Another Story of Addiction & Suffering
Taken from the Forum at www.jewishsexuality.com

I want to thank you all for highlighting the suffering that wives go through. Unfortunately I know this first hand, as someone who has given in to his porn addiction for most of my  marriage. My wife had 'caught' me once, years ago, in what I claimed was a one time incident, however I'm sure that through her intuition and the innate kedusha of her neshoma she knows that there's more to it. She feels no intimacy from me - how can she, when all of my being is tied up in this ever deepening struggle. I've turned distant, cold, and even emotionally abusive as a result of my actions. This is not the real me, but I feel powerless to go back and find my true loving, considerate self

I've also succumbed to the inevitable depression that results from the porn surfing, masturbation, and worse, that I've been a prisoner to. I always carry around guilt and the feeling that I will be found out for what I am and lose everything that I cherish and is most dear to me, my wife, kids, job, etc. The depression and anxiety led me to seek medical help and I am now on SSRIs. All this without once admitting to myself or anyone else that I have an addiction that I am a slave to.

Finally, very recently, I made the decision to break free from my self-imposed hell and totally and absolutely stop all the negative activities that have been slowly taking over my life. Yes, I am selfish - I want a normal life, a normal relationship with my wife and kids. The ability to get through a day of productive work without wasting hours surfing for porn and imbibing it's poison. I'm telling myself that the only way I can get through this is to do it for myself, my soul, and of course everyone else around me will benefit.

It's only been a very short time (days) but I am determined to make it work this time. I find this forum tremendously helpful in that I can confess to, and therefore face, the garbage I've subjected myself and my family to.

My wife and I have recently discussed internet filters 'for the kids' with the unspoken knowledge that I was the intended beneficiary.
There's a problem though that I'm seeking advice for. I suggested that we install a filter the only she had the password to, otherwise what's the point? The only problem is that she doesn't want to put into that position and would rather that some other arrangement be made. It's too painful a subject, she says, for her to be involved in, even in this way.

Does anyone have any idea of how I should proceed? Getting rid of the computer, which at this point only I have physical access to, isn't an option. The nature of my job requires access.

We're relatively young (in our low/mid 30's) and I hope that I'll be able to put this all behind me and lead a regular life together.