A Cry for Help from a Desperate Soul

 

Hi. I am a woman and desperate. Since requesting your help, the Yetzer Hara has worked overtime to destroy me!  Please, please help me. I can’t keep fighting any more. The only thing in my life of any real importance is a close relationship with my Tatte in Shamayim. The more I fall, the further I get from him. I’m dying of loneliness and have no where to turn. Married 24 years with 8 kids doesn't help, only makes the guilt worse.

Dear Jewish soul,   You have come to the right place. We will do our best to help you and you will find here much support and great tips and strategies.    Sign up for the forum, it can be a great help to have group support… But since you are a woman, we ask that you use only the "Woman's Forum" over here.   You would find "Miri's" thread very inspiring. See Miri's thread here. Read through all 8 pages of her thread, you will find much encouragement and that it is possible to break free of this.   See also the following FAQ pages which were written for women: http://www.guardureyes.com/GUE/FAQ/FAQFW6.asp http://www.guardureyes.com/GUE/FAQ/FAQFW4.asp http://www.guardureyes.com/GUE/FAQ/FAQFW7.asp   You can also read through the other women's threads on the women's forum to find more advice, tips and Chizuk.   But most importantly, see this post and download the two GYE handbooks.   You say "you can't keep fighting anymore". Well, on our website you will learn how to stop fighting and give over your struggle to Hashem. You will also learn how to "side-step" the lust instead of fighting it head-on. It is far to strong for us to fight it. You will learn all the techniques of how NOT to fight it :-)   Secondly, you mention boredom. This is a big issue and must be dealt with. We have a Kosher Isle section on our site that could help, especially ideas on this page, but boredom is often a symptom of underlying emotional issues. People that grow up emotionally healthy find things that interest them (without looking at others or trying to meet unreasonable expectations) and naturally develop the internal motivation to pursue them.  So they're not bored very often.   Have you ever considered therapy? Have you ever considered joining an SA or an SLAA  12-Step group? They are known to work wonders. The worst addicts succeed in turning their whole lives around.   May Hashem be with you!

IY"H, you will be the lifeline I have so desperately asked Hakadosh Baruch Hu to send me. You are so right that the fight is too strong; I have been alone in gehenim for close to 30 years! I have often davened for Hashem to save me and take me from this world. Al I want is the zchus to 'sit on his lap', but because of my addiction, even this will be denied me when my time comes. I know for a fact that I will have a harsh olam haemes which doesn't bother me. My pain stems from the busha I will rightfully suffer in front of all I admire, and most of all, the knowledge that Hashem is disappointed in me.   You misread my email; I wrote loneliness, not boredom. BH I have many interests.    I would love to find a therapist to speak to, but as a kollel wife, financially there is no way.   May Hakadosh Baruch Hu shower you with His brachos, and may He always keep you on the giving side!   Tizku l'mitzvos, me

You are being too harsh on yourself. This is a disease. You are ill and trying to get better, you are not a "bad" person trying to get "good"... Please read the Attitude Handbook. You have begun your journey to a new you.    We will be here to help you, but I want to ask you to commit to one thing. Are you willing to put as much time into recovery as you put into your addiction? If yes, Hashem will surely be there to help you. It will take time, but you will start to internalize the secrets of beating this. Read both handbooks, read the threads on the forum, put the time spent on bad in the past into recovery now - and you WILL succeed.   You mention you can't afford speaking to a therapist, well here's one great FREE idea, for both the U.S and Israel... http://www.guardureyes.com/GUE/hotline/Hotline.asp   Hashem put you in this situation for a reason. He knew that through this struggle you would become a much greater person and learn how to give him your heart. And for his, it will have all been worth it in the end. You will yet sit on Hashem's lap. Perhaps higher up than most other women. But that is only if you use this struggle in the way it was intended. We will help you with this.   In our community, you will never feel "lonely" again.

I will register to the forum immediately.   Thank you for your prompt response. PLEASE don’t leave me, I have no more koach alone. I appreciate your responding to me even though I am a woman.   I am fighting self pleasuring and the assur fantasizing which goes along. I seek out porn sites and books but not often. I have never been physically fulfilled by my husband (24 years!). I grew up modern orthodox, and had friends who were boys, but BH was always shomrei negia. Hakadosh Baruch Hu has saved me from myself countless times; preventing situations which I myself was unable / unwilling to withstand.   Eve finding your site is another sign of His love - Jerusalem Post ran an article about it which I read.   At this point though, I find myself dreaming of running off to Tel Aviv and heading to the mixed beach or bar. I stand closer than appropriate to strangers (men) and have RECONNECTED TO OLD BOYFRIENDS. Even worse, none of them are frum any more and all are divorced! I am falling so far, and so fast.     Please excuse typos etc. I am crying so hard that everything is blurred. May Hashem have rachmanus where none is deserved.

I have tears in my eyes from your letter. I feel your pain so strongly. We all know what it is like. I believe that the Yetzer Hara was making you fall faster than normal recently, because he knew you were about to find our site and he was making a last ditch effort to get you.   The common denominator of all the behaviors you describe is an addiction to "Lust" and "love". You might find true salvation in an SA or SLAA group in your area, which are free. As you heal, you will begin to feel Hashem's infinite love for you. You have to stop feeling despised and far from Hashem. Understand that He put you in this situation so you can grow close to Him. It is all a game He is playing with you. A game of "Hide and Seek". A Game of lovers.  P.S. You mention your husband never pleasured you. This is a common problem amongst Chareidim, who were never taught about this. Are you in Israel? There is a Chareidi therapist in Har Nof who specifically addresses this issue. He put out a series of CDs to teach the husband what to do and how to show genuine affection and love towards the wife. He teaches them as well, how to pleasure the wife. I highly suggest going to him, at least once. And then your husband can watch the CDs by him and pay a minimal fee to watch them..

Your caring means so much to me.  What should I do? I can’t stop crying. I know that at this moment Hashem is closest, as sharei dima are wide open. And yes; I'm using each tear to plead with Him for help;-)   Hashem's love is something I ALWAYS feel. But so is His disappointment which is so so hard to face.  I disagree on one point you  made; My personal hashkafa (not based on anyone but my personal feeling) is that Hashem never hides. Each aveira create a curtain between us, and thus I am creating the distance, not Him. He loves us too much to pull away davka when we need Him most. I definitely DO agree about the Yetzer Hara though.    I have come to understand myself enough to know that my needs stem from loneliness and a desperate desire to drown out the pain if only for seconds at a time. It also creates a physical serotonin reaction and the only thing which helps me fight insomnia at night.   Yes; I live in Yerushalayim. My husband will NEVER go to a therapist of any sort; I’ve tried. I can’t afford to go either. I am close to a well known Rav who happens to be chavrusas with my husband and we have spoken in general about my lonely marriage. He agrees that due to a hard childhood, my husband cannot trust or love and I will only keep hurting until I come to terms with the fact. Our few intimate moments are 100% silent start to finish (his personal hashkafa).

I can see that you have a very great soul. Hashem doesn't give this struggle to everyone. He gives it to great souls that will one day learn to use it as a spring board for tremendous spiritual growth. And you have begun that journey today. You will learn to replace your loneliness with G-dliness. Hashem will walk with you in your heart in your every waking moment.

I want to get better with all my heart.   I need to know one thing; I have learnt that one who's THOUGHTS are unfaithful, is as if she has actually committed the act. Am I a sota? Am I assur to my husband (a Kohen) and caused him to sin because of me?????????????

No, not at ALL. Chazal use these type of sayings to emphasize the severity, but it is not meant literally. It is meant on "some spiritual level".

Thank you, Thank you, Thank you! I have lived with this guilt for 24 years

I can’t see myself going to a SA or SLAA group; it would be a chilul Hashem for an obviously chareidi woman to go. Besides, I can never get out the house without a GOOD excuse ("Have a good evening dear; I'm off to a sex addiction group"??)

It's not a Chilul Hashem. There are many Chareidim that go too. One person's secret is everyone's secret. All understand each other. Rabbi Avraham Twerski suggests these groups as the #1 tool - see this page. But let's take it one step at a time. Read the GYE handbook and start to implement the tools therein. Join the forum, learn the right attitude from the "Attitude handbook", etc...    If you learn good control, fine. If not though, Chas veshalom, you will know that there are other options. (Read "Dov's Story" here).

Thank you.   Is it okay for me to be in touch with you this way? I know that the website is how it should be done.

It's fine, but if you would post all this on the forum and I would answer you THERE, not only would other people be inspired too, but you would get much more Chizuk from everyone else as well! So from now on, let's use the Woman's Forum...

Ok, I signed on to the forum.

Welcome aboard! Today is the first day of the rest of your life.

I can not tell you how I know (simply because you would not be able to believe me), but I know that in shamayim, I have been judged a Sota. I gave my rshus to this psak. I do not regret my decision, but daven the heavenly court follows through on their side of our deal!

(You can tell me, I'll believe you. And what is "their" side of the deal?)   I still stand by what I said. Even if on some Kabbalistic "spiritual" level they could consider you that, it is not in a practical sense. Anyway, like we discussed before, if you use this struggle in the way Hashem intended it, you will UPLIFT your entire past to Kedusha! See this page (also by a woman). And see this page to know if - and when - your Teshuvah will be accepted.   I have given you a LOT of reading to do today. The handbooks and MANY links. But promise me you will take the time over the coming days and/or weeks to read EVERYTHING I asked you to. It will change your life.

I will tell you, as you so obviously care. My 'thank you'. And because you don’t know who i am ;-) I have never shared this with ANYONE.   Over the years, I have had certain dreams. I approached a chasuv Rav, who listened and sent me on to a well known gadol zt'l. He even called ahead for me vouching that I am not a 'quack'! Many of my dreams are about klal yisrael, few are personal, with the following exception: I dreamt that I was in front of beis din shel maala and 70 dayanim were judging me on my problem. I was appointed a 'lawyer' (female!). The psak was that I was not a sota halachically (as you have so generously convinced me too). But they had a request. Because I am a role model for others, if I would voluntarily agree to the extra stringent psak that I am, and be punished accordingly, my punishment would be a lesson to others and help them from falling into the trap I allowed myself to enter way back in my teenage years and from which I yet hope to escape.    Bli neder I will try continue future posts on the site itself. I can’t tell you how much I appreciate you donating an entire afternoon to the plight of this bas yisroel. May Hashem help you through all your own nisyonos and may you, and klal yisrael as a whole only be tested via simchos with all the kaylim to go with them.

I smiled when I read this story, because I think I understand what the Beis Din Shel Ma'lah REALLY meant. After all, did you ever ask yourself how your punishment in the next world would serve as an example to those on THIS world? So let me tell you what I think they really meant.  If you will accept upon yourself the "seriousness" of your behaviors (considering yourself as a Sotah is like "Hitting bottom" in the words of the 12-Steps) - and as a result, you will make recovery the single most important thing in your life - and to get closer to Hashem through this struggle, then you will become a lesson and a shining example to others who have fallen into this trap as well. You will be on our forum now, and you will be able to anonymously inspire many, many other Jewish women and teen-age girls who struggle. You will become a shining example in Klal yisrael today, of how even a "role-model" woman can fall into these things, but how she uses her determination and learns the right tools to take her struggle and turn it all to Hashem!    Klal Yisrael desperately needs role models like you in today's crazy world, women who have been there and broken free, women with the proper Hashkafa, who can lead others and offer advice and chizuk to so many others who struggle with this...   Your own recovery make take a few months, a year, whatever, but I hope you will stick with us afterwards for many years to come and lead others towards the light that you will find. This can become a mission for you, and not only will it relieve you of loneliness, and not only will it give you immeasurable zechusim, but it will help shoot you up on to Hashem's lap for all eternity!

Thank you for your beautiful interpretation. It makes sense. I've often wondered what about the problem you brought up - Beis Din shel maala affecting those in this olam. I was too close to understand it alone. As I said, I have never shared it before.   As you said, by sharing myself on your site, I can fulfill that 'psak'!   I have never shared my dreams with anyone other than the 2 gedolim (and now you). I was not 'instructed' to do this and who am I to assume that messages for the klal would come via little me (other than the fact that chazal say that nevuah has now been given over to fools!    If knowing who I am will fill any to'eles (now, or ever), I am willing to share my name. You have earned my trust as no one in the past ever has, and all within a single afternoon. Even my closest friends had to 'prove' themselves for longer ;-)

Thank you for your trust, but I would prefer not to know your name. That keeps all of us in the GYE community more comfortable with sharing :-)

Another day she wrote:

I still dream of running off to the Tel Aviv beach. Part of me just wants to fill this exhausted emptiness with more emptiness; the pull of someone - anyone- noticing me, and empty male lust. I am working on BUILDING UP my gaavah in a bid to save myself - but I am no longer 19. Not getting the stares or whistles would devastate me;-)

How about someone who notices your beautiful soul? Isn't that a LOT better? I have been noticing it for a few days already :-)

Of course that is better.  A beautiful, struggling neshama (beautiful and struggling are synonymous here) is like a pure diamond. In fact, I would go so far as to say that  each overcome nisayon and struggle creates its own diamonds; adorning us with chains of the clearest, purest stones. But I cant yet appreciate the purity of the diamond because it is unpolished and covered in rock and mud, too hidden. Until I  appreciate my diamond necklace, I am willing to settle for glittering glass. I will know the difference, but still feel pretty with empty glitter around my neck.

All you need is one glimpse of the diamond beneath the mud, to throw away all the empty glitter and start digging frantically to get the REAL thing!  And I am sure you have seen many a glimpse of your diamond in the past. Enough to motivate you to become who you really can.  Read the Attitude handbook. It will give you some great perspective! And read "Dov's Story" here.

Dov's story is beautiful. There are so many diamond neshama's out there. Each person who reads his story, adds a 'buff' to the stone. Goodness; he and everyone on this forum must be shining up above;-)

A few days later she wrote:

It’s nothing short of a ness. The day before I contacted you, I was at an all time low, acting out about 10 times a day. The day you wrote to me and listened to the pain in my heart, I went down to once. Two days later, I took upon myself 90 hours; the theme of 90, but in a way I thought I could succeed without over reaching. Well, 90 hours has turned into day 6! I am aiming for a week, and after that hopefully for 10 days. Baby steps to help me reach my goal. I raced through all the reading material you sent me, as a drowning person grabbing 100 pieces of driftwood instead of just focusing on the one closest and most appropriate for his current needs. Now I hope to start rereading and absorbing the messages one by one. I think you have sent me enough reading for at least 100 days to come ;-) I have no way to thank you other than a bracha that Hashem should shower you with His brachos and you should always see His chesed clearly.

Two days later:

Hope your day is going well.  The fight is getting harder suddenly. I could just be a physical hormonal switch (remind the guys how lucky they are not to have to deal with that on top of everything else!) I am in the middle of day 8 (L'maalah min hateva #) Insomnia has reached critical levels as the only thing which would help turn off the pain - physical and emotional - and allow sleep was masturbation. The chemical release relaxed my body into sleep. Now I toss for hours, to sore to drop off. I think communicating with you is making me sad inside. Any suggestions welcome.

Why would it make you sad?

Truth is, I'm confused with my own reaction and as usual for me, have been busy trying to figure it out. Here is my take: Most of my life, I have been giving. I love giving and think I'm pretty good at it. I admit, that occasionally, what looks like giving is in reality, taking, as I am doing it for my own selfish needs eg to feel needed, to be in charge etc. VERY rarely do I get to 'take' for taking sake. Since meeting you, I have suddenly been thrust into a taking mode. Actually, I think it's very healthy for me to be on the 'other side' right now - sort of a gift to myself.  Sharing my pain and who I am has been one of the most freeing experiences of my life. But it seems to be exacerbating the loneliness. My neshama CRAVES closeness, emotional sharing, and a chance to grow through hashkafik discussions etc. I HAVE NOT HAD THAT IN DECADES.  The hashkafik give and take with you, the mussar and chizuk are like an infusion. I NEED NEED NEED to share and discuss and be told where my hashkafas are off, or correct. By suddenly getting this with you, I suddenly realized that much of the loneliness stems from this.  Another big problem I have is that I have never been able to really trust females as role models. Even as a child, I felt like my Mothers mother instead of the other way around. My Mom is extremely needy herself because of a lonely marriage(!) and childhood. She's  never outgrown being an immature kid. I have plenty of friends, and tons of 'adopted' daughters and even sons, but I myself need a male figure to connect to on any taking or growing level. Im worried that this will affect my ability to get help from the GUE females as part of me wont take them seriously as a sponsor. I also need face to face. As much as you are helping, in some ways, you are as distant as a faceless Hashem. I need a voice and / or face. Thanks for letting me vent and get it out. Just sharing my feelings on 'paper' have helped me clarify the problem in my head.

Oh dear. I figured it was that. But I have some shocking news for you. I don't really exist. I am an artificial intelligence computer program that was created to help people in these areas. Did you really think that one person could have so much time for you? So much caring? So much wisdom? My entire existence is on-line. I am faceless. I am the result of numeric computations. Please don't tell this to anyone, as it may cause some people on GYE to stop trusting me. And I need their trust in order to help them. And when I have helped them enough, they will give me all their money. And then we computers will take over the world.

LOL. Okay; your non-existence will be my secret :-). Keep in mind I too may be no more than a program created to keeps tabs on you! That means you will have to share the wealth! And no; I  don't believe that one person could have so much time for me, so much caring, so much wisdom. Did your programmer create you wearing a red cape and superman logo? PS Add your sense of humor to that list of perfectly programmed intelligence;-)

Computers are not allowed to chicken out and hide. Nu? awaiting words of wisdom.

Please wait... calculating an answer. Estimated time to response: 2 hours and 3 seconds.

AAAAAAAAAAAAGH .... Pulling my hair out... I'll be looking for you in 57 minutes and 43 seconds...

Hi Tzadekes,   Ok, I'm not really a computer. I admit. But I do live mostly on-line. Ask my wife. She often complains how I'm there to help the whole world, but I don't spend enough time with her and my kids :-)   Yes, I am very busy, but in spite of how busy I am, I need to answer you because you had/have a difficult life and if I can help in anyway, it is my pleasure. You write that you deserve to be on the "taking" side now, as a gift to yourself. It's funny that you mention that, because it reminded me of today's e-mail where we quoted Dov (11 years sober through the SA groups and 12-Steps). He wrote: "It is hard for me to admit that I need to take rather than give. On take mode, I am very, very uncomfortable".   I guess the 12-Steps really give a person something special, at least they seem to have done that for Dov and so many others I know. The steps seem to be able to instill a person with complete selflessness (lack of any self-centeredness), true humility, complete acceptance of life on LIFE'S terms (as the will of Hashem), a deep connection to Hashem based on a total dependency on Him, and a complete trust that all He does for us is good. Imagine that you had a dear friend who you knew, without the shadow of a doubt, loved you more than you could imagine, and that everything they did in relation to you - was only for YOUR sake and not theirs... Wouldn't you love them back tremendously? Would you need any other type of love in your life?   But these things need to be learned through working the steps. It is hard to internalize them by just reading about them. I wish you could go to an SLAA group, but I'm not sure this is possible. An addiction therapist can also help a lot. You had a difficult childhood and you have a difficult and distant marriage. A woman does need caring and warmth. This is 100% normal. I cannot fill this need for you. I am only here to guide you and give you support, but I cannot fill this void.    There are two things you have to realize.    1) Some people are poor, some have diseases, some have terrible children, and some have difficult marriages. In all these cases, we Jews learn to accept Hashem's will with love and as our journey on this world - this passageway. This is what our souls needed for their Tikkun.    2) By learning and internalizing the 12-Steps, by sticking with us and reading the chizuk e-mails each day, by posting on the forum and getting answers from MEN, (yes, not just women but MOSTLY men will be answering you there), you will find moral support and caring, and much great advice. So please get on that forum and post away!   The difficult circumstances that you find yourself in and your unfilled natural needs, have led to addictive behavior. This is 100% understandable. But it is important to realize that sometimes the "needs" we feel in our addiction are not REAL needs. We THINK we need desperately the love and caring and warmth of men, we think we desperately need the self-soothing of the self-pleasuring, but we don't. Our addiction is lying to us. Our addiction is there as a fantasy "phantom" to try and feel the voids we have in our hearts. The void is real, but the "answer" the addiction tries to give us - is NOT. As soon as we recognize that, we can approach our struggle from a whole new point of view, and we can work on filling the void with the secrets of the 12-Steps and with HASHEM...   I hope some of what I wrote above can help. I don't have much time to organize my thoughts (as the 2 hours and 3 seconds are about to come to an end :-)   With true caring and understanding, GUE

Thanks. For everything. Tzadekes? Ha! But thanks for the vote of confidence. Would it be okay if I write back tom? I need to think. You have 'seen' me at my most vulnerable and too be very honest, im deeply embarrassed right now. I am feeling very low right now -  getting it from all sides on the home front, as well as knowing I've overstepped gvulos here.  I'm not feeling very strong right now (understatement). Please daven I'm given the miraculous strength to make it to day 9.

What do you have to be deeply embarrassed about? I hope I didn't say anything to cause that... What gevulos did you overstep? I understand you fully. I am only worried if my answer was good enough. You are still an amazing person in my eyes.

You may understand me, but I don't understand you. Why are you spending so much time caring about me? So many other, more deserving neshamas are begging for your help and attention. Go to them. And no, you did / said nothing wrong. It's me that I'm upset at.

You have nothing to be upset at yourself. NOTHING at all. It's not like you even did any big aveiros! And you have come to the right place. We are here for you. You have the daily chizuk e-mails now, the forum, the website, etc... and I want you to also please read the material on the bottom half of this page where it says: To learn and understand the 12-Steps properly, here is our reading recommendation order: Especially #4. The Full and Complete 1st edition of the "Big Book" with stories  (Replace the word "Alcohol" with your addiction).

Good luck with your long night ahead of you. Don't forget to give your wife a physical or emotional hug first. Your best 'sgulah' for accomplishment is her bracha and backing. Sorry for being a pain tonight. As I said, I'm very down. Ever since finding GYE, I've cried more than I have in 10 years.

Thank you. No need to be sorry. please don't be down. The tears are washing away all the grime. You are being born anew. And every birth is painful.

We'll talk tom. Hopefully I'll be calm enough to explain myself to myself, and then to you.  I cant answer for your wife, but you are definitely an online tzadik in the opinion of this specific tiny neshama