I came across a Tosfos Yom Tov in Avos which I would like to share with you.
(אבות ה"ה)
One of the
Nisim that occurred during the time of the Bais Hamikdash was that the Kohen
Godel never had to be replaced by a different Kohen during Yom Kippur
because he became a Baal Keri. The question is, that since the Kohen was
placed in a special room seven days before Yom Kippur which there he would
be B’Keduasha Ub’Tahara as seen in Meseches Yuma then why should he become
a Baal Keri? On this the Tosfos Yom Tov (Bshem Midrash Shmuel) answers that
the Yetzer Tov and the Yetzer Hora are fighting a big battle and when the
Yetzer Hora sees he’s losing, just as we see many dying men right before
they die they strengthen themselves and start talking as a healthy man so
the Yetzer Hora strengthens himself with all his might and could bring the
Kohen to become a Baal Keri.
From this we see that falling is a sign of a falling Yetzer Hora
and a strong you/us.
Don't let a downfall make you fall down. The first downfall is after a week I'm sure now you'll be able to go for longer. Last time I fell through after 5 months now I'm up to six months and I haven't done it. Remember we might lose a battle but we are going to win the war.
I know just how you feel. Try to think that it's all blown up stuff, there is nothing there. Remember the good days?! Imagine how close to Hashem you'll feel on Rosh Hashana and Yom Kippur and everyday now that you're working on yourself. You're doing a great job! Keep it up! I once heard that while you're in a Nisoyon and you hold yourself back it's a big Es Rotzon. I'm sure you have a whole list to ask from Hashem. Ask away!