Guard Your Eyes

I'm a 30 year old frum guy. I've been involved with junk for more then 20 yrs of my life. I was molested by my mother, brothers and sister and then blamed for it. I was 12 yrs old when I found my first porn magazine in my yeshiva bathroom. I found out the janitor was bringing it. And so it went for three full yrs. I watched porn, read porn and lived porn. I masturbated twice daily minimum. I slept with hookers all the time went to clubs and pool halls all the while masquerading as a frum ehrlich yeshiva boy! I went to israel and screwed around some more. I got married and screwed around some more. B"h I've come around lately, say three months. But I am sick and depressed over the 20+ yrs I've wasted with this garbage. Pls hook me up with someone I can speak to. I can't bring myself to speak to anyone. I'd die from embarrassment. You see, I run a school!! Pls reply and thanks for giving me a chance, a ray of hope at getting this off my chest. Yours truly,

I commend you for finally seeking help. You have come to the right place. This is the first time a frum Jew has where to turn in dealing with this monster. On guardureyes you can finally begin your journey to healing the past and finally living the way you want to live in your heart. This Rosh Hashana and Yom Kippur, you will be able to face hashem and know you have begun to take the steps to finally deal with this. But I will give you some homework to do until Yom-Kippur.

First, you should begin by speaking to one of our members who has years of experience in this area and has set up a hotline for people just like you. Please see this page: /GUE/hotline/Hotline.asp.

He will talk to you and get you started. He will also suggest (and I do too) that you join the weekly "Jewish Healing Group" phone conference.

Ask him if you can join without sending in the "sign-up" form, or at least by using a fake name (although he is in Memphis and there's no way he knows you, and he keeps it 100% confidential anyway - but whatever you feel). All these things are 100% confidential and anonymous. No one on the calls knows, or CAN know, who you are.

You have had a difficult and traumatic childhood. This is the typical situation that makes one a candidate for sexual addictions. I want you to read this article: http://drsorotzkin.com/psychological_factors.html

And it would also be helpful to read Chizuk e-mail #273 and #283 on this page: /GUE/GUEList/GUEList6.asp (scroll down till you hit those numbers).

The fact that you are 3 months clean shows you have great strengths and a strong determination to change. This means you are ready to heal, and Hashem has brought you to us. We will give you group support, which is essential in the healing process. Post on the forum and watch the chizuk and tips just start pouring in. Read some of the posts on the forum. People just like you are making the turn around today, and they are being "born anew" before our very eyes. Read the recovery stories on our site and see that many people have conquered this. People just like you, if not worse off.

And start browsing the hundreds of tips on our site, and the chizuk e-mails in the data-base. You will see, there really is light at the end of the tunnel.

It's vital not to get down about your past and look only forward, towards a brighter future. Chaza"l say, "The words of Torah cannot last through someone, unless he has first stumbled in them". This is G-d's plan. Because you have fallen so far in the past, now you can know now what you need to do to become a Tzaddik. That is why Chaza"l say, "in the place where a Ba'al Teshuva stands, not even a perfect Tzaddik can stand". Hashem waits a whole life-time for a person to do Teshuvah. I look forward to posting your recovery story in a few months on our site. You will be one great example to us all that no matter how far a person has fallen, and no matter how deeply scarred he may be from child-hood trauma, there is hope.

We will take you through the process of healing. You have made already two vital steps. 1. Stopping for three months. 2. Contacting us.

I hope u don't mind if I ask who are the rabbi's on the advisory board. who's behind this site? Your work is amazing!! But before I commit to this site, I'm sure you'll understand that I would like to know who are the advisors. Thanks

Rabbi Avraham J. Twersky is kind-of the "spiritual father" of this site. He is a world renowned leader in addictions, author of over 50 books, and a true pioneer and Gadol in Klal Yisrael It was through his advice and help that the site got started and we are in touch with him and ask his advice when necessary.

I've been thinking about you and davening for you over Yom Tov. Have you begun any of the steps and/or advice to progress?

You are not alone. We are all with you. Now is the time. Aseres Yimai Teshuvah Hashem is extra close to us and waiting with open arms to help those who make the first steps to be Metaher.

B"h I feel like I took a great load off my chest by just talking to Elya on the phone. I'm coming along, though I did chicken out from doing the phone group thing. I am skeptical in general about the idea of therapy but when I got the exercises emailed to me I sort of backed off. I read the chizuk emails every day. They are great and start my day off with the knowledge that this group of warriors are starting the day the same way and striving for kedusha. May the rbsh"o bentch u and all of us here and all of klal yisroel with a gmar chasima tova and to see the geula shleima mitoch kedusha vetahara bimhaira byomainu!! Mi keamcha yisroel!!

You originally wrote to me, but you spoke with Elya on the phone. Elya is one of our great warriors and the organizer of the hot-line and phone-conference. I am the webmaster of GUE who writes the chizuk lists. I am so relieved to hear that you are determined and willing to make changes to your life for Hashem.

I beg you to reconsider the phone conference. It is 100% anonymous. Elya, who organized it, uses a company that supplies phone conferencing with a pin number. He can't see anyone's number on his ID (and he doesn't even have a phone ID LCD on the phone he uses for this). You just type in the pin number and you are listening live! If you are afraid or reluctant to speak - just listen to what's going on... That alone is enough for now... No one needs to even know you have joined the conference. 100 people can join and no one will even know if there is 5 people or 100 people listening in...

I had you in mind by the Avos Hakedoshim today in Chevron,and by Mameh Rachol! Now that you have joined our community, you are no longer alone in your struggle. You have the Koach of a whole Tzibur of holy yidden who are doing this together!