551. |
Don't Live in the Problem, Live in the Solution.
Today I want to share some big
Yesodos that I learned from Dov.
(If anyone has experience with what
really works, it's Dov. Once a slave to an all-consuming lust
addiction, Dov is now sober for over 11.5 years! See Dov's story
here).
It often takes a lot of trying and failing before we are finally
able to say in all honesty - as Chazal say, "If Hashem would not
help him, there is no way he can beat him (the Yetzer Hara)".
And this is the first step of the 12-Steps; admitting
"powerlessness". The reason the struggle is so hard for us - and the
reason we keep failing at it, is because we are struggling with
something much more powerful than us. However, once we admit
powerlessness, we basically come to the realization that we can no
longer "struggle" with lust at all. We can't "work on this area" or
try and "change the way we think". We can only "let go" of it
completely and not even give lust the time of day. If lust
comes into our head or if something comes into our field of vision,
instead of struggling with it, we just tell ourselves: "I can't
struggle with lust at all, I am an addict", and we just
"let go of it" in our hearts completely.
How do we do that?
Well, if it's far too hard for us to focus on and struggle with
"the problem", the only way to succeed is to live instead in the
SOLUTION.
What does that mean?
Lust is all "me centered". It's all about me. The "solution"
is to start living for others and for Hashem. We need to train our
minds that when we feel lust, we just laugh and say "hey, what can
you expect from an addict?" and then painlessly switch channels to a
channel of "giving" and "gratitude" instead of being "Me focused".
For example, if we feel lust for someone, we switch channels to
thinking what we can do for that person instead of what we
can take from them (after turning away of-course,
otherwise we won't be able to let go of the "me mode"). We can
daven for them to have everything good in life and a true connection
to Hashem.
When we feel lust, we can switch modes in our mind and begin to
think of all the blessings we have in life, to feel gratitude to
Hashem etc, which brings us to think about what can we do for
Hashem. And we can think also about what we can do for others, and
how we can make ourselves more useful to others... We need to
change our mode of thinking from the "me-centered-getting-mode"
that breeds lust, to a mode of "giving and gratitude" outside of
ourselves.
And the miracle is, that by changing the way we think and the things
we do over time, we find that the problem goes away by itself!! In
other words, we can't fix the problem; forget it,
it's way too strong. But when we live in the SOLUTION and
focus on living "outside" of ourselves, the PROBLEM automatically
goes away...
All this "struggling" with the Yetzer Hara and "working on
ourselves" - that's for OTHERS, NOT for addicts. We
cannot deal with lust at all. That's the secret of the first
step. We need to completely bypass it, let go of it, and give it up
to Hashem. And it is only when we do this step - which is to
recognize that we are addicts; that we are ill; that we cannot deal
with lust AT ALL, only at that point we can begin our journey
to recovery and learn how to surrender it to Hashem and GIVE IT UP
COMPLETELY.
Ironically, it is only to admitting powerlessness that we are able
to ultimately find true freedom!!
Our minds tell us that if we stop lusting and if we don't feed our
lust, life will be much less fun... But our mind is LYING to us. It
is the exact OPPOSITE! It is ONLY when we finally GIVE UP on
struggling with lust and LET GO of it, that we will finally be able
to find true freedom and happiness.
And one last Yesod from Dov on this
topic:
"Letting go of lust" should only be done "one day at a time". It's
too hard for addicts to think in such terms as "letting go of lust"
for life. We can however, decide that "today, I am completely
letting go of my 'right' to lust. Today, I won't give lust the time
of day".
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Link of
the Day
Rabbi Twerski mailed us an article
that came out a few years ago in the Hamodia, where he answers
someone's question about internet addiction.
Click here to see the article.
(Once the picture has fully loaded, click on it to enlarge)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Saying of the Day
Posted by "London"
"Decisions aren't forever"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Testimonial of the Day
By
"Joe"
First of all, I want to congratulate you on improving your
site with many new options! They are invaluable tools for all Jews!
Second, I am happy to tell you that I have been close to 100 days
clean, THANK G-D, the only One who has made this possible through
his kindness!!!
Third, I want to mention that the book "The Light of Ephraim" is one
of the best books I have ever read on the subject of Shmiras
Habris, and I would recommend it to anyone. When I started
reading the book, I thought it was saying that there is no Teshuvah
for these sins... but I understood incorrectly, it's exactly the
opposite! It's truly an amazing book.
Fourth, this is what I had to do to stay clean:
* I came across your site and similar ones, and went through months
of learning, along with strong trials, ups and downs, hardships,
crying to Hashem, etc.
* I read the stories on your site, which gave me light years of
experience to avoid pitfalls.
* After reading all that stuff, along with some terrible "black
mussar" books making me feel terrible, I decided to disappear from
internet and just stop doing it!
* Daily reading of Chovot HaLevavot
* Nightly reading of "The Light of Ephraim"
* I made use of heavy Nedarim, making restricting fences for myself
all over the place
* I prayed to Hashem, always asking for help with this struggle
I guess we have to be on guard all our lives to really win this war.
I am still scared to fall again, May Hashem help us!
Best regards my friend, and thank you for leading me in the right
direction, sharing with me your tips and for helping so many along
the path. Hashem will surely grant you great merits for your
efforts.
|
552. |
Song of the Day
My "Guard-Your-Eyes" Song
By
Uri in Jerusalem
CLICK HERE to download it.
CLICK HERE to read the lyrics.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Our "Focus-Outward" Muscles
Yesterday we shared some Yesodos from
Dov on "Living in the Solution".
(If anyone has experience with what
really works, it's Dov. Once a slave to an all-consuming lust
addiction, Dov is now sober for over 11 years! See Dov's story
here). Today I would
like to quote some of Dov's posts that expand on this issue in more
depth. From Dov we can truly learn how to live in the SOLUTION
instead of "fighting" desperately (an often losing battle) - with
the PROBLEM.
Dov writes to Uri who - as we can see from the song above - is
bravely struggling with the "monster" within:
To my dear friend who writes so beautifully about what's going on
inside him, and about issues such as "love vs. lust", and - of
course - struggling with fantasies a lot:
One simple answer for all this that anyone can do is: Don't think so
much. Especially about yourself.
What??? But how???
This sounds like a very, very tall order for an addict, or for
someone who is kinda young, or for someone who is naturally highly
self-aware and jam-packed with feelings pretty much all the time.
You (and many of us) have all these qualities. Ouch. We are
experts at "focus-inward", and typically only focus outward when
it's all about what we are getting - or not getting - from
the other person.
Shockingly ;-), the typical prescription for this problem (that is
working for me and others I know) is to start getting more and more
used to thinking about others, for the rest of our lives.
"Others" means anyone not attached to my own "desire / feeling /
awareness" thing (some call that "thing" the ego). That list
includes Hashem (of course), your family, your friends, co-workers,
people you walk by in the street, etc; basically anyone with a will
of their own (... not yours). So far so good?
Being apart from others - even in / especially in
a room full of people - is our typical state. But for sobriety and
sanity to grow, it's got to change. In real life, this means doing
things that make us a part of, rather than apart from.
But how? By being frummer or becoming better? Not really.
Just check these practical applications out and see if you think
they would be good daily exercises for your own "focus-outward"
muscles:
-
Davening
primarily for others in general, rather than for me
(except in real emergencies) [Tzadikim do this by focusing
strictly on tza'ar haSh'chinah, but we are doing it just
for anyone's tza'ar but our own, for now].
-
Actually
functioning (even in small ways) as part of a group [a
minyan can do this if you find a way].
-
Accomplishing
things that are not for me.
-
Not taking
that second look at the pretty woman (I just had to not
do that myself five minutes ago!) even though it hurts cuz I'm
an addict. Looking / lusting about it will just work out my
"me-me-me muscle", no?
-
Having a
nice, long conversation with anyone and making 99% of the topic them,
rather than me.
-
Doing a
mitzvah (or two) for G-d's sake, rather than because people will
see, or for olam haba. (B"H, I rarely think about olam
haba - it's too selfish in practice, though folks who treat
hashkafa as reality will tell you s'char mitzvah is
not supposed to be a selfish pursuit at all. So what? It is for
me! So, till I'm ready for a different attitude towards
s'char, out with it!)
-
Keeping a
halacha because we don't want to.
-
Being good to
ourselves because we don't want to (going to a meeting,
exercising, taking a shower, learning some Torah, cleaning up
the apt, making a friend, etc.) [in s'forim that's called "mis'chased
im atzmo - doing kindness with one's self"].
Get the idea?
The main thing for success in this, is not allowing
yourself to get bogged down by anyone (that includes you) in
wrestling about philosophy (which may be mislabeled as "Torah"),
motivations, the existence of altruism, or whatever else seems
to really matter. It's all nice, but an addict can't afford it. Our
eye must remain on the prize, which is: Going outward rather than
inward. Period.
Yes, we need Hashem's constant help to do this the right way and for
it to lead closer to actually being useful to Him and His people.
But as the Mesillas Yeshorim writes, there are some midos
that lend themselves to knocking down a bazillion bad middos all in
one fell swoop. For an addict, this is one of the big ones that
do that. The particulars are less important than most think.
Besides, He can help just fine if you ask for it, and He will. (Uh,
oh, that's praying for yourself! Well, for this we can make
exceptions ;-)
Try it. Don't think about it. And don't talk about it
much, c"v, either. Thinking differently - even really hard -
will not generally get us to be any different on the inside.
We live in "Olam Ha'asiyah - the World of Deeds". Doing
changes us, and it even changes the way we think and are
on the inside. That is why Hashem gave us so many mitzvos
to do (as the RaMBa"M writes).
After we do this for a while, our lives become wildly interesting
and less predictable, too! (It is actually rather boring to think
about myself all the time, you know!) We can also get sober and
stay sober more easily this way.
Love! ...and that's an order.
Dov
Tomorrow we will Iy"h bring Uri's response, as well as a beautiful
elaboration and further clarification on these fundamental YESODOS
from Dov.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Testimonial of the Day
By
"BruceWayne"
Last night, I just lay there in the dark thinking, and all
of a sudden I became terrified. The fear was from the thought - the
mental image of me going back to the way it was before I found
GuardYourEyes. Perhaps it was an attack by the Yetzer Hara to entice
me to sneak over to my computer (even though I have a filter). If
so, I turned it around and instead of listening or even thinking
about it, I literally shed tears at the thought and repeated to
myself over and over, "I don't want to go back, I don't want to
go back....", pretty much till I fell asleep. (Don't know where
that came from. I mean, if somebody saw me they'd probably want to
put me in an institution or something).
|
553. |
A Big Mazal Tov to "Efshar Letaken"
(aka "E.L")
on reaching 90 Days!
He is now on the "Wall
of Hashem's Honor"!
E.L reached this
milestone yesterday on the 20th of Av, which is spelled Ke'Av.
The word "Ke'Av" has a double meaning In Lashon Hakodesh.
It can mean "pain" and it can also mean "like a father". E.L. has
taken the "pain" of his past - the pain of the addiction, and used
it as a spring board to developing a true "Father/Son" relationship
with his Father in Heaven! (After all, isn't that what "Efshar
Litaken" is all about?)
The only place in
Tanach where the word "ke'Av" appears, is in Iyov 31:18, in the very
chapter that starts with the words: "I have made a treaty with my
eyes"... The Pesukim there discuss how a person is a "Chelek
Eloka Mi'ma'al" and speak about how we should not follow after
our eyes and hearts, not after women and not after promiscuity...
And then Pasuk 18 says:
"From my youth (Hashem) has raised me ke'Av
- as a father"....
Coincidence?
I think NOT :-)
I want to quote a few excerpts from
Efshar Litaken's first inspiring post on our forum
over here,
where he described his situation and how he found our website:
I'm new here, just a few days old on
this site & in my new life. I too thought that I was from the few &
numbered Yidden out there that are struggling in this area. (I'm not
talking about people that don't care or are totally off,
unfortunately there are too many. I mean Yiden that are Erlich in
all other fields of Yidishkeit)
I begged & cried to Hashem so many
times in the last few years to help me find my way out of it, but it
was short lived progress.
I even spoke (hinted) to my Rav that
I'm struggling with my eyes & all I got was to Pray "V'Taher Libeini".
He is a Holy Yid, but his Gadlus is stuck in the 1800's.
So I Thank Hashem for making me
stumble upon this website while checking out the news on Israel on
the Jpost.
I Hope & feel that with all the
Helpful tips & Amazing Yiden Mevakshei Hashem "B'Emes" (for this is
anonymous, so we are doing this Koloi L'Shmo just because we want to
be close to you Hashem) that I will finally get over this Klipeh
that the world has never seen before.
Like my Rav Says, the Satan know that
his end is near, so he is fighting with all his tools & weapons. We
just have to "Hold On A Little Bit Longer" & the fight will be Won.
Chazal Say "Tzorois Ramim, Chotzi
Nechomo!" It's a lot easier to deal with this knowing that others
unfortunately have the same problems & are successfully dealing with
it.
Yidden! Hashem looks at this website
& is Shtultz Proud with us. He calls out "Mi K'Amcho Yisroel!" look
at my chosen nation, they have not Sold Out! there is no other
nation like us, Period!
Ashrecha Yisroel
Hashem Is Proud Of Us
We Will Never Give Up
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Here is
a special song
in honor of Efshar Litaken's milestone!
(Right click and press "Save Target/Link as")
"If you believe you can destroy, believe you can fix!" ... Rebbe
Nachman.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Here is a poem that
Efshar Litaken wrote in honor of this day:
90
Days, 90 Days,
What can I say, for Hashem I'm full of Praise.
I thank Hashem for the depth of my Heart,
He was there for me from the Start.
My story is just another of the Same,
I just had enough of the Yetser Hora's Game.
Fighting & Falling for so many Years,
My eyes were already, dry from Tears.
Finally one day my prayers Hashem did Hear,
And I finally found GYE to help me, myself to Repair.
From Reb Guard & his Hand Books & all the Others,
Over here at GYE we are all like Sisters & Brothers.
I thank Hashem, for sending me this Way,
And getting me out of the Y"H's Prey.
No! It wasn't easy, I have to Admit,
But I don't miss my old life, not a Bit.
It is very rewarding, as all of you Know,
And those who don't yet, time will Show.
If we keep on fighting & never let Go,
We will give the Y"H blow after Blow.
Eventually he will have to confess,
That with GYE members, he cannot Mess.
He doesn't care much about the Sin,
What he wants is for us to Give Up, so that he can Win.
So the message the Y"H is loud & Clear,
Get lost once & forever, from you we do not Fear.
Yes you might be stronger than us, Flesh & Blood we Are,
But we "Let Go & Let G-D" & He's stronger than you by Far.
The fight is never over; we will fight till the End,
We will get even with you, when Hashem, Moshiach will very soon
send.
So for those Yidden that GYE haven't found Yet,
We have to ask Hashem why we haven't Met.
So many Yidden with Shmutz are Addicted,
They need us to help them get Evicted.
They need us to help them find GuardYourEyes,
So that the Y"H they too will Despise.
If we want to greet Moshiach with our heads held High,
Let's put in the extra effort and tell the Y"H GOOD BYE!
So I ask everyone to help in every Way,
For this is the last battle, before Hashem does Say.
My Holy Children The Time Has Come!
With Klal Yisroel Once Again, I Will Be One.
Thank You My Holy Brothers & Sisters
The Fight Goes On
Yes! Efshar Letaken
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Our
"Focus-Outward" Muscles
(Part 2)
For the past few days we've been bringing important ideas and posts
from Dov on the REAL secret to breaking free of this addiction. It
seems that the over-all goal of the 12-Steps - and what makes it so
successful to millions of people, is that the steps teach us how to
"focus outward" instead of living a self-centered / "ME ME"
existence. In yesterday's e-mail, we discussed various strategies
and exercises that we can do to strengthen our "outward-focus"
muscles. Before we continue with this idea today, I just want to
repeat one paragraph from yesterday's e-mail again, because it is
such a big Yesod:
As the Mesillas Yeshorim writes, there are some midos
that lend themselves to knocking down a bazillion bad
middos all in one fell swoop. For an addict, "outward focus" is
one of the big ones that do that. Try it. Don't think about
it. And don't talk about it much, c"v, either. Thinking differently
- even really hard - will not generally get us to be any
different on the inside. We live in "Olam Ha'asiyah - the World
of Deeds". Doing changes us, and it even changes
the way we think and are on the inside. That is why
Hashem gave us so many mitzvos to do (as the RaMBa"M
writes).
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Uri
Responds to Dov on the forum:
Wow, thank you so much Dov. I'm
honored to have you post on my thread. The advice you give is gold.
I've tried this before, "growing outward", but it proved too
difficult at the time. I was feeling very depressed and had no
strength for others. Now I'm gonna try to make it my top priority
again iy'h. Yasher Koyach.
-uri
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dov
Responds to Uri:
Dear Uri - About going outward:
We obviously can't do it alone, and we often can't do it very
comfortably either. So we need extra help from Hashem with this. We
also can't succeed at this if we are doing it with "an expectation"
of getting something in return.
You write that you have tried it before and mentioned the challenges
you had then. Thanks. Here's a big yesod (for me) in recovery that
may help you with this too:
We start doing things for others simply - and mainly -
because we have faith that we need to, in order to stay
sober. We do it because we believe it is the only way to get us to
be unselfish - and hence, "mentally OK" people. In a sort of
paradoxical way, it's selfish! And that's great! Because it makes it
much more palatable to us (at least subconsciously) in the beginning
weeks, months or years (whatever!). It really works that way. Weird?
Nu, so what's so bad about a little more weirdness? (That's
also a big yesod for me, BTW...)
So "am I doing the favor for my mother in order to help her out /
to be "nice" / or because it's Kibud Av vo'Eim?"
Not necessarily, in the beginning. I may be doing it because it is
the only way for me to recover and to stay sober. But that's Ok. I
can think of no better "mitoch shelo lishma bah lishma" than
this, actually.
Again though, no matter how you slice it, we always need Hashem's
help to do it right.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
And
here's another amazing post from Dov (to someone else) on this
topic:
We generally do things for our own sake. When Chazal tell us that
Hashem wants us to serve Him Lishma (for His sake), it
means that Hashem wants us to start getting used to moving toward
doing things for the sake of others first, and then move on
toward doing for Him.
He gives us parents to learn what it means to be
dependent on someone else and
to be responsible; he
gives us friends to learn what it means to be
connected and
faithful; a spouse to
learn what it means to be devoted
and in love; children to
learn what it means to give up stuff
and help someone grow into
life, while our own lives fade into the background. And He asks us
to make for ourselves a Rav (Aseh Lecha Rav) whom we will
obey without question
and learn self-nullification.
Maybe then we'll be ready to finally be more
dependent, responsible, connected,
faithful, devoted, in love, obedient, humble and
sacrificing to Him, Yisborach.
This never "occurs", it's a process called "the life of a yid". Yep,
His system is genius, nothing short of it.
But how the heck is an addict, or a person who is compulsively
looking at "whatever", supposed to be part of this process? Getting
free from addiction is the only way for an addict to participate in
this genius plan, and - miracle of miracles - it is actually simple,
because the recovery itself forms and guides the whole
journey!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
One
last post from Dov on this important idea of "focusing outward":
The way to do it is certainly: slowly and in very little
steps. You will still feel selfish along the way, because
we compare our behavior with our goal. Nu, that's a
mistake, but we do need to keep the goal in mind all
along the way somehow, so what do we expect? We are not geniuses and
get confused sometimes. The main thing for progress is to hang
onto faith that these little tiny (still mostly selfish)
steps will, in fact, lead us straight to that goal.
As they always say in the 12-Step groups: "Easy, does it".
Love,
Dov
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Song of the Day
Uri
- the new "GuardYourEyes Musician" - strikes again!
A
Story
By
Uri in Jerusalem
CLICK HERE to download it
(right click and press "Save Target/Link as")
CLICK HERE to read the beautiful and inspiring lyrics!
|
554. |
A Few Odds & Ends:
1)
I got a few e-mails asking why today's Chizuk e-mail was late. It's
nice to know some people really care! :-) I apologize for the delay,
but just before I sent today's e-mail my internet provider's servers
fell for about four hours. But here's a bonus: Between Mincha and
Ma'ariv I "happened" to see a Gemara that I added to the Chizuk
e-mail (below). It's a great lesson, so maybe that's why Hashem
didn't want me to send the e-mail earlier... who knows?
2) A new
Sexual Addiction Center has opened in Israel, as well as a new
website in Hebrew that deals with all addictions,
particularly SA and SLAA. It is called
hugme.co.il. The center and website are run by R' Shraga
Shlachter, the author of the book "The First Day of the Rest of My
Life" (download translations from the excellent Hebrew book
over here). If you know anyone in Israel that struggles in these
areas and speaks only Hebrew, please refer them to the new website
and/or to R' Shraga (a personal friend and a wonderful addiction
therapist).
3) I would like to call everyone's attention to the post called "MI
LASHEM EILAY!!!" by "Mevakesh"
over here.
4) I changed the title of the daily e-mails to reflect our
new website. Instead of the subject containing "The GuardUrEyes
Chizuk List" from GuardUrEyes.com, it now contains "The GuardYourEyes
Chizuk List" from GuardYourEyes.org. I am pointing
this out because if you created a "rule" in your e-mail program that
automatically sends the daily chizuk e-mails into a specific
folder based on the subject text or the "sender", you will
probably have to reset that rule. (If you haven't made such a
rule yet, it may be helpful to do so now. I once saw instructions on
how to do this on a Daily Halacha e-mail website
Halachos.com, at the bottom of the page).
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The Powerlessness
of an Addict
Someone posted on
the forum an excerpt from an article at livescience.com which he
says reminds him a lot of the idea that an addict is "powerless"
over lust. Here's the excerpt:
If you think you're generally good at
resisting temptation, you're probably wrong, scientists now say.
"People are not good at anticipating
the power of their urges, and those who are the most confident about
their self-control are the most likely to give into temptation,"
said Loran Nordgren, senior lecturer of management and organizations
at the Kellogg School of Management, Northwestern University, in
Illinois.
The result: Many of us unwittingly
expose ourselves to tempting situations, leading to a greater
likelihood of indulging in addictive behaviors.
The bottom line, Nordgren says: Avoid
situations where such weaknesses thrive, and remember you're not
that invincible.
Dov responds - and describes his own
perception of powerlessness:
Yes, but I'd like to add that in the case of addicts - at
least in my case, I can sit for a hour learning
Sha'arei RMCH"L, Gemorah or Bnei Yisoschar
(after asking my Best Eternal Friend to help me learn right, so I
can get better and do His Will), daven a happy and tearful Mincha,
and still end up acting out worse than I ever did
before, ruining my wonderful life - all within an hour or less -
if I choose to take a longer look (than Hashem arranged
for me to see) at an inappropriate image/person I pass by. This
doesn't have to happen - but it can. As the Ramban
says in parshas Kedoshim; the change that overtakes a person
from lust is shockingly powerful. (And he may not even be talking
about addicts... Ouch).
I also totally reject the idea that the very change in my priorities
and perspective that happens as a result of looking, proves that I
wasn't really sincere in the first place. I believe that many
addicts do sincerely desire to stop, but simply do not
know how.
I also reject the idea that my insincerity is proven by the very
fact that I took that extra look. Some may disagree, but addicts are
really very perplexing, so I can't blame any of them for it.
As an addict, I have no defense whatsoever for even the
very first "drink". I wish no reward at all for any victory
over lust, as I give the entire credit to Hashem. Woe to me when I
start to take credit for "beating the Yetzer Hara". I speak only for
myself here, friends. But I have discovered that I actually -
really - need Hashem's help for it.
And I do not need "encouragement" to stay sober any more than I need
encouragement to breathe or to eat. (Nu, I'll still take some chizuk
once in a while!).
I ask for His help each day for staying sober that day only,
and he gives it to me - so far. I can't work for sobriety tomorrow
any more than I can eat or go to the restroom for tomorrow.
So yes, we Yidden are generally advised to avoid nisyonos -
as the article above explains, but for me with lust, it's even
more than that. I avoid it because I'm an addict, and I know
that the change that lust brings over me takes away all my
free-will. It's very much like getting stone drunk; you really
never know what you'll end up doing. The change I undergo
from lust makes me miserable, useless and pathetic, and I do not
want to go back there, cuz I'll die there. In spite of all this, I
still would end up going back there if I relied on my
own will-power, even with my very best thinking!
So thank G-d for sobriety today! He must love us so much!
Now I think I'll sit down and learn...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Why
does Dov keep emphasizing our "powerlessness"?
I think that there are two main reasons why the 12-Steps
are built on the foundation of the first step:
"Powerlessness".
1) Once we know that we are powerless over lust, we
finally acknowledge that we can no longer afford to struggle with
lust at all - if we are to remain sober and sane. Once we
take that "first drink", we are already on a slippery downward
slide. We have no choice but to completely let go of it.
2) I just saw a story in the Gemara (Taanis 24a) that made me laugh.
The Gemara says that there was a drought and Rav Nachman davened for
rain and the rain still didn't come. When Rav Nachman saw that his
prayers were not answered he began to bemoan and cry "take Nachman
and throw him down off a high wall onto the ground!" (in other
words, if Hashem doesn't answer me, I'm obviously not worthy - so
remove me from my high status as a Tzadik/Amorah). And the Gemara
says that Rav Nachman had "chalishus hada'as" - which means
he felt a great disappointment, and right then the rain came!
That really struck home a point, because it shows just how much
Hashem loves us, yet he waits for our hearts to be truly humbled and
broken before Him. Once we know we can't do it; once
we acknowledge that we have no credit on our own and we truly feel
that we don't deserve anything, THAT IS WHEN
Hashem sends the salvation!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Quote
of the Day
By Dov
"To heck with me. What can I do for you?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Song of the
Day
My
Teffilah
By
Uri in Jerusalem
CLICK HERE to download it
(right click and press "Save Target/Link as")
CLICK HERE to read the inspiring words!
David Hamelech
could never have written many of the beautiful Teffilos in Tehillim
if he hadn't been running from so many enemies and struggling with
so much suffering throughout his life. As the Zohar says; through
the darkness comes the most beautiful light...
Each and every one of us writes our own personal Tehillim as a
result of our struggles with the forces of evil and darkness in our
journey through this world.
Hashem is
waiting for YOUR song.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Testimonial of the Day
By "Hoping"
I have been
mired in the garbage of my addiction for about 20 years. I have
tried to stop tens (maybe hundreds) of times without success. Things
started to finally change when I found this site. I do not know what
tomorrow will bring, but I do know that today I am
experiencing real recovery. I had basically given up on the notion
of ever experiencing this. My biggest hope was that I would be lucky
enough to die during a clean period and that my cleanliness would be
accepted as some level of Teshuva. Now I am beginning to see how I
can make very slow progress internally which will eventually lead me
towards my goals in life. This does not mean that I will ever be
finished recovering, just that I no longer view my addiction as
the enemy. If anything, it is a catalyst which helps me focus on
improving myself at a very basic level. I can even say today that I
needed - and still need - my addiction in order to make
changes in my life that should be made anyway.
|
555. |
The Powerlessness of an Addict
(Part 2)
Someone posted on
the forum the following:
Rav
Pam writes in Atara Lamelach that today we cannot do teshuva by
focusing on how bad sin is. That would only hurt us and drag us down
more. Rather we should focus on our maiylos and how special we are
as the descendants of the Avos and as the bearers of Yiddishkeit,
and strive to improve ourselves.
Dov replies:
Dear yidden who are on many different paths,
Yes, we are special. Sha'arei Kedusha basically
opens with this fact and posits that the lack of recognition of how
wonderful it is to be a yid and carry such a high, ancient, and
beautiful neshoma, is at the root of falling into sin. Yes, it's
true.
And yes, thinking of ourselves as "sinners" carries great
risks. We carry so much baggage regarding that label. It may mean to
us that "it's all over" and become depressed; we may give up and do
worse things; we may lose emunah in Hashem's Power, Love for
us, and in His Wisdom; and as a result, our chances of
growing/fulfilling our potential may become quite poor, etc, etc.
But it seems to me that some people, especially frum yidden, tend to
throw the baby out with the bathwater on this one. Here is what I
mean:
I am sick. I have a progressive, fatal disease. It is also chronic.
It does not have to kill me, as I am in remission because of
my medication (the 12-Steps). But I need to take it correctly for it
to work. We know of many people who have this disease and
successfully live full lives nonetheless. My life has been full
since getting my treatment, and as my wife told me just yesterday,
life is getting better every year. It'll probably stay that way as
long as I don't take the credit, 'cuz taking the credit would mean
that I have stopped taking the meds.
You know what I'm talking about. It's sexaholism, lustaholism,
call it what you like. Surviving it isn't a "challenge" for me, it's
not about being on a "higher madreiga", and it isn't very pretty,
really. But it's the truth.
Did Hashem love me fifteen years ago? You'll say "YES!". Was I
"special"? You'd say "YES!". And I agree. And by the way, while I
was special, I was also teaching a shiur and then leaving right
afterwards to the red-light district to act out. While I was
"special" I was also hooked on a seven year long telephone
relationship with someone I wasn't married to, and while
Hashem loved me, I made many secret rendezvous to see people who
definitely didn't love me at all, but looked like they did -
to me. I was just plain nuts...
And if you asked me to stop, as my neshoma did, I'd have told you
(as I told my neshama) "You know, I will tomorrow, I HAVE
TO quit!!". It was the same torture that many of you on this
site know only too well. I would ask myself, "what am I doing??"
I figured that I just really sucked at serving Hashem and was a
first-rate "sinner". In actuality, I was truly serving myself in
the temple of lust, carefully using the instructions the p**n
industry had taught me. To me, this is not just a cute moshol,
it's the truth.
Why am I reviewing this?
Because I believe that as long as a person is truly struggling with
his Yetzer Hara, he is really lucky! There are s'forim,
shmuessin, nigunnim, etc., all there to help him fly right. The
overwhelming majority of Yidden in the world fall into this category
I believe. They need to employ every aspect of Toras ha'Teshuvah
to be saved from lusting and acting out on their lust, to learn how
to live lives with progressively less shmutz and to be the
holy yidden they are meant to be.
However, once a line is crossed enough times and the "struggle"
becomes an addiction, I believe he is actually ill. And there is
little evidence that he will get cured. (Some may disagree here, and
I respect that 100%). I believe it is then time for what is now
revealed to have been a saucy and ecstatic "Teshuva game", to end.
That is, unless he enjoys being road-kill.
I do not mean that he ought to then give in to the desire at all.
I mean that he needs to bite the bullet and get the help he
really needs - in my case it was actually working
(not studying) the 12 steps, SA meetings and a sponsor. In
any case, it means living life differently, before
his disease changes it drastically for him.
If you are with me so far, then you understand why romanticizing the
struggle of a guy who is truly an addict by referring to it as an
epic struggle with his Yetzer Hara, can perpetuate the pathetic
slugfest indefinitely. Promising a shining light at the end of the
tunnel for someone who really believes that Lust is his best friend,
may actually be cruel. Why? Because he simply will not believe you
deep inside (where it counts). Would you in his
shoes?
Once the point was reached when I believed I truly had no ability
to control myself (though I had no idea why - or how to regain
control), then all that the "Yetzer Hara/Teshuva approach" really
left me with was guilt.
In most cases, encouragement to fight for K'vod Shomayim
and for the beautiful life a yid deserves to have, is indeed
the greatest divine service and love for a yid. And reminders of
Hashem's love are indispensable in this struggle against the Yetzer
Hara. But there are cases, like mine, where a yid sees that he has
an illness and admits that "hey, normal people do not do anything
like this stuff!". They finally admit that it has taken control
of their lives and that it has been getting only worse, never better
(Step 1). These people need to be allowed to say that they are
truly mentally, physically and spiritually ill.
I do not mean this in any way as an insult to yidden who are
addicts. Often at first, a person will interpret their failure at
using standard Torah concepts of Teshuva as proof positive that they
are inferior, as I did. But that is a total lie. A yid who is an
addict is not inferior at all. In fact, addiction often comes with a
powerful sensitivity that is valuable, a striving for perfection
that needs to be learned how to live with.
I am a loser - when it comes to lust. In my opinion, we
simply do not have the power to "win" - and won't - until
we are allowed to admit we are ill and learn how to live with
that fact. If they are told that (as per
the Ramba"m in shmoneh perakim) "don't worry,
everyone who does aveiros is in the same boat and needs
to learn how to do Teshuvah. Welcome to the club!," I believe
these people may not get the medication they need and will end up
taking their families down with them. This probably happens
frequently. You read about it on "Yeshiva-thingie.org" or whatever
it's called...
Furthermore, if after a short period clean these yidden are
convinced that they are ready to live as others do and resume the
struggle [i.e. to let lust in a "little" - and fight it]
because they are better; (after all, as the Ramba"m says, I've
been in the same situation as before and not sinned, so that means I
did teshuvah sheleimah and I'll never go back", right?),
these guys fall hard - and keep falling hard - until they
realize they are really sick, not bad.
For decades I thought I was fine in the head, and it was only
my body that was screwed up! No, my head was -
and is - screwed up (but getting better, thank G-d!).
Just one more thing: The goal of the path I am referring to (the
Steps) is definitely 100% only about closeness to
Hashem and learning to live with a clear recognition that Hashem is
with us always. And it leads to freedom from the aveiros,
with Hashem's help. It leads to discovery of our gifts; and the fact
that they came to us through aveiros makes them even more
precious. It was the last place we thought we'd have thought to look
for Hashem!! But He was there.
Love,
Dov
PS. Anyone who read this whole megillah must be a tzaddik, of some
sort.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dear Yidden! If you read Dov's post above, it is clear that the
approach for "addicts" can not be the same as the standard approach
for regular Yidden. We are ill and need to take the medicine. And
the medicine that has been proven to work for millions of people
around the world is the 12-Steps. Dov talks about "biting the
bullet and getting the help we need". But GuardYourEyes has made
"biting the bullet" a lot easier for frum addicts than it ever has
been before! Instead of joining live 12-Step groups, mixing with
other genders and other religions, being worried about anonymity
issues, etc.. you can now join 12-Step groups with other frum yidden
from the comfort of your home, with full anonymity - BY PHONE!
Please see
this page for information on how to join Duvid Chaim or Boruch's
12-Step phone conference groups.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Let me share with you a letter that
Duvid Chaim just sent out to his group. From this letter you can get
a taste of what the groups are like. (And BTW, it's never to late to
join!)
Dear Chevra,
Do you know the feeling of what it's like when you're on a long road
trip and you pass the halfway mark? And you know that what might
have begun as a strenuous journey, you now see as a journey with the
destination on the horizon. Well that's how I feel right now!
After going through 6 weeks and carefully reading up to page 57 in
the Big Book, I am truly inspired by your growth and commitment to
finding recovery from the addiction. I am also very flattered to
hear the comments from the Group for what you've "learned" from me.
But the truth is that I believe that I have learned more from you.
I have come to appreciate how each and every one of you is like a
diamond - each with it's own unique beauty and multi-faceted. I
am blessed in every call to get to know you in some new way.
Now that we are in Chapter 5 - "How It Works" - we are changing
gears. While in previous chapters, we focused on the lust addiction
and how we are completely powerless over it, now we are going to be
spending less time talking about the lust and much more time talking
about the underlying causes of our addictions. Up to now, we have
been focusing on - and dwelling on - Step One, you will see that now
we are going to relatively quickly be learning about and practicing
the remaining 11 Steps.
So please remember to practice the "A-B-Ds" of the Program - Admit
- Believe - Decide. (Steps 1, 2 & 3). Yet, as we
discussed today, the Action Steps begin NOW with Step 4; "Made a
searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves."
Please
download the following Worksheet. This Worksheet will be the 12
Step Program TOOL that you will use to peel away the layers of lust
and see what fuels the lust - your Restlessness, Irritability
and Discontent (R-I-D). This Powerful Tool will allow
you to have your first real taste of the freedom that awaits you in
recovery. To really enjoy this taste of freedom, just like anything
else that you taste, you have to dig into it and really savor it.
And the choice is yours now!! Do you want this taste of freedom to
taste like a fast food - microwavable product - something that you
grab at a Burger Barn and chow down in your van on your way to your
next appointment? (When you're done, all that's left is greasy
heartburn). OR do you want this taste of freedom to taste
like your wife's chicken soup - a delicacy that has been slow
cooked, well seasoned and delicious on the holiest day of the week?
The choice is yours - what you get out of it, will depend
entirely on what you put into it!!
About the work-sheet, please note that you should hit "print
preview" or print out the sheet to work on it. There are some
columns and headings that can only be seen this way. We will discuss
in today's
call (Thursday) more about how to fill out this Sheet.
Please keep your entries on this Sheet in your computer so you can
email it back to me upon its completion. At that point, we will
schedule a private 2 hour call to discuss it.
I promise you that you will be a different person when you are done.
Like the Book says on page 63, you will be reborn.
If you have any questions, please feel free to bring these up in the
Call or
email me back.
Once again, thank you for letting me join you in this Journey.
Warmest regards,
Duvid Chaim
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Song of the
Day
The
Fall
By
Uri in Jerusalem
CLICK HERE to download it
(right click and press "Save Target/Link as")
CLICK HERE to read the inspiring words!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Testimonial of the Day
By "Kanesher"
B'Erev Yalin Bechi, vla'Baboker rina!
I posted last night on this forum for the first time about my
struggles. I went to sleep feeling silly for posting. But this
morning I woke up and there you all are. So many sincere and
heartfelt responses!
You know, the underlying essence of the internet is that it's the
human voice. People used to perhaps be promiscuous in the depths of
their hearts, but they could never act on it because of social
norms. Well, the internet has broken down those norms and lets
everyone speak freely and anonymously.
And that is the horror - in my "room of rooms" when there no
moreh shamayim k'moreh bney adam - well, the human voice isn't
so very pleasant to hear, is it?
And I recently saw another website that seemed geared to the frum
community and I was horrified; the prustkite seemed to be totally
without shame ...and I asked myself - is that all we are? Is
everyone a faker - just like myself - and not even ashamed of
it?
But here on GYE is another voice. The voice of all of you. Here,
free from posturing and kavod - how genuine you all are!
Here, where no can see, where none will gain shidduch points or
honor...
Thank you, for making me believe in an ideal again.
|
556. |
The Powerlessness of an Addict
(Part 3)
In
yesterday's e-mail (#555 on
this page)
we quoted Dov who described how the approach for "addicts" can not
be the same as the standard approach for regular Yidden. Addicts are
ill and need to take the medicine. And the medicine that has been
proven to work for millions of people around the world is the
12-Steps.
In response to Dov's post, "Battleworn" presented a few good
questions to Dov. He asks as follows:
1) There are many different definitions for the word addict.
Some people feel that anyone who acts against their better judgement
is an addict. But you probably mean someone who is really
far gone. If you feel that an addict needs a certain approach -
and that the standard approach may actually be damaging for him -
and you feel that it's important to inform people of this, then
perhaps you should clarify who exactly is an addict, in your
opinion?
2) When you - Dov - were in the midst of the addiction, I
doubt you found anyone who was able to give you the kind of Torah
approach that GYE does. For example, while I don't know if I
am considered an addict by your definition; I assume that so many
other Tzadikim on the forum such as "Mevakesh", Ykv_Schwartz, "Me",
Bardichev, Jack, MD, Nurah and many others, are considered addicts
(and if not, then almost no one on the forum is). And they
seem to have all done very well with the help of this wonderful
website and forum, without considering themselves "losers
against lust", as you described yesterday.
(For those who don't have time to read Dov's whole reply below, you
might want to skip down to my summary below)
Dov
replies:
I agree with you that the 12-Steps are not for everyone. I
am really uncomfortable with the notion that the 12 steps are for
anyone who acts against their better judgement. I believe that
the last thing the 12 steps is, is just another "self-help
program" or "support group". In my experience, it seems to be more
like an ego-busting program, if anything; and a
"getting-myself-out-of-Hashem's-way" program, too.
The way I see it, there are two categories of people. There are
those who are sick and tired of giving in to lust, but they still
believe that they just need the right chizuk to break free;
and then there are those who have really given up all hope of
"beating" it. I just wonder why a person who is only "sick and
tired" would feel the need to seriously start putting his life
and care completely into the hands of Hashem
(after all,
steps 2 & 3 only work if they are real), or accepting
that their character defects are really the only reason they are
ever upset at anybody (otherwise, what is
step #4 really for?), etc..
So you ask "who exactly is an addict?" I do not really know, but my
heart tells me that anyone who has struggled with lust for years and
feels they have lost, and nevertheless wants to get free of
it (without suicide), can use the 12 steps. Does it mean
they'll succeed? I don't know. But many do.
Can they use what people refer to as "Torah", and make it? Well, I
am again skeptical. And for the same exact reason that I
think some folks who do use the 12 steps don't make
it: They are not really ready to be completely honest with
themselves. They entertain ideals, and mistake those ideals for what
they believe. For example:
-
They really
still believe they need lust/alcohol/cocaine/gambling...
-
Or, they
don't really allow themselves to believe in G-d deep
down.
-
Or, they
aren't desperate enough in their own failure to care for
themselves enough to give G-d a chance to care for
them.
Is it dangerous for such people to try
yiddishkeit approaches? No, but just as "spouting program
concepts" (pontificating) will do them no good at a 12-Step meeting,
talking Torah ideals they do not really have the capacity to
accept, is just a game. Torah should not be a game. And neither -
lehavdil - should recovery concepts. That makes the ideas
"weaker" for the person, and much harder to use. They think about
most of the 12-Steps, "well, I know that already!" but they
haven't even done the first few steps yet, i.e. they don't even
know that they are sick (step 1) or that their faith in Hashem
has simply - and actually - not been one that works at
all, yet (steps 2 & 3).
You asked if my recovery would have been different if I had had
access to the GYE Torah concepts of recovery... Funny thing is, I
actually did think that I had access to these concepts back
then. In other words, I knew all these concepts in my mind,
but here's the thing; it is not the Torah (nor - lehavdil -
the 12 Step program) that changes an addict, but rather how
the addict understands and uses it. I don't believe a human
has the ability to get these ideas truly into someone else's head.
An addict is just plain deaf, until he/she is ready to hear.
All we can do is keep yacking away until someone who is ready to
"hear" really listens! That's just my opinion.
You pointed out "all those Tzadikim
on the forum who have done very well with the help of this wonderful
website and forum, without considering themselves "losers against
lust"...
I believe their success is purely because they were ready to hear.
The question I have for you is: How do you define the "GYE Torah
concepts"? Something an early addict in recovery has heard before
and learned to mentally connect with tons and tons of guilt? (like
"Hashem wants better from you", or "it's all sheker
vechozov - the Yetzer Hara has nothing for you"). Even though
these ideas are all 100% true, the addict may tell the guy: "hey,
you're saying the same thing that my 12th grade rebbi told
me! Why bother?"
In the 12-Step groups, they generally focus on telling their
own story to the addicts who come to them. When the
prospects see that this guy really understands, they open up. Only
then, does the 12-stepper share his solution. This kind of sharing
is hard to do with Torah concepts, no? We end up sometimes putting
the cart before the horse, giving advice and "telling", rather than
sharing. But Torah is the truth, period. And ultimate Truth just
doesn't lend itself to "sharing", does it?
I believe it is possible to achieve sharing with Torah ideas too,
but doing it that way would look very different from the way it is
usually taught. And the truth is, it should probably stay the
way it is now, because Torah is a responsibility, not
only a tool. In the 12-Steps however, they try to offer these
concepts primarily as tools, and that is rather new, I think.
I don't think we really disagree at all. I (and we all?) just have
some problems that need attention, that's all.
Love,
Dov
Let me see if I can summarize some of
the points (I hope I
understood correctly) from
Dov's reply:
1)
The 12-Steps are for those who have struggled with lust for years
and feel that they have lost, yet they are
nevertheless desperate to get free of it (without suicide).
2)
Such a person is truly ready for the brutal honesty and
"ego-busting" that the 12-Steps are composed of. And only
such a person is truly ready to put his life and care completely
in Hashem's hands and finally get out of Hashem's way (to
help him), and also to make a fearless moral inventory of his
character defects.
3)
The Torah concepts discussed on GYE can only really work when a
person is truly ready to hear. Until then, an addict
is just plain deaf. Because it is not the Torah knowledge
(nor - lehavdil - the 12 Step program) that changes the
addict, but rather how the addict understands
and uses them.
4)
One of the things about the 12-Step groups that make the program
work so well for addicts is the sharing of personal
experience by those who live with the program. This is
harder to achieve in a Torah venue, since Torah is "absolute truth"
- not experience, and also because the Torah is mainly a
"responsibility" and not just a "tool".
I just want to point out, that
perhaps if we would learn to use the Torah and Mitzvos as the Zohar
calls them "613 eitzos", and as the Ba'al Hasulam
explains - that the Mitzvos are all eitzos on how to put the
ego aside and do "for" Hashem (he calls this "Hashpa'ah") so
that we can be like Hashem ("ma hu rachum, af ata rachum"),
then we would be able to achieve true d'veikus through Torah
and Mitzvos, and hence true freedom from the addiction as well!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Quote of the
Day
By
Dov
(who else? :-)
Someone posted that they didn't believe they
could make it to 90 days clean. Dov responds:
I know I can't do 90 days!!! I'm not
kidding. Nevertheless, it has been 11.5 years of knowing that so
far, and still sober. I am not strong, and charts do nothing for me
either, but a chevra does, and so do the 12-steps. Life is
getting better every year on His schedule, not mine and not
yours.
None of us can carry the weight of his own sobriety on his
own shoulders. None of us. So, there!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Link of the day
Click here
for a poem written by "Bardichev" for
Uri, who was being greatly tested yesterday. We'll hear more about
Uri's victory in the coming e-mail, be"h.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Testimonial of the Day
"Will"
posts on the forum for the first time:
Well, it's about
time! I've been perusing these forums for a while, and really
benefiting from them as well- but I kept pushing off registration...
Now that I've taken the jump, I'm kicking myself for not doing it
sooner! Just reading through the posts and logs here have very much
inspired me - especially Bardichev's posts, Hoping's posts, Efshar
Letaken's posts, Momo's posts, TrYiNg's posts, and of course the
Heiligeh Guard's posts. The chizuk and empathy that is exchanged in
this community is extraordinary, and I am very excited to become a
part of it.
The Shmiras Einayim issue was rampant in my life, and it led to
acting out as well. It was only when I read the 'Guard
Your Eyes Attitude' handbook that I realized I was fighting the
Yetzer Hara with the wrong weaponry, and since changing up my game
plan the struggle has become much easier.... but it's still very
hard.
And so, with marriage inevitable, I've decided to follow a piece of
advice that I saw on this forum not long ago ...in my own words: "If
you're not gonna commit to putting ALL your Kochos into getting over
this lust addiction, you ain't got NO business getting married". Too
true. (See the last chizuk e-mail on
this page, #550 ).
So Be"h I WILL get over this lust addiction. I WILL keep my neshama
safe. I WILL make my Creator happy. And I WILL be the husband that
any Jewish lady deserves.
And with that... I'm Will. Pleased to meet you. :-)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Efshar Lesaken warmly welcomes "Will" and writes:
Now is a perfect time for anyone to join the GYE forum, so that we
can go into Elul happy and knowing that this year we will be
doing real tshuva that we know we will stand by.
Unlike every year, that we keep on promising Hashem that we will
better our ways, only to fall right back to square one.
No wonder we always got pressured when Elul came around, we didn't
want to face Elul because we knew that we put in all this effort
and........ Yeah! But this year, I go into Elul with a smile on my
face, totally relaxed and happy that Hashem gives me the opportunity
to do Teshuva & I finally have real hope that it will last.
So I say to you,
Reb Will, and everyone else out there that has not joined yet:
Now Is The
Time!
This year we will
go to Rosh Hashana & Yom Kipur knowing that:
"Yes We
Can!"
|
557. |
Uri's Victory
We've all been
enjoying a member called "Uri" on
the forum lately. His struggle is so real, his wisdom is beyond
his years, and
his songs have touched a lot of our hearts! Uri is a 20 year old
Ba'al Teshuva suffering from this addiction, and having a very
difficult time letting go of some of his past "friends". This past
Thursday night, one of these "friends" called him up and said that
her parents were out of the country and she asked if Uri would "come
over"... Uri posted an SOS on the forum asking for help, and asked
why it seemed sometimes that Yiddishkeit was a "sexually frustrating
religion"... He was almost certain that he wouldn't be able to
resist this "opportunity". Uri got tons of responses and Chizuk on
the forum, but then he disappeared for a few hours (from posting)
and everyone feared the worst. But lo and behold, he returned later
and posted that he had been at the park, playing some guitar. He had
left his cell-phone at home to make sure his "friend" couldn't reach
him there. Later, he sent me a recording of his little trip.
Download the recording here.
What power of the spirit, what a holy soul! When any of us feel
tested, let us remember this recording and Uri's amazing victory!
Uri, Uri, Shir Da'Beiri!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I
would like to bring Dov's response, after Uri posted the SOS:
Reb Uri -
I know what you mean when you say yiddishkeit is sexually
frustrating. Let's just look at some facts on the ground though:
I don't know about you, but:
When I'm serving Lust, no amount of sex is enough.
When I'm serving lust, no one is pretty enough
- once anyone prettier walks by!
When I'm serving Lust, there is no real room for anyone else,
only for my needs.
When I'm serving Lust, I make poor choices that reduce my
options in life to either "stupid", "bad", or "whatever".
When I'm serving
Lust, I
become more needy, rather than more independent.
When I'm serving Lust, I am ALWAYS HUNGRY. And I mean
always.
So Lusting, not lack of sex, makes me frustrated.
Have you ever found satisfaction in acting out? I
thought I did. But after a while, I discovered that it just imitates satisfaction
by quieting the very pain of the neediness, in and of itself!
"Ahh, what a relief!... Not." That was actually quite a
rip-off.
That has been my experience, monsieur. How about you?
Yiddishkeit obviously says "whoaa!", which is frustrating,
especially to anyone who really feels entitled to X, to Y, and/or to
Z. But in saying "wait!", it gives us a chance at using the
framework that even my Roman Catholic sponsor in SA marvels at:
A program for creating and maintaining sexual satisfaction in
marriage. Look around you (or better yet, don't - ha,ha -
sorry): would there be such $ucce$$ in the "sex-sells" industry if
most folks were satisfied?
We yidden inherited a plan to help couples (if they want to use it
for that) grow progressively and unexpectedly closer, by taking an
inescapable monthly bodily process and turning it into an exercise
that's cyclical, like everything else in life. It works if you
work it. And our program to help not-yet-couple-people is:
"The less you feed it, the less you
need it". Don't feed it dumb dumb, the desire will
just grow!
So, we all know we have desires, we are human, no? None of us are
perfect, not even saints, they say... But we also all know what
religion is really sexually frustrating. It's the religion
of Lust, not yiddishkeit.
To another person hungry for the peace of Hashem's Love,
Dov
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
12-Step topic of
the Day
In
Chizuk e-mail #555 we brought a
letter from Duvid Chaim discussing how his phone group is currently
holding by the 4th step. Here is a summary of the subsequent call -
by "Moti" ("Momo" is on vacation). There's a lot we can all learn
from this summary, even if we are not part of this unique
phone group. (To join the group tomorrow, see info on
this page).
Opening Of The Call
� The power of the fellowship of program was discussed; 2
participants had gotten tremendous value from a private call they
had yesterday.
�
Until now, the focus was Steps 1, 2, 3 the A-B-Ds"
of the Program - Admit - Believe - Decide. We
now moved on to Step 4 (Chapter 5 of the "Big
Book") which begins the hard practical work part of the program;
taking on the underlying causes of the addiction. A parable
is used of a "red onion", where the lust is merely the outer layer
of the onion. From step 4 and on we learn to address the underlying
layers that fuel the lust, which are mainly R.I.D (Restlessness,
Irritability and Discontent).
Step 4 - What Is It
�
Personal
Housecleaning - "To make a searching and fearless moral inventory
of ourselves".
�
A parable was given of
doing a business inventory. It is common sense in business to take
inventory, and if we have bad goods on the shelf then we remove
them. In same vein, we need to search for own flaws (inner layers of
the onion). Honesty is the key.
�
The main source of our flaws is resentment.
Resentment - What Is It
�
Duvid Chaim explained this very clearly and
succinctly. Resentment comes when we are not treated as we expect
to be treated.
�
Our level of resentment is in direct correlation to our level of
expectation from the other person. This is why our resentment is
greatest with those who we are closest to, and who we love (wife,
children etc.). You do not resent strangers because you have low
expectations of them.
�
Resentment is a major cause of spiritual
disconnection. When we try to be in control and play Hashem (trying
to be the controller in the control tower) and others don't do what
we expect of them, then we experience resentment. Like we've
discussed before in the group: "We need to fire ourselves from
being our own bosses and make HaShem our boss".
Homework
�
Duvid Chaim distributed a
"Review Of Resentments" worksheet for us to fill out, in which we
itemize who we are resentful at, the cause, and its affect on us.
�
When doing this moral inventory, the key is to stop using logic
(which is the highly developed mode of thinking in the Yeshiva
world) and instead get in touch with our feelings. Dealing
with these feelings properly helps to evaporate the lust.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Tips of the Day
Dealing with inappropriate thoughts
"Nura" writes:
What I do when one something inappropriate pops into my mind
uninvited is say "rachmana nigar
bei b'soton - may
the Merciful One battle the Yetzer Hara". This very
powerful segula was given by the Yetzer Hara himself to one of the
sages of the Gemorah. It always works, guaranteed!
"Will" writes:
My father once told me that if an inappropriate thought comes to
mind during tefillah, a person should press his big toe against the
ground... it really works!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Testimonial of the Day
"Ezra" posted a few weeks ago on the forum:
I am in my 30's,
have 5 kids have been married about ten years. I have had this
"struggle" for about 13 years. I got involved in online porn when I
was in college. I started with small things that eventually led to
watching things I never imagined I would look at. I couldn't stop
and didn't want to. I thought marriage would help, but it didn't. I
never really gave it a great effort to stop until now. I also learn
daily and feel that I have a great marriage. My wife actually caught
me twice, but being that I have developed a real provenience at
hiding, I was able to talk my way out of it and make sure it doesn't
happen again. The real kicker was last year. I was bored and stupid
at work and went to inappropriate sites and ALMOST got busted. I
decided then and there that I had enough. If I had gotten fired for
that, my career would have been totally messed up and who knows what
would have happened to my marriage. I was also having difficulty
doing my work, which I attribute to difficulties associated with
this problem.
So there you have it. I was looking for help, found the GYE
website, signed up, put on the k-9 filter and have been "clean" ever
since (38 days today). Not saying I don't have the desire, but I
haven't gone back there again.
Ezra posted again this past Friday:
I humbly write this next post as I am enjoying my accomplishment of
hitting day 60 yesterday. I went to the mikvah earlier today (erev
shabbos) and truly feel pure and holy.
My sense of appreciation to the GYE staff and those that have
supported me cannot be expressed enough. Over the last couple of
days I have been reading
the stories section of both men and their wives. The story of
the man that got busted talking to minors blew me away. Who knows
where my own internet problem could have taken me? I never got
involved outside of the web and certainly not with minors, but I
never imagined I would do some of the stuff online that I did. (I
write this with tears in my eyes). I have been tearing up a lot
today thinking about this issue.
You GYE people truly saved me. I have a beautiful marriage and
children and Hashem gives me so much, I could have lost it all (no
one thinks they will ever get caught). That scares the heck out
of me, and truly motivates me to remain strong. Thank g-d I never
hit bottom that way, but I think you have all provided me the
ability to "hit bottom while still on top". I am at day 60!!
And feeling great. I did the math, that is over 80 hours of my life
that I would have wasted (in many ways- hamevin yavin). THANK YOU!!
THANK YOU!!!
For those like myself who continue to struggle. Here are the three
things I can point to that have kept me strong:
1. Thinking about the above i.e. all that I can lose - marriage,
parnasah, my children, oy vey - is it worth it?!!!
2. Thinking about how I feel afterwards.
3. The filters I have installed (even though I know how to get
around them - they are still an additional step).
4. Having my name on
the chart and knowing that I would have to start on day one
again. I encourage everyone to
sign up for the chart, it is really helpful. It has stopped me
multiple times; I didn't want to have to publicly admit failure and
to start over myself.
Thanks again everyone, I am truly crying tears of joy and
appreciation today. I feel great and overwhelmed with joy.
THANK YOU!
|
558. |
"Kedusha" Lecha Yishaleishu
We would like to wish a big Mazal Tov to a great warrior
on our forum who goes by the name "Kedusha" upon reaching 90 days
clean and getting on to the "Wall
of Hashem's Honor".
He wrote on the forum yesterday:
With endless gratitude to the Ribono Shel Olam and to the GYE Chevra,
I have reached the 90-day milestone, with 4 days to spare before
Rosh Chodesh Elul. I look forward, b'Ezras Hashem, to building upon
this accomplishment, one day at a time.
Kedusha joined us right before Shavu'os, and he mentioned in his
first post that a Sefer Torah had fallen in his community recently.
Every Jew is like a Sefer Torah, with a Neshama carved
from under the Kisei Hakavod. When we fall into these things
and fill our eyes, hearts and minds with garbage, it is worse than
taking a holy sefer Torah and throwing it on to the floor R"L! We
are all KEDUSHA - holy. Let us learn from KEDUSHA,
pick ourselves up and dust ourselves off - as he did, so that Hashem
can hold us once again on his lap and give us a reverent kiss.
"Kedusha"
is not one to just pick himself up alone. Once he found our network,
he wanted to help spread the word to others who may have fallen
into these things and given up hope. He printed out a flyer
(download it
here)
and hung it up in various Shuls. Here is a post from Kedusha about
this:
With regard to the flyers that I put up yesterday, I davened in one
of the Shuls this morning (the one that has numerous Minyanim every
day). Before davening, the flyer was still up, but by the time
davening was over, it had been taken down. I think it's likely that
the Rav removed the sign (or even if someone else did, I assume they
would have consulted with the Rav). I wrote an anonymous letter to
the Rav, which I plan to mail today. Below is the letter (slightly
edited, to remove any identifying information):
Dear Rav ******, Shlita,
I put up the enclosed flyer on [the Shul] bulletin board on Tuesday
afternoon. By Wednesday morning, it had been removed.
As the Rav is surely aware, addiction to the Internet, especially
(but not limited to) Internet pornography, is a very serious problem
in the Frum world today. It affects not only the modern orthodox,
but people who are considered to be Bnei Torah as well. It is
unknown how many Bnei Torah are leading double lives and crying out
for help, with nowhere to turn. Imagine the pain of a Frum, Heimishe
father, attending his child's Siddur party. It should be a moment of
great Nachas. Instead, the father is ridden with guilt because of
where he was on the Internet the previous night.
For some people, the answer is to have no Internet in the home
(however, as the Internet becomes more and more essential, it is
becoming increasingly difficult to suggest this as a long-term
solution for Klal Yisrael). For those who need it, however, there
must be another solution. My solution, in part, has been to install
an Internet filter to which only my wife knows the password
(furthermore, in case the password is lost, it will be sent to my
wife's e-mail account, to which I have no access). In addition, I
realize that this is an addiction and has to be treated as such. As
with any addiction, I have no control over yesterday or tomorrow,
but I can work on being clean today, with the Ribbono Shel Olam's
help. I have been clean in the past, once for as long as 18 months,
but I always fell eventually. But now, for the first time, I have
somewhere to turn for help.
The website www.guardureyes.com (which is in the process of being
upgraded to www.guardyoureyes.org) has countless resources for
battling this addiction. It is a life preserver for those who are
drowning in a sea of Tumah. If the Rav is the one who took down the
sign, I beg him to reconsider. Countless people pass through [your
Shul], especially during the week. If only one Neshama is saved, it
would have been worthwhile for the sign to be posted. I, therefore,
humbly request that the Rav consider posting the enclosed sign, or
at least refrain from removing it the next time it gets posted.
In the merit of helping those who are trying to sanctify themselves,
may the Ribbono Shel Olam grant our Kehila and Klal Yisrael Bracha
v'Hatzlacha, and protect us from all harm.
Respectfully,
*******
Who among the readers of this e-mail
will take Kedusha's example and raise the banner of Teshuva & hope
for his brothers? It is right before Elul now. Imagine the merit you
can have if you save even one Yiddishe Neshama! There are Sifrei
Torah lying in the dust! Help pick them up and return them to
Hashem's lap! Print out
the flyer
and hang it up around your neighborhood, or leave copies in the
local shtiblach. Or copy Kedusha's letter above, and leave copies of
it around your neighborhood Shuls.
The Chovos Halevavos (Shar Ahavas
Hashem, Perek 6) says:
"And you should know, my brother,
that the merit of the believer, even should he reach the utmost
completion in fixing his soul for blessed G-d, and even should he be
close to the angels in their good traits and praiseworthy actions,
and in the efforts they expend in their service of their creator,
and in their pure love for Him, still do not reach the merits of
someone who guides people onto the good path and steers the wicked
to divine service. For his merits are doubled in relation to their
merits, for all days and all times".
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Anecdote of the Day
Sent to us by an anonymous writer
I would like to
recount a story that happened to me a year ago on Rosh Chodesh Elul.
I was in a very low mood with bad thoughts in my head. I was on my
way to Israel for the Chaggim. I had to take a stopover. The first
plane I was on got delayed for a few hours and I missed my
connecting flight. The airline put me up in the Hilton hotel for the
night. In the room was a clear lucid wide-screen TV. I started
looking through the options on the TV and found what I wanted. Until
then I had not seen real movies like that, but only pictures and bad
sites. I was literally one click away from these pleasures. I
thought to myself "here I've got a opportunity laid on a silver
platter, without no one in the world knowing". About to press the
button, I felt that I had reached the hardest nisayon in my
life. Suddenly I took hold of myself and decided I was not going to
give in. I showered, and while doing so I was mechazek myself. After
the shower, I was lying on the amazingly comfortable bed and
suddenly the desires came back with tenfold force. A powerful battle
was going on, "yes, no, yes, no". Suddenly a voice inside me says,
"I am sorry yetzer hara, but this time I won". It was the yetzer
hatav speaking. The next morning I got up and had to hurry, as I
was put on a early morning flight. I felt like I was in the seventh
heaven. Suddenly I felt above all the physical desires surrounding
me. I had to daven shacharis by the gate. It was the first
day of Elul, and although I did not have a shofar with me, I had had
my own wake up call. The euphoria lasted through Sukkos time.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Torah
Thought of the Day
By Pintale Yid
When Moshe first
saw the Sneh (burning bush), he didn't understand why the bush was
not being consumed. When Hashem saw that he was coming closer to
look, he told him to take off his shoes because he was standing on
holy ground.
My Tanya Rebbi explained this as having to do with a person
struggling with his Tayvos. The Yetzer Hara keeps burning, but the
bush is not destroyed. When a person is struggling, they might think
that their Neshamos are being destroyed. But if they take a closer
look, the bush is untainted - it isn't even blackened by smoke. Your
Neshama is as clean as it was before the fire started, it is all an
allusion that the Y"H has concocted for you, so that you should give
up and be his best friend for life.
Take off your shoes - dump the Y"H, because your struggle is
nothing less than holy ground. The holiest of the holy. Use your
past falls to propel yourself to greater heights. Know that while
you were struggling, every time you said "no", the Shechina soared
on high and was receiving tremendous bounty from the OHR AIN SOF.
Now when you dust yourself off and start the climb again, be assured
that you will shlep many others out of the mud with you.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Link of
the Day
From
Aish.com
X-Rated
This story/article was written by Aaron, a long time member
of our network. In the article, he describes his story and mentions
our site. This article will be read by tens of thousands of people
hopefully! (Add your comments at the bottom and let everyone know
how our network has helped you!)
Aaron's original story appeared on our website
over here. (Scroll down to the part called "Update 1" - from
when he hit 90 days, which is particularly inspiring)
(In the Aish article, direct references to "Torah" that
appeared in the original story were left out, since Aish wanted the
article to "talk to" even the non-affiliated).
|
559. |
Yakov's Journey
Part 1
When Yakov reached a half a year clean recently, he posted about his
journey to recovery and Teshuvah. I would like to share it with
everyone because it's very inspiring and there is so much we can all
learn from it.
Today we will address the first part of Yakov's post, where he
discusses the initial stage of his recovery. Tomorrow we will see
how he took his recovery to the next level through a detailed
process of "Teshuvah".
Yakov wrote:
Each person is unique. And each person finds precisely what works
for them. We do not all share the exact same struggle. Each person
has different needs in avodas Hashem. Each person deals with
recovery in a slightly different fashion. But what makes us a
wonderful family is that we recognize the unique facets of each
individual. We try to encourage and inspire, as it fits with the
receiver. My inspiration for growth came from this site and all its
holy people.
What we have built on this site and
forum is a very unique social network. The amount of emotions
and concern for one another on a daily basis is unmatched. This is
our success. As I wrote in
my ode, "when there is achdus, there is no yetzer hara".
People can come here at all times of the day for chizuk. People can
post their feelings without having to wait their turn. There is
always a listening ear. There is always a concerned spirit. There is
always comfort.
The real Teshuvah process only began for me about 5 weeks / 2 months
into sobriety. I did not use the ideas of teshuvah to make me
sober (and I don't believe that they should be). It was only after I
felt that I had maintained my sobriety for a period of time and I
felt an honest feeling to grow, that I felt ready to address the
steps of teshuvah as presented by the Rabeinu Yona and
the Rishonim. The word charata did not enter my
dictionary until this point started. I only knew words like
sobriety, protection, Hashem, etc.. I focused on 12 steps, Tehillim,
constant prayer (and I mean constant), and making small
changes to my daily routine that made a big difference. And I was
the first pioneer on the forum to take on the 12 steps by myself (I
had no clue that it was intended for groups, honestly).
Also, I used the partner/accountability system set up on GYE to help
me learn about myself by getting in touch with another struggler
like me. I corresponded with him for two and half months. We spoke
about a lot of things and clarified issues. (I recently put our
correspondences in a Word doc, and it came to 28 pages).
Here are a few good quotes regarding basic tenets of the 12 steps
that I wrote to my partner back in Feb:
"When it comes to self control, we
need to work on two contradictory things. First we need to believe
that we are in control of our actions. We make a strong decision
that we will not do this anymore and stop it. This comes after we
realize we can control ourselves... The other thing, is to
realize that in fact we completely lack control and only Hashem can
help us. We realize that only Hashem can give us the control that we
need. To do this, means to constantly daven to Hashem to protect us
from our own self-control. We need to internalize Hashem's control
over the world and us..."
[Feb 20]
"The difference this time, is that I focus
not only on abstinence but on building a constant relationship with
Hashem. The 12 steps helped me with that. I constantly daven to
Hashem, no matter what situation I am in. I could be walking in the
street, shopping, walking around my home, etc. I continue to talk to
Him. I say things like 'please help me not have any urges, and if I
do, give me the strength to surrender it to you". "Help me come
close to you". "Please guide me to make the right decisions".
[Feb
21]
"...I began for the first time expressing the
basic tenets of the 12-steps, which is that we are POWERLESS to
lust. I did not realize it at the time, but that is what it was. I
always said Tehillim, but I never davened in my own words for help
as if I could not do it without Hashem. When I discovered
this and began to use it, it was so powerful."
[Feb 22]
"What happens when the Yetzer Hara strikes?
Firstly, remember, you really are POWERLESS to lust."
[Feb 22]
"So I continue to keep my head high as I rely
on Hashem that as long as I continue to try to beseech him and do my
best at maintaining and building a long-lasting relationship with
him, He will protect me from all enemies, from both within and
without".
[Feb 27]
Anyway, for the
first time in my life I was able to wake up in the morning and say
Modeh Ani with kavanah. I thanked Hashem for real
for giving me life back. I thanked him for giving me another day to
live and become a greater person. For the first time in my life, I
began to really appreciate life, with all its hardships and
setbacks. All the knowledge that I had amassed over the many long
years of struggling came rushing down to me with clear
understanding. I was finally able to internalize all my knowledge
and bring it to my heart, as the baalei mussar tell us.
I spent the first two months of sobriety in intense davening to
Hashem to help me. I set aside time each day for tehillim (and
continue to do so) as I connected myself. [As an aside, if I am not
mistaken, this has been the approach of the early AA's as well. They
would encourage recovering addicts that after making a definitive
decision to remove themselves from alcohol, the needed to spend time
each day involved in religious work to connect themselves to G-d]. I
NEVER EVER wanted to go back to that dark world again. I had fallen
in the past and I knew it could happen again. I begged Hashem day
and night for eternal protection. I did everything in my means to
help myself. I understood in a very real way that help from Hashem
will only come if I put in all my efforts. And all my efforts were
exerted. The Rabeinu Yona tells us that a person who really
wants, tries. He explains that that is what bechira is
all about. It is about putting in all your efforts as you express
your true desire. If you want but do not do, then you do not really
want. You only want to want.
I needed to rebuild my life from the start. I began implementing
small changes that made a huge difference to my day. I understood
that without proper kavanah in Shemah, modeh ani and
krias shema al ha'Mitah, I would never gain the proper
perspective on life that I needed. I understood that without proper
perspective on love and intimacy, I would never survive. I took what
I always knew to be true and began internalizing it. I began
writing loving letters to my wife, as I expressed my emotions in a
very open way. I became more careful with inyanei kedusha.
This included sleeping in the right direction and stopping to invite
the yetzer hara into my life. I became extremely more
cautious in other areas as well, but I won't elaborate.
One great zechus that Hashem gave me, was that precisely
during my beginning days of sobriety, my wife and I had to remain
abstinent due to uncontrollable circumstances. My wife was sick for
an extended period of time. While it was initially frustrating, I
began to realize how much my perspectives on life and family had not
been internalized, and how selfish I had become. Also, during this
time, my wife was unable to handle most of the daily chores. I had
to help out much more, as well as offer proper comfort to her. This
meant learning to become sympathetic and expressing love and
concern. I began to understand that Love was not about romance but
about caring. It was about building an eternal bond of oneness with
another, which leads to a natural sense of concern and care. It is
about giving and not getting. And the more I gave, the
greater I felt. I transformed myself from selfishness to
selflessness. I was finally able to express my love to my wife
for real. Of course I always knew this. But for the first time,
I began living it.
In short; in the past, this long period
of separation would often lead to addiction and depression. This
time it lead me to sobriety and rejuvenation.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Testimonial of the Day
Yakov posted this comment on Aish.com's
recent article about porn addiction, which mentions our network.
Saved by Rav Noach
zt"l and guardyoureyes.org
This
article brings great joy to me, and I will tell you why. My first
exposure to porn came at age 10. My addictive behavior picked up
speed at age 12. When I was 16, I had a spiritual awakening and made
a conscious decision to stop. However, despite all my efforts, my
addiction grew and grew as it threatened my job, my family and ate
away my spirituality. At the beginning of Feb '09, I was introduced
to the guardyoureyes.org website. I still could not get courage to
pick myself up and beat my addiction. However, a few days later, Rav
Noach Weinberg zt"l (Rosh Yeshiva of Aish) passed away. I attended
his funeral and something magical happened that day, as I listened
to all the eulogies. All of a sudden I felt a sense of strength. I
felt a sense of meaning. I felt a sense of believing in myself that
I could do what G-d wants me to do. For the first time in a long
time, I felt that I could rid myself of this addiction if I only
wanted to and asked Hashem for help. That day marks my first day of
sobriety. From that day forward, I remained clean of this
destructive behavior as I learned to rebuild my life using the tools
on the guardyoureyes.org website. The story in this article and the
real person in it, were one of the major contributors to my success.
I thank G-d for bringing me to the right place for recovery and for
helping me recover. Thank you Rav Noach zt"l. With tears, your new
talmid, Yaakov
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Saying of the Day
By
"7Up"
Elul is a
'get out of jail' monopoly card. And with GYE behind you, the
possibilities are endless!
|
560. |
Yakov's Journey
Part 2
I
would like to take this opportunity to wish Yakov a big Mazal Tov on
the birth of his son last night! May he be zoche to raise him
Le'Torah Le'Chupah u'lemasim Tovim, and may Hashem save his son from
the difficult tests of our generation. And while on the subject, let
me ALSO wish a big Mazal Tov to "Efshar Lisaken" on the birth of his
son last night as well. Efshar reached 90 days just last week (see
Chizuk e-mail 553 on
this page).
Looks like it's a big day for GYE!
Today is Yom-Kippur Katan, erev Rosh Chodesh Elul. Many people fast
on this day, and special teffilos of repentance and Vidui are
recited. What better time could there be to bring the second part of
Yakov's post (yesterday we brought the first part), where he
describes how he took his recovery to a whole new level through a
detailed process of Teshuvah.
Yakov wrote:
For me, the after-shock of recovery was far too massive to just sit
back idly. My thirst for real Teshuvah was a moral responsibility
that I felt. I needed to connect to my spirit in a very real way. I
needed to do something. I was desperate to maintain sobriety. I let
my soul lead the way. My neshama knew exactly what it needed. My
hurting soul needed comfort and relief in a time of destruction. My
soul was was so happy to finally be allowed into my life and to
finally shine. When I felt pain about my past, I also felt joy. I
understood that I was removing the outer layers that cover the
spirit. I was getting in touch with myself for the first time in a
long while. I was finally able to cry the way I cried when I was a
youth, beginning my battle 15 years ago. This was a sign that I was
not 'cut-off'.
My need for proper teshuvah was from my inner spirit telling me to
do the ratzon Hashem. My need for teshuvah was not a 'method'
to remove myself from sin. B"H, I was beyond that. The day I decided
'No More', it melted away like ice in the hot sun. That part was
easy. When you truly want it, it is easy. AND I WANTED OUT. NO MORE.
But I still needed to do teshuvah. I needed kapara for the
past and tahara for the future. This has nothing to do
methodology of recovery [which we discussed yesterday].
Hashem sent his special messengers down to this earth to guide us,
like Rabbeinu Yona. I needed to understand the effects of my
past and ask for proper forgiveness. I knew that this does not come
to those who just want it. It comes after hard work of internalizing
the truth of the world. One must learn to understand. I have done
this many times in the past, but I knew this time would be
different.
For the first time in my life, I began to understand what Charata
(regret) really meant. I understood how charata has much more
to do with internalizing than knowing. Charata
is a feeling of astonishment and shock. The new person known as a
baal teshuva cannot believe what the old person did. This comes
only through a creating a new person; a person that has internalized
how terrible his acts were. A person that internalizes how great
Hashem is. With this, he becomes shocked and stands in disbelief as
he realizes how he has rebelled, destroyed himself, acted worse than
the animals, etc. But this is an avodah.
I learned to understand aziva hachet (leaving sin), and I did
everything in my capability to not allow lustful triggers to enter
my day, following the guidelines of halacha, as opposed to
idealistic thinking. (See the "Quote
of the Day" below, which discusses this same idea!)
I understood and felt "yagon" (sadness / pain at having
been lost) as my neshama unleashed itself, and it cried days on
end. (You can read more about yagon on this
post from April).
And I began internalizing daaga (worry) from the
yetzer hara, as I strengthened my fences. I became more careful
where I walked and with whom I spoke. I davened for protection with
greater conviction, as even the most remote possibility for sin was
scary to me. I was encouraged to increase my awareness of Hashem
with each passing day. I should never settle for yesterday's
accomplishments.
And as I feared retribution, I davened for salvation. I took each
minor mishap in my life as another brick of atonement. I laughed as
I was pained, realizing it is all a kaparah.
And the growth goes on as we move to hachna'a (humilty) and
then to sheviras hataavos (breaking the desires), and
onwards.
And I also knew that last year, when I went six months clean and
then fell, one of my biggest mistakes was not doing any vidui
until Yom Kippur. I am so ashamed of myself for this. (I had been
scared to say vidui only to be proven a hypocrite later
on).
I needed to get close to Hashem (again). I felt so distant from Him.
It was me that had created that barrier, and I would
have to work to remove it. I knew that I had gotten myself into
these things, and I needed to get myself out of it. I had made many
wrong decisions in my life, and it was in my hand - NOW - to change.
I needed to stop relying on others for chizuk alone, and I realized
the matter is in my hands to fix. I needed to stop thinking that
'Eventually I will stop, the problem will just go away on its own.'
As I removed myself from sin, I begged Hashem day and night to let
me back. He allowed me to come to his throne of glory for a period
of time (approx. 5 weeks) as I expressed all my inner emotions
directly to Him. Those were the most precious days of my life.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Quote
of the Day
Someone posted this comment on
Aish.com's
recent article about porn addiction which mentions our network.
I also struggled with this, coming from a secular
background where it would have been abnormal not to get involved
with such things, but now I'm living in a world of Torah and truth.
At first, even while being otherwise Torah-observant, I would find
excuses that would allow me to look at seductive photos, and that
would unfortunately lead me to more overtly sexual images. I've been
free from this for quite some time, and (more importantly) have
navigated away from tempting pages and situations very often without
fail. This is all the more interesting since my work very often
involves dealing within different worlds of the internet. The
solution for me was quite simple - study the halacha. Torah study
does many profound things for psychology and self-control, and on
the practical level, it functions as a very powerful, simple
reminder for how to live. The halacha for this is quite simple -
there is nothing totally prohibited about looking at nudity; for
example, a medical student is allowed under many circumstances to
examine a nude picture of the opposite sex. However, it is totally,
100% prohibited to "go after your eyes and heart"; in other words,
*anything* which turns you on in a negative way - that will possibly
lead you to a destructive path (e.g. masturbation, etc.), is
prohibited from looking at. The reason the medical student can do
what they do is that their mind is focused on something non-sexual.
If their mind starts to slip, they wouldn't be permitted to look at
it either. Now - when I find myself getting turned on from any image
(whether intended to be sexual or not), I remember the halacha of
"not to go after your eyes and heart" and I click away from it,
thank G-d. Not because I just think it's "bad" (which, in the
slippery-slope case of seductive pictures might not be enough of a
deterrent), but because I have a specific understanding of the
halacha, and I try to keep it, just like kashrut and Shabbat.
|
561. |
$90 for 90 Days
"Kedusha", who reached 90 days this week (see Chizuk e-mail #558 on
this page),
came up with an ingenious plan to help others reach 90 days
too - while helping GYE at the same time! He writes as follows:
I would like to suggest the following idea, and I hope others will
follow suit. I would like to, b'li neder, help out one member
of the GYE Chevra (who has been unable to achieve 90 days within the
past 12 months), and GYE in general, by pledging to donate $90 to
GYE if the selected member makes it to 90 days. This is a unique
opportunity to give a GYE member a special incentive to make it to
90 days, while helping out GYE at the same time.
Those who are interested in taking up the challenge should
send an e-mail with the following information:
1) How many days you've been clean (at least 3, but no more than
30),
2) A brief summary of your recent status (successes and failures),
3) Whether you have an Internet filter without access to the
password,
4) Your pledge to post honest reports of your status at least twice
weekly on "Wall
of Honor" section of the forum.
5) Your game plan for making it to 90 days without falling (you need
one - otherwise, GYE stands to lose out on the $90!).
Hopefully we will get more than one
offer to take up this challenge. I will choose one of them and let "Kedusha"
know who he is sponsoring (anonymous nickname only of-course). And I
hope we will also get others like Kedusha, who want to sponsor a
member (or more than one). Please send us
an e-mail
if you are willing to sponsor someone's 90-Day Journey by pledging
$90 for 90 days.
In the merit of motivating another
person, you will surely see siyata di'shmaya in your own
struggle as well. And what more beautiful way can there be to enter
Elul than to encourage another Jew to purify himself - at the same
time as helping GYE continue to inspire hundreds of others!
Le'taher eschem mikol chatoseichem... Lifnei Hashem Ti'Taharu!
Start your 90 day
journey TODAY; Rosh Chodesh Elul.
Sign up for the 90-Day chart
over here.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The Battle-Cry
By
Uri (headed back to Yeshiva for Elul Z'man)
In this week's Parsha it is written:
To my beautiful
most holy warriors:
This is it.
We are nearing the end.
The last stretch.
We have all spent the last bit preparing and purifying ourselves for
this moment.
We have been strengthening our connection with our loving Father in
Heaven.
The world hangs in balance as we speak, my friends.
The yetzer hara and the satan have been slowly taking
hold of much of the world we live in.
They have been poisoning minds and taking down people, left and
right.
Hashem has therefore decided that a new group must be formed.
This group is trained by the holiest men and consists of some of the
world's holiest and most fiery souls.
This unit I speak of is elite unlike any we have seen in the longest
of time.
It's a group fueled and inspired by love and courage.
This unit of the most elite warriors is of course: GYE.
Until now, we have been growing with each other, fighting powerful,
relentless and persistent battles. Now that the summer's over, it is
time to go out there and fight our King's war.
Some of us will be heading back to the Batei Midrashim, our mini
Beis Hamikdash.
And though we might think that our voices will only be heard nearby,
there is a microphone by our shtenders. And this microphone plays
our sweet music all over Hashem's beautiful world.
The trees in the Amazon forest will dance with love and admiration
for Hashem and his warriors.
The birds above the mountains of Switzerland will be doing flips in
the air when they hear the sweet sounds of Torah that are shaking
and reverberating throughout the world.
And in Eretz Yisrael, the beautiful magic of the country will soar
to levels words can't describe.
We are Hashem's most elite unit!!
We are Hashem's pride and joy!!
Our Yeshiva buildings are fortresses of kedusha!!
Our arguments in learning put a smile on our Father's face!!
Our tefillos go straight up to the highest places!!
If only we knew, my friends.
If only we really knew...
For those of us who are finishing vacation and heading back to the
business world, things can be much tougher.
You cannot always be in the fortress.
But Hashem is walking alongside you through your office.
He is sitting next to you on the subway and bus.
He is constantly giving you the warmest of hugs.
He is sending you out for the simplest of reasons: The kedusha and
love of G-d you all have attained here is tangible. It is obvious.
It is clear. And it is contagious.
Fight His battle!! We have faith in you. And more importantly, so
does He.
He would not send you out unless He knew you would succeed.
And the same goes for those heading to university or college.
And for those who teach, and for those who spend the day at home
with the kids.
Hashem brought us here. He collected us all, from the four corners
of the earth to bring us together to be His special battalion.
And it is that way for a reason.
Our battle is affecting every part of the world!
My dear friends,
Do you know who we are?
Do you know who we are??!!
DO YOU KNOW WHO WE ARE???!!!!!!!!!!!
WE ARE
G - Y -
E
And we are
ready for action!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Attitude Tip of the Day
By "Kanesher"
Focusing on the Here & Now
I read the
translation of "The
first day of the of the rest of my life" and it is absolutely
beautiful. The ideas of how the Yetzer Hara is fueled by
frustration, lack, and by trying to reach the stars in a single
leap... spoke to me deeply.
I also read "The
Big Book" over shabbos - it's fascinating. And the underlying
yesod, which is letting of the grandiose plans and focusing on the
here and the now in the form of "What does Hashem Want?" is
beautiful and freeing. It removes the pressure and the tenseness,
and it opens us up to true and natural avodah - which lets us
finally achieve our goals. The "lack" is gone - or better yet -
"filled".
Here's a great quote from "Zen and
the Art Of Motorcycle Maintenance" which I can't resist posting:
"... Phaedrus wrote a letter about a
pilgrimage to the Holy Mountain... in the company of a holy man and
his adherents. But he never reached the mountain. After the third
day he gave up, exhausted, and the pilgrimage went on without him.
He said he had the physical strength but physical strength wasn't
enough. He had the intellectual motivation but that wasn't enough
either. He didn't think he had been arrogant but thought he was
undertaking the pilgrimage to broaden his experience, to gain
understanding for himself. He was trying to use the mountain for his
own purposes and the pilgrimage too. He regarded himself as the
fixed entity not the pilgrimage of the mountain, and thus wasn't
really ready for it. He speculated that the other pilgrims, the
ones who reached the mountain , probably sensed the holiness of the
mountain so intensely that each footstep was an act of devotion, an
act of submission to this holiness. The holiness of the mountain
infused into their own spirits enabled them to endure far more than
anything he, with his greater physical strength, could take.
To the untrained eye ego-climbing and
selfless climbing may appear identical. Both kinds of climbers place
one foot in front of the other. Both breath in and out at the same
rate. Both stop when tired. Both go forward when rested. But what a
difference! The ego-climber is like an instrument that's out of
adjustment. He puts his foot down an instant too soon or too late.
He's likely to miss a beautiful passage of sunlight through the
trees. He goes on when the sloppiness of his step shows he's tired.
He rests at odd times. He looks up the trail trying to see what's
ahead even when he knows what's ahead because he just looked a
second before. He goes too fast or too slow for the conditions and
when he talks his talk is forever about somewhere else, something
else. He's here but he's not here. He rejects the here, is
unhappy with it, wants to be farther up the trail but when he gets
there will be just as unhappy because then it will be here. What
he's looking for, what he wants, is all around him, but he doesn't
want that because it is all around him. Every step is an effort,
both physically and spiritual, because he imagines his goal to be
external and distant".
And another great quote to this
affect, from Reinhold Messner who climbed Mt. Everest solo without
bottle oxygen:
"... So when I start to
climb-especially when I'm on a big wall, whatever difficulties - I
am so concentrated that there is nothing else existing; there's
only a few meters of wall where I am hanging and climbing; and
in this concentration, everything seems quite logical. There is no
danger anymore. The danger is gone... But the concentration is
absolute..."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Quote
of the Day
Someone posted this comment on
Aish.com's
recent article about porn addiction which mentions our network.
I am so thankful to Aish.com for this article. I have been in
recovery for about a year and it has changed my life. My story was
very similar to the writer's, but while I was in active addiction I
thought I was all alone. I struggled for years trying to stop
myself; crying every Yom Kippur and swearing "never again!", but I
kept going back. The harder I tried the worse it got. I fell deeper
and deeper into guilt and shame. I was a frum family man on the
outside but a real addict in my "other life". For the addict, it is
a physical, emotional, and spiritual disease, and all three must be
healed in order to recover. Now that I am in recovery, I have a
deeper and more profound relationship with HaShem and with everyone
around me. There is hope.
I am a member of Sexaholics Anonymous and when I walked into my
first meeting I was shocked to see it full of other frum people like
me. It literally has saved my life. B"H I was "only" addicted to
pornography, but others in the room were much worse off, and many
started where I was and progressed to far worse places (adultery,
prostitutes, drugs, ect). This is such a huge topic and can
literally save thousands of frum people's lives and marriages. I
would be happy to speak with anyone who is struggling. I remember
years before I found help I would e-mail rabbis I found online for
help because I was too ashamed to speak with someone face to face.
I'm sure you have and definitely will receive many emails of people
looking for help. If I can be of any help, please let me know:
yankysa@gmail.com. What a way to enter Elul. Thank you again.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Some Pep Talk from Mr.
B to a Bochur on the Forum
(If you see capital letters on
the forum you can be sure it's Mr.B)
LISTEN SLOW AND HARD MY FRIEND,
THE YETZER HARA IS A TRICKSTER.
HE DOES NOT "NEED" YOU TO TRANSGRESS ANY
SINS,
HE WINS THE WAR BY SIMPLY ENGAGING YOU IN
THE "SHAKLA VITARYA".
I FEEL BAD SOUNDING LIKE AN OLDER GUY
SAYING, "BEEN THERE DONE THAT"
(I HATED WHEN MY RABBEIM TOLD IT TO ME)
BUT DON'T WAIT TO BE MY AGE TO GIVE IT UP
IF YOU THINK IT IS HARD NOW...
WAIT... TZADIKKLE... OY..THE SHTICK HE'LL
PLAY.. OY THE NISYONOS..
THE YETZER HARA IS SO CREATIVE!
BTW TZADDIK, YOU WILL NEVER OUTSMART HIM.
DO NOT TRY, RATHER PLAY A DIFFERENT GAME.
YOU CAN NOT WIN THE YETZER HARA, YOU NEED
TO AVOID HIM.
YES IT IS HARD. YES, EVERYONE IS DOING IT. YES, YOU WILL HAVE
NEFILLOS.
BUT REMEMBER, THESE ARE EXCUSES NOT REASONS.
I WILL NOT JUDGE YOU. I HAVE NO IDEA WHY YOU NEED THE WEB, AND IT
COULD EVEN BE CURIOSITY AND BOREDOM - THAT IS NORMAL.
BUT MY GOOD FRIEND, I AM AN UPSTANDING
FIGURE IN MY KEHILLA
A GABBAI, A MAGGID SHIUR, A BAAL PARNASSA,
AND I HAVE A WONDERFUL FAMILY.
TZADDIK, I ALMOST LOST IT ALL TO
YOUTUBE.
PLEASE! YOU ARE SO CLOSE TO THE BEST YEARS
AND OPPORTUNITIES OF YOUR LIFE,
YOU WILL ONLY GAIN BY STAYING CLEAN!
|
562. |
Update on the
"$90 - 90 Day" Motivational
Strategy
By "Kedusha"
(See Chizuk e-mail #561 on
this page for the terms)
We already have pledges to sponsor 9 people's 90-day journeys, but
we don't have enough offers from sponsees. If you are ready
to take on the 90 day challenge and earn $90 for GYE, send us
an e-mail today - Rosh Chodesh Elul!
As "Kedusha" wrote yesterday on the
forum:
What an opportunity, quite possibly a
one-time opportunity, to have a special incentive to make it to 90
days! Who among you is motivated to help themselves have the most
meaningful Elul in years, followed by Yamim Noraim of sincere
Teshuva (preceded by true Azivas Hacheit), followed by a Sukkos/Shemini
Atzeres/Simchas Torah of pure spiritual Simcha, after which you will
be more than halfway to 90 days? And who knows how many suffering
Yidden will be helped if GYE has the wherewithal to reach out to
them with the funds to advertise? Here's your chance to help
yourselves and help others!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Parsha Thought of
the Day
By "Cleareyes613"
(Cleareyes pledged to sponsor FIVE guys for $90/90 Days!)
I was reading
this week's parsha and the following vort came to me:
Shoftim -
Perek 18 Pasuk 9: "When you come
to the land that Hashem your G-d, gives you, you shall not learn to
act according to the abominations of those nations".
Says Rashi - the pasuk does not
say "you shall not act", but rather "you shall not learn to act..."
Meaning, understand how destructive their acts are and instruct your
children to stay away from such and such an act, for this is a
ritual of the nations.
Rashi is clearly learning that when we and our children are in clear
and present danger from 'abominations', we must be active and
educate. We can't turn a blind eye, but must learn of the dangers
and warn regarding them! This Rashi is clear proof of the need to
warn our generation of the dangers of the internet, and not like
those who say better not to talk about it.
The next
pasuk continues: "There shall not
be found among you one who causes his son or daughter to pass
through fire.."
Can there be anything more dangerous than placing our children in a
room alone with an unfiltered internet!! Surely they will get
burned!!!
(Continuing the pasuk) "me'onain..."
What is a me'onain? Rashi brings down the Sages who say
'these are illusionists'.
Rabosai, is there a greater illusion in our days that the
abomination we call p*rn!!!! What we so desire and feel we can't
live without in one moment, (and which can ultimately lead us to
destroy ourselves, our jobs and even our families), after the act is
finished, POOF - like a cloud of smoke the desire is gone!
Hey, you have just been tricked by the greatest illusionist of our
time; p*rn!
Ok, so we
need to educate ourselves on the dangers of this great abomination
and warn others. But the illusion is so great, how can we not be
drawn towards it?
The answer is given to us in Pasuk 13:
"You shall be wholehearted with Hashem,
your G-d." Rashi explains:
'Walk with Him with wholeheartedness.
Look ahead to Him and do not delve into the future. But rather
whatever comes upon you accept with wholeheartedness, and then you
will be with Him and of his portion.'
Explanation:
'Walk with Him' -
this can not be done alone. You need to give yourself and the battle
over to Him.
'Wholeheartedness'
- the Torah does not say 'be holy', but Tamim, "be complete",
telling us of the need to create a strong foundation to build on.
'Look ahead to Him'
- don't try running away from the abomination, but rather run
towards Hashem!
'And do not delve into the future'
- don't tell yourself "its not possible for me to give this up
forever". For the future is in the hands of Hashem.
'but rather whatever comes upon'
- we need to live in the present.
'Accept with Wholeheartedness'
- and take one day (or even an hour) at a time.
'And then you will be with Him and
of His portion'.
Good
Shabbos and good Chodesh to everyone! May we be zoche to be with
Him and of His portion (i.e: part of the Holy GYE army)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q & A of
the Day
"Eden" wrote a poem & asks a question:
Once
I indulge in my vice, I transform.
I
become cold & unresponsive
Completely dependent on continued escapism.
It
becomes as necessary as food.
I
think of nothing but escaping.
People, my goals, my ideals, G-d, they all fade away.
My
stimulation, my escapism,
I make it my g-d, as I submit to my lust completely.
I
become an ardent worshiper of the stimulus.
Once I indulge in my vice.
My
brother recommends specifically the support and raw honesty of the
face to face meetings and urges me to look up local SLAA meetings or
SA meetings, as that was what lead him to sobriety for his
addictions (alcohol and drugs). I am nervous though, is this really
the best place to go for a lust and escapist addiction?
Dov Replies on the forum:
Dear
Eden, Thanks for your deep and heartfelt posts. My experience was
that I needed the face-to-face meetings for the reason your brother
seems to be implying: There is a unhealthy "cushion" that "virtuality"
- even by phone - provided me with.
Many addicts tell the same story. They seem to get a jump-start
from getting caught (some do not need it at all, though.) I
believe that by inviting (in their cases unintentionally!!) an
objective, other, real person into my little world, brings the real
me face-to-face with the fake me much more
effectively than I ever could on my own. And the two of them
need to be forced into the same room in some way, you know.
I don't know how old you are, but this idea reminds me of the two
captain Kirks (or the two Dr Whos) from different time dimensions -
if they ever met face to face, the universe would rip apart! Anyway,
getting caught, or inviting other - safe - people into our world,
usually rips that wacky universe apart. And that's good. It seems to
be necessary for many of us. Those who really do need it can get it
the easy way (joining groups), or the hard way (getting caught)...
Anyhoo, the SA White Book sounds pretty much up your alley (though I
now gain more from the big book of AA, myself), and know nothing
about SLAA or any other group out there. I'm straight SA, I guess.
Love and happy Chodesh to you and yours, reb Eden!
Dov
P.S. Incidentally, getting caught helped me, but it wasn't until
about a year later that I got the help I really needed when I
started going to meetings out of my own desperation and surrender.
It wasn't pretty, but it worked and is working so far with Hashem's
help. (Editor: 11.5 years!)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Link of
the Day
By Mr. B (Bardichev)
"GROW TO LIVE AND LIVE TO GROW"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Quotable of the Day
ELUL RECALL NOTICE
Posted by "7Up"
Regardless of
make or year, all units known as "human beings" are being recalled
by the Manufacturer. This is due to a malfunction in the original
prototype units code named "Adam" and "Eve" resulting in the
reproduction of the same defect in all subsequent units. This defect
is technically termed, "Serious Internal Non-morality," but more
commonly known as "SIN."
Some of the symptoms of the SIN defect:
[a] Loss of direction
[b] Lack of peace and joy
[c] Depression
[d] Foul vocal emissions
[e] Selfishness
[f] Ingratitude
[g] Fearfulness
[h] Rebellion
[i] Jealousy
The Manufacturer is providing factory authorized repair service free
of charge to correct the SIN defect.
The Repair Technician, Hashem, has most generously offered to bear
the entire burden of the staggering cost of these repairs. To
repeat, there is no fee required.
The number to call in for repair in all areas is: PRAYER.
Once connected, please upload the burden of SIN through the
REPENTANCE procedure. Next, download ATONEMENT from the
Repair Technician, Hashem, into the heart component of the
human unit. No matter how big or small the SIN defect is, Hashem
will replace it with:
[a] Love
[b] Joy
[c] Peace
[d] Kindness
[e] Goodness
[f] Faithfulness
[g] Gentleness
[h] Patience
[I] Self-control
Please see the operating manual, TORAH, for further details
on the use of these fixes. As an added upgrade, the Manufacturer has
made available to all repaired units a facility enabling direct
monitoring and assistance from the resident Maintenance Technician,
Hashem. Repaired units need only make Him welcome and He will take
up residence on the premises.
WARNING: Continuing to operate a human being unit without
corrections voids the Manufacturer's warranty, exposes the unit to
dangers and problems too numerous to list, and will ultimately
result in the human unit being incinerated.
Thank you for
your immediate attention.
Please assist by notifying others of this important recall notice.
Have an uplifting Chodesh Elul!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Testimonial of the Day
By
"Chasdei Avos"
Mazal Tov on one year clean!
Chasdei wrote today on the forum:
I would like to thank Hashem, Guard and all the old-timers on the
site for helping me reach, bezras Hashem Yisbarach, my 1 year
anniversary. It's not a coincidence that I'm zoche to this on Rosh
Chodesh Elul. Hashem should give each and every one of us the
siayata dishmaya we all need in this uphill battle, and send us
moshiach very very soon. THANK YOU ALL AGAIN!
When Chasdei first found our network he wrote:
WOW, do I have chills right now. I just
read this forum from start to finish and to say it is giving me
chizuk is a huge understatement. I am flying high emotionally. This
is the best preparation for the Yomim Noraim, a time when all of us
are trying extra hard to succeed. I am no prophet, but I can say
with certainty that Hakadosh Baruch Hu is looking down at everyone
on this site and kvelling with unbelievable simcha and nachas. All
we ever try to do is the ratzon Hashem, and right now, right
here, on this website, you guys are smashing the Samech-Mem (Satan)
to pieces and spreading the glory of Hashem's kingdom in the world,
which is precisely the point of Rosh Hashana. Thank you, and let
this be the reason you are all written in the book of Bracha, simcha,
Parnassa, and all good things.
6
Months later he wrote:
I am indebted to everyone here for all
eternity, because bli ayin hora - with ezras Hashem
always, I have been clean, almost as a whistle, since Rosh Chodesh
Elul. Hashem should continue to give us all the strength we need.
Around Elul time I lost my job, and
although I was not unhappy because I really didn't enjoy it that
much, I got down and frustrated a lot. However, I spent a few hours
each day writing on and reading this website. Since then, I feel
like I have broken free (hopefully) from the menuval. I now see that
I must kiss Hashem and hug Him a trillion times for giving me the
opportunity to be unemployed so that I could spend time on this
website. I davened for many years that I should overcome this
particular Y"H, and now (as Hashem always does, we just don't always
see it), Hashem answered my tefillos by taking away my job, so I
could focus on this addiction (which I never realized was an
addiction), and now I see the Yad Hashem.
|
563. |
In Today's Issue
-
Shiur
of the Day:
"Elul - The New Environment"
-
Parable of
the Day: "How does one attain JOY?"
-
Therapy Tip
of the Day:
CBT: Cognitive Behavioral Therapy
-
Weekend of
Self Discovery:
"Seasons of Transformation"
-
Story of the
day: "My Addiction Turned into a Blessing"
-
Q & A of the
Day: "How does admitting powerlessness work?"
-
Testimonial
of the Day:
"A Change in the Undercurrent"
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Shiur of the Day
"Elul
- The New Environment"
A
powerful shiur by R' Bentzion Twersky
(Originally posted by Kutan)
Aaron writes about the Shiur:
On
this page of the website (for example) there are tons of great
tips to help us learn how to guard our eyes. These tips can - and
do - work. But they still can take a lot out of us. There's a
constant struggle, sometimes we win and sometimes we lose (even if
you don't act out) and it's very draining. Instead, in this amazing
shiur from R' Bentzion Twersky, he discusses how the long term
answer is to address the root cause, which is; to change our
character so that this is not something we want. And if we
don't want it, we won't see it (he gives a mashal for this - listen
to the shiur!).
We can address
the root cause by focusing on what we want instead (hopefully Torah
and a connection to Hashem), and as we work on that we will slowly
become that. It's a lofty goal, but in the long run it will
put us in a different place entirely and all these strategies will
become unnecessary. And lofty goals are achieved step by step, one
day at a time. So start today!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Parable
of the Day
The Big
Question: "How does one attain JOY?"
By:
(Bardichev)
Let
me bring a Mashal from the Dubno Maggid:
Yankel the pauper was ecstatic.
The wealthiest man in town, Zelig, had invited him to his daughter's
wedding.
Yankel was
dreaming of all the sumptuous foods he will eat.
In his
foolishness, he decided to fast for 3 days in order to "build up an
appetite".
The day of the
wedding arrived, but Yankel could not move - he was about to faint.
His wife said, "you must eat now!" and she prepared him a "meal" of
moldy bread and rotten vegetables, some onions and oil. Uchh.
Yankel comes to
the wedding smelling from bad breath, his food coming up from his
stomach.
The waiters serve
the finest entrée.
Yankel says,
"uchh, it taste like mold".
"The soup tastes
rotten".
"The steak tastes
like old moldy onions".
The people around
him finally say,
"YOU TASTE AND SMELL MOLDY AND ROTTEN!"
"THE FOOD HERE IS DELICIOUS!"
MY DEAREST
FRIENDS,
TORAH & MITZVOS BRING A JEW TO THE GREATEST JOY POSSIBLE. SO WHY
DON'T WE FEEL IT? Hmmm... Maybe we are filling up on Yankel the
beggar's meal.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Therapy
Tip of the Day
CBT: Cognitive
Behavioral Therapy
By
"Net"
I've been seeing a very good therapist and learning more
about myself. It seems that my problem is not necessarily about an
addiction to porn itself, but rather, it's many things on the side
that bring it out.
Certain situations that I put myself into really seem to trigger my
problem. For example, if I had a day full of negative thoughts and
thought distortions and then I'll find myself sitting by a computer
in a library or some place private with a lot of work to do, I'll
get overwhelmed by the work and I'll feel really tempted by the fact
that the porn and the "escape" is so accessible... Eventually,
whether after an hour or even just a couple of minutes, I'll slip
up. It's almost inevitable, being that I'm in a bad mood, in a
private place, with a computer in front of me and wanting an escape.
So there are a few things that I need to fix. I need to stop the
negative thought cycle with CBT, so that it doesn't escalate. My
therapist suggested keeping a thought diary so that I can pick up
all the negative, subconscious thoughts and learn to combat them
with CBT.
I also need to make sure not to put myself into vulnerable
situations; like keeping away from the library computers at all
costs, making sure I have no access to the internet when I'm by
myself, etc...
And lastly, I need to find something else that is a way for me to
"escape" and take my mind off negative thoughts, but that doesn't
impact me in a negative way like p*rn or mast*n does (such as
exercise).
My therapist helped me set up a chart for my "thought diary" so I
can start to combat the distorted thoughts. I feel that if I fix
these things, it will fix the problem from the root. It doesn't work
for me to just say, "Ok, I'm gonna be clean, and that's it". There
are reasons behind the way I act.
Here are the columns of my "Thought Diary Chart":
-Trigger-
-Thoughts-
-Feelings and emotions-
-Behavior -
-Alternative thoughts-
-Feelings and emotions -
-What could I do differently this time or next time?-
Yechidah
Responds to Net on the forum:
I've read a lot on CBT in books written by David Burns. Look also
for books by Martin Seligman and Aaron Beck. His 2 books "Feeling
Good" and "When Panic attacks" are tremendous.
It pays for everyone to remember the thought 'distortions' and do
those writing exercises.
There is also a book called EMETT written by Miriam Adahan that
discusses this as well. A lot of her books are based on CBT.
CBT helps a lot. There's no hocus-pocus magic there. It's a lot of
basic common sense and logic. And if you keep at it, a lot of the
extremes of negative emotions are stabilized to a great degree, and
the mind and heart become much clearer.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Seasons of Transformation
A
Weekend of Self-Discovery
This Coming Friday - Sunday
Duvid Chaim, who moderates
one of our free 12-Step phone conferences, wrote as follows:
Rarely will you see me suggest any other Program besides
the GYE Programs, but I have personal experience with the "Call of
the Shofar" Organization - having attended one of their amazing life
changing weekends.
Run by an Orthodox organization, those who live in the NY area and
struggle with this addiction (which is often caused by underlying
issues such as R.I.D: Restless Irritable and Discontent)
would benefit immensely by attending this weekend.
Download a flyer with information about the weekend over here
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Story
of the day
"My Addiction
Turned into a Blessing"
A
comment by DMK on Aish.com's
recent article about porn addiction which mentions our network.
I got addicted in 7th grade, then, B"H, found God (or maybe
God found me) by 11th grade. Living at home the whole time, I've
never had therapy or a wife to work it out with, but I too labored
under the delusion that once I got married, my problems would be
solved and the addiction would go away. Also, like others commented
here, I would swear every Yom Kippur to give it up and never could,
till, with God's help, I have been clean 4 years now by taking it
one day at a time, praying incessantly, studying a lot of Torah and
eschewing, as best as a college student can, anything that might
lead my thoughts back. It gets easier, but it never goes away. I
know I'll never be fully healed. But I read this article on Aish and
I think how horrible my life would be now if I had stayed on that
path. And I look at the absolutely blessed, successful existence
that I have now, where I am a blessing to my family and to my
friends, and, I pray, to God as well, and I am using what I have
been blessed with to accomplish many wonderful things I never would
have even thought possible from a kid like me a few years ago. All I
can say is Baruch HaShem, may all addictions turn out to be the
blessing that mine has.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q & A
of the Day
How does
admitting powerlessness work?
Dave comments on
Chizuk e-mail #551;
Dov's Yesodos:
I am new on this website. I have now close to 9 months of
sobriety and I am very grateful to Hashem for this. It has given me
an unbelievable sense of living guilt-free and normal. Until I
started the road of recovery, I always felt like a fake, as if I
were living a double-life. The
SA program has brought me so much happiness and serenity. Dov's
Yesod is something I always felt was peculiar. Why is it that when I
try to fight the urge (in the past), I ultimately end up falling on
my face? But when I just say "Hey! I am powerless" then it ends up
"OK"? My sponsor tells me the same thing all the time so I know
it works, but I really don't understand the mechanics of
it. Can someone explain this to me? Thanks.
"Someone" tries to reply:
I may not be the best person to answer this question, but
I'll give it a shot anyway. When you fight the urge, what do you do?
You secretly (subconsciously) tell yourself, "I am strong enough, I
can do it, I do not need HaShem"... and fall. Because that is
arrogance and something HaShem has a deep disregard for, I think.
Why else does it say in the Torah "Let US make Man"? The
Supreme Being, the essence of everything, is talking to the angels
about creating Man. So if He was humble, how MUCH MORE
so do we HAVE to be humble?
When you ask HaShem for help (or say that you are powerless), you
are admitting that you are not that iron-willed superman. You are
HUMBLY asking for help. You are truly relying on HaShem to help you,
bringing you much closer to Him. And ultimately, that is what he
gave us the struggles for in the first place, I think.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Testimonial of the Day
"A Change in
the Undercurrent"
By
"Eye.nonymous"
I tend to be more logical than emotional, Litvish rather
than Chasidish. I'm usually very skeptical about these messages I
see often on the forum such as, "WOW, I've been clean now for a
whole week and I feel like a different person! I've got so much
kavannah in davening, and so much simcha all the time!"
So, I must report
that I have now reached 16 clean days. I've been clean before for 16
clean days, but never while I was consciously trying to get rid of
lust. And I think someone posted here, "One fall during
recovery is worth more than a clean day while you're not trying to
recover."
I can't say I'm
jumping for joy all day long, and I can't say I feel like I'm on the
moon when I'm davening. But I am starting to sense this subtle
undercurrent of simcha, which I have never felt before. And I
think it is a simcha that can spill into all aspects of life.
I feel a bit different towards my children, towards my wife, and
even towards davening. No doubt, it is due to my efforts in trying
to break free of lust.
Throughout these
weeks I have been telling myself over and over again, "Watch out
now! Be careful not to lust! Don't lust!"
I was surprised
that, even with my wife, the same message popped into my head,
"don't lust!" I realize now much more than ever before, I was
thinking of marital relations as the kosher outlet for lust. But
now, I sense that it is really supposed to be something entirely
different.
|
564. |
In Today's Issue
-
A Letter to the Rabbanim:
Build up your merits for Rosh Hashana!
-
Q & A of the Day:
"Do we have free choice or not?"
-
Attitude Tip of the Day:
"Jumping Back on the Horse"
-
Testimonial of the Day:
"I Had to Smile"
-
Jewish Spiritual Tip of the Day:
"Using Vows"
-
90-Day Game Plan:
Three Warriors Describe Their Plan
-
Torah Thought of the Day:
"Choose - Today!"
--------------------------------------------------------------
A Letter to the Rabbanim
Be a catalyst in saving tens or even hundreds of Yidden. We strongly
encourage everyone to check out
this example letter that "Kedusha" wrote, and to follow his
example by sending out similar (anonymous) letters to the Rabbanim
of your communities. Imagine the merits you'll have this coming
Rosh Hashana!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q & A of the Day
Do we have free choice or not?
"Snibril" asks on the forum:
Chazal say that "everything is in the hands of heaven besides for
the fear of Heaven". How does this fit in with the idea that we
should just give over the fight to Hashem? Doesn't "free-choice"
mean that Hashem gives the fight over to us?
Battleworn replies:
Hi Snibril! You asked a question that really requires a whole
discussion, but for now let me try to answer in short.
1) Our free choice is only in our
"ratzon -
desire". We have
free-will to get pulled after the desires of our body and make
that our ratzon; or we can get pulled after our
soul and our wisdom and make that our ratzon.
"Hishtadlus"
(practical efforts) are
part of this - because if we truly want something we will
act towards it. We need to put our ratzon into
action to make it real. But whether we succeed or not is only in
the Hands of Hashem.
2) We often have free-choice to stay out of a situation, but
once we get ourselves into the situation already, we may not have
free-choice any more.
3) It goes without saying that every person's free-choice is
only within certain limits, depending on his level. For example, if
someone never learned a word of Torah in his life and has always
been wasting his time on nothingness, he obviously doesn't have
free-choice to not be mevatel Torah at all. Of course, with
time he can get there, but right now there's nothing to talk about.
The same applies to a lust addict. In fact, the Ohr Hachaim
Hakodosh says explicitly that once someone got used to sinning
in this area, he can't stop al pi derech hateva (i.e. by
using natural means), rather only by using the power of Hashem (see
this amazing peice from the Ohr Hachayim
over here). When we have the wisdom to realize that the lust is
killing us and we run to Hashem to save us, then He makes a miracle
for us and saves us from the addiction.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Attitude Tip of the Day
Jumping Back on the Horse
By
"Will"
As soon as you get a bit too cocky and think "Hey, I'm
doing it!", Hashem gives you a fatherly pat on the back with a
serious nisayon and says, "Chill". That's what happened to me
today... I was doing great with the few errands I had to run, in a
semi crowded Israeli mall, keeping my head down and looking away
immediately upon inappropriateness... I was thinking, "Yetzer Hara,
bow down to your king." Then, for reasons I cannot elaborate on, I
was forced to go to the airport and surprise an arriving friend.
Surprising at the airport means waiting at the arrival hall and
watching every single person that comes out of customs. I was doing
well for a while... keeping my eyes in check. But after 45 minutes
of this... my eyes became a bit "loose". I looked twice at a few
women. Very upsetting. I basically ate treif a few times
while I was casually waiting at the airport! But sometimes, says R'
Tzadok, Hashem gives a person a nisayon that he cannot handle
just to see how he recovers. Does he get depressed when he falls,
staying on the ground and thinking "this is impossible"? Or does he
jump right back onto the horse? Baruch Hashem, He has given me the
strength to continue with this struggle right where I left off.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Testimonial of the Day
I Had to Smile!
By
"lamed vavnik" on the Forum
I am feeling pretty low right now. I'm going through a hard time in
my life financially, and I'm in the middle of switching jobs from
one that I liked to one I don't know anything about. My future is
totally unknown and I'm scared. But I just want to post that this is
the first time that I haven't tried to escape by acting out.
I needed to get my mind off of my troubles, so I opened up my
old chizuk e-mails that I haven't read yet. And I'm posting here
on
the forum. I also checked my progress on
the chart and I just had to smile: 20 days! I don't know
if I've ever done that in my life; for sure not with this
good of an attitude.
I hope that list of virtues for shmiras habris that was sent
out in the daily shmiras ainayim e-mails (see #204 - 207
on
this page) are true, because I sure need some
extra help to secure a job and a house now. But in spite of all
these worries, I definitely feel a sense of accomplishment in that I
am aware that this is a time of weakness for me and I must be extra
careful from the yetzer hara and not let him sneak in!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Jewish Spiritual Tip of the Day
Using Vows
Making Nedarim (vows) can be a very powerful tool in this
struggle, and Chazal indeed encourage Nedarim for these type
of tests. However, vows must be made very carefully and only for
short periods of time (at first) to assure that they can be kept
under all circumstances. See
this page
and
this page
of our site for advice on how to make vows safely and effectively to
help in this struggle.
A Bochur, who had been clean for many
months, recently wrote:
I had a fall recently, and afterwards I gave some thought to my
general direction. I realized that although I feel that I've pretty
much broken the HABIT, I need a stronger commitment to keep myself
strong when I get that rare POWERFUL urge that seems irresistible.
So right then, I made a neder (which I knew I could keep) not
to allow ANY lust for 2 weeks. That means visiting any site with any
lustful intent, or even allowing any lustful thoughts to remain in
my mind at any time. (I vowed that if I allow any lustful thoughts
to linger, I will do 30 push ups). It really seems to be helping! On
only a couple of occasions unwelcome thoughts have come to me, but
because I made a neder, they cannot stay, and just like on a fast
day I have no problem fasting and my stomach doesn't growl like it
would on a regular morning because it "knows" it can't eat, my mind
lets go of the thoughts immediately because it "knows" it can't
"eat". Soon the two weeks are up and I will renew the vow for
another 2 weeks, and I figure I'll keep doing that to keep totally
clean. The summer is a VERY difficult time, and overall I think it
was a success, with only 2 bumps in the road. I was able to prevent
myself from falling back into a rut, even when it seemed like that
was where I was headed. November will be a year since I started this
journey, and I'll be sure to keep you up to date on how I'm doing.
What you always say is so true: "The less you feed it, the less
you need it".
"Cleareyes613" wrote on the forum:
Today, I tried out a small neder (first time). I was alone in a
house (b"H someone took the laptop so I didn't have internet) but
there were plenty of non-Jewish magazines. The length of my neder
was just for the afternoon; that I would do 25 push-ups before
opening any non-Jewish material. After the fact, I think it helped
keep the pestering voices out of my head pretty well!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
90-Day Game
Plan
We currently have
14 sponsors for Kedusha's motivational strategy: "$90 for 90 Days",
but we only have 7 sponsees so far who have undertaken the journey.
Sign up today for the 90-Day journey and get a super-kedusha-boost
to catapult you into the Yamim Norayim! (See Chizuk
e-mail #561 on
this page for the terms of the "$90/90 Day" Plan).
One of the terms is to have some sort of "Game-Plan" for reaching 90
days. After all, it is important to realize that it is not through
our own strength that we can succeed, but only through Hashem's
strength. You may ask, "well, if it's up to Hashem, why doesn't
He just let us succeed?" The answer is, that He is
waiting for us to do OUR part. Although we need Hashem to
beat the Yetzer Hara for us, there are many things that we
CAN do as well. And as soon as we truly do OUR part,
Hashem does HIS - and vanquishes the Yetzer Hara for us!
I would like to share with you the
"Game-Plan" of some of the warriors who undertook the 90-Day
journey. We can all learn from them!
"Struggle" wrote:
My game plan to make it to 90
days without falling is having a support group to turn to if I feel
like I am in trouble. I am in touch with three people via the phone
if I need, and I also have this forum... I will stay in touch with
this site and the people on it. And I will also not watch TV.
"Eden" wrote:
I plan to read from the GYE handbooks, receive the Chizuk emails,
keep busy in college, learn Torah, avoid ALL of my addictions -
which include TV, comics, etc... and get support from my brother
(who knows about my addiction and has dealt with his own).
"Postal" wrote:
I plan on
doing at least 30 min of hisbodedus (introspection) every day, at
least one good deed done for others that I normally wouldn't have
done, using the computer strictly for Torah/GYE, Tikkun HaKlali
every day,
Back-to-Basics phone conferences with Boruch, speaking every
other day with my partner, at least 30 minutes of White-Book /
Back-to-Basics text / GYE texts, etc, and bringing the Yetzer
Hara to the Beis Medrash (i.e. learning during free time).
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Torah Thought of the Day
"Choose - Today!"
By
Eye.Nonymous
I saw this
amazing vort on last week's parsha. It's from sefer Kol Eliyahu,
selected chidushim from the Vilna Gaon. (I will paraphrase. It does
lose something in the translation, but I think it is worth a shot):
"Re'eh
Anochi nosayn lifneichem hayom bracha u'klalah"
"See I am placing before you today, a blessing and a curse"
It says
"I am placing" instead of
"I have placed" - which would mean that a person can only
choose a good path at the beginning, but once he has chosen a bad
path he is stuck with it. Therefore, it says,
"I am placing": A
person has the chance at any time to choose a good path.
A person might
think nevertheless, "what good will it do me to choose good? I
have accumulated so many aveiras in my life". Therefore, it says
"Today". Whoever
does Teshuva should view himself as a baby born TODAY.
A person might
yet say, "what can I do if the yetzer hara shall force me to
sin?" Therefore the verse says,
"Anochi" -
I, God Himself, will
help; you need not fear the yetzer hara.
A person might
say, "What if I'm the only one who chooses good? What is it
worth?" Therefore the verse says "Re'eh
- See (first person
singular)." Choose good for yourself regardless of what the
rest of the world is doing.
|
565. |
In Today's Issue
-
Survey:
Help us make this Chizuk List Better!
-
Attitude Tip
of the Day (Part 1):
"Who's the Dirty One Here?"
-
Attitude Tip
of the Day (Part 2):
"I Don't Want It"
-
Saying of the
Day: "Let it Shine"
-
A Letter to
the Rabbanim:
Build up your merits for Rosh Hashana!
-
Testimonials
of the Day:
From Aish.com
--------------------------------------------------------------
Survey
Help us make this Chizuk List Better!
Due to the nature of the issues discussed in the daily
Chizuk e-mails, it is understandable that we don't get much
feedback. However, it is important for us to hear from our readers
once in a while. In the early days of the Chizuk e-mails (see
here and
here for examples) the daily e-mails used to be much shorter;
just a thought or tip each day. As
our forum grew and the amount of amazing Chizuk shared there
each day grew along with it, I was able to make the daily e-mails
much longer and more informative. About two months ago, we started
dividing the Chizuk e-mails into sections, such as "Tip of the Day",
"Torah Thought of the Day", "Testimonial of the Day", etc... based
on the many categories & sub-categories of our
new website (see "Categories" on the side-bar for the structure.
Scroll down).
Just a few days ago, we started listing the different parts of the
daily e-mail on top, so people can see what's in that day's e-mail
in just one glance... But with all these evolutions and changes over
time, we got very little feedback from our readers - if
any. So I think the time has come to ask our dear readers for
their thoughts. PLEASE let us know your honest opinions &
advice:
-
Do you like
the new set up?
-
Do you read
the daily e-mails every day, or just once in a while?
-
Do you think
the daily e-mails should be shorter?
-
Do you think
you would read them more often if they were shorter?
-
Do you want
to hear more about specific topics, like "12-Step Tips", "Torah
Thoughts", "Stories", "Testimonials", etc...
-
Which topics
(categories) talk to you the most?
-
Are the daily
Chizuk e-mails helping you in your struggle?
-
Do you have
any suggestions for us, like maybe we should divide the chizuk
e-mail into multiple lists where people could choose what
categories they wanted to get each day, etc... And maybe we
should send out every day a paragraph or two from the
GYE handbook and
Attitude Handbook to help everyone go through them over
time... In Short: Whatever ideas you think might
make this service more useful for everyone, in your opinion.
-
Is there a
certain time of the day that you feel would be best to receive
the Chizuk e-mails, such as first thing in the morning or when
you get to work, or at night when you have more time on your
hands and need Chizuk? (Please specify U.S or Israel time).
-
Which foods
do you like best: Choulant, Sushi, ice-cream or Woodford?
(private joke for the
forum family :-)
-
Is this
survey too long?
Please send your
answers in to
eyes.guard@gmail.com.
Thank you!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Attitude Tip of the Day (Part 1)
"Who's the Dirty One Here?"
By
Dov
"Nurah
B'Amram" calls "FIRE" on the forum!
(His nickname and his calling "Fire" is based on a story in the
Gemara Kidushin 81a, see Tool #9 of
the GYE handbook).
Nura writes:
I'm coming off a very loooooong project at work, about to wrap it
up. I'm burned out and depleted, both physically and emotionally -
easy prey for that BIG FAT FAT BEAST commonly known as the Yetzer
Hara. Last time I fell, it was under similar circumstances - and
I seek no encore performance!
Recently I passed through the city of Sedom and Amorah on the
Hudson. I try to minimize my visits to that lovely island, but when
I do pass through there I make it a point of taking the FDR drive
instead of the West side highway because I believe there is less
"view" there and less billboards etc. (all those unfortunate enough
to travel there can relate).
The advertisers on these "un-holy" billboards don't spend millions
of dollars for nothing - they know exactly what they are doing. I
make it a practice of keeping my eyes strictly on the road and cars
ahead.... Nevertheless, there were two huge-multi-story billboards
at which I sorta glanced at from my peripheral vision... Perhaps
because I've been in a good state with Guarding-My-Eyes for the past
few months through the kindness of Hashem, I believe that I may be
in heightened state of sensitivity, and I can't get these images to
stop replaying in my mind!
So I'm going to YELL: "NOORA BEI
AMRAM - FIRE IN THE HOUSE OF AMRAM!!"
I pray the Ribono shel Olam should douse this fire... NOW!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dov (sober in SA for
11.5 years) responds to the cry:
Dear R' NBA (Noorah B'Amram),
Here's a water-bucket for you, Be"H: Yesterday, walking through the
very unholy-appearing NYC (from the Megabus dropoff three squirmy
blocks to Penn station) and then to my parents' home in Queens, I
had the peripheral vision experience you described at least 10
times. It's one thing driving around at home where I'm used to the:
-
very brief
eye-closing,
-
diverting my
mind to reality,
-
the
surrendering of curiosity to Hashem, and
-
the choice of
safer routes to avoid "trouble".
It's an entirely
different experience having the sewage poured on me as
I go through that town! Now, I do believe Hashem has the "brawn" and
the "brains" to save me from that too if push comes to shove, but I
wasn't used to that feeling (anymore).
So, here is my share to you, NB'A:
I became aware that I was starting to feel "dirty" at some point,
after getting "splashed" by a few "lust-puddles". I started to feel
quite the victim. Not good. But what was worse was that I
started to feel dirty. Dirt attracts only more dirt, of
course. I realized that no matter how "dirty" I was, it'll do me no
good at all to "live in the problem".
Then the thought occurred to me, that Chazal talk about
"Im paga BOCH menuval zeh
- if this pervert accosts you....".
And with Hashem's loving help (He is wild about me, you know), it
dawned on me that Chazal are calling the Yetzer Hara
the "menuval", not me.
I'm the "boch" who
they are referring to, of course. But on a deep level, I realized
that while feeling "dirty" I was actually identifying/confusing
myself with the menuval!
As soon as I became aware of that, I chuckled again
at how goofy an addict can be (very, very goofy, in fact!) and I
asked Hashem for help, being that I am an easily tricked man. Then
we (Him and me) went on to my parent's home (my earliest acting out
incubator!!) and had a great time with them, clean as a whistle.
He really is the best Friend one could ever ask for, no?
And I don't care how low any Yid goes; as soon as he doesn't want to
be so, he is not really dirty at all!
So if I ever feel farschmutzed (dirty) again, I guess Hashem
will help me just "close my eyes" to my own craziness and help me
have simple faith that I am actually a holy man with a
blazing, ancient light inside, and a burning flame in his heart,
walking through this "big city filled with people who don't know
their right from their left"!
Sorry about waxing poetic. Hope you get the practical suggestion.
Just an addict sharing, really.
Love,
Dov
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Battleworn
responds to Nura's Cry:
Now that you screamed "FIRE", I would humbly suggest that
you start screaming at the menuval, "SHUT UP YOU LIAR!" and tell him
that he's making a big deal out of nothing. All you saw is a
piece of raw meat that some weird people worship. There's nothing
there at all (except a lot of pain). And most important to remember
is that everything will be absolutely FINE if you just walk
away.
The menuval
makes it in to a whole emergency and tells us that we're going to
explode, etc., when all we really have to do is turn our backs on
the whole thing and let go of it. And of course when we do
that, we've accomplished the greatest accomplishment in the whole
world!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Attitude Tip of the
Day (Part 2)
I Don't WANT It
By "Will"
Shabbos was amazing. Baruch Hashem, not many struggles with lust
except for a few inappropriately dressed - so called - "tznius"
women. When I would spot them in the distance, my head went down and
I kept thinking, "Their mode of dress is disgusting. I will not
contaminate my holy Neshama, my gift from Hashem".
I've been thinking a lot about what Rav Miller discusses in Day 4 of
"Windows
Of The Soul"; that we are a holy nation, and keeping our eyes in
check should be done to keep ourselves holy - like we are meant to
be. This has made Shmiras Einayim a lot easier for me to deal
with, because I no longer view it as "combating lust"...
Rather, I see it as keeping myself holy because that is what
Hashem created me for. Like many people have said on the forum,
its not about wanting lust and running away from it; it's about
never wanting lust because it repulses us. A person should
not be thinking to himself, "I really want to fantasize about
this woman, but I won't because it's against my morals", rather
he should be thinking "That is absolutely disgusting to
me".
I like this approach a lot, especially since it means that I won't
be running away my entire life... I won't be walking with my
head down everywhere I go until I'm 90 and my libido has sputtered
out. Hashem will have transformed me into a different person, a
person who despises lust because it goes against the very grain of
my essence - holiness.
Like "Kutan" so beautifully said (on the forum): I need to "despise lust,
without any price... even for free... even if they'd pay me...."
And I beg Hashem that he leads me to that holy state.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Saying of the Day
Posted by "Yechidah" from a book by
Tzvi Freeman; "365 meditations of the Lubavitcher Rebbe" (#235):
"Our souls
cannot be broken that they should need repair, nor deficient that
they should need anything added. Our souls only need to be uncovered
and allowed to shine".
(Ties in perfect with what Dov &
"Will" wrote above)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A Letter to the Rabbanim
Be a catalyst in saving tens or even hundreds of Yidden. We strongly
encourage everyone to check out
this example letter that "Kedusha" wrote, and to follow his
example by sending out similar (anonymous) letters to the Rabbanim
of your communities. Imagine the merits you'll have this coming
Rosh Hashana!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Testimonials
of the Day
Some comments on Aish.com's
recent article about porn addiction (which mentions our
network).
Thank you Aish HaTorah:
Aish is to be commended for having the bravery to publicly raise
this topic which is taboo in many circles. I have struggled with
these issues for many years and can identify with the feelings
expressed here. The article made me aware of the existence of the
guardyoureyes.org website, where I found help, support, advice and
stories of both struggle and recovery. For the first time, I do not
feel alone in this problem. I have been able to admit to myself that
I have an addiction, similar to someone suffering addiction to
alcohol or drugs. I also feel an increased sense of confidence that
this problem can be overcome. I hope that through this article Aish
will have helped me and others like me to turn a corner in our
lives. I ask Hashem that this Chodesh Ellul we should be able to
fulfill our lifelong dream of Teshuvah. Thank you Aish.
GardYourEyes helps me also:
I am still battling with this problem but "GuardYourEyes", as they
are called, are a great source of support and wisdom. I go back and
forth but hopefully this stupid struggle will end soon. I have known
it was no good for years, and it has harmed my relationship and my
soul.
Thank you:
Dear Aish... Thank you again for your courage to bring this out to
the open. I have been battling this "cancer of thought" for years
and feel so ashamed. I had no clue where to even start to look for
help. I just looked at GuardYourEyes.org - and it is nothing but
from Hashem - at a perfect time. May Hashem keep giving you (and the
rest of us who battle with this) continued strength to overcome this
challenge.
|
566. |
In Today's Issue
-
Special
Announcement:
Elya is Back!
-
Anecdote of
the Day: "30 Seconds"
-
Testimonial
of the Day:
"I can always change course"
-
Shiur of the
Day: Rav Orlovsky on Elul
-
Saying of the
Day:
"The Tradeoff"
-
Daily excerpt
from
the GYE Handbook:
Excerpt #1
--------------------------------------------------------------
We would like to thank all those who answered
yesterday's survey. We also appreciate those who did not
reply; it helped answer question #2 for us, which was: "Do you read
the daily e-mails every day, or just once in a while?" :-)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Special
Announcement:
After a two week
hiatus, Elya's Thursday evening phone group is back!
"The Jewish Healing Group", Elya's (anonymous) phone
conference, is an introductory 12 step discussion group patterned
after SLAA (Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous). When you join this
group you will be introduced to the problem, the solution and begin
to heal by listening to others share their experiences, strength and
hope. Sharing is encouraged but not required. Questions are
welcome. Members who attend regularly now, have months of sobriety
under their belts. They describe in meetings how their lives have
changed dramatically at home, at work and in social situations, even
in their relationship with Hashem. They have begun to explore the
root causes of this disease and are learning how to live a life of
spiritual connection instead of fantasy.
For more details
on the call and the phone number to call in, see
this page.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Anecdote of the Day
"30 Seconds"
By
"Will"
I'm in the middle of learning a sweet daf of Gemara... My chavrusa
and I are throwing out questions, finding answers, formulating
different mehalchim. There is no room for the Yetzer Hara in
mind. Or so I think... We get stuck on a piece, brainstorming for a
few minutes...
"I got it!" shouts my chavrusa. I look at him. He smiles and begins
to build his case with his signature hand motions.
Just then, the Yetzer Hara hits... it was a surprise attack -
completely out of nowhere. He had gotten past my defenses and was
staring me in the eye... alone, at first.
"Hey Will", says the Y"H, a troubling grin on his face.
"Get out of here", I shoot back.
He smiles... "I'm going, I'm going... but, uh... I just thought I
should tell you that, uhh... your neder (vow) expired
yesterday... y'know, the one you had against intentionally looking
at 'exciting things' and acting out. Well, it's over... which means
that technically, you can do whatever you want now... and it
wont cost you a thing. Anyway, I'll, uhh... I'll leave now." He
began walking towards the end of my mind, disappearing behind a
recess.
My face goes white. I was doing so well that I had forgotten to
renew the neder before it expired.
"Oh no." I think... "This Yetzer Hara is too powerful for me to
battle without a tangible ally (my neder)."
I frantically look around for Menachem, the guy I make my nedarim
with. He's nowhere in the Beis Medrash. I look for the Yetzer
Hara... he's nowhere to be found... he has left me alone. He just
planted the idea and left.
"Ok, no biggie", I think to myself. "He's gone for now... I can make
it through the rest of this daf, and then I'll call Menachem to
schedule an emergency neder session."
I calm down a bit... and look back at my chavrusa. He's still going
at it, clarifying his mehalech and pointing excitedly all
over the daf and its neighbor. I try to put my mind back into it
entirely. I'm just finding the place, when suddenly.... BOOM.
The Yetzer Hara comes racing out into my conscious, fully dressed in
his battle gear. But this time he's not alone... an entire army
flanks his right and left... an army of memories. Every image that I
ever tried to forget, every fantasy I ever had... they were there,
and advancing. "Oh no... I fell for it!", I yell... "THE RETREATING
ATTAAAACK!!!" I run for cover, falling back into battle stance...
looking desperately for backup... but no... all of my defenses are
too distant to utilize.
The Yetzer Hara and his army were getting closer and closer... their
spears forming an impenetrable wall, threatening every area of my
exposed neshama. They were not letting up. I look at the
massive army and its general... there is no hope. Caught off guard
with no defenses, it was "shooting fish in a teacup" - and I was the
fish.
"I'm done for", I think... "his army is too powerful."
I slowly put down my weapons. "It was a good streak... but nothing
lasts...", I think sadly.
The Yetzer Hara is smiling... victory is his, yet again. I begin
scheming for my acting out, the Yetzer Hara being very helpful...
And just then it hit me. "That's it! Nothing lasts... nothing
lasts... NOTHING LASTS!!! All of these memories that are
threatening my neshama... all of these 'pleasures' that are
promising me happiness... they DON'T LAST! Why in the world should I
even think about giving in to such fake fulfillment?"
And that's when I heard the air sirens... a formation
of thousands of planes coming out of nowhere. I squinted towards
them... they were friendly! They were allies! They were sent by
Hashem himself!
I watched as the air strike flew in low, letting loose a barrage of
missiles, assaulting the Yetzer Hara's army. Memory by memory, each
one was blown up... any temptation that I had as a result of them
were obliterated along with them. I scrambled for my weapons and
began running towards the Yetzer Hara. "GET OUT OF HERE!!", I
screamed. The Yetzer Hara looked at me, dumbstruck, and ran helter
skelter in the opposite direction.
"Phew... that was close!"
I looked back at the planes just in time to see them get back in
formation and disappear into the horizons of my mind.
I looked up. "Thank You Hashem... Thank You!"
"And THAT'S exactly what Rashi was hinting to over here, and now it
all makes sense!! Gevaldig!" finished my chavrusa.
"Uh, WOW! Good thinking!" I quickly said.
We both looked back into our Gemaras... I sneak a peak at my watch.
That was the longest 30 seconds of my life.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Testimonial of the Day
"I Can Always Change Course"
By
"ILoveHashem"
I was listening
to a song by Avraham Fried recently, and every time I think about
it, it really gives me chizuk: "Haneshoma
yoiredes lesoich haguf. Yerida zu letzoirech aliya, ad shekol zeh hu
kedai - The soul
comes down into the body, going down for the purpose of going up,
until it was all worth it"... And I suddenly thought
to myself, "Hey, my pure neshoma was brought to this lowly world
for a purpose; to keep going up and shteig. Even though I've
fallen this low, I can always pick myself up again and change my
course of life to a life of total kedusha, to the point that
my neshoma was worth coming down.
This site has really helped me, including the daily emails. For two
weeks I have not looked at p*rn, although it is taking me time to
really learn to guard my eyes and thoughts properly.
I was thinking, that if you convert GYE to Hebrew letters, it spells
out 'gei' which means valley. GYE is a really a lifesaver to those
in the valley of spiritual death; a real help to begin again the
aliya in kedusha. Chazak Ve'ematz!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Shiur
of the Day
Rav Orlovsky on Elul
Entertaining & Life Changing!
Some points from the Shiur:
"Just because you're in a
state of Tuma doesn't mean you are Tamei"
"Everybody falls down, that's
part of life."
"Do Teshuva slowly, one step
at a time."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Saying of the Day
"The Tradeoff"
"Kedusha"
shmoozing with the Yetzer Hara.
"Hmmm... you want me to look at pornography,
Yetzer Hara? Why? Did you say it will give me pleasure? Well, that's
an interesting tradeoff, Yetzer Hara; pleasure for a few minutes and
then I'll feel horrible afterwards for days! Can I perhaps sell you
a bridge in Brooklyn, Yetzer Hara?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
For those who find it hard to find the time
to read through the GuardYourEyes Handbooks, we will try and bring
an excerpt each day from one of the handbooks; either from
the GYE Handbook - with 18 tools to breaking free of Lust
addiction (in progressive order), or from
the Attitude Handbook - with 30 principles on the correct
perspective and attitude on this struggle. In this way, everyone
will have a chance to go through both handbooks over time!
Daily excerpt from
the GYE Handbook
(Right-click the link and press "Save Link/Target As" to download
the e-Book)
Excerpt
#1
The Preface
Although we were raised religious, we found ourselves acting in ways
that went against what we had been taught. Sometimes we came to
believe that we never really had Emunah in the first place, or that
we were simply "weak-willed" people with a "stronger than usual"
Yetzer Hara.
After
a while, we may even have come to think that we were anyway
too far gone, and that Hashem surely despised us by now, or had
abandoned us.
Then we found the GuardYourEyes Network - an entire community
of Jews just like us.
We
discovered that we weren't alone and that it wasn't our fault. We
learned that these behaviors are highly addictive, and what had
started out many years ago as innocent curiosity or typical
"teenage" problems, had led us into a full blown addiction, which is
really a type of disease.
We
discovered that Hashem had not abandoned us after all, but rather
had a beautiful plan for us. And as we joined the GYE community, we
began to see that plan unfold.
We
learned that we really COULD change. All that was
needed to begin our journey was acceptance that we had a
problem.
The
soul of every Jew cries inside of them, but we had accustomed
ourselves to blocking out that cry. With proper guidance though, we
began to discover that the Emunah we thought we never had, was
really there all along.
The
word "kofer" comes from the word "covered over" (as in the word "kapores").The
faith of even the biggest Jewish kofer is only "covered
over". Every Jew believes deep down. It is an instinct that
we inherited in our very genes, going all the way back to Avraham
Avinu. And like birds that can fly thousands of miles back home
without ever having learned how, all Jews find their way home
if they just follow their hearts.
Every Jewish life is a song in Hashem's honor. After 120, we will
stand before Hashem and cry as the most beautiful song of "our
lifetime" is played back before us. We will finally understand how
much Hashem truly loved us all along, and that all the
suffering and distance that we felt during our lives were really all
part of a magnificent harmony.
A
revolution is happening today in the GuardYourEyes community.
Hashem has waited all this time for us to read
these lines and feel the stirrings of hope awaken inside us.
Today we will begin to feel the harmony of that beautiful song
Hashem is playing with our lives, using the strings of our hearts as
the notes...
Welcome
Home!
|
567. |
In Today's Issue
-
Please Note:
Elya is Back
Tonight!
-
Link of the
Day: Poem - "Goodbye to Addiction"
-
Saying of the
Day: "Courage"
-
Filter Tip of
the Day: surfscope.com
-
Torah Thought
of the Day:
From Sefer Hachassidim
-
Attitude Tip
of the Day:
"Happiness"
-
Testimonial
of the Day:
"Yetzer Hara; you goin down!"
-
Daily
excerpts from
the GYE Handbook:
Excerpt #2
--------------------------------------------------------------
Please Note
After a two week
break, Elya's
Thursday evening phone group is back again starting TONIGHT -
with a whole new perspective!
Elya
posted on the forum:
I recently attended an Emotional
Sobriety Intensive. It was 10 days of intensive therapy, group
therapy, body work, breathing and relaxation, to learn how to become
not only sober but emotionally sober. If you've ever read the
AA big book you'll discover that although some people don't drink
again, they remain "dry drunks." They have not perfected their
middos and are still irritable and discontent, despite not drinking.
In today's phone call, I will be
sharing some experiences from my 10 day Emotional Sobriety
Intensive.
For more details
on the call and the phone number to call in, see
this page.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Link of the Day
A
Poem
"Goodbye to Addiction"
by Elya
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Saying
of the Day
"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes
courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying, "I will try
again tomorrow".
-
Tomim
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Filter Tip
of the Day
By
M.B
I own a SurfScope
router (www.surfscope.com)
and I have not been able to defeat it. It records the computer
screen, stores the captures on the router, and replays it over and
over later on the screensavers. The screensaver feature is
convenient, because who has time to manually look through hundreds
of captures every day? It uses encryption, and if you try to tamper
with anything, it cuts your internet connection. The website also
has a video that describes how it works. The router resides in a
locked cabinet that uses a weird lock that locksmiths have not been
able to pick. The settings can not be changed without the key.
(One's wife or an accountability friend holds the key).
Note: It is not a filter, so you can get to any
website you want as long as you don't mind your wife and kids seeing
the captures on their screensavers with daddy's name on it.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Torah Thought of the Day
"Sefer Hachassidim"
(173)
Should a sin come to a person, he should think to himself that if
they would decree upon him to convert he would willingly let himself
be killed for Kiddush Hashem, so if he would let himself be killed -
which is such a difficult test to withstand, how much more so should
he not let himself sin in this far easier test!
And if one should have fantasies in middle of prayer, he should
press his big toes into the ground strongly, and lean his whole
weight upon them without holding on to the wall, and this will
remove from him all types of fantasies...
... And should a sin present itself to a person, he should pray for
Hashem to save him from it with all his heart; for on temporary
suffering a person prays, so on eternal suffering which has no end
and no measurement, how much more so should a person pray much!
And if one succeeds to overcome his urge and not sin, let him not
give himself credit and say, "what a Tzadik I am, that I
withstood this test", rather let him praise Hashem that he
didn't sin, for all hearts are in Hashem's hands, as it says in
Mishlei (21:1) "rivers of water, the heart of the king is in
Hashem's hand, to wherever He desires he turns it", and it says
in Bereishis (20:1), "and I have also withheld you from sinning
to Me".
... And the Yetzer Hara is similar to an "itch". If one continuously
scratches the itch, it will bring up scars, but if he holds back
from scratching it will go away.
To
see the full piece in Lashon Kodesh,
click here.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Attitude Tip
of the Day
Happiness is something we choose
"The Wise Old Man"
Download the PowerPoint Presentation
(Right-click the link above and press "Save Link/Target As" to
download)
(Thanks to "7Up" for sending it to us!)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Testimonial
of the Day
Yetzer Hara; you goin down!
"Will" writes:
The more I read through the posts here on
the GYE forum, the smaller I feel. Everybody here has an
incredible drive for truth, and an unbelievable WILL (no pun
intended). I came here a few days ago thinking I knew a bit about a
few things, and now I shamefully hang my head realizing that I know
nothing about anything. Everybody here has given me tremendous
chizuk, whether they realize it or not... and it is that chizuk that
forces me to stare my biggest problem in the eye. Baruch Hashem, not
acting out is an easier battle for me now... and it was perhaps the
victory of that skirmish (breaking the cycle) that made me think I
was almost done... but I have conveniently neglected the root of it
all: Shmiras Einayim. It is extremely hard for me to keep my
eyes to myself. Unbelievably hard. But with Elul here, I cannot ask
Hashem for forgiveness of my past if I have not done my part. For
the next 90 days, I will give Shmiras Einayim my every
effort. And I don't care how hard it is.
So
here I am, trembling as I think about the challenge of the coming
months... But I do know one thing... Yetzer Hara? You goin down!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
For those who find it hard to find the time
to read through the GuardYourEyes Handbooks, we will try and bring
an excerpt each day from one of the handbooks; either from
the GYE Handbook - with 18 tools to breaking free of Lust
addiction (in progressive order), or from
the Attitude Handbook - with 30 principles on the correct
perspective and attitude on this struggle. In this way, everyone
will have a chance to go through both handbooks over time!
Daily excerpt from
the GYE Handbook
(Right-click the link and press "Save Link/Target As" to download
the e-Book)
Excerpt
#2
From the
Introduction
Welcome to the GuardYourEyes community, a vibrant network
and fellowship of religious Jews of all affiliations, struggling to
purify themselves and break free of inappropriate behaviors stemming
from Lust addiction. Our network is comprised of a website:
www.guardureyes.com, a dynamic blog-site at www.guardyoureyes.org
that offers new material, tips, stories and articles every day, RSS
feeds (coming soon), and a pulsating
forum where members post logs of their journeys to recovery, ask
questions and exchange tons of Chizuk with the rest of the
community. Besides all that, the GYE network provides weekly
phone conferences, as well as
hotlines - both in the U.S and Israel, and two daily Chizuk
e-mails, (1) "Learning to break free of Lust Addiction" and (2)
"General Chizuk on Guarding the Eyes". We also help people find
accountability partners and sponsors, and we have a
90-Day Chart where our warriors can
sign up to chart their successes and keep a log of their journey
to recovery.
For the
first time, a religious Jew has where to turn to for help in this
area, as well as an entire network of tools, tips and group support
to help break free of the insidious grasp of this addiction. All our
work is free of charge (although
donations are our life-line) and we zealously protect the
complete anonymity of all our members. On our forum, the charts, the
hotlines and the weekly phone conferences, only nicknames and
non-revealing e-mail addresses are used. For starters, you may want
to make yourself an anonymous e-mail address (something like
newstart@gmail.com), as you enter our community.
Through
the collective experience of the entire GYE community, and with the
guidance of R' Avraham J. Twerski, a world renowned expert on
addictions (founder of www.GatewayRehab.org), author of over 50
books and a true Gadol in Klal Yisrael, we present a set of
guidelines below, that can help anyone - no matter how far they have
fallen - to find their way out of the vicious cycle of Lust
addiction.
Our
sages have called Shmiras Habris "Yesod", meaning
"Foundation". The foundation of a building is "underground" and no
one sees it, yet it holds up the entire building! Shmiras Habris is
the hidden part of a Jew, it's the real you. If the foundation of a
Jew is weak, his whole spiritual structure is in danger of collapse.
We may
have tried to do Teshuvah many times in the past, but the standard
model of Teshuva (Azivas Hachet, Charata and Kabbala al
Haba) doesn't work for us very well anymore. Addiction is a type
of disease, and our Sages understood the nature of addiction as
Rebbe Asi said: "The Yetzer Harah in the beginning is compared
to a strand of a spider web, and in the end like a rope that is used
to tie cattle". Even more so, in this area where our Sages have
said: "The more it is fed, the hungrier it gets". Our Sages also
recognized that once a person repeats a particular sin a number of
times "it becomes to him as if it is permitted". Therefore, the
standard Teshuvah techniques are not usually sufficient in our case
anymore. It is no longer a "Yetzer Hara" issue as much as it has
become a disease. The nature of the addiction is analogous to
someone standing on the railroad tracks while he watches the train
bearing down on him, and yet he can't move himself out of the way.
And as Rabbi Twerski puts it in his book "Addictive Thinking": We
place our hands on the stove, get burned, and yet we feel compelled
to do it again.
Therefore
on GYE, instead of the standard Teshuvah model, we begin to change
our entire attitude. We learn the tools and techniques of how to
sidestep the Lust instead of trying to fight it head on. And we
learn how to give our disease over to Hashem and live with His help,
instead of trying to use our own strengths to fight something that
is so much stronger than us.
With the
proper guidance, we start to see genuine changes in ourselves that
we never believed were possible. At GYE we are finally joining
together, for ourselves and for all future generations, to
strengthen the Yesod - the very foundation of our people.
|
568. |
In Today's Issue
-
Parsha
thought:
Aishes Yifas To'ar
-
Attitude Tip
of the Day:
"You really got a 100!"
-
Saying of the
Day: You know what Hashem needs?
-
Daily
excerpts from
the GYE Handbook:
Excerpt #3
--------------------------------------------------------------
Torah thought of the Day
Parshas Ki Seitzei
Aishes Yifas To'ar:
Working 'Kineged' the Yetzer Hara
The Parsha
of "Aishes Yefas To'ar
- a woman of beautiful form"
is interesting. Often the Torah uses the words
"Yefas Mareh -
beautiful looking" when
describing a woman's beauty, but here only
"form" is mentioned. The
next few words say: "Ve'chashakta
Bah - and you lust
for her". A man's lust is usually triggered by a
women's "form". It seems that the Torah is introducing to us a
Parsha about lust: "What do we do about it - and what results
from it?"
Rashi brings Chazal: "The Torah
was only speaking 'kineged'
the Yetzer Hara". The word
'Kineged' can be
understood in two ways. Either
"because of" or
"against". Interestingly, in this Parsha it seems
that both ways are profoundly true!
In the Parsha of Yefas To'ar,
Hashem is letting us know that He understands the nature of lust,
and that a person cannot always be expected to control themselves.
As Rashi says, "if Hashem wouldn't
have allowed it, he would marry her even though it was prohibited".
And as we saw in last week's Parsha, the people who went to war were
Tzadikim who were not afraid of any sin. Even so, we see how
powerful lust can be; to the point that Hashem knows that he
would sin if it wasn't permitted. This is the simple understanding
of the word "kineged"
- meaning "because of".
In other words, the Heter (permission) of Yefas To'ar
was given "because of"
the powerful nature of lust.
However, the other meaning of the word
"Kineged" means
"against". In this case,
Chazal can be understood as saying the following: "Why did the
Torah write the Parsha of Yefas To'ar?
To teach us how to work AGAINST the Yetzer Hara".
Hashem knows that lust can be super-powerful. We can't always just
say "no" to the Yetzer Hara and walk away from an over-powering
feeling of lust. So what hope is there for us in such a situation?
Comes this Parsha - in Hashem's infinite wisdom, and tells us what
to do in such a case. If we can't just walk away, here's what we
CAN do instead:
"Vahaveisah el toch beisecha"
- Take her into your home, but... WAIT. Don't give in to the
lust right away.
"Vigilcha es roisha" - Let's shave off her long flowing
hair, cut off her pretty nails, we'll dress her up in clothes of
mourning, etc... Hair, nails and clothing all represent the
"chitzonius" i.e. the
"outer trappings" that
don't let us see the real person underneath... Ok, now we can start
to see her for who she really is; a bald, weepy eyed
woman, dressed in shmatehs.
And we can do the
same thing if we saw someone and feel overpowered with lust. If we
feel unable to just let go of it, we can take the image inside our
mind - but instead of relishing it, we should imagine that we shaved
off her hair and nails, and dressed her in rags! Then, there is finally hope that
we'll let go of the lust.
And if we still don't want to let go of it and insist on arousing
the lust in spite of the fact that it has already cooled
down, then the end will be bitter. As Rashi writes, he will come to
hate her; i.e. he will end up hating the lust. He will have a
Ben Sorer U'moreh from it... meaning - perhaps, that
the end result (alluded to in the idea of "his son") of purposefully
arousing lust, can be a complete rebellion against Hashem.
What we can learn from all this, is how to work
kineged the Yetzer Hara
when we feel overpowered with lust. Instead of trying to fight it,
we can say to the Yetzer Hara: "you know, you're right. This
really looks good. But let me look into it just a little closer...
What is this women that I desire really made out of? As our Sages
have said: "a barrel filled with excrement, her mouth is filled
with blood"... Let me have a look at some of the pictures in the
Last Resort Tip #11 on
this page before I give in to this overpowering
feeling of lust...
And like "Pintale Yid" once posted on the forum:
I was walking home several weeks ago
from a Shabbos simcha, when as a result of having to pick up my head
to look at the color of the street light, I saw something that that
I didn't want to see and it threw me for a loop. I saw that I was
losing the battle so "in my mind", I invited myself to follow the
"frum" lady home. When she took off her high heels, as a result of
those treifa heels, I saw the most ugly bruises on the heels of her
feet and I imagined that her feet stunk worse then the dorm rooms in
yeshiva. I also try to imagine her as if she was a walking skeleton.
I think this is the deeper meaning of that Gemorah where if you are
at the mercy of something you saw, then take it in and modify it to
where you are totally disgusted by it. The Gemorah uses more "base"
turnoffs, and each person can imagine the levels that work for you.
Isha Chavis Melei'ah Tzoah...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Attitude Tip of the Day
You
think you failed? You really got a 100!
One of the great warriors on our forum had a very difficult week
where he was taken on vacation by his family to places he would
never think of going himself. In spite of putting up a
valiant struggle, he had some slips and falls and became burnt out,
disillusioned and apathetic. He seemed almost angry at Hashem,
Kaviyachol, for not helping him more, and he wanted to leave the
forum and take a break. However in the end, due to everyone's love
and support, he made a complete reversal and is now optimistic about
continuing his journey and inspiring others along with him!
Today he posted on the forum:
To avoid possible misunderstandings: I'm not angry at anyone here.
No-one wronged me. GYE is only good - and probably the
most positive thing in my life right now. I'm very appreciative
to GYE and all of its members for all their words of encouragement
that they have volunteered, and I am indebted to you all. Knowing
that I'm not alone in this battle, but that I'm fighting alongside
others - tzadilkim - is very meaningful and supporting. My comment
about leaving GYE was not said in regard to anyone not meeting my
expectations (in any way).
In an email to R' Guard, I presented where my feelings stemmed from:
"In test taking, I'd rather hand the test back in blank and get a
"zero" than work hard, prepare, study, and get hyped up, only to
have gotten a 55%. What does that say? I've tried hard and still
didn't pass! I fought hard and long and relied on Hashem to help
pull me through. Still, I failed. If I fail, I prefer to know that
it's because I didn't try. Trying, trying, trying, but still
failing, can break a persons spirit."
R' Guard's response to me on that point (aside from providing select
segments from the
Attitude Handbook for me to look at; principles 23-25, etc.):
"The question you pose here, about
getting a zero on the test rather than a 55%, touch on the most
important Yesodos in this struggle. You see, in spiritual matters,
it is completely different than in physical. On this world, getting
a zero without trying is indeed a lot better than a 55% with trying.
But in spiritual matters, the trying itself is the 100% my
friend!! Even if it "looks" like you came out with a 55%, Hashem
sees the heart, he sees your effort. If you tried and cried (and I
know you did), you are at 100%!!
That's the beauty of this struggle...
"
Due to certain events (which I shared with R' Guard in my email)
things were extraordinarily tough for me the past few days, and
boruch Hashem, the many people who have been in contact with me most
recently have helped me get back up on my feet. With the help of
Hashem, I now stand at 3.5 days - and it's only forward from
here!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Saying of the Day
Who said Hashem
always needs you to win? Maybe he brought you to fall only to see
what you'll do NEXT?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
For those who find it hard to find the time to read through the
GuardYourEyes Handbooks, we will try and bring an excerpt each day.
In this way, everyone will have a chance to go through the handbooks
over time. Currently, we are bringing daily excerpts from
the GYE Handbook which presents 18 tools to breaking free of
Lust addiction, in progressive order.
Daily excerpt
from
the GYE Handbook
(Right-click the link and press "Save Link/Target As" to download
the e-Book)
Excerpt #3
From the Introduction
The
purpose of this handbook (part 1)
When a newcomer first comes to our websites and
forum, they can easily be overwhelmed and feel lost. They will see
many tips and advice, ranging from the most simple and basic ideas,
and on through more drastic steps, such as therapy, 12-Step groups
and even medication. It is often hard for the newcomer to pinpoint
exactly how "addicted" they really are, and what kind of steps are
the most appropriate for them to try at the stage of addiction they
may be at. For example, obviously a beginner is not going to jump
straight into psycho-therapy or join a live 12-Step group, in the
same way we don't try to treat the common flu with chemotherapy.
And that is the goal of this handbook. We have attempted to put
together a guide of the practical tools that we, in the
GuardYourEyes community, have found useful. And we have attempted to
present them in a progressive order that goes more-or-less from the
most basic and fundamental tools, and on through the more intense
and life-changing recommendations.
The ideas and tools we present here, as well as the order they are
presented in, are nothing more than suggestions. We are only sharing
what many in the GYE community have found works for them. You may
try subtracting, adding, or jumping steps, as you see fit. We would
be happy to hear if you feel that something has worked better or
differently for you. (We may even add it in the next version of this
handbook). Please send your comments to us
here, and download the latest version of the handbook
here.
It is our hope that with this step-by-step tool guide, every person
who struggles with lust addiction, no matter how mild or severe
their addiction may be, will find guidelines that can help them
fully recover. All we need to do, is to start from the beginning and
begin to check off the steps/tools that we have - or have not yet
- tried. Should we find that we could not successfully break free
even after applying the initial advice of this handbook, we will be
able to find increasingly powerful and more addiction-oriented
solutions, ensuring that we will eventually achieve a complete
recovery be"H.
|
569. |
In Today's Issue
-
Mazal Tov to 'Hoping'!
A Yalkut Shimoni about "Hoping"
-
Great Posts by 'Hoping':
Profile of a Hopeful Warrior
-
Attitude Tip of the Day:
"Keep Hoping, you WILL get there!"
-
Daily excerpts from
the GYE Handbook:
Excerpt #4
--------------------------------------------------------------
A Big Mazel Tov to
our dear member "Hoping" who reached 90 days and joined
the "Wall
of Hashem's Honor" this past Friday!
Hashem caused me to see a Yalkut Shimoni this Shabbos that
is very appropriate for the occasion of Hoping's big day.
Click here to see the piece in Lashon Kodesh. I
will bring a few translated excerpts here in his honor, since we all
need to be inspired by the spirit of "hope" that he effuses on our
forum:
The Pasuk in Tehillim says: "Kavo
Kivisi La'Hashem va'yet
elai - Hoping
did I hope to Hashem, and He turned to me". Says the
Medrash: "In the World to Come, all the Tzadikim will dance in a
circle and point to Hashem and say
"this is Hashem that I hoped to, let's rejoice and be happy in his
salvation". Continues the Medrash... "The Jewish people
have nothing but "hope", and it is in the merit of their "hope" that
they will achieve the ultimate salvation. Should a person ask,
"so much time has passed and we still have not been saved", says
the Pasuk: "Kavei el Hashem, Chazak
ve'ametz libecha vikavei el Hashem -
Hope to Hashem, strengthen and fortify
your heart and hope to Hashem". If you hoped and were not
saved, hope and hope again! And should you ask, "until
when should we hope?" Says the Pasuk,
"Yachel Yisrael el Hashem me'ta ve'ad
olam - Yisrael hopes to
Hashem from now and forever". Says Dovid
(Kavo Kivisi La'Hashem va'yet elai):
"From (through) my hoping, Hashem turned to me and heard my
supplications".
What a perfect nickname "Hoping" chose for himself. We must never
lose hope, no matter how hopeless it may look. And indeed, in the
merit of our hoping to G-d, we become worthy of His true salvation!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A Few
Great Posts From "Hoping" on the Forum
Hoping's First Post:
I have just discovered this site two
days ago, and I think this is the first time in years that I really
think that I can do Teshuva for my sins. I have been masturbating
for 20 years and I have tried to stop countless times. Aside from my
terrible addiction, I have been quite successful in other areas of
my life. I am what some people consider a solid Kollel yungerman,
and I have a wonderful marriage. However, every step of my life has
been tainted with my feeling that I am disgusting and that if anyone
knew the real me, they would run the other way. I have tried to stop
in the past but I have always fallen down, often to a worse point
than where I was initially. I would love some Chizuk from people who
have dealt with similar situations and I think that I would benefit
from some advice on "hitting the bottom while still on top"
(admin: see today's handbook excerpt
below). I am ready to fight, but
I cannot be successful without the support of this forum. Please
help!
On
his 8th Day Hoping wrote:
I realize that the difference between
all of the fighting that I have done until now and my current battle
is that I have always focused on my success in terms of my ability
to stay clean forever. This has not allowed me to appreciate
small successes. Every time that I felt the Yetzer Hara
strengthening, I felt that the point of the fight was gone. After
all, eventually I would succumb anyhow. After that, I would
inevitably get depressed and feel that I wasted my time and effort
(and gave up a bunch of potentially pleasurable opportunities along
the way). In my short time on GuardYourEyes however, I have come to
appreciate every moment as an accomplishment. This is true in terms
of Zechuyos (merits) and also in terms of steps towards recovery.
Also, by reading about the progression of this disease in the
Handbooks (admin: see today's
handbook excerpt below), I
realize that every time that I turn away, I have avoided getting
myself deeper into trouble. This is true at any time,
whether I am counting days or not. I truly 'hope' that this journey
is one that I will be on forever, but right now I am taking it
one day at a time and I am thankful to Hashem that He has led me
to be part of this wonderful forum.
On
his 15th Day Hoping wrote:
I am happily starting week three and
I just realized that BE"H 90 days will hit in the middle of Elul. I
know it's a bit early for me to think about it - and I am trying to
go one day at a time, but I could not help but feel some
anticipation to do some real Teshuva this year. I could never really
do Teshuva on any aveiros (even those unrelated to lust) when I felt
that I was not truly willing to return to Hashem (i.e. leave my
addiction). I see in the process of recovery - an overall Hiskarvus
to Hashem that goes way beyond the scope of Lust or any other
individual problem.
Hoping also wrote:
The purpose of this site is not the
goal itself, it is the journey that is important; the ups,
the downs, the falls, the slips, and the days you feel like you are
going nowhere. It is all part of this wonderful journey. I have
found that the most inspiring and successful stories on this site
came from people who kept on going up and down but still kept
traveling on the journey and didn't give up. Of course, it is
extremely important to read the GYE books, but my point is that in a
way, a fall while on the journey is worth more than a clean day
while you aren't trying. So Please, Please continue with us, and
allow us to travel in the way of Hashem together.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
These words of Hoping: "A fall
while on the journey is worth more than a clean day while you aren't
trying" - have become one of the most famous sayings
on our forum!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Attitude Tip of the Day
Keep Hoping, you WILL get there!
By
Hoping & Dov
'Hoping' asked recently on the forum:
I have to keep remembering that
Hashem is in charge and that I need Him to remove my Yetzer Hara for
Lust. It should be easy for me to realize how I am helpless without
Him, yet I still spend much of my day acting like I am in control.
In addition, I find it difficult to daven at times, although when I
do daven, it is with a much closer relationship with Hashem than
before. But how can I feel that there is any honesty in my
surrendering myself to Hashem when I cannot even get myself to daven
to Him like I should? I wonder if anyone shares this issue, and
whether anyone has any Eitzos:
~~~~~~
Dov
(sober in SA for 11.5 years) responds to Hoping:
Dear Hoping,
First of all, we are sober today and that's enough reason to
dance - no matter how bad everything else is going,
period.
Also, it is absolutely fantastic that you are sharing this rather
than just brooding over it - yow! (What were you doing a year or two
ago?) I wish I shared more than I do - living would be even
easier than it is!
Second of all, with all very due respect to
the
'hoping-meister' (sorry), I'll remind you that while you
(and I) have been spending the past 20, 30, whatever, years -
y-e-a-r-s being focused on how well everybody else
(including Hashem) is doing taking care of our needs -
so much so that when we feel they are not doing a terrific enough
job of it, we self-medicated by using lust and fantasy, etc. to fill
in the gaps... So why do we expect real improvement on a deep level
after a relatively short time? No guilt here, no blame here, at all.
Only room for love here. But may Hashem help us both look at things
with more realism and acceptance... Real improvement does take
real time - and it is worth every minute. After all, we
are in this for the "long haul"...
So... I'll review some quotes from your post above:
You wrote, "it should be easy"
- well maybe it's not so easy after all... and that's OK.
"How can I feel that there is any
honesty in my surrendering when" - let's take
it easy here, shall we, brother in recovery? You obviously have some honesty!
"I cannot even get myself to daven to
Him like I should?" -
how do you/we know how Hashem wants you/us to daven to Him today?
Maybe He "desires" the quiet pain of a davening that "seems it isn't
what it should be"... Our success in Gadlus (great frame of mind
and spirit) is empowered by our struggle in katnus (when we
don't feel anything).
Besides, when you wrote "get myself
to..." it reminds me of the times where I felt I should
have the power to decree my moods and abilities. Those days are
over. I need to remember (see R' Tzvi-Meyer) that much of our
abilities and moods are from Hashem. Interestingly, the source of
self-blaming for stinky moods and for lack of success in growing,
actually stems from haughtiness (that's a big 12-Step
"program-principle" that I was struck with early-on, BH! The great
sefer "chovas hatalmidim" - in English now, FYI - deals with this
quite a bit, from a chassidish/chinuch perspective).
Thirdly, many folks in recovery - particularly frummies like us -
report that they feel as though they are going through a "dry
period" in davening and avodah in early recovery. For me it lasted
nearly three years. Am I trying to scare you away? No, but it took
me a long time to learn to have patience with myself, humility
enough to accept my limitations, and maturity enough to start taking
the more responsible small steps, rather than beating myself
over the head with only the big steps!
So - read Battleworn's "The
Torah Approach" and other material, and you'll see that when we
talk about "recovery", we really mean big, deep and real
changes in how we live with emunah and stuff like that.
If we had any insincerity and superficiality at all in our davening
and avodah before recovery, I believe we can (and should) expect a
rather severe, visceral, automatic aversion to insincerity, in
recovery. Particularly if it is in the core recovery tools:
which are davening and avodah. Everyone has some dishonesty,
but as recovering addicts we just can't tolerate it very well. And
B"H for that!
There are specific eitzos to improve davening. But that's not
the point, really. For me, the main thing is to stay in sobriety no
matter what, and to pour our hearts out to Hashem in whatever way we
can, as often as we can. The real improvement in the davening and
avodah happens on its own, in my experience. So keep Hoping!
Just don't make the mistake of dropping tefillos, if you can, nor of
despairing, chas veshalom.
"Hoping" this was helpful, and remember - "easy does it".
Love,
Dov
~~~~~~
In
response to Hoping's inquiry and Dov's reply, I posted on the forum:
DOV'ev
sifsei yisheinim!
(Shir Hashirim 7:10).
What Dov wrote above should be more than enough, but I
believe you'll also find some good advice on
this page where Dov answers "London" about "feeling cold in
Yiddishkeit" while in recovery... (scroll to bottom for Dov's reply,
where he elaborates more along the lines of what he wrote here).
~~~~~~
Hoping responds on the forum:
Wow! Thank you Dov for your response.
It really helps. This is not the first time you had to remind me to
"take it easy", and it probably won't be the last. I guess I just
have to figure out how to break my avodas Hashem into small steps
like I have been doing with other things, and not push the pace of
improvement. I guess I have to practice what I have preached to
others, that the direction that I am headed is the most important
thing, and the speed of travel is not really under my control.
And Guard - I think that this is the
third time that I have read the page you
linked to,
and each time a different part of it speaks to me. Thank you!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
For those who find it hard to find the time to read through the
GuardYourEyes Handbooks, we will try and bring an excerpt each day.
In this way, everyone will have a chance to go through the handbooks
over time. Currently, we are bringing daily excerpts from
the GYE Handbook which presents 18 tools to breaking free of
Lust addiction, in progressive order.
Daily excerpt
from
the GYE Handbook
(Right-click the link and press "Save Link/Target As" to download
the e-Book)
Excerpt #4
From the Introduction
The
purpose of this handbook
(part 2)
We must be aware of the importance of utilizing the increasingly
earnest solutions presented below, in the event that we are not
able to break free with the initial tools we try. The addiction is a
disease, and if it is not dealt with properly, it only gets worse.
Addiction leads us down a path of pain and self-destruction, until
we stand to lose everything important to us, in this world and the
next.
It is our fervent hope that those who still stand in the beginning
stages of the addiction take heed and learn from the experience of
those who have already fallen to "rock-bottom". (Read
this story and
this story on our website for examples). One of our goals at
GuardYourEyes is to help people "Hit Bottom while still On Top"
(please see Chizuk e-mail #441 on
this page for a deeper understanding of this profound ambition).
By helping people understand the "nature" of this addiction and
where it ultimately leads to, we hope that they will take the
necessary steps to break free of the disease while they are "Still
on Top" and their lives remain intact.
The key to beginning to really heal is simply "Acceptance". We must
accept that we are addicted to lust before we can start to heal.
Otherwise, we will read through this handbook and say to ourselves:
"they're not talking about me".
To understand better the nature of lust addiction, please see
this page. And to test yourself and see if you are addicted to
lust, see
this page.
The disease does not get better on its own. And marriage
does not solve the problem of lust addiction either. It only
complicates the issue and introduces the potential of destroying two
people's lives, instead of one. We have to be ready to do whatever
it takes to break free. Rabbi Twerski always says that this
addiction is like a spiritual cancer. And to cure ourselves from
this "cancer", continues Rabbi Twerski, "nothing should stand
in our way".
|
570. |
Our e-mail server was down today, and it just
came back up now. It's already late in Israel, so here's just a
quick chizuk thought for the day:
There are two
types of "fascinations" that we human beings are capable
of experiencing.
Type 1)
Allowing ones
self to indulge in the fascination of human beauty and form by
following the natural instincts and wiring of the brain to become
enthralled by the lust in human flesh. This type of fascination is
fed and intensified through pornography, lusting in the street,
reading today's magazines and watching x-rated movies and TV shows.
Type 2)
To
be spellbound by the beauty in nature, fascinated by the splendor
and wisdom in G-d's handiwork, amazed at - and thankful for
- one's own body, captivated by the magnificence and
spirituality in our holy Torah and the depth of wisdom
therein, awestruck by G-d's greatness and enthralled by the
blessings that we experience everyday of family, health, sustenance
and good fortune.
Know though, that these two types of "fascinations" cannot
co-exist. The human mind is only capable of maintaining one of
these two types. The second type of fascination is obviously far
more spiritual, enjoyable and fulfilling, but it is also much more
"subtle" and therefore cannot be experienced by a mind that is under
the influence of the fascinations of type 1.
So make your choice today.
Choose LIFE.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Serious & Funny
The Zohar
compares the Yetzer Hara to a dog that says "Hav Hav" -
meaning, "Give, Give!". The shofar of Elul can inspire even
the "dog" inside of us to change its "bark" of "give me" into a
yearning for Hashem.
Click here to watch a humorous clip to this effect :-)
|
571. |
In Today's Issue
-
Testimonial of the Day:
By "Habib613"
-
Important Announcement:
Help GYE with your stuff!
-
Three New Songs:
From Uri in Jerusalem
-
Personal Victories:
"We Are Capable of Walking Away"
-
Attitude Tip of the Day:
"The King Wants you to Escape!"
-
Saying of the Day:
Inspired by "Hoping" and Dov
-
Quote of the Day:
By "Shmilu"
-
Daily excerpts from
the GYE Handbook:
Excerpt #5
--------------------------------------------------------------
Testimonial of the Day
By
"Habib613"
Last Rosh Hashana, I davened that Hashem should let me die.
Literally. I was saying "zochreinu lechaim" and crying "no, please
don't, because I can't live with this anymore". I wanted to serve
Hashem, but it just used to be just too painful to wake up every
morning. More than anything else, I don't want to be in that place
again.
R' Guard - I seriously envy the olam
haba you are getting for starting GYE. It's one of the best things
that has ever happened to me, and I think a lot of people feel the
same. Thank you.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Important Announcement
Do you wish you could help GuardYourEyes financially but simply
can't afford to make a monetary contribution?
Introducing:
The "I Got Stuff" Campaign
Courtesy of
JbidsNow.com
If
you have an old laptop, cell phone, Bluetooth, watch, MP3 player,
audio CDs, printers, unwanted jewelry, leather gloves, a digital
camera, office phones, and just about any other small item you might
find on eBay, you may donate these items for sale for the benefit of
Guard Your Eyes!
Click here for more
information
Every little bit counts!
Thank you and Tizke Lemitzvos!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Three new moving songs
by GYE's musical artist
Uri from Jerusalem!
My Shame
The Warrior
The Name Song
To
download a Zip file of Uri's
entire GYE Album (eight MP3 songs - along with their lyrics)
Click Here.
Note: Wait for the page to load and then click
the link at the bottom called "Uri's Songs.Zip".
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Today I want to bring some inspiring
posts from "Nezach" - an older Bochur who joined our forum about
6 weeks ago. His struggle and sincerity are surely shaking the
heavens. Who can read these posts and not be inspired?
Personal
Victories
We Are Capable of Walking Away
By
"Nezach"
Hello Everyone. I have been away on holiday and now I'm back!! And I
have missed writing but have managed to read some of the recent
Chizuk emails which I am grateful for.
My initial goal
had been to reach 30 days, and now that I have managed the full
month, the aim is to push for 40 days - which is achievable, b'ezrat
Hashem.
Guys, it has been
such a crazy past week I do not even know where to start (apart from
having a great vacation, LOL). Please read the following as an
initial post following some of the tests which have come my way over
the past few days:
It was no
coincidence that the apartment I was staying in was located in close
proximity to certain types of clubs; there were people trying to
hand out leaflets to invite me in! Although B"H my immediate
response was to refuse (there was no desire even, as it is so
morally low and we strive for dignity and truth), this has me
thinking of the similarities to similar content on the internet.
This was an objective approach to our situation, and once again
strengthened my resolve and determination to be clean forever more.
Boruch Hashem, the friends who were with me have strength and
discipline in shemirat einayim and this was great chizuk for
me as well.
Whilst this
occurred several times, it did not end there. One morning I entered
an area alone (without my friends), and I was presented with a point
blank opportunity to sin! But without even having a thought or
hesitation, I believe Hashem saved me as the word "No" almost
surprised me. I said "bye" and walked straight out.
Again, there was no 'desire for lust', but my point here is not
about my strengths etc. - but rather to point out that we
are all capable of 'walking away' from a dangerous situation
even without a fight!!
The challenges
that I had to fight afterwards on these occasions, was not to have
inappropriate thoughts or fantasies about 'what could have
happened'. Hashem protected and saved me, and I am eternally
grateful.
I am pleased that
I have experienced personal growth and resolve, as even on the
occasions when I would look at a women for a few seconds, my
thoughts would return to Hashem, to Teshuvah and to my determination
to break free and be clean.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Attitude Tip of the Day
The
King Wants you to Escape!
By
"Nezach"
I just had a moment of weakness; a few minutes of teiva
(desire for lust) that I have not properly had in quite a while.
Boruch Hashem I
was successful, despite lowering my guard for a few minutes. The
alarm bells were ringing and many thoughts and memories overwhelmed
me with the feeling of not wanting to let down myself, those who
care and love me, and also our dear members and supporters on the
GYE forum.
I then
re-discovered the 'Windows
of the Soul' handbook; This is my favorite and is an awesome and
beautiful resource to receive guidance and Divine assistance.
The next thing
that was re-read was from the
Attitude handbook: #22. "Catching ourselves as we begin to
slip". Although I read this after my decision to turn away from
any feelings and desire for lust, b'Ezrat Hashem I can relate to
that which Yosef HaTzadik prayed for:
The Satan said to Yoseph: "Don't you see that you already messed
everything up? Don't you realize what a goner you are? Your brothers
hate you and sold you to Mitzrayim, nobody cares about you any more.
You're lost and cut off from this world and the next. And now you've
failed so badly. Face the facts, it's over!"
But Yoseph Hatzadik said "no! I don't care about anything - not even
about being a Tzadik. The only thing that concerns me is: What do I
need to do at this very moment? What does my Father in Heaven want
from me right now?"
Elul is our
opportunity to rejuvenate and change who we are. Rabbeinu Yonah
mentions in Shaarei Teshuva that Elul should not be dark and
frightening, but rather uplifting, joyful and exciting, as we renew
our relationship with HKB"H.
A parable for
Teshuvah is brought down about a group of prisoners who dug an
escape route from the King's prison cell. When the prison guard
discovered this, he found a lone prisoner who had not escaped and
the guard slapped him round the face and abused him for his laziness
or stupidity in not escaping.
Although we have
sinned and are "imprisoned" in our iniquity (and maybe even
sentenced to grave punishment c"v), Hashem knows that we have an
escape route - Teshuva.
Elul is our chance to 'get out of jail free' although we need
to make enormous efforts and resist against anything that is not in
our nature as the children of Hashem.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Saying of the Day
Inspired by "Hoping" - who got the idea from "Dov"
The difference
between most people and a "lust-addict" is that for
the addict, it's not the lust that's the problem,
rather the lust is just a symptom.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Quote of the Day
By Shmilu
"I'm slowly but surely replacing my
addiction to lust with my addiction to
this forum. Yup, I believe I'm officially a GYE addict".
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
For those who find it hard to find the time to read through the
GuardYourEyes Handbooks, we will try and bring an excerpt each day.
In this way, everyone will have a chance to go through the handbooks
over time. Currently, we are bringing daily excerpts from
the GYE Handbook which presents 18 tools to breaking free of
Lust addiction, in progressive order.
Daily excerpt
from
the GYE Handbook
(Right-click the link and press "Save Link/Target As" to download
the e-Book)
Excerpt #5
Some Important Notes
Please help us spread the word about
this handbook!
There are probably thousands of other religious Jews around the
world who unfortunately struggle in these areas, suffering pain and
shame in silence - sometimes for years! See Tool #12 of
the handbook for a detailed example of how to prepare an e-mail
which can be sent out to all the Jewish contacts in your address
book, without anyone suspecting that you may struggle in this area
yourself. The e-mail should simply contain links to the two
GuardYourEyes Handbooks: the
GuardYourEyes Handbook and the
Attitude Handbook.
The Chovos
Halevavos (Shar Ahavas Hashem, Perek 6) says:
"And you should know, my brother, that
the merit of the believer, even should he reach the utmost
completion in fixing his soul for blessed G-d, and even should he be
close to the angels in their good traits and praiseworthy actions,
and in the efforts they expend in their service of their creator,
and in their pure love for Him, still do not reach the merits of
someone who guides people onto the good path and steers the wicked
to divine service. For his merits are doubled in relation to their
merits, for all days and all times".
Imagine the merits you will accumulate if others are helped through
you!
Aside from being
useful for any individual who struggles with lust addiction, this
handbook can also be helpful to Rabbis, Mechanchim, Mashgichim,
therapists and community leaders by providing clear-cut tools and
guidelines for helping others who struggle with this addiction. This
issue has unfortunately reached epidemic proportions in the
religious community today, mainly due to the privacy and
accessibility of the internet. Help us spread the word to community
leaders and to anyone who may be able to help others in this area.
|
572. |
In Today's Issue
-
Mazal Tov to
"7Up"!
Let
the Party Begin!
-
Daily excerpts from
the GYE Handbook:
6:
Attitude & Perspective, Part 1
--------------------------------------------------------------
A big Mazal Tov to
"7Up" on reaching 90 days and joining the
Wall of Hashem's Honor!
For those who are
unfamiliar with the "family life" of
our lively forum, "7Up" is not just a "another" member;
she is a phenomenon in and of herself! In her short time with
us, she was promoted to "Global Moderator"; has become known as
the GYE Rebbitzin; and many of the younger members (like Uri and
his "sisters"; Trying, Habib613 and Letakein) call her simply
"Mom". She helped transform our forum into a lively, homely and
fun place, besides offering priceless wisdom, wit and chizuk
to inspire us all (not to mention cake, 7Up, and her favorite food -
ice-cream!)...
Today's e-mail is in 7Up's honor, and we will bring some inspiring
posts from her that we can all learn from.
Recently, she became so involved in the forum that it was holding
her back in other areas of her life (what can you expect? as they
say in AA: "once an addict, always an addict" :-). Her Rebbe
suggested that she take a break from the forum for a few weeks, but
we're sure she'll return soon. About a week ago, she wrote as
follows:
To my
dearest GYE family,
I had a meeting with my Rebbe
yesterday; a wonderful and wise mechanech who was my teacher back in
sem and with whom I've kept very close contact.
After hearing everything I had
to share with him, he has advised me to take a break from the forum
for a little while. This must be part of my cheshbon hanefesh.
I have no words to explain my
emotions right now. The last 9 weeks, since joining GuardYourEyes
have been probably amongst the most growth oriented in my life. I
have gained friends who are really worthy of the name; honest
neshamos searching and fighting second by second in order to get
closer to their Father in Heaven. It has been an honor to be
connected to everyone here on any level at all.
Girls, keep holding each other
up. Two new "sisters" have joined, and the fun is just beginning.
Through laughter you will beat the "menuval"; he is too busy looking
for your tears.
IY"H I wont be gone for too
long (as I think I will lose my mind).
May Elul be a time of
introspection and growth, and may Hashem embrace your honest teshuva
yet today.
With respect, gratitude, and
love
7up
Meanwhile, 7Up's spirit remains with us and we have
"inside information" that she continues to read the forum and the
daily e-mails from behind the scenes (yes,
we know you're reading this 7Up)...
A few weeks ago, we
created a special avatar for her on the forum:
In honor of her
90th day, we changed it now to this:
(symbolizing the GYE Rebbetzin)
(A
special thanks to Mr. B for helping us find these great pictures!)
Please feel free to
wish 7Up Mazal Tov on her thread
over here.
Her thread was
the fastest growing thread on the entire forum!
739 posts in just about 70 days!
739 is the
Gematria of "Tishlot"
meaning: "you
shall be in control"
(Coincidence? I
think NOT)
Uri wrote a song in
honor of 7Up's big day!
Click here to download the song and read the lyrics.
"Me3" suggested
we pronounce today as:
"International 7Up Day"
"Letakein" thinks
that we should change the GYE Logo to this:
(the guy on the tightrope is holding a bottle of 7up and some "Nok-out"
Israeli ice-cream, in case you can't tell)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Ok,
so where did she get the strange name "7Up" from? Well, when she
first joined us she called herself "7Yipol" in reference to the
Pasuk "Seven times the tzadik falls (yipol) and gets up (ve'kum)".
But after a short time with us, everyone insisted that she change
her name to "7Up" (ve'Kum). And "get up" she
did - taking us all with her!
As the Zohar says, the brightest light
comes out of the darkest night, so I would like to bring her very
first e-mail below. It was two days after Shavu'os on June 2,
exactly 3 months ago from today. She wrote as follows:
Hi. I am desperate. The Yetzer Hara
has been working overtime to destroy me! Please, please help me. I
can't keep fighting any more. The only thing in my life of any real
importance is a close relationship with my Tatte in Shamayim. The
more I fall, the further I get from him. I'm dying of loneliness and
have no where to turn. Married 24 years with 8 kids doesn't help,
only makes the guilt worse.
I have been alone in gehenim for
close to 30 years! I have often davened for Hashem to save me and
take me from this world. All I want is the z'chus to 'sit on
Hashem's lap', but because of my addiction, even this will be denied
me when my time comes. I know for a fact that I will have a harsh
olam ha'emes, which doesn't bother me. My pain stems from the shame
I will rightfully suffer in front of all I admire, and most of all,
the knowledge that Hashem is disappointed in me.
We established contact with her and sent
her material to read. She proved to be a very quick learner (and
reader!), and within a few short days she had read through most of
our website, the two handbooks, and a host of other links that we
sent her.
A few days after her initial contact
(after countless e-mails back and forth), she wrote back as follows:
It's nothing short of a miracle. Two
days after you wrote to me and listened to the pain in my heart, I
took upon myself 90 hours clean; the theme of 90, but in a way I
thought I could succeed without over reaching. Well, 90 hours has
turned into day 6! I am aiming for a week, and after that hopefully
for 10 days; baby steps to help me reach my goal.
I raced through all the reading
material you sent me, as a drowning person grabbing 100 pieces of
driftwood instead of just focusing on the one closest and most
appropriate for his current needs. Now I hope to start re-reading
and absorbing the messages one by one. I think you have sent me
enough reading for at least 100 days to come ;-) I have no way to
thank you.
After about 2 weeks of communication, we
finally convinced her to join the "Women's
Forum" (no, it wasn't easy). But after just one day on the
forum, she posted:
Dear holy neshamos,
I have been on this forum for one
short day, and the chizuk and love I've experienced is nothing short
of amazing. I'd like to share a few thoughts which are running
through my head at this crazy hour of 2am.
All I keep repeating is "Mi K'amcha
Yisrael"! For the first time in 30 years, I find myself
actually thanking Hakadosh Baruch Hu for this addiction! In a mere 2
weeks (Guard was stuck with me till I joined you all) I have grown
more through what I previously perceived as a curse, than all the
clear brachos combined.
I see so clearly the difference
between goyim and frum Yidden. Goyim are also fighting this terrible
epidemic called lust, also filling the SA and SLAA groups in
unprecidented numbers. But they are trying to beat it for very
different reasons than we. True, we all (them and us) want it to
stop taking over our lives, marriages, money and self respect. We
all want to stop hiding in 'dark corners' and living double lives.
But I think that's where the
similarity ends. They want it to stop ruining their olam hazeh (this
world). We want it to stop ruining our olam ha'emes (World of
Truth). To us, nothing is more important than our connection to
Hashem.
I have no words to thank you all for
the chizuk.
May we all be
zoche to see Hashem's chesed clearly, because everything He does is
for the good, we just don't always sense it.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Below are another few inspiring
"random" posts from 7Up:
I've been an addict for close to 30 years! I've been working and
battling this for at least 20 - alone. The difference is that NOW, I
will succeed. Hashem has been helping me all along, but NOW, I have
all you guys too. AND THAT WILL MAKE ALL THE DIFFERENCE. The seeds
have been sown a long time, but GYE will be the water after 30 years
of drought.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Hashem is so good to me! I could not do this on my own will or
power! I tried so many times and failed. Today Hashem is holding my
hand and I feel His love like never before! I don't know about you,
but to me, feeling His hand holding and love makes this whole
nisayon worth it. Really.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Talking to my Tatte in Shamayim is something I do every second of my
day. We 'shmooze' while I'm cooking, crossing the street or even
yelling at the kids! I thank Him when I make the bus, and when I
miss it too. In short, Hashem is my best friend, Father and Teacher.
Not only does He know everything anyway, but He knows me much better
than I will ever know myself.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
NOTHING is more
important to me than Ratzon Hashem. Daily, I daven with all my heart
that I should be a source of a kiddush Hashem and for the chance to
grow closer. I would do ANYTHING to reach this goal. Even giving up
all physical pleasure on every level forever, would be a small
sacrifice towards that goal.
Well, it's not for nothing she earned the title "GYE
Rebbetzin"!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
For
those who find it hard to find the time to read through the
GuardYourEyes Handbooks, we will try and bring an excerpt each day.
In this way, everyone will have a chance to go through the handbooks
over time. Currently, we are bringing daily excerpts from
the GYE Handbook which presents 18 tools to breaking free of
Lust addiction, in progressive order.
Daily excerpt
from
the GYE Handbook
(Right-click the link and press "Save Link/Target As" to download
the e-Book)
Excerpt #6
Tool #1: Attitude & Perspective
Part 1
Having the proper
perspective and attitude on this struggle can make all the
difference. Often people write in to us saying that had they only
known the proper perspective and attitude guidelines that we
discuss on our website when they were younger, they would have never
fallen into the addiction in the first place!
We created a
PDF booklet called "The
GuardYourEyes Attitude", which is a collection of what we in the
GYE community feel are some of the most important "Attitude"
principles in this struggle.
The
"Attitude" handbook can be a cornerstone tool in our struggle. (It
may be helpful to make a day-by-day program to read one of the
principles of the Attitude Handbook each day, and try to internalize
the message).
Not only can
the proper perspective help us in the struggle, but often, various
misconceptions that we had about the struggle contribute to the
underlying reasons that we act out in the first place. For example,
one Bochur who was making a push for purity contacted us
after a few days and wrote:
The initial enthusiasm has kind of
worn off and my Yetzer Hara keeps telling me that it's not so bad,
so why not? I can't keep up the spiritual enthusiasm for very long,
and I don't see how I can possibly hold out much longer.
We sent him
some of the sections from the "Attitude Handbook" and the next day
he wrote back:
Thanks so much! It helped
tremendously and seems to have done the trick! It makes me see this
whole process in a completely different light. Instead on focusing
on how depressing the struggle can be, I should be happy that I am "zoche"
to have been given the opportunity for such great spiritual growth.
Also, as you mentioned there, it is likely that this is part of my
main mission in this world. And not everyone is so lucky to know
what his personal Avoda is! And the fact that every little bit
counts even if we end up falling, and also that we shouldn't focus
on staying clean forever but rather only "one day at a time".
I must say, that for the first time in years I feel there's real
hope and I am actually looking forward to change!
This is just
one example of how a simple change in attitudes can make all the
difference.
Therefore,
it is vital that the proper perspective accompany us on our journey
to recovery, from day one and throughout all the practical steps we
take (as outlined in this handbook below). With the proper attitude,
we can succeed in learning to control the addiction in a much
shorter time frame, with far less steps, and in a much easier and
more pleasant manner than otherwise.
|
573. |
In Today's Issue
-
"What did I learn that I didn't know before?"
Boruch shares experience
-
Saying of the Day:
Shorthand for Steps 1, 2 & 3
-
Practical Tip of the Day:
Talk with someone real!
-
Quote of the Day:
Strength in Powerlessness
-
Daily excerpts from
the GYE Handbook:
7:
Attitude & Perspective, Part 2
--------------------------------------------------------------
~ What did I
find on GYE and in the 12-Steps that I couldn't get from Mussar? ~
By
"Boruch" - moderator of the
"Back to basics" 12-Step phone conference
(and a Talmid Chacham too!)
"How can I make
this Ellul different from every other Ellul?"
(Part 1)
I was addicted to sexual thoughts, fantasy, pornography and
masturbation. Every year, Ellul after Ellul, I would launch a full
scale attack on my addiction, But sooner or later year after year, I
fell and failed.
There were times I stopped in Ellul and did not even make it through
Ellul. I would stop again for Rosh Hashana and sometimes not make it
through aseres yemei teshuva to Yom Kippur. I would stop on
Yom Kippur and not make it through Sukkos. Sometimes I did not even
start getting stopped until Rosh Hashana came around. Sometimes I
held out from sometime in Ellul for a month or even a little more.
But one way or another, come Rosh Chodesh Cheshvan, I was back again
to my addiction as if Ellul had never come.
I had tried
mussar seforim; Shaarei Teshuva, Chovos Halevovos, Maalos
Hamiddos, Orchos Tzaddikim, Sefer Charedim, Mesilas Yeshorim, Yesod
Veshoresh Ho'avoda, Nefesh HaChaim, Cheshbon Hanefesh and
Sifrei Maharal. I learned these seforim with absolute
desperation and determination and tried to implement them and follow
their instructions, but I always failed to get anything that would
last beyond Rosh Chodesh Cheshvan. I listened to Rav Avigdor
Miller's tapes and learned his seforim. I had a Rebbe who gave
excellent mussar and I almost never missed any of his Shiurim. I
cried out to Hashem every Rosh Hashana and Yom Kippur and I was
absolutely determined to make that year the last of my addiction,
but all to no apparent avail.
Then on January
20th of this year
I posted my Teshuva here on GYE. Bechasdei Hashem, I have been
sexually sober, one day at a time, since then. What did I find in
GYE that I did not find in all the mussar seforim?
Even more
puzzling, 10 days after I joined GYE, I joined a face to face
meeting of Sexaholics Anonymous (SA). It was there that I discovered
not just how to avoid pornography and masturbation, but how to
recover from fantasy and lust to the extent that on a daily basis
they no longer interest me at all.
And through SA's 12-Step program I was introduced to Overeaters
Anonymous (OA) and was able to lose 40 lb in 4 months. I was also
introduced to Debtors Anonymous (DA) and today, for the first time
in over 20 years of marriage, my wife and I have stopped borrowing
money. We have a monthly spending plan that is in the Black for
already three months, and we have stopped incurring overdraft fees
after having racked up over a thousand dollars in overdraft fees in
the year before we began our recovery.
What did I find
through SA, OA and DA that I did not find in all the mussar seforim?
Looking back, I
now realize that what I had found through GYE, SA, OA and DA
was everything I had learned in the mussar seforim! But somehow, I
had been unable to get it to work against my addiction. So why did
it take GYE, SA, OA and DA for me to discover it?
The question of "Torah
vs Steps" has been much discussed on this forum. At certain
points I have added my own two cents to those discussions. I now
believe though, from my own experience and from my experience
working with other Frum Jews, that there is no "Torah vs
Steps" at all.
Rav Avigdor
Miller Zt"l was once asked whether it was OK to read Dale Carnegie's
"How to win friends and influence people". He asked in return
whether it was OK to read a Driver's manual.
Alcoholics Anonymous is not about morality: it is about recovery. It
is about what works to keep the alcoholic sober.
If so, how does
religion get involved? The answer appears frequently in AA
literature. AA says that selfishness and self-centered behavior is
what condemns the addict to relapse. Most people are neither 100%
selfish nor 100% idealistic. Most people are somewhere in between.
An addict, however, who indulges in outright selfishness, even if
only some of the time, will, sooner or later, as much as most
of the time he knows that he absolutely cannot afford to relapse, in
a moment of emotional pain and crisis, he will be unable to
distinguish true from false and he will go right back to his drug
and relapse totally. That is the problem of addiction.
What is AA's
solution? The addict must avoid selfishness at all costs and instead
of looking to satisfy his own self-will he must constantly seek G-d's
will. That way, crisis or no crisis, he will never get confused and
"drink" again. One thing the addict knows -once he has accepted AA's
prescription - is that G-d does not want addicts to go back to their
drug. If an addict wants to recover he must constantly seek G-d's
will. Of-course "constantly seeking G-d's will" is very religious,
that's what the Mesilas Yeshorim in Perek 18 calls Chasidus. And
that's where AA is religious.
How about
selfishness for the non-alcoholic? Just like drinking for the
non-alcoholic is no concern of AA, so too with selfishness. Most
non-alcoholics will take a few drinks and then stop and nothing
terrible will happen. So too with selfishness. Most people are
disciplined and trained to some extent. Even in their more selfish
moments, non-alcoholics will generally behave within reason, and
even if in selfish moments they behave badly, they will not spin out
of control in a self-destructive cycle. As long as these non-addicts
can use their more idealistic moments to improve, they can become
very religious and very good people.
Not so the
addict.
The experience of millions of addicts who have adopted the AA
program is that living with selfishness - even part of the time, is
a recipe for certain relapse and assured disaster. The experience of
millions of addicts is that recovery can only be achieved by
shifting to G-d's will instead of self-will.
That has nothing
to do with religion. It is simply a fact of addiction and recovery.
And that's a fact that I never knew when I learned the musar seforim.
Yes, I knew all about Chasidus of the Mesilas Yeshorim. But I always
thought that before I worry about Chasidus in perek 18 of
Mesilas Yeshorim I first have to get Zehirus in perek 2 of
Mesilas Yeshorim and avoid the outright aveiros I am doing in
my addiction. Meanwhile, I was still operating on selfishness and I
was doomed to relapse repeatedly. And all the while I was thinking,
"First things first; first keep Shulchan Oruch, then get to midas
Chasidus". I never realized that was all very true and fine for
the non-addict, but for the addict it was a sentence to a
lifetime of addiction.
Until - bechasdei
Hashem - I found the AA program which taught me that if I wanted to
avoid relapse, for practical purposes, I have to replace self-will
with G-d's will. In teaching me that key fact, the AA/SA program is
exactly like a Driver's manual or a Carnegie book. It is information about addiction,
not opinion on religion.
So this Ellul I
know that in order to keep from addiction I have to especially focus
on what the musar seforim say about Chasidus. If I am not
being mamlich Hashem (making Hashem
king) to the utmost of my ability today, I am in danger of relapse.
That's a preparation to Rosh Hashana and a
kabolas ol malchus shomayim
that I never knew would not only save me from my addiction
- but give me the potential to become the oved Hashem (divine
servant) that I always wanted to be.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Saying
of the Day
By "Dov"
Steps 1, 2 and 3 (of
the 12 Steps) in short:
"I can't,
He can, so I'll do whatever it takes to get out of the way and let
Him!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Practical Tip of the Day
Uri posted on the forum to some of
his fellow strugglers:
You guys should exchange phone
numbers. I have several guys from the forum that I talk to by phone,
and it makes a humongous difference in my struggle just to have
someone I can call anytime when I'm buggin out.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Quote
of the Day
By "On the Road"
Although we are not responsible for our addiction, we are
responsible for the cure. But how can this be? Its not fair! We need
to take it to the one who gave us the problem and begin with turning
our fight over to Him. He wants us to be responsible for the
cure, but the cure is not battling addiction and beating our heads
against a wall. It's simply recognizing that He created us powerless
and wants us to realize that we are powerless. And
in that we find our strength.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
For those who find it hard to find the time to read through the
GuardYourEyes Handbooks, we will try and bring an excerpt each day.
In this way, everyone will have a chance to go through the handbooks
over time. Currently, we are bringing daily excerpts from
the GYE Handbook which presents 18 tools to breaking free of
Lust addiction, in progressive order.
Daily excerpt
from
the GYE Handbook
(Right-click the link and press "Save Link/Target As" to download
the e-Book)
Excerpt #7
Tool #1: Attitude & Perspective
Part 2
Aside from the many
important principles presented in the "Attitude
Handbook", here are some other great steps we can take to
continue learning and refining our perspective on this struggle
every day:
-
We can
Sign up and receive the daily Chizuk e-mails. THIS IS VERY
IMPORTANT.
-
We can read
through the incredible Chizuk that is posted on
the forum every day!
-
We can listen
to
this wonderful shiur from R' Yisrael Reisman Shlit"a, which
provides some excellent perspective on this struggle.
-
We can
Download here a PDF file translated by GYE from a Hebrew
book called "The First Day of the Rest of My Life", written by a
religious addict with the purpose of helping people break free
from Lust addiction.
If we read some of
the above every day, even a little bit, we will quickly be swept up
by the spirit of the GuardYourEyes community and will rapidly
internalize many of the Yesodos that will help us maintain
the proper attitude and perspective on this struggle throughout our
journey.
|
574. |
In Today's Issue
-
Skipping Straight to Chassidus:
Boruch shares experience (Part 2)
-
Saying of the Day:
"My worst days when trying..."
-
Practical Tip of the Day:
Daven for them!
-
Quote of the Day:
My Shooting Instructor
-
Daily excerpts from
the GYE Handbook:
8:
Guard Your Eyes, Part 1
--------------------------------------------------------------
~ Skipping
Straight to Chassidus ~
By
"Boruch" - moderator of the
"Back to basics" 12-Step phone conference
(and a Talmid Chacham too!)
"How can I make
this Ellul different from every other Ellul?"
(Part 2)
In yesterday's Chizuk e-mail
(#573 above)
we brought an insightful post from "Boruch" describing how every
year he would make a push for purity in Elul, only to quickly fall
backwards again. Boruch spelled out for us how this year's Elul is
different for him, ever since the 12-Steps have taught him how to be
Mamlich Hashem (make Hashem King) in his heart.
"ClearEyes"
answered Boruch (on yesterday's post) as follows:
Boruch - great post. You have
tremendous insight with this addiction. Please share with us some
more!!!
I had the same Elul experiences as
long as I can remember. Sometimes I would start earlier, sometimes
later. Fall before Rosh Hashanna, after Rosh Hashanna, before Yom
Kipper. I don't know if I ever made it to Sukkos. But this Elul is
already different. Why? Because I have GYE. My Elul is already
different. But the real answer to your question is another question.
"How can I make this Tishrei different than every other
Tishrei?" (Isn't that the point of Elul?) We need to stick with
the cure. I guarantee anyone who stays with GYE through Tishrei past
Yom Kippur will experience the Elul they always wanted - and more
importantly - have the year and become the person they
always wanted!!
Hatzlacha to all. Let's all do this
together and elevate this experience to an even higher level. -
Kisei Hakovod, here we come!!!!!!
Boruch replies:
Cleareyes, Thank you for your kind words of chizzuk. The truth is
that there is more. The single yesod of the whole
AA/SA program is replacing self-will with G-d's will. But the
question becomes, "how do we make that happen?"
One
possibility would be, for example, working the sefer Mesilas
Yeshorim from the hakdama (introduction), through perakim
1-18. But there is a serious problem with that:
The
Mesilas Yeshorim writes that while everyone can get to
Nekiyus (cleanliness from sin), Perishus -
(separation from this world) is not for everyone, and never mind
Chasidus (a high level of divine awareness and piety).
And he was writing for the Yidden of his generation who were
far more pious than the Yidden in ours.
And even more problematically, he was writing for non-addicts.
Perishus (separation) on anything - can be an
almost insurmountable challenge for any addict. An addict in active
addiction is often in "instant-gratification mode" on all
enjoyments, even those to which he is not fully addicted. So if
Perishus is difficult for the non-addict, it is not too
hard to imagine how difficult it would be for an addict. For all but
a select few, it is probably close to impossible for the addict to
use Mesilas Yeshorim to get to Chasidus. But
herein lies the problem. And addict needs
Chassidus to stay sober (Chasidus is the idea of
replacing self-will with G-d's will).
So what we
addicts would really need, is a crash course on the
Chasidus of the Mesilas Yeshorim for addicts.
This may sound slightly similar to the goal of the Chasidus of the
Baal Shem Tov, which was to have a basic form of Chasidus that works
even for the most simple Jew. The problem is, we need a Chasidus
that is both a practical program of action for the body and also a
program of changing our way of thinking for the soul, in which the
main idea would be to internalize the simple and essential "All
for the Boss". And this program has to be something that
even an addict could implement.
When I
first came onto GYE back in January of this year, I was working with
Rabbenu Yona Shaarei Teshuva and various maamorei Chazal.
At that point I was flying totally blind on both what
to stop (I thought I needed to stop the pornography and masturbation
but had no concept that the real addiction was "the lust")
and how to stop (I thought it was all about
determination and willpower). I did not even have the first
understanding of addiction itself. All I knew was that I had used
everything at my disposal that I knew of, and that I was desperately
praying that I should succeed in remaining clean for life.
Today I
have come to believe that Hashem saw how clueless I was and He saw
that somewhere within me there was a "pintele Yid" trying to
return to his Father in Heaven. I have come to believe that in his
great mercy and kindness, He chose me, not because I deserve it but
because He had mercy on me, to allow me to put the 36 years of my
addiction to good use by sharing my story with others.
I have
come to believe that is also why He directed me in a miraculous way
(with multiple "coincidences") to a very specific SA group that was
at a very specific period of their growth, which enabled me to share
a system of adopting a very simple, practical and basic level of
Chasidus - so simple and basic that even a non-Jewish drunk
could get started within just 4 weeks. No previous religious
background, knowledge or idealism is required, no prior Emunah
(faith) is required, in fact nothing at all is required
except for a determination to go to any length to get sober.
And even greater than the kindness that Hashem has done for my
eating and financial problems, and even more critical to my
recovery, is this ability Hashem gave me to share with fellow
addicts a foolproof system for addiction-free living that takes
nothing more than a readiness to do whatever it takes. That's what I
got from the 12 Steps of SA.
The system Boruch found is called
"Back
to Basics; 12-Steps in 4 weeks", and today Boruch moderates
an anonymous phone conference group here on GYE twice a week, for a
group of religious guys just like you! See
this page for info on how to join.
(You can still catch this Sunday's
call!)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Saying
of the Day
By "Momo"
"After my
latest binge, I realized that my worst days when trying are nowhere
as bad as my 'normal' days when not trying"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Practical Tip of the Day
"It works for me - and I need to be
free!"
By
"Dov"
I believe in very few "rules" and directives.
If whatever I'm already doing isn't working (and I had >15 years of
that craziness), I try something else. If that works, I keep
it in my pocket for the next time and share it with others.
Here's one example of what works for me. If I have a strong
temptation to take an intentional look at someone, or if they come
back into my mind later on, I daven for them. For me, it works every
time, especially when it really hurts inside. It usually takes one
or two doses of prayer and their image completely loses its power
over me.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Quote
of the Day
My Shooting Instructor
By
"Kanesher"
Direct anger and
frustration at the addiction and use that energy for recovery.
My
shooting instructor once told me, "there are people in this world
who need to be shot. When that time comes, you want to be able to
help them".
We owe
him. Now it's your bullet. For every smashed dream, for every moment
of guilt, disgust, fear... we owe him a blood debt, one that we
won't forget. Every time we say no, every time we help someone
else say no - it's payback time.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
For those who find it hard to find the time to read through the
GuardYourEyes Handbooks, we will try and bring an excerpt each day.
In this way, everyone will have a chance to go through the handbooks
over time. Currently, we are bringing daily excerpts from
the GYE Handbook, which presents 18 tools to breaking free of
Lust addiction in progressive order.
Daily excerpt
from
the GYE Handbook
(Right-click the link and press "Save Link/Target As" to download
the e-Book)
Excerpt #8
Tool #2: Guard Your Eyes
Part 1
It is not for nothing that our network is called
"GuardYourEyes". Aside from having the proper attitude in this
struggle - as discussed above, the most obvious practical
step to conquering lust addiction is learning to guard our eyes.
This is the cornerstone of breaking free, and it's obvious why:
We can't lust for that which we don't see. When we guard our
eyes, it's like we are avoiding the wrestling rink where the mighty
Yetzer Hara is waiting to beat us up. If we simply don't enter the
rink, he can't touch us!
And conversely, it is impossible to even begin to heal from
lust addiction if we continue to be bombarded with triggers at every
turn. As Lust Addicts, our minds have become accustomed to lusting.
We can not gaze at stimulating imagery and expect not to be
triggered. We cannot have it all within hands reach and expect to be
strong enough to stay away. We have grown addicted to the chemical
rush in our mind that the Lust brings on, much in the same way that
an alcoholic craves his bottle. Therefore, if we are to break the
addictive cycle, we must first keep lust at a distance to be able to
begin our journey to recovery.
And one of the first things that this entails is installing a strong
internet filter.
Internet Filters
The GuardUrEyes.com website has an entire section with
filter options, ranging from "server" or "client" based, free or
commercial, Jewish or non-Jewish. There is something there to meet
anyone's needs. On our website, we can also learn about how the
different types of filters work and
what the terms mean, such as "server based", "client based",
"white-list", "blacklist" etc...
If you're looking for a free relatively solid and simple-to-use
filter, we recommend
K9. However, it is imperative that someone else's e-mail address
be used in the installation, so the password cannot be easily
requested. For a step by step guide on how to do this correctly and
efficiently
see here (Important: read also the comments at the bottom
of the page). If we must have completely open internet access
for our work, we can still download
accountability software where e-mails are sent to a partner who
will see all the questionable pages that we may have browsed.
If our internet filter does not block all questionable sites, we
must carefully consider our motivation for every site we visit. We
must begin to recognize the sly voice of our addiction. If it's a
news site, we need to consider why we want to read certain
articles. If it's because the site or article discusses
inappropriate topics (fashion, celebrities, or "news items" relating
to immoral behavior), or even if it might discuss them and
the Yetzer Hara (read: addiction) wants us to find out
for sure, then we must learn to hold back and not click the
links. In general, it is important to limit the amount of sites we
visit to a small list and question anytime we feel the need to visit
a site that is not on the list.
|
575. |
In Today's Issue
-
From Uri's Diary - Part 1:
"Tapping in to the REAL US"
-
From Uri's Diary - Part 2:
"Hashem or Bust"
-
Response to Uri: From "7Up"
-
Response to Uri: From "Battleworn"
-
Saying of the Day: By "ClearEyes"
-
Quote of the Day: By "Hoping"
-
Daily excerpts from
the GYE Handbook:
9:
Guard Your Eyes, Part 2
--------------------------------------------------------------
Today I want to bring some awesome posts from the diary of Uri in
Jerusalem. There is so much we can learn about Teshuvah in Elul from
this young boy.
Uri Uri, Shir Dabeiri! - Awake Awake, Sing a Song!
"Tapping in to the
REAL US"
On
Motzai Shabbos Uri posted on
the forum:
I dragged myself to shul Friday night, after not having been or shul
or having davened in around 4 days.
I went to a shul that I'm rarely at, in the hope of no one bothering
me.
I sat in the corner and listened to sounds of Yedid Nefesh
and I closed my eyes and tried somehow to connect to the beautiful
song even though I was not in that place.
After a minute though, I started getting lost in the moving tune and
in the words of longing for Hashem.
Tears started welling up when I felt an arm on my shoulder.
I looked up to see the Gabai standing over me. He's a family friend.
I knew what he wanted right away.
"No. I'm sorry, but I'd rather not daven this week".
He gave me a pleading look. I knew from times past that it's hard to
find a chazzan in a shul such as this. It's mostly older
Americans who are of the Young Israel type.
I finally nodded my consent. He smiled and walked off.
"What's going on here? G-d, do you fancy yourself a comedian? Out
of all the possible weeks, why this one?! I haven't davened in
almost a week. I am just 2 days after a crazy marathon of sin, and I
am not feeling in the least inspired".
But I do take Kabbalos Shabbos pretty seriously. It used to be my
favorite time of the whole week. And I believe that anyone who leads
the Tzibbur has to really be sincere and in touch with Hashem
and the moment.
So I dug deep down, looking for that part of me which I know is
there somewhere, but is at times (especially now) really hard to
find and connect to.
I took the tallis that the Gabai handed me and got up to the
bimah.
I looked down at the siddur. Such beautiful words.
I opened my mouth "Lechu Neranena Lashem..."
I was off.
It was the most beautiful davening I have had in a long long time.
I have never seen a congregation get so into it.
Here we were, all joined together in the song of the Shabbos - that
I thought I might never feel again.
I thought the shul would lift into the air and fly directly to
shamayim as we sang the holy song of "Lecha Dodi".
By the time we got to Shema, I could swear I felt the walls shaking.
People were mamash yelling "SHEMA YISRAEL!"
It was gevaldig, my friends.
After davening, people were coming over to me left and right.
One guy told me that now he felt he could have a real shabbos.
I think they were exaggerating a bit, but I got the message.
Ok, so I've been down. I've been really down.
But there is a part of me that is connected to Hashem and will
always be connected no matter what.
And if I can only learn to tap into that part, life will be a very
different experience.
I never realized that I can bring up that part even when I'm not
"feeling it".
That's one of the lessons I learned from this Friday night.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Hashem or BUST!
Uri
posted on Sunday Morning:
I had a very long and difficult night.
I had a very long and difficult week.
I've been in a very bad emotional state and I'm not really sure how
to get out of it.
Anything you guys want to suggest, I will have already tried. Thank
you, though.
Last night I fell.
I had really really wanted to go for the 90 days this time.
I was inspired by Mom's (7Up) attainment of 90 days last week, and I
had hoped to use that inspiration to do so myself as well.
I barely made it to 3 days.
But I took a shower, put on a fresh pair of clothes, grabbed my
tefillin (first I had to look for them, I haven't seen them in a
couple of days) and I headed out to the Kosel.
As I stood there wrapping my tefillin on my arm, I felt like such an
idiot.
"Who the heck do I think I am?! I was just in a world of tumah
and znus and wasted my life for enjoyment! What am I doing here?"
As that thought crossed my mind, I had a picture of Hashem pushing
me away.
"Get out of here", He was saying, "I don't need you to
daven to Me".
I was feeling pretty stupid when I remembered something that
happened to me last week.
I came home from yeshiva exhausted and depressed.
My little 5 year old sister ran over, shrieking for a hug.
"Not right now. I'm so tired. I'll play with you later".
But to my surprise, she again reached for a hug.
I said, "not right now, my arms are full, and I'm really tired
and not feeling well."
I was speaking gently but firmly.
But she kept persisting. "Uri, pick me up. Hold me". She was
begging.
I was so moved that I put down my bags and reached down to pick her
up and hugged her with all the love that I possessed. I couldn't
stop kissing her.
This memory flashed through my mind as I stood there in my tefillin
in front of the Wall, as the sun was beginning to rise.
And I said to Hashem, "Listen. I don't know if you want me to
talk to you or not. You're probably sick of me by now, and You are
trying to get me to go away. But no matter how hard you push, I will
keep reaching for You. You can't get rid of me, not You, not the
Yetzer Hara, not the Satan, no one. I will not stop reaching for you
to hold me."
And with that, I davened Shacharis.
I davened for all of us at GYE and I thought of a few specific
strugglers that I know are having quite a painful and difficult
time. And I cried.
And I thought of myself.
"Hashem, I just want to be good".
"I just want to learn without going crazy inside".
"I want to be able to daven without feeling this deep guilt".
"I want to be a holy home among klal yisrael".
"I want to have a pure marriage".
"I don't want this anymore".
And I cried.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Later Uri contacted "Mom"
(7Up, the GYE Rebbetzin) and poured out his heart and pain,
feeling that Hashem had abandoned him by letting him fall. She
replied:
Dear Uri, I'm crying as I write this. I read your thread and tears
of pain and pride are trickling down my cheek right now. If only you
knew how special you are!
To be honest, I'm not sure why you feel Hashem has abandoned you
again. Didn't you just have a Kabbalas Shabbos in shamayim
itself? Didn't you get to daven at the Kosel? Didn't you get to open
your heart to the only one who can really hear its pain? Just
because he didn't answer immediately doesn't mean He didn't
listen. Only a child demands and expects immediate
gratification. And Uri, you are no longer a child. You need to learn
acceptance and patience; both for yourself and for others. But
MOSTLY, for yourself....
Hasn't Hashem sent you His most precious messengers to hold your
hand through these great tests? Are GYE members anything less than
human angels? My dear Uri, what are you expecting exactly; that the
kisei hakavod itself come down and plonk itself in your
living room? OPEN YOUR EYES; Hashem's hugs are there. He loves you;
We love you. Now all we need is for YOU to love YOU!!!!!!!!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Battleworn" wrote a beautiful heartfelt response to Uri on the
forum:
Holy Uri, you outdid yourself this time. What you said to Hashem by
the Kosel is by far the greatest and most powerful form of Teshuva
and Teffila! The Gemarah says that the king Menasheh was such a
terrible rashah that he really couldn't do Teshuva anymore
according to the normal rules. But when he did teshuva ANYWAY,
Hashem "dug a tunnel" for him to return through. In other words,
this kind of attitude - that "I don't care about anything; I
want Hashem or BUST", has the power to create a new reality
that didn't exist before.
In fact, R' Tzadok (Tzdkas Hatzadik 46) says that this is the
avodah of our generation (the last one before Moshiach). He says
that this is the deeper meaning of what Chazal say, that in the last
generation "Chutzpa Yasgi
- Brazenness will increase"-
that even when Hashem pushes us away, we still insist on coming
close. That is THE way to bring Moshiach, and it's
thoroughly amazing to see it happening in such a perfect way!!!
Dearest Uri, all those guys that are learning their heads off in
Yeshiva getting ready for Rosh Hashonah, they're great - Hashem
loves them - they're doing wonderful things, and kol hakovod
to them. But it's people like YOU that Moshiach has been waiting
for. PEOPLE WHO FIND HASHEM IN THE DARKEST OF THE DARK; PEOPLE WHO
AFTER BEING ROBBED OF ALL THEIR KEDUSHA AND THROWN IN TO THE VERY
DEPTHS OF TUMAH UNTIL THEY CAN'T EVEN GET THEMSELVES TO PUT ON
TEFILIN, THEY JUST WON'T GIVE UP! THEY JUST WON'T BUDGE! AND THEY
SAY: "No matter how hard you push, I will keep reaching for
You. You can't get rid of me, not You, not the Yetzer Hara, not the
Satan, no one. I will not stop reaching for you to hold me."
Uri, I'm so full of awe and emotion, that I can't even think
straight anymore....
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Saying of the Day
By "ClearEyes"
"One really tough Sunday afternoon is worth more than 10 regular
days for your growth and in separating yourself from this
addiction."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Quote
of the Day
By "Hoping"
"I started here just a few months ago, after 20 years of
addiction. I too thought this was just another "strategy" in the
long list of strategies that I have tried. Obviously, they all
failed. But you will see, GYE is not only about strategy. We can all
get real recovery here. YOU CAN GET BETTER!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
For
those who find it hard to find the time to read through the
GuardYourEyes Handbooks, we will try and bring an excerpt each day.
In this way, everyone will have a chance to go through the handbooks
over time. Currently, we are bringing daily excerpts from
the GYE Handbook, which presents 18 tools to breaking free of
Lust addiction in progressive order.
Daily excerpt
from
the GYE Handbook
(Right-click the link and press "Save Link/Target As" to download
the e-Book)
Excerpt #9
Tool #2: Guard Your Eyes
Part 2
In healing from
this addiction, we need to learn to be very honest with ourselves.
If we find that we can't control our surfing habits, we need to
admit it and make stronger fences (see the next tool - #3), such as
getting a better filter or setting the current filter's settings to
a higher protection level.
We highly suggest getting solid internet filters that block any
questionable sites. The best type of filters are Jewish server-based
filters like Jnet, Koshernet, Yeshivanet and Internet Rimon (in
Israel). And of course, the best level of protection is
"White-list", which means that all sites are blocked except for
specific sites that we can ask the company to open for us (or sites
that the company has already checked and white-listed). If the
"white-list" option is impossible for us for Parnassa related
reasons, the filter should at least be set to the highest protection
setting that we can afford to use, even if that means less
entertainment.
It is important to realize though, that the goal of the filter is
only to keep it "out of sight and out of mind". It is not going to
remove the possibility of accessing indecent material altogether. If
a person is determined enough, they will often be able to find ways
to bypass filters, and even if not, they will always be able to find
many other venues to access inappropriate material. Ultimately, the
change must come from within, with a sincere desire to stop lusting.
(See the "Attitude
Handbook" for more on how to achieve this sincerity).
The filter acts mainly as a "heker" (a reminder), similar in a sense
to what our Sages tell us about Palti ben Layish (to whom
Shaul Hamelech gave over David's wife). Palti was alone every
evening with Michal (who Chazal tell us was one of the most
beautiful women) and yet he never stumbled because of a sword that
he placed between the two of them, saying that whoever bypasses this
sword should be run through by it. The filter is like our sword, it
is our "heker". But it will not stop us completely unless we want
it to. However, since it can take a long time until we learn to
genuinely give up our lust to Hashem, we must have a strong filter
at all times. For if we don't get it out of reach, we won't be able
to stop the vicious cycle of addiction and begin the healing
process.
Another great way to make sure we guard our eyes online is to place
the computer in a highly visible area of the house such as the
living room, and to also make sure never to use the internet when
alone in the house.
In any event, it is best for us - if possible - to avoid all
non-Jewish news and entertainment sites (and the like). See our
Kosher Isle for lists of Kosher news and entertainment sites
that can provide us with more than our daily dosage of news and
distractions.
|
576. |
In Today's Issue
-
Mazal Tov to Jack:
One Year Clean!
-
A
New e-Book on Shmiras Habris:
"Hands-Off"
-
Poem of the Day:
"I Fell"
-
Quote of the Day:
Rav Avigdor Miller zt"l
-
Daily Dose of Dov:
"I'm Just Hashem's Kid"
-
Daily excerpts from
the GYE Handbook:
10:
Guard Your Eyes, Part 3
--------------------------------------------------------------
A Big Mazal
Tov to Jack on One Year Clean!
Jack wrote me an e-mail:
Dear guardureyes, yesterday was my one-year anniversary on GYE. What
is a birthday for if not for reflecting on the past year? Have we
grown? Are we the same as we were last year? Well, for 38 years
straight, I was the same every year, YEAR IN AND YEAR OUT. On Yom
Kippur, the bracha says, 'umavir
ashmosainu bichol shana v'shana'- which means G-d
wipes out our sins every year. Well, until I found GYE, I was asking
every year for Him to wipe out my sins. This year, for the first
time in my life, I DO NOT HAVE TO ASK HIM TO WIPE OUT THIS SIN,
BECAUSE I DIDN'T GO TO THAT PLACE EVEN ONCE. Of course, I still need
help on my OTHER sins, which are many. But, at least, on this one
particular sin, He can rest this year :-) So, thank you, thank you,
and thank you again for doing this tremendous, tremendous tova
for the Jewish world. May Hashem grant you and your family and
friends and all who are dependent on you, much bracha and continued
hatzlacha with your holy, holy work.
To
see Jack's inspiring log from his first 90 days
click here
If Jack can do it, we ALL can!
Jack suffers from so many things, low self esteem, anxiety,
abusive childhood, fear and constant pain (from a burst appendix in
his youth which never fully healed), and he was heavily addicted for
38 years! Jack is mechayev (obligates) us all.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Hands-Off"
A PDF
e-Book on Shmiras Habris
Someone recently sent us an e-Book on
Shmiras Habris with tips on staying clean, which he called
"Hands-Off".
Click here
to download the PDF
(right-click and choose "Save Target/link As").
Here is what he wrote to us:
Shalom Aleichem, A friend of mine
just sent me the link to your site. What a great implementation of a
wonderful idea! B"H, I have been "clean" for over 3 years and in
fact, a friend asked me how I have managed this and I proceeded to
write him a pamphlet on attitudes, safeguards, kavanos, etc. Another
friend has asked for it as well, so I refined it now (as the first
was written quickly on torn notebook paper). I believe that what I
wrote was very helpful; at least it was for my friend. Please feel
free to share it with others.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Poem of
the Day
A moving poem by "TrYiNg"
"I Fell"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Quote
of the Day
Posted by "Kedusha"
From "Sing, You Righteous" by
Rav Avigdor Miller zt"l
"Romantic Love is a huge fraud foisted on the western world
by poets and novelists, but it has no place in reality, and
it always ends in frustration. It is only when marriages are made
with rational considerations, that the participants thereby are
satisfied. Art 'for itself' is an empty affectation, and Literature
is the great chorus of falsehood which continues to persuade men
that all these empty values are important."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Daily
Dose of Dov
"I'm Just
Hashem's Kid"
Someone wrote on the forum:
I'm on day 20 and hit a milestone of
one of the first periods of nidda that I made it through without
falling. You would think I'd be flying high... But I actually had a
tough Shabbos. My addiction was causing me to obsess quite a lot and
it was really disturbing. I wanted to enjoy my success and totally
envisioned that I would, but I didn't get that glowing feeling...
Dov
Responds:
I can afford a little enjoyment of "my" successes. But just a
little. It appears to many that the more encouragement, the better,
but I have found it not to be so. Mind you, I
am not proposing that there is anything at all essentially treif
or evil about patting oneself on the back (even though Hashem really
deserves 98.6% of the credit - I doubt He minds...). We do it all
the time and Pavlov loved the idea. And so do I. I need to be
grateful and appreciate success, because success makes me a
believer. That is the only reason I use dates and anniversaries.
But when it came to expecting joy from "x" amount of days sober, I
discovered that I reach a point of diminishing returns rather
quickly. I easily get overconfident - I have seen dozens of guys get
sober for a week or a month, or more, and go back out there.
Strangely, it often happens soon after they expound a bit on
new-found wisdom based on the "sobriety time under their belts". I
am not criticizing them, at all. All I am saying is that I don't
need that. And I don't want it for any other addict, either.
In the big picture, I deserve little credit for breathing. I
also deserve only a little credit for just staying sober. It's the
prerequisite for life itself. I pity the guy who just wants to "stay
alive", for his whole life. The question is: what did I do with the
life I was given as a result of staying sober? Not in
a judgemental way, at all, mind you, but in a positive way. I
simply do not have the luxury to sit back and enjoy the sobriety for
very long. Just a bit. Then I need to remember to use my
gift of sobriety to move on quickly into living my life. That's recovery
for me. Real life - engaging it and living it.
See, some folks will say that there is intrinsic value in just
not acting out. And, of course, I agree! You know, they say at
the American Lung Assoc. that "When you can't breathe, nothing
else matters". Great line, no?
However, I ask you: is that all you really want? Is that really
your goal? Allow me to put it in a Torah context: Is
your goal in your life as a Jew to "do mitzvos and to not do aveiros"?
Or is it (as the Chovos Halevavos puts it:) to build a relationship
with Hashem? Of course the work of a lifetime is in
little bites - but as spiritual yidden (and I believe if you are an
addict - you are probably very spiritual) most agree (at least those
hold onto mussar or chassidus) that we need to keep
our eyes on the Prize, lest we get lost in the details and derailed.
As for me - and I assume you'll understand - I spent all my
years in addiction serving Hashem, albeit in a very stilted way. I
was relating to Him mainly through my lust: either I was pathetic
cuz I gave in, or worthy cuz I didn't. Now I am neither. I am just
His kid.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
For
those who find it hard to find the time to read through the
GuardYourEyes Handbooks, we will try and bring an excerpt each day.
In this way, everyone will have a chance to go through the handbooks
over time. Currently, we are bringing daily excerpts from
the GYE Handbook, which presents 18 tools to breaking free of
Lust addiction in progressive order.
Daily excerpt
from
the GYE Handbook
(Right-click the link and press "Save Link/Target As" to download
the e-Book)
Excerpt #10
Tool #2: Guard Your Eyes
Part 3
Guarding our eyes outside
As addicts to lust, we must be extra careful about
where we go. It is best to refrain from frequenting malls and other
such public places where we know we will have difficulty guarding
our eyes. If we must be in such places, we can try to spend as
little time there as possible, and perhaps even wear sunglasses
covered inside with non-see through lamination (see Chizuk e-mail
#76 on
this page for a nice story about this), or color the inside of a
special pair of glasses with a black magic marker, leaving only a
small hole to pear through (the Steipler gave someone this idea).
Even weddings, Simchos and family gatherings can be problematic for
us, and we can try to prepare ourselves mentally before hand. We can
resolve to remain in the non-mixed areas as much as possible, or try
to find a seat facing in a direction opposite from any possible
triggers.
If we will have to be in an area where we know there will be a
struggle, we can try to offer a short prayer before leaving the
house: "Please Hashem, help me not to take any second looks". And if
we find that we do stumble and take a second look, we can quickly
offer another short prayer and say "Hashem, I surrender my lust to
you! Please take it away from me".
Guarding our eyes off-line
If we are serious about breaking free of Lust
addiction, we need to try to refrain from watching TV, movies and
reading non-Jewish magazines and newspapers, all of which are full
of promiscuity. Even the most innocent-sounding children's movies
today are filled with imagery which can be very triggering for a
lust addict and we must therefore try to avoid them.
Let's talk about movies, for example. Movies are one of the biggest
stumbling blocks to a proper healing from lust addiction, because
often we find them very hard to give up. They serve as a source of
entertainment for millions of people around the world, and they are
often a welcome distraction from the difficult realities of life.
But movies are filled to the brim with triggers to lust. (See
this humorous article about movies from Arutz Sheva Blogger,
Tzvi Fishman). And even if one is successful to find a movie with
absolutely no provocatively dressed women or kissing scenes in them
(almost impossible today), will there still not even be any
attractive female actors in the movie at all? Therefore, if we are
trying to guard our eyes in the street - and we must be; how can we
allow ourselves to stare at attractive women in a movie for about 2
hours straight? As lust addicts, most of us simply cannot look at
attractive women - even modestly dressed - and not think or feel any
undercurrent of lust. The nature of the addiction has taken this
ability away from us. And we must admit this truth to ourselves,
that as long as we are lusting - we are still feeding the addiction.
Therefore, in the GYE community, we know that if we are truly
serious about breaking free from the poison of lust, we must let
this be our sacrifice for Hashem's glory and give up non-Jewish
movies for good. And surely this will be considered a most precious
sacrifice in Hashem's eyes, a sacrifice brought on the alter of our
hearts!
For more practical tips on guarding the eyes see
this page, and for some great attitude tips on guarding our eyes
that can really make it easier, read through
this page.
|
577. |
In Today's Issue
-
Mazal Tov to Jack (Part 2):
Reactions & Responses
-
Quote of the Day:
"Turning to Hashem"
-
Daily Dose of Dov:
"Giving in won't help"
-
Personal Experience:
"ClearEyes" shares...
-
Daily excerpts from
the GYE Handbook:
11.
Guard Your Eyes, Part 4
--------------------------------------------------------------
Mazal Tov To
Jack - Part 2
Responses & Reactions
In response to yesterday's Mazal Tov to "Jack" on his one year
anniversary
(and the links to
his 90 day time-line) "MosheF" wrote:
For 15 years, every single time I needed it, I just followed it
until I was sick, and then resolved never to do it again. That
lasted for a day or two, maximum a week, and then I was right back.
So now, what do I expect of myself - that it's going to be easy?! I
know it will be hard, but I'm trying all the same.
It was good timing that today's chizuk email spoke about Jack, I
followed his story a year ago and he really is mechayev
(obligates) us all. I don't usually cry (I leave that to my wife),
but I read his posts and story and my eyes were filled with tears.
"On
the Road" wrote:
Jack's story is unbelievable. I am so encouraged when I see people
that did it. Real people. Normal people who make me realize that I
can do it too. Unbelievable.
I
sent these responses to "Jack" and he wrote me back:
Yes, it's hard
for me to believe myself. I went through torture, if you remember.
But it was worth it, boy was it worth it. It would
have been much much easier not to do anything about it, but I
grabbed on to you guys, and I never let go. And I don't plan on ever
letting go.
I have to remember that I can fall any time at the drop of a hat. So
far I haven't, but I know I have to be on my guard every second.
Just this morning I thought about what would be born from my actions
if I would stumble, and it stopped me. I AM an addict and I have to
watch it.
And by the way, Rabbi Twerski says that someone can become an addict
to anything, such as alcohol, as long as it fills a void.
Remember the 'void' that I cried about last year and you wrote to
Rabbi Twerski twice for me (see
here and
here)? Well, B"H I don't feel that void anymore. Don't ask me
why, because I won't be able to tell you, but I just don't feel it
anymore.
Jack asked me to post the following to everyone:
Dear GYE family,
As you know, I only have sporadic access to GYE these days at the
library (if there's no line). So, I want to wish everybody a CLEAN
year, and I want to tell you that I love you all for the efforts you
are making. Yes, it's extremely difficult, but the rewards are worth
it. Any addiction can ruin our lives if carried too far. It ruins
families - do you want that? Taken to its extreme, it can even be
deadly - do you want that? Do you want your picture on the front
page of the New York Post with the following headline: 'JEWISH
ORTHODOX MAN SEEN IN THE MOST DECADENT PLACE ON EARTH!'? The post
would love to print that story - and your life will be ruined. Do
you think they care? They just want one thing - to sell papers,
period. THINK man, THINK!! This is all BESIDES transgressing the
will of G-d!!!!
Do Teshuva now. It is before Rosh Hashanah - one day now counts more
than any other time of year! Please, get the treatment you need. And
remember to have patience. Help might not come right away, it might
take time to find the right support, the right people; but at least
you're trying! And above all, DON'T GIVE UP! NEVER give up the
fight! No matter how many falls; as it says "seven times the
Tzadik falls and gets up". Seven is just an arbitrary number. It
means even a thousand! And remember, you can't do it alone. It is
only a rare person that can do it alone.
And lastly, if you get clean, don't let gaava (pride) get
you! Gaava can bring you down faster than you can blink an
eye! Never let your guard down!
A good and blessed year to everyone,
Jack
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Quote of the Day
"Why does Elul seem even harder?"
By 7Up
When all is going
smoothly, we don't feel as much of a need to speak to Hashem and
request His help. Sorta like a wealthy person rarely feels the need
to ask Hashem to give him parnassa as often as a poor person does.
But the reality is, that BOTH are just as dependant on His
chesed every second, and at any point the cheshbon could switch.
Our sudden weakness and vulnerability now, remind us to turn to
Hashem. "SAVE ME, I don't want to fall!!!" Davka during Elul
Hashem wants to hear this more than any other time of the year.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Daily
Dose of Dov
Saying of
the Day
"I have
never felt bad enough - or been in a situation that is
bad enough, that a little lusting wouldn't make it even worse!"
Ani ma'amin be'emunah sheleimah that however much it
hurts not to act out, acting out will only make things even more complicated
and even more difficult for me. There's gottabe
something else I can do!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Personal
Experience of the Day
"Can There Be Anything Greater Than This?"
A very inspiring post by "ClearEyes"
(clean already 50 days!)
One of the main
tactics for me is filling the emptiness with spiritual pursuits.
When I actually think about it, I have made such strides and should
be dancing in the streets, but the Y"H does wonders in concealing
our accomplishments and revealing only our setbacks.
Before my recent
change, I was devoid of any ruchnius. No learning, no minyan;
davening was a joke. I was empty. In the beginning of my journey on
GYE, my change was mainly "sur me'ra". I avoided
lust at all costs and spent hours on end reading GYE to
penetrate my heart and soul. Amazingly, growth in other areas began
to take place. My davening went from under a minute, to 2-3 minutes.
I began davening from a siddur, as a tikkun. I surprised myself by
driving by a shul on Sunday and somehow ended up inside for Mincha.
I even made an effort to get up and daven shachris with a minyan,
but even with going to bed on time and having had enough sleep, I
could not get up 1 minute before I needed to get to work on time.
Then came Elul. Boy was it hard, but I managed to break the ice and
get myself to shul. After 30+ days clean, I am now going to shul for
shachris every morning.
My learning also
did not take place till after a full month clean. I had thoughts to
learn already before 30 days, but I did not. I knew I needed to
spend every spare minute immersed in GYE, taking in as much medicine
as I could. I was sick and if I had wasted hours daily taking in the
poison, I needed to spend hours with the cure. If the y"h tried to
have me leave GYE dressed up as a tzadik crying "Bitul Torah", I
answered back that GYE is Torah!
Before I opened a sefer, I had to be ready.
I needed distance from the tumah.
I wanted my head in the sefer.
I needed distance from the tumah.
I wanted the sefer to stay open more than a few minutes.
I needed distance from the tumah.
I wanted to be able to apply the same energy as I did towards my
addiction.
I needed distance from the tumah.
I would (and
still do) daven to Hashem to fill my "void". During davening, I
place special focus on "p'sach libi betorasecha,
u'vimitzvosecha tirdoph nafshi".
Please Hashem, break open my heart,
even just a little.
Soften up my heart,
even just a little.
Let me want, stay focused, and understand your Torah,
even just a little.
Let me desire You, Your Torah and Your mitzvos like I desired my
addiction,
even just a little.
Let me run towards You like I literally ran towards my addiction,
even just a little.
I have distanced
myself from the tumah. It is now time for "ve'ase tov".
I have begun learning the parsha, halacha, and gemara. It's not
easy, and I need to stay focused, but the desire is there. Albeit
small, something has been ignited within. I work and have a wife and
kids, so I don't have hours to spend in learning. I am now working
on keeping my head in my sefer during my train ride to and from
work.
Yesterday I was
having trouble understanding a gemara and I gave up. But I need to
realize how far I've come in such a short time and be happy
that I'm on the correct path. So I'm having trouble understanding a
gemara! Big deal! So I'll read the mishna again. So I'll be behind
on the daf. I need to focus on the quality. The harder it is
to understand - and the harder I try, the better. This is the best
tikkun possible. We are all here to change our lives. The greater
the result (overcoming our addiction), then the greater effort is
needed to be put in. Can there be anything greater than overcoming
our addiction?! Certainly not! Then we can't expect it to be easy.
This is what we were created for. Its going to be hard, very
hard, but we can do it!!!
May Hashem
continue to steer us clear of lust and may we continue moving upward
on the path of righteousness.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
For
those who find it hard to find the time to read through the
GuardYourEyes Handbooks, we will try and bring an excerpt each day.
In this way, everyone will have a chance to go through the handbooks
over time. Currently, we are bringing daily excerpts from
the GYE Handbook, which presents 18 tools to breaking free of
Lust addiction in progressive order.
Daily excerpt
from
the GYE Handbook
(Right-click the link and press "Save Link/Target As" to download
the e-Book)
Excerpt #11
Tool #2: Guard Your Eyes
Part 4
The
Cornerstone
It is important to realize that guarding the eyes is
not just "Tool #2" of the tools in this Handbook, but rather it's
the cornerstone of all the tools. Without guarding our eyes,
we continue to lust and feed the addiction, and no matter what other
steps we may take, we are still acting like an alcoholic who takes
small sips of whiskey to get his high. We have to learn to let go
of lust and not allow ourselves to have that "first drink".
There is no "drinking like a gentleman" for an alcoholic, and
neither is there for us. Once we taste it a little, we are easily
drawn back in and will often lose control. (See the SA Guide called
"Why
Stop Lusting?").
Although we present this tool in the very beginning, guarding our
eyes applies throughout all the tools. Even those who are more
seriously addicted and are working already with Tools #14 and on (of
this handbook), they will still need to guard their eyes. True "lust
addicts" do not have control in this area. No matter how many years
they manage to stay clean and no matter what steps they takes, if
they are faced head-on with lust, they will feel powerless. As the
saying goes: "Once an addict, always an addict". As scary as
this may seem, it really is not so bad. Someone who has a deficiency
of Iron in their body, even if it's a chronic condition, they can
still lead perfectly normal lives as long as they take their daily
Iron pill.
With the 12 Steps (Tool #14 below) we learn how to admit
powerlessness and surrender our lust to Hashem. By following the
steps of this Handbook, we can learn to keep the addiction
completely in check, and lead happy and fulfilling lives. But we
must never let our guard down. The number one symptom of this
disease is that when we are faced head-on with lust, we cannot
help lusting. And that is why the very first practical tool in
recovering from lust addiction is to guard our eyes and avoid lust
at all costs.
|
578. |
In Today's Issue
-
Jack's Anniversary (Part 3):
What is Jack's secret?
-
Uri's Party:
A Lesson in Group Support
-
Daily Dose of Dov:
"Anyone but me"
-
Laugh of the Day:
"Light at the end of the tunnel"
-
Daily excerpts from
the GYE Handbook:
12:
Guard Your Eyes, Part 5
--------------------------------------------------------------
Jack's
Anniversary - Part 3
What is Jack's Secret?
In response to our Mazal Tov to "Jack" on his one year anniversary
(and the links to
his 90 day time-line) "Mendy" wrote:
I want you to know that I have thought about Jack many times over
the past year and I was sure that by now he had relapsed, big time.
The fact that is still clean give me HUGE hope, although I would
love to know if he doing anything to keep himself sober
(maintenance), or was his original 90 days enough to keep him going
till now?
I
forwarded Mendy's question to "Jack" who responded as follows:
Please tell him
that the 90 days was VERY important in the struggle. One must have
those 90 days under his belt. After that, I wouldn't say it's a
breeze, but it's a lot easier. But even then, we have to keep
in mind that a fall CAN lead back into the addictive cycle if we're
not careful. But those initial 90 days are CRUCIAL - I can't
emphasize this enough; and that means 90 days with NO falls.
It's like taking antibiotics, it has to be continuous for it to have
an effect on the bloodstream. Here too, we have to have a continuous
streak to effect the nervous system. And the studies show that 90
days is the time needed for this. AA knew this already 80 years ago,
even BEFORE there were any studies. In AA they suggest 90 meetings
in 90 days to really get a person started.
One more thing - no, the 90 days alone isn't enough. You have to
keep the kesher (connection)
with your support people, otherwise you may slip back into the
addictive cycle. So, I have kept up my kesher with our leader
(yup that's me, the humble "guard")
and I call my sponsors from time to time, just to keep up my
kesher. Without my sponsor Elya
(see our hotline
here),
I NEVER could have accomplished what I accomplished. He was always
there, and I mean always. He listened to me scream and cry over the
phone and he didn't say anything, because he knew what I was going
through. And I did it! It was the most unbearable voluntary pain
that I ever put myself through. But I had people to support me, and
that made ALL the difference in the world. I felt their love
through the phone and emails and
the forum, and for the first time in my life I felt loved, even
though I never met or spoke by phone to our our leader. And "Mevakesh"
showed me that he loves me too, even though I never met him, but I
did talk to him on the phone
(see Mevakesh's story
here).
Love and acceptance is what it's all about; and that's what I was
missing in my life. Some Rabbis who don't understand the power of
addiction will just tell you to stop, and I don't criticize them,
because how can they know better if they didn't study addictions? Do
they know about dentistry? No, because they didn't study it.
Addiction is a medical condition; and that's why Rabbi Twerski knows
about it, because he studied it.
So anyway, here I am now, one year clean (with only one slip), and I
can't believe my own progress in this area. And I wish the same for
you!
Jack
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Uri's Party
A Lesson in
Group Support
I'm sure a lot of you are wondering
what all that noise was last night on the forum (see from reply #731
and on, at
Uri's place),
what with all that blaring music and dancing till the wee hours of
the morning...
So let me give you some background...
Yesterday Uri posted a last gasp of a drowning man:
I'm falling big time here.
This is my last call for help.
I have two tabs open now, one of them is GYE, the other...
I also have had enough of falling by myself. I have my finger on the
phone waiting to call a girl which I know for certain will lead to
*** tonight.
I don't even know why I'm posting.
I was feeling good a minute ago.
Now I feel low.
Uch
Uri immediately got a
bunch of replies of support on the forum.
Battleworn posted: "YOU CAN'T POSSIBLY PUSH
HASHEM OUT OF YOUR LIFE!!!! HE LOVES YOU AND CARES ABOUT YOU WAY
WAY TO MUCH FOR THAT!!!"
After
a few minutes, Uri replied:
Your posts just shook me up, especially Battleworn's comment that
you can't push Hashem away. I feel like I've asked Hashem to leave
the room, and now I'm alone. But Battleworn is right, that's not
possible.
So I'm gonna take a break for a bit, but I'm not saying that I'm not
gonna fall. I'm already into it. I'm just taking a break. That's it.
Meanwhile, some
of Uri's dear friends, such as Battleworn, Struggle and Momo tried
to call Uri by phone, but at first he wouldn't pick up. Finally he
picked up the phone. It was Momo on the line.
Momo
writes:
Ok, so I got through to Uri and I told him that I can't go back to
work if he falls. We made a deal. He'll leave the room NOW and go
for a walk to cool off if I go back to work.
A few
minutes later Momo posts:
I just wanted to update everyone. Uri called me. He went for a walk
(hurray, I'm proud of you Uri for taking my advice!).
His computer is off, and he's going to spend most of the
afternoon/night in a very kosher place away from his computer, so he
most likely won't be posting until tomorrow. So, don't worry if he
doesn't post until tomorrow. He's doing alright.
Then I
(the humble Guard)
happened upon Uri's thread while making my rounds, and I posted to
Uri the following:
Uri, you're so strong. I think I'll be repeating your name during
Ne'ilah this Yom Kippur... All the prosecuting angels will
surely flee when they hear your name!
But Uri, I just want to mention one important thing. You wrote:
"I also have
had enough of falling by myself. I have my finger on the phone
waiting to call a girl which I know for certain will lead to ***
tonight".
You should know, that sinning with someone live is very serious.
Nidda is an Issur Kares, and even touching "bi'derech
chiba" is ye'hareg ve'al ya'avor since that is "abizraya
de'arayos" (see the sefer Nidchai Yisrael from the
Chafetz Chaim)... Now I'm not here to give mussar or try to sound
scary, but in the book "The
First Day of the Rest of My Life" by R' Shraga, he suggests
drawing red lines; i.e. conquering one territory at a time (see Day
6-7 in the PDF file). Please Uri, make sinning with others your red
line. We all believe that you can do that. Count 90 days
clean in that territory, and then you can move on to
conquer more territory. Can you take this upon yourself now in front
of us all here on the forum, your brothers and sisters who love you,
now, right before Rosh Hashana??? Can you do it?? Go Uri, Go!
Make the announcement and we'll throw a party for you!!!!
A few
hours later, Uri posted on the forum:
Guard,
After carefully considering your offer,
and after consulting with Mom ("7Up") at length on the matter,
I accept you challenge.
My red line now is officially no physical contact with girls.
That includes anything from hugging to ***.
No matter how low I fall, that is my limit.
Happy?
-uri
Then Uri goes on to respond to everyone else's posts of support
(which spanned already two pages in the two short hours he was
gone). He writes:
You guys are so amazing.
I was so touched when I read the last 2 pages.
I am at a loss for words.
Mom (7Up) contacted me today (she doesn't do that often)
Apparently she received several SOS's for me.
These 2 pages are gonna be something that will be mechazek me
for a while.
I will return to them when I'm down IY"H.
My heart feels very full now:
I was drowning
no way to get out
I was losing air,
water in my mouth.
I thought my final thoughts
as the water covered me.
I thought what life could've been,
what it was meant to be.
But now I would die,
drowned by self love.
I gave the evil one my heart,
instead of The One Above.
But as my head went under
I sensed movement up on high
A hand reached down,
and called to me with a cry.
I didn't have strength left
to reach for my life.
But the person just reached down
cut the cords with a knife.
As I was pulled up,
I realized who my savior was.
It was Momo, my friend,
who did what an angel does.
I understood what had happened
as I was drawing my last breath.
My friends, who I love so much
had come and fought lust to the
death.
He had run away screaming
"these people are nuts!!"
I hugged them all tightly
"now whose in the dust?"
Anyway, you can imagine the party we
threw for Uri on the forum
(see from reply #731 and on at
Uri's place).
I even uploaded a special song in honor of Uri's PARTY!! Download
it Here (if you don't
know Hebrew, the theme of the song is translated as "We Shall
Overcome").
Later, Momo posted to Uri on the
forum:
Uri, I'd like to tell you what you did for me.
After we spoke, I actually felt good about myself, and that's not a
given for someone suffering from depression and low self esteem. I
felt that I actually made a difference in someone's life, even if it
was for a moment. That gave me the motivation to work extra hard
yesterday afternoon. In addition, I didn't stay late at work,
instead, I was motivated to go to a shiur! I used to go to a daily
shiur, but I stopped about 2 months ago, and it felt great to go
back. So Uri, I thank YOU. You see, not only does mitzva gorreret
mitzva, but I think that the kedusha that YOU, Uri, brought into
the world by saying "No" to the Y"H and passing a very difficult
test, fell on me too and raised me up. What I'm trying to say is,
that not only did I NOT inconvenience myself by calling you, we
helped each other. Please feel free to call me anytime!
So Rabbosai, if
this isn't what Teshuva, Ahavas Yisrael and "Kol
Yisrael Areivim" is all about, what is? Is this not the best
preparation for the Yomim Nora'im? Let us all take a lesson
from these heroes, and learn the power of "group support", and of
calling out to others when we feel weak.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Daily
Dose of Dov
Quote of
the Day
Sometimes when I feel a little squirrely inside my old head, I
need to actually shut up (a tall order for me!!) and follow
someone else's advice. It could be Hashem's, it could be
another person's - no matter. As long as it isn't me.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Laugh of the Day
By "Rage at the Machine"
I'm on day 12...
feeling strengthened by this network.... I think I see a light at
the end of the tunnel... but I'm pretty sure it's an oncoming
train...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
For
those who find it hard to find the time to read through the
GuardYourEyes Handbooks, we will try and bring an excerpt each day.
In this way, everyone will have a chance to go through the handbooks
over time. Currently, we are bringing daily excerpts from
the GYE Handbook, which presents 18 tools to breaking free of
Lust addiction in progressive order.
Daily excerpt
from
the GYE Handbook
(Right-click the link and press "Save Link/Target As" to download
the e-Book)
Excerpt #12
Tool #2: Guard Your Eyes
Part 5
It's a Process
As we discussed, guarding our eyes is the starting
point, middle point, and the final frontier of this
struggle. Even when we have already learned to control the more
seriously damaging addictive behaviors, we may still find that it
takes us yet another few years to learn how to fully surrender our
lusting to Hashem and gain complete control over our eyes. So
don't get discouraged if you break free of the inappropriate
behaviors but still find it difficult to guard your eyes on the
street. It is a process. But if we stay determined to get our lives
and priorities back on track, we will see progress in
this area, slowly but surely. And we must progress.
Staying in the same place keeps us vulnerable to relapse, and if we
don't try to move forward a little every day in learning how to
guard our eyes, we will remain susceptible to being drawn back into
the harmful addictive behaviors as well.
Some GuardYourEyes Tips
They say in SA that, "the first look is on G-d, the second one is
on us". In other words, we can't help if we saw something
triggering in the street unintentionally. But if we take a second
look, we are feeding our addiction. Here are some GuardYourEyes
training tips that might help us get started in learning to guard
our eyes when on the street. We can try to accept upon ourselves
(not forever, just for "x" amount of days or weeks, at first) that
every time we take that second look at something triggering,
we will (either):
-
give ourselves
a pinch that hurts,
-
give 25 cents
to tzedaka,
-
or give our
eyes a "time out" by closing them for 6 seconds.
And let us also
reflect for a moment. If we were blind, chas veshalom, we wouldn't
struggle with lust. If we didn't have this amazing gift of sight
that Hashem gave us, would we be able to lust through our
eyes? Scientists tell us that the human mind makes billions of
calculations per second when processing information from the
zillions of nerve endings that connect our eyes to our brains. How
can we take this amazing gift and use it against Hashem's
will?
|
579. |
In Today's Issue
-
Uri's New Red Line:
"Living in Recovery"
-
Testimonial of the Day:
And "Laugh of the Day" too!
-
Daily Dose of Dov:
"Bringing G-d back into Yiddishkeit"
-
Personal Victory of the Day:
An Opportunity for Teshuvah
-
Therapy Tip of the Day:
Logo-Therapy
-
Daily excerpts from
the GYE Handbook:
13:
Guard Your Eyes, Part 6
--------------------------------------------------------------
Uri's
New Red Line
Yesterday we spoke about drawing "red-lines" and
about how Uri had drawn his red-line at not being with real people
(see "Uri's party" in yesterday's Chizuk e-mail). In response,
someone asked me to share the following:
Rav Dessler
writes in his Michtav Eliyahu that when people create goals for
themselves, it is of utmost importance that they create two opposite
goals. One goal is for aiming to reach further top. The other goal
is for a RED LINE, not to reach below it. In other words, one needs
a "range"; not to fall below a certain rung and to try reaching a
certain height. This will ensure, Rav Dessler explains, that just
because a person didn't reach the height he set out for, it is a lot
less likely that he will give up. Why? Because he DID accomplish
another goal of his, namely by not falling beyond the lower goal of
a red line!
In continuation of Uri's Saga; Uri later posted
the following on the forum (yesterday):
Good evening chevra,
Today was an interesting day. I had a meeting with my sex-addiction
therapist, which I discuss on a separate thread (see this
eye-opening thread
over here).
I don't know for sure why I'm sharing this, but I just want to say
that yesterday I almost fell worse than anyone here even knows,
except for Mom (7Up).
I just want to thank you guys for saving me from doing something
very stupid.
Anyway, my meeting was a real eye-opener and I came out feeling
excited about this new approach in dealing with my addiction. I
would even go so far as to say that I was feeling better than I have
been in quite a while.
And I was feeling even better when I passed a few
girls and I noticed something quite interesting. The "aura" that I
usually sense by girls - that bright gleam, was not there! And these
were decent looking girls, but I was not interested in the
slightest. I guess it's maybe because I was in such a positive mood.
But on the bus on the way to my friend's town (where I'm staying the
night), I was listening to my MP3 when I felt someone bump against
my arm. I looked up and there was this really good looking girl
smiling at me.
"Sorry", she was still smiling.
"Mmhm", I mumbled back incoherently, trying to go back to
looking at the window.
("Not now, please G-d!")
"So where are you headed?", she asked me (in Hebrew).
Ever notice how stupid you sound sometimes when you mumble?
"Komnnkdf"
"What??"
I cleared my throat and told her which Yishuv I was headed to.
"Hey, me too!"
Another smile.
I could swear that she also winked at me.
"Very nice", I answered.
I finally pulled myself together and put my music back on and stared
out the window until I sensed that she had walked away.
I breathed a huge sigh of relief.
I could imagine what she was probably telling her friend at the
moment:
"I think that guy is retarded".
Well, as they say, "Better to be considered a fool in this
world your whole life then for one moment in the World to Come."
I guess I'm a natural.
-Uri
After getting some praise on the forum, Uri
replied:
Hey, it wasn't too hard (sheepishly and modestly)
I mean, I have a red-line now, no?
I also want to apologize if this girl is someone who uses the forum
:-)
I might've been a bit rude.
Sorry.
-Uri
"Hoping" replies to Uri:
Mazal Tov Uri, on your victory!!
When you mentioned that you passed those good looking girls and
weren't interested in the slightest, that sounds to me like you have
just felt the essence of recovery. (And thank you for
crystallizing it - it really helped me). Recovery for me, means
living in a way that I don't need the lust. This way of life
is what I fight to maintain every day. I do not - and cannot
- fight the lust itself. Anyway, feeling the recovery is
really sweet, no? That is worth fighting for!
I would like to
bring another post of "Hoping", where he writes more along the lines
of this profound idea:
I can not live my
life on autopilot anymore. I KNOW where that takes me. I
spent many years living in autopilot mode; even growing in learning
(Torah) and other areas, all while running on auto. For me, recovery
is a change to manual shift. I have to proactively live in
recovery so that I don't need the lust. That
includes living with Hashem and focusing on fulfilling the needs of
others rather than my own needs. I hope that I will
succeed today in living as I need to. I fear falling backwards if I
do not continue to move forwards.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Testimonial of the Day
(Oh, and "Laugh of the Day" too :-)
By "Rage At the
Machine"
When
RAM (Rage at Machine) first joined us, he posted (partly in jest):
I came upon this site recently. Truth be told, I was googling "porn"
when this came up. I was not looking for anything like this. I first
browsed this site with a mix of curiosity and contempt. Like many
here, I have been battling (and often not battling) for over
15 years. I tried all sorts of ways out and nothing worked. At first
browse, I was pretty convinced that this site will not work -
certainly not for me.
I see myself as different than others here. I am not at all like
"7up" or "Bardichev", God bless them, with their "my tatty in
shamayim this" and "my tatty that". I don't mix Hebrew
and Yiddish into my sentences, nor will I write poems about my
struggles. So I saw this site as a place for flakes. Flakes who cry.
I am not a flake, and I don't cry.
But there is something very real here; I sense that now, and I want
this to work (and I need your help, you flakes!). I have been both
porn and mast**n free for almost a week now, which may be pretty
insignificant for most people, but for me is nothing short of
a miracle. I cannot fathom 90 days. I can't even imagine 30 now.
Instead, I will work on 8 days clean.
Now
(about a week later) "Rage At Machine" posted:
Today is my bar mitzvah... 13 days of continued "Rage Against the
Machine".... Last night I cried so much, and I cried out to my tatty
is shamayim "oh thank you for those 12 clean days, hold me, hug
me..." and I wrote a three page poem about my feelings....
No, man, I'm just messin'...
But I am quite happy to be alive though, and I'm pretty thankful for
this network and especially to Guard...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Quote of
the Day
Bringing G-d back into Yiddishkeit
~ Daily Dose
of Dov ~
You know, some say that the reason why Shavuos
and Shmini Atzeres/Simchas Torah don't have mitzvos like the other
holidays is because they are about everything - the whole
package deal. A specific mitzva observance would narrow it down, and
that would be antithetical to the message. It's the same with this
addiction. It's all about mis-connection and isolation. It's like
taking G-d out of yiddishkeit, but keeping the religion "looking"
just the same. I think it's tragic that yidden allow that to happen
as much as it does, and we - as addicts - are lucky to be
unable to survive that way. In a sense, my addiction caused
me to be "thrown" at Hashem.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Personal Victory of
the Day
An Opportunity for Teshuvah
By
"JD"
Today is day 25. B'H I see improvement everyday, but I still have a
long way to go. I had an amazing thing happen to me yesterday. I was
driving around near my office looking for a place to park, and a
woman in a car drove in front of me. After the first look, I
unfortunately made the mistake of a quick second look. That was a
bad mistake, and I felt bad about it right away. However, shortly
after, I was driving in the same spot, and a car was about to pass
in front of me again, and I noticed for second that it was the same
woman! It was the exact same situation! So for like half of a second
I was like, "come on, another nisayon?!", but then I
realized that Hashem is doing a chesed with me, giving me the
opportunity of doing Teshuva moments after a mistake! That's Elul;
Hashem is coming close and giving me the opportunity for Teshuva. It
was amazing, and B'H I looked away quickly this time. Chasdei Hashem!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Therapy Tip of the Day
Logo-Therapy
Posted by "Tomim"
Download the fascinating Audio-Book
In his book, Dr. Victor Frankl (a yid) tells his experiences of the
Holocaust, and how a person can find meaning in the worst possible
situations. Hearing this first hand from a Holocaust survivor,
backed up with his many studies, is a very powerful thing. This book
has inspired - and continues to inspire - millions of people,
helping them find meaning within their challenges, and rise above.
To download the audio-book, and for more information about the
book, see
this page of our website.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
For
those who find it hard to find the time to read through the
GuardYourEyes Handbooks, we will try and bring an excerpt each day.
In this way, everyone will have a chance to go through the handbooks
over time. Currently, we are bringing daily excerpts from
the GYE Handbook, which presents 18 tools to breaking free of
Lust addiction in progressive order.
Daily excerpt
from
the GYE Handbook
(Right-click the link and press "Save Link/Target As" to download
the e-Book)
Excerpt #13
Tool #2: Guard Your Eyes
Part 6
Letting Go of Lust
The world is full of temptations. If we want to hold on to lust, we
will have endless opportunities to continue lusting at every
turn. We will be fighting a losing battle by constantly trying not
to look at things that we do want to look at so badly.
Instead, the real trick to success is to learn how to let go
of the lusting all together. Instead of fighting it head-on, we need
to simply let go of it.
As someone who is working the 12-Steps once wrote:
"Today, the fight is much easier for
me. When I have urges, I admit powerlessness, acknowledge that
Hashem is the only One that can - and will - help me, and I ask
Hashem to remove the lust from me. I am frankly surprised by how
much better this works than fighting the urges head on".
Get
daily chizuk on "Guarding Our Eyes"
To receive daily chizuk on Shmiras Ainayim,
sign up to our Shmiras Ainayim Chizuk
e-mail list.
The eyes are the windows to our souls and must be guarded diligently
if we are to make real spiritual progress at all. Download a free
e-Book called
"Windows of the Soul" by the Salant foundation, for a 30-day
Chizuk program to help us learn how to guard our eyes properly.
|
580. |
Friday ~ September 11, 2009 ~ 22 Elul, 5769
In Today's Issue
-
Most Powerful Week of the Year:
The end reflects on the beginning
-
Saying of the Day:
Souls & Teshuvah
-
My Take on Elul:
This Year IS Different
-
Quote of the Day:
"Everything's from Him"
-
Testimonial of the Day:
The GYE Congregation
-
Daily Dose of Dov: Some Refreshing Perspective
-
Daily excerpts from
the GYE Handbook:
14: Making Fences, Part 1
--------------------------------------------------------------
The Most Powerful
Week of the Year
The end
reflects on the beginning
It is brought down in many Sefarim that in the last week of the year
we can fix the entire year! "Sofo
mareh al t'chilaso -
the end reflects on the beginning".
So, for example, this Shabbos we can fix all the Shabbosim of the
past year. And with this coming Sunday, we can fix all the
Sunday's of the past year, and so on. What an awesome opportunity!
So let's all make a serious effort to do a proper Teshuvah this
week!
Teshuvah? That sounds scary...
Well, what reallyis Teshuvah?
A man once came to Reb Nachman of Breslav and told him that he
doesn't hold by doing teshuvah because he knows that he'll just go
back to doing the same things again. Reb Nachman answered him that
Teshuvah is not about not doing the same sins again, but
rather it's all about bringing Hashem down into the world and into
our hearts. Every soul is a peice of Hashem and is connected to Him,
but our sins make a blockage between the light of Hashem and us.
When we say Viddui and confess our sins, it helps us remove the
heavy "shell" that our sins have caused, and this allows the light
of Hashem to flow down into the world and into us. Teshuvah is not
about beating ourselves up over our past, but rather about LIVING
for Hashem's honor in the present. The more we seek to bring
Hashem's honor and glory down to the world, the more Teshuvah we do!
Automatically, all the past sins are forgiven, and automatically,
we won't end up repeating our past mistakes.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Sayings
of the Day
Posted by "Yechidah" from a book by
Tzvi Freeman; "365 meditations of the Lubavitcher Rebbe"
#235:
"Our souls cannot be broken that they
should need repair, nor deficient that they should need anything
added. Our souls only need to be uncovered and allowed to shine".
#244:
"Do not repent. Repentance means to
stop being bad and to become good. Instead, return. Return to the
essential self and to what is rightfully yours. This is what we call
T'shuva".
"Net" commented on #244 on the forum:
I'm a lubavitcher chossid, so I know the source of this
saying. It was a Sicha in Chodesh Elul. I can try and explain
it. The Dictionary defines Repentance as follows:
1. To feel sorry, self-reproachful, or contrite for past conduct;
regret or be conscience-stricken about a past action, attitude, etc.
(often fol. by of): He repented after his thoughtless act.
2. To feel such sorrow for sin or fault as to be disposed to change
one's life for the better; be penitent.
What the Rebbe
was saying is that that's not really the correct translation of
Teshuva. "Teshuva" is from the word "Toshuv", which means returning
to who we really are; to our essence and to Hashem. A yid in essence
does not want to sin, his Yetzer Harah just tricks him into
it. Like the Rambam says, that sometimes Beis Din is allowed
to flog a man until he says "I want to". Even though this
seems forced, the truth of the matter is, that a Jew
really doesn't want to sin and really wants to do what's right.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
My Take on Elul
By "Me3"
This is my take on this Elul / Yomim Noraim, and I
think many of us here can relate:
For several years I've come before the Ribono Shel Olam before Rosh
Hashana with one kabalah.
"Ribono Shel Olam, this year I plan on being better with my Shmiras
Anayim.
Both in the street & on the computer.
No Internet surfing
No image searches
No blog searches
No inappropriate blog reading
etc...
And Ribono Shel Olam, although You and I know that I made this same
kabalah last year and I have nothing to show for it; and I am not
worthy of your mercy or of being kept alive this year; it was not
because I wanted to go against Your will, it's because of this
terrible addiction that plagues me. So, Ribono Shel Olam, please
forgive me for my aveiros of last year, and grant me another year of
life and give me the strength to do Your will this year."
This year I will be making almost the same kabalah and much of the
same statements, with one important difference.
Ribono Shel Olam, during this past year, and especially recently...
I WAS BETTER!
I MADE IMPROVEMENTS!
I FOUND GYE!
I GUARDED MY EYES!
I INSTALLED AN INTERNET FILTER!
I GAVE AWAY THE PASSWORD!
I EVEN HELPED INSPIRE OTHERS!
Now You and I know that I was far, far, far from perfect, and I
still have worlds to improve in this area, but please grant me a new
year of life and allow me to continue to
grow and improve.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Quote
of the Day
By Nat
I am B"H very
successful in everything in life, besides for in my addiction. I
feel that Hashem gave me this struggle to remind me that
everything is from Him! If not, I would forget about Hashem
completely and only focus about my success - and how I am on top of
the world. Hashem created this shame so we could want to come close
to Him and realize that He is the one running the show
completely!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Testimonial of the Day
By Noorah
This shabbos I
found a Zohar (brought down in the Ohr Hachaim Hakadosh Devorim
15:7) which says: "If one congregation or gathering will awaken
with Teshuvah, then immediately the son of David will come"
I ask you, dearest
friends - is this not referring to
the GYE forum?
Awaiting
Moshiach's imminent arrival!
- Noorah
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Daily
Dose of Dov
Seeing the
addiction through Dov's crystal clear glasses
I am not an expert
on anything, and certainly not on addiction or recovery. (I'm pretty
good with wild mushrooms, though!). I am, however, able to share my
experience, and I am gifted with the faith that I need
to share it in order to remain sober.
I became an addict because my inner life was too painful, and did
not work for me. My drug of choice was just the one that fit the
bill the best and most conveniently for me, that's all. To recover,
I need action, not cheshboinos. Cheshboinos and
meforshim never got me sober, just Honesty, Openness, and
Acceptance.
I am not teaching Torah here, just sharing myself as honestly
as I can. So, I am not focusing on right or wrong, good or bad. That
is why I don't say moral stuff, nor tell people what they should be
doing. This is also why I never participate in telling (or begging)
a member not to act out. Let the Rabbis do that. Addicts like me
(and the ones I know), really believe people will do what they feel
they need to do, and will come around and "hear"
when they feel they need to. All we do
is share, daven, and maybe - cry.
I hope this is not a cop-out, but I am convinced that anything else
will twist my brain up, grow my pride, and make me useless. And I
will soon act out too. And I am not going to act out to save you or
anybody (chayecha kodmin, right?). This is far different from
kiruv, soul-saving or chizzuk, per se, which are all certainly very
worthy endeavors, none of which I am qualified to do. When talking
with sexaholics, I am mainly concerned with sanity. My
sanity and their sanity. Sanity, so we can each get to
(or maintain) a life that we believe is right.
For me, living together with my Creator is the only
thing there really is, though I relatively rarely
actually live that way... (nu, He's not done with me yet!)
As far as recovery itself is concerned, it has nothing
to do with being an eved Hashem. In that respect, it's just
like any other terminal, progressive illness. Bladder cancer l"a, is
not a Jewish problem. In fact, I feel very sorry for addicted yidden
who feel they can only have Jewish or frum recovery mentors, only
because I have seen that they often do not get long term sobriety.
If it were still about Torah to me, I believe it is doubtful I ever
would have grasped the depth of what was going on here. I was/am
broken in the very foundations of sanity, not in my yir'as
Shomayim, at all.
99% of the successful people I have met in this arena have told the
same story that the successful Alcoholics tell:
"When I finally accepted the fact that I
didn't have what it takes and probably never would; that I was
hopelessly powerless to win this fight, I started getting better
because I really reached out for my G-d and kept using His
help from that point forward."
As your sanity grows, your latent yir'as Shomayim and
ahavas Hashem will start to show itself more than you ever
dreamed possible. The mussar and Torah that you learned - and which
was sterile in the past - will start to bear fruit! It may take some
time in sobriety for that to happen, but it is worth the wait.
For me, the only other choice was ultimately a pathetic
death. Not a bad deal, huh?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
For
those who find it hard to find the time to read through the
GuardYourEyes Handbooks, we will try and bring an excerpt each day.
In this way, everyone will have a chance to go through the handbooks
over time. Currently, we are bringing daily excerpts from
the GYE Handbook, which presents 18 tools to breaking free of
Lust addiction in progressive order.
Daily excerpt
from
the GYE Handbook
Excerpt #14
(Right-click the link and press "Save Link/Target As" to download
the e-Book)
Tool #3:
Making Fences
Part 1
The addiction is
more powerful than us, and if we try to fight it head on we
will almost always lose. Once we are standing at the edge of the
cliff, we are very vulnerable to falling off of it. Instead, we must
stay as far away from the edge of the cliff as possible. (See
Principle 15 in the "Attitude
Handbook"). Therefore, one of the most powerful tools in this
struggle is making good fences.
One great way to make "a fence" is to create a list of things that
we will do before allowing ourselves to fall. The list can be made
up of various items, such as "call mother", say a Kappitle
Tehilim, take a 10 minute walk, etc... Often, just pulling out
the list and looking at it may already be enough to dissuade us from
acting out!
|
581. |
Sunday ~ September 13, 2009 ~ 24 Elul, 5769
In Today's Issue
-
Some Tips From the Warriors:
"What works for me?"
-
Personal Victory of the Day:
Stopped Short
-
Daily Dose of Dov:
Stepping Out of the Ring
-
Saying of the Day:
By Dov
-
Daily excerpts from
the GYE Handbook:
15:
Making Fences, Part 2
--------------------------------------------------------------
Some Tips From
the Warriors of GYE
Moshe Writes:
I used to have a big problem with having bad thoughts as I was going
to sleep, which let to slip-ups many times. Recently I found
something that really helps a lot - it's a bit of Bresslov mantra
mediation. Just close your eyes and keep on repeating to yourself
the words "Ribono Shel Olam." This really helped me - I hope it can
help you too!
A.A
Writes:
It's just a few
days before Yom Hadin - to show Hashem we really mean business in
staying away from this sin, those that do not have
internet filters on their computer must simply take the jump and
get them installed right away and
give the password away to someone else. Then, when they do
Teshuvah, they are really showing they cannot go back. We must all
take the jump!
Jack Writes:
Reb Avigdor Miller says that we should repeat over and over to
ourselves that we are a holy people. At first, it sounds like
a lie, but eventually, it makes its way into our consciousness.
"On
the Road" Writes:
I want to share an eitza which occurred to me. While on the
road to 90 days, one can fall into a monotonous routine... Once this
happens, the propensity to act out increases. I just started
planning posts on
the forum. Thoughts and ideas that I want to post, or reactions
that I have to other posts but don't have time to get to everyday.
So I 'plan' what I am going to do in a week. And it gives me
something to look forward to and to focus on.
"Eye.Nonymous"
Writes:
I've been trying
to write down in my pocket calendar how many times I've looked at
women in the street each day. I'm only counting if I see someone and
keep on looking, or if I intentionally look around. I used to think
this happens nearly a hundred times in a day. Now that I'm keeping
track, I see it is much less than I thought. Yesterday I made about
4 check marks. Though I was more careful, because I was writing down
my progress, the times I was challenged was incredibly less than I
thought. So, I see two benefits of charting your progress.
1) With the 90
day chart on GYE, I had assumed that my falls with mas***n was once
every few months. After I started keeping track, I realized it was
much more often -- I NEEDED TO WORK ON THIS, AND I HAD IGNORED IT,
THINKING I WAS DOING SO WELL.
2) And now with
this personal chart to keep track of how many times I was looking at
women, I THOUGHT IT HAPPENED SO MANY TIMES THAT I THOUGHT THE BATTLE
WAS COMPLETELY HOPELESS. Now, I see it is much more manageable.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Personal Victory of the Day
Someone posted on the forum:
I didn't want to get into my work today (Sundays are always
hard to get back to work), so I surfed around. I wanted to surf
lightly, not anything too arousing because I didn't want to fall
this week. But of course, one thing led to another, and next thing I
know, I'm surfing and getting aroused. Then I went to the bathroom.
But right before the "moment", I stopped myself. I said, "I'm not
doing this a few days before Rosh HaShana!" And, I thought of the
forum and of my GYE friends.
The Y"H told me, "just finish the job, you practically did it
anyway!", but then I remembered the Chazal that Yosef actually
released a few drops (when he was tested with Potifar's wife), and
as a result, he had only had 2 tribes come from him instead of 12.
He lost 10 tribes! But had he gone "all the way", he would have lost
being a tribe completely. And by stopping himself from falling
farther, he achieved tremendous things. So, even thought I lost a
lot, I hope that I gained something by stopping myself.
I also remembered the Chazal that complete teshuva is when we are in
a situation with the same desire and we don't do it. I certainly
felt that I was on the edge of the cliff and pulled myself back.
Of course, I
should have never surfed where I shouldn't, and going to the
bathroom afterwards was also a mistake. But after saying "Yes" to
the Y"H a few times, at least I said "No" once at the end.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Daily
Dose of Dov
Dov
had written once on the forum:
"I started getting better because I
really reached out for my G-d and kept using His help, from
that point forward."
Someone asked Dov to clarify:
Please help me understand this. How do I do this??? When I am caught
in overwhelming lust, what do I do? "Hashem, help me out of this"? I
have not found that very effective. I have instead found myself
alone with the yetzer hara in a battle that I have virtually no
chance of winning. How do I get G-d to step into the ring???
Dov
Replies:
What I was told was: Instead of getting Hashem to step into
the ring, you need to learn how to step out
of the ring. And it worked.
But to step out of the ring, I cannot be going-it alone, I need to
bring other sober people into my struggle, and as often as possible
in the heat of the moment. Because if I am doing it alone, I am most
likely saying inside: "I can beat this! I have the trick now!".
There are no tricks and no easy ways out.
It doesn't seem to ever work if I am really saying to Hashem:
"Take it away G-d, so I don't have to give it up"! (as the
White-Book puts it so well).
And we cannot assume that our faith in Hashem is so real that
when we talk to Him it has the same emotional value to us as talking
to another person does. If that were so, we'd never hide from people
when acting out - would we? So we must really have a disconnect
there. Face it.
And the answer, for me, was to establish real
connections with people, and only then with my G-d.
And as I have posted before to someone
(see Chizuk e-mail #553 on
this page), this
is the way Hashem made us. We were created to establish human
relations (parents, then friends, then a spouse, then children) all
to model and develop our relationship with Hashem.
Trouble is, addicts get short-circuited somewhere, and they remain
eleven-year-olds in their own head, still fighting their parents.
Hashem becomes a ritual, to some extent. If you were G-d, you
would not want to be a ritual, would you? And the relationship with
G-d doesn't work either.
So How to do it? The
12 Steps spelled it out simply and clearly for me, and I worked
them with my sponsor and continue to work them today, with Hashem's
help. And if I can, anyone can. Trust
me. You may not know how screwed up I was, and how grandiose,
self-centered and fearful I am, by nature. ANYONE can do
this.
The trick is to stop thinking about it. Just stop. Work the
steps, in order, and with another person who already did it and for
whom it is still working. No deep meforshim and
cheshboinos need apply.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Saying of the Day
From Dov (above)
"If you were G-d,
you would not want to be a ritual, would you?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
For
those who find it hard to find the time to read through the
GuardYourEyes Handbooks, we will try and bring an excerpt each day.
In this way, everyone will have a chance to go through the handbooks
over time. Currently, we are bringing daily excerpts from
the GYE Handbook, which presents 18 tools to breaking free of
Lust addiction in progressive order.
Daily excerpt
from
the GYE Handbook
Excerpt #15
(Right-click the link and press "Save Link/Target As" to download
the e-Book)
Tool #3:
Making Fences
Part 2
Vows
In order to ensure
that our fences are strong, we can use a very powerful tool called
Nedarim or vows. Normally making vows is frowned upon by our
sages as with someone playing with fire, but when it comes to
girding oneself from sexual temptation, we find that making vows is
praised by the Torah and by Chazal. As the Pasuk says
"Nishbati va'akayeima, lishmor mishpatei
tzidkecha - I have
vowed and will uphold it, to guard your righteous laws".
And as it says "Nishba lehora velo
yamir - oseh eileh lo yimot le'olam -
He who swears to prevent bad and does
not nullify... he will never falter". And Chazal also
say that Bo'az swore to guard himself from transgressing
when Ruth came to him at night, as it says:
"Chai Hashem, Shichvi ad haboker
- In the name of G-d (a vow), lay
here until the morning".
However, as important and helpful vows can be in fighting addiction,
they are also dangerous. The addiction is very often more
powerful than vows. Therefore, it is vital that we learn
how to make vows in a way that will work and be safe.
Instead of fighting the addiction head-on through the vows, we can
make vows that will help us "walk around" the addiction. For
example, we can try to make a vow for just two weeks, at first, that
before we give in, we will first do the things that we wrote on our
list (mentioned above), or make a vow to give a generous
donation to Tzedaka in the event of a fall.
|
582. |
Monday ~ 25
Elul, 5769 ~ September 14, 2009
In Today's Issue
-
One Year Clean:
A Bochur Shares
-
Kabbalos for the New Year:
Small Steps, Red Lines
-
Daily Dose of Dov:
The Triggers are in Us
-
Quote of the Day:
Today is Precious
-
Daily excerpts from
the GYE Handbook:
16: Making Fences, Part 3
--------------------------------------------------------------
A
Bochur Describes One Year Clean
About a half a year ago an older Bochur sent me
this story
where he described how he has been clean for a half a year, working
together with other Bochurim on Shmiras Habris as a group.
His story was so inspiring that I included excerpts from it in
the GYE handbook (Tool #10). Today we received an update from
this Bochur, who is happy to share that he reached a full year
clean. Here is his e-mail to us:
Baruch atah Hashem shehechiyanu v'kiyemanu! I am in a bit of disbelief right now. What began as many
attempts to go for just forty days, and what was always an ongoing
battle for me, has turned into one complete year. I wrote to you a
few months ago in regard to some friends of mine and our small group
devoted to the ongoing struggle of shmiras habris. Over the
past few months, the members have grown tremendously in their own
avodah, and the group has grown into a larger network, growing
larger still, as members of the group discuss the importance of the
issue with friends of theirs, who in turn talk to friends of theirs.
B'ezras Hashem we will soon lose track of how far this network has
grown. It's still very hard for me to believe that all this has
taken place over the course of this past year. The stories of each
and every individual are both heart-breaking and inspiring at once.
We say "Achas sha'alti me'eis
hashem osa avakesh... shivti b'veis hashem -
I asked only one thing from Hashem.. to
sit in the house of Hashem (all the days of my life)".
I really feel that it is the sole motto and underlying desire of
this network of young men. This unmarried group who so desire to
connect to Hashem that they are willing to do all that it takes to
repeatedly tear their thoughts away from sin; and from the vise-like
grip of today's yetzer hara which threatens to engulf us all.
There are no words to describe the success, which is shared by us
all. If one falls, we all have fallen, and if one holds off just one
time, we are all that much stronger because of it. Chazal
say, "Kol machlokes leshem
shamayim sofo lehiskayem -
every argument that is for the sake of
Heaven is destined to endure". Well, if that is the
destiny for arguments, imagine what is destined for a group that is
unified in their avodas Hashem sharing one positive and
necessary goal. "Sofo lehiskayem
- it is destined to endure"
is probably as big of an understatement as it gets in regard to the
level of success to be expected, be"h.
All the members of your site are aware of the importance of the
on-going battle, and the inspiration I get from the stories on your
site shakes me to the core.
It is said that when a soul is questioned on its final day of
judgement, it will try various excuses, such as how poor or wealthy
it was, and in response, it will be shown various lives of hardship
and struggle and preoccupation; people who nevertheless ultimately
succeeded. The neshama will have no response. When we are in that
courtroom on that final day, I shudder to think of what we will
answer if we don't fight with all of our strength. The
stories on your site... Jack, who is now going strong for a full
year, after years of fall after fall, kept going strong! What will
we answer? Sure the battle is hard, but did we have it as difficult
as Yosef Hatzadik, tempted as a young man, day after day?
Perhaps in some sense we do. And perhaps if we continue with the
same on-going level of desire, hope, devotion, siyata d'shmaya
and vigor, perhaps our neshama will be able to respond with a
resounding "YES!... We did have it hard, and look how far
we went".
B'ezras Hashem we will all continue to grow to tremendous levels in
this area. "Never give up!" is the banner we carry. With
tefilla anything is possible. Baruch Hashem for GuardYourEyes
and its members. Chazak v'ematz.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Let's take an example from this
Bochur and join a group of guys on the forum who make the push to 90
days TOGETHER. See
this special board on our forum called "Accountability Groups".
(Group #3 there is shaking the Heavens with their Ahavas Yisrael and
their strengthening of each other!)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Kabalos
for the New Year
Come to
Rosh Hashana with Something Solid!
An idea by "Bardichev"
It's
before Rosh Hashana. Can we completely change our ways? That
is doubtful. But we CAN start with small steps. As
Bardichev wrote on
this thread
called "Kabalos for the New Year":
LET'S MAKE A SMALL KABBALLA, BUT A
HONEST KABBALLA
ONE
THAT WILL BE A RED LINE IN THE SAND.
ONE
THAT YOU CAN TELL HASHEM
"TATTEH
IN HIMMEL, I WILL CHANGE !!!
YOU WILL SEE NEXT YEAR
I WILL NOT HAVE TO RE-VISIT THIS ISSUE"
LET THIS BE DONE AS A TZIBBUR.
CAN
WE IMAGINE THE ZECHUS??!!!
And
"Yechidah" Posted as well:
Rav Pam zt"l used to tell people to
make kabbolos that are doable and realistic, not those
earth-shattering "let's change the whole world" stuff.
He said it's like you owe someone $10,000 and you cannot afford to
pay it back, you simply do not have it. So you send in $100 every 2
weeks, consistently, and on time. This is very appreciated by the
one who lends the money, if he is a decent person. He knows that
this guy is struggling, he cannot pay the whole thing now, so he
does his best and tries. And by giving the $100, he is telling the
rich man, "look, I respect you, I thank you. If I could, I would
give everything back now, I really would, but I can't. But you see
that I seriously plan to pay back every single penny".
The same is with Hashem. We owe him an endless amount. But we can
make a few small kabolos that we will keep. It could be small, like
the $100, not the $10,000. And Hashem sees this and appreciates it.
And he accepts this as true Teshuva. "Small steps", Rav Pam
used to say, "small steps".
Each
person can draw a red-line at the level that they're at. A few days
ago we brought in the Chizuk e-mail (#579) how Uri had made himself
a red-line of not being with anyone in real life. For his
level, that was a big step.
Another person who kept having repeated falls, made himself a red
line that no matter what, "NO porn". In other words, if he
feels that he's falling - or gonna fall, he will not use stimulation
to feed his addiction and lust. If he falls, it will only be with
his mind. That's a good first step for someone who's just starting
out. As someone responded:
That was my first step too, when I started out. And it helped
a great deal. The images start getting blurry in your mind after a
while, and you can't feed it with more..
And another person already committed on
that thread, not to watch anything on YouTube anymore.
So what
will your new
RED LINE
be this year? What will you come to Rosh Hashana with? Post
it on
the thread and inspire us all!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Daily Dose of Dov
The Triggers are in Us
Someone was complaining how difficult it is
to remain clean with lust triggers being everywhere! Dov writes:
They may seem like they are everywhere, but we all go
through times like that. Thanks for reminding me. I passed the same
pretty lady twice yesterday - first at work and later on my
way home from work, and I had to make a phone call to a recovering
addict (while I was davening for her), because the second time I
passed her, apparently something inside told me she must be destined
for me (and dinner will stay warm an extra half hour anyway while I
get another good look at her!). Oy vei.
Besides, is there lust in your toes? can
you think through or write out a short, 5 minute gratitude list for
your toes. (Maybe Uri can help you write a song about them). There
is plenty to sing about regarding our toes, clothes, food, etc., and
much gratitude that can help you get out of yourself.
Cuz, my friend, the lust triggers aren't
really out there, they are in us. We carry them and keep them.
Dov's posts are often short and sound
sometimes funny/strange. But I have found that the more I re-read
them, the more I discover in them. Let's examine this post more
carefully. Here are 6 profound things that I learned from Dov's post
today:
1. Even guys like Dov, sober for 11 years in SA, still struggle with
triggers.
2. The diseased mind of the addict seems to feel subconsciously that
anyone attractive in our vicinity is somehow "destined for us" (even
if we don't usually act out on it - B"H!).
3. The best way to deal with these goofy feelings are to get them
out into the open with safe people, by making a phone call to a
fellow addict ("Lust glows in the dark").
4. Daven for the object of your lust (after turning
away, of-course). This turns the selfish inward-desires "outwards".
5. Another great way to get "out of ourselves" is to make gratitude
lists in our head for all the wonderful things Hashem has given us
in our lives, even our toes! Who ever thought about the wonder of
our toes; how they keep us in perfect balance when we walk... And
our toes don't feel lust, do they? Look how much good we have in our
bodies that are completely unrelated to lust!
6. There are unlimited amount of things to lust for all around us.
Our only hope is to let go of the lust, because the triggers
are really inside us. As Dov wrote, we are the
ones carrying them and keeping them. If we learn to let go of the
lust, we will no longer be surrounded by "impossible" triggers.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Quote of the Day
By someone starting out
"I may have fallen now, but I know that my
struggle of the last 10 days clean was not lost. It was very hard
and it is mine to keep. I will try again, not because I think I can
get to 90 days, but because if I can make it through today it will
already have been worth it."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
For
those who find it hard to find the time to read through the
GuardYourEyes Handbooks, we will try and bring an excerpt each day.
In this way, everyone will have a chance to go through the handbooks
over time. Currently, we are bringing daily excerpts from
the GYE Handbook, which presents 18 tools to breaking free of
Lust addiction in progressive order.
Daily excerpt
from
the GYE Handbook
Excerpt #16
(Right-click the link and press "Save Link/Target As" to download
the e-Book)
Tool #3:
Making Fences
Part 3
Vows
Really Strong Fences
The farther we have fallen into this addiction, the
more desperate we will need to become to break free of its clutches.
Sometimes, extreme vows can be a wondrous tool. For example, one guy
wrote that he vowed to give $200 to tzedaka after every fall. Within
4 falls, he was free of his addiction. Another person wrote that he
kept matches next to his bed and vowed to burn his fingers before
giving in. And a third guy (in Israel) wrote that he succeeded
breaking free by vowing that every time he fell, he would have to
take a trip by bus to the Kotel and stay there for two hours. This
ultimately helped him to stop completely, because each time he felt
that he was about to give in he would remember what he would have to
do and be deterred.
However, even less extreme vows - as mentioned before, such as doing
10 minutes of exercise before giving in, or vowing that if
we fall we will go to the Mikva or take a half hour walk, can be
great deterrents and tremendously helpful over the long term (in
less severe cases of addiction).
|
583. |
Tuesday ~ 26 Elul, 5769 ~ September 15, 2009 |
|
In Today's Issue
-
Testimonial of the Day:
By "Rage at the Machine"
-
12-Step Tip of the Day:
Getting Ourselves Out of the Way
-
Inspirational Link of the Day: From Aish.com
-
Quote of the Day: By "Anon-nymous"
-
Torah Thought of the Day:
Teshuva Me'Yirah, Teshuva Me'Ahava
-
Saying of the Day: By "Nishmas"
-
Daily excerpts from
the GYE Handbook:
17: Making Fences, Part 4
-------------------------------------------------------------- |
Testimonial of the Day
By "Rage at the Machine"
17 days, I'm still alive and I'm feeling
better about it all the time.
I am starting to believe I can do this... Not in
a cocky "I've got this all figured out in 17
days" kinda way, because I really don't, but
I feel like yesterday I may have had my toughest
test yet and I passed, and it wasn't
impossible... I know and recognize that I am a
long ways away still and I am considering to
call in on
Boruch's Thursday night call and keep
pushing...
I was contemplating something Dov said yesterday
(that Guard quoted in yesterday's Chizuk
e-mail); that an addict always thinks that the
woman passing by / girl in the coffee shop,
etc... is interested... somehow "destined" for
him... and she never is... I've been telling
myself that over and over again... I can't
really explain why, but just keeping that in
mind helps me stay focused... My real problem is
p. and m., so you would think Dov's message
would ring hollow for me, but it doesn't... So
thank you Dov...
One more thing that is helping too: That song
Guard posted for Uri's Party:
"Anachnu Nitgaber"... I use
that as a mantra when I need it, it's great, so
thank you Guard. |
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
12-Step Tip of the Day
Getting Ourselves Out of the Way
Daily Dose of Dov
Not only can't I cure myself from my
sickness, but as the Kotzker might say,
perhaps neither can G-d Himself, necessarily,
for He only comes in where people "let" Him in.
The 12 Steps are about letting G-d in, by
learning how to get ourselves out
of the way. This is not always simple for people
who engaged for years in self-gratification.
Especially since even our religious experiences
are all revolving around our
Teshuva, our sins, our
mitzvos, our kavanah,
our blah, blah, blah... you know
what I mean? |
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Inspirational Link of the Day
Been working on yourself for years and still
feel like you're at square #1?
Watch this inspirational clip from
Aish.com
The Chinese Bamboo |
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Quote of the Day
By "Anon-nymous"
My primary resolution for this year is that
I WILL NEVER get down on myself and use that as
an excuse to follow the Yetzer Hara. Next time I
am seized by lust, I will head out right away to
the GYE forum. |
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Torah Thought of the Day
Teshuva Mi'yirah and Teshuva Mi'ahava
By "Battleworn"
Teshuva mi'yirah is basically when one
realizes that the sin that he did is not without
consequence and he therefore regrets having done
it and wants to erase it. In a sense though, he
is still living in the self centered fantasy
world where his focus is still on himself
and he's worried about his future.
Teshuva mi'ahava is when a person wants to drop
the whole fantasy world and return all the way
to Hashem. He realizes that the fantasy world of
"self" has nothing for him and Hashem has
everything for him. His aim is not to erase the
sins per-se, rather it's to turn his life around
and really return to Hashem. He has come
to understand what Hashem told us: "Choose
Life!" Hashem is the source of all life, all
existence, all happiness and all good. And
pushing Hashem out of our life is the source of
all trouble and all problems.
In theory, both paths are acceptable. But the
good news is that Hashem loves us to much to let
us continue wasting our life in the fantasy
world. He wants the best for us, and since He's
the Boss, we don't have a say in the matter. And
so He put us in a situation where the Teshuva
Miyirah approach simply can't work for us
addicts here on GYE. Here are some reasons it
can't work:
1) The Zohar says (Shemos 214-b) that the only
Teshuva that works for p'gam habris is "Teshuvah
that is worthy of covering over all his deeds".
R' Tzadok (Tzidkas Hatzadik #243) explains that
this means Teshuva mi'ahava, which is a complete
return to Hashem. Teshuva mi'yirah erases the
sins - and these sins are not erasable. But
Teshuva mi'ahava doesn't erase the sins, rather
it is misaken them (fixes them) and turns
them in to merits.
2) An addict (even a relatively mild case) is
much too entrenched in his behavior to stop the
behavior without a major change in his whole
life.
3) In our generation, yir'ah doesn't talk to
most people very much. Even if it does talk to
you, chances are that it can't affect your
behavior that much. In fact, it can very often
have the opposite effect, making us all the more
desperate for distraction.
Teshuva mi'ahava, on the other hand, works for
all people, in all situations. As soon as you
start to taste what it means to live your
life with Hashem, you would never dream of
going back to being the person that you were
before; a person who lived a life of
never-ending pain.
In the tochacha of parshas Bechukosai -
which Chazal say is referring to churban bayis
rishon, we don't find anything about Teshuva
mi'ahava. Rather the pesukim talk about how the
sins will get erased through the suffering. But
by the Tochacha in parshas Ki Sovoh - which is
referring to this golus, we find
nothing about atoning for sins, rather it talks
about how after we suffer the curses of being
far from Hashem, we will return to Hashem with
all our hearts, and Hashem will have mercy on us
and gather us in from around the world, and He
will circumcise our hearts to love Him with all
our heart and soul - so that we may LIVE.
This is not about making peace with Hashem,
rather it's about "I shall go and return to
my first love". We finally realize that
there is no other way and we turn our whole life
around.
The Zohar says: "If people would know the
love that Hashem has for the yidden, they would
roar like lions to run after Him".
Hashem is - Kaviyochol - crazy over us,
and He is waiting for us with open arms. We have
nothing to fear, as Yehoshua said: "Hashem is
with us, do not fear them" shortly after the
chet ha'egel - the mother of all sins.
Hashem just wants our hearts, as it says:
"Give your heart to me, my son". And when we
give it to Him, life becomes SO SO much better!
On Rosh Hashanah, we are going to stand in front
of Hashem in judgment. Instead of trying to
bargain with Him, let's tell Him: "Yes
Hashem, all I want is You, there is nothing
else. Please help me get close to You, and
please give me a year of Kirvas Elokim".
That is Teshuva Me'Ahava. |
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Saying of the Day
Posted by "Nishmas"
"If G-d had a refrigerator, your picture would be on it. If
He had a wallet, your photo would be in it. He
sends you flowers every spring. He sends you a
sunrise every morning. Whenever you want to
talk, He listens. He can live anywhere in the
universe, but He chose...... your heart. Face
it, Friend, He is crazy about you!" |
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
For those who find it hard to find the
time to read through the GuardYourEyes
Handbooks, we will try and bring an excerpt each
day. In this way, everyone will have a chance to
go through the handbooks over time. Currently,
we are bringing daily excerpts from
the GYE Handbook, which presents 18 tools to
breaking free of Lust addiction in progressive
order.
Daily excerpt from
the GYE Handbook
Excerpt #17
(Right-click the link and press "Save
Link/Target As" to download the e-Book)
Tool #3: Making Fences
Part 4
Vows
Taking Great Caution
Any and all vows we make should be made very
carefully and only for short periods of time. As
we learn which vows are the most helpful for us
in fighting our addiction, we can make the vows
for progressively longer periods of time. It is
important to write up a list of the vows for our
records, and also to enable us to review them
carefully before making them each time. In
addition, having a list of the vows will help us
refine them as we discover the ones that worked
for better or for worse, and we can then use
this refined list to make the vows again for
progressively longer periods of time. It is
important to renew our vows before
they expire, because once they expire, we often
get lazy about renewing them and become
vulnerable to falling once again.
Please see
this page and
this page for more information on how to
make vows in the safest and most effective ways. |
|
|
584. |
Wednesday ~ 27 Elul, 5769 ~ September 16,
2009 |
|
In Today's Issue
-
Personal Victory of the Day:
The Edge of the Cliff
-
12-Step Tip of the Day:
The First Drink
-
Inspirational Link of the Day: Sky Diving
-
Quote of the Day: Don't Walk, Jump!
-
Tip of the Day:
Don't fall on a whim!
-
Testimonial of the Day: "We have a plan!"
-
Daily excerpts from
the GYE Handbook:
Excerpt 18: Tool #3, Part 5
-------------------------------------------------------------- |
Personal Victory of
the Day
The Edge of the Cliff
Someone posted on the forum today:
I just pulled myself back from the edge of
the cliff again, for the second time this week.
I usually fall on Sundays. However, in honor of
R"H, I didn't fall Sunday.
I didn't fall Monday.
I didn't fall Tuesday.
But I've been unable to stop myself from surfing
on the internet, not p*rn, but photos that stir
the coals.
I say to myself, "only for today, don't
fall!". But, as you all know, it's very,
very hard.
I tell myself, "this time I'll make it
through, for the sake of R"H and the aseret
yamei teshuva".
I don't know how many days it is since I last
fell, because I stopped keeping track (it put
too much pressure on me), but I estimate about
15 days.
I want so badly to last and stay clean at least
until Y"K.
Can I do it?
I don't know.
Writing it out helps, but chizuk from my friends
will help more.
I have to add, this is so crazy. When I was on
the edge of the cliff, literally looking down
and about to jump off (figuratively of course),
I heard Guard's voice (not his real voice which
is a secret, but a G-d like voice, kind of like
in the movie the 10 commandments but without the
echo, quoting Guard) telling me:
"Say to yourself that you will not do it
no matter what! Your tuches won't fall
off!"
I felt like a lunatic, I was having a
conversation back and forth in my mind.
"Just do it, you'll feel better",
"No! I will feel so badly afterward and get
depressed. It's almost R"H."
and back and forth...
until I just said "No", and walked
away from the cliff.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
We answered:
Yes, I admit. That voice was me. I have
secret ways of communicating with people I
really love :-)
(One second, did you say there was no
echo? Well, then it must have been someone else
'cuz mine goes with an echo).
Look Tzadik, you did great, but the thing with
us addicts is, that once we take that "first
drink" the game is basically over. So how about
this? Let's take it one step at a time. Can you
make yourself a red line for one month not to
browse anything inappropriate on the web?
I mean, how you do manage to stop
yourself sometimes at the edge of the cliff is
beyond amazing. But that's NOT the way to go; it
won't - and can't last for the long
term.
The only way to really succeed is not to take
that first drink. In your honor, I will
quote in today's Chizuk e-mail something that
Dov wrote recently which can bring out this idea
much better than I can
(see directly below, for today's "Dose of
Dov").
If you stay far from the edge of the cliff and a
hole opens up in the ground underneath you and
you suddenly fall, well - at least you didn't
bring it about by walking at the edge.
So can you make a commitment now before Rosh
hashana, for one month, that you won't browse
inappropriate stuff? For the sake of all of us
here, your brothers and sisters on GYE...
(We'll throw a party for you if you do!)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
He Replied:
It will be hard for me to do, since that's
my drug when I'm feeling irritable, but I know
it's not good for me. Of course you're right
that walking at the edge of the cliff is an
impossible situation.
It's time for me to grow up, and there is no
better time than 3 days before R"H.
So bli neder, I take upon myself not to browse
to inappropriate sites on the web for one month.
I think that with the support of my GYE friends
I can do it.
May HaShem help me.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
We Announced:
PARTY TIME EVERYONE!!
I uploaded a most beautiful song in honor
of your commitment
Download it here
The Pesuk,
"Gol Al Hashem Darkecha, Bitach Alav Ve'hu Yaa'seh -
Throw your ways onto Hashem; trust in Him and He
will do",
this is truly the 3rd step of the 12-Steps.
"Let Go and Let G-d" in the holy words of
David Hamelech.
Hashem will do it for you; He is already
doing it. Just watch the miracle unfold!
P.S. It takes a few times to truly appreciate
the beauty of this song... Play it again and
again. I must have listened to this song 50
times! I sing along with it now, with tears in
my eyes. Listen to it when you feel weak. Truly
let the words enter your heart!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Everyone reading this Chizuk e-mail is invited
to the party!! Post your encouragement and
Chizuk to this holy Jew on his thread
over here. |
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
12-Step Tip of the Day
The First Drink
Daily Dose of Dov
Someone wrote:
When it gets impossibly hard, all it takes is
for me to drop my guard for one stupid second,
and I'm a gonner. That's what I really need help
with.
Dov replies:
I understand the "dropping guard for a
second" business, but how do you tolerate
living in an "impossibly hard" situation to
begin with?
Maybe I'm missing something here, but it really,
really is not the last drink
that gets us in trouble, it's the first one.
Maybe you know this, but - for me - putting it
into action means one thing: pain. It just plain
hurts to walk the other way and not take the
"drink" after noticing something tantalizing,
for example. For me, it feels like mourning a
real loss, crazy as it may be - to mourn over
poison.
But like I always need to remember, surrender
and freedom from temptation ultimately
has nothing whatever to do with goodness,
intelligence, Torah, G-d's Will, my potential,
my neshoma, or how I should be / could be,
etc. Yes, being truly aware of these things may
prove useful tools, but for me - and the addicts
I know, they remain "half-measures" in the end.
It eventually comes down to acceptance
of my inability to successfully use lust,
and learning to live honestly with the
implications. This grows out of the 1st step
(which is; "admitting powerlessness").
I do not believe that anyone who is not
an addict can ever understand that pain without
judging it or trying to analyze it (which is
just as useless for me!). It's like becoming an
expert about all aspects of driving, but without
ever getting into a car. Useless, really.
Oops, I got off point again - the question was,
"how do things get bad first?" I have almost no
will-power, nor any real strength, and I am more
powerless today over lust than I ever was! I
just can't afford for the fantasies to start,
nor to take that "second look", even though I
may wish I could, much of the time.
(Admittedly though, my early surrender mechanism
took a while to engage)...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Let's learn from Dov (who is sober for 11.5
years in SA) and get our "surrender mechanism"
engaged NOW. In other words, we need to
truly admit that we are powerless over lust and
that we simply cannot afford for lust to
start! |
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Inspirational Link of the Day
Feel like you're falling fast and hard?
Watch this cute animation from
Chabad.org
SKY DIVING
Presented in honor of Uri's ROLLER-COASTER RIDE
last week.
To quote Uri's post (#814 on
this page):
"I just can't handle this roller coaster life. I
don't want to do it anymore"...
Uri, why do people go on roller coasters? Aren't
they afraid of dying? The answer is that they
are not, because they trust the maker of the
roller coaster. Uri, you are right. Life is a
roller coaster. And you're on a sheer drop now,
nothing you can do about that. The decision that
lays in your hands right now is: "Will you trust
the One who designed and runs the roller
coaster?" If you do, you can scream your head
off - but you'll still come off the ride with a
SMILE! |
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Quote of the Day
Posted by "Yechida"
From the wisdom of the Lubavitcher Rebbe;
Words and condensation by Tzvi Freeman.
There are two ways to ascend: You can step
upward, leaving one foot in its place as the
other moves ahead. Or you can crouch down and
jump.
This is the true meaning of failure: It is the
way we have of tearing ourselves out of our past
so we can leap into the future.
When a person is always successful, he only
moves forward step by step. Which really means
that he remains always within the same dimension
of reality as before.
When he fails, however, he is then able to look
back and say, "This is not where I should be!"
Then he tears himself out of his pattern and
leaps into a whole new dimension of life.
Anyone who has worked with an addict in recovery
has seen this in very practical terms. |
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Tip of the Day
Don't fall on a whim!
By "Kedusha"
Don't fall on a whim. I'll say it again:
Don't fall on a whim. Falling is too painful
to do just like that. If a person c"v feels like
he must fall, he should at least think it
through. Write down 10 reasons you don't want to
fall. Then write down 10 reasons you do want to
fall (if you can come up with that many). Then,
take the matter "under advisement", and
don't issue a decision before tomorrow.
Someone posted in response on the Forum:
Thank you kedusha. I just wanted you to know
that your post helped me today. It made me push
it off and think it through a bit. Thank you! |
Testimonial of the Day
"Battleworn" posted on
the forum last year
Chevra, this is something new and amazing, we're
coming to Rosh Hashana with a plan. That's the
most important part of Teshuva. And we also have
each other. This is great and it's all thanks to
guardureyes, he should be blessed with all the
berochos there could possibly be. And so should
the rest of you. I want to suggest that we all
agree to daven for each other. It dosen't matter
that we don't know the names, Hashem knows. And
anyway, what better names to use than these
(pseudo-names), that are used for teshuva and
for "zikuy harabim"? |
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
For those who find it hard to find the
time to read through the GuardYourEyes
Handbooks, we will try and bring an excerpt each
day. In this way, everyone will have a chance to
go through the handbooks over time. Currently,
we are bringing daily excerpts from
the GYE Handbook, which presents 18 tools to
breaking free of Lust addiction in progressive
order.
Daily excerpt from
the GYE Handbook
Excerpt #18
(Right-click the link and press "Save
Link/Target As" to download the e-Book)
Tool #3: Making Fences
Part 5
Bein Hazmanim
Vacations and Bein Hazmanim
are a good example of situations that can be
bigger tests for us, since there is more free
time available and less structure. Such
situations may require a more detailed set of
fences and safeguards than usual. We can try to
draw up a "Battle Plan" in advance, to plan for
some structure in our days - as much as
possible. We can set specific times for
particular activities, such as learning with a
chavrusah or other things that can keep
us busy. We can even draw up emergency plans of
various activities that we can do, for times
when we might start feeling bored or vulnerable,
(such as "read a book" or "ride my bicycle",
etc...)
We can also draft a special "Bein Hazmanim"
list of fences in advance, to help us avoid
having to fight the Yetzer Hara head-on.
Some of the fences could include:
-
Setting up a filter on our
home computers
-
Not using the computer when
alone in the room (or at least if no
one is home)
-
Setting ourselves time-limits
on the computer (at least for non-work
related activity)
-
Making a list of websites
that we are allowed to visit - and not
visiting any other sites (at least when
alone)
-
Avoiding certain triggering
places that we used to "hang out" at
The secret to success in this area is learning where
we are vulnerable and preparing fences in
advance. We all need to learn our Yetzer Hara
well, as it says in Mishlei (12:10):
"Yode'ah Tzadik
nefesh be'hemto -
The
Tzadik knows the nature of his animal".
|
|
|
585. |
Thursday ~ 28 Elul, 5769 ~ September 17,
2009 |
|
In Today's Issue
-
Pronounce Hashem as King:
Help others do Teshuvah!
-
Torah Thought of the Day:
"Who Am I?"
-
Inspirational Link of the Day: "Big Trouble Meets Small Shofar"
-
Quotes of the Day: Two powerful Posts from Uri
-------------------------------------------------------------- |
Earn Yourself
Immeasurable Merit for the Yomim Nora'im
Now's YOUR chance to bring Hashem down to the
world!
Please Help GuardYourEyes continue helping
Yidden do Teshuva.
Someone recently sent out the following
e-mail to his contacts:
Dear all,
This is a topic of a truly sensitive nature
which is rarely talked about - strictly men
only. Open the attachment to this e-mail and
you'll see why.
I don't normally forward chain e-mails, but
after receiving this one and reading the
attachment, I felt it right that this time I do.
Please read, donate and most importantly... pass
it on. Because of anonymity, it is run single
handedly - nobody knows of his cause.
Wishing you a ketivah v'chatima tovah.
- Please see the attachment "Guard
Your Eyes Appeal"
After sending out the e-mail to his contacts, he
wrote to us:
"I sent out this e-mail to about 70 people, most
- if not all of them, frum, married, working
people. B'ezrath Hashem, you should raise many
thousands of dollars and may your website and
all it does - go from strength to strength in
keeping all Jewish men out of trouble".
Please everyone, we need your help!
We can't do this without you. Not enough funding
is coming through, and it's becoming difficult
to keep going at the current pace. Please
donate if you can, but even more
importantly - PLEASE COPY THE FORMAT ABOVE
AND PASS THIS E-MAIL ON, WHETHER YOU DONATE OR
NOT. (The above format makes it look like the
e-mail came from someone else - and you're just
passing it on).
Download the attachment here by
right-clicking and pressing "Save Target/Link
As". Then, simply attach the PDF file to
the e-mail you send out.
Together we can change the world!
GuardYourEyes is growing and expanding its
activities every day. We are working with a
programming team now to design a whole new
profile page where users will be able
to sign up for accountability partners and
sponsors, as well as join the 90 day chart. We
are working on chat-rooms (separate for men and
women)
click here for an example (it's still
a work-in-progress) where people will be able to
chat in real-time for Chizuk,
RSS feeds, and so many more features to make
our network more useful and user friendly for
everyone. We hope one day to have a world-wide
network of hotlines where people can call in for
Chizuk 24 hours a day - with real professionals
on the line, and we dream of publishing books,
pamphlets and doing so much more!
PLEASE HELP US MAKE ALL THIS A REALITY!
Rosh Hashana is about proclaiming Hashem as King
in the world. Sins in these areas distance
Hashem from the world like no other sins do. By
helping us help other Yidden in these areas, we
are drawing Hashem back down to this world and
proclaiming Him as our King.
May you all have a Ksiva Vachasima Tova,
and may this year be a year of physical and
spiritual health, sobriety and growth for
everyone! |
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Torah Thought of the Day
WHO AM I?
By "Battleworn"
Rosh Hashanah is almost here and I think
it's time for each of us to address a very basic
question: "Who am I?" Sometimes
you feel like a good person. Perhaps more often,
you feel like a bad person. Sometimes you feel
successful; probably more often, you feel
unsuccessful. So who are you really?
R' Tzadok Hacohen in Tzidkas Hatzadik (111) says
the following:
"In the last period before Moshiach comes, the
main avoda/tikun is ONLY to take the good out
FROM the bad. And only in the place (situation)
of the Yetzer Hara and the powerful rise of sin
will Hashem redeem us, specifically through
Teshuva (as opposed to not sinning in the first
place). As it says, "Moshiach will come in a
generation that's all guilty".
AND A PERSON LIKE THAT (that by nature is pulled
to sin and has to pull himself out by Teshuva)
IS FROM "THE ELEMENT OF MOSHIACH", meaning that
his soul belongs to a special group that have
the power to facilitate the Geulah. As we find,
that Dovid Hamelech (who was the root of
Moshiach) was the one to raise up the
banner/power of Teshuva.
As it is known, that the head of the neshomoh of
klal Yisroel (which is made up of all the
individual neshomos) is very high, but it's feet
go down to the lowest of the low. And before
Moshiach, the souls are from the feet - where
there is a great force of evil and Yetzer Hara.
AND THEREFORE, ONLY A GENERATION OF SOULS LIKE
THAT WILL MERIT MOSHIACH, AS CHAZAL SAY ON THE
PASUK: "AND HASHEM SAW THAT IT WAS VERY GOOD";
"VERY GOOD" REFERS TO THE YETZER HARA.
Also Moshiach himself comes from such a source.
As it is known from the "Midrash Hane'elam" in
Parshas Vayera about the daughters of Lot - and
Lot himself, that they are the ROOT OF THE POWER
OF THE YETZER HARA, AND OUT FROM THERE GREW THE
TREE/FAMILY OF MOSHIACH.
THIS IS BECAUSE, THAT IS PRECISELY THE EPITOME
OF THE COMPLETE PERFECTION THAT WILL BE WHEN
MOSHIACH COMES; THAT THE VERY ROOT OF BAD WILL
BE TURNED INTO GOOD. AND THAT IS THE MEANING OF
"THE SLAUGHTERING OF THE YETZER HARA" THAT IS
MENTIONED IN GEMOROH IN SUKAH"
R' Tzadok is telling us that it's our job
to bring Moshiach and no Tzadik could ever do
the job. Hashem entrusted us with this
mission. He believes in us! In fact, the
Chidushei Ha'rim says that in order to be
able to go so low and come out of it, you have
to be from a very high source. This shouldn't be
surprising to anyone around here on
the forum. Just look at the powerful
retzonos and yearning of the holy holy
people here.
We asked "who am I?". WELL, THIS RATZON
IS YOU! THAT'S WHO YOU ARE! Yes, it's
true that you have some very low weaknesses. But
that's part of the great shlichus that
Hashem gave you; the shlichus to bring
Moshiach.
DO YOU REALIZE WHO YOU ARE? YOU ARE THE SHLI'ACH
OF HASHEM TO BRING MOSHIACH!
You are one of the very few neshomos that
are able to survive - and even fight back - amid
such overwhelming tumah! That's who you are!
You are bringing Hashem down into places where
Tzadikim of previous generations could never
have brought Him down. AND THAT IS THE TRUE
MEANING OF DECLARING HASHEM KING IN THE WORLD! |
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Inspirational Link of the Day
No matter how bad you think you've been, your
precious Neshama is never harmed.
BIG TROUBLE MEETS SMALL SHOFAR |
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Quotes of the Day
From Uri
We all love reading Uri's posts on the
forum. Not only do they make a great read, but
they are written passionately and from the
heart. Somehow, Uri's posts talk to
everyone's Neshamos. I think it is
appropriate to bring two of his beautiful posts
now before Rosh Hashana, as they show the power
of Teshuva and of the Jewish soul, and of
Hashem's great love for us.
As many of us know, Uri had a very
difficult week last week. It could only be
called "Hitting Rock Bottom". But somehow, it
seems that when things just can't get any worse
and we think we're gonna die, new life sprouts
forth. As the Pasuk says -
"Zos Hatorah, Adam ki Yamus Ba'Ohel -
This is the Torah, a man who dies in the tent". And - lehavdil - the White-Book of
SA says: "We must die to ourselves before
we can begin to live".
Here are two recent posts from Uri:
I've spent the last two nights drifting in
and out of consciousness with high fever.
I had quite crazy dreams, images flying by in my
mind, one after another...
Somehow I found myself in the old city...
A friend was standing next to me saying:
"Just daven with your heart, man"
And I opened the siddur and started crying.
What followed next is pretty hard to describe,
but I will to attempt to, regardless...
As I stood there crying, lost in the words of
the first few brachos of the Amidah, all
of a sudden I felt a wave of the most beautiful
pleasure pass over me.
It was as beautiful a pleasure as any person
could possibly imagine.
And I continued davening.....
And the feeling stayed just as strong (maybe
even getting stronger).
And I woke up.
At that moment it was so clear what is happening
to me...
I am stripping myself completely.
I am shedding all the layers of "false
protection",
all the coats of filth and fantasy,
and the all too powerful blanket of lust that I
hid under all these years.
Now I am empty.
And I cry.
And only now, precisely now, can G-d fill
every part of me.
Last night He gave me a taste of what a
relationship with Him can be.
And I davened today for the first time in a
week.
And I said half of tehillim.
And I spoke to Hashem every time I woke up last
night (after I had that dream), feverish and
chilly, just to smile at Him and say "Thank you"
And I'm gonna start sleeping with a Tehillim
clutched to my heart, (I did today during my nap
already).
I'm starting to see the pieces of the puzzle
fitting together.
Sometimes one has to become empty to
experience true fullness.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I had an insight yesterday when davening
Mincha that I'd like to share:
I was having trouble concentrating (the story of
my life)
But I didn't beat myself up as I usually do.
My relationship with Hashem is changing
It is now so very clear to me that He doesn't
love me for who I'll be in 10 years, 5 years, or
even in a month.
What kind of love would that be?
He loves me for who I am now.
Me, with all my chesronos; lust addict,
rebellious, lazy, etc... (I could go on all
day).
He doesn't expect me to daven all of shmone
esrei with crazy kavanah!!!!
'cuz I'm not there yet!!!!!
That would be someone else's tefilla!
And He wants mine!
Mine - with my "space in - space out - space
in - space out"....
Mine - with my eyes drifting every once in a bit
while I run to catch them...
Me - with my laziness...
etc...
If I was perfect....
I wouldn't be me
And He wants me!!!!
Do you guys hear what I'm saying??!!!!!
This idea is earth-shattering!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
On Rosh Hashana we don't tell Hashem, "ok,
this year I'm gonna be perfect".
He doesn't need to hear that!!!!
He wants us to say, "ok Hashem, this is where
I'm holding. And since I love You so so very
much, I am gonna do my best with what I've got
to give You".
How simple and beautiful is this idea?!
Hashem! I love you so much!!!!! |
|
|
586. |
Friday ~ Erev Rosh Hashana ~ 29 Elul, 5769 ~
September 18, 2009 |
|
In Today's Issue
-
Personal Victory of the Day:
REALLY Wanting
-
Torah Thought of the Day:
The Harder the More Growth
-
Quote of the Day: Miracles Do Happen
-
Some Rosh Hashana Torah #1: Malchiyus: Kavod Shamayim
-
Some Rosh Hashana Torah #2: Making Hashem King over Our Will
-
Repeat of Appeal: Get in your last minute merits of
5769!
-------------------------------------------------------------- |
UPDATE:
Since yesterday's pre-Rosh Hashana appeal
which was sent out to nearly 1000 e-mail
subscribers in both daily Chizuk lists (see
bottom of e-mail for a repeat), we received only
6 donations. We also received no long-term
monthly commitments and no indication that
anyone sent out the letter (and attachment) to
their e-mail contacts.
Rabbosai, we do understand that
the financial situation today is difficult, but
the least we can do is to send out
the attachment to our e-mail contacts! The
format we demonstrated (below) makes it look
like it's a "chain e-mail" that you are simply
passing on, so there's no reason to fear that
anyone will guess you struggle in these areas.
Please help us continue spreading Kavod Shamayim
in the world! |
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Personal Victory of the Day
Do you Really Want or Just WANT to
Want?
A Inspiring post by "Momo"
(written to me, Guard)
I remember a while back, I posted about my
struggles and how I wanted to change, and you
asked me if I really wanted to change.
That rubbed me the wrong way a bit, because I
felt you were minimizing my efforts. But now,
being honest, I see that I still wanted to hold
on to the lust as a "back-up plan" for when
things got really rough. So you were right, and
although I was trying hard, I was also
fooling myself at the same time. I wanted
to want, but I didn't fully want. I
wasn't ready for that kind of commitment. Now
though, I feel that I really, really want it,
and I'm willing to give up the lusting 100%.
One of the things that impacted me and helped me
reach this decision is something you quoted in a
chizuk email. You had a special chizuk email
when "7Up" reached 90 days (#572 on
this page) and you quoted from
her the following:
"NOTHING is more important to me than Ratzon
Hashem. Daily, I daven with all my heart that I
should be a source of a kiddush Hashem and for
the chance to grow closer. I would do ANYTHING
to reach this goal. Even giving up all physical
pleasure on every level forever, would be a
small sacrifice towards that goal".
It seemed from the chizuk email that this was
the turning point in 7Up's recovery, and this
attitude is what enabled her to reach 90 days.
You have to be VERY committed to write that. It
hit me like a ton of bricks because it didn't
come from a 20 year old, but from a grown woman.
I then understood that one has to have that
level of commitment before really succeeding. |
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Torah Thought of
the Day
Where its Hardest is Where we Grow the Most
Nishmas writes to "Battleworn"
I just read through what you wrote from the
Tzidkas Hatzadik (111) in the daily Chizuk Email
(yesterday). Thank you so much! This is
really good stuff and is really mechazek
me. Whenever I see something from Reb Tzadok
Hakohen, my eyes and ears perk up. I once heard
the following as well:
"Reb Tzadok HaCohen (i.e. Tzidkas Hatzadik)
writes that if a person sees that he is having
an especially difficult time in controlling a
certain trait or refraining from a certain kind
of action, he should not view this as a sign of
weakness on his part. Rather, he should view it
as an indication from Heaven that it is
precisely in this area that he has the greatest
potential for growth. The difficulties he is
experiencing are a means for him to apply
greater effort in overcoming the challenge, and
developing that trait in which he, in fact, has
the greatest potential to grow."
Yakov Shwartz Replies:
Yes, this can be found in #49 and #181.
This yesod changed my life. I live by this
yesod. In fact, to date, I consider
shmiras eiynayim to be my biggest
accomplishment. I went from a terrible p**n and
MB addict, to aversions to any sort of unhealthy
sight. I try with all my might to not even get a
first "drink" of anything un-tzeniyus. I
am careful with the way I walk (head down). And
I can tell you that this did not come naturally.
I used to be a hardcore addict with no shame.
But when you learn not to settle for "nebach,
that's who I am" and realize that
davka in this area you
can rise to the top, then davka in
this area you do rise to the top!
I daven everyday for Hashem to protect me from
pritzus. The trick is to take one step at a time
and always know that there is yet another step
ahead for you to climb. |
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Quote of the Day
"Haba Litaher Misayin Lo" - Miracles Do Happen
From "Rage At the Machine"
RATM found us about 3 weeks ago and wrote
as follows:
I was googling "p*rn" when this site came up. I
was not looking for anything like this. I first
browsed this site with a mix of curiosity and
contempt. Like many here, I have been battling
(and often not battling at all) for over 15
years. I tried all sorts of ways out and nothing
worked. At first browse, I was pretty convinced
that this site will not work - certainly not for
me. But after browsing the forum a bit, I saw
that there is something very real here. I want
this to work...
Anyway, RATM is now almost 3 weeks clean - for
the first time in 15 years. Yesterday though, he
was about to give up when Hashem popped in to
say "hello". Let's hear what he writes:
Pretty crazy, I tell ya. Pretty gosh darn tootin
crazy... Last night, I came back from work late,
and for the first time since I started this
journey, my body felt the way people describe
withdrawal... nervous, tense, tingly... I
finally felt it physically affect me and I
started to think that maybe this 90 days aint
really gonna happen after all... I went to the
fridge and had a tall boy but it didn't help...
I needed some physical activity, and the ground
outside was wet so I couldn't go skating... I
thought of hitting my building's gym but decided
to be productive instead, so, since I'm moving
apartments in a few weeks, I thought I'll pack
all my sefarim into boxes... And as I'm doing
this I'm thinking, "oh well, 18 days wasn't
so bad, I didn't think I'll even get 8 days, or
even 8 hours!".
Suddenly I hit a book called
"Starting Over" by Sima D. Schloss from
Judaica press... The book was about taking the
12 Steps of AA and applying it through the
Torah... "What the H*, man? First of all, how
on earth did that book end up in my library?"
I began going through the book and let's just
say I'm happy to be up to day 19 again... It was
a step by step guide on how to control bad
habits using the 12 steps in a Torah way... It
even had an endorsement from
Rabbi Twersky!.. I dunno if I'll join a live
12 Step meeting, but I think I'm closer now to
understanding what this all about. I am going to
try to go through the entire book and figure out
all 12 steps...
Everything has an explanation, but to me, a
miracle does not cease being one just because it
can be explained... If a giant tsunami hit the
sea of reeds and split it when the Jews were
leaving Egypt, it does not negate that a miracle
happened. The miracle was that the Jews, with
the Egyptians riding their tails, needed a giant
tsunami to hit at that exact moment!
This morning I remembered buying that book for
my wife three years ago when we had a fight. (I
had thought she was too controlling so I went
out and got it). So that's how it ended
up in my library... but that it ended up in my
hands last night... that was a miracle....
And ya know, it's a little startling to see G-d
jump me like that and say, "hellooo, here I
am, you moron". Quite frankly, I'm surprised
he still even gave a darn... So, thank you, G-d.
Truth be told, and this is the honest
truth: G-d stepped in - in a major way to give
me day 19, but it's all of y'alls (with G-d's
help, of course) that gave me day 1-18... So
thanks all of y'alls, too! I know it's still way
early, but I'm still grateful for even this
little accomplishment. |
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
MALCHIYUS: Kavod Shamayim
By "Yakov Shwartz"
The main avodah of Rosh Hashana is
Kabalas Ol Malchus Shamayim -
Accepting the yoke of Heaven. This is why Malchiyus is recite in
Kedushas Hayom. The sanctity of the day
is Malchiyus, and this is our main
avodah.
And the heavenly judgement is based on this as
well. On Rosh Hashana, Hashem hands out "roles"
for the coming year. Our "roles" are mainly
based on how much we believe in - and desire
- kavod shamayim (the honor of Heaven).
And that is why the focus of the tefillos are
for this.
For those that struggle with the Yetzer Hara
(who doesn't?), let's try to take our attention
away from our difficulties
for now, and instead turn our attention to our
inner desire to do the will of Hashem.
On R"H we blow a bent shofar, because it is a
day when we "hide" our sins. The reason is,
because our sins are not who we are. The
Yid at his core is his will, and he wants to do
the will of Hashem. On R"H, we focus on our
ratzon to do the will of Hashem and our desire
for the revelation of His glory in the world.
Any focus of our "struggles" should be geared to
its impact on kavod shamyim. We also need
to realize how much each victory (even if we
fall afterwards) brings down kavod shamayim
to the world.
This is especially true for our addictions -
which are sins in private. As Rav Dessler writes
(pt 5, page 23):
"The greatest revelation of G-d is in the most
private places. Through privacy and secrecy
comes revelation. When a tzadik is tested, and
especially in private areas of his life and
eventually succeeds, he is bringing down kavod
shamyim to the world."
P.S. It is worthwhile to get your hands on the
special tefilla for zera l'vatala
that is recited during musaf of R"H during "u'mipnei
chateinu". I have been saying it for the
past nine years. Very uplifting. It is printed
in many machzorim. |
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Making Hashem King Over Our Will
By "TaharasHakodesh"
The Michtav Meliyahu explains (in the new
sefer on Rosh Hashana pg 137):
The avodah of
Malchiyos is not enough to subjugate everything we
do to Hashem's will by just not doing any sins,
but rather we should have no self-will other
than doing the Ratzon of Hashem.
How can we get to that level?
This is the Gemora's question,
"u'Ba'meh? -
and with what?".
The Gemara answers,
"B'shofar - Tekiya shevarim teruah". The Gemorah on 33b clarifies,
"genuchi, viyenuchi, vi'yeluli -
sighs, cries and wails" (which are represented by the sounds of
the Shofar).
The Shlah (R"H perek Torah Ohr) explains
"genuchi" to mean
"hasagas choli hanefesh" i.e. recognizing the sickness of the soul.
Meaning, to realize that we are really sick and
need to completely rely on Hashem - i.e. "to
let go and let G-d".
And
"Yeluli" means
"aveylus al chatoyim gedolim shehem misas
hanefesh
-
mourning over our big sins that kill our
souls".
As it says,
"reshayim bichayehem kruyim maisim -
evil ones are considered dead, even in their life time".
When we realize that lusting and acting out is
ruining our lives and making life not worth
living, it causes us to mourn our own existence.
B"H on GuardYourEyes we have all been working on
Malchiyos, and we will all continue to do so
together!
Wishing everyone a great and blessed year! |
|
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Earn
yourself immeasurable merit for the Yomim
Nora'im!
Please Help GuardYourEyes continue its holy
work!
Someone recently sent out the following e-mail
to his contacts:
E-Mail Subject:
"A sensitive matter, A unique appeal - Strictly
for men only"
Dear all,
This is a topic of a truly sensitive nature
which is rarely talked about - strictly men
only. Open the attachment to this e-mail and
you'll see why.
I don't normally forward chain e-mails, but
after receiving this one and reading the
attachment, I felt it right that this time I do.
Please read, donate and most importantly... pass
it on. Because of anonymity, it is run single
handedly - nobody knows of his cause.
Wishing you a ketivah v'chatima tovah.
- Please see the attachment "Guard
Your Eyes Appeal"
After sending out the e-mail to his contacts, he
wrote to us:
"I sent out this e-mail to about 70 people, most
- if not all of them, frum, married, working
people. B'ezrath Hashem, you should raise many
thousands of dollars and may your website and
all it does - go from strength to strength in
keeping all Jewish men out of trouble".
Please everyone, we need your help!
We can't do this without you. Not enough funding
is coming through, and it's becoming difficult
to keep going at the current pace. Please
donate if you can, but even more
importantly - PLEASE COPY THE FORMAT ABOVE
AND PASS THIS E-MAIL ON, WHETHER YOU DONATE OR
NOT. (The above format makes it look like the
e-mail came from someone else - and you're just
passing it on).
Download the attachment here by
right-clicking and pressing "Save Target/Link
As". Then, simply attach the PDF file to
the e-mail you send out.
Make
a monthly commitment for the new year using the
new PayPal options on the right side of the page
on our website
www.guardyoureyes.org. You can choose to
donate $18 X 12 - or any other combination that
would be comfortable.
Together we can change the world!
GuardYourEyes is growing and expanding its
activities every day. We are working with a
programming team now to design a whole new
profile page where users will be able
to sign up for accountability partners and
sponsors, as well as join the 90 day chart. We
are working on chat-rooms (separate for men and
women)
click here for an example (it's still
a work-in-progress) where people will be able to
chat in real-time for Chizuk,
RSS feeds, and so many more features to make
our network more useful and user friendly for
everyone. We hope one day to have a world-wide
network of hotlines where people can call in for
Chizuk 24 hours a day - with real professionals
on the line, and we dream of publishing books,
pamphlets and doing so much more!
PLEASE HELP US MAKE ALL THIS A REALITY!
Rosh Hashana is about proclaiming Hashem as King
in the world. Sins in these areas distance
Hashem from the world like no other sins do. By
helping us help other Yidden in these areas, we
are drawing Hashem back down to this world and
proclaiming Him as our King.
May you all have a Ksiva Vachasima Tova,
and may this year be a year of physical and
spiritual health, sobriety and growth for
everyone! |
|
|
587. |
Monday ~ Tzom Gedalia ~ 3 Tishrei, 5770 ~
September 21, 2009 |
|
In Today's Issue
-
Bracha From Bardichev:
Eye Power
-
Rosh Hashana Testimonials:
This year was very different
-
The Annual GYE Appeal: Update
-
Daily Dose of Dov: Face it Now
-
Quote of the Day:
We only have NOW
-
Daily excerpts from
the GYE Handbook:
19: Tool #4 - Daily Chizuk
-------------------------------------------------------------- |
A Bracha From "Bardichev" for the new
year:
And as "Kedusha" pointed out, "Ain' = Eye.
That makes it the year of Eye power! |
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A
Few Beautiful Pre-Rosh Hashana Testimonials
"Shomer" Wrote:
I just wanted to take a minute before Rosh
Hashana to express the gratitude I have for the
GYE network.
I don't think it necessary to go into all the
ways the GYE network and especially Moreno Guard
has helped me, you guys know how much it has
helped all of you, first hand.
I do want to say that I have put my money where
my mouth is and have made donations to the GYE
network in the past, and again after yesterday's
appeal.
I may not be a wealthy person, but I feel that
it was my obligation to give back just a little
bit of what has been given so freely to me.
Wishing you all a kasiva v'chasima tova and a
gut g'benched yur!!!!
"ClearEyes" wrote:
"U'kisov l'chaim tovim - Write us for a good life"
- Last year Hashem answered my prayers!!
Every Yomim Noraim I would ask Hashem for
life and the good things that come with it. And
of course I told Hashem and myself how bad I
feel, and how this year I will be clean.
This was not working so well for me, and
after doing it for so many years I was getting
sick of it.
Last year I prayed differently. I was sick
of my yo-yo life. Up - down, up - down, up -
down. Day after day, week after week, and year
after year. And before long, decade after
decade. I knew that no matter how hard I
davened, no matter how much I cried, no matter
how honestly I felt that I would not go back, it
would not last, like every year before.
So I cried and cried some more.
'U'kisov l'chaim' - I was not suicidal, but thought about my
request for life. True, on these days my life
for the year was being sealed, but was I
actually worried that I may die? Not really.
I've been sinning pretty badly my entire life
and yet I'm still granted life each year. Ok, so
I won't beg for life this year. It's not like
I'm doing such a great job utilizing it.
'lechayim Tovim' -
Good Life?! What's this?! hmmm... to be written down for a good life this
year. Well, there was only one thing I could
think of that would make this year a good year.
And it wasn't winning the Lotto. It was to break
free of my life-long addiction, to put an end to
this yearly predictable ritual during the high
holy days.
So I begged and I begged.
Hashem, I don't need life, what for? I am
screwing it up anyways. You want to keep me
around another year, fine, but on one condition,
You give me a good year. Hashem, I am sick and
tired of these bad years. I can't live through
them anymore. I can't. Hashem, I want; no... I
need a good life. I need one.
Living with this addiction is not life! Please,
please, please, I am begging You, write me down
for a good life!!!!
Ten months later. Months of struggling.
Months of ups and downs (with a lot of downs).
Hashem answered my prayers. I certainly forgot
what I asked for, but Hashem did not. He
answered me. He sent to me His loyal servant Reb'
Guard along with his holy army on GYE.
Thank you Hashem!!!! Thank you for the gift
of life!!!! Thank you for making it a Good
life!!!!! Thank you for 60 clean days!!!!!
Thank you!!!!
"U'kisov l'chaim tovim, KOL BNEI BRIOSECHA".
Hashem, last year I prayed for a good year, and
You answered. This year please answer others
like you answered me. For all of your fighters
of your bris, please write them for a good
year.
"Bardichev" wrote:
HEILIGEH YIDDEN,
THIS WEBSITE AND
FORUM ARE THE "SANAYGAR" THAT REB LEVI
YITZCHOK BEN SARAH ZUSHA, THE HEILIGER
BARDICHEVER, WILL USE TO SHOW HK"BH HOW
WONDERFUL HIS KINDERLACH ARE.
I HAVE 2 THINGS TO SAY:
ONE IS THAT ON ROSH HASHANAH I WILL BE 6 MONTHS
CLEAN!!
BARDICHIVER NIGGUN PLEASE (Click
here to download)
SECOND, WITHOUT REVEALING MY ANON. (I NEVER SAID
THIS ON THE FORUM BEFORE)... I CALL MY SELF "bardichev"
BECAUSE I AM AN "EINIKEL" OF THE HEILIGER
BARDICHEVER.
IN THE PAST, I ALWAYS THOUGHT TO MYSELF, "WHAT
WOULD I DO IF I AM EVER ZOCHE TO MEET MY ELTER
ELTER .... ZAIDEH?
NOW I KNOW.
I WILL SHOW HIM THIS FORUM.
"Rage at the Machine" wrote (today):
I blew Shofar this year for the local nursing
homes. In recent years I took myself out of this
task as a "mumar ledavar echad". But
thanks to GYE, I'm back. So I and a bunch of
older folks in NYC thank you Guard, for that
too... |
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The Annual GYE
Aseres Yimei Teshuvah Appeal
Here is a list of the donations we received so
far since the appeal started:
N.W: $54
A.G: $100
D.B: $100
J.W: $250
A.W: $101
A.C: $50
L.M: $72
C.G: $10
A.P: $360
Y.K:
$18 X 12
M.A: $10 X 12
E.S: $18 X 12
D.B: $18 X 24
M.L: $36
D.G: $100
A.K: $180
Y.L: $400
(Collected through a friend)
It's Aseres Yimei Teshuvah now, and
the biggest Teshuvah is to help OTHERS do
Teshuvah. And that's what you're doing
when you help support GYE. To donate, go to
www.guardyoureyes.org and use the various
PayPal options on the right side of the page
(scroll down).
This is a once a year appeal. Please try and
make
monthly commitments
for the duration of the year.
For $18 X 12 you will earn the title of
"GYE Sponsor"! (That might not sound like much on this world, but GYE
sponsors have special "pull" in Shamayim :-)
And please pass on the "Chain e-mail" that we
talked about in the previous issues, to all your
e-mail contacts. Not only does this help us
raise money, but it helps spread awareness of
our work throughout the Jewish world. You
could be saving lives!
Thank you all, and Tizke Lemitzvos! May you be
inscribed in the book of LIFE; REAL LIFE i.e.
Living with Hashem, and may you all see success
in Ruchniyus and Gashmiyus in the
coming year! |
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Daily Dose of Dov
FACE IT NOW
12-Step Tip of the Day
One very frustrated addict wrote on the
forum (while trying to break his filter):
Aaahhh! i hate this! stupid yetzer! i can't take
it anymore! i hate this part of me! wasting my
time! making me do stupid things! I'm still
trying to break my filter! somebody call me
stupid! i wasted another hour tonight on
nothing!!!! nobody be nice to me! call me an
idiot! please somebody smack me! I'm about to go
out to selichos and I'm trying to bust my filter
even on a high level, just to get some skin
fix!!! AAAAAHHHH!!! i know my attitude stinks!!
(read the GYE attitude handbook!!). I need some
tough love. stop loving me and tell me I'm a
ridiculous idiot!! i want to hear it!! i blocked
myself so well, I'm scraping the walls having
lust attacks and getting nowhere!!! he's just
making me hit my head against a brick wall for
nothing!!! this is insanity!!
Dov Responds:
Dear Yid,
First of all, please be moichel me for
liking you so much. I'm really sorry but I can't
help myself.
Please consider: Where the heck did you get the
idea that NOT doing stupid stuff like lusting,
playing with the filter, or whatever, would
immediately lead to to happiness? If you want to
laugh at yourself, laugh about that.
If you can accept that you were not only lusting
out of habit, but also to comfort yourself,
then it's obvious that when the acting out and
other nahrishkeiten are removed from the
equation, you will go a little bonkers. We all do, temporarily.
After that, it is your choice: to either ride
the storm holding our hands while you find peace
(I use the 12-steps for that), or go back out
there and comfort yourself some more with the
sweet poison. Oh yeah, there's a third choice.
You can just keep kvetching about it. I
certainly did my share. But these SA guys don't
seem to have much room for pity... tough
bunch....
Whatever you (and we) are hurting or annoyed
about - or scared of - is still going to need
facing.
We need peace, not more painful
adventure. We can either face it now
while aching a bit in sobriety and really
attain the peace we deserve, or we can medicate
again, to deal with it perhaps in the next gigul,
or - if/when the medicating finally stops
working - in this one.
Nu. At least in this one you have our hands to
hold! It seems that "Someone" is looking out for
you and is giving you the help you need in
this trip!
So make a lechayim for a sweet new year together
with some flaky people who really understand
you, for a change.
To sum up the way I understand what Dov
is saying (in short):
Even if we succeed to stop acting out, it won't
solve our problems. There's obviously something
we are annoyed about or scared of (or whatever),
that we are using the acting out to medicate.
When we stop medicating, we can finally
face the real issues head on. And that's
where it gets hard. But Hashem sent you to a
group of people who understand you, and we'll
all hold your hands while you find the peace you
seek (and deserve). |
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Quote of the Day
We can't do 90 days now.
We can't even do 2 days now! Can we EAT or go to
the bathroom for tomorrow?? We can only do
TODAY. Forget about yesterday's slip, forget
about today's slip, and forget about the
future. The Pasuk says:
"Ve'ata Yisrael Ma Hashem elokecha Sho'el
Me'imcha - and NOW Yisrael (is) what Hashem
asks of you". Ve'Ata:
RIGHT NOW. That is ALL Hashem asks of us!
How freeing is THAT?
(Hint: "very") |
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
For those who find it hard to find the
time to read through the GuardYourEyes
Handbooks, we will try and bring an excerpt each
day. In this way, everyone will have a chance to
go through the handbooks over time. Currently,
we are bringing daily excerpts from
the GYE Handbook, which presents 18 tools to
breaking free of Lust addiction in progressive
order.
Daily
excerpt from
the GYE Handbook
Excerpt #19
(Right-click the link and press "Save
Link/Target As" to download the e-Book)
Tool #4: Daily Chizuk
To succeed in this struggle, it is important for us
to get fresh perspective and Chizuk each day.
Chazal say that the Yetzer Hara renews his
attack on us every day. He plays real nasty, and
will use every trick in the book (and not in the
book) to get us to fall. To counter this, we
need new Chizuk and tips every day. There is so
much material on our website and on other sites
as well, but it's often overwhelming and not
practically within reach when we need it most.
Our network provides a daily Chizuk e-mail with
antidotes, tips, articles, and quotes from the
holy texts, therapists, and fellow strugglers,
to help us break free of this addiction. We have
hundreds of members signed up already, and for
many people it is literally their life-line.
So let's
sign up today and make sure to read each
day's Chizuk e-mail. The Yetzer Hara will do his
best to get us to ignore the e-mails after a
while, but if we are determined to break free -
we must make sure to read and internalize their
messages every day. Like drops of water on Rabbi
Akiva's rock, a little Chizuk every day can make
a very strong impression over time.
Our new dynamic blog-site at
www.guardyoureyes.org has 10 different
categories, such as Tips, Stories, Personal
Victories, Quotes, Testimonials, Torah Thoughts
and more, which are updated almost every day.
There are also
RSS feeds where we can get each new post
straight to our Readers without even having to
visit the website. With all these great tools,
we will never stop learning new things and
getting stronger all the time!
The
GYE Forum is also a great source of daily
Chizuk. Hundreds of members post daily about
their struggles and successes, and they share
Chizuk, inspiration and hope between each other.
For many, the forum is literally a life-line of
daily Chizuk; keeping strong as a community.
We can also browse through the archives of
hundreds of previously sent chizuk e-mails on
these pages as well. Or we can browse the
hundreds of great tips on our website
here (or on the new blog-site
here), divided into intuitive categories,
such as Practical Tips, Spiritual Tips, Therapy
Tips, Mind Tips, and "Tips from Fellow
Strugglers".
Let's not try to bite too much at once though.
It is better to read less and internalize
it, than to read tons of material and quickly
forget it. We need to find a balance that works
best for us, where we read a few articles or
tips every day; just enough for us to be able to
swallow, digest and feel a little stronger until
tomorrow. |
|
|
588. |
Tuesday ~ 4 Tishrei, 5770 ~ September 22,
2009 |
|
In Today's Issue
-
MAZAL TOV TO LETAKEIN!
"We are only as sick as our secrets"
-
The Annual GYE Appeal: Help us reach our goal!
-
Parable of the Day:
Rock Climbing
-
Daily Dose of Dov: Change your Shoes
-
Quote of the Day:
Always Hungry for More
-
Daily excerpts from
the GYE Handbook:
20: Tool #5 - The Tools of GYE
-------------------------------------------------------------- |
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Mazal Tov! "Letakein" is a Kalla!
Her nickname comes from the famous saying,
"As long as the candle still burns, 'efshar
Letakein' - one can still fix"
In honor of her joyful announcement, we
uploaded a beautiful niggun called "The
candle still burns" - a perfect song for her
story, and particularly for the Aseres
Yimei Teshuvah! (Right click the link and select "Save Link/Target As"
to download the song).
About 45 days ago, Letakein joined the women's
forum. She wrote:
This is about the millionth time I'm trying to
be clean but my first time as a member of this
site. I discovered the site 3 days ago and I'm
really hopeful about improving!
I can't believe I'm here,
been struggling for years,
Kept thinking I was bad,
wish this website I had.
You guys are all so kind,
Much Hatzlacha I hope to find!
"Letakein" fit right in to the "family" on the
forum, and she quickly came to call the other
girls there ("Habib613" and "Trying") sisters,
and 7Up - "Mom"... Her upbeat attitude and
sincere determination has been an inspiration to
us all, ever since she joined.
A few weeks ago she wrote to me that she is
going out with a very special boy and wanted to
know if I feel that she needs to bring up her
(past?) addiction with him. I felt unqualified
to answer this weighty question, and I sent a
query to Rabbi Avraham Twerski - with whom we
often consult for guidance on our website. Rabbi
Twerski answered as follows:
There is an adage, "You're only as sick as your
secrets." Revealing information that may ruin a
shidduch is understandably very difficult, but
keeping it secret creates a constant anxiety and
a barrier to mutual trust and sincere
communication. Marriages have enough problems
without adding secrets.
In the case of alcohol or drug addiction, we
generally tell people to avoid even getting into
a relationship before one year of solid recovery
and with the approval of one's sponsor. One
month sobriety is hardly a beginning.
There are many variables. How long was the
addiction? Does the person still have urges?
Whenever one decides to tell, one should say, "I
must tell you something about myself, but it is
with "Bal Tomar." You must promise not to tell
it to anyone else.
Twerski
The full story appears on
this page. Read for yourself the
amazing way that the events unfolded!
Here is "Letakein's" poem for today's
announcement that she's a Kalla:
I have so much to share with you,
I don't know where to start.
I guess I'll just start typing,
it will come right from my heart.
A few short weeks and days ago
I won't say just how long,
I started going out
and things started going strong.
So I had this huge dilemma,
"should I tell him, should I never?"
So I asked our heilige guard
to help me in my endeavor.
He emailed Rabbi Twerski
who said I had to tell,
and let me tell you, chevre,
I was not sleeping very well.
I was shaking like a leaf,
and that's for real - just ask my "sisters".
I had a serious case
of the shakes and of the shivers.
But Guard just reassured me
that everything was grand,
and Hashem would help me through this
with His loving guiding hand.
(even though I know Guard's heart thumped too -
it sounded like a band!)
So I went to tell this boy and to my joy and
great delight,
he really helped me out and now my heart feels
like in flight.
We went to see a therapist
who's words just made me smile.
I was nervous before I went,
but it was really worth our while.
The boy is now my chosson,
and I'm a kallah now.
Hashem is so amazing,
all I can say is WOW!!!!!!!!!
MAZEL TOV EVERYBODY!
Rabbi Twerski was so impressed
with how it all turned out, that he wrote me:
I think this is a significant triumph. I would
like to use this story as an example to show
people how being truthful and not concealing
secrets can succeed.
Twerski |
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The Annual GYE
Aseres Yimei Teshuvah Appeal
Please help us reach our goal of $10,000!
Here is a list of the donations we received so
far since the appeal started:
N.W:
$54
A.G: $100
D.B: $100
J.W: $250
A.W: $101
A.C: $50
L.M: $72
C.G: $10
A.P: $360
Y.K:
$18
X 12
M.A: $10
X 12
E.S: $18
X 12
D.B: $18
X 24
M.L: $36
D.G: $100
A.K: $180
Y.L: $400
(Collected through a friend)
A.T: 18
X 12
A.S: $33
Y.T: $100
M.P: $50
E.K: $36
J.R: $500
E.Z: $72
S.B: $150
L.M: $250
---------------
$3122
+
another $1100 in future monthly payments (red
above)
$4222 Total (so far)
Another reader of our Chizuk e-mails just
wrote in:
In response to your fundraising plea, I have
committed that any deals I get during a specific
time period will have a percentage allocated to
helping to further your phenomenal work. This
way it will be a zechus for me, and a help for
you at the same time.
Dear friends, this is a once a year appeal.
Please help us reach our goal of $10,000 before
the appeal ends on Yom Kippur. This amount will
help tide us through until next year's appeal!
Please try and make monthly commitments for the
duration of the year. For example, for only
$18 X 12 you will earn the title of "GYE Sponsor"!
(That might not sound like much, but we
have inside information that GYE sponsors have
special "pull" in Shamayim :-)
It's Aseres Yimei Teshuvah now, and
the biggest Teshuvah is to help OTHERS do
Teshuvah. And that's what you're doing
when you help support GYE. To donate, please go
to
www.guardyoureyes.org and use the various
PayPal options on the right side of the page
(scroll down).
And please pass on the "Chain e-mail" that we
talked about in the previous issues, to all your
e-mail contacts - along with
this
attachment. If you are afraid to
send it out yourself, send US a list of your
e-mail contacts and we'll do it anonymously!
Not only does this help us raise money, but it
helps spread awareness of our work throughout
the Jewish world. You could be saving lives!
Thank you all, and Tizke Lemitzvos! May you be
inscribed in the book of LIFE; REAL LIFE i.e.
Living with Hashem, and may you all see success
in Ruchniyus and Gashmiyus in the
coming year! |
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Parable of the Day
Rock Climbing
By BenAvraham
Before I became frum, I used to be very
involved in rock climbing. Though I never did
any multi-day climbs, I frequently read accounts
of them in books and magazines. According to
these accounts, when you encounter a
particularly difficult spot in a climb, you
should look around for anything that was left
behind by the climbers who passed the same way
and blazed the path before you. Not
infrequently, someone will leave behind a piece
of gear or even inscribe a hint onto the rock
face so that future climbers will know how to
get past the tricky spot.
Beating the addiction is a cliff that takes a
lifetime to scale, but
90 days at least gets us past the most
difficult parts. And although I fell off the
cliff recently after only thirty days, I
acquired knowledge and experience in those days
that I know will help me as I start ascending
once more. Where did this knowledge come from?
From all of you here
on the forum, who inscribed tips into the
face of the rock at every difficult spot!
Thanks, folks; the climb is more fun with
company. |
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Daily Dose of Dov
Change Your Shoes
12-Step Tip of the Day
I have not met too many folks who did not
have to live any differently to
get a different life. Meaning, if you expect to
actually have a different and better
life, a life without the garbage of the Lust, P,
and M-words, you may not be able
to live it while remaining in the same shoes you
wore last year (and getting odor-eaters may not
be enough). For those guys who keep trying and
falling, this may be their missing ingredient.
Getting away without this bullet-biting may be a
luxury that we just don't "deserve". I didn't,
for sure.
Yes, I know the tzadikim teach us that our
intentions are powerful, but in my case,
I had to actually go to meetings, tell my
story publicly (in an anonymous meeting, of
course), and live my life (a little)
differently - as an addict.
I really have nothing more to add. Wisdom,
support and love you've got here aplenty
already.
- Dov |
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Quote of the Day
Always Hungry for More
By "Rage at the Machine" to someone who was
feeling pain that his own wife wasn't enough.
Let me speak from experience: If there is
no holiness in your life, you will get
bored/sick/frustrated with your wife no matter
how beautiful she is. If you think that had you
married the "ditz" you wouldn't be looking at
other women, then you are dead wrong. As a
human, but especially as a lust addict,
you will ALWAYS be hungry for more. Whether your
wife is hot as H* or not, it makes no difference
at all.
About three weeks ago, while in the middle of
surfing for p**n, when that night my very
beautiful wife was going to the mikva, I came
upon this site and I said to myself, "I am
not an animal". I wanted to regain some form
of Jewish dignity.
Whether you are currently in a healthy, long
lasting marriage, I don't know. But I do know
that (1) you will NEVER be able to tell until
you rid yourself of this addiction and (2) your
addiction will NEVER EVER make your life better,
and will absolutely never make you happier, and
it certainly won't convert your
relationship into one that is a healthy
long-lasting relationship.
Keep fighting! |
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
For those who find it hard to find the
time to read through the GuardYourEyes
Handbooks, we will try and bring an excerpt each
day. In this way, everyone will have a chance to
go through the handbooks over time. Currently,
we are bringing daily excerpts from
the GYE Handbook, which presents 18 tools to
breaking free of Lust addiction in progressive
order.
Daily
excerpt from
the GYE Handbook
Excerpt #20
(Right-click the link and press "Save
Link/Target As" to download the e-Book)
Tool #5: Using the Tools on our
Website
On the menu bar of our website at
www.guardyoureyes.org there is an item
called "Tools". When you roll over this
item, a drop down of many useful tools will
appear, many of which have their own
sub-menu drop-down's as well. Let's use
these many tools; they were designed for US!
Just to mention a few that aren't mentioned in
the other tools of this handbook:
We can read through the
FAQ page where we will likely find answers
to many questions that bothered us, or simply to
get some good perspective on a host of issues
relating to the addiction. On our new website,
we have a
"Q&A" category as well.
When feeling bored or vulnerable, we can check
out the
Kosher Isle of our network, for Kosher
entertainment sites, activity ideas, and lots of
Torah audio and video shiurim.
When in the need for some Simcha or some
emotional inspiration, we can click on our
Music page for a selection of music that can
bring us to tears or make us want to dance!
We can read the
Recovery Stories on our site (and on our new
web site
here) and see how we are not alone. We will
read how others - even worse off than us - were
able to break free, and we will be inspired to
follow their examples!
We can check out the
Links Section of our website, where we will
find other great websites and other ideas to
help us battle this addiction.
And of course, like we mentioned in the previous
tools as well, we can use the
Tips Section on the site (or on the new site
here) to get new ideas all the time of how
to succeed, and we can browse through the
hundreds of
previous chizuk e-mails to help us continue
refining our perspective on this struggle.
Breaking an addiction is a little like "mind
surgery", and in the same way that no one can
become a good "neurosurgeon" without huge
amounts of studying, we must also be ready to
"study" well, to succeed in this battle for our
souls. |
|
|
589. |
Wednesday ~ 5 Tishrei, 5770 ~ September 23,
2009 |
|
In Today's Issue
-
A Diamond is a Diamond:
SIN =
Self
Imposed
Nonsense
-
The Annual GYE Appeal: We're Half Way There, B"H!
-
Torah Thought of the Day:
The Satan's Going Wild
-
Personal Victory of the Day: "Nice try, Loser!"
-
Daily Dose of Dov: "Schar, anyone?"
-
Teffilah Thought of the Day: Machshevos Soneinu
-
Quote of the Day:
"I won't do what you want!"
-
Daily excerpts from
the GYE Handbook:
21: Tool #6 - Part 1
-------------------------------------------------------------- |
A Diamond is a Diamond is a Diamond!
By Benyamin Bresinger - Chabad
Project Pride
It gets dirty; it can even lose its shine.
But a diamond always remains a precious stone.
On Yom Kippur we ask forgiveness for what we
have done; not who we are.
Our sins (or our Self-Imposed Nonsense)
are the actions that get in the way between us
and G-d. There are certain things about our
personalities that give rise to self-destructive
behavior. The Talmud says that the only way we
could do anything contrary to G-d's will is
because we are under the influence of a state of
"folly" or "nonsense."
Over the year we have done plenty of things that
cause dirt to gather on our precious soul. The
challenge is to communicate this to the
struggling addict: That the dirt is acquired
and not what defines us. We may be
dirty, but we are not dirt!
How to get this message across to the people I
work with, people suffering from addiction, is
not only a challenge -- but it is the main
challenge. There is so much self-loathing
that they find it impossible to believe that G-d
wants a new and intimate relationship. Addicts
are usually filled with shame and guilt. Guilt
is healthy and necessary for the recovery
process to take place. Shame is different; it is
not a regret of what I have done; it is a
regret of who I am. "I am bad" vs. "what
I have done in the past is wrong." The
difference is that our character faults cannot
define who we intrinsically are.
The essence of who we are remains unaffected; it
needs dusting. And that's what Yom Kippur does.
It's the annual buffing of the soul. The soul,
like the diamond, always remains precious.
Recovering from addiction includes being able to
see ourselves rightly. It is distorted thinking
that can cause a person to continue to use (or
act out). One of the thoughts that is so
dangerous is that "I am bad." This thinking
takes on a life of its own. It's called
shame-based self-perception. I see myself as my
actions and that's it. But, in reality, I am so
much more than my actions and my speech -- and
even more than my thoughts.
I need to own my own dirt. I need to go over all
the actions that need cleansing. I also need to
see myself as a diamond. My character defects
are acquired; they are not me.
On Yom Kippur we stand before G-d. We have
looked at ourselves rightly; we have repented
and committed to a positive future. Our Creator
now embraces us as only a parent can embrace a
child.
Our true essence shines. The angels dance, and
the world rejoices. And, finally, I am okay
being me. |
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The Annual GYE
Aseres Yimei Teshuvah Appeal
Please help us reach our goal of $10k!
B"H, we're over HALF WAY THERE!
If you are unsure of how to donate anonymously
and get a tax deductible receipt,
send us an e-mail and we'll tell you how.
If you're not sure how to donate yet,
make a pledge now before Yom-Kippur, and
we'll contact you and figure out a way together
later!
So many Jews are trapped in these behaviors with
no idea that help is available.
Send us
your e-mail contacts and we'll send them
all an anonymous e-mail about our network. You
could be saving lives!
Here is a list of the donations we received so
far since the appeal started:
N.W:
$54
A.G:
$100
D.B:
$100
J.W:
$250
A.W:
$101
A.C:
$50
STN:
$36
- Pledge
L.M:
$72
C.G:
$10
A.P:
$360
Y.K:
$18
X 12
M.A:
$10
X 12
E.S:
$18
X 12
D.B:
$18
X 24
M.L:
$36
D.G:
$100
A.K:
$180
Y.L:
$400
(Collected through a friend)
A.T:
18
X 12
A.S:
$33
Y.T:
$100
M.P:
$50
E.K:
$36
J.R:
$500
E.Z:
$72
S.B:
$150
L.M:
$250
NEW! B.J: $180
- Pledge
NEW! S.N: $36
NEW! N.F: $18
X 12
NEW!
J.A: $36
NEW!
Y.L:
$350
NEW!
S.T:
$18
--------------------
$3760
+ another $1298 in future monthly payments (red above)
$5058
Total (so far)
Dear friends, this is a once a year appeal.
Please help us reach our goal of $10,000 before
the appeal ends on Yom Kippur. This amount will
help tide us through until next year's appeal,
to pay for web development, advertising and
other costs! Please try and make monthly
commitments for the duration of the year. For
example, for only
$18 X 12 you will earn the title of "GYE Sponsor"!
(And we have inside information that GYE sponsors have
special "pull" in Shamayim :-)
It's Aseres Yimei Teshuvah now, and the
biggest Teshuvah is to help OTHERS do Teshuvah.
And that's what you're doing when you
help support GYE. To donate, please go to
www.guardyoureyes.org and use the various
PayPal options on the right side of the page
(scroll down).
A reader of our Chizuk e-mails wrote in
yesterday:
In response to your fundraising plea, I have
committed that any deals I get during a specific
time period will have a percentage allocated to
helping to further your phenomenal work. This
way it will be a zechus for me, and a help for
you at the same time.
Thank you all, and Tizke Lemitzvos! May you be
inscribed in the book of LIFE; REAL LIFE i.e.
Living with Hashem, and may you all see success
in Ruchniyus and Gashmiyus in the
coming year! |
Torah Thought of the Day
The Satan Goes Wild These Days
By "Battleworn"
Last week I heard R' Tzvi Meir speak. He
spoke about the idea that davka because
the power of these days is so strong, the Yetzer
Hara really works overtime. Chazal say very
clearly that we can get close to Hashem during
the aseres yemei teshuva, more
than the rest of the year. That means that even
someone who is so far-removed from Hashem that
the rest of the year he can't wake up the
connection, during these days he can.
The Yetzer Hara really stands to lose a lot
during these days, so he really goes totally
wild. And all we have to do, is to NOT GET
PHASED BY THE DARKNESS - TO ROLL WITH THE
PUNCHES AND WEATHER THE STORM. We need to
recognize the confusion for what it is, namely a
dirty trick of the Yetzer Hara. We need to
remember that it will soon pass and we will get
back into focus. And we need to speak to Hashem
and beg Him to make it pass fast and bring us
back to our senses.
But in truth, this very darkness is our greatest
opportunity! This is the "Derech" and "Kli" -
the "vessel" and key to tapping into the great
power of these days! The Gemarah says that when
one gives a gift, we can assume that he gave
generously ("ha'nosein, be'aiyin yafe nosein").
So when Hashem gave us these ten days of
closeness and Teshuvah, He also provided the "Derech".
VERY VERY often that means a feeling of
darkness. Because davka by trying to hold
on and not let go even when feeling like that,
we can merit the great segulah of these
days. |
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Personal Victory of the Day
Nice Try, Loser!
By Shmilu
What most amuses me about my current
situation is that soon after I fell, my evil
inclination whispered to me, "Hey, buddy, you
already fell and you're starting anew tomorrow.
Might as well 'chap arein' and go see the real
hardcore stuff and indulge, so that you will be,
ahem, satisfied for a longer period of time!"
So, yeah, at first glance it seemed like the
menuval would let me be for some time. But,
no, he obviously wasn't gonna pass up on a last
ditch effort to ensnare me even more. NO WAY,
YOU PATHETIC LOSER!
What was, WAS. But don't try to get me to think
that since I am already on the ground, nothing
will happen if I roll in the dirt. Guess what,
smart-aleck? I'll get dirtier! Nice try, loser!
Go fly a kite! |
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Daily Dose of Dov
Schar, anyone?
12-Step Tip of the Day
Someone wrote on the forum:
I am sure that after 120 years, all of us
posting on this website will be dancing in the
middle of klal yisrael's circle with all the
tzadikim, because if we can overcome our Niyonos,
we certainly deserve to be dancing with the
likes of Moshe Rabbeinu and the Avos!
Dov Replies:
Amen V'chein Y'hi Ratzon! with one
caveat for me:
I completely relinquish any s'char I may
deserve - and may ever deserve - for what
you call "overcoming my nisayon". I want
no part of it.
And this is why:
When I'm sane, I calmly say, "Tatte, help me"
whenever I notice a problematic image coming out
of the corner of my eye, or a troubling memory
growing out of a corner of my mind. I give the
job of freeing me of the powerful desire
to look more or to think about it more, to
Hashem Yisborach alone. "Struggling with it"
reminds me too much of how I got here in the
first place! Not healthy....
Besides, every now and then, the desire will
surely be much too powerful for me to resist. To
admit that requires humility -
which is also a gift from Him, I believe. But
I'm in good company, as David Hamelech said,
"va'ani l'tzelah nachon".
I remember that giving it up can sometimes
really feel like a punch in the stomach;
intolerable; as though I am really losing something
that I desperately need for my own
good!! I am not smart enough to rely on my
wisdom then. After all, it was my wisdom
that got me here in the first
place...
So I give the credit to Him and do not
assume that I am smarter or better
now. That's what I always used to
think... foolish fellow that I can be ;-)
What s'char do I deserve
for running from lust like the fire that
it is for me (or maybe just closing my
eyes for a second) and quietly, humbly asking
Hashem to take a second out of His busy schedule
to help His little Doveleh out, so that I can
move on to His work?
I am aware that this attitude may not work for
everybody, but for me, it's the best so far.
S'char anyone?
-------------------------------------
Note from webmaster:
Dov's approach is for those who work the
12-Steps; not for everyone. In step 1, we
admit powerlessness, and in steps 2 and 3 we
learn how to get out of the driver's seat
(so to speak) and give over the addiction to
Hashem to deal with. For a real 12-Stepper like
Dov, these are not just "words". These guys
really live with this awareness.
They learn how to fully and completely surrender
the struggle to Hashem, and therefore they truly
feel that they have no claim to schar for
"over-coming" their addiction, anymore than they
have schar for breathing!
(But hey - we all know the truth... Dov
will be dancing in the
middle with the Tzadikim one day, that's for
sure! :-) |
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Teffilah Thought of the Day
"Machshavos Soneinu"
From "GW"
These days we say Avinu Malkeinu.
One of them is:
"Batel Machshavos Soneinu -
eliminate the thoughts of those who hate
us".
First of all, this is clearly a reference to the
Yetzer Hara as well, who hates us and wants to
kill us. However, we can also (loosely) explain
this phrase as asking HaShem to eliminate the
hateful thoughts in our minds which lead
us to sin. Only He can rescue us, and we must
constantly ask for His divine assistance to
eradicate the impulses which attack us so many
times each day.
So next time you get an impulse to act-out,
daven to Hashem and say, "Avinu Malkeinu,
Batel Machshavos Soneinu!" |
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Quote of the Day
Time to tell the machine, "I won't do what you
tell me!"
By "Rage at the Machine" to someone who fell and
couldn't get up.
I don't know what to tell you to help you
stand up... You're down, and this addiction is
taking advantage, kicking you while you're
down... You're taking blows to the head, blows
to your ribs... It's an old fashioned beatdown...
Maybe you don't have the strength to fight back
right now... I understand that... But you can at
least get up... Stand up! Don't just lie
there... Get on your feet and look your
addiction in the eye, at least make your
addiction fight like a man....
I don't pretend to have any answers.... I'm not
even a month clean, and I consider myself a full
blown addict... But I can tell you that I
know how you suffer... Trust me when I say,
I used to have it so much rougher... It hurts...
But there is a solution here... I know you've
studied the 12 steps and even tried working
them... Perhaps it's time to go to a live
meeting? Don't try to build 90 days, 30 days or
even 7 days... Just work on today...
And don't test yourself... Yes, you can break
your filters... Yes, there is plenty of smut
available out there... all the sites are still
there... No, you can't give it a peek and then
stop... And no, it won't make you feel
any better... Don't try answering those
questions anymore, I just gave you the
answers... Just live this minute, this moment...
It's time to cut the puppet strings... Time to
walk out of the port-o-potty you've been living
in... Time to tell the machine, "I won't do what
you tell me!" |
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
For those who find it hard to find the
time to read through the GuardYourEyes
Handbooks, we will try and bring an excerpt each
day. In this way, everyone will have a chance to
go through the handbooks over time. Currently,
we are bringing daily excerpts from
the GYE Handbook, which presents 18 tools to
breaking free of Lust addiction in progressive
order.
Daily
excerpt from
the GYE Handbook
Excerpt #21
(Right-click the link and press "Save
Link/Target As" to download the e-Book)
Tool #6: Finding Alternative Fulfillment
(Part 1)
We frequently focus on breaking the addiction by
avoiding triggers and running away
from the Yetzer Hara. But often the best way to
deal with an addiction, is to remove the
underlying "needs" that the addiction is trying
to fill by proactively engaging in
alternative fulfilling pursuits.
More often than not, an addiction is a
psychological escape that we learned to use as a
way to flee from the realities of life. If we
can manage to keep ourselves occupied with
healthy and fulfilling activities that we enjoy,
the addiction will often fade away of its own
accord.
We should try to find new jobs or projects that
will enable us to express our creativity, find
enjoyment, and reconnect with life and the world
around us. This will help fill the "void" that
we were subconsciously trying to satisfy with
unhealthy pleasure seeking. Some ideas can be
found in our Kosher
Isle (and especially in Kosher
Activities section).
As the book "The
First Day of the Rest of My Life" puts it:
"Disconnecting from the imaginary
world of fantasy and sensual stimulation and
reconnecting anew to life can only happen if
somehow in the beginning of the addiction,
before things have gotten out of hand and it has
caused irreversible damage, one succeeds in
finding realistic and obtainable challenges and
goals, and manages to achieve fulfillment and
belonging through them." |
|
|
590. |
Thursday ~ 6 Tishrei, 5770 ~ September 24,
2009 |
|
In Today's Issue
-
Announcement:
Don't miss today's "Dose of Dov"!
-
Testimonials from the past few days...
-
The Annual GYE Appeal: Help us change the world!
-
Daily Dose of Dov: Who's Your Employer?
-
Daily excerpts from
the GYE Handbook:
22: Tool #6 - Part 2
-------------------------------------------------------------- |
Announcement
Beneath the "Testimonials" and
"Appeal" below, there's our usual "Dose of
Dov" (who is sober in SA for over 11 years). But
today's post is different; it is literally LIFE
CHANGING. When Dov posted this on the forum
yesterday, I heard a Bas Kol from
Shamayim saying, "Who revealed these
secrets to my children?"... No, but
seriously, I wanted to jump up and dance around
the room! So many things that weren't clear to
me before, became clear in this post. There are
so many people on
our forum who keep struggling and falling,
struggling and falling, and they beat up on
themselves and can't figure out what they are
doing wrong. So RABBOSAI, if you value your
recovery and relationship with Hashem, please
read through Dov's post till the end (it starts
really getting profound about half way
through). And then read it again. And you might
want to print it out too, to make it easier to
read. (If you do, I suggest framing it :-). I
guarantee that those who can understand and
internalize what Dov is saying here will have a
very different Yom Kippur this year! |
Some Inspiring Testimonials
In lieu of our on-going annual Aseres Yimei
Teshuva Appeal (see below), we would like to
bring here a few inspiring testimonials that we
received in recent days:
In yesterday's e-mail, we quoted a short
article by Rabbi Benyamin Bresinger, Director of
Chabad
Project Pride. He wrote me today:
I keep hearing fantastic, life saving news about
GuardYourEyes. Can you include me the daily
emails, please!
"Letakein", who recently became a Kalla, wrote
how she and her Chassan went to a therapist to
discuss her addiction. Afterwards she wrote:
The therapist was so nice and normal! I felt
crazy for going but, hey! I had to do it and I'm
really proud that I admitted that I need help! I
told him my whole situation, from start to
finish, with every tiny minute detail - it was
very painful. I admitted to stuff in person that
I'd never said to anyone in the whole wide
world. But, to my shock, he thought it was the
most normal thing in the world. He didn't think
I was this, like, mutilated teenager or
something. He was so logical and normal about
it.
When I told him that I'm an active member of
GYE, I wish you could've seen the smile on his
face! He was so happy and he encouraged me to
keep posting and to keep reading the emails- (he
reads them too!). I told him not to worry - I'm
hooked!
When I came out, I actually FELT CLEAN for the
first time in my life. It was an indescribably
happy feeling. I felt free- like I was walking
on clouds- and guaranteed of Hashem's loving
guiding hand. Me and my Chassan were both
discussing it and we were laughing out loud with
sheer joy!
We spoke to the Rav afterward and he spoke to
the therapist - and then my unofficial "chassan"
asked the rav, "so can we get married?" and the
rav said YES and laughed out loud! I can't stop
smiling!!!!!!!!!! Hodu la'hashem ki tov! and
hodu GUARD!!!!!!!!
The words thank you will never be enough to tell
describe how grateful I am. May you be zoche to
see all the members of GuardUrEyes have such
happiness because of you.
Someone on the forum sent us a message
yesterday:
Dear Rabbeinu Guard,
I had no idea this site was run single-handedly,
or that it was your full time job.
At one point I thought there was a whole team
behind "Reb Guard," but then I didn't know how
you managed to deal with people consistently.
Then I thought you were doing this part-time,
with a full-time job for support. But I still
didn't understand how Reb Guard always seems to
be logged on!
I think your idea is genius, very professionally
done, and for the clientele you have served,
your success rate is one to make any
professional therapist envious!
The work you are doing is incredible. I never
thought I would ever be able to control my eyes
on the street. Now, though some days are still
harder than others, I am usually able to
accomplish this. I haven't written any
check-marks in my "shmiras ainayim notebook",
because there usually aren't any intentional
looks, or only one or two to keep track of
lately.
May Hashem bless you with great success and
great financial backing!
"Shomer Ain" - a Bochur who is clean over a year
(see his story
here) wrote me today:
There are no words to describe all of you who
frequent GYE. Looking through the forums and
letters, I am flooded by feelings of awe and
respect for all of those who have taken on this
task. One thing that stands out above all, is
the ongoing perseverance which is so apparent in
all those who write on these forums.
"Holy Yid" sent us an e-mail today:
I want to thank you for your work here. Only a
few months ago, my life was full of such pain
and I had no idea where to turn. The past yom
kippors had such dread because I knew that there
was little I could do. Today I got to 50 days
clean. I could not have done it myself. I did
not dream about this kind of thing a few months
ago. Thank you again.
"Me3" wrote on the forum:
Thank you Guard. I owe you a debt that I can
never repay.
"X-Addict" wrote us an e-mail two days ago:
Hi, I'm x-addict here, wow, my journey's been a
long hard one, I'm up to 80 days now, I want to
fly to Israel to make a le'chaim in your house
on 90 days, I'm being serious, I want to meet
you! You have changed my life, 80 days!!! I've
given so many people inspiration, I'm
speechless, because I'm a massive chevraman and
people except me to be doing x y z, and to hear
that I'm not, makes them also not want to.
Your dearest talmid, B.L.Y
London, England
"TaharasHakodesh" sent us an e-mail today:
Hi. I have a mainstream yeshiva background and
have been in kollel for a few years. I can give
shiurim on the sefer taharos hakodesh or maybe
reb nachman's seforim to your members, if you
think that would help.
I have, B"H, with your help, been clean now for
a few weeks. I had the most beautiful davening
in Uman where I davened for everyone at GYE. I
finally felt I could mean when I said, "this
year will be different" and I want a life of
ruchniyos and not lust. Hopefully this year will
be the first that I stay clean past Hoshana
Rabba. |
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The Annual
Aseres Yimei Teshuvah Appeal
If you help others do Teshuvah, Hashem
will surely help you too - Midah Kineged
Midah!
Please help us reach our goal of $10k
B"H, we're over HALF WAY THERE!
If
you can't afford to donate right now, here are a
few ideas:
1)
Make a pledge based on future income,
like this member wrote in to us:
In response to your fundraising plea, I have
committed that any deals I get during a specific
time period will have a percentage allocated to
helping further your phenomenal work. This way
it will be a zechus for me, and a help for you
at the same time.
2) Send us your pledge to allocate a certain
percentage of your Maaser this year to
GYE.
3) Pledge now to donate a certain amount
sometime during the year, IF AND WHEN YOU
CAN.
4) Send out
this attachment to friends and family and
ask them if they can donate. It will be
in your Zechus!
If you make these commitments now, you will
enter Yom Kippur with special merits for
Teshuvah in the areas of
Shmiras Habris
and
Shmiras Ainayim.
If you are unsure of how to donate anonymously
and get a tax deductible receipt,
send us an e-mail and we'll tell you how.
If you're not sure how to donate at all,
make a pledge anyway - before Yom-Kippur,
and we'll contact you and figure out a way later
together!
So many Jews are trapped in these behaviors with
no idea that help is available.
Send us
your e-mail contacts (address books) and
we'll send them all an anonymous e-mail about
our network. You could be saving lives!
Here is a list of the donations we received so
far since the appeal started:
N.W:
$54
A.G:
$100
D.B:
$100
J.W:
$250
A.W:
$101
A.C:
$50
STN:
$36
- Pledge
L.M:
$72
C.G:
$10
A.P:
$360
Y.K:
$18
X 12
M.A:
$10
X 12
E.S:
$18
X 12
D.B:
$18
X 24
M.L:
$36
D.G:
$100
A.K:
$180
Y.L:
$400
(Collected through a friend)
A.T:
18
X 12
A.S:
$33
Y.T:
$100
M.P:
$50
E.K:
$36
J.R:
$500
E.Z:
$72
S.B:
$150
L.M:
$250
B.J:
$180
- Pledge
S.N:
$36
N.F:
$18
X 12
J.A:
$36
Y.L:
$350
S.T:
$18
New!
M.C:
$36
New!
S.C:
$36
New!
A.K:
$100
New!
M.W:
$18
X 12
- Pledge
New!
J.S:
$100
New!
N.R:
$100
New!
I.D:
$18
X 12
--------------------
$4150
+ another $1712 in future monthly payments (red "X"
above)
$5862
Total (so far)
Dear friends, this is a once a year appeal.
Please help us reach our goal of $10,000 before
the appeal ends on Yom Kippur. This amount will
help tide us through until next year's appeal,
to pay for web development, advertising and
other costs! Please try and make monthly
commitments for the duration of the year. For
example, for only
$18 X 12
you will earn the title of "GYE Sponsor"!
It's Aseres Yimei Teshuvah now, and the
biggest Teshuvah is to help OTHERS do Teshuvah.
And that's what you're doing when you
help support GYE. To donate, please go to
www.guardyoureyes.org and use the various
PayPal options on the right side of the page
(scroll down).
Thank you all, and Tizke Lemitzvos! May you be
inscribed in the book of LIFE; REAL LIFE i.e.
Living with Hashem, and may you all see success
in Ruchniyus and Gashmiyus in the
coming year! |
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Daily Dose of Dov
Who's Your Employer?
12-Step Tip of the Day
For me - in active addiction, staying clean
was a religious struggle - that was
really all about me. A clean day
was another feather in my hat, a good
deed, a great mitzva, and - as some here have
stated - another feather in the "hat of the
Ribono shel Olam". This did not get me any
better, though. It's beautiful to know that a
clean day is a kiddush Hashem and gives
Him nachas Ruach, does a tikkun,
etc. But by itself, that did nothing
to change me, and I knew it.
The ikkar of recovery is not "not
acting out". It is about the rest of
what we are doing. Why is it that some of us
have had a year-or-so of relatively clean time
while in yeshiva in Eretz Yisrael or wherever?
We were living differently, so we were different.
(Then we went back home and back to the same way
of life, and the rest is history).
As "Kedusha" has posted many times, the "best
way" to guarantee that I'll think about lust is
to try and focus on not thinking about
lust. But I'm going a step further than that,
perhaps. In my life so far, the way it works is
that I simply can't struggle with lust. I can't
struggle with it even for Hashem's sake.
As the Pasuk says,
"Hashem ish milchama
-
G-d is the man of war". That means that I am not,
at least in my case. In fact, the 12-steps don't
even mention our drug/problem, besides in
Step #1. So, the way I see it is, that if I want
to guarantee that I'll keep struggling
with it (and losing), I should just keep
thinking about not struggling with it.
"Counting the days I'm clean" is all the
impetus I need to get back to work struggling
(and losing). It happens so fast and so
naturally, I don't even realize it's occurring.
Then I wake up obsessed and fantasizing. For
years though, the struggling and the counting
were "lesheim shomayim", which doesn't
make it right, of course. And it isn't
"right" if it doesn't work.
I had/have to give the entire mess to Hashem.
But how do we do that?
The answer is to learn how to continuously focus
on living right - living for Hashem.
And that takes work and is what the 4th-12th
steps are all about: getting myself clean enough
for Hashem to shine through me. Mainly by
reducing ga'ava (haughtiness). The 3rd
step - which is the program's condition for
sanity and sobriety - is about one thing:
deciding to live for G-d. Not about resisting
temptation for G-d, and certainly not about
"not acting out". (But these steps cannot be
done successfully alone).
The Sfas Emes comments on the Pasuk:
"v'hyisem kedoshim leylokeichem -
and you should be holy for your G-d" that Hashem does not have any interest in
his people being
"Kedoshim". What He wants his people to be is:
"Kedoshim leylokeichem" -
holy for Him. Jews for Hashem!
If I am acting out, even occasionally, or even
if I'm just "slipping", my real malady is that I
have slipped back into living for myself.
And this needs quick correction. "Struggling
with lust" isn't the solution - it is a
symptom of the problem. Even I,
myself, am not the issue; in other
words, "how good I am" is irrelevant.
I've just got the wrong employer, that's all.
And nothing will "work", because I am an
addict. A regular yid can "make it". I
can't. And today, I thank G-d that I can't,
(because I have no choice but to learn not to
live for myself). How lucky can a man be?
A well-known vort:
"Ve'haboteyach baShem, chesed yisovevenhu -
He who trusts in G-d, kindness will surround
him". Even for one who is still a rasha;
as long as he attaches himself to Hashem with
trust, Hashem will connect with him with His
love/chesed.
So, whether we lust a little or a lot, is not
what the solution is about. It is about all the
other things that we thought were
not related to our acting out. Our
motivation for living is what matters,
not our motivations for acting out. Life
gets good in a hurry when we are living for the
right reasons, even if we are not doing it
perfectly.
The 3rd step is about a decision, a start. But
it has to be real. Chazal say that Hashem says,
"pischu li pesach kechudo shel machat, v'ani
eftach lochem pesach kepischo shel ulam -
open for me a hole the size of a needle, and I'll open it as
wide as the gate of the Ulam". Says the Kotzker, it may be small
but it has to be like a needle: all the way
through. Meaning: He doesn't ask for perfect,
just for "real".
If you are content with "winning one for the
Ribono shel Olam" (between losses for both of
you), gezunterheit. That has not been my
experience or understanding of the program - or
of recovery, at all.
Don't worry, Hashem won't mind you engaging in
some "enlightened self-interest" and leaving the
glory of beating the Yetzer Hara to a
pulp to others who are more qualified. (And
there are some, it seems). Hashem
really wants us to succeed at living a good
Jewish life after all, no? Well the only way I
could live, was by finally giving up the
romanticized struggle, and getting to work for
Hashem.
At some point, I had to admit that my whole
struggle and torture (of about 20 years) was
ultimately all about me deep
inside, really. Even though it was cloaked in
kedusha, Torah and Mitzvos, "for
Hashem", etc., it was all about me, me me.
Eventually, I saw that I was only fooling myself
and that I'd be the star-crossed, tragic loser
in the end. They'd be cheering for me at my
grave. "What a fighter he was". Wow.
In Adon Olam we say:
"Hashem li, velo iroh
-
Hashem is for me, I shall not fear".
He is for me. And I'm for Him. That is how we
approach the Yomin Nora'im: E-l-u-l
(Ani ledodi, ve'dodi li). If He is my
banner and my employer, then I have
absolutely nothing to be afraid of.
So to recap: It's not about lusting a
little bit or a lot, nor even all about staying
off the stuff altogether. Long-term sobriety
(and I assume that's what we're all interested
in) is not born solely of abstinence.
And after falling, getting back up and saying,
"Ok, I guess I can try it again" is not
necessarily the answer either. If you want a different life,
you will need to start living
differently. The focus cannot be on "stopping
the lust" while leaving the rest of your life
essentially the same. If the way I eat, sleep,
learn, daven, love my wife and kids, see myself
in a mirror, and breathe, have not changed an
iota, I believe the whole thing is B with an S
after it.
Now, living differently may take some time, but
that change had to be my focus. The
sobriety comes almost as an after thought - with
phone calls and lots of quiet "Hashem help me!"s
all day long, and meetings - where I got honest
and poured all my garbage and shame out of me
and into the light.
So, instead of worrying about slipping and
falling so much, how can we change the way we
are living the rest of our life so that
it's for Him (or at least for people
other than me?)
I love you, and all addicts.
- Dov |
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
For those who find it hard to find the
time to read through the GuardYourEyes
Handbooks, we will try and bring an excerpt each
day. In this way, everyone will have a chance to
go through the handbooks over time. Currently,
we are bringing daily excerpts from
the GYE Handbook, which presents 18 tools to
breaking free of Lust addiction in progressive
order.
Daily
excerpt from
the GYE Handbook
Excerpt #22
(Right-click the link and press "Save
Link/Target As" to download the e-Book)
Tool #6: Finding Alternative Fulfillment
(Part 2)
"False" fulfillment causes us to close up into
ourselves and slowly destroys our lives and our
souls. For those who can achieve it, obviously
the best type of fulfillment and joy comes from
a true connection with Hashem. This can be built
up through learning Torah with enjoyment, adding
Kedusha to one's life, and by seeking a
deeper connection with Yiddishkeit in
general. (See Chizuk e-mail #464 on
this page for more on this concept, and see
also what Rabbi Twerski writes in
this Hamodia). Torah is like water, and as
the author of
this story puts it, "We can't put out a fire
without water, even if we know it burns".
Other ideas to help us start living "outside of
ourselves" could include Chesed projects
or involvement in the community in various ways.
If you are a Bochur in Yeshiva, you might
try and get the job of organizing the Otzar
Haseforim, running a canteen, providing dry
cleaning services, haircuts, etc... If you are
not learning and also unemployed, get a job!
The main thing is to keep busy, reconnect with
the world around us and find fulfillment in a
variety of ways that will counteract the "false
fulfillment" that the addiction tries to provide
us with. |
|
|
591. |
Friday ~ 7 Tishrei, 5770 ~ September 25,
2009 |
|
In Today's Issue
-
The Marshmallow Experiment:
Enlightened Self-Interest
-
Testimonial: "Just a Yid"
-
The Annual GYE Appeal: We're getting there, help us close
the gap!
-
Anecdote of the Day: How Real is Hashem to You?
-
Link of the Day: Let go of your bags and JUMP!
-
Daily excerpts from
the GYE Handbook:
23: Tool #7 - Part 1
-------------------------------------------------------------- |
The Marshmallow Experiment
A older Bochur who is clean over a
year (see his story
here) wrote:
I heard a special thought about Teshuva that I
feel is exemplified by all of you on the
GuardYourEyes forum. On Yom Kippur, we read
the story of Ninveh. Yona tells Ninveh that
Hashem has decreed that Ninveh be overturned.
The potential meaning of this was twofold.
Either Ninveh repents and overturns their
previous actions by doing Teshuva, or Hashem
would have to literally overturn it. It was
Ninveh's choice as to how this overturning would
take place. Given the chance to interpret
Hashem's word, Ninveh used their opportunity to
overturn their ways.
Is there any greater Tshuva than that which is
done by the GYE group daily? We speak of using
our previously faulty faculties for positivity
in Teshuva. And that's what everyone here is
doing! Crying tears to counteract the times we
have abused our eyesight. Feeling remorse with a
broken heart to counteract our hearts leading us
astray. Strengthening others who are struggling.
Who has a better, more remarkable approach than
these admirable warriors who replace their
addiction to the illicit, with an addiction to
words of beauty, an addiction to the chizuk of
GYE and the closeness with Hashem that it
ensures. Do you feel that connection?
Sometimes it's so strong and overwhelming,
enough to make us cry in love and hope - in
appreciation for the power Hashem has granted us
to rise above.
I was recently enlightened about an on-line
study called the "Marshmallow Experiment" (with
footage). In it, children are given a
marshmallow and told that they can either eat it
immediately, or wait a few minutes, at which
point they will receive a second one. It was
fascinating, funny and interesting all at once,
but mostly it's scary. The children each take
their own approach to refrain from eating it
immediately, and some succeed in fully waiting
for the second. Some can't resist a nibble, and
some swallow it right away in one bite. Scarier
still, are how differently the lives of those
who were able to wait turned out. These
children, when interviewed at age 18, had
drastically more positive lives of growth and
emotional health in many areas.
We are those children. We need to refrain from
that enticing nibble, knowing that the sacrifice
is well worth it for the real connection that we
build with Hashem, every time, as our reward.
There is no greater feeling.
Motzei Yom Kippur, when the gates have closed at
the end of Neila, the wonderful, free, feeling
of closeness with our Creator, after days, weeks
and months of our labor, makes it clear that
there really just isn't any other option.
There is nothing else but us and Him. And
that is real Simcha.
Gmar Chasima Tova, and may we all be included in
the level of Tzadik Yesod Olam.
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Testimonial of the Day
Neither a Rasha nor a Tzadik...
"Just a Yid"
By
"Hoping"
Dear Chevra (and especially Guard),
The Rosh Hashana that I just had is incomparable
to any other that I had experienced in the past.
I still have a very long way to go, but I felt
that I have at least an opening in my life with
which I can relate to Hashem. It is not that I
am anywhere near where I should be, it is the
fact that I can honestly assess where I am right
now and make a commitment to improve. While
acting out with my addiction, I never was able
to look honestly at where I was. I felt like a
big Rasha mixed up with a Tzaddik. Now I know
that I am neither. Rather I am a Yid who is
trying to get closer to Hashem. Before, I was
not happy with who I was, always thinking that
if only I learned/davened better, I wouldn't
lust so much. I did not involve G-d too much; I
would do this on my own. Now, my life revolves
around Hashem. Not much has changed, yet
everything has changed. I have not entirely lost
my tendency towards lust, but my shemiras
ainayim is at a level that I have never kept
before. I have not suddenly begun to do
everything right, but I can honestly say to
Hashem that I am on the path to improvement and
that I am fully accepting Him as my Boss. This,
for me, was the first time that I was able to
mean it when I declared the Malchiyus of
Hashem on Rosh Hashana.
Thank you everyone. It is to you that I owe my
new lease on life.
Dov Replies:
I can live my whole life with with these
words!! Thank you!!
- Another fortunate yid |
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The Annual
Aseres Yimei Teshuvah Appeal
If you help others do Teshuvah, Hashem
will surely help you too - Midah Kineged
Midah!
To donate, please go to
www.guardyoureyes.org
and use the various PayPal options
on the right side of the page (scroll down).
GET IN YOUR PLEDGE BEFORE YOM-KIPPUR
Please help us reach our goal of $10k
~ Only
$2,658
left to get there! ~
If
you can't afford to donate right now, here are
SIX ideas:
1)
Make a pledge based on your own journey, as this
member wrote in:
"MY PLEDGE: I will give $5 to GYE for
everyday I stay clean until 90 days. That is $70
as of now, and hopefully it will be a total of
$450. Please daven for me and keep those great
chizuk e-mails coming! Thanks for all your
help".
2)
Make a pledge based on future income,
like this member wrote in to us:
"In response to your fundraising plea, I have
committed that any deals I get during a specific
time period will have a percentage allocated to
helping further your phenomenal work. This way
it will be a zechus for me, and a help for you
at the same time".
3)
Send us your pledge to allocate a certain
percentage of your Maaser this year to
GYE.
4)
Pledge now to donate (x amount) sometime during
the year, IF AND WHEN YOU CAN.
5) Help support GYE with your old STUFF!
Click here for more information.
6)
Send out
this attachment to friends and family and
ask them if they can donate. It will be
in your Zechus!
If you make these commitments now, you will
enter Yom Kippur with special merits for
Teshuvah in the areas of
Shmiras Habris
and
Shmiras Ainayim.
If you are unsure of how to donate anonymously
and get a tax deductible receipt,
send us an e-mail and we'll tell you how.
If you're not sure how to donate at all,
make a pledge anyway before Yom-Kippur, and
we'll contact you and figure out a way together!
So many Jews are trapped in these behaviors with
no idea that help is available. Here are some
other ways you can help GYE and spread the word:
1)
Print out
this flyer and hang it up in your
neighborhood shuls and bulletin boards
anonymously. Or sponsor an ad in your
community's local paper, using this flyer.
2)
Send us your e-mail contacts (address
books) and we'll send them all an anonymous
e-mail about our network. You could be saving
lives!
Here is a list of the donations we received so
far since the appeal started:
N.W:
$54
A.G:
$100
D.B:
$100
J.W:
$250
A.W:
$101
A.C:
$50
STN:
$36
- Pledge
L.M:
$72
C.G:
$10
A.P:
$360
Y.K:
$18
X 12
M.A:
$10
X 12
E.S:
$18
X 12
D.B:
$18
X 24
M.L:
$36
D.G:
$100
A.K:
$180
Y.L:
$400
(Collected through a friend)
A.T:
18
X 12
A.S:
$33
Y.T:
$100
M.P:
$50
E.K:
$36
J.R:
$500
E.Z:
$72
S.B:
$150
L.M:
$250
B.J:
$180
- Pledge
S.N:
$36
N.F:
$18
X 12
J.A:
$36
Y.L:
$350
S.T:
$18
M.C:
$36
S.C:
$36
A.K:
$100
M.W:
$18
X 12
- Pledge
J.S:
$100
N.R:
$100
I.D:
$18
X 12
New!
R.D:
$180
New!
Y.Y:
$450 -
Pledge of $5/day for 90 days
New!
J.K:
$70
New!
J.K:
$36
X 12
New!
H.G:
$50
New!
S.R:
$100
New!
M.C:
$18
New!
J.K:
$180
- Pledge
--------------------
$4604
+ another $2738 in future monthly payments (red "X"
above)
$7342
Total (so far)
Dear friends, this is a once a year appeal.
Please help us reach our goal of $10,000 before
the appeal ends on Erev Yom Kippur. This amount
will help tide us through until next year's
appeal, to pay for web development, advertising
and other costs! Please try and make monthly
commitments for the duration of the year. For
example, for only
$18 X 12
you will earn the title of "GYE Sponsor"!
It's Aseres Yimei Teshuvah now, and the
biggest Teshuvah is to help OTHERS do Teshuvah.
And that's what you're doing when you
help support GYE.
Thank you all, and Tizke Lemitzvos! May you be
inscribed in the book of LIFE and Living with
Hashem, and may you all see success in
Ruchniyus and Gashmiyus in the coming
year! |
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Anecdote of the day
"How Real is Hashem to You?"
A Story posted by Uri
All the Belzer chassidim were gathered for
the first night of slichos.
The Belzer Rebbe walked in and looked around.
"Where is Yankel the tailor?", he asked.
The chassidim next to him responded;
"We don't know. He's not here. Why?"
"Go get him. We're not starting slichos till
he comes."
"What?! Rebbe, there are 1000s of people
waiting to start slichos! We can't just hold
everyone for a tailor!"
"Well, we are about to. Go bring him,
please."
So the chassidim went to Yankele the tailor's
house to find him lying on the ground, drunk.
"Yankele, come to shul. The Rebbe is waiting
for you."
"But I'm drunk! How can I go to slichos like
this?"
"It doesn't matter. You have to come.
Everyone's waiting for you."
So Yankel picked himself up and walked with the
Rebbe's chassidim to shul.
When he came to the Rebbe, the Rebbe asked him:
"Tell me exactly the whole story of what
happened, ending in you getting drunk tonight."
So Yankele the tailor told his story...
I work with material.
I have a hard time getting by.
Then, a high ranking officer in the army had me
do some expensive work for him.
I was gonna finally have some money.
But he canceled half his order.
I said to Hashem:
"Hashem, you took away half my parnassa! From
now on, I'm only doing half the mitzvos!"
And I did.
I only put on one tefillin in the morning. I
only davened half of davening. I only washed one
hand. Etc...
And then the officer lessened his order again.
So I said to Hashem:
"Ok. Now I'm gonna do even less."
And I did.
After a while, I realized that this is a bad
cycle to be in.
So I said to Hashem:
"Hashem, let's make up. I'll start doing all
the mitzvos again, and you give me my full
parnassa. Okay?"
And then I did as all close friends do, when
they make up.
I made a le'chaim.
I sat down at my table and poured two shots.
"To a long and loving relationship, Hashem!
Lechaim!"
"Hashem, You didn't drink Your shot!"
So I drank it for Him.
And tell me, is one lechaim enough for the King
of Kings?!
So I poured one lechaim after another, till I
finished the whole bottle!
And that's why I was lying on the floor drunk
tonight.
The Belzer Rebbe gave Yankel a big hug.
"You, my holy yid, are standing next me to
tonight when we say slichos.
Because you have a relationship with Hashem.
You talk to Him.
You love Him.
And He is real to you.
So I want to be with you at this crucial
time."
That story made me cry for some reason.
Hope you like it.
- Uri |
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
For those who find it hard to find the
time to read through the GuardYourEyes
Handbooks, we will try and bring an excerpt each
day. In this way, everyone will have a chance to
go through the handbooks over time. Currently,
we are bringing daily excerpts from
the GYE Handbook, which presents 18 tools to
breaking free of Lust addiction in progressive
order.
Daily
excerpt from
the GYE Handbook
Excerpt #23
(Right-click the link and press "Save
Link/Target As" to download the e-Book)
Tool #7: Cutting Down
(Part 1)
If you've tried the steps above and you still find
that the addiction is controlling you and
causing frequent falls, it could be helpful to
apply the battle-tactic of conquering and
securing one territory at a time, instead
of trying to conquer everything at once.
Our sages have said:
"There is a small
organ in a man, if one feeds it - it is hungry,
if one starves it - it is satiated".
This is a very important Yesod to keep in
mind, and it shows how much our Sages understood
the nature of this addiction.
We can make ourselves red lines and try to cut
down as much as we can. If we would act out
every day until now, we can try - for
starters - to cut it down only to once
every two days. If it used to be twice a week,
we can try cutting it down to once a week. Or we
can try making a strong resolution for a period
of time, that besides for, say, one particular
day of the week, we will not even consider
acting out, no matter what. As we do this and
learn to cut down more and more, we will find
that "the less
we feed it, the less we need it".
(See
this page for more on this Yesod).
This tactic also teaches us not to use the
addiction as an "escape mechanism" anymore. Very
often, the subconscious reason that we became
addicted in the first place was that we began to
use the addiction as a kind of "escape" from the
harsh - or difficult-to-deal-with realities of
life. We used the addiction to sooth ourselves
and medicate our feelings. But once we start to
draw red lines and cut down on these behaviors
with hard work and determination, we force
ourselves to no longer instinctively use
the behaviors to "escape" into ourselves. This
causes a gradual change in our thinking that
ultimately makes it much easier to break free
completely. |
|
|
592. |
Sunday ~ Erev Yom Kippur ~ 9 Tishrei, 5770 ~
September 27, 2009 |
|
In Today's Issue
-
Inspiring Testimonials:
Lifnei Mi Atem Mitaharim
-
The Last Day of the GYE Appeal: Last chance to get in those merits!
-
Anecdote of the Day: Sh'ma Yisrael!
-
Filters: Don't leave an atom-bomb lying around!
-
Adam Yesodo Me'Afar:
Yom Kippur we face the hard TRUTH.
-------------------------------------------------------------- |
Some Inspiring Testimonials
Today is the
last day of our annual Aseres Yimei Teshuva
Appeal (see below). It's still not too late to
get in your pledge and enter Yom-Kippur with
special merits to be zoche to true
Teshuva in the area of
Shmiras Habris and
Shmiras Ainayim. By helping others do Teshuvah you
are showing Hashem you are truly sincere, and
Hashem will surely help you too - Midah
Kineged Midah!
Again, we would like to bring some very
inspiring testimonials that we received in
recent days:
R.J wrote in today:
A few months ago when I was reading the
testimonials, I cried, because I was 100% sure
that I would never be able to write one of
those, and that I was be living in the grasps
of giluy arayot and the yezter hara for the rest
of my life!!!!. But with much hakarat hatov to
GYE and to the sponsor that you set me up with,
I have been able to stay away from the dark side
for already a few weeks, and I am now starting
to feel a calmness come over me as I do my best
to pull free from the grips of sin. This is the
furthest I have come in over a year. When I feel
weak, I pick up the phone and hear from someone
who has "been there, done that", and he pulls me
from the false reality of pleasure and sin and
into the true reality of real life. This Yom
Kippur I feel I can stand before Hashem and ask
for his rachamim based on how far I have come,
thanks to Reb Guard and my new holy "friend".
"I Love Hashem" (A Bochur) wrote today:
I am holding by 22 days clean. Hashem just sent
me a really hard test now, but I read what you
just sent me (at least five times!), and now I'm
feeling better. Thanks. My Rosh Yeshiva said
today in the name of R' Yerucham, that we small
people reach Yom Kippur with lorries full with
sin, and we really need many days Yom Kippur for
all that. So he suggests that a person take one
sin that he's really struggling with, and at the
end of Yom Kippur when we are on the highest
level of purity, we should imagine as if we are
at the height of passion to sin and instead we
say "no", for Hashem's sake we are going to
overcome it. That is the best teshuva, and
Hashem will automatically forgive us for all our
sins. I could imagine how that felt right now,
when I was tested. Hopefully I will reach ninety
days. This site has really helped me, including
the daily emails. I have no words to describe
how they are helping me little by little. Every
day I eagerly await to receive these emails.
~ "Struggle" writes:
When I found GYE a few months ago, I was in a
bad place, and I was falling down a spiral
staircase, banging my head along the way.
I reached out to grab a hold of anything that
would keep me from falling off the edge of the
bottom stair. I could see it coming and it was
scary...
I looked for something, I don't even remember
what I was searching for, and I found GYE!! What
a HUG from Hashem!
~ "Trying" Responds:
Along the same lines; a few months ago I was in
Israel for a bit and felt wonderful. I hadn't
been there for 4 years. When I visited the Kotel
the last time, I couldn't stop crying. I didn't
want to leave. I asked Hashem how he can let me
back to this place of Tumah? I couldn't imagine
sinning, yet I knew I would. I knew this
inspiration will evaporate and as soon as I'm
back on my computer, everything will fly out the
window. I was hugging the wall with all my
strength, trying not to let go... wanting to
stay there my whole life... But alas, it was
parting time. I sobbed and told Hashem that he
knows the truth. There is no way I can withstand
the temptations. He will have to help me, from
somewhere... somehow... and then, as soon as I
came back, I FOUND GYE!
~ "ClearEyes613" writes:
I carry GYE around with me, literally in my
pocket. This, for me, has been instrumental in
fighting my addiction.
"Shvisi Hashem l'negdi tamid" - the principal idea is the first thing brought down in the
shulchan aruch for a reason. When I acted out I
would consciously or subconsciously push, hide,
or ignore Hashem. How else can we view those
images on the screen for hours on end? Today, I
may not be at the level of "shevisi Hashem" but
I can tell you that "shevisi GYE l'negdi
tamid" has been a lifesaver.
~ "Rage at the Machine" writes:
I am a few hours away from completing an
entire niddah cycle clean... I have not done
that once before (in 8 years of marriage)... I
know that at (not even) 30 days clean I am still
a nobody but I think I may have at least let go
of the "sheretz" and I am ready for the mikva...
THANK YOU GYE, THANK YOU GUARD, AND THANK YOU
EVERYONE ON THIS FORUM.... I don't know what
Hashem has in store for me this Yom Kippur, but
for the good people at GYE I'm sure it's going
to be all sweetness...
~ "On the Road" writes:
I have been spending a lot of time on the site
and felt maybe I was neglecting some things that
I need to do for parnasa. But in truth, were I
not spending the time here, I'd be spending
double the amount of time on p**n. I feel so
remorseful for the times I told my good and
honest wife that I was 'stuck at work' 'in the
middle of something' 'coming soon', when I was
really feeding my own selfishness.
If I were 21 again, I would have hoped to join a
forum like GYE and save myself many years of
pain and heartache.
~ J.K Wrote ~
Keep the chizuk coming! It is literally
lifesaving medication for some (including this
humble writer!)
Bl"n I pledge $180 in 2 payments via money
orders.
All the love in the world together with my
deepest prayers for you and yours!
You are inscribed in the Book of Life because
you are the Book of Life itself!!!!
~ Habib613 wrote today: ~
Thank you for everything!! There are
simply no words. I wish there were, then I could
say them. So for now, thank you is going to have
to be enough.
~ "Me3" wrote today: ~
Every person on this site, No matter how
long they have been clean, no matter how many
times they fell, are engaged in fighting their
y"h. They are not sitting passively. They don't
always win, but they are fighting. And that is
exactly what Hashem wants from us.
And we have Guard to thank for enabling us.
Pretty much everybody here is more successful in
this battle since they found this site.
Rabbeinu Guard, can you bentch us? It's Erev Yom
Kippur after all.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Rabbosai, I just came back from the
Kever of Shmuel Hanavi where I
davened for everyone on the e-mail lists and
forums to see success in their struggle this
year, and learn how to give over their hearts to
Hashem. I begged Hashem that GYE should continue
to grow until every Yid who struggles in these
areas in today's "world-gone-mad" should find
hope - and the tools and support that they need
to break free from the grasp of the Yetzer Hara
and grow closer to Hashem.
Rabbosai, if there are any Gezeiros
against Klal Yisrael this year - Chas
Veshalom, I am sure that GYE as a whole; all
the Ahavas Yisrael, all the pain of
saying "no", all the Teshuvah, all the yearning
for Hashem; will all stand before the Kisai
Hakavod and chase away the prosecuting
angels!
May Hashem truly give us a new heart to serve
Him, and may we all merit to learn how to truly
live for Him in all we do. May everyone
on GYE, along with all of Klal Yisrael, be
inscribed in the book of life; true life;
life of eternal divine closeness! Amen. |
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
THE LAST DAY
For the Annual
Aseres Yimei Teshuvah
Appeal
Until the end of Ne'ila you can still get in your pledge and
tell Hashem, "I pledge such and such an amount
to GYE to help other Yidden do Teshuvah.
Please, in this zechus, help me to do a real
Teshuvah in this area too".
To donate, please go to
www.guardyoureyes.org
and use the various PayPal options
on the right side of the page (scroll down).
Please help us reach our goal of $10k
~ Only
$2,615
left to get there! ~
If
you can't afford to donate now, here are 6
different ideas:
1)
Make a pledge based on your own journey, as this
member wrote in:
"MY PLEDGE: I will give $5 to GYE for
everyday I stay clean until 90 days. That is $70
as of now, and hopefully it will be a total of
$450. Please daven for me and keep those great
chizuk e-mails coming! Thanks for all your
help".
2)
Make a pledge based on future income,
like this member wrote in to us:
"In response to your fundraising plea, I have
committed that any deals I get during a specific
time period will have a percentage allocated to
helping further your phenomenal work. This way
it will be a zechus for me, and a help for you
at the same time".
3)
Send us your pledge to allocate a certain
percentage of your Maaser this year to
GYE.
4)
Pledge now to donate (x amount) sometime
during the year, IF AND WHEN YOU CAN.
5) Help support GYE with your old STUFF!
Click here for more information.
6)
Send out
this attachment to friends and family and
ask them if they can donate. It will be
in your Zechus!
If you are unsure of how to donate anonymously
and get a tax deductible receipt,
send us an e-mail and we'll tell you how.
If you're not sure how you can donate at
all,
make a pledge anyway before Yom-Kippur and
we'll contact you and figure out a way together!
So many Jews are trapped in these behaviors with
no idea that help is available. Here are some
other ways you can help GYE and spread the word:
1)
Print out
this flyer and hang it up in your
neighborhood shuls and bulletin boards
anonymously. Or sponsor an ad in your
community's local paper using this flyer.
2)
Send us your e-mail contacts
(address book) and we'll send them an anonymous
e-mail about our network. You could be saving
lives!
Here is a list of the donations we received so
far since the appeal started:
Dear friends, this is a once a year appeal.
Please help us reach our goal of $10,000 before
the appeal ends TODAY. This amount will help
tide us through until next year's appeal, to pay
for web development, advertising and other
costs! Please try and make monthly commitments
for the duration of the year. For example, for
only
$18 X 12 you will earn the title of "GYE Sponsor"!
The biggest Teshuvah is to help OTHERS do
Teshuvah. And that's what you're doing
when you help support GYE.
Thank you all, and Tizke Lemitzvos! May you be
inscribed in the book of LIFE and Living with
Hashem, and may you all see success in
Ruchniyus and Gashmiyus in the coming
year! |
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Anecdote of the day
Sh'ma Yisrael
Posted by "On the Road"
Rav Tzvi Hersh Meisels was a Baal Tokea
- a skilled shofar blower. Before being sent to
Auschwitz, Rav Meisels was a Rav in Hungary -
the Veitzner Rav. When he was deported, he
somehow managed to smuggle a Shofar into
Auschwitz.
On one Rosh Hashana, he managed to blow Shofar
for men who were going to a labor transport. He
describes how he had managed to blow Shofar more
than 20 times, reaching some 1,000 men; and he
was exhausted. But then his son Zalman Leib who
was there with him, told him about another
transport. There were some 1,400 boys who had
been locked up in one of the blocs and they had
been condemned not to a labor camp, but to the
crematorium. These boys had found out that
somewhere in Aushwitz there was a man who had a
Shofar. Through a variety of messengers, they
pleaded for Rav Maisels to come into the bloc
where they were waiting to be murdered, and to
blow the Shofar for them before they died. He
did not know what to do. It was clear to him
that if he went into the bloc, he might never
get out. It was definitely a question of
Pikuach Nefesh - life and death, and those
whom he consulted with told him that he was not
obligated to go in and blow the Shofar. His son
Zalman Leib begged him not to go into the bloc.
Rabbi Meisels began trying to find out what it
would entail to fulfill their last request.
First, he had to get permission to go into the
bloc. He did this by bribing the Kapos (the
Jewish overseers who stayed alive by serving as
guards for the Nazis). The Kapos made it clear
that if the SS men should arrive and find Rav
Meisels among the boys, he would inevitably be
added to their numbers - 1,401 to the
crematorium. Not withstanding the nature of the
danger, R' Meisels decided to go into the bloc
to blow Shofar for these condemned souls.
These are his words to describe the scene that
unfolded:
"Where is the pen and who is the writer who
can transcribe the emotions of my heart as I
entered the bloc. I met the sea of eyes of the
youngsters who pressed forward to kiss my hand
and my clothes. They cried with bitter tears and
wailing voices to the heart of heaven".
And then he describes that he blew the shofar
and as he was about to leave, one boy stood up
and cried out, "Dear friends, for the sake of
Hashem, my brothers, let us not forget in our
last moments to cry out 'Shema Yisrael' with
fervent devotion". And then with heart
rendering voices and with great enthusiasm they
all cried out 'Shema Yisrael, HaShem Elokeinu,
HaShem Echad!'...
As I read it, tears gathered in my eyes.. We too
are damned by addiction. Suffocating in a
spiritual crematorium. Poisoned by the gas
chambers of p**nography. It burns us from
within, killing us slowly, slower than an oven.
And perhaps the emotional anguish of watching
oneself lose control of their life and finances
is just the first step to a life of even more
serious acting out and life threatening
behaviors.
Although Hashem's plan for these 1,400 boys was
hidden from us, His plan for our generation is
very obvious. We can be saved. The door
can be opened to a bright life of being clean,
if we hear the call. Let us remember these boys
on this Yom Kippur. We too can recite 'Shema
Yisroel' and call out to Hashem with all our
hearts!
May Hashem wipe clean our slates and inscribe us
all for a new year of TRUE LIFE. |
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Do you have a strong filter installed?
Yom Kippur can only atone for sins that we
do Teshuvah for, but if we continue to
hold on to the "Sheretz", can we ask
Hashem to purify us? Doing teshuvah means
"letting go" of the sins, and making fences so
that we don't inevitably fall again...
It was written in
the news yesterday that Betar Ilit, one of
the most ultra-Orthodox cities in the world, had
a large gathering of Rabbanim who banned open
internet use. In the words of HaRav Tzvi
Braverman, one of Betar's main Rabbanim:
"Fifty percent of the problems in the city -
sholom bayis and chinuch habonim - stem from the
Internet. There is a hidden blaze in the city.
An atom bomb underneath the city".
Rabbosai, if this can be said of Betar Ilit, how
much more is true in Jewish homes throughout the
world!
Get your filter installed before Yom-Kippur and
give the password away to someone else to
hold.
Learn one reliable way to do this - with
step-by-step instructions - on
this page - or see our
filter section for over 20 filter
options, great links and advice.
LET'S SHOW HASHEM THAT WE MEAN BUSINESS THIS
YEAR!! |
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Adam Yesodo Me'Afar
We all know the truth. We all die. We are
nothing but flesh, blood, veins and bones; here
today, dust tomorrow. Our eyeballs are delicate
balls of mushy fluid. And the objects of our
desires are also flesh, blood and veins. If we
could see what is underneath the thin layer of
skin that covers these sacks of blood, we would
want to vomit. Yet this is what our eyeballs -
and the white mush in our brains - make us run
after all year long. This is what our addiction
makes us slaves to! Is it for this we have sold
our souls? Gevald! What a farce!
How pathetic we are when we make our physical
aspects dominant over our spiritual souls. When
we sin, we are using a body that don't belong
to us, to chase after imaginary pleasure with
other bodies that don't belong to us
- nor to them! (After all, if anyone
belonged to themselves, could Hashem take their
bodies away from them whenever he so desired?)
If bad thoughts come to us on Yom-Kippur, let us
imagine the object of our desires cut up into
pieces, the two legs torn off and laid alongside
a legless body; guts and bones protruding. For
this is all the Yetzer Hara really is; a big
bubble of hot air and imagination. (And yes, we
need to fight dirty sometimes - with a
menuval who fights even dirtier - on
the holiest day of the year).
Yom Kippur is that one day a year when we reveal
the FARCE of our bodies for what it really is.
On Yom Kippur we say, "ENOUGH IS ENOUGH" to our
bodies. We don't feed it, and we afflict it in
five different ways. On Yom Kippur we rise ABOVE
our bodies and connect completely with our souls
- and with Hakadosh Baruch Hu.
Know, my friends, that the desires we have are
really the yearnings of our souls for a true and
deep connection with Hashem, for the true safety
and comfort of His loving embrace. But the
"mushy white-matter" in our brains messes up
these signals and tricks us into believing that
we will find all that we are looking for by
running after lust. Many foolish men spend their
lives chasing this ever-elusive comfort and
"connection", continuously sure that they will
find it in their "next" fix....
Let us realize that ONLY HASHEM HIMSELF can
truly fill the deep yearnings of our souls. Let
us return to the warm and loving embrace of
Hashem and tell him on this Yom-Kippur:
Hashem, we don't want ANYTHING ELSE but you,
dear Father, forever more! |
|
|
593. |
Tuesday ~ 11 Tishrei, 5770 ~ September 29,
2009 |
|
Yakov and the Stolen Brachos
Our journey from Rosh Hashana to Sukkos
A fascinating and beautiful Zohar (Raya
Me'heimna) that is read before Tekiyas
Shofar in many kehillos:
On Rosh Hashana, Yitzchak (representing the
aspect of judgement) calls his son Esav
(representing the Satan) and asks him to bring
to taste from the food of the people of the
world, each person, according to his ways. For
at that time
"and his eyes were dimmed of sight", for out of him (the aspect of judgement) came the one who
darkens the face of all creations (the Satan).
And Yitzchak goes and sits on the seat of
judgment, and he calls Esav and tells him to
"hunt for me a catch and make for me
delicacies as I like, and bring it to me". And Rivka, tells her son Yakov (the
aspect of mercy), the beloved of her soul, given
to her from the first day of creation, and she
commands him to awaken HIS delicacies.
And Yakov awakens from below, dressed in prayers
and supplications.
"And the voice is the voice of Yakov",
through the Shofar that goes up. And Yakov
awakens and comes before Yitzchak. And he gives
him to eat and they become one with each other.
And then Yakov brings him wine - that guarded
wine that brings gladness to the heart,
representing the World to Come. And then
Yitzchak
"smells the fragrance of his clothes";
the prayers that go up and the supplications,
and he blesses him. And the fire of anger
(intensity of the judgement) is quieted, and his
heart is happy and all becomes "mercy", since
Yitzchak becomes included in Yakov. And Yisrael
leave from the judgement with happiness and
blessings....
"And Yakov has just left"
on this day (Rosh Hashana) in happiness and
blessings from above, when Esav comes in with
his catch, loaded down with all the deeds of
the world. And he too makes delicacies,
sharpening his tongue to prosecute and preparing
witnesses. And he comes to his father (the
aspect of judgement) and says
"get up, father", awaken the judgment and eat from all the
bad deeds of the world that I have found.
"And a great fear falls upon Yitzchak",
for he cannot separate himself from being
included in Yakov in happiness. And he says,
"who was just here - with his catch of prayers and
supplications -
and I ate from it all before you came, and I
blessed him, he too should be blessed".
"And when Esav hears the words of Yitzchak his father, he
cries a great cry",
for he sees that all his catch is worthless.
"And Esav guards anger against Yakov", to go after him and prosecute against him always. And Yakov
runs, in those days between Rosh Hashana and Yom
Kippur, to be saved from Esav's (the Satan's)
wrath. He repents (for 10 days) and sits in
fasting on Yom-Kippur when
"Yakov sees Esav coming with 400 men", these are all the prosecutors ready to prosecute against him.
And
"Yakov fears a great fear and affliction", and he increases his prayers and
supplications.
"And Yakov says, 'Oh G-d of my father Avraham,
and the G-d of my father Yitzchak', etc.."
Until he takes a plan for himself and says
"I shall redeem his face with a present that
goes before me. And he took from what he had a
present for Esav, 200 goats, etc..." (the Zohar says elsewhere that the
Sa'ir Hamishtale'ach - the goat that is
tossed off the cliff carrying our sins, is a
"present" to the Satan on Yom Kippur, so that he
should leave us alone and not prosecute against
us).
When Esav receives this gift, he becomes the
protector of Yakov and offers to go along with
him. But Yakov doesn't want "neither his honey
nor his sting", and he tells Esav
"to go on before him"...
"And on that day (Yom-Kippur),
Esav returns to his way". When? At the time of Ne'ilah; he
separates himself from the holy nation. And
Hashem forgives the sins of His children and is
Mechaper on them, since the prosecutor
goes away with his present (satisfied) and
separates himself from His children. And then
Hashem wants to rejoice with his children.
What is written after that?
"And Yakov traveled to Sukkos and built himself
a house" ... "And therefore, he called the place
Sukkos". And when they (Klal Yisrael) sit in the Sukka, they have been
saved from the prosecutors, and Hakadosh Baruch
Hu rejoices with his children. Happy is their
lot in this world and the next!
Rabbosai, we are now traveling to "Sukkos"...
The prosecutors have left us, and Hashem wishes
to rejoice with us! We are traveling now, which
means we are outdoors, sweating, building,
working, until we get to Sukkos in a few short
days.
May we all merit to keep ourselves clean, far
away from Esav i.e. the Satan and his
prosecutors, as we travel towards Sukkos to
rejoice with Hashem!
(The Chizuk e-mails in the coming days will be a
little shorter than usual i.e. without excerpts
from the handbooks and other miscellaneous
add-ons, because we are all busy traveling to "Sukkos"). |
The King's Muddy Children
On Erev Yom Kippur "Trying" posted:
This is very hard for me to say, since I'm
dead embarrassed. But secrecy keeps
strengthening the addiction, so here goes. I
fell again last night. Yes, I know it's Erev Yom
Kippur. I don't know how I'll even go to shul. I
just want everyone to know how pathetic, crazy
and stupid I am. And, oh yes, I will have a
broken heart on Yom Kippur. Broken into hundred
pieces, if that counts for anything. I feel so
far from Hashem.
After some encouragement by e-mail and on
the forum, "Trying" posted:
Guard wrote me an e-mail, and I quote, "Hashem
doesn't need you to be clean. He needs your
heart. That's why he gave you this whole
struggle. And davka when the heart is broken,
the most beautiful connection with Hashem can be
made!"
It's true. So true. He's so right. So I'll just
give Hashem my broken heart. Cuz I don't have
anything else. Only he can make it whole again.
I just realized what a gift Yom-Kippur is! There
is this whole day put aside just to get closer
to my father. Hashem gives us a day, free from
ALL other obligations, so we can dedicate it
specially for him! We can repent, or just cry to
him. And that's all he wants. I can't wait to
daven and spend the day in shul. I won't let the
past weigh me down. Now there's only the
present, and I'll use it in the best way
possible.
Here's what "Trying" wrote this morning
(after Yom-Kippur):
Hi everyone. Yom kippur was special. I
didn't feel that way in a long time. It finally
hit me that Yom Kippur was meant for me;
for people who make mistakes; for people who
sometimes have clouded judgments; for people who
can let the Yetzer Hara take advantage of them;
for people who can do terrible things, yet they
still try. Deep inside, they still want to do
the right thing. That's who Yom Kippur is
made for. (Who else? For Tzadikim? What do
they need it for?)
Yom Kippur is to tell Hashem; 'that was not
the real me'. This is. The one
who is fasting and begging you to forgive. The
one who only wants to stay in shul, enveloped by
Kedusha forever.
Ahh, but that's not what the Yetzer Hara wants
you to believe. The real feat is going out
after Yom-Kippur and bringing the Yom-Kippur
with you.
The Yetzer Hara was attempting to withhold this
precious day from me. He wanted that I should be
SO discouraged that I wouldn't be able to daven.
But in defiance, I did. I davened for a whole
year that I didn't. I davened that Hashem should
take the Yetzer Hara from me, cuz he's too
strong and I can't overcome him. I davened that
this year I should merit to come closer to Him.
I told Him that I know it's chutzpah to
assume that all has been forgiven, and even to
ask for the future. But He's my father and I'm
sure He'll forgive. He'll understand.
I heard a parable of a king who sent his two
sons out on a walk. Prior to leaving, he dressed
them in beautiful clothes as befits children of
royalty, and he warned them many times not to
get dirty. He stressed the significance of them
appearing dignified at all times so that they
shouldn't shame him. A few hours passed, and by
evening both sons returned. Children are
children; they had neglected their clothes and
were full of mud and dirt. One son was so
embarrassed that he couldn't face his father,
and he ended up getting a huge reprimand. But
the other son came to his father and started
crying bitterly, "You see father, I tried
remembering what you said, but sometimes it was
so hard. All the other children were playing in
the sand and your words didn't seem so important
anymore. At other times, I was so into what I
was doing, I actually forgot what you said. I
tried cleaning myself off, yet inevitably I
would mess up again. I wanted to obey your
rules, but it was so hard. I'll try better next
time father, I promise".
"It's Ok", said the father, hugging him
tightly. "I knew you'd mess up, I just wanted
you to try. I already prepared a new set of
fresh warm clothes for you, after you take a
shower. Come inside, my dear son"...
It was like the Machzor was written for me. I
didn't need any extra words. It was all there.
It couldn't have been said any better/nicer.
Thank you Hashem for the gift of Yom-Kippur; for
having given us this wonderful opportunity!
Uri responds to Trying's post:
What a beautiful post! I'm
sitting by my computer trying to pull the
strength together to head to Shacharis and you
just gave it to me. Today's Shacharis by Uri is
in Trying's z'chus!! Thank you. |
|
|
594. |
Wednesday ~ 12 Tishrei, 5770 ~ September 30,
2009 |
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Yom Kippur's Over - Now What?"
By Duvid Chaim
Moderator of the
12-Step Big-Book
Study Group
Chevra, How many of you are
asking yourself this question?
After all, we just completed 40
Days of Teshuva; first kicking off the process
of "return" at the beginning of Elul, followed
by the humbling experience of Coronating the
King at Rosh Hashana, and then wrapping up the
"10 Days" with Yom Kippur - achieving levels of
praying, crying, fasting and personal
introspection like no other time of the year.
If there's any time of the year that we're going
to "feel like an Angel" then it's now.
But if you're like me, your
asking yourself, "How
am I going to stay on this lofty level now
that Yom Kippur is over? Can I just head back
into my day to day routines, whether at work, at
home or in my community and not expect to be
confronted with my "struggles"?
Certainly, they'll be people out there
or situations that arise that upset me or make
me worried. Or maybe I'll catch a glimpse of
something attractive on the street, on the
internet or out there that will be like a
"tractor beam" - and I'll be sucked into this
pit of the old familiar way of behaving".
"Who am I fooling after all? Yes,
I wore white all Yom Kippur and I overcame my
thirst and hunger and I told G-d that I regret
my sins and told Him that I didn't want to do
them again. But how can
I expect G-d to believe me if I don't even
believe myself???"
The answer to this dilemma came
to me totally out of the blue in one of my A&W
moments ("Awe & Wonder moments" are moments
where we try to see Hashem in our life),
first thing this morning, when I was quietly
learning by myself in the Beis Medrash and
suddenly in walks a man who rarely davens by my
Shul. And since he is also a doctor, I don't
think I've ever seen him come sit and learn in
the morning.
But I could tell he wanted to
share something with me when he approached and
said he wanted to show me what he had just read
in Ramchal's Mesillas Yesharim on the
second page of the chapter on "Watchfulness".
The Ramchal points out that one of the Yetzer
Hara's most clever weapons against us is to keep
us too busy. That's it, and it's that
simple! The Ramchal quotes Shmos 5:9 where
Pharoah said, "Intensify the men's labors"... His
intention was not to merely deprive them of all
leisure so that they wouldn't oppose him, but he
strove to strip their hearts..."
The Ramchal is teaching us that
the way that the Yetzer knocks us off our lofty
platform; especially after a Yom Kippur, is to
push us right back in the "real world" with all
of its pressures and demands. The phone is
ringing, the mail needs to be opened, the emails
are piling up - everyone needs our attention and
they need it now. It's no wonder we fall so
quickly from our angelic high! Who's got time
to think about how far we've come in the past 40
days? Who's got time to daven the first Shachris
on Tuesday at a pace that we enjoyed just the
day before? Who's got time to feel today?
I'M TOO BUSY TO FEEL. Leave me alone so I can
fix the World - after all, it can't survive
without me!
And there it is - THE
TRAP - Just stay busy!
You can imagine how fortunate I
felt getting this message from someone who is
practically a stranger and at such an
appropriate time. It didn't come to me for no
reason.
So, Chevra, my goal is to know my
enemy - the Yetzer Hara - and not let him trap
me in his web - to not let him break my Connection with
Hashem - to not let him bury myself underneath
layers and layers of daily pressures. Instead,
I'm going to outsmart him by simply Pausing,
yes just pausing as often as possible today, to
look around and appreciate the wonders of
the world and of my unique and special life.
I'm going to just appreciate all of my
blessings; health, livelihood, family and Torah.
And by pausing, I'm going to feel... and
I'm going to stay connected... connected to
family, friends, and most importantly to
the Source of all Good.
And now I know what to do after
Yom Kippur.
Shana Tova,
Duvid Chaim |
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Duvid Chaim's Last Call
By "Momo"
Momo often posts on the forum a summary
of Duvid Chaim's daily calls (read all the
summaries
over here).
Here is Momo's summary from the last call of
Duvid Chaim's current cycle, which ended before
Yom Kippur. Being the last call of this series,
it was a summary session of all 13 weeks. There
are some very profound points here that we can
all learn from, in regards to how to relate to
our addiction.
-
In our childhood we felt pain, we hid from
it and pretended it wasn't there. As a
result, we disconnected ourselves from
ourselves, from the world and from HaShem.
We isolated ourselves. We hid and soothed
ourselves with our "drug of choice", in our
case, lust.
-
We need to start being aware of who we are,
reconnect ourselves to the world and to
HaShem. We can "reconnect" by allowing
ourselves to start feeling joy/pain/loss.
Don't go through life as a robot or zombie.
Stop reacting to everything that triggers or
upsets you.
-
Teshuva is not changing ourselves, rather it
is returning to the way we were when HaShem
made us (when we were born).
-
It's time for us to put away our "toys",
grow up and "get real".
-
I'm here to serve the world and see HaShem's
hand in it, and to connect to Him. The world
isn't here to serve me.
-
Awareness of who we are and what drives us
means we are in recovery, even if we
aren't 100% clean. We should be aware that
we act out because we lust. And we lust
because we feel R.I.D. (restlessness,
irritability and discontent). We feel R.I.D
because of our egos; we are selfish. We
think we are the center of the world. We
think we are in control. We think the world
owes us. We think that if something
doesn't go "our way" we are entitled to get
upset. We push G-d aside when we lust.
-
The answer is to realize we are powerless of
our addiction and not in control of our
lives. HaShem is the driver. I should do His
will, not mine. It's all good since it's all
G-d, all the time! Surrender to HaShem. Be
selfless. Help and constantly think of
other people. Get out of your head.
Whenever you go somewhere, don't think,
"what can I get out of the
situation?", rather, "what can I do
to help others?"
-
Quality of sobriety is more important than
quantity. A few days feeling connected to
HaShem is more important than weeks of
unconnected clean days.
-
Be happy! Nobody can take your place in this
world. Become a friend with yourself; begin
to like who you are.
Thank you Momo, for the beautiful
summaries. And thank you Duvid Chaim for leading
this wonderful group of sincere Yidden for the
past 13 weeks! |
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
New 12-Step Group Starting Rosh Chodesh Cheshvan,
Oct 19
Are you finding it too difficult to make a
face-to-face
SA meeting?
Do you want to be part of a fellowship of a
small group of religious men who share your
struggle?
Are you concerned about privacy and anonymity,
but you know that you would benefit by working a
12 Step Program?
GuardYourEyes is proud to offer an In-depth B'Iyun 12
Step Big Book Study Lunch & Learn.
Led by Duvid Chaim, an experienced 12 Step
Program Sponsor and "Bucky", for those
who are unable or unwilling to make a face to
face meetings.
The Big Book Study Lunch & Learn (BBSL&L) uses
the traditional and proven format used by
millions of 12 Step sponsors and sponsees who
have, with G-d's help, found recovery and
freedom from their addiction.
Mark you calendars - The Big Book Study Group
Lunch & Learn will be departing for another
Cruise through the 12 Steps on October 19th.
This time the Cruise will be even better, thanks
to our new "Crew" - The graduates of our last
Cruise! Please invite anyone you know on Board.
See
this page for more details on the group. |
|
|
595. |
Thursday ~ 13 Tishrei, 5770 ~ October 1,
2009 |
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A Few Choice Quotes from Dov
Posted yesterday on
the forum
Daily Dose of Dov
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I thought about all the forum
people that I could remember during shacharis
this Yom Kippur. It was the best part, as far as
I am concerned.
It's funny, but there is only one tefillah
during which I get a "second wind" and take a
long time during "elokai, netzor" to go
through all the people I know, one by one. It
seems that no matter how much my feet were
aching before, during that one shmoneh esrei
each Yom Kippur, I don't feel them at all! At
the end of talking to Him about all the people,
I never want to leave, if you know what I mean,
and just stay there saying nothing for a while.
I hope He isn't bored of me then.
Love to you and everybody else here who I know
of and don't yet know of (es hagluyim lanu
ve'es she'einam gluyim lanu)!!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
It says in Tehhilim,
"im esak shomayim shom otoh"
:
Hashem, even if I go way up to the heavens, You
are there!
"va'atziya she'ol, hinechoh"
:
But if I descend to the pit, here You are!"
This emphasis was taught to me by Rabbi Mendel
Feldman, Olov haSholom.
So, maybe it's not so bad to feel far from
Hashem... It doesn't mean that He is far
from you. In fact, he may even be closer
to you than when you feel you're in Heaven! (As
the Navi says, "Merachok
Nireh Li Hashem").
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The day that I stop running away
from lust because it is very, very
dangerous for me and go back to trying
to avoid it primarily because it is ossur,
is the day I'd probably chas veshalom pick it
right up again. And that would likely be the end
of my reality as my family and I know it.
I am sure my Eternal Best Friend wants me to
stay alive and sane. He really, really likes me,
you know. |
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"How I Cried on Yom Kippur"
By "Me3"
During Slichos, I struggled a bit
with reconciling a positive frame of mind with
emotion about how bad I've been. Everybody here
(on the forum) was helpful in me getting past
that. Thank you.
Rosh Hashana was good, I focused on being Mamlich Hashem
as one should.
But I wasn't sure where I was going regarding
Yom Kippur. I had plenty to ask forgiveness on,
however I was also going in to Yom Kippur with a
45 day streak behind me B'H. I always try to
bring myself to tears as one should, but I was
really feeling that I had already put into place
the things that I planned on working on this
year.
So I began davening, went through Kol Nidrei,
started Maariv and I reached the words in
Shemona Esrai of
"Somaych Noflim
-
He supports those who fall".
And I thought of falls.
And I thought of GYE.
And I thought of the feelings that come with a
fall.
The darkness
The despair
The depression
The blackness
The guilt
The numbness.
And then I thought of Hashem, Who is Somaych Noflim.
He lifts us up after a fall,
puts us back on the right path,
and gives us the strength to continue.
And I started crying. |
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"You are a big part of Hashem's Majesty!"
By "Uri"
How do we proclaim Hashem's majesty?
Do we walk down Mea Shearim and announce on a
Speakerphone:
"Yehudim Yekarim!! Listen up! Hashem is the
King!"
That's one way. Maybe.
But there is another way.
A more global way.
Allow me to share the following famous
parable...
A king sent his servant to a different country
as an emissary to visit a different king.
Before he left, the king gave him one warning.
"Do not make any bets, no matter what!"
The servant of course obeyed, albeit a little
confused.
So he went to visit the king, and on his way
back, he stopped at an inn.
There were these guys drinking there and joking
around.
One of them said to the servant:
"Wow. You have a huge hump on your back!"
The servant was shocked and offended.
"No I do not!"
"Yes, you do"
After arguing the point back and forth a bit,
the drunk guy said:
"Ok. I'll bet you 200 rubles that you have a
hump on your back!"
The servant thought for a moment.
On one hand, he was not supposed to be making
any bets.
On the other hand, this was an easy 200 rubles
in his pocket, or even for the king's treasury.
So he took off his shirt, proved that he had no
hump, and collected his prize.
When he got back to his king's palace, the king
asked him immediately:
"So, did you make any bets?"
The servant answered:
"Well actually, yes. I wasn't going to, but
then this guy basically made this ridiculous bet
that won me an easy 200 rubles. Here you go,
Your Highness."
The king let out a cry.
"Fool! I made a 5000 ruble bet with the other
king that no matter what, you would not make any
bets and would remain loyal to my command!!"
My friends, every time we say 'No' to the "easy
money" of our desires, a shock is heard 'round
the world.
The Malachim sing Hashem's praises.
The trees, the birds, everything.
It's a tremendous revelation of Hashem's majesty
and kingship.
We are showing that we remain loyal to the King,
no matter what.
And that's what a Kiddush Hashem is about.
The greatest Kiddush Hashem.
(A quote from the song Uri wrote
over here)
Suddenly he feels a need to act out,
he turns to shamayim and starts to shout out.
HASHEM! You know what I really want to do,
But I wont do it, because I love you.
A commotion takes place up above.
It is now very clear that the angels are in
love.
In whose zchus was this one born,
this mortal man who takes the heavens by storm??
Hashem sits on his throne, proud as can be,
as he watches the angels jump up and sing.
He says to himself with a smile on his face,
"if only my boy knew what he does to this
place!"
My dearest friends,
How often do we say 'No'?
Ok, sometimes we say 'Yes'.
But all of us here have said 'No'.
Do you know what that no does?!
It is the greatest Kiddush Hashem possible.
We are offered this amazing pleasure and we say,
"No thank you; Hashem said No."
We have no idea what it does up in Shamayim.
So when you say Aleinu, which is the tefilla
that proclaim's Hashem's majesty,
Think for a moment.
I am a big part of that.
I cause Hashem's majesty to be proclaimed across
the world every day.
Wow. |
|
|
596. |
Friday ~ Erev Sukkos ~ 14 Tishrei, 5770 ~
October 2, 2009 |
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
THANK YOU FOR THE SUCCESS
of the GYE Annual Aseres Yimei Teshuvah
Appeal
We set ourselves a goal of reaching 10k to tide
us through until next year's appeal. This amount
would help us pay for the extensive web
development that we have mapped out for this
year, as well as advertising our network
throughout the Jewish world, and other
miscellaneous costs.
Here's the breakdown of what was donated:
$5788 was received already, through our normal donation channels
(such as PayPal)
$1910 is scheduled to come in through monthly installments (such as
$18 X 12)
$1198 was pledged, but not received yet (such as checks sent by
mail)
---------------------------
$8896 Total
After Yom Kippur, we were in for a pleasant
surprise. A businessman in England who
appreciates our work (and has made sizable
donations in the past), made his biggest
donation yet - through a charitable organization
that we work with. He sent us £3,000 GBP
(approximately $5000!) and this is what he
wrote:
Please mention in the e-mail and
on your site that you received a very nice
donation of nearly $5,000 (I saw the list of
donations in yesterday's e-mail). This will
encourage others to make bigger donations,
perhaps even monthly support - as you surely
need, especially those businessmen who can
afford to. Keep up the good work!
So the total for this year's annual appeal comes
out to nearly
$14,000
We would like to thank everyone that
participated in the appeal. May the merit of all
the Yidden who do Teshuvah through our network
stand by you, and may we all see success in our
personal struggles. May we merit to uplift our
desires and learn how to use them as a
spring-board for growth and to get closer to
Hashem.
We hope and pray that everyone be inscribed in
the book of life, health, wealth, Nachas
and a true connection with our Father in Heaven.
May we all rejoice this Sukkos together with
Hashem, and may we merit to sit in the Sukka of
the Leviyatan speedily in our days! |
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Mazal Tov to "X-Addict" (a Bochur)
upon reaching 90 Days today, on Erev Sukkos!
"X-addict" posted on our forum about 4
months ago:
Hello, regards from Stamford Hill. I'm 20
years old and have a computer with internet
access in my room. I used to be a crazy addict,
seriously now, I was, like, the king of p**n,
but things in my life have recently come
crashing down, and it's made me turn to God as
opposed to pressing the self destruct button.
I have tried everything in the past to stop
watching p**n, I mean everything (except
throwing my PC out the window). I have put up
blockers, I have got friends to type passwords
in and not tell me, etc. Bottom line, jack crap,
if you wanna watch it then there is nothing that
could stop you. I feel it's more important to
SOLVE THE BLOODY ISSUE then just block it away.
As I said above, I'm very spiritually connected
at the moment, and I want Hashem to help me so
badly.
I have a double problem, P**N and along with it
MAST... I thought about it and decided I'M
STOPPING one or the other! Then I realized that
if I watch the p**n and not..... NAH, IMPOSSIBLE
(FOR ME), so I chose to stop watching p**n. Now
how do I deal with my shizzle, well, I'm bored
in my room, I started dreaming........ I'm
turned on! Naturally, I'm gonna wanna watcha
p**n. But instead of going straight onto xxx, I
light a cigarette and sit there learning
messilas yeshorim (Gates of Repentance), and
I lose the will to *******
Best of luck to everyone, and just remember!!!!
Every time we hold ourselves back for even a few
minutes, we are on the same level as Yosef
Hatzadik when he ran away from Potifar's
wife!!!! And then you can ask God for anything
you want!!!
Today he sent me an e-mail:
Well, well, this is it. I've reached my
short-term goal, 90 days. I remember the times I
used to dream of reaching 49 days! But for me,
reaching 90 is not the end of my goal. In the
words of my hero Winston Churchill, "this is
not the end, this is not even the beginning of
the end, but it is perhaps the end of the
beginning".
I am clear proof that zera lavatola and p**n can
be eradicated from one's heart and soul! I was
an addict, I was falling 2-3 times a day, and
even after the 1st time I'd feel so guilty and
promise Hashem that I would change, but only a
few hours later I was back at it. With the help
of GYE I realized something interesting, getting
to 90 days is EASY! But getting to 30 days is
hell and high water!!! Doesn't that show you all
something?
The biggest factor for me and what helped the
most, was the LEVELS TECHNIQUE of the 90-day
chart, and the little comments on the side, for
example, "Eved Hashem", "Yirei Shomayim", etc...
because it made me push that little bit extra.
The chart was a massive influence, every day I
marked a cross on my
personal chart as well. The rule is, never
stop counting the days. If not for the levels,
there'd be no way I'd have done it.
I b'h feel a different person, 90 days has
changed me as a person, in every part of life, I
walk around with confidence, fulfillment, and
nothing in life is to scary for me now! I'm 21,
I'm just a normal guy, it can be done!!!
Everyone has it in them! Show yourself the power
within you! Prove your masculinity! Show you're
a man! Be tough!!! God will give you the
strength, but u gotta want it. I know that it's
enjoyable going on these sites, trust me, and
let's face it, it is, but it's an empty
enjoyment and the implications are so not worth
it!!!
Love you all, my holy brothers!!!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Here
is our 90-Day Chart. To all those who haven't
done so yet, sign up to the 90 Day Chart
over here. |
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Did You Keep Your New Year's Resolution?
By Rabbi Moss
(Click
here to sign up for his weekly e-mails)
Question of the Week:
Why do we celebrate the festival of Sukkos
immediately after Yom Kippur? Wouldn't it be
better to space out these festivals? Or is there
some connection between fasting on Yom Kippur
and eating in an outdoor hut for a week?
Answer:
The first thing we do in the new year is make
resolutions. The second thing we do is break
them. At a moment of inspiration we promise to
curb our temper, become more generous, speak to
G-d more or quit a bad habit. But soon after we
go back to our old ways as if nothing happened.
Often a sincere resolution is forgotten as
quickly as it was made.
The reason: compartmentalization. Our
personalities are divided. We have a holy soul,
and we have a physical body. My soul has good
intentions and wants to change and improve and
grow, but my body is lazy and complacent and
can't be bothered.
On Yom Kippur I put my body aside and feel my
soul, and so I want to soar to new spiritual
heights. After Yom Kippur my body reasserts
itself, and the yearnings of the soul are
forgotten. My soul suggests a resolution; my
body vetoes it.
The solution: enter a Sukkah. We sit in the Sukkah
with our entire being - our body and our soul,
our lowly side as well as our lofty side. It is
one of the only mitzvos that we do with our
whole person. And what do we do in the Sukkah?
We eat and drink.
Unlike Yom Kippur, when it is a mitzvah to fast
and ignore the body, on Sukkos the mitzvah is to
indulge the body with food and drink in the
Sukkah. On Yom Kippur we neglect our body to
allow the soul's true nature to shine forth; on
Sukkos we invite our body to join in and be
inspired too. On Yom Kippur we see the body as
being an impediment to the soul; on Sukkos, by
bringing our entire being into the holy space of
the Sukkah, and doing a mitzvah with our body,
the body becomes a partner to the soul. Then the
good resolutions of the soul can be implemented
by the body.
The Sukkah experience is one of wholesomeness.
By making the body a partner in our soul's
enterprise, our resolve from Yom Kippur can
be translated into reality. Don't miss out on
this festival, the one that brings the High
Holydays down to earth.
Good Shabbos and Good Yomtov,
Rabbi Moss |
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Resting the Clock to Ne'ilah
By "Kedusha"
For those who have had setbacks after Yom
Kippur, here is some major encouragement:
Chazal call the first day of Sukkos,
"Rishon l'Cheshbon Ha'avonos -
the first day for an accounting of sins". This cannot simply mean that we're too
busy to sin before then, because that's not
necessarily true and, furthermore, that's not
what the words imply. It also cannot mean that
we get a free pass between Yom Kippur and Sukkos.
What, then, do Chazal mean?
I heard in the name of the Shelah HaKadosh, that
in the four days between Yom Kippur and Sukkos,
sins that were committed are forgiven to the
same extent as if they had been done
before Yom Kippur (where the person does
Teshuva). Even though Yom Kippur has already
passed, we get a kind-of "extension" of
atonement until Sukkos starts. What an
amazing Chizuk that is!
So, for those who have slipped, fallen, or had
other setbacks, do not despair! Stop
immediately, do Teshuva TODAY and set up
solid safeguards to avoid a repeat performance.
And if you do that, you are resetting the clock
to the moments after Ne'ilah! |
|
|
597. |
Monday ~ Chol Hamo'ed Sukkos ~ 17 Tishrei,
5770 ~ October 5, 2009 |
|
In Today's Issue
-
Quote of the Day:
What is Real?
-
12-Step Attitude:
Daily Dose of Dov
-
Torah Thought of the Day:
Why is Sukkos right after Yom
Kippur?
-
Testimonial of the Day:
Sukkos This Year is Different
-------------------------------------------------------------- |
Quote of the Day
What is Real?
From a Post by RATM (Rage at the
Machine)
The
GYE forum is virtual land... the land of the
fake. All you guys here are not people, you are
algorithms... it's all 1s and 0s, right? The
real world is people in $1500 suits and the New
York Post at every doorstep, right? The real
world is reported upon by CNN and Foxnews,
right?
WRONG!!!
The fake world is L. Ron Hubbard and all his
clones... the fake world is all those
smiley-glad hands with their hidden agendas...
the fake world tells you that "m" is "part of a
healthy lifestyle"... they tell you its good
for you! And "p"? "p" is not an addiction that
is tearing apart the world! "p" is part of a
"multibillion dollar entertainment industry"! It
is streamed into your home and into your life...
No, my friends, this world is UPSIDE DOWN!! The
war that is brewing here on GYE, that is
the REAL world... fighting to bring G-d's will
back to Earth, that is the real world,
and our friends here, that is the real
world... We are happy when "struggle" survives
another day, overjoyed when "Letakain" gets
engaged and saddened when "Uri" is sad.. We
reach out our hands and pull 'em back up... What
we've been taught: to look at the Jew and place
a label based on type of yarmulke and length of
his hair... that's not so real... The
real desire to fulfill G-d's commandments that
goes on over here... that's VERY REAL...
"Holy yid" responds to RATM's
post:
Thank You. This is a very timely
thought. Sukkos is a time when Hashem tells us
to leave our permanent dwelling and go into a
temporary dwelling. One explanation of the
message we should take from this, is that we
leave the values of the materialistic world
behind and we live in the knowledge that what
the world values, has no value. Rather
the real value in the world, is to sit in
the shadow of Hashem.
Gut Yom Tov to all! |
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
12-Step Attitude
Daily Dose of Dov
Before Yom-Kippur, some people were
discussing on the forum how they think their
Yom-Kippur will be, based on where they are
"holding" in their struggle, and whether they
feel inspired or not. Dov posted the following
important Yesod, which we can apply to Sukkos as
well - and to the whole year round!
Maybe it is finally time to just say, "to
heck with whether I am inspired, good, or bad,
or whatever. I am doing Yom Kippur in my
imperfect way as a gift to the Ribono shel
Olam, not to "have a spiritual experience" nor
to "get" anything at all in return, or as a
result. It is a mitzvah. My kiyum of it
is pretty much the only thing I can "give to" or
"do for" Hashem. Enough about me." |
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Torah Thought of the Day
Why is Sukkos Right After Yom Kippur?
By "ClearEyes"
It seems that for me and a lot of people on
the forum, the days after yom Kippur were
especially hard. But why? Shouldn't they be easy
for us? At least for a few days till Y"K wears
off! Why were we falling or having such urges to
fall, just moments after the Shofar blasts? It
mamesh makes no sense. But its the truth!
Let's answer this question with another
question. Why does Sukkos fall out when it does?
Sukkos has ties with yetzsias mitzrayim
and wandering in the desert. It has nothing to
do with Tishrei. So why does it fall out on the
15th of Tishrei?
The most famous answer is, that on sukkos we are
commanded to eat outside in a sukkah. The sukka
symbolizes either the huts we lived in the
desert or the clouds which protected us during
our wanderings. Yetzsias mitzrayim took
place during the Spring, when people leave there
houses to enjoy the weather. People are already
outside in their huts. If we were commanded to
eat in a sukkah then, the meaning would be
misconstrued. Therefore sukkos falls out during
Fall, when people are returning to their houses.
Ok, that's a nice answer, but it doesn't answer
the question 100%. Why does Sukkos fall out so
close after Yom Kippur?
Since we are doing so well with the questions,
let's ask yet another question.
How can we not have something after Yom Kippur?
We just spent the past 40 days returning and
coming closer to Hashem. We just experienced 30
days of Elul, 2 days of Rosh Hoshana, a week of
yimei teshuva and then Yom Kippur. From
the whole year, Hashem is closest to us on these
days. And the ability to feel Him increases as
we approach Yom Kippur. And even in the holiest
day itself, Neilah is the pinnacle of it
all. Who doesn't cry out then to our Father in
heaven and convince themselves in the bottom of
their hearts that will never fall again. And
then what? We blow the shofar and go home! We go
back to regular life! How is this possible? How
can Hashem create such a void in us, to bring us
in so close, and then send us away!??
The answer is, He doesn't. He gives us a
holiday. He gives us arbah minim. He
gives us a sukkah. These are what we need to
maintain our connection with Him. We take the
arbah minim, which represent our heart, eyes
and mouth. The heart and eyes are crucial to
maintaining that connection with Hashem. "V'lo
suro acharei l'vavchem v'acharei enechem".
What we let into our bodies through these
channels affects us tremendously; GUARD them.
And we all know how important it is to GUARD
what comes out of our mouth. We can't even begin
to imagine the destructive forces of lashon
hara and talking at forbidden times in shul.
Sukka; leave your house, the comfort of this
world and go out into a sukka. Realize that we
are only guests in this world and don't get
attached to worldly pleasure. Spend 7 days
with Hashem, learning this valuable lesson.
To answer our original question, Hashem knew
these days would be hard, which is why He
gave us Sukkos to fill the void left after Yom
Kippur. (Please see
Kedusha's post as well. This is
also why until Sukkos actually begins we may not
be responsible for the sins we did in the days
right after Yom Kippur, if we enter Sukkos the
proper way).
Let us all appreciate this special Yom Tov, a
true gift from Hashem. It is for us to continue
to get closer to Him after our 40 days of
Teshuva. Learning to live with Him in the
real world, by protecting ourselves from
outside influences, and by realizing we are only
here temporarily. Only after we have learned
this, will we be ready to move on from Yom
Kippur and live through the year.
A Guten Shabbos and Yom Tov. |
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Testimonial of the Day
Sukkos this Year is Different
By "On the Road"
For the first time in many years, I just
took some time to learn this afternoon in the
Sukkah and just enjoy this mitzvah. I was able
to identify with my feelings for the first time
in many years.
Es chatai ani mazkir hayom... I remember
last year Sukkos. It followed a marathon of
acting out throughout Elul, the Aseres Yemei
Teshuva, and the days in between Yom Kippur
and Sukkos. I actually recall taking my phone
into the Sukkah with me and watching videos of
....
This year Sukkos comes after the best
Elul of my life, the best Aseres yemei
teshuva, a brief fall which I immediately
pulled myself (with everyone's help on the
forum) back on track, and great days since. WOW
WOW WOW. I owe my life to GYE and all my friends
here. This year, I will - with His help -
continue to act correctly and not act out on my
addiction, and truly dance with joy on Simchas
Torah, feeling proud of the direction my life is
moving in, as opposed to the usual despondent
feelings of hopelessness and guilt. |
|
|
598. |
Tuesday ~ Chol Hamo'ed Sukkos ~ 18 Tishrei,
5770 ~ October 6, 2009 |
|
In Today's Issue
-
Testimonial of the Day:
Mazal Tov to Mezibuz on 90
Days!
-
12-Step Attitude:
Daily Dose of Dov -
DON'T MISS IT!
-
Torah Thought of the Day:
Our Past Sins Become the
Schach!
-
Personal Victory of the Day:
"I ran into the Sukka!"
-------------------------------------------------------------- |
Testimonial of the
Day
Mazal Tov
To
Mezibuz upon Reaching 90 Days!
Mezibuz wrote:
I arrived at day 90 on the second day of Sukkos
and I would like to now share some sentiments
about what this organization has meant to me
upon reaching my initial goal. I also want to
get my sights clear on the next goal and join a
group to help support this ambition.
I started this pursuit upon learning that I
would have an opportunity to visit the kever of
the Baal Shem Tov in Mezibuz this past August,
so my user name is a tribute to the Bescht's
inspiration.
I am one of the quiet members here. I have read
the daily GYE emails, looked at postings on the
forum when I needed extra chizuk, and did my
best to keep my nose to the grindstone. Although
I reached 90 days, I am no tzaddik to be sure.
My mind has often times wandered to impure
thoughts, and I've caught the occasional glimpse
of a non-tznius woman while out in the
marketplace, but I have stayed the course in
remaining free of p**n, which is a huge step
forward for me (I previously gave up m****n
about 10 years ago).
I have been fighting this beast for 35 years and
it has truly been the bane of my spiritual
existence. I have tried every method I could
think of to stop and have had some successes
along the way, but it was always a solitary
pursuit and in the end, whether it lasted 1
week, 1 months or a year, I always managed to
return to my old ways.
What you have all shared with me here on the
forum these past 90 days has in no small way
changed my world. To recognize that this is an
addiction and to feel the support of so many of
you who share this struggle, has given me
tremendous chizuk.
I would also like to thank Reb Guard, of course,
for the amazing work you have done in creating
this site. I read a book many years ago that
deeply resonated with me -- "The Spirituality of
Imperfection" by Kurtz. The author speaks of AA
as the greatest social movement of the 20th
century, and his book is chock full of great
insights about sobriety and the profundity of
the connections made between people based on
their shared weaknesses. Funny thing was, as
much as I read and re-read this book over the
past 13 years, I never once thought to put
myself in the category of the drunk. Upon
reaching your site this past June, it became
evident to me in a matter of minutes that,
of-course, I have an addiction! And this
revelation, more than anything else I have
learned over the past few decades, started
opening the door to true recovery.
I cannot tell you how grateful I am for the work
you are doing. I have donated as generously as I
could during your recent appeal and look forward
to supporting you further in the future. I just
wish that every high school kid with a problem
could know that you are out there before they
suffer years or decades alone in their battle.
I wish you much continued blessing in all your
efforts. |
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
12-Step Attitude
Daily Dose of Dov
Another AMAZING Post from Dov!
The program (12-Step) way of looking at the
whole business, is actually different than what
we are used to. It is even different from what
normal people without these problems are
used to.
The program is not about answering questions of
how to beat the desire. It is not an
answer to the problem at all. It does not
make one "stronger" at all. It is about
changing myself and the way I think, so that I
do not have the problem in the first place.
This is done by the steps, and by being part of
a group of other people with the same problem,
who are getting better the same way. It would
not work at all if it was done under the
instruction of a teacher, Rav, or shrink,
because it is about being together with folks
who know you because they are the same
as you are, in this respect.
Looking at it as "a struggle", I find useless
and poisonous for me. To struggle, for me,
implies that I can beat it if I only try hard
enough, and that is how I got so messed up in
the first place.
I got messed up my way. Now it is time
to do things a different way. Because
I finally became ready for things to be
different.
And yes, the solution is not "long term", but
neither is your kabolas ol malchus shomayim
(accepting the Yoke of Heaven in Kriyas Shema)
each day. You can only be mekabel it for
today, right? Can you eat for tomorrow?
Can you go to the bathroom extra today, so that
you will not need to go tomorrow? No. In the
same way, a person can "commit" himself to
keeping the Torah/"mekabel the ol"
forever, but his commitment is actually
nonsense. You cannot guarantee that you will
keep it tomorrow. It says
"asher anochi metzavecha hayom -
which I have commanded you TODAY" in the Kriyas sh'ma, no? It's really, really new, each
day.
This is how the program's solution works, for
me. This is all it means when we say, "One day
at a time".
When we get honest about our limitations - like
when we say, "we are sober only for today", it's
not because it is too hard to do a
week or a year. It is not about willpower at
all! It's because it is simply the truth: we are
only sober one day at a time, and that is our
only business. Not tomorrow. Focusing on
tomorrow's sobriety is just more silliness.
We get honest with ourselves and with others
like us, to make it all more real to us.
And that is the first step.
If you want to know a lot about the 12 steps, I
suggest reading the books called "the
SA white book", and the book called "Alcoholics
Anonymous".
But what worked for me was not reading or
studying. It was attending SA meetings,
spending time with other people who have my type
of problem and who were getting better, and
actually following the directions of the steps
to the letter.
Thank-you for your patience with me. It takes me
a long time to say things, sorry.
Love,
Dov
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
To join an anonymous & frum 12-Step SA group by
phone-conference, see
this Page. A new cycle of Duvid
Chaim's group is beginning IY"H on Monday, Rosh
Chodesh Cheshvan.
For a quicker run through the 12-Steps (in just
4 weeks), see
this page for Boruch's groups. |
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Torah Thought of the Day
Our Past Sins Become Our Schach!
Chaza"l say that the Schach should
be from "Pesoles Goren Ve'Yakev". Why do
Chazal use the Lashon of "Pesoles",
couldn't they have found a nicer way to describe
the material we use for this holy Mitzva?
Says the Alter Sadigerer Rebbe
(son in law of the Beis Ahron of Karlin), that
Rosh Hashana and Yom Kippur are times of
Teshuva Me'Yira -
Repentance from Fear, and Chazal say that when we repent from
fear our sins becomes like "mistakes"
(zedonos na'asin ki'shgagos). However, Sukkos is a time of
Teshuvah Me'Ahava -
Repentance through love and rejoicing. This is a much higher
level of Teshuva, and Chazal say that the
sins become like merits!
This, says the Sadigerer, is the secret
of the Schach. We davka take the
"Pesoles"; the spoiled - the sins of our
past; and through
Teshuvah Me'Ahava
on Sukkos, we uplift them into merits. Hashem's
divine presence hovers over us in the Sukka
davka in the form of our past sins, which we
have merited to uplift through our repentance
with love! |
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Personal Victory of the Day
"I Ran Into the Sukkah"
By "Moshebenavraham"
Last night was very, very tough. My wife
had to go out shopping, which would have been a
great time for me to act out previously. I won't
say I wasn't tempted, but I looked at my
personal printout of my 90 day chart and
that helped a bit. Still the Y"H kept tempting
me, so I literally ran into the Sukkah (even
though it was raining) and sat there studying
Mishna Sukkah until my wife came home. I can't
say I completely lost all desire to act out, but
it certainly worked for me this time. I think
that yesterday's chizuk e-mail was on the spot
when it talked about how useful the physicality
of the Sukkah and arbah minim is
so vital after the spiritual high of Yom Kippur.
I'm now getting a little worried about the lack
of chagim coming up, as I find it really
useful to have them to focus on. Maybe I'll
start my Pesach preparations really, really
early! |
|
|
599. |
Wednesday ~ Chol Hamo'ed Sukkos ~ 19 Tishrei,
5770 ~ October 7, 2009 |
|
In Today's Issue
-
Quote of the Day:
To be an Addict
-
Attitude Tip of the Day:
Echad Hamarbeh, Ve'echad
Hama'amit
-
Personal Victory of the Day:
So Liberating!
-
12-Step Attitude: Daily Dose of Dov
-------------------------------------------------------------- |
Quote of the Day
To be an Addict
By "Letakein"
I was going to say that I hate
being an addict.
But then I thought of something "habib" recently
told me.
You know those people who walk down the street;
the people who daven 3 times a day,
wear the clothes,
walk the walk,
talk the talk,
but you just know they don't feel it?
You know who I mean.
He sits at the next desk at work,
she sits across from you at the table
just doing what everyone else is...
WE ARE NOT LIKE THAT.
WE ARE WORKING.
WE ARE TRYING.
WE KNOW WHY WE WANT TO BE GOOD!
WE HAVE A KESHER WITH HASHEM.
EACH ONE OF OUR DAYS IS FILLED WITH FEELING.
WE HAVE MEANING IN OUR LIVES.
So in a strange way,
that only Hashem could understand,
being an addict is not so bad.
In fact,
it's really wonderful.
- Letakein |
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Attitude Tip of the Day
Echad Ha'marbeh Ve'echad Ha'mamit
By Uri
I just printed out and started reading the
Attitude Handbook. Amazing!
I'm very impressed; a shame I didn't get around
to reading it earlier.
I just saw something that is written that
inspired me:
Hashem does not desire results.
Hashem desires the heart; the
ratzon - "will".
Hashem does not expect all of us to never fall
again.
Hashem does not expect all of us to never be
depressed again.
There is something called the "Nekudas
Habechira".
Everyone has a certain point at which their
decision of bechira takes place.
For one person, it might be to not mast***.
For another, it might be not to have illicit
relations.
One person might struggle not to murder.
Another will struggle not to be mean to
people.
You ask:
"But Uri, what about the Torah and Halacha?!"
The answer is simple but profound:
Hashem does not expect from us that which we
cannot do.
We must know where we are holding.
Remember that always, my friends.
Hashem did not need me to daven mincha today
with a minyan.
I was not in that place, and it would've been
nearly impossible.
So I went to my room and davened biyichidus.
And that was perhaps as good as other people
going to minyan.
For one person, learning one hour might be equal
12 hours for someone else!
Another example:
"Vesamachta Bechagecha"
Let's say you have a guy who is manically
depressed.
Like mamesh always down in the dumps.
And you're gonna tell this guy to just be
happy???
Perhaps his mitzva is just to look up to
Shamayim and say:
"Hashem! I so want to be happy!"
Maybe for him, he just fulfilled "Vesamachta
Bechagecha".
Let us give Hashem our hearts, friends.
1 hour; 5 hours; 24 hours
"Echad hamarbeh veechad hamamit, ubilvad
sheychavain libo lashamayim"
"Whether a lot or a little, as long as the heart
is turned to Heaven".
Nat responds to Uri's Post:
The Tzemach Tzedek asks concerning the
Cantonists (forced conscripts to the Russian
army from age 10 to 35), "how could Hashem
force these boys to be in a position that they
can't fulfill many of the mitzvas?"
The answer he gives, is that Hashem has a
immense pleasure from the few mitzvos that they
were able to do with mesiras nefesh!
On a similar note, there's a story of a
well-known sinner who liked coming to a certain
Tishes, hisvaadus, farbrengens, etc...
Once, the Chassidim there made him feel unwanted
sitting together with him at there table, and he
left. When the Rebbe heard this he was extremely
upset and he said, "we cannot imagine the
intense pleasure that the Ribono Shel Olam has
for each second that this Jew is sitting with
Chassidim and not sinning!" |
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Personal Victory of the Day
So Liberating!
By "On the Road"
I am so happy. I can't believe that I had a
free, unstructured day at my office, and I
didn't get stuck pounding away at Google for
things that conflict with my sobriety. It was
totally liberating. I had some thoughts telling
me, "just search for this or that", you
know, that habit of searching aimlessly which
always precedes a more blatant search for
shmutz. And I said "no". No! I said
"no" to something which has dogged me for years,
made me feel like a loser, a wimp with no self
control, dirty, low, etc.. I said, "I am
not going to waste my time on this now"...
Instead, I worked a little and read
the forum. And I am feeling stronger now,
heading toward the end of the day.
I am honestly jealous of Reb Guard's Olam Habah
for doing this. I grew. I truly grew. I am
utterly in awe. For the first time, I believe I
can overcome this habit and finally stop these
aimless searches (read: searching for trouble). |
|
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
12-Step Attitude
Daily Dose of Dov
"Noorah" posted on the forum:
I find that the more holy the day or
season, any time we are enjoined to be happy,
the Yetzer Hara will go to great lengths to pull
me down. The seforim all say that when we say
that a Tom Tov is a "zman" for something, it
means that this time is segulah from
Heaven to acquire that specific item.
Sukkos is called "a time for our rejoicing" -
meaning, that this is when they hand out out
joy/simcha. The question that I ask myself is,
why do I feel that I'm missing the ability to
acquire this tremendous Heavenly gift?
Why am I mired in the petty worries of the
solvency of my bank account? Why can't I
internalize all the lofty concepts of the Sukkka?
Why am I stuck with all the petty resentments of
my day to day life? What happened to all the
lofty ideas that I read and learn about in the
holy seforim?
I can read all these noble lofty thoughts of
bitachon, I can even teach them
convincingly to others, yet when it comes time
to "putting the rubber to the road", why am I
left face to face with little ol' me?
WHY? WHY? WHY?
I know that Dov who works the 12-Steps,
said recently that "Life gets good in a hurry
when we are living for the right reasons, even
if we are not doing it perfectly". But how
in the world is the 12 steps going to meet my
payroll?? ...The Big Book don't talk about the
aforementioned banks, suppliers and customers!
Dov replies:
I'm would like to share with you, Noorah,
that there is not much written in the AA "Big
Book" about not drinking, not much in the
12-Steps about not lusting, and b"H there
is not much space in my head given to how not
be'simcha I am feeling this Sukkos so far.
It's ALL about the resentments, ALL about the
horrible customers, ALL about the fears,
worries, and nuttiness of life. That is
what the steps are ONLY about. Finding
sanity in a beis medrash (or a test tube)
is not going to do me much good in real
life if I'm out of the beis medrash.
Living the "good life" isn't about having
it "good", it is about really having it -
whatever it really is, then
owning it, and learning how to let Hashem
work with us to live it right. Then, it gets
"good" in a hurry.
And, by the way, "being left with little ol'
me" is actually huge. You are not
running into fantasy (which is something I have
done hundreds, maybe thousands, of times). It
may not be pretty, but it is the only game in
town. Now play it.
- Dov
P.S. All the brocha of the years and years that
Hashem loved us in the desert with those clouds,
the mon and the sukkas; that huge older
generation was dying-out slowly under the heavy
gezeira of the cheit haeygel and
meraglim. That was the setting for the
training-period of the next generation. It was
not pleasant, and not idyllic, to be sure. But
the love of Hashem was still there. They were
surrounded by the clouds of glory and getting
the mon each morning! So they just
focused on the positive, did their jobs, and
grew.
P.P.S. My apologies if what I wrote did not
sound loving, but it is the best I have for you,
chaver, and I do love you.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
To join an anonymous & frum 12-Step SA
phone-conference group, see
this Page. A new cycle of Duvid
Chaim's group is beginning IY"H on Monday, Oct
19th, Rosh Chodesh Cheshvan. |
|
|
600. |
Thursday ~ 20 Tishrei, 5770 ~ October 8,
2009
Chol Hamo'ed Sukkos ~ Ushpizin of
Yosef HaTzadik
|
|
In Today's Issue
-
Quote of the Day:
By "Holy Yid"
-
Practical Tip of the Day:
Eat Right, Sleep Right
-
Personal Victories:
I'll act out
Tomorrow
-
12-Step Attitude: Dov & Nat Discuss the Program
-------------------------------------------------------------- |
Quote of the Day
By "Holy Yid"
I am clean, with the help of G-d, for over fifty
days. I feel a sense of some control and I don't
dread the internet like I used to. Starting a
few weeks ago, I had a HUGE boost in self esteem
and self confidence. I do not know with
certainty that my improved spirit is a result of
feeling some sense of control, but I think that
the two are very likely related.
One of The keys to staying strong, is to always
live with a sense of awe and reverence for the
struggle. Not fear, but remembering that we
are powerless, and that the power comes daily,
hourly and by the minute, from our Higher Source.
This should make you calm and get you focused on
your fences.
The other option is to go at it on your
own and see how far you get. (Tell me if
you get anywhere). |
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Practical Tip of the Day
Eat Right, Sleep Right
By Mark
This may seem a little different, but it's
tried and true. Whatever it is that you are
struggling with - in our case it is lust, we all
know that we are most vulnerable when we are
feeling down.
When we are well rested, we feel good. And when
we eat right, we feel healthy.
Therefore, my suggestion is get 8 hours of sleep
a night and eat right (very minimal table
sugar), and you will be happier. Once you feel
happier and more refreshed, it is much easier to
take on challenges.
I believe that one of the tactics of the Satan
is to tell us, "if you sleep 8 hours and eat
right, you are a nerd, a loser, get a life! The
only real way to get anything done is to go on 5
hours of sleep. And don't waste your time on
eating properly..."
But trust me, a lot of struggles can be avoided
if we feel right.
Dov responds to Mark's Post:
Ditto to all that. While acting out
heavily, I was getting 3-4 hours a night, then
getting sick every Shabbos and cleaning up until
I was ready for work again Sunday or Monday.
That went on for about 7 or 8 years.
After getting sober, I started to see that the
crazy sleep pattern was making it too hard for
me to stay sober, so it finally had to change.
(My goal was always to get 8-9 hours per night
but) what actually ended up working for me was
getting 5-7 hours and waking up early to learn
with a chevra before shacharis (oh yeah,
and actually davening shacharis like a normal
Jew, for a change, too).
After all, how precious can my sobriety be if I
feel crappy all the time? And it needs to
be precious to me, to protect it at any cost. |
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Personal Victories
I'll Act Out Tomorrow
From an e-mail by R.T
I want to tell you that you gave me advice
which is saving my life, literally. I wanted to
stop these crazy behaviors but I didn't even
know how to start, so you said, "say to
yourself that just for today I will be clean -
and the next day I can "act out". At first I
thought that the advice was ludicrous because it
was only fooling myself, and essentially playing
mind games, but I realized the sheer brilliance
of this advice and the psychological genius
behind it. Many addicts cannot imagine their
LIFE without giving into their desires, but if
you only have to imagine ONE DAY without it,
then your mind never has to deal with the
finality of it all. In essence, by taking it one
day at a time, you are saying that you're life
of lust is not over, you are just pushing it
off, and then you don't have to feel that your
world is caving in on you all at once. The
longer you push it off, the more real you
realize your ability to control yourself. No one
wants to say goodbye forever - in one moment,
but letting go piece by piece is more
manageable. When surgeons do a transplant, they
don't rip out one organ and put the other one
right in; it must be done vessel by vessel, vein
by vein and stitch by stitch. That is how I am
treating my addiction.
Posted by Eye.nonymous
I went through a REALLY rough time
yesterday. I only managed not to act out by
promising my Yetzer Hara that if I didn't act
out now, I could act out the next day
THREE times AND run an unfiltered image search
of the net. My Yeitzer was appeased. I was so
conked out that I collapsed at about 7:30pm, and
didn't wake up until 4:00am for the call of
nature. My Yeitzer was already trying to cash
in, but I was so well-rested that I was not so
sensitive. I was able to stop myself before it
was too late, thank G-d, realizing that I really
didn't want to act out.
I'm now on day 32. This is especially momentous
for me, Day 30 - one month, was on Sukkos. I've
broken a psychological barrier of mine, because
I once thought that there's some sort of
physiological cycle, a build up of pressure,
that is practically impossible to withstand
after 30 days. Thanks to the
GYE handbook, I got rid of this
misconception.
As I keep on at staying clean, I'm realizing
just how much schmutz was hiding behind
this addiction.
For one, intimacy between my wife and I is
starting to feel more like a human interaction,
instead of a mental short-circuit while some
animalistic impulses are fulfilled.
Other realizations were, in general, thinking of
things in terms of being addictive - if I can't
control myself, then it's an addiction. I've
majorly cut back on computer use, which has been
a very positive change in my life. The main
benefit is that I'm getting a normal amount of
rest for the first time in probably ten years. I
think getting enough rest is a big key in this
struggle.
Also, I am more available to my wife and
children. Until now, the addictions were
covering up problems, such as my anger with my
children. The addiction was an escape. Now I
have to face the problems and deal with them.
This can be hard at times, and at first it was
depressing, but I am sure that the eventual
outcome will definitely be worth all the
difficulties. |
|
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
12-Step Attitude
Daily Dose of Dov
The 12 steps are an amazing tool for:
1- gaining freedom from our lust problem,
2- finally gaining the relationship waiting for
us with our Best Eternal Friend,
3- gaining the sanity we deserve, and
4- finally living the easy life.
- and all in the same process.
And it is simple, simple, simple, if you
are doing it right.
"Nat" posted on the forum:
For me, a full blown addict, the most
important thing is not the 12 Steps per se, but
rather what they should bring me to. They
promise a sense of fullness and harmony with
Hashem, so that I won't need the lust any
more. This doesn't mean I won't have to work and
aid others to remain sober. If I don't, I'll
probably relapse.
But the point is, I have no
control, Hashem does. I am nut,
Hashem is not. So I must get to Him to help me,
but first I must make myself a vessel.
This is done through the steps, at least for me.
For others, maybe they can find their own ways,
or maybe they aren't addicted yet - I don't
know. But I am, and I am sick, and the
only cure that has even begun to help is
the 12 steps!
Everything else, for me, is icing on the cake.
It can help for the short term maybe, in dealing
with the small battles. But when you're sick,
you go to the doctor who gives you the medicine.
I am physically, emotionally and psychologically
sick, and the medicine which works - if
you work it - is the 12 Steps.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
To join an anonymous, frum, 12-Step,
SA-type phone-conference group, see
this Page. A new cycle of Duvid
Chaim's group is beginning IY"H on Monday, Oct
19th, Rosh Chodesh Cheshvan. |
|
|