xWhy should this time be any different? But it is.

This is my story. I sit down to write this and my mind aches, not only because it's hard to transform these thoughts into words but also because there is a spiritual pain. And I struggle to recall when it all began…

For as long as I can remember, I would pleasure myself. I was only a child at first and had no idea that what I was doing was wrong and so I did it – it felt good. I think it was around my bar mitzvah that I started to realize that I was perpetrating a grave sin. But as you all know, by then I was hooked and it was too difficult to stop. Magazines. "Regular" movies. I would use anything that had a picture of a woman in it to arouse myself and masturbate. Around my 16th birthday, I decided to try to stop (I didn't even try to stop before then). I just assumed that if I put my mind to it I would be able to stop –I prided myself on self-control and couldn't understand how someone could really be addicted – that he is not in control of his actions (this is not to say that a person is not responsible for his actions). It didn't work. At first I would give myself one more week to do all the wrong that I could imagine, then I would allow myself one more month. My 17th birthday came and went. 18. 19. There were times that I actually was able to stop for up to a month at a time but then I would fall right back into the yetzer harah's clutches. With Hashem's help, sometime after my 19th birthday, I was able to stop. If only. I did not masturbate for over a year and the desire to do so, for the most part disappeared. But not completely. Every so often an insatiable urge would creep up on me. I don't remember the exact circumstances but eventually I succumbed. The depression that I felt at that time was indescribable. This was usually how it was – a couple of minutes of pleasure and then a day of remorse until the next time I had any slight urge. But this time I was actually clean for a year. It spiraled downward from there. I always watched inappropriate TV and movies but there are levels of inappropriateness, and up to that point I had never actually seen a completely undressed woman. That quickly changed. Fist it was only an R rated movie from Blockbuster but with the advent of wireless internet, progression was quick. I bought a laptop for college/work (even when I bought it, my main intentions were to have the ability to watch movies where "no one" can see me). As much as I try to forget, I can still remember my first encounter with actual pornography. I myself never purchased internet because I could never excuse the need for it and so how would I explain it to my parents? But my new laptop was able o pick up someone else's signal. In my mind, actual porn was still strictly off limits. But it started very innocently – only with google. I just wanted to see cool pictures. But one link led to the next. Before I knew it, I was on websites I would have never dreamed I would be capable of visiting. But even this was not enough. The internet connection was weak and it could not keep up with my growing desires. Because, as you all know, that is how it works. I think that I will just look at this and that it won't progress to the next level – but it always does. I was scared of people but not of Hashem and so I still did not dare to buy my own internet because my parents could find out. I did not dare to go to any adult movie store by the outskirts of my neighborhood – because what if someone saw me go in? But the yetzer harah has his ways. I was driving home and my exit was closed and so I was led through some obscure detour. I was in middle of nowhere and right in front of me there was a movie store. Money was tight but I had no qualms spending 50$ for a couple of dvds. I eventually found other stores to go to and each one was at least a 20 minute drive. I was busy with school and time was precious but the yetzer harah was too strong. I suffered the consequences. I wasted hundreds of hours and hundreds of dollars. I was in a constant state of depression for I knew exactly what Chazal has to say about this addiction. Eternal hell. Cut off from the Jewish People. Creation of millions of Mazikim. My eyes deserved to be gouged and my hands to be cut off. But I could not stop. Months went by. The months turned into years. By this time, I felt that I was already lost and so why not continue masturbating? I might as well, I had nothing to lose. I knew these thoughts were foolish but in my skewed logic, it made sense. But there was still hope. Hashem does not forsake his children and although I wasn't sure if I could still be called Hashem's child I could not go down without a fight. I still harbored thoughts of repentance. I was still trying desperately to stop, but it was only a flicker in the back of my mind. I felt that I was on the fringe and that a final decision for what I want my life to be was approaching. I felt that in the coming weeks, my eternal life would be decided; one way or the other. And then I remember reading somewhere about this website. I had hoped that Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur would be enough to stop me but it wasn't (I obviously did not learn from my mistakes). I finally ventured to this website and what I saw amazed me. I never realized that other people were going through the same thing that I was. When I read story after story of my life – just in other people's words – I was astounded. Other people had this addiction. And other people were able to overcome it. I took it upon myself to stop looking at porn and masturbating once and for all.

The feelings that I have as I write this are overwhelming. NEVER have I been able to share ANY of my hidden life with ANYONE. But now I find myself baring my soul. I feel inspiration and hope. But I also feel trepidation. I stopped on October 15th – the second day of Sukkos (better then than later) but will I be able to stay clean? After all, I had attempted to stop hundreds of times before. Why should this time be any different? But it is different. Because now I have help. There is guardureyes.com. Just by reading posts I feel inspired. There are people who accomplished what I once thought was impossible. People who have went through what I went through have taken back control of their lives from the yetzer harah. My user name is "we will not be forsaken." Hashem will never forget us and will accept us with open hands if we return to Him. I have walked this road a thousand times and for a thousand times I have achieved the same results. But in all the previous times, I entered the war with the same weapons that have failed me in every previous battle. Not this time. With Hashem's help, this will be the final time I have to walk down this path.

I come from a very religious orthodox family, a very religious community, and went to very frum yeshivas and Bais Medrash. Israel as well. There is so much more to tell but it is long enough already. I hope that I will be successful and that consequently I owe you my life.

Signed,

A

I affirm that everything that I wrote above is true to the best of my knowledge.