GuardUrEyes
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38 Years of Suffering
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Jack (not his real name) posted this on our Forum on his 8th day of sobriety.
Click here for Jack's inspiring journey to the 90 day milestone!

When i was 11, i had my first orgasmic experience. i am now 49. since that time, I've been unable to stop with that activity. the pleasure involved was so intense, that i was hooked. i did it every chance i could get. there were no other people involved, just myself. my friend and neighbor had all this stuff- movies, books, etc. i was not brought up in a religious home, and even my father had stuff. when i became 18, i attended the x-rated movies. for the past 38 years, I've been unable to stop. somewhere around when i was 18, i became religious - but i couldn't give this up - it had become an addiction.2 weeks ago, i was looking at www.theyeshivaworld.com & found the popup for this site. i went in and found the most unbelievable thing I've ever seen - religious Jews talking about their sexual addiction. i couldn't believe my eyes. i wrote to eyes.guard & he wrote to me to post my story. i didn't want to at first, but i agreed to finally post it. i called the phone line last week, and spoke to elya k. i have since called him privately. if anyone thinks they can kick this addiction by just reading the shulchan oruch, you are mistaken. it is too powerful an addiction. you need support from caring people, who will not judge or criticize. you need people who understand your situation and are willing to help. these are the people i found on guardyreyes.com. if you are reading this, chances are you have a sexual addiction. if you do, you must heal! it is very important to get rid of this addiction, forgetting about halacha for a second. addictions are harmful, which may very well be the reason why halacha does indeed forbid it. halacha is for our protection - it is out for our good. but we wont listen to halacha if we have an addiction. i am amazed at what lengths the people go. more later jack.

i don't have internet at home, so i do this from the library and i only have half an hour at a time. and i wouldn't write this from work, where they might monitor what i write. so last week i was on the phone conference and the counselor on the line said that if someone goes for 90 days without a slip - this creates new neurons (right word?) in the brain. so, i believe her, and I'm shooting for the 90 day period of abstention. i am on the 8th day without a slip. i talk to elya k, who is a lifesaver, without him, i couldn't do it - it is much too difficult. if i know that i am going to speak to him that night when i get a chance, i can wait, and i put off my acting out. if he wasn't there, i would not be able to hold it in. thanks elya k, and thanks eyeguard for starting this. caring for fellow Jews is what we're all about - and these people take this obligation very seriously. imagine saying al chayt shechatanu lifanecha bevidas znus, and knowing full well in your heart that you're not going to stop, not because you don't want to, because we all want to do the right thing. the reason we can't stop is because it's an addiction. and the only way to stop is by knowing there are people that care. and so far, this has been what has kept me for 8 days, after 38 straight years of succumbing to temptation. i am shooting for 90 - maybe she's right.

 

 

Going back to the beginning before Jack began his journey to recovery, here is his first e-mail to us where he tells of his suffering and hopelessness...

 

I never told anyone this before - anonymity is great - we're using the Internet where people see bad things anonymously, now I'm telling my story to someone using the anonymity of the Internet - the macah became the refuah!


I am not from a religious home - my father was a Holocaust survivor and he abused me verbally. My mother wasn't a survivor but she also verbally abused me - i went to therapy for 21/2 years - my parents never knew that i went and they wouldn't understand anyway.


i had a friend who had porn - i was 11 years old. we used to play together. he showed me all sorts of stuff. luckily, i never sinned with a female. well, as soon as that first orgasmic experience happened, i couldn't stop. my father had a book in his night table which i read whenever he was away. and when i became 18, i attended the x-rated movies. then the porn became available everywhere - just everywhere! i didn't stop. i got married, and i didn't stop. especially because my wife didn't help the situation. she doesn't know the extent of it because i have no Internet at home - i listened to the psak that someone with kids shouldn't have the Internet. there are many other ways to feed this addiction. it's all over. i guess i have to feel how low i am, and not try to satisfy myself. I'm suffering. It is difficult. it's mamash like a drug addiction.

 

talking to you definitely helps. thanks again for listening.

 

 

Another e-mail from Jack...

 

All the people on your site are talmidey chachamim. they know all the chazal's, the torahs, etc. but it still doesn't help. why? because a disease has to be fought like all diseases - go to the doctor. The torah, i came to the conclusion, is for 'normal' people, people without addictions. First, i believe, we have to fight the disease, then the holy words of the torah can make their way in. right now, it is so difficult. last night, after 'talking' to you i felt so much better. i went home and listened to a soulful chassidic music tape. and i cried, i cried at how difficult a time i am having. and i felt happy that i beat it yesterday. but by this morning, rosh chodesh Elul, i was already thinking up ways that i could sin. For now, i just want to 'talk' to you, ok? You are doing me such a service - you are true chesed - without expecting anything in return.