It is only few days to Rosh Hashana and since
the beginning of the summer my short term goal
has been to get just a little bit better and
closer to hashem by Rosh Hashana, I have not
only failed in this mission but gone
considerably worse, this week I uninstalled the
filter on my computer (they don’t really help
anyway) out of sheer despair. I have been
struggling with masturbation for 13 years (I’m
30) and am at the end of the rope. I have seen
five separate therapists over the past three
years (5th just started).
At this point in Elul and at the stage I am in,
I cannot face Rosh Hashana in the eye this year,
I cannot daven and say selichos (said it once
this week) knowing that the minute I walk into
my office the temptations start bugging so bad
and eventually I will fall. I don’t know what
I’m going to do about Rosh Hashono and Yom
Kippur this year, if not for my wife and kids I
would seriously consider running to Atlantic
City for yom tov. Don’t get me wrong, my
Emunah is extremely strong and I will go to shul
but I find my ruchnius situation impossible to
deal with and cannot work on my yiddishkeit the
way I am behaving.
I need a reason to go to shul, daven hard and
learn during yomim tovin (as I enjoy doing), I
need a reason to be able to face yom hadin with
a little optimism and be able to dance motzei
yom kippur feeling good about the holy days.
This is impossible for me to do knowing that the
day, week or month after yom kippur I am going
to be in exactly the same situation I am in now,
probably worse. I know every yid comes to hashem
every single year with the same story as the
year before promising once again that he will do
teshuva but at least when he is doing teshuva,
he kind of believes himself and he does try to
be a better person and while climbing and
falling over the year he gradually climbs the
ladder. I cannot console myself this way
because I’ve been doing this for too many years
and the only result is falling deeper and deeper
into my self made bottomless pit.
Please don’t get me wrong, by giving up I don’t
mean giving up completely, I am still going to
see a therapist and am a little optimistic that
one day I will climb out of it, but I feel that
my optimism is only an excuse for me to continue
masturbating and my tears, teffilos and sadness
is only a symptom of øùòéí îìàéí çøèä. I wanna
skip the yomim tovim this year and hope that
maybe next year I could go to shul with some
pride.
I read the posts on this forum and notice that
mine is the only one that does not have a happy
ending but I hope there will be a happy ending
to tell. Well at least over the last hour and a
half as I was reading the forum and drafting
this post I was porn free, yaa!