Elya K Posts on The Forum and Answers by E-mail
Elya K organized and monitors the Jewish Healing Group and Live Hotline. He has been active in 12 steps groups for internet addiction. He is also currently a sponsor for other people struggling in these areas and helps them through the recovery process. Here are some e-mails he's sent and posts he's made on our forum to strengthen people who are struggling with this addiction:
Here is an e-mail Elya sent to someone who just joined the group.
Welcome to the group.
Here is a document for your reading and reference during the calls. (Right-click and press "save-as")
If possible, if you're not working or can take off this hour it would be helpful, so you can talk and share. That's what helps you get better. Let me know.
The survey needs to be filled out and faxed directly to Zeva (certified counselor) Her fax is: 845-354-2210. Fax one to me also at 901-881-1056 for record keeping. Everything is kept in the strictest of confidence.
We meet every Tuesday night at 9 p.m. Eastern Time.
The call in number is 712-429-0700
They will ask you for your PIN which is _________ (Please request the PIN from either Elya K or the guardureyes webmaster)
The calls are $10. The reason we charge is because we have a certified counselor in this area on the line and we want to make sure people are committed to showing up on a regular basis.
You can call me and give me a credit card number or mail a check to my address. Most people pay for 5 to 10 calls at a time. Let me know what is more convenient for you.
The group is run in a semi formal way. I will moderate and we usually go around the room and introduce ourselves, and give our stories if its your first time (if you're comfortable). Nothing is forced on anyone. Then we go around and people get current on what's happened good or not so good during their week. There is no cross talking or advice giving during the call. That is done with a sponsor or friend.
I will bring up a topic and Zeva will speak to us and give us exercises to help us cope, answer questions about this issue, etc.
We end with the serenity prayer
Here is an e-mail Elya sent to someone who had joined the conference once and wanted to know who "Zeva" was and other questions....
Hi, this is Allan, moderator of the group you were on last night. Do you have the materials yet? (Right-click and press "save-as") The reason for the form and the cost is that Zeva is a certified counselor and if she's counseling people she needs information. You don't have to put your last name, we just need first name and your city and the rest of the form.
Zeva is one of 2 frum accredited sex addiction therapists in the country. If you've been going to regular psychs and counselors who are not trained in sex addiction, you will not get help. Zeva is frum and counsels hundreds of frum people all over NY area, from Chassidim to White Kepas, etc. Zeva has the most experience with the frum community than anyone in the country.
I personally go to a Jewish sex addiction counselor who is not frum. She has literally saved my life.
There is one 12 step group now that is frum at Maimonides Hospital. Call this number: 917-586-0970. This is Yoli and he will tell you who to get in touch with. (I just don't know myself, or I would tell you).
12 step groups are the key to recovery. Not just showing up but TALKING. Getting the shame, fear and resentments out of your mouth and your body. I'm in the south. There is no frum groups. I've been going for 9 years to groups with men, women, mostly Goyim. Rabbi Twersky says it is OK and I can tell you from personal experience that these people will respect you and your religion and you have nothing to worry about. That's my experience and I live right smack in the Bible Belt !!!!
Get a sponsor and do the steps. Our group on Tuesday night is helping everyone on that call last night. It's only been on for 2 months and 90% have 5-8 weeks of sobriety. These are people that have been acting out for over 20-30 YEARS.
Other avenues are any books by Patrick Carnes. Vital.
The SLAA website at http://slaaws.org.
If you're really struggling and can't stop, you may need to go to a treatment center for a week or two. But only a certified sex addiction counselor should evaluate you and tell you.
The best thing you can do right away is talk to someone about this and get clear in your mind what you're up against, why and the hope we give you....
Guard Eyes is in Israel. I'm in the States. Monday nights I have a hotline that people can call and talk. You can call it anytime, even tonight and if I'm home we'll talk, or leave a message and I'll call you back. See this page for more details.
One more thing, you're very lucky to learn about this so early in life. I'm 57 years old and have had the problem on and off all my life, but known what it was for only the past 9 years. I went to counselors for 25 years and they don't have a clue. You can beat this. It gets A LOT easier, I promise.
In response to someone on the forum who felt so hopeless that he wanted to skip Rosh Hashana and Yom-Kippur this year...
Dear hopeless,
These other people on the forum have happy endings because they've either been on this forum for awhile or been on the Tuesday night calls. Miracles are happening every day.
There is no ending this addiction. It will always be there. But once you're sober it gets much easier. Only by asking Hashem for help can you get better. BUT before you do that, you must become a pure KLI (vessel) that can accept the help. You've taken the first step here by telling your story. The next step is to admit (which you have) that you are powerless over this and your life has become unmanageable. Then ask Hashem to help you.
Therapists will not be able to help you UNLESS they are certified and trained sex addiction therapists. For a complete list in your area go to: http://sash.net.
There is no reason to be hopeless. Ask your therapist if you need depression medication - seriously.
Next: Get to an SLAA group or SA group tonight - right away - and get someone to be a temporary sponsor. even someone on this forum. Someone to actually talk to, to educate you on what is really going on.
Rabbi Abraham Twerski, the renowned alcohol and drug addiction specialist recommends 12 step groups. Even if they are with women, in a church or on the moon. It is vital. I can tell you from 9 years of experience with goyish 12 step groups (even some in churches) that you'll be surprised at how accepting people will be of you.
You are now among a select group of people who share an illness. If you had cancer, G-d forbid, would you skip Rosh Hashana and Yom Kippur? I don't think so. You'd pour your heart out and sincerely do Teshuva. No it's not going to be easy. We in some respects are all on a higher level than your typical Jew out there. Even frum Jew. The Torah says, " Don't pat yourself on the back for your successes and say, now that I'm successful I will walk the path I want." most people have this attitude and don't take any of this seriously. But we are searching for help and sincerely want to stop - and that's what Hashem wants - SINCERITY. Rachmana Liba Boi.
So pick yourself up and stand tall, go into RH with a written essay of this past year of despair. Get it out on paper and resolve in this Cheshbon Hanefesh to do better next year. Sheva Yipol Tzaddick V'Kom (7 times a Tzaddik falls and gets up). A Tzaddik is a person who falls and gets up, not a perfect angel who people think have been geniuses from the womb.
If you want to talk before Rosh Hashana, the hotline will be open all day Sunday. That goes for anyone reading this message. See this page for more details.
In response to someone who expressed fear that joining the hotline would be bad for them, since they would hear things that people did that perhaps they hadn't even thought of...
I spoke with my certified counselor today, not Zeva (Michelle) and she said that it is still a good idea because, by joining the call, they can see how far this takes a person and be thankful that they are getting into recovery early before they have to hit bottom by doing something more serious, or even arrested. She said it is a common question people have. Some people are triggered by it, but the benefits outweigh the risk.