discovered masturbation at about age 15, when a fellow yeshiva student
showed me smut. Before hand I had never even considered it at all, I had
never even thought of women. This went on for years, and every Rosh
Hashana I would swear that I would stop. When I got married I was
certain that I would find salvation, but I became even worse, convincing
my wife that she could even help me masturbate (when she was ASSUR to
me, or didn't want to be intimate) and that she was saving me from
AVERAH by the fact that she was involved (so it was "love"). This came
after a point when the Yetzer had already convinced me that there was no
possibility of abstinence, and I was sure that it was an impossible test
made up by some Rabbis, based on an obscure passage in the Torah. I only
used the computer to finish the job.
My Torah life, which was very dry and had no connection to Hashem,
slowly started to come alive through the very medium that all the Tumah
was coming through, and slowly Rebbe Nachman entered my life. Both me
and my wife loved hearing shiurim together and I was slowly becoming a
better person, husband and father, but I was still was living with the
conviction that masturbation was inevitable.
Shabbos, a friend of mine taught me about HITBOBEDUT (Torah 25 in the
second half of Likutai Moharan) and he admitted to me how he had once
spent time in front of the computer doing forbidden things. "You too?!!"
I asked. "But you're a big Tzadik!" He told me how he had been religious
on the outside but his inside was totally devoid of Hashem. He had gone
to Uman and begged to be cleaned, and at the point of our conversation
he was clean already 10 months.
this to heart and realized what was missing. I HAD NEVER EVEN CONSIDERED
ASKING HASHEM FOR HELP, I WAS TRYING TO FIGHT MY YETZER WITH A
PEA-SHOOTER. Over the next 3 days I cried out to Hashem until I felt
that I had nothing left in me. I called my friend and he said that I
should try learning Torah 282 (Likutei Moharan). After learning it, the
excitement was immense. I couldn't sleep till 3 AM, I had never felt so
high or positive in my life. At that point, I started to see incredible
help from above. I felt that I could beat it hands down. When I was
working on the computer and the pre-urge came about, I would leave the
computer and do Hitbodedut or make myself coffee. When I came back to
the computer, the urge was gone B"H.
I have since been trying to keep my eyes and thoughts clean (not easy),
and as both my wife and I become more connected to our Neshamos, we have
decided only to be intimate on Shabbat. It's not easy, but B"H it has
been already a year now.
Somehow though, I knew that the struggle would continue. I have been
abroad lately for over 3 weeks on matters of Parnasah. Hashem has taken
all parnasah from me and I am unfortunately returning home with nothing
for my family. At one point I discovered a certain fashion publication
(underwear) at the home of my hosts, and due to my Ye'ush (hopelessness
and despair) I found myself ready to go! I even started touching myself,
when I realized what I was doing! I would be cheating on my wife (it
doesn't matter that most people don't see self-pleasuring as cheating,
IT IS), and I would be cheating on Hashem, destroying a year's worth of
hard work for a second hand pleasure that would bring to more Ye'ush the
moment I cleaned up. I don't know what miracle saved me, but I have
since not allowed myself to be alone until I return home tomorrow.
humble experience, as a BENONI, we have not yet destroyed this urge. It
is only in check, and the more Torah you learn and the more you keep
away from it, the easier it becomes. But the best medicine is LE'HIYOT
BE'SIMCHA TAMID (to always remain happy) and connected to Hashem
Yitbarach. And if you are, the Yetzer Hara can't even get within your
Dalet Amot (4 cubits).
about one thing. Hashem always loves you and his people are always
around, just open your real eyes
and you'll be OK.