Elya K Posts on The Forum and Answers by E-mail
Elya K organized and monitors the Jewish Healing Group and Live Hotline. He has been active in 12 steps groups for internet addiction. He is also currently a sponsor for other people struggling in these areas and helps them through the recovery process. Here are some e-mails he's sent and posts he's made on our forum to strengthen people who are struggling with this addiction:
See here for some great e-mails and posts from Elya, in regards to how the Phone Conference Hot-line works and the importance of group support, the 12-steps, and the issues involved. See here for Elya answering Questions about the 12 Step Groups.
Dear (Anonymous),
If you have stopped acting out and are still anxious, realize that some of the anxiety you are experiencing is withdrawal. I'm sure you've heard of people on drugs who go to the treatment center and have to withdraw. It is a painful process. It will go away in a week or so, so accept it for what it is and call someone who understands, if you're feeling like acting out.
Once you're convinced of powerlessness, you are on the road to recovery. Even if you slip in the future, you will never go back to the same spot, you're always on a higher level and it becomes easier to snap back into recovery.
You need to be happy. One of the ways is to spend some time for YOURSELF doing something you enjoy that is HEALTHY, like learning. You are very lucky to have a supportive wife, because people I know here often struggle with wives who are constantly badgering them about what they are doing and where they are going.
There is also a chapter in the SLAA book on partnerships which will help you and your wife cope with this together. I promise you if you stick with it, your relationship will improve and you'll begin to view sex as the holy union the Torah meant for it to be. What I'm saying is, love is not defined by sex. Sex is merely one way to show it.
One more thing and I'll stop preaching. Think of it like this. In order for you to get better, you have to become a KLI (vessel) that is clean and pure for Hashem to bestow his blessing upon you and make you worthy of his help in fighting the Yetzer Hara. This means you're powerless over this addiction BUT you're also powerless over the economy, the politics, your job, etc. This is what Hashem has given you right now and to me. If you survived 10 years in Kollel, you can make through this also. The economy will get better. Your lack of work does not ENTITLE you to act out. It's just like walking down the street and passing by McDonald's. The Gemorah says, you're supposed to think, I would love a cheeseburger, but Hashem told me to keep Kosher, not I don't like cheeseburgers.
Live for the moment, one day at a time. One minute at a time. When you're not upset over the past and not worrying about the future, you are at peace and that is always the goal. There will be challenges and you have to find other avenues to meet them.
Take responsibility for you actions, but do not blame yourself or judge yourself. Leave that up to Hashem.
And here are some excerpts from a discussion on our Forum between "Frumthinker" and "Elya K":"Frumthinker" writes:
I came across this site today, and I felt compelled to make some comments here. I won't say that I am very far along with controlling my own addiction - far from it. I just want to share some thoughts that help me with this challenge, and hopefully will help someone else too. I was raised in a conventional frum environment - right wing yeshiva, top-level high school, night college with learning half a day. I *never* was able to control myself in this area. I won't go through the details of my cycles of guilt before Rosh Hashana & Yom Kippur, and the inevitable slipping immediately after. We've all been there.
When I am tempted (which I am every day), I try to think of how I will feel after wasting *countless* hours masturbating to Internet porn. How well will I do my job the next day? Just recently, I was on a business trip. I was exhausted when I arrived, but I still spent 3-4 hours online in my hotel room. Imagine how it was to wake up the next morning! This has happened to me many times!
Also, try adding up all the hours you spent, and think about something you could have learnt or done in that time. And I'm not even talking about Torah learning, although that would be great. You could have learnt to play the guitar, a new language, some area of your work that you could study in more detail, or read something on a totally different field that might make you a more interesting person. Just do something more useful!
I welcome your feedback!"Elya K" Responds:
Welcome Frumthinker. It's easy to tell you what to do, but until you experience sobriety for awhile you will never get to feel the joy of serenity. I've told many people on and off this forum to get blocks for their computer. They cry to me that they have to stop and ask me "what can I do?". But when I recommend they put a block on their computer their answer is "No, I'm not ready for that".
There are chemical imbalances in the brain caused by watching porn on the internet. If you don't believe it, explain to me why it is so hard to stop. And why are there are withdrawal symptoms where you actually shake and sweat? But psychologically, when you know you don't have access, you forget about it eventually. I'm not saying you will never think about it, but the block is a great tool... an essential tool... to help you heal and get better.
The proven twelve step approach is actually a quest for spirituality. This is a disease of "lack of spirituality". You're constantly looking outside of yourself for validation, acceptance, companionship... for intimacy. But true intimacy is sharing everything, not hiding it from those you love. How long do you want to continue living a lie, to keep covering up everything you do so your wife won't find out? Eventually she will and then it will be too late. Get some counseling and your counselor or a sponsor/friend will help you and let you know when it is safe to tell your wife. Once you do that, it will release your mind and jet you on the way to recovery.
More posts from Elya...
One thing that works is during Tefillah, instead of asking Hashem for all the things YOU want, thank HIM for all the things HE has done for you lately, like giving you a day without acting out. Keep doing this every day and you will see and feel the results of calm and serenity. When you're calm and serene, living in the present moment, instead of being angry or ashamed of your past and worrying about the future, you will not act out.
There are two approaches to this. One is, like you say, the frummy approach, quoting divrei torah and admonishing us for wasting seed. The other is the twelve step (proven) approach which is actually a quest for spirituality. This disease is a disease of lack of spirituality. You're constantly looking outside of yourself for validation, acceptance, companionship... for intimacy. True intimacy is sharing everything. How long do you want to continue living a lie, to keep covering up everything you do so your wife won't find out?
Eventually she will and then it will be too late. Get some counseling and your counselor or a sponsor/friend will help you and let you know when it is safe to tell. It will release your mind and jet you on the way to recovery.
The sefer Cheshbon Hanefesh is an excellent resource and good program to work on your middos. Again, the Taiva is only our reaction to some underlying spiritual flaw that we still have. Once you work on that midda, whether it be anger, being scared, loneliness, arrogance, sadness, it gets better. Just the act of writing it out or speaking about it cleanses us, as if it leaves the body.
Many group therapy sessions that deal with this, use a technique called psycho-drama. Each person plays a role like in a play. One person does his "work". Another is your higher power (Hashem), another is usually a parent or someone who you have resentments towards. Another might be someone playing your addiction. Each person plays his/her role to bring up the emotions of the person "working" When this happens floods of emotions are released - crying, anger, screaming, etc. Things that are not proper to do to the person who may have abused us, but nevertheless, doing it privately or with people you trust is very healing.
In fact, I've been in therapy for over 25 years, on and off and this form is the quickest. I've broken through so many barriers just within one year, using this method.
Most certified sex addiction counselors are trained in some of these methods.
When we're not doing what we enjoy, we get bored and look for outside stimulation. The cause, according to Patrick Carnes, is usually some type of childhood trauma which has never been dealt with. This trauma reappears subconsciously and we create a bond with the trauma. Until you release this bond we will suffer. Trauma does not mean a head injury. It can mean emotional abuse, physical, sexual or even intellectual. Have you ever had a Rebbe that told you, you were a no good, idiot who is never going to amount to anything. Or people that shun you because you wear a different type of yarmulke? Or have you ever been told that your mother is going to burn in hell because she does not wear a shaitel? I've heard all of these things either to me or to my friends when I was growing up. So I have to look outside myself now for validation. If my parents never told me I was worth anything and my teachers told me I was dumb and worthless, where am I going to get validation? The girl at the other end of the chat line, that's where!!! Or worse, a prostitute or an affair, etc.
It's important to know the reason. Awareness is the first step to recovery.. Congratulations for taking that step. And please get one of Carnes books. He also has workbooks.
There is an axiom in nature which says, "What you resist, persists." If you keep trying to push thoughts of a woman out of your mind, it will persist. I know because I have a love addiction and thought about a business acquaintance for over 2 years. Finally, I accepted the fact that these thoughts came into my mind as natural, let them pass and went about my business, until now they don't rear their ugly head. Well, maybe once or twice a year.
Women are not the enemy, the yetzer harah is the enemy. Please remember that. You have to set boundaries, just like we set boundaries in Yiddishkeit so we don't do aveiros.
There is no such thing as failure. We believe in progress, not perfection. Every time you are able to overcome the Yetzer Horah, even for one day, one hour, you are on a higher level and when you slip, your slipping is a lesson that you still have midos to work on. I have fear of success and everytime i get really close to being good for a period of time, or I'm working on a major deal and I'm just about to get it, I'll do something stupid and jeapordize my success. Each time you slip you are on a different level of understanding and this gets you closer to your goal of serenity, freedom and healing.
You feel good, it's after Yom Tov and you're high spiritually, then that voice comes in and says, HEY YOU'RE not supposed to be happy, you need some more exotic excitement in your life and you give in. We've all done it.
Yes, it's a cunning and baffling addiction. But doing productive things after work is a good thing, as long as their also have some form of spirituality or give you a sense of accomplishment when you complete them. It's a lot more difficult when you're single. That's why I would recommend getting a partner to hold you accountable, a sponsor you can call and just talk every day after work, and when you feel
like acting out.
In our phone group, people have been on for a month now and maybe 1 out of 8 people has had a slip.
It's a very powerful method to help you. You have to willing to take the first step and begin. You won't make a fool of yourself because no one judges you or gives you advice. You just talk it out, then the next person talks it out. Problems are solved later privately. Listening to others is also powerful.
Do yourself a favor and get these two books. They will open your eyes, mind and ears to what has happened and why you continue this action - because of the abuse. One is "Betrayal Bonds" by Patrick Carnes. The other is "Healing the Shame" by John Bradshaw.
Anyone who has been though, sexual, physical, emotional or intellectual abuse, do yourself a favor and get them today. What's intellectual abuse? When you ask a rebbi or teacher a question like "why" do we do that and the response is , "don't worry about why, just do it, don't ask such stupid questions. that's intellectual abuse. Sound familiar. In my high school, kids were told that if their mother didn't wear a shaitel she would burn in hell. Again, abusive. So many young people have turned away from Yiddishkeit from this type of abuse and it is rampant today in our society.
In response to someone starting the journey on the forum
Thanks for sharing. It takes a lot of guts to expose yourself like that, but it's actually the first step to getting better. I relate to everything you've said. I've been addicted all my life and
it got MUCH worse since he Internet about 9 years ago. Since then, I have been sober for at least 3 years, slipping occasionally.
This is not going to go away by itself. It will never go away. You have an addiction which is a disease and you must treat it as such. It gets progressively worse so its best to stop it now, before you end up doing worse things with live people or even illegal things and end up in prison. I'm just giving you the facts and experiences of people I know with this illness. Eventually the magazines will not be enough and the internet wont be enough, you'll have to have more and more excitement.
The Guard Ur Eyes site has everything you need to educate yourself. Awareness is the first step to recovery.
This is a spiritual disease of intimacy.. Once I stopped, my relationship with my wife improved 100 fold. This is not about sex. You're just masturbating to cover up and ease the hurt and low self esteem you feel inside. Am I right or wrong? Once you stop you begin to explore the root of what is causing this. Most of the time there is childhood trauma involved.
And you've been keeping it a secret from them and your wife for so many years. Lots of secrets, hiding, lying doesn't make for a very calm life, does it?
Find a counselor that specialize in sex addiction today. Put a block on your computer, today, if you're really serious about stopping. This will help tremendously. Pray to Hashem to help you stop but ALSO thank HIM for all the goodness he has given you. Children, wife, life itself, no matter how miserable, you're still alive. Ask yourself before you want to masturbate, "Who Am I?" How Will I feel after I do this? What are the consequences of my actions?
Start here and let me know how you've doing each day.
I will tell you from 8 years of experience in Goyish 12 step groups that I discuss more about G-d and fixing my character traits with these people than any of my friends. Everyone in my circles is so focused on Halacha but no one really talks about do we really give our lives and trust over to Hashem in our everyday life or not?
Yes, we go through the motions. Put on our tefillin, daven three times a day, but with how much Kavanah? Most shuls I've been to are rushing to finish in 30 minutes, or on Shabbos go to the early minyan, so they won't Chas V'sholom have to listen to a Rav speak about bettering yourself! Then we wonder why we have no spirituality in our lives. Not you, me and the whole world.
Rabbi Twersky says you should still go to 12 step meetings. It's just your addiction who is warning you not to go. If you're even discussing it with your wife, that's a wonderful thing and you will get better because of her support. I will also tell you that while sometimes women in the group can be triggering, you also learn how the other side feels. We cannot completely shut ourselves off from the outside world. You are going to see other women sometimes during the rest of your life. Sobriety will teach you how to look for 3 seconds, turn your eyes away, accept it and move on.
Accept the fact that you have an addiction - a disease of connection to intimacy.
One thing which is vitally important, and I hope others will bear me out on this, is the need to share and talk to others, not only on this forum. Talk about how you feel, and give others hope and strength. It's important to talk to Hashem and "Let Go and Let G-d". It's also important to be a member of a group and start to make new friends who you feel comfortable with, sharing.
As addicts we isolate ourselves, thinking no one would like us anyway, IF THEY ONLY KNEW. But in actuality, our addiction is a blessing in that we're striving to perfect ourselves and our midos, while others swim in the pool of indifference.