Only Hashem knows it all
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"niceguy" (not his real name) posted his story our Forum

I grew up completely non-religious. i was exposed to pornography by, believe it or not, my parents. they had piles of mags and i found them one day when they were out. i don't remember how old i was, maybe 10. but i memorized those things. the masturbation began as soon as i could get it going, and went full speed through my teens. i did it any time i could anywhere i could. i went to Israel  and became frum but this was the only real thing i could never kick .once i was frum i began to feel guilt and regret for doing it but i couldn't stop in any real way. i controlled so many things, kicked so many habits, i gave up so much and it was hard but i did it. i thought i could do this too. I cried and davened and vowed and swore and continued masturbating. that started at 18. I'm now 34, i have 6 children, a good wife, a job teaching in a cheder in israel and i can't stop masturbating. i think it has gotten better as far as frequency but it never stopped .not for more than a few weeks at a time. i didn't have access to porn for a long time b/c i was in yeshiva and i was mortified to be seen getting it but that didn't stop me. i drew my own. i would sit for hours at night, in bathrooms sketching porn scenes for myself. . i think now it was a way of fooling myself that I'm not so bad b/c I'm not making a Chillul Hashem by buying it .but it was just as bad .maybe worse. i put so much time into getting what i wanted w/out embarrassing myself or hurting my image. it was vital that no one should know. i would destroy what i drew almost after every time so no one could find it . i'd rip it up and flush it .almost every time promising never again. that went on for 18 years. i finally "grew up"&got the guts to buy porn in the store. i "disguised" myself so no one would recognize me . i died every time. threw out what ever i bought the same day. it was getting expensive and i couldn't continue. then came the computer. its been a battle ever since. you see, I've always known the problem isn't the computer it just makes getting my fantasies so much cheaper and easier. that's why stopping my access isn't enough b/c I'll just find something else. I've never said these details to anyone before. only Hashem knows it all. I'm writing b/c i want to know where i stand in relation to the rest of you. Am i crazy? am i better? worse? the same? what's bothering me is how much effort i put in to satisfying my fantasies. the obsession i had to see the porn. how hard i would work for it ,just to throw it away. where do i stand? is there anyone of you who relates to the kind of all encompassing single-minded obsession for that fantasy scene, movie clip, etc.? I lied . i cheated  my bosses, rebbes, wife, of work, time, myself. i invaded privacy at my leisure. i respected only my obsession in private. no one but myself. If somebody relates to this and can name it, and especially if they got out of it, please let me know.

 

 

Another post by niceguy after he begins his journey...

 

Just a few weeks ago i was trying to get my wife to realize my issues with having the computer and i was learning for myself how much blocking i needed .i would try one level of blocker, get through it, then tell her it's not good enough. finally we got to the point where i would only be on line w/ her in the room. i managed to sneak stuff through even then. but the last time i erased it just as she turned around and forgot to delete it from the history she just saw the name of the site on the list and it finally clicked for her that i can't be trusted w/ the computer at all. it was very embarrassing and painful for both of us. i still feel like I'm in withdrawal i kept checking my access hoping maybe she made a mistake. i started feeling really stupid and stopped that. B'H I'm holding out and feeling better. and I'm clean for a little while already but as stated by the fellow in the feature story i get aroused very easily. I was getting excited just attempting to connect knowing i wouldn't be able to, but thinking of what i'd see if i could. i also get aroused from sounds outside or in other peoples apartments. i know this sounds ridiculous and i myself know it's not true but i sometimes think people are having sex when i here sounds at night. sometimes i KNOW its a washing machine but i have to check and listen! i feel like an idiot and stop myself but not b/f i check. this is an old habit I've had since i was a teenager. i mentioned my parents weren't religious and they weren't too careful about their intimate time together. i listened to them a few times and think i got hooked. i would take walks at night listening as i went past peoples houses for sounds of sex. i never went into anyone's property and baruch Hashem no one ever called the cops on me (though it would've helped me if they did.) B"h i haven't done that in years but part of it is b/c i grew up and found easier ways to satisfy my need.

So i think it'll have to be SLA for me. Although I'd really love to  join the frum group. I'd feel so much more comfortable knowing I'm talking to people with beards and kippas that will understand me. is there something like that in Israel? But I'm ready to go even if it's not. i don't think i have any secrets left. Should I just call the # you sent me and say i want to come to a meeting?

 

 

Another post by niceguy after a fall...

 

O.k. i have to say, i messed up yesterday. but i have to say also that i still feel great .b/c i know he's on his way out. a few things happened that led to it. i ate a heavy fleishig dinner which is no good for me. and i did not avoid enough, a certain young lady, it seems i am forced to have some contact w/. i would like to say it didn't effect me but i know it did. And i also fell asleep, not in my bed which caused me to wake up - as if after a nap - in the middle of the night, and wander awake, which is always a bad formula. so i fell .
 

But I'm still happy. Why? #1 b/c I know that if all these didn't happen, i wouldn't have done it. And #2 i know exactly what i did wrong. i just didn't remember the good feeling I've had this past 2 weeks of actually watching my taiva (obsession) fade. it was thrilling. i want that again. that's why i didn't allow myself to get into a depression over it, i just jumped right back up and started serving Hashem again. i didn't even stop to regret or cry. i ran to act and i had a great day. i did feel a little dead inside, but i said I'm not going to let it pull me down. i remember that i let the dead feeling ride like a wave, and it did go down! so I'm going to go straight through the next wave. And i didn't even enjoy it. it was a waste of time. i just keep remembering that i won already and i can win again. i want to say this here so everyone will see it. i know there are those that beat it and they were in even worse straits than me. i can do it too.