I Really Struggled

Taken from the Forum at www.jewishsexuality.com

Some background -
I am a religious orthodox person who has grown up with religious (frum) education, social circle but tragically fell victim to internet pornography at about 16 years of age.

Two years of yeshiva, followed by further education and until recently, I really struggled with internet pornography.

I am a very sensitive and spiritual person. I also have many good qualities and have seen many wonderful opportunities and employment taken away from me - as a consequence to low self esteem and low of confidence that has resulted from pornography. It has been so severe that I have twice become depressed and suffered mental anguish and pain.

However, in hindsight, these are some of the moments that now give me the greatest strength and source of comfort in terms of STRENGTH and DETERMINATION.

I always felt that I had inner power, but truth be told I did not understand what such qualities (and blessing) strength and determination really were...until now.

For many years the temptation of internet pornography were to strong to resist on a weekly if not daily basis. I often think about the quantity and quality of time that could have been better spent, in addition to the waste of holy seed. I always made an effort to correct my ways but grew complacent.

Through light meditation and heart felt prayer on a regular basis I was able to slowly but surely intensify both personal power and decision making ability to recover from this problem. This became a habit that possessed my for many years, day and night - but I knew that G-d, Hashem (Bless His Name) wanted me (like He does every one of his people) to correct my misdeeds and recover from a temporary sickness.

Internet pornography may be difficult to resist, but my personal story and reflection PROVES that any person CAN and MUST gain confidence in him or herself and increase oneself in EMUNAH (belief) through light meditation and prayer.

Baruch Hashem I am now able to honestly, and with dignity, say that I feel ready, strong, healthy (emotionally and mentally) and perfectly close to Hakadosh Barach Hu to pray for and PLEASE G-D be blessed with a suitable
women to marry under the chupah.

May Hakadosh Barach Hu bless you and grant you success and energy in your endeavors and effort in teshuva shalema.