Monday ~ 2 Tamuz, 5771 ~ July 4, 2011 

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Category: Torah  Thoughts 

 

What causes Hashem to Leave?

 

A member of the GYE community was very inspired after hearing a speech that attributed much of Klal Yisrael's Tzaros to breaches in Tzniyus and Kedusha, and which urged everyone to work on improving in these areas (chizuk e-mail #1049). He sent the speech to a family member, who posed the following question: There are 613 Mitzvos. Who are we to say that breaches of Tzniyus/Kedusha are what is causing all the Tzaros in Klal Yisrael? How are we to know the ways of Hashem with such certainty? 

 

The GYE member responded as follows:

This is more than just guesswork. The Torah sometimes tells us specifically that certain Aveiros produce certain results. In such cases, there is nothing wrong with assuming that the Torah means precisely what it says. Unlike most other Aveiros, Arayos is called a Tumah, which means that it separates us from the Ribbono Shel Olam (on that point, please listen to this speech by Rav Aharon Feldman - from 3:05-4:02). When we're, R"L, separated from the RBS"O, we don't have His protection. That means that, lo aleinu, we're more susceptible to illness and to other terrible Tzaros. See also Devarim 23, 15, which makes this precise point: that if Ervah can be seen among us, Hashem will turn away from us. Thus, the speaker did not say anything that is not firmly grounded in the Torah. Listen also to this 20 second audio clip from Rav Yosef Viener, Rav of Kehillas Shaar Shamayim, Monsey.

 

Does this mean that every Tzara in Klal Yisrael is caused by breaches in Tzniyus and Kedusha? There's no need to go that far. But, it's clear that an Aveira that drives away the Shechinah can rightfully be blamed for much of the Tzaros of our People. (On a Kabbalistic level as well, Kedusha from Arayos, including a man's "personal holiness," is called Yesod, because it is the foundation of a person's spirituality. If a building's foundation is weak, it can collapse, even if the rest of the structure is strong. Accordingly, Tzniyus/Kedusha is not just one of the 613 Mitzvos, but is the foundation of the entire Torah).

 

This is not to say that other Mitzvos are unimportant, but that observance of Mitzvos related to Kedusha and Tzniyus are essential to keeping the Shechina in our midst, which will, b'Ezras Hashem, protect Klal Yisrael from all types of Tzaros.

 

This discussion should be a Zechus for Shalom Daniel ben Leah, B'soch She'ar Cholei Yisrael.

 

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The Mask in the Mirror

Excerpt 10

 

Here's an excerpt from an e-Book written by Elya K. called "The Mask in the Mirror". Elya is a U.S. Hotline Moderator, Sponsor and Group Leader for GYE for already 3 years. To purchase the e-Book from Elya for $3 click here.  

 

GOING TO ANY LENGTH (WILLINGNESS)

Part 1   

 

Dear Fellow Jew,

 

You now have an allergy to porn.  If you had a peanut allergy and you knew if you ate another peanut you would die, would you eat another peanut?

 

I know people who have killed themselves over this disease, been put in jail, and contracted all types of horrible diseases.  This is a progressive disease.  Once the images are no longer exciting enough, people go on to more dangerous; thrill seeking activities like participating with live people instead of simply looking.   If you don't stop now, you're headed for hell on earth.  

 

(One addict once wrote on the forum: "I almost died twice (maybe three times) while actively on the way to acting out. I have fallen totally asleep at the wheel due to late night 'cruising', completely lost control of my car on a wet road while on the way to acting out, and have found myself in the company of a person who was probably trying to kill me.")

 

Marriage will not solve this.  So many singles I speak to tell me they thought it would get better and they wouldn't need it anymore, but they only got worse.

 

You asked me for strong words.  If you're asking for advice, THROW AWAY THE IPOD or erase it and give it to someone else.  I know it is hard.  I knew a fellow who looked at X-rated movies for over 30 years. The day he stopped, he called me on the phone crying like a baby.  He told me the people on the screen were his "friends" and he couldn't leave them.  IS THAT CRAZY OR WHAT? But he was still in his addiction and couldn't think straight. Today he's sober for 3 years, thank G-d. 

 

If you want Hashem to help you and only HE can you must become a pure vessel which can accept HIS help.  If you're stuck in the mud, HE won't pull you out; you have to make the effort.  Throwing it out NOW is the effort, then your mind will clear up, you'll get back to your learning and Hashem will help you. 

 

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Daily Dose of Dov

Dov is sober in SA for 14 years. See his story here.

  

Give it Away to Get it Back  

 

The Gemara in Brachos brings a contradiction between two p'sukim: one says everything is Hashem's, the other says the earth is given to mankind. Nu? 

As you probably know, it answers: It all belongs to Hashem - until we make a b'racha. Once we say a b'racha, it is given to us. "v'ho'oretz nosan livnei odom" - it is ours!

I ask you: What was said in that b'racha that gave all this stuff to us? What is the power of the bracha that makes the switch?

It seems to me that all we say in a brocha is this: It's Yours, not mine. You made this fruit - Konei Shomayim vo'oretz - You made it, so it belongs to you.

That is why the brocha gives it to us. We remember that it is His, not ours. So we 'get' it. Do we ever really get it? Of course not. We are His, the food we eat is His, etc. But that is the way things work: if we give it away, we get it - as much as a person can ever get anything in this world...to use it on loan.

That is why the program suggests we need to give up to 'win'; lead with our weaknesses to stay 'strong'; and 'let go' to get free. And I believe it is one meaning (closest to the Chofetz Chayim's p'shat in it) of the Chazal, "ein divrei Torah miskaymin ella b'mi sh'meimis es atzmo aleyhem" - the only way to get Hashem and succeed in His Torah is to totally let go of our grasp on ourselves - our pride, fears, resentments...all that baggage we hold onto so tightly.   

Tuesday ~ 3 Tamuz, 5771 ~ July 5, 2011 

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Category: 12-Step Attitude  

 

Gratitude is a State of Being

 

Click here for a beautiful page about "Gratitude"

(that Duvid Chaim shared with his group recently).

 

An "Attitude of Gratitude" is one of the fundamental strategies for maintaining sobriety for the long-term, and it is one of the secrets of the success of the 12-Step program.

 

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Category: Testimonials, Torah Thoughts

 

Which pleasure do you choose?

 

By "Blind Beggar"

 

This is the second time in my life that I have gone 100 days without HZ"L.

 

The first time was before I came to GYE, when I read a sefer, "Veha'er Einaeinu" by Rabbi Yosef Goldschmit of Kiryat Sefer. The main point of his sefer is based on something that Rav Chaim Friedlander zatzal wrote.     

 

Rabbi Chaim Freidlander zatzal wrote a great eitza for guarding our eyes. (Look in Sifsei Chaim on Moados, Chelek Alef in the section Derech Shel Aliya.)

He says that if we give ourselves the choice of either enjoying the pleasure of looking at women or not giving ourselves the pleasure, we are in for a struggle: Enjoy or don't enjoy? A plate of ice cream or an empty plate? Instead, what we have to do is realize the positive benefits of guarding our eyes, the tremendous zechus and kedusha that we can gain from shmiras eynayim. If we do that, now we have a choice between one pleasure and another pleasure, between a plate of delicious treife ice cream which will eventually make us sick, or a geshmake seudas Shabbos with our families. That is a much easier choice to make.

 

I posted this in a special thread in the forum's Beis Medrash, and I encourage others to buy the sefer and join me in posting highlights in this thread.

 

Notes:

 

The sefer "Vhaer Eineinu" is distributed by some friends of the mechaber. In N.J call: 732-363-8033. In Brooklyn, call: 718-252-7480.

 

Our daily Shmiras Ainayim phone conference makes extensive use of the sefer "Vhaer Eineinu". Join the daily Shmiras Ainayim Phone Conference at 4:45, Mon-Thurs. Call in: (209) 647-1000, Participant PIN: 616701

 

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The Mask in the Mirror

Excerpt 11

 

Here's an excerpt from an e-Book written by Elya K. called "The Mask in the Mirror". Elya is a U.S. Hotline Moderator, Sponsor and Group Leader for GYE for already 3 years. To purchase the e-Book from Elya for $3 click here.  

 

GOING TO ANY LENGTH (WILLINGNESS)

Part 2    

 

"I'm so frum; I can't go to 12-Step meetings in a church....."

 

I know frum people who have been going to meetings in churches for over 10 years. They are still frum, and the people at the meetings actually respect them more as a frum Jew for wearing a kippa than when they don't wear a kippa. Rabbi Abraham Twersky, M.D.  says you can - and should - attend even in a church. Rav Shmuel Kaminetsky also paskens that one may join 12-Step meetings in a church, as long as it isn't in the main sanctuary. 

 

Let me get this straight, it's OK to be seen going into a strip club or XXX video store or masturbating at your computer, but now when you want to get better you can't go into a church?  The meetings will literally save your life.  It's pikuach nefesh.   It's also your "inner addict" speaking, telling you that you're too frum to go into a meeting.  The meetings are not in the sanctuary of the church, they're usually in a side classroom.

 

Twice a year there is a convention of frum Jews and their wives.  They all have this problem.  All of them go to SA meetings.  They all once said the same thing you did.  "I could never show my face in such a place."  These people COULD show their faces in strip joints, xxx video stores and in the arms of strange women, but when it came to getting better, they were just too frum to go to a meeting that would save their life! Now they realize the fallacy of that thinking. Today many of them have 3-4-10-20 years of sobriety from this disease because of meetings and having someone who understands to talk to.  It's that simple.

 

Hashem put you in this situation because that is your nisoyon (test) to overcome.  HE never gives us a challenge we cannot overcome.  But the more you continue acting-out, the further away from G-d you get and the further away from YOURSELF you get.  See, when we sin, we are really sinning against ourselves. 

 

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Daily Dose of Dov

Dov is sober in SA for 14 years. See his story here.

  

Working the Steps  

 

Is listening in and even participating in 12-step groups called 'working the steps'? I think not. A good mussar schmooze, maybe. A chizzuk, maybe.

If you water a field full of weeds very well...you'll get a ton of weeds! There needs to be a thorough and repetitive weeding process if you want the 'water' to help good stuff grow. And you need to plant the right kind of seeds, too.

Meetings and reading help plant the right seeds, maybe they do a bit of weeding, too. But the main cleaning process is done by working the steps. And that can't be done by just going to a meeting, on the phone, in person, or whatever. 

Until an addict actually writes his step-work and shares it with other addicts who are ahead of him in the steps (and sober) and starts to use them in his real life, he is like a person who wants desperately to learn how to drive. He reads the books about driving and watches a movie about driving. Then he gets into a car and figures he'll drive to his aunt in NY.... He will probably die....and he certainly won't get to NY.

The steps are the same. Working them cannot be done in the sincere imagination. Additionally, we can't take a break from real life 'to work them', either. They are only worked inside our real life with all its problems, worries, pains, and joys.

If you are an addict and anything like me, you probably do not need yet another really great mussar schmooze. You probably need some small changes, over time. Some patient, humble, real live work.

By all means do the phone groups, join the meetings. But I say, don't expect any change until you start to actually work the steps and stick with it for a while...and stay sober. Sobriety makes the steps actually work. 

Wednesday ~ 4 Tamuz, 5771 ~ July 6, 2011 

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Let's Paint the Town Red!

 

"wannabehappy" posted on the forum:

 

I just want to share with everyone some statistics.

After Yeshiva World offered us a great deal (based on this letter that Rabbi Twerski wrote to Jewish websites), I pledged $225 a month to run the current GYE ad on www.theyeshivaworld.com indefinitely.

Guard thanked me and sent me the following screenshot.

 

I was blown away! We are getting over 150 hits a day just from that one ad alone. That comes out to over 10 hits for less than a dollar!

 

Who knows how many lives are being saved for every dollar?

I'd like to see this happen on more sites.

All we need is a budget of about $1000 dollars/month to really cover all the major Jewish websites. (GYE is sending Rabbi Twerski's letter to the websites to try and get the best deals we can - you can help with this too!)

Can anybody match my $225/month? Let's paint the town red!  

Or maybe we can get 8 holy members to donate $100 a month?

 

I know I feel tremendous gratitude towards this site, and I feel that giving to it reinforces in my mind how important it is to me to get rid of this sickness. I'm sure everyone here agrees!

 

You can PM me on the forum or write to Guard, or you can work out a deal with the site of your choice directly. 

And remember, every dollar you pledge is over 10 hits!

Tizku lemitzvot!

 

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Category: Personal Victories, Member's Chizuk 

 

My Chaver, Tatte & Coach 

 

A share from Yosef C. who is sober in SA for nearly 7 years 

 

When I am faced with a big test, I see it as a personal smile from G-d Himself telling me face to face with love, "I KNOW you have a yetzer hara, and I also know that YOU, YES YOU and ONLY YOU, can overcome it. This is something that all of heaven and any angel doesn't have the ability to do!"

I rejoice inside at such a close relationship with Hashem. A smile appears then, as I see my children next to me in my mind, and they view me caring for them, as I simultaneously see (for real) Hashem caring for me. I, as well as them, am 'alive' as a yid!

Hashem as a 'chaver/Tatte/coach smiles back to me as if saying.... "We're making a great life full of energy together! You've got plenty of teammates and a coach/Tatte who loves you and knows what a star player you are! Let's win this game! I'm taking full care of you, all the time!"

And when I feel this, I REALLY have to prove I want to be good...   Hashem just doesn't let up wanting to get love from me :)

 

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The Mask in the Mirror

Excerpt 12

 

Here's an excerpt from an e-Book written by Elya K. called "The Mask in the Mirror". Elya is a U.S. Hotline Moderator, Sponsor and Group Leader for GYE for already 3 years. To purchase the e-Book from Elya for $3 click here.  

 

True Happiness     

 

True happiness comes when we become givers not takers, when we give of ourselves to help others, INCLUDING OUR WIVES. Linking happiness to fulfilling every life pleasure is more like bondage to self.  The pleasure doesn't last.  Take 'vacation' for example.  You have a great time exhausting yourself on vacation looking at museums, beaches, grave sites, etc.  When you get home though, it is just another memory.  True happiness is spiritual happiness knowing you've helped someone overcome depression, sadness, addiction, anxiety, etc., knowing you've made a difference in the world and in someone's life. Yes, happiness is limiting yourself and your ego to help others.  PERIOD.

 

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Daily Dose of Dov

Dov is sober in SA for 14 years. See his story here.

  

My Business vs. His Business   

 

I haven't the luxury of being concerned at all with the afterlife, as I certainly never got sober because of yiras Shomayim, and - though the weight of guilt was devastating - it didn't hold a candle to my insanity. Though I certainly believe in consequences for aveiros, the fear of future pain of this world or of the next - never helped me quit. In my opinion, that is one of the things that shows me that I have a mental illness. It's plum crazy to risk a nice job, a marriage, my integrity, my relationships with my children, and my Olam Haba for a temporary adventure that always makes me thoroughly miserable.

While I may have hesitated or even desisted from doing a few lust-related aveiros a few dozen times over those terrible years - that has nothing at all to do with my sobriety. Acting out only 10% of the times I want to is still going to eventually ruin my life - totally. Eventually there will be nothing left...except for that lovely s'char for resisting 90% of the time.... Woopee. 

That is not avodas Hashem, as far as I am concerned.

And sobriety certainly has nothing to do with willpower, for when it comes to lust I have none. Although I am sober over 14 years, I have not gotten any stronger. It was a freebie from Hashem; it is a freebie, and - if I remain sober tomorrow - it will be a freebie. I do not deserve to be sober. 

So if He gives me no s'char at all for desisting from acting out for 60 years or so by the time I die, I will have no complaints.  For it wasn't mine, at all. Besides being a good man, a decent father and husband, and an eved Hashem, I am a recovering pervert, as my wife and many friends in SA know, and I hope to die a recovering pervert. And that is just the way I like it. 

What madreigah I am considered to be on by my Best Eternal Friend, whether I am looking forward to s'char, or onesh, and all other considerations that I am powerless over are out of my lexicon, thank-G-d. That's all His business now, and forever, not mine. All that stuff is just too confusing and self-absorbing for me and never did me a shred of good in the first place. It is all poison for me. Poison, poison, poison. And I sincerely believe that He wants me to ignore the 'accounting' part of my situation completely and leave it to Him, especially with respect to my lust. 

What is my business, is what I do with the sober life that He gives me today, and whether I treasure it.

Thursday ~ 5 Tamuz, 5771 ~ July 7, 2011 

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Category: Practical Tips  

 

Shifting the Desire  

 

Jack, who is sober for 3 years on GYE, shares:  

 

I have a NEW trick. It doesn't work ALL the time, but at least it's something. Triggers make us want to do something, right? So, every time I'm triggered, I gently shift the desire from lust to learning a Mishna from the Mishnayos that lies on my desk. For that moment, it works. And once we're off the track of desire, it's help it to stay off.

 

B"H I feel so much more connected to THE source of ALL Happiness than before. My learning has tripled in both quantity and quality.

 

We responded:

 

This is a great idea, Jack, because after a while, the Yetzer Hara will leave you alone. After all, he doesn't want you learning Mishnayos each time he bothers you! :-)

 

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The Mask in the Mirror

Excerpt 13

 

Here's an excerpt from an e-Book written by Elya K. called "The Mask in the Mirror". Elya is a U.S. Hotline Moderator, Sponsor and Group Leader for GYE for already 3 years. To purchase the e-Book from Elya for $3 click here.  

  

Dear Fellow Jew,  

 

Thank you for having the courage to write and finally enter recovery.  The first step is admitting you are powerless over this and cannot stop. You have an addiction - a disease (dis-ease) of connection to G-d, other people and yourself; to fill up a hole in your soul which yearns to be filled up.  Now you're filling it up with other women, getting depressed but doing it all over again.  It's a cycle.  Act Out, Feel Bad, Act Out so you won't feel bad, and on and on.  

 

This is a progressive disease.  A person looks at porn and swears he'll never go past that, then ends up in strip joints and massage parlors, then prostitution, adultery, etc.   These consequences can be deadly; disease, infecting your wife, even suicide or death. That's why it's vital you get help.  There is help and hope.   

• You can start with the anonymous phone meetings on http://GuardYourEyes.org
• Or join a live 12 step group for lust addiction - SA (or Sex & Love Addiction - SLAA). 
• You may need to go away to treatment if this continues, and it's worth it.
• Go to the book store or shop online and get a copy of "Out of the Shadows" by Patrick Carnes.
• Call the GYE hotline any evening or on weekends. 

To recover, you must figure out what is causing you to do all of these dangerous things.  Do you do them because you're angry, lonely, resentful, scared? These are things you should begin thinking about.  Think about your past and what prompted you to look at porn in the first place. What feelings are you trying to escape from?  Internet porn is so insidious that you can get addicted just because you looked for a few minutes.

 

To get better, you must stop acting out BECAUSE you cannot think clearly and rationally while you're in such a state.  So take it slow, and thank Hashem each day for keeping you sober today.  Don't worry about tomorrow, just today.  Say, today I'm not going to do this anymore.  The next time you have the urge (and you will) call the hotline, a sponsor or friend in the program and talk it out.  Any time of the day or night.

 

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Daily Dose of Dov

Dov is sober in SA for 14 years. See his story here.

  

Hashem As Superman?  

 

The problem with a 'superhero' view of Hashem was first shown to me by Rav Noach Weinberg, Rosh Yeshiva of Aish Hatorah:

 

Rav Noach zt"l told the story of a bike rider who visited Aish once and heard a talk about what yeshiva is about: getting a relationship with G-d. He confronted Rav Noach and told him that if that is all yeshiva is about, then he, of all people, does not need yeshiva! For he already knows G-d exists and that He is all-powerful. He then described a neis that occurred for him once while biking - a real outlandish miracle that saved his life from a long fall. He had no doubts about G-d's total supernatural power, now...

Rav Noach's response to him was this: "If G-d is that powerful, then why did He allow you to fall off the cliff in the first place? Is G-d like 'Superman' who, shocked to see a horrible accident about to occur, desperately 'rushes' in to 'save the day'? That's just plain ridiculous if He is all-powerful, no? So....Why did he make you fall in the first place? It seems the Almighty really wanted your attention! He must want you to go to yeshiva to learn how to know Him!" 

 

Rav Noach knew how to 'go in for the kill', indeed.

The frum yid who sees a progressive, destructive, and insane addiction to lust as simply "a battle with the YH" may be relegating Hashem's role in the struggle to that of Superman: "Hashem has no plan here, I mean, it's bad, no? He is 'crying' when he sees me looking at porn, no? He'll do anything, just to not have me do that zera levatola!" - He just happens upon the poor yid and sees the guy is in a pickle, so He 'saves' him from the masturbation if the yid is 'good' enough/tries 'hard' enough... Gevald.

 

If I am really powerless, then I need Chessed, not s'char - I cannot 'deserve ' His help! That is why it is called, "Chessed". True, I need to be open to it, otherwise I'll throw it back every time...but it sure isn't based on my chastity!

....what about the cycle, the mental illness, the twisting of all my relationships and yiddishkeit into a knot with my lusting?! Nu. "You gotta believe" (hey, I'm a Mets-fan!). In other words, being that I am an addict, there is just no way that I could ever try hard enough - if there were, then I'd have quit years ago! So I need a gift. And I have to be ready to take it and keep it a gift.

To me, the other way - that if 'I only really try hard enough, I'll do it on my own' - is what the Torah calls "im tailchu imi keri"....(pun intended). It is taking G-d right out of the picture - and parroting the words, "I am doing it with Your help!", and it is just plain worthless.
 
Deeper: It's not about how the poor yid perceives the lust problem, or lust - it's about his entire perspective on his relationship with Hashem. To me, it is a childish understanding of G-d. But worse, it is the very understanding of Hashem that we used  in order to fertilize our addictive thinking during our teenage years when our problem (and often, our yiddishkeit) was developing! Thoughts like "He will definitely take revenge on me; I'll daven extra hard to escape the bad influence of my acting out; I'll be extra good to make up for it; I'll punish myself enough - so that He won't need to; and I am a hopeless rasha - human garbage," infected our developing yiddishkeit - and they do not go away easily. They became coping mechanisms for our acting out, itself. Pretty shocking, if you ask me.

All those dead ends made us miserable and desperate for the wrong things, like G-d's 'Favor'...kind of like a purely religious or philosophical struggle. It's really a cop-out, for all we really want is to escape paying any real price for our craziness. We do not absolutely need to stop till there is a real price to pay. 'Gehinnom' just doesn't cut it.

At their very best, these ways of thinking kept us, instead of Hashem, at the center of our lives and avodah. They caused us to need lust even more, because they made it possible to keep on going without paying any real price - whenever necessary, we just punished ourselves mercilessly with the whip of guilt... 

Our castrated way of using yiddishkeit made it impotent as a sobriety tool, because it was part of the cycle! It was part of the problem, not the solution.

The Alter of Slabodka (I think) said that we need to change to the point that we spit out our "mothers' milk" - meaning, the old, childish ways we understood Torah - and relate in a mature way to everything we ever learned.

For me, this is a kiyum of his idea, and we need S"D to do it right.

Sunday ~ 8 Tamuz, 5771 ~ July 10, 2011 

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Category: Audio Links

 

Download Here 

a recording of Rabbi Shais Taub on Duvid Chaim's call last week

(Right Click the link and choose "Save Target/Link" As)

 

As Torah Yidden, we have over the years often struggled with understanding where and how the 12 Steps are rooted in Torah Hashkafah and can be found specifically in Chazal. Rabbi Shais Taub has masterfully woven such ideas in his book, "G-d of Our Understanding", which can be purchased at this link.

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Announcing:  

 

YideoTube.com 

 

We all recognize those feelings of boredom, apathy and lethargy that often lead to browsing places we shouldn't, and which often leads to falls... B"H most guys on GYE have blocked YouTube with their filters, but where do we go when those feelings start to set in and we're looking for some entertainment in a Kosher way?

 

Good news. Yideotube is now hosting independent of Youtube!

 

Since 2009, YideoTube is providing a collection of quality screened entertaining videos for the Jewish community.  On their website of yideotube.com, visitors enjoy browsing videos of interest by the categories desired such as a religious service, education, or comedy.YideoTube thrives in bringing together the best videos available on the World Wide Web into one place.  To this point, YideoTube offers a collection of more than 10,000 videos with daily additions of new releases for over 20,000 daily-visitors.   

 

Some background: A few months ago we sent an e-mail to yideotube as follows:

 

Hi. I am the founder of guardyoureyes.org.

 

   

 

 

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The Mask in the Mirror

Excerpt 14

 

Here's an excerpt from an e-Book written by Elya K. called "The Mask in the Mirror". Elya is a U.S. Hotline Moderator, Sponsor and Group Leader for GYE for already 3 years. To purchase the e-Book from Elya for $3 click here.  

  

Dear Bochur,  

 

What we resist persists. When we overwhelm ourselves and tell ourselves we have to be clean for 90 days, it gives the pressure a lot of power. And if we're also addicted to failure, it's a sure sign we will act out. Instead, admit you are powerless over this addiction. By accepting reality, you will take the wind out of the sails of the addiction and be able to stay clean.

 

I recently received a private email from a 17 year old living at home. He had put hundreds of dollars on his parent's credit card talking on sex phone lines.   He was overseas at the time and when he got home his parents asked him about it.  He told them he knew nothing about it.

 

He wrote asking me if he should continue to lie or tell his parents the truth.  I told him that life was short and if he truly wanted to get into Shidduchim and start his life off right, he couldn't live a lie the rest of his life.  I told him exactly what to say to his parents - to tell them the truth.  He wrote me and said he told his parents and they were very happy he did.  If you Chas V'Sholom had a serious illness would you hide it from your parents?

 

This disease can kill us if we let it go too far. Make sure your parents put filters on the computers. If your parents have the password and you don't, they can use the internet unfiltered and you'll have it filtered. 

 

It's as simple as that.  All you have to say is you don't want the opportunity of pushing the wrong button and seeing those sites so you'd like their help.

 

What if you went out of town and didn't take your computer. Do you think you'd live through it?  People have lived for thousands of years without computers.I understand if you earn your livelihood on a computer, but if you don't there is really no excuse to spend every free minute for the rest of your life looking at a screen. Stay way from the computer if you don't need it. This is what it means... "going to any length to get and stay sober".

 

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Daily Dose of Dov

Dov is sober in SA for 14 years. See his story here.

  

When the Wife Feels Betrayed

 

Someone's wife found out about his addiction, she was upset about being betrayed and won't forgive him, and they are at an impasse. Dov writes to this man:

 

To heck with your addiction. 

This relationship issue that vexes you was, is, and needs to stay (for you) all about learning how to give your wife what it is that she lusts after - what she really wants from you. One day at a time. Asking her what she would like in a relationship with you just for today - instead of trying to 'fix' the past. Don't waste your time - she isn't interested in forgiving you, and she doesn't feel she needs to. For doing that would make her too vulnerable! 

Taking actions of love without expecting anything from her or the relationship in return - instead of trying to convince her (that's expecting her to forgive). Thinking about and davening for her each day - that is the derech. Taking the actions of love instead of trying to 'make' something. Just do. 

Do for the next month and see what the relationship produces, That is way beyond either of you to give. Do it for the next six months and you will discover a marriage liberated from the past, even though both of you are - and may individually still be - prisoners.

Don't do it for you, and don't do it for her. Do it for the marriage. There is a b'riyah that is neither of you, only both of you. It is the 'bosor echad' called "the marriage". It is choking now, and being ignored. "Divide and conquer!" is the motto of your disease, when it comes to marriage. 

Just do it. Do it and let Hashem take your lives where He Wills it to go. Don't hold any expectations besides that He will do a far, far better job that either of you have done till now. 

Will it work for you? Take it slow, buddy. We are all in the same big boat, in this challenge.

Monday ~ 9 Tamuz, 5771 ~ July 11, 2011 

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Announcement   

 

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Category: Sayings  

 

Quotes from Rav Avigdor Miller

 

How does suffering improve a person?

 

"There's an endless well of greatness in mankind, only it slumbers within him. Vicissitudes are like salt that sweetens man.  Undergoing difficulties in life stirs this  greatness to the surface."

 

What is your job here?

 

"We are put into this world for a purpose, and it's summed up by the Mesilas Yesharim: "laavod v'laamol v'laamod b'nisayon"--to work and to toil and to withstand ordeals."

 

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Subscribe to the "Simcha Minute by Rabbi Miller" from SimchasHachaim.com by clicking here.

 

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Category: Personal Victories

 

Powerful Example of the TaPHSiC Method   

 

"CholentFresser" shared on the forum how the 'double-fence TaPHSiC method' works for him:

 

I made a commitment that if I wanted to look at shmutz online I would first do one of 4 things, (1) talk through how I'm feeling with my wife, (2) go for a 30 min run or exercise, or (3) learn Torah for 30 min, or (4) read about the holocaust for 30 min. Then I made a shvuah that if I did anyone of these 4 actions before looking, then I would only have to give $75 to Tzedakah. But if I did not do any of these 4 actions but just went right ahead and looked, I would have to give $750 to Tzedaka. I am unemployed now (so a lot of time on my hands), and so taking a $750 hit is just not possible for me right now. When the Yetzer Hara gets us in the moment, he makes us forget all consequences. With this method, it's just much harder to forget the consequences. B"H I haven't looked at any shmutz online since I made this commitment. It helps me a lot and I hope it can help you too.

 

Click here to download a PDF detailing and explaining the TaPHSiC method.

(Right-Click link and choose "Save Target/Link As") 

 

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The Mask in the Mirror

Excerpt 15

 

Here's an excerpt from an e-Book written by Elya K. called "The Mask in the Mirror". Elya is a U.S. Hotline Moderator, Sponsor and Group Leader for GYE for already 3 years. To purchase the e-Book from Elya for $3 click here.  

 

POEMS AND LETTERS

 

Goodbye to Addiction   

 

You protected me from conflict
You soothed my shattered self,
You were my friend when I was lonely,
And when boredom came to rest.

You were my friend when lovers refused me,
You always pleased me,
At first I blamed you on pure curiosity,
Then you got the better of me.
I couldn't get enough of you,
Now I'm getting rid of you!

Goodbye addiction, you meant so much to me,
When I escaped into my fantasy world to escape my fears and insecurities.
Being anonymous made me feel powerful, sly and invisible,
But deep inside, you ended up making me feel miserable.

I latched on to you to pass the time,
When I started new projects or just out of town,
I longed to connect to my fantasies and dreams,
And you always obliged by creating the scene.

Even in success you enveloped my life,
How could I be successful, it just didn't feel right.
With you at my side, I could feel powerful and in charge,
An excuse to procrastinate, to escape my wounded scars.

Now, as I think of all the time I've wasted,
All the real hopes and dreams that could and should have been,
I realize now that in a way you are a blessing in disguise,
Because in my desire to get rid of you,
I've come to appreciate my true self,
And to know that Hashem is really in charge,
And all I have to do is give HIM the power to destroy you.

 

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Daily Dose of Dov

Dov is sober in SA for 14 years. See his story here.

  

Chizkiyahu Hamelech Went to Sleep 

 

Someone asks Dov:

 

The Whitebook seems to imply that we have no control over ANY of our defects. One of the main points of our purpose in this world, as I see it, is to struggle through life working on our defects. Are they saying that this is not the case?

  

Dov Responds:

 

No, I agree with you - I do not accept that we are powerless over all our defects, and no, even Bill W himself would have told you, "No, you do not have to accept any of these things - take what you find actually works and you are welcome to leave the rest!" As it says at the end of AA: "This book is meant to be suggestive only". As far as the beginning of ch. 5 where it says we need to "let go absolutely", and "these are the steps we took" - is about recovery work in a general sense - we need to be totally serious about it, otherwise it will not work at all. It is not apparent to me that any of the steps say we are powerless over every aspect of ourselves. In fact, every single guy I have ever heard share in meetings that he is "powerless over everything" - is no longer sober! So I do not believe that is the Program's message.

Recovery is about responsibility. There is something for me to do, rather than laying back and letting this addiction kill me. No! I will get help and do the work! "These are the steps we took..."  And if G-d wills me to get better, then I will get better!" That, to me, is the basic message of the 12 steps.

Teshuvah is certainly guided by Hashem. He is the "Yoreh chato'im baderech". I believe that Hashem has a special way of guiding special people into the teshuvah they need - I put my Teshuvah in His hands as much as I put my life in His hands. In fact, exactly as much. The moment I take matters into my own hands, I will probably start trying to manufacture 'oso isha, oso makom', etc....gevalt. 

You know the medrash about the kings that Rav Dessler explains. Two were Dovid haMelech and Chizkiyah. I can't remember the others. Dovid haMelech could actually go into battle and swing his sword and guide his troops - and still know it was Hashem doing it all. The others could only watch the battle or daven in the palace, otherwise the increased participation would drive Hashem's role right out of the battle, in their hearts - it would seem to them that it was they who were beating the enemy. 

Chizkiyahu was lower. He could not even daven, lest he take a part in the battle in his heart and 'push Hashem out', in his heart. So he elected to go to sleep! Bye Sancheriv!

I see an addict's place like Chizkiyahu haMelech's. Now, c'mon...normal people do hishtadlus all the time and it's not a aveiro! What's chizkiyahu so hung up on? I see addicts as needing to put Hashem in that role specifically in the arena of their sobriety and recovery. Because we need to admit that all along when we were using our addiction, we were really taking G-d's place, weren't we?

We were saying, "my life isn't going the way it should. Hashem, You obviously do not really know what You are doing, so I'll do what needs to be done in order to pleasure myself! I need to manipulate others to treat me the way I want. I need, I need, I need. Life should be going this way, that way, etc."

Recovery is not a time for more of that. Now it is time that, of all people, we self-pleasurers need to step back. We have lost the right that normal people have of being 'Hashem's co-pilot' - especially in our response to our addiction. It is a luxury we have abused too often. It is poisonous now. 

The silver lining is that in recovery, the certain path to gaining luxuries - is by giving them up. In Tzedaka, what you give away is what you keep. Same in recovery. When we give up on demanding sex from our wives, they relax and start to be OK with sex. When we let go and stop trying to stop ourselves from thinking about lust, we actually begin to be free of it. When we relax and let go of all outcomes - stop trying to control our lives 'so that it all goes right' and instead start to learn how to depend on Hashem for a change, our lives actually get better and better.

"He who runs from kavod - kavod will chase him!" Same idea. But he needs to really surrender - as the Chofetz Chayim pointed out, he cannot be turning around to make sure that kavod is really chasing him! 

Tuesday ~ 10 Tamuz, 5771 ~ July 12, 2011 

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Category: Anecdotes 

 

The Cab Ride

   

The root of our spiritual illness is "self-centeredness". Living 'outwardly-focused' has tremendous benefits to us and those around us, often beyond what we can imagine. Click the link above for a beautiful true story that brings out this point.

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Category: Audio Links > Songs

 

Rabbi Nachman's Niggun

   

The addiction is wants to rob us of inner-peace and serenity. When feeling weak, play this beautiful song, close your eyes and breath deeply in and out.... (According to Breslov tradition, this niggun is said to be the niggun that is played in Shamayim when they accompany Tzadikim to Gan-Eden).

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Category: 12-Step Attitude

 

Complete Deflation

 

Shared by Peter (Pesach) in SA

 

I'd like to take a moment to share with you an idea about the first step which I feel is not expressed often enough in recovery.    

 

The original first step of the Oxford group was known as "complete deflation". The Big Book speaks over and over again that the beginning of this journey is the realization that we are completely defeated (on a physical plane), complete hopelessness and zero power in our lives.     

 

I think this is one of the ironies of the program and perhaps confusing to many people because it is not expressed - the fact that in order to commit to this program we MUST have a desire/willingness to stop, but then the first step is realizing at depth that the 'desire to stop' is absolutely useless... In other words, the baffling nature of this disease is the utter inability to leave it alone no matter the desire or necessity. Even the strongest desire to stop is of absolutely no avail, the addict has no mental defense against the first drink. Instead, his defense must come from a Higher Power.  

 

Bottom Line: Instead of channeling our desire to stop into 'leaving it alone', we need instead to channel it towards a desire to seek God/spiritual life, because only HE can remove the obsession to act out.

 

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The Mask in the Mirror

Excerpt 16

 

Here's an excerpt from an e-Book written by Elya K. called "The Mask in the Mirror". Elya is a U.S. Hotline Moderator, Sponsor and Group Leader for GYE for already 3 years. To purchase the e-Book from Elya for $3 click here.  

 

LETTER FROM ADDICTION 

 

I've come to visit once again. I love to see you suffer mentally physically spiritually and socially. I want to have you restless so you can never relax. I want you jumpy and nervous and anxious. I want to make you agitated and irritable so everything and everybody makes you uncomfortable. I want you to be depressed and confused so that you can't think clearly or positively. I want to make you hate everything and everybody-especially yourself. I want you to feel guilty and remorseful for the things you have done in the past that you'll never be able to let go. I want to make you angry and hateful toward the world for the way it is and the way you are. I want you to feel sorry for yourself and blame everything but your addiction for the way things are. I want you to be deceitful and untrustworthy, and to manipulate and con as many people as possible. I want to make you fearful and paranoid for no reason at all and I want you to wake up during all hours of the night screaming for me. You know you can't sleep without me; I'm even in your dreams.

 

I want to be the first thing you wake up to every morning and the last thing you touch before you black out. I would rather kill you, but I'll be happy enough if I can put you back in the hospital, another institution or jail. But you know that I'll still be waiting for you when you come out. I love to watch you slowly going insane. I love to see all the physical damage that I'm causing you. I can't help but sneer and chuckle when you shiver and shake, when you freeze and sweat at the same time, when you wake up with your sheets and blankets soaking wet.

 

It's amazing how much destruction I can do to your internal organs while at the same time, work on your brain, destroying it bit by bit. I deeply appreciate how much you sacrifice for me.

 

The countless good jobs you have sacrificed for me. All the fine friends that you deeply cared for-you gave them up for me. And what's more, for the ones you turned against yourself because of your inexcusable actions-I am more than grateful.

 

And especially your loved ones, your family, and the most important people in the world to you. You even threw them away for me. I cannot express in words, the gratitude I have for the loyalty you have for me. You sacrificed all these beautiful things in your life just to devote yourself completely to me. But do not despair my friend, for on me you can always depend. For after you have lost all these things, you can still depend on me to take even more. You can depend on me to keep you in living hell, to keep your mind, body and soul. FOR I WILL NOT BE SATISFIED UNTIL YOU ARE DEAD, MY FRIEND.

 

Faithfully yours,
 

Your addiction

 

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Daily Dose of Dov

Dov is sober in SA for 14 years. See his story here.

  

The Double Edged Sword of the Disease   

 

To someone who was clean for a while but doesn't understand why he is still so strongly pulled towards falling, Dov writes:

 

I beg of you to avoid the silliness of looking at staying sexually pure as an end in itself. Although it is playing with fire, stupid and deadly, do not fool yourself. Let's have a little humility here, folks. We are recovering perverts. In addiction, we naturally tend toward looking at women and schmutz and taking it all in hungrily, and using it with gusto. We are screwed up, in that respect. 

Bearing that in mind, I believe that being clean from porn or masturbation is a wonderful brocha that you do not deserve. Neither do I. 

Lechatchila I need to be careful to avoid any lusting at all, because I need to 'respect' my disease and take it dead seriously. But b'dieved, after a slip or fall, I wouldn't ask: "Ach, how can I do such foolish things!?" 

I'll tell you how we can do stupid stuff like that: We are addicts, and that's what addicts do! It's a double-edges sword, this disease-thing. It gives us the humility to be more careful without becoming kedoshim when we are granted success, and it gives us the humility to accept defeat when we screw up. 'Falling' is never the chiddush for you and me - sobriety is! Even for an addict who has been sober for twenty years or more!! 

And if that's just words, then I pity myself. I want you to know that if I am sober next year, I'll be a bit surprised....but when I remember Who is on my side, and how strong a gift He gave me with SA and Recovery, then I feel more at ease. But that's all a chiddush, not the failure - that's 'par' for the course, as far as I am concerned.

Of course, if you opt to join the "I have not acted out for a year now - so I am obviously (mostly) healed and no longer an 'addict' like I used to be" - chevra...well, then none of this will be yours.

What do you want? The stuff behind curtain #1, or curtain #2?

Go easy on yourself. It's amazing that you (and us) were brought this far, reb yid.

Wednesday ~ 11 Tamuz, 5771 ~ July 13, 2011

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May Our Hisorerus Be Li'Lui Nishmaso 

 

 

Hitting Bottom While Still on Top

 

We are all shaken up by the terrible tragedy in NY. How could someone who looked and acted so normal stoop to such a horrendous crime?

 

Steve from the morning 12-Step phone conference wrote:

 

"We spent some time on our call today speaking about the tragedy in Brooklyn, and trying to find messages that we on the call need to get from it. One veteran was using it to show how far down we could fall if we don't get help from our addiction."  

 

I sent Steve the following articles, to bring-home the point even stronger:  

 

A famous serial killer, Ted Bundy, blames addiction to inappropriate material on his actions:

 

In the Dobson interview before his execution, Bundy said that violent inappropriate material played a major role in his immoral crimes. According to Bundy, as a young boy he found outside the home again, in the local grocery store, in a local drug store, the inappropriate material... And from time to time he would come across even more inappropriate books.... Bundy said, "It happened in stages, gradually. My experience with inappropriate material generally, but particularly with inappropriate material that deals with violent immorality, is that once you become addicted to it, and I look at this as a kind of addiction, you look for more potent, more explicit, more graphic kinds of material. Like an addiction, you keep craving something which is harder and gives you a greater sense of excitement, until you reach the point where the pornography only goes so far - that jumping off point where you begin to think maybe actually doing it will give you that which is just beyond reading about it and looking at it.

 

And this is what Arthur Gary Bishop, another serial killer that killed five boys and was sentenced to death, wrote after his conviction:

 

Inappropriate material was a determining factor in my downfall. Certain bookstores offered graphic and explicit inappropriate materials. I purchased such books and used them to enhance my acting out fantasies... Finding and procuring lust materials became an obsession. For me, seeing inappropriate materials was lighting a fuse on a stick of dynamite. I became obsessed with immoral relationships.  I became stimulated and had to gratify my urges.  My conscience was desensitized and my appetite for lust entirely controlled my actions.

 

Steve wrote back:

 

"I feel very uncomfortable with the notion that all porn/lust addicts will become serial killers if they do not stop their "progressive disease" in it's tracks. There is a difference between being a sexaholic and a psychopath, and one doesn't necessarily lead to the other.

 

Then again, I remember hearing an interview with a recovered crack addict. He said that when he was overcome by his addiction "If you stood between me and my next hit, I WOULD kill you. No questions asked." But that is in the midst of a physical cycle of craving. Would we say that if left unchecked, my cycle of craving could lead me to such terrible things?"

 

Response to Steve: 

 

It is true that pedophilia and violence in sexual cases are often results of other "mental illnesses" that are not always directly related to lust addiction. Not all lust addicts will become pedophiles, and not all pedophiles got that way through lust addiction. However, fantasy is only a step away from action. And the more entrenched the addiction becomes, the closer the fantasy stage gets to the 'action stage'. Many sex and lust addicts have pedophilic fantasies. And the more they feed the addiction, the more the disease progresses, it demands more and more stimulation and the addict gets closer and closer to the "action" stage. And once a "terrible" action takes place, there is no telling where it can lead. As in the story in Brooklyn, it wasn't his addiction that killed the innocent child, it was his panicking that he'd be caught that led an otherwise "normal" person to commit such an horrific act of murder.

 

The Medrash says that someone who transgresses "eishes ish" transgresses on all of the Ten Commandments. The Medrash elaborates and explains how he transgresses each one of the dibros. When it comes to "Lo Tirtzach" the Medrash explains that an adulterer transgresses murder because in the midst of the act he is ready to kill or be killed, if caught.

 

Although these are extreme examples, one of the goals of GuardYourEyes is to help people "Hit bottom while still on top". We should not wait for the addiction to destroy our lives or other people's lives, c"v!

 

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This idea of hitting bottom while on top is discussed in beautiful clarity and detail in the 12 Steps and 12 Traditions:

 

In A.A.'s pioneering time, none but the most desperate cases could swallow and digest this unpalatable truth. Even these "last-gaspers" often had difficulty in realizing how hopeless they actually were. But a few did, and when these laid hold of A.A. principles with all the fervor with which the drowning seize life preservers, they almost invariably got well. That is why the first edition of the book "Alcoholics Anonymous," published when our membership was small, dealt with low-bottom cases only. Many less desperate alcoholics tried A.A., but did not succeed because they could not make the admission of hopelessness.

 

It is a tremendous satisfaction to record that in the following years this changed. Alcoholics who still had their health, their families, their jobs, and even two cars in the garage, began to recognize their alcoholism. As this trend grew, they were joined by young people who were scarcely more than potential alcoholics.  They were spared that last ten or fifteen years of literal hell the rest of us had gone through. Since Step One requires an admission that our lives have become unmanageable, how could people such as these take this Step?

 

It was obviously necessary to raise the bottom the rest of us had hit to the point where it would hit them. By going back in our own drinking histories, we could show that years before we realized it we were out of control, that our drinking even then was no mere habit, that it was indeed the beginning of a fatal progression. To the doubters we could say, "Perhaps you're not an alcoholic after all. Why don't you try some more controlled drinking, bearing in mind meanwhile what we have told you about alcoholism?" This attitude brought immediate and practical results. It was then discovered that when one alcoholic had planted in the mind of another the true nature of his malady, that person could never be the same again. Following every spree, he would say to himself, "Maybe those A.A.'s were right . . ." After a few such experiences, often years before the onset of extreme difficulties, he would return to us convinced. He had hit bottom as truly as any of us.

 
In light of the above, it is clear that anyone who sincerely wants to stop lusting and understands that they can't do it alone is a perfect candidate for serious recovery. As soon as we acknowledge in a deep way that we cannot succeed our our own, and we also understand where these behaviors will lead us, then we have hit bottom just as truly as any helpless addict.

 

So let us take our recovery deadly serious, and let nothing stand in our way of doing all we can to get better!

Wednesday ~ 12 Tamuz, 5771 ~ July 14, 2011 

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We received today a link to an article in the LA Times from Dr. Benzion Sorotzkin which he suggested would be very helpful to GYE readers.

Dr. Sorotzkin has a website and is the author of another fascinating article that can help GYE members called "The Psychological factors in sexual acting out".

 

Human behavior: To resist temptation, forget guilt or shame and think positive

 

The more we anticipate public humiliation and guilt, the worse we're likely to do when it comes to self-control. If we focus on the pride that comes from good behavior, we make better choices. By far.

By Deborah MacInnis

Anytime a VIP gets caught with his (or her) pants down - Arnold Schwarzenegger or Anthony Weiner, for example - you can almost hear the collective "huh?" around the nation's water coolers, on its Twitter feeds and shared over its backyard fences.

What in the heck were those guys thinking? Where were they when John Edwards, Eliot Spitzer, Bill Clinton and so many others crashed and burned? Why wasn't the very real risk of shame and humiliation enough to stop them cold?

More than 2,000 years ago Socrates asserted in Plato's "Phaedrus" that two horses contend for our souls - one, unruly, passionate and constantly pulling in the direction of pleasure, and the other restrained, dutiful, obedient and governed by a sense of shame. But a set of studies I conducted with two other researchers at the USC Marshall School of Business suggests that Socrates was wrong, at least about Horse No. 2. Humans may be pulled hard toward pleasure, but shame isn't the countervailing force that reins us in.

In fact, the more we anticipate wagging fingers, public pillory and guilt, the worse we're likely to do when it comes to self-control. If we focus on the pride that comes from good behavior, we make better choices. By far.

The proof is in the devil's food. In one of our studies, we put three groups of subjects alone in a room with a very large piece of chocolate cake, the utensils to devour it and water. We told them they could eat as much or as little cake as they wished. But first, the members of one group were instructed to focus on the pride they would feel if they resisted the cake. Those in the second group were told to imagine the shame they would feel if they ate it, and the final (control) group was simply let loose, with no instructions at all.

We discovered that the study subjects who anticipated pride at resisting the cake consumed far less than those who focused on the shame of succumbing. They also ate less than the control group. In other words, when it comes to self-regulation, anticipated pride outperformed anticipated shame as well as unconsidered, heedless consumption.

What would make anticipating pride so much better than anticipating shame in controlling temptation? One reason is that pride focuses attention on the self (not the cake) and on success rather than failure. Shame, on the other hand, emphasizes the opposite; it focuses attention on the object of desire and the act of succumbing, making resistance harder to pull off. Simply put, anticipating pride makes us feel good, and anticipating shame makes us feel bad.

We know from prior research that we're better able to resist temptation when we feel good, not bad. Our research also indicated that not all bad feelings are equal when it comes to undermining self-control. For example, when we asked subjects to anticipate guilt instead of shame, it made them eat more cake. Guilt, it turns out, carries a triple whammy: It concentrates thoughts on the temptation rather than on self-control; it makes you generally feel bad, weakening resistance; and it heightens the expected pleasure from being bad, which makes the temptation more tempting.

Can any of these results prevent another politician from a precipitous fall from grace? Maybe - if they work at it.

For starters, our studies suggest that heaping humiliation and punishment on the Anthony Weiners of the world may not so much prevent the next outbreak of idiocy as encourage it. Instead, we have to concentrate on cueing the good feelings that come from doing good.

For those who want to resist chocolate cake, it could mean pasting a picture of your slimmest self on the pantry door. For those of you who made wedding vows, it could mean fending off seduction by imagining your next anniversary with the woman or man to whom you promised everlasting fidelity.

My colleagues and I studied chocolate cake consumption as a matter of business. What we found could help groups like insurance companies or healthcare providers develop strategies to encourage self-control when it comes to smoking, drinking or getting the proper amount of exercise. But the lessons apply to anyone faced with temptation.

Remember that anticipated shame won't help, and anticipated guilt will only make it easier to succumb. Instead, think about the positive effects of doing the right thing. And you probably will.

Deborah MacInnis is the vice dean for research and strategy, and a professor of business administration and marketing at USC. Her coauthored studies on self-control and chocolate cake were published in the Journal of Consumer Psychology and Advances in Consumer Research.

  

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This article reminds me of the post we brought a few days ago from "Blind Beggar" where he wrote:

 

This is the second time in my life that I have gone 100 days without HZ"L. The first time was before I came to GYE, when I read a sefer, "Veha'er Einaeinu" by Rabbi Yosef Goldschmit of Kiryat Sefer. The main point of his sefer is based on something that Rav Chaim Friedlander zatzal wrote.     

 

Rabbi Chaim Freidlander zatzal wrote a great eitza for guarding our eyes. (Look in Sifsei Chaim on Moados, Chelek Alef in the section Derech Shel Aliya.)

He says that if we give ourselves the choice of either enjoying the pleasure of looking at women or not giving ourselves the pleasure, we are in for a struggle: Enjoy or don't enjoy? A plate of ice cream or an empty plate? Instead, what we have to do is realize the positive benefits of guarding our eyes, the tremendous zechus and kedusha that we can gain from shmiras eynayim. If we do that, now we have a choice between one pleasure and another pleasure, between a plate of delicious treife ice cream which will eventually make us sick, or spiritual and lasting pleasure. That is a much easier choice to make.

 

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The Mask in the Mirror

Excerpt 17

 

Here's an excerpt from an e-Book written by Elya K. called "The Mask in the Mirror". Elya is a U.S. Hotline Moderator, Sponsor and Group Leader for GYE for already 3 years. To purchase the e-Book from Elya for $3 click here.  

 

~ REFLECTIONS ~ 

 

Keep it simple.

 

First things first.

 

Do the next right thing.

 

If you don't know what to do, do nothing.

 

Take things one day at a time.

 

Don't give up.

 

The only way around is through.

 

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Daily Dose of Dov

Dov is sober in SA for 14 years. See his story here.

  

Chazak Mimenu  

 

Here's a personal understanding of a brocha that I concentrate on each and every ma'ariv:

ki fodoh Hashem es Yaakov, ug'alo miyad chozok mimenu - 

What's chozok mimenu? Well, my addiction is inexorable, cunning, baffling and powerful - certainly much stronger than I. And He redeems me from it every single day, so far.

Friday ~ 13 Tamuz, 5771 ~ July 15, 2011
Erev Shabbos Parshas Pinchas 

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GYE LAUNCHING:

"The Leiby Kedusha Initiative"

 

 

The fact that this horrific story happened between Parshas Balak - which ends with the story of the daughters of Mo'av, and Parshas Pinchas - which talks about the greatness of Pincha's zealously for Kedusha, and also the fact that this tragedy is most likely the outcome of a perversion in inyanei Kedusha, all this together is perhaps a message to Klal Yisrael that Hashem is demanding that we take stock of the low state of Kedusha in our community today.

 

We would like to launch an initiative in memory of Leiby Kletzky to try and help boost the kedusha in Klal Yisrael in 3 main areas.

 

1) Prevention and Treatment of Lust addiction

2) Child Molestation Prevention

3) Tznius in our communities

 

1) Prevention and Treatment of Lust addiction: All those of us on GYE are already part of this revolution in Klal Yisrael, trying to purify themselves against all odds. Thousands of Yidden are using the tools and support of our network to turn their lives around. How can you help?

 

(A) First and foremost, let us all purify ourselves more! It is brought down in many sefarim that every time a Jew lifts himself a bit higher, he makes "room" (so to speak) for the person on the level below him to move up as well... When we purify ourselves even a little bit more, we set off a chain reaction that leads even those on the very bottom of 50th shaar hatumah to be able to go up higher! Download or purchase a hard-copy of the recently updated GYE Handbook and learn all the tools to "Break Free" of these difficult temptations. 

 

(B) Put preventive measures in place for you and your family. Install solid filtering and reporting software in all your internet enabled devices. We can help! Contact our filter gabai for advice at filter.gye@gmail.com. Download the GYE Prevention Tips for Parents Handbook to learn the many things you can do to keep your home safe. 

 

(C) Help us spread the word about our work by either telling your friends, family or Rabbanim about us.     

 

(D) Please donate (on our new donation page) so we can advertise and expand our programs to meet the ever growing need.

 

2) Child Molestation Prevention: Unfortunately this is not a small issue in our communities today, and it is destroying the lives of many innocent souls. And even more tragically, those who are abused often go on to abuse others. This is a terrible disease, and here are a few ways we can help prevent it:

 

(A) Learning how to speak to our children about these dangers. For this, we can suggest a few things:

 

1. Listen to this important video talk by Rabbi Yaakov Horowitz - founder of Project YES, called Speaking To Your Kids About Personal Safety. 

 

2. Read this great article by Aish.com called "Preventing Child Molestation".

 

3. Download this PDF booklet called "Summer Safety - Sacred Lives" which all parents should read before sending their kids to camp. It can be downloaded here.

 

(C) Report anyone who has done such things to the authorities so he doesn't strike again and gets the help he needs. See this article, this article and this article for the Halachic P'sak that this is not considered "messirah". If you know someone in the NY community who needs to be stopped, Assemblyman Dov Hikind started an organization called "Shomrei Yaldeinu" and Dov Cohen (co3kids@aol.com) and Joe Lazar (jlazar@lazarCG.com) are in charge of it. Contact them for advice on how to proceed.

 

(C) Appropriate prevention and treatment of lust addiction (as GYE is doing)  can drastically cut down the number of these cases over time. It is clear that lust addiction can sometimes lead to these problems if it is not dealt with properly in earlier stages.    

 

3) Tznius in our communities: Women often don't realize what goes on in a man's head when he sees them walk or dressed a certain way. This includes tight-clothing, high-heels, long sheitels, etc... The problem is, that when men try to bring up this issue with the women, they usually brush it off and say that they just want to look good to feel good about themselves, and the men shouldn't be such "perverts" and learn to control their eyes and thoughts. That's why it's important to spread the following shiur around to as many women as you can. Let them hear it from a woman! This is a powerful talk given by a desperate mother whose son was diagnosed with an untreatable tumor. She took it upon herself to boost awareness in this area in the hope that this zechus will stand by her son. Please spread it around! (Warning, it's only for women to hear, since it may be a bit triggering for men where she discusses what kind of things are triggers).

 

Rabbosai, if we can undertake to help boost awareness and help in these 3 areas, or even in ONE of these 3 areas, we will be taking to heart the lesson that Hashem perhaps wants us to take from the horrible story last week, and the soul of Leiby will find peace and have an aliya through our hisorerus!

 

PLEASE PASS THIS E-MAIL ON TO ALL YOUR CONTACTS!  

 

LET'S MAKE A REVOLUTION - SO WE CAN ADD MEANING TO THIS SENSELESS TRAGEDY!  

 

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Sunday ~ 15 Tamuz, 5771 ~ July 17, 2011

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The Mask in the Mirror

Excerpt 18

 

Here's an excerpt from an e-Book written by Elya K. called "The Mask in the Mirror". Elya is a U.S. Hotline Moderator, Sponsor and Group Leader for GYE for already 3 years. To purchase the e-Book from Elya for $3 click here.  

 

Commitment  

 

Until one is committed there is hesitancy, the chance to draw back, always ineffectiveness.  Concerning all acts of initiative and creation, there is one elementary truth, the ignorance of which kills countless ideas and splendid plans.  The moment one definitely commits oneself; all sorts of things begin to happen that would never otherwise have occurred.  A whole stream of events issues from the committed decision, raising in one's favor all matter of incidents, meetings and material assistance, which no man could have dreamed would come his way.  Whatever you can do, or dream, you can begin.  Boldness has genius, power and magic on it.  Begin it now...   

- Goethe.

 

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Category: Torah Thoughts  

 

The Ohr Hachayim Hakadosh's Yartzeit

  

In honor of the Ohr Hachayim Hakadosh's Yartzeit today, we would like to bring some pieces from his Sefer that can help us in our struggle.

Only With Hashem's Power

There is a fundamental and elementary piece from the holy Ohr Hachayim in (Acharei Mos, 18:2) that gives a clear perspective on the powerful nature of these desires, and helps us understand how Hashem expects us to remain holy in spite of it being against human nature. He makes it clear that once a person falls into these sins, it is almost impossible to get out of them without special divine assistance. (This fits in very well with the 12-Step approach which calls sobriety a "miracle" and stipulates that only G-d can keep us sober, one day at a time.)

Click here to download a PDF translation of this important piece from the Ohr Hachaim. To see the original text in Hebrew, click here (the relevant parts are marked in yellow, and the VERY relevant parts in red).

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Disgusting in Our Eyes

 

The Medrash on this past week's Parsha says that Pinchas drove his spear straight through the genitals of Zimri and Kuzbi the Midyanite, as they were sinning together. Then, G-d gave Pinchas divine strength and he was able to lift both of their their dead bodies up out of the tent, while still on the spear, for all to see that they had been killed for their sins.

 

The Holy Ohr Hachaim Hakodesh writes that through doing this, Pinchas made the sin of illicit sexual relations look disgusting in the eyes of the Yidden and thereby caused a tremendous Kiddush Hashem.

 

On a similar note, the Ohr Hachayim writes as well in another place in the Parsha, that G-d commanded the Jews "Tzror es Hamidyanim Ve'hikesem Osam" - meaning, "Make the Midyanim hated in your eyes and destroy everything of theirs". So the Ohr Hachayim asks, why do we need to hate them and destroy everything, why not be able to benefit from the spoils of the enemy? And he answers that when it comes to immoral sexual conduct (that the Midyanites caused the Yidden to sin in), the only way for the Jews to receives G-d's forgiveness and atone properly would be if they turn their hearts to hate these sins, and destroy all that is related to it. For as long as the lust of the sins remain alive in a Jew's heart, he cannot properly atone for sins of a sexual nature. Instead, he must try to first arouse a disgust and hatred of these sins in his heart - and then he can achieve a true Teshuvah.

 

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The Ohr Hachayim Foresees GYE?

The Ohr Hachayim on Parshas Shmos (3:8) writes that before Moshiach's time the Jewish nation will be subjected to the 50th level of impurity. But he also writes, that by using the koach of the Torah, the Jewish people will garner the strength to enter into the very "mouth" of the 50th level of impurity and pull out that which the Satan had already swallowed ("le'hotzi boi'lo mi'piv").

And that is what the GuardYourEyes community is doing today! The Ohr Hachayim Hakadosh could not have used a more divinely inspired analogy! We are entering into the mouth of the Yetzer Hara himself and harnessing the very power of the anonymity and accessibility of the Satan's favorite tool - the internet, to pull out these sparks of Kedusha, these holy souls, that have fallen to the 50th level of impurity! 

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Don't Get Into a Discussion With The Snake

 

The Ohr Hachayim says regarding chava and the snake that the reason why she fell was because she allowed the snake to engage her in conversation. Once she got into the conversation, she started entertaining the idea of saying "yes" even though she had originally entered the conversation with the intent of saying "no". She said no, he said "yes", she said "no", he said "why not?"... So she started explaining why not, but by the time the conversation had finished she had fallen through. 

 

This is the derech of the Satan. When we entertain fantasies in our mind, he claims we are just "thinking about it for the sake of saying NO to it". But it's a lie. Because once he gets us fantasizing, we are already in his hands and it gets only harder to break away!

 

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The Power of NOW

"V'ata Yisroel mu Hashem Elokecha sho'el may'imuch.... ki im l'yirah, etc.... - And now, Yisrael, what does Hashem your G-d ask of you, but to fear him, etc..." and the Torah continues with a whole list of wonderful madreigos.

The Torah is emphasizing that we CAN reach all these wonderful madreigos, if we focus on one thing... V'ata - NOW; not what happened a second ago, nor a day ago, nor a year ago, and also not what WILL happen. Just the present. That is all Hashem asks of us, the ATA - the NOW.

Monday ~ 16 Tamuz, 5771 ~ July 18, 2011 

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Announcement

 

Top 5 Sites for Advertising GYE

 

Dear GYE community,

 

In preparation for the launch of our new website in the coming months, we're looking to start a major advertising campaign to spread the word about our work in the Jewish world. Right now we have banners on YeshivaWorld , Vosizneias and Arutz 7.

 

We want to hear from you what websites you think would be best for us to advertise on? Which Jewish websites would make the biggest impact and reach the most people who need help?

 

Please send us your "Top 5" suggestions.

 

Also, whoever can pitch in, please help us to sponsor advertising. You may be saving the life, marriage and future generations of every Yid who gets help because of your sponsored ad! You can make monthly recurring payments using credit cards on our new donation page over here.

 

Thank you and Tizke Lemitzvos!

 

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Category: Torah > Parshas Matos   

 

When it is a Mitzva to Make Shvuos  

   

Normally making vows is frowned upon by our sages as with someone playing with fire, but when it comes to girding oneself from sexual temptation, we find that making vows is praised by the Torah and by Chazal. The Ohr Hachayim (whose Yartzeit was yesterday) writes in this week's Parshas Matos (30:2): 

 

 

Rough Translation (in short): "The Pasuk is saying here that there are Nedarim and Shvuos that Hashem commanded us to make... such as in cases where one has apprehension about stumbling in the area of arayos... to counteract the strength of this desire ...as Chaza"l say about Bo'az, that he swore to guard himself from transgressing when Ruth came to him in the silo at night, as it says "Chai Hashem, Shichvi ad haboker - In the name of G-d, lay here until morning". And as the Pasuk says, "Nishbati Va'akayeima, lishmor Mishpatei Tzidkecha - I have vowed and will uphold it; to guard your righteous laws", for it is a Mitzva to make a Shvuah against one's evil inclination."

 

Also, the Mishna says in Pirkei Avos: "Nedarim siyag la'prishus - Nedarim are a fence for abstinence". And another Pasuk in Tehilim says "Nishba Lehora Velo Yamir - oseh eileh lo yimot le'olam - He who swears to prevent bad and does not nullify... he will never falter". So it is clear that there are cases when making Shvuos is actually a Mitzva that Hashem wants us to do!

 

However, as important and helpful as vows can be in fighting this powerful desire, they are also spiritually dangerous. The addiction is very often more powerful than vows. Therefore, it is vital that we learn how to make vows in a way that will work and be spiritually safe. Instead of fighting the addiction head-on through the vows, we can make vows that will help us "walk around" the addiction. Do not make a make vow that you simply will not act-out or look at inappropriate material. Many addicts have tried this and failed miserably, because when we are under a lust attack it is very hard for our yiras shamayim to stop us.

 

Download the TaPHSiC Method PDF file (6 pages) to learn this powerful "Shvuah" technique that has helped many frum addicts stop their destructive behaviors.  

 

You can also read the TaPHSiC Method online at this link. 

 

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The Mask in the Mirror

Excerpt 19

 

Here's an excerpt from an e-Book written by Elya K. called "The Mask in the Mirror". Elya is a U.S. Hotline Moderator, Sponsor and Group Leader for GYE for already 3 years. To purchase the e-Book from Elya for $3 click here.  

 

SIN AND ADDICTION

 

Everyone who overcomes a sin is a Baal Teshuva but Koheles (Ecclesiastes) said there is no man who has not sinned.

 

G-D knew this and that is why HE created Teshuva.  HE knew people would sin.  

 

You have an addiction - a disease of connection.  As long as you keep looking at porn and masturbating you will have no connection to Hashem or your wife.  When you honestly can say you want this connection then you are ready to make a decision.  Either continue to act out and eventually get worse, or get into a program where you can get some help and figure out what is causing you to want to jeopardize your life acting out every day. Here are some ideas:

 

 

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Daily Dose of Dov

Dov is sober in SA for 14 years. See his story here.

  

Are you willing to go to any lengths?    

 

Meetings, steps, making calls, and posting (for those still more terrified about saying the truth about themselves to another real person than almost anything else...) - all these things can bring us to inner rest/serenity - to admit the truth about ourselves and live accordingly - sanely. But it depends on how we use them.

Maybe none of this is for you at all. I do not know. But what worked for me was going to real meetings with real people because I knew I could not continue using my drug. If you (or anybody is) are not willing to go to any lengths to be truly rid of this garbage, then to me that means only one thing. You are not really ready to be rid of this garbage. 

If you agree with me, that I suggest strongly that you stop telling yourself and anyone else that you are ready to let go of it. It is still too precious and sweet to you. 

And I cannot blame you in the least, for it was too precious and sweet for me to give it up for 15 years even at the expense of my wife, children, Hashem, His Torah, my Olam haba, my integrity, and lots of other things. I cannot and will not blame you at all if you never give it up and keep using your drug even till you destroy everything in your life. I will not look down on you in any way, and will not even be surprised. In fact, I am surprised that I am sober today, for I do not deserve it, that's for sure.

 

Posting, sharing, and meetings are only tools. Tools that help me get honest with myself. In the end, that is all that matters. Self-honesty will bring me to G-d - or it won't - but in the end, I will be at rest knowing my own truth.   

Tuesday ~ 17 Tamuz, 5771 ~ July 19, 2011
SHIVA ASAR BI'TAMUZ 

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Category: Shiva Asar Bi'tamz    

 

Strengthening Our Walls

 

Today is the fast of the 17^th of Tammuz which commemorates the breaching of the walls of Jerusalem, leading to the subsequent fall of the Beis Hamikdash.

 

Let us all stop and ask ourselves: "What behaviors breach our walls and lead to subsequent falls?"

 

LET'S MAKE SURE OUR WALLS ARE STRONG!   

How?

 

Well the "TaPHSiC Method" is one way. Download the TaPHSiC Method PDF file (6 pages) to learn this powerful "Shvuah" technique that has helped many frum addicts stop their destructive behaviors.  You can also read the TaPHSiC Method online at this link. 

 

Let us also make sure we have strong filters and reporting software installed. If you have internet on your Blackberry, we can send you a program to delete the browser. If you have other types of cell phones, we can help you find a filter and/or reporting software. For computers, see this page for one good filter option, along with instructions on how to install it best - and give away the password to our "filter Gabai"... See this page for another 20 (or so) filter ideas and information... We also highly advise installing "Reporting Software" such as webchaver.org to give you some accountability, because filters alone are usually not sufficient and they can often be bypassed.

 

We all know what activities and sites bring us to slips and falls. Let's stop watching non-Jewish movies, let's delete our access to Facebook, Youtube, GoogleVideo, etc..  any site that is a stumbling block for us: Let there be no breaches in our walls!

 

Now that we don't have the Beis Hamikdash, Hashem looks for the Korbon Tamid every day in different places... Those who give up these activities and websites are considered in Shamayim as bringing Korbonos in the Beis Hamikdash!

 

And in the zechus of strengthening our own personal walls, may we merit to see the rebuilding of the Beis Hamikdash speedily in our days.

 

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Join "Helpfyi" on the forum in this thread to make a special effort at guarding our eyes during the 3 weeks! 

 

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Category: Torah > 3 Weeks 

  

The Power of the 3 Weeks 

 

The Zohar (in Chelek Beis, pg 78b) writes that Yakov Avinu took the months of Nissan and Iyar for himself (hence Yetziyas Mitzrayim, Kabbalas Hatorah), and Eisav took the months of Tamuz and Av for himself (and hence, the 17th of Tamuz and Tisha Be'av), but only the first 9 days of Av belong to him. 

It says in the Mishna that they stopped gathering wood for the Mizbe'ach from the 15th of Av and on, because the strength of the sun finally breaks at that point, and the wood for the Mizbe'ach must be gathered only while the sun is at its strongest. (Once the sun is no longer as strong, the wood can be slightly damp inside and it won't burn as well.)

The Jewish people are compared to the moon, which renews itself each month. When Moshiach comes, the moon will be as bright as the sun. Esav chose this world over the next world, and the ruler of the heavens in this world is the sun. When the sun is the strongest, the koach of Esav is the strongest. But only until Moshiach comes...

The Beis Ahron of Karlin at the end of Parshas Pinchas brings a Medrash that says that the months of Tamuz, Av and Elul have no Regalim in them. That is why Hashem gave us three Regalim in the month of Tishrei, as if to "pay us back". The Beis Ahron writes that the 3 weeks are a very high time. These 3 weeks symbolize the 3 upper worlds (Ga"r or Gimmle Rishonos; Keser, chachma and Bina), and according to Kabbala, these three worlds are above time and space. That is why, says the Beis Ahron, the 3 weeks are a time when Hashem is so "hidden". Not because it is a "dark" time, but rather because the world cannot be "Sovel" (tolerate) the great light of this period of the year. But when Moshiach comes, he writes, these three weeks will be revealed and they will become great Yomim Tovim. And the Beis Ahron ends by saying that that is why we usually read Parshas Pinchas during the 3 weeks, because Pinchas has in it all the Regalim...

If you are finding the struggle very difficult now, it is understandable. The Koach of Esav is at its height during the three weeks. From Rosh Chodesh Tamuz until the 9th of Av is 39 days. We are now in middle of those 40 days. At the end of these 40 days, the sun's strength starts to wane. That means that in middle of the 40 days, the sun is at its peak. Now is the most hidden time. The world cannot be "sovel" the great light, and when the keilim are not able to hold the light, they break. That is why the walls of Yerushalayim were breached and the Beis Hamikdash was destroyed. The "Keilim" of the yidden were not worthy of maintaining the great light, so when the light became the strongest, it broke the vessels. And that is perhaps why so many of us are struggling now more than any other time of the year.

But Rabboisai, the wood for the Holy Mizbe'ach can only be gathered NOW when the sun is at its PEAK. This is perhaps because the greatest sacrifices for Hashem are done in the most hidden times.  Davka now, the light of the Ge'ulah begins to shine forth.

Sunday ~ 22 Tamuz, 5771 ~ July 24, 2011 

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Mazal Tov to GuardYourEyes on its 4^th Birthday!

 

In honor of our birthday, we would like to unofficially launch a preliminary version of our new website today.

 

The temporary URL of the English website's Home-Page (under development) is: guardyoureyes.com/live/breakingfree

 

GYE will also have a special website for "Prevention" which will be for everyone, not only those who struggle with these addictive behaviors. It will contain filter help, Shmiras Ainayim phone conferences and forums for parents and mechanchim to exchange ideas. A very preliminary version of the "Prevention" website can be seen here. 

 

Although we are still a few months away from completing our website overhaul, there are already a few features that can be useful to our community:

 

1) Our Phone-Conference Calendar Page - This page lists all the phone conferences currently available on GYE (30 per week!). 

 

2) Our Therapist Referral System - Find a therapist in your area who is trained to help people deal with these issues.

 

3)  Our eBooks Page - Download many great PDF files which can help you in your struggle.

 

4) Our "Kosher Isle" - When feeling bored or lethargic, don't gravitate to the bad sites. You can find hundreds of Kosher websites with news, entertainment and Torah to keep your mind occupied in a Kosher way! (The old Kosher Isle can be found here, but the new "Kosher Isle" currently has very few links. We ask everyone to use the form on the right side of the page to submit new items. For an example of how the inside pages will look, see here for the video-clips page of the Kosher Isle).

 

5) Our new Donation Page - Anonymous recurring credit-card donations are now possible! (Please help us finish the web development.)  

 

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We are also launching thin versions of our Hebrew and Yiddish websites today!

 

Hebrew Website

 

Yiddish Website

 

Even though they are far from complete, the current versions of these websites can already be used as a "base" for existing GYE services and materials in Hebrew and Yiddish (such as our Hebrew forum and our Yiddish forum). Spread the word about these sites and help us build a Hebrew and Yiddish speaking GYE community!

 

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POWERFUL VIDEO ABOUT GYE

 

We encourage everyone to view this inspiring 15 minute video about GYE's work, which contains excerpts from talks given by:

• R' Chaim Dovid Zwiebel, Executive Vice President of Agudath Israel of America.
• Rav Aharon Feldman, Mo'etzes Gedolei HaTorah.
• Rabbi/Dr. Avraham J. Twerski, Founder of Gateway Rehab Center.
• Shalom's personal story (voice altered to protect his identity).

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The Segulah of This Day

 

The original Guardureyes.com website was launched on the 22cd of Tamuz - exactly four years ago. The Yartzeit of Rav Shlomo Karliner is also today, on the 22cd Tamuz. Tzadikim say that although the 3 weeks are generally a bad time to start anything new, the day of Rav Shlomo's Yartzeit is a day when it is especially mesugal to start something new, and to make a personal RENEWAL. As a matter of fact, many Chassidim try to find a new fruit on this day to make a "shehechiyanu".

 

It seems to be divinely orchestrated that the Yartzeit of Rav Shlomo of Karlin and the birthday of GuardYourEyes fall out on the same day, and here's why:

 

Rav Shlomo Karliner was killed al Kiddush Hashem by a Russian Cossack, and Tzadikim said he was the bechina of Moshiach Ben Yosef. Yosef was born and died in the month of Tammuz. This is because the Koach of Yosef will one day overpower Esav as the Pasuk says "and the house of Yosef will be a flame and the house of Eisav will be like straw". Yosef's flame of Kedusha will devour and eradicate the power of Eisav from the world. But before Moshiach comes, Esav's Koach seems to overpower Yosef during the three weeks (as the Zohar says, that the month of Tamuz belongs to Eisav now) and Yosef needs to "die" (be mistalek) in order to combat Eisav. We all know that the death of Moshiach Ben Yosef is an integral part of the Ge'ulah. Only after Moshiach ben Yosef dies can Moshiach Ben David reveal himself.

The GuardYourEyes community is part of the light of Yosef that shines forth after the holy bechina of Yosef seems to have been "killed" - kaviyachol - by Esav and all his impurities, just as the bechina of Yosef (tikkun ha'Yesod) seems to have been destroyed by the terrible promiscuity in the world we live in today. Our network is perhaps a harbinger of the Ge'ulah; the fulfillment of what the holy Ohr Hachayim Hakadosh writes (Shemos 3:8), that before Moshiach comes the Yidden will be subjected to the 50th level of impurity (i.e. the death of Yosef -Kaviyachol), yet they will find the strength through the Koach HaTorah to enter into the mouth of the Satan and remove that which he had swallowed from his very mouth. ("Le'hotzi Bo'loi Mi'piv", i.e. using the power of the internet, the Satan's very tool, to bring out the sparks of Kedusha that had fallen prey to the 50th level of Tumah). GYE is re-inspiring Klal Yisrael with the power of Kedusha (which is the power of "restriction" -as Chazal say, "wherever you find a geder Erva, you find Kedusha"). We are fighting the koach of Eisav in our generation, which is the power of "Freedom" = lack of restrictions. (Perhaps that is why America's celebration of Freedom, July 4^th, usually falls out in Tamuz).

 

In the merit of the birthday of this holy community of Hashem's "front-line soldiers" and the Yartzeit of Rabbi Shlomo Karliner, let us take-hold today of this power of renewal and bring forth the Geulah!

 

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Practical Tip for Today

 

In honor of GYE's B-day and the special segulah for renewal that we discussed above, let us all try to renew our commitment to guarding our eyes. Here's one idea of a Kabbala that can be very helpful in this regard:

 

"I am mikabel upon myself until after Tisha Be'av, to donate $2 to GYE for every time I obsess over something that is arousing to me by taking a second and third look in any 15 second time-frame, or if I gaze at something arousing to me for more than 15 seconds in any given minute's time. (If I looked while forgetting that I made this Kabbala, I will not have to pay)."

 

Keep a little notebook in your pocket, and mark down each time you slip.

 

Why does this work so well? Often we stumble in shmiras ainayim because at the moment we are faced with a nisayon, the Yetzer hara makes us forget all the consequences and we figure it can't really hurt to take a second look. He actually makes us feel that it's in our best interest to look! And by the time we convince ourselves that it's really NOT in our best interest, we already stumbled and saw what we shouldn't have. With this Kabala however, we will be instantly aware of the consequence of looking and we'll be able to avert our gaze much quicker.

 

Try it; you'll be amazed at how well it works!

 

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A Few Recent Testimonials

 

"Sometime during my first desperate week trying to stay clean, Hashem led me to GYE. It was like being transported to a new planet. Suddenly I was not alone anymore, there were so many others who were struggling with similar issues AND SUCCEEDING. I spent hours reading the handbook and browsing the forums, and got tremendous chizuk from it!" - G.S

 

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"My eternal thanks to you for the help you have afforded me in my quest to be a real yid. I have struggled with this for as long as I can remember and to have a tool available 24/7 on the very medium by which one can fall so hard is invaluable. Yasher Kochachem!" - M.S

 

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"Dear the webmaster. No words can express the great mitzvah that you have, by saving me and thousands from one of the worst sins in the Torah. You really changed me and I will always remember it, your zechus is great, it states in sefurim that someone who prevents himself from hz"l or from asur relations the mitzva is massive, so imagine how many mitzvahs you have. Once again thank you so much for Bringing the geula closer." - C.G

 

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"Hi. I am an addiction counselor in yerushalayim. I would like to receive from you several GYE handbooks if that is possible, to give to my clients. Many of them do not have access to the internet or a computer, and so the PDF cannot help them. Is this possible? Your website has good acclaim. For one, I know that Dr. Hillel Davis of Emek Refaim told me that every one of his clients who used this site has benefited from it tremendously." - A.T       (To purchase our handbook in hard-copy, see this link) 

 

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"I would like to thank you for your great work, ever since I found it I'm a different person. I haven't looked at shmutz since, and have guarded my eyes on the street extremely well also. KEEP IT UP!" - H.F

 

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