A Cry for Help
From a Prestigious Mechanech who counsels people in this very field!
Dear GUE
Sorry For anonymity but it would be a Chillul Hashem to show my real face. I am a prestigious michanich and respected marriage counselor. I helped a lot of Bachurim and couples in their own sexual problems. But as chazal say "ain chovish matir atzmoh" I can't be in command of myself at all, I need access to the net for my profession, and being a computer guru and I have outsmarted the filters & locks.
If you would know who the writer is you would weep for weeks. I can't tolerate it any longer. It seems to me that he only way is by including outside help. However SLAA meetings are out of question due to my caliber, and letting my wife in does also not come in consideration (she knew I had net problem but does not know the extent). Do you think I can be helped without blowing my secret?
Dear Yid, yes. That is what we are here for at guardureyes, a whole community of yidden who are finally changing their lives around, and all in full anonymity! We have helped tens of Yidden recover, and strengthened perhaps hundreds, but believe me when I tell you - I do not know the real identity of ANY of them.
I commend you for taking this first step in seeking help. Right now before Rosh Hashana is the perfect time to make life changes. You have come to the right place, and if you are a prestigious michanich, you don't have to recover just for your sake, but for the sake of Klal Yisrael!
The first thing you need to know is that the phenomenon you are dealing with is not because you have huge desires and can't seem to be able to deal with them. Rather, you are simply dealing with a strong "addiction". It is important to understand this because, as an addiction, it can be dealt with in many tried and proven ways and methods.
The first step is to block access to the porn. You claim you are too computer savvy for filters. I once wrote a whole article that deals exactly with this issue. Please see the article here. You may begin to read the article and say "I know all this stuff, it won't help" - but I ask you to please read until the very end. There is a lot of advice there that can help. If you are in Israel (as your e-mail suggests), you should get internet Rimon and have it set to a high level of protection. But like I wrote in the article, nothing is ever 100% fool-proof. After all, you could also buy a new computer each time you wanted access. The idea here is "out-of-sight-out-of-mind". When you know it's out of reach, you feel free. It's all in the mind.
Also, you must understand that it is not just the issue of a reliable filter. Addictions are often caused by various underlying issues, such as anxiety, depression, low-self esteem, a difficult child hood, etc... These situations make one a prime candidate for addictions in that the person seeks to medicate their feelings of inadequacy or the dark feelings of their subconscious with various "self-soothing" stimulations. If these problems are not dealt with at the root, it makes it that much harder to recover. Can you identify with any of these symptoms? If yes, it is actually good, because these problems have tried-and-proven methods to help one deal with them. We can guide you on how to get help for these things too, if necessary.
Also, Group support is very important. For that you can do one or all, of these 4 ideas:
1) Write about your struggles on the forum - people will answer you and give you strength
2) Sign up on the forum for an accountability partner to keep in touch with
3) Join the Jewish Healing Group Hotline. If you are in Israel you may have to wake up at 4 AM to join, but believe me it is worth it. It's 100 times better than having to join a non-religious SLA group. Firstly because everyone there, including the certified addiction counselor - are frum. And secondly, because you have full anonymity.
4) Call Elya, our experienced addiction sponsor, and speak to him live with full confidentiality. He has a lot of experience and is a great person to help you start your journey to recovery. See this page.
If you are determined to change, which you sound like you are, you will need to do some homework. Set aside some time each day to browse through our site and also time each day to make a careful reckoning of what things lead you to fall, what situations, in what what ways your mind has become accustomed to think. Then you can start working on changing these things. This is the ikkar Teshuvah according to the Chafetz Chaim.
Please take full advantage of all the wonderful tools on our site.
· Firstly I will add you to the daily Chizuk e-mail list. That is one powerful tool. (If you don't want, let me know).
· You can browse through the hundreds of previous e-mails sent out and learn what it takes to break free. See here. And check out particularly #287 (scroll down).
· Also, there are hundreds of tips on our site, divided into useful categories to help you break free.
· There is the amazing forum for group support (I will send you soon yesterday's chizuk e-mail where you will see how helpful the forum is).
· Read the recovery stories on our site and see that people even worse off than you have recovered.
If you are determined to change and believe you can change, you have come to the right place. We will do our very best to help you through the recovery process. Start by taking one day at a time. Tell yourself each day, "Just for today, I will remain clean". Tomorrow is out of your hands.
This year Rosh Hashana you will come before Hashem having made the first steps to Teshuvah!
May Hashem be with you!
Dear DYE
Thank you so much for returning my letter, I have a feeling this is a milestone in my life may Hashem help me to the very end (beginning).
About your services I am fully aware of them, being that I am on your email list for a very long time, I am using a new email account that I created for the purpose of contacting you.
you wrote "but for the sake of Klal Yisrael!"
oh are you right, it is such an hypercriticy and I always wonder maybe even greater people than I are really worse in real life.
The first thing you need to know is that the phenomenon you are dealing with is not because you have huge desires and can't seem to be able to deal with them. Rather, you are simply dealing with a strong "addiction". It is important to understand this because, as an addiction, it can be dealt with in many tried and proven ways and methods.
Do you mean Rigelu"s, rather than big yetzer.
If you are in Israel (as your e-mail suggests), you should get internet Rimon and have it set to a high level of protection
No I a can't have these, I use someone else's computer.
Can you identify with any of these symptoms? If yes, it is actually good, because these problems have tried-and-proven methods to help one deal with them.
Yes I classify with them.
1) Write about your struggles on the forum - people will answer you and give you strength
I am worried about being identified
2) Sign up on the forum for an accountability partner to keep in touch with
Being that my access to the net is not routine, it can be weeks that I won't correspond, which makes me a poor partner.
3) Join the Jewish Healing Group Hotline. If you are in Israel you may have to wake up at 4 AM to join, but believe me it is worth it. It's 100 times better than having to join a non-religious SLA group. Firstly because everyone there, including the certified addiction counselor - are frum. And secondly, because you have full anonymity.
4) Call Elya, our experienced addiction sponsor, and speak to him live with full confidentiality. He has a lot of experience and is a great person to help you start your journey to recovery. See this page.
These 2 very important tools, won't work for me, being that he needs my number to call me.
Thanks again for your time, i am happy to see that you really read my letter, and hope to change my true self
Baffled
Dear Jew,
Always remember these words that you wrote here. This IS a milestone in your life. A journey of a thousand miles starts with a first step. You have taken that first step and there's no turning back! Once you've seen the stories on our site and what's going on in the forum - you now know something you have never known before. You know that is really possible to beat this, no matter how hard it seems. People worse off than you have beaten it. And you know it's an addiction, and can be dealt with in tried and proven methods, such as group support, learning the situations where you stumble and avoiding them, making sure the stuff is out of reach and even using vows (see this page to learn how to make vows in a "safe" way, vows that you know you can keep, one step at a time), and many, many other methods...
Normally making vows is frowned upon by our sages as with someone playing with fire, but when it comes to girding oneself from sexual temptation, we find that making vows is praised by the Torah and by Chaz"al. As the Pasuk says "Nishbati Va'akayeima, lishmor Mishpatei Tzidkecha" - "I have vowed and will uphold it, to guard your righteous laws". And also it says "Nishba Lehora Velo Yamir - Oseh eileh lo Yimot Le'olam" - "He who swears to prevent bad and does not nullify... he will never falter". And Chaza"l also say that Bo'az swore to guard himself from transgressing when Ruth came to him in the silo at night, as it says "Chai Hashem, Shichvi ad haboker" - "In the name of G-d, lay here until morning".
For example, if the computer is not yours, make a vow, for a week, and then for more time as you become more confident, not to use the computer unless a religious, awake adult is in the house / room and the door is unlocked.
A "Regilus" is not the same as an addiction. In an addiction, the serotonin levels spike & the dopaminergic pleasure pathway is activated in the standard "addiction" pattern. Little do people know, we are actually "addicted" to food, but that's a healthy addiction, and most people are able to moderate their food intake. The same CANNOT be said for mind altering drugs & the porno. Porn was shown to be MORE powerfully addictive than most drugs, in one study. It's not a big surprise or a big wonder why that would be. It's an intense pleasure stimulation, even more direct than a hard drug. It is also known that upon repeated exposure to certain types of images, one will seek out more and more perverse types of images..
Also, if you do classify with symptoms of either depression, OCD,
hyper-sexuality, childhood trauma, etc... there are concrete medical and
therapeutic ways of dealing with these issues. They must be dealt with
or the addiction will be harder to break. For childhood trauma there is
something called EMDR treatment that is very effective (Eye Movement
Desensitization and Reprocessing). For depression, hyper-sexuality or
OCD-like obsessions, there are medications. Millions of people around
the world take medications like antidepressants or SSRIs. Today,
scientific medical advances have created these medications that
have virtually no side effects. And they really do wonders in taking off
the "edge" of the obsessions, or the darkness and depression you feel
deep down that often lead one to need self-soothing behaviors. Now is
the time to finally take action. You should be evaluated by a
psychiatrist for medication. I can give you the name of a very good
psychiatrist in Talpiot. He won't know you, because he is non-religious,
and he is an expert in sexual addictions and appropriate medications.
His name is Dr.Winstum and his telephone number is 02-6734150.
You say you are afraid to post on the forum for fear of being identified. How in the world can anyone identify you? You can use a "fake" e-mail address when signing up, and a pseudo-user-name. And you don't have to mention where you live or what you do. So what in the world could possibly give you away?
And about calling Elya and joining the Jewish-Healing-Group, you say they need your number. That is not correct. They don't call you, you call them. (And if you use "star+43" in Israel, that hides your number from anyone seeing what number is calling). You can call Elya this Sunday the whole day (since Monday night is erev Rosh Hashana), or normally on Monday nights from 10-11 PM EST time. Only if you want to speak on ANOTHER day do you need to leave your number.
So please take advantage of these very important tools to help you get started.
May Hashem be with you!
I've been thinking about you and davening for you, over Yom Tov. Have you begun any of the steps and/or advice to progress?
You are not alone. We are all with you. Now is the time. Aseres Yimai Teshuvah Hashem is extra close to us and waiting with open arms to help those who make the first steps to be Metaher.
May Hashem be with you!
Thanks for your Chizuk, I really appreciate your warmth.
No I haven't started any steps (but I did speak to al, and it was quite good), I am looking for a partner as can be seen in the forum
But I am in control as of now (since i started the contact)
But as you see it took quite a few days to get to the net again, I don't have permanent access
Have a good time
Dear MD M,
I am so relieved to hear that you are determined and willing to make changes to your life for Hashem. You say you haven't made steps, but you have. Writing us, talking to Allan, looking for a partner, these are all important steps... I see that Mevakesh is happy to be your partner. He is fantastic. Please DO write him your ups and downs. You will get a lot of spiritual chizuk. But it is important to realize that this is not JUST a spiritual disease. It is a physical/psychological disease too. And for this, Alan is GREAT. So if you keep in occasional touch with both Mevakesh AND Allan, you will get perfect perspective on the whole spectrum of the problem. Please also consider the phone conference, even though it will take some effort getting up at 4 AM once a week in Israel. It is still a lot better than having to join a non-religious SLA group which Rabbi Avraham J Twerski holds someone in these situations must do, regardless of all the problems with it. The phone conference that Alan organized is 100% anonymous. Alan uses a company that supplies phone conferencing with a pin number. He can't see anyone's number on his ID (and he doesn't even have a phone ID LCD on the phone he uses for this). You just type in the pin number and you are listening live! If you are afraid or reluctant to speak - just listen to what's going on... That alone is enough for now... No one needs to even know you have joined the conference. 100 people can join and no one will even know if there is 5 people or 100 people listening in...
I had you in mind by the Avos Hakedoshim today in Chevron,and by Mameh Rachol! Now that you have joined our community, you are no longer alone in your struggle. You have the Koach of a whole Tzibur of holy yidden who are doing this together!
May Hashem be with you. Please keep in touch!
A month later, MDM posts on the forum:
B"H the good days are returning
striving quite a while
the forum is the source of my courage
but everything is BISYATA DISHMAYA
MD
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