Is There Light at the End of the Tunnel?
c
Sent by a member of the Chizuk List

Hi,

First I would like to thank you I haven’t yet browsed your site fully but from what I see it looks like a great informational site, and I wish you much Hatzlacha.

I’ve been dealing (or not dealing) with this problem I would guess from since I was twelve – I’m now about thirty. Until I was 15 -16, I had no idea what I was doing, no dirty pictures or Machshovos involved. I remember sitting in camp before Chodesh Elul and looking into a Yesod VShoresh Havodah where he writes about Hotzaas Zere Levatala. This was the first time I encountered such words and it dawned upon me that what I’m doing might not be permissible after all, in fact it might bury me in the Sheol Tachtis. I started to panic but had no one to talk to as I was a shy kid (still am). As time went on the Hisoreros wore off and I was back my old self just a little worse as being Over Bemaized though I still wasn’t 100% sure that what I’m doing is Osur. I had no idea about sex until I got married. (20 years old). Through my years I had ups and downs which there were times I stopped for a few months then came an urge which lasted a day or two until which I couldn’t hold myself back any longer. These urges would last for hours and wouldn’t let off no matter how hard I’d try to pass by it. Marriage did little or nothing to help.

B’H I have a good life nice and healthy parents, siblings, spouse and children, but still I’m not happy – satisfied, which I think is the main reason I’m having it so hard. It’s one big merry-go-round. Falling through because not happy – not happy because falling through. I would like to know if there is light at the end of the tunnel.

Thanks

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Webmaster replies and members answers

 

Thank your for contacting us. First of all, YES there is definitely light at the end of the tunnel. That is what we are here for. We will try and guide you through, until you are fully healed. There are two prerequisites to change though. 1) You must believe it is possible to change and 2) you must want to change very much. If you have these two, than you are ready to make the journey to full recovery.

 

In order to help you better, I need to understand what you are saying. Some things are not fully clear from what you wrote below.

 

1) Are you still being motzi Zera Livatala?

2) How often?

 

B"H I havn't been doing the actual zera levatala for the last few months. I have been Mekashe but I catch myself in the last minute by thinking I haven't done it for a few months don't kill it. I have been like this for the last 2 - 3 years. I control myself (of the actual Hotzaa) but then on day I wake up with an urge that doesn't let go for as long as I don't do it. It (the urge) could be pondering me for days until I just give up. I try changing thoughts, learning  but it just doesn't let go.

 

3) Are you using forbidden stimulation?

4) If yes, do you feel addicted to forbidden pictures?

 

Yes I do feel addicted to forbidden pictures and (online) movies. When I pass women I also feel an urge to look.

 

5) Why do you say marriage didn't help? Chaza"l say we need to appreciate our wives just for the fact that they save us from sin...

 

As an introduction I'm chasiddish. We use to be together twice a week then when our household became busier, only on shabbos and only if I don't go out. My wife is very Ehrlich she's doing a good job on not overdoing the V'El Isheich Teshikuseich. I think in our relationship it got mixed up. She goes out working, enjoys it but works hard and I... (lol). I do have a problem with the Divrei Pius. I don't exactly know what it is and I'm not very talkative especailly when it's a time as "OK now I get to say something uuuhhmm what should I say". I never said (maybe Friday afternoon) OK let me control myself and we'll be together tonight.

  

For a start, you may be able to learn some things from this story on our site.

 

Thanks! So you may be right. There is light at the end of the tunnel.

 

After you answer the above questions, I hope we can work with you through the many links on our site and you will make great progress G-d willing. Make sure to pray deeply to G-d that you should want to change and that he should give you the strength, and that we at guardureyes should be a Shaliach to help you. For at the end of the day, it's all G-d.

 

I've been davening and crying to Hashem all along. I think this is the only reason I'm able to control myself - when I do.

 

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Webmaster replies

 

The fact that you can go for months at a time without being Motzi Zera Livatala shows you have great strength and that you have come a long way. As far as an urge that won't go away, first of all it is a little strange. Usually, if you control yourself and get busy with other things, and then go to sleep or whatever, within a few hours it's gone - and you find yourself wondering why it seemed so hard before. But, if this happens to you at times when your wife is permitted, you should not hold back and wait until Friday night. Although Chaza"l say that the more you starve the Eiver, the less it needs - and that's 100% verifyable and true, still, we find in the Gemara and in Chaza"l many times that it is appropriate to be with one's wife in such situations. The Gemara tells of Rav Zeira who once got aroused from a woman who came to a din Torah by him (she lifted her sleeve) and he went home in middle of the din Torah to be with his wife. And Chaza"l say also how much we need to appreciate our wives, even if they are tough on us, since they "save us from sin". And the Ramba"m also says one should be with his wife if he feels an urge won't go away. Explain to your wife that you are a normal man and this is one of the Mitzvos of Hashem and the way Hashem created the world. You can show her this e-mail if it helps. Most woman want to be more with their husbands and just don't want to say it, so I don't think it will be so hard to work this out. For divrei Pius you can use compliments "I appreciate you so much, you work so hard". It is healthy to get used to these type of compliments, at all times, not just before being with the wife.

The first step to breaking free of forbidden images is to distance yourself from stimulating material. You must get a fool-proof internet filter and give the password to someone you trust not to give it to you. See here for many options and advice. You can also use vows to help distance yourself from the things you feel might bring you to fall. See today's Chizuk list (#238 here).

See our FAQ page and read through the tips on the site. You will find so many helpful ideas and advice. Read a new tip each day, and you will make great progress. Join the Chizuk list and maybe even the anonymous telephone hotline...

I am confident that your Teffilos will be accepted. Keep davening to Hashem for help. Habo Litaher, Misayin Lo.

Kol Tuv.

 

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Two weeks later, this same member wrote on our forum to another struggler...

 

Hi crakerjak,
 
I'm also in this battle. Don't let a downfall make you fall down. The first downfall is after a week I'm sure now you'll be able to go for longer. Last time I fell through after 5 months now I'm up to six months and I haven't done it. Remember, we might lose a battle but we are going to win the war.

Together we are stronger and will be able to overcome our Yetzer Hora. I personally have seen major improvement since I joined the this forum and hope to join the hotline this coming week.