Guard Your Eyes

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Now What?

Taken from the Forum at

Written on Motzai Yom-Kippur

I died this Yom Kippur. these 24 hrs were defined by waves of shame, brokeness, anger, frustration, crying, it was a roller coster ride of emotion which was really a microsim of my internal life.
during neilah i saw everyone in the beit ha knesset during birkat choneim. the great grandfathers placeing the talit over his son, the son wrapping his arms around his sons, and his sona couvering his sons. i saw this, i saw many familes doing this and i wounderd how this would feel. i have never had this and probaly never will. i dont know....i says that one who confesses his sins and resolves never to do it again, he recieves forgivness. my question was, what about the guy who confessess, regrets and whishses he could resolve never to do it again, but knows the truth, that it will happen again, the he is powerless to control this? what about him? i don;tknow, i am at HaShems mercy.i have no answer to this. i was fighting eith my self during sharit. i know that i was running away, i was pushin HaShem away from me because of this afliction he has given me, and the i read a passuck "they honer me with their lips but distence them selves from me", i read this and though how right your are. i got up and left. this was somethign sincere. when the service was over i went home, i saw all the familes going home, i heared my neighbours with their familes breaking the fast, and i was alone, i am not feeling sorry for my self, i just dont know how to respond to these questions running through ky mind. i dofeel alone, but i know i am not, i dont want to kvetch, i dont want pitty, you reap what you sowe. it is a shame, all of this. i dont know.

Answers from the Forum

Your sincere remorse was certainly accepted by Hashem. To get out of the prison you are in, find someone to help. Follow his advice. Rabbis can be approached and often they can provide the help people need. If you don't have a Rabbi that fits this bill, someone who has been through the hell you are going through and found the path out can help you do the same. Follow his advice presicely, not turning to the right or left. You are in a maze without being able to see the path that leads out. Only someone who knows the maze and the right path can help you. Maybe someone from this Forum. Search out personal help and G-d will assist you. Just don't despair.


I know this all seems insurmountable. All our best thinking would tell us so. Don't let your own stinking thinking get in the way of what Hashem can and will do, if you let him. It's Hashem that runs the world ... not us.

It is from the broken-ness that we are revived and rebuilt ... by Hashem.

During the Birkat Kohanim the Kohanim talk of dreams. It is our own mis-interpretation of these subconscious messages that can be helped by a Rabbi.

We are told that the Kohanim help to speed our blessings. Another pasuk tells us that we "make" for us a Rabbi (teacher) and we "buy" a friend (with effort). Both are available, you just need to do your part. Yidden are there for each other, AS ONE, not the separate existence that we see on the surface.

May your simcha be restored by your surrounding connection to Hashem during the upcoming Sukkot Holiday.