, some of whom appear to be stellar in Torah and Yiddishkeit!

 

Satan is waging a ferocious battle, and it is claiming victims. Some bachurim are drifting away from Yiddishkeit, publicly and privately. They know that what they are doing is an abomination to Hashem, but because they cannot control themselves, they feel they have lost their connection with Hashem. Their davening and learning suffers, and even Shabbos observance is affected. Wives feel they have been betrayed, and marriages are ruined, with the children being innocent victims.

 

The effort to stop this plague by outlawing computers and internet is unfortunately futile. Every day, more of our daily actions become dependent on the internet. It is predicted that check writing will become extinct and all transactions will take place on-line.

 

Filters are the first line of defense, but essentially they are a defense to avoid accidental pop-ups. This is important, because if an indecent picture pops up and one does not immediately turn it off, one can be in trouble. Some people can become "hooked" by a single exposure of just several seconds.

 

Unfortunately, filters are of limited value for the person who is addicted. One can find ways to circumvent the filters.

 

I may sound naive, but I believe the only truly effective antidote to this terrible plague is developing a genuine sense of kedushah. A person would not think of taking a siddur or chumash into the bathroom. Yet, when one looks at pornography, one is doing much worse. One is taking one's neshamah, which is part of Hashem Himself, and dragging into the pits of disgusting filth! I believe that if a person had a true feeling of personal kedushah, one would be loath to defile it.

 

Meticulously observing Shabbos, eating only glatt kosher, pas Yisrael and chalav Yisrael, as important as they may are, is not enough to gain a feeling of kedushah. Ramban said it well. One can observe Shabbos, eat only glatt kosher, pas Yisrael and chalav Yisrael, be an olam hazehnik and devoid of kedushah.

 

Rashi and Ramban do not disagree. The only way to avoid immorality is to develop a feeling of kedushah, which is not achieved when we are indulgent in permissible gratifications.

 

Kedoshim tihiyu is a Scriptural mitzvah, and its proper fulfillment is literally life-saving.

 

There are few therapists that deal with pornography addiction. The website guardureyes.com is a most valuable resource for help, providing chizuk, education and anonymous support groups. Countless people have been helped by this website.

 

There must be a dedicated effort at developing kedushah, in the home, shuls, yeshivos and girls schools. The study of mussar and Chassidic writings should be a profound emotional rather than an intellectual experience. Parents and teachers must realize that they must model kedushah in their lives, because only this way will our young people adopt it in their lives.

 

I am not an alarmist, but I must say that we are at a crisis, and we must make heroic efforts to avoid disintegration of our families.

 

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Mischanneled "Chesed"

 

By "ZemirosShabbos"

 

Towards the end of the parsha, there is the section of arayos. In the pasuk about not having relations with a sister, the torah calls it a "chesed". Obviously this is a word that requires an explanation.

 

The Radak says that this word has 2 meanings - kindness and disgrace. The reason being that the disgrace of immorality stems from an over indulgence in the desire to give, to do chesed. Giving without restriction or constraint will lead to immorality.

 

For those of us who have encountered the disgrace of immorality, the Radak is telling us that it all stems from a burning desire to do chesed, to give. If we can channel it in the right direction and look after, this desire can help us give give give, but to the right causes.

 

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The 'Nachas Ruach' Treatment Model

Excerpt 14

 

    Nachas Ruach: Torah-Based Psychotherapy and Tools for Growth and Healing

The book can be purchased online via this link

 

Torah Perspectives on the Twelve Steps

 

"The Eleventh Step" (Part 2/2) 

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  

 

Daily Dose of Dov

Dov is sober in SA for 14 years. See his story here.

 

Turning Our Back on Our Old Selves  

 

The steps (besides the first one) as I was taught them and use them, have little to do with getting me sober. That is what my first step is about, and why it is the only step that even mentions our addiction. The 3rd step and on are about keeping me sober. I must use the steps to turn my back on the entire way of life of an acting-out person. If I am still grappling onto lust "to kill it with one of the steps", I am a fool. Surrender either happens in my 1st step - which I may need to retake every single day or even many times a day - or it does not. The third step is about living in the solution, not about beating the problem. That is very, very precious and important to me.

Now, 'having to do this stuff over and over' sounds like an insurmountable task, but that is just a complete lie. It is not at all insurmountable. Remember, people from all walks of life have, and are, living with this program, inner-city uneducated , farm-hands, hot-shot lawyers, rabbeim, and doctors....anyone can do this. Heck, our destructive feelings and desires come to us over and over! So, we have to eat, go to the bathroom, and breathe over and over, too...so what? Do we ever get overwhelmed by "the immense job ahead of us to eat and go to the restroom over and over multiple times a day for the next 30, 50, or 80 years!" Of course not. We know we will do this moment's job at that moment and the next moment's job in that moment. It's simple. And it will all be OK. 

Sunday ~ 27 Nissan, 5771 ~ May 1, 2011
 

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Happy Announcement

 

"Windows of the Soul" Phone Group Starting Tonight!  

 

 

 

This Sunday, May 1^st, a new phone conference on general "Shmiras Einayim" will begin be"H.

 

Only 20 Minutes a Day!

 

We will be working through the book "Windows of the Soul", which is a 30 day program for learning how to guard our eyes.

 

Click here to purchase the book on-line.

 

Click here to download a free PDF of book.

 

The schedule for this call will be as follows:

 

Sunday: 6:30 PM

 

Monday - Thursday: 7:15 PM

 

Dial in number: 712-432-0900

Participant PIN: 424479

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

Join the "Daily Wind Down" Group Tonight as well!     

Yosef C. who is sober for close to 7 years in SA, is moderating a phone conference for reading, sharing and connecting, four times a week at 10 PM: Sunday, Tuesday, Thursday and Motzai Shabbos.

   

Dial-In Number: 1-712-429-0690

Participant PIN: 225356

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

View all GYE's Phone Conferences in One Place    

 

Thank G-d, GuardYourEyes is growing and more and more phone conferences are being added over the months and years. B"H today we have 12 different phone groups with over 30 weekly calls. To help everyone keep track of all the available phone conferences, their times and call-in numbers, we created a special Google Doc Excel sheet (click link above).

 

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Category: Torah Thought   

 

Don't Give Power to Flesh & Blood 

A young man complained to the Kotzker that he was dominated by his wife. The kotzker replied that G-d had told Eve "To your husband shall be your desire, and he shall rule over you" If the first half of this statement is reversed, so is the second. [ Emet VeEmunah, page 21]

 

Explanation: "To your husband shall be your desire" means that the woman is supposed to "desire" her husband (her desire is more a desire of security, dependency etc.). But in today's society, the desires of man are often so strong so that he is the one "desiring" his wife rather than she desiring him. Perhaps that is why women wield so much power in today's society, and maybe that is why men no longer "rule" their homes like in the old days.

 

When we desire a woman for her body, we are making her into a form of Avodah Zara. We are deifying her. Tnu Oz Le'Elokim! Let us give power to Hashem instead - and not to flesh and blood.

 

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Category: Quote > Torah     

 

Torah in the Bathroom?!
 

Sent in by Yosef C. from the Shulchan Aruch Ha'Rav Siman 85, Sif 4:

 

"One should think divrei Torah even in a bathroom, if that's the only way to keep thoughts of women out of his head"

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Category: Attitude Tips     

 

How To Use Guilt

From an article by Rabbi Moss.
E-mail rabbimoss@nefesh.com.au to subscribe to his weekly e-mails.

Guilt is to the soul what pain is to the body. Pain itself is not a good thing, but it does serve a positive purpose. Pain alerts you to a problem that requires action, it calls you to seek its source and alleviate it.

Guilt serves a positive purpose too. Guilt that eats away at us is pointless. But guilt can be used as a catalyst for becoming a better person, when it alerts us to acknowledge mistakes we have made, take responsibility for them and not blame others - even if others were partially to blame - and then resolve to be better for the experience. We must turn around the negative feelings, so they can propel us to do more good.
 
Guilt creates a void in our soul. Fill that void with something meaningful. Redirect your energy towards a new venture that will benefit someone in need. That way you don't just alleviate the guilt, you actually transform it into a force for good.
 
You can't bring back the potential that was lost. But you can reclaim your own potential. Don't let guilt paralyze you any longer. Ask G-d to forgive you. Then turn your guilt around, and use it as a springboard for positive action. Make what was a negative chapter in your life into the introduction to the next chapter; making the world a better place, starting from you.  

 

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The 'Nachas Ruach' Treatment Model

Excerpt 15

 

    Nachas Ruach: Torah-Based Psychotherapy and Tools for Growth and Healing

The book can be purchased online via this link

 

Torah Perspectives on the Twelve Steps

 

"The Twelfth Step"  

 

Monday ~ 28 Nissan, 5771 ~ May 2, 2011
 

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The Lakewood Scoop announces:

 

Guard Your Eyes Launches 'Shmiras Einayim' Phone Conference

 

 Last evening's call was a success! 

 

If you missed the call, you can call 712-432-0990 and enter the code 424479 to hear a recording.

 

Join us tonight again at 7:15 PM EST.

 

Dial in number: 712-432-0900

Participant PIN: 424479

 

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Important: Elya's Group will not take place this Monday evening.  

Please join us next week Monday instead.      

 

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View all GYE's Phone Conferences in One Place    

 

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Category:  Attitude, Torah Thought     

 

Where To Put That Powerful Energy

Shared by Yosef C. who is sober in SA for nearly 7 years.

 

I now rejoice with my inner animal: and boy is he big! This 'super passion' that I feel, is a most wondrous thing. Of course, acting out is out of the question: period.

So now what? All this energy must go 'somewhere'.

Here comes responsibility and a schedule.

The yetzer is always lurking, let's not kid ourselves. However, Hashem is much, much stronger. As intimidating as the yetzer may seem at first, when all is said and done, he's really just an 'old foolish king'. Hashem can wipe the floor with him in a second.

So here I am, at work, not acting out, doing what's asked of me, and with a whole full scheduled day ahead of me to look forward to. My family needs me later, and I'll be there: sober, and with a smile. I have friends here at work, and all my conversations are with a smile. Anger and tension are avoided as I LUST to be nice to others and keep a calm and serene ruach about me. I listen to what others say, and 'let go' of my own erroneous conclusions all day long. I already look forward with great happiness and gratitude, to the daf I plan on learning tonight as well.

The energy from the yetzer is POWERFUL and it was given to us to be channeled and harnessed: only and entirely for our benefit as yidden with Hashem: Just as one would put a saddle on a wild strong animal. With G-d, we won't fall off. "When we're connected above, we don't fall below".

Just see the holy words of the Holy Tanya in ch. 27. In shema we say, "don't stray after your eyes and heart, which you act immorally from them." For sure this isn't talking about tzadikim, to say THEY(!?) act immorally?!! Rather, this commandment is for the 'average guy' who may indeed act immorally"

So we, all of us, 'average guys' have a mitzva d'oraysa that the 'holly rollers', the real tzadikim, don't have. And if THAT ain't a reason to rejoice, please tell me what is!

(For the avoda of those 'super spiritual' tzadikim, see Tanya ch. 10. As for us, I'm personally happy with my 'lot' 'down here' on the front lines).

 

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Category: Poems, Parables

 

Patience

 

By J.M

 

It took time

It wasn't easy

Many tried and failed

Some gave up hope it would EVER happen

We kept trying, to no avail

but finally....

 

We killed Osama Bin Laden.

 

So too....

It takes time

It's not easy

Sometimes we fail

We feel like were are hopeless

Some give up that it will EVER happen

We keep trying, to no avail

but TOGETHER we WILL

 

Kill our Yetzer Harah

 

Let today mark the start of a new era in the battle against terror

And in each Jew's battle against their yetzer...

 

When things seem hopeless remember...

We are kadosh... We CAN do it!

 

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The 'Nachas Ruach' Treatment Model

Excerpt 16

 

    Nachas Ruach: Torah-Based Psychotherapy and Tools for Growth and Healing

The book can be purchased online via this link

 

Torah Perspectives on the Twelve Steps 

 

"Six Additional Torah Concepts to Supplement the Twelve Steps"   

 

Tuesday ~ 29 Nissan, 5771 ~ May 3, 2011
 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Today's Phone Conferences

View All Conferences Here 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

Join the 'Shmiras Einayim' Phone Conference
Tonight at 7:15 PM EST.

 

Dial in number: 712-432-0900

Participant PIN: 424479

 

If you missed the previous calls, you can download recordings here:

Day 1  /  Day 2 

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

Join the "Daily Wind Down" Group Tonight 

Connect with Hashem at the end of a hectic day - together with Yosef C. (who is sober for close to 7 years in SA).  

 

Four times a week at 10 PM: Sunday, Tuesday, Thursday and Motzai Shabbos.

   

Dial-In Number: 1-712-429-0690

Participant PIN: 225356

 

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Category: Member's Chizuk 

 

Powerless Over the Waves, But Not Over the Ship

 

By Yosef C. (from the phone conference above)

 

When a large tanker is sailing fast through the ocean, it causes a strong current of water which also follows it's direction: quickly, and powerfully. Turning the ship around however, takes massive energy to first make the turn, and then, to go AGAINST the flow that the ship itself caused.

But...

Just like the ship DOES soon gain momentum in the opposite direction, so too will we, with G-d and friends. A network of friends sincerely reaching for kedusha with full honesty together, is  the most powerful engine there is.

And just like the ship can easily plow through the old 'opposing waves', it itself caused,  so too do our 'old waves of insanity' not only don't  slow us down, but even motivate us to 'hit the gas' even more on our engine: with even MORE prayer, MORE positive thinking, MORE acts of love to those around us, MORE positive and productive connections, MORE honesty, and just MORE of everything good and Holy.

We control the ship (not the waves), happily; as Yidden, Hashem's beloved nation.

  

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Category: Torah, Hashkafa 

 

Three Steps of Tikkun 

 

A letter addressed to a teenager who asks for advice on how to stop watching movies on his cell-phone. The advice here can be applied to our struggle as well:

 

"According to the Ba'al Shem Tov, every process of tikun (repair, rectification) that we undergo must follow through three stages: submission (hachna'ah), separation (havdalah) and sweetening (hamtakah). 

In your case, the first stage is to quit "cold turkey" by submitting your will to Hashem's will and immersing yourself in Torah study.

Once you have begun that, the stage of havdalah begins. You need to clarify for yourself what it is that you are lacking spiritually that makes you find those films fulfilling on a physical/emotional level. This stage is best accomplished by talking things over with a mashpia (a mentor) or a close friend or relative.

The stage of sweetening appears when, as a result of your avoda (serving Hashem) the spiritual need that you were erroneously trying to satisfy by watching films, is satisfied by the level of spirituality that your Divine soul was searching for all the time and you no longer feel at all drawn to be duped by the pseudo-satisfaction that you find in those films.

(The ideas brought here are explained in detail in the book "Transforming Darkness into Light" by Rabbi Yitzchak Ginsburgh, shlit"a)"

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  

 

The 'Nachas Ruach' Treatment Model 

Excerpt 17 

 

    Nachas Ruach: Torah-Based Psychotherapy and Tools for Growth and Healing

The book can be purchased online via this link

 

Torah Perspectives on the Twelve Steps 

 

"Six Additional Torah Concepts to Supplement the 12 Steps"   

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  

 

Daily Dose of Dov

Dov is sober in SA for 14 years. See his story here.

 

A 'G-d Help' Program

 

I think we desperately need to quit our preoccupation with lust and thinking about our 'addiction patterns' and stop seeing our 'triggers' everywhere.

 

When we use the steps, we are not trying to 'kill our addiction with analysis', but rather to get ourselves and our over-sized brains out of His way, for a change.

This is not a self-help program, but a G-d-help program. G-d is the solution, not us and ever more of our 'wonderful' thinking that got us in this mess in the first place. As I love to quote Chuck C from AA, "We can't think ourselves into right-living. We can only live ourselves into right-thinking." 

Mainly, we need to shut up and flap our wings in the right direction, not think our way out of our addiction!

Wednesday ~ 30 Nissan, 5771 ~ May 4, 2011
Rosh Chodesh Iyar
 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Today's Phone Conferences:

Click here to view all conferences 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

   

Join the 'Shmiras Einayim' Phone Conference   Tonight at 7:15 PM EST.

 

Important:

Next week Mon-Thurs, the time is changing to 8:00 PM due to popular demand.

 

Dial in number: 712-432-0900

Participant PIN: 424479

 

If you missed the previous calls, you can download recordings here:

Day 1  /  Day 2  /  Day 3

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  

 

Category: Attitude, Hashkafa 

 

I'm Built of Miracles!  

 

Yosef C. who is sober for almost 7 years, shared this with me today: 

 

I was walking in the street today and something SO momentous hit me today! Really! Something so earth-shakingly big I felt blessed to realize it! I'm not sure if anyone else has been enlightened to this, but this news is BIG TIME and I wanna share this secret with friends. It's powerful stuff that is worth thinking about. So here's what I realized..

You ready?

Women aren't going away.

That's right,

they're here to stay.   

Pretty ones. Short ones. Tall ones.. All of'em.
Every day, all my life, they'll be here.

And...

They we're put here by a kind creator, who has purpose for them too...

But then,...   

Something else hit me pretty hard..   

Something even MORE AWESOME!!!...

I'M A YID!

That's right!

ICH BIN A YID! DER EIBISHTER'S A KIND!

YES! ME PERSONALLY! I'M THE FIRST BORN, MOST UNIMAGINABLY PRECIOUS GEM, TO THE HOLY CREATOR OF THE UNIVERSE!!!

EVRYONE(!) sees how the face of a child looks like the parents.

I RESEMBLE HASHEM!! HE'S IN ME!

I'm living proof right here and now of an eternal promise to an eternal people.

From as far back as Avraham...

YES ME!!!.... I'M THE LINK IN THE CHAIN!!!

Wow! Yes me! I'm that one!   

My soul, and the souls of all my people are ..
Forever.

YES! THIS IS TRUE!!!
I'M BUILT(!) Of miracles...
They're in my genes!

Should I be so attached to the negative, selfish and purely physical parts of the world and people around me!?!?!?

Who taught me that!?!?

That's not me!!

The two just don't go together AT ALL!

The very fiber of my being contains direct access to the greatest infinite spirit of strength, hope, and real miracles the world has ever known.

NO JOKE!!!

When I close my eyes with sincerity, nothing has stopped me from connecting to the POWER of our Holy ancestry.... NOTHING!

There are passions in the world you say???  SO WHAT! I'm a yid!

I ALSO have passions. I LUST for a happy family, a good world, and I slowly see MY (G-D's) passions being fulfilled!   

I know you want the same...

The world looks EXCITING... Right?  OOOOOHH. AAHHHH..

SO WHAT!

Such a holy being as me; part of a nation of which HASHEM HIMSELF(!) says of us that "We are testimony that He exists" (we are ALL walking revelations of divine MAJESTY) could really have a long lasting, true connection with....... GASHMIUS!?!?!

WHAT?!?!

It can't be; it'll never be. It's scientifically, metaphysically and just plain rationally IMPOSSIBLE.

A parent raises a child. ALL of us here are a "ben olam haboh"! It doesn't mean we will 'get there'...

It means Olam Haboh, (YES TIMELESS HEAVEN ITSELF), is 'raising' us...

RIGHT NOW! Nurturing us... Tending to us..

Fire doesn't bend down to enter the waters of the 'mayim rabim'!

It's diametrically the polar opposite! They have zero relevance, one to the other.

Fire (and the fire of my soul) inherently reaches UP!

My body does indeed burn sometimes, but compared to the endlessness and sanctity of the accomplishing soul, it's felt even LESS than an ambulance passing in the very far distance in the night... 

 

(Much of this was based upon ch's 29-35 in Tanya, and just simple yiddishe life experience of sobriety in a very busy city, with B"H a growing, happy, not wealthy family).

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  

 

The 'Nachas Ruach' Treatment Model 

Excerpt 18

 

    Nachas Ruach: Torah-Based Psychotherapy and Tools for Growth and Healing

The book can be purchased online via this link

 

Torah Perspectives on the Twelve Steps 

 

"Six Additional Torah Concepts to Supplement the 12 Steps"   

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  

 

Daily Dose of Dov

Dov is sober in SA for 14 years. See his story here.

 

Get Free Through Surrender 

 

'Hanging on' just for today while doing nothing to learn tools to get free of lust is nothing but a bastardization and poor usage of the old adage, 'One Day at a Time". Spare me of that fate, please. I want to surrender lust one day at a time, not hold my breath and pretend I am overcoming it.
 

There is a beautiful line in the White Book in a short intro piece titled, "The Problem", and it goes like this: "the only way we knew to be free of it was to do it." I have always found it very profound and also helpful when I have a desire.  

 

When I get a stupid idea like "Yep, following her or getting a better look at that would really help me out" and it doesn't just go-away after I say no (which proves to me that my body really believes that it is good for me, in fact, that my body innocently and honestly believes that I need it; exactly like I am convinced - by my stomach - that I need food when I am starving),  I ask Hashem to help me remember that there will always be yet another stupid lust image/fantasy/pretty lust object out there later, so 'getting over' my current desire by 'doing it' will not do me any good, at all - the exact same feeling that 'I must have this' will return. Nothing will have changed at all. 

Thursday ~ 1 Iyar, 5771 ~ May 5, 2011
Rosh Chodesh Iyar
 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Today's Phone Conferences:

Click here to view all conferences 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

   

Join the 'Shmiras Einayim' Phone Conference  

Tonight at 7:15 PM EST.

 

Important:

Next week Mon-Thurs, the time is changing to 8:30 PM due to popular demand. (Sunday remains at 6:30 PM) 

 

Dial in number: 712-432-0900

Participant PIN: 424479

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

Join the "Daily Wind Down" Group Tonight 

"Connect with Hashem at the end of a hectic day"  

Together with Yosef C. (who is sober for close to 7 years in SA).  

 

Four times a week at 10 PM: Sunday, Tuesday, Thursday and Motzai Shabbos.

   

Dial-In Number: 1-712-429-0690

Participant PIN: 225356

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  

 

Category: Audio Links

 

How to Relate to Our Past Aveiros

From Rabbi Avigdor Miller 

 

Click the title to download this insightful 5-minute clip is from a Shiur by Rav Avigdor Miller, ZT"L (#643: In the Wilderness of Sinai). In response to a question, Rav Miller explains that, when we do Teshuva, we should feel repulsed by our past Aveiros.  Often, however, a person may stop doing a particular sin, but still feels nostalgic every time he thinks about it.  Such a person is missing the element of Charata (regret) in his Teshuva [and, we may add, is more likely to fall back into his previous ways].

 

This clip is being shared with permission from the copyright holder.  The entire Shiur, and close to 2,000 other Shiurim, can be ordered by contacting Rabbi Yehuda Brog at 718-258-7400 or RMTapes@projecttransformer.com.

   

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Category: Testimonials

 

True Living

 

By "Zemiros Shabbos"

 

The past year has been different than most of the years of my life until now. Greater awareness, hope, a shared struggle, a glimpse of some truly precious neshomos who populate GYE, a feeling of belonging to a group of truly good people, an entirely new perspective on relating to the RBS"O. With much deep gratitude to Hashem Who has bestowed His kindness on me and has kept and protected me for the past year and drawn me along His path to grow and live in a truer way, part of that being keeping a distance from lust, both online and off. 

Please Hashem, continue to shower me with kindness and protection and guide me and lead me along the path of growth and true living.

Being clean in practical terms sometimes means only that the options and factors needed for a fall just weren't in place, and while that is precious and good, it is not the final solution we seek. What we seek is a change of attitude, coupled with a change of habits/behaviors. Inner change takes time, and time takes time... and effort... and perseverance. I pray that I never think I am done / fixed / all-better, but rather that I continuously grow and move up, becoming a better person, a true yid and to build a real relationship with Hashem.

   

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  

 

The 'Nachas Ruach' Treatment Model 

 

Excerpt 19

 

    Nachas Ruach: Torah-Based Psychotherapy and Tools for Growth and Healing

The book can be purchased online via this link

 

Torah Perspectives on the Twelve Steps 

 

"Six Additional Torah Concepts to Supplement the 12 Steps"   

  

Concept 2 

 

Friday ~ 2 Iyar, 5771 ~ May 6, 2011
Erev Shabbos Parshas Emor
 

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Category: Testimonial

 

TaPHSiC Works!

 

An e-mail we got from someone on the forum:

 

I just want to let you know that I have been making a Double Fence TaPhSiC shevua for the last few weeks but I never came close to even needing it all that time and I wondered if maybe it was a shevuah levatolo.

 

Until last Thursday night, when I had a major slip and realized at 1:30 AM on Friday morning that my shevua had expired 30 minutes ago. I quickly made another shevua for another week and went to sleep clean. That Friday night I was feeling very aroused with a mind full of lust and ripe for a full fall, but the thought of having to do the "knas" I set for myself was enough to keep me clean.

 

So I am going to continue with my TaPhSiC shevuos without doubting that they really are necessary.

 

Tizke lemitzvos!

 

Click here for an explanation of the  

Double-Fence TaPHSiC Method. 

   

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Category: Inspirational Video Link

 

Here's something powerful to think about and reflect on, in respect to our struggles:

 

 

 

Three Things I Learned While My Plane Crashed

 

 For those who (hopefully) can't view youtube videos, click the link at the bottom.

   

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  

 

The 'Nachas Ruach' Treatment Model

 

Excerpt 20

 

    Nachas Ruach: Torah-Based Psychotherapy and Tools for Growth and Healing

The book can be purchased online via this link

 

Torah Perspectives on the Twelve Steps 

 

"Six Additional Torah Concepts to Supplement the 12 Steps"   

  

Concept 2: Part 2 

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  

 

Daily Dose of Dov

Dov is sober in SA for 14 years. See his story here.

 

Sunday ~ 4 Iyar, 5771 ~ May 8, 2011
 

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Special Announcement

 

Next week, May 15^th, there will be a high-end dinner in upstate New York on behalf of the 'Guard Your Eyes' organization, be"H. The renowned author and addiction expert Rabbi / Dr. Avraham Twerski will be speaking, and someone will tell over their own personal story about how they were helped by GYE. I will also be saying a few words, along with the other speakers.

 

We are looking for partners to help us take our work to the next level so we can reach out and help tens of thousands of Jews around the world in both the areas of "Treatment" and "Prevention". Seats at the dinner are being sold beginning at $1000 a seat, and we will also be selling part of the zechusim (merits) for the many features of our network, such as the daily chizuk e-mails that go out to thousands of members, the handbooks, the new web-development, the phone conferences, etc... as well as translating and adapting our materials and services in Yiddish for the Chassidish world, and in Hebrew for Israel.

 

If you, or someone you know, might be interested in joining this historic evening, please send us an e-mail for more details.

   

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Category: Torah Thought

 

The Source of All Beauty & Pleasure   

 

Tonight's Seffirah is Yesod She'Bitiferes. How can we use the Middah of Tifferes when it comes to tikkun ha'Yesod?:

 

The Holy Sefer, Noam Elimelech from Rav Elimelech of Lizensk writes that Yaakov Avinu's attribute was that of Tiferes, meaning "Awesome Beauty". This implies that Yaakov Avinu had the ability to be awestruck by G-dly beauty in all he saw. For example, the Noam Elimelech continues, "When a person eats a tasty food, he should say to himself, "if this food is so good in taste, is it not obvious that all the good and pleasantness is to be found in the Creator--may his name be blessed--without any limit or boundary!"..."and this is the secret of the Pasuk "and Yaakov kissed Rachel".

 

How uplifting and beautiful it is to try to apply this midah of Yaakov Avinu to ourselves. Whenever we see something that turns our hearts to sexual desire, we need to tell ourselves, "If this woman is so beautiful and I desire her so much, how much more beautiful it must be to connect with G-d, who is the infinite source of all beauty, pleasantness and pleasure!"

   

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The 'Nachas Ruach' Treatment Model 

Excerpt 21

 

    Nachas Ruach: Torah-Based Psychotherapy and Tools for Growth and Healing

The book can be purchased online via this link

 

Torah Perspectives on the Twelve Steps 

 

"Six Additional Torah Concepts to Supplement the 12 Steps"   

  

Concept 2: Part 3 

 

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Daily Dose of Dov

Dov is sober in SA for 14 years. See his story here.

 

We Give Them Power In Our Heads

 

Someone asks Dov:

 

What exactly should be going through my mind when I see a pretty girl? Just a half hour ago, I was in the store, buying challahs for shabbos, and the married woman behind the counter was making my life very difficult! I hope I wasn't too rude, I just basically avoided eye contact. Is that the appropriate eventual end result?? There has to be a way of easing back into normal life - the girls aren't going away, despite my work on my self-improvement...

 

Dov Responds:

 

Yes, we need to avoid looking with lust at all costs. It makes us meshugah, as you know. But the real solution for people with our problem is actually treating these people like what they are: real people. Not potential trouble (lust) objects.

 

We do that by using their actual  names (if we already know what they are) when we daven for them, by polite eye contact and saying hello, thanks, and good-bye, and in general, by plugging-in to their humanity and then letting go of them. We need to be able to walk past these people - when we cannot, it is because we are struck by their power... excuse me? Power? Yup, that is what they have because we give it to them in our heads.

 

That is where I am going with all this. I regularly daven for these cash-register people, say "hi" in a normal (not hyper, flirty, or attention-getting way), and walk away from them when our interaction is over. She is a cashier right now. A real person trying to get by and support her child by ringing up squash and Kool-aide from 7-3:30 every day. G-d bless her and her family.

 

That may seem like a wacked out way to associate with people, but for me, it leads me to normal living.

Monday ~ 5 Iyar, 5771 ~ May 9, 2011
 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  

 

Special Announcement

 

Next week, May 15^th, there will be a high-end dinner in upstate New York on behalf of the 'Guard Your Eyes' organization, be"H. The renowned author and addiction expert Rabbi / Dr. Avraham Twerski will be speaking, and someone will tell over their own personal story about how they were helped by GYE. I will also be saying a few words, along with the other speakers.

 

We are looking for partners to help us take our work to the next level so we can reach out and help tens of thousands of Jews around the world in both the areas of "Treatment" and "Prevention". Seats at the dinner are being sold beginning at $1000 a seat, and we will also be selling part of the zechusim (merits) for the many features of our network, such as the daily chizuk e-mails that go out to thousands of members, the handbooks, the new web-development, the phone conferences, etc... as well as translating and adapting our materials and services in Yiddish for the Chassidish world, and in Hebrew for Israel.

 

If you, or someone you know, might be interested in joining this historic evening, please send us an e-mail for more details.

   

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Category: Torah, Hashkafa, Attitude

 

We Are Hashem's Spiritual Athletes

 

Some beautiful and inspiring musings from Yosef C. in SA

 

Seforim bring that 'avoda' has the same root as a term in shas: '(oros) avudim' - tanned skins. The tanning/pounding process involved to make skins of an animal kosher for tefilin or mezuza and sifrey kodesh.

Are you aware of what is done to these skins to make them kosher for use?

Look up the halochos.

Stretching, pulling, beating, even (in olden days) soaking them in dog cr*p!

Just ask any sofer. This is the process our Torah calls 'ibud'. With the same root letters as avoda (ayin, beis, dalet)!

The internal work a yid goes through in his wondrous process of avoda is connected to this experience called 'ibud'.  It sometimes (not all the time) feels like we are being beaten, stretched, pulled, and we just feel like cr*p! Period.

It almost seems a pity that the seduction of 'normal American society' has enticed even G-d's holy nation to believe in an 'easy going' life style'. Even the goyim know, "easy come, easy go"!

'Working hard' (b'simcha) is who we are, essentially and unavoidably. And best of all; it's for our benefit! Hard work, in taking good actions or davening longer or letting go of a ta'ava doesn't have to be a depressing process; we have friends to share with, cry with, scream with, and best of all, rejoice with! We are not alone. And the victory, when we come through it (we always will, if we are sincere in our efforts) is more delicious than any ta'ava could ever claim to be: to be unshakably close with the infinite!?! Noting compares! This is long term, real life happiness! It wont 'glitter' and shine all the time, but isn't it obvious already how secular 'shiny' culture is essentially 'gold plated drek'!?.... Go ahead! Keep a secular style for a while! You'll look great! ... And soon wonder where the smell is coming from...

Ask any athlete who worked hard and tasted sweet victory. How much infinitely more so us(!), Hashem's spiritual athletes!

Best of all, we have more than any Olympic athlete could ever dream of: Toras Emes GUARANTEES(!): "If someone says, 'I have worked hard and I have not been successful, don't believe him'. If someone says, 'I have not worked hard and I have been successful,' don't believe him. If someone says, 'I have worked hard, and I have been successful,' believe him!!!" (Megilla, 6b)...

In other words, a Jew being unsuccessful after trying hard is not reality from G-d's point of view. It doesn't exist (don't confuse success with money. Plenty(!) Of Jews are not wealthy by any means, and have great shalom bayis, healthy children, are loved by the community, and are happy with 'sipuk hanefesh'). Hashem sees us Jews as hard working, accomplished, healthy and happy with our lot.

He says clearly in His Torah, straight to us:  

"Easy?", "I don't believe you".  

"Not successful?", "still I don't believe you". "

"Hard working AND successful!?!", "YES! Now I believe you!"

Our compassionate Father's words, directly and lovingly spoken to each and every one of us, one on one.

You have a wondrous success story of your own... Hashem is on your side, always,

With simcha, Go make it happen :-)

 

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The 'Nachas Ruach' Treatment Model 

Excerpt 22

 

    Nachas Ruach: Torah-Based Psychotherapy and Tools for Growth and Healing

The book can be purchased online via this link

 

Torah Perspectives on the Twelve Steps 

 

"Six Additional Torah Concepts to Supplement the 12 Steps"   

  

Concept 2: Part 4