I Am Inspired to Try Again

Posted by "Eme" on the forum here

I have had many "new starts" before, and have fallen each time. After finding and reading this site, I feel inspired to try again. Thanks to all those who shared their own story. A special thank you to the creators and mods of this site - Hashem should repay your kindness and life saving work with every imaginable bracha. May we all be mechaziek one another.

I realize that the main issue for me is the actual guarding of my eyes. If I would do that it wouldnt lead to other things....

I have destroyed years of my life already and it cannot go on. I have influenced others and damages innocent neshamos and it cannot go on. I I'H hope to get married soon and cannot be responsible for ruining another innocent persons life through such behaviours.

I realize that only the Creator of the world can help me be matzliach in this enormous challenge and upwards spiritual journey, so at this time before I start I beg and cry to Him on this holy day of Hoshanna Rabah with all my soul and heart to let me succeed in defeating the yetzer horah. I know He is "eme" (with me) at all times, and wants me to win this war.

Today as of now (last 24 hours), is the first of 90 days that I will G-D willing make it through.

Some steps I am hoping to take very shortly are:

1. Setting up a new password on my k9 filter and not looking at it. That way I would have to go thru the trouble of getting it via email.

2. Downloading at least one more filter, as k9 is not good enough alone.

3. Getting a sponser/partner

4. Joining in the group phone calls.

I hope to sign in nearly every day to post whether or not I had success guarding my eyes the day before. I would love to make this upward journey together with others, so feel free to post along with me every day.

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Our Reply on the Forum

Eme, thank you for joining our community. You are taking excellent steps! Make sure to stick to them, and all of us here will take you with us to recovery, closeness to Hashem and a new freedom in your life. You will finally be able to get in touch with the "real you", the person you want to be.

You can put in my e-mail address for K9, so you won't be tempted to ask them for the password (eyes.guard@gmail.com).

You are hitting the nail on the head when you said the main issue is guarding the eyes. This site is indeed called "GuardUrEyes" because no matter how complex this disease seems to be, emotionally, psychologically, physically, etc... it all boils down to guarding the eyes. If a person can guard your eyes, he is basically healed. The heart and mind may be polluted from years of abuse, but they too will become pure and holy if one learns to guards his eyes.

Here are some tips to help you begin the battle of guarding the eyes.

1) The pain you feel when saying "No" to the Yetzer Hara is HEALING pain, like the pain from an important surgery. The pain is healing you. On the other hand, the spiritual pain of looking at what we shouldn't is the pain of the disease getting worse. Which pain do you choose?

2) The pain you feel when saying "no" is not really your pain at all. It is the pain of the Yetzer Hara in his "death throws". He is screaming that you are hitting him hard. So enjoy the pain! You are feeling the pain of your enemy as he dies!

3) The whole desire is a blown up bubble of hot-air, built around what we see and imagine in the mind. Experience has shown us all, that as soon as we get what we thought we wanted -- what we thought was going to be absolutely incredible (according to what we saw and fantasized), as soon as it's done, the bubble pops and all that's left is "hot air". And we are left shaking our heads and not believing that this was the whole thing for which we are selling our very souls.

So in essence, the fact that we struggle so much with shmiras ainayim and all these powerful fantasies, and the fact that we need to use such strength and give our hearts over to Hashem - this all is really Hashem's greatest gift to us. This sounds a little strange, so let me explain what I'm trying to say:

If we would just be like the goyim and just give in and get all we wanted in these areas, we would have NOTHING at the end. Do they have joy from this? The minute it's over, they are left disillusioned and seeking other pleasures to fill the void they feel. So think about it. Hashem has chosen us and uplifted us from the filth of the world with so much kindness. He has given us the opportunity to give him our very hearts! We have the opportunity to make all these "valiant" struggles every time we turn away from looking at something the Yetzer Hara wants us to look at. But what is the alternative, if we would give in? Nothing! Emptiness and disillusionment! The Yetzer Hara promises so much but delivers nothing! So what I'm trying to say is, that this whole blown up desire we have, and all these difficult struggles not to look, etc... it’s all really a "game" that Hashem is playing with us. He makes us feel we are "ripping out our hearts" for him - and he indeed gives us the reward AS IF WE DID RIP OUT OUR HEARTS and he allows us to come closer to him than any non-Jew could dream of coming, and yet, it's all a game. For if one would be able to see in advance the way he would feel after he would give in, he wouldn't even have a struggle!!

That is perhaps what Chaza”l meant when they said that one day the Tzadikim will weep with joy that they were able to overcome the mountain of the Yetzer Hara, and Resha’im will weep that they couldn’t overcome this little string of the Yetzer Hara. One may ask, how could the Yetzer Hara really be two things? Well, based on what we just wrote above, it could be that the Tzadikim are talking about the “mountain” that the Yetzer Hara “FELT LIKE” – when they DIDN’T give in. But the Resha’im are seeing the little “nothing” that the Yetzer Hara really was WHEN THEY GAVE IN.

So it’s really all a game of Hashem’s chesed and love for us. Hashem is really only asking of us to over come a “small string”, but he makes it LOOK like a mountain so that we can truly give him our hearts and get the tremendous reward he wants to give us!

Remember this, and you will stay strong even in what “feels like” the most difficult moments!

I am sure Hashem will help you heal, and then you will become a powerful asset for all of us on this forum as well, offering chizuk to others and showing them that it can be done.