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The following stories were written by women who are/were married to porn addicts
Mainly taken from the Forum at www.jewishsexuality.com
See here for some advice to women dealing with these problems. Also, there are chapters in the SLAA books on partnerships which will help couples cope with this together in the most constructive way. Two suggested books are "Sex and Love Addiction (SLAA) Anonymous" and (2) "Cybersex Unhooked". Both are available here.
Click here for an inspiring story of recovery written by a non-Jewish couple. The wife of the addict tells the story from her point of view.
I was married for 4 years. The beginning was great but then things began to go bad. He started looking at pornography. We stopped having relations, which destroyed me, he stopped talking to me and his hate for himself turned on me. it go so bad that i thought i was going crazy, so bad was his hostility, his hatred for his affliction that i couldn't take it anymore so i took our daughter and left. 1.5 years later we got a divorce.
Four years down the road after the divorce and i have not seen such a wonderful father as my ex-husband. He has changed completely, a new person, out of himself and not in on himself, loving, kind, happy and the most important thing, not intense. He once said to me that his addiction was intensity everything else was the result of that. i asked him how did he change and he said, a lot of hard work, counseling, following the 12 steps, work, mussar, work and more work, forgiveness, work and work. He said he has been trying since the age of 12 to stop acting out, and the only thing that worked was understanding himself, 12 steps and work. We won't be getting back together but i respect him and think that my daughter is very lucky to have him as her father. Ladies, you must realize that it is an addiction, you must understand that an addict has only one way out and that is the 12 steps and hard work. If he wants to stop, he must take responsibility, and he may not so this until he hits rock bottom, what ever that means for each individual. But in the end, it is a commitment to the program and damn hard, honest work.
I caught my husband too. I told him, "Either the computer leaves the house or I do!" He tried to convince me that he would stop, but I held my ground. So he sold the computer and I still have my husband. That was five years ago. Now that they have filters, we agreed to buy a new computer "for the kids" but with the condition that only I know the filter's code so that the bad stuff won't be seen. I also made by husband have his employer download a filter for the computrs at the office where he works. It wasn't simple to convince them, and my husband wasn't happy about being the office "Boy Scout" ruining things for the rest of the guys, but he did it and I think he is proud of it now. So my advice is - be strong, girls - don't back down, don't take a passive victim attitude - if you want your man you have to fight for him, even if you have to scratch out the eyes of your computer rival and its harem of adulterous lovers.
I went through it too. I still am. I know what you feel. The humiliation is awful. You have to realize that your husband has a sickness, a terrible sickness that has no cure unless he is willing to make very big chances in his life which my husband has never been able to do. We stayed married because of the kids and because I don't want to start over again. When we make love I never know if he is thinking about me or some porn star but I try to tell myself that he is a mental cripple and not responsible for his sickness and I try to give him the love he needs to break away from his addiction which a psychiatrist has termed a need for love he didn't receive as a child. I pray a lot that God help the both of us. I have heard of success stories and I am hoping it will happen to us. If it is any help, you should know that there are thousands of betrayed wives out there like you and me who have lost all intimacy in their marriages because of the Internet. Be strong and God will help you too.
Written by a man, in regards to his wife and marriage...
I want to thank you all for highlighting the suffering that wives go through. Unfortunately I know this first hand, as someone who has given in to his porn addiction for most of my marriage. My wife had 'caught' me once, years ago, in what I claimed was a one time incident, however I'm sure that through her intuition and the innate kedusha of her neshoma she knows that there's more to it. She feels no intimacy from me - how can she, when all of my being is tied up in this ever deepening struggle. I've turned distant, cold, and even emotionally abusive as a result of my actions. This is not the real me, but I feel powerless to go back and find my true loving, considerate self
I've also succumbed to the inevitable depression that results from the porn surfing, masturbation, and worse, that I've been a prisoner to. I always carry around guilt and the feeling that I will be found out for what I am and lose everything that I cherish and is most dear to me, my wife, kids, job, etc. The depression and anxiety led me to seek medical help and I am now on SSRIs. All this without once admitting to myself or anyone else that I have an addiction that I am a slave to.
This story, written by a man about his recovery, highlights the very important role that a wife plays in the husbandís recovery by refusing to accept her husband's behavior and insisting that he change.